#628 Saga Genesis

Hey Mark, fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do. Great. Good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with. Stories! Hit her in the face with a surfboard. And then the duck fell out of his bag! Surf's up! And she didn't even flush. Knock knock. Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe List! Yeah! This is Tuesdays with Stories, everybody. No, that's terrible. This is supposed to be cheesy. My radio is spitting at me. And I can't choose what I want to say. Hey! We're here. We're back. Oh my God. My mom's upstairs. My baby's gay. We're all over the place. I know. It feels like a kid again. We're in the basement smoking weed. Well, your mom's here. And then we went upstairs and she said, I can hear every word. Did she say every word? That's exactly what she said. I heard every word of her saying, I can hear every word. And we had had a seven-minute conversation about how I can't face her alone. That's true. And I was like, what are you, crazy? I can't talk to some old bag. And you were like, well, she sucks, but I thought she could hear us. Oh, we might have to go low. Can you up the volume later and post? We'll just talk low. Well, I think people talk like this on podcasts. We're particularly loud. I think if you put on Ira Glass or. Good boy NPR. Yeah, I think they talk like this. Doon, doon, doon, doon. All things considered. New York Times thing. The Daily. Ah, the Daily. People like that one. The Daily Wire. Yes. Well, jeez, I'm all self-conscious. Every word. Yeah. I mean, I actually can't even think of a worse thing than having your mom hearing every word. And we already went crazy. We were already down here. Luckily, we didn't talk sex. That's true. Well, she must know a lot about Riyadh. Yeah, I guess so. But I will say, the pod is public. Like, our moms could both just go, oh, my God, what the hell happened to that jizz? Well, first of all, it's so much different to have people hear a finished product. I mean, I don't want my family listening to the podcast either, but, like, as it's happening, because, like, if she listens later, I'm not going to see her immediately after she finishes listening. Where this time, we're going to finish, and we're going to walk up there. Yeah. I might bust out the window like the Cowardly Lion. Yeah, you could go, hey, Kool-Aid. Oh, wait, that's Rupert. But, hey, no Rupert jokes. Ace Frehley died last night. Well, he's wearing a red shirt. I had to say something. I know, but his hero, Ace Frehley, R.I.P., 74 years old, fell off a ladder. Finally, the music god stepped in and put an end to this bag of shit. Oh, yeah. Well, it's been the farewell tour for 68 years. We get enough Ace Frehley. Beat it. I'm kidding, of course. I love Ace Frehley. We love Kiss. Jim Norton, I mean, I can't imagine. He must be rolling around in the mud by himself. He's really crying over some tranny porn. But, yeah, I. Oh, the baby's crying. That helps us out. Hopefully, he cries for one straight hour. That'll be perfect. It never occurred to me. Tim Hortons is very close to Jim Norton's. Ah. That's the kind of stuff I think about. Interesting. No one else is coming up with Jim Norton's Tim Hortons. Tim Hortons. I like it. That's big. That's his Canadian brother. Wait, I had some. Oh, when you heard about Ace Frehley, I picture him falling off the ladder in the makeup. Did you picture the makeup on? I gotta say, I just saw a photo of him with no makeup. Is he Asian? What is his deal? What? He looks Hawaiian. No. I'm telling you, this guy looks Hawaiian or Asian or something. He's got long black hair and squinty eyes. Asians can't rock like that. I'll show you. Hold on. All right. Everybody, Wang Chung tonight. Wow, Ace Frehley. That's the news to me. Hold on. I'll show you the exact photo. Oh, yeah. He does look kind of Asian. Yes. I'm looking at him right now. He looks Asian. Wow. I thought that was tough. Tommy Chong. Let me see here. Which is an Asian name, by the way. Why isn't Tommy Chong Asian? He is Asian. Is he? Yes. He doesn't look Asian. Cheech is Mexican and Tommy Chong is Asian. Whoa. He just blew my mind. Here we go. Look at it right here. Tommy, that's not an Asian. That is Aoki. Aoki Frehley. Hold on. I'm sending this to you. You got to put this in the video. Yeah. Look at it. He's part Asian. Oh, my Lord. Now I really hate the band. I had no idea. I mean. Almost to me. Oh, man. I'm sending this to Chuck. Rupert, I don't have your number. Please do. I bet it's just like 14 digits. Nothing? That's a big. Because you're big. That's a fat joke. I see. I'm sorry. I'll stop. You look good, by the way. I'm serious. All right. Not good. Better. Better. Yeah. Certainly not good. By the way, can I ask you a question? What kind of pants are these? Did Fabletics. Fabletics, baby. What are these people? This is it, too. I got a 48-pound box. Me, too. Of Fabletics. It's unbelievable. Are they our new people? I guess so. But they are sending in the goods. And I'm not complaining. See that big box hanging out of my garbage can? That's Fab, baby. I got the same box. It's on my wife. But I couldn't believe it. I actually thought they sent all the clothes to me. And I was going to just lie. I thought the same thing. I was going to be like, well, he doesn't need to know. He's got plenty of money, plenty of clothes. But, dude, Fabletics, Fabletics, fabulous. Unbelievable. We have a cleaner at our house right now. I've got to tell you about this cleaner. Oh, cleaner, huh? Big gay. Not Tuesday. Just gay gay. Just a gay cleaner. Well, he comes over. And I don't want to say too much, because this could get back to him. But he's awesome. I mean, I haven't seen the finished product. There it is as well. Oh, yeah. I'm wearing Fabletics socks. Fabletics. Underwear. Everything I got. The Oakland Fabletics. Hello. I'm in the dugout. OK. So Karen sets me up with this. This cleaner. She's like, you've got to use this guy. He's the best. He's the best in the business. Interesting. So I thought there was like a team. I thought he was the front man. He's texting me like Ace Frehley. I guess Gene Simmons is the front man. They're both front men. Paul Stanley's the front man? Really? And who's the Peter Criss? Paul Stanley, Gene Simmons, Ace Frehley. Are they all? Any other Asians? Because I don't want to be surprised. Gene Simmons is Israeli. That's Asia. Yeah. I guess you're right. Yeah. Guess the dragon. So anyway, so the guy shows up. And it's this weird. You don't have a cleaner that often. I don't anyways. No. And so I'm like, let me get a nice. He offers a deep cleaning. And he's like, I need you out of the house to do my thing. It's going to be gay code. Well, he tells me, you guys got to get out of the house. And so I text Karen. I'm like, does this guy leave? Would you leave the house when the guy's there? And she's like, I've never seen his face. I have no idea what he looks like. Huh. I go over there. I get the doorbell rings. I open the door. And he's like a little guy, very petite. Uh-huh. He's got like a doctor's bag, like this big. What? Doesn't have much. I leave my vacuum cleaner out. He's like that. And he's like, does like an Asian. An ace freely. Like a, what do you call this? A bow. A bow. Does a bow. And is like, OK. And he just kind of like, I don't want to say prances, but he moves lightly. So he is Asian. He's not Asian. Oh. I think he's black. I think he's light-skinned black. But he's bowing like hipster bow, I think. Oh, hipster bow. Now the bow breaks. I think so. And he's kind of looking around. He's like, anything special, needs, and whatever. And I was like, well, my wife. 48-pound box. And he's kind of looking under the carpet and everything. And I want to watch him. I want to sit there and watch him because I feel like he works in a way. And I go, OK, I'm going to leave. He's like, well, you got to let me know if you're coming because I work shirtless. No. What is he, Bert Kreisberg? Who is this guy who works shirtless? I swear to God. So he's in there shirtless. And I got the baby cam, the nanny cam. I'm trying to see him. Oh, yeah. But it's above the rim. It's like, it's just looking down. So I'm trying to, I want to get a look at this guy. And he asked for the Wi-Fi and the Bluetooth. So I think he's in there like, ah, I want to dance. And I think it's just going to be spic and span beautiful. Easy. And he's got there at 1030. He's like, I'm going to be done 430 earliest. What? Which is six hours. Oh, my God. But it's him solo. He puts on his ballet slippers and takes his shirt off. He slides in like Risky Business. I got to tell you, I honestly think, and I'm not trying to be prejudiced against the gay, what do you call that? Homophobic. Not homophobic, but judgmental. Ah. His vibe, it felt sexual. I feel like I could have got laid. OK. I feel like I could have been like, what do you say before we clean, we make a little mess of our own? We mess the bed up a little bit. Oh, I like it. We can clean up the jizz, I'll tell you that. Well, because he was kind of looking at me in a way. And, you know, these gays are quite promiscuous, obviously. That's what I've heard, the steam room. So, I don't know. I feel like I could have made love to this man. I mean, I wasn't that interested in doing it. I don't know if you want to. It'll take four hours, according to this guy. He'll be done. He'll be shirtless and then done by 430. You'll be here four hours. You go home now. You want laundry. But anyway, so my house, I can't wait to get home. I'm like, I'm pumped. Uh-oh. Is that the cream of some? Young guy? I don't know what happened. My baby spills on me and so does my father. I see. But, so, I'm very excited to go home and see it. And maybe I'll recommend it. It's happening right now. Oh, my God. Well, this is the other thing. So, we're all out of the house. We have a two-year-old child. We're just, like, roaming the streets like hobos. Of course. What do you do for six hours? That is crazy. I mean, we've got to put a time stamp on this guy, a limit. Well, I told Karen, I'm like, yeah. She's like, how'd it go? How's the house look? And I was like, he said he's not going to be done until 430. And she's like, what? I've never heard of that. to that but this is deep cleaning and i think it's first impression he wants to really show us what he's got he's gonna sniff all your panties and everything he's taking home a baby diaper i'm okay with that i want my panties sniffed yeah why not my wife's panties whatever sure the ones i laid out for you but uh yeah wow that's because i've i like what i like about this guy is i've had the cleaning lady before you get once every blue moon and you're uncomfortable she's there you got a small talk and then you're like trying to get into the silverware drawer and she's doing a you know a whole thing by the the sink and you can't relax yeah i didn't know you could leave i thought that i don't know maybe it's from my childhood or something i thought like it feels like my family would be like you're leaving a stranger in the house of course of course yeah it's like that uh arty lang thing where he'd get a bunch of hookers in the hotel room and then he'd go i gotta pee you guys have to clap so i know you're not stealing oh wow they would make them clap the whole time so they would uh he would know they were busy and they weren't putting their pockets but i feel like you still go yeah like push-ups yeah exactly i also couldn't if people were clapping anywhere within 100 miles i wouldn't be able to piss i can't piss if uh a mouse farts i think if you got eight hookers there you're all on blow you're the pissing is the least of your problems i suppose so it's kind of like american gangster they all have to be nude so they can't steal the heroin the heroin when they're making it yeah those are great scenes in a movie where you're like oh just tits i miss tits well rupert's here luckily get that shirt off i really do i miss tits i miss seeing tits i'm talking in film and on women obviously i see my wife's tits all the time and they're great i mean i'm never upset to see them but i want to turn on a program and see a pair of tits well when you're married any sign of a tit or in the distance it's like a mirage but this is how sad i am these fat portland hipsters they're doing a uh no king's protest on the bicycles they all look like rupert but i'm like look at the yams on fat whore over there and that's how desperate i am i'm like okay that guy's balls are in the way they're all on bicycles in the rain but that hippo has got a couple of nips on her we should really go to a titty bar have ourselves a nice time it's a it hits different as the kids say when you're married maybe we bring a uh sam or somebody you know or another person he's getting laid he's a good point yeah veder's got three kids he needs a tit bar he's got that great joke people like you know how expensive it's gonna be to go anywhere he's like we're not going anywhere something like that um but anyways we gotta get into the shit i haven't seen you since 1978 i was in la six months ago i was on a crew i went on the big cruise cruise yeah the cruise what you know i went on the cruise wait a she went away with her husband yeah i did atlantic norwegian virgin oh boy he hates your mother yeah we all do uh no the turner classic movies cruise remember come on you know the movie yes we made jokes how does this go is there going with the wind playing is it casablanca yeah it's kind of like that but uh so yeah i've been on a cruise in la but you went over to uh iraq kuwait north korea oh yeah i saw action i got shot i mean i've seen it all i i i got a lot to get into please now first of all i went to europe as well but we got a saga here okay i need the saga give me the saga genesis yes exactly so the night before or the day before riyadh me and my buddy eric man started a company where you sell comedy vinyls right we'd love to get you involved yes so you just gotta so i have to go he's selling my vinyls like hotcakes but you gotta sign them that's the key signals yes sign language so he lives in jersey about hour and change away and i go all right what's that mean he goes well you gotta come by and sign about a thousand albums and i go i'm flying to riyadh tomorrow it's a whole thing and he goes just get over here sign them you'll never see me again we'll be good to go you'll make a bunch of money and i go all right i'll take the beamer so i get the beamer going it's a little uh hiccupy makes sense i wish someone had told you to get a car i know you know well like a dependable car a honda civic a little uh whatever the thing yeah i love this car but also i should tell you the fuel gauge is like it's like michael j fox's wrist it's just like you can't i don't know what i'm full or i'm empty it's like my cleaner's wrist hello so uh the gay boy's never not funny car is not for doing things i can't tell you jerry get a fucking uh dodge neon or whatever i'd kill for a neon a dart uh focus get some kind of bullshit yeah buy it with cash for god's sake i know i know i can get one of those minis and just pull it right up on the flower bed up here yeah ruper you drive one of those don't you yeah uh so i'll take the beamer i haul ass out there with traffic it's about two hours oh boy and i go uh you know the gas gauge is really floppy like i think i got some gas in there so i fill it up on the gas gauge and i go up on the way out you know i get to jersey i put some gas in i fill all the way up get to my eric man's house i get in he's there with his dad his brother and his mom and they're just like it's like a conveyor belt or what do you got assembly line yes both work i'm signing i'm signing i sign i hand it off another guy hands me the thing i sign it i hand it off and we we knock it all out we did like 800 of them and i go i gotta get back i'm flying to riyadh tomorrow get out of my face i got spots tonight so i jump back in the car starts right up no more traffic i'm flying back to new york i get a weird smell oh like like an old panty in the winter just what the hell is that that is kooky i've never smelled that smell that can't be good and i'm on the the turnpike and i'm like whoo that stinks it's just you just me hauling ass back i felt good about myself i did the signing i went out to jersey i got the beamer weird smell all of a sudden gas gauge doing this and then just goes it doesn't even hit e it just dies it just goes all the way down to hell off the chart tilt and i just go stops highway whizzing whizzing jerry oh boy so i go oh this is bad i am in the middle of hell and uh i go all right let me just pray to god here i gotta start it again i got a toll booth a hundred feet away oh it starts again it starts again so i just gun it and i get to the toll booth and i go my car's gonna die where's the nearest gas station he goes it's not bad it's like a five minute drive that way i go okay i just throw a 10 at him and i put it back in gear and i go and it just dies i'm stuck in the toll oh my god i'm literally in the toll booth i'm just talking to this guy willy yes and i go what the hell do i do he goes well you got to get out of the toll booth and i'm like it's dead and he goes you got to get out of here this is like a government thing right you know so i'm like okay so i get out and i push it out of the toll booth and i kind of no power steering jerk the wheel and i'm just on the end of the highway on the shoulder next to the toll booth so you're pushing from the driver's seat with the door open yes like with the steering wheel and exactly oh my god it's a little car it's a light beamer that helps yeah so i get it off to the side i try again i try again and i go back to the toll booth i'm like can you radio a guy and he's like i'm a toll booth guy right i don't do anything what's your phone you don't have triple a or triple gay i don't have triple a i have insurance i don't have registration i don't have a condom i got nothing i don't have seat belts on that thing so i look up the nearest gas station and it's a 21 minute walk and i go all right that's that's doable so i walk to the gas station i just leave the car there and i go who's gonna steal it doesn't run good point hi folks tuesdays with stories brought to you by skims boys you might not hear this often but you deserve comfort so start with your undies skims has come with a line of underwear for the boys and it's just as comfortable as you want it want it would be what and it's just as comfortable as you want it would be some of these people need to work on their writing i had this with the regs too oh well anyway skims is as comfortable as you want it would be they've got briefs boxer briefs knit boxers and trunks so you know longer have to give up movement for style folks skims is uh it's an underwear all right they got skim milk and they got underwear skims is good underwear they sent us some underwear right yeah it's good stuff it's glossy and shiny and sexy it's nice underwear they even come in three and five packs so you can stock up buddy boy save on trips to the laundromat and get the 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Dude, I love Shopify. I would not know how to ride a bike if I didn't have Shopify. Every morning I wake up, the first thing I do, I reach my phone and I go to Shopify.com. Because what else would I do? You're useless without it. If I don't have Shopify, I don't want to live. Get ready for a boom in your business. Turn your big business idea into, cha-ching, with Shopify on your side. Sign up for your $1 per month trial and start selling today at Shopify.com slash Tuesdays. Go to Shopify.com slash Tuesdays one more time. That's Shopify.com slash Tuesdays. So I go walk to the gas station, 20 minutes, buy the gas can, fill it up, walk back in the sun, Riyadh tomorrow. The sun. It's sunny. Oh, I thought it was like 9 p.m. No. I have the wrong image. I'm thinking it's nighttime. I got spots done at night. I got to get back. Oh, okay, okay. And so I'm texting Salak. He's like, how about this bit? And I'm like, I'm on the highway. I can't talk. And he's like, what? Tell me everything. And I'm like, I got to go. So whatever. So I fill the car up with gas. I get two gallons of gas in there. Rar, rar, rar. Still won't start. I'm like, huh. I wonder why. So I Google it, and it says, you might just need more gas. Because it's got to get through there. It's just sitting in the tank. So I go, fuck. So I walk back again. The 20 minutes. I fill it up. And I walk back. And a guy pulls over. And he goes, hey, man. You all right? I'm walking. And I go, yeah, yeah. My car broke down. And he goes, really? Oh, boy. What kind of car you got there? And I go, I got an old Beamer, 50 years old. He goes, I'm a car guy. Let me take a look at it. Really? And I go, OK. So he goes, jump in the car. We'll go to your car. And I go, OK. And I go, OK. And I'm like, OK. So we go back to my car. And I put the gas in. He's like, fucking with it. He's like, yeah, something's off here. And he's like, this is beyond gas. He's like, it stinks. Something's going on here. And I go, huh, all right. And he goes, all right, I'll see you later. And he leaves. I have so many questions about all of this. Please. Now, are you jogging at all? Is it 20 minutes there and back? Because that's 80 minutes we're talking. And I'm on the side of the highway. So I'm like, jogging. I have to go down the exit. I'm running down an exit. Wow, you're that guy. I'm that guy. And you're a celebrity to some. Some sugar. I mean, that's pretty wild. D, D, E, list. It'd be like if I saw fucking Mark Ruffalo running down the highway. Wow, let's not go that high. Yeah. In a different mark and a different caliber. And you're less retarded than him. That's true. He stinks. Same hair. Anyways, that's crazy. And then so when you get in the car, you're chatting with the guy. How long of a ride is it with this guy? That's like a five-minute ride. Because it's a five-minute ride. Because it's a 20-minute walk. And he just does this out of the goodness of his heart. Yeah, well, you're out in Jersey, so it's normal people. It's not these selfish cunts who live in New York, you know? Oh, boy, your mom heard that. Oh, jeez. Your mom just heard you say the same word. Duh. Selfish runts. Also, New Jersey does have the nicest people I've ever met in my life. You got that right, Fatty. You ain't lying. Class act people over there. Good eggs, real salt of the earth, just regular old honkies. Yeah, people love to help over there. I get the second tank in, or whatever you call it, the second gas can. Sure. So now I got four gallons in this fucker. I start, it starts. Okay. And I go, oh, my God, I'm going to make it. I'm going to make it back home. And I get up the hill, and I see the exit. The exit I've been walking down twice for two hours. I see the exit, and it dies right on top. And I go, no, no. But you can go neutral and roll down there. I go neutral, but I'm stuck at the plateau. So I've already lost. I've just got, eh. And so I got out, and I pushed it, and it starts taking off. So I run next to it. I jump in the driver's seat, and I'm just, you know, yanking the wheel. I'm Batman. It's like Little Miss Sunshine. Yes. You know, so I do some heroin, and I got this kid here. No, so I pull it off to the shoulder, and now I'm down on the road. I've gotten off the exit. Okay. So I pull it off the road, and I go, ah, what am I going to do? I look under the car, soaking wet. Oh, boy. You're leaking the gas. I'm leaking the gas. So I sit there, and I pop the hood. You pretend to know what you're doing. A guy comes by again, different guy. And he goes, younger guy, nice guy. He goes, what's up, man? I go, ah, car ran out of gas. I'm embarrassed. I'm gay. And he goes, huh, I have a hitch. I could tow your car somewhere. And I go, yeah, that's not bad, but where's it going to go? You know? Well, a mechanic. I guess. I guess. And I was like, all right, all right, let's do it. Because I'm so desperate. So he goes, all right, let me go home and get it. I'll come back. Hang here. And I go, yeah, where am I going? So he leaves. This is insane. Now I'm just sitting with the car, just wanting to kill myself. I'm picking daisies. Is your phone charged, at least? Barely. Okay. So then another guy comes by, Hispanic guy, thick accent. And he goes, let me take a look. I look under the hood. And he goes, there's your problem. The hose that connects the gas tank to the engine is undone. Oh. And he's like, you could plop it back in there, but right when you start the car, it's going to plop out again. Right. What about the gum? Can't you chew up gum and stick it in the hole and shove the hose in? I guess, but it's still a two-hour drive back or an hour and a half. Oh, boy. So it's too long. So I go, ah, I'm just going to wait for this guy with the tow thing. So this guy comes back, sweet guy, puts the. Cranks it up, puts it on there, puts those weird things around the wheels. I have to push it up onto the trailer. This is a good Samaritan. Just a great guy. I get in the car, and he goes, gobbity. And I go, ah! Okay. I knew there had to be something here. Something was going on. Yeah, that's just crazy. So now I'm like, oh, my God, you saved my life. I'm so desperate. You know when someone gives you a handout in the middle of the worst part of your life, you want to blow the guy. It blows your mind. Yeah. You can't believe it. You can't believe anyone can be so nice, because you're like, you could easily drive by. It's so easy to drive by. I would have driven by. Sure. But this really opened my eyes. I was like, I'm going to start being more like this. I'm going to change. I'm not going to Riyadh. You know? So I really made some changes. And he goes, here's what I can do for you. I can bring this car to my house, and then you can have a guy come get it. And I know a guy who's a mechanic, and I called him, and he said, that's fine. I live in Jersey. I'll go get it on Monday. And I said, great. So we go to this guy's house. He puts the car in his lawn. I have dinner with his mom. Oh. I know. It was weird. But she was super nice. Just like a classic Jersey lady. She was like the lady from The Sopranos. I walk in. She's like, who are you? I'm like, my car broke down. Your son's a saint. She goes, he's OK. She's chopping up vegetables. And she's like, you want chicken? I go, sure. And we're eating chicken. And then I go, I got to go. And I got an Uber for $200, got back to the city, went straight to New York Comedy Club. Wow. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. So the car is out there. The car is still in New Jersey? That was like a month ago. It's still in New Jersey, but it's being worked on. How long does it take to fix a hose? Well, the guy, he's like Brad Garrett in Seinfeld, my friend. He's like, I love this car. You don't take care of this car. Let me do some work on it. I go, do whatever you want. So he's out there. He's like the guy I got at my house right now. Yes. Yes. Exactly. He's like, I work shirtless, so don't come over. I'll be done at 430. Yeah. Yeah. He's a big gay. His name's Andrew. He's a great guy. That-a-way Andrew. So he's out there working on the car, wrenching away, and fixing hoses, and roads before hoes. So you had to take an Uber all the way back. All the way back. Sat in traffic. Took like, you know, two hours and change, 200 bucks, but I made it. Just buy a car. I could have bought one for 200. Buy a car. Put a car. See, you got a child. You got road trips. Your mother's in, or whatever the fuck her name is. Your wife is in Massachusetts, from Massachusetts. Sure. Get a little car. I know, but then you got to house it, Jerry. I know. You can house it. You can house. Where do you house? Houston Street, folks. No, no. I got a garage. It's not cheap, but it's over there. It's a walk. And I got in and out access, 24 hours a day. Woo! That's good. Pretty good. I keep mine at the Barclays, or the Atlantic. New York is such a nightmare. Anyone that's not from New York hears your, they're like, what is it? I know. You pay $400 a month to have your car four blocks away. I know, exactly. And you got to wind down a thing. It takes me a half an hour to get it out. Yeah. Yeah, I know. It's a great Dane Cook joke. That's a great joke. He's like, I'm packing up. It's brutal. It really is. They go, I parked my car in my driveway. It's my car. Why would I pay to put it somewhere? And you're like, I know, I know. It's New York. No, we used to come back from a long flight. By the way, how about this? I'm all over the place, but I'll just give you this one nugget of a story. Give me the nugget. Dip it. I come back from the cruise, Florida, and you know, you have a kid now. It's like, you have the Duna. The Duna is a stroller that turns into a car seat. Yes. And vice versa. It's the best thing ever. It's unbelievable. We took it to Greece. Once they're over that, though, then you just have to have a car seat and a stroller or whatever. Ah, is that right? So you can take the baby on a lift, with a lift, but you've got to hold the baby in your lap. Right. Which, it's illegal. You're putting the driver in danger. You're putting the kid in danger. And it's not like back roads to the airport. Sure. You've got to take the fucking Long Island Expressway. Oh, yeah. So I'm like, well, I'll just drive the car, park it at the airport. And you're supposed to book a spot ahead of time, but I forgot it was a last minute decision. I drive the car to the airport. That way he's in a car seat. We're not breaking the law. He's safe. I feel good. It'll just be there when we get off. That's true. Get back from the trip. I get in, get in the car. It says, ticket not reading. Problem with the ticket. It's after the cruise. After the cruise. And you know how it is to travel. It's like you got to, it's a flight. It's a shuttle, a rental to the shuttle, to the monorail, to the security, to the flight, to the lock, to the pickup things. And the whole time I'm carrying a 40-pound baby. We get to the fucking arm of the parking garage. Ticket not working. Fuck you. Press help for help. Help. Oh, I need the help. Yo, what is it? Hi, it says my ticket. Yo, what is the problem? I'll fucking, yep. Yep. Okay, well, the ticket, and I got my card here. I don't know. I'm gay. I live here. I want to leave, please. Right. Yeah, what's up? Okay, what's up? What is it? Jack in the box. He goes, okay, your total's on the screen. Just pay when you want. $748. Yeah! How about that? I go, excuse me, is this the price, or is this Rupert's scale? I go, what the fuck? $700. That's the park. $748. I could have flown first class to Orlando and gotten two strippers to blow my father. I'm voting for Zoran. That's it. $748. Oh, my God. And this is at the end of a vacation. What the hell was that? That was Greg. Oh. He's signing Greg the cat. But this is at the end of a trip, and also, you know, you go on a cruise, and it's like, you got dinner, you got to tip the chambermaid, tip the chambermaiden, you got to rent a car, this, that, the other thing. What the hell's a chambermaid? And you go back, you're like, all right, let me just get back to my life. Here we go. Yes, I made it home. I'm done. And I go, $748. And then, it's like the guy was mad at me. Like, I'm going to pay. I'm not trying to fight. I go, $780. He goes, yeah, sir, you came in last Tuesday. It's Tuesday now. It's $89 a day plus taxes. If you book it ahead of time, you get a discount, OK? So that's the price. And I'm like, why are you yelling at me? Right, right. And so you just got to go, boo. And my card, of course, is like, the bank is calling me. They're emailing me. Like, a fucking pigeon with a letter showed up. They're like, someone stole your card, obviously. Smoke signal. So I had to use my wife's platinum dildo. Whatever. I had to use her cards. It's going on her thing. Damn. I'll pay her back, obviously. But you're just like, $700? That's what people pay in rent. And there's nothing you can do about it. The arm is closed. Like, you can't just be like, like, you know, almost famous. But my whole feed is people fist fighting at the airport and fights on buses and McDonald's. And you go, that's why. Because everybody's just sick and headed up to here, Jerry, with all the queefs and the quaffs. And we just got to, we can't pay $700 to park. $800. $800. And I could have taken a. I could have taken a $60 lift. But I was like, well, let me be safe. It'll be easier. It'll be convenient. But I would have rather that my kid flown through a windshield than pay $800 to park. Sure. I'd like to see that. That's a Texas abortion. I forgot to get a water. Damn. I can't go back up there. Ball walker. But anyways, yeah. So that was a fucking kick in the tits. Let me text my mom and tell her to bring you a water. No, please. Just kidding. What are you kidding me? Maybe I'll have Rupert go to the sink and fill it. Well, it's all right. I don't need water. It's 30 minutes. Come on. He can't walk by a fridge. Too risky. OK. We'll never see him again. But then you made it back. I made it back. Let's get into Riyadh. People want to hear about Ritard. That was the night before Riyadh. That's crazy. Yeah. That's controversial. So I'm just going to paint the whole Riyadh picture. Let everybody know what they're trashing, what they're shitting on, what they're talking about. Yeah. I've talked to Louie and Santino. And they made it sound like this was the greatest night of their lives. I know. Nobody wants to hear it. But I'm just going to give you the whole what for. Give it to me. So what is it? Give this a go. I think it was like an 18-hour flight. It wasn't pretty. Is it direct to Saudi Arabia? No. I had to stop in Istanbul. Oh, up in there. Oh, yeah. Hell of an airport. Very big. I think it's like an 11 and a half hour flight, if I remember correctly. Is that it? I think so. Well, with the layover, it didn't help. It didn't make it shorter. I can't remember. But I thought that's what it was. Something like that. Well, here's the question. Rupert's good. It's like 15 hours. OK. 15. Damn. Now, here's the question. I had a direct economy flight and a first-class flight with a layover. What do you take? First-class layover. That's what I did. No question about it. The layover is nice at that point. Why? You can get off the plane and stretch out a little bit. Yeah, but if you got the bed, you're already stretched. I suppose so. But I mean, I'm just expressing that both first-class, no matter what, even if I had three layovers. Yeah. But if you got first-class, you're like, oh, you can get off the plane for a little bit. No sweat. Well, that's what I thought. No sweat. It's funny you say that, because I had the shortest window on the planet. I mean, I had to get from the one end of the Istanbul airport, which is in Istanbul. So I'm like, what the fuck is going on? It's all Greek to me. I go all the way. I got luggage. I'm wearing a jacket. I'm wearing jeans, a sweater. I'm hauling ass. I'm hauling ass. I'm sweating. I'm sweating. I'm trying to make it. The clock. Which way is Z, B, D, terminal 4, 6, 8? I finally make it. I run right on the plane. I'm covered in sweat. I take my jacket off. I have the worst BO, because I never showered from the car breakdown. I can't imagine it's the worst BO they've had on that plane. Well, that's what I said. I was so embarrassed that I look around. I go, all right, I'm on this with a bunch of Middle Eastern Muslims. Good place to have BO. So that was cool. So then I finally get there. I'm wonky. I land at 1 PM. I get off. I get off the plane. Riyadh Airport. Not great. Oh, really? I thought it was going to be jewels and golden toilets. And it's smelly people and donkeys. No shit. Yeah, I thought it would have been a castle with whatever. Yeah, you'd think. Yeah, oil. But no, I don't think the prince has been to this airport. I'll just say that. So you get to the airport. It's dingy. Women are crying. Yeah, I couldn't see their faces, but I heard them. And then I go, all right, I'm so tired. I got to get an Uber to the hotel. Well, they don't have Uber there. They don't have a guy? They don't have Uber. Well, I was like, this is Middle East. I don't understand. This festival doesn't have someone to pick you up? Well, they did, but I didn't know that. Oh, because I'm like, you're getting your life threatened in the States and there. I know. The least they can do is pick you up on a horse or something. It'd be nice. Yeah, give me a Sherpa, something, a magic carpet. So I go, ah, where's Uber? We don't have Uber here. Holla, la, la, la. And I was like, goddammit, all right, shit. So I'm like, I don't know. I just thought that was their thing. Everyone here is Middle Eastern on an Uber. That's a great point. Thank you. Yeah, half my drivers are Saudi. Exactly. Why aren't they driving over there? Right. It's like going to Germany and not having to train. All right. But so finally, I go, let me check the itinerary. It says like, Hubba Duba is going to pick you up. And I go, oh, OK. So I see a guy with a curvy sword. I go, that must be him. And he goes, hello. This guy's name is Ishmael. Ishmael. We have an Ishmael friend. That's right. And he goes, I am your. Your hero, your savior, your confidant, whatever you need. He's kissing my feet. This guy is like putting rose petals. I felt like the king of Zamunda. Who's Zamunda? That was Trading Places. Oh. No, Coming to America. Coming to America. Yeah. The devils. Which he will not be doing. But so I jump in a black SUV. This guy's like, whatever you need, I got you. And he's super nice, super friendly. Does he sound like that? No, no. What's that? No, no, no. He sounds like a cartoon character. He sounds like a cartoon character in a racist cartoon. Gotcha. And he's like, you know, I got the guy driving. And then he's got the headscarf and the whole thing. He's like, whatever you need, brother, we love having you. We're such a big fan. We love comedy. And I'm like, OK. The whole time you're like, are they going to take me to a bunker and decapitate me? That's what I was worried about, leaning out of decapitate. Yeah. So I'm like, OK, here we go. Let's see what happens. So we drive an hour through the desert. And I'm like, here it comes. I'm going right to the hurt log. I'm going right to the hurt log, sucker. And we get to the Mandarin Oriental. Ha-da-ya! Yes, exactly. Oriental? You can't say that. Wasn't that in the rules? You can't say Oriental? Well, over there, they got them in houses. So we go to the mayor. And it's a very nice hotel. Now, this is when it gets weird. I go, I just need to sleep. And I'll do whatever you guys want. I'll blow you. I'll give you the codes, the rockets, whatever you need. And the guy goes, just hold these flowers and take a photo in front of the sign. And I was like, OK. Which felt very weird. But he's like, Bobby Lee did it. Santino did it. I was like, all right, all right. As long as everyone else did it. Because you don't want to be the guy going, Riyad, here's me with flowers. I don't want to be the face of Riyad. Sure. So everyone else did it, apparently. So I did it. And then I go, OK. And he goes, I'll be back at 6 PM. You got a show at 7 or 8. I go, OK, great. So I slept for five hours, woke up, showered, got that gasoline smell off me, finally. And I go downstairs. They pick me up. They go, brother, we love having you. Oh, my god. We get in the car. We drive an hour. I see the city. The city's crazy. It's just like poverty, giant skyscraper, poverty, picture of a prince guy, poverty, skyscraper, Dunkin' Donuts. Really? Yeah. No kidding. Dunk's made it. Wow. All the way from Quincy, Massachusetts. I know. Blood money. How about that? There you go. Started in Quincy, is in Riyad. Riyad, baby. How about that? Riyad couple. Hey, hey, folks. Two-Hit Stories brought to you by Chubbies. I love the Chub. You shouldn't. You should have bought new clothes for the season ahead. Thankfully, Chubby's is here to make sure your full wardrobe hits harder than a linebacker who hasn't heard of CTE. With soft, stretchy fall staples built for maximum comfort, Chubby's fall collection is packed with cozy gear that brings the heat. I really do love Chubby's. I have a jean jacket by them with the fur on the collar, all my shirts, polos, most of my shorts, all my bathing suits, all Chubby's, and they make great long pants. You watch my comedy videos on Instagram. I'm wearing Chubby's the whole time. 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That's drinkag1.com slash Tuesdays. Thank you. Back to the show. So I get to this big complex with an arena attached, a couple theaters, and a couple little theaters. And I'm in the 800-seater. Now we're sold out. And, ooh, I'm going to fuck this name up. Give this a go. Comic. Christina Mariana. That's not bad. Mariano. Mariana? Man or woman? Woman. Christina. That's what I thought. But then you said Mariano. She's a comic in Austin. She's really funny. She's like a one-liner gal, kind of deadpan. Oh, I thought it was going to be like the Saudi prince. Mariani. No, Christina Mariani. Christina Mariani. Check her out. Really funny. I did not expect that. I didn't expect you to name a white Texas comedian. Yes. That's Sean Murphy. That's her. And she's opening, which I was like, OK. And I barely know this woman. And she's very nice and cool. We've met before. But when you're in Saudi Arabia and you see another comedian, I'm like, ah. I bet. You know, it's a white person. It's a comedian. It's an American. It's just, oh, my god. He touched my leg. Yeah. So I get to my green room. They go, hey, she's in the other room. I go, oh, my god. I got to go talk to her. She's in there with her boyfriend or something. We start talking. Yeah. Gross. What are you going to do? I was waiting for a child bride, by the way. Also, I saw women driving. I was like, this place has gone to shit. How about that? Yeah. That a way, ladies. So then Bjorn shows up. Bjorn Wendland? Bjorn is my point man. What? I know. That's crazy. Our old manager. People don't know Bjorn. That's how we know each other. I know. Sort of. He lives in London now. He's a Canadian cat. He looks Swedish. It's very surreal. And he's in Riyadh. Yes. That's crazy. I mean, we go way back through that. I mean, he's like an integral part of our friendship, whatever integral means. Yeah, yeah. I'm still waiting for you to show up at that St. Patrick's Day bar. Yeah, yeah. That was horrible. My car broke down. I ran out of gas. Mark's coming. I'm like, oh, yeah. He'll be here. Oh, yeah. Boy, did I learn about you that day. Buddy got us that gig emceeing for Joe DeRosa. That's true. Yeah. Yeah. In Sacramento. I think we shared a hotel room. Sure did. So, yeah, Riyadh, Bjorn shows up, and he's like, don't worry. I got you. They're trying to get you to do a bunch of interviews and TV stuff. I told him no, and I was like, thank God you are here. I've never been so happy to see Bjorn. Wow. And they kept coming in and being like, we have candy for you. He's like, we don't want any candy. And then they'd be like, OK, we have tea. And he's like, no tea. And they kept this from happening like 14 times. Wow. And they're like, we want you to sample some of our dates. They love it. They love their dates. You know, like the food. Yeah. Date rape. That's what they kept doing to me. And I was like, we're good on the dates. And he's like, do you want to do a TV interview? We have a camera out here. And he was like, no interview. And he would close the door. Yeah, no way. And I would have done all of it if he wasn't there, because I can't say no. Thank God for Bjorn. I know. Bjorn again Christian. Yeah. Still Bjorn. So she goes out, Christina, and does great. And I was like, OK. I've never been this nervous. They gave me a list of shit, what to say, what not to say. And I go, OK. Are you doing an hour? I'm doing an hour. Oh. Sold out. I look out. It's a perfectly lit crowd. Everyone's wearing the Tajiki, the what do you call it, the burka. It's a sauce, I think. Tajiki sauce. Tajiki, Bill Burka. I mean, everyone's covered. And so you're like, well, this is going to be weird. It's kind of like COVID with the masks. Oh, yeah, yeah. Are they honking horns? So I'm like, here we go. And I just did my act. And I did every joke. I wasn't supposed to do. Oh, really? Because you know when you're in the pocket, you're like, I'm just doing my act on autopilot. Sure. And they said, don't talk about gay. Don't talk about the government. Don't talk about their religion. I went in. I drew a picture of Muhammad. I mean, I went all in. I did everything. I would love it if a fucking bullet just came through here. Wow. And were they laughing? Was it going well? This was the hottest crowd on the planet. That's what I heard. That's what Santino said. I mean, I couldn't do no wrong. I go, I got a Muslim joke. And they go, do it. Fucking do it, pussy. Yeah. And I was like, OK. And I did a whole joke about stoning women. And they were like, ah, we love it. And they hit a woman. Are there women there? Yeah, it was women there. Wow. It was insane. The whole thing was surreal. And you keep waiting. Like you said, I was like, here it comes. You know, I'm going to get Charlie Kirk down here. But no, it couldn't have been hotter. Standing ovation, high fives. I felt like Chappelle and killing him softly. I'm like dapping people in the front row. Right, doing the worm across the. Yeah, crowd surfing. And Charlie don't surf, but best show of my life. And then they go, we want to take you out. And I go, I'm good. And Russell Peters is down the hall. Oh, OK. I was wondering if there was other comics there. He's in the big room. He's a big deal over there. That makes sense. So they go, hang out in Russell's room. He's got the rider. And I go, oh, really? He had three buckets of KFC, two boxes of Shake Shack, all the candy he could want. And this British guy who's running the whole fest, he comes up, he goes, I have. I have to lose, which is like a very under the table thing over there, because it's illegal. So I go, oh, I'd love a scotch. So I'm sipping scotch under the table. I'm talking to Russell Peters. He was super nice. He apologized for not passing me in a last comic standing. He said, Roseanne didn't like you. I liked you. I was like, hey, that was 20 years ago. It's all good. But I'm telling you, Jerry, when you see an American comedian, you're like, you're my best friend. Of course. It's like a foxhole. Yeah, I mean, I can't imagine-- it must have been such a weird feeling, because you're not showing up with the comics. You feel so isolated over there. Yes. It's such a stranger in a strange land. Yes. And everyone's on their own. Like, I love Santino. I love Bobby Lee. I love-- Sam is over there. But they're all different. And everyone's worried about themselves. Now, did you ever see Sam there? No, he was there three days, four days after. I got in. I left at 1:30 in the morning. Because that's what's so weird about it is I was with Santino in LA. And he had already been back long enough to do a podcast at 11 o'clock in the morning. Exactly. And you hadn't even-- I hadn't even shown up yet. Exactly. And then I had dinner with Louie. And he was, like, still a week and a half from going. Wow. And I was like, Santino was back. And Louie hadn't gone. And you were on your way. So the whole thing was topsy-turvy. And then Sam was after me. Yeah, it's a kooky banana. But you had Louie-- he did Marr. I had dinner with Louie the night before he did Marr. Wow. Which was crazy, because he was like, should I talk about this or should I talk about that? And it was crazy. We went to the-- what's that restaurant? Chateau-- Chateau Marmont. Whoa! The hotel where John Belushi died, which if you ever get a chance to go there-- Beautiful restaurant. It's fucking-- Lunch. --beautiful and awesome. And the women, you just can't even fathom what these people look like. I mean, you watch Fox News. It's like, LA's on fire, mudslides, hurricanes, Malibu. And then you go there, and you're like, that's the hottest chick I've ever seen in my life. And the birds are chirping, and the sun is shining. It was unbelievable. It was so cool. And you feel like-- it was funny, too, because I'm walking through the restaurant. Of course, in LA, you're always looking for celebrities, especially at the Chateau. which is like a big celebrity. Celebrity haunt. Haunt. And I walk around, I'm like, all right, I've got to look at everyone in the face. That's how you find celebrities. You've got to look at everyone. And then I realize, I'm with a celebrity. I'm walking in with the biggest celebrity in there. He's just ugly. That's the problem. Yeah. But everyone else was hot and exciting. And then you're like, is that Gene Hackman? No. Is that Gary Sinise? He died. No. Is that Ace Frehley? Exactly. It's very exciting, but yeah, LA was fucking crazy. So I mentioned this a couple episodes ago. Oh, you're undone here. Oh, fuck me hard. Well, I'm at 46%. Oh, yeah, get some more juice there. You saw they took the juice box out of the TikTok? I don't know what that means. You're speaking a different language. Juice box was the code for Jews. Oh. They put a little juice box. I'd be like, the juice box killed Jesus. And they got wise to it, and they got rid of it. No kidding. Oh, you're all kidding. You're all conked out again. Hold on. Oh, there we go. I'm back. Hey, we're back. Well, any farts. So LA, so the episode. Gone again. Fuck off. Time to go on again. Fuck you. I think you got a bad hook. I know, I know. My phone's two years old. I need a new phone. It fucking pisses me off. I'll figure it out after. You want to try the black? Yeah, let me get the black. Bad ticker. There you go. See if you can stick that in there, would you? That one's a little funky, too, so maybe they'll cancel each other out. All right. Did it go? Uh, no. Give it a flip-a-roo. You got to play with it. Tickle the clip. I got a piece of shit phone thing. Click the S. This is bad television. Sorry. Don't worry about it. At least I'm at 46%. What do you got now? Did it work? It says it's connected. Okay. All right. Don't touch it. Don't touch. It's like a strip club. Anyway, so the episode, I referenced, you know, getting rid of my manager. I wasn't getting rid of. But, you know, you know. Firing. We went our separate ways. All right. So this episode comes out on Tuesday. I arrive in L.A. Wednesday morning. Whoa, the word is out. So I get in my rental car, and it's. Show business 310-fucking-818-212. Hey, this is Russell Dowripple. This is Peter Bogdanovich. This is Russell Crowe. Harvey Weinstein. Calling. My agent calls. He goes, hey, we got WME, HIV, fucking JK, LOL. Everyone's coming. You know, NWA is coming. And REM is coming. Don't let EZE come on you. Every management company you ever heard of is coming to my show. So now I'm going to Irvine. And you know me. I have very low self-worth. I hate myself. I'm a bag of shit. I want to kill myself. Low T. So. It feels not real or right that every manager. But you think everyone's hooked up, signed. I'm the biggest free agent there is. I'm A-Rod. Ace free agent. Not bad. All right. So it's crazy. They're all coming, Jerry. Yes. I don't know any of the names of the thing. Who are you with? Brillstein. Brillstein's coming. Woo! And Revenge. I don't even know the names. What are they called? What's it called? They all sound like X-Men to me. It's like Parliament. And Ray Gun. Oh, Range. Range. I don't know Range. Range is big. They got Shane and Soder. Oh, I don't even know Range. Range is the biggest. What are you, crazy? Shooting Range. You don't know Range? I know Range Rover. Oh, he's good. Come right over. Well, Range Rover came over, Land Rover, and Ford Taurus. Alec Baldwin crashed one recently. Is that right? A Range Rover. Oh, how about that? Boy, he's had a tough time. Yeah, I think he was loaded like the gun. Well, anyway, so it was very exciting. But now I'm going on the road. You know, you get away from the family. You're like, all right, I'm hitting the road. Here we go. But now I got every Tom, Dick, and asshole coming to see the show. Oh. And I'm doing it out. My act is nowhere. It's filthy. It's not nowhere. It's good, but it's not. Dialed in. Honed. Honed, Jerry. I still got to check. Oh, is this something? How about that? Right. And now you feel like you're auditioning for these managers. But they're coming to see me. They know me. But it's a shitty feeling. You just want to riff it up and have a good time. And now you've got to bring it. It's a different kind of thing. So as we all know now, my phone, I think it got sand or shit in the jack. But I refuse to just go get a new fucking phone. I'm the same way. I bought that one two years ago. It's two years old. Yeah. So you're like, I don't want to get a new phone. And I've tried the toothpick and the bullshit. I was going to say that. What about like that air shooter? Shoot that right up the pooper. I got one of those. But it's not. It's a good like, what's that called? It's a can with. Yes, the can. Yeah, I have cans. I just have like a little balloon knot with a string on it. It goes like. Oh, yeah, that's crap. It stinks. So maybe I'll have Rupert Fart in it or something. Sure, that'll melt that fucker. So my phone's a little fucked up. So this is a long tale. And it's not funny. But the gig is in Irvine. Oh, I love Irvine. Irvine Improv, which is a fucking killer room. You can literally drive. You can literally drive and hit a line into Orange County. And it's cleaner. And the road is smoother. It's awesome. It's crazy. So Irvine, you know, at night is like 45 minutes. But any other time of day, it's an hour and a half. So honestly, you have a hotel for the club in Irvine. Yes. So Wednesday, I stay in LA, Hotel Ziggy, have dinner at the Chateau Momol. Ooh, this is living. I went to Jay Moore's podcast, which was awesome. Oh, cool. It was great. Have you done that show? No, no. Well, he's amazing. I mean, he's just. He's blunted. He told me the whole time. He's so fucking funny. One of the funniest guys ever. Did he do Quinn or Norm? He did some Quinn. He did all the impressions. It was great. And just a great guy. First class. That was fun. I go there. I go straight to Hollywood, check into my hotel, sit there for five minutes, walk down the street, Chateau Momol, have dinner with Louie, go to bed. I'm exhausted. Could you imagine telling you at 15, you're going to have a Louie CK lunch at Momol? After Jay Moore. I'm like, who are you? I mean, Jerry Maguire, which I don't really love the film, but it was like a huge movie. And Jay Moore is like a critical part. Show me the money. Show me the more. And that's the whole thing. So anyway, that's his first movie, by the way. He was unbelievable in that movie. I'm telling you. I'm telling you. He's a talent. I've heard he's an odd kook, but he's a talent. He's got some great stories. I'll tell you that. I'll tell you a few after. So I go down. Then Thursday morning, I drive down to Irvine. And I'm podcasting the next day with Santino at like 1 p.m. So I got to drive Irvine back to L.A. Santino goes, hey, can you do the pod now? Can you move to 11 a.m.? Okay. So I'm like, all right. Well, now it's 11 a.m. I got to get up. Or maybe it was 10 a.m. So now I'm like, all right. Well, I wake up early, but the traffic is a nightmare. Rush hour. So I rebooked the Hotel Ziggy. So now I have my hotel in Irvine. I go to Irvine. I shower there before the show. Do the show. Management companies. Come. You got to talk to them. You glad hand them. This is a whirlwind, Jerry. Jump in my car. Drive back through the night. Hollywood nights. And it's so exciting because you're driving into Hollywood at night. Lights, mountains, the glitz, the glamour. I love L.A. I love L.A. So I get to Hotel Ziggy. I realize I left kind of quick. I made a last minute decision to go back to L.A. that night. Because I didn't want to deal with morning traffic. It's all because Santino, that pimple, he moved the time to early morning. Getting Ziggy with it. So I left my phone charger. I didn't bring a change of clothes. I just have a backpack with like a notebook, a pair of underwear, and a book. And I'm like, shit, I don't have a charger. Yeah. I got to wake up. I got to navigate around L.A. Yeah. Boy, you don't have a charger. It's like being in the desert without a compass. I mean, you feel completely lost. It's terrible. So then I'm like, I don't realize this until I'm at like 32%. Nice. And it's. You know, 10 p.m. So I'm like, all right, I got to batten down the hatches. I put it on airplane mode, low battery mode. I put a pillow over it. I came on it. It's like rations. You got to save it. You're fighting in the Everest. Well, now it's hard, too, because you just had a long night, car, everything. And people are texting you. Which management do you think? It was great to meet you. It was good to see you. Your wife texts you, whatever. And you want to watch porn. You want to look at your neighbor on Instagram. So you're like. Want to see the gay cleaner. So then I'm like, all right. So then, speaking of my neighbor, Karen Fian is in town, randomly. Okay, she's got a charger. I swear, it was random. So I tell her, can you bring a charger over? But she's got the, quote, new one, even though the phone is two years old. Ah, the new one. And everyone acts like I'm a fucking pilgrim. This guy. That's the newbie. Yeah, that's the new one. Yeah, I hate this guy. I got the old one. Me, too. The flat whatever. Flat earther. And people act like. You still have that charger? I know. This is the iTunes 14. It's only two iPhones ago. Exactly. I have an HD camera and 48,000 pounds of storage. Yes. Anyway, so I go, all right. She goes, let's work out. We'll do a workout class at 7.30 a.m. You fat piece of shit. And I go, all right, I'll work out. I'll keep the phone safe. She comes. She doesn't bring a charger. Oh, my word. And she goes, they'll have one at the desk. So I go to the desk at Equinox. I go, hey, can you get me a charger? No, they only have the new one Ah, whoa, whoa What is this? It's like you're walking around with a VCR. That's how I feel. They're like, you got that one? Jesus Christ. So I'm at 8%. It's like when people gave you shit about the vaccine. You know, you go, I got the Johnson & Johnson. They go, whoo-wee. What are you, gay? You're like, I don't know. That's what they gave me. Now they give you shit about any vaccine. You got vaccinated, you piece of shit. I'm like, I thought we were all doing it. What do you want me to do? I regret it. I'll be fine. OK. So anyways, I go take the workout class. I'm a sweaty mess. I go, OK, I'll see you later. Yeah. I got to get to Burbank, but I'm on 8% battery. And now I'm doing this thing. I'm like, all right, well, I can get myself to Burbank. I know the city well enough, but I don't know where he fucking lives or whatever. You can do that without a GP? Yeah, you get in the Hollywood Hills. You take a left. Boom, boom. That's impressive. Well, thank you. But I need to get there. So then across the street from Equinox, there's a FedEx store. Yes, yes, X. And I go, OK, I bet FedEx, they must sell chargers. I go into FedEx. Because that's my only option. Don't they have a bodega? I guess it's LA. Bodegas have the shitty ones. It's like a piece of shit, red one. Well, I go to FedEx like my cock. I go to FedEx. There's one lady. And now I'm running behind because I had to shower. I worked out. And I don't have directions. I got to go back to the house, get my car. It's valet. So it takes forever. So I'm like, I'll just run in, get a quick charger, put it in the car. I go in the FedEx store. There's one lady ahead of me. She's trying to overnight a package to India. Ah, Riyadh. And the lady goes. And the lady goes, yeah, OK. We can have it. And I'm just holding a charger. All I want to do is buy this $10 charger and be on my way. This lady's got a big box with bows on it and bullshit. Yes, can you do that ASAP? OK, we can get there Monday morning. Monday morning? Are you crazy? I need this there in the morning. It's India, you weirdo. And as Santino pointed out, it's already tomorrow. It's like a 16-hour flight and 14 hours ahead. I'm like, how do you think this is going to get there? Yeah, what are you, crazy? Is your face at Mecca? And she goes, is there anyone that does it faster? And the lady's like, I mean, we're FedEx. We're FedEx. She's like, you tried DHL. And I just want to go, are you out of your fucking mind? That's crazy. How would you think this would even be possible? Yeah. Unless there was a rocket going up Sunset Boulevard. Right, right. How the fuck is it going to get there, you coos? So they start arguing. And I kind of gave a look to the lady. And I'm like, do this. And she's like, let me take care of this gentleman. I'm like, thank you. OK, I love the take care. So I go, I just need this charger. I buy the charger. I get in the car. Here we go. I plug it in. Nothing. It falls out. It's just flimsy, floppy bullshit. Oh, you got the big vagina with the little dick. So it just sucks. It's just nothing. So I stick with 1%. I roll. I'm like you. I roll into the podcast studio on fumes, but battery. Battery fumes. Yeah, right. But you feel like your canteen is dry. I'm like, I'm fucked. So I do the podcast. I'm like, he'll have a thing. He better. He's got a couple, but the jack is all jacked. You got a bad jack, Jack. No good. It's a terrible jack. Nicholson. He's not so great himself. That's my point. So I plug it in. It doesn't work. Finally, I finish the podcast. I go to CVS. I buy a second fucking thing. OK. This one, I can get in. It's on my dashboard just right. I can't move. I get it up to like 9%. I put the car in reverse. It turns off. So I'm like, I got to get home. The other thing is, I did this workout class. So I'm covered in sweat. I'm so wet. I don't have a backup shirt. So I show up soaking wet with no phone. It's like LA has just destroyed me. Completely. So now I've bought two effing phone chargers. I forgot your brother's listening. So now I've bought two phone chargers. And we totally forgot. I forgot. I said cunt. He said coos. Oh, boy. So anyways, I bought two phone chargers. I finally make it all the way back down to LA. Now it's Friday night. I shower. And there's. There's three management companies all coming to watch the show. Oh, my God. And one guy's like, hey, can I come? Can we have a coffee after? And the other person's like, can we have dinner after? And then another company just came in the green room. So then they're all like, where is he? We came all the way down here. So now this is like the most awkward experience of my life. I got Luke Monas, the emcee, who's a nice boy, and three different management companies. And they each have like an intern and a secretary and another guy. So there's like nine people. It's like a gangbang. And you're the only woman. Yes, it's like a reverse Bukkake, like I always wanted. And I'm trying to like maintain eye contact with all of them. Oh, my Lord. And they're just openly fighting over you? Yes. And I just know me as like pick my nose and eat it from Conley School in 1986. I never ate my boogers. That's disgusting. But you know what I mean. I agree. But you're just like, what are you guys doing here? But also you want your road buddy time. Of course. I got Monas just sitting there. And I'm dying, Jerry. And they're all like, what do you want to do? And so I'm trying to figure out what to do. And I'm trying to be like, I would like to make movie. I'm trying to talk to all these people. And I can feel their awkward with this person and that guy. And it was a whirlwind. I felt like a hot chick. It was the first time experiencing what it must be like to be a hot girl. Yes. And you just want to go, just give me the shittiest guy. I just want to get this over with. Who's going to make me the most money and then leave? Or anybody, for God's sake. Sure. Well, who'd you go with? I just had the first meeting today. Oh, wow. I talked to all of them. And I seriously feel like. I feel like a princess where they're like, we want the crown. Yeah. And I'm like, well, I'll make a decision later. Right. And then I'm scared I'm going to get duped. Like, I'm in a meeting with a management company. They're like, this is what we'll do for you. Just be in touch. And I'm like, well, I got to meet with other people. Exactly. And they're like, okay. Well, they know it's awkward, but they know if we don't, if we're the ones who don't show a face, he'll just go with that guy. Right. So they kind of have to do it. It's pretty brutal. Yeah. And someone was like, I think it was Luke, was like, get as much free shit as you can right now. You should be asking for tickets to games, concerts. They're all trying to get you. Good point. That's like a woman. Get the dinner. Yeah, exactly. So it's a weird spot. And it was very exciting. Anyway, the weekend was great and fun and Tuesdays galore. And it was awesome. And I just love LA. I obviously have more, but we'll get to it another time. I got to talk about the cruise, but we'll tease it all for now. You know who I would go with? Well, two things. Please, I need your input. Well, two things. If I was a manager and I knew about comedians, I would go, this has got to be super awkward for you. Plus, you probably want to hang out with your buddy. I'll go out of the green room. We'll talk later. I go, I'm signing with that guy. Right. That's a good point because, yeah, a lot of them just were there. And they're all nice people. Yeah, yeah. They're just a little out to lunch. But also, aren't you glad? What a win to be on your side. Right. Like, imagine that's your job. You have to go into a green room with a guy you don't know and be like, we're going to get this guy. We need this guy. We need this guy. We need his 10%. Right. You're the 90 guy. Yeah, it's pretty cool. That's pretty cool. It's pretty good. Aren't you so glad you're on that side of the room and not the other one? I guess so. I mean, as awkward as it is, it would suck to be the guy going, all right, we have no talent. He does. He's doing pretty well. Let's mooch. The whole job is to mooch. But it's so much pressure because the whole thing is like, oh, no one fucks up like lists. You're that manager. You're that manager. You're this manager. You did this wrong. So now it's like, I got to really get the guy. But then you get the big guy, but the big guy doesn't pay any attention. Or you get the little guy, but they're too little to do anything. So then you're like, what about the middle guy? Like, well, the middle guy fucked a woman hard once. Exactly. I can't believe your mother can hear this. This is horrible. I know. All right, we got to wrap up, for God's sake. We got a bonus to do. Oh, boy. The bonuses are wild, too. I know. We got to get the soundproof eggshell bullshit. Oh, boy. Oh, jeez. I can't go back. Well, maybe we'll do it in the closet. I can't either. What are you, crazy? You can leave. I got to live here. She already said I can hear everything. Yeah. And we were talking. The last five minutes was like, I can't. And we were kidding. I'm happy to talk to your mother. Not happy, but, you know. Sure, sure. I'm OK. Oh, I thought you were doing a bit. And we walked upstairs. She's like, I heard everything. I know. That's terrible. I can hear her. Well, where are you going to be coming up? Oh, boy. It's fine. Now we're going to go. Now we're whispering. I'll be in Baltimore. I'll be in DC. I'll be at the DC Improv. November, I don't have my phone. November 6th or the 8th or whatever that weekend is. Wait, really? Yeah. I think I'm at DC then. Oh, that's perfect. I know. I'm a different agent. We'll get a hangout. Yeah, DC Improv, whatever. It's that weekend before Skank Fest. Oh, OK. I'm there before that. November 6th, something like that. And then, oh, big show happening now that you're on. November 10th at the Gramercy. Oh, yeah. That'll be great. Celebrating my life. Yeah. I've got to tell you a story about that off air. Lifetime achievement for you or something. It's very weird, but it's you and Sam and Karen and me. And by the way, I was like, Karen's like, Sarah, are you on? She's like, nobody asked me. Literally, you, Sam, Bobby, and Karen, and they didn't hit up Sarah. That's perfect. So we've got to get her on the show or else, you know. She can host. Karen's hosting. All right. I'll do less time. Anyway. So that's that. And then Lexington, not Louisville. I'm sorry. Lexington, first weekend in December. And, of course, Tom Dustin, Portrait of a Comedian is out. Small Ball on YouTube, which is also on Amazon Prime. I didn't even realize that. Oh, hey, that's pretty cool. I'm not good at business. But now you've got another credit. Oh, yeah. I guess. That'll get people in those seats. That's something. You've seen them on Amazon Prime. It's nice to list them all. I suppose so. Show list. There you go. All right. I'll be in Baltimore, D.C., San Diego, Minneapolis. for a casino gig. I'm opening for Shane with my Riyadh. money and his hero money and uh yeah we'll have a good time queef it up uh praise Allah check out the patreon rupert you want to plug something uh yeah uh check out my podcast it's reviewing history we watch movies based on true stories we go through and we tell you what's really fake and we make shitty jokes that sounds great i love it love shitty jokes my mom does it thank you folks watching the music die