#634 Black Leznar

hey mark fake banter for the intro that's all I know how to do great good to be here welcome to Tuesdays with stories hitter in the face of the surfboard and then the duck fell out of his bag surfed up and she didn't even flush knock knock who's there Mark Norman and Joe list yeah this Tuesdays with stories everybody that's terrible this is supposed to be cheesy hey here we are we're getting water hello everybody what is it why is your bacon - why is the bacon theater poster in the closet you know what is your fucking theater why not up it looks too weird to have a poster me out what are you out of your mind yeah which weird that's what it's up it's it's it's there but it's not broadcasting I can remind her you're retarded get that out of there frame and put it on the wall we've got my face on it I don't want my face on the wall your face is all over the place look at there's your face there's your face there's your face there's your face up there a face up there this is a photo this is a photo you went to the beacon that should be blown up and and framed and maddened and put above your bed it's stuck in the closet like me that's where it belongs oh boy I think any Murphy with the the puppets at the end I thought the ending of that dot could have used some work I thought the puppets were a little window in the house cookie he is I'm like this guy's off he's got to get out of that house he's a cookie can I say this I don't want it but smurge anyone but I'm about to smurge be smurge be smurge be smurge be smurge we're talking about the any Murphy doc currently on Netflix our future home pop a smurge and pap smear what how about when they had and I love the man I respect the man Tracey Morgan Dave Sheppell Eddie Murphy and Chris Rock and they're like the Mount Rushmore the big four the four greats Tracey Morgan uh I mean magnets the top Mount Rush I mean I love Tracy I've worked with Tracey I know Tracy I don't think you'll hear this I think he's hilarious but I think it's a lot to put him in that group there don't you think yeah of course I mean I don't even think he does stand up at this point and at least get like a Kevin Hart or I mean somebody big right I'm not saying Kevin Hart's on the on the rock list but get get get a Bernie Max out yeah I don't think anyone is on that I mean other than like prior and Cosby and one's dead and one's a rapist oh prior um Cosby died no wait what the hell is another black that on the level of Sheppell rock and Murphy they want a black there's not one that should just be the three of the big three but I think Tracy it's from there maybe whatever is on the show he was on the show that's it and then Keenan joins you're cut but luckily they were on the edges which I think they knew also yes like they're five standing in a row and they had them on the side like the big five right like us with Chuck yeah well Rupert makes six but the the crazy thing is Eddie Murphy plucked Chris Rock out of a the comic strip when he was like 17 or something he was moving chairs and he had Buck teeth and a flat top and now they're on us and all together like nine hundred years later it's so cool that he kept him very cool and any really is just the coolest and he's cool that house is crazy looks like the Louvre unbelievable but yeah he's fun to watch that was fun to watch and now so I was I was annoyed that they were like SNL where it all started I'm like what started the comic strip you got there right then I'm like get out of here you can't just start at SNL yeah start at the comedy club but also Eddie Murphy he's real zen you know he's like I just let things come to me I don't really go out there and make things happen and I'm like I wish you would right she would go out when you were making things happen we got the clumps and and the the nutty professors and all that crazy the clumps he didn't win an Oscar so he's like I'm gonna show them I'm gonna be everybody in the movie right fucking killed it yeah he's really he's special it's fun to watch he's one of those guys just want to watch and then he's talking about how he's been taking notes for a year like he has bits written down I know 20 years of like do the bits the bits but I don't know if you can do comedy without saying the f-word and that doesn't fly anymore except on this book it flies back again though now we're back he's tricky for him he's in Hollywood or whatever yeah yeah yeah but that's a hell of a doc check that out the documentaries about people are out of control it's crazy on fire we got a Norm one coming out we got a Mel Brooks one coming out I mean it's cooking there's also a Gallagher one coming out and then there's a Chevy Chase coming out wow you see that trailer oh I have to say the inward I don't know these 82 now damn I'm at them oh is that right I'm at a doctor Phil at the Chicago theater oh I'm at two huge SNL alums at the Chicago theater Larry David Chevy Chase it's funny to think of Larry as a SNL alum yeah well he was he dabbled he did I did he right or Fridays no he did well he was there that's the one he quit and that's gonna be the Costanza there you go Eddie Murphy Seinfeld at the best line and the whole duck he goes he's talking about how you know we praise all these comedians we and he goes comedians get the biggest praise the most flowers the biggest compliments and the most venom and they're all lies oh yeah you know you get the biggest hey you're the goat you know how many people put a little goat on your Instagram when you post a clip you know listen to goat and then they go all right then they go he's a piece of shit kill everybody hates to be sucked so you're like well that's a lie too right we don't want to kill me all bullshit maybe your wife my wife my wife my wife I will not move to a smaller room let's listen to watch Borat I gotta get back in there that's a hell of a picture great movie I mean Oli G really had a good run another reason and I know I'm a good everything changed everything went political everything went pick a side everything went virtuous and now you can't get an Oli G right yeah I wonder what he does now or if he thinks weird things but what he did or whatever like I see like oh I fucked up I shouldn't have done that well he lost his wife is that right divorced Ila out of Lila but that I think that's just regular Hollywood stuff man maybe maybe you know you make the money and then she does the thing and also it's gonna be hard dating an actor they're just always making out with a guy they're always fucking a guy and they like you go away for like six weeks yeah you know what I mean she's like I got cast in this movie it's gonna be me and Tom Hardy will be sharing a tent oh my god and we fuck and then we're gonna do we gonna rehearse the whole time we're gonna do all this stuff I'm Hardy and then he's just going okay well I got a role in me and Courtney Cox are gonna be doing a blowjob scene and whatever maybe not Courtney Cox but someone who's you know Hardy Cox oh they goes your baby there goes my baby I think the man he just covered his face with a blanket well it's a Berka now that's hilarious she's looking at us oh that's awkward hey no more Duna yeah we upgraded thank you by the way we have the same scroller we're keeping the Duna for the maybe for number two whoa Tuna Duna yeah that's why I got a lot of a lot of yeah get it here because I don't have a lot because I post a skank that I've just been sleeping I'm like a vampire I can't get over it everybody I went to LA I'll save some of this but I went to LA everyone from skankfest who is in LA is like they got the gout they got herpes they got aides they got scurvy everyone is all banged up because we're we're 40 now I know and now we're we're we're drinking we're doing Adderall we're eating donuts we're eating ass we're we're up all night so it hits you harder I'm fucked up I keep now I was in DC chocolate city I'm napping it took me like 30 seconds to realize where I was I was like where am I this is crazy my dicks and my ass and now I'm watching footage from skankfest I'm sad you get the footage you get to relive I'm reliving but it's sad I'm watching I'm like I have a bedazzled cowboy hat a leather jacket I'm crowdsurfing I made out with three dudes two chicks and one half and a half oh Brad Williams and I just I can't get over it because I was a different person down there Jerry you know what it is your Edward Norton all day long what do you mean skankfest your Tyler Durden you become the the elevated you the I can fuck for hours I can eat ass I can drink I can fight now interestingly isn't he also wasn't he the Hulk very similar I guess you're right well the Hulk makes you angry and big doesn't make you cool right but yeah I know what you mean but either way I'm I'm somebody and I was just a different person now I'm back I'm like changing a diaper I'm like I love you Sarah over there I was like who wants to fuck me I love my wife she's a big I'm blowing the first two guys that come up here and now I'm back to just you know kissing on the cheek changing a diaper well that's the thing what's good it pulls that and then the jizz out of you because that's what our childhood was like don't you feel like that you don't feel like say feel like I'm losing my edge in my 20s and teens I was a fucking pistol I was a hot pistol I would jump off a building I would punch a cop and I'd ride a horse right those days are they they fizzle and they have to fizzle because you get older, you gotta take care of the baby, you gotta pay the mortgage. - Well, it's, it's skank. They bring the skank out of you. I felt like a real skank down there. - That was a skank, you were too. - What do you mean? - Well, we had that in us, that skank. - I know it, it's still there. I'm repressing you, you repress. - You repress the skank. - I don't wanna repress the skank anymore. By the way, I was talking to Ari. He's on WhatsApp, you know. - Oh, I gotta get on there. - Yeah, he's probably reached out to you. - Oh, jeez. It sent me like a hundred messages. - I mean, I won't get on there. - But he's a clown, whatever, I missed him. But I was restiging and going, "Hey, I missed you. "If I could skank best was wild." And then how about this pimple? Maybe you've been mad that I said this. I was like, "Oh, I got a hilarious Salah Q story." He goes, "No comedy gossip. "I'm trying to, uh. - Oh, shut it up." - Whatever. - He wants it, man. - And I wrote back, "All right, I won't tell you "a hilarious story about a non-communian." I was like, "What are you talking about?" - Good point. - Oh, no, I'm rehabilitating down here. Whatever, I'm like, so you can't hear funny stories. You're a different personality type. - That's silly. - Put the Iowaska down and listen to a funny story about our cookie best buddy. - See, this makes me feel better, 'cause we have a Protect Our Parks chain where we send each other horrific memes and races, Joe, whatever. And Ari went off to Myanmar or whatever, so it turned green. It fucked up the whole chain, 'cause he's off in the Amazon. - He's riding fences. So we kicked him out and we changed the new team to fuck Ari. - I like that. - That's the name of the thread. - That's good stuff. - Suck it, you face. - Well, it's just this thing. I'm like, "Oh, no, no, no, no, no." Like these weird, "Oh, I don't talk about funny stories." - I'm out here cleansing. I'm in a deep cleanse and a hammock. - And then I'm like, "We gonna get you in this movie. "I can't make the movie without you." And he's like, "You'll never find me. "I'm going to Guatemala on a bus. "Some motorcycle here." I'm like, "Well, could you meet up two days?" "I want to bring my wife and we're friends. "I'm friends with your wife." - Sure. - Why are you gonna be so fucking like, "What?" - Mysterious, yeah, off the grid. Did he kill a kid? Well, let's see, what's he running from this guy? - I don't know. He went to our oasis, though. That seems fun. - Oh, okay, okay, now we're coming back. - So we can see oasis, but he can't hear a story. - Yeah, exactly. - Don't tell me a silacuse story. Oh, it'll ruin my life. - He'll think of that story, too. - It's a funny story. - Damn, well, you're lost there, hebe. - Yeah, but anyways, we missed you, Ari, we missed you at Skankfest, but did we really? - Nah, I didn't even notice he was gone. - Yeah, it's like one of those things, you're like, I guess that would be fun. Someone could shit blood on the stage, but-- - Yeah. - But just throwing afterbirth on us or something. - Boy, that was special. Skankfest, twice a year, that's what I say. - Poo! - I don't know if we can handle it. It's always gonna lose a limb or a divorce. - Well, you know, he's gonna do Skankfest. Skank fights. - I heard that. - Which that's good enough, 'cause I don't, I don't wanna do stand-up comedy, so-- They don't want it either. - I'll go down there and watch some spanky fights and some jujitsu with the fucking knife or whatever it is. - Yeah, sounds good to me, huh? Did I tell you Tim Butterley had a great tweet? And he goes, "It's great to be here at the retard comedy festival." How good is that? - That's pretty good. - He is very funny and very handsome boy. - Where did he come from? - Philadelphia. - Ah! - Okay. Um. (buzzer buzzes) - That never ended. - That ran out of energy at the end. - Oh, yeah. - Yeah. - All right, so you're in L.A. I didn't even know you're in L.A. - Well, let me let me say one thing about the skanks and then we'll move on. - Please. - So, great fest. Everything without a hitch. Everything was up and at 'em positive. One hiccup. Lost the airpods. - Oh, I remember that. You were running around looking for the airpods. - Running around. - But were they beeping? You were getting closer and closer. - I was beeping, I was bapping, I was finding, but I was shithouse the whole time. So I was like, oh, maybe they're over here. And I was like, at one point I was under a train. They remember they were train tracks? I was under like a abandoned train looking for these airpods. I didn't know you could make noise with 'em. - Blue, blue, blue. - Yeah. - I didn't know you could do the noise 'cause I'm drunk. So I'm looking and people are like, what are you doing over there? And I'm like, I'm trying to find my airpods. They're like, they're like a mile over here. What are you doing? I was so drunk and stupid. So then I got the whole staff on board. 'Cause I remember you came through and they were pinging. - They were pinging, we saw 'em. I just didn't know about the noise. So I'm like, all right, they're around here. So I'm showing the staff and everybody's like, oh, they're over here. So then it would all run over here. And it was kind of fun. It was like a little treasure hunt. - Yeah. - And I was like, we're gonna find these things. We're gonna find it. And the staff there is so cool and helpful and nice. So then I guy goes, I got 'em. And then my guy on the mic was like, we got 'em. We got 'em and I was like, yes. 'Cause I cannot live without airpods. I just can't do it. So they show up, they give me the airpods and I go, that's them, that is them. I got a little smudge on the side. They're dirty, that's them. Thank you, case closed problem solved. So cut to blah, blah, blah, flying home the next day. I pop the airpods in. They don't connect. So I go, oh, well, maybe they were lost for a while so they're just not connecting. So now I'm like doing the whole Bluetooth, I find 'em. And then I go, oh, these are about to die. Let me plug 'em in. Different charger. So these ain't them. Oh, wrong pods, wrong pod. So, oh, one pod, a piece of the pod. And, boy, I went on a Joe Wong tear the other day. I'll tell you all about that. - The comedian? - Yeah. He's very funny. - Very funny, you know, I heard that 50% of marriages work out, come on. - He's great. - We always always say back in Boston, 'cause he's a Boston guy. I mean, Chinese Boston guy, but he's a Boston China town. - He used to have a great, we used to always say, he does the best accidental Christopher Wacken by parents. Didn't like me very much. - Yeah. - He sounded like Wacken. - You're right, you're right. All right, so I get the pods, I'm on the flight. They're not mine, but they're working. So I'm like, all right, fuck it. But right when you put 'em in your ear, you're like, this is kind of weird. - Yeah, it's a sex with a man. - Yes, sex with a man, it feels good. And I'm like, well, I got the pods. Somebody'll find mine, it'll all even out. So now I'm back home, I plug the air pods in, I go, I guess I'm just gonna move on. It's kind of like you lose your kid, and then somebody goes, here's a kid. You go, that's good enough. - Right. - It kind of looks like him. I'll just fall in love with this kid now. - Like us with the producers. - Yes, yes. - You sent any fucking piece of shit in here. We'll go, all right, what are you gonna do? - Little mega work, Rupert, Shelby, all shapes and sizes. - Lex Salacuse. - Oh, geez, yeah. - Benji Becky. - Wow. - Black Lou. - Wow. - Who's the longest? - Got a Shelby, I think. - A couple years, yeah. - Who is the other guy? - The first guy with the curly hair. Friedman. - Friedman. - Adam Friedman, or. - Friedman? - Remember, he was at the stand-up labs. - John. - Well, John, fatigued. - Fatigued. - And also, though, the other guy though, was Friedman. - Fatigued. - It would be Rupert's name. - Sorry. - Fatest gate. - Yeah. - He had a big ju-fro. - Ju-f-readman. You don't remember? - No. - He was very quiet. He was there for a while. - I like quiet. - Something Friedman. - Lex Friedman. - Adam Lex. - I don't know. - You don't remember? - No. - Seriously? - Not ringing a bell. - I blocked it out. - He was before Shelby. He was the main guy before Shelby. He had a big ju-fro. Very quiet. - Shelby. - You know, it's like the fresh prints when they keep changing moms. - That's us. - Viv. - Viv. - Viv. - Well, anyways. - It's been a lot. - So I'm at home. A couple days go by. I've adapted to the AirPods. I'm out on the porch bringing my baby down the stairs 'cause I'm gonna take him to the park. So I'm waddling down the stairs. And this guy goes, "Norman!" And my first thought is, "Great, some fan." Now sees me with my kid. Now knows where I live. - Sure. - Awesome. And I go, "Hey, what's up, man?" And he goes, "You have my AirPods." And I go, "What the fuck outta here?" We're at my home. I'm on my stairs right here on the stoop. And he goes, "Yeah, those are mine." And I go, "Cab on." And he goes, "Billy-le-le-le." - Wow. - Billy-le-le-le. And I go, "I guess you got me." And I get hand him right over. That was it. - Oh! So wait, he tracked you down with the. - He's like, "I saw you on the Delta flight. I saw you in Manhattan. I saw you in Brooklyn. I saw you in New York comedy." 'Cause he was pingin' me, doing spots. So he's like, "Oh, my God." My Manhattan map is like Ziggin' and Zagon. - You're like the Vince champ rapist. - Yeah. - When they find you, then they look at your schedule. - Yeah, without any of the fun. I'm just doing shows. - Wow, so he tracked you down to your home? - Track me down to my house. - Where my wife sleeps, where my children tell her to play with their toys. - He fucked my wife. - And so I just had to go, "All right, it was very sheepish." Like, you got me, dead to rights. What could I say? He had the ding-de-ling. - So he just took him back? - Yeah, he just took him. He's like, "Those are mine." And I go, "Do you have mine?" And he goes, "No." - Why would I have yours? - I was like, "Yeah, I guess I was just thinking "of a perfect world." - So now, this is like very much like an orgy, 'cause his earwax was in there. Then you crammed your in there. Now his is back in there. - Well, he's like a-- - Get an ear infection. - It's an earwax orgy, the WO. - Yeah, well, wax poetic. But we, so then I go, "All right, well, now, I just gotta suck it up, they're lost." By the way, I can still see them at the Skankfest building on my phone. - So I call Marty Girl World. - Do you need Luke Monas? - Ah, I would kill for Monas. - So you call him up and go, "I call Marty Girl World "and I can't get through blah, blah, blah." Leave a message, so I leave eight messages. Finally, I hit up Rebecca and I go, "Give me the name of somebody there." I call a gal there, she goes, "We'll look for him." I got the whole staff on it, we loved Skanks, we had a great time and I go, "Great." So then, I go buy new AirPods. I just go suck it up being an adult. You got an Apple store 10 feet away. Go buy new ones. Yeah, so I go over there You spend 300 bucks. I got the new fancy ones and then I'm a Raycon man myself. I love Raycon me too Raycon Ronald Raycon. I literally have like nine boxes of Raycon's ready. I'm gonna just use them But that's how much we love Raycon. We won't even open these things. We hoard them because they're gonna be worth something someday Yeah, that's a good of a product. It is so I can you kill the heat by the way? I'm fixing So then I buy the new ones I get them all hooked up. You know you got to do all the skip series skip right. I blow me What's my maiden name? I've never read a single thing. I have Apple everything. I got Apple AirPods iPod I Come ice cream. Yeah, never read a single booklet thing ever not once I look at everything Keep the charger. I throw everything in the fire. Uh-huh. So I put that thing on. I got my new fancy Smancy air pod threes 300 bucks Get a text from Rebecca. We found your AirPods. No, I just bought these fuckers and I threw everything for seat in the garbage So where's where are the air? Are they gonna mail them to you? You're gonna mail them so this is very nice by the way These people are a very good brother beyond and she's like I'll put your check in there too So don't miss just envelope. I keep forgetting she wants to I have this thing We've talked about this is exactly what we always talk about when people are like just fill out this form She's like I just need your banking info. Well shoot the money right over you and it's a substantial amount of money I can't bring myself to go into my bank account right down the number go back to the text text to the thing Whatever I'd rather just lose $7,500,000 because I'm like I don't want to look up a number then write a number then you've got a Number, but I got a little hack for you. You're a leader. No, that's what to make the same joke. Oh really being a leader But okay, well, I got a little I'm the same boat. I go to my bank and I just green shot it and I just send that to them That's not bad crop it so they don't see how a little money you're making, but you crop it up Yeah, that's the problem down and then send that right over to them and you deal with it That's not bad. Chuck. You look like you're hungry to say something. I email myself the information So you just go in your Gmail you don't have to sign in you put bank and it comes in a new copy and paste Now Sarah said now we probably should be saying all the people are gonna crack into your email account your email account It's Sarah said there's a notes that you could put a lock on a notes that needs face recognition to see the thing Is that right? Yeah, whoa. Yeah. I love it. I like your hidden photo So I read I read that in the manual. You know, I read the manual love man You will man scape So yeah, wait, what did you say on the email not say when you see things? I do that with it because I get all these crap Go to New Orleans. What do you recommend and I hate I'm for 16 times. I've gone. What's a good? Oh, yeah, okay It takes like half an hour to think of all these things So I just wrote a list down and I just put it in a folder and I gotta go here's my New Orleans shit leave me alone Hey folks, this message is sponsored by Raycon Raycon's essential open earbuds are perfect for everywhere you go the open earbuds sit just outside your ear canal So you get clear sound, but you can actually hear what's happening around you Raycons are super light the open earbuds ear hook rotates and they stay in place. I'm loving these things I've used other brands then they sent me these I said let me give them a whirl I've been talking about it. I'm gonna be doing an ad for this. Let me try this out. I am hooked It's so comfortable and you like like it said you can hear I mean I live in the city It's a dangerous place. You're walking around the subway, whatever you can get to wrapped up this way You have great audio and you can hear your surroundings. Yes, they sent me a pair. 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I don't want to manage my career I want fucking send my bank info. Yeah, send my recommendations everything. Hey, is there a good pizza place in Boston? Talk to the manager. Yeah, everything I can't you know, can you digitally sign this and send it to the department of buildings? I just go Sign it. I can't do any of it. I can't look at the address. I can't figure out how to how do you get the PDF version Versus the APF versus the IVF. You know, and you got to sign that I can't do it I don't know I literally don't know and then Sarah's always like you got to do it on your laptop It's easier, but I don't even use a laptop. Right. I got on zip a bag pull it out open it type in a code I got 78 pop-ups, but I'm thinking about change my way. I might get a new laptop. Can I be old? It's old It's from 2015 it goes like this. I Never I never use it. I'm a phone guy. Yeah, big phone guy as well, big phone big phone Big Newton So I had to get that air pod story out, but then you go because I got more. I don't have a lot I don't have too much, but I just got to give a shout out to Washington DC chocolate city Did the improv smoke crack got his job back which the improv I mean I can't go the improv and not think about I got a photo not no Hungry guy first in that poor guy. He must have committed suicide. I hope so because he was he was a bit much If you haven't watched comedian it came out 27 years ago, but first he's in the green room He asked Jerry and first he goes so I'll just bring you a water while you're up there which makes no sense No, it's ever done that ever in the history of water. That means let me go out on stage with you and I'll get a photo Yeah, he's got a guy in the back waiting with a Like an old-fashioned one with a pop Jerry goes. I'll just bring this water bottle Yeah, okay, and then he goes can I get a quick photo and Jerry goes not now. Yeah the poor guy double And then in the commentary whoever's on stage, which is also crazy thing about how much Times have changed Jerry doesn't have an opener with them It's just like a local MC. Yeah, and he does the joke He says I knew the date wasn't going to wear it sexually because I was all out of chloro foam and rag chloro foam and regs Yeah, and Jerry's like, oh, he says in the commentary that is the perfect hack joke, which so this Jerry Seinfeld calls this guy a hack Oh on a DVD. I mean, well, he's the biggest comic in the world at that moment. Yeah, the show just ended and also you're like Crazy thing. He just has a random MC. He didn't what do you call that when you book? Not book, but when you go through someone's files to see if they're okay vet. Yes, he didn't vet him because literally like, yeah, I'm a rapist, but I wasn't gonna rape this lady. - That's a great, when he's the cleanest community on the board. - Yeah, that's the MC's joke. I couldn't rape her, 'cause usually I rape, but I ran out of my rape fluids. - That's a great point. - Yeah, why would he book that, or why would that guy, why would they pair him with Jerry? - It's crazy. - Why would Jerry bring anything? So anyways, all that DC improv legendary room went down that loved the Mayflower Hotel right across the street. - Can't beat it. - That is pound for pound one of the best weekends. Starbucks, lipstick, dogs. I know the whole set list. - We've seen it so too many times. - And then him and Shapiro sitting there, he walks across, he goes, boy, this feels really good. - This feels good. - That's great stuff. - Anyway, I know what a doc, that doc fires me up. - It's very good, it's very fun. Of course, we can rape. Bill Cosby kind of fucked up the climax. I've heard that before. - I mean, the whole climax is he goes to see Cosby and Cosby's so wise and beautiful, and then he's just a serial rapist. - I know. - I still love it. - How about Colin Quinn? Name one black guy, Bill. Come on, it's getting weird. - You're making us uncomfortable. The Jerry yells at Colin. He's like, stop, don't ruin this. - Right, right, all right. Well, we're nerding out, but. - Sorry, but yeah, great, great point about the doc. - Thank you. - Well, that kid should have, I mean, look, I get it. He's fanning out, I've fanned out. You've seen me on the couch. But he should have gotten fired for that. You got the biggest celebrity in the planet doing a club. What he could do with the fucking garden or whatever out there. And you got a guy harassing him in the green room who works there, get out of here. That kid should have been in there. - Yeah, it's crazy. Double, double annoying. - Double! - Wanted to bring him a one. He just wants to be seen, like, I'm connected with Seinfeld. - Yes, yes, yes. - And then he wants the photo. Everybody knows you don't ask for a photo. That's like, faux pod number photo. - Right before he goes on stage. - Right. - But, anyways, so went down there with Matt Wayne. I love the room. Shows all, not all sold out. But three of the five sold out, packed out. - It was beautiful, sold out of merch. How about this stuff? - Oh, that's the best. - It's a late show Saturday. I think it was Saturday. It was Friday, must've been late show Friday. - Least best crowd, but still hot. - Okay. - Still killing, I mean, it's just a hot room. You can't not kill in there. - That's a great place to be when the least best is still hot. - Exactly. - That's hot. - And I got this new hour is really cooking. - Oh, whoa. - I feel really good about it. Yeah, I feel good about it. - That was quick. - I try. - You do, you do try. - So I'm just tearing it up, hot crowd fun. And then I forget how it started. The video will be out some point. - Uh oh, we got some filming happening, content. - Lady over here goes, oh, fuck, how did it start? I gotta try to think of it. She goes, I was like, I'm joking. She's like, joke better. - Ooh. - Joke funnier. - Something like that. - And I go, what's that? She goes, be funnier. - Oh, wow, that is so mean. - What a coups. - And I go, and I didn't even throw me. I was in the pocket, I'm tired. I got a new life from Skagfest and the thing. And I'll go, what are you talking about? She's like, I think you just be funnier. I'm like, I'm killing. I don't understand. - Yeah. - And everyone's like, woo, yeah. - Oh, this is already trigger game. - And she goes, I'm sorry. I just haven't laughed at all. - Oh, my God. What is that? And I go, wow, I don't know what to do. And as I'm saying, I think it ever, boom. - 200 people just start booing her. - And you hear like this? - Fuck you, you suck. You fucking come. - Yeah. - I'm just turned on her as wild. - That's gonna change her mind, but yeah. - And then after the show, everybody came up to me like that lady was a piece of shit. She was a whore. She'd never smiled once. She didn't laugh. And she was with it on a day. I said, you're alone, I assume. And that's the situation you can't miss. And evidently, they all booed her and she just went to the bathroom. - Yeah. - Like hit in the bathroom and then when she came out, she'd even go back to her table. She just went straight out and like the boyfriend had to like look and go find her. - Oh my lord. - So it was pretty fun because she just got booed off the plan. - Wow, she got booed off the room. - Yeah. - Not you. - And fled, but it was one of those ones where you're just kind of like, what do you mean? Like I didn't even have a clever thing. I'm like, but I'm killing crowds going wild here. And she was like, oh, maybe it's me. And then everyone afterwards was like, we were watching her, she's a piece of shit. I hope she dies. So that was fun. And in the same show, this isn't even a story 'cause I missed the whole thing. The paramedics came in and dragged a guy out. He like had a fucking heart attack or an episode or fainted and credit to the Washington DC police fire and army. They got him out of that. I never even knew. People like, you didn't know that. And that's what I do a long parapoligic bit right after the like the paramedics had just taken him out. So that's why the joke didn't work. And I'm like, I feel like I was in a different plan. I'm like, the paramedics came during my set. And they're like, oh yeah, ambulance. They told them how they put him in a chair. They strapped him down. I'm like, what? By the way, fuck you to the wait staff. I see every check going down. I hear every drink order. Paramedics come in, pull a dead guy out. Don't even notice. You're telling me. I'm telling you all right. But it was a great, it's not John F. O'Donnell, by the way. I didn't see him since '86. Wow, that name came back from the dead. J. Fod. He was in the other room. And he's like, I want to pop in the green room. And it was crazy. I haven't seen him in so long. He lived with him all the time every day for years. Yeah, good guy. Great guy. Funny guy. So it was nice to see him and shout out to Dale Dunlap. She was emceeing. Oh wow, cool name. A Lady Dale. Ah, do you have any Lady Dales that often? No, no. And that was Matt Wayne. It was Matt and Dale. I kept you in Matt and Dale in the morning. That's fun. No one laughed at it once, but I had fun. All right, well, yeah, that's a great room. And you get all the paramedics stuff on camera, because that's content right there. It's a good point. I love them, but I never even addressed it. I don't know. They were in the back of the room, but I got the lady, and that'll be fun to have her boot off the stage. That's big. That's big. But it's funny when you have a heckle that doesn't even go into a comedic situation. And it was just like, what? Yeah, yeah. She's like, I haven't laughed. I'm like, oh, everyone else is laughing. And then it was just like, boo. And that was the end of it. Can I throw out a theory that's going to be controversial? I love controversial theories. That's a theory. So don't yell at me too hard. But when I started comedy, or maybe in the 80s and 90s, it was always dudes going, you suck, look at this flag. Homo, kill yourself, whatever. It was like a tough guy thing. It was like an alpha guy. You're making the room laugh. I don't like it. Now, with the shifting of the cultures and everything, I think women are going to college more, women are CEOs more, women make more money, whatever it is, I notice the ladies are the only one heckling. The men don't really heckle anymore. It's flipped completely. Yeah, I don't know. That's a good point. I've always said about nine, and I've said this before on here, I'm sure. 90% of the time you have problems with an audience member. It's a lady. It's a white lady. But I think men, in my experience, do the heckle like they like, "Hey, fuck you." Women are like, "It's funny, that's funny." Or like, "No, no, no, no." It's more like talking to the whatever. Yeah. They don't realize they're doing a thing. But yeah, it's a good point. I haven't had a male heckler in a while. Well, first of all, I feel like we don't have hecklers very much anymore. We've reached a level where it's like, it's pretty rare. They police the room. But this one was egregious, and you might be on to something there. Because the men will give you like a use, not funny, but women are like, "I don't like this." That's all about me, like you're not funny. I haven't laughed once, or this is inappropriate, or no, no, you can't say that. It's very like almost dictator-y. Right. Like, let me tell you what, it's what, and it's got to, I got to approve it all. Whereas men are like, you stink. Maybe it's a generationally thing, too. I don't think it is. I think it is. But a man does have the all-time, greatest heckle of all time. You're not funny. You're ugly, and I've had it. They got a three-fer. I've had it. That's amazing. 800 people. He's in the middle of the room. He stands up and says, "You're not funny. You're ugly." And I've had it. Which is impossible to come back from. You cannot come back from that. If you had a rifle and you shot him in the forehead, he's still-- He wins. He wins. Yeah. I'm gonna piggyback. Please. Which is Rupert's podcast. But so, I'm working on this TV show, or our internet show. This internet company. I did this chicken podcast. Did you see this? It went crazy viral with me and three Jewish guys. We ate chicken. No, I don't know. That's all my Instagram. It's got millions of views. Okay. Guys are old cooks. I made fun of them. It was fun. So this company comes up to me and goes, "We had a blast working with you. If you have any ideas, which they always do." And I just said, "You know, I got a dumb idea. I threw it at them." And they loved it. Oh, wow. Which is so funny, because I've pitched 9,000 things that never have gone. This was like a throwaway. And they're like, "We're doing that." Perfect. It's one of these companies that are like, "Fuck meetings, fuck production. Give us the idea. We'll just go do it." And put your name on it. I was like, "Perfect." Which is how it should be. Yes. As we've talked about for many years, comedians with podcasts now too, but it's like every night, we write a bit. We go, "This will work. It works. It's direct to audience. We know it gets a laugh. We know what will work." Yes. Just get the comedian to go, "This will be funny." Exactly. So this company, I'm not going to say their name, but they're really good. They're on it. They just want to make stuff, and they want to get views, and they want to pump it out. So I tell them the idea. And the idea is basically, I don't know if I'm supposed to say this, but basically it's kind of like a don't tell, but the audience changes, meaning like it's all nuns, one show. One show is all cops. One show is all clan members. One show is all fat chicks. One show is all whatever. I think I heard about this. Okay. So they go, "We love it. We'll do all the work." And I said, "Great." And I said, "I'll do the show when you get everybody together." So we did two shows. We already shot it. was all by. old men, so it's just a sea of scalp. - Wow. - And it was fun. When you walk out and see all of one thing, it's jarring. You're like, what the hell? It looks like the future. - Right. - The second show, all Gen Z girls. - Wow. - I'm talking blue hair, nose ring, tats, wacky outfits, clutter rainbow shit, big boots. - Uh huh. - And so of course, I went up and it was a problem. And at the end of the show, but that's what we wanted. It's painful 'cause you're getting called a racist and all this shit, but this is good content. So at the end of the show, we do an interview and we have a guy out there with a clipboard going, would you hate, would you like, how'd you feel, what you did, what you do. And all these, you know, there's a couple normal girls who were like, I liked it. I thought it was funny and then some girls like, I thought the pedophile stuff was a little too far, but overall I had a good time. One girl stands up. Oh, I hope she never hears this. She's gonna fucking sue me. She's got the short hair, she's got the outfit and she goes, I'm non-binary. Watching you ladies laugh at these horrible men makes me realize I'm less of a woman and more non-binary than you girly girls. The fact that you approve of this is appalling. I'm sick of men, I hate men. I'm not gonna coddle men anymore and the guy, interview's a guy. So he's just like, yeah, you hate me. Okay, whatever, but you gotta use this. It's gold, but the whole crew is like, this is great, we're getting great stuff. This is fascinating and I'm like, I'm getting sad. I'm like, there's poor women's at a comedy show. We're having it, trying to have a good time and she's spinning it into this like moral injustice dilemma and it bummed me out and then all, here's the crazy part. All the other girls are having a good time. When this woman started talking, she flipped the whole room. Now every girl in the room doesn't want to seem like problematic or a piece of shit. So they all started agreeing with her. - Oh, she said this in the room? - This is at the interview, that's all together. They're all in the room together. - Oh. - So now the whole room is going, oh jeez, maybe you're right. Oh yeah, the men were home. - Oh, I do, man. - She swayed. - She swayed and it was a microcosm of the whole culture. Like, oh, you're the biggest victim? Well, I don't want to seem like a bigot. So I'll get on your team. It was fascinating and it just made me sad to like, this is how easy it can happen. She's crazy. - Right. - It's a crazy person. By the way, we don't want to be coddled. I'm not going to coddle men. Who? And we don't want to coddle us. And also, you're being coddled. The whole room's going, oh, I'm so sorry. You felt that way, didn't I? Sorry. But, you know, so it was fucking fascinating, but I also was bummed because I was like, this is the state of the industry. But I imagine once it airs most people, especially if they're fans of yours, we'll go, look at this fucking idiot. What do they do with this lady? - I hope, I hope it takes so. - She was a hundred percent sincere. She was full speed ahead. This is problematic. These people should be ruined, men are a problem. And you're like, I hate the, I hate men thing because hey, you hate all men. You hate gay men. You hate trans men. You hate black men. - Your father? - You hate your father. You hate Chuck's uncle. Isn't that great? - What a crazy concept. - I can imagine hating Chuck's uncle. - Yeah, I guess I can see that. - I can imagine he's great. - That sounds like a thing. Like, if you don't shape up, you're gonna be hanging out with Chuck's uncle. - It just sounds like an old timey phrase. - Chunkle. - Chunkle. - That's a rupert. - That's what Rupert Stephanie calls him. - Oh, I love this one. I love it. I love it. I love it. Tuesday's with stories this week is brought to you by Aura Frames. - Hello. - I'm obsessed with Aura Frames. Best Frames I ever had, it's original. You can, I'll just talk about this goddamn thing. - There it is. - You wanna play with it. - Right there in the package still, 'cause it's going out as a gift. This thing, you can hook it up to your phone. It's so easy, you get the app. You can pick the photos specifically that you want in there. - Oh yeah. - Three baby photos, two nudes, whatever it is. You put them so they pop up. And you can program it that way. You don't have crazy photos or screenshots popping up. Whatever it is. - Bring it on. - It's amazing. Wanna give a personal gift this year? You check out Aura Frames. Aura Frames are the digital picture frame. Upload an unlimited number of photos and videos with your phone. As I said, with Aura, you can share memories and special moments. In an instant, it's a great gift for every family member. I literally have two in my house. One of the baby's bedroom, one of the living room. I've sent out three as gifts, they rule. Aura even lets you preload the frame with photos before it ships, mom and dad won't need to be tech savvy. 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Hydro has the largest library of rowing workouts all led by world-class athletes and filmed in locations all around the globe. All orders come with free standard shipping. Hydro's 30-day trial and one-year warranty make it risk free. Head over to Hydro.com and use code Tuesdays to save up to 600 clams off the Hydro rowing a rower during the holiday season. That's h-y-d-r-o-w.com. Code Tuesdays to save up to 600 bucks. Hydro.com, code Tuesdays. Get yourself a rowing machine. Happy haul. - But yeah, it was fascinating. It was saddening and it was eye-opening. - Wow. - Let's say the least. - Well, I'm excited to see it. I mean, that sounds wild. It's a cool show, it's a cool premise. But boy, it just, when I saw that room flip 'cause I'm sitting here watching her going, look at this fucking cook and then the whole room's going, oh, mate, yeah, good point, sister, we're behind you. Oh my God, so sorry, you're feeling that way. And I was like, we're doomed. We're doomed as a country. - Well, but now next episode, just chill to the next episode, you get old women, women in their 60s. And they'll be like, I wanted to fuck that young boy. I'm born-y, I don't have my period. I fucked Chuck's uncle in the 80s, whatever. So it's just one little nugget of asshole. But I know what you mean, it's just heartening. - It's just heartening. It's like seeing, this sounds bad. But you see one roach, that means you got an infestation. It's kind of like that, this is gonna be a bigger thing. And yeah, then the funny thing is, this is what I love about reality, is the girl goes, you made an ice joke. And I have immigrants in my family. And the guy goes, so do I. - Right. - I love that shit. 'Cause you're like, okay, so you get the last say, 'cause you have an immigrant, he's got an immigrant. - Right. - Why does that make you, you know, when they go, I have a weight problem, you made fat jokes. The guy's like, I'm fat as shit. So I can't make fat jokes, 'cause you're, do you see? What I'm getting at. - Also, you should be upset with the guy with the mask that's rounded up the people. - Yeah, but there, and in her mind, she's like joking about it is horrible, 'cause it's a horrible thing. - Right. I know people deal with things with a joke. - Right. Also, it doesn't America, by nature of America, we all have immigrant family, other than the Native Americans, but they don't go to comedy shows, they run casinos. - That's true. - Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo. - Yeah, that's true. Yeah, like, that's a weird argument. Like, white man, you're an immigrant. You're the real immigrant. They're like, well, then be nice to me. I'm an immigrant, but you love immigrants. - Yeah, that's a good point. - I have a point. - Lots of points. - Points, all right, so, sorry, I got too real there. And when does this program come out? - Probably the thing is being edited right now, so we're gonna do a big roll out, but a roll out. - But with the boop-a. - But then the funny thing is the bald guys with a second show is just a bunch of middle-aged dudes. Best crowd of all time. - I'm sure. - Incredible. - You should get bald women. - Ooh. - Or cancer patients. - Ooh, that's a lot darker. - Well, no, they're like, grateful to be alive. So they survive. - Yeah. - They need a laugh. - Yeah, or they're about to die. - Yeah. - That's scary. - I'll die on stage. But either way, yeah, it was quite an experiment, but I was talking to the comments. How crazy was that? And they're like, ah, what are you gonna do? Ian Larr is like, okay, get over it. What is that shit? And I go, why am I so affected? Why does that shit affect me so much? I was ruined the rest of the night. I was like, thinking about it in bed. It was ruminating. - Well, I think you probably, you know, it's more triggered by it, and you're more vulnerable to this than the Ian is. - Ah. - You could get canceled or whatever, but, you know. - Well, to me, it just was a thing that never existed. And now it's like this big fringe group. - But I think it did exist. It's a social meeting. They didn't have a voice. - They didn't have a voice. - You hear all the things of like, whatever. George Carlin did whatever. And the phones were lighting up. - Yeah. - The school was all broken. I mean, look at John Lennon said, "Well, we're more popular than John Lennon." Jesus yeah good point he got murdered for it. I got shot up and was like I didn't care for that And then they have that they they steamrolled over all the records. They lit them all in fire So it's been going on. It's just more frustrating and gay now It's very gay and it's pointed. It's pointed at comedy in a lot of ways, right? But yeah, it's not it's not great But I think it's better than it was five years ago. So it's true. That's true. It is improving. So we got that going for us Yeah better is better than worse But then it's weird people get mad if you break it up. You know, oh, what is this weird thing that's going on People go shut up get out of here and I'm like, well, don't gaslight me. Right. It's the thing that didn't wasn't really there and out to there and Like the Joker. What's that guy's name? Joaquin Phoenix. No the the writer Right Phillips Todd Phillips the director. He said they go what what hang over road trip Old school these are like banger after banger of comedy Why don't you make another one? He's like bad time climate. No good and then people got mad at him for that He's like, why are you mad at me about being nervous about the climate? Right, but that's what I'm talking about like why are they yelling at him? That's how he feels. Yeah. Well, I say these are the times we're living in it's it's a big bag of wetfarts We have skankfest. That's what we love about skankfest We're a good point. Tasing people and Spank fights Lewis is boxing a lady's tits. Yes, so there's here. There's still Sanctuaries. So what's called I'll tell you safe space. They're all safe space. Yeah, that's our safe space. Exactly. Weird, huh? That's what like Legion of Skanks is we can go and say whatever and podcasts. Yeah, where we just do comedy All right. Sorry. I got a little No, no, it's fun a little too passionate. That's what we're here for. All right. Well, I got like I'll lighten it up with some stuff. Please. Okay. So I Just want to say I did a gig San Diego One of the great cities. Love it Friday, San Diego, and then I took the surf liner. What's that? That's the train the M-track that goes from a San Diego to LA. Oh, it goes along the pacific ocean I'm just it's a three-hour train ride. I'm just watching surfing Wow, it's beautiful. Just right along the coast. That sounds I got to get out there I got to get back to LA Peyton Ruddy was just in LA Mixed me think about it. You're in LA. I just love it. Oh beautiful. I love LA - and all you see on the news is just fires and homeless and traffic and The other guy and it was just perfect. I'm on staying at the Andas on sunset right by the The store. What's that? Ziggy Ziggy love the Ziggy right by the Zegger Fahim opening. I mean they they hook you up because we sold out the main room So they just like they've sandwiches in there. There's both bigger cat in there. I mean, it's just a just magical and you see everybody at the store Hey, there's jet ski Johnson and Laura peak and Jessica Michelle Singleton and all these people. So it's just it's just the love fest. I love it I'm about fun that live when we did was. Oh, that was great. We're doing another one. Hopefully so yeah I just had a great time. I love LA. I just love that main room. You feel like prior up there You're killing. You're like whipping the mic cord around and Fahim Murder. Yeah, he's my favorite. I watched him at Skankfest twice and he's just so funny and so silly I saw the jet joke. It's out of this world. It's a maze lunch. It's killer. Yeah, so good I mean, he's got the writing down, but he's also got these movements. He's almost like a Sebastian with better writing right It's incredible. Why is it he should be he's funnier than like you know famous people. I know well It's doesn't always translate here. Yeah, it's like funny is not always the most important thing to the industry in that cookie But and he's brown. He's brown and I think he'll get his I think he makes a nice living I think comedians love him. I think he's got a nice cult following and I think someday he may Just explode and be huge. Yeah, but it happens that way. It's often that way People go that guy was just like hooting the blowfish. We're like, oh, this is a layer We want best new artists. We've been playing for 20 years. Whatever it is. Oh, interesting. I think that happens something it goes both ways Sometimes you have any Murphy who's huge at 19. Sometimes you have Rodney Dangerfield blows up when he's 50 58 Yeah, so you know, I'm like cult following. We never say that about cult leaders He's gonna follow the guy with the cool aid. What's his name Jim Jones? We never got Jim Jones at a real cult following He's literally had a cult following. I think they translate. He's a cult leader. So once you say cult leader, it's implied Ah, I can't just be like, but for him he's a real cult leader. No, he's not a cult leader But he has a cult following but if it got bigger and bigger it'd be a cult leader But I don't know about that Cult leader has a couple more layers to it than just being a big comic But I think once you say cult leader the cult following is implied. I guess so. Yeah, cuz like what's his toe? Who's the asshole from Seattle that was hot and kind of gay? I think and he killed everybody Uh, you know the most famous guy People thought he was hot. Oh, 10 Bundy He wasn't he didn't have a cult following because he wasn't a cult leader But he'll following did he have a while? He had those jokes up, but he didn't have people following him. No, that's our guy Right, right. There's a copycat But there's not a he didn't have a cult following right, but they'll say that about a director like John Waters is a real cult following But you don't hear that about a cult leader. I guess it's implied. I think it's implied. I guess you're right Because once you have the cult You're a cult leader you have a cult following cult 45 so you don't have to say let's try and think of another example Here we're like once you have the thing you don't need to say the thing. We sound like Cosby once you have the thing you can't have a thing You don't have a cult Cult is motherfucking That's what I'm talking about. I listen to I watch himself again just for the hell of it. Yeah, that's impressive Yeah, he's amazing. I mean Bill Cosby 49 is my favorite special of all time. It's just amazing. It's amazing Oh, yeah, so yeah, did the store incredible and got the upgrade back which is how about this I got the upgrade by the way they have First class in Delta premium select Oh for the cross country flights. Yes. Yeah, yeah, then comfort. Tell to come then main. Yes. So I'm in come And it's sticky. I love come. Yeah, and I'm in there and I'm going What do I want? I'm on I'm six on the list to get the premium select so I go that's not gonna happen I'm six on the lineup So they go how about this one guy doesn't show up so now I'm fifth Okay, so I'm checking it twice like Epstein the list and then I go Oh, I wonder what I'm at now and I watch this guy go up to a couple two Asian people and he goes Would you guys together want to go up to premium select? We have a seat or two and you guys are together and you're You're one and two or whatever on the list and they go We're good here So now it's three in a shape three. Okay, not to mention by the way the premium selects are also getting upgraded to first So every time someone goes for a select to first that opens up premium select good point Yeah, cuz first I was like 38 on the list and that had a few openings right so then they ask another couple Do you guys want to move up when they go? They had their feet up the dick out their drinking coffee to like I'm good. I'm good Fuck it. So though you're already sitting. I'm already sitting. I'm watching him go to them And I got the do you want to go up and the guy was like defeated at that point like you want to go up But I go do I and I tumbled all the way up there. All right. It was a great feeling Now premium select is that the laydown or is that just like a first class regular first class? It's a regular first class with a nice nice for Klein your your leg you get the the kick flip thing I think I had that recently. Yeah, which is all I need. I don't need a pod who am I the pod father? Well, it's one of those things though. You always the grass always greener the ass is always stinkier The cum is always gooier because once you're in the the thing you're like this is amazing and then halfway through I'm like the pod looks pretty good. Well sure everybody loves a pod because you can sleep Not everyone loves this one, but you can lay down and sleep because I had that one time going to Europe Louis bought the flight and it was the pod and I had zero oh it wasn't even Louis It was when we did the TV show that we loved oh the London. Yes, and I slept the whole fly had zero jet It was unbelievable. That's incredible. It's also those pre-children days where you can just sleep and then wake up and live your life Well, that was a great show abortion. That's gonna be coming back right? That's just dunk. That was awesome Hey, did every minute of it a lot of work. I've never done that much work in my entire life. No, that was crazy And I went to college good time though But yeah got the got the now here's the clinker clink me I get to my seat I'm in the middle but on on the premium select. It's the middle's not terrible. You still got your wings out Mm-hmm. I look to my right or left. There's a guy Reading a book perfect quiet. Okay, stately. He's got the light on which I don't care for but I can live. Yeah Look to my right. It's a young cat With the phone open watching bad friends and I go About that. Oh, this is not good. Why no good because if he's And I sit down and he goes oh boy Now we got a five-and-a-half journey on our heads. Yeah, that's tough At his stuffs and now I'm like I went from like whoa babies free of select move it on up to the east side Big castle in the sky to Right and see this guy's credit. He didn't mention it once. Okay - Okay. - The only thing about the end? - Nothing, but the only thing I'll say is everything I did, he clocked it. 'Cause I think, I think if you sit next to a guy, you know, you're like, what do he orders? - Yeah. - What do he drinks? - This is the tricky thing, 'cause now everything you watch, he's wondering about every time he changed the channel, every time you scratch your ass. - Yes. - That's the hard thing. And I was just talking about this with Matt Wayne in DC. And I did this a bit, I think it might be a funny bit. - Wayne's world. - You know, we're at a level of success, and you get to recognize a lot more than I do, but like, you don't know who knows you and who doesn't. And Sam Harris is talking about these two, like Tom Cruise and Tom Hanks and Madonna. They live their life, everyone knows who I am, so I gotta be on my best behavior 'cause every single person knows who I am when I'm in here. But at our level, it's a smaller percentage. So the other day, I'm talking to Matt at breakfast. I'm like, look at this mother, she's got huge fat tits. I do my asshole properly, it's all itchy. I'd like to fuck this lady, I'd like to fuck that guy. And then at the very end of breakfast, there's a woman right here and she's like, by the way, my big fan. - Oh. - And there's no chance that she wasn't listening to it. If you sit down and you're a fan of somebody, and they're right next to you, of course you're gonna listen to everything they say. And I'm literally talking about this mom's tits and that father's asshole and who I'd like to bang and for 45 minutes. - Yeah, and you're a paranoid guy. He've always been like, hey, I think that guy's listening. So I can't believe he didn't catch her. - Well, I was whispered, I was talking quietly, but also she was like a lady in a hooney and most of our fans are men except the like three. But she was fat and that's, you know, I should have clocked that. - Yeah, that's more of a speed. - But yeah, and then, you know, I am still whispering, but she's right there. And then you're like, oh Jesus Christ, she's gonna email my father and tell him he's gay. - I know and every decision I made, it was based on this guy. - Right. - You know, like, so I'm picking a movie and he's going, what are my movies gonna pick? And I go, ah, I put on Naked Gun 'cause I knew he would go, oh that tracks. - Right, well, I don't wanna watch Naked Gun. - I had this story before when I was on the flight from Paris to Montreal. One to Sykes was my sitting partner. (laughing) And I had to watch Amazon and MLK and Milk and Selma 'cause I'm like, I'm watching it like this. - Oh, this is crazy. (laughing) - I had to layer his, oh, that's a bit. You wanted to think you're a good guy. - I tried to do this a bit a long time ago about how I was watching a Nazi doc on Delta flight. And I had to watch it like, whoa, I had to keep you like, oh, damn it. - Yeah, yeah. - 'Cause you know what I lost. - Got a text in like, you're laughing as a child's going enough in or whatever. - Sure, sure, extra crispy. - But yeah, no, so I watched Naked Gun. I watched the whole thing 'cause just so that guy can go, well, that makes sense. He's a comedian. He's watching the comedy move. I wanted to watch a crying game or whatever, right? I watched Naked Gun and then I fell asleep. I took 10 sleep tablets or maybe nine. I was just popping 'em like, can't 'cause I'm like, I'm getting some sleep on this five hour flight. Fuck you, fuck your mother. So I'm just popping these. What do you call those sleep easies? That's what they call them. I stole 'em from the Hudson news. Slippery fingers, got 'em in, pop, pop, pop, pop. Do you wanna move seats? You better believe it. So I went out pretty quick, like a horse. And I woke up twice to my own snoring. - Oh, they're like, (snores) - Yes, that thing, twice. So this guy's got that on the books. - Oh, that's horrible. - Plus you probably leaned on his shoulder and stuff. - Drolled on his ear, yeah. But I did the (snores) - Yeah, that's the worst. I had that recently and Marty was like, "Sitting next to me," and I was like, "Ah!" And then he was like this. And I couldn't tell how long he'd been staring at me, but it's not like he was probably like, "This guy's a piece of shit." Look at my fucking idiot middle-aged dad, he sucks. - Well, my dad, he snores like a grizzly, but as a kid, it comforted me. 'Cause I was like, "Oh, my big scary dad is in the front room, you know, sleeping." So I felt like, you can walk around the house, you just hear like (snores) and it was like, "Oh, my dad's home." - Oh, so you knew. - You mean it was comforting 'cause you knew he was there? - You knew he was there. We lived in a bad neighborhood, if something went down, he might wake up. I don't know, it just felt like, it felt so familiar to walk around my home in the dark and my dad just hockin' a loogie. - That'd be different, 'cause he's upstairs. - He's got bad hearing, we can hear us. - We could say all kinds of things. - Oh, okay. - Though with a wife, she's definitely, I know it's scary, she's working right up there. - I know. - But what he does? - Okay. - The dad though, he's, (whistles) we could be playing in NWA, you wouldn't know. - (whistles) - Out there. - Yeah. - I feel bad for the nanny. She's like, "Hello, how are you?" And he's like, "Well, that's my dad." And he can hear. (laughs) - Literally. - Well, at Skankfest, Sarah was just hangin' out with my parents all the time. - Ooh. - Because I was at the festival and she was like, she was dying. - Yes, what is that? - She was like, "This is horrible." Like, when she said the same thing, she was like, "I'll literally say words and they both just look at her." Like that's. - Yeah, my parents do that too, actually. - It's tough. - I don't know. I can't imagine at some point my child is gonna be like, "Yeah, I did a show. It was amazing." And I'm gonna be like, "This is fucking nuts." - I know, I know. We were watchin' a movie. I mean, a great point I felt like I was like, "This is gonna get 'em." And they just, nothing. And then they were kinda like, "You gonna push play?" I was like, "Oh, okay." - Right. - Yeah, it was tough. It made it look to me and she was dying laughing. So then we have that at least. - Yeah, yeah. Well, it's fun to, that's the fun thing about family. Sarah and I call it podcasting. At the end of the night, you just do like an hour long. - Yes, we did it too. - That was crazy. This is gay. - That's great. - Believe it as this. - Yeah, yeah. Well, my parents, I looked it up. Two things. What you get with the no responding is it fucks with a kid. It messes with your brain 'cause you don't know. They do it to a kid where the kid'll say something and they have an adult as an experiment. Just go, and the kid starts crying. - Yeah. - Because he's like, "You're not listening. Are you here? What's going on?" "Do I exist?" You know? So they do it with babies. That was us growing up. - Yeah, destroyed my life. - Completely. But then my parents do it. The other thing, where they go to the other extreme, where they interrogate and I've done, I've looked this up too and this is also bad for a kid. Where they go, "How was your day?" And you go, "Good. What'd you like about it?" I got an A on the test. What test? Math test. You like math? Yeah, and you start going, "I don't know. I've completely the fuck alone." And you start panicking because you're like, "Is this the right answer?" - Right. - And you're being grilled. And it also makes you crazy. And I had that, that, that was the other side of it. - Grill cheese. - Yeah. - Yeah. I got no grill. - Very little grill. - The interrogation to a child. It's, it's no good. You're supposed to go, "Hey, that's a cool car." Yeah, that is a cool car. Now we're off on the car. But it was not like, "Is this the right answer?" And my dad will go like, "Who designed that building?" I'm like, "I don't fucking know." But you feel like a bad guy going, "I don't know." So you're like, "I don't know." Maybe a bow guard. You know, you just start throwing shit out and now I'm lying. - Right. - All things started. - Uh-huh. - Get the origin. Sorry, I'm talking to what. - No, no. - That a big coffee. - Now I'm on this speaking of lies and eavesdropping. I forgot to tell this one last week, I think. We're in New Orleans. The first day we arrived, it was me, Sarah, Marty, Patrick Holbert, my camera guy. - No, yeah. - That's my producer. We all show up. We go to a diner in New Orleans. We talk about this. - Which diner? - I think I told you it was by the airport. I can't remember. Airport. - Airport. - Airport place. Just did a quick Google search. - Okay. - It had butter. - Okay. - This feels so Louisiana to me. Butter in like a ketchup squeeze. - Oh, hell yeah. - But it was just like a yellow fluid. It was like old, calm, that would have been liquefied. - They're big, but we call that the Rooper. - And it was like, is this, I was like, what is this? Like, that's butter. - Yeah. - And I was like, it is out of a squeeze tube. - We love butter. - It was nasty, but cool. But anyway, so we're sitting there as a group and I forget why I brought, I think, Jack Johnson was on. Oh no, we had ordered pancakes. So I started sticking banana pancakes. - Yeah. - I'll make you banana pancakes. - And then oh, and then someone was like, oh, Jack Johnson. And I was like, oh, my cousin, I mean, my nephew met Jack Johnson. He went to his house because his, what doesn't matter? His nephew, whatever, blah, blah, blah. I was talking about Jack Johnson. There's a weirdo lady on a laptop over here. And it was that feeling of like, when someone's definitely, he's dropped and she's like doing this and kept making faces. Of course, we're comics hanging out, so we're trashing everybody. - Yeah. - 'Cause this lady's somebody's aunt or sister. - And she's got a laptop. She can make a record. - Right. So we finished. We're leaving. She hands a handwritten letter to Torrance. - Oh my God. - And so I'm like, what is this letter? And the letter is like, dear friends. Couldn't help overhearing. I need to put it into these lies. Jack Johnson is not from Hawaii. Jack Johnson was born in Louisiana and did this, this, and the other thing. - What the hell? - The sister is this, his father is this. And I'm reading the, Torrance is reading the thing. I'm like, was she ever mind? What the fuck is she talking about? - This is bananas. - And she's like, I'm teared of the lies. She has all the spelling mistakes. But you just need to know these things. And we realize it from context. She's talking about Jack Johnson in the box. - Oh, wow. - So lunatic. - She's listening to our conversation, taking notes, writing a letter. But it's also just talking about, literally, she thought we were talking about the 1930s fighter. - The black guy. - And I was like, make your banana pay. Okay, oh yeah, my nephew hung out with him. He's from Hawaii. - Wow. - He's not from Hawaii. - Wow. - But I'm like, it's so obvious. We're talking about a different Jack Johnson you've heard. - Of course. - It's also a pretty common name. That could be 9,000 Jack Johnson's. - Yeah. Is there another comic? Oh, that's Jack White. Anyways, it doesn't matter. - It's Jack Johnson. - Oh, yeah. - Anyways, she's a lunatic. - That's crazy. - I never came out. Ashley Gavin, Josh Johnson, man. - Oh yeah, where is that? - I don't know. - That's me. - I thought it was big, but maybe I was horrible. - And it gets you some points of black and a les. - And you? - Yeah, maybe I was two on the nose, but I don't know what that means. - That's something. - Yeah, problematic. - Keep calling them black and les. So, black Lesnar. - All right, we gotta wrap this up. - Wow. That was fun. - This is why we learned a lot. We got Dumber and Smarter at the same time. - Yeah, sorry I emoted. And I don't know. - Jack Johnson was from Louisiana, the fighter. - It might not have been Louisiana. I mean, you know, he also just completely insane. - Where is he from? - I pictured that with crayon that she was riding that. - It was crazy. - Oh, baby. - I think a call. - Oh, the ladies we got. - Boop, boop, boop, boop, boop. - Oh, I'll leave that later. Anyways, I got a bunch of stuff in January, February, March. I'm scared, some is outside. - When's this come out? - Who knows? - December 8th. - Oh, great. All right, I'll be in Kansas sit day. And then I'm opening for Gillis on a bunch of gigs, the cult following and going to Spokane. Ah, shit, let me look. - I got Atlantic City, January 31st. I mean, Las Vegas, January 15th through 17th at Wiseguys. And whatever I just said at Atlantic City, January 31st, and then Pekipsi in March, a bunch of dates coming up. They're all on punchuplive.com. Go over there, subscribe to my email list. Please, for the love of God. And I got a ton of shit on my YouTube. Crazy videos all the time. I got the Irvine video. I got a crazy stress factory video coming out, which was a two-camera shoot that Dominic did. - Hey, big dumb. - And it's just been, I got tons and tons of stuff up there. Tom Dustin Portion of a comedian, of course. And get on the get on all this stuff, please. - Yeah, you got a ton of YouTube. It's crazy. - Oh, thank you. - Kicker content, Des Moines. Coming to Des Moines Funnybone. Really gonna work it out. Braya Improv coming back to L.A. Irvine. Or what do you call that, Orange County. Stress factory in New Brunswick, Jersey. Hello, San Antonio. Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh. And Hottest Fat Women in America. Bricktown Comedy Club in Tulsa. Never been to Tulsa. And Desert Diamond Casino and Soiharita, Arizona, and then Indianapolis, Indiana. What do you got to train? - Check out my podcast, Fun Bearable. This week, we just put up Brad's live interview, his panel with Chevy Chase, Randy Quaid, Beverly DeAngelo. - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. - Oh, that's the angel. - Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. - Oh yeah. Yeah, so that's on the funbearablepod.com. It's a big live panel about Christmas vacation, obviously. - How are you guys getting these panels? This is crazy. I find you so unenjoyable to be around and you're getting these big. - Yeah. - I was only getting, I told you, I loved you on the movie. You were the best cameraman we had. Just getting Lex and Patrick and the other three. - Yeah, the guy. - It was better than you, Silicon. - Because we did the podcast for a long time and then I started working professionally in journalism. And so you're a journalist? - Yeah, it worked for three years as a food journalist in Providence. - Did you know that? - Yeah. - He's a food journalist in Providence. - Yeah. - He should interview his mom. That was Rupert. - No, I had a journal journalist. - I did it because I thought it'd be good for writing in my resume and stuff like that. It was fun. - I knew it. - Do you have a girlfriend? - Yes, I do. - What? - That you were gay. - Have you heard of Tellum Steve's mic? - And so they, we started reaching out to do panels and we've done a ton. I had to do the one-on-one with Christina Ricci and I almost just went in. - What? - What? - Is that out? - Yeah, it's out. - Oh my lord. - I did an hour with just me and her on stage and I was like 400 people. - I'm gonna rub one out with my cover cap to screen. - It was scary. - Covering her. - I seriously was like tense about that. You know what I mean? - Sure, of course. - Like tense right now. - It's a weird person, but. - When's the end? - Yeah, we've done a ton of that stuff. We've done multiple cast members of the office too. Like four. - That's crazy. - Yeah. By the way, I turned on Greg Daniel's new show last night. Alan Havies is just right in there. - Oh, he's big. Good actor. - The paper. - Yeah. But yeah, check that out. We just reposted an episode with Mark from a while ago that we never posted on our YouTube. - Oh yeah. - I heard about that. It's doing very well. So check out that episode too, funbearablepod.com. - Okay. - Yeah. - Thank you folks. Get on the Patreon. It's cooking and we got some things in the works. - Big stuff happening. - Stay tuned, tell a friend and check out that live one. Even if you hate the live ones, you cannot beat this up. It is lights out, lunch, banger. In saying, Joe DeRosa, Lewis Gomez, Brad Williams, Greg Fitzsimmons, on mushroom. It was hot. - Hell yeah. - Merry Christmas. - Well done. - You're great, man. (upbeat music)