hey mark fake banter for the intro that's all I know how to do great good to be here welcome to Tuesdays with stories hitter in the face of the surfboard and then the duck fell out of his bag surfed up and she didn't even flush knock knock who's there Mark Norman and Joe list yeah this Tuesdays with stories everybody that's terrible this is supposed to be cheesy without further ado ladies and gentlemen clap your hands for Joe list and mark Norman it's Tuesdays with stories not a new great to be here welcome to Tuesdays with stories hitter in the face of the surfboard and then the duck fell out of his bag wait a minute I didn't know Lewis was on I thought you're just introing us Lewis has never been on ever I'm on ketamine currently come on it's quick there's no hangover a special KKK what do you want how do you open your whiskey oh boy he's relapsed like I'll take this oh this is nice sorry about the guests we have guests we know you hate the guests especially this one what the fuck you I specifically said I'll intro you're gonna get out Joe's like dude please stay on the show it would mean so much you're a fucking cunt by the way privately I told Lewis in a car that I'm doing well financially he fucking says it on every podcast ever you're the biggest piece of shit I'm losing fans all right like hey join our Patriot yeah right you fucking rich asshole piece of shit sorry and Mark has a seven fucking story home no one's ever upset with him he's not doing that well yeah I can vouch mark just dumped a bottle of whiskey on his cigar is that ruined yeah it's ruined you jackass it's wet can I get another Stogie I fucked up that was quick anyway how about Matt Salikus taking the best seat in the house what a piece of shit hey Sally all right we got a hot show today boys oh we got a big one lined up what is that tea yep okay what are you got a vodka soda woo I'm drinking bodega cow yeah good man good man it is a good whiskey I love the whiskey just I've had so much it makes my ass bleed yeah sure oh I want to be one of these guys let me be one of the guys what I open one where's the one I open there it is here you get there's a cop like a beggar yeah all right I just chipped his tooth sorry about that hey that was a good line yeah this guy's just a homeless dude I think he said I got 30 something of them what do you think of the right oh thank god you threw the honestly in front of there Jesus Christ anybody else want to try take it spread some disease around the festival yes COVID COVID COVID yeah who drinks sitting down you fucking idiot that's such a funny idea this guy's drinking sitting down what an asshole crazy there it is don't touch your lips to the bottle you fucking scumbag what is wrong with you just do the thing we applaud in your mouth what an asshole he's like if Joe listen more normally we're one person pass it around homo you got very broad shoulders on this fella he's no he's more he's got shoulders like a broad come on folks I liked it two days with stories I thought we're doing jokes like that that was very good we are Lewis talks like he doesn't love puns more than anybody I don't talk like I love a pun let's pun off baby this is a blind guy are you blind sir no you're just you're just a blind guy you just dress like a fucking asshole wait this is like cultural appropriation this guy's wearing dark sunglasses in a cane and sitting in the front row do you have a dog alright you do have a dog I know joking what do you what's with the cane what happened yeah spines deteriorating is that guy blind well I'm a real blind guy a 12th row and a fake ass blind guy up front hold on wait a minute what would you rather being blind to your spine deteriorating I don't know do that sounds horrible I go blind I'd rather be blind do this guy's it probably excruciating pain at all times every step he takes so much pain as it hurting oh sorry too bad we can't find any painkillers here yeah the blind guy doesn't have to look at any of the women at this festival take that bitches you fucking ugly bitches yeah I think it's one of the better years for the horse now there are some hot bitches here yeah I was just kidding you guys are off this guy's patting his girlfriend's team that's saying no skankfest getting mainstream is that we have hot women at skankfest now it's crazy that's crazy you're leveling up I met a girl who genuinely didn't know who I was I was like how are you here I have no idea what happened it's this what girls beautiful right next to Salah which one which one yeah hold on do you both miss as they're a beautiful one someone behind you do you know a beautiful woman is that what they're saying do you introduce me do you have a beautiful friend you can introduce me to you're very hot you're very hot I'm laughing because he's a reverent not because I'm not a reverent I'm Papa Shango you think this a reverent you're a fucking idiot dude you got white and blackface which I appreciate Lewis Lewis with Shane I said Papa Shane go and then he tagged it with Papa Shane Gomez okay the pun the pun is back Lewis Lewis I love the show I should be on Tuesdays with stories but you guys yeah well think about it we think about it yeah yeah you should be on yeah mark the mark is from here dude this is yeah this is crazy this is crazy this is wild is it fun to watch skankfest come to New Orleans where you grew up this is way better than Vegas my parents have no idea I'm here this is exciting yeah this is killer I mean this was crack head central and now it's well you know but yeah when I was kid this was no man's land so this is exciting and great choice of spot this is perfect yeah this is great dude you guys are fucking killing a man Tuesdays with stories of skankfest thank you guys for being here I really appreciate it yeah thanks for having we haven't missed a year yeah oh I know it oh I know it true friends I mean you didn't invite me to your wedding but that's okay I might even get it it only earth is now fucking married I can't invite Mark and I would want to cuz I love Mark I'll invite you to the next one yeah and Lewis I wouldn't worry about your wedding look at that an astray and a backup to go hey backup look at that where were you during Katrina Lewis came to my wedding and I I've told this story before but people don't realize how sweet Lewis is we had a little picture where you sign the what do you call it a matting around the thing and everyone signed their name and Lewis wrote the sweetest thing nomadically Matt Mark wrote you married a cult Mark Norman but Lewis yeah okay we pointed it out but Lewis wrote something real gay and we're making a documentary Lewis cried the first day like a bitch no I didn't do well you're not coming to my second wedding now I got caught up at the moment you do you guys ask me a question I I was hammered it's like nine o'clock at night I'm just I've been drinking all fucking day they caught me I got emotional he was talking about you guys yeah he said I just mean so much to these fans I wish that was a joke he was like I could just see I'm making their dreams come true and started sobbing all right you know what and then he came in a lady didn't make up will you in the makeup no shit all right this was yesterday she was like she had up who are you bitch I'm Lewis Jay Gomez she's I was like, "Why? Let me see how bad it's like." "No, let me see how bad it's like. No, let me see how bad it's like." [ Laughter ]
Lewis, this gentleman right here gave the biggest contribution to the film we're making, right, James? -What time? -Right, that's you, right? -Isn't that you? -I got Sean Connery. -Can we get him something, Lewis? -Can we get him something? -Stand up, sir. -Security, remove him right now, violence. We're making a documentary about you because of that, man. -What is the contribution that he gave? -I don't want to-- I don't talk about money, Lewis. -Joys $1 million in his bank account. Just so you know. -It's not true. -Over $1 million. -He's not doing it well. -No, that's not true. -How much did you contribute, sir? -Don't make-- don't say it. -No, say it. Don't listen to Joe. He's a pussy, dude. -$20, that's not true. -That is the most money anyone would give us for this movie. It's mostly $5 and $6 donations. -You got a title for this thing or you just go on Skankfest? -I don't want to say it because when you-- -I don't know what it is. -Kids name. -Right. -I mean, say to me, I don't-- I haven't heard what it is. -He's going to say it in the mic. -I won't say it. -No black people welcome them. -Do you like it? -I'll see that. -Just joke it, sir. -It's kidding, sir. -There's one here. We got Cam Patterson in the second row here. All right. -I did that joke three times on the same podcast Wednesday and Yamanik was like, "You got to stop doing that." And I was like, "Oh, all right." I don't think it was Thursday, Friday. I don't know what day it is. It literally was yesterday. I was like four weeks ago. I made a joke like that in a podcast. It was like four hours ago. Should we ask Lewis to leave? -Yeah, I'm leaving. -Oh, you're leaving? -All right. -No, I'm going to go. He doesn't have other guests, please. -Where do you got to go? -I'm not getting recognized. -Come on. -Is that-- is that bitch here? -Oh! -Who's headwomen stand up? -Who is that? -I'm Spartacus. -What'd she look like? -I don't remember, fuck her. -Can we get him something about meat and green dough? -I need to know how much money he donated. -Very a lot. -Yeah, he gave me a number. -A half of the budget. -Everybody else sucks. -Who are you, sir? You're like a rich guy? -You got a rich guy? You're just an idiot? -He just cares about the arts. -Come ask. What is wrong with you, dude? Why are you giving us so much money? -It's going to make a lot of money this time. -Here's what I'll do. -Are you guys going to watch the movie? [ Cheers and applause ] Here's what I'll say. You're contributing to this festival. You're contributing to what we're doing here. I will give you $30 in Lewis Bucks. And here that give you a serious contest. At the merch booth, you use it at the concession stand. No drinks, but you use it for food or merch. [ Laughter ] -Yeah, you're Willy Wonka out here. -Yeah. -It's pretty cool. You walk around, everybody loves you. -You know what, sir? -Speaking of Willy Wonka, I want to give you a golden ticket. So you could fucking skip the lines. -Guys, whoa! -Walk around anywhere. Get into whatever shows you want. -Thank you. -You know what? I'm going to give you a full bottle of Bodega Cat Whiskey right here. -Yeah, there you go. -Thank you, sir. And miss, miss, give him the Bodega Cat T-shirt, then. I threw out to you before, miss. [ Laughter ] Miss, fuck you. Give him the Bodega Security. Security, remove, give him the Bodega Cat. -Oh, come on. -Give it to him. -He can afford it. He's rich. -Give it to him. Thank you very much. There we go. There we go. -Wow. -Thank you. -You've done nothing. -What the hell? You got cocked. -You've contributed nothing to our livelihood and our festival. Thank you, sir. I appreciate you. -I just thought of a banger of a line. Buckle up. You're silly Wonka. [ Cheers and applause ] -It ain't easy. It's saying an easy job. -I love you guys. Have an amazing Tuesdays with stories. I will see you guys in a little bit. I got a couple more podcasts here tonight. And I'll see you guys at the goddamn comedy jam later on. -Wow. Thank you. -Lewis. -Lewis. Lewis. Lewis. -Lewis. Lewis. -All right. Now we can get the comedy going. -Yeah. -Just joking. Lew. Should we bring out some guests here? I mean, we got some bangers on this puppy. -I think we should wrap up. That was a good at show. That's a damn good episode. -Works for me. -Yeah, we got some -- I know you hate the guests, but we're doing the guests. The people at home hate the guy. You guys always have a great time. -Yeah. This one's gonna be good. -It's the people at home that are like, "Let's suck," but you guys always love it. But is the audience Mike Chuk? Will they be able to hear them? Fuck. It always sounds like we're bombing, but we're killing. -Yeah. -Yeah. -You got it? -How about it for Chuck right there, everybody? -That's what he looks like. [ Cheers and applause ] Can you believe it? -That's some booze. -Couple booze. -Couple booze. -Oh, wow. -There it is. Look at that face. Can you believe that's the guy who fucks girls? There he is. -His girlfriend's here because -- -Oh, Jay, he used to fuck girls. -Let's move off with Chuck quickly. -Yeah. -That's what the people want. -All right. We got guests, but you guys excited? [ Cheers and applause ] They're fired up because all day we've been telling them how much the audience hates guests, so -- -Oh. -I'm feeling good. I'll bring this first guy up. This guy, he's on the show because I bumped into him at Starbucks. -Hey. -And he told me two very funny stories. [ Laughter ] -Okay. -Make it loud for Greg Fitzsimmons. -Yeah! [ Cheers and applause ] -Yeah, Greg. [ Cheers and applause ] -Yeah! [ Laughter ] -Yeah, he's known for his hog. -Is that true? -Yes. Huge. -Well, here's a thing. There was a lot of talk about my dick back in the tough crowd with Colin Quinn days. And Colin eventually asked to see it in the green room. -Oh, shit. -And so I whipped it out, which by the way, you know, it's big if you whip it. If you take it out, it's very small. I whipped it out, and there was a black staff member, a woman, and she went, "Oh." And they went, "Oh, the nut's, uh, yeah." -Oh! Oh, I thought you was -- she was upset about the whipping. [ Laughter ] -Mark! -Mark! -All right, all right, all right. -So, thanks for bringing it up. I like to keep the, uh, keep the rumor alive. -Strict of love, yeah. I've heard. I've heard rumors. -I've never heard the rumor. -Yeah. -Oh, yeah. -I'd like to see it. We're under the table. -This is already on the table? -I actually don't want to see it. I've seen enough penises. I saw, uh, Jamar neighbors' penis yesterday. -Oh, man. This is dick of a mokehawk, too. -It is fucking wild. -Really? -Yeah. -He walked across the stage, and the tip was dirty when he got to the other side. -Wow! -I can give him a snip. [ Laughter ] -Did you guys go to the naked show yesterday? [ Cheers and applause ] -There was some real hogs there. -And that's just the women. -Okay. That's gonna ask. [ Laughter ] -We got another guest. He looks so hit. It's like a calendar. -I'm telling you. It is the best he's ever looked. -Matter, you shouldn't steal his video. -Oh, damn. This is the one time I wanted to steal, 'cause he looks great. -Yeah, come on out. Get a steal of this, man, 'cause he very rarely looks even remotely attractive. Don't give away our guest, God damn it. You people over here. -Shane is a surprise. [ Laughter ] -Here he comes, everybody! -Joderosa! [ Cheers and applause ] -And we're Joey! [ Cheers and applause ] -Look at that! -What? -I'm sorry? -What does he say? -When I was with Carrie, they're saying. -Nothing happened with Carrie, you know? -Who's that? The one trans person here? -Oh, okay. -I didn't change my shirt. [ Laughter ] -She changed her gender. [ Laughter ] -I mean, you hook up with one trans-sexual woman once at Skankfest during a podcast, and then everybody thinks every time you're on stage with a trans-sexual woman at Skankfest, you're gonna hook up with her. We just walked off stage. She was very nice. She's a lovely lady. Is she here? -Well, I think the trans community is a buzz about you. -Really? -Yeah, because you were willing to do that. -I finally made it in one community. -Yeah. -You're locked up in comedy. -Yeah. -You're the Abe Lincoln of trans people. [ Laughter ] -You're the hacky Robinson. [ Laughter ] -All right. -I am the Abe Stinkin. -Okay. We're warming up. We're warming up. -I'm not so sure. -All right. -How you guys doing? -Good. -Living the dream. -I am teetering on passing out at this point. I am falling. -Come on! -Hammard. -Are you? -Oh, my God. -You hide it well. -I know that's the side of a problem. -I said this to Joe earlier. He never feels fucked up. You don't seem totally regular to me. -It's wild that you're dressed like that, and I'm dressed like this, and I'm the one that's hammered right now. -Yeah. Well, I'm being silly. -Yeah. -It's a very silly festival. -It's a silly festival. -I am a completely shit face.
-This is my last thing. This is my last stop on the first-- -That's right, Faye. -Yeah, so here we go. -You going to the strip club or no? -I have to host the strip club party. -You're gonna make it. -With Kurt Metzger-- -Oh! -So, if you ever wanted to see a guy corner a stripper and tell her how COVID is fake for three years. -Tonight, your night. -Sorry, do you want to swim? -And he's right, this guy. This guy just waited out the whole festival to yell that out. -It's fake! -But yeah, so anyway, yeah, so I got to-- -You're there. We got one more guest, and then we'll get this thing cooking. -All right. -Should I-- sorry. -Did I go too far? -No, no, I just don't want to leave him hanging out there. -All right, watch that cigar. -Sorry, sorry. All right, okay, one more? -Yes. -All right, here we go. Put your hands together, make it loud for Brad Williams! Woo! There we go! I had to get a running start to get into that chair, but I got here. I'm very triggered by being here, because they have those rides out front. I can't get on them. Fucking Ferris wheel. Speaking of Willy Wonka, we got one of the fucking-- Munchkins here. Is it a Munchkin? What do they call them? -Opa, opa, opa. -Opa, opa, opa. Get my slurs, correct, sir. Joe can get on the Ferris wheel. All right, all right. -What's Joe? -I'm sorry, Greg, shit, Simmons. -Whoa! -It's crazy. -I was fucking around. -The fuck? -That's too much, I'm sorry. Relax. One more like that, you're out of here. I wonder whose dick was bigger. Greg's are your ex-girlfriends. -It's a good question. -All right. -That's the last-- -That story from Greg, I was puffing up backstage. Yeah, just piped down, Joe DeGrosa. -Whoa! -No, no, I'm sorry. -Whoa! -I'm sorry. -That's fucked up. -How old are you now, Greg? Jesus Christ. -I mean, what is that? -I sounded like a pedophile. -Hey, little Greg, how old are you? -I was saying the pepper toe last year, by the way. Yeah, I'm younger than Joey Peppertown. I'm 59 years old. All right, now how's the boner with that hog going? It's not good. No, I have to really focus now. What about the blue chew? Did it? I get light-headed. You get too much blood. You lose all the blood, but what happens is I get-- it starts to-- if I don't really focus, so I get the thumb underneath it, and I just kind of shoehorn it back in again. -Oh, the old marshmallow in the keyhole. -Yeah. I wonder-- I bet we're in dick order if you're counting Brad. I'm okay with that. Brad's packing, man. Really, but packing on a curb? I mean, I'm pretty sure I'm the only guy up here who can legitimately say it hangs down to my knee. Good point. Brad is packed. Brad is packing presents for Santa Claus. Hold on, we got to get done. I got to go to work soon. It's almost that time of the year. I got to heart out on December 24th. I'm not getting a better one than that. It's gonna sit here. -That's good stuff. -That's a midget thing. Oh, whizzin' of us. I really did bump into Greg and stuff. He was thinking out loud. You say whizz from us, just randomly? Well, I was thinking of other little people. No, that's not what you said, though. You said the bad words. Shut up. I don't care about that. We're at Skankfest. You can do-- you could say midget with a hard tee. The M word, "migger." Yeah, "migger, please." Oh, okay. Keep it under control here. One better way, so it's bigger. All right, I'm good. So anyways, I bump into Greg at Starbucks. And who did we have fun? Oh, yeah. Couple of tees. Well, there was a go. Well, there was a couple there, and I don't know how we got to talking on them, but they said, "Yeah, we're leaving on a cruise, "and there's a whole mass of fat Midwestern people "in front of the Starbucks waiting to get on a bus "to get on a cruise." You could just say Midwestern people. Yeah, right. They're here, too. Yeah. And they go, "And Joe goes, "Well, what stops you make?" And one of the stops was Bolivia. Oh, Honduras. Honduras, Honduras. And I go, "Oh, shit." And they go, "Well, you didn't hear there's a civil war. It just broke out this morning." And they were like, "No." And I was like, "Yeah." And Joe's like, "Yeah." And I go, "And they're using swords." (laughing) But what made it great was you go, "Yeah, I guess the president "killed the Secretary of State with a sword." And they were like, "Jesus." I'm like, "Yeah, it's fucked up." And then they were like, "I guess that's why there's a delay." And he's like, "That is why there's a delay." And they were getting like, "Really bummed out." (laughing) And then as they were leaving, I was like, "We'll be safe." And then they go, "I guess so." And then he goes, "You'll be fine." Like in a real fucking, you're in trouble kind of way. (laughing) He'll be fine and they were like, "Fuck." And then you can see them like waiting for the bus being like. (laughing) Funny. People are trying to get refunds. Can I get the Bolivian refund, please? But how are you guys with. 'Cause I'm just fucking howling laughing. But he's so dead serious. Yeah. And I'm like, (laughing) "Can you pull off, Franks? Joe, are you a pranky guy?" I got to be honest with you. I'm so shit-faced. I didn't know that was a prank. I'd told you this one. (laughing) I was like, "Holy shit, the Civil War's happening." (laughing) He's literally googling it. That's fucking crazy. (laughing) Wait. You were joking, right? Yeah, that's the story. So we're down Carlos Mincee to calm things down. (laughing) No, that's. No, I'm terrible. I'm terrible, Franks. I laugh too hard. It's, I give it away. Well, a girl pulled a prank on you last year. (laughing) Surprise! That was the last one. Yeah. She pulled it on purpose. (laughing) Yeah, no, I'm terrible at it. I can't, I can't keep a street face. I'm terrible at lying, and yeah, I'm very. You can't keep a handsome face either. (laughing) Boom. Wow. You're very handsome, boy, Joe. You're very handsome, boy. Why don't you go fuck yourself? Okay. (laughing) Wow, he's really mad at me, because I don't dress as a woman. (laughing) You're about two fetish ticks down the list, buddy. (laughing) We'll get you eventually. Oh, man. (laughing) Woo! That's a small world. (laughing) You get it, Franks? Can you do pranks? Well, I am pretty good at pranks, 'cause, you know, I can really hold a straight face after God pulled a prank on me. I feel like I'm pretty good at it. (laughing) Oh, those hands of you guys have are crazy. (laughing) Small hands, that's why I love masturbating. My dick finally looks big. (laughing) And they're puffy. Yeah. Are they? (laughing) Oh, no one told you. (laughing) Shit. You shot that joke right out of a cannon. (laughing) Don't talk about my ancestors that way, Greg. (laughing) Now, where yet on We-Man? Do you guys have beef? (laughing) No, he's good. He's like, no, he's great. He's awesome. Actually, the last time I was here in New Orleans, that was a great joke. No, they totally wouldn't. (laughing) Sorry. I got it too late. Sorry. No, me and We-Man are good. It's that fucking dink-less thing. So they got us. Oh, dink-less! Yeah. That fucking cunt. Dude. Yeah. I'm friends with Dylan. We get it, you're famous. (laughing) Dylan? Dylan. Horn swaggle. Yeah, Horn swaggle from WWE. Yeah. I see him at the meetings. Yeah, you can. (laughing) You guys all hate dink-less. Yeah, we all really fucking hate dink-less. You fucked that snow white shit up for you. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. 'Cause he got Disney to not cast dwarves as dwarves. Damn. It's no white. Yeah, so we've been replaced by CGI. They did a CGI short face. (laughing) What? No, did you, did you know this? So it was so funny. So Peter Dinklage did an interview. Now he's dwarfs complaining for me. (laughing) - We man, we man, we man, we man, we man. - Dwarfs complaining, we call it a smaltark. (laughing) - Dinklage, Dinklage, Dinklage, Dinklage. - All right. Mark, it's just a little chatter. - We're really burning this guy. It's a smolakost. (laughing) - All right, that's a lot of fun. - You burn this up in microwaves. - I know, I know, I know. (laughing) - Wow. - They put him in an easy bake oven. (laughing) - Damn dwarfs. (cheering) - All right, I got offended. (laughing) - That guy's out there.
He's like, I don't like this shit. - All right, so he said, but like, think of what you did an interview where he said, he goes, I thought we were supposed to be progressing and now they're making Snow White live action and seven dwarves, excuse me, and he got offended. So then Disney, it's the funniest thing I've ever seen. Disney said, oh shit, oh fuck, we gotta kick all these little people out of the movie that we already have. All these rich little people with all their jobs. - Yeah. (laughing) - And they replaced all the little people with CGI, like weird monsters and stuff. - Yeah. - I wanted to be looking more fucked up than actual dwarves. And then the pictures of the weird creatures came out and everybody was like, what the fuck is this? So then they just made CGI little people. - Yes. - So no everybody got fucked, everybody got fucked. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. - It's one of the craziest things I've ever seen. - Yeah. - So he fucked his little brother in. - Yeah. - That's crazy. - Yeah. - He doesn't want any other dwarf actors to work, apparently. - But he was in Game of Thrones, he was a King of Warf. - He was in the most offensive movie about little people of all time called tiptoes. - Yeah. - If you've ever seen, if you've never seen the movie tiptoes. - That's hilarious. - It's streaming on Amazon Prime. I want everyone to go out and watch this movie. It stars Peter Dinklage, it stars Matthew McConaughey, it stars Kate Beckinsale, and in the preview, it says, and in the role of a lifetime, Gary Oldman. Because Gary Oldman plays a fucking dwarf in the movie. But they didn't CGI anything. They literally just like put his shoes on his knees and tied his arms back. - Like Dwarf? - Yes. - Yeah, they didn't have the technology yet to do the fucking Peter Jackson word of the ring shit. - Yeah. - So they were like crawling around on your knees. - Yeah, so they got like Gary Oldman behind a table, like half the fucking movie. - Hey, was this a short film? - Yeah. - Yeah. - Hell yeah. - Greg, Greg, Greg. - All right, come on. - I'm just mad they didn't cast me in it. - Yeah, right? - Yeah, no, it is wild, man. I feel like Dinklage really kind of fucked you guys. - Yeah, he's not allowed at the meetings anymore. - Hey, Tuesday stories brought to you by Skims. You know, we love that Skims. Boys, if you're not getting comfy in some skims, you're missing out. Skims has got briefs, boxer briefs, knitboxers and trunks. Each one silky soft and durable. Finally, you'll get the comfort of ladies. Or comfort the ladies have known about for years. Skims even has a line of sleepwear just for the boys. We love skims. Got some for me. Got some for the lady. She was impressed. We look great. We feel great. I love 'em. Only underwear I wear. We used to like this other group, but now we like Skims. Stock up on their three and five packs of undies, so you never run out with loungewear socks and tank skims is about to take over your whole wardrobe. Shop skims mens at skims.com. Let them know we sent you. After you place your order, select, after you place your order, select podcast in the survey and select Tuesdays or Stories in the drop-down menu. And if you're looking for the perfect gift this season, then skims holiday shop is now open at skims.com. - Hi, folks. Tuesdays or Stories is brought to you by Mood. Stop being stressed. What are you doing being stressed? That's silly. Get into a good headspace with Mood. Mood is the online source for 100% federally legal cannabis. Boy, I wasn't sure what that sentence was going. - Yeah, you got that right. - This is barely legal, baby. They grow on small American farms, no pesticides, no BS, and they can ship to most states in the US. Mood has edibles, flowers, vapes, pre-rolls and even THC beverages. You know, you guys know how much I love weed. - You never shut up about the Huck McGonja. - I am Mr. weed. I love cannabis. I eat it, drink it, smell it, snort it. I put it right in my ass. I love Mood. Guys, this is 100% federally legal. We swear to God, it's awesome. Seriously, I mean, every night before bed, I need a big ol' bag of weed. - Yeah. - You wreak of Mary Jane right now. Mood's sleepy time. Gummy's knocked you out in 15 minutes flat. - You got that right. - And they're epic, you four, yeah. We'll probably should check before we start reading these. And the epic, you four, your gummies are perfect for when you need a boost. So if you wanna go to sleep, you take a sleepy, you wanna boost, you take a boosty. - I love it. - I take drugs to boost me up. Best of all, Mood stands behind everything with an industry leading 100 days satisfaction guaranteed. Get 20% off your first order at Mood.com with code Tuesdays. Again, that's code
[email protected] for 20% off your first order. Mood.com, code Tuesdays. - Mood products are, Mood products are only for adults aged 21 and over. - Boo. Okay folks, chubbies. We love chubbies. I'm wearing them right now. Literally, this is a chubby shirt. They make great stuff. And so the holiday season looks sharp for family gatherings this year at chubbies. They got all the cold weather essentials, their flannels, pullovers, quarter zips, and newly dropped winter jackets are going to look great on you. I wore one last night, it's got the fur on the collar, black jean jacket, love it. Killer stuff. Their pants are great. Their bathing suits are great. The shirts are great. I got some killer polos. I really do love chubbies. I'm not just saying that. I love that quarter zip. I feel like a golfer out there. I feel like I own crypto. While you're at it, check out the new NFL by chubbies collection with stretch polos and swim trunks for all 32 NFL teams. You'll have a gift for any sports fan on your list. For a limited time, chubbies is giving our fans 20% off your purchase at chubbies with the promo code Tuesdays at checkout. But if it's Black Friday, skip the code and take advantage of even bigger markdowns during their exclusive Black Friday sale, just head to chubbies.com. Make sure you support the show and tell them Tuesdays with stories. Set ya, chubbies. But also, we had this whole thing, we're like trans. People have to play a trans character. Gabe, whatever it was. What about the midge? You know? Sorry, he can't concentrate. He said trans. He got hard. No, but-- well, I do think that's a little-- I agree. I don't like it. But it was-- that was going on. I wasn't even trying to be funny. I was just a little. It's a little different to put Gary all been on his knees. Oh, sure, sure. That's a little different than if somebody was going like, I'm strapping up playing a gig. I said he's sweet, and that no movie. We're very bad, and he's just playing a lesbian. Yeah, boy, how about that interview, huh? Oh, I didn't see it. Oh, I made her hotter. They were like, do you want to apologize for being a white supremacist? And she was like, no, I love burning crosses. Or whatever she said. Wow, that's a pretty good quote. I'll send it to you. Peter Stinklage. That's what I call him. [APPLAUSE] Thank you. None of us would get a word in him with jokes like that. He sat like he was in a trance for the last three minutes, and then that just came out. Like, it took all that focus to come up. I've been sitting on Stinklage, baby. Don't say trance again. Tell the others, I don't want to set you up, and then it's like not a-- but there was another funny story. Oh, the penis. Oh, yeah, yeah. So my friend's gay, and which really is just saying, I'm gay. Now, my friend's gay, and we're walking back from that party they had the opening night. And we run into these people on the street, these two couples. And the woman is on LSD. And her jaw is this way. And her eye-- she looks like a Picasso painting. Oh, wow. One second. What's a jaw? [LAUGHTER] It's a great movie from the '70s. And so she says, you're not gay, and he goes, yeah, I'm gay. She goes, I don't believe it. And so she reaches down, and she grabs my friend's dick and starts massaging it. Whoa. You ain't gay. And the husband's there, and he goes, she going to get you? [LAUGHTER] And for like a minute, she just kept rubbing his dick, and then he finally went, yeah, I'm kind of getting something. Wow. Yeah. I would love the way, if that's how it works. If that was the test, if a guy just starts rubbing my dick, and I'm like, that was it, I'm gay. Or Joe, is that how it works? [LAUGHTER] You jerk one dick off, and now you're gay. No, I've jerked one dick off. You have jerked two dicks off. [LAUGHTER] Yeah. Thank you. Yeah. I don't know why the audience hates these when they come out on the podcast. I know. There's 300 people chanting on their car. So was the dawns bigger or the same or smaller than yours? Oh, we talked about this in the bonfire earlier. Bigger. Oh. Bigger. That's tough. And you're still able to perform? Well, no, as I said earlier, I don't want to go to a restaurant and eat a meal that I could make myself. [LAUGHTER] Give me some expertise. Well, it was the restaurant. Long John Silver.
(laughing) - Bart Darksof was it Dicks? - The Dicks, Dicks last for sure. (laughing) - Thank you. - Mark, you're like the opposite of Byron Allen, with the question so was his dick bigger than your dick? You don't hear Byron saying that a lot on his show. - Oh yeah, he sucks. - Oh, he's the guy. - Oh, he's a great guy. - I know but I did his show and he really hated me. - He got my back really hard once. - Oh, you fucked him too? (laughing) - Wait, I met my friend. He got my front really hard once. (laughing) - No, he got my back. - Oh, so you're the bottom. - No, he got my back, man. I was, okay, so I did a back one podcast where a brand new thing. I auditioned for a last comic standing in New York. - How'd that go? - You guys remember that? I did, yeah. - I got them. - Yeah, remember, and it was-- - Greg Geroldo. - I did it when it was Kathleen Madigan and Ant. - Oh, wow. - I remember Ant? - Yeah, yeah, sure. - Okay, so Ant was really, really shitty to me. - Mm. - And then Patch was in kind. - What's that? - Alright, go ahead. - Oh. (laughing) And then Patrick Mill, again, who's the guy that books the stand in New York City, he called me and he goes, "Hey, I have a podcast." This is back when you had to put, your podcast are like my space. - Oh, yeah. - There was like no other place for me. And he goes, "I have a podcast. It goes, do you want to talk about your experience or last comic standing?" And I did, and I trashed Ant, and I was like, "He was a fucking dickhead to me." And blah, blah, blah. So anyway, cut to a month later, I'm supposed to do comics and leads with Byron Allen, and I'm supposed to be on the same episode with Ant. And Ant was like a regular on the show, and the producers of Byron Allen called me and they said, "Hey, there's a problem." And I said, "What's the problem?" And they said, "Ant said he won't go on the show with you." - Oh, wow. - So we have to get rid of you. And I said, "Well, fuck it." Then fuck him, he's an asshole, whatever, I don't know what to tell you. And then they called me back and they said, "Actually, Byron said, you don't tell me what to do on my show, and I'm moving you, and I'm keeping Joe, and he kept me on the fucking show." - Whoa! - Yeah. - Like the man. That's a fucking G-moved dude. - Oh, man. - He didn't know me. He didn't know me at all, and he knew Ant, and he was like, "You don't fucking tell me what to do with my fucking show." - I take it back. Comics Unleash is a fantastic program. - Yeah. - But how fucking cool is that, right? - Very cool. - And then he had you on, and immediately regretted his decision. - Yeah. - Did I ever tell you about it? - Yeah, then I went on it with these fucking queers. Let me tell you. - He was like, "Oh, Jesus." - I was on Byron Out, you'll appreciate this. Joe was on Byron Out, comics Unleash. And it was me, and I can't remember the comics, but it was like three black comics. They were kind of high energy. They were killing. And I was just going like, "Hey, will you ever be nervous?" So I don't think. And then-- - Like, Silly Wonka, nothing. - Byron goes, "I'm sitting right here. This is Un Byron. I'm there." He goes to the warm-up guy. He goes, "Hey, make sure you really juice them up, like, right before the joke, especially." And he just knocked like that. Right in front of me, he's like, "Let's fucking." And I was like, "Sorry, I don't know." - Yeah. - Yeah. - It was a slumber. - Artie Lang, you always make fun of the craziest transition that Byron Out will have to do. - You don't know the show. It's for people, and they all have their jokes prepared. And he just turns, and he goes, "So, I heard you bought a camper. Hey, I heard you went to Disney World. You just set you up for your jokes." - You feed him the setups. - Yeah, and Artie Lang had the funniest one that he pointed out. John Loebitz was on the show, and Byron out goes, "John, I hear you're getting older." (laughing) - Yeah, we all are. (laughing) - It's inevitable, Byron. - Well, he got mad at me because it's such a cheesy show, and I felt so silly doing that. It's so forced that he was like, "So, Mark, I hear you have a dog." And I was like, "Nah, who told you that?" (laughing) And he was like, "Uh, well, we're told you have a dog." I heard, and I was like, "No, I hate dogs." And he's like, "So." - Didn't you keep calling him Brian? Also, I called him Brian. - Yeah, I called him Brian. - Yeah. - And then, also, this is the early days of our podcast. We both went on and just trashed the show. Oh, that's right. And they were like, "Hey, the Booker guy is after you." And we had to run and be like, "Does anyone not have to lead a podcast?" - Yeah, it was a lawsuit. - By the time he got to the podcast, it just went, we went like, "Yeah, I did comics unleashed." My mother is a real weird, like, it's just a big jump in the episode. It was like, "You mother fuckers." - He's dead, that guy. - He's a nice guy, he's a nice guy. - He's super nice, yeah. - He owns the Weather Channel, which I thought was the, you know. (laughing) - Jews. - Ah, (laughing) Byron Ellen. - Great, did you just turn off? (laughing) - Sometimes you get angry through the punch line and you just go, "I don't believe in this one." - Oh, absolutely. - This guy, you want to tell your kid I bring, yeah? - Yeah. - I mean, I was going to say, this guy's worked for some TV shows. - Oh, we got into that. - Oh, yeah, you worked for Ellen. - Well, I was a writer on the Ellen show for the first two seasons. And I talked about it on, we might be drunk. And Page Six of the New York Post picked it up and then Fox News ran the clips for two days. - Two days? - And I'm under a non-disclosure agreement. I can lose my fucking house. - What? - So yeah, let's talk about it some more. (laughing) - She moved to England, you're good. - Yeah, you're fine. - You're good. - She misses, when all that shit came out about Ellen, it was well, 'cause I was writing on the Pete Homes show and we were on the Paramount Lot and Ellen was on the Paramount Lot before I entered the shit broke. And it's okay. So when you work on a lot in Hollywood and you run on a TV show, there's a commissary. - Don't you speak them, Joe. - Huh? - Don't you speak them. - Do you speak them? - Wait, it's like I'm a show business. - I'm not talking about the weather. (laughing) We're off the window. Yeah, no, but when you work on a studio lot, there's a commissary and everybody's lunch there. And it's like a fucking high school cafeteria. And you go in and you hear all the stories from what happened that day. In school, in the three stories out here about where two broke girls, Rebel Wilson, and Ellen, and every single day, it would be like somebody cried in Ellen again. (laughing) And we knew we were like, she's a fucking monster. And then when all the shit broke, I was like, that's fucking wild. - Well she moved to England, but I think it was just because she wanted to be somewhere where being called a cunt is like a good thing. (laughing) It's a term of endearment. - She is a cunt, you are what you eat. (laughing) - It's weird though, when you hear a thing before the thing breaks. - Yeah. - Then the thing breaks and you know. - Yeah, I like that a lot. - I was in a-- - I was in the weeds over here. - That's not like an SAT problem. (laughing) - You hear a thing and then another thing. - And then before the thing. - If I could transunder person. - I was in a limo once after a comedy show with Jimmy Doran, James Adomean, and the limo drummer goes, "I get to drive a lot of famous people." And we go, come on, tell us a story. - Yeah. - And he goes, "You guys know Tiger Woods?" We go, "Of course, he goes." He loves to fuck hookers. - Wow. - And we were like, "Get the fuck outta here." What are you talking about that two years later? The news was like, "This is breaking. "Tiger Woods likes to fuck hookers." (laughing) - Holy shit, that was right. - How many? - Four fuckers, sorry. - There you go. - No, that's just how you would rate them. (laughing) - Well, how long did everybody know the cause be rumor before the story came out? That seemed like it was the worst kept. - I didn't hear anything about it. In fact, I was on Bennington. The day it came out and they played the Hannibal video. And I was on the radio being like, "Fuck Hannibal, "what a piece of shit." (laughing) I was like, "He's full of shit, he's jealous." - Man, take him all the right moves. - Byron Allen Hannibal Burst. - I'm sorry. - You're pissing off all the popular blacks. - I literally was like, "He's out of his mind. "Cosby raised me. "What a piece of shit." And then like two days later, they were like, "Yeah, he's a rape and all that shit." - Well, it was awesome. - Yeah, I tried to leave that podcast too. But you can't blame me. - The initial two allegations were on his Wikipedia page forever. And that's what Hannibal was talking about. - Oh wow. - They were on his Wikipedia page forever. But Cosby's one of those things, nobody talks about it, and then as soon as, again, I was in writer's rooms at the time. As soon as it happened, I remember going into work on that Monday and going, "Guys, do you think this is true?" And everybody was like, "Oh, yeah, it's true." Anyway, my friend worked on Cosby and he would go, "Bill came in every Monday going, "We got to go to the cookie-jaw to pay another lady." They were like, "Whoa!" - Like, yeah, I was like, "Holy shit, "everybody knew about this, yeah." - Underrated impression. - I actually think it got quiet 'cause people were like, "God damn." - That's it. - Thank you. - Ooh, don't put the bell to me. - Yeah. (laughing) - I got that. Oh, no, I got that right out of the video. Whoops. - That was better. - You shouldn't have complimented you. - You lost it. - You know what I mean? - You turned into Tom Waits. (laughing) You're like, "Ah!" Do it again, let's see if you could split the difference. - I know, he's gonna go, "I got to go on the two days with the story." (laughing) - You're back. - And tell the story about how I raped a woman. (laughing) That's what I was gonna say. And it didn't work the second time either. - You got to go on the two days' stories. - There you go. - Is that good? - That was good. - Sometimes I think I'm more talented than I think. Don't ever do that, Joe. (laughing) (imitating growling) - Hey! - That's too much of a joke.
Yeah That's what the women sounded like Which women the Cosby women. Oh Come on guys, that was a good joke. Oh Come on. We got to pick it up. We're telling guy. We're telling you that was a good joke guys Was it not we know comedy better than you that was very very good. It goes. It was a great joke By the way that guy really didn't come back. No, he's dead. We were using racial slurs He was defying and then we made like a pun about about a midget A midget. He's like, all right. I got to get out of here This is very triggering for him. Yeah, who sits in the front row and then leaves besides that guy The fun part was when he left he like did the duck down thing as he was walking on the midget joke like it's a helicopter. Yeah How about the blind guy? He's still with us Hey, he can't go anywhere. Yeah Oh, Jesus. Hey Jane, holy hell Sure, who the hell is this lady there she is. Oh, wow. Do you have any can I get some milk? Okay, how did we get a naked lady? Yeah, nice to see you. Oh, yeah, yeah. How come your boobs are out? I don't know he wants Jury's out. She's still got her pants on The other guy Can that go on YouTube you think yeah, you can put push on YouTube. Oh, all right George No, it's wild. I'm seeing bear pussy on Instagram now. Are you guys seeing this shit? No, I swear Are you where did you come from this is crazy? We're running late. This is the next Festival My mom finally showed up The Brad make my wish come true You guys stayed in the quarter and Brad I assume you're in a tree Yeah, don't you all right. Thank you. That was great No, I don't drink, but I love Ditz. This is wonderful. Sure My whoa, that went right in the ear Wow Hold on he's hard Oh great one fell out. No, I didn't fall out. That's the side thing. Sorry No, they're great. They're very nice. I got to keep these on Zach Amico was spread eagle nude on a couch yesterday, but I 800 people and his tits are bigger Yeah, thank you. Well, I'll enjoy women. Thank you Doroso will enjoy guys Do you know I'm not kidding who the fuck was that I'm also confused. No, who was that? That's just shows women could just get topless to go anywhere they want Oh For blind guy Can you hear tits really well It is so funny to me. She's like I got to leave these on. I'm like we did a four-hour naked show. There was Anyways, they were at work by the way. We're at work. They're bringing alcohol Chicks are walking by topless. Somebody had to be mushrooms before we got on They're giving us every drug that they need here except those ampec. This is This is the best fest of all time. Yeah, I mean come on. This is the shit. Yeah, let's get back to New Orleans It is It is funny because remember do you remember when madmen first came out? Yeah, madmen Yeah, yeah, when that first came out I had a bunch of friends would be like man work was crazy in those These guys would have a martini at lunch. I'm like do you know what the fuck Good boy What for work for that would not fly on madmen They would kill you if you do that. I always laugh about that when comedy clubs have Christmas parties to like We're gonna get together. Let our hair down a little We're gonna give out a few free drinks, right? Okay. Yeah, we've got a waitress. You guys have been working hard all year We're gonna really have some fun. So the point is it's not an office. You're drinking all Year anyway, can we get the mics up a little bit. I think this Volume stuff that was that that was all thing with the went back when the comedy club Christmas parties would happen in New York that was like your one night where you're like I've wanted to look up with this waitress all year You would you would really try to make it happen on that one day. I think you'd strike out horribly and then you just go for the waiter You know what stop cheering so much against me Only one time did I really try to hook up with the comedy club employee and I shit in her shoe and felt her living room table Big over one. What's wait? What that's the shoe story? Yeah, how do we're shit? We're sure lines really? Yeah Oh, is that why it shut down? And then I had to go I had to go see her like the next Monday. I had to come to a spot And I was like hey See the bartender no she was the girl upstairs Why did you shit in her shoe ever with that's what happened? Where do you shit? I don't know. I thought I was at the toilet I think How big was her foot? Where's this toilet? It's gonna make you swoosh on it. This is weird No, I don't really remember but I think yeah, I think I just was like I got a shit and then I saw a black hole and shit in it. Oh, they say don't shit where you eat, but I guess if you shit in a shoe where you eat that's like an exception You will you're a foot guy, right Greg? I don't I'm not a foot guy. I don't oh god. He's got like a good foot. You got two of them I hate my feet, but no, I like I like foot fetish guys because it's an opportunity like I love tits And that's it's not how often a woman just walks in with tits sure, but flip flops are everywhere on the street good point You're a foot guy. There you go. Do you imagine how great my life would be if I was a foot guy? You're a three-foot guy Four foot four hell yeah 52 inches is the is five feet is the cut right four foot 11 is the cut I got to be four foot ten and below so if if you're four foot 11 You're just Asian Yeah, Danny DeVito's four foot 11. That's why he yeah, is that right? He is not yeah, he is not allowed to the meetings By the way, if you're from New Orleans next next July this is real the dwarf national convention will be And I am absolutely coming back that weekend as well But they're talking about when they say DNC Yeah, you didn't know Oh shit It's weird. I haven't been a dwarf conventions in so long because I've been married for eight years But back when I was single man those were fun. Oh really? Oh, I've been in a dwarf orgy whoa Really yeah Sardine box No, but it's great because then when the because then when it's done like we could literally all fit in the king bed We just twitch sideways and then we just all slept out It's fucking great. Wait, so you heard the stories about when they made Wizard of Oz in century city Do you know any of those stories? I mean, not like I don't know them personally or like, but they've all been passed around Yeah, much like there was there was a hotel in century city when they were shooting Wizard of Oz And apparently the little people just were fucking Fucking really like crazy, and they were like assaulting Judy Garland the whole time They were like putting their head up our dress and be like whoa Grabbing her teeth. She claimed that she claimed that they got like perfect. Yeah, really. No, she did. She really did That's what I know they work. Oh, I think you said I bet they were no, no, I'm telling you. Oh, okay. I'm sorry. You're telling me. No, they weren't No, I thought I'm sorry. I thought you said this might have I am all right. You ain't all right Joe they weren't they weren't getting pervy they were just hugging her and their heads happened to go right into her pussy Actually, I want to hug that lady if she could come back Yeah, she was piled out of her fucking What's a midget vagina like is it like a kids because that I get It's like a kids with hair I assume So this is true Every time every time I dated a dwarf woman, I would tell her you have to have a bush You have to I can't be with a dwarf woman and then it shaved down there, right? It's too because then I'm like holding up the little booties too Like I'm holding up the feet It's too fucking close Wait, are you circumcised? Yeah, holy shit that must have been hard to do
-Wow. -Best surgeon ever. -Yeah. -No, but have any of you guys ever fucked a dwarf? -No, I'm not against it. -No. -No, I fucked. The girl I got herpes from was, like, four-- What's the lady cut off? 'Cause she was right there, and then some of the people know the story. I fucked her on a playground at night. So from any distance, it looked like I was fucking a kid. I was, like, on top of a yellow slide, fucking a four-foot-knight woman at night. And I was actually, like, genuinely in the moment paranoid, like, I think this could be bad. 'Cause I think they shoot you if you just have a kid, like, fucking shit. They don't, like, arrest you. They fucking-- and she's wearing a Minnie Mouse shirt. It was really weird. Yeah, yeah. I didn't have a balloon, also, with me. And my clown nose on. My dick looked like a clown nose after herpes. I'm just gonna keep saying things until something happens. We lost Joe again. He fucking-- Oh, I'm just-- Oh, okay. Oh, we talked about fucking dwarves, and he hasn't done that yet. No, I'm just listening. I'm not against it. I'm just listening. Oh, okay, yeah, I'm just listening. Oh, wait, you tell the story. Funny good. I just-- [laughter] I got to be honest. I feel like I've talked a little too much, and I know my story's-- Oh, don't go there. Stay with them. Don't be doing great. No, no, no, no, don't think they're me out. I'm just saying, like, I was just trying to shut up and let everybody else talk for a minute. I was just following I was talking a lot. Okay, but you're fucked up, and I'm not. Your slice of the pie is very even. Okay, that's great. So stay out of your heads, you can-- Okay, great. Be you. I remember when you got herpes. Oh, shut the fuck up, would you? [laughter] Shut up, you're always talking. Yeah, shut up, yeah. She said, shut up, you're always talking. No, I remember when you got herpes. You told me, you go, I got herpes, and I go, how'd you get that? You go, I've been wanting to fuck that girl for a long-- for five years, and I finally got a chance to. And she said, I have a herpes outbreak, and you said, there's no way I'm not doing this right now. Well, that's the trick. If you have herpes, and you want to have sex with someone, wait, and you're a woman, wait till the-- or whatever, wait till they're hard, and naked, and then you go, I have herpes. Once your pot committed, you're not. She could've told me she had razor blades in her pussy. I would've been like, all right, well, this is going to be weird. You know? I just went ahead and did it. I agree. And then Soda, who's such a sweet, sweet boy, I had like fucking horrible outbreak. It was like, it's like blisters all of your dick, and I'm like, this is the worst that's ever happened to me. And Soda goes, I feel you, man. I've had some scares, and it's fucked up. And I'm like, no, I have it. It's not-- I'm not scared. I have fucking open swords. It's not like, ooh, I hope I don't. It'll be like, he's like, my dad's dead. And I'm like, dude, my dad went to work one day. So I feel you. Yeah. Damn. Is it under control now? It won't be the-- It is, but I think I just told this on the podcast before, but maybe it's not out yet. But anyway, I had an outbreak. You can take valtrex, and it's like a miracle drug. It just knocks it out. It's not a problem. But I ran out of valtrex, and I just put off getting more. And I was like, well, how bad can it be? I've had it for years. I don't need the pills. And it was fucking horrible. Wow. It's really, really awful. Now, when you take the valtrex, do you do the canoeing and the hiking and all this shit that's in the commercial jobs? You have to. Is that one of the stuff that works if you don't do it? You're that convertible with every race? That's almost worse than the herpes. Doc, I don't get it. I've been hiking, and I keep getting my herpes. I just fucking hate hiking. It's twice as long. You see a pebble. You're like, I'm fucked. [sings] I'm just so scared of large birds. Oh, yeah. They can swoop you. I know. Terrify. I assume that's all you got here. Dude, I did. Yeah. Fuck yeah. Uber has stepped their game up. You guys haven't tried Uber Owl? Oh, incredible. That's what the girls say when she's all Lewis. Who? What was Lewis dressed as, by the way? Papa Shango. Oh, the wrestler. Yeah, a wrestler. OK. Yeah, I don't know. Because Papa Shango's fucking awesome. But is it connected to me and that guy? Yeah. Well, he's a New Orleans voodoo shit. He would do voodoo on his opponents. Oh, I didn't know that. Yeah. Oh, shit. All right. Yes, wrestling nerd, right here. OK. I know shit. Every year, one of my favorite gigs besides this one is the Chris Jericho Rock and Wrestling Ranger at C. And it is comedy, pro wrestling, and heavy metal on a boat. It's fucking awesome. It's all our idea. [LAUGHTER] Yeah, Brad goes overboard. They throw material. Those cruises are wild. They are. That and, yeah, the wrestling cruise, not a lot of women. Sure. You know, Joe would love it. [LAUGHTER] There's not a lot of women on any of these cruises. You didn't get practical Joe cruise cruise. It's just not a lot of chicks on any of these cruises. It's a cruise, but the boat never leaves the dock because it's wrestling, so they don't actually really do it. [LAUGHTER] You know about semen. [LAUGHTER] Boy, we should go. Sure, you some bodega cat. I could use a cigar. Are you going to use a cigar? Oh, we got one. Yeah. By the way, can we get the bodega cat bottle that's been passed around that Joe list was sipping from right before his herpes started? The lady with the tits. The lady with the tits had it, and she took it away. It was out here, and she just took it. Wait, you're on mushrooms, aren't you? Nope. What happened? I'm on mushrooms. Oh, hell yeah. You are, aren't I? Oh, yeah. How are they treating you? They're good. They're good. Yeah, I feel like you're talking a lot, but I'm enjoying it. [LAUGHTER] Then you are high. Wow. That is a first. [LAUGHTER] I'm not going to lie. I've never tried mushrooms, and I'm kind of scared. I thought you lived under one. No. [LAUGHTER] Yeah. I'm scared. Like, it might be like Mario, and I'll eat one, and I'll grow. [LAUGHTER] There goes my fucking act. [LAUGHTER] Oh, look at that. He's a gyro. [INAUDIBLE] Eat him tonight if I'm gunna. Well, take advice from that guy. Yeah. The fucking two degrees away from Down syndrome is telling me to take my shirt right now. Let's go, buddy. That's a good dorf'sler. Down syndrome. [LAUGHTER] It really is. It's the downest of syndromes. I love how much conviction he said that. If you're going to try mushrooms for the first time, do it with 4,000 strangers that want a photo with you. Yeah. That will be anxiety-driven at all. Then have devil horns on their t-shirts. Oh, frick yeah. Yeah, anyway. Where are you from, sir? [INAUDIBLE] A box. Is your tongue swollen? Boy. Under the freeway. Ah, OK. That's called kioskies. Yeah. What's the town? Here's Cincinnati, Ohio. Trenton. Trenton. That's in New Jersey, sir. Capital. OK. All right, it's all I asked. Yeah. This is-- I also feel strongly you've been thrown out of all these places. You haven't moved. You've been asked to leave. My fucking-- my ears hurt from the brakes screeching. [LAUGHTER] Follow up question. Are you black? He's taking a long time to answer this. He couldn't-- he couldn't answer where he lives. Do you think he's going to identify his kind of brown face right now? Black guy, do you claim him? Can you tell? Is it like Gator? No. [LAUGHTER] He doesn't want to admit to anything, though. Oh, thank you. Oh, thanks. Should have forced the guards here. The cigar guy, not as attractive as the whiskey guy. No. Oh, shit, your drink's gone. Ah, fuck me in the ass. That's twice. God damn it. How well does the cigars? There? Joe, what movie is this? That's twice. I want some butts. Some what? That's you last year. No. It was Top Gun. Top Gun, anybody? Joe's a bottom gun. That was pretty good. Thanks. Sorry about the spilling. I like it. I was hoping I would get a wet thigh. I'm going to wet thighs. Where's that whiskey again? That was really something else. That was distracting. Yeah. Why is that guy standing up? You going to shoot us? Oh, no, it's all right. You can stand up. OK, like, he'll miss me. Wait, where were you asking us? I won't. It's over. He was black and he didn't have an answer. He didn't know. That was wild. He didn't know what he was. Wet nationality, are you, sir? Ethnicity, dummy. He's American. Ethnicity. Take it easy, Joe. I'm sorry. Take it easy. Oh, boy. You said you're Italian? This southern part? Africa? I think you just passed out in the Ferris wheel for a couple hours. Why, we really lost the crowd, but I'm having a great time up here. It's like a rotisserie grill. Oh, that's all right. Yeah.
(audience applauding) - You were talking about something. - Two months back. - I cut you off 'cause I asked about him. - I don't say I have no recollection of anything-- - Thank God. - I'm saying. (audience laughing) - No, I don't, what do you remember? - No, it's all right, it's-- - No clue? - Yeah, I got to remember. - I got nothing. - Okay, it's all right. - Do you hate when you're talking to somebody and then they'll lose their translate thought and they're like, "What was I talking about?" And then you have to be like, "I don't have any fucking idea." (audience laughing) No idea what you're talking about. That's every married man on this day is right now. - Yeah. - Oh fuck. - Am I the only not married man on this day? - Yeah, but give it like 30 minutes. (audience laughing) - Do you guys like being married? I mean-- - I hate it. (laughing) - Yeah, that's great. - You don't have to worry about getting laid or if it's a man. (audience laughing) - Or having fun or enjoying my life. - What are you kidding? - No, it's great. And then I married to tall women. So now like, I could put things on shelves and they get got, it's awesome. (laughing) Before, I was just like, I can never be with a dwarf woman 'cause it's like, I have a light bulb burns out. We're fucked. (laughing) - Yeah, how many dwarves of you banged? - Ooh. - And they count as one? - Yeah. - You were fucked too with a trench coat on? (laughing) - Yeah, it was a one and a half sum. (laughing) - Yeah, somewhere between like a baker's dozen. - Oh, okay. - So 15 feet worth. (laughing) - If I could lay the men to end. (laughing) - We lost another couple. - Oh, damn it. - Greg, you've been married for quite some time. How do you like it? - 25 years. It's, it's-- - Jew broad. - I'm fucking, yeah, I'd married you broad. (laughing) - So yours can put things on Shell's mind as the taxes. (laughing) - Sure. - No, it's great, it's great. It's, it is weird to think sometimes that I am currently having sex with a 59 year old woman. - Wow. - I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm 59 too, but that's her fucking problem. - But I-- (laughing) - Imagine my wife, she fucks a bitch. (laughing) Every time. (laughing) She looks at me and goes, I have to fuck him the rest of my life. - Oh, well, God fucked you first. - Yeah, he did. (laughing) - Brad, it's not every time. (laughing) (laughing) - What are you, the joke is she's cheating on it. - Yes. - That was the joke. - Oh, fucking other people. Okay, boy. - Greg, Brad's more of a shower than a grower. (laughing) - Does she have a fetish or does she actually like you? - She actually-- (laughing) - Jesus Christ. - When she met me, I was doing morning radio, so she at first just heard my voice. - Oh, no. - And then-- (laughing) - I know, 'cause I don't sound like one. - Yeah. - You know, I'm not on the radio like, - We can all do that, Joe, okay, just so you know. - It's like Byron Allen being black. You'd never fucking know if he was on the radio. - All right, right, right. - Well, yeah, we matched on a dating app called. - What the fuck? - Okay. Yeah, we called a field, F-E-L-D. Okay, some of you know. - Field. - Yeah. (laughing) That's an alternative lifestyle dating app. - Oh. - Yeah, so Joe, you're on the radio. - I thought you were gonna say what's called front lawn. (laughing) - Get it, 'cause there's nomes on the front. God damn it. Come on, guys. Come on. Anthony from the old OBE and Anthony show had the best line ever when he heard that I met my wife on a dating app. It was I hate blacks. (laughing) - What's your problem? - He likes young women, so he better on little field. (laughing) - Yeah, when he found out that my wife is tall, he called me Uncle Tom Thumb. - Oh, that's great. That's great. And then Bobby Lee said the app that I met her on was called Thumble. - Hey, I love it. - How long have you been married? 'Cause apps? - You're not too long, right? - Eight years. - Oh wow. - Yeah, it's like 14 and dwarf. (laughing) She's a five foot seven, sir. - Oh, she's a normal. - I know. I go up on her. (laughing) - Joe, why don't you get, why don't you settle down? Why don't you get married? Find yourself a nice girl. I'm not against it. - Yeah. - I'm not against it. I would love to find the right woman and actually settle down. I'm kind of tired of being single, to be honest. - I bet. - Right woman? (laughing) - I'm sure we could find one right here at Skankfest. - Oh yeah. - A nice woman for you to settle down with. - Any blind women. (laughing) - Does anybody want to marry me? - That lady right there is very sexy and just clapped and said, "Woo!" - Come on up, are you single? - Oh. - Come on up! - Oh! - Mama! - That is a good looking woman. - Yeah, I love the tattoo. How big is your clit? (laughing) 'Cause it's gonna have to be pretty big. - Do we have another microphone? I can give one up. - Would you be at all interested in going out this slightly more creepy Jared from Subway? (laughing) - I love Joe, so. - Everybody loves Joe. - How do you feel about Joe? You like him, you love him? - I love him. - What do you, what, ask why? (laughing) - We're sick in the head. - I get you, man. - Oh, she's a keeper. - Yeah. - I get you too. - Are you into the sleeve? 'Cause I think the sleeve is very hot personally. - Yeah, I love the sleeve. - And you're very tatted up also. - I've got some tats, yeah. - One swastika. (laughing) - Does that bother you? - The choice to put them all on one side of your body is mildly disturbing. - It's just leaving and one tit. You've got one tit done. - Did you run out of money? - No, it all connects. - It all connects. - It all connects. - Ooh. - How far around your back does it go? - I don't believe you. (laughing) - And then I have back tattoos. - Now, have a lot of tattoos. - Have you ever dated or hooked up with a comedian in the past? - I have not. - Oh, hey. - No. - Now when you came here, did you think there's a chance maybe you'll hook up with a comedian? - Absolutely not. - Then maybe cross your mind. - No. - And then you just saw this guy and you're like, yes, that is what I'm into. - Well, I'll reject from Best Buy's Nerd Squad. (laughing) - Hey, what the fuck, man? - Yeah. - China. - I haven't been shitin' on you. He's guys been breakin' your tiny balls all night. I've been givein' you any shit. - I'm trying to make this broad. You wanna help him out? (laughing) - I wanna date a guy who looks like he's videotaping me with his glasses. (laughing) - Shut up. - So you were the guy who was calling me. - He looks like a paper boy with that old man disease. (laughing) - I just can't reach the driveway anymore. (laughing) - You do have a Benjamin button towards the end of the film look. (laughing) - No, the beginning. - The beginning, excuse me, I'm sorry. I forget it in the movies. It's a little fucked up myself. I can't stop doing Goodfellas references, I'm sorry. Maybe it's me, I'm a little fucked up myself. (laughing) - On your good side. - Now, what's that? - Only your good side. - Oh my God, look at that! It was a good fellas. - Look at that. - She fucked up the line, but she's a girl. - She's a nice girl, she's a nice girl. - Now let me, this is why I think this might work because when we said Joe, you didn't do a big, it was kind of a genuine like, oh, that's how I felt. I caught it and it felt like a real, oh my God, I like Joe. Is that, am I reading this? - I love Joe. - Oh, great eyebrow. - There you go. - Where you at on pegging? (laughing) - I've been told I give Dominic Tricks 5. - Oh! - There you go. - Oh, okay. - Okay. - Okay, okay, okay. (laughing) - Why don't you exchange, no, we can't make this the whole show, but why don't you exchange numbers and we'll see what happens? - Yeah, after this. - Well, because she could be a lunatic. (laughing) - No idea. - That is a lovely lady. - Take her on the Ferris wheel. It's a lovely evening guest. - You take my number, you call me. Maybe we have a nice dinner together or something like that. - Dinner, that's one day left in the festival. You got a fuck tonight, yes, I go. (laughing) - Come on, Joe. - Dinner. - What do we have, so is it Skankfest. (laughing) - Where do you, what's your name, miss? - Gina. - Gina. - Gina. - Never mind. - Gina. - Gina. I'm trying to eat over here. (laughing) Let's roll with Gina. Gina stinks. - What? - Whoa. - That's the Elizabeth, something like that. - That's my sister's name. - Oh, what a little bit. - My name is Laura Elizabeth. - Oh, that's the fuck on it. Get a little bit though. - Yeah. - Yeah. - Badie. - Badie. - Badie. - Badie. - Badie. - Liz. - Or badie. - Yeah. - Tore her ACL. - Oh good. - We're still coming to Skankfest. - You told her ACL? - Yeah. - That's awesome. Joe loves it when you can't run away. (laughing) - Joe, you can lick her orthopedic boots. That's kind of hot. (laughing) - Holy moly stuff. - Will you both fuck you? - You're the sister. - That's a little weird. - You don't want to have a threesome with your sister. - Yeah, it is. - I love that you think it's only a little weird. (laughing) - Where'd you gals come from? - From Las Vegas. - Oh. - Sorry, we left you. - Fuckin' him as a gamble. So. - Hey, oh. - Folks.
- Psycho phone keeps cutting it in out. - What are you guys doing Vegas? - I work in finance. - Finance. - He in finance. - Yeah. (laughing) - How about you, Gina? - Right now I have a customer service type job and I'm a school to the commoners. - How old are you? - 33, just turned 33. - I mean, what do you mean by a customer service type job? Who's that? - I work for Enterprise, it's like office. - Oh, the Starship Enterprise, Joe. - You love that shit? - You work for the car company, what do you do for them? - So I actually, funny enough, I do title and registration for the state of Louisiana for fleet management. - Oh, you know about cars, he loves tranny fluid. (laughing) - Hey, can he rent you just for the night? (laughing) - I'm sorry, I got friends and family discount code. (laughing) - Put on a strap on and leave the driving to her. (laughing) - Joe pick 'em up. - Yeah. (laughing) - That's what you work for Enterprise and what do you do? - Edward Jones, I'm a financial advisor. - Oh, Edward Jones, that was a guy you booked. (laughing) - Edward Jones is good. - Yeah, one of the best. - One of the best. (laughing) - That's good finance. - Yeah. - That's my favorite finance. (laughing) - Edward Jones. (laughing) If Edward Jones were here, I would say, "Dude, thank you for the finance." (laughing) - Excellent. (laughing) - Holy J. All right, well, you guys, we should get, Louis, you guys can fist fight for a date or something, whatever we do at the stupid festival. - I think it's only Gina who's in Joe Joe. - Yeah, Elizabeth. - I'm Mary, both sisters. I think we have a three-way marriage. - Well, we're in the South. - I keep trying for sister-wise myself, but it's not working out. - Yeah. - We'll do sister-wise. - You will! (laughing) - Now, have you ever made out with each other or anything? - No! - Did you hear this? - What? - You hear this guy over here? - No. - She goes, "We'll do sister-wise." And one guy under his breath in the status where he goes, "That's weird." (laughing) - That's where he draws the line here, it's gangfest. Drops. - I've had enough of this. That's enough, gangfest. - Elizabeth, your single as well? - I am. - Oh, baby. - This fellow-- - Or a blind guy. He's missing all the action. - Blind guy, you single? - Oh, what do you, what do you like? Braille porn? - You ever fuck a blind guy? - No, no. - What do you say? - What do you say? - Oh, cellulite's like Braille. - That's good. - That's not bad joke. - That's not bad, it's those Joe's Herpes. - Yeah. (laughing) - He would grab Joe's leg and go, "This is infected." (laughing) - This is a story of a girl. - All right, sister-wise it is, we're gonna get married, the three of us. I don't wanna move to Vegas, I'm sorry. - You wanna live? - How do you feel about Phoenixville, Pennsylvania? - Never, very specific. - Never been. - Never been. - Oh, listen. - You're gonna show me around. - There's a great sandwich there. - Oh, you can, it'll be fine. You can work for Ed Hardy there or wherever the fuck that guy's name was. (laughing) - Actually can't. - And they've got an enterprise, I've seen it. (laughing) - They're everywhere. - Yeah, they're everywhere. All right, I think we just found my life. - Yeah. - I think we got something here. - All right, Gina, you're in, baby. - Gina. - Elizabeth, we'll find something for you. The blind guy seems very interested. - Oh yeah. - You can't stop staring at the ceiling. (laughing) - And I just say, hey, Joe, I don't wanna sell you out. But, but I will. - Well, we had a conversation earlier where you told me that a woman here at the festival. - Uh-oh. - DM Joe. - Oh, wait, can I just interrupt real quick? If you sell him out, it'd be the first time he's sold out. (laughing) - Greg. - Greg. - Can I say this? - I feel like you're about to say something you shouldn't say. - Okay, I'm not gonna say that. - Yeah. - Which means you should say it. - Someone DM Joe, a lady DMed him. We'll edit it out. - You're gonna say it. - Who gives a shit? - All right, so Joe, Joe gets excited because his girl at the festival, and she DMed me a picture of her tits. - You sure was. - Well, I kept it private. I didn't show it. - She, no, no, no. And I immediately go, can I see it? And then he looked at me suddenly with this austerity of a town elder, and he's like, one doesn't do that. You don't share that. - Well, 'cause you don't. - It was nice. - I felt like a piece of shit. You shamed me. - You shamed your fucking piece of shit. - At that time, did I felt like I'm fucking married. And I was like, I'm such a piece of garbage. And then Mark comes over, and I go, somebody DMed him a picture of their tits and Mark immediately goes, can I see it? (laughing) - He showed me. - No, he didn't. - No, he didn't. - No, I did not. I would never, I would never do that anytime. I feel very strongly about that. I think it's really shitty when a guy goes, "Luice loses, girls set me." I think that's a real shitty thing to do. It's a violation of, it's a nice, like, fucking, oh, shut up. - Oh. - No, I hear that, I hear that. - No, that's great. It's a shitty thing to do. - That's really, really, really cool. (laughing) Horting tit photos from "Married Guys." Really awesome. (laughing) - Oh my God. - Oh my God. - Oh my God. - Congrats, Joe. You woke. - Listen. (laughing) - I'm fucking old-fashioned. If a girl sends me a picture of her claim. - No, that's no fashion, you fucking homo. - Yeah. - Old-fashioned, as you post on the internet. - I never heard. - Old-fashioned, you fucked a dude. - I never share pictures like that. That's fucked up. That's a fucked up thing to do. - I know. - So you could DM him a photo and you know it's gonna be safe. - Stop trying to impress Gina. - Yeah, so girls, feel free to DM me. (laughing) - Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh yeah. - Dude, Joe would never do that, Gina. (laughing) - And her sister. - I didn't know, I didn't know it was a ruse. (laughing) Sorry, yeah, Gina, he's, this is good people right here. (laughing) - Oh yeah. - Get that to him pronto. (laughing) Air drop, air drop. (laughing) How long is the show, by the way? I have no idea how long I've been up here. I don't know, I'm about to black out. - What? Is that real? - This doesn't work in years. (laughing) - Wait, what's happening after this fucking Ralph and SDR shoot a porn scene? Who gives a shit? - Mark's watch is on East Coast time. I almost shit. I'm like, we're been up here for three and a half hours. (laughing) But we have been up here for a while. - Oh, that's a lady on mushrooms. (laughing) Oh. - Oh, the mushroom said she's come off the mushrooms and she's leaving. That's fucking hilarious. (laughing) She's like, I'm sober now, I'll see you guys later. - Oh yeah. - Are you freaking? - Freaking. - Wow, you must have. - Wow. - And then a midget walks on the stage and you're like, they're still in me right now. (laughing) - Do you just get up to leave and then not leave? (laughing) - Oh, you can leave? - No, that's okay, I'm not gonna leave. - How are you? - What happened on the mushrooms? - And I know, I'm sure this is what you were hoping for. Why are you freaking out on mushroom? - We did argue garbage and she walked on stage and took over. - You went off eventually, but it was weird. We have video on it. (laughing) - Hey, what's your name, Miss? - Tusha. - Tusha. - Tusha. - Tusha. - Fuck it, we're parted, name. (laughing) - I'm joking. - How are you gonna talk to the girl DM'd you like that? - No, that's not her. - I know, I'm joking. - But wait, no, when it's Tusha, where does that come from? - Yeah, it was my parents' wife. - Where's your sister? - Oh, it's Ukrainian, so Joe's sides with Russia, that's the problem. - Where's your oldest sister named Wonsha? - I hope I'll be put in inner. (laughing) - Come on, folks. Come on, folks. These are the bits. (laughing) - If she doesn't consent, it's a Crimea. - Hey! I love it, I love it. - A Ukrainian geography joke, didn't know I had that. - Well done. - There's got so much more love than mine, God. (laughing) - Tusha, Tusha, you took a bunch of mushrooms, what happened? - I'm good now, what I was having to do, go get them, what are we up inside and there on that side? I couldn't figure it out. - Whoa. - That's how a festival works. (laughing) - But there's plenty on that side. There's plenty on the next level work. - That's worth asking that. - Sure. - Are you attracted to Joe? - Oh, she just turned asexual. (laughing) - Just now. (laughing) - Good job, Joe. - Joe's asexual predator. (laughing) (laughing) - There you go. (laughing) - That's not, come on, say it. - Let's not make it sound like I'm chasing after Tusha who suffered an ego death. (laughing) Give me a fucking break here. - Christ, guys, I like the settle down, I'm not fucking, you know. - Tusha also suffered a broad death. Did you lose that while you were tripping? It's this thing. It's not necessary? God bless you. - Free the nipple. - Yeah, free the nipple. - ULA, I'm getting LA vibes. - The LA of Canada. (laughing) - That's what they say. - Very bad. - This girl was interesting here. - That's a man, a bald man with a beard. - No, this red hair in California. - Oh, yeah, with the cans. - I love that Joe's like, I'm old school. I don't show chance. I will point out a woman and say, this broad's interesting. - Yeah.
Oh, I'm just saying she's got an interesting walk. What is this, a slave trade? Leave her alone. I want that one. Oh, there's a big one right there. She looks strong. New Orleans, big slave city, by the way. Bring me the interesting one. What's your name, miss? What is it, a speed date? Joe, come on. I'm just fucking-- they're four of us. All right, what's your name there, sister? I'm just Kevin? Kevin. Oh, that's perfect. [LAUGHTER] Kevin! Kevin! Are you home alone? [SCREAMING] Kevin, what the fuck? Good name to Kevin. Oh, shut the fuck up. Hold on. Somebody played password. What is the name? I'm literally hearing-- I'm Kevin. Kevin. Oh, Kevin. Yeah. Oh, awesome. Still alone. Man's name, just not a home alone, man's name. Kevin, that's good stuff. All right. Kevin, that's hot. Kevin. All right. You're with this guy here. Yeah. What's your name, buddy? Steve. Steven and Devon. Always good, getting-- I got the sillies all of a sudden. I don't know what's going on. Well, welcome, Steve and Dev. Good to see you, Joe's. I don't know what? No, I don't know what's going on. Why don't you ask the beautiful lady who seems to be by herself? Oh, with the curly hair. That's lady. She's hot and alone. This lady. Are you alone, ma'am? It's always a good sign. Somebody that comes to a comedy festival alone. I'm going to go to Skankfest solo. That's such a creepy vibe. Are you alone? Does anyone know you're here? Jesus Christ. Well, that's a-- That's a fake name. You came to Skankfest solo? Good for you. Why, though? Why did you have to-- Right, hold on. Come here. There's a microphone. Come step right up here. She doesn't want to. Now, use Melissa. Melissa. No, no. No, no. Of course she's good. No, of course she's good. There you go. Oh, she doesn't want to. It's all right. No, you don't have to. It's all right. But she has the microphone. All right. Well, this is getting real weird. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Can we get Brad a phone book? I can't see shit. Why do you do it at a restaurant? How's that work? You go stool or a booster? What's the matter with you? Sorry. Sorry. I got a million questions for the little guy. Restaurants are fine because my torsos average size, so I sit just as high. It is awkward when they bring me crayons in a coloring book. Brad went to get his COVID vaccine. He said, "First of all, we need the booster." Hey, you're back, Joe. You're back. Come on, folks. That was a great joke. Come on, folks. Jean almost loved her chair. These are the jokes. Three-some marriage with this chair. That was a beauty. That was a beauty. That was a wapper. I didn't get COVID-19. I got COVID-19 in a half. Rebecca Trent, producer of Skate Fest is calling it. Rebecca, we're on Tuesdays with stories. You're alive on the air. What's up? Oh, shit. I was calling a gossip. Let's do it later. Give us a goss up. Rebecca, you hear this crowd? They want to hear the gossip. What's the story? No, you don't want me to tell it. Oh, we want it. We want it. Something real bad must have. I know, right? What's our plan, I love? Oh, baby. Can you give me any hint on who this involves? Gina has a dick? No, no, good gas, but not her. Oh, another girl's birthday. We had a problem with last year. She's here. No. Okay, okay. I'll call you back. Oh, three United. She has a feel so good. She hung up real fast. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Gina, I'm so sorry. His ex showed up. Oh, boy, you've jumped up. So did she -- That's who she was talking about? Yeah, of course. That's wild. How you feeling? Vitz is going to go talk to her right now. I'm curious what the gossip is. You're going to get them out. Your lady friend is back. No, no, she said, I'm calling the gossip. I'll say, that sounded like she was going to say -- That didn't sound like a positive, like -- Oh, right? No, she said the girl from last year is here. No, no, I get that. What I'm saying is, is like, it didn't say she was -- Oh, no, I think you're good. No, no, I don't think -- I don't -- I think I'm fine. I think she was calling to tell me a crazy story is what I'm saying. You don't think so? You're getting real cagey and weird on me, Joe. Very protected. No, I think you're good. I think the girl's back and wants to meet you again. Listen, if she's back, can I borrow these? Sure. You might want some anal beads. An anal beads joke, folks. Come on. I love again. All right. What happened to Greg? He went to go do coke in the bathroom. No, he had to piss. He's fucking 67 years old. That's true. And that is what he wants to be back. What -- yeah, where did he go? What happened? He lost the blind guy. Oh, no. That's not good when you walk the blind. Wait. He thought we couldn't see him, but it's the other way around. Right. Damn. I'm having a hell of a time with you, boys. Hey, you're doing great. I love you, guys. Yeah. Yeah. I like you. Listen to that depleted audience. Ha, ha, ha. Yeah, this is a long show. Yeah, just a dying crowd. Well, you want to meet anybody else in the audience and get their name? Oh, no, no, no, no, no. She's cute. Oh, hilarious. No, I don't want to. What the fuck's your name? Are you guys together? You and the glasses? Okay. You guys swing? No, that's my thing. I swing in trees. I think they just tell you what's out on us. Yeah. Yeah. Do we just get lit? Yeah. I think I'm pod after this. What's the pod after this? There's no show after this. Is there? Oh, there is. Oh, there is. Two? What's the show after this? Legion. No, there's no way Legion escapes into this room. What is it? Oh, Spookshow. Oh, Spookshow. Easy. Yeah. Good lord. What's that? Spook. Is that a haunted house thing? Oh, Zach Amiko. Oh, he's alive. Oh, oh. Oh, we lost room. Yeah. Have a good one, Tushia. What time's Zach show? Zach show. Is that over there? What time's your show? 10 o'clock. Oh, Jesus. Why didn't anybody light us? It should have told us. Oh, sorry, Zach. Yeah, we're sorry, buddy. To be fair, Zach show was nine and a half hours last night. So we're okay. The naked roast was like a Springsteen concert. Well, I guess we got to wrap it up. Well, we don't have to wrap it up because everyone's leaving. This is a sad ending for this one. Oh, man. Folks at home literally have to crowd has departed. Yeah, good movie. It's okay. What? Wow. Zach, it's not looking good for your show. Hey, Zach. We came back. Right, we were ending. Greg's back just to say goodbye. All right. Where'd you go? I had to piss so bad. I was going to use the bucket, but I didn't want you guys looking at my dick. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. Well, let's-- guys, it's your job to wrap it up. Oh, all right. All right, all right, all right. You're sorry. You're the host. Jesus fuck you. All right. It's my job to wrap it up. And I didn't. I got herpins. Thank you, Greg. You're a good supporter. I am. Well, I just love that earlier he smoked a cigar and he apologized like four times about the smoke. And then about five minutes ago, he stood up and farted in my face. Not in your face and the microphone. It was a-- it was a-- it was a dandy. Gina? Okay. You're in with Gina. Yeah, I think Gina's in you. Who the hell is Gina? Oh, my God. Oh. How quickly we forget. She doesn't have a dick. She doesn't care. Stay the sisters from now on. Focus, focus over there. I'm going to-- yeah. I'm going to marry this. All right. I think we should-- we should just go until everyone's gone. It won't be long. About five more minutes that we're there. All right. Well, stick around for Zach. What are you guys headed now? Oh, Skanks. I don't say that out loud. He could hear you. That's not starting on time. No. No chance. Dave's going to do a 10 minute thing about Israel. Oh. He loves that. Yeah, I know. It's all over my head. I know. He loves that. Yeah, I know. It's all over my feet. It loves that. Yeah. Well, again, it's your show. Oh, all right. Take the wheel. Our producer is literally doing this in the-- Oh. He's talking about Kishogi. All right. Well, thank you. I think this was awesome. I don't know. Yeah. Yeah.
-It's a great moment. It's a great moment. -I think it would have worked best. -And stick around. Zach Amico's about to do his show. -Yeah. -This is a show he's fucking -- You guys see Zach set last night? -So funny. He's a killer joke writer. -Unfuckin' real hilarious. -And he's gonna die soon, so support the man. -Well, yeah. -That's the spook aspect. -I see. -He drops dead halfway through. No, stick around or go wherever the fuck you want. I don't care. -Yeah. Thank you. Come on. -Goodbye. -Hey! -My father's gay. You guys were great. Two days of stories, praise Allah, queepin' up. ♪ Who wants to be ♪ -Come on, baby. ♪ Sounds ♪ ♪ If I'm in the heavens ♪ ♪ Where man should try ♪ ♪ Oh, miss me watching the music die ♪
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