#631 Hob Nobblin'

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You guys ever sing and then you're like, this, wait, am I really good? No. Well, not you. I can't you. But me. My God. I got some, some pipes. I took singing lessons for like years and years going in the band. Well, takes a, takes a comedy lessons and podcast. Take that. Oh, yeah. Anyways, I'm sick as a dog. I was worried that you guys wouldn't want to be near me, but you guys don't do the shit. Who cares? I don't wear condoms. You knock it out. By the way, I had a herpes outbreak and I tried to wear a condom with my, first of all, over the outbreak. Yeah. Wow. And I wear a under. Well, that's true. It's just weird to put it something over that. Those blisters. All the time, they were starting to heal, but it still looked nasty. So Sarah's like, come on. What are we doing here? And I'm like, all right, fine. That's what I had. That's what I had. This mistake. God bless medicine because, you know, I have valve tracks for years and I just ran out. And then I felt the, uh, the, the, the, the, the, the peas coming up. Yeah. Yeah. Your balls feel funny and tingly and then you can find, you could feel it. Really? And normally I'd, I'd fucking hammer some valve tracks in there and it just wipes it out. That is unbelievable. How do they find that, Jerry? That's a great point. I don't know. That's why people shit on like modern medicine and the, the medicine, what do you call that? The karma? Farma. And you're like, I get it. They, they take advantage. They're corrupt. And the, the heroin stuff and all that shit, whatever the oxy cotton, but at the same time, let's not throw the baby out with the bath water for God's sake. I love bath water. It's, Whitney Houston doesn't. Ooh. That boiled her up. Is that, is that boil? I thought it was drowned. No, they get boiled up her skin. Ah, Susan. I'm telling you. Well, I think she might have drowned. I think she overdosed, but then it was so hot, who's running the pipes over there? I believe. We like the pipe. Remember that old Teraldo joke? Yes. It's a weird way to test the water. Like, I burned his genitals. But I think she was on heroin or whatever, oxygen, toxin, crack, got all whacked out. And gotten in the tub and it was scoling. Give that a go. And then she died and it was, her skin was all burned up. She's like telling you. I'm telling you. A bunny in fatal attraction. I don't remember fatal attraction. Ooh. It's a wopper. Is it bunny? Yeah. Glenn Close is the, it's like the quintessential crazy broad. Uh. And he's fucking her. Then he started, Michael Douglas starts banging another lady. She flips out. And at the end, he comes home and he has a pet rabbit. And it's in a pot of stew. And he opens up, hey, what's cooking? Hi. She, she put the rabbit in the pot. Oh, man, I got to get back in there for fatal attraction. I think that's what it's called. I always confuse fatal attraction in decent proposal. Yes. They were right at the same time. Exactly. Very similar sex movies. They're both about affairs and I think Michael Douglas is banging both. I think so. He was a sexy cook. What do you got? You got Boyle Whitney? Yeah. It says Whitney Houston's body was ravaged by scars, cuts, and burns. His evidence from the police and medical team showed swaths of skin was, showed swaths of skin was burned. It says was burned from Houston's back after she got into scalding water. I'm telling you. And it resulted in skin slippage on her life. Skin slippage. Whoa. Whoops. Yeah. Her skin slipped right off. Gipage went wet. You. It says it was as high as 150 degrees when she got in the tub. Wow. Wow. Who set the meter on that thing? You're not supposed to get into a hot tub if it's over like a hundred and seven. Yeah. I'm telling you. What is it? What is your body temp? 98.6. Oh. Seven. You're right. I think it's six. 98.6. Something radio station. 98.6. Play it all. The slippery skin hits. Right. Body heat. Well, anyways. So I thought, you know, I'm out of foul tracks. And then you never have this. I'm not sure you have. You're like, let me call in a prescription, whatever, and I have a, what do you call it? Sister-in-law, who's a doctor and another doctor. I got people that can, Dr. Phil, whatever that doctor is, we'll be right back. I got people that can get you medicine, but I was like, I've got all the shit going on. You know when you have something you need to do, but you're like, I'll figure it out later. Yeah. It's the story of my anal. And then I think, well, how bad could it be? I'll have a reef, a fucking relapse. Right. Outbreak. Man, it was awful. Really? I was out there in Dallas, my, I've said it before, it's like someone put matches out on your dick. Wow. And I had no medicine, Jerry. Wow. And then I was like, all right, let me text my sister-in-law because she's a doctor. She can write a prescription. Is that awkward? Hey, sister-in-law. My dick looks like a fucking supreme pizza. It is awkward. And then also that morning, I'm like, all right, here I go, I'm going to text her. She's good at doing me favors, I'll get this done. Family text. Happy birthday, Julie. It's her birthday. Oh, yeah. You can't ask dick favors on the birthday. Oh, man. So then I just go with it. I go with the flow. I go no medicine raw dog, which is how I got herpes. That's true. Worse weekend in my life. You have to sit like this. Nobody knows what you're going. Right. Right. You know when you're sick, people feel for you. You know, geez, thanks for doing the show, I hope you feel better, but herpes, nobody knows. You can't just like, hey, my dick is bleeding. Yes. Is it just like, is it skin slippage? Is it just falling off? No, it's like, it's blisters, it's tiny, little blisters, and then they pop and they're just open-sourced. Maybe like if you wore like a flip-flop or a shoe, a high heel, and you know how when you're high heels, your heel gets all- That's good. Yeah, it's kind of like that, but it's on your dick. It's on your dick hole. At the end of the night, you can't dig your dick and hold it. You know why you're done with cobblestones. That's good. So, I had that going on, so then I come back and tell my wife, you know, I've been up breaking all week. It's horrible. Dustin Hoffman. Cooper going junior. And then a few days past, I'm like, I think I'm good. I finally got the medicine, I'm like, I'm taking the medicine now, and now I'm getting horny again. Okay. But she's like, that still looks pretty rough. I googled it. You're a piece of shit. Put a condom on. Yeah, that's heavy. I had fucking with a condom for the first time in literally 10 years. When's the last time you fucked with a condom? Well, maybe don't answer that. That's been a good decade. It's the decade. So, you've got to put it on. It's unbelievable. How bad condom sex is. I know, and it's 2025. We haven't upgraded. It's like the craziest thing. And like, it's wild at one point, I was grateful to fuck a woman with a condom on. Yes. I put it on. It's horrible. You can last all night getting it open as weird, rolling it on as weird. You feel nothing, Jerry. Nothing. I mean, I was inside of her, and I think when you have the condom, you just got to be excited that you're seeing fresh tits. Sure. Sure. But with your wife, the condom, you're like, immediately, I was like, ah, now just jerk off. Wow. So I just, I think her got her off. That was great. There you go. Beat one. There you go. Wow. Yeah. It is a bummer. It's not good. Boy, I was in a hotel room years ago. I was banging the guy with a condom and it wasn't going great. So I was like, what are we doing? She hated it. I hated it. I finish or I, you know, I pull out. I finish the condom. I throw it on the ground. She wanted to go again, like two hours later, and I was like, we're out of condoms. And she's like, well, if you put that one back on, I put it back on and I went back in. Oh, you know, heart is getting an old condom back on. It's like, uh, it's like getting cereal back in the box. I can't even imagine. Yeah. That's not that hard. I guess you're right. I think I think a toothpaste. Toothpaste. Toothpaste. Toothpaste. Serial pours right in. Serial. Yeah. You was putting it up and putting it in. Yeah. Well, this was not awkward for fresh. Well, this, yeah, it was, it was crazy. And now I'm back. And finally, better than ever. So last night, we're finally back. My sister was in town staying in her house. You couldn't fuck. Now finally, we're back. And I hit with, I get in with a fever, but I still ploughed through it. which is also sick 'cause you're like, could you go get me medicine? I'm dying, I need to cancel everything. You take the baby tomorrow, and then she's like, you got it, and then I'm like, what'd you mind? If we fucked real hard. - Yeah. - 'Cause sex, you can always overcome everything for sex. - That's true, overcome. But I think also sex is good for sick. - Interesting. - We experience like you're sick. Sick is good for sex. Wait, sex is good for sex, because you kind of break through, you get your heart pumping, you're sweating, you're moving your body parts. - Well, I've thought that too, I joke like, maybe I'll come out the COVID. - Yes. - And then she gets it. - Right, right, I think that she was wearing a mask. But one time I was hung over in college, and I rolled over and I banged my old lady, and I felt immediately better. 'Cause your body gets going. - It's kind of like stage health. - Yes. - You have a colon, you do a set, you feel great. - Exactly. - Or the shit goes away. - Exactly, 'cause you know when you're sick, you're just kind of laying in your own bullshit, and it's just, it's just ruminating. But if you can like, get the wheels turning, it's kind of like a car, you can get the gunk out. - That's how I felt to this morning. I got up, I took the, she said I had a workout class, I took the baby around, I went to the gym. I light lifting, but still makes you feel like whatever, and then you steam, so you get some snot out. Now here we are at work, and you're like, "Oh, we got through it." - So let me throw this at you, speaking of sick. - My baby, I said, "Let me do a little trial run here." I got the kid there, I'm home with the baby. I take a, just a pinky. Hold on. And I scoop up a little PB. - Peanut butter. - Yeah, and I just went, right on the tongue, just 'cause you never know. Turned red, coughing, screaming, and I was like, "Oh my God, what am I done, I'm killing this kid." So I called a pediatrician, she's like, "How much did you give him?" And I'm like, like a dollop of just a dab. And she was like, "All right, he'll probably be fine, "he's gonna be uncomfortable for a little bit, "but he'll be fine." And I was like, "Jesus Christ." But now I got to get what fucking peanut allergy. - Oh no, that, 'cause you're supposed to do that early, as early as possible. - Oh really, I figured nine months is pretty good, but I guess not early enough. - No, I think it's, well he doesn't have, he has two teeth, right? - Two and a half, yeah. - Two and a half teeth, two and a half men. - I think that's right around the right time. You did the right thing. And then you're gonna give him some fish and some other bullshit, you gotta give him all those allergies, but you gotta, you gotta shove peanut butter right over his ass early. - Well that's what I thought, 'cause I was like, well, it's so scary though, 'cause you don't wanna kill him. So the next day I was like, let me give him all none of his all up, and he seemed to leave him more annoyed. - Is he annoyed or is he dying? - Well annoyed, meaning, (burps loudly) you know, he's not into it. And he turns, he says, two major different things. Is he not, oh, what are you saying now? - Now turns red. - He's been turned red all around here, and he's like kinda itchy. - I see, well those are two different things. Not into it, he's like, hey, I don't like, I'm not into dick, but it doesn't make me break out in hives. - I don't know. I'm into pussy, it makes me break out in herpes, but at real times, it's very close to HIV. - Good point. - Yikes, you throw a knee on there. It's kind of like improv and improve. - And canker and cancer. What's up with that? - Oh, cancer culture. - People are like, hey, you got a kicker on my, like I need, what do you call that? But now we're all over the place. What do you call it with the cancer? What do you do? - Radiation. - Radiation. - chemo. - chemo. - Yeah. - Settling. (laughs) - chemo. - Curly and Larry. - Does he have a peanut allergy? - I assume. - But when he goes red. - Take him to the doctor. You might wanna do this stuff under the guy, under the supervision of a doctor. - Yeah, that's the plan, that's the plan. - What'd your wife say? - She said, same thing. - But I thought I could kick it. I was like, oh, he's clearly got a little allergy. Let me hit him again and then again and again, but it's not helping. - Yeah, you gotta expose. I forget, so you forget everything so quick. I can't remember if it was three weeks or nine months or two years, but I know you gotta shove shellfish in his ass, peanuts in his butt, catch up, whatever the fuck. What are the other allergens? I don't know. - My cousin has allergic eggs and apples. - Oh, apples, certain apples fuck me up a little bit. - Oh, really? - Yeah, itchy gums, but not like I don't die. - Then his eggplant, there's gluten, there's lactose. - Right. - There's blacks. Yeah, a lot of things can make him uncomfortable. - He's allergic to blacks, he's in big trouble. - Well, I know it, I'm like, "Dye, you're such a Brooklyn queen. "You gotta beat an allergy, your pus." But what can you do? But I do have a good, let me throw this thing. I have a good feeling for this next generation. I'm not talking about Gen Z. I'm talking about the one after it. What is that, alpha? - That I can't remember. - Alpha Romero? - Yeah, that's something like that. - Okay, here's my theory. Trends has gone down 50% with young people. 50% in the last what? A couple of years? - In the last year. Like from last year to this year, it's 50% down. That's insane. - Wow. - That's quite a drop, 'cause you see the older people do it. And you go, "Well, these are nerds. "They're on Facebook and trends." - Right. - I'm on TikTok and I keep my dick. - Doc. - Right. - And that's good. Peanut allergies are down, ironically, with kids. Also great. Another thing, women are dressing like whores again. - I love that. - I was just in New Orleans that I'm at the college bar selling bodega cat. And all the young girls are wearing the short skirt. The boots are all smoking. It felt like the '90s, Jerry. - I'm excited. I mean, I love a slutty outfit and a cigarette. - Some of the bad breath and thighs. That's my bio. - Well, you gotta meet Chuck. But yeah, no, I'm with you. And they said garage bands are coming back. There's a lot of good, nature is healing. Retard is back, gay is back. I think things are cooking. - Yeah, everything swings. - Swings, Jerry. - I'd like to swing. - Yeah. - Spread this disease around. - Wow, so I'm worried about the boy here. - I know. - I think, do you make an appointment? - I do, yeah. - The allergist, do you go in there? I think they can fix that shit, though. - I think so at this age. I gotta get in early. - I think gay. - If he's nine months, it's just a little itch. He's not choky, he's not dying. - But I mean, I give him just a dab. - Right. - Like a booger worth. - Right. - A good-sized booger. - Well, I think he'll be okay. - Okay, okay. - I know that boy, like I think I do. He's gonna be just fine. - I eat peanut butter every day. - Yeah, I love peanut butter. I had a peanut butter bag earlier. - Yeah, it'd be, it'd be, it'd be in J. - It'd be in B. So yeah, I had a crazy weekend, if you're ready. - I'm ready. - Tid me with it. I had a fun weekend, but not crazy. - Let me get up, I gotta get up. 'Cause if I'm, I'm too sick to lay down. - Oh, I gotta get straight up. Get some circulation. There we go. - Woo. - Rare fight air. So, I got, I'm doing the baby thing now. So I got, I do Friday, Saturday, home, Sunday. That's my new schedule. - All right. - I do the Thursday to Sunday. - Right. - They come home Monday, just get all the weekend shows and you can. So now I'm Friday, Saturday, but my bodega cat guy, Matt Herman, he's our distributor. He's the lifeblood that he keeps the train on the tracks. Me and Sam, we don't know what the hell we're doing. - No, you don't. - So he goes, we gotta get you down into Orleans one night for a full day and just, we're making good headway into Orleans, you're from there. It's a drinking town. If we can get you down there, we can sell the shit out of it, you make your shake hands, you get into a restaurant, you're schmooze, you drink, yeah, yeah, hobnob, whatever you wanna call it. - This sounds great. - But it's a lot of work. - Certainly. - It's basically a meet and greet all day. - Yeah, well you're a business guy. - I know. - You're a business man. - You think, hey, I'll start a whiskey. I'll put my name on it and Sam's name on it. We'll put it on a shelf. Jed's a millionaire. - No, that's the thing is, the thing is you. - I know, I hate me. - This isn't Pete Silverstein's vodka. - No, those Jews know how to do it. - This is Mark Norman and Sam Maril vodka. They wanna see you, they wanna meet you 'cause, or whiskey. Anyone can just get a whiskey. They wanna get your whiskey. - I know, you're right. - They wanna know you, they wanna see you, they wanna feel you. - But Kevin Hart as a tequila, he's not going down to hobnob, is he? - I don't know what he does. - Well he's big, well he's little, but you know what I mean. - Yeah, well he does, he hobnobs everywhere else. That's all he does is hobnobs, this fucking guy. - That's true, he's a hobnoblin. - He's literally justice salesman. I haven't seen him tell a joke in four years. - No one has. - He's crazy. Okay, well hopefully he doesn't hear this. This will go over his head. So he goes, this is a month ago, he goes, how about this date? And I go, all right, October 30th, the next day I'm in Baltimore. So maybe we'll go down October 30th at like 8am, land into Orleans at 1030 and just go. And he's like, all right, fuck it. And I've just been dreading this date on the calendar for weeks and weeks, finally it's here. Get on the flight, land into Orleans, they pick up at the airport and you go right to a restaurant. - Oh boy. - And he did a, he set up a whole, you know, handshakes, bottle signing. There's people drinking, there's a bartender, there's food, and we just get right at them. My parents show up, high school friends show up. It was fun. - That was sand there also? - No. - Just you. - It's just me. On the New Orleans guy, he'll handle the other places I hope. So we made a lot of sale, people from restaurants coming in, bars coming in, hey, we'd love to be on your menu. Hey, the taste, it's pretty good. Oh yeah, this is good. Where'd you go to high school? You don't know the whole thing. So then we go, we finished that, that's three hours. - All right. - Then we go to a pizza joint. Yeah, this pizza pizza. is gonna put you on the menu, it's all by getting on the menu. - Right. - Because if you're the old fashioned on the menu, that's a guarantee they're gonna pour out of your bottle. - Right. - So that's what it is, all by getting on the menu, we're on the menu at the seller and the comedy store. - Wow. - Which is very exciting. - That's big. - Yeah, not big enough to, you know, sustain or make any money, but it's a start. - But it's steady or something. - The aisle. - Yeah, so boom, we do the first one. Then it's off to the pizza place. That's a couple hours. Bam, bam, bam, we do like five of these. We do another one with the Windsor Court Cafe, which is the nicest restaurant in New Orleans. It's like the tavern on the green of New Orleans, and it's all these turtle necks and tuxedos and all these hot people. And there's a guy playing a piano. I meet the guy who owns Caesar's Casino. - What? - Yeah. - Julius? - Yeah, eight to Brutei and he owns the Superdome. - Wow. - Or Caesar's does, not this guy. - Right, right. - But Caesar's is big in Nola. - Yeah, Caesar's is huge. - Yeah, pizza pizza. So I meet him, he's gonna hook us up with the Casino, so it was all very productive. - Okay. - So far, so good. - So far, so good. Now this is where it gets heavy. They go, we're gonna bring you to the boot. - Ah, the boot. - The boot is the hottest college bar. It's right next to Tulane. It's where all the kids, I used to go there when I was a kid. I got beat up there. I got thrown out there. I fucked a girl there once. It's just the old staple. It's like a Flora Bama, you know? It's one of those things where everybody gets dressed up but it's a lot of broy guys and hot chicks and shots and they used to have quarter pitcher night when I was a kid. - That's insane. - Yeah, a quarter for a pitcher? - Yes. - I mean, that would be obscene, that would be ugly. - You'd roll up with a lot of change and just throw it at the guy and then he would hand you nine pitchers and you'd black out. - That's fucking wild. - And we all drove. - Sure. - Yeah. - Well, in Massachusetts, it's illegal to do that. You can't even do that. - What? - You can't have any drink specials. - What? - Yeah, at least it used to be like that when I was back in. - Wow. - It was against the rules to be like happy hour was banned. - Wow. - Yeah, 'cause everyone would just fist fuck each other. - And you guys close it too. For this big Irish drinking football town, you guys roll it up early. - That's just embossed it. - Everywhere outside of the city was one. - What? - Yeah, it was crazy. - Geez. - And then the subway stops at 12.30. How 'bout that? - Ah. - The subway shuts that at 12.30 a.m. and you can drink till two. - That's literally entrapment. - That's entrapment. - That sure is. - Wow. - We couldn't have different childhoods. I grew up with 24 hour bars and we knew the days of the week by the drink specials. We were like, oh, it's Mondays. So that means it's penny shots over at a hoo-hoo's. - Drink specials were banned. I told you Derek got thrown out of a bar called Bogarts in Bridgewater, Massachusetts because he ordered a pitcher. It was just drinking out of the pitcher. - Oh. - And it wasn't even trying to be funny. He was just like, well, this is the beer. I'll just drink out of that. Why don't you pour it in a glass? - It's a receptacle. - You can't do that. - Wow. - DJ Jazzy Jeffdom. - Interesting. - Yeah. - Well, so we go to the boot. My friend goes, I got you a costume. He gave me a pickle. I was done pickles. - That's not bad. That's something. - I like that. - I came up with that. No one liked it. - But I love it. - If you do it, you should do it stick. - That's not bad. And I kept saying, what's the deal? - This is how you get to the top of me. - I'm trying. These kids didn't care for it. - Hey folks, we're live at Skankfest. So apologize about the audio. I'm drunk. He's gay. That's the water. I'm gonna kill myself after this. But we're gonna do the ads. Whoo, it's been a long weekend. I'm hurting and my asshole is bleeding. Hey, two stores brought to you by Blutchew. Fellas, you may hit it out of the park every time, but what's the harm in keeping a little helper just in case? Pick up some Blutchew and be ready to perform. 110% of the time. 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They're all dressed as horrors and cats and skanks or whatever they are. And everybody's dressed up as fun stuff. Lebowski over here. You got a hobo over there. And I still feel like these kids are cool. These are the cool kids. They're all the two-lane, rich, hot, sexy guy. He's on the crew team and he's a football player. Well, I think group is intimidating. 'Cause you worry that there's like six bros being like, this guy sucks. He's not even funny. He's still like it. That's what you're like. What are you guys saying over there? What is this? That's my inner monologue. 'Cause you think you're cool. 'Cause here you're cool. Right. I mean, we got juxtaphn across from us. We couldn't be any cooler. You got that, right? But you go to two-lane. All of a sudden they're into TikTok. They're into pussy. They don't know you. They're young. They're handsome. They're sexy. They're cool. They're in the know. How about this for a done pickles? Hey, you, uh, cucumber often? Hey, cucumber. Cucumbers are pickles, right? Right. Whew. This is tough. Yeah, that's not easy. I got caught girking off. Okay. Um. All right. So, so I'm at the boot and then, you know, one of the owner guys is like a fan of comedy. So he's like, I got you guys up in the crow's nest. I got you the best seat in the house, whatever. So they got us up in this nice little, uh, lifted up place. So I'm in the boot. I'm just overlooking like, just thinking, reflecting like, I used to come here 25 years ago. Is that right? Math wise. 18, 17. Yeah. One time I went to the boot and the boot was always like, all right, get your head on street. We're going to the boot. Like this isn't just some dive bar. Like we're trying to get laid. We're trying to have fun. Boot is big. And I couldn't. I was. I was 17. It'd be 18 to get in. So I found a wristband on the ground and I put it on and I just sealed it tight. And it stayed on. I was like, I'm in. I go up to the guy at the bar or the door guy, big giant black guy and he goes, you've been in here. I go, yeah, I'm in here. I get the wristband. And he goes, all right, all right. As I'm walking in, it just falls right off and I saw a slow motion. He grabbed me. There was double doors. One was closed and one was open. He grabbed me, slammed me against the closed door, pulled me back and threw me out onto the sidewalk. It was the most embarrassing because you're like, you know, it's glass so everyone outside sees you like, hey, I made this big thud. And then he pulled me back. He peeled me off the door and then threw me on the sidewalk and I rolled eight times. Oh boy. And people just step it over me. Like, look at this thing. Now is there any party that's like, what if he's here? No, he's dead. Yeah, probably. I bet he's something, but that was, that was 25 years ago, but now I'm in. Now I'm surveying. Now I have the best seat. I'm in a pickle costume. I'm half in the bed. This is great. We're serving and then the owner guy goes, okay, so we had Kylie Jenner here last week the whole place when that's TMZ was here. I'm like, he's like, now it's good to have another celebrity. I'm like, what? This is the biggest fall from great biggest drop off in celebrity history. We put in the Kylie Jenner. She's here. I don't even know what she looks like. Who gives a shot? Jenner. She's a hot hunk of jizz. She's a Kardashian. Yeah. She's the young hot one. She's dating all the rappers or Timothy Schumlemoo. She's banging Shalamey. Yeah. Let me see. Let me see this woman. You're not going to like her. Fuller up. I know she's probably as big giant lips and big tits and a fat ass. Can't stand these women. She's very attractive. I disagree. I like Kendall the best, but I'm alone on that one. I just have a Kendall. At the same buddy. She's pretty generic Kardashian. Oh, she's hot, but not Mike. She's hot. I guess it's nice and all the whole thing. It's all thing. That's pretty. That's a good looking woman. Yeah, it's just not my thing. I don't like to grand of a thing. She's grand. Well, I got big fake lips and I'm all made up. My hair's swoopy. Give me like a bag of shit. Kind of like you like playing CBS. Give me a plane. I want Emma Stone, who's Stavros is friends with that pimple. Yeah. Yeah. That's a big pimple. All right. God. He was at her house. That's crazy. I know Greg Stone. But she was coming up. All right. Some day. All right. So go ahead. So Kylie Jenner. Fuck her. She was there a week before, but the news is there. TMZ is there. Everybody from New Orleans showed up to see this horror on the bar. So they're like Kylie Jenner went on the bar. She poured drinks for everybody. The place went ape shit. You should do that. I'm like, uh, no one's going to know who I am. And I'm going to be interrupting the music. They're having a good time. It's Halloween. These kids are cut loose. And I go up there. Excuse you. Hello. Hey, you guys wanted to bow dig a cat. They're going to go bohoo. Get out of here. You come. Come, Gunslin Nazi. Now did anyone come to see you? Did that was an advertise that you're going to be there? I had about four nerds come out. Okay. Hey, I want a photo. Hey, this is cool. Hey, one guy called me, uh, Andrew Marille. That was fun. Um, I think he mixed like six comics up. Uh, one guy called me Norma Donald, which I get all the time. But, you know, good times. Now here's the clinker. So 30 minutes before we go on. I'm pretty sloppy. I'm by the bar getting another drink. And this girl really pretty girl walks up to me. She must have been 18 and she goes. Are you that comedian guy? And I'm starting to feel pretty good. I'm like, yeah, she goes, fuck you. That's our seat. You took our seat. No one knows who you are. Fuck you. You ruined our night. You piece of shit. You're not famous. No one cares that you're here. And I'm just like, wow. Everything I thought she was yelling at me. That's a, that's like a horror film. It was a horror film. I mean, that's amazing. Cause it, it feels like a thing that later on it's revealed. That wasn't a real person. There was a big twist. She was real, Jerry. And so I was like, uh, uh, and I go fucking cut and she walked away. That's all I can think of. That's pretty good. I mean, it was, it's, it's cutting. It's something. Don pickles, but it's good. She got me though, but she got me right through the heart with a wooden steak. And it just came out of nowhere. And I was like, geez, it was like one of those things where you're like, I need a minute. That was jarring. I hurt my feelings. It was a surprising element of surprise. I was on my heels. But did you have a buddy with you or just this mat? Whatever guy. I had a guy from high school there. Okay. When he was up, you know, getting drunk. Right. So I was alone in that moment. And you're like, uh, what am I? I can't go to the bar Kylie Jenner. So I was just back. I went back to the table defeated and I go, uh, this fucking gal yelled at me. And the guy who owns the place goes, what? Who? I go, I don't know. Just some girl who was at the bar. And he was like, point her out. I'm like, no, I don't want to get it. And he goes, no, that's crazy behavior. No one should act like that. I'm like, oh, yeah, that's true. Yeah, fuck her. I got such a low self esteem. I was like, she's got a point. I'm with her. But he was like, what? That's insane. So I go, I don't know. She, she blends in 20 minutes later. I'm about to go on the bar. I'm walking up the steps to the get up to the bar. I see her. And I go, that's her. And this guy with the, with a flashlight goes hits her once. They swarmer. They throw her out. Yeah. Fuck you. You piece of shit. Very satisfied. Just because you nailed it. Doesn't mean you get to run your mouth. Yeah. That's so fun to have a flashlight. I always wanted to be a door guy with a flashlight and then you fucking cattle product guy. I wish I was big and black. Just so I could fuck my wife in front of me. If you can film it once, then just watch it forever. Yeah, exactly. That would be nice. They, they, they covered the zip tie. Did you get to say? Hey, see you later, lady? She was a little twinky broad. They just Just dangled her right out of there like take her bill. Speaking of twinkies. How's Rupert? Folks. Um, that's exciting. I'm glad you got revenge on this twat. By the way, big. They should do a remake as a big black guy. That would change the whole movie. Did we talk about this? I don't think so. That's a good idea. I just came up with it. Wait, what was it? No, somebody, wait, what show was I maybe? Oh, maybe it was the regs. Oh, no, you changed the big. You changed the letter. I think this was, I think it was on the regs. Yeah, I think it was on the regs, but it's, yeah, it's not bad. That's something. Sorry, I got confused because I was like, didn't we just do this joke? Well, every other news, they make it a black guy. So make big a black guy and make him huge. So, but is he a little, is he white to begin with? That's a good question. I thought you were saying he makes the wish and they make a black by accident. Yeah, yeah, I guess so. So yeah, make him a little Jonah basketball, a little white kid in the burbs and then he gets zapped or whatever by the video game. And maybe he gets zapped by like the food stamp or something and then he becomes the big black guy and then his whole life is better in some ways and worse and some he gets pulled over, but he's also plowing the high school. Yeah, I haven't played Shaq. Shaq play him. Yes, yes, Shaq. Sometimes Shaq's voice is so deep that I'm waiting for him to be like, no, I'm just kidding. Like he's like, yeah, you know, we got the game and he's like, that I don't talk like that. That's crazy. How crazy that I'm I have two podcasts and both had a conversation about big as a black person. That's crazy. So whatever I stuffed I do the bar and I got to say it went great. I got up there and people just started going like baby birds. I was just pouring jizz in their mouth all night and pretty hot by the way pouring a bottle into a girl's mouth and she's like, and it's going everywhere. You're like, damn, it's kind of sexy. Yeah, that's like the hottest thing I can imagine. Yeah, and I'm just up there like, whoa, I'm in a pickle. Holy shit. And I go up and down the bar. I do it. Everybody loved it. And then I got off stage. I kept drinking. Then I go holy shit. I'm trashed. And I still got to go to Baltimore tomorrow. And it's like, you know, two in the morning flights at seven. Get it together. So woke up got on a Southwest flight. Oh my god. That's all they had direct. You know, you pick your seat on that. It's the weirdest system with Southwest. No, I would fly. I mean, they go. You're in group A. You're in group B. So group A walks on. It's an empty plane. And you just pick where you sit. Oh, wow. It's like a first come first serve. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But you're like, well, just sit in a one. Right. You know, why would I go? What am I going to go to the back? It's just feel it. So I'm like, is this okay? And they're like, it's open. I'm like, well, why did everyone walk? I'm in group B. If you walk right past one, I think some people don't want to sit in the front. They think it's not cool. Like a bus. No, not me. I'm white. They think they're going to die first. I'm Rosa Parks. I want right up there. They think they're going to like, you know, if you crash, they're going to it's going to be them dying. That is silly and dumb. But God bless you. This I was up in the front. I was like, I went from Haiti, Southwest to loving because I'm like, I bought a regular ticket. And I'm in the front. That's pretty good. It's pretty good. Now is like first class. No, no, but no, no, it was just regular seating. It's all one class. And yeah, just got up to the front. So I was like, I love Southwest now and flew to Baltimore and just nursed that hangover and did two shows on Halloween. Halloween shows. How was that when people dressed and retarded? It was good. It was one of those like, oh, no one's coming. The tickets are horrible because it's Halloween. Everybody's like, I'm going to a party. I'm going to trick or treat. Why would I go see your dumbass? And then it just sold out that night was one of those. Well, I think a lot of people don't want to be out on Halloween. Maybe run over kids and there's people and cars. People take shits on your forehead. Also, you get the costume riffs. And there was an Asian guy dresses a hot dog and I go, shouldn't you just be a dog? You know, we're having fun. They got the witch lady. The guy dressed as a home or Simpson or a minion, whatever. So you get the whole thing with that. Oh, that's fun. I don't think I've ever done stand up on Halloween or not ever, but not in 20 years. Well, it's good. It's a good time until your wife is like, here's your son trick or treating. And you're like, oh, what am I doing about here? They're all dressed up in the burbs eating snickers. Yeah, where was she? She went to Newton. I saw the photo. Yeah, great city. Newton safest town in America than they had a murder. A lot of comedians from there. Oh, really? Well, Louis CK, John Fisch, Matt Leblanc. Oh, wow. Yeah, they went to high school together. I school together. What? Isn't that crazy? That's crazy. Who else is from Newton? - Is it newton or need them? - Need them is a different place. - Might be need them, maybe it's a need them. - I don't love them, but I need them. - Chuck, would you do me a huge favor and grab me some toilet paper or something like that? I gotta blow this nose, I'm disgusting, I'm dying over here, I can't breathe. - I can hear it. - Thanks buddy, I'm gonna blow my nose off camera. - Boy, that's quite a sad she got there. - I know, yeah, yeah. So Baltimore was fucking awesome. McGubbies has really leveled up. You get all the comments you got to go to McGubbies. They really put a through a coat of paint on that place and we had a great time, Umar killed it, opening. - Love Umar. - We went to a Fels Point in Baltimore, you've been there. It's like the cute, swanky area that's all cobblestone and bricks. - Yeah, that's where the other club is. - That's where the port is. - The port, and that's what I was gonna say. I think this improvement at McGubbies, they got the port to thing. - Oh, interesting. - Because that's what happens and this is why capitalism works, and that's what happens at McDonald's. And then the port gets all hot, new, cool, and the comics go there and go, "This place is awesome." - And the other guy goes, "We gotta step it up." - And he goes, "Fuck, we're losing people. We're in the suburbs. That's not cool." - Right. - They're in the cobblestone waterfront. - Right, right. It's a fucking location. - Yeah, sleepless in Seattle houses right there. - What? - And then, so then McGubbies is like, "We got to paint this place and make the green room better "because competition breeds whatever or something." - Yeah. I'm like, "I'm dying, sorry." - Excellence, I think. But yeah, yeah, it was cool. And I went and saw the other club. It's very, it's very cool. - Are you never did it? - No, I'm a McGubbies guy 'cause the problem with the port is I think it's like 80 seats. - It's very small, but yeah, you'd have to do 75 shows. - Right. - But if you're in town on a Tuesday or passing through, that room is hot. - Good point. - Good point. - For me, McGubbies, and I love it. I'm grateful to McGubbies, and I'll probably get back at McGubbies. Andrew's a great guy. But it's a fucking stadium. - It's big. - It's a barn and then it's vaulted. - Yeah, it's absolutely huge. The stage is 80 feet long and whatever. And then the port is just like intimate. - Yeah, and Baltimore is such a kooky city 'cause you're like, okay, everybody's like, "Oh, CVS is on fire." The bridge fell down. It's all murderville. But then you go to Fels Point. You're like, "This is goddamn beautiful, stunning." But then you go two blocks that way, and your car gets broken into, and your girlfriend gets asked, "Fucked." And then, but then you go up to McGubbies, and it's a bunch of honkies out there. I can't get a feel on it. - Yeah, it's a crazy city. And-- - But then there's, they can fill up a Ravens game and an Orioles game. - Yeah. - So there's a lot of people, I guess. - Well, Maryland is also one of the wealthiest states. - Ah! - So I think on the outskirts, you have very affluent people, and then you've got inner city troubles, but it's a beautiful town. - It is. - Great buddies from there. Umar, Stavros. - Nick Mullins from there. - Is that right? - Oh, yeah. - Eldis. - Edgar Allen Poe, Babe Ruth. - Oh. - Diner. - How the movie? - Yes. - Who's that guy, Barry Levinson? - Yeah, yeah, Levinson. - He must be from there. Who else, Baltimore? Oh, Lane Metis. - Oh, really? - Yeah. - That's right. - That's right. - Yeah, you're right. - Baltimore and-- - Baltimore on. - Kyle Ripkin played there. - Oh, yeah. How about the World Seer? - Unbelievable. One of the great-- - Unreal. - One of the great World Series of all time. Game 7 was insane. So let me tell you a little bit about my Halloween, 'cause it was one heck of a Halloween weekend. - Hello, Zeeve. - Hey, folks. Two stories brought to you by Fabletics. I'm wearing it right now. We love Fabletics. Joe's smell horrible, but they feel great. They look great. If you have only one pair of sweats for the gym, they're gonna get gross quick. Get yourself active wear at a steal with Fabletics. The Fabletics fit and feel are durable and stylish enough for everyday wear. Sign up at a new VIP Fabletics member and get 80% off everything. After that, the membership is about 70 bucks a month. That monthly fee includes a credit. You can use towards a full outfit or bundle up to 100 bucks. Skip any month if you like. Hey. And since they send you a reminder, there are never any surprise to arges. That's very nice. I'm wearing them right now. Joe's wearing them. We're at Skankfest. They feel great. They look great. I've farted. 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She brings my nephew, Herbson, who is a senior in high school. She brings his girlfriend. So I got my sister and my nephew and his girlfriend all staying at my house. You've been to my house. It's a very small apartment. So I just have three people sleeping in my living room. Wow. Then you have a two-year-old kid that wakes up. So you've got to sneak him through to my bedroom. Now he's just on the bed with me, because you're trying not to wake these people up. But then they're in your house. So it's kind of like, what the fuck? Yeah, yeah. And so we have Halloween. And these young kids, they don't always want to do things. And they're fucking cleaves. It's strange. Halloween was so fun to me. I know. Even as an adult, do you dress up? You go to a party, you go see something creepy. And your house? A haunted house, a smash a pumpkin, or another band? A scary movie, anything. So Marty's two now. So he's like, pumps. We all got skeleton costumes. The big thing is he's Sarah and him. We all dress as skeletons. We're a family of skeletons. And in New York City, if you're not familiar, you trick-or-treat in buildings. We live in a huge building. And people would sign up to participate. This is another thing that's weird. And maybe it's a lot of foreigners, I don't know. We have like 114 units. You have to sign up if you want to participate in trick-or-treating, like getting a candy. I guess people don't want to get knocked on. I guess, but most people, it's inside the buildings. People just leave candy out and say, happy Halloween. Oh, okay. That was like most of the houses. Okay. It was only like 16 units. Oh, that's appalling. You're like, buy some candy. Leave it out, you fucks. Yeah. I don't get these don't participate, people. Cheap cuts, they're all still born or sterile. Well, I think a lot of them are from, you know, Pakistan or something, they're like, I don't know what the fuck you're talking about. Right, right, don't leave out a curry or a samosa. But anyway, so we go, we gotta go trick-or-treating. We sign up, we set up the, we had music play. We had a little strobe light and a pumpkin and a balloon. It was fun. But we did it up, three Q. And then you're wondering what kind of, how is Mario gonna take trick-or-treating? So we go to the first apartment. He knocks on the door and he says, trick-or-treating. And the lady comes and she's got a tray. This is Manhattan. So this lady, I'm used to like white trash or shit. She has a silver tray with full candy bars like lined up in order with a big circular thing. Whoa. And he was very respectful. He just took one candy bar adorable. Very human being. He said, thank you. By the way this morning we were leaving. He's like trick-or-treating. He wasn't trick-or-treating every day now. That's lunch. So she was great. That was awesome. And then this is the other funny thing. Sarah's like, we gotta get him a little plastic pumpkin to collect the things and now I'm a white trash piece of shit. So I'm like, what are you talking about? Pillow case. Yeah, or a shopping bag. So we had a fucking like, cum stain lubed up pillow case. It's this long, it's longer than him. Right. And everyone has these cutesy little things and Sarah's like, we gotta get him something next year. This is embarrassing. I'm like, wow, whatever. Thanks a bag. That's ethical. Wow, we're in a luxury man hat in the park. We were walking around with a fucking pillow case. But I thought it was fun and funny. And so we went door to door. There's only a few do it. And you got to walk up all these floors of carrying them. But he had a great time. Wait, what's the costume? Skeletons. Oh, both of you. All three of us are Skeletons. Oh, wow. The satin painted her face. all crazy and sexy and scary. Yeah, it was all black. And, uh, anyway, so that was awesome. We finished, it's like five o'clock. It goes from five to eight. So it's like five, 20. And then my nephew and his girlfriend are just sitting around the house. I go, ah, let's go. We're going to the parade. Hey, because New York City has a massive Halloween parade. That's true. This is thrilling. And I haven't been in years. I used to go when I was drinking. You go down to the village and get fucking blackout drunk. It's a hoot and a holler down. I mean, it's packed. All the sidewalks are jammed. You can't move on the subway. It's a crazy down there. It's insane. And everyone should experience it. I've said this for many years. New York City, all the holidays are the best in New York City. That's to their amplified. Thanks, given you had the Macy's day parade. Christmas, you got Rockefeller center. Santa with the bell, the tree, all the stuff, the big massive tree and such a park's all done up, whatever. And then Halloween, you have the massive parade. Yeah, of course. It's the ball drop. Fourth of July's exciting, whatever. So I go, fuck it. We trick or treat it. Marty's all jacked up. He's loving it. It's only quarter of six. Braids at seven. And it starts not far from us. It starts in Soho. Okay. It goes all the way to the village. So I go, come on, let's all go. Come on, you fucks. I got these young people just sitting there like lumps. Well, they got this. This is all they need. This is it. Tell you their barefoot sitting on their laps and they go, well, we're going to go to eat. And I'm like, all right. And it's also funny because they're visiting from Whitman, Massachusetts. My nephew's like, I found a place called Sarafita. It's an Italian restaurant. I'm like, you go to Sarafita. It's like a high-end week. Get a piece of pie, a pizza. You don't get some New York shit. That cheese cake. So they go, they're going out and go, all right. Well, whatever. We're going to the fucking parade. God damn it. So we throw him already in the stroller. He's dressed as a skeleton. Everyone's going crazy because they see a family dressed as skeleton. They go, oh my God. You guys look great. Spooky. Whatever. We jump on the train. We take the train up a few stops. We get off at Franklin Street. As soon as you get off the train, just the music and I go, what the fuck? Look over. I forgot. I didn't even occur to me. The train stop is right in front of the ghost busters. What do you call it? Firehouse. Have you ever been there in Halloween? No. It's fucking bananas. I got to share the photos. Literally 1,000 people. The state puff marshmallow man is blunt. He's like 50 feet high. They have a DJ. The DJ's a skeleton. They had the, whatever you call the fucking car. Oh, the Ecto mobile or Ecto one. They have that thing out there. The firemen are all handing out candy. They're dressed up. By the way, it's an active firehouse. I'm like, if there's a fire, they got to kick out 800 fucking children. Yeah. I'm going to burn alive. It was people everywhere. DJ. It was awesome. And then all of us posing with the fire trucks, the thing, and then Marty's obsessed with fire trucks. And so that was awesome. It was a total serendipitous. The state we just got off. It was like, hey, what's that music? And I met all these great people. Everyone was so in good spirits. I've been a whole family. There were seven of them dressed as shark week. They all had shark costumes with Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday. It's great. And I was like, I got to photo you guys. And then I took one with their camera. And then there was great ones. Same. All these people dressed up. And then we walk up a few blocks to the beginning of the parade. And it's just packed. And everyone's got cool cotton. And then there are those people with scary costumes. Yeah. Marty just unfazed. He's just like, people like chainsaw head, beheaded people, whatever. Isis. Then we check out a little bit of the parade, the beginning of the parade. That's exciting. It's awesome cops. He's like, he's going nuts because it's like a police, a clown, a bear, a construction, everything he wants is there. This is a fun night. Then there was a guy, a beautiful professional photographer taking photos. He's like, can I get a photo of your family? This is perfect. And I said, yeah, we pose. I was like, can you send me those? He goes, no, but I need your names. I'm the New York Times photographer. Whoa. And I have a boat. I'm like, no, I don't want to be in the New York Times. I was like, God, rather than I was like, can you send them to me though? He's like, we don't really do that. And I was like, all right. I think he was mad because I wasted his time. Yeah, but now he's just a photo of your family. He just took like a bunch of photos, but I'm like, I don't want my son in the New York Times. No. So I was kind of awkward. I was like, all right, I can't get those. He's like, no. And I was like, all right, well, you can't use them. Yeah. Just kind of took off. Hey, you're like, just shoot me an email. Come on. You got a great photo of my family. Anyways, so we walked through Tribeca. Then I'm like, let's just walk back. Then we're walking through Tribeca. There's a guy dressed as a perfect pennywise, like modern day pennywise. And there's a person filming him with a camera, but he this looks cool. He's got the balloon and he's just standing there. And I'm kind of kind of shield Marty because he's got blood in his face. So I walked through the next day on Instagram. I see it was Ed Sheeran. What the fudge Sheeran put on like this crazy pennywise. We walked right by him. Wow. You couldn't tell us an Irish content there. No, because he's all made up. You can find it. I'll send you the Instagram thing. You see all these cleaves that go, oh, you live in New York. I got a house in Michigan for the price you pay for Ranna. I get 17 pulls a car and a golf course. That's what it's all about. You're at the parade. You're at the firehouse with the Ghostbusters. You're fucking Ed Sheeran. That was really something else. And I told you that. So I saw him in an invite only concert in Dublin. I remember that. And I left early. It was like this. I get it. Yeah. Yeah. It was like 80 people. It was like a private thing. People would have paid a billion dollars. I was like this. Okay. I got it. He's got red hair. He plays guitar. I remember at the time. It was so long ago. I'd never heard of him. And you were like, oh, there was girls everywhere. They were screaming. I was like, man, this guy must be like James Dean or something. Bieber type. But I looked at him. I was like, that's how I find. I never heard of me. I was like, yeah, I'll go. That sounds cool. And then yeah, it was like literally thousands of teeth. I'd be like, oh, my God. Yeah. And then I had the wristband thing. I was like, can I give my wristband to someone like, you can't do that. I'm like, that sucks. Yeah. I have a wristband to see this artist close up in my only. Let me give it to some teenager. Of course. I get ahead. Yeah. And exchange for a blowjob. Yeah. Head Sheeran. So anyways, that was good. That's like, what a night. I hope these fuckingqueef kids appreciate it. No, they didn't come. They went out to dinner. It was just me and I just to come. Guzzler. And then we got home and like, you're just telling the story. They're like, yeah. They're not even like, oh, we should have gone. They're like, well, whatever. God, I can't be faced because they're the rods and cones are all numbed up. Uh, yeah. So that was annoying. And then I mean, frustrating, but still awesome fucking great Halloween. And then the next day, I took him to the top of the world trade center, the whole crew. It's right across the street from my house. And I'm like, let's go up to the tallest building in the Western hemisphere. Yeah, you got that right. I'll take you up there. And I was like, seven of us. It's like 300 bucks, like 50 bucks a person. I'm like, well, whatever. We're going to have a good time. Let's get up there. They're all just on the bench looking at TikTok. I'm like, look at this. Marty's going nuts. He's right out. He's in the window like Ferris Bueller. Should have taken that phone and shut it right up the roof. I know. Like a gay in Afghanistan. And then this is a nice moment. I go up to, you know, people are hungry. I go. There's like a little cafe thing at the top of the building. And I go, yeah, give me a box of those. One of those two of those. I'll take a vanilla donut, a chocolate donut. They as a young black lady behind the thing. She goes, just so you know, these are seven dollars a piece. These donuts, seven bucks a piece. That's bananas. Because they got you up there, Jerry. Of course, it's like an airport. What are you going to do? So I was like, oh my god. Thank you for telling me. I was like, all right. I'll just have two donuts. And then I go, let me ask you this. Is there a, I live across the street discount? And she's like, you're from here? And I was like, yeah, I live right there. You can see my building from the top of the tower. And she's like, I'll give you a free donut. How about that? Well, it's a bunch of Cleveland cuts out there. You get to be a nice local. I love Cleveland. So that was cool. And then last but not least of my stupid gay stories, I got to talk about my sesh comedy. I heard about this from afar. This was the special night. The next one is November 19th. I don't know. Maybe that's this week. Maybe that's past. I have no idea what day it is. But we did the sesh show. Joe lists downtown comedy showcase. Best show in North America. If you ask me, it's a hot room. It's a hot crowd. It's a hot time. That club is awesome. So I have, there's the lineup. Me, Sarah Talamash, Nick Griffin, Dayton, Bassett, Colin Quinn, Brendan Sagalo. Hey, now can I tell you something? Luke Motors has been talking about this for a while. That Brendan's, I've made fun of him. I didn't believe him. I'm like, you're out of your mind. This Sagalo's a retard. Uh-huh. He might be the funniest comic in America. This guy is just next level. I'm telling you, he's been on the row with Soda. I don't know what he's doing. If he's listening to sets, if he's writing, if he, what the hell he's doing? Maybe someone, you know, gave him a GL one for comedy. Uh-huh. This guy murders. That's sound you said he in the set of the night. Set of the night. Quinn's next to me. He's like, that's a funny fucking bastard. Jesus Christ. He's like, who is this guy? I mean, Sagalo fucking murdered. Quinn murdered, Griffin murdered. Sarah murdered. Dayton was there. Boy, it was awesome. Love the diversity. Yeah, well you might sir, they're easier to talk to you know, I hear you know, I try I try every week but the problem is the I don't care. You don't have to explain to me a lot of the Black people the gay people the women they're busy. They got gigs. They're in demand. They're working Yes, they're like hey, I got seven other offers here. Yeah. I'm doing a movie with Kevin Hart right so and I apologize to the audience up front but they didn't care and then how about this? This is exciting Well, I am dying. There's a hot girl front row and I mean girl. She's like 10. She was 26 but 26-year-olds looked 11 to me Yeah, they do and I go I was doing some crowd work. They whatever I have a boo and I go away you single Yeah, I'm single. What's that week probably get you laid? I go anyone here This guy's hot. He's sitting across. I go how old are you 24? Okay? I go your hot your hot you guys are equal levels of hot You guys should fuck wow. I wish it was that easy. Then I kept calling back to it you guy if you guys type a boom After the show they exchange numbers You're a matchmaker every single audience member is walking out pointing going Wow, he walked out. He's like I can't thank you enough. I got our number and I'm like good luck So hopefully they fucking send me a video. Well, here's the thing about ladies hot ladies don't get approached believe it or not Right, so they're going. How do I get laid? How do I get laid? They did a herpes riddled comedian to make it happen Well, I feel really good about it because it's hard to talk to a woman. Yes. You're saying it's not easy to just meet somebody meet cute or whatever So it's somebody gives you this thing. It was a running gag through the show It really should talk and he doesn't look like a creep because you did all of it right and then so naturally you're like I guess we should we should it wouldn't be funny if we went on a day Yeah, and if that guy couldn't get the number after that he should kill him. Right. Well, he's a good looking boy And it's Sarah's like what do you murders her wouldn't that be funny. I was like that would be the ultimate if he just killed her now That's a romco and I'm like whoops, but enough with the murdering they're everywhere. Is he gonna murder me? I'm like the chances of that are very low. Yeah, no one murders that doesn't happen. You dying a car ride on the way home absolutely, but That was awesome and yeah, Salcus was there. He shot photos quid's the fucking man. Hell yeah It was great. Maybe there was something else. I can't remember. Let me just say how we doing on that time there too, too Okay, let me just say this is an embarrassing and wrote two new jokes in Baltimore Which is a great feeling because I got the the specials in the can you know about that window. I love the window Big window rear window and especially in the camera. It's not out yet So I still get to do the old and then try new so I have the cushion right of the old Got two new jokes working no better feeling and then Got drunk of course watch the world series mean Umar and the greener like oh shit. That's crazy. Oh, you know by the way he watched the Orioles in the 90s in Baltimore with Ripkin. That's exciting. That must have been fun. Yeah But ever so we talked about that we're drinking Um, I go to bed wake up Got to catch an amtrak and I go okay Look at that. It's that I run downstairs and I go I can catch five minutes of the free breakfast and then I'll go to the amtrak. Oh boy I'm hungover, but fuck it. I get down there. They slam the breakfast door in my face and I go what the hell come on? It said Daylights. Yeah, I'm looking at the watch the time X doesn't reset. It's on an iPhone So I go oh, I lost an hour of sleep. I got a slept more and I missed the breakfast. Oh god. So I uh I get the door slid in my face. I look to my left Two people at the breakfast from the show. Oh boy. That's awkward. So they're like hey That was bad. I go yeah, what are you gonna do? And they go let's get a photo and I go okay, so the photo will be like You know, and then uh get the photo with them. I'm getting the uber I happen to walk down the hallway They left the employee door open. Hey, I'm listening. So I sneak in I get a handful of captain crunch. I stuffed two hard boiled eggs in my pocket I put a banana my ass and I ran out of there and I jump in the uber Got to the train station left my sunglasses. Oh Jesus karma Kramer. That sounds like a episode of the daily double or daily trouble. What was that Nickelodeon? Double there double there double there. You gotta you gotta put this banana in your asshole and keep these eggs from popping Yeah, you ever have that to you. I'm in the uber. It's like a 20-minute ride. I go oh my glasses are right there And back to the phone and then I got out sure and you left it in my house the other day too. I know I'm a mess. Oh boy. I'm trying to leave the kid on a church steps. It didn't work fair Well, it's peanut butter allergy. Forget about it. Yeah, I'm gonna get around Yeah, damn late term abortion, huh? Yeah One way to get rid of it, but all right. Well, where are you gonna be there, Chachi? I'm the hospital if I keep feeling like this my god When does this come out the 80s? 17th 17th we are way we're gonna be talking about Halloween. Well into Thanksgiving. Well Wednesday Is loose the next session. I don't know who's on it. Maybe you'll be a I would love to I think Luke Moses is in town. He'll probably be on it. Okay And then Lexington Kentucky Oh, fuck Lexington, Kentucky, December 4th through the 6th. Yep. I'm in Vegas in January. I have Oh the Uncle Dale firehouse show we do every year this year is on November 28th And I believe Holbrook, Massachusetts. I'll get those details to you. That's Sue. That's next weekend. Mm-hmm And yeah, a bunch of fun stuff coming up. I got the special coming out. Mm-hmm Special coming out. The special is out. My fucking brain is rotten. Yeah, small ball is out right now approaching a million go watch that And then the top Dustin movie you can get on punch up. Get on punch up for the love of God. Yeah. Yeah, punch ups the best. I'm uh Coming all over your face. I'm coming to Minneapolis Fort Lauderdale Shit I got it. I thought I could do it off the dome, but I apparently I got it. It's very hard San Diego this weekend two shows once sold out. Come on by Um, then I'm gonna pop into LA for some stuff, baby And then it's Phoenix with Shane Gillis prior Lake, Minnesota Portland with Gillis. We'll see ice out there. Boise Kansas City funny bone and Then we are off and running to a whole new tour. It's called mumbo jumbo I just announced it on my Instagram. Check it out. Get some bodega cat for the love of God Hopefully we find that horror we yelled at me and uh, chuckles where you're gonna be at Check out my podcast fun bearable. We just put up or maybe it's this week My one-on-one life panel with Hank is area. Wow So I'm very excited. Is that happened yet in real time? No, it's happening this Saturday. Okay, little little nerve-wracking I bet in front of an audience. He's a legend And I have to do the malrats one with all the people from malrats Jason Lee Everybody Wow, like initials like six people Michael Rooker is on it. I love Michael Rooker I gotta be like hey Rooky. What's this? You know what I mean? Like I gotta Take care of a lot of this stuff. I got to lead the panel. So it's speaking of Michael Rooker. Yes, and you're a wrestling guy. Oh, yeah No two people have ever looked so similar as sin justice and Michael Rooker. It's fucking crazy That is crazy. I can't see one without the other They look so similar to me that is crazy also Michael Rooker has one of the favorite line deliveries in the history of cinema jav and jfk when uh they they shoot uh Who killed uh Oswald? They shoot Oswald. He goes uh. This is crazy. It's fucking great delivery Uh-huh. Love it. Yeah. Uh-huh. So yeah, well Joe loves your that line But yeah, so that's coming out. We're doing big. Thanks giving stuff Really, really fun stuff coming up for Christmas. So check out fun bearable. We're doing We're doing some interesting stuff over there. I promise funbearablepod.com at funbearablepod on social media. Okay sounds good I got a wee wee and then we're gonna hit a bonus on the patreon get on it. Oh wee wee. I don't tell them. I owe you money too. Oh, yeah We're gonna figure that out. September head October You say time Marketing is hard But I'll tell you a little secret. It doesn't have to be let me point something out You're listening to a podcast right now and it's great. You love the host. You seek it out and download it You listen to it while driving working out cooking even going to the bathroom podcasts are a pretty close companion and this is a podcast ad. Did I get your attention? You can reach great listeners like yourself with podcast advertising from Lib Sin ads Choose from hundreds of top podcasts offering host endorsements or run a pre-produced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience in their favorite podcasts with Lib Sin ads Go to libson ads.com. That's L-I-B-S-Y-N ads.com today