#636 Ken-Chucky

hey mark fake banter for the intro that's all I know how to do great good to be here welcome to Tuesdays with stories hit her in the face with a surfboard and then the duck fell out of his bag surfed up and she didn't even flush knock knock who's there Mark Norman and Joe Liss yeah this Tuesdays with stories everybody that's terrible this is supposed to be cheesy we're here it's freezing out it's New York City we're in the winter we got uh 17 inches of snow out there groundhog day about two inches two inches nothing a dusting beautiful dust by the way love a dust what a dust one of the best dust I ever saw we bought the Christmas tree we set it up we decorated and then it dusted and Tom dusted and it was fantastic dusty bottoms how about uh you know how to look get together at yesterday didn't uh didn't didn't see you and uh make it back to New York till 10 30 we'll talk about that you know you Laura I'm coming I'll be down there I go don't worry Karen's bringing her fat sweet ass you know you like her you she likes you and he goes I'll be there buddy boy and I go great and then we laugh because I told the door guy I go hey no reason to call up just it's a party so let everyone up love that I was like but then I was like I feel like when he and shows up he'll be calling okay hey we got a we got a you know what down here I just have never seen one he's a brown university yes ma'am they shoot so uh I go where are you what the fuck you said you're coming he goes I got snowed in uh snowed in it's like uh it's less than just snow what does he James Khan is a misery oh he's miserable all right because he missed out the party and I had all these end words I wanted to say you know if you have a black buddy you can just go hey how about these end words but he never showed so I had to be less funny damn well how was the party I would love to go and I was in Portland I got stuck we had to when he called it reroute uh reroute reroute to Albany what's there like it's too much snow we're freaking out everybody's panicking everybody's heads on fire we're going Albany so we had to just fly to Albany uh meeting over here Albany I know me of all places the capital Jerry of Albany places isn't Albany snowier than Manhattan a little but then they they cleaned it up oh wow yeah so what did you take a train home no I did we sat in Albany and then he goes it'll be probably an hour and I go all right like maybe I can run a car but it'll take three hours yeah and it'll stay in there for six that's horrible it was horrible and he landed at three didn't get home till about 10 30 well now I was fine you didn't miss anything great it was a good good hanged on a Lee sa it was a lot of chicks over there we had Karen Katie Hanigan uh who was the other one uh Mick Jagger Dayton Bissett was there he's a girl yeah he's girly he just played with Marty the whole time they're like the same age right Marty and Dayton we're having a good time playing with trucks and uh oh great oh Ronan came and Shivon and I saw the baby I got to meet the baby oh how's the baby she's a little peanut I love a peanut June yeah okay for it either but uh June's aren't popular right now so Sandy and Shivon and June they were great and who the hell else was there I can't remember it was a small get together who would name someone after a month oh me hey we got a different spelling that's true yeah there's only like four months that are names they're all sequential April May June April June yeah isn't that weird yeah why no August that's cool name August is a cool name yeah it's my daughter October it's the last name Vince August I think there's a first name August I'll look it up well give it a good August Jones yeah all right but yeah it's weird that they're sequential yeah and how come days of the week are never a what's the deal with days of the week not being names there's Tuesday and Wednesday Adams Wednesday Adams but Tuesday she wanted to ask her Tuesday something you're thinking of Marissa tome no Marissa Tuesday I don't know if they're not rolling in the aisle is that Marissa Tuesday I mean I don't know what to do for you folks yeah uh luscious lips full head air well what's the there's a Tuesday Peyton Tuesday Tuesday Peyton Tuesday something with stories there's a Tuesday actor Tuesday is a lot to Google old broad how much better is Jamie than Chuck Joe Rogan's Jamie Jamie's on it he just got it he's quick there's a bunch of August that are famous and Augustus Augustus season oh that's different than August it's not Jonas there's Juno I think you might have turned into it you know whatever to Junos Tuesday as a first name Tuesday yeah there's a there's an actress lady Tuesday held weld Tuesday weld yeah Tuesday weld what Tuesday weld wow who is this day the hell is that bro that was deep in the back of my yeah what's this lady do what she in give me some Tuesday give me some typical she won a golden globe for most promising female newcomer in 1960 1960 oh I thought you meant like some new hot chick no she's old old bag name for a pedophile newcomer that's not bad something there uh play it as it lays is a movie no I don't if it's from all the old shit I don't care black and white horror also what a funny category that doesn't exist anymore best newcomer once upon a time in America oh okay well I've seen her then yeah all right all right well there you go folks Tuesdays the name April made June uh April O'Neal oh yes yes my favorite April what was she that was two teenage teen age Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles yes of course it's got to be another April April April April comes she will April April April Adams isn't that somebody April Adams did I make that up cancel Adams oh yeah name the Adams there you go Adams family Wednesday all right let's let's get cook all right do we let's go let's get let's put the the the kids in the oven and start cooking all right holocaust uh yeah wow I've been everywhere I haven't seen you in six weeks yeah you look like hell I woke up early had to take care of the baby the baby had a big ol I walk in the crib it's not everywhere and then I flip his ass over huge log oh a log is good yeah well the problem is uh the uh Lincoln log the log was in his ass all night and it got smushed so as a pancake uh a little pancake and a little rash you maybe a little rash it's in there yeah it's weird that shit could get you a rash yeah like quickly you got four hours of shit rubbing all of a sudden you just got a big purple anus well there's a lot of evil in there it's poison Jerry that's why the body expels it has a big brown bag of evil and then it's funny too because they're like they don't want to be changed I feel like if I shit my pants and you are like let me clean you up I'd be like oh my god thank you what a friend appreciate I would never be like get away from me that's true I want to go down the slide with shit my pants they could be a bit maybe that's a bit that's funny is that a bit well it's the same a bit I think you got something okay is the same one try to bang your lady and she's like I don't know and you're like you're gonna choose I'll make you choose why wouldn't you want to choose say what the baby I'll make you come well I've been doing this judge started doing this joke about my wife I go hey let me go down on you she's like I'm tired too tired too tired to get eaten out to receive oral you can literally sleep yeah you don't want that either but yeah I don't care it's all for me I don't care about her I want to eat pussy wow and I'm not allowed to eat anyone else's pussy she just told me she shouldn't told me earlier that's true but she's like I'm too tired to get my pussy and can you imagine the situation like you just flew from Portland or Portugal and Albany sure I was like let me blow you right now I feel like you jump on it of course that's why I hired you but yeah that's hurt it there he hired him yes well I get a lot of flag for bringing you in I don't I don't even like this guy he's cheaper he won't leave no more expensive than Jamie but yeah probably um wow too tired to be eaten out how about that yeah that's crazy talk damn I mean I could be you could do sleep deprivation military secrets playing Metallica whatever zero dark 30 yes so yes and then someone said hey let me suck you off I'd be like that would be dynamite I can get sucked off while running yeah like I could be doing anything it's like we're cooking running in the courtroom whatever you cook yeah I think an egg yeah I made spaghetti in a rubah what that's a weird sense yeah I suppose so what the hell you're making Spagudo for we were hungry but you had to go to the grocery and get a pot in a pan and a hotel well you don't buy the pot I mean we were at a it moved it's in a fucking it moved what do you call it what do you call it a condo that kind of bullshit oh I see X condo we were hungry we had diseases I'll get into that in a second I got I got so much to talk about you got so much to talk about I got nothing you what are you talking about you've been out gallivanting with a big celebrity that's true you know I got the Jerry I I talked about that and then I've been gone. I did too two weeks with Gil, and that was wild. - Who's bigger than Jerry, which is weird. - And that's something. - It's something, all right. - It's something, just out to lunch with this guy. He can't, it's like the Beatles. He can't get a bite without a photo. - That's wild. - Wild. - And they see him driving. It's one of the things where they, he drives? - Well, we were in the back of like the black SUV. And we pass by and he goes, where are we staying? Becky, the four seasons, she goes, no, no, no. And we drive by the four seasons. There's 700 guys out there with posters of Shane's fat face. - Wow. - Waiting for a sig. And then he goes, oh, thank God. And we went to some other hotel. And they ran and chased the car. - I never understand 'cause I did a whole Louis tour. I never understand how these people know where they are. I think they assume they go, it's Portland. Everybody's gonna stay at the seasons. - Yeah, that makes sense. There's only one of a few hotels. Maybe they get some insider trading, whatever. - Yeah, yeah, and they check the flights. And they go, okay, he lives in Austin. It's like watching the ponies, you know? Like, okay, I bet he comes in on that one. That one will get you into Portland this time. He'll check it at that time. - That's fascinating. So give me, give me some typical. Take me through, look at me a little. - Pretty wild, how about this? So we did a, last week we did Tucson Phoenix. This weekend we did. Boise, Portland. - Wow. - Yeah, and Boise, cute town, underrated, a lot of nature, a lot of whites. Never been to Idaho, one of four states I haven't been to. Six states. You're half Irish. You can get a potato. - Potato. - Fam and so we did Boise and then Shane goes, any chance we get on that blue turf. - Ooh, I like that blue turf. - Well, do you know about the Smurf turf? - I know a little bit about the blue turf. - I had no idea. - No, I had it. - I didn't know either. So we go out there, we throw the ball, and they turn the lights on. It was like a make-o-ish. - Wow. - We do the gig. It's amazing, great crowd. And you go out into the football stadium and just they pop the lights on. We got bud lights on the ground and we're throwing a ball. - Is that what the show was at the stadium? - Yeah. - Wow. - Crazy. That's unbelievable. The show's in the basketball, I guess. And then we went out to the football and look at that. What? - Can you see the purple? Oh, there. - Yeah, yeah. - What happened? - I went for a Hail Mary and it just did the. - Oh, on top of the finger. - Yeah, it's much of it. It happened to be the wedding ring finger. And now it's like, what do you call it? Lose in circulation. - Yeah, you should take that off. - I can, it's too fat. - Oh, they might have to cut it off. - They might. - Like a fucking jaws of life. - Yeah. - Yeah, damn. - That happens a lot of game, man. - Yeah, it just happened to be that finger, brutal. - Damn. - That's my anal finger. So yeah, that was a wild time. Then you go out drinking and we're like, we're talking to this one kid at the show. We go, what do you got for low key, dive bar, nobody'll be in there, except for like a toothless biker and they go, I got it. We go to this one bar, there's one little Mexican guy drinking a four loco at the bar. - Yeah. - He goes, "El guile suho." And then he texts the whole world, the whole college shows up. - Wow. - It was crazy. - Damn. - That's called, I saw them, the whole thing was ruined, but yeah, the horrors, my god, the horrors, Jerry. - Now what goes on with, how does he do in nude? Does he try new? Does he work new? How the fuck do you do that in an arena tour? - He's working out new in an arena. He's throwing extra lines in, we're working tags in the back. He's workshopping in front of 20 grand. - That's the craziest part of all this is the idea of being like, hey, is this anything? - I know. - I know. - That's a people fit. - It's insane. I mean, he doesn't do the hey, is this anything? He just slides it in, but it's like you said, if you got a hot crowd, you should do new. - Absolutely. - And they're there for him. They're foaming at the mouth, they love him. It's just crazy to think about pulling a note card out, and be like, oh, here, check this out, anything there. - Right, right. - The other day, I'm on a, what do you call it? A tricycle, and there's 60,000 people, just your name. - And they love it. - Wow. - He pulls it out and it's a hot hour, he's killing, it's fun to watch. - I bet. - So that's that, then yeah, you go out to a bar and then you wake up at noon, you get on a PJ, and then you go to the next one. - Now who else was there? Was it Lamar and O'Connor and Pope? - Lamarathon. Now the first weekend was Nate Marshall. - Okay. - Cute, black, and Matt McCusk. - Love McCusk. - Whoa, what a great guy. - Great guy, great hang. - Good hang. - Pleasure to chat with. - Yes. - So then the second weekend was Kevin ISO. - Yeah. - And. - Also great hang, I just thought that would be funny. - And James McCann. - Ah, McCann! - The Australian. - Yeah, he's the hell of a guy too. He saved the day when I was in Nashville. The MC was sick or dead and they brought McCann in. - He didn't save the day in Bondi, I'll tell you that. He's going back to Australia, it's like perfect timing. Right back to Sydney. - Yeah. - Sydney Sweeney. - She's not. - Oh yeah. - I might see that new film with her and the lady that looks like her. - The fighting? - Oh! - The fighting through the house. - Oh, that's like two chicks that look the same. - Yeah, that's true. By the way, somebody sent me the thing about, oh, we were talking here about, what's that movie? Sex and other drugs. Is that what's called? - Sex lives in video tape. - No, I think it's sex and other drugs. Isn't that what it's called with? - I don't know that one. - Yeah, the movie. - That Tuesday, well. - Didn't we talk about this with Jake Gyllenhaal and Huck and the chick I love and Hathaway? - Really? - That's right. - It's called Sex and Other Drugs. - Sex and Other Drugs, would you? - Did you and I talk about this a week ago? And you know what I'm like? - I don't recall the name. - I remember Hathaway. Well, anyway, she's naked and then on Twitter, there's some Twitter feed that has every sexy from every movie, Chuck's nodding, you know. - Really? - And this guy's tag me in the video. She's all hot, she's blowing Gyllenhaal. - What? - So then I put it on and you can swipe to the next fucking thing. It's the next video now. So now I'm spending two hours watching every porn, foreign film. - Hell yeah. - Then the next day, I get like, 300 Twitter notifications, I'm like, I'm blowing up. And I'm like, it's just a person named Melanie, 500 times a different headshot. So I got bodied. I'm all bodied. 'Cause I watched porn. I got what the fuck is this? And Sarah's like, have you been watching porn? And I'm like, yes. - Dang. - So busted with the wife. I busted on the wife. And I'm all bots. - Wow. - You know, you can find it quick, Chuck. Go to my Twitter and look at my replies. 'Cause I replied to the guy. I was like, this is the nicest thing anyone's ever done for me. You're not replying to the horrors, are you? - No. - Oh god, be careful. - No, but it was fun. And then my wife and I were making love. And I said, how about we put this Twitter thread on? - Oh, that's dangerous, baby. - Well, it was fun until it wasn't. 'Cause then it cuts to like two guys fucking, you got a skip. And then it skips to like a cartoon. And I got a skip again. So now I'm trying to fuck my wife. I'm just skipping, skipping, skipping. - Yeah, you're scrolling. - Exactly. - Watch out for streams by the lake. You don't want that to pop up. - You find it? - Yeah, it's your replies and there's a game and then there's like days and days ago. I don't see it. - Yeah, it was like a week. It was like a week ago. - It was like a week ago, that often. - It's just the replies. - I see the app and wait stuff when you're profile. - Okay, there it is. - Yeah, yeah, thank you. - You found the nicest thing anyone's ever done for me. - Okay, so she showed Marcus this video here. - Wait, were you hearting the bath? - Oh. - Oh my god. - Look at that. - Look at that, damn. - Hey, what are you doing? What are you doing? Stop turning it. - Jack just turned it back to himself. This piece of shit. - What? - What year is this? - No, no, no, slow it to himself. - No, no, I'd go down on Jill. - This is sexier half the way where she's masturbating and a movie that's where it had got. - Oh my god. - Now what's fascinating about this is I know a person, I heard a story, I read a story about a guy who wrote a film and she wouldn't do the film because the word retarded was in the script and she has a like a Down syndrome niece and she's like, I won't make a movie that contains the word retarded. But here she is, fully nude, acid. - Yes. - She's glowing, Jill. Wasn't that fascinating? - Yeah, she'd rather a mouthful of Jill and Hall donned and a mouthful of retarded. - That's a hell of a pair of tits right there. - Did they show the cans? - Yeah, they did. They're very beginning. They show the ass in the cans. - You turned it, you queen. - It keeps turning. - Oh! - Oh, man, cans indeed. - I mean, look at this, she's in between his cock, fully nude, ass up in the air. - Those tinnies aren't retarded. - No way. - Wow, Lee. - Yeah, so this guy's doing the Lord's work 'cause that used to be called Mr. Skin, right? - Yes. - And that cost money and it gave you viruses. Well, I guess I have viruses, herpes. - Sure. - But yeah, anyway, so thank you, kind sir. - Well, Twitter, you know, I go on the road, you use these red states, no abortion, no weed, no porn. - There you go. - Maybe I'll try X videos. They got hip to that. Maybe I'll try lobster tube, hip to that. They'll try hamster X, hip to that. So you gotta go to Twitter. - Twitter's good. - Twitter right now, I got nothing but like, these robots are like harding a tweet I did, 48 years ago. - Right, right. - And by the way, in the tweet, I'm like, black shit, really not as smart as a, and then I'm like, "Oh, God, delete, delete." - It was a different time. - Those bots, those bots are no good. They are evil. - Yeah. - Bought the farm. - Robots, but they're really a pun. (laughing) - Bottle neck, but yeah. Wow, porn, Twitter porn is fun, 'cause it's quick, and there's so many. Oh, what are they working off? Oh my God. - Is that her again? - It hits. - She is really something else. This should be a new show. What's she doing, though? - Retards watching porn. - Now her hands are gonna go down her pants, maybe. - Yep. - Wow, Lee. - What do you think? - What is this? - This is Lala Land. - Oh, Havoc. - Tata Land. - Joe Pesci just texted you. - Yeah, I know. - What the fuck is that? Funny how Pesci nominations. - God, she's hot. - Hachi Machi. - Oh. (whistling) - All right, so what else do you got? Anything else? I got some stuff. - Oh boy, well, we went to one bar with batting cages. That was a good time. - Oh, that's fun. - Yeah, although running around with a bat, when you're drunk, not great. It depends on what you do it. - Well, there's just, I'm in a blackout going, ah, chasing women. But yeah, trying to think of just a great trip. Went to Portland, had a great time to the Moda Center, which is-- - Oh yeah, I did that one with Louis. - That's a special place. - Yeah, well, they're just the hottest crowds on earth no matter what venue you're in. - Yeah, well, I think they overcompetent 'cause they know they're the crunchy cleafs. So they go, ah, we're gonna, we're gonna really sink our teeth into these F-bombs. - Well, I think it's a good mix. You need the mix 'cause you got the red-nacky people, the right-wing gun woods people with the hippie, crunchy homos. - Exactly. - And then you get 'em all together and you got a good crowd. - Here, here. - They're there. - All right, so what'd you, what'd you gonna do? - Well, I got a bunch of shit all over the place. Well, first of all, I went to Kentucky. I did Lexington the first time. Did you do that club off Broadway? - I love that club. - Yeah, it's great. And I was kind of like, what's going on here? Every person I've ever met, signature is on the wall. - That club's life. - Oh, Sam, Ian, fine ants. Bill Hicks is there. - Oh yeah. - Seinfeld did its legendary. - Everybody's there. I'm like, what the fuck's going on here? I've never been to this club in my life. - Yeah. - So it was great to be there. He's staying at a hotel right across the world. - Right across the world. - Yeah, it was a great time. And what the hell's story was I gonna tell him? - Kentucky's love, the rolling hills, the bourbon, the horses, it's a hell of a state. - Well, I've made the decision. This is it, final answer. I am moving to Kentucky. - Gamma. - Watch stock at barrel. - Woo! - I've been saying that he has no one in Kentucky, Cincinnati, Louisville, I love. - Kentucky Fred chicken. - My buddy Brady who produced Fourth of July, he lives down there. He ever meet Brady, Nassfah, he produces Rogan's stuff and UFC stuff and Louis specials. - May be, may be. - Great guy. - He's a pretty bunch. - His wife got a job there. So he moved there. He said he's been in LA for 25 years. Move there, he said, everything's a third. - Every price, groceries, rents, mortgage, taxes. - Teeth. - One third. - Yes. - And I was talking on stage, of course. I was like, I'm gonna move here, this is crazy. After when some guy goes, I gotta tell you, I know you're joking, I'm a big fan, but he goes, I have a three bedroom house. His mortgage is $1,500. - Wow. - Three bedroom house. - Harry. - And then the lady, his girlfriend goes, his girlfriend, whatever the fuck, she goes, ow, don't listen to him, you should see the basement, it's a mess, the backyard's small, I'm like, but I can own six of them, but what I'm paying. - Exactly. - I can have 18 bedrooms. - You Kentucky, I did, you know, I did the same thing, I fly there and you just fly it in, you look down, you're like, hold, it shit, it's like a farm house, it's a chimney, we'll puff a smoke, it's a guy riding a horse. - I can live here. - Outhouse, everything. - Back house. - It's kid house. - And it's beautiful, and everyone's so damn friendly. - I know, the southern house. - And you're so close to Louisville, Lexington, Cincinnati, Cleveland, Nashville, Chicago's not even that far, Indianapolis is two hours. - Yeah, it's a forgotten state, centrally located, and the money, Jerry, I mean, I could be fucking daddy war bucks down there. - I know, it's pretty sweet. - I'm paying $7,800 a day to live in a fucking shoebox. - Tell me about it. - So, anyways, I'm moving to Kentucky, it's beautiful, it's fun, it's nice. - It's something special down there. - Hey there folks, it's almost the new year. 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Fab Letix already has amazing deals but right now they're running their biggest sale of the year on top of that. We've got an exclusive offer just for you. 80% off everything when you sign up as a VIP. Head to Fab Letix.com. slash Tuesdays and sign up as a VIP to get 80% off everything. The offer is only available through our link. So go to Fab Letix.com slash Tuesdays. To sign up as a VIP and get 80% off, that's Fab Letix.com slash Tuesdays. Thank you back to the show. - And then how about this? So we do the shows. Great shows, Matt Wands with me of course. Guy comes up to me after the show. Big tall guy, gotta be six eight. And he goes, he buys his shirt, which is very nice. And he goes and let me know if you want to buy some Coke. - Oh boy. - I thought he was joking. 'Cause I did something on stage about like, "Ah, somebody sell me some Coke up tight." Whatever the hell I said he's like, "Let me know if you want me to sell you some Coke." And so I just assume he's laughing. I go, "Oh, I'm good, thank you." And he wanders off this big mountain of a man. And he was skinny, he called Tall and skinny. - That's more of a cliff or a plateau? - Yeah. - Maybe a palm tree? - Yeah, it's a palm tree. It's a big old palm tree leaves. And then the next guy comes up. He buys a shirt and the guy behind him who is buddy, he goes, "What the fuck?" Leans down, I go, "What's going on?" And he goes, "I hear him go, "What's happening? "What's happening, what's happening?" And the guy goes, "I don't know, what's going on?" I go, "What's going on?" I get kinda uneasy. I'm like, "What is going on?" And the guy pulls up, bag of cocaine. - Hey. - The guy dropped it on the floor. This guy's like the worst Coke dealer. - Oh, no. - He's just like an old cop in the '80s. He's trying to get you. - No, I think he's just a big retard of a drug dealer. - Wow. - 'Cause first of all, he didn't do the like, touch the nose, pull the ear. Hey, you wanna, you want the thing? You need the thing? - Right. - That's what Tom Dustin and Tom Dustin taught me. You walk up to people and you go, "Hey, you got the thing?" - Uh-huh. - And if they go, "What thing?" You go, "Wow, weed, whatever." If they go like this, "What?" - Right. - What are you talking about, thing? - What happened to your party? - Well, party's fun too, but the thing was different. - Yeah. - That was like a unique, original. - I like the thing. - Well, anyways, so the guy offered me Coke and then also just dropped Coke on the floor. So the next guy gets, he's like, "I just found cocaine." - Yeah. - I know who it was, it was that guy. And he goes, "Well, I'm taking it." And so one guy bought a shirt, one guy bought a free bag of cocaine. - Hey. - They held hands and skipped out of there. - I love cocaine. - It's weird to just see Coke. - I know, and that's Kentucky Coke. - Kentucky Coke. - Damn. - So that was exciting. - Coke, a cola. - Then the same shot, maybe it was later that same night. I got a woman comes up to me after, I do the meet and greet and the thing. And by the way, nobody, great club, but they have no like real door guys there. It's like a comic, a local comic in a t-shirt. - Yes, exactly. - So the meet and greets were like seven hours long 'cause everyone's so friendly. And the improv, there's like a guy, takes the phone, okay, keep it moving, keep it moving. - Yes. - Whatever. This was like, how long you lived in New York? Where's your wife from? Would you mind blowing me? Do you wanna buy Coke? - Can I tell you a joke? I have a thing about doing stand-up. Here's my first hour. - Okay, listen to it. - Yeah. - Exactly. So there's a lot of that. Then these four women, they're kind of, oh, maybe it was three, it was three women. They're hammered, they're, one of them was celebrating her 44th birthday. Big tall broad, which I hate tall broads. - Big tree. - She's like five, 10. - Yeah. - She's a bomb. - And they're taking photos, you know, like all sexy. They're kind of in my face. - Yeah. - And you can tell they were a little nefarious and drunk. And they're taking photos where they put their leg on you like this. - Oh yeah. And one of them goes don't worry we won't post these we know you're married and I'm like now you can post him I don't post away. I know I don't care. You're three. Yeah, you're three Uggos just put your house around me. I don't care. Oh, they were hugs. Well, I'd fuck home if I was Had us to half a drink. Oh, okay. Yeah, so these are like a Kentucky four. Yeah, I think so But one of the ladies was her birthday. She was a drunk. I think she was trying to get laid She's divorced. Nice. This is their big pickup line. She goes you got a two-year-old and I go. Oh, yeah She goes I gave birth to two ten-pound babies Wow, and her friend goes whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, like like she was breaking up a fight It was a long time ago like you could tell she was like Cindy. That's not the mood. Yeah, yeah I got a crazy birth canal because it was just it felt like she was like work taking you out We're gonna get you laid your tall and ugly your divorced you got two kids. You got a babysitter. Let's get you laid Yes, and then she comes up and just goes hey, I had two massive babies and the friends like what are you doing my vagina's a goddamn tunnel But I related to the lady because I was always that guy with it like you said Yeah, I get it. The girlfriends not coming back. Let's get you laid and then I would be like I got herpes He hates me. Okay. Okay, Joe. I'm in love with you. Please kiss me. So anyways gave birth to two ten-pound babies and then you know To meet him and I did have that thought of What if I fuck three women I'm on the road two right those three total. Oh, wow Jeez, and I was like maybe be fun. Maybe I don't think Sarah wouldn't be upset if I fucked three women Big to diff. Well, it's worse if you fuck one I Think wait. I mean, wait a minute. Wait. I don't know wouldn't the tally of of more numbers be worse well because I think if you cheat on your wife Well, I mean, let's bring me down here and ask sure if you cheat on your wife with three women You're like, I don't know. It was crazy. They raped me. One held me down she gave birth to two ten-pounders I'm gonna get an orgy again. I got I got tricked. Yeah, one woman is like You cheated on me. What are you doing? You have this conversation. But three is like I don't know it was wild Yeah, I don't even know their names. There was so many of them. Yeah, they're everywhere got away from me Interesting. What do you think about that? That thing you got something there like oh, I slipped on a C. Lee Poster petic And I ended up inside of a ten-pound bus. I do think I'm not saying a wife wouldn't be mad By the way, if they're all ugly. Oh, that helps too. Yeah, they're ugly. Maybe they're fan. They were they were you know They were Kentucky women. They were like Chuck But you're not point you're not elbowing go and check on this guy Kentucky That's how you get to the top folks. All right, that's big. That's a title. Well the Kentucky what's the name of what wild Broadway Off the Broadway. That's the club where I was doing a meet and greet. I was selling merch and a lady came up when she goes I like to show. I like comedy. But you got to stop saying the R word And I go what do you talk about she goes? I have a niece with Down syndrome. You got to stop saying the R word And I go what'd you think about the holocaust stuff? She goes that was great So I go oh, so it's just your stuff of course if I cater to all you queives that have no act exactly Yeah, everyone you know everything's a joke until it hits them. Hey, that's the truth, Vanny But anyway, so I didn't sleep with three women. Yeah, but I do think on a scale of You know, I don't care to furious. Yeah, I think fear I mean close to fears is one woman I think you might have you went out with a lady you have your one-on-one you tried three a force some your leg. I don't know Yeah, the night got crazy and she had two 10 pound babies So whatever it's 20 pounds. So that was some picture holding up the babies like with two fishing rods two 10 pounders So then I'm talking to the the women all of a sudden like Like the kids met I got a face time. It's my wife. It's like They can feel it Jerry their vaginas are tapped into the ocean in the moon Like oh, what the hell is this? So I talked to her Marty's just barfing everywhere He's throwing up. He's hung over and just puking everywhere So it's concerning and then this party that's like I may be off to fly home Just keep out of here. That'd be fun. There you go. He's sick enough. Maybe the best out in the world It's pretty good So then the next day she's like he's fine and now I told you I teased last week That I had to go straight from Kentucky To LaGuardia. Yeah, and then take getting a cab and go all the way to JFK. I see right back to back And I was gonna. I'm barely gonna make it. Yeah, so it's like to Aruba a three-hour flight to LaGuardia Then a 30-minute cab ride to JFK don't even get home Get on the flight fly to Aruba. So you work to work down Well, so here it is. So I wake so now I'm stressed all week all weekend Going oh my god. Shouldn't have said yes to this fucking gig. Why can't I just fly down Monday But then I had a sense of relief because there's no show on Sunday We're just flying down Sunday. All right So I had this thought of if I don't make it I look at Delta flights whatever flights. There's flights Monday morning So I can get there if I have to there we go Sarah will go down a day early she can do it. It'll suck, but she can do it So I go all right. That's not good. That's no big deal And then maybe my flight to Aruba will get delayed. Who knows? Hopefully it'll give me the extra time I wake up go to the airport. You got to wake up at 5 a.m That alarm that you go like this. Oh been there. I hate that alarm brutal And then you think like oh, maybe it's part of my dream. Whatever. Yep. Yeah, so Matt and I we start the day I get the rental car. You got to go return the rent to drop off the luggage getting the shuttle getting the thing You get on the plane flight is delayed on the ground for 35 minutes. Okay. Now I only have 40 minutes to get to the JFK. That's true. So I'm like oh boy. Here we go. It's all happening hell on earth Here it is big fear. I feared it. I manifested this fucking thing. I'm screwed I don't want to tell anybody ray doesn't even know this is going on Aruba ray. Yeah I go. Let me see the jet blue flight just to double check look at the jet blue flight delayed 90 minutes. Oh Oh my god. My grandson you never want to delay and then when you want the delay you get the delay. You're even Steven So that was beautiful. So I go okay. I can relax plus I can't control anything. I'm on the plane. Yes Get the sense of relief. What are you going to do and have delay? Yeah. That's not bad. Our van delay There we go. That's good. I think they were both good. Thank you. So I fly land to La Guardia Gotta take a shit stop take a big money shit. I know, but I'm like I got time now because the delay. Okay. Okay. Go downstairs Get in the cab. The cab is moving. Now I'm cooking. I go fantastic. I'm gonna make it. All right. No problem Get to JFK. This is the problem. You know me. I'm Delta diamond all day. I love Delta Delta Delta at my ass. Sure Aruba Aruba ray books to flights. Jet blue. So I'm on jet blue. I'm in seat 3748 B. Welcome to my world, baby So I got this like different terminal. I got no status. Yeah, no lounge and Delta I hate to just blow a big corporation, but they're the best cooperation in the sky of all time. Love them We love you definitely yesterday. Yeah, what can you do? I get to jet jet blue. You know, you go in and drop off the line. I got to check my bag because I got the baby all this stuff You go drop off. They have it. You don't have like that like the bank line where you go through the thing It's closed. You can't just walk up. The lady goes, whoa, where are you going? I was like going to drop my bag check in. She goes, what time is your flight leave? Uh-oh. I go You know, I'm a little squirrely guy. I go. I don't understand. What's the what's the relevance? Uh-oh. Didn't care for that. She goes, what's the relevance? I go, sorry. Yeah, I just I don't understand like I She goes, what times your flight? I what? So I have a moment. I'm like, all right, relax. What am I doing? Don't fight with this fat woman of color. I go 1140 and it's like Whatever 950 or something. Okay. Okay. That's not because it's delayed She goes, all right. Well, you got to go over there and check get the thing over there. Mm-hmm Okay, like over where what? She got the ED card. I need a reptile dysfunction card to get to a world But there's some kind of whatever. Oh You got to fill it out over there. I see international waters. Yeah, but I still don't understand What times your flight? I don't get it. Just let me go drop my bag. What difference does it make? She was trying to fuck you on the if you don't check the bag an hour before You can't get on the flight. I guess so so I go. Okay, so I go over and then it's one of these things I'm looking around be like where's the thing? What is it? So I go back. I go. I'm sorry. What where is it? She's like And it's a QR code the size of Chuck's dick It's like this big and it's like in a sea of all the stuff Hey, it's cute. So I got to scan the QR code. Cut it on then I go back. Okay. I got the thing I'm gonna check my bag and she goes well, where's your bag stickers? No, I don't have bags stickers. I thought that's what you do up there. That's why I'm in line and she goes now No, no, no, you got a self bullshit Self bullshit. Self bullshit. I know. So I go. Okay. I go back Put the thing in. Go to glue it up together. Stick it together. I go back. She goes you don't do that here You gotta do it over there. That's another big point. I go what the fuck get me back to Delta. Yes Anyways got through. I make it there in time meet up with the baby. We fly down to Aruba He's feeling better because he puked Friday night. Now it's Sunday. Okay. We get on the plane. We take off, and now because we have a row with an extra seat. It's nice. Live in large. So you got the extra room, boo, boo, boo. We're in row 13. Unlucky. Across the aisle in 13D, the fattest man alive. I'm talking Rupert plus Chuck plus Shelby. God, damn. How do you get on the plane? He's 800 pounds if he's a foot. Immediately flight takes off. It's this. He saw it logs. I mean, and everyone, the lady behind him was fake punching on the head, like doing this to him. That's fun. Everyone hated him. I mean, we don't do scoring. Yeah. Well, the fat guy sleep apnea is on another level. It was not, I mean, like rows and rows could hear him. It's a bear. Yeah. Then Marty sitting on my lap, having a nice time. He goes, Oh, geez. Just the exorcist 40 minutes into the flight. This is not scoring an S head. I mean, projectile all this hoodie, by the way, all down everywhere. My neck down the side. You finally got Bukaki. Oh, I got it, baby. Reverse Bukaki, chunk, smell. Wow. Everything in my beard. Wow. Well, over his shirt. What was it, you think? Was it a weird meal? Was it a hero? It was crazy. It was every other day. These cans, they just, they just lick and smell and snort everything. They eat shit. You all right? Yeah. Oh, all right. Holy hell. So Noro Jerry. It's everywhere. So I got to take his shirt off. I take my hoodie off. He just flies shirtless. We checked all the bags. There's no extra luggage. Berk, right? Sure. It's great. He looked like Berk. Yeah. Berp. So Berk, right? I take the hoodie off. My t-shirt is just covered in vomit. It stinks. I mean, it's like the bowels. I know that that foul stench. Oh, it's foul, baby. He fouled out of the game. Fowl ball. Also, I left this out. We're having the worst turbulence. I've ever experienced the whole plane is, oh, no one hates turbulence. She's sobbing. Oh, man. I'm going to die. I don't want to die. I'm like, grab it or it can't. I'm like, shut your mouth. Ram by the pussy. And then this guy's going, and everyone around us, around 13, the noisiest store, the vomit. Stinky is vomit. Like crying woman. He's too. So everyone kind of is like, oh, boy, the two-year-old. Yeah. And I think only weak, because it's right on me. It's on you. Hope, you hope. But it was stinking. That is unreal. I mean, the whole five, three hours of just puke everywhere. It was fun when he landed. He felt better. And he was like, you ready for the beach? Yeah. He's ready for the beach. Uh-huh. Sure. So we got to go, who's this fat fuck going to Aruba? What's he going to do out there? Willed watching? I don't know. You tell your boat to him. I guess. Yeah. That guy's an iceberg. He was fucking horrible. And Sarah's like, if you store like that, would you want me to wake you up? I'm like, of course, I don't want you to shoot me. I want you to put me down. Yes, shove a big fat sock in there. You got a wake up. I'm like, everybody hates him. Like it was the talk of the plan. Sure. Now I've done the snoring on the plane, but I got the guy next to me went like this. Like, right. You know, like the fake, oh, I bumped into you, but I was clearly snoring. He was trying to wake me up to shut me the fuck up. And there's different kinds of snoring. Like you're a healthy guy who's sleeping upright. So you're snoring. Yeah. Yeah. You're like that. The mouth open. People snore, but this was like, uh, you are going to be dead soon. You wasted your life. You fat piece of shit. Grizzly bear. Yeah. Yeah. Here's a question, but fat guys like that. You're on death's door. You could croak at any moment, heart attack or whatever it is. Why don't we consider them daredevils? You're pushing life's edge every day. Right. You're a, you're a fucking day. I mean, a guy would bunch of jumps off Mount Sufius or whatever. He's hot shit. Yeah. This guy's, uh, he's evil. Can evil. Yeah. It's a good point. He's, uh, yeah. Fat. Can evil. Yeah. I got to think of what rhymes with can evil. That's tough. Yeah. That is a tough one. Evil can leave meal. I don't know. That's good. Yeah. That's a stretch. But yeah, too many meals, evil, evil too many meals. Yeah. Well, he sucks. Yeah. But it was a horror show for everybody involved. I felt bad. Yeah. He needs the old Zem. He's got to hit him like, uh, like pulp fiction. Stab and then you're leaving. And then like, it's worse than I thought, too. This is like just puke all that white shit down my pants down my t-shirt and four hours. And you just kind of have that thing of like, well, that's, that's it. I'm dead. Yeah. They puke together. But we got it mostly in the bag. But like it came out the side too. It's, it's warm too. It's hot and it, it's that certain smell. I know it well. And then you kind of go like, yeah, you got to start gurgling like stand by me. All right. P Rob Runner. All right. P R R. Hey there folks. This episode is brought to you by Rocket Money. It can be easy to lose track of your finances. But you can keep an eye on your spending patterns with Rocket Money. Rocket Money is a personal finance app that helps find and cancel your unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending and helps lower your bills so you can grow your savings. Rocket Money rules, man. Rocket Money tracks your online subscriptions. The user friendly dashboard gives you the ability to cancel with a few taps, saving you time, avoiding unexpected charges. I needed this. I could not believe how many extra things I had. I mean, it was nuts. I have so many stuff you sign up for once for each try because you just want to read one article or see one pair of bosoms or whatever. Yeah. You forget about it. Then you're just paying $4.99, $2.99 and it adds up. If you add it up, it adds up. bosom buddies. So I got Rocket Money. I'm blown away by how easy it is to use and how helpful it is. Tell them how to do it, Mark. You got to do it. Folks, let Rocket Money help you reach your financial goals faster. Join at rocket money dot com slash Tuesdays. That's rocket money dot com slash Tuesdays. Rocket money dot com slash Tuesdays show notes placed above the folder YouTube is possible. Thank you. So then we we get to Aruba. We immediately take off the clothes, whatever we go straight to the ocean. It's evening time. You know, you know me. I love the ocean. It heals. I take Marty in. The sun has said nighttime. It's a night swim. Me and the baby spiritual. He's feeling bad. We're with the water. We're the only ones in the water. Literally cold. No, it's warm as piss. It's really it's unbelievable. It's warmer than the pool. I gotta get back there. It's fun. Well, just go on vacation because man, I was eating shit on those shows. Oh, really? I was dying on those two, but I was 10 years ago. I remember Don Gavin, 77 years old. Still killing. Really? Yeah. Oh, yeah. New stuff. No. All right. But what's amazing about this? So now, you know, we are very excited about new material. And you know, I think comedians should write new material. But what's amazing about this guy is he wrote these jokes in 1981. They're killing. Yeah. I can't imagine writing a bit that is working 50 years from now. Yeah, that's crazy. And there's something to be said for the marination of it, you know, like that bit and that transition to the next bit is so flawless and beaten out time wise. It's like a old catcher's met. Yeah. You want that old one? I mean, he's murdering. I mean, the crowd is going crazy. Wow. That are older than you and I. Now, what are you? What are you eating it for? What's going on? Well, I think, well, first of all, it was Sarah than Christine Hurley. No, Christine Hurley. I think so. She's a Boston lady and she's got a thick Boston action. She's 61. So she's an older lady. Okay. And she's a killer. She kills and the crowd is old. Yeah. They're all old. And you know, her husband's a fireman and she shits on her husband and says, you know, he was in my pussy. He found the clicker in there. Like it's very sure. Boston, they're in New England. And she's just hilarious and magnanimous and. Yeah. She has a brassy broad. She's a brassy broad. And she's closer to their age and she's murdering. Although, I think one of the nights, I'll get to that, but she had a harder time. And then the next night it wasn't as hot. I see. So, but she's killing. And then I'm now one of these guys. I've just been performing for young men, our people. Yeah. And you go up and following her, first of all, and they're just not that smart. They're a little older. And they don't want to say the sex stuff works. Yeah. They want shitting on your spouse funny sex stuff, which I have a little bit of. You got that. But so my newer stuff, they just don't get it. I'm not eating shit, but it's just not hot. Sure. And it's very strange to be in that position now to perform for no one there has ever heard of you. Yes. Yes. Exactly. They're just like, who's this guy? It's an eye opener. But it was a couple of these where you're like, "Ah, my wife. I hope she dies." And they're like, this guy goes, "Oh." Yeah. You feel it right when you walk up, too. Yes. You're like, "So, and you can just feel I'm getting nothing back. This zero warmth in this room. And you got to earn it." Yeah. And I was dusting off old bits. I was like, maybe this one will work. I was doing like, it's not like a man. That would hit. Wow. Yeah. which is older than baseball at joke. - Oh yeah, get a vote. - So, ended up being fun, but one of the nights, so then, you know, Marty was sick, he feels better. Then, this is what's weird about this, this version of the Norovirus, he was sick Friday night, then Sunday, then Monday's fine. Tuesday morning wakes up. (grunting) - Weird, he's like a model. - All over me, this time worse, like I got in the shower. I mean, all the way down, I look like powder, just fucking nuts everywhere. - Yeah. - Sarah barfed Monday. So, everyone's barfing every other night. - Oh, weird. - So, I was healthy throughout until Wednesday, so then Tuesday, I was like, all right, this is Norovirus, which is highly contagious. Everything that says about Norov is highly contagious, highly contagious, and he's barfing in your mouth. - So, then I had this weird thing, it was like, execute, stay of execution or whatever, that thing where you're like, I know I'm gonna be sick tomorrow. So, I had one day, they were both sick, and I was like, you guys, hunkered down. I'm going to live. - Live damage. - So, I went for a run, I ran three miles, I went to the cigar place, I've got a cigar, I smoked a bag, I made all my phone calls, I talked to my manager, my thing, the other thing. - That's great. - I'm like, having a cigar, 'cause I know it's coming, it's in me. - Yeah, it's like that movie. What's that movie where the guy knows he's gonna die? So, he does all the crazy shit. Bucket list. - Bucket list. - Bucket list. - You had your bucket list. - Yes. - So, I went and blew two men, I slept with Ray. - Finally. - Should I have that Kentucky threesome? - So, then I go to bed, and I'm like, what if I don't get it? Maybe I won't get it. Who knows? - Yeah, there's a few of you who's gonna get puked on twice, you're a shoe in. - Surely it's highly contagious, and you can just get it from being in the same house and you've moved into my mouth. It's like pedophilia. A lot of pedos were dittled. So, it's almost like you got dittled, and you're like, I wonder if I'll be a pedo. And then here we are, you're a pedo. - Well, either you're a pedo or you're a guy that murders pedos. - Right. - You go either way. - So, I'm like, maybe I'll throw up or I'll eat vomit. - Yeah. But I ended up, this is interesting. Normally in Sarah and I's relationship, anytime she sick, I get sick and I get it three times worse. This is the first time ever the other way around. - I see. - I never puked, but I had diarrhea every 30 seconds for a full day, one day. But I'd rather had no puked. - I'd rather that too. - So, and I only had it one day. She had it every other day also. It was very strange. - Wow. But yeah, much better coming out the old back hold in the front face. - Well, because you can sit, which is comfortable. I look at your phone, you're like, I'm getting some work done. - Yeah. And sometimes it feels good to flush the system. - Yes. - Just get all that shit out of me. - I think I lost some weight that day. - There you go. - Right back on, of course. But also the irony of going to this tropical, beautiful, resort, island stay, and you guys are just ruined. - It was awful. I mean, there was not a single day where all three of us were healthy. - Wow. - That we had one day that we were close and we got to go back to the ocean. But this is what's so frustrating about it. And also having a two-year-old, this. The old, you know what I mean? I've never set foot in a pool in a rubah until this trip of all ocean. I think it's insane to go to a pool when the ocean is there. - The pool's strange. - But with the baby, it's just easy. It's closer. It's, you know, it's not as crazy. - That was sick. - And then we had to stay close. - Right. - The pool's still great. And there was a water slide that went on the water slide, that was fun. - Now how's the kid with the, 'cause I feel like when you're sick, you're not just puking, you're sad, you're upset, you're cranky, you're pissed. - Well, in between pukes, he was like, he was pretty good. - Wow. - Me sleeping, 'cause it was exhausting. But he gets freaked out, 'cause he doesn't know what puking is. - Yeah. - So he's just looking like, he's crying. He's like, what's going on here? - Yeah, yeah. It's like the old West or whatever, where they thought that devil was in you. - Yes, yes, well puking has, you see somebody like, it's very exorcism-y. You know, it feels like they kind of spell the demon or something. - Like it's insidious, the devil. - Yes. - So, I mean, if I was like a Native American, I saw a guy, puking, I'd be like, kill him. - Absolutely. - And he's treated. He's done for. - Yeah, put an arrow in his tits. - My kid puked, I took him to some restaurant. I got some Thai food, there he is. And I go, I have a couple of pieces of rice. And a little more, he wanna try the low main, whatever. So I'm feeding him this horse shit Panda Express garbage. And he goes, and I go, he's joking. I'm bringing out and yelling at the whole restaurant. He's joking. I start hitting his stomach. - Like that far. - Yeah, punching with the face, right by fruiting, and eventually goes, "Wah!" And just rice shot out, like a big bag, a wet rice shot, like a mile and a half away from him. And I was like, "Oh my God, I thought he was dying." - Oh, that was allergic to rice also, maybe? - No, I think he got a little bit out. - He can't chew, he's got one tooth. So he was, I think he got one little pebble down there and it triggered him. - Right. What's going on with the peanut butter? Do you see the doctor? - Well, I've just been, I've been going old school. Just been giving him a lick every day. - Yeah, all right. I want to get a doctor involved. - Yeah, maybe you're right. - Think about it. - He's, he's actually not doing great. - What do you mean? - He's a, no, I'm just kidding. But he's fine. But yeah, I've been giving a little, like just about, you put on a mouse trap. - Oh, wow. - Every day. - Every day. - See how that goes. I haven't seen him in a while. I missed the old bastard. - I guess I didn't even know hurry, but he could pop up. - Well, I hear him crying. - That's true. - What was the other thing? That was something else I can't remember. - Let me just tell you about this. - What is? - Okay, sorry, this flight. So yesterday, the gang is, they got it made. They wake up at noon and they fly to Austin, on a private jet. That's it. - Yeah, that's nice. - So I'm like, I gotta get back to the baby. I live on the East Coast. 530 wake up. Get to the airport, Delta. Now I go, there's one first class seat left. It's not cheap 'cause it's coast to coast. - Sure. - But they said, we'll take 80K miles. It's a lot of miles. - A lot of miles. - But I said, you know what, maybe I'll do it. There's one left, I'm doing it. So I get the first class ticket. I go over there, Portland, good times, in the nice seat. They don't lay down, but they're good. We fly, we cook, we eat, we have a great time. I take a nap. They go, hey, we gotta go to Albany. And I go, ah, but I had the first class. So I got to sit in the first class. Imagine if I had not gotten that. I would have been screwed. - Yeah, that would have sucked. I mean, it's so much. - 10 hours. - But 10 hours. - 10 hour travel day, maybe 12 actually. - Oh, so you never got off the plane. You just sat on the tarmac in Albany? - Well, they let us debor, but it was for like a half hour. - Right. - And I had the movies, I had the food, I had booze. So thank God, I pulled the trigger. - It's always worth it if you can swing it to get it. - Especially coast to coast, 'cause that's a bitch of a bitch. - Absolutely, and that's the tricky thing about miles. I was just telling Zach, 'cause I have about, you're gonna shit when you know how many miles I have. - Oh yeah. - 475,000 miles. - Oh, I got more than that. - Really? - I think I've doubled that. - Why don't you use them? - I don't know. - Here's what I had to hold on 'em. - I don't know if you have the miles. You're flying a different airplane every time. - No, I talked to you, you're like, I go to United, I flew JetBlue, I flew, what's it called? - I've been sick with Delta also, don't forget, Fanny. I went to Australia on Delta, I went to Riyadh on Delta, I went to Gaza on Delta, I'm all Delta. - Well, there's long flights. - This is the thing with miles. By the way, here's another fun thing I'm doing. And the people are gonna get a little, their panties and a knot, and you guys gotta do. - I'm $285 short of Diamond for next year. - Oh, just pony up the dough. You can't do that, you gotta fly. You can't just give 'em the $200, you gotta buy a ticket. - So what are you gonna do just to take a little lap around the country? - I'm going to Cleveland. - Hey, wait, really? I'm helping Canner move. - Oh, you're sick, you're sick. You're not gonna help him move, you're gonna be going. Did you hear out here? - Where's the, look, I actually texted her, whoops. - Yeah, I haven't spoken to her, but Canner, I'm like, I got a flight, I $285, so I'm like, I need a short flight. - Yeah. - And then Matt Wayne, his mother's sick, so he's going to Buffalo, and I was like, all right, I can go to Buffalo or Cleveland. Either way, I'm a great friend. - What are you gonna do with Buffalo? - Well, I was mom sick, so he's up there. So I could go be the guy that's like, "Hey, take a break, come hang out, we'll have lunch." - Oh, wow. - Well, there's not much to do in either city. So I texted Canner, I'm like, "Are you there?" And he's like, "I'm actually moving in Saturday." So I was like, "Well, that does it, I'll come, I'm helping move in." - You gonna lug boxes? - Of course. - Hey, what a guy. - Well, he's a good friend and I need the miles. - Yeah, I guess so. - It is, on paper, I'm like, the greatest friend of all time. But really, I'm just getting my diamond status. - Miles Davis. - But I'm like, I can't, 'cause you have to spend $28,000 on flights in a year to make diamond. - Really? - Yes, well, if you have the credit card, whatever, you can do it other ways with miles on the credit card. But this one's gonna save the miles. The thing with miles is, when you buy a flight with miles, you don't get miles or status. So I never wanna use the miles because it takes away from my status. That's how they get you. - Oh, no. So you think like, "Okay, I could use these miles to get a free flight, but then the free flight, you're not getting credit for." -Right. -Because I'm all about that status. -Yeah. -See? That's why I don't use them. -Me either. -Shit. -All right. -You can get it yourself a free flight somewhere. -Yeah, but I'm diamond, but does that go away when the year's over? -Yes. -Fuckin' hell. How do I keep diamond? -Look at your status. Let me see. Well, this is probably more for a Patreon, but. -Yeah, yeah. -You got to go to your thing. -I'll let you have the whole thing. -It shows you. -I'll give you my whole address, so security, baby name. -Yeah, you go to my account. I mean, we're losing everybody. -All right. We'll do it later. -But look, yeah. So I need $1,500 of MQDs. -What the heck? -I need a thousand. -And I got $1,500 because I bought this trip to Cleveland. -I see. -So you got to go right now on platinum for 2026. -Got it. -So I got to get complete the ring. -Bloop. -And then you got your million-mile status. -What's that? -That's 730,000 miles. Once you get a million-mile status, I think they suck you off and fly. -I'm too tired. People are going to be like, "Hey, we wrapped it all up with a bow." -Oh, wow. All right. Well, geez. I gotta just give a shout out to Kevin Iso. Baby, I shouldn't say this. But he brought a lady who's like, I think a lady DM me. -Did you? -No, him after the arena show. We're all like, "Well, go find her." And he goes, "Okay, he goes fine. She's beautiful, woman." And she's with another guy. And so he brings the guy into the green room. And we're like, "Hey!" And the guy's like, "How do you write jokes? I'm such a fan. Holy shit." And like, you know, Gillis is like, "George Harrison. Now he's got a fucking rando guy in the room who's 23 years old. You know, we're playing Xbox or we're listening to music." And he's like, "I got a joke book. Can you write down some jokes for me?" You're like, "All this shit and boy, oh boy, did we give Iso?" Like, "What are you crazy? You're going up with a girl? Don't bring a guy back." And he never fucked her. So we really gave him the business. -Oh, wow. -I said his balls were bluer than that turf. But yeah, just a hell of a weekend, Gillis really makes it happen. Those arenas shows are so wild. You do 15. You make a ton of boatload of money and you get drunk and then you fall asleep in a beautiful hotel and you do it all over again. It's crazy that you do like a minute of material for each thousand of a person. Wow. Crazy. That's just unbelievable. He's doing the stadium. I can't even fathom it. It's wild. Yeah, you go, "Oh, that section's a DC improv. That's the Fort Lauderdale improv. That's the Wilbur right there. It's insane." Unbelievable. That's very exciting. He is really made it. And you know, they're like, "Oh, you broke the Metallica's record." And he's like, "Oh, thanks. You give him a plaque." And he throws it on a stack of plaques. Yeah, that's one of those things. You have to build a room just for the hardware. I know. And they're like, "Who's here last week?" That's like a club. They're like, "Oh, Chappelle." And I was like, "How about before that?" Like, "Bergazzi." And I'm like, "Wow." They're just doing it like clubs. That's unbelievable. How about that top 20 list they made of stand-ups of the 20th century? I didn't care for it. Yeah, a bunch of horseshit in there. I know. Who is number one? Chappelle. And then Louie's number three. All right. It was Chappelle, the Chris Rock, which respect to Chris Rock. I love Chris Rock. And he's something of a buddy and acquaintance. But his best work was in the previous century. Did he yield? Yeah, well, definitely. I mean, no question about it. I mean, Louie. Louie's still producing. You talk Louie and Chris Rock in the 20th, 21st century, whatever the fuck century we're in. 2000's on. Sorry, it's got him five hours, what? Louie? Well, nine hours. Nine hours and. Something like that. 25 years. Yeah. Yeah, I guess you're right. I mean, yeah, all of them. I mean, how is he not number one? I mean, Chappelle, respect is Chappelle, but. He's crazy. Not even close. I mean, Louie with a bullet and it's a drop off, I might be. Well, where was Dave? A tell. Dave a tell and nowhere on that list. What? I don't think that's crazy, too. Where's that list? Can you pull that up? Well, we got to go to the second. I don't care. Was it funniest? What is that guy's handle? Stand-ups funniest? Or something like this? No, it was like variety. Oh, variety. It was like a big magazine. Ah, okay. One of those fucking posts. Well, I'll give you a Chappelle, let's put out work. Yeah, I'm getting number two, I don't care. Okay, okay. No, I agree. I mean, Louie's the man. Yeah, absolutely. Anyways, we got to wrap up. I got to get to the, you know what, on the regs, fucking Yank's ship, which I wouldn't be. I have plenty of time, but I forgot my gift. So I'm gonna go back to the house. The gift, whatever. No, good honest. At my Christmas sweater. All right, folks, I will be in Las Vegas. This first time I've ever done my own show in Vegas. Wow, lost wage. Is it wise guy? Wise guys, really too hard. Did you work clubs in Vegas ever? I did the seller a bunch. Yeah, I've done the seller, but not like a, I've never done like a three-man show. I'm headlining here. I come in Vegas in my 25 years of comedy. A lot of opening. You know, I did like the Riviera with Schumer and all these people, but that's about it, Louie. Yeah, I did that room with the Apollo. And, anyways, yeah, January 15th through the 17th, then I'm in Atlantic City, January 31st, one night only. What do you do, Leno? Yeah, I'm doing the casino circuit. And February 5th, I'm doing comedy Dojo. Two shows back there. And a bunch of other shit that I can't fucking remember. Oh, no, February 12th. I'm in Vancouver for one night only. And then Cobbs, February 13th through the 15th, which is one of the coolest cities and rooms. Hell yeah. So San Francisco, Vancouver, Las Vegas, Atlantic City, Comedy Dojo, and Tom Dusted, Portion of a comedian, is up there. It's cooking. It's for sale all the time in perpetuity. And we just hit a million, big million on whatever that my last special was called. I can't remember. Oh! Small ball. Hallelujah. So that's over a million. Thank you for doing that. Keep watching that. Keep spreading it around. That's the thing about these YouTubes. They live, Jerry. Yes, yes. So spread the word. Yikes. Okay. That's it. That's a good neuro. I'm in Des Moines. Then Braia, California, out there in Irvine County. New Brunswick at the stress factory San Antonio, LOL, Tulsa, Oklahoma, Indianapolis, Buffalo, Portland, Maine, at the Empire Comedy Club, believe that one sold out. So yeah, come on by, check it out, cleaf it up. Go gay. What do you got? Choo-chee. Check out my podcast, Fun Barable. We just put up a fun Christmas games episode with a bunch of the tell them Steve Dave guys. Podcast. I know there's a crossover audience because people talk to me all the time. They're like, get them together, get the podcast together. So it's Walt Flanagan's on it, Jimmy the Hare guy's on it, Rupert's on it, Tom's on it. It's a great time. It's a really, really fun night. Check it out, funbearablepod.com @funbearablepod. Don't check it out. What are you waiting for? If you haven't checked it out, get on it. Give it a try. Give it a whirl. What's the worst that can happen? You're walking around. You're listening to podcasts. Put it on. Stick it in your ass. It's fucking Christmas. Let's go. A lot of crossover Tuesdays fans with Fun Barable. Hey. Are you siphoning? All right. Well, hey, get on the Patreon. We got all kinds of hot stuff and, uh, yeah, tell a friend, cleaf it up, bring it on.