#630 Monica Pooinski

Hey Mark, fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do. Great. Good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with. Stories! Hit her in the face with a surfboard. And then the duck fell out of his bag! Surf's up! And she didn't even flush. Knock knock. Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe List! Yeah! This is Tuesdays with Stories, everybody. No, that's terrible. This is supposed to be cheesy. My radio is spitting at me. Hey, we're back! We're here, we're queer. The shit smell is palpable, Jerry. Is it bad? I don't know how you got on the train with that. Well, the train smells like shit. Is the camera pointed over there? What's going on here? I feel like it's off kilter. Feels like it's down here. Am I crazy? Is it getting the poo? Oh, this is the middle. I see. Is it getting this? Malcolm in the middle. Well, so here's the deal. Folks, let me just bust open the wall, the fourth wall, kick it down like Dane Cook. He was always kicking in doors. That's true. Kool-Aid man. Yeah, a lot of smashing of doors. Anyway, oh, I just got it. Yeah, it's a whopper. Well, so here's what's happening, folks. You know me, still the same OG, but I've been low-key. I traveled back from Dallas yesterday. Got a COVID mask over there. Flew back. Uh-huh. And, you know, you get home, you want to run home to see the baby. Today's his birthday. We're recording on his birthday because you're out of town. My wife is filming some porn or something. That's about time. I'm wide every day this week. I'm like, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, you tell me. You leave Thursday. Sarah's shooting a film on Wednesday. Tuesday, you got whatever. You're out picking daisies. Yep, yep. And so today's the day. It's my son's birthday. He sobbed when I left. You're making my son cry. Oh, sorry. I told him. I said, it's Mark's fault. He says, I never liked that guy. I get that. So, I don't know. I get home and. I never touched him. I get home last night. I hang with the baby, whatever. And then you wake up in the morning. He wakes up at 6.30 a.m. It's his birthday. I'm excited to see him. Give him the gifts. I grab a pair of pants. I toss him on. Sure, that's what you do. So then. One leg at a time. I have this thing. I put his clothes on. I go up. He pooped. Yeah. He baby shit himself. That's what they do. And then you check the diaper. You do this. And you go. No, he didn't shit. Weird. So then we just got him some new toys. It's his birthday. And I'm like, I think these toys smell like shit. So I'm smelling them like this. I'm like, yeah. The toy. I don't know what they do. What are they? And they're like zoo animals. So I'm like, what are they? Spray the zoo animals with shit? That's kind of fun. It's kind of like a. What do you call that? Scratch and sniff. Scratch and sniff. Yeah. So I'm like, must be that. Then I go, oh, well, whatever. And then I move around a little. I go, I think I smell more shit. So I start checking my hands. I wash the diaper. I clean the diaper. Whatever. I go, now I'm clean. Got to be that upper lip. I go, yeah, maybe I did eat some ass in Dallas. Dallas. That'll do it. Sounds like a country song. I ate some ass in Dallas. As in all of us. Jerry Jeff Walker. So I go, wait. Maybe it's the rug. So I'm down on my hands and knees with the couch, looking with the flashlight. Yeah. Because with a baby, there could be shit on the walls, on the ceiling, in your mouth, anywhere. Well, then you've got those people. What's up with these people that are like, did you ever see the documentary on TLC? There's shit everywhere. Oh, the black light guy. Yes. Always the black light guy. They're like, you should see all the shit, the picture frame, the bowling trophy, Chuck's face. Your keyboard. Your keyboard's basically an AIDS factory. It's all poop particles, which I don't buy it, Jerry. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't believe in germs. I'm like Brad Pitt from 12 Monkeys. Oh, yeah. I believe in them. I just, if you get in the germs and absorb it, you're better. Everybody's trying to avoid germs. You've got to fuck the germs, blow the germs, and eat out the germs. Well, I keep doing this. I do a meet and greet after every show. Same. I shake 300 hands, and then you go back to the green room, I'm biting my nails, I'm jerking off, eating wings. Yeah, yeah. Finger licking good. And then everyone goes, did you get hand sanitizer? I'm like, ah, I forgot. Never touch it. I don't either. I don't like the feel of it. No, and you get 300 Jews shaking your hand and eating all those germs, you're going to be a superhero. That's what I think, but then I just get sick. Yeah. You don't get sick that much. But you're supposed to. You're supposed to get sick. Of course. Well, anyways, so then we go to the playground, and we're sitting there, and I go, okay, now we put, I just really smelled it. Now for sure, I check the diaper, clean as a whistle, clean as my gun, and Sarah goes, I've been having this too, phantom poo smell. Yes. Which happens, it's kind of like you think your phone's vibrating. Sometimes you think the baby's crying, and he's not. You're like, oh, is that, oh, no, I guess not. I get that all the time. I also think that with, like, women like me. I'm like, did that woman want to fuck me? And then Sarah's like, no, she doesn't want to fuck you. No, it's a stripper. So anyways, so then I ride the train. Well, there's shit everywhere on that. Exactly. That's a poo factory. And then there was another moment where I was like, oh, I still smell poo. Anyways, fast forward. I sit down right here. Time to podcast. I look. Oh! I shit my dick. Monica Poo-insky. Look at that. Yeah, I could. I got a whiff from here, Fatty. That's a big baby streak of poo. That is quite a skid. That's bad. That looks like a car went off the road. Well, here's what happens is, you know, you change the diaper, and then he sits on your lap before he puts the new diaper on. Or whatever. Something. I don't know. Maybe I shit my dick. I don't know. But I got shit on my dick. Yeah. Well, I think we've all had that with a stripper. You get the stripper on your lap, and then you're like, wait a minute. What are these crystals? Right. You know, you get the weird gooey, smegma down there from, you know, Tom, Dick, and Anal. What was Flavor Crystals? Was that something? Flavor. Was that a rapper? I don't know. Wasn't there a gum? Yeah. I think there was a gum with Flavor Crystals. Remember that? They pulled it out, and they showed you, like, the ding, ding, ding, ding. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Which I think is just sugar, but it's a good euphemism. Yeah, I remember here, it's like those things that stick in your brain as childhood that you never really paid attention to, but it's still in there. Right. Like, when someone says, yikes, they still say stripes, fruit-striped gum. Oh, yeah. I get those, too. I never had fruit-striped gum. Oh, I just smelled it. It's a whopper, Jerry. Whew. I got shit on my pants. Pungent. And I was going to wear these pants for another week and a half. Well, you're in the right city for having shit on your pants, because you're blending in. Oh, boy. You know what I get? Yeah, I told you, get me some spray or something. Well, we got what they smell to be real. Oh, boy. How about this one? After these messages, we'll be right back. Yeah. In my head, 24 hours a day. Sarah still says that any time she leaves, to the point that it's actually annoying. I'm like, all right, all right, I get it. Yeah, you get it. Time for another cartoon. Six feet of bubble gum for you, not them. Remember that one? Oh, that was fruit by the foot. Oh, fruit by the foot. No, no, bubble tape. Maybe you're right. Maybe it wasn't bubble tape. Okay. Those are similar. Yeah, yeah. A lot of gooey poison for the kids out there. A lot of just sugary. I mean, the cookie crunch. It was Taste the Rainbow. That was scary. It was Skittles. Oh, yeah. Whoa. Oh, maybe that'll help. Oh, double trouble. Yeah, bring that over here. I'd rather the new fart smell than the old shit stain. Oh, that's bad. That's bad. Ah, they've combined. They've transformered themselves. This is bad news, Ben. Oh, good Lord. Now, let me tell you, I don't have much. I got the poo thing. Luckily, this is the best thing that ever happened to the podcast. Well, the poo is not ending. It's the gift that keeps on shitting. Well, I just shit my pants, I think. And this is really bad. I mean, this is a bad situation. I'll give you some cologne on the way out. And I can't change for a while. We got to do this whole episode. We got to do a bonus. Then I got to ride the subway back. I got to go to the balloon store. Whoo! Balloon nut. Man, you're going to get a few bucks handed to you on the train. Well, and you can see it. Yeah. Wow, and it's right on the honker. Well, this is like primary color. Evidently, maroon and brown makes black. Oh, I thought you meant the Travolta movie. Remember that? It was like Clinton? He was the president, I think. I kind of don't remember that movie. Isn't it weird that he went gay, and he just lied his whole life, and then he finally was like, I'm gay, and his wife left? No, I don't think he came out. Oh, he didn't? He got popped thrice at a gay masseuse massage party. But I don't think he's out, because of Scientology. Ah, they hold on to you. Yeah, I think they got him. I believe John Travolta's never come out. We just know it to be true. Wow. Is he still with Kevin? Is he still with Kelly Preston? She died, didn't she? What? I think she died of cancer. Then he's definitely gay. He killed his wife. Fact check me on this. I think he's not out of the closet, and Kelly Preston's dead. I think you're right about the dead. Maybe she took her own life when she saw him fucking a dude in the ass. Right and right. All right. Nine and a thousand. Yeah, I know Travolta. I guess so. It was Michael. Remember that movie? Phenomenon. Those came out like back to back. I think they both sucked. And then we had Powder. There was a big supernatural homo. Supernatural vibe going on. I hate supernatural. I don't love it either. I just watched. It was my only problem with weapons. I know. It's tough. But it's a horror. I get it. I keep smelling poo. What was the one I just watched? Oh, Together. The body horror. Ah. With James Franco's brother. That's a horror. The fart and the shit stain together. Did you watch that? It was rough, right? I thought it was pretty good, but then it gets supernatural. I don't care. The movie. I mean, I don't want to turn this into a movie pod, but they fall. down a cave. Okay. And then they just stay there. They're just like, oh, we'll sleep here. What? And they have a blanket. Where'd the blanket come from? All of a sudden, they have a blanket, and they're like, we'll just hang out down here. And then the woman's like, we've got to get out of here. And he's like, and what? Face the storm? We're like, yes. Yes, leave. Don't be in the rain. Who's in it? James Franco's brother, and then otherly, not Brie Larson, but Allison Brie. They're married in real life. They're a real couple, yeah. They produce a lot of stuff together, and they produced that together and started it, obviously. But they fall down a well, and he's like, wait, what are we going to do? Face the storm? And you're like, well, you were just in the storm. Right. And it's like 100 yards away. You're going to just live in a fucking pit? Yeah. Also, it's a storm. It's rain. What are you going to do with rain? Very silly. But there's a fun part where they fuck, and his dick gets stuck in her pussy, because the whole thing, they start to stick together. What? Kind of hot. Why? The jizz? No, no. It's like the supernatural. Oh, that's cool. It's all sticky. That's the whole plot. Do they show it? Yeah, kind of. Whoa. I mean, they just show him. You don't see his dick for a second. It's a stretchy dick. Yeah. What? It's true body horror. Like, the most body horror I've seen probably since The Substance. I saw a lot in college. It's really, well, Skankfest, you're going to see quite a bit of body horror. Oh, Zac Amico. That's body horror. By the way, let me just tell you this quick thing about our stupid producer over here. Oh, shit. So we're shooting the film. Skankfest is officially in production. You're the first interview. I'm honored. And the best interview, I might add. I'm the only one. No, there's a bunch. We shot, we got Mikey Figgs. We got, I mean, it's good. It's going to be a packed house at this theater. We got stupid Mike Figgs. Oh, it smells like shit. It's rough. Mikey Figgs. My eyes are watering. We had Karen Feehan. We interviewed Peyton Ruddy. Woo, really scraping the anal here, huh? Give me something. Give me some juice. All right, we got a black. And you. OK. So we're going to get Tim Dillon this week. Don't worry. We're going to get some people. But I bet Gillis will pop in. Nah. On the day. Maybe. Is he going? He's not going. Eh, I don't know. I bet he goes. He went last year. He skipped Riyadh, so he owes us. That's true. He was there last year. Was he there last year? He was, yeah. He skipped the year before that, and it was a big to-do. But last year, he showed up. And he did, of course, when he shows up, Lewis is like, you got to do every pod. You got to do every show now that you're here. And he's like, oh, my god. Oh, yeah. He did the regs. That's right. And Nate was there, too. We had Nate and Shane, the big two. Yes, that's right. Well, anyways. So I have a meeting. I'm directing this film. I put together, I assemble a camera crew, the best of the best. If you know an ugly white nerd with a camera, he's on our crew. Yeah, Chuck. We got Chuck, Lex, Salicus, the other guy. I love it. Old Peter Strickland down in Atlanta. Of course, Patrick Holbert, my main man. We got them all together. Big Zoom meeting. Hell, yeah. And this is the first meeting. Oh, I love a meeting. This is it. Clan. 11 a.m. 10 a.m. 14 a.m. That's for me. I'm in Dallas. Hi. Everybody shows up. We're all there. Producer. We got a producer. She's great. Everyone's missing. But everyone's there. But Chuckles. What? No Chuck. It's like 11.02, 11.03. Should we wait? Where is this guy? What's up with this guy? Interesting. 11.10. Oh, boy. 11.15. Oh, jeez. Finally, he shows up. And it's just the image. He's not even there. It's just like his head shot. Oh. And it's ugly. I'll tell you that. I hate the image. We should have got Shelby. He's just sitting there. You never see his face. The only one who don't see his face. I'm going, this is this guy. This is this guy. My father's gay. That's the point of the Zoom. It's a face-to-face. Otherwise, you can do a phone call. Then he pops in. I go, Chuck, can you ask a question? He pops in. He's like this. Oh. One eye open. One closed. I went to bat for the guy. He looks like shit. His hair's swooped. I've never seen him. He looks like my crotch right now. What were you, in the bed with a couple of harem? What was happening over there? I sleep late. I forgot about the meeting. Forgot about the meeting? It's over. How many film crews are you on? The first meeting. He texted me at 11.10, and I'm in my bed. Oh, man. You were laying down. I was like, oh, he's laying down. I wasn't laying down. I was laying down like this. I was pacing, and then I was sitting like this. I was dressed. I'm up at 6 AM, for God's sakes. I was somewhat dressed. Anyways, he stinks. What have you been up to? Where are you? Well, I got a lot going on. Let me throw this at you here. Let me put this on. Let me pull my notes up. Sorry, I can't think straight. I know, I know. The shit smell is pungent. Let me tell you why I'm a pussy and why being a pussy can hurt your life. Sure, please. Okay. First off, I do a set at Gotham Comedy Club for some benefit, for like retards. Okay. So I walk in. They go, don't say tar. Don't say this. It's a benefit for special needs kids. And you go, oh, jeez, thank God you told me. So I go bomb. You get a nice paycheck. I leave to go to another set. I realize I left a paycheck. That's the whole reason you do these gigs. You don't want to help kids. You want the money. Of course. Who cares about kids? I know. They shit on your dick. I know. This is bad. I'm going to get E. coli. So I go, all right, whatever. I'll get the check tomorrow. So I get a call from Gotham the next day. Hey, you left your check here. Can you swing by and grab it? And I go, yeah, I'll come by at 8.30. I do a set. I go to Gotham. I walk in. Guess who's there? Guess who's on stage? Jerry Seinfeld. You got it. Now, remember how a week ago I was like, I'm going to text old Jerry. I haven't texted him in a while. Yeah, what happened? I pussed out. I go, ah, he doesn't want to hear from me. I got low self-esteem. I suck. I'm bothering him. You know, you text a guy and you picture him going, ugh. But you had the in. Sam saw him and passed. I know. You go, hey, you saw my buddy Sam. Yeah. Easy in. Easy in. Smash, bam, boom. I didn't, I didn't, I couldn't pull the trigger. It's been too long. You know, if you don't text someone for a while, you can't go back. This is like Atomic Habits, the power of habit. No too bad days. So true. Otherwise, you're casting a vote for I don't text him. Ah, you're right. You're a guy that doesn't text now. That's a good book. Wonderful book. Yes. It didn't help me, but I read it. Sure. Atomic bomb. So I never texted, and then now I'm watching him on stage, and he's doing great. He's got some new stuff, and I'm listening to the jokes. I'm saving in my head for if I see him. And then I go, well, now I never texted. Now he's here. Now I can't bump into him, because then it's a whole, now he's got to be like, oh, yeah, you want to chat? He just wants to go home. But the bump in is easier. Is it? Hey, yeah, hey, look who's here. What are you doing here? Yeah. You don't say, what are you doing here? Because then he's like, comedy. Right. Yeah, well, I went too long with the text, and I couldn't face him. I couldn't do it. But you've got to do the flip-a-roo. If you were on stage, and you came off, wouldn't you love for Jerry to go, hey, look at this? Wow, that's a different, that's a whole different world. You're talking about Jerry to me, not me to Jerry. But Jerry seeked out you. He likes you. You don't bring him on the road. He brings you on the road. I think he did like me. I think the ship has sailed. Did he say that? Eh, no. Nobody would ever say, hey, this ship has sailed. I mean, he's not a psycho. If anyone would ever say that. If anyone was going to, he is a psycho. That's his whole thing. That's true. If anyone was going to say, I've decided I don't like you anymore, it's Jerry. Ooh, you're right. Maybe that's what I'm scared of. I think that's what you're scared of. Yeah, he's too real. Yeah, so what goes through, take me through, welcome to Mindful Metal Jacket. What goes through your head when you're in there, you see him? I keep thinking, because, you know, look, we've got people in our life. If you saw them at a show, surprisingly, you'd be like, how do I get out of this one? I don't want to chat with this guy. Right, but there's no evidence that at some point I liked him and wanted him in my life. Yeah. Like, the people that I see around town, I go, oh, fuck. I never was like, hey, want to do a huge gig with me? Oh, that's a good point. That's a good point. We'll do a huge gig together, and then I'll take you out for pizza. Right. And then I'll be on the Mets broadcast, and when they ask me who I like, I'll say their name. Right. That's big evidence. Yeah, it's big evidence. But the Mets, he didn't say anybody else. He said, I'll tell you, there's this one guy I like, Mark Norman. He didn't say, oh, there's Mark, there's Shane, there's Pete, there's Bob, there's Dave, there's Ralph. I hear you. He said, Mark. I hear you loud and clear. Okay. Yeah, you got something there. So there's evidence. There's evidence. I mean, we could probably do like a mental, what do you call that when they do the medium? We could probably come up together with somebody I'm thinking about that I don't want to see ever. Yeah. And they might go, hey, but I'm not. There's no reason for them to do that. Yeah, yeah. Because I never said, oh, that guy's my favorite. Yeah, you're right. Well, this is all part of what I'm about to say. Please. So again, I go, I can't face him because he's going to go, oh. I keep picturing him going, oh, hey, what's up, man? I don't know why. That's where my brain goes. I'm fucked up. I know. I'm trying to help. So I'm like, ah. So I feel that he's starting to wind down his set. So I get the hell out of there. Because I don't want him to have to bump into me. I do get this. I've done things like this my whole career. That's why my career is in the toilet. And that's why we're friends, maybe. Because we're simpatico. But I go, all right, all right. Then I go, OK, this is your chance. You've been putting off the text. Text him. But then I go, well, I can't text him. Because then he's going to go, why didn't you say hi? Yeah. So I'm already gone. You can say, I got to run to another spot, which he likes. That's true. That's true. And it's not a lie. I did have to go to another set. Hey, I caught a little bit of your set. I had to run. Yeah. I missed you. Yeah. Talk soon. hope you're well so i never i don't know if i told you this but about a year ago or a year and a half ago he texted me hey i'm doing the beacon can you do these dates boom boom boom and i said ah i'd love to but i couldn't i had some big some crate like europe i was in i couldn't get out of it so i was like i'd love to but i'm going to your because i threw it out there what are you gonna do and i go okay so then i don't do the high i don't do the text i leave gotham next day it's a friday night i'm never here on a friday always on the road on the weekend i'm walking to upper west side stand up new york comedy club new york club whatever it is and of course i walk by the beacon tonight jerry seinfeld sold out and i go i bet if i had texted i'd be on that gig because i'm never here we could have been like hey uh what are you doing tomorrow i'm doing the beacon you want to open he's already asked me to open right so if i was in town which i never am on a weekend i bet i could open that gig and that's my point that's what you get for not initiating well at least you could have hung out and still could have popped in that day you're like that's true you could have texted you could have waited you could have texted i'd missed you yeah show up at the beacon probably the beacon show up would have been a bold move that's bold i would i would only do that with the invite but hamilton of course i texted hamilton you know bullshitting what are you up to tonight just left the beacon that could have been you that could have been me and look i love hamilton i'm happy for hamilton but uh it's a good it's a good musical but yeah i didn't care for it oh i never saw it i didn't get it really hey what's up yo my name is sam adams and i'm here to say they named a beer after me because i'm gay who gives a shit yeah it sucks yeah well i don't know i don't care for rap in a musical no it's too cringy i find that lin-manuel ruiz whatever his name is off-putting i hate that guy yeah thanks he's such a queefy guy he's so queefy he was in curb i know i didn't care for him there either and then he did uh he got kind of canceled which was the worst cancel of all time because he they said uh you didn't have any dark-skinned he had like the wrong color i didn't book off uh palette the color palette here i didn't book off pigment so hamilton now maybe now you text all of these things well that's what i did so then i said you suck fuck you i'm on broadway going people are walking by giving me change and shit i'm like oh my god i hate what am i doing look at well look at what you've done so i'm like under the beacon like throwing my hat on the ground and stepping on it i'm an idiot so this is where what's going on in this head so then i go fuck it and i just text him a whole thing like hey gotham didn't say hi should have said hi just saw you at the beacon on the marquee i love that one bit and uh and then i push send i said it's done live with it you're a pussy grow up kill yourself you're in your 40s okay i have a child so you're a pussy yeah so so then now you go okay i did it then you start going oh you hadn't written back yet yeah oh he's probably mad at me oh i shouldn't text it and then i'm like what am i doing so now again i'm on the sidewalk yelling at myself and i go to the set and it's fine but it's just a little bit of a lesson where i i could sit here and harp over this i could sit here and dwell but i'm just gonna learn my lesson and go don't ever do that again and that's my takeaway did you written back he did okay he wrote hey thanks so then today i'm gonna text him how about breakfast tomorrow that's not bad i'm doing it he's a human being yes i'm a man he's an unpleasant man too i mean he's he yells at bobby he yelled he makes fun of horny you're not he's not better than you right who the hell is he well yes and he's jewish that takes him down a peg yeah like fucking zionist piece of shit i know kill it but no but uh yeah so good on you good for you the seal is broken i know but you could have been hanging out all this time i used to be besties i've missed so many literally years of not hanging out and he probably is going well mark's busy he's the busiest comment he's probably saying i'm old i'm out of touch what the hell does he want from me right i'm just some asshole with a show 30 years ago i'm doing the same old act even though i talk about how much i write yeah he doesn't want to hear from me he's young he's out he's having fun so he's probably in his head about you maybe well yeah you always hear women talk like that you know like i my my girlfriend in college she had all she lived with like four girls in a big house and i would go over there and they'd be like bobby doesn't like me but i'm like man you're you're like smoking hot bobby'd love to fuck you right they were like oh i'm fat i look and look at my gained an inch here my tits aren't that big my pussy stinks or whatever it is and you're like but you're like wow it's weird hearing girls because we're we're always on the other end going she hates me i'm a nerd i got a tiny dick but they're all out there nervous too well that's the thing is everyone's all fucked up and going through their shit you got that right fatty which is important to remember all the time you get intimidated by people but they're not thinking about you as much as you think they are and they're not even upset they're just not you're not even on their mind yes most whew that's a whiff of shit no you got to be used to it i can't even smell it anymore well i get it in waves fatty and it's a distinct baby dung well it's not just baby dung it's been hanging out all day all night from last night it's growing it's alive yeah what can you do this could be a good uh like a like a john carpenter movie you know yes like a baby thing and then it becomes a thing right right then you have like you got a baby growing out of your ass i've been watching toy story 3 that movie is heartbreaking all those toy stories are pretty good yeah very beautiful touching film my god pixar kills it yeah they're good raycon if you've been waiting to try out raycon there's no better time than black friday cyber monday sale to get up to 30 off all raycon products start with raycon's everyday earbuds they have been a fan favorite since day one packed with upgrades like active noise cancellation multi-point connectivity and ergonomic fit that actually stays put no matter what you're up to i wear them to run to sleep to bang all day long on the flight they're great for canceling out that sound of the airplane with new colors like blush violet and mint along with their classics carbon black no matter your style raycon has got something for you over three million customers already love raycon if you don't love yours for any reason returns are easy with raycon's 30-day happiness guarantee raycon's going big for black friday and cyber monday everything's up to 30 off just click the link in description or go to buyraycon.com slash tuesdays to save on raycon audio products statewide sitewide get on it raycon hi there folks tuesdays with stories is brought to you by shopify if you've got a dream of starting a new business this is the sign to let shopify help make that dream a reality shopify is the commerce platform behind 10 of all e-commerce in the u.s. because they make it incredibly easy to start and run your business shopify lets you tackle all those important tasks in one place from inventory to payments to analytics don't even know where to start shopify has hundreds of ready-to-go templates for your website to shop off your style no coding required dude shopify is awesome they make it so easy even an idiot could use it we are idiots and all i do all day is use my shopify here it's fantastic i'm always intimidated by stuff i won't be able to figure this out i won't know how to use this because i'm dumb well i can use it and so can you and you should never worry about being left out in the cold shopify is always around to share advice with their award-winning 24 7 customer service support turn those dreams into and give them the best shot at success with shopify sign up for your one dollar per month trial and start selling today at shopify.com slash tuesdays go to shopify.com slash tuesdays once again shopify.com slash tuesdays all right tuesdays brought to you by mood that's what uh rupert does mood take that it's 2025 you can't be texting some guy on a bike asking him to bring you that jazz cabbage the good people at mood.com believe that cannabis should be accessible affordable and transparent mood was created in 2002 as an online source for 100 percent federally legal cannabis they grow on small american farms no pesticides no bs and they can ship to most states in the u.s they got gummies for everything immune support menopause relief pms symptoms mental clarity whatever you need they'll match your mood i love mood i take a nice easy relaxing uh what do you call that uh not sativa indica indica i take a little indica just to doze off it's i got a nice deep cosby sleep it's the best they've also got edibles flowers vapes pre-rolls beverages It's the best kind of one-stop shopping. Best of all, not only does Mood stand behind everything with an industry-leading 100-day satisfaction guarantee, but our fans get 20% off their first order at Mood.com with code TUESDAYS. Again, that's code TUESDAYS at Mood.com for 20% off your first order. Mood.com, code TUESDAYS. Mood products are only for adults age 21 and over. Mood. So I'm texting Jerry today. That's it. But I learned my lesson. That's what I want to take away from this. Yeah, you got to get in there, and he likes you. He wants to be friends with you. And like I said, it's such an advantage with a guy like him because he'll be like, hey, you got to stop texting me. He's not like us. That's true. He's not like, oh, I don't like this guy, but I'll just text back. Right. I got people in my life for 30 years that I can't stand, but they keep texting me. So I'm like, all right, I guess. That's how we're here. I know. But did I ever tell you about the time? He texted me drunk, or I was drunk, and he texted me on a random Saturday night. I was drunk after a show at some, I was in the middle of nowhere. I was at St. Louis, and he's like, hey, that YouTube video you posted is really funny. And I wrote, you like that? And he wrote, yes. And I go, wow, thanks. I didn't think you'd like it. He goes, yeah, I liked it. And I go, really? You liked it? And he goes, stop questioning me. Well, there you go. Which I was like, whoa. So he's already advised you on this. Yeah, he's already like. Let me just, I'll just tell you how I feel. I've got a button up my ass. I've been telling you about this for years. The buttons are bad. It's in the hole now. I can't get it out. It's inside me. Buttons. They're on your pants. They're on your shirt. Red buttons. So yeah, so you're right. He keeps it blunt, which I actually like. A lot of people don't like his directness, but I like it because it keeps you, it lets you know where he's at. So those are red buttons and a red skeleton. Yeah, and a red fox. Wow. And a. Red. Head. Red butler. It's crazy that some names just were there. Red was like a name. I like that. That's a cool name. Red. I know a red. An old red. Really? Yeah, from Sober Guy. He's like 100 years old. Well, Morgan Freeman was red because he was supposed to be an Irish guy, but they just kept it. Otis Redding. No, Boyd. Ellis Boyd Redding. Is that right? His last name was Redding. Oh, I didn't know that. Yeah. I thought it was because he was an Irish guy with a. Fiery. Well, I think it was in the book. Uh-huh. And then they just got Morgan Freeman, but his name is Redding. I think when they. By the way, Otis is out, too. Where's Otis? Otis Redding? Oh, Otis is a name. Yeah. Same with Adolph. Otis Nixon. Otis Thorpe. Who's that? Otis Nixon was a baseball player who I think dabbled in cocaine. They'd like to do that. Otis Thorpe was a basketball player. Otis Anderson was a football player. I got an Otis for every sport. There you go. And then, yeah, Otis is out. Otis is an Air Force base. Okay. What's the youngest Otis you ever met? I bet there's some white lady who named her kid Otis just to kind of shuck and jive a little, you know? By the way, have you seen The Perfect Neighbor? Yes. I told you last week. I was like, that's great PR for cops. Oh, is that what you were talking about last week? That was it, yeah. Yeah, because I couldn't visualize this thing. Boy, that was. I cried. I had to turn it off, literally. When the bomb. Yeah, I turned it off. I was like. I can't watch this too much. I weeped. I wept. Wept, Jerry. Wept like a baby. No, it is. Okay, so when you were talking about it, I didn't know what you were talking about. And it really is. It's like these people that hate cops. It's like hilarious to me. I know. They keep showing up. They're very nice. They're talking to the kids. Everybody's black. No one cares. It's great. And they're like, just the beginning, they're like, there's a shooting. Someone's been shot. And they just jump in their car and drive 150 miles an hour straight towards the psycho with a gun. I know. And then there's people all over the place going, these people are pieces of shit. They're bastards. They're assholes. You know how many cops pulled out or what do you call it? Retired or gave up? Quit. Left. Quit last year in NYC? I don't know. 2,500. That's 2,500 people were like, I got shot at. People threw shit at me. I got yelled at. And you're mad at me? I'm out. Yeah, it's a bummer. It's a bummer. Well, they got their problems too, you know. Sure, sure. But the whole thing of all cops are bastards. We've covered this. I'm like, the Chinese cop, he's a bastard. The only one. The lesbian cop, you know. Oh, you're on the West. I'm sorry. I like it. Sorry, I'm going to kill myself. Well, let me tell you a little bit about my life. Yes, please. Just got back from Addison. Oh, that's a fun time. That whole area that's like Addison, Arlington, Plano, Fort Worth, Dallas. It's all pipes out there. Yeah. It's all comedy clubs. Yeah, well, there's a new club that Feeney was at. Is this not the greatest? It's the best feeling in the world. Feeney, our pal, he's like, hey, I'm in Dallas this weekend. We should hang out. And you go, all right, well, I got a lot of stuff going on. You got your openers. We're in the movie. We're doing the thing. Yeah, you got to Zoom with Chuck, one eye. You go, all right, all right. Well, maybe we'll see a movie Saturday. And then Friday night, you're like, and I love Feeney. But you're going, oh, God, I got the Feeney hang tomorrow. Yeah, it looms, Jerry. It's just a thing. It's a thing. I get it. I get it. And then you get the text. It's like, hey, man. And I'm like, here it is. All right, let me put my pants on. I got to go find Feeney. And he goes. He's your Jerry. He goes, hey, it looks like it's a 48-minute ride. I don't feel like going that far. 48-minute ride. He's like, I don't want to go that far. And I was like this. Oh, the best. The best. You go, all right, well, it's been fun. I'll take care. And you did your due diligence. You answered every text. You said you'd go. So you're in the clear. I'm just back flipping up the road. I'm naked. I'm squeezing my own balls. Well, here's the clinker. You guys live in the same city. You're not going to see a movie in Queens. Well, that's true. But we have lives. You have wives. You have spots. You have podcasts. There is something about the road. And it is a great feeling when someone fun is on the road down the street. Yeah, why is that? What do you mean? Well, why is it? Because we live in the same city. We could see each other any time, Feeney or whoever. But you're not going to really hang out, even without the kid. I don't think you're hanging out. If this were a festival, that was my big talking point. Remember? I say it all the time. If this were a festival, we'd all get together. So I was just talking about this with Feeney on his pod, fun pod. Did you do that one? Not yet. Yeah. That one in run-ons, you're really blowing off. I'm trying to change. I appreciate that. It's about time. Thank you. You should change your pants. I know. I should just cut the front out of him like a pop singer. Oh, yeah. What was I talking about, Feeney? The movie, 48 Minutes, 48 Hours. No, no, Feeney. 48. Oh, we were talking about this on his pod. What were we talking about? Oh, how you're kind of friends with people, but you don't see them for like eight months. Cannon and Feeney, I never see. And then Skankfest, we just have a text thread, and we hang out every day. But you're like, I don't want to go out to Queens. Sometimes you have the park hang, of course. But you're like, yeah, if we're in the same town, same hotel, we'll get lunch every day. But if not, you're like, ah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I get it. And now, like I always talk about, comics, we're just working all the time now. We're working, Jerry. And then when you do hang, you're like, how do we monetize this? Should we film this hang? Should we get content? Should we get Salacuse to take photos of us hanging? It's so gay. Well, that's pathetic, yeah. I know, but like your hang, you had a hang the other night or the other day with Stavros and Ruddy and Salacuse and me, you, and the ice cream truck. Yeah. And look, there is, that's why you need those hangs, because there is that moment of like, it was kind of awkward. There was a silent moment there. But you got to go through those things. Yeah, that was a great hang. We're doing another one today. It was a great hang. Fart? No? The button. So the button's bad. I find that your button, because I feel like you've been looking at me with the button for a year. I got the button. What the fuck? I just never had the button. So now the tables have buttoned. Yeah, I think so. Thanks for button. Between the buttons. Between buttons. I like that film. I don't care what anyone says. You work. I worked on it. You're the one. No, that's a damn fine film, if you ask me. A little heavy handed. Oh, yeah, I suppose. But there's some good moments. The hummingbird thing and the other thing. Too much slavery. Doesn't really make sense at the end. Thank you. Movie sticks. Get it. You know, I worked on that film. I heard that. I see. But, so anyways, Feeney cancels whatever. Let me tell you about my flight out, because I have this guy. I'm in first class. Of course, we're killing it. I get upgraded. Hoo, hoo, hoo. Let me check my notes again. All right. So I'm sitting there. I got the aisle, 3B. Nice. Guy in 2D, window over there. Across the way. Yeah. He looks like, I don't know, like he's straight out of Wolf of Wall Street. Slick back hair, you know. And at first, you're not noticed, because you have your AirPods in. You're just trying to go to bed, early flight, whatever. Listen to a podcast, whatever it is. Uh-huh. And I just hear, oh, shit. Look at this. First class. I got the upgrade. This is wild. What's your name? What's your name? What's your name? What's your name? And you're just kind of hearing it through the AirPods. But it's just, you know, like things that kind of, when you have music in or a podcast, everything over there is just noise. Yeah. So you kind of hear it like, ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba. It also cancels a lot of it. Yes. So after about 20 minutes, I'm like kind of half in my own asshole. I just go, I take the AirPods. I go, what is going on over there? I look. This guy doesn't know this guy or the one behind him. He's like, this is crazy. crazy. You ever been in first class? This is nuts. This is how the other half lives. This is fucking crazy. And I'm like, oh, I hate this guy. Shut the fuck up. Nobody wants to talk to you. It's an early flight. Shut up. Put the AirPod back in. I doze off. I wake up. Long story short, this guy talked like that, full volume, four hours straight. What? And I mean straight, Jerry. What? Never, ever stopped talking. He doesn't know the guy next to him. And it was conspiracy theory, Trump, the economy, race, Charlie Kirk. Whoa. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. It was fucking insane. Wow. And the guy next to me, he was like an African guy. And he was like, oh. He was mad. And I was like, how about this? And he's like, oh. All right. Like a silent movie. Yeah. Well, this raises the question. You can get bumped up to first class. If you're not class, maybe we should be able to bump you up. We should be able to bump you back. See, this is how you get ahead. You're always thinking. I think we got something here because, hey, if you're not part of the first class, you're not classy, you're out. You blew it. And I'll tell you what, he should get bumped to comfort plus. And then if he keeps acting like that, he gets bumped to the toilet. Keep going back. Yeah, you're on the wing, buddy. And then you put a backpack on him and punt him out the side because, I mean, I'm not joking. He never stopped talking. And the guy he was talking to, and I've been this guy before. I've been this guy before. Where you respond, you try to lull them down and go, well, you know, the elections are tricky. Right, right. What do you mean they're tricky? They're not tricky. Tricky Dick was elected twice. That's crazy. Man. And it was just insane. And also, like I said, talking like topics that you're like, dude. He's like, I'm telling you, you can't find one guy that's worth a billion dollars that isn't Jewish. The Jews have all the money. And you're like, are you fucking crazy? Wow. Shut up. It was clearly his first bump up. First bump. First bump. He's freaking out. He thinks everybody cares. And it sounds like this guy's mom likes him too much. Well, speaking of bumps, I think he might have been coked up. He felt he had that vibe. That's interesting. Never took a nap. Never watched a program. And I'm so grateful I wasn't sitting next to him. I was sitting diagonally across. But that's all I have. Wow. That's crazy. Well, I have good news on a flight. I love good news. So I'm flying back from Dublin. Dublin. And it's a whopping eight hour and change. The way back is always longer than the jet queef or whatever it is. So I go, ah, I'm in the main cabin. And I go, I'm third to be bumped up. But there's only two seats. That's the worst feeling. The worst feeling. So I go, it's not going to happen. Just get it out of your head. Stop daydreaming. Kill yourself. I walk in the plane. There's a big, jolly, jovial, tubby, cute stewardess guy. Peyton Ruddy. Yes. And I go, hey, how you doing? He goes, you're that guy. You're that guy. And I go, oh, yeah, I'm that guy. There you go. And he goes, you're that guy on TikTok. And I'm like, am I on TikTok? I don't know that. He's like, you're all over TikTok. You're that guy. And I'm like, yeah, I'm that guy. And he goes, Kevin Hart. Wow. So he likes the Kevin Hart thing. He likes it. So Nate hates it. Nate's always told me, he's like, you got to stop doing that. Somebody messaged me, Fabletics. It's Kevin Hart's company. No. Did you know that? Give that a go. I thought it was Kate Hudson. Kate Hudson? Oh, yeah. She doesn't have enough money for pants. She tried to kill herself. Is that right? Yeah. Well, that's too bad. Or maybe it was Owen Wilson. Yeah, he did. They look similar. They look the same. The same hair. Are you thinking of Kate Spade? Kate Spade did kill herself. Yeah. No, no, no. Succeeded. She hung herself in the bag. I'm thinking of Owen Wilson. Body bag. Owen Wilson tried to kill himself. That's right. But I think they were banging for a minute. Or they were in the same movie. That sounds right. Well, their kid would look, you know. The same. Yeah, it doesn't make sense. Yeah. No Kevin Hart. Yes, Kate Hudson. Kevin Hart doesn't own Fabletics? No, but K.H. Maybe that's why you got confused. No, someone wrote to us that that's what he owns. He might have a stake in it. Somebody wrote. It says he has a little stake of it. He's a little bit of an investor. But Kate Hudson is way more of like an owner. So both K.H.'s. How about that? K.H. Ah. Wow. Trying to think of another one. Kevin Hart. I was thinking Kevin Foley and Kevin Riott. H. Foley. Kate Hudson. King Rich. King. King. King Henry. Hey, I'll take it. I'll take it. Assist. I'll take it. All right. So the big, fat, jolly, jovial, cute, gay flight attendant was like, you're that guy. I'm like, yeah, yeah, yeah. So I go way back into the main. And I go, well, I've got to buckle up for eight hours. Here we go. Let's see what the movies are. And this guy comes up and he goes, excuse me, Mr. Normand, you've been bumped up. Hey! And I go, what? Get out of here. He put a word in. Wow. Yes. So somebody got screwed because I was third. So I moved over somebody. Well, it's possible every once in a while someone moves to a different flight or something like that. That's true. Or they don't make it to the flight. They never check in. Something. But yeah, total game changer. So that was exciting. And I told the guy, we'll get a photo after. You saved my whole life. Blah, blah, blah. And then I forgot to get the photo. So I want to apologize to the jovial, chubby, cute, gay flight attendant. Yeah. We'll blow you next time. Yeah. Whatever it is. Folks. Oh, baby. I love this new sponsor, Chubbies. Yes. It's the holiday season. So you need to look sharp for family gatherings, office parties, and Black Friday fights. You need Chubbies this year. Chubbies now has the cold weather essentials. Their flannels, pullovers, quarter zips, and newly dropped winter jackets are perfect for upgrading your winter gear. They said to some stuff, I've never looked better. My buddy Derek loves it, too. He found it not even from the podcast. He's like, look at this bathing suit I got. It's the best one I ever got. Oh, yeah. It says Chubby on it, which is a little hurtful. But I could have a Chubby. Good point. For the football uncle on your Christmas list, check out the new NFL by Chubbies collection with stretch polos and swim trunks for all 32 NFL teams. You'll make any degenerate single dad happy this Christmas. For a limited time, Chubbies is giving our fans 20% off your purchase at Chubbies with the promo code Tuesdays at checkout. But if it's Black Friday, skip the code and take advantage of even bigger markdowns during their exclusive Black Friday sale. Just head to ChubbiesShorts.com. Make sure to support the show and tell them we sent you. Love Chubbies. Thanks for everything. Hey, folks, just brought to you by AG1. Start your healthier life with one scoop at a time with AG1 Next Gen. AG1 is clinically shown to support gut health and fill in common nutrient gaps. It even has five probiotic strains and over 75 vitamins and minerals available in four great flavors. AG1 is easy to add into your daily morning routine. Just scoop and add to 8 to 12 ounces of cold water and give it a mix. They sent me some powder. They sent me some goods. I take that stuff every morning. I shake it up and I guzzle it down. You get all the daily stuff. You need whatever's in spinach and kale and celery and all that good stuff. And it just knock it out in five seconds and boom, you're healthy. It's a way to go and good for hangovers, too. You fill in those gaps. Feel like your best self again with AG1. Head to DrinkAG1.com slash Tuesdays. You get a free welcome kit with an AG1 flavor sampler and a bottle of vitamin D3 plus K2 when you first subscribe. That's DrinkAG1.com slash Tuesdays. DrinkAG1.com slash Tuesdays. Get on it and get healthy. So, yeah. Now, how about this one? Please. I flew. Let me just give you my flight schedule and then you can blow me. I can't wait. So, I had a gig in Valley Center, California on Saturday night. Valley Center. Sounds like a mall. Yeah. It's basically a fake town so they can put a casino in it. And it's two hours, hour and a half outside of San Diego. So, you got to fly to San Diego. The only flight left was Alaska. Oh, I've heard Alaska's pretty good. It's all right. It's all right. Never flown it. Derek flies it. He likes it. But, you know. I think if you got some juice, it's all right. Okay. So, I fly Alaska, whatever. No juice. Long, motherfucker. Fly there and then you got to get there early enough to still drive the hour and a half to the Valley Center. But, east to west, you're getting three hours. That helps. That's true. That's true. So, I land. Whew. Long flight. Alaska. No juice. Get in the shuttle or whatever the guy's driving. Drive all the way there. Then you go, okay. Now, all I want to do is rub one out. I don't know how you feel. Right when I get in the hotel, I got to rub one out. Yeah. I think it's a weird Pavlovian thing because we're so used to it. And then now, you're like away from everybody. Yes. I put the remote in my ass. I put the lube in my eyes. Shit on your dick. Yeah. Yeah. I stuff a pillow as it sits up my shirt. Right. Right. And then beat it. Same. And it's that Chris Rodden, that good, long, ain't nobody at home jerk. You know, you got your legs wide open, akimbo. You're not doing that. Who dat? Yeah, exactly. You're just going like this with the lube and the lotion. You put it in your mouth, everywhere. Put the lotion in the basket. Yeah. Then you really go to town. Now, I packed a couple things. It was only a one-show night, a one-nighter. Mm-hmm. So, I packed a little. a little gay Kate Spade bag full of stuff. A grip. I had a sock. underwear a t-shirt you know just the essentials so then that's my neighbor so then uh i'm about to bust as the kids say so i grab one of my old socks throw it on you put it on you don't do that no i put it on the dick like a glove no you don't do that that's crazy i've been doing it for 20 years that's not what you do you do the glove it's just super common in pop culture it's like been the thing i thought everybody did that it's a perfect catch-all i don't put it on i put it on my hand and eat it like this like a puppet sock puppet jim henson and i go why why jizz henson jizz henson put that in clean will you fix that jizz henson jizz henson uh yeah you put it you wear it yeah you just put it on it fits doesn't fit it's just the width of my foot my dick is like the size of a toe i'm not saying they're going to the ball but you know the ball but it it goes in all right all right it's a perfect world doesn't it fly off when you're jerking well i put it on the end okay yeah also doesn't fly off you're holding it you could jerk off with it i guess oh you hold on to the sock yeah oh i see it's just for the last second i thought i'm still cranking my dick i thought the sock was on top i thought the sock would kind of shimmy off no shimmy okay shimmy stewart so you jizz with the sock you throw the sock on the floor it turns into a crusty medusa stone you never see that it just gets it's flavor crystals i'd like to chew that gum yeah so so then i jump in the shower and i get out and i go oh put a new shirt on put a new underwear on no i didn't bring new socks oh now what do you do in that situation i think you go french i think you go no socks i can't these shoes smell so bad well i got poop on my dick so you're asking the that's a good point i got a big smudge of cum well shit i meant so i flipped the sock inside out it's full of icicles stalagmites it's horrific it's like a crime scene it's like uh svu law and order so i kind of dab it and i have to put it on but you're in a hotel why not use a towel why are you using your sock when you have towels i regret it i was in the heat of the moment i had to get up get out of the bathroom come back see i go i don't even prepare cleanup i just beat it like michael jackson like an egg i get it all scooped up and then i just walk with jizz all over me really i go in there and it's all illuminated i watch in the mirror i clean it up and then you just toss that underneath oh you hit the body hit the body you jizz on your own body of course oh i don't want to do that like a man and then you wipe it oh that's gay because now you're a man jizzed on you well you got a sock on your dick i mean it doesn't it's crazy i'm done i picture it again is it white with the red stripe around it like a bowling pin it's actually literally this sock i'm still wearing it oh so we're worried that was dead now get your fucking come away from me that's insane i'd rather eat baby that's disgusting well who's worse here jizz sock or shit dick no jizz sock is crazy because first of all you could get new you're in your home that's true and uh it's been days and it's calm as baby poo i don't know i don't know would you rather swallow cum or baby shit come oh chuck wants to drink cum this is all a ruse to trick you chuck likes to eat chuck loves eating jizz but this is like a smear it's not a load well i i cleaned a little bit oh god this is appalling i could cut glass with this thing it's just razor sharp from all the dried semen crunchy crunch crunch crunch bubble cum this might be the most disgusting episode i think well thank god your mother's not here for this and your nanny can hear this like your nanny must think this is crazy like she can hear us the english is a little broken no she understands me i say hey how you doing she says good that's about it but she laughs too i don't think she knows jizz or cum or shit dick i think she could figure it out from context baby well no one's thinking we got jizz on our shoe and sock on our dick oh she must just think it's horrible animals and then the worst part is you have to we have to go right up there yeah hey and i pick up the baby well she's leaving now i can see her on the stairs so oh okay maybe she'll slip and fall and crack her head open and forget everything yeah like yeah but yeah i'm sure she's had a few um so just wanted to run that by you i've got semen on my toes and on my brain i always want to come on a lady's toe and suck it off oh she's bringing the baby i thought she was done we'll never see that thing again that's all right it's gone we're getting abducted well she's a nice lady she is a sweet sweet indian woman oh she stopped she's indian yeah i thought she was asian well she's in asia i guess look at she stopped right there uh-oh oh boy what happened she hitting him no oh okay i don't think she yeah she's gone now all right did the casino and then a fun gig and then they gave us a nice reservation at reservation at uh would you scalp these tickets at uh hell's kitchen is that a restaurant gordon ramsay oh is it out there yeah well you know these casinos they'll get a couple of nice uh joints inside okay so how was it it's fine it's fine it's a little ridiculous the pictures of gordon ramsay were like that's what i don't get explain this to me so he owns the restaurant but he doesn't work there of course i don't understand chefs really like the chef you gotta get this chef but like can't he just tell another guy what to do that's what they do i mean there's 18 chains of hell's kitchen emerald wolfgang puck he ain't there so that's what i don't understand how does the chef i don't get it i don't really get chefs it's branding it's the same as having like uh kenny rogers chicken yeah you know he's not singing to the chickens but i get but i think the implication with kenny rogers chicken isn't like oh i'm gonna see kenny rogers perform i guess but with like uh this is gordon bombay fucking restaurant you think he's like chopping up the this gonna be good because it's him that's true i guess he made the recipe or something but it's all branding yeah i never i just don't really get chef they have the hat and then they have all the mexicans doing all the stuff what does the chef actually do and then the oven does the cooking yeah i don't mean to disparage chefs i'm sure somebody could explain it to me well you're like whoa but don't you just you put a little sauce on a little salt and then you put it in the oven you press boop boop boop 350 i agree it comes out and then you present it the presenting is something sure but i don't it's not like a musician or uh you know filmmaker who's like oh whoa the way he chose the lighting right camera yeah i don't it's like yeah the chicken we put a little we put a little ketchup on it exactly it's crispy on the outside it's soft on the inside i think it's the legitimacy of like oh this is an approved restaurant by this famous guy it must be good but it could still be shit yeah it's got his face on the wall well i go to del frisco's i order a steak it's i ship my pay it's the best thing i ever had but i never even heard of this i don't even see him yeah who's del is he back there del frisco maybe of the frisco yeah i guess so but either way food was fine then you go to bed you gotta wake up at six get a 6 30 pickup get back two hours to the airport get on a flight longest day of my life but we're here yesterday yeah nice when you land at jfk that's brutal is such a cunt it's brutal it's so goddamn fire now you have to take a shuttle to the lifts and the shuttle's a half hour or you gotta take a cab and the cab line's a mile long yep all right yeah what can you do moaning but yeah we live in new york it's all going to shit with mom donnie although i gotta tell you i've been talking to people in the shadows in the whisper in the cut and they're all like fuck this guy we're going with the other dude right so who knows i mean this could be a like a trump thing where you're like no one thought he was gonna win then he wins we'll see we shall see i'm not registered in new york so it should be did you see the tweet uh he mom donnie was on a mic and he was like after 9 11 my aunt was too scared to wear the hijab on the subway because of racism and one guy tweeted under goes yes your aunt was the real victim of 9 11 you're like that's hilarious that's gold oh that's great and then it just came out that his aunt lives in like cincinnati so he made up the whole thing yeah well you're like well sorry yeah we're a little you know we're all scared to ride the subway after 9 11 yeah we're a little unsettled i mean you know we just had uh 3 000 uh neighbors get fucking murdered yeah exactly exploded into fire and jumped off a building it was a little we're a little we're a little on edge here the the racism buzzword it gets clicks you know yeah and you're like well it was 25 years ago sorry that too it was uh yeah it was a bummer it affected us by the way i was listening to 9 11 phone calls yesterday it pops up my algorithm what i'm good for like 9 11 last phone calls to the family every oh six weeks or so i get right in there oh yeah your pants are my 9 11 you there's no way you can still smell i'm getting probably smelling cum baby shit i don't come comes pleasant cum is not pleasant mine is no i've smelled your cum flavor crystals cum is gross you guys both want to drink it evidently oh yeah I've tasted it once. You ever get into those phone calls? something else oh no it's some of the people are very calm they're like i'm on a plane it's been hijacked i don't think we're gonna be all right i just want to say i love you they start breaking up it's really something else yeah i can't do i don't want to hear those the wherewithal to call and then i get nervous i wouldn't call my wife i'd call i'd call you i'd be like hey it's crazy yeah yeah you're not gonna believe this we'll do this as a bonus patreon yeah hit record i'd probably call seinfeld i love you sorry to call more what's the deal with terrorism did they choose that because it's 9-1-1 right fly 43 uh yeah it's really something else you put those calls you ever listen chuck no it's really something else remember that chapelle joke they record those police calls i can't stop crying i should have myself i should have myself boy that guy he was really something i mean you I shit on myself is the funniest thing of all time i feel like that right now you smell like that too how about this when i was on the cruise this was like six months ago but i never got to talk about it i sure did wow tcm baby damn cruising joke i was we're at the cruise and how do you feel about this guy there's a guy at the cruise i don't even know how to describe this guy he looks like if chuck gained 150 pounds and got uglier so he's 800 pounds boom take that chucky thank you that's like someone doing an elephant i hope the smell a little bit uh big fat and pale and red and blotchy he's got the string rainbow string thong on what at the pool in the hot tub that's appalling what is that yeah it's like you're doing a bit but you're disgusting and we know you're gay already with the thong no no no gay is that gay it wasn't it wasn't rainbow it was like okay rainbow is gay yellow camouflage it was like a goof but he was with a chick a fat ugly chick and he's just sitting there and i'm talking like it was like folded over like it was so thin double folds hey new phone and just string thing string thing string theory and should that be a legal i mean what do you think about this it's it's it really is off-putting it ruins the whole pool and he's not doing like huh am i crazy i think he was trying to be like earnest with it like he was just like yeah here i am live with it uh how was did he at least have a good bulge i didn't see the ball i mean he was so fat it was like peter griffin when you can't see his dick when he's naked he was the bulge yeah i mean just a fat piece of shit i mean i just don't get it i'm like come on i'm just a fat piece of shit i mean i just don't get it i'm like come on i'm just a fat piece of shit yeah what is that you know one time for a mardi gras everybody gets dressed up everybody wears wacky costumes i went as a gay i got a long sleeve mardi gras shirt and i got daisy dukes okay i thought this is so funny my legs are long my ass cheeks are hanging out and i showed up to meet my friends and they were like what are you doing i was like this is funny i'm like a gay guy and they're like yeah we don't like this what do you mean like they were kind of like they were like offended by it well they were just like this isn't cool we now we gotta look at your your legs oh like we don't think this is funny and so i ruined the whole day i was like oh shit all right but i'm already here i can't go home i don't have another pair of pants on me well that's rude on their part i say i think that's rude oh this is a fart off oh man shit on my pants look at this oh god oh that's a poo streak jack oh man boo streak poo streak was a great martin lawrence movie our combined age is 85 wow that's crazy you're 43 yeah how about that yeah man it flies i guess everyone always says that i feel like it's taking forever well the baby sure is we've been doing the podcast for 25 years yeah that's long i know but it doesn't feel like that long that's what i'm saying or it does feel that long something i don't think it feels that long right i don't know i don't know i don't know i feel like it's long time life is long well did you ever think you'd be 43 i thought i'd be dead by 31 i did think i was dead i would be dead because i just always think that i still think i would be dead by 45 i think the robots are gonna shoot us but but i don't know moving to new york and you're like they're like louis zika is 43 and i'm like oh gross that's so old and then here we are it was gonna be 60 in a couple years 58 strig him up well now he's posting clips i'm like you gotta stop doing this because he looks like a young boy he's got a wedding band on right red hair he's thin i'm like yikes yeah you really fell off there you really lost some hair yeah i'm aware uh what were you just saying though and the scorsese doc he's got three hairs coming out of his nose it's insane the whole time like somebody uh patch this guy up will you well i saw a video last night of springsteen played at the stone pony and he's starting to really look old he can't move and he's like 10th avenue freeze out oh my god jesus these guys are all gonna die today when nero looks like shit when keith richards goes that's gonna be something yeah that's like oh that guy who lived forever who did all the drugs and smoking and never quit drinking is dead it's over yeah soon all those first rock and roll guys are gonna be gone who are the legends now well you have mick jagger still alive i mean like when they die like who's next ed sheeran you know you got all the 80s and 90s legends still i guess so like uh kirk cobain he's still going no no he's dead uh well the big four seattle bands three of the four lead singers are dead but you have eddie vetter still around kim thales around and marilyn manson you got you know frank black is around and you got uh all the ramones oh he's dead yeah yeah ramones are dead the whole band is dead the band is dead bob dylan's around oh yeah dylan but later than that the other the younger people yeah you still got you know uh brian ferry is alive you know the talking heads i think are alive yeah they're alive but blondie's alive debbie harry's alive like bieber that age like isn't it sad that that's gonna be the the mick jagger of its day but still that's still 30 years from now what do you mean jagger's 80 justin bieber's 30 i'm just saying young people they got no one cool to look up to i mean they're cool to them i guess like oh what do we i mean i guess kanye is pretty pretty uh legendary yeah but i think these people the younger the older people were like who are they gonna look up to kurt cobain right right you know they're cool to them chuck wants to input something m&m m&m is cool beatles for the two in from 2000 to 2010 he's the highest like selling artist and he beat the beatles wow okay the population's bigger you see godfrey with dr dre no it's crazy he's doing trump it's hilarious yeah you're gonna watch he's on his pod he's just hanging out with him i don't know what the hell he's doing oh wow but you gotta hear oh we gotta wrap up i guess uh i gotta get back to my son's birthday change my pants he's he's doing a trump impression he's that's an amazing trump he's with dr dre he's like beats by dre he's a great doctor wow i never he had he had beats he's one of my favorite black doctors oh that's fun but he does it amazing and he's just hanging out with dr dre is he laughing dr dre's doing a thing he's like come on man cut it out oh whatever what does that mean yeah i don't know he's like i don't know whatever all right there you go that legend dave coulier will still be around yeah my hero although he almost kicked off well my friend had a good point he said because i keep going why they have all these politicians on podcast like stavros is hanging out with mom donnie tim dylan's got bernie sanders on like what are we doing here and he goes it's actually really smart because it's the only thing in america that's homogenous we used to go we're all watching the beatles on it's uh we're all watching the super bowl we're all watching the super bowl we're all watching the all listening to kirk cobain now it's everybody's over here splintered up down left right you're binary you're non-gay you're neurodivergent you're on spotify you're on youtube there's no tv no one's watching tonight's show but politics is the only thing where we all come together and give a shit about i suppose so that's a good point yeah so when you put them on your pod you're gonna get the most views yeah people want to hear what these people have to say yeah the haters watch and the lovers watch it's a good point let's get some politicians on let's get mandami in here ah i don't know he'd make the whole episode he doesn't like uh whiter rich neighborhoods fair well he'll like it here that's true all right well where are you gonna be there sloppy jalopy where am i gonna be that's the great question i don't know why i don't prepare to say where i'll be because no one knows they're up here in the noggin somewhere oh my god this is a lot when's this come out um i have no idea november 10th thank you oh tonight's stick or treat and your show yeah but it comes out at like nine o'clock doesn't it nine o'clock it's already happened yeah you missed it uh this weekend oh this weekend is skank fest baby whoa hey if you're at skank fest this week and you have a crazy story come find us come find chuck tell him your story and he'll tape you we'll put you in a movie maybe yeah and then uh thanksgiving weekend oh by the way the um the uncle dale firehouse show that we do every year this year at i don't know if it's in holbrook i forget plymouth i think or brockton fuck i can't remember so sure i'll post the link you'll know about it it's this friday after thanksgiving If you're home in Massachusetts, it's going to be fun. Sarah will be on. Karen's in town. A couple local Boston people. That's going to be awesome. November 28th, it all goes to the Holbrook Fire Department. It's a legendary show. Next weekend, I'll be in Lexington, Kentucky. And I'm doing Vegas in January. Some club. I think it must be Keith. What's Keith's name again? Wise Guys. Yeah. Stubbs. Keith Stubbs. Yes. Love Keith. Doing his room in Vegas. So, Las Vegas. I always get requests to come to Vegas. I'm also opening for Louie there in December. So, I'll be in Vegas twice in the next few weeks. And go watch the movie and the special, Small Ball. There you go. Hey, I'm at Niagara Falls Casino. Not bragging. You missed DC. Then I'm in San Diego, California at the Observatory Theater. Skankfest, of course. Oh, yeah, the Observatory. Two shows. One sold out. Then I'm opening for Gillis on a bunch of dates. And then I'm going to. Minneapolis at the Mystic Lake Showroom Casino in Pryor Lake, Minnesota. So, we'd love to have you. Then we got a whole bunch of new dates. Kansas City Funny Bone. I'm going back to the clubs to work out a new hour. Improv. Did they change it? Oh, shit. Maybe I wrote it down wrong. It says KC Funny Bone. Maybe they changed it. It used to be the Improv. It was always the Improv. Interesting. Well, I've been KC Funny Bone. I've been KC Funny Bone. Kansas City. We'll see you there. Get some barbecue sauce. Say hello. I'm coming all over your back. What else is. What else are some clubs? I can't think of any. Oh, San Antonio. Fort Lauderdale. Shit in my ass. I think Utah. Wise guys. So, yeah. What do you got, Choo Choo? Check out my podcast, Fun Bearable. Today, November 10th, we're doing a relaunch of the podcast. All new stuff. We're starting our Patreon. Which is going to be a donation Patreon with 386 episodes that are not available anywhere else. And a new one will come out every week. Plus, a new theme song that Mark and Joe heard. I heard it. Last week. It's clever. It's something. Well, I thought you loved it. I loved it. I was going to say, it's a little lengthy. It's long. You've got to really live in it. We're going to make two versions of it. One's going to be like 30 seconds. I see. I see. Yeah. And then, so yeah. So, check it out. FunBearablePod.com. At FunBearablePod.com. FunBearablePod. And this week, we're actually putting up an old interview we did with Mark. Oh, no. Yeah, from our old podcast that we filmed it, but we didn't really have a video component then. So, there's a podcast coming out this Thursday. You probably haven't seen it. It's with Mark. It's in my house in Warren. You went to his house? Yeah. Years ago. Wow. Yeah. So, it was really fun with Brad. We had a good time. You're lucky to be live. I did that pod. Yeah, that's going to come out too. By the Dunkin' Donuts Center. Yeah, it was right next to the Dunkin' Donuts Center. That was the first time we met. That was a long time ago. That was a long, long time ago. Yeah, before we knew the truth. Yeah. FunBearablePod.com. At FunBearablePod. All right. Well, there you have it, folks. Thank you. We'll see you at Skank Fest. It's going to be a fucking nutty good time. I can't wait. I love it. Sorry about the poop on my dick. Sorry about my jizzy sock. We'll see you at hell. Sweep it up. Get on the base ground. Praise all that comedy. We'll see you at Skank Fest.