#637 Icky Mantle

Hey Mark, fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do. Great. Good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with. Stories! Hit her in the face with a surfboard. And then the duck fell out of his bag! Surf's up! And she didn't even flush. Knock knock. Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe List! Yeah! This is Tuesdays with Stories, everybody. No, that's terrible. This is supposed to be cheesy. My radio is spitting at me. Whoa! I just farted when I yelled. That was kind of fun. Yeah, I wish I got that on tape. But yeah, we are here. We're queer. It's the holiday season. It's Christmas time. The bells are ringing. The whites are singing. And my balls are stinging. I'm loving it. I love. I just left Macy's. It's like a movie set up there. It's crazy. And it's. The place opens at 10 a.m. We got there at 9.45. Wow. For this big movie. Wow. For this big Santa brunch with your wife. Yeah. And we went up there. And there's a line around the corner. Everyone's decorated. The windows have the things and the shops. And there's bows of Holly. Yeah. What is a bow? Hot dog. Yeah, a bow. Who's Holly, by the way? I don't know. Well. Holly Hunter? Oh, yeah. Those displays in the window. People fly in for those. I'm telling you, Jerry. Those are huge. I was out there. And there's people going. We got it. We got it, we got it, we got it, we got it. Oh, hey, nice. Korean. And, yeah, there was some of that, too. There was some. Shit, look at this motherfucking bluey. Oh, jeez. That was just a homeless guy. But it's beautiful. I've never been to a department store as it opens. And they ring a bell. And you go in. Everyone's clapping. They go, you really missed a hell of a time up there. That was fun. Santa Claus, the elves. Then there was these three hot bitches singing a cappella. Mrs. Claus or an elf? Or what are we talking? They were dressed in, like, miniskirt. It was, like, mean girls. Mini skirts, fishnets. I took a photo. Ask your wife. One of them was staring at me. Oh. And I kept being like, she's staring. Are you guys noticing this? Yeah. And then I started pointing at Sarah going, this is my sister. I'm available. And I don't know. I think your nanny was a little suspect. She's brown and an immigrant. She's always on edge. She was like, why is he flirting with this woman in front of you? And my wife was like, I don't care. Who cares? But I'm telling you, it was three hot broads. I got the photos to prove it. Oh, please. Now we're talking. Well, your wife's dumb head is in the way also. I'm trying to get hard here. Hold on. There they are. Look at this. I'll cut her out, but. Whoa, mama. You're not kidding. This is the one that was really staring at me. Yeah, yeah. Look at that face. Wow, that's a mug. Don't look at that one. White boots, fishnets. Hachi machi. Is that something? She's a little bit of a rough one, but yeah. And you can photoshop a cock right in there. She's doing this. I mean, all three of them. It's like a blow-up doll's face. Look at that. Holy hell. I like that. I like that one on the end there. That's the one that was looking at me. Very insane. I said, I'm like, am I crazy? This woman's staring at me, and. And she recognized you from the pod. That's what I think. Oh, The Tonight Show, Netflix, Conan. You never know. I mean, I've done a lot. Conan's been over for a couple of years, but yeah. Letterman. Way over. What's the other one? Comics Unleashed? Corden, I did. Oh, jeez. And I swore on it, too. Wow. Accidentally. Oh, yeah, you had that spaz. Yeah, well, I spaz because the guy was moving. He was moving something. He stepped on a hose or something. Oh, really? Yeah. I want to fuck some hose. Yeah, it was like a clunk, clunk, clunk in the middle of my set, and I was like, what the shit was that? Oh, hose. It was bad. Oh, yeah, and then they edited it. Did you do Corden? I did once. Yeah, it was the hottest crowd of all of them. Oh, not for me. Wow. I ate a bag of turds. No way. I watched it. Oh, I don't know. It was tough. Okay. It was tough sledding. Interesting. Well, give it a go, folks. Go watch it at home. Go watch it at home. Now, this is what I was thinking about. This is why I got distracted. Is the Tonight Show set the same as, not the set, the studio? Is that where Conan was? It feels like the same studio. No, no. Wait. Same spot. Conan is in L.A. or what? No, no, the late night with Conan. The New York 1230 show, the original Conan. Ah, yes. I think it's the same room. No, I think you're right. I think you're right. I believe, yeah. It is, yeah. So what happened to Letterman? Letterman. Oh, that's Colbert. He was at CBS. He became Colbert. That's right. And Colbert, I thought, got fired, and it was a big deal. It was a big deal, and he's been there, it's been three years. Same with Kimmel. I thought Kimmel was getting the boot. Well, that came back like two days later. Yeah. That was like a suspension. That was always a suspension. I see. That was the thing. It got all twisted up into knots. Ah, and helped the ratings eventually. But Colbert, they were like, he's fired, Trump, Putin, what's going on? But he's still on the fucking air. That's true. I think they spin, they buzz it up a little bit, so it seems more interesting. You got a buzz. By the way, how about the Oscars going to YouTube? That is a show. We're in a shift, Jerry. Yeah. Shift the gears, because things are changing, TV is gone, movies are over, it's all flipping and flopping, it's all TikTok and Grindr and Snapchat. The Academy Awards on YouTube. I mean, that's nuts. That is kooky. That is a sad, sad day. Yeah. I mean, who's the host? Mr. Beast? What are we doing? That's crazy. He could. He would get numbers. That's true. By the way, he's doing his next show in Saudi Arabia. Suck it, homos. Yeah, I mean, I guess they're just going to hate him, too, though. I don't think they will. You don't think so? I think he'll do just fine. I think he'll get a couple of queefs, and then he'll escape. By the way, did you see this? Speaking of controversies, did you see what Trump did in the Monument Hall thing, whatever? Monument Hall. So they got, you know, they have the, did you see this? They have all the photos of all the presidents. Oh, okay. First of all, he did the auto signature. Oh, okay. The auto signature for Biden, which is hilarious. But now, just today, or whatever, three weeks ago, whatever the fuck this comes out, he wrote basically, like, tweets that are on plaques. Oh. And it literally says, Sleepy Joe Biden was the worst president in history. Some say he's a homo. Wow. He's got a little dick. It's like Obama, the most divisive president of all time. He was born in Africa. Whoa. And they're like, plaques, gold plaques in the hallway. Holy hell, a tooth plaque. Now, wait. Can we take him down when he leaves? I think you can take him down. Yeah, it's a plaque. You can just remove it with one of those metal things that the dentist uses. Sure, sure. Wow, that's crazy. It's like, he's got tweets plaqued up. Is this an MFT? What is it? FTM? Ashton Mouth? REM. Sleep? Radical eye movement, rapid eye movement, whatever. Wow, tweets. Rape enough men. Hey, rape enough men. That's a good REM. Rape enough men. By the way, you watching the P. Diddy Docs? I'm all over the place. I'm all jacked up on capitalism. Yeah. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I got one ep left. I'm one ep in. Okay. I'm saving the freak off for my jerk. All right. Don't tell me about it because I'm one ep in, but I'm sorry. I'm against all R.A.P.E., obviously. Sure. I want you defended. But if you're going to R.A.P.E. somebody, you don't film it and play it at a party for your buddies. Did he do that? Yeah, that's in the first episode. How'd I miss that? I don't know. Maybe I was too busy. Either way, that's insane. Wait, I thought there was a stampede. The stampede's in the same episode. Okay. I saw the P. The big stampede. Pedophile. And then he impedes on this woman's rights. He fucks her, films it, and then he plays it at the parties. Oh, yes. Yes. And then the mother writes a letter to his mother. The mother writes a letter. Yeah. She cried. Imagine writing so young that your mother's writing a letter to your mother. Wow. That's a young. Who writes and films it and puts it on a TV? What's the deal with film? I mean, this is crazy. This episode's getting quickly cut. Yeah. Well, I spelled it at first. Then you said it, so I started saying it. Shit. But it's on Netflix. Maybe we'll say rapping. Well, the Oscars are going to be on YouTube, so. That's true. They love to raise children. Oscar, big pedophile thing. What are you talking about? Well, hold on. I fucked that up. I said the punchline. It's a big, it's like Halloween. Uh-huh. Everybody gets dressed up. Uh-huh. Uh, I used to watch it. Now I don't. Uh-huh. Or I used to partake. Now I don't. And it's a big night for pedophiles. Ah. Ah, right. It's an old bit. It's not bad. I couldn't get it out. And I said the punchline first. Yeah, that happens. Woo. Is it hot in here? Is my holly kicking in? Well, I'm all jacked up on caffeine. I got another coffee. I'm all cranked, Jerry. I'm all jacked up. Ooh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Hey, yeah. Yeah. It's been a wild week. It's only Thursday. It feels like, uh, Sunday to me. It's just been so long. Went to L.A., came back, uh, podcasting, shows, anal, baby. It's a lot. Well, anal, baby, anything midweek fucks you all up. Yes. Plus, the week before Christmas is funky because we're all about to leave. You gotta jam it in. And then you kind of have senioritis. Yes. You're kind of like, we're done. Our industry shuts down for six weeks because we're a bunch of homos. That's why YouTube's winning. So. It's awesome. It's all funky. And then you have a weekend where, like, I'm off this weekend. Next weekend's Christmas, and I'm off. But then I'm going to Cleveland, even though I'm off. Becca. It's a big mess. I'm not seeing Becca. Don't worry about it. All right. We'll see what happens. He's going to be moving to a new home with, uh, with. So you should show up, lady. By the way, I was like, well, we have movers. You don't need to be here. Ah. I was like, all right. But I'm getting the diamond status. It's all about the diamond status. I mean, the rumor mill is just going to go haywire with this. Oh, yeah. You bringing Karen? But wait, wasn't I supposed to not mention. Is that fine now? Remember, I had to cut that out because it was a job. Oh. I will bleep his name. Bleep the name. Yeah. That'll be fine. Yeah. By the way, yeah, it doesn't matter. Who's keeping tabs on his job? Ah, his job? Oh, yeah, big job. Big job guy, Steve Jobs. It is his job. It is his job. That's the same episode, by the way. Flight to Cleveland. Oh, yeah. How about that? That's right, you son of a bitch. Every time I mention Cleveland, Matt Wayne and I mention Cleveland, we both go, flight to Cleveland, and we die laughing. It's very fun. That's what you'd want is an autistically Seinfeldian buddy to deep dive with. There's nothing worse. The only thing worse than a guy who doesn't know anything about Seinfeld is a guy who knows a little. Right. So he'll be like, master your domain, and you're like, all right, all right, get out of here. Well, here's the worst, the worst, worst, worst, and there's many like this. Ronon is one of them. The people that only reference seasons eight and nine. Ooh. That makes me fucking nuts. They're like, Festivus. Right. I hate Festivus. Yeah. Doesn't make any sense. Coco the monkey. No mention of Festivus for the seven years previously. Right. Get out of here with Festivus. Feats of strength, yeah. That's a poll. I know. No tinsel. It's a polling. There you go. We're having a nice time. All right, I'm all jacked up. Settle me down. Dot me. Settle you down, Fanny. So yeah, that Pete Diddy doc is good. TV's having a moment. I think we used to watch movies. We used to watch TV. And now we watch crazy documentaries. It's the only way to get the country together. The only thing we're all watching is Pete Diddy. Well, that's fine, though, because Carl Reiner made this point, RIP, made this point on Bill Maher's podcast. He was talking about All in the Family at the time. Like, there was 200 million people in the country, 55 million people watched it, and they watched it at the same time. Exactly. But now, you go to a party, and people go, no, no, no, I've only watched episode one. Yes. So we can't even talk about Pete Diddy. Right. So there's no competition. There's no connection whatsoever. I know. We used to get together and watch The Grinch or some shit. Now we've got to watch ARP or whatever. Beep, beep. ARP. Who's ARP? Misspelling. I've got dyslexia. R-A-P-E. Oh, R-A-P-E. So you've got to watch that. That's the only way to get the country to give a shit. I know. That and politics. Trump did this. He's tweeting. Biden, sleepy. That's the only way to get the whole group together. But even that, it's so. Splintered. Mixed up and wacky. I know. I know. So. But, you know. I noticed. I'll watch a movie. I watched Castaway with the wife, and we had a great time. And I'm like, this movie's 25 years old or whatever it is. I think 25, yeah. Yeah, and you're like, I can't. We couldn't sit and watch a new movie now. It's not the same. I don't know. It was a great film. It brought you together. It had some emotion, some humor, some anal. Now it's just like, Pete Diddy's all scandal. I feel like scandal's the only way to get people worked up anymore. It's so hard to watch a movie, too, because I started watching it last night. Sarah was working. I was off. And so I popped on the new Linklater. There's two new Linklaters. One I saw at the theater is Blue Moon. There's the other one, Nouvelle Rouve. What do you think? I love it. Oh, great, great. But I can't watch a film anymore. I'm 45 minutes in. I'm like, this is amazing. Who. What's this guy's name again? Yes. Where did he start? I know this one from something. Let me pause. Let me look her up. Oh, I saw her in that. Let me see if she's naked or anything. Let me jerk off real quick. Exactly. Let me hide the dildo. Let me clean it. Let me put it back under the pillow. And so I didn't even finish the movie. Next thing you know, I'm like, oh, my God, it's 10 p.m. The wave gets up at 5. I got to fucking suck my own dick. You got to go to bed. Yeah. It's a rabbit hole, a wormhole, a butthole. You know, you go, oh, what's he in? Oh, she's pretty hot. What's she in? Oh, she looks like her. Now you're on an Instagram discover page looking at Norm MacDonald clips. Exactly. And how about this, by the way? Speaking of sucking my own dick, I wrote a sketch that we're going to shoot at some point. Katie left town for a while. We're going to wait until she comes back. But in it, there's like a black. There's a black dildo, a funny dildo thing. Sure. So I went out and I had to buy a dildo. Yeah, that's fun. Which is fun. And then I feel the need. I go through with the beads. It's like, clang, and you go through the beads. Yeah. Hi. It's always a hot woman with tattoos. She's like kind of hot. Always. She has like tattoos and fishnet arm for some reason. Yeah. What's the fishnet arm? One arm. It's weird. Armed and dangerous. Arm and hammer. So I go in there. I got the hammer. So I go in there and I'm thinking, all right, I got to buy a dildo. I'm going to buy a dildo for the sketch. But dildos are expensive. I don't know the last time you bought a dildo. No, it's been a minute. So they're like $45. What? It's just plastic. And they're. I think they're rubber. I hope. You can't have plastic. You wouldn't last five minutes in there. Okay. So I go. I'm like, I don't want to buy. Because you want it to be funny. Sure. The funniest dildo is like a double-sided, six-foot-long dildo. And I pitched it. I pitched it to Katie Hannigan. She's like, it's got to be a double-sided crazy. Yeah. But that's like $180. What? So fuck yourself. Yeah. That's crazy. They fuck you. They fuck you so you can fuck yourself. But I'm also like, well, I don't want to never use this. I don't want to spend $200 on just a sketch. So let me get a dildo that's reasonably sized. So if we want, you tuck it under the bed and you can bust it out every once in a while. Oh, smart thinking. And? And you can't return a dildo. No. Could you imagine going in there? They're going to sniff it, lick it. They go, what are you, crazy? This thing's used. Well, I have to say, though, it is a plastic package that's easy to open. It's like, it's not vacuum sealed. You open it and close it. There's a guy watching us. How do you do? Cheers. Oh, God. We're talking dildos, sir. Come on in. So it does close back up. But like you say, you have to wash it pretty well. Yeah. Because that pussy, it smells on the outside. The inside. That's true. Forget about it. Yeah. You're inside a human being. It's a cavern of eggs and blood and shit. It's like Luke Skywalker, where he slices open the donkey and gets in there. Oh, the Tatooine. Mm-hmm. I think that's Hoth. Hoth. Wait a minute. I don't see where Hothman. Hoth is the cold planet. Because then there's the family guy joke. He goes, why don't they call it cold? And he goes, I'll be here all week or something. What is the, there's a name for that animal. Rupert? I can't remember. Something he hides in. The lightsaber is what saves him. He slices it. Yeah. He had the weird guts. Oh, I would never get it. That would be an impressive pull. I don't know if I got anything. Lex, if you can swing that later. Empire Strikes Back, animal name. Opened up. Tatooine. What did I say? That's what I said. Tatooine. No, that's a planet. But Hoth is where that happens. Because Hoth is the ice planet. I see. Skywalker hides inside a dead Tatooine, a furry lizard. Oh, Tatooine. All right, I said Tatooine. But Tatooine is a planet, I think. What, they use the same name twice? Am I crazy? That's crazy. But maybe. Maybe Tatooine is a planet. Tatooine's a planet. Or a black woman I met. So what is it? There's an animal called Earth? There's a planet called Earth? You know what I mean? Earth went on fire. I thought Tatooine was one of the planets. I haven't watched Star Wars since 1985. No, Tatooines are large, reptile man-mean creatures native to icy planet of Hoth. But doesn't it feel like he ran out of ideas? The Tatooine is the crazy animal and Tatooine is the planet? Yeah, is that the planet name? Look up planet Tatooine. No N. Good planet. Sorry. Okay, there you go. What the hell is that? Wow. Lucas sucks. Come on. One's Tatooine and one's Tantuan. That's crazy. Jesus. Get out of here. Lucas, get some creativity, will you? Yeah, we're going to Mars and I'm going to ride a Mars. Marzipan. Yeah. Yeah. That's crazy. So I go and buy the dildo. Pluto is a dog and a planet. Pluto is a dog and a planet, by the way. That's true. Uh-huh. So I bring home the dildo and I show it to Sarah. She's like, eh. I'm like, well, this way we could use it if we want. She's like, it's not funny. You need a big dildo. Oh, she's going not funny. I thought you meant, eh, like that's not going in me. No, no. I think she'll put anything in her butt. She's like, you got to get a funnier dildo. And I'm like, yeah, I was worried about that. And you know, you know something. Yeah. And you hope no one else will say anything. A hundred percent. So then, next day. I got to go back to the dildo store. Oh, double dildo. And it's the same lady. And I go, hi. Oh, it's the Tatooine. So now it looks like I shoved that thing in my ass. Right. And was like, sorry, that didn't do the trick. Well, at least you got a bit out of this. Yeah. And so the thing, the one I ended up buying is called Big Billy. Oh, Billy Club. And this is a nine inch dildo. And still they have the double sided torpedo thing. Yeah. But Katie said, but I can't spend $175 on a dildo. I can't spend $175 on a double sided dildo. No. For a sketch. Maybe you're going to GoFundMe going. So now I got to. Go fuck me. So now I got to go see if this nine inch dildo, it's funnier, and maybe my wife might want a giant. I don't know if you want to test those waters, Fanny, because then she's a changed woman after that thing. Yeah. There's no coming back. She's going to run off with Seton Smith. Yeah. I mean, she'll run off with Billy. Billy the Club. Billy the Kid. Big Billy. And by the way, they have a 10 and a half inch. Like some women. Some women have massive cavernous cunts. There's a real size queen epidemic, because Greg Fitzsimmons, the former guest, he's always like, I fuck my wife, she loves it, but my ex-girlfriend dumped me because of the hog. Too small. Too big. That's what I'm saying. Some women are like, this is a hell of a nice hog, and then some women are like, this is too much. Oh, I see. So I think the vaginal canal varies. Right. From dong to dong. Well, now I got two black dongs under my. That's not bad. Do you put them on the mantle like guns? That's not bad. Aha. Well, one icky mantle. One of them. Hey, there's the title We are hot today Well, one of them, the first one Is literally the exact Size of my dick Like it's the same everything So I just have a black version of my dick You got a stunt double It's a stunt cock It's basically like if Netflix made your dick What the hell was that? I had some fuel Give me fuel, give me fire Cool, man, oh man Fuel tank Fuel tank But yeah, you got a stunt cock And if Netflix made a movie about your dick It'd be black Yeah, that's not bad That is a stinky ass Stinky ass, literally stinky ass Yikes So anyway, so now I got two dildos We'll shoot the sketch at some point Probably not even funny And I might have to go back for a third dildo Because I'm like, it still is funnier You know when Katie Hannigan's like, you need a double-sided dildo Yeah But I don't think they know how expensive these things are I had no idea I figured it was like a nickel if it was a buck No It's plastic or rubber It's a lot You know what's funny? There's the old adage The old wives' tale That when you go to Burger King They say, you want fries with that? They say, do you want lube with that? When you order Two days in a row, same lady They go, you want lube with that? And I go, no, I got plenty of lube I make my own at home You gotta get lube, though Lube has saved my ass Wait a minute, that sounds bad Huh? Lube has saved my dick many times We're all lube all the time And don't get me wrong Not all the time Occasionally I'll go down there and lick it up You know, and then that's fun Lick it up That's natural But lube is always good to have It's just easier Especially my wife is 78, so Sure, it's a Sahara Sahara, Tolabash Hey, that's good I think we are hot today Can I just say I gotta get more caffeinated Maybe it's no Chuck Maybe Chuck's holding us back Oh, that's dead weight Yeah That's also Rupert's name Plus, Lex is also further away Chuck's right up on our grill Yeah, yeah Bar and grill Mm-hmm Hey, folks Tuesday's Story is brought to you by PrizePix Oh, yeah The action on PrizePix is hotter than ever With playoff matches every weekend And elite hoop action almost every night Just follow your instincts and pick your lineup We love PrizePix It's easy to use It's fun as hell And, hey, make some money What? Hell not We love the app You gotta get the app PrizePix now has early payouts Cash out your winnings before the game even finishes PrizePix even lets you see friends' lineups Send them your picks Or copy and paste their picks into your lineup Download the PrizePix app today And use code TUESDAYS to get $50 in lineups After you play your first $5 lineup PrizePix, it's good to be right Hey, folks Tuesday's Story is brought to you by Quince A new year means a new wardrobe Quince is everything you need to stay warm and look great Mongolian cashmere sweaters Sharply tailored Italian wool coats Down jackets, denim, and leather outerwear built to last All at amazing prices I gotta tell you, this place is great I don't know what the hell I'm doing with clothes I got a suede bomber jacket Unbelievable It looks great It fits great It's slick It's cool It's sleek It's suede, baby You gotta love suede Quince is good They also sent me a Like a corduroy What do they call it? Like an over shirt Or a shacket It's incredible It just You level up with this stuff You just look a little better We're all trying to get laid out here Get some goddamn clothing And the winter, I feel like men shine So get yourself some winter clothes Get a good jacket Get a good scarf and a sweater And really, really lap it up Quince partners directly with ethical factories and top artisans No middlemen means you're getting top quality pieces Without paying luxury prices Refresh your winter wardrobe with Quince Go to quince.com slash Tuesdays For free shipping on your order And 365 day rentals Now available in Canada too That's Q-U-I-N-C-E dot com slash Tuesdays For free shipping And 365 day returns Wow Quince.com slash Tuesdays Hey folks, your story is brought to you by Rocket Money Forgetting subscriptions can burn a hole in your wallet Skip distress with Rocket Money Rocket Money is a personal finance app That helps find and cancel your unwanted subscriptions Monitors your spending And helps you save money And helps lower your bills So you can grow your savings Rocket Money helps you set goals And stay on budget By giving you personalized insights on your finances See all your subscriptions in one place And cancel with just a few clicks I love Rocket Money Because I'm not organized I'm not internet savvy AI is going to kill me I'm doomed But Rocket Money has saved me I was giving money to Blockbuster And Crystal Pepsi And I was giving money to Blockbuster And Zima I mean I was all over the place So these guys went in there And they really saved me So get yourself some Rocket Money Their dashboard makes it simple to manage Checking savings, loan, and investment accounts Giving you a clear view of your finances on one screen Let Rocket Money help you reach your financial goals faster Join at RocketMoney.com slash Tuesdays That's RocketMoney.com slash Tuesdays RocketMoney.com slash Tuesdays RocketMoney.com slash Tuesdays So I got to throw this one at you, Fatty Tell me So, you know, got the Adam Ray Dr. Phil's the last Dr. Phil Yes, thank Christ I know, I just went there to make sure that thing's over That's why I showed up Just to see if he's dead And so, you know, he gives you the call Adam Ray's an L.A. cool guy He's the best He's a great dude He's fun, he's awesome, he's nice He's like, hey man, you know, I knew you on the last one And you go, when is it? And he goes, it's the 16th And you go, it's a Tuesday Tuesday I got the baby, you got shows You know, you got to be in New York during the week Because we're gone on the weekends Right So the week is all you have And not to mention, it's cross cunt Yeah So you're like, god damn It's not like I'm popping into D.C. or Philly It's like, la la land So you're like, oh And he goes, I'll fly you out first I'll put you up That's wonderful That's great, but it's not even about that It's about just the getting back Right So I go, all right, I'm in It's the last one And you know what the thing is Once you do it And it comes out a month later You go, oh yeah You're not going to think about the flight And the anal And the hemorrhoid Everything All that stuff goes away I had this this morning We had the big brunch The whole day I'm like, I got to go to this brunch I got to leave the brunch I got to get here I'm going to hustle here I got to hustle back Because Sarah has something I got this private gig And then once you're out the door In the coat You go, wait, what do I have to do? I just have to eat? Right And then come here? Right Do a show? I'm already almost done With all the stuff But there's a little mental too Because you go, where is it? What street? That's the part that kills me It's not the actual movement It's the We got to find What door is it? And you got to figure it out And then you got to find The other person Yeah Texting, you know, way And this thing And that thing What time is that? And then I was like What time is Santa? Is it last? Is it this? Am I going to take the D train? I got to get here? Exactly, exactly And it's also This is where we have to be kind to ourselves It's evolutionary This is like from caveman time The reason you don't want to leave your house Your brain We're fucking cavemen Your brain is like Don't go out there A saber-toothed tiger is going to F*** me and film it And play it at a party Yeah And it's cold I might freeze and starve Yeah, that's why when you're home Your brain is like Stay here We're safe Exactly, exactly Especially this fucking city You know, a guy got stabbed at Macy's Like two weeks ago Well, you guys had another shooting Right out here Is that right? Yeah, last week Big shooting What movie? I don't know I think it was just Right out in the straight Right They said your name Oh, nice It was like outside of Norman's house Go ahead, boo, boo, boo All right, well, shit I'm glad I got a shout out But, yeah They had a stabbing So I'm sure Macy's needed this brunch To really Kick things back off again Wow, Macy's stabbing Yeah, give it a goog If you haven't seen it But this city's in turmoil Baby oil So Go to L.A. You get the first class It's pretty good It's pretty great That Delta One It's unbelievable It's something nice And you get your own entrance At the airport That's what I'm saying It's sweet And that lounge is bananas So Norman Parker That's his Oh, yeah, yeah I know Norman His point man Or whatever you call it His logistics Flights That guy And Jack Fink Fink's his manager Yeah, Fink's a good egg Love Fink So Norman goes Hey, man I know there's a lot for you I got you a black car At L.A.X. To the hotel Which that is the biggest I'm gonna If I ever hit it big If I hit the jackpot And ride the ponies Come in Black car That's what I'm going I'll come But I gotta get a car To the airport From the airport I think you're doing better Than Adam Ray But keep going Well You ever go to that L.A.X. Uber? You gotta take a bus To a shuttle To a prop plane To a boat To a raft It's fucking horrible It's horrible Yes And talk about evolutionary Talk about thinking When you get out of L.A.X. You're like What Wait, wait Do you ask a guy And he goes Fuck you N-word You're like God damn Alright, shit You got a vest on, and he's like, go over here, go over there, go up, go down, and you're like, I didn't get any of that, so then you got to ask another guy. It's a whole thing. Well, this is the thing with LAX, and I've had this too, and you know, Delta Diamond, I get upgraded, flying to Cleveland so I can get Diamond. You get upgraded, so you're flying Delta One, you get your own entrance, you're flying in a mattress the whole way, I'm in REM sleep, I got a black Big Billy in my ass, then within 30 seconds of landing, I'm on a shuttle bus like this with my suitcase under my shirt, and I'm like, I was just first class guy a second ago, and now I can't balance, I'm falling on a wheelchair, I have AIDS. I know, and I can already hear the cum guzzlers going, these fucking assholes talking about Delta One like a bunch of pieces of shit, then they got a bitch about a bus. It's the thinking of it. I got to get on a bus and go, huh, is this right? Is this the exit? You're asking people, and he's like, I'm from Nigeria, and you're like, come on, where's where am I going? Well, and it's the juxtaposition of going from, because, you know, back in the day, I was in a middle seat in row 57.5, LGBTQ, so I already was sitting like this, so I'm on the bus, but now I'm eating caviar out of my mother's asshole, and now I'm driving the bus. Yeah, you're Batman. So, yeah, so that is a bitch, so that car is a fucking lifesaver, thank you, Parker, fucking Mitch, let's lunch, and I got the car right to the hotel, and had this one. You ever just, you know, the baby, the shows, the pods, I get in that black car, and the guy goes, you good, how's the temperature? And I went, oh, wow. I just fell asleep in the car, and I woke up, and he's like, hey, we're here, and I was like, oh, oh, sorry. I was drooling all over myself, I had a boner, and you're like, oh, God, that's when you know you're burning the candle at both dicks. Well, that's the other thing about L.A. You land. You land in L.A., you feel like, well, if I land and I made it to L.A., then you gotta get in the shuttle bus, the Lyft thing, then it's six and a half days before you get to Hollywood. I know. I know. It takes forever. It's all back roads, it's all traffic. Traffic. There's bad traffic in L.A., you heard it here first, folks. Thank you, and homeless. But, anyways, I still love it, and everyone talks about, what's the one, Burbank, I've never flown to Burbank in my life. I did it once, the John Wayne, no, Bob Hope. Bob Hope. Bob Hope. John Wayne is the one in Orange. County, what's that? Irvine. Irvine. That's John Wayne. Oh, wow. I never did that one. No, me either. But, yeah, Bob Hope is, I don't know, a comedian, an airport named after a comedian. That's pretty good. Imagine, like, a Cat Williams air, you know? Yeah, maybe a bus station for him. Cosby's air, you'll get a nap. So, yeah, so I get the, you get to the hotel, you shower up, you're like, all right, I made it, I'm here, let's have a great show. Now, here's where I got fucked. So, you got the whole flight to think about. I watched everything, I watched a movie, I watched some horse shit, and then, now I have three hours to kill. So, I go, let me hit the gym, I got the baby at home, you never get that alone time. Right. So, I put a pod in, I hit the gym, and I just start walking around L.A., taking it all in, got stabbed, did heroin, you know, transitioned, and then you kind of start thinking, like, oh, I hope the show's good. Oh, I hope I do all right. And you, the more time I have, the more in my head I get. Right, of course. And it's evil. It's just, you got a bomb, you flew out here to bomb, this is the last time you're going to bomb, and you go, what are you doing, man? But that's what my head does. Well, Adam Ray's a tough show. Dr. Phil's a tough show, and we've talked about this, with these live pods, you have no ammo ready. Yes! Well, I have a stand-up show, I've done the joke 7,000 times, I've been on the road doing them twice a night, and I'm like, these hit, and if they don't hit, something's gone wrong, something weird's happening. Right, right. But a live pod, sometimes Dr. Phil goes, hey, you ever have a weird dream? And you go, no. I know. You got 2,000 people staring at you. They're like, brr, brr, brr, and you're like, fuck me hard. I know. I like when he does a game, or a visual, or a crowd, something I can use. Right. But if he just goes, how's the baby? You're like, I fucked him, he's retarded, he's black, you know, you gotta think of something, but you got nothing. So, you know, you don't want to go, he's in the car, we've all done that one. Yeah, yeah. So, you go, ah, I got nothing, and they're staring at you, and they go, this guy's not funny, and you go, ah, I'm a writer. Right. But whatever. So, now I get it. I get to the show, and I go, shut up, you dumb douche. I get to the show, you go in the green room, there's food, I'm chatting with everybody. In walks, take a wild guess, celebrity walks in the green room. Wayne Knight. No, I wish. Celebrity in the green room. Comedian? No. I'm talking celebrity. This ain't fucking, oh, Dane Cook's here, oh, Seinfeld's here. This is like, movie star Hollywood. Now, my head is saying Tom Hanks, but that's not true. That's not right. This is a trick to get multiple guesses. Yeah. I'm thinking Tom Hanks, but that's not right. That's true, it's not. Maybe, not Dustin Hoffman, he's too old. Is that the guy, the guy that gets nine guesses? Yeah. Dustin Hoffman, not Meryl Streep, certainly. Michael J. Fox. Ah, wow. All right, you're really shaking things up, but no. Sidney Sweeney. Oh. Arguably the hit girl. Oh, that's the tit lady. The hottest, yeah, titler, I call her. The hottest girl, and I mean, like, hottest as in talked about looks, tits, canceled, not canceled, buzz about her, just the it girl. She's there. She is in the green room, and I'm like, I was already in my head before. Then you see her, and it hits, you feel like this big, tiny dick, and you go, high school, I couldn't get laid, I'm ugly, she's hot, she's cool, I'm not. She's popular, I'm gay, you know, you just start doing that whole thing, and you just go, I'm all in here. Now, what's she doing? What's her deal? Why is she there? Does she know Adam? Because he's a hot man. Yeah, he's a married guy. His wife is very cute, but. What? I didn't even know he was married. Oh, yeah, oh, yeah. So, he wears the Phil mask and fucks her. So, he's there. I think he knows Pooper Braun, or whatever the boyfriend's name is, Scottie Pippen, something like that. I know, he's so little now. Yeah. Yeah, he's like a hot record producer guy, Gordy Berry, Moopy Doopy, I can't remember his name. Moopy Doopy. But, he's there with her, and he's apparently a fan of the Phil. And how does she look? What is it? Scooter Braun. Oh, I think I've heard that name before. Who's a wacky name? Scooter, Scooter. Scooter, Scooter. So, she's there, and you're just like, and you're like, what am I doing in the room with her? You just, you just. Oh, she. She's just a lady. I know, but I got the self-esteem. I don't see a celebrity and go, holy shit, I gotta get a photo. I go, oh, that's, that's a real star. Wow. Well, she's got massive cans, right? Huge cans. And she's been eating out, I know that, in a TV show. Yes, yes, euphoria. Euphoria. Which I gotta dabble in, because every time someone mentions it, it's like, it's kids 69 days. It's a life hack to watch kids fuck. Wow. Yeah. Euphoria. That's, I'll do that today. Yeah. Euphoria. Euphoria. So, now in my head, so then, it's the hottest crowd, Adam goes out, rips it, Harlow Williams opens, I don't, shit, I shouldn't be saying who's on it, but everybody rips it up, and I went out there, and you know when you're like, out of body, I walk out, and you can, I'm doing this, like, hey, everybody, and I'm watching me from here do that. Right, right, of course. I'm not doing that. A guy is doing that, a body is doing that, and I'm going, there's me. Right. I'm having that moment, and it's Wiltern Theater, it's like thousands of people, they're all going apeshit. They're all going apeshit, and what I do when I'm not feeling, when I got the mental block, I just go wildly offensive. Yeah, that's fine. I don't, you don't want to be the edgelord queef, you got nothing clever, so you just go like, I was like, Rob Reiner, you know, and then he's like, Jesus Christ, and the crowd's like, ah, and then in my head, I'm like, what are you doing, stop it, then I'm like, Bondi Beach, I got like, I got offensive Tourette's. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. And it was bad, and he's like, yeah, Bondi, what about it? I'm like, it was good, you know, I got nothing. So, yeah, there was all these agents there, and they saw me after, and then, so then. That's the problem with the L.A. show, is everybody was there. Everybody was there, Sidney Sweeney, so. So, did you talk to Sidney? No, I didn't go near her, the restraining order, but, so then, now I hit the booze hard. This is my classic pattern, I hit the sauce, because you got to wipe the shame off. Sauce it up. Sauce! So, I hit the sauce, and then Adam goes, there's a big after party, what time's your flight? And I go, my flight's at 7.10, which means you got to be there at 6.10, which means you got to leave the hotel at 5.20, because it's L.A. Yeah, yeah, sure. Well, that hour, at least, is a little, not too bad. Oh, that's true. Like, five in the morning, L.A. is not too bad, especially when you're going from Hollywood to the airport, that's a little bit easier. Yeah. But not great. Weather and traffic in the morning. So, then. I go, okay, you're an asshole, you bombed the last show, you flew out here to bomb, you made a fool of yourself in front of tits, you're done in this business, every agent's there, just go to bed, wake up, you're going to get, you're going to wake up, go on the flight, and go straight to the botanical garden, winter wonderland with your son. So, I go, okay. I do shots, I get home at 4.30. Oh, no, I fucked up. I do shots till 4.30. I have to wake up at 5.30. Do you see Sidney there? no oh god i pictured her and i talked to her in my head i did a pep talk in the bathroom and i get to the hotel at 4 45 i'm like the room is spinning i'm puking up jizz uh my ass all hurts i conk out i fall asleep on the couch in the hotel room not even the bed it's a nice hotel though couch yeah pretty nice uh full clothing shoes on retainer in billy in my ass and who put the bomb on i get up i put water on my face and i just get an uber and i go right to the airport people are like hey comedy i'm like ah you know i'm like dan akroyd in trading places in the santa suit i'm like ah i get on the flight fly in i sleep from take off to take down and i get out of the fucking taking down i go right to the 93 i wake up i go i get the whole uber and by the way jfk there's only one place that can uber you yeah you have to get a shuttle we don't get that and again and i get to the winter village hour and a half of traffic make it to the winter village and out now she's like where are you where are you and i'm like i'm just sitting in traffic i'm hung over i hate myself and i'm running through the winter village and it's just like you have a suitcase yeah and i'm just all these silent night there's carolers i'm pushing them out of the way i'm kicking mrs claus i'm uppercutted an elf and i found him under a big lily pad of lights and i'm like here we are dad's here and the kid goes it's just uh it was like out of a movie oh jesus good time so i had to get that out oh boy so don't start drinking yeah i won't well what can you do i mean well first of all the mind thing you got to get out of your head because i know this episode's gonna come out and every single comment's gonna be like norman killed he's the greatest this is the best i mean i'm i promise son killed they're gonna say oh my god that was the best it's gonna be a whole reddit thread mark said he bombed but he killed youtube's gonna say he's the man i wish i'm telling you but what's the trick jerry how do you get out of your head because you got a fucked up nog and look at that five head i'm in the head um i don't know i mean i don't put that much you go okay well hopefully it goes well yeah and then uh i'm like i'm walking around worried that ai is gonna take us over we're all gonna be dead and have no job i think that's kind of healthier because at least you think about something else i guess you're not attacking your own brain i mean i do that too i suppose i don't know you just go oh yeah that's just my anxiety what are you gonna do yeah well somebody told me if you say how you're feeling out loud you feel better name it to tame it well i tried that it did not there was no taming i was walking around backstage going i'm nervous i'm scared i hope this goes great i don't think it will then some guy goes you all right i was like oh shit sorry i was in there with the fucking janitor well but this is the thing you just said this is part of my process when's the last time you did a show where you bombed all the way through and it had a horrible negative effect on your career probably the jelly roll roast what negative effect did that have on your career it's not even a blip the other comics go yeah that's nothing all right i mean you're killing it you're still selling tickets you're still writing material you're hanging out with jerry you got jerry on the pod well so all these things i'm not looking you know you don't have to lift me up i appreciate it but i'm not trying to lift you up i'm telling you keep these things in mind i'm saying it's an irrational fear sure it is irrational because all irrational you're never but you never had this thing that you're worried about oh my god i'm gonna bomb so hard i'll have no career left and i'll kick me out of society it's not even close to happening i guess so but it's a personal thing well i mean it's but i'm saying this is how you counteract that sure what are you gonna do and you say this is part of my process sarah says this all the time she's like i haven't written a new joke in six months i feel like i haven't come up with anything funny and i'm like you have been saying that once a week since we started dating 15 years ago and you've put out three specials there you go so that's part of your process i guess so yeah i talked about this with gullman in torgasm gary gullman's like i just feel like i'm never gonna write another funny bit again yes same and he has been arguably the best comedian in the world great writer since that time yeah in my opinion by the way i saw him the other day i didn't get a great greeting let's see a great great a bad greeting i'll really mess your head that's what's in my head i'm like well it's over from bozo nobody likes me i got that too by the way don't you worry but no i have it all i mean i have it all the time we're making this skank fest doc and i'm like who am i kidding i can't do i'm watching the footage i'm like i can't figure this out it's too much footage my father's gay is that imposter is that what that is imposter sin uh is that something else i think there's something like that because it sounds like hey i'm not good enough who am i to make a doc who am i to write a new joke it sounds like a little but here's the other thing that alan would say and does say he's like you're saying this like oh i hate myself i have no confidence i'm in my head but obviously you have a tremendous amount of confidence or else you wouldn't have done any of this stuff you say yes to the gig i said yes so obviously there's an amount of belief in yourself and confidence that you're like i'll do it yeah i'll go do it i have enough confidence to do it right but not to get out of my head right but i'm just saying so you can look for that oh there's may hey i assume she need a baby also oh there's the baby oh there we go boy that took a while see i couldn't have gone i guess you could have left when i left that's true um i'm sure they went and did things oh he looks better it looks a little less sickly who's she saying bye sarah come i don't know what's going on here what the hell is she talking to she never comes she does that with big billy um but i'm saying you just remind yourself of this that like obviously i have some amount of confidence because you've done all the things sure sure i mean there's so there's confidence in there it's in there but i wish i knew how to get it out i wish i i knew how to get it out when i needed it right i even had an alan conversation in my head backstage i'm gonna go i'm gonna go i can't think of anything funny he's gonna go but you will and i go how do you know it goes because you're funny you're a pussy you would always say that you cannot not be funny right so well we'll see but i appreciate it but yeah it's uh it's a real problem with me i don't know what's what my deal is i'm gonna go the comments and i'm gonna look and it's gonna say hey well this was great he's great norman's the fastest he's the best he's the quickest that's what's gonna say like i'll bet money on it well you know it's funny i was in la and i saw all the stuff yeah so i went up to and i go hey you lost list uh oh jesus christ i'm joking but i had that i have that too with all these uh managers and stuff like my agents like we'll let them down gently i'm like let them down what are you talking about they're dodging a bullet i don't have to deal with my stupid ass douche store is brought to you by huel oh yeah looking for an easy way to get all that nutrition you need try huel with 35 grams of protein six grams of fiber and 27 vitamins and nutrients huel's black edition ready to drink shakes give you all the fuel you need in one bottle no added sugar and no artificial sweeteners or flavors ready to go for less than five dollar per meal i gotta tell you i love this stuff i'll drink a big old chocolate one they're huge and uh it's got a bunch of calories and protein and nutrients and vitamins and i drink it on the go i live in new york i throw that thing in my my bag and i go on the subway with it boom i'm having a meal on the go and it's better than any breakfast you're gonna get at a diner with pancakes and bacon and all that crap uh plus today they got like a veggie drink that's fizzy and damn good i love it i need the nutrients i eat crap i drink too much so i gotta refuel and rehuel so i highly recommend this stuff tastes good too if you already love huel shakes supercharge your day with the new daily greens that's the one that's the one ready to drink each can has 42 vitamins minerals and superfoods four grams of fiber and contains only 25 calories and one gram of sugar wow huel daily greens come in blueberry apple or peach it's a perfect pick me up later in the day i like the apple get huel today with our exclusive offer of 15 off online with code tuesdays 15 at huel.com slash tuesdays sorry huel.com slash tuesdays 15 one word tuesdays 15 new customers only thank you to huel for partnering and supporting the show so we all hate each other we all hate ourselves we all hate everybody you got that right fanny it's uh it's it's hard out there for a player and a pimp but um a jew oh boy wow they're having a tough tough go yeah they certainly are i have i came up with a conspiracy theory yeah i've never been a conspiracy theorist but i'm gonna get in i'm gonna get involved oh it's about time here we go here's the conspiracy theory all of the conspiracy theories that jews are responsible for everything bad in the world is having a negative effect on jews whoa all the biggest podcast hosts being like the jews killed charlie kirk that's having that's causing a problem for the jews yeah that's what i'm that's my that's my conspiracy theory this is wild i i would also argue that you know we talk minorities they have a target on their back or this country is systemically i would say the jews have a target on their back forehead and nose yeah well i mean they get shot every time seconds. They're in Bondi. They're getting shot through the windows of their homes. Brown University was apparently a Brown. And why don't we do the Jew hashtags? Yeah, well, people, I mean, every comment on everything, and I on here one time was like, well, anti-Semitism is getting crazy, like, you motherfucking piece of shit. I'm like, all right. Well, you know, by saying, everything is the opposite. Everything they're telling you is probably the opposite. This group's being held down. You're like, well, I'm looking at the numbers. They're actually being propped up. Or this group's in trouble. Actually, they're doing great. You know, whatever it is. Right. And everything's the opposite. And I say the same with the Jews. The Jews run everything. They have it made. They're great. And you're like, they're miserable. They're scared. Right. Well, I'm straight. Huh? I said I'm straight. The opposite. That's a joke. Gay is the joke. I see. I forgot to tell you about this last week, by the way. All right. Aruba. I had the worst heckler of hand. Oh! I would say 20 years. Oh, wow. I'm excited, because heckles, the worst kind of heckle is an innocuous heckle. If somebody goes, hey, small mouth, weird dick, forehead. You go, I gotta come back for that. Right. But if they go, yeesh, or oof, or next. Yeah. Well, I had something similar to that. Okay. Well, who was. You listen to podcasts, Lex. Who just had the one Bobby was telling the story. Somebody was on stage. The guy went flop. Flop. Oh! Who was that? Did you listen to that? It was on the regs. See, that's what I'm talking about. He was talking about it on the regs. I think maybe it was Danny Braff. It might have been Danny Braff. The guy went flop. That was me. Flop is hilarious. It's not even like a comedy term. It's like a movie term, but to just say that to somebody. But you get it. It's flop sweat. It's belly flop. Flop is never good. Flip flop. Never good. Right. Flop is bad. But anyways, so. We're in Aruba and Sarah's on the show. We talked about this last week. So she's going first. Then Christine Hurley, who's hilarious. So in the time Christine's on stage, Sarah comes back to the hotel. I leave the hotel because we got the Bambino. He's asleep. So I'm missing the beginning of the show. So Sarah would come to the hotel and I go, how is it? She's like, it sucked. I bombed. I hate it here. I hate my life. I hate my husband. Yeah. And she goes, there's a woman to the left just chirping everything. Every single thing. She's like, I had to tell her to. to shut up because the whole time. She goes, oh, yeah. Oh, that's like us. Oh, we do that. That kind of heckle. I know the chirper. So I go, okay. So now I'm going down knowing the crowd sucks. My wife hates me and there's somebody chirping on the left. Oh, that's a tough combo. So I'm bullshitting with Ray, Aruba Ray. I go on stage and the lady's kind of hot. She's got sleeve tattoos. It looks like a little bit white trash, basically. Her husband is wearing those shoes, like black slip-on no socks at a night club. Like he's out. Well, it's a beach town. It's Aruba, but it's a comedy club and he has black slip-ons with funky nails. Funky nails? Toenails. Wacky, dumb and dumber toenails. And he's like this. That's what he looks like. Just deadpan fucking stupid hair, goatee. He looks like that Lou Ferrigno, you know? Oh, got it. Not Lou Ferrigno. The Hulk? No, no, no. Who's Lou the wrestler? Elastic, the manager with Cyndi Lauper. Oh, Vince McMahon. Lou Brown. Lou Lou Gossett Jr. Louis Armstrong. Louis Gomez. Louis C.K. Parker Lewis can't lose. You know what I'm talking about? Lou. Lou Lou Levin. He wore the Hawaiian shirt. He was in the Cyndi Lauper video. All up in the video. P. Diddy. Lou. Sweet Lou. Come on, Lex. Win or lose. WWF 1985 Lou Cyndi Lauper. Lucifer. Don't make me Google this. Come on, Lexi. You can't. Lex a pro. I'm gonna get it. Lex is not a pro today. Wrestling manager Lou. Cyndi Lauper. Yeah, that's it. Lou Albano. Here it is. Is that my landlord? This guy right here. Looked like this guy. Oh, wow. I know that guy. He looked like this guy right here. Old age Lou Albano. Can we get a shot of this? Can you see that? I can send it to you, too. Lou Vega. Looked like that fella. Lou Albano in 2009. How did he pull a hot milf wife? Well, he looked something like that. Okay, okay. And she was hot-ish. She had dark hair and light eyes, which I like. Sure. But anyway, so I go on stage and it's old people, whatever. And this fan. First time ever, there's two fans. Wow. They go, hey, we love now you're the last member of the regs we've seen. So they probably all saw Louis and Bobby and Soder at fucking some theater or club more likely. But I go, this is where you're seeing me. Yeah. You're completing the bucket list at Aruba Rays comedy hut. Right, right. So I do my, hey, my father and I were talking. Oh, I got a dad. I'm sure you do. Oh, wow. What a pull. She's got a dad. Oh, that was the other thing. She had her hand on the guy's dick, so I didn't realize she was the chirpy. So I went, oh my god, this lady's giving her husband a hand job. So I've engaged now. I didn't realize. And then it's that kind of thing. Well, yeah. Anyone here have anxiety? Oh, yeah. My father has anxiety. Okay. Well, that's great. Yeah. I went to the doctor. Oh, he went to the doctor. This guy goes to the doctor. Okay. We all go to the doctor. It's that for eight minutes. Finally, I go. She's a ruda. Huh? Oh, Aruba. Thank you. A rude awakening. There you go. Ravishing Rick Rude. Rude boy. She goes, yeah, that. And finally, after 10 minutes, I'm only doing 15 minutes, by the way. Okay. After 10 minutes of this, I go, hey, I'm sorry. You're distracted. You gotta knock it off. And this is getting to be a lot. I've heard about you. And she goes, no, no, I'm helping. Come on. I'm helping. Oh, wow. And I go, you're not. And by the way, there was a bunch of shit. I should put this on the Patreon. I should get the set from Aruba Ray and put it on the Patreon. Are you kidding me? We gotta see this. It was very, very bad. So I go, okay, why don't you quiet down? She goes, all right. All right. I'll quiet down. Starting now. It's like that bit. I go, okay, great. So anyways, I have a wife. Yeah, yeah. You mentioned that. Ooh. What happened to quiet down? Starting now. I go, lady, you gotta stop. This is out of control. Jesus fucks. Now, I did this analogy. It's like when you're counting money and someone's like 14, 36, 78. She's like doing that thing. So I say that, and she's like, oh, yeah. Is that the best you could do? Yeah, your wife. That kind of shit. It's getting worse and worse. And Don Gavin is headlining, who's 70 seven years old. Yeah. Started in 1978. He's a legend. I go, hey, you got, okay, you're doing this thing. Whatever. It's fine. Don't do this during the next guy. He's a fucking legend. He's 77 years old. He's my favorite comic of all time. You gotta not do that. Okay, I won't. All right. I go, is that a deal or what? Okay, that's a deal. Great. Then she chuckles again. And she goes, I'm helping you. You need help. I'm helping you. And she goes, come on, everybody. Clack. Clap if I'm helping. Please tell me no one clapped. Nobody clapped. And then a guy goes, oh, we had talked about guns earlier, and this guy goes, shoot her. Somebody shoot her. He literally did the Jurassic Park line. Shoot her. He literally is doing. They can open doors. Jurassic Park. He's screaming, shoot. I go, they literally, now I'm fluting my mind. I'm like, a guy literally is saying he wants you shot. Shoot her, they're saying. Yes, yes. And she goes, no, I'm helping. Come on. And I go, fuck, it's fucking bananas. Sandy hooked this coon. I don't even think these people are on your side. I know. Are you fucking crazy? I'm like, these people hate you. They literally hate you. Wow. So now I see Aruba Ray. He's like lighting, he's like scrambling. Then he tells Christine Hurley's husband, fireman, Jimmy Hurley, he goes, talks to him, he goes, will you go say something? He's like, me? He's watching the show. He's like in the crowd. And he's like, I guess. So now a fireman from Boston, a Boston firefighter has to come up and be like, hey, fucking, you can't shut up or I'm going to beat the snot out of you. Did he hit her with the hose? No, she's a hoe. So I go, what the fuck? She goes, just get off the stage. Just get off the stage. Wow. Who is this broad? Where's the hubby? I wanted to kick her head off. And the husband is just staring at me now. And I go, dude, you're looking mad at me, but this is crazy. I'm like, do you not think this is crazy? And now it's weird because he looks like a psycho. Yeah. And he's not. Lou Albana. He's not. He shuts down. Then Jimmy goes and yells at her. Jimmy the fireman. Jimmy likes his chicken spicy. Jimmy's getting upset. So he yells at her. I do one more joke. I dusted off a joke. I was like, suck it like a man, which is from 2008. Dustin Hoffman. So I get off the stage and then I'm in the back of the room. I got to order food for Sarah. She's hungry. She wants a salad, whatever. So I order her a salad. I'm hungry. And they're like, it's going to be 15 minutes. So now I'm waiting and I'm looking. Now she's mad because she's been spoken to. So now she's doing this. She's upset. She's got her head in her hands and she's just scrolling her phone, literally crying. She's like this. Wow. And Lou Albana is next to her like this. Just furious, staring at Don Gavin. Don Gavin's killing. Oh, good. And you can just see her literally crying while her psycho, and they've talked about how much they love guns. They have guns. I'm going to be fucking shot at some point. Yeah, I'll shoot her. So he's like this. And now Christine Hurley comes up and she's like, hey, I'm not trying to be an alarmist or an asshole, but you got to get the fuck out of here. Whoa. Come on. She goes, no, no, seriously. Like, look at his face. She's crying. He He's furious. here. And we're on a resort. We're there for two more days. Oh, boy. It's an island. Those farts are crazy. It smells like trash that's been doused in vomit. Ooh, I had the Huel, the energy drink. Throw the Huel out. The Huel with the baby water, whatever that saying is. I don't know. I'm running out of juice. So what happened? Did you shoot her? No. So now I'm waiting on my salad and I'm like, I'm sorry, can I get that salad to go? And they're like, oh, yes, it's coming, sir. And I'm like, all right. And every time I poke my head in, he's just looking angrier and Gavin's only doing 20 minutes. Oh, okay. So I thought about being like, leaving and being like, Sarah, you got to eat my cum for dinner. Yeah, fend for yourself. You know, go get your own thing. Eat Billy. And it's Aruba, so there's no security whatsoever. It's just Aruba or gay. What does Ray think? Ray's like, ah, I think you're fine. I don't know. He's like, maybe you're right. Maybe you should get out of here because they seem like just white trash maniacs. I'm like, well, they have guns. They talk about how much they love guns. That was a big part of the whole thing. So it was ugly. And then finally my salad came. And then as I'm getting the salad, the doors of the show ended. So I tucked it in like Thurman Thomas and just fucking ran up the stairs and I spiked it on her head. You're Joe the Refrigerator Perry. I was like, there you go. Eat your salad. And it was crazy. But get off the stage, I got. Damn, this one, too. The shoe. Yeah. Wow. Now, don't you want to take that broad? Clearly she was a shit house mouse. Yeah, she was hammered. She was drunk. So you want to take her sober on a Sunday morning and go, look at this video. Look at what a cut you are. What do you think about this? What do you have to say? She pouts and cries. I know, but no wonder the husband is in catatonic. Just a shut down after that. He's had years of this. No, it's horrible. And the thing that was so crazy to me, the most mind blowing thing about it is that 10 minutes into this and then Christine hated her, too. So everybody hated her. The whole show she was doing this. The whole crowd hated her. They were like booing her and stuff. And then the next day I saw people in line at security going, hey, man, we hated her, too. We felt so bad. That lady was awful. But the craziest part is the whole 20 minutes of my set. She was literally like, come on, aren't I helping? Clap. I'm helping it. Legitimately thought she was helping the show. I know. I know. And you know what's crazy? Now that we have kids, I just picture her as a baby. How much of a pain in the ball sack must she have been as a kid? Right. Anytime she does, she lights a house on fire. She goes, I'm helping. And then you go, you lit a house on fire. You killed eight people. And she goes, you go, it's okay. It's okay. That's how she gets out of it. Well, I imagine she wasn't a pain at all because her parents didn't even factor her in. That's what was going on, I think. Maybe. Maybe they diddled her or something. I hope so. Please send me the video. But anyway, so that was the big Aruba heckle. That is crazy. And you're like, wow. Funny because years ago we used to do Aruba and people would be like, you're doing that Aruba gig? Why don't you just go on vacation? I'm like, well, it's a free vacation. The show's nothing. Same thing. And now I'm like, we should just go on vacation. I get it. Well, she ruined the whole thing. She's worse than the hurricane. Well, it's one of those things. You have this great day by the pool and then all of a sudden you're like, there's a woman going, get off the stage. You suck. And you're like, why did I do this? I wish she was Amy Smart. No, Natalie Holloway. Damn it. I got the wrong white broad. Natalie Holloway. Who was she? She was a girl. She was nice. She was pretty. She was in the companion companions. What's that called? Huh? Will you wear the sash? Yeah. America. Miss America. Paget. Paget. Companions. Yeah. She was a pageant chick. Natalie Holloway was killed by Vandersloot. Yes. Yes. Exactly. Exactly. Which like ruined the whole island. Exactly. Everybody was like, you can't go to Aruba because of Greta Van Susteren. They all hate her because she went down there every day was like Aruba's a hellscape. They steal your kids. Oh, wow. Well, that might have been Greta. Yeah. Because I hate her. Well, I regret her going Greta Thunberg. Whenever you go down there, everyone's like, you know, there's a person goes missing every 10 minutes in Florida. Aruba's had one lady missing. Yeah. Isn't that interesting? Boy, it shows the power of the media. Aruba, great place by the way to get rid of a girl. You just go off the coast. You put them on a boat and Trump will bomb them. Well, I know somebody we should put on that boat. That lady? Yes. Absolutely. There we go. Well, I had a weird one. I don't know how we're looking on time here. Where are we at here? Okay. Well, you give us a weird one and we'll dismount. I forgot to say this last week as well. So I'm doing the Gillis gig. The gig and Arena Phoenix. Bad friends are in town. Nice. So they go, hey, Shane, you want to do the pod? And I go, and he goes, I'm lazy. I don't want to do anything. And they go, come on, do the pod. We're in Phoenix. We might as well knock it out. You're a huge star. We got a huge pod. And he goes, all right, I'll do it. And he's texting me, like, come do it with me. I don't want to go. I'm lazy. Yeah. But then I'm thinking, well, they don't want me. They would ask me. Right. And he goes, just come on. So I go on. I don't think they want to be there. No. Well, in the YouTube, I'm not in the thumbnail. Well, I've been there. That hurts. I'm not even in the title. Not even like a featuring. Or a parenthesis. Did they say Shane Gillis? Yeah. Wow. I got that when I did Flagrant with Louie. They put a black square over my head the whole podcast. You can't even find me in there. I know. Shane's mom got a plug. Or no, Bobby's mom. Well, maybe they have a specialist, an algorithm specialist. Like if you put more than one name or one face, the size. Could be something like that. Yeah, but you'd think like, all right, Shane's got a zillion fans. I got eight. Take my eight. Did they throw it to you at all? Did they say, what do you think, Mark? No, they would lob jokes at Shane and I would get in the middle of them and go, hey, what about me? Well, it sounds like it's all over for you, buddy. Based on this episode, I think it's over for Bozo. Dr. Phil Bomb. No thumbnail. I'm moving to Aruba. I think that's not a bad idea. You made a good push here. You tried your best. Yeah. You had a good run. Yeah. Ah, jeez. It's all done. I had Seinfeld on. I peaked. It's all downhill. That's why I poked. By the way, Seinfeld said his worst heckle. Did you watch I'm Telling You for the Last Time on HBO? Yeah, of course. So did I. So he told me the worst heckle he ever got was he's shooting for HBO this big special after the show is wrapped. Telling You for the Last Time suit on, Beacon Theater walks out and a guy had a blood-curdling scream and goes, Jerry! Remember that? Vaguely. That was in his bed. That's before he got to the mic. So you have to address it. It was like horrific banshee scream. Jerry! And I knew what he was talking about. Wow. How do you start a special? You got to address it. I guess so. Yeah. He said they edited it out of the video, but it's in the HBO one. Oh, okay. So maybe I only watched it on the DVD or the VHS or whatever. So we got into it because I was like, I remember that. He goes, no, no, no, no, no. That's not on the CD. And I go, I've heard that. He goes, you never heard that. And I go, I saw it live. And he was like, maybe you heard it, but I doubt it. So we got into it about that. But that's a tough heckle. Yeah. Well, any kind of heckle before you get to the microphone is rough. Yeah. And what do you go? Hey, that's my name. Don't wear it out. You know, that's a tough one. Yeah, it's awkward. Well, and also the heckle response, it takes you out of the thing or away from the thing. Yeah. Hey, shut your mouth, you fucking asshole. I know. Then all of a sudden everyone goes, oh, jeez, they see a side. Yeah, a side. Yeah. Well, now he gets the Gaza heckles. He gets a lot of comment heckles. Oh, my God. The comments are bananas, but it helps engagement. That's where I'm at. I'm like, hey, it's boosting the algo. Yeah, exactly. Well, we got to put a bow on this puppy. I mean, when does this come out? January, February, March, April, May. I have no idea. I don't know. 2028. Who knows? Well, happy Hanukkah. Happy Valentine's Day and happy St. Patrick's Day. Yes. January 6. Yeah. So I'm going to be I don't know when this comes out. I think Vegas. Maybe this is shocking. Scared the shit out of me. January 15th to the 17th. I'm at Wise Guys. That might have passed already. I have no idea. And we take Christmas off, you queefs. So don't don't get angry. Well, this is past that. Oh, all right. Sorry about that. Best guess. January 31st, Atlantic City. I'm coming to Virginia Beach soon. Not the funny bone. I think so. Oh, Charlotte. I'm doing Charlotte. The orange peel. That's somewhere. That's a great room. That's an Asheville Asheville. I'm doing the orange Asheville peel Poughkeepsie March 20th to the 21st. I can't figure out why I can't sell out governors. I'm doing governors. I don't even know. June 12th to the 14th. Jesus Christ. Long Island, baby. I had no idea. That's really Alabama Charlotte, North Carolina Comedy Zone in Charlotte, January 24th Atlantic City, January 1st. Oh, here is the real deal. Rio Theater, Vancouver, February 12th. One night only. And then Cobbs in San Francisco, February 13th, 14th and 15th. Virginia Beach, funny bone. San Antonio, Texas, March 6th to the 7th. Let's laugh out loud. And that's a that's enough. Tom Dustin, Portrait of a Comedian is available right now. It's six bucks, six dollars. Fucking 90 minute movie. Go get it. Go along there. Hell yeah. I don't know when this comes out either, but I know I do come out soon. That'll be Des Moines. Funny bone. Brea Improv in Irvine County, whatever that's called. factory in jersey that's a nice gig san antonio lol bricktown comedy club in tulsa oklahoma then i'm in a casino desert diamond in sahawarita arizona indianapolis helium in buffalo and empire comedy club in portland maine which i heard is good oh i love that place great room the only hard thing is the green room is like a it's like a sheet ah it's kind of there in the closet it's awesome and uh what's his toes is great he was at skank fest i'll think of his name as soon as we're done talking but he's great okay well thank you folks we'll see you all in hell sorry about the dr philip sorry about the cunty lady and aruba hopefully she gets kidnapped and uh yeah sweep it up get on the patreon for love of god please we're about to do a couple m's You say die, please believe.