#638 Statutory Vape

Hey Mark, fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do. Great. Good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with. Stories! Hit her in the face with a surfboard. And then the duck fell out of his bag! Surf's up! And she didn't even flush. Knock knock. Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe List! Yeah! This is Tuesdays with Stories, everybody. No, that's terrible. This is supposed to be cheesy. My radio is spitting at me. Hey! Naughty Naughty! We're here, we're back. Happy New Year! What are we, in May? March? I have no idea. I'd love to be in May. Yeah, me too. It's not easy. I don't know. What date is it? Do you know? Did Chuck tell you? Chuck is gone. Thank Christ Almighty. He got deported. Hallelujah. By the way, you gotta love Chuck. He tries to break it to us. He's like, hey guys, I'm so sorry. I hate myself. Throw hot coffee in my face. Please forgive me. Would it be okay if Lex filmed? And then we have to be like this. Oh, jeez. Meanwhile, I'm doing cartwheels down Broadway. Nah, I'm just kidding, Chuckie. Never been happier, Chuck. Take all the days off. Are you kidding? I'll pay you to not come. There you go. That's what my wife does. Now, are you paid by Chuck, Lex? Last time, yeah, he paid me. Okay, all right. All right, all right. Okay, that's good. As long as we're not doing it, it all works out. Now, we love you, Chuck. We miss you. We're thinking of you. We wish you were here telling us about all the bitches you're dating and the girls you fucked and tell them Steve, Bob, and all your camera work. You're very talented. The Jokers, we get it. You know everybody. I met this one girl. This other girl wanted to fuck me, but I couldn't fuck her because I was fucking these three other girls. Must be nice. Yeah, it must be nice to look like that. How are you doing, buddy? I haven't seen you since 1987. I saw you on Zoom. That was brutal. I was freezing my tits off. God, I hate Zoom. I hate it. I feel like tubing. I want to jerk off. But let me just throw this out there. I want to get this out about the house. The house. So we got our nice little pod bathroom over here. That bathroom hasn't worked since day one. Well, that's what I'm getting at, Fatty. So I took a big, fat, smelly dump right before the holidays. I saw it. Oh, really? I saw it after the holidays. Well, it didn't flush, and it was awful. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. It was a whopper. I mean, this was a Christmas goose. Well, I pissed on it. Oh, all right. Well, thank you. Yeah. That feels like some kind of religious thing. I think we're like Eskimo twins. Oh, yeah. Or whatever. Yeah, we're bonded now. We're poo brothers. So I take this dump. I'm plunging. I'm plunging. It's doing the rise, you know, like Jesus. It's leaven, like bread. Harvey leaven. These go to a leaven. And I'm like, ah, shit. This is a leaven. This is not happening. Great show. Good show. So I go, well, I got a flight to Cape Cod, so I got to go. So I just said, I'll get it when I come back. So I let this turd up to here, right on the meniscus of the bowl, right on the edge. And that turd was twirling like a coin in a wishing well. And just got back two days ago, still there, and now the whole toilet's black. Wait, so this is a different poo? Because there was a poo. I've been here for days. Last time we recorded. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Lex was here. I pissed on a big, dirty poo. Oh. So you got that one down, and then this one came? I think you peed and broke it up. But that toilet is weaker than Biden. You know, I can't even get anything down there. So if you take one turd the size of a cue ball, you're done. That's a big turd. Oh, I guess you're right. A cue ball. Big, round shit. A cocktail weenie. Uh-huh. There you go. So what happened? Did you get a guy in here? You getting Luigi? Luigi and Mario and. Luigi. He killed my dad. But no, I got the plunger, and once it marinated for three weeks, it smelled. The whole house reeked. The cat died. And the neighbors hate us. But I plunged. I plunged. And I think it broke up enough over three weeks in that water that it went down. But the problem's not solved, Jerry. No, no. The problem's solved. I'm just saying the whole bowl is black because it's been stained. But don't you think it might clog again? Because it's been clogged since the 80s. I'm sure it'll clog again. That thing clogs every week. But I'm just saying, if you see a black bowl, that's what that is. All right. So I got to. When I piss at the end. Because last time I was here, I went to the third floor to piss. And I didn't know. That's nice. You had a cleaner here. Uh-huh. And I was shitting, and I heard boxes moving. And I was shitting with the door open with a hard-on. I was sniffing the cat's asshole. Really? And all of a sudden, I heard papers shifting. Really? Was she going through my notes? Possibly. Someone should. Someone should. So then, yeah, I freaked out. You always got somebody in the house snooping around. Yeah, well, this lady of mine, she'll just hire people. She hires a cleaner, a babysitter, a hooker, whatever. The nanny and I are besties, by the way. She's a good egg, that nanny. Great egg. Great egg. I don't know where she's from, but I don't ask. Well, she can hear us, too, we learned from your mother. I'm still shaking about your mother. Wow, she's an ice queen. That was one of the worst things that's ever happened to me. I think about it literally every single day. I was talking to my mom. I was telling May. She was like, Mark didn't tell me that. I was like, it's the worst thing that's ever happened in my life. I tried to black it out. I literally was like, I don't want to talk to your mother. Fuck your mother. You're going to make me go say hello to your mother. And then we walked upstairs, and she's like, I can hear you. No, she said, I heard every word. I heard every word. Even worse. Ooh, that's the worst thing you want to hear from your mom. Because it's never good. It's never like, man, I love my mom. She's a sweet lady. I heard every word. No, it's like, I put it in her ass. She jizzed in my face. And then I called the police, and the Cub Scout blew me. Should I call her? Should I send her a letter? No, God, no. All right. Don't call. I'll kill myself. Maybe text. I'll shoot her a text. Well, I'm glad the toilet's down. I'm excited to see the Black Bowl. That's a Harlem venue, I think. Black Bowl. Folks. Woo. Go, Trotter. All right. Well, I don't know how to get into this. I got all kinds of stuff to talk about. Please. Let me just throw this out real quick. Yeah, I want the whole vacation. I saw this. It's the gayest movie of all time. And I don't know if it's because I'm a dad, or if I'm divorced, or what's going on. Gayest movie. Stranger Things? No, Stranger by the Lake. Well, it's not that gay, but it's gay. Song Sung Blue. You know about Song Sung Blue? That's gayer than The Lemon Party. That's gayer than Boys. You ever see that? I don't know if I saw Boys. I saw Boys Don't Cry. That's pretty gay. Yeah. But yeah, Boys was about a bunch of dudes at Fire Island really lapping it up. Oh, I saw Boys in the Hood. Domino, motherfucker. What's happening? Not gay. Black Bull. What's up, cuz? Well, I saw Song Sung Blue, which sounds like an offensive Asian accent. Song Sung Blue. Oh, yeah. Song Sung Blue. Song Sung Blue. I like that. Hot dog for you. Forever in blue jeans. So I went and saw it. Sweet Caroline. I saw the. Well, we were going to go see Marty Supreme, which everyone's saying, Oscar buzz, the greatest film of all time. You got to see Marty. My son's name's Marty. That's literally smoking a cigarette. You never see people just smoking cigarettes anymore. I like it. It's a good look. I think it's going to come back. Better than the gay vapes. I hate the vape. Why does everyone have to vape from the side? Statutory vape. Well, anyway, so we're going to go see Marty Supreme, but it's two and a half hours long. My parents are watching the baby, so they're like, I don't want to be gone four hours, the whole thing. And it's. It's heavy. No, it's heavy. So I went, let's go see Song Sung Blue. I love Neil Diamond. I like Hugh Jackman. I love Kate Hudson. She's cute. And so we said, let's go. It was a 9.30 a.m. film. I didn't even know you could do that. You go to a lot of these. Well, I go to morning, but never 9.30. 9.30 is crazy. That's like basically work hours. You're going, you're clocking in at this movie theater. Oh, we clocked in, baby. I'm Dynasty Supreme, but I want to hear about Song Sung Blue. We crocked in. Get there. By the way, there was a snow squall. We went to the Randolph Cinema. Old Cinema. Randolph. We call it Mattapandolph. Mattapan. We call it Murderpan. I think I've talked about this before. Massachusetts is great with town nicknames. I think your son just died. That was a butt plug. We have Mattapan. They call it Murderpan. Sure. And then there's Satin Hill. Savin Hill used to be called Stab and Kill. Oh, I love it. But now the gays took over, so now we call it Satin Hill. Satin Hill. Ah, also good. Then there's Charlestown is Crime Town. Stoughton is Stocheagle. Stocheagle? Like Portugal? Portugal. It's all Portuguese. You got Stocheagle. And then what else do you got there? Oh, you got Slumberville. Slumberville is another big one. That's a classic. And what was the other one I just said? Mattapandolph. You got anything for Southie? Southie's just Southie. I mean, that is a nickname. I guess that's true. Yeah. It's South Boston? Yeah. Okay. Boy, yeah, Beantown is good. There's something with that region. You're good with words. It's all Irish, and it's a lot of puns and wordplay. A lot of puns, a lot of wordplay, a lot of fun stuff. Trying to think of other stuff. Yeah. Well, I went to De La Salle High School, which is a Catholic high school, but it was a big drug. You know, a lot of white kids doing drugs there, and we called it, it was De La Salle, we called it De La Drug. De La Drug. Oh, De La Drug. Oh, that's fun. Then there was Dominican, which was all the whores, and we called them Duman, I can, Dominican. So we had a couple of those, too. So you guys aren't so good at it, but they're okay. Two men, I can. That's pretty good. It's okay. Two men, I can. Dominican. Now, how about the big Boston College-Boston University rivalry? BC, they chant, sucks to be you. Oh. Sucks to be you. That's one of the great sports chants of all time. That's big. I remember the seniors got manure, and they wrote, seniors are the shit. I thought that was pretty good. Where'd they put the manure? All over the football field for the senior prank. Seniors are the shit in manure. Oh, okay. I like that. But they put it on their own football field. Well, they were leaving. They're seniors. I see. I got you. Senior citizens. I was thinking they put it on the rival. You know, the greatest rivalry prank of all time. No rival? Eh, we weren't that good. Okay. No one thought about us. The greatest trick of all time. Maybe I've talked about this before. I don't know. We've been doing this show for a long time. The Harvard, I forget if it was Harvard did it to Yale. I think Harvard did it to Yale. Okay. This is like in the 50s. Maybe you can look this up, Lex. There was a guy from Harvard. You know, these are smart kids. Sure. Fuck up some smart kids. This Harvard kids, they penetrated somehow the Yale, whatever you call it, production team or the color guard. You know, there's the people that do shit. The AV? Audio, video? People who do shit. Something like that. What do you say when you see things? Who are you talking about? The newspaper? The people that do the flip-de-flip. Events. Events. They team. They somehow penetrated the events horseshit. Diabolical. They handed out these cards. You know how sometimes you hold up a square, but if 40,000 people do it, you can make a picture or spell something. Oh, yeah, yeah, sure, sure, yeah. You spell it Go Jets or something. But each person is just holding a white square or a square with a green line through it. You can't tell what you're holding. Oh, this is big. So they penetrated it. They pretended to be Yale. They had the big Y on their tits. And they gave out these cards. So at halftime at the big game, Harvard versus Yale, the entire Yale student union, student section, held up a square, and it spelled out Yale sucks. Oh, my God. How did they orchestrate that? That is unbelievable. Well, they're Harvard. They made the nuclear bomb and good old hunting. They know what they're doing over there. But that's up there. Yale did it to Harvard. Okay. And they wrote Harvard sucks. I thought this was in the 40s. 2004. This is before. The internet and all that. They could really get crazy back then. That's crazy. It's kind of like the Mossad beepers. They had to get beepers into whatever town that was. Where was that? Gaza? I don't know. Jerusalem or Santa Claus. They had to get them to use beepers, sign up, cops, 911, or whatever the fuck, boobs, boobless, and then they had to get familiar with their beeper and then blow it up. Unbelievable. Unbelievable. The Jews and the Harvards. They're good. Well, they're kind of one and the same, are they not? Maybe. I'm not sure there's some Jews there. I think there's some Asians over there. Whatever is going on. That's a prank. That's a prank. I mean, to get in. That guy, it said that that guy didn't get any money for that or any fame, whoever did that. Yeah. And I'm saying guy because that's no ladies thinking about that. No. That's a dude. But that guy should be put on a pedestal, a mountain, a statue, a plaque. A bust. Thank you. I'm busting. How crazy. Thank you. Your nanny just listens to this for two hours and then you got to go up there and be like, so how's he doing? She's a Patreon member. She's a fan. She's on board. Well, so anyways, we went to see Song Sung Blue and I mean, we just thought this will be light and fun and some music I like. I'll tell you that Edward Scissorhands here making me cry. Song Sung Blue. Hugh Jackman was tremendous. Kate Hudson is just the love of my life. Sure. I would shit at my mom. Wife's mouth just to get a peek at her naked. I'm a Goldie Hawn man. I love Goldie too. Hermione. I had Kurt Russell's nothing to sneeze at. Oh, I would sneeze the opposite direction. That's how much I like him. But it was funny too because I was sitting there and I had this spiritual gay thought. I was sitting in the same cinema 25 years earlier and fell in love with Kate Hudson during Almost Famous. Oh, wow. I've been watching Almost Famous by myself, same cinema going, I love this woman. Who's this woman? I'm in love with this woman. And here she is 25 years later. Playing this old coos. You're a golden gay. I'm a golden gay. Golden gay bridge. I thought it was a hell of a picture. I love the tunage. I love the thing. I guess I just talked about this on the Patreon, I realized. But I'll never get it twice. But anyways, that's a fun goddamn film. And everyone's going to write, you're a faggot. You fucking piece of shit. You call yourself a cinephile. You never heard of this thing. By the way, I've never called myself a cinephile in my life. Pedophile. Yeah, the government calls me that. Sure, register. So anyways, highly recommend. All right, it's a feel-good movie. It's a feel-good. There's some programs, some recovery, some spirituality, some laughs. It's silly. It's fun. The tunes are great. Well, you think comedians are fucked up and all drug-addled and bad childhood and all that. These cover cunts, these guys who go out there and they do Van Halen cover band or Neil Diamond, Elvis. Those are the most fucked up, weirdo, crazy. Crazy people. Like, you ever see that movie, what was that movie with Rourke? Was it Rourke? Crazy Heart. No, Crazy Heart. That's not Rourke. Russell? No, it's the other one. That's fucking the dude. Bridges. Jeff Bridges. Jeff Bridges. Won the Academy Award for that film. You know, he's just like this bar room singer guy. Mm-hmm. And he just travels around to bowling alleys and warehouses and back rooms and does these twiddles his thumbs and plays a little tune and a ditty. P. Diddy. P. Diddy. And that's how they make a living. Yeah, they're scraping by. They're scraping by. That's what this, I assume, I haven't seen it, but he's an impersonator, right? Oh, they're scraping, yeah. Big time scrape. Crazy Heart. A couple quick thoughts on Crazy Heart. Uh-oh. One, one of the great character intros in the history of cinema. Yes. Because it opens, he's in an empty bowling alley parking lot. He gets out and he pours out like a Gatorade thing of piss. Yes, yes. So right away, you're like, I got everything about this guy. I love it. And that's what I'm saying. These guys are fucked up. And then they also have one of the great. He cuts in the history of cinema where he finishes playing and there's like a kind of a ugly-ish older lady and she goes, woo. And it cuts directly to her in his bed like this. Yes. It's perfect. So good. Because she gives so little. Yeah. She just goes, woo. She just goes, woo. I got to rewatch this. It's great. Now, there's a big major flaw in that movie. Ah, here we go. He loses the baby and that's his big moment. He loses the kid, the Maggie Gyllenhaal's kid, and he goes. He goes, I was drunk when I lost the kid. But they show him. He comes and has like half a drink. He gets to the bar. He orders one drink. He has two sips of it. Then he loses the kid. And they're like, I was drunk. Maybe he's drinking before. I guess. But he didn't seem drunk before. He was just at the thing. They don't show him. I'm like, why not depict him drunk? Right. Such a weird thing to me. Show him get drunk with the kid. Well, it's a big Cuddy movie. I mean, it's Cuddy Sark. They do the woo to bed. I suppose. They do like half a drink to drunk. That's how the shots are done. But they show him walk away. There's no cut. They just show him walk away. And then he's like, so that's my one problem. But he's amazing. Great film. Won the Academy Award. I love that movie. And I love music. All right. Well, I'm a big Neil Diamond fan, the Jewish Elvis. So I'm on board. But when I was a kid, my parents had a bed and breakfast, a B&B. And so we'd get a lot of traveling musicians. And I would hang with them like Forrest Gump did with Elvis. Kurt Russell. Huh? Kurt Russell. Kurt Russell plays Elvis in that. Is that right? That's right. That guy was Russell? That's Kurt Russell. He looked like a 20-year-old kid. No, he's out of focus. You can't see him. He's out of focus. Yeah. I didn't know that was Russell. That's Russell. There you go. How about that? Put that in your pipe and blow me. By the way, I don't want to start a war here, but I watched 20 Minutes of Forrest Gump the other day. A lot of plot holes in that. Well, yeah. It's magical. It's like a magical movie. It's silly. Yeah. It's a silly. A lot of crazy things happen. Certainly. Why don't they all recognize him? Wouldn't this man be a celebrity? Of course. Yeah. He's a college football, all-American, Vietnam war hero. He meets the president. Ping pong. He met the president. He's the greatest ping pong player of all time, and he owns the biggest business. Wouldn't they be like, oh, yeah, I know who you are? He's retardy supreme. He's like Steve Jobs in there. Right. Right. He's done everything. He's a renaissance queen. Yeah. Another weird thing about Forrest Gump I didn't like was, remember when the teacher fucks the mom? Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Yeah. That was a weird choice in the script, because the kid, the dad goes, your mom, she really cares about your schooling, boy. And he goes, uh-huh. Uh-huh. That was very antagonistic. That is not consistent with the rest of his personality. He was very like, hey, you just fucked my mom. I'm going to mock you. I'm going to make fun of you. He's never done that in the whole rest of the movie. But is he mocking him, or is he just impersonating him? Either way, it felt a little. I don't know. I don't think he was hip to what was going on there. It just felt a little meaner than Gump was the whole other part of the movie. Right. Well, it's the only time someone's fucking his mother real hard. That's true. That's true. Not a great thing to witness or hear as a child, trust me. No. I know. I think I've heard my mom getting railed. I've heard, seen, and filmed. Oh, wow. Yeah. Well. She heard everything. Except to sell a kid. I said it to Chuck. I'm still waiting on the edit. But, yeah. All right. So what? We went off on a tangent there. Oh, anyway, I saw a song sung blue. song song blue and uh it was fun that was it nothing i mean i didn't think it was gonna go that long but no that was great i had a great time at the cinema and uh good fun i love music supreme was sold out you couldn't get in no no we just didn't want to be gone that long so there hasn't been a movie sold out since 1988 that's why i was asking like oh maybe cinema's having a moment was anyone in the theater with you no no well there was one couple i mean realistically there was a couple but it's also 9 30 a.m during a snowstorm good point so and it was new year's day so nobody was out everyone's hung over hi there folks it's tuesdays with stories and we could not do the show without our sponsors and i could not do my wife without blue chew here here man we've been together a long time by the way i'm talking to one of my close friends i don't want to give his name up oh boy he called me the other day and he goes dude my life has changed i've been hearing about blue chew for six years because a podcast he goes i finally tried one he was like it's unbelievable you got it he convinced me he's like you gotta try one he's like i am rock hard right now i'm sitting at my desk working i'm still rock hard i fucked my wife for two hours last night wow she came her brains out and he's like i'm still i'm ready to rock still wow and i'm like wow i don't have boner problems he's like no no i didn't either but it's like swollen swicky wacky full dick purple veins it's black it's a eggplant louisville it's time to level up your dick game blue chew just dropped blue chew gold it's gold folks blue chew gold is a four-in-one tablet with a mix of key ingredients to increase blood flow and your arousal i got something in my eye it's come make life easier by getting by getting harder discover your options at blue chew.com we've got a special deal for with stories fans get 10 off your first month of blue chew gold with code tuesdays that's promo code tuesdays visit blue chew.com for more details and important safety information thanks to blue chew for sponsoring the podcast we appreciate you yeehaw hey folks two stories brought to you by fabletics this is literally fabletics i'm wearing it right now i love this goddamn jacket i wear it all day every day it looks cool it's comfortable as all hell uh new workout gear is the best fabletics new vip membership makes it easy to upgrade your athletic and loungewear at an amazing price sign up as a new vip fabletics member and get 80 off everything after that the membership is about 70k oh sorry after that the membership is about 70 bucks a month your monthly membership includes a credit you can use towards a full outfit or bundle up to a hundred dollars skip any month you'd like and fabletics reminds me there are never any surprise charges hallelujah we love it the pants are great the the sweaters are great i saw a cool black guy wearing the uh the track pants the other day and i said 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seen him actually no kidding i saw him at jazz fest and right before he performed he goes or the governor of louisiana was sitting in a in a nice bleacher seat best seat in the house and he goes oh the governor's here you made abortion illegal i guess you're taking us back to the stone age and the governor went and that was it but it was fun seeing jagger get all activisty that is fun the middle of an outdoor concert yeah not usually uh political band no no but he he got one in well that's nice good for him i love a good way there's nothing better than someone shitting on you go all right thank you yeah i mean what's the guy gonna do back go fuck you faggot yeah it's he was 10 100 feet away so what did you see at la guardia okay i saw three count them three homeless people in the airport you know you always go why aren't there homeless people in the airport it's it's it's warm you don't need a ticket just sit in the baggage claim just get to the airport and sit in there and go to sleep that's what i would do interesting but i've never seen a guy like that before i've never seen a guy like that before i've never seen a guy seen it till now wow is that the decay is that is that somebody gonna make a video hey new york's over it's done so what they take the m60 over there i guess the m60 or took the air tram i guess one of them there's no air train at la guardia good point this is the wrong airport they gotta i guess once one goes there he texts his buddies and says hey come on over here yeah or carrier pigeon smoke signal whatever they do but there was three you know you see one you're huh 18 bags slumped over you know dirty smelly fumes flies then you're like wow never seen that as a homeless guy in the hallway at the airport then we got the baggage claim right up against the the belt no kidding yeah wow are you sure it wasn't a guy whose flight was canceled did he have a bag i said the same thing but he had the the hobo dog hobo dog no one's flying maybe it was a service dog now that's a show we should be pitching hobo dog i don't know what happens but that's the show that's a title that's a cool old black homeless guy i'm hobo dog hobo dog yeah i lost all my money on the on the black bowl all right all right all right so yeah i just had to throw that out there three hobos in the airport inside the airport kidding yeah wow well we'll see what happens mom daddy um oh yeah he's he's in oh he's in i didn't know he's that january 1st that's so weird to me yeah it's new year's day so new year's you can't hang out new year's eve i'd be so hung over you gotta be like i gotta go to bed i gotta fucking swear in hand on the koran all right so this was seven months ago yeah but we haven't recorded in six months oh well lay it on me so uh you know i was going to cleveland yeah uh yes big cleveland trip flight to cleveland did you see any browns no all right no indians by the way is spider is a racial term have you ever heard that before i've heard rock spider oh geez yeah i didn't make it up did you ever hear that before oh because we were talking racial slurs as you do me and lewis and soda and bobby and then he was like yeah something spiders and i was like is that a race start because the cleveland indians original name was cleveland spiders and that was getting thrown out there as a possible replacement and one time on stage i was like they should have been the spiders and it got quiet and then i was like is that a slur that i didn't know about was i like hey there should have been the n words yeah i'd never heard that i mean i guess they're black and uh long legs i guess so give a good black people have long legs i mean some do i guess kareem kimbe yeah uh put up put up put up rock spider too because that's that's when i heard from the old uh old honkies back in the south and what does that mean black oh so that's not black that's not black i thought it was black but it's from africa so i assumed you didn't really have a black pedophiles michael jackson but he had transitioned to white at that point that's true that's a great point black pedophiles there's no black magicians either oh yeah yeah black magic that's funny black magic they amaze himself too much that's a great point uh they do a trick and they have run away from their own booth oh shit uh this is a very offensive episode yeah we're getting in a weird space here but anyways so i flew to cleveland to help uh jason move and uh people hate the travel stories but you're getting one lay it on me fanny so i'm flying out friday night to make my diamond status oh yeah so i gotta make the status which by the way somebody messaged me and was like hey if you're 200 short you can just pay them and get the status and i was like well this is information i could have used that's true it's kind of like when you don't sell out you're like oh we had one ticket left like i would have bought it that's a good point i have a point i've never been that close to selling out but if i ever am i'll buy those tickets i sold out without riyadh i'm usually like 175 tickets short but anyways folks so so i'm going to cleveland now i'm pumped because i got we've talked about this before i'm flying out i got no show i got no nothing i ain't got nothing to do all i want to do is be on the road with no gig oh clear cal i think about that matt wayne and i talk about this all the time we'll be on the road and i'm like i wish we just didn't have a show i'd love to just go to charlotte with a buddy oh hang out go to the movies you fuck each other in the ass you walk around we did that with tampa oh no we had a show in tampa never mind i did three shows god one night so and we're i'm flying They're going, hey, what do I care? So my flight is supposed to be at 8 p.m. 8 p.m. flight because I'm like, I'll just take the last flight out so I can be with my kid all day, and then I'll fly out. What difference does it make? I'll get in at 11 o'clock. Who cares? Go jerk off. Wake up. Maybe I'll take a yoga class in the morning and go help Cantor move. Here we go with yoga. She's slipping in slowly. I'll go help Cantor move. I didn't go to yoga. I'm joking. All right. So I'll help Cantor. I'll see Cantor, the whole thing, and I get to eat Mama Santa's, my favorite restaurant, as you know. Ah, the guinea joint. Everybody knows about Mama Santa's from me. I've been spreading the word for 15 years. Yeah, the red sauce. Tell Cantor, I'll come out, I'll help you move, and we'll eat some Mama Santa's. Oh, yeah. So 8 p.m. flight. The night before. Ah, here we go. Excuse us. It's Delta here. We just wanted to let you know your flight's canceled. Canceled? I got my whole plan. I'm going to go make diamond status, do yoga, not do yoga, no yoga. Going to go. No yoga, facing Becca. Go out there, see Cantor, hang out, get my diamond status, flight canceled. We went ahead and rebooked you. Oh, they always rebook you a month away, too. So they go, we rebooked you. Now you're on an 8 p.m. flight to Detroit. What? You get to Detroit at 10.30 p.m. You got an 11-minute layover. Then you fly from Detroit to Cleveland. You now get in at 3 a.m. I'm like, wow. What are you fucking me? Get out of here. This is Delta. This is Delta. Boy, boy, boy. Boy, they don't want you to get that diamond. Well, I think what happened is. Dustin Diamond. Nobody's flying from New York to Cleveland on four days before Christmas on a Friday night. They probably had 11 tickets sold. Oh. We're not using the gas. Got it. Now, in the old days, pre-9-11, I want to sound like some old man here, you used to get on a plane and there'd be eight people on the plane. Those were the best flights. Now you're never on a plane where they don't go, we have an extremely full flight, fuck your mother, don't bring any luggage. Yes, yes. So the flight's canceled. So I say to Sarah, hey, I think I'm going to get on a 4 p.m. flight instead because I don't want to fly to fucking Detroit and I'm going to get it at 1 a.m.? That's crazy. So I call them up. I'm Diamond. They answer, go, hey, no problem. Boom, boom, bang. I love being Diamond. They go, all right, you're now on the 5 p.m. flight. Okay, still pretty late in the day. You get some love time. Exactly. I got all day. I got till 3 p.m. And then nobody's on there. Again, it's Friday. I guess it was kind of busy, actually. So. I hang out all day. I get to hang with the kid. Boobly boop, skippity bop. We have breakfast, lunch, dinner. We eat at 69. I head to the airport. It's one of these ones. I'm paranoid. I like to get there early. It's Friday. A lot of traffic. Get in the car. Car leaves. Kid's crying. I'm so sorry. I'll be back in a day. I'm just going to do yoga. I drive five minutes. Your flight's delayed till 7.30 p.m. Ah! You couldn't have hit me 10 minutes earlier. You couldn't. Exactly. So I go, should I turn around? Should I get out? Get another 60 minutes? With my kid? I'm going to be five hours early at the airport. Yeah, you got to turn around. No, I go, fuck it. I'm already in the car. You got that lounge waiting for you, too. Exactly. So I go, and then you have this. I'll get work done. Okay. I'm never by myself. Okay. I got to edit this documentary. I got to do this, that, the other thing. I'm working on seven projects at once. Yes, yes. I'm going to go get some work done. Skank fest, doc. Get to the airport. Now, this is a new thing, and I want you to be careful about this, because they're going to get you with this. Oh, what? Hudson? New has got a security guard? No. Okay. And now I know you better than anyone knows you, so I want you to know about this. Maybe you already know. I get to the airport. I got four hours to kill. Jesus. I'm doing Starbucks, boop-a-boop, at the Bucks, and I'm working. Okay, good. Your flight has moved back up to 530. Okay. Did you know they're doing this now? I've seen it once. They'll tell you there's a two-hour delay, and then they go, ah, just kidding. Now, is that a ruse? Is that a move? Is that a work? Well, I think- I don't know. I don't know. Because now they go, we overbooked this cum guzzler. Let's shift some times around. We'll lose some people. Yeah, that's not bad. I'm being paranoid, and I'm just throwing ideas out. Well, evidently, they solved whatever problem, so they moved it back up again. So now I go, oh, shit. It's a good thing I came here. Uh-huh. Because they could fuck people on this. That's what I'm saying. Because you go, yeah, I'm delayed. Oh, I see what you're saying now. Yeah, yeah. So I go, okay, great. All right. Well, I'm getting- I'm getting my work done, but now I'm leaving again. So now I'm only delayed 20 minutes or whatever. Oh. It's a good thing I'm here, so I'm ready. So I get on the plane. Now the flight gets moved to 5.18 PM. It was 5. Now it's 5.18. Not bad. So we line up. I'm Delta. I'm flying first class. I couldn't be happier. And they can delay it or whatever they want. I got nothing to do. Okay. And I got myself a nice hotel. Very nice. I'm staying in a nice hotel. Look at you. Boy, you're living. End of the year. Plus, we got that Comedy Central money. So I'm like a wealthy man. Oh, man. I got an extra couple of K coming your way. It was wild. I got mine. Did you get yours? I think I got it. Yeah, it's crazy. My manager tried to take a piece. That's nuts. I said, blow me, bitch. We board the plane. I got nobody next to me. Empty. In first class, empty seat next to me. Oh, my Lord. 5.18. No delay. I'm going to get in at 7. There's a big college football playoff game. I'm going to order a pizza pie. Bye-bye. Captain comes on. Hey, folks. Thanks for boarding. Your mother's a cunt. And we are going to be delayed here two hours on the ground. Oh, wow-wee. Didn't even give you a cushion. Didn't give you an increment. I go, what? We just boarded. Yes. They boarded the whole plane. And he goes, if you want to get off the plane, you're welcome to. But have you ever heard this? I've never heard this before. Yeah, I've heard this. If more than two people get off, everybody has to get off. That I've never heard. Never heard that in my life. They're making up shit now. They're going willy-nilly, flying off the sea. So I'm like, I've got to sit here for two hours. If I want to go get one of those sandwiches I like, that's a line from Casino, which makes me laugh. When he gets banned, he's like, you're banned from the casino. He goes, what if I want to go in and get one of those sandwiches I like? How funny is that? That's hilarious. You're not allowed in the casino. But what if I want a sandwich I like? I like those sandwiches. I want to get one of that one. You might as well grab a sandwich. I'm not going to cheat at cards, I swear. That's a hell of a picture. That's like getting banned from the cellar going, can I just get the falafel? Yeah, I just want to get a nugget. I think I might be banned from the cellar, by the way. I'll put it in twice. I didn't get spots. Damn. I'm telling you. Damn. Times have changed. Yikes. So I'll talk to Liz. Lex is best. So I go, what the fuck is this? So then I'm like, well, I don't want to get off. So I think everybody was like, well, we don't want to be the person that causes everyone to get off. You don't want to be that guy. I wondered, though, I'm like, can we have a dialogue and be like, what if two get off, two come back, and then two go? Shifts. Rotate. So it's a whirlwind because you're like, the flight got canceled. It got moved up, then moved back, then moved back again. And I'm like, well, just keep it delayed. Yes, exactly. Why'd we get on, you queefs? So whatever the fuck. So we sit there for two hours. But the same thing. I'm like, I'm not letting anything get in the way of my tits. I'm excited to go to Cleveland to have a night. No shows. Nice hotel. I'm not stressing. So I ended up reading. I'm reading this Ethan Hawke book, A Bright Ray of Darkness. You love the Hawke. I'm obsessed with Ethan Hawke. Hawke-a-loogie. This book is amazing. You can listen to it on audio. I want to recommend it. Is it a bio? No, it's a novel. Oh, it's a novel. It's fiction. But it's very sexy, yeah. Oh. He says things like, I need my cock in your mouth. It's crazy. Whoa. Very hot. Man, oh, man, Ethan. Anyways, let me just plow right through this. So we're delayed two hours on the ground. Finally, we land in Cleveland. Now it's getting late. It's like, whatever the fuck, 930. I thought I was going to get there at 8. So you did the two-hour delay. Oh, yeah. We just sat there for two hours. No TVs, by the way, because it's a regional play. So I'm watching YouTube and whatever, getting all the good gossip and comedy. Sure. La Mer. So we land in Cleveland. I go, all right, we finally made it. I'm a little later than I thought. I'm going to eat late, watch the football game. What time do you land? I don't know, 930, something like that. OK, OK. There's still some civilization out. Land there. He goes, hey, folks. We're sorry. Again, our gate is blocked. Gay, flat tire. Fucking, it was a fist fight. We're going to be on the tarmac. 45 minutes on the tarmac in Cleveland. Ended up being a five-hour trip to Cleveland. Flight to Cleveland, five hours. Thank God you had no gig. No gig, fortunately. You're losing hotel time, though. I lost some hotel time. Then I get to the hotel. It's just a big, giant bed. I had a great view of the lake and the stadium and the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Cleveland, underrated. Big bed. I'm going to move there. And then we had Showtime 1 and 2. Showtime had a home run derby of movies. I had Django Unchained. Whoa. There was an Indiana Jones marathon. Not the new ones, I hope. No, no, the old ones. And then something else that was really fun. Oh, fuck. It was some other movie. Boy, you get a pizza and your feet up. You're clicking all night. It was unbelievable. Then I go to Cantor's, which was great. His house is great. The place is amazing. But I'm like, all right. And he goes, Mama Santa's. He goes, ah, we had it last night. Oh. How about that? I go, it's a restaurant. Just get something different today. Yeah. It's the reason I came here. Right, right. My favorite restaurant in the country. It's the first time I've ever been to Cleveland and didn't go to Mama Santa's. I'm like, what are you talking about? He's like, ah, my dad brought it over last night. Damn, that stings. I had a little hot dog. I'm not too hungry. Yikes. What sandwiches are they like? What? I go, what are you talking about? So we ended up having Mexican. It was great. His neighborhood's fucking amazing. - Really? - Awesome. - Wow. - And he's got a three bedroom, three floor, All new Furnished Rooftop Unbelievable When you go to Hilarity's You gotta go over there I'll check it out Now he He had The theater Whatever sorry He had the apartment lottery Back in New York He kept that Oh he kept that Oh yeah He's a dual citizen now Is that illegal I don't want to get the guy In trouble here But I think he gotta be This motherfucker right here Alright we'll move it along Well I think he's Bi-coastal Or whatever you call it He's bi Sexual Got it But anyway So now Mama Santa's Which was inferior And flew home That's my Cleveland trip Tell me about Miami The titty bar All the stuff Wow but first of all That's the hard part About travel People go Oh you bitch about travel You sat on a plane And had a cocktail For three hours Whoa And you're like No it's the mental Juggling Yes Oh I gotta get the Uber Oh now it's too late Oh now it's back on time Oh now we got a D-board Or do we D-board And a tarmac 45 minutes That's the hard part It's all that bullshit Yes It fucks with your head Well and here's the thing And I can't remember If we talked about this In the podcast If I just talked to this With my wife In real life There's something about Being And you know this feeling And we've talked about it Together at least I don't know if it was On the air or not There's something about Being fully alone That's so different You know what I mean Where like not even With your wife Or your best buddy When I'm in a hotel I am picking my nose I'm putting it on The comforter I have my hand On my dick A full hard on I jerk off twice I go to the shower I take a shower For two and a half hours I watch the I'll watch Sleepless in Seattle With my feet over my head Licking my own asshole You jerk off You shoot it right in your face You mix it in your milk Whatever you want When you're on a plane You're like I want to watch this video But I don't want to be judged Yes yes I want to text my ex But I don't want people To know I'm texting my ex I want to send a dick pic To Lex But I don't want people To see the size of my dick Sure You're just not Fully yourself Yes Especially with a baby With a baby And when you're A public figure also You're like Which person knows Who I am Which person thinks I'm a homo Yep So that's the thing You just want to get To the hotel And fucking paint your toenails And be the true you I mean it's Kevin McAllister You're jumping on the bed With the pizza With the Pepsi With the clicker It's It's It's the real you You're right You can really strip down And forget all your inhibitions Forget about your worries And your strife I had one the other day You know when you get Too comfortable In public And you get caught Yes So I'm with Salicus At Westway Diner We had our big Weekly diner hang And I'm bitching about Mom Donnie Because he raised the prices Of the diner? Of the subway Ugh I know He raised the prices Of the subway? And the bus I thought his whole thing Was free subway I know That's exactly my point Is this right? Could this possibly be right? Give it a go It was planned Months ago Okay But it's still Months Dommy ago Not a great look To be like The free guy And then Right when you get in They go up He should at least Address it like That wasn't me Or whatever It wasn't me But Point is I'm in the booth Going He raised the prices The whole thing was free And I look over And there's a lady going Glasses Sitting alone Fat And I'm like Ah shit She heard everything I got too comfortable I got too loose Then you go Does she know who I am? Is this a tweet? Yeah it's gonna be A reddit thread Exactly Mark Dorman's Homo Now how about this? This is one of my best moments I can't wait She Eventually leaves She eats her Big pile of slop Stands up Puts a mask on So you're like Oh I'm really fucked now She puts the mask on She walks out She gives me a look Like I know everything I got you pegged Oh boy You're a piece of shit I didn't know what to do I feel Like I'm two inches tall Salacuse's hand Is on the table I put my hand on his We're a couple Now Now she goes Whoa I didn't know he was a homosexual Maybe I judged this guy A little too soon Maybe I shouldn't tweet This is a fellow LGBT queef That's not bad Something there Yeah You should kiss him on the lips I thought about it But he's ugly Yeah we should have done Put your head under the table And just start Fucking Clanging your head Off the bottom of the table A little hollandaise going He's sucking down equal packets Yeah But yeah It was a nice move Like hey You're gonna You're gonna attack Two Two Fellow Pridesmen Queers Two gays Two trans Whatever That's pretty good Good save It was a good save I felt like a Larry David moment Like how do I get out of this I'm gay now Absolutely It was when I was a single man My old move was When the The clipboard guy would walk up And I'd be on a date And I'd go Pretend we're making out So then we just start making out You see It worked every time That's how you get to the top Yeah You go Pretend you're making out Is making out Oh yeah You know Then you go The girl goes Oh okay And you're like That's why That's why you're making out I'm an actor You're hard On the sidewalk And this guy goes I'm not gonna bother them That's pretty good Double whammy No my other move was And I won't get into it We're doing a lot of Side hustles here Yes I would go to a show And I would go up to a girl I'd go Hey I'm on next I hate to be annoying But I gotta get some photos For my website Could you just snap some pics Of me while I'm on stage And they'd go Yeah okay Then I'd get off stage Hopefully you do well And then you go Here Here Here's my number Text me those pics And I really appreciate it Thank you And then An hour goes by And you go Hey thanks for the pics I just want to get your number And it worked Every single time Wow Never failed That's pretty good That was back when You had to get creative To get laid Sure You know now we got the apps And OnlyFans And Bonnie Blue She's good Bonnie Blue me too I don't know Bonnie Blue balls So yeah Yeah I went to Miami Went to Cape Town Cape Cod Give me some goods Give me some stuff It was a full haul By the way The hard part With the flying with the baby Is that runway time You know Because you calculate Okay how long is this flight Two hours and 43 minutes To Florida Then you sit on the runway For 60 minutes Yes And you're like I didn't factor this in Yeah So now the baby's sleeping On my chest For the runway And then you take off And it wakes up And now you got the full time You're like That's not fair Right Well it's hard But then you're like But wouldn't it have sucked If he was wiggling And screaming that whole time Sure yeah But then that's It turns the volume up On delays When you have a baby We got a 30 minute delay And you're like Fuck me That's why the Cleveland thing Was like Ah what are you gonna do What are you gonna do I can watch all my YouTube That I can't watch at home Right Yeah so I just gotta say Miami I get it man That is a cool ass city It felt like LA used to feel Interesting Great weather Hot people Everybody seemed happy And free And fun We went to the beach We went to the pool I took the boy in the pool He's freaking out I'm just drinking margaritas All day With a baby in the pool I threw the floaty Right off the Side of the building What do you mean Well I was like I'll hold him Oh yeah We don't know No floaties Okay I hate the floaties I feel like I got some Dirty looks Like you're just gonna Hold that baby You're not gonna You know Have a safety net Oh we're all whole Whole is so much safer Also the floaties I hate those As a kid It makes that noise Like It's like nails on a chalkboard Horrible I hate a floaty He didn't like it either We were putting it on He was wigging out And screaming No no No float I just hold him like this And you know He's splashed He loves it Of course Yeah yeah Oh they go fucking nuts In the pool It's the best The pool was so shallow I could get on one knee Like a Kaepernick And I could put his feet there And now he's standing in the pool Right Now I'm driving the bus Exactly I'm Batman So we had a great time And uh Trying to think some Crazy shit happened Hang on Oh So for New Year's We go New Year's gonna be crazy Maybe the night before New Year's We'll go to Eleven These go to Eleven You know what Eleven is? I know from you This crazy titty bar thing Well May told me about it first Okay Well she got a wild hair up her ass She said Eleven is the The most profitable nightclub in America It's this big Crazy stripper Sexy Techno Music Warehouse In Miami It's known for being Debaucherous and crazy She's like We gotta go We're in Miami We gotta go She bought She buys eight outfits She wears a G-string A shoestring A tampon string String theory And uh I put on a leather jacket I really cologne it up I go full Cuban Cunt Douche Send me some photos I will Leave yourself out if you want Matt Ruby Is in Miami I go Come to Miami I can get us into Eleven He goes I'll see you there What's he doing down there? He was down there with some dame Lapping it up He's always got a dame That Ruby Ruby and Chuck Two of the The big womanizers Great cocksman And uh He's down there He brings some Middle Eastern whore Out to the strip club And uh Yeah We really Had a time I mean The strippers now I mean They have leveled up It's like Fucking trapeze And they're up on top Of the pole And they're like The pole ended At the top of the The roof And then you could just Get up on top of the pole And spin like a top And they put their vagina On the pole It was incredible It was incredible Tom Dustin had an idea For stripper awards Back in the day Please Strippies That's a great idea Cause there's Porn awards of course Yes But he had some And he had a An acronym For it The Superior Tits Ripple Indonesia Poo poo Elephant Snot Or something I don't know Whatever it was Stripples Strippers You could just do strip Probably Strip Stripper, Strippies, I think it was the Strippies But, yeah, you'd have all the women perform and do a thing, and then you'd give out an award, or you'd have the 10 or the 9, whatever, the little cards, like Harvard Sucks. That's a great idea, because these women are unbelievably talented. They're unbelievably athletic. Oh, yeah. Back in our day, it would just be like a fat lady with tits going, do you like this big boy? And you'd go, here's a dollar. Now they're all over the place. What's the club? Do you sit up against the thing? Is it stages? Everywhere different kinds of stages? Take me through 11. I want to know more about 11. I've got to say, we built it up a little in our head. We had this whole visions of grandeur, where we thought it was going to be this insane nine warehouses, an airplane hangar full of hookers just doing zip lines with their cooch out. But it's really just a giant strip club with two dance floors. Okay. And a DJ. 50 Cent was the music that night. He was there? Yeah, later. We went to the early show. Okay. Because we were like, we're old, we've got a kid at the hotel, and it was a little underwhelming. But you know Forrest Shaw? Yeah, I think so. He's a Miami comic. It's a Canadian, yeah. Hilarious. He's known for Patrice, Geraldo. He's the real deal. Okay, yeah, kind of. I texted him. I go, can you get us into 11? He goes, I got you on the list. So I was like, hey, that's pretty cool. Oh, so this is like serious, exclusive. Oh, yeah. Limpos, rope, velvet, Rolls Royces, all kinds of skanks there. It was great. So we get in there, and it's early, because they say it kicks off at 1. And I go, well, we're leaving at 1. Right. A, I'm a dad now with the baby, and B, I don't even want to be there at 1. It's too much. So there's a DJ spinning and all that. We hired a nanny or a babysitter off a website. Hmm. Yeah, a little risky. What website? Nannybitch.org. It was a little scary, but it was a little Asian girl came over with a mask on, and she was all into the baby. And we said, he's already sleeping. Just. Just don't leave. OK. Don't leave. Best gig ever, by the way. What, babysitting a sleeping baby? Yeah. Yeah, it's pretty awesome. It's always tricky, though, because if they wake up, and then they're just like, who's this lady? Hello, that. What's going on here? But they get over it. Yeah. They came around, started talking again. Also, wouldn't that be great if you went to bed, you wake up, you're like, ah, there's a little Asian girl in my room. I would love that. I dream about it. Yeah, or a boy. Yeah. So we do the 11. We leave at 1. And we get prepped. Pretty sloppy. We come back. We have the craziest, wildest Miami sex. Because there's just palpable fuck fumes in the air. Fuck fumes. That's something you should be selling. OK. Yeah. Gwyneth Paltrow's got a vagina candle. I'm selling fuck fumes. You get fuck fumes. Yeah. So we get back. Crazy sex. It's a baby two feet away. You wake up. Oh, my God. I'm so hungover. We got the baby all day. It's probably one of the hardest things on the planet. It's the seventh. Circle of hell is being hungover with a baby. You didn't foresee that being an issue. You're in the moment. You're living. I think we knew what happened. But when it hits you, it is a whopper. Yeah. It's a doozy. Can't imagine. It's the worst, longest day of your life. And you go, I had a realization. We should hire the babysitter for the morning. We're working all day with a baby. You babysit all day. Yeah. Then you go get. It's like a Cosby joke. You hire a lady so you can go ruin your body, get fucked up, get a hangover. Then the lady leaves. You come back. Now you're hungover with a baby. That's when you need the help. Hungover is worse. Well, you need the help, too, when you're gone. I guess so. Can't you bring this nanny? She doesn't travel, this lady. Wow. That's a pretty penny. Put her in a hotel, in a plane, in a bus. Doesn't she live in the hotel? You just have her on the end of the bed like a puppy. Yes. Yes, she snores. Yeah. Okay. But, yeah, so hungover. But we don't want to shortchange the fat man. So we go, let's take him to the children's museum. All right. So we take him to the children's museum. They're doing a thing called Happy Noon Year. This is brilliant. Brilliant. These people are so smart. I know. How the hell do they come up with this stuff? The problem is they do a big New Year's for the baby at noon. It's clever. It's cute. He gets the countdown. Instead of midnight, it's noon. We show up. It's fucking jammed with Miami parents and kids running around. And we're hungover. Right. So now we take an Uber there. We're both like this. We want to kill ourselves. The baby falls asleep in the Uber. I take it out of the Uber. I bring it. I'm like, we're not bringing this kid in until he wakes up. Because I want every penny's worth. Right. I'm not bringing him in. Have him sleep through the whole thing. He's waking up. So now we're like, okay. You're George Costanza. We're sitting outside the children's center or whatever. And we're both slumped over, leaning on a wall like this. She falls into me. She falls asleep because we're so hungover and on no sleep. The baby's asleep. I'm sitting there like this. We look like fentanyl people. This is probably who you saw at the airport. You're like, look at these hobos taking over our city. I know. So one guy's like, you okay? I'm like, oh, yeah. The baby's napping. And he's like, what about her? And I'm like, she's dead. Don't worry about it. Keep it moving. He's like, okay. So then the baby finally wakes up. I nudge the lady. We get up. We get up. We go in. It's just screaming kids. And our kid hates it. And this is parenting in a nutshell. You try to do something for the kid, for the baby. And he's like, this sucks. There's a million screaming kids. I can't walk. I'm stuck in a stroller. Kids are running by me. There's confetti everywhere, balloons, parents. He's miserable. We're miserable. Now the kid's screaming. So then I go, he's got a shit in his ass. I bring him out to the lawn. I change his diaper. He's screaming. He's got shit everywhere. It was the worst day ever. Oh, God. Well, it sounds like he's not ready for the happy noon yet. It feels like it was toddlers or something. It was, yeah. It was like five-year-olds running around. Is there a ball that drops? There's a ball. There's balloons. They did a confetti everywhere. And we're like, oh, the baby's screaming. He's got shit in his ass. His kid's running all over his face. It was a big, big. Big apple pie. Yeah, big misstep. We really fucked up. So then we just got back to the hotel. You know, dealt with it. But you try to do a good thing for the boy, and he hated it. That's parenting. Well, that's the thing. You never know what these kids are going to love. But it sounds like later down the road, he might love the happy noon year. I might go to Miami next year. It's fun. It's worth it. The sun, though. The air is clean. We stayed in Coconut Grove. It's right by the water. The hotel had a pool on the roof. It was magical. Well, there's nothing better than warm weather. We were in Houston for five days. It really is. And it was 85. I was having cigars in the backyard. We had a little fire chiminea thing with a little fire. And then you forget what it's like to have a nice sunset and be outside for it. I know. Because you get a good winter sunset. It's pink and whatever, but you're not outside. Yeah. Yeah. And also, what's fun is you look at that New York weather. It's like, whoo, I haven't seen a snowstorm like that in 40 years, all that shit. And you're like, here I am getting a tan. I got the fucking silver thing, you know, doing that whole thing. And the baby's in the pool. I got a margarita. It's great. It feels like 12 is what it said. I was in Texas. I looked at New York. It said, feels like 12. Yeah. They showed people snowboarding in Central Park, I saw. Oh, really? Yeah. It was a crazy snow day. That's kind of fun. We had to go buy snow gear. My dad bought Marty a little remote. You know those Jeeps that are like remote control? Wow. And he sits in it. It was fucking great. But it goes two miles an hour. Yeah. You don't speed through two miles an hour, so everybody sees you. Damn. Fresh Prince. There you go. But yeah, we had him in the. He's got a little thing. It's funny. He's driving. He can handle the wheel, and then you just gas him up. Damn fun. Wow. That thing's what? This big? Yeah. It's about that size. You got to take. You got to house that thing. No, it stays at my parents'. I can't fit it in. Well, this is the thing, by the way. I tell everyone in my family, don't get Christmas gifts. The house is. I feel like De Niro in Goodfellas. I'm like, don't buy anything. Yes. Yes. Our house is the size of my father's asshole. Take it back. So I go, and then my sister's like, I couldn't help it. I bought him everything. And I get it. I get it. You want to buy the kids stuff. So it's just a mountain of gifts. He got 350 fucking Buzz Lightyear, Woody Allen, Woody fucking whatever. Hopefully not Woody Allen. A baseball bat, a glove, a roller coaster, a motorized car. And I'm like, I can't bring any of that. We look like the fucking Griswolds. I know. And how about this, by the way? I bought a Nissan Sentra years ago. Everyone knows about it. As soon as I bought the fucking thing, I don't do any research. I just go, I drove a Nissan Sentra once. I like Nissan. I'm buying this car. I'm buying this car. Cash. Here you go, fuck face. I remember. As soon as I bought it, I told the star on the podcast, I got 375,000 messages going. If it's a 2015 to 2019, the transmissions are lemons. They're fucking lemon juice, lemonade, fucking Don Lemon. It's a piece of shit. Lemon party. You're going to die. The car sucks. And I go, ah, well, maybe mine's special. Don't you hate that? Is there anything worse than this? I drive the car. I barely ever drive the fucking thing. It's all highway miles. It has 54,000 miles. It has 54,000 miles on it. All highway. That's low. Yeah. I don't drive all that often. And if I do, it's to my parents' house or Philly, whatever the fuck. Sure. Drive the car 250 miles to my parents' house. Great time. We're singing Wheels on the Bus and Baby Shark on repeat for five hours. Get there. Says my tire pressure's a little low. All right. It's cold out. That's fair. So I tell my dad. My dad, he likes to help. He likes to do the stuff. I go, hey, tire pressure's a little low. You want to get on that, fuck face? Yeah. He goes, you got it. This is his thing. This is his thing. his love language sure so he goes out there He fills up the tire. He comes in. He goes, hey, when did the check engine light come on? Oh, you told me this. I go, it wasn't on at all. We take it to, I didn't tell you this part. We take it to the dealership. 7,000 bucks. Ah, your Johnson rods fucked up. It's like how you christen his kids. 7,000. Yeah, for 7,000 I charge. I got to get a second a pin. Well, they go. Second amendment. They go, yeah, the transmission's got a coil, fucking Charlie coil, whatever the fuck. Baby coil. I go, what? Yeah, Popeye coil. So I go, what are you talking about? I paid 18,000 for the car. Yeah. 7,000? Kooky. $6,600, she says. We got to take apart the fucking thing. Boopity boop, scoopity bip. What? The Sentra got you. And it's Friday. And I go, well, I'm driving home Sunday. They go, what are you, crazy? You can't have this thing until Trump leaves office. Oh, no. So I had to rent a car to drive back because I had to do the regs and this podcast, the other podcast. I got to get back to work. Oh, that's horrific. So I rented a car. That was 500 bucks. I got an Audi A5, by the way. I want to buy one of those things. That's my wife's bra size. It was fucking unbelievable. Wow. And maybe I said this before. I never knew what zero to 60 was all about. They'd always say zero to 60. It's safety. You merge on the highway. I drive a Nissan Sentra, a Honda Civic, an 87 Buick. Tell me. I got an old Beamer. I'm zero to 60. It takes me 10 minutes. I'm going to die. I never realized that's what they're talking about. I thought it was speed. Like, look how fast we are. Well, it's speed, but the speed, the reason it's relevant is when you get on the highway, I just go vroom and I'm up to speed. I did not know that. My whole life, I've been merging like, oh my God, shift, shift. We're going to die. Yeah, same. I'm in a Mack truck going vroom. It's the fucking Tracy Morgan truck is coming at me, and I'm stuck in third gear doing 38 on the highway. Yeah, I figure a Sentra has something. A little bit, but it's like vroom. But this Audi silently just goes zoom, and I'm up to 75 miles an hour. It took me an hour and a half to get home. Wow. I was driving like a buck 30 on the thing. Meanwhile, Marty's in the back seat. If he kicks, my whole seat moves because the back seat's as long as my dick. Oh, I picture him on the window like. It was nuts. I'm going to buy an Audi A5. Wow. It's a German's man. They know how to kill people. Is that German? Audi. I have no idea. Yeah, Audi, Beamer, Mercedes, all germs. Well, I looked it up. It's like 50 grand. Yeah. It's a little steep. By the way, Tesla, ultimate pickup. Is that right? More than an Audi. Way more. Yeah, there's no shift. There's no transmission. Wow. Well, my car has no transmission, but right now, my car is living in Brockton, Massachusetts, city of champions. And they still are like, we got to find the part. We got to fly in the part. We got to smell a fart. So I don't know what the fuck I'm doing. Yeah. And this Saturday, I'm off. I was just gone for 10 days. I'm like, all right, I guess I got to go back to Massachusetts on Saturday. Saturday, get my fucking car. Oh, what a nightmare. Seven grand. You shouldn't have showed your dad the car. He fucked you. Yeah, it's brutal. My car's in Pennsylvania. But now they're like, we might not need it after all, because we bitched and moaned. And it was 10 days after my extended warranty. Ah. So I talked to another guy, and he's like, you got to call Nissan yourself and say, fuck your mother. This thing has 50,000 miles. You sold me a lemon. Don Lemon. I already said that. Yes, yes, yes. Lemonade. Lemon. That's a deep cut. That's an old Detroit Tigers player. Chet Lemon. How was that? Where the fuck was that in my brain? That was deep in your asshole. But anyway, so my car's fucked. I'm buying an Audi. My father's gay. Gomez has an Audi. Is that right? Yeah, I think he's got an A5. He got rid of it. Oh. Oh, I can't remember that. That's it. He's got a puppy, a house. This guy spends money like a fucking Dominican pimp, as DePaulo would say. Well, he's got a podcast studio, which I assume. He's in the hole. Yeah, I think he's stealing money from us, too. Plus, Skankfest feels like a Ponzi scheme. I don't think I got paid yet. No. All right, well, we'll see you there next year. I never miss it. I think I got it all in. The flight home was hell. That was about it. How about this, by the way? We were looking for investors for the movie, and Lewis Gomez comes in the pocket. He goes, if someone invests 10 grand, I'll give them a golden ticket for next year's festival. That woman writes to us, hey, can I get a golden ticket for seven? I'm like, no. It's $3,000 less. What is that? Maybe half a ticket. This is crazy. If you give 10 grand, you get this. How about if I give seven? No, that's not the deal. She's negotiating. Well, negotiate, skimotiate, whatever that means. Yeah, you got that right. I'm going to kill myself. All right, I got a bunch of dates coming up. Boy, we really limped to the finish line on that one. I fucked us. I'm sorry. No, no, we got there. We'll cut that. Seven grand. But anyways, oh, yeah, that's how much of my trip was. I should talk to Lewis and say, hey, can this lady get a golden ticket for seven grand? I take it. I pay for the transmission. She gets the golden ticket. I love it. Howdy. I might do that. Okay. Well, he's not going to like that. No. He gets nothing out of that. But hey, you can drive to Skank. But what does he care? She just has a ticket. Oh, this is for the doc? Yeah. Oh, yeah, it's your doc. Yeah. All right. I've got a golden ticket. Anyway. Guys, I got some dates coming up. I don't know when this comes out. I have no idea what fucking year it is. I don't even know what pod this is anymore. I'm in Atlantic City, January 31st. I don't know. Virginia Beach, Funny Bone is coming up. When the fuck is that? How do I know? This is why I'm so bad. Oh, Poughkeepsie coming up March 20th through the 21st. Levittown Governors. That's not till June. Vegas in January. Asheville, January 22nd. Charlotte, January 22nd through the 24th. Oh, yeah, these are the big ones. Here we go. Vancouver, one night only. The Rio Theater, February 12th. San Francisco, Cobbs, one of the great clubs all time. February 13th, 13th through 15th. I got choked up. That's lunch. 13th through the 15th. San Francisco, one of the crown jewels of America. I don't care what anybody says. Love it. San Antonio, March 5th through the 7th. And, of course, Virginia Beach, February 27th and 28th. So, come out to that. Buy the Tom Dustin movie. That's still for sale. Six bucks, for God's sake. Six dollars for a movie. Buy it. It'll be fun. It's worth it. All right. That's it for me. Hey, I'm at Brea, California, at the Brea Improv. Then I'm at the Spirit Mountain Casino in Oregon. Also, the Midtown Ballroom in Bend, Oregon. Stress Factory in New Brunswick, New Jersey. Love that room. Love that town. I can sleep in my own bed. San Antone, coming to LOL. Bricktown in Tulsa and all kinds of fun stuff down the line. Coming down to Seattle. Seattle and Arizona. All kinds of cool stuff. Some big news coming out later in the year. So, we'll keep an eye out for that. Get on the Patreon. I love big news. Queef it up. Praise Allah. Go gay. Tell a friend. We'll see what happens. Hopefully, Netflix writes us back. Yes. We threw a big email at them, and I think we scared them off. But, we'll see. What are you going to do? I heard they're taking their time figuring it out. Okay. Hopefully, they're not looking at our analytics. Good Lord. No. I know. Bill Simmons got on there, I saw. Oh, wow. Yeah, he did a good part. I haven't listened. Yeah, he stinks. All right, folks. We'll see you all in hell. Queef it up. Thank you. All right. Take care. See you all.