#629 A Wink From a Twink

hey mark fake banter for the intro that's all I know how to do great good to be here welcome to Tuesdays with stories hitter in the face of the surfboard and then the duck fell out of his bag surfed up and she didn't even flush knock knock who's there Mark Norman and Joe list yeah this Tuesdays with stories everybody that's terrible this is supposed to be cheesy hey here we are a couple ankles here look at that ankle-biter you got a lovin ankle yeah can't go remember can't go oh I remember can't go it's where when you see a woman with fat cancels yeah that's a bummer yeah had the fact get there because there's so much movement happening down there you think it just burn off you know I'm with the Kevin Brennan joke I got a little junk in my truck yeah you got a little in your ankle too because you're a whole junk drawer that's one of the great jokes boy you had some good stuff my goodness does he have good stuff yet another one where he said man when I was a kid it was hard to get laid and it was hard to get around now you got tinder and Uber so you got an app that brings horrors to your house something like that he combined and he goes I think I think my wife might be on tinder because I'm on tinder and I saw her on there perfect perfect joke oh man well he's trashed me quite a bit and I don't care how he's doing this thing I don't know yeah he's one of the few guys where he trashes and you're like ah he's an old man y'all the clouds yeah yeah I don't know what's going on there but he's damn funny on stage I'll tell you that maybe it's funny on the show too I've never listened to it but don't even open it well he's trashed me too I'm sure I don't know we have a good relationship when he is trashing me too the movement oh all right I'm gonna I might subscribe get myself in there well you know I sniff every once in a while these internet should on comedians I'll be like let me just take a peek at this and see what it's all about and you know hope you got a clear sinus because you're gonna be sniffing a lot it is a bubbling up it's a bubbling crude yeah it's not good we're definitely on the back end of this fun fun the podcast the booty boom oh yeah it's it's right tell you where we're the boom it's the different kind of boom it's a it's a shit-talk boom I guess so boom boom good point the boom boom I don't know was there ever is there an equivalent of this was there ever a time where like more popular than movies was people shitting on the movies I would say rap beefs rap a rap there was always rap and then the rap beefs like the East Coast West Coast to pack and biggie yeah y'all I got no love for the West Coast let it be known exactly what is it West side yeah West side is this and then East side is this which is not as cool what is this I think it's at lowercase E oh it looks like a retarded guy pointing yeah I think it's not as cool yeah that's a handicap man but yeah that was fun that was cool and I like the West by I guess biggie's my favorite but Tupac was great snoops great Tupac was great sure puff daddy I just think stinks I like his later stuff all up in the videos if you all don't want to produce a all up in the video yeah shug ah shug shug night that was fun that's a bad ombre yeah don't don't fuck around like I held dangly from a hotel balcony is he in jail oh yeah good okay he's a huge man everybody was scared of shug I watch one rap thing you're under arrest sugar and remember remember half baked you hungry buttercup fuck you I kind of never got into half baked oh that's all weed comedy I just never got into I tried to watch the cheech and chime never got it didn't make any sense to me I get that it was new at the time no one was doing weed humor yes but now it's like yeah how high dude where's my car hailed and cool yeah and half baked I just never I still hate it I hate the pot head on the thing and on the hat oh yeah and these people that are like weed man and I liked weed sure I was never a huge weed guy but I like weed and there's people that just smoke weed my uncle Greg would always be high but like not always but he'd be like a high guy yeah Tom Dustin smokes pot every day but he's not like we got to get the weed brother right on the bomb Marley and pop my weed towel yeah that whole thing with the ball and oh man I'm in the drive-through then it shows them in his closet yes and then there's James Franco pineapple express one weed centered thing that I was like yes right right that's funny Louie had a pretty good weed bit where he uh he's like I'm sticking a bad company hits call the doctor one two three whatever and uh he's like this is an ordeal now and he got this car I don't it's a great bit I'm hoping high oh it's killer yeah you just see it a lot like man last time I got so high I mean and then Woody did that in 1958 yeah so high I had tried to pull my pants over my head right so I just think it's like whoa weed guy I just who cares smoke weed and just be cool I am with you on the weed humor never got into it but half-baked head it had jokes in it that didn't even have to with weed right I had the Harlem Williams in the shower you know and prison drop in the soap and uh I'm his bitch fuck you whatever half-baked I mean I think I saw it I have no recall of half-baked it just was never one of my movies never owned it never did the repeat like like dumb and dumb or a vacation or something like that now a guy just threw a cup out my garbage can you see that I sure did now other people get mad that I had a friend over he's like what the hell's up with that you better put a lock on those and I'm like if they're putting it trash in the garbage that's a plus right I don't care that it's my guard because I get garbage all over the sidewalk so if you put in my can I'm into it oh I'll throw it in your can can it up well they got to worry about is someone putting plastic in the trash and trash in the cycle because they'll nail you for that put it in my ass they'll they'll come in and say hey you can they'll sue you whatever you call it I put everything in those can dead body kids you name it I put it all out they'll take anything I put in that can but I think you can get a fine oh really yeah my landlord yell because Ron on moved into my building back in the day and he just started throwing soup cans in the trash and shoes in the recycling and our landlord was like hey this is fucking crazy whoa what a piece of garbage come on Ronnie you gotta you gotta mix and match Ronnie baby soon to be a dad oh that's exciting yeah not for a society but for him I guess or the kid yeah now it'll be great he's great go check him out what we just did a Joe and Ron on talk movies we talked a one battle after another which is my least favorite title of a film ever not a great title yeah a little long I like a zippy title oh I dropped dead chicken crackers on the floor I'll eat it still it's splattered get a napkin there's one right there oh that's gonna get a rat in here in two weeks yep thank you there's still more down there all right so what's cooking with you I got lots of stuff well first of all last week we talked about how I had the the petite cleaner yeah the big gay shirtless and check wasn't here so you got you got to catch up we have to watch last week's episode I guess PGS but uh so we had the if you don't if you weren't here last week here's what happened last week in case you missed we I had a cleaner hide a cleaner Karen recommended chef recommends yes comes over I opened the door and he seemed very very petite and just had a I told you a sexual vibe to him asian now I think he was light skin black whoa boy did he the best kind nail it I need unbelievable I mean it was got a deep cleaning and I don't know what he did or how he did it but he he's like the sci-fi episode he like he brushed the eye hole the peep the people I mean the the toilet is spicking span everything's beautiful and he staged some stuff he rearranged some wow there's a plant in my shower there's a build on to my pillow he just Christmas came early and you were at the house yesterday he what he called organized the books in a color coordinated way which I don't think it about it is not ideal because it's like you have an author who has a blue book and also a white book yeah next to each other right I agree but it looks cool in the house yeah but it's not the same category what do you call that genre genre yes yes so it could be tricky you know and I got a lot of books but he staged it's clean it's unbelievable I mean highly recommend yeah it was awesome but I thought you had a sexual vibe and he said he works shirtless he's like he got to be out of the house because I work shirtless which everybody I've told is like what is that I know what's that part that's cookie and you're like why it feels strangely inappropriate yes it's funny to me and then I tell other people and they're like this I don't know what what are you crazy what is he hired a man he's working shirtless yeah is he a life card good here so I get home I can't wait to see I look it's beautiful now I have very nice about four photography books you know those big hardcover book they're like I got one right there uneasy portraits from 1966 exactly they look like that. Yeah, and Old is one nude photo in any of them. It's this guy Meyer wits is big He's big and he did 9/11. It's all 9/11. He did that 11. Yeah. Yeah. It wasn't Saudi Arabia after all. Oh, all right It was one guy. It was the juice get back to the festival. So There's one nude photo and all these buttons 7,000 pages of photographs. Yeah, one nude photo The book is staged. It's open to the nude photo on my back And I asked Tim Dylan because Salakis was like well, this is a gay thing. This is some kind of operation They do. This is a service. They clean the house. They clean you. It's the godfather with the horse head. Yes, it's a gay lady So I asked Tim Dylan. I go, what do you make of this? Because he's a homosexual man and he goes well, it's definitely not nothing. Oh But he knows you're married and not gay Nobody knows if someone's gay or not You can know if someone's married. They got a ring. There's a woman next to him. You can't know if someone's gay Tuché to gay to gay. There's no such thing as to gay in my house But the photo is a woman naked with bush and she's like this. She's like this Uh-huh, and he left it open to that page. So he had to sift Jerry. He had to go find tooth comb through every page Now it's possible. He just flipped to a page and it was that one, but even that he's still left it there Yes, yes, the message is clear, but I think he was clear Licking his finger and flipping those pages and found the bush found the tits and so I think it's the dance continues Yes, yes, the artist reduction. Yeah, it felt like something. Oh, it's something. There's a nude photo on my pillow And also he did such a deep cleaning. He must have found our little satchel under the bed, which has all the brown dildo a white dildo and Asian dildo It's teeny a vibrator the gloob everywhere. Oh, yeah, so he knows we're down to clown exactly DTF Wow the nude bush on the bed. How do you like that? Now do you text him and go wink wink homo? I don't know I didn't say much, but then he called Karen who referred us and I was like, there are some thanks for recommending I love this couple so I don't know what went on, but It feels like something. Yeah, yeah, I think it's just a little A little wink a little wink at tongue and asshole. I like it a twink a wink from a twink. There we go But it was awesome. I'll give you his number if you want to hook up or get the house cleaned I could use a twinkie. Yeah, your house is pretty good. What are you gonna made that comes by? Do you think? I don't really because I got fluffs everywhere Chuck's here. I got mayonnaise on the floor now. I mean, I don't know It's it's all over the place. It looks pretty good. Well, it's a little easier because the baby's not mobile. Yeah Yes, yes, he's not really eating Crackers and shit, right once they start doing that then it's like he's eating chip and you're finding Doritos in the fucking bedroom and Oreos in my asshole. Right, right. Yeah, that's that's gonna be a problem Because then we got a lot of nooks and crannies here. So we're fucked and we got a gate. We got to build that wall on the stairs Oh, yeah, water gate. Yeah It's gateway drugs. So I'm actually enjoying this Stationary moment. Yeah, it's pretty nice You know, because you take the kid on a flight and you're like this is brutally screaming he's crying But then you're like well, it could be running up and down the aisles. Yes, so this is actually the best time to fly with this Handy cap Nazi. Yeah, it gets a little trickier, but also funner. That's what's exciting. Yeah, they keep saying everybody says it gets better It keeps getting better. It's like being gay Yeah, suppose so now it's gay get better. Well, that was the old gay slogan. It gets better. Oh, it was meaning like hey gay marriages here now Oh, hey, you can fast fucking the streets people to judges around Boy must be so exciting to when you finally go. That's it. I'm full gay. Everybody knows it That must be a good feeling. Well, you know, I did some research for a bit Gay sex acts were legal until 2003 2003 isn't that wild. They just never updated it. They're like, oh the gaze. Oh, sodomy. The state looks down on Sodomy. Wasn't that a lyric for your band there? Oh, there you go. Yeah, sodomy was illegal Which is weird because I do sodomy with the old poop face. Hey, she's not gonna like that. Wow Not talking about it. The sodomy itself. Oh, yeah, he doesn't love it. Sodomy's jokes too. Well, jobs I think so. I think it's so it's anal and blow jobs. Give it a good I think so and what state all states all is good good insurance Half-lack sodomy. Yeah, I want to sodomy Arabia But yeah, sodomy is a very frowned upon yeah, that's so weird because nothing gets pregnant Yeah, it's a victimless cry. Well, not a victimless, but it's If you're doing it as a crime. Sure. Let's see what checks gut here sexual intercourse involving anal or oral Compilation on hetero. It doesn't matter. Wow That's a what kind of botanical bullshit world we live it in God didn't intend for us to do. Oh, sodom and Gamora right Yeah, you never do that. Sodom who said there's also can an anal all right. That's pretty good But any fired so I gotta tell you about the crew. Oh Speaking of the gate, but I don't want to do back-to-back stories here. What are you good? You got something you want to throw something out there cruising Joe? Well, all I'll say is I did Oslo. I did hell say you got all over Europe, but it was great It was every every town was awesome and got the worst flights imaginable. We did Norwegian air which don't ever do that That's the spirit of Scandinavia. It's funny because Norwegian cruises is like the primo cruise I know they're all landlocked. They got to get our ocean lock. They got to get out of the sky It's bad news. It's one of those flights where you're like all right I'm in 38 C. I watch a little TV. There's no TV's on these all right. I'll just plug my phone in do a little fun Oh, there's no plugs. I'll just get on the Wi-Fi. Oh, there's no Wi-Fi. You're like, what is this? What a hot air balloon here? I think they read over there, Joe Reading read this Yeah, you get a book and you you have thumb through it. Oh, well, am I a gay cleaner looking for a bush? We have listening to Ethan Hock's book even Hock might be my favorite artist of any kind. I love Hock man I love listening to him. He's a great actor. He's a great novelist. He's a great director He's great everything and every time I hear that guy talk I'm like, I love this man Hocka Lugie Well, you know about the little pimple on his record. No pimp. What's the big pimping? Uh, he He's yeah, what is it? One two three? I don't know the next part. I'm on the sea. I don't know Pampins band and g's suck my dick chick. I think there's one more big about more sense The folks show brother jig about now big pimping on LL BLA BLA D's that's it B-L-A-D's yeah, he's talking about Oster Pascorius laid runner. Well, whatever. But anyways, what happened with Ethan? So he was married to Umather sure was a fine fine cup of jizz. She's about six one and she's a little tall, but he's five eight or whatever. I did not like a long woman. I don't want legs that are wrapping around. I like Little stubby bullshit. I want to kid. Yeah, what an amputee, but she's a very attractive woman. Great Can't absolutely a great actor. Good actor, but they were a hot Hollywood item. Sure. Guess who he banged the nanny. Oh, really? And I had to besmirch the hawk man, but yeah, he's a nanny banger. Oh, it just made him cooler to me. Well, they got love to bang the nanny. We all would. My nanny's a guy named Heck Hector, but he's here as we found out last week. What? She hear us. Oh god. That's my mom, but she she bang the nanny. Get this. Divorced Uma kicked him out said don't even talk to me again. The whole family hates him. Mary's the nanny. Well, that's pretty good. I know. It's like Woody Allen. So that's not a that's not a pimple. That's nice. He left it for a better woman. I guess, but Uma got fucked. That's all right. Well, she really got fucked by the mirror max and all that stuff, dude. Didn't she get the car wreck and they didn't care whatever the same as your story. Yeah. Yeah. What is it? Kill Bill. Kill Bill. Yeah. She was all fucked up. But anyways, it doesn't matter. Ethan's cool. He's fucking I like him. You're smart because you got a nanny that you wouldn't really want. Yeah. Yeah. Wheelchair lady. Yeah. She looks like a bowling ball. Yeah. I put three fingers in, but um, Steve Wright found her in the gutter. But yeah, yeah. Just a little fun fact about a Hawkeye. Well, I love him and I saw an interview the other day where and he might have inspired me. Now tell me what you think of this. All right. I want your honest opinion on this. Lay it on me, fatty. Because I can't I'm not sure which way you'll go, but I think you'll go in the right direction here. And maybe you could do the same, but we could be buddy boys. All right, I'm excited. So I'm watching Ethan Hawke. He's doing this little interview on the street. He's wearing a, now you might know the term for this. A real one piece, like a driving suit. You know what? Like a jumpsuit. A jumpsuit. He's got a jumpsuit. And he's got like Pensacola STP little patches on there. Oh, like a NASCAR. And he's like, this is what Paul Newman wore in the Sumbling Sew. And he goes, I got a big road trip. When I have a road trip, I put this on. It puts me in the mood to drive. Oh, I love it. And I'm driving up to Whitman, Massachusetts all the time. Holidays. I might get myself a jumpsuit. Why? How do you feel about that? I like it. Oh boy. But good luck taking a shit in that thing. You got to go all the way down to the cancels. That's all right. You unzip and then you just take your shirt down and then you Pull it down. I mean women do it all day. That's true. They got the romper. They gotta get unzipped. So what do you think? I don't know. I mean, I'm down. We'll do it up in them. I always love the jumpsuit. One. Oh, that do values it a little bit. A little bit. Yeah. But they're fun. They're looking like mechanics. You get the jumpsuit. You hop in the car. I mean, sure. I'm driving a Nissan Central. You at least have a classic car. Right. No, I can't find it. I'm not gonna jump suit. I love it. Plus I always see patches and I think that's a cool thing. I love the patch. What am I going to do with the patch? It gets quit smoking, I guess. You're on today. You know, a patchy helicopter. But yeah, I love patches. When I was a kid, I was the patch fucker with the backpack. See, I like buttons and patches and stickers, but stickers is the only thing I collect because I can put them on the guitar or the bureau or whatever, but a pin that you stick it in you. Yes, it hurts. And the patch. What am I going to do? So what's your in your 40s? Right. It's tough to be the patch guy. That's true. But if you get it for a jumpsuit specifically for a ride, I think you're good. So I'm going to get a jumpsuit. This is my vow to you folks. I'm going to get myself a jumpsuit. Get me a small, huh? Give me a small when you order yours. You're a medium, I think. I don't think a medium is like Vitor. All right. Give me a medium. Small. You'll be tearing through it. What is Schmedium, by the way? You know, it's a joke. It's half small half media. Oh, here we go. We got FedEx. Oh, that looks like a cake. Hey, all right. Check. Do you want to grab that pack and FedEx? Will you there for that? It's part of your job description now. Yeah. Get that brown packets that away. I'm going to Starbucks, too, if you don't mind. Oh, he dropped it off. I guess you didn't have to go. Can you get some diapers at Target? Um, anyways, I'm going to get a jumpsuit. I love it. I love this. This is fun. I love a jumpsuit. It probably makes more sense in the in the the beamer than the centrum. But that's good fun. No, it's fun. It's fun to put something on for a thing. Yes. You know what I mean? I have my show pants, my show jacket, my show of Dildo. What are you talking about? Yeah. Showmanship. But I reparked. I reparked you to talk about that. Remember when we worked with him, he had more. You swear a suit. Oh, yeah. And he said he was like, fine, because it felt like a comedy uniform. It gets you in the head of comedy. Like I'm putting the suit on. Here we go. Exactly. Is it for me or the wife? Maybe it's fabric or a frame or a frame. Maybe it's sunglasses. Open her up. Picture frames. This is a deep boxing. This is big. Yes. Deep boxing. Deep boxing is no good. Do toxic. Ah, yes. But you can use one of those too. You got that right, Fetty. All right. Let's see. Okay. Shock is opening the box. Oh, there's a big bush above it. Crinkle. Crinkle. That's a photography book. Oh, it's a frame. Oh, that must be a gift. That's the go-to. That's the new house gift. Like he used to be a candle or a tie. Yeah. Now it's the frame. Tie food. I think it's got to be. It's got to be. All right. Throw it in the gutter. Yeah. Yeah. Well, we'll talk about how much we love it soon. Yeah. Love your aura. We love your aura. You got an aura about you. Should I get a frame or something I want? Boy, you are hot today. Hey folks, today's story is brought to you by Shopify. Cheating. Starting your own business could turn into a nightmare if you don't have the right tools. Let Shopify help you realize your dreams. Shopify is the commerce platform behind 10% of all e-commerce in the U.S. because they make it incredibly easy to start and run your biz. 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Better help therapists work according to a strict code of contact and their fully licensed in the US. So you know, you're getting the help you need this month. You don't wait to reach out whether you're checking in on a friend or reaching out to a therapist yourself. Better help makes it easier to take that first step. Tuesday listeners get 10% off their first month at betterhelp.com/tuesdays. That's better HLP.com/tuesdays. So what happened? You give me some normal. Oh yeah. Give me typical. Well, Oslo I've been before. Oslo is the song. There's more saunas than cars. Fun fact. I've been googling. I don't know about that fact. Yeah, but it good. That seems like the most retired fact I've ever heard. They got a sauna and every up, up your ass, nook cranny. I don't know how to pose as or shit. What is it? What is it? What is it? Might have been Helsinki. Saunas versus cars in Helsinki at the Helsinki. Yeah, changes everything. They have roads though, right? I've been to Helsinki. I don't know. I didn't see a single sauna. Oh, you've been Helsinki? Absolutely. He's doing it in the fin. I opened for Louis. Oh, the fin. Who harassed? Who used two K's? Chuck's going to tell you how stupid this is right now. I can't say it. It says it has more saunas than cars. Oh, on what website? On website line.com. It also says it also says Finland has 3.3 million saunas and only 5.5 million people. 3 million saunas and 5 million people. More than half the people is saunas. That's the quote of us having 285 million saunas. I think we only have like 12. Yeah, you're right. They're all at Equinox with Gays. And Rogan's house from AI. It says that. Thank you. I mean, look, I just read it somewhere. I didn't make it up. It's from pplmagazine.com. So, let us banana loose. Wow. I mean, that is crazy. I'm telling you, they love a steam and they also are the most coffee drinkers in the world, which is weird because they don't talk. They're the quietest country in the planet. And I'm like, hey, which way is third street? They're like, interesting. I'm like, don't you guys drink coffee? Most, most caffeine drinkers. It's like, yeah, what would you think is the most coffee country? I would think America because everyone just tea. Yeah. Good point. Everyone's tea. We're like the most coffee culture to me, but maybe South America too. I would say South and I thought Middle East because they're always sitting there plotting with their coffee, like, oh, we're going to take over. But I think they drink tea there too. A lot of black tea. I think black tea right now. Yeah, not a black. But that Starbucks clothes. Crazy. I know. There's one a block further though. Oh, I went to that one. That one's a little spicy. That's a little dicey. Yeah, spicy and dicey. But yeah. So Oslo was great. The show is killer. Now I got hit up by a guy. I'm gonna fuck up his name. Byron or Myron. He's a Somalian cat. Whoa. Very soda. No. From Oslo. Wow. But that's his whole act. It's about to be a Somalian from Oslo or, you know, whatever. I'm hungry. Yeah. Yeah. I'm the captain now. And he goes, hey, I got a pod. You want to do it? I said, sure. I go do his podcast. I'll do any pod. And then several run-ons. I gotta get on that. I'll do it, Roddy. He's hurt. He's hurt. Really? Yeah. Well, there couldn't be anything more hurtful than you being unwilling to do someone's podcast. I mean, that is not height of insult. I will do it. He just hit me on a I had a baby up my ass and my wife was yelling at me. My mom was fingering me. I was in a bad spot. Yeah. I'll get it. Maybe I'll do it this week. It's kind of worth the joke though. If you that was the one that's true. Good point. It's kind of like when you roast a whole panel and skip a guy. Yeah. It's actually the ultimate roast. Yeah. You're not even important enough to write about, but Tony, huh? I did that with Tony in the Lewis one. Oh, that's right. Yeah. What happened there? He just did it. They roast the ones you love. So I'm skipping Tony. Oh, that's good. But that counts as a joke. Yeah, that's a joke. That's something. But that was a great roast. But thank you. We'll get into that later. Um, so what was I talking about? I have no idea. I saw it. Oh, there's Somali. Somali. Yeah. So I do it. Somali. Yes. He'll sinky. Then he goes, I got a show. That boy. And he was a great guy. Super funny guy. I gave him five minutes on my show. And then I go, I got a show or he goes, I have a show at a club. You want to do it after and I go, sure, I'd love to. Now he puts me in a cab and the cab driver. This is like older black guy was like, oh, oh, is that him? Is that Byron or whatever? And I was like, yeah, yeah. He's like, oh, my God. He's like, I'm your biggest fan. So I didn't realize just talking to a random guy. He's huge over there. No kidding. So everybody knows this guy. So I'm like, oh, glad I did his part. I'm glad I'm going to do a show. We go to my show. He goes up. He does great. Then Sean Murphy kills. And then I get off stage and the tour manager goes, I got you food from the best most trusted place in Finland in Oslo. They love fish. This is the best fish restaurant. And I go, oh, my God, I can't wait. And then the guy comes back and he goes, we got to go. They're waiting for you at the other club. And I was like, oh, you forgot the show. I knew I had the show, but I didn't know it was immediately after. So I go, ah, about to eat this and he goes, we got to go, man, we got to go. And I was like, okay, so I scooped the fish up. We jump outside. He's like, we'll take a bus. Nah, we'll get an Uber. Nah, we'll take a train. We finally get to the show. It's jam packed. The guy's been stretching and stretching. I got the fish. And I was like, God, it's going to eat this fish. And they go get in there. The guy sees me walking. He's like, oh, thank God. Mark Norman. I go up. Do okay. I get off. I want to eat the fish. And right when I get off, everybody goes, you got to take a photo. You got to meet this guy. You got to meet that guy. I never eat the fish. This is terrible. That's, uh, it's not the best story. I hate to hear it. You should have eaten it like a cat and a cartoon when you just strip it and it's a fish bone. Yes, yes, so you never got to have it. I took it back to the hotel and by that time it was coagulated. No fish doesn't keep. It doesn't keep. And you can't microwave fish. That's like a big thing. Oh, you can't. If you do it, it worked. They'll fire you. That's what I mean. They'll shoot you. Yeah. I think that's most of the workplace violence. Yeah. Boy, I hate that because Oslin, that's their whole thing is fish. I know. I was so excited. They took it right out of the river. Oh, fuck the way hard. I have two ways I judge a city. How good it is as a city. You can get in the river like in Copenhagen. They just swim in the river and then go back to work. They're in the lunch break. It's unbelievable. Right. You just see people jumping into what would we know is like right off the Brooklyn harbor. Right. Like Kramer. And then you must hate New York then. Hey, this is trash. The second thing, hot girls on the bus. You see a hot one on the bus? That says everything about a suit. That's good. That means the bus is running on time. They're safe. The women aren't cuts. They're willing to get on the bus. There's so many factors with a hot girl on a bus. Or it could be their poor though. But the poor girls are hot. Wow. Hot poor girls. I mean poor married one. Poor girls here look like Chuck. Good point. I have a point. Yeah. That's not bad. Okay. So that that's my two ways. But I finally got back to the hotel and I picked up the fish and it winked at me. I just threw it in the toilet. But that's terrible. I know the car on the bus. No, it's too much. I didn't have a few tensils and it was smelly. I didn't want to open it. Well, I do hate not being able to eat a meal properly. Yes. We had people over yesterday. You came over. It was fun. It was fun. It was cool. But you just have pizza and fruits. Everyone's not well. You're in the middle of a story. You grab a slice. You shove it in your ass. You have a couple grapes. By the end of the day, you're like, I never sat at a table with a knife in four. Yes. So even though I ate a bunch of shit, I still feel hungry. A hundred percent. Because I'm hungry for the dinner, the TV dinner tray and the microwave goes up. Yes. You want the phone out or the TV on meal in front of you and just enjoying every bite. But this was carrying it everywhere. And all that. It was it was a nightmare. But thanks for having me on. Get the guys name. What's the guy's name? So I got to get a guy. Sweet guy. Norway. Jonas Joseph. It was a great moment because he gave me a I put him on my show in New York comedy club. And he said I was the first American check. He's ever gotten for comedy. Oh, wow. And so he brought me up as that and the crowd went nuts. But great crowd. Oslo has killer crowds. I've done Oslo. It was fun. I did the club there. Did you do the club? Is that the same club? I did. Yeah. That's where I couldn't eat the fish. Was that the place with the upstairs green room and you come down the elevator thing? Yes. Yes. Yeah. It's kind of in the corner. Yes. Corner. That one time. That was fun. And it's just fun. You go to these places and you're like, wow, there's a whole world here. And these people are all driving and eating and fucking. And then you leave. Then you come back. And they're still there. Yeah. It's a great, big, beautiful world. It really is except for this neighborhood. But don't care for the neighborhood. But so then you jump on a flight, go to Helsinki, more so on as the cars. Helsinki was a little bit of a rough show. And one guy, I'm kind of bombing. And one guy goes, excuse me. And I go, yes, sir. And he goes, why don't more comics come here? And I go, you saw the show. This is what it is. No one's like, I'm dying. I go to Finland. By the way, we did. I did the whole Louis joy went fucking everywhere. As you know, and you went to a lot of the shows. Helsinki was like the worst show we did. Is that right? It wasn't like a big hockey arena, 15,000 people. And it was by worst. I mean, just last crowd reaction. Subpar. They may have loved it. The jokes were the same. And they may have all left whatever. But worst based, I are on our scale. That's what it is. Of like, you're not like, and another thing, mother fuck. This was like, just kind of dehes the couple of highs. Yeah, it was like, it was tough. Yeah. Yeah. So I got off. And I was like sweating. My dick was inside me. And I was like, whoo, that was tough. And then you go outside to meet and greet. And they're like, unreal, mate. That was killer. I don't know why they're British. But yeah, great time. And then we went straight to Helsing, uh, Stockholm. That is a beautiful city. People love Stockholm. I'd never been. I was a guest, a guest or a guest. Guest. Yeah. It was a guest. And uh, gas crisis. And man, was this city beautiful? The people are handsome. I had meatballs in the old town, the cobblestone streets, overlooking the river. They do a thing there where we went to an outdoor cafe. They're known for cinnamon buns. That's a thing. Cinnamon buns and meatballs. So we go to an outdoor cafe to get a cinnamon bun and a coffee. And I go, uh, sitting there, watching the water, boats going by. And all you keep hearing is, huh, huh, huh. And you're like, huh, let's be like McCaw around here. Then you hear like, like, what the hell might it? Aviate, Aviary. And then I go up to the lady to desk and I go, what's up with the bird noises? And she goes, oh, we find it soothing. Like soothing. I'm sitting next to the river eating a cinnamon bun with my friend in the sunshine. I don't eat the bird noises. This is weird. And she goes, also, it scares birds away. And I go, what the fuck? I got Puerto Ricans around here. I can just blare bad money. Definitely. Yeah. A little star. What do you call it? Speakers be like, yeah, exactly. Yeah. Keep the gangs out. Oh, no, you did. Oh, no, you did. Believe that. Yeah. End word, end word, end word. But, uh, yes. Oh, that was weird. Cut to, we do the show, the best show of the whole tour. Get on the flight. The next day to Dublin. I mean, I'm shitting in the Swedish bathroom. And I hear McCall, McCall, and I go, what the fuck is this soothing? They think it's soothing. I don't mind it in the bathroom. The bathroom I kind of like because it's all I know, but now you hear you know, that's shit and a bird. It's a brown bird. I guess so. But I like that because, well, here's the thing though, America, it's music everywhere. I'm at the fucking bathroom at the gym. It's music. The cruise ship, which we'll get to. It's fucking music playing all day everywhere. I can't go anywhere without fucking music playing. It's all shit music. And you go to the gas station. They got a commercial on the thing. Hey folks, why don't you buy a hot dog? So I'd rather bird noises than TV commercials and songs. I guess though. But when you don't know it's coming and you're like, it's a little jarring. You're like, whoa, what the hell that go from. So I talked about it on stage with it. We all had a kick out of it. By the way, Sweden, this paradise, blonde people, blue eyes, they got a real bombing problem. Well, so do I. But like they throw pipe bombs and grenades in the street. That's what the gang wore. We shoot each other, they got a Afghan and Syrian gangs are going at it. Wow. They imported, exported. Yikes. Yeah. So that was, I brought that up on stage that killed because they're just like, how do you know about the bombing? Well, that's what I'm afraid of here is that we're going to have left wing, right wing bomb things happening. And the right's going to win because they got all the artillery. They're supposed to, yeah, but you know, you can get all you need to get as a bomb and roll under a car. You know, I worry about, they say meat might go away. Like in 2050, they're going to look back and go, can you believe they eat meat? These fucking savage pieces of shit, it's like slavery. Oh, get out of here. That's a worry. You think so? I think it needs out. It's a theory for sure that we're going to eventually be like, oh, I can't be. We're killing animals all the time. Yeah, yeah, people are going to talk like it's, you know, slavery. But that's such a minority though. The people that are anti meat, I feel like, isn't it? Well, we had a minority that thought that slavery was bad. I suppose so. You know, but that's, that's all it takes is a group going, this is horrible. Then it bubbles up and then now you got a civil war and then they won. Well, I got, I got to tell you that maybe it doesn't like the sound of that. I got to say, I think there's a lot of problems that we got to run in before this. Okay. Good because I like meat. And there'll be a black market or a red market where you fucking, you go somewhere with chopping cows heads up back here. Yeah. Like a prohibition. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. That's how easy. I think we'll be all right. Okay. All right. Well, either way, got the Dublin and you know, Dublin. Dublin is just a hoot and a holler. You get a Guinness and the Vickers Street is one of those. Did Louis do that one with you? We did the three arena. Oh, geez. Okay. Yeah. The Vickers Street is one of these magical. It's almost like a Wilbur or a Carnegie Hall where it's just like this perfect comedy room. I don't know why it's a Carnegie Hall in there. What's a better one? More of the more theater. Beacon. Beacon is good. Wilbur Beacon. What's the one out in San Francisco there? A Masonic Temple. What's the one that Chappelle did the special at the music? Lenny Bruce. Did it Lincoln theater? No. The big San Francisco. Oh, the film more. The film more is good. Yeah. Good comparison. Just the greatest crowds. They know comedy and Dublin is scary because they're funny. Right. You know, when you're around a funny person, you're less funny. Really? I get that. I'm like, oh, this guy is so funny that I'm just going to step back. Right. So sometimes when the crowd will like heckle something, I'm like, that's better than anything I got. Well, they got the famous heckle. You're ugly. You're not funny. And I've had it. I don't want to say who received it. That's a tough heckle. Come back from. Yeah. What is it? The Vast you made? Yeah. Come back for that. Imagine that. A female comic on stage in Dublin, a man stands up in the middle of a room and says, you're not funny. You're ugly. And I've had it. And I've had it. It storms out. What the fuck can you possibly say? Oh, sir. You're. I mean, you're just done. That's the end of your career. You got to drop the mic in a bad way. I want to know who it is, but there's so many ugly comedians. Yeah. So it's tough to say. And ugly bad ones. You're not funny. You're ugly. And I've had it. I'm ugly. I'm ugly. Stopped at bottom. Complete. You can't do anything. Covered every base. Not only you want funny, but I can't even look at you. Even if that's you're the biggest fan and you think they're attractive and hilarious. Yes. You're still like. Yikes. Exactly. That was rough. That was rough. Oh, boy. Sorry. But yeah. So then flew home and that flight back. Why is the flight back longer? What is that? Well, don't from Europe. You're against the jet stream. Ah, the jet stream. Just a reverse of the United States. So in a way. When you're flying. When you live in New York. So when we're flying home, the jet stream takes an hour off. Got it. You're going reverse. You're going east to west. So you're going into the jet stream. Yes. Yes. Oh, there's one thing. All right. You go, but then I got one thing to end on. All right. Well, I got to get into this cruise ship a little bit. Okay. Because I had a lot of fun stuff going on. All right. Well, first I had to fly to Orlando. We had to fly because we left from Cape Canaveral. So we got to fly to Orlando. And then it's an hour drive to Cape Canaveral. Got it. And Musk launched a rocket the day we were there. We didn't realize it was shooting across the sky. It was so bummed. Yeah. We're in Cape Canaveral. The next morning we watched the news. Like, here's all the footage of the rocket shooting across the thing. And I'm like, you were standing underneath it. I didn't fucking know. Did it land in Australia, I think? Maybe. That's what I heard. I can't remember the Caribbean. I don't know where it landed. Yeah. Australia. No, that's too far. Give it a go. I think it did. No shit. How about that? Well, whatever. It's impressive. So we're, we fly to Orlando. And then I bought a couple of first-class tickets. I said, we're going on vacation. Let's live. And this is Marty's last flight that we don't have to pay for. Oh, that's a free flight. Two years old. Oh, I didn't know that. Oh, I'm dreading it the next because now I'm going into Orleans. I got to buy him a ticket. Yeah. Everything's added 33%. That's why the Epstein Island plane was so cheap. Watch your kids. So it's just going to be rough from here on out. So I said, I'm buying first-class. We're flying down in style. But I forgot to book the seats. So it's time to like choose your seat. We couldn't sit together. Uh-huh. So I'm sitting in the row five with Marty. He's on my lap. He just wants to be with me. It's very sweet. Sarah's up there. And I got to eat second. Because I got him on my lap. So I'm like, all right. I'll hand him off so I can eat. And they're doing that. I had pre-ordered. Good for you. The lasagna. The beef lasagna. Classic beefy lasagna. Marinara sauce. Just like a kid. Like I like. And this is what the first class does. They give you one great option. And then one cold noodle jizz salad. Exactly. It's like the old Reagan joke. Cold fish head. So the lady next to me, I got the baby on me. The lady next to me, she brings her the food. And she's like, he goes, here you go. Beef lasagna. She's like, no, no, I pre-ordered the chicken. And he's like, oh, so sorry. She's like, that's fine. I'll take that. Oh, no, no. You ordered the chicken. I'll go get the chicken. I'm nervous. And I'm sitting here with the baby listening to this whole dialogue. He's asleep on me. So I don't want to say anything. Yeah. Because if you make a peep, he wakes up. So I'm just sitting here listening to this. She goes, no, no, no, it's fine. It's fine. I'll just take the lasagna. He's like, are you sure? Because I have a chicken. Yes, he has a chicken. And she goes, no, no. And so the whole time I'm going, that's my lasagna. They're not going to have lasagna. And then you have the other half of your brain going, relax. You're doing a thing. This hasn't happened yet. You're down the road. This is what you do. Let go. And what is the chicken, if I may ask? It's cold chicken. Cold sliced grilled chicken with a fucking pile of arugula and jizz on it. Oh. And she says. Kills me. Hi, order the chicken. Kills me, Jerry. So finally, he gives you the business. Marty wakes up. Sarah takes the baby. Yep. I ordered the beef lasagna. Yes, as you ordered the beef lasagna, I'm so sorry. I'm out of beef lasagna. That's on him. He gave away my meal. Yeah. There's no getting it back. I'm not getting it back. I ordered it. That's, you got to get a free flight. I don't know about a free flight. I mean, that's a blatant fuck up because he had one left for the guy who pre-ordered it. And he gave it away, Willie Nilly, to the chicken bitch. And she didn't even want it. She wanted the chicken. And then she was like, I'll find I'll take it. She was just being easy. She was like, I don't know. I've decided I want that. She was like, I don't worry about it. You know what you do in that sitch? You go, you go folksy. You go. Don't go away with my lasagna, buddy. Yeah. You play like a joke. You had the baby. You had the baby. You had the baby. And he would have woken up. And then he woke up the baby anyways. He was like, are you ready for that meal now? And the baby's like, oh, what is it? Now, what do you say when you go? I pre-ordered though, Dickless. Well, what can you do? It's not worth a beef because a beef lasagna because it's gone. You know, you wanted him to know he fucked up. Oh, he knows. I got you pre-ordered, but I ran out. I guess I could really go, hey, what the fuck? You son of an onion. Well, sometimes you get that email from Delta saying, how was your flight? Any problem? You know when you go, hey, we're a pre-ordered meal. And I didn't get it, Dickless. I just don't want to be too carony. I get it, but I get it. But that would have crushed me. Like, you could step on my foot. You could fuck my wife. But the beef lasagna, you pre-ordered. You did the due diligence. Well, can I tell you this though? They brought the chicken. It wasn't bad. All right, all right, all right. It was pretty good. And it wasn't cold chicken head. It was like, it was hot chicken. Okay. And I think there was like a, maybe a mashed potato and a broccoli. So it was pretty good. All right, all right, not bad. And now I'm like, now I'm eating some broccoli, which is good. So it was fine. Okay. But no less frustrating. I was on a flight, I don't know, a month ago. And the guy goes, I didn't pre-order. But I forgot about the whole pre-order thing. So he goes, what do you want for breakfast? And I go, I'll do the omelet. And he goes, we got left as the yogurt. And I gave out such a depressed, disappointed grunt. The guy felt horrible. And he's like, I know, I know nobody wants the yogurt. But you got to, you got a pre-order. And I was like, yeah, you're right, you're right. But I don't know. I don't think the Shake Shack burger on there too. What? You can get a Shake Shack burger on Delta. Is that right? Oh, that's right. That's new to me. But I don't like it because I like I customize. I don't want their own cream shit on. Oh, give me that. maybe the cream right in the face. - They put you that Trump cream on there. - Orange. - Sure, but. - So anyways, it gives away my thing. Then I just, so we're flying down and I got to figure out how are we gonna get to Cape Canaveral? I got the baby. I don't like, I guess I tried to learn to car and then the cars are all sold out. 'Cause it's Orlando. - Yeah, yeah. - It's always been, it's October. So it's just, there's not a car in sight. - Disney World time. - So I'm on the flight and I'm going, fuck, why are we gonna, I guess we'll get a lip. But I'm like, I don't wanna be in a lift for one hour. - Oof. - 'Cause you're in the back seat. You can't really have a conversation. The baby's squiggling. There's no car, I guess we can order a lift with a car seat. But even still, it's like, we wanna talk about rape and race and whatever. - That's episode 80. - And so we're just sitting there like, I don't wanna sit in a fucking lift with a dry, plus in Florida. It's not like New York where it's like the Muslim guy. - Yes. - He's quietly sitting there. This is Florida, it's gonna be a shirtless guy with a camouflage underwear going. So what brings you down to Florida? Well, you know, there's more saunas than birds in Florida. And I'm like, I can't do it. So at the last minute, while we're descending, I go to kayak, which I never use. - I know. - I put in rental car. And the only thing that kayak goes across every rental place, Alabama, national, whatever, 15 passenger van is the only thing available. - Yeah. - And I go, fuck it. I wanna drive. I wanna be able to stop at Starbucks. I wanna be able to get a meal, change his diaper. 'Cause if you're in the car too, the baby shits his pants. You keep like, hey, lift driver, could you pull over for 10 minutes? - This is like a John Hughes moment. - Oh, it was crazy. I gotta share the photo. So I order a 15 passenger van. - Oh my word. - We land. I tell Sarah, I'm like, this is gonna be a little weird. We gotta go get a van. - I mean, is that a sprinter? What does that look like? - No, it's no sprinter. A sprinter's nice. This is like, I'll share the photos. I mean, I'll send them off, but. - I'm picturing like a, like a A team. - Man. - It's fucking huge. No, no, it's, hold on. Where is it? Oh my God, it took a lot of bathing suit photos. I'm very attracted to my wife. Oh my God, I took a lot of photos. I gotta go way back. You know what I'm like to take a photo. I guess I could just show you after. - I could tell you. Yeah, you could show me after. - Yeah, you tell me the thing. - Well, I feel bad, I shit on Finland. I just wanna say we had a fish soup. Everybody said, what are you getting? What do I get in Finland? They go, we got a good fish soup. We got the fish soup. It was the best meal I've ever had in my life. - Really? - Get the, it's a salmon soup. - Get the soup. Get the soup, Jerry. Salmon soup with lemon and potatoes. It was unbelievable. They put a cream right on top. Unreal. Thank you, Finland. More saunas than cars. Incredible. Then I got to the airport in Oslo. I'm group C. - Okay. - Oh, that's not good. Group C. So whatever, my opener goes up ahead of me. The tour manager goes up ahead of me. There in Group A, Group B. Finally get the Group C, Group C. I go in, BB, the gate opens. I scan my boarding pass and the lady goes, what's that? I go, it's a carry on, it's tiny. It fits everywhere. She goes, you can't have a carry on in Group C. - What? - Get to the wall. - See for carry on. - Ah, see for cunt. She was a bitch. So I go, what, what is that, this room? And she's like, no, no, get on against the wall. It's my job. It's policy. And I go, okay. So she keeps sending, she keeps sending all these people in C with carry on to the wall. So now there's like 30 people on the wall. We're all like, what is this? And people are just walking by with backpacks and purses. So eventually, I just go, this lady is like arguing with so many people because it's like a hot button issue. Everybody's pissed. And I just left. - Whoa. - I just walked away. It's just kind of like morphed into the crowd and that was getting on the plane. And then you're in that, that jetway, what do you call that, that tunnel? But it's clear. It's a glass jetway. So I see her like, okay, bap, bap, bap, bap, bap. She's going, where's the guy? Where's the other guy? Did he leave? And you know, this is aviation. This is big biz. - Right. - This is serious shit. So I'm like, oh shit. So I slid behind a fat lady. - Wow. - She's kind of hugged the wall behind this fat lady. - Hard to come by out there too. - That's true, yeah. And we just started boarding slowly and I was like, kind of shadowing the pig and I got on. - No kidding. - I got on the plane. Yeah, I was waiting like, here it comes. She's going to come on with a clipboard and an officer and tease me, but no, I got on. - Oh yeah, I'm glad to hear that. The rules don't apply to us, God damn it. - Well, it's a silly rule group. - It's a stupid rule and you got on with no problem. - Exactly. - Why is the rule there? - I know, I walk on and they go, "Hello, welcome, Gorgl, Durgan, Durgan." And I put my bag up and I had a great flight. - Well, did you Gorgl Durgan? - Oh. - He got Gorgl. Gorgl Durgan sounds like an actor from the old West. There it is. There's the big van, look at that thing. - That's crazy. - And when you back up, you would be like, "Beep, beep, beep." - That's huge. - That's like a mile long. - It's fucking crazy. - You're quite reasonable. - That's what I felt like. I felt exactly like Clark Griswald. Oh, here I am in the van. I mean, here's the baby drive of the van. - Oh, that's great. - Oh, he loved it. He went crazy. - White trash. - I mean, it's fucking huge. - That's great. - There we are. Look at it. - Oh, man, you're living large back there. You could take a nap in there. - It's fucking huge. Look at this thing. - Wow. - You could fit a bunch of migrants in that thing. - Look at that, man. - You could stop ice. - Can we see that? - Put that on the film. - That was the only vehicle available. - Yeah, you know, does that eight thousand times more than a Hyundai? - No, it was like 150 bucks or so. - Oh, my God. - Oh, that's the problem. It was 150 bucks for the day 'cause we only had to drive it once, one hour. - Wow. - So we get in the van and it's crazy 'cause I'm like, I gotta go pick up the baby and I'm in the garage, the rental garage and I have to like keep backing up 'cause I can't swing it, I'm not a hooking. And then we went straight to Starbucks the way I wanted to do. I'm in the drive through doing like an eight-point turn because it's not meant for the drive through. So I'm like, it's like a hot chick. - Wow. - I got my hands, but I'm like, - Boom, boom, boom, boom. - Wow. - That's great. That's all I had available. So we had a great ride. But then we're in the swap land down there. We're driving the Cape Cranow. It's all one shot. You just get on Route 4 East straight, not a single turn. - East side. - And they have those white birds, not doves, not seagulls. - Cran? - Cran! - Yeah, yeah, I grew up in the swamp. - Steven Cran. - Yes. - That's the comic. - No wait. Yes, that's the comic, Steven Cranow. Who wrote Red Badger Courage? Is that also Steven Cran? - Ugh. - I don't remember. - Yeah, I'm a more of a Michael Crayton guy. - Who wrote Red Badger Courage? Is that Steven Cran? - I see myself. - 'Cause it's a comedian, QS name's Steven Cran. - Yes, Steven Cran. - Hey! - What a poll. - Nice. - So anyways. - Cranek. - There's Cranes everywhere. I'm driving the van, the van is 14 feet high. Cranek is flying towards us up, but he just didn't have the giddy up. Boom. I nailed him. - Whoa. - I hit his feet, it's like little claw talent. - Yeah, yeah. - Sam Tallinn. - And I caught him anyway. And I'm like, oh, and Sam, I was like, you just killed the bird? My God, you killed the bird? I said, we don't have any deal with them. - Those are endangered in Florida. - I looked out the rear view and I just saw him flop and he hit the windshield. - Oh! - And I did him, he hit me. - Wow. - He came, I was straight forward. - Oh my God, you're like, Tonya Harding, you took out his knee. - Ten and two, 65 miles an hour, and he just didn't have the lift. - Jerry. - Neither did you. - And I just thought you got the van. - That's right. And so boy, did I cream him. - Wow, that's the second animal you've hit with a car on this show. - What was the other one? - You ran right into like a beaver or something in the a Zion. - Oh, that was ours. - I ran over a rabbit, we heard it crunched, but I also hit a deer on Christmas. That was 2012. - Yeah. - We went to the Wulfa Wall Street and there was a strip of deer hair in the, my Dodge Neal. (laughs) - He ripped away his trip. But so anyways, hit the crane. But then I got to tell you about this cruise ship. My God, was it fun. - Crane and Abel. - I mean, really, really cruise is fun. It wasn't been a white cruise. I was seeing a lot of videos about these black cruises. - Well, this is the best one to do. And I told you, I don't want to tell too many people 'cause I don't want to get out there. - Oh shit. But the Turner Classic movies cruise. - Oh yeah. - Best time of my life. Everyone's 155 years old. And there's no kids in the, there's like three kids total. - You brought the kids. - So I had the, we had the kiddie pool to ourselves. - Oh. - We had the big slide. You had to have the big slide. Which we didn't discover 'cause there's, the slide, the regular yellow slide at the loop tea scoopy boo-loom. - Sure. - Which is very fun. - Of course. - You go up and it's like, you're gonna walk up three flights of stairs and there's no line whatsoever. There's a few kids on that one. But that one was really fun. You go up the side, whoop, whoop, whoop. And one of the days we get to an island. - Disney just bought an island. - Lookout. - Cheese. - Epic state. - Or whatever. And it was cool. We swam in the ocean. I had the most spiritual swim in my life. Swam with the baby, which was fun. He loves it. He never wants to get out. But eventually you're like, all right. My back hurts, my arm hurts. I'm holding the baby above the way. - Yes, yes. - Take him out, I'm going, I'm going back in. I swam for 20 minutes in the Caribbean. - Wow. - Warm water. - Oh. - Crystal clear, fun way. 'Cause we're out in the middle of the Caribbean. So there's like big waves, which I love. First you ride him a little bit, then you go into the breakers and let him fucking smash you around. - Yeah. - I'll tell you, I can spend four and a half hours straight sitting in the ocean. It really heals. - It heals, it heals. - I think about you every time I get in the ocean 'cause of that damn thing. - I felt just refreshed and I never felt better my whole life. - Yeah, the ocean is something special. We came from there, you know, we walked right out of that fucker. I have evidently. So it was awesome. According to some people, um, what the fuck was I going to talk about? I don't even remember. Cape Canaveral. Oh, it's through. Oh, it's through. We got out the boat. We're walking from the island and we're looking at the ship. It's the best, um, what's that word on the board? View. View, but, um, scenic, no perception of the best horizon. No, it's the best plan for the ship. No, when you have a certain angle of the best. Oh, yeah. Perception, the best, um, per sneak point. The best vantage point. No. It's the best, uh, what's that word? View of the world. View, but it's a longer word. The best perception, the best conception, conceptual, it really gives blank to it. The situation. Perspective. Perspective. It's the best perspective of the ship. You can see the whole ship gleaming and I look at this big tube. Jerry, look at the thoops. Joey, Joey, look at the thoops. I go, what the fuck is that tube? And I'm like, is that another water slide? And Sarah's, I don't know about that. I'm like, it must be. It's a big high straight down twisty. Uh-huh. And I got to investigate this. It's like day five. We've been on the boat for five days. Somehow I was missing it. Uh-huh. I go over. I go, is this a fucking water slide? There's like a, you know, lifeguard there. No one's been on it for five days since old people and he goes, yeah, it's a water slide. I was like, is it open? It's open for another 30 minutes. Oh! This is the last day. So I'm like, I gotta get up there. So I run all the way up the steps and the slide is straight down, Jerry. Whoa! And then it shoots out over the water. Whoa! It's like a way beyond the stone. Yes. So I go all the way up there and we know we're like, the boat is eight stories high. Yeah. And then this is another three stories up. So you're way up there. Oh, yeah. I know there's a little sandwich boards that sit at the bottom, it says, the weight is 15 minutes from here. So sometimes you're there, and it's a 15 minute weight. I see. But there's no one in line now. Got it. So I get up there and there's just a lifeguard sitting there by himself at the top of the machine. And I go, hey, can I go down? He's like, yes, sir. He's like, you're the first one all week. Wow. I go, oh my God. Seriously, he's like, yes. And it's like a coffin-y thing. Uh-huh. It's clear like the spinal tap, you know the big things that close, and he goes, yeah, you got to stand in there and then it counts down to three. You got to put your hand on your shoulders and cross your feet. That's how you know it's a good slide. So now, is it a trap door? It's a trap door. Oh. So now I have a moment of panic because I'm middle-aged man now. Yes, yes, you're old. And I go, I got to stand in this thing and now you're looking out and I'm 10 stories high if I was a foot. Oh, my word. That's the best view I've ever seen just ocean ever. You can't see any land. We're out in the middle of the Caribbean. Perspective. And I go, okay, and it's just me. There's no one in line. It's just, I can't leave. I've walked all the way up there. It's not Bob's line. It's just Bob. But my heart is pounding because Jack Rabbit. These things are scary because when everyone is awry, what someone's like, put your hands over your shoulders and your legs crossed, all you can think about is like, what if I have an itch? What if I don't do it? Yeah, right. Because the reason they ask you to do that is if not- You lose it on that? Yeah. You're going to the infirmary. So I'm like, so I stand on there in the door closed, like all of a sudden, I've been so excited this whole time and I, in that moment of truth, you're like, this is dangerous. Yes. This is real. You don't want to be a fucking retard who just destroys my life because I wanted to go down a water slide. No, no, you don't. So I'm like, okay. And he is, I was like, boy, I just got nervous. And the guy's like, I'll show you how it works once. So he presses the button. And the door closes slowly, like a coffin, and it goes in three, two, one, and you watch the door open, but nobody's on it. So I'm just sitting there. I'm like, this is terrifying. Oh my God. I'm nervous. And the guy goes, eh, eh, it's like four seconds, and I can't. So is the stabbing. Turning around is not an option. No, you're up there. I can't just slunk down the stairs by myself. I'd never be able to face myself again. Yeah, you got to do it. So I go, all right. I can't believe this is there in the whole time, and nobody's utilizing it. Yeah, the whole time. What a waste. So I stand on there. You got the best view I've ever seen in my life, across my legs. I fold my abs. He's like, higher, higher. And I was like, what? He's like, you got to get your hands higher. So it puts you even more scared. What? He's like, you got to hold your shoulders up here. And he's like, okay, that's good. And I'm like, well, what's the between here and here? Yeah. Death, or is it? Right. So I got him up there. And it starts going three, two, well, I'm going to shoot my pants. Yes, yes. Boom. And you go. Whoa. And you can't even really enjoy it, the first thing you're eating water and splashing you. My underwear is like, up my ass while coming up my throat. Oh, yeah. And then before you know, it's like rocking you, jostling you and my eyes. I can't see because the water splashed in my face. And all of a sudden, you just go, boom. And you're at the bottom. You're like, wow. And is another flight attendant? No. Lifeguard. Stand there. And he's not even like phased. It's like when you do late night, no one gives a shit. Yeah. I'm finished. I thought he was going to be like smiling and high-fiving. He's just looking at me like, yeah, yeah, all right. So then you're like, well, I got to go again because now you got it. Now I got it. You got it down. I go back. I find Sarah. I'm like, I found the slide. It's crazy. You got to get up there. And I can't even go with her because we have the baby. So she passes me the baby. And I'm like, all right. Go. So she disappears for like 10 minutes. Of course. All right. Well, you can't have your spouse do it. You don't do it. I guess so. That's what I sucked. Dick. That's why I don't suck, Dick. So anyway, so she did it. We went again. So we ended up just going every other person. Wow. But then you realize the smaller slide is actually better. I see. Because it's longer. Yep. And you have more kind of time to enjoy it. It's not as intense. Right. Right. So I'm glad I did it. It was awesome. But yeah, the regular like, whoa, I'm going around up the thing slide. It's more fun because you can kind of get a little more loose. You know what? It's scary. It's kind of like a friend. He got that friend who does blow. He jumps off the roof. He fucks every guy. He's cool. A shit. He's driving drunk. Then you got the friend who's a little more mild mannered, but it's easier to get along with. Right, right. Every now and then you want to hang out with big, big Pete or whatever. But you really want to hang out with Johnny who's a little more low-key. Yeah. Tommy Johnigan. There you go. Awesome. That was great. But then do we have time? How much time is left here? We're at the end. All right. Well, I'll just say real quick. I got to see all these fucking movies. It was so incredible. Wow. Because they're just playing movies all from the morning all the way through the night. And we got to watch. My final list was Sunset Boulevard, which is amazing in a crowd with all these old people. People were saying the lines and stuff. Wow. That's the big ending with the joke on the boat. I'm ready. No. That's something I can't. I've got it. But also, I'm ready for my close-up is the big deal. Yeah. And then the apartment we watched, which is also amazing. We saw Duck Soup with my parents, my dad's like, "This is the stupidest movie I've ever seen." I'm like, "Ah, you stink." It's supposed to be stupid. Capricorn 1, which was a blast. That's a thriller with O.J. Simpson. What? They're fake. It's like, they fake going to Mars. And then they get caught up in a thing. They have to run. It's really silly and fun. Okay. And then I saw The Steel Helmet, which is a 1951 movie about the Korean War, the first year of the Korean War. Whoa. It was very controversial and fun. Then we watched Snickers. Remember Snickers? Oh, it was Robert Redford. Yeah. Yeah. I saw that as a kid. Yeah. That was fun. My mom had a crush on him. But Clint Doc, which is a shitty John Wayne Western comedy, which was the worst movie I saw. I never heard of it. And then I got to watch my language here. Niagara. Ah, please, with Marilyn Monroe, and that was fun as hell. Good? It was good. It was fun. I don't know. It's like a Hitchcock movie, but it was fun. Is it surreal watching a movie on a boat in the ocean during the day? Yeah. It's pretty wild because there's like a nine at my parents' game. So they watch the baby. We go to a nine a.m. movie one day. I saw three movies in a day. Wow. This is so fun. And they're-- Six hours. They're all packed theaters. Wow. That's beautiful. Well, this is the thing. There's only so much to do on the boat. It's a nine a.m. movie. It's out at 11. You go. That's not bad. You have to get out with the kid. Have lunch. And he wakes up at six. So I had three hours of them before that. Yeah. Have lunch. You go to the pool. You swim in the pool. You hit the water slide. I go to a 5 p.m. movie. Or I think a 3 p.m. movie. Watch that. Come back. Hang out with the baby. Have dinner. Put the baby down. And then you go to an 815 movie. Wow. What about swim? What about buffet? What about gym? I said all those. Oh, you did. Swim. You read. Well, turn Tina watches three movies every day. Wow. But you have thought all crazy that is. But again, you wake up at 8 a.m. You watch a movie from 9 to 11. That's true. Then you watch a movie from 4 to 6. And you watch a movie from 10 to midnight. I know. And then you go, well, when does he see his family? Well, my dad worked from 9 to 5 every day. Exactly. That's 8 hours. So. And most people look at their phone. Fucking 12 hours a day now. You ain't lying, in word. So anyways, we got to wrap it up. This was a fucking classic. Classic. I don't know when this comes out. Is DC already happened? I have no idea. November 3rd. Golly. November 3rd. Good gravy. I mean, DC this weekend, DC improv for the love of Christ, one of the best rooms ever, one of the best cities ever in my opinion. You ain't lying. I'll be there. And then Lexington, Kentucky, December 4th through the 6th. I'm sure I'm somewhere else. I've heard that. No way, no, this weekend I'm in New York. Brunswick. When the fuck is my weekend in DC improv? Maybe that's later this month. November 6th to the 8th is stress factory. I should probably learn my dates, huh? I don't know mine either. Let me go to the website. Punch up live. Go to Punch up live. That's my favorite website of all time. Yeah, November is this weekend. I'm in New Brunswick. I'm fucking idiot. Okay. And then I'm at the DC improv. Please scroll through a lot of stuff here. November 20th to the 22nd is DC Improv. I see. And now these are all New Brunswick. This is Dallas, which already happened. So New Brunswick this weekend, DC improv at the end of the month and then Lexington, Kentucky, December 4th through the 7th. And of course, I've got Tom Dustin movie. Punch up. And small balls approaching a million views, please. Yes. Over 900K. I'm at Lincoln Theater this weekend in DC. We love DC. Then we got Kodak Center and Rochester. That was a, uh, a makeup date. So everybody's mad at me. Uh, so please come out to that, uh, Falls View Casino and Niagara with Marilyn Monroe, speak of the anal. That's on the 14th. Come on out, uh, upstate New York, Ben Skankfest, Nola. We'll see in New Orleans for the big Skankaroo. That's San Diego. The next weekend after that at the observatory and Phoenix. Oh, doing some dates with Gillis. And, uh, then I'm in Minneapolis, uh, for another casino. So check it out. Chuckster. What do you got, sir? Check out my podcast. Fun, bearable. We just did our big Halloween special. We do every year live from a porch, uh, where we hand out candy and podcast on Halloween night. Oh, that's fun. It's fun stuff. And then, uh, during this month, I'll have a one-on-one live interview with Hank Azaria. That's crazy. And that's going to be a lot of fun. Amazing. Check it out. Funbearablepod.com at FunbearablePod on socials. Chuck and Hank Azaria. That is not a couple I ever imagined. Two peas in a pod. Although you've dated someone with those like Hank Azaria. That's true. It's a girlfriend. Yeah. I thought so. She moved here from Colorado. Steve Dave. It's a name. Yeah. All right. Well, I'll be down in New Orleans. The big three, baby. Yeah, we do a nice live. Not alive. Well, we'll do a live. Yeah. But also, we'll do a regular. Maybe I don't know. We'll be making a film. It's going to be crazy. All right. Come see us. Well, down. We can't wait. Let's do it up. Hemens of the wedding, huh? No. All right. Well, I'll show you around and we'll try to keep going. Thank you. We'll see you next time.