#626 Dern's Done

Hey Mark, fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do. Great. Good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with. Stories! Hit her in the face with a surfboard. And then the duck fell out of his bag! Surf's up! And she didn't even flush. Knock knock. Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe List! Yeah! This is Tuesdays with Stories, everybody. No, that's terrible. This is supposed to be cheesy. My radio is spitting at me. And I can't. Hey, folks! We're doing it. We're back. We're here. We're queer. We're in Brooklyn. Brooklyn. Crooklyn. B-Town. BK Broiler. Brooklyn. Was that what they said? Is Brooklyn in the house? I'm for Brooklyn. I don't know. Brooklyn what? Brooklyn what? Was that it? I don't know. I don't know this N-word what. That was big. Yeah, yeah. Then it's N-word please. Yeah, they got please and what? That's pretty polite. Yeah. Please. Absolutely. Please and thank you. N-word thank you. Did they do that? No. N-word you're welcome. I definitely haven't heard. No. Well, anyways, we're here in Brooklyn. And what a city. What a town. What a neighborhood. What a thing. The alumni is unreal out here. Oh, yeah. You got Chris Rock, Colin Quinn. Woody Allen, Larry David. Sure. Well, Woody and Larry, those are the top of the heap for me. And I think. Stones throw away from each other. Sheep's Head Bay and what's that other place there? Coney Island-ish? I don't know if Woody's from Coney. Bay Ridge? No. Bensonhurst? Something like that. I don't know. I've looked at it many times, but I can't really remember. Yeah, I can't either. It's one of the. It's down there. It's where the Dirty Jews were back in the 40s or whatever that was. Did you listen to him on. What is it? Midwood. Midwood. That's fucking Brooklyn. Also, Jacksonville. Jackie Gleason as Bushwick. Yeah. Which is fun to think of. Drove a bus for a living. Different times. Yeah. Did you listen to Woody on Barry White? I loved it. That was the one we needed. That was the interview I wanted. That was the one I needed. It was great. She's like, so-and-so, some writer said the longest ride in the world is Brooklyn to Manhattan. And she's like, did you find that to be true? And he's like, no, it was about 35 minutes. He's so cute, that Woody. That's your nanny lady. I would let him diddle me. Or someone stole your kid. Oh, yeah. Oh, God. She probably needs my help, but I'm on air. Oh, geez. And Rupert can't get upstairs. Is May here? If you want to bring, yeah, she's on a call. You want to help her bring that trolley up the stairs there? She's going to be, we're about to hear, ah, who's this guy? Oh, boy. Getting attacked by- You couldn't pause. Ah, let it roll. Hey, speaking of Brooklyn, took the boy to swim lesson today. Oh, that's fun. The YMCA. How'd he do? He just goes apeshit. It's fun. He's like- Yeah, oh. Uh-oh, here he goes. He's going, but then this guy, this guy was going to help. Oh. Well, get Rupert in there. I don't want to know where that guy's been. That was the perfect image of somebody that's going to take your baby. I know, right? Yeah, they splash around. He goes crazy in there. Yeah, yeah. It's fun. It's fun, but then he splashed so much, he got water in his face. Then he started, ooh, ooh, ooh. Oh, yeah, yeah. He got in the mouth, and then we did that whole thing. They coughed. They did the whole thing, yeah. But it's so sweet. There's like a little black lady with the cap on, and she's like, you know, okay, the wheels on the bus go whoosh, whoosh, whoosh, and you take them, and you- Yeah, you whoosh them around. Up and down, up and down. It's very wholesome, and it's fun to be in a pool with a little boy. Now, do you ever think about making love to this nanny lady? Well, it's crossed everyone's mind. If there was a guy in the house, I would think about that. Yeah, of course, yeah. Rupert, even. Is he stuck out there? I think he's stuck in a doorway. Rupert? Uh-oh. I think he might be stuck. Wow. Oh, God. Well, he's above us, because I hear the walls shaking, and I see dust falling. Oh, God. Oh, there's a ripple in the cup there, like Jurassic Park. Poor Rupert. Padlock. Someone padlocked the door. Padlock? Who padlocked the door? I don't know. I can't even laugh, but I didn't click a lock. I didn't click a lock. It was locked. Oh, boy. Well, they got rupees here, because otherwise the maids would be deported. Sorry, I came and tried to unlock the door. I did. What happened? I helped her bring it up the stairs, and then I went in. Oh, okay. Oh, it was locked. It wasn't locked. Oh, sorry, Rupert. Thank you. You're a mensch and a gentleman. So who locked it? Did you lock the door out there? I locked it when I came back in. Oh, you're scared of the neighborhood. Yeah. I see. Okay, I appreciate the honesty. Wait, what were we talking about? Oh, Brooklyn Swimming and Brooklyn Alum, Brooklyn Phil, a Woody Allen podcast. Yeah. He is the greatest. He's the man. He's the best. He's so chill and relaxed and fun, and he's just like, I don't know. I don't know what else to do, so I made the movies. And he's like, no, not really. That doesn't bother me. Yeah, he's so genuine. And he talked about the cancel, the whole thing. And he was like, eh, what are you going to do? Yeah, that was in his book like that, too. It was quite fun. I mean, I love him. He's like, eh, it didn't hurt me. What are you going to do? I'm old. Yeah, he's like, I did 50 movies. I got it all in. I'm good. How zen is he? The whole world thinks he's a fucking rape child, you know, Lester, and he's like, well, you know, they think that. I'm not. Yeah, zenzy. He's good. Even Shalamu was like, yeah, I'll never work with him again. And he was like, he wrote in his book, yeah, the guy begged to work with me. I have the email. He couldn't wait to do a movie with me. Yeah. He's a good man, and I'm glad he's still with us. And who's going to die next, do you think? Big celebrity death. Charlie Sheen. I think Nicholson's on his last legs. Oh, big Nick. They say that. Nick. Nick, please. I assume his buddy that's in the Tarantino movies in Nebraska, he can't be lasting much longer. Who? You know who I'm talking about. Bruce Dern. Oh, Dern. Dern's got to be on the last legs. Dern's done. We lost Redford. Rupert can't be too far away. Can't be too far away. Who else? Keith Richards. That guy, he's 80 years old, for God's sakes. Heroin addict. Chronic smoker. Still smoking. Still smoking. Still rocking. I mean, I'm hoping for Chuck. But I think some people, they do so many drugs, they die. And then some people do so many drugs, they get over this hump and live longer. Right. You know, like the Sheens or the Richards or the, who else does? Oh, Rob Williams killed himself. Yeah. Boy, poor guy. Yeah. Some people can get past that death and just keep on living. Is it so weird that people are just dead? Artie Lang. Rob Williams dead. Dead. Doesn't exist. Charlie Kirk gone. But not forgotten. Yes. I was at the memorial. Looked like a Bargatze show. Where does that money go? That must have been, they must have made $2 million on that thing. It was packed. It's not going to Tylenol, I'll tell you that. Oh, boy. Anyways, we're here. We're queer. We're back. Brooklyn, Queens, Manhattan, Staten Island, the Bronx. Hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo. Yeah. Swim lesson. How about this one? You want to talk? This is the most New York thing I've ever seen. There's a guy on the train who looks normal, but you're like, something's off. Oh. Because usually you go, oh, he smells like a big turd in the pants, or he smells like B.O., or a foot fungi, or something. He's got the crazy swollen, ashy thigh, or whatever, the ankle. Yeah. And so you're like, this guy looks normal. He had a gym bag. He was ripped. Big, handsome, black guy. Ripped. You could tell he just came from the gym. He had a t-shirt on and basketball shorts. Okay. But he kept pacing. And he kept pacing. And then he would get off the train and do this one, and then before it would close, he would jump back on. Interesting. Like the French connection. Yes, yes. Connection. Black connection. So I'm like, what the hell's up with this guy? And then there was a woman, I don't know, a Latin lady with a baby like this. Sounds right. Yeah. They reproduce. Just one? Just one. Surprisingly. The other ones were on top of the train. But she's just sitting there at the edge of the bench on the train, and right before he gets off, he goes, wow, and then walks off the train. The finger to the face. The finger to the face, if you're listening at home. Yeah. And the lady went, oh. And then we were all like, what the hell was that? The whole train turned. We were like, you okay? What was that about? She was like, I don't know. I don't know. Sounds like Rob Williams and Mrs. Doubtfire. You for the day, Doubtfire here. It was a run by fruiting. Why didn't he think of a name? I don't get it. You for the day, Jaya. Yeah. You for Geneva, Doubtfire. Yeah. It was a weird Scottish name. But he went through, didn't we just talk about this? We did. He went through the whole whirlwind. He crosses out the phone number. He does all the things. He does the voice. He has the thing. And then she goes, what's your name? And he's like, whoops, I forgot. Yeah. Come on, fuck face. Right. I don't know why he killed himself. You got to have a name. So what do you think it was? Was she playing music? Was she selling candy? Was she one of the candy girls? Zilch. She was one of the rare, quiet Latins. And she was just sitting there and got the finger. I think maybe he hated kids. He hated women. And then I followed the guy. Because I was like, I'm fascinated by this guy. I kept my distance. 72nd Street on the 2. I watch him get out. And he sees. He sees another lady. And he goes up right behind her and takes a photo of her from behind. And then turns around and goes the other way. And I went, ah, because he walked past me. Wow. Something's up with this guy. But he worked out. He's ripped. So nobody wanted to fuck with him. Well, that's scary. Nothing more scary than the ripped homeless guy. Yes. You see a homeless guy with abs. Get out of there. Get the fuck out. But this guy's scary because it's the unknown. Like, what's his deal? And you want to go up to him and go, sir, what's the deal? - In consideration. Yes! Why are you giving women the finger to the face? And it had some stank on it. Don't you think the finger's one of the gayest things ever? Finger's bad. People that think the finger is cool, they should be put down. You get from like 16 to 18 with the finger, and then it's done. The finger, you know, oh, fuck you, dude! I'm like, just say fuck you. You don't need the finger. I know. I think we all did it. There's a million photos of me in college like. I had double fingers a lot. I would do that. The Tupac out the window was fun. But, I mean, I guess the pretend to pull something out of your pocket, and it's the finger, that's kind of fun. That's a fun move. I like that one. And then there's the Jack Black. Oh, I don't know that one. You shoot the other four fingers. Okay, you get creative with it. I'll let it slide. But Johnny Cash, oh, look at this guy. Record banjo player. Real bad boy. Heads up, he's giving the finger to his own photographer. Right, right. The Cash one, at least, is cool. Because it was the 50s or something, or the 70s, whatever. And Top Gun, I like. That was fun. He gives him the finger. Well, he flies inverted over the head, and then he gives him the finger. All right. Well, sometimes it's all you have. Because if they can't hear you, if you're in a bomber jet, you can't be like. But even that, you can still go, hey, fuck you. You fuck. I like this move. Very New York, old school. I don't get that one either. What about this? Oh, the suck it. Nobody. A lot of people listen to audio. You got to tell them what you're doing. Oh, sorry. That's the wrestling thing. The triple X or whatever, yeah. Yeah, that thing I hated. Triple H. I thought that was silly. And I'm such a wholesome boy. I came up on wrestling 88 to 92. It was like Ric Flair, woo, and Jim Duggan, who just gave a thumbs up, which I think is the funniest gimmick ever. Yeah. Thumbs up. Like, him and Roger Ebert were the same guy. Oh, yeah. And then all of a sudden, I tuned out, and friends would talk about it. And they're like, oh, yeah, there's these new guys. They tell you to suck their dick. I'm like, what? That's wrestling? Before that, it was. Hulk Hogan would be like, the prayers and the vitamins. These guys are like, hey, blow me, you fucking homo. It was the Attitude Era, baby. We got to up it. I know. He's like, Stone Cold's smashing beer cans. And then Vince McMahon's fucking his daughter. I'm like, what the hell is this? Yeah, those were good times. Then he made. I think his wife is like Secretary of Transportation or something. Oh, it's like the Department of Education, I thought. She's like the head teacher. Oh, yeah. Rupert's coming in his pants over there. No, it all makes perfect sense. Don't worry about it. I think he was like plowing a lady. The sketches. Remember Vince McMahon would be like, we're going to write a bunch of sketches. Like, it's a big soap opera. And he's like banging a lady in front of his wife. And she was like, I'm on board. I got to write some sketches. You got that right. Yeah, this is my dream. All right. I got some sketch ideas. Oh, yeah. I want to. That's why. The only reason you want to be an actor is so you can fuck women. I'm watching, like, Victoria, Vicky, Christina Barcelona. Woo-wee. Hubba hubba. Scarlett Johansson is making out with Penelope Cruz and Javier Bardem. Like, first of all, how nice for our friend Colin, who's now married to. I forgot her name. I just said it. Scarlett Johansson. Anytime he wants, he can go to the i-thing, iTunes, whatever, and just watch his wife make it out with Penelope Cruz. Well, you got to cut it before Bardem gets his fat ass in there with his Free Palestine kefifa. Not me. That's where I really bust. All right, well. Penelope gets me hard. Javier gets me over the moon. Your dick's like his cow prod in No Country. Boom. I would love. Pops out the doorknob. If I were going to have a guy fuck my wife in front of me the way I think about, it would either be Bardem with the haircut from No Country, could you step out of the bed, please? Or Rupert. Big Rupert, get in there. We got to mend some fences here. We've had some debates. One of the perks of the job, just put him on the bottom for Pete's sake. Now, Javier Bardem, he's one of these guys, and we've had this discussion before. Some men, I can tell, are handsome boys. It's Brad Pitt, hot, very nice looking guy. You got Chris DiStefano or Jeff Dye or something like that. Javier Bardem, I'm like, this guy's hot? I don't get it either. He looks like a pan face. He looks like somebody dropped a case, what do you call that? A fucking. A case-a-dilla? No, like in the cartoons, they drop a safe. Looked like someone dropped a face on his face. A safe on his face. A safe on his face, that's hard to say. Yeah. He's got a big, fat, flat face. He looks like a fucking. He's a fucking monster to me. He looks good in that movie, though, like in No Country. He looks like a 70s Mormon retard. You got that page boy. But in Barcelona, he walks over to the table with all that swagger and confidence, and he's like, ladies, I'd like to invite you to my villa to eat my ass for dinner. And they're like, okay. He's got something. I don't get it. And Rebecca Hall's another one, who I think is a lovely lady. She's in the movie. The brunette. People think she's so hot. I think my wife is much better. I think my wife is much better looking than Rebecca Hall. I think Rebecca Hall's all right. She's pretty. Your wife's hotter than Rebecca Hall. Wow. Thank you. Well, I think you put Rebecca next to Johan, and it's. It doesn't help. Yeah. It's a tough, tough sell. Good point. Because she is a sexy, deep-voiced bitch. You can't call her a bitch. We know her husband. Oh, well, I mean, bitch in like the rap way. Good point. Thank you. But any farts, yeah. Bar damn, I don't get. I don't give a bar damn. But he's hot, I guess. Henry Cahill. That's a hot hunk of jizz right there. I don't know who that is. Can you pull him up, Rupert? You've seen him. He's in one of the Mission Impossibles. I think he was Superman for a hot minute. He's in some stuff. He's in that movie about the boat, the bus. Speed? No, that guy. Oh, yeah. He looks like Superman. That's Superman for a minute. Give me a filmography of him, because I don't know any of these films. But maybe he's in TV, too. A lot of these people are. TV stars. I don't really watch a lot of TV. Yeah, he's not in great movies. I might take this new Ethan Hawke joint for a spin. I love Ethan Hawke. I didn't know he had one. It's supposed to be a noir thing. FX Hulu. Hawk-a-loogie. And maybe I'll try to get in there. I like that Hawk. He's good. He's good. He's a good writer, as well. Oh, he's tremendous. He's all around great. We've got to start getting into some stories here. I think he was Plowance. Who was he married to? Somebody something. I don't know. Julie Delpy? That's in the movies, for sure. Yeah, he's got a wife on him. Uma? Uma? Uma, yeah, yeah, yeah. He was married to Uma. Uma, wow. She's 6'1", or something. She's a tall glass of pussy juice. What do you got for Cahill? Cavill. Cavill. Ministry of Ungentlemanly Warfare. Yeah, that was fun. Argyle. Argyle. I don't know that. No, Argo. Superman in all those DC movies. I don't know that, really. Impossible Fallout. That's the one. I don't know if I saw that. I never saw that. He's an action guy. The Tweeters? The Tooters? Tooters? I never saw that. Oh, that I saw. That's a terrible Woody Allen movie. Is that Woody Allen? Oh, yeah. Yeah, it's a bad one. With Larry, and it's unbelievable. Oh, that one's tough. Somehow, the two greatest comedic voices in the history of comedic voices got together and made a bag of shit. Well, Larry David is like a race car driver, where he can do his thing, but you can't just put Mario Andretti in New Kids on the Block and have him sing. Right. Good point. Larry does Larry. You can't put him anywhere else. Uh-oh, oh-oh, the right stuff. First time was a sweet time, and second time was a blast. Huh. Third time I fell in love, now it's gonna last. Is that when he, is that sex? I assume so. It's gotta be. What, are you talking about fucking Monopoly? I don't know. Nobody plays Monopoly three times. I used to love Monopoly. It takes forever. It sure does, but when you were a kid, you had forever. You had time. I was never like, I'm wasting my life. Actually, I was like, I'm wasting my life. I was like that, even as a kid. Yeah, so was I. It's embarrassing. Well, I actually read when I was a kid. I've read multiple comedy books. I got a nice stack of comedy books. I can't turn a page, Jerry. I can't do it. You got the TikTok porn and OnlyFans just rubbing my sphincter. Well, you're not smart, so that's the thing. Damn it, but I was, Jerry. I feel like I, I don't know if I was, but I read books because I had nothing else to do. It was read a book or stare at my asshole. Well, now I still. I still read, but I'm the same way. I'll read a page and a half, and I'm like, oh, what town is that? How many people live in that town? Yeah, you Google it. That's the problem. You used to be able to fucking have a discussion, and that was part of life. You'd go, how tall is the CN Tower? I don't know, 1,800 feet. What are you, nuts? Yes. It's 4,000 feet. 4,000 feet. That would be fucking bababababoo. Yeah. Go up into a plane. No, planes don't go that high. Well, how high does a plane go? And that would go on for three hours. Yeah, well, Pete Holmes, to his credit, had a bit years ago, 10 years ago, when Google, came out whatever that was and he was like uh we used to have discussions you know he used to go where's tom petty from oh oklahoma he's a southern guy no that's too mid gainesville yeah it was florida and you used to have a debate about it and now it's just where's tom petty from got it and then two months later you'd have a newspaper be like look at this yes and then the person that loses always goes you're still thinking about that and you're like you were thinking about it too fuck face interesting but uh anyways ladies gentlemen this episode is brought to you by prize picks you and i make decisions every day but on prize picks being right can get you paid don't miss any of the excitement this football season on prize picks where it's good to be right prize picks is the best way to win cash this football season and getting ready to start getting started is easy pick more or less on at least two player stats if you're right you could win some serious dough prize picks is the only app offering stacks so you can select the same player up to three times same lineup. 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That's true, especially in the movie theater. But so I go, hey. So it's very primitive. You go up early, and there's a booklet, and you sign your name to reserve a spot. Okay. But these queefs out here wake up at the crack of dawn. I'm sitting around a bunch of farmers. We are farmers. Bum, ba-dum, bum, bum, bum, bum, come. Yes. You said come the whole time. I only thought of it halfway through. You got it in there. Instead of bum, you say come. It's funny. Come, ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka. Yeah. That's the grinder tune. What did Elton John have for dinner? I don't know. Bubble cum. All right. So I go to sign up, and I sleep in. I fuck up. I missed it. So I go there way too late. It's already like 11. And these people get up here at 6, and they start signing up. Sure. So I get over there. How about this guy? I'm looking at the, I don't know where the booklet is. I'm new. So I'm like, where's that booklet? And one guy goes, you looking for the booklet? And I go, yeah, yeah, I want to sign up for tennis. He goes, whoo, you're way too late. And I go, all right, I realize that. I just want to know where it is for next time. And he goes, buddy, you missed it. And I'm like, I don't know where it is. I'd like to know where it is so I don't have to go through this again. Yeah. You're way behind. You overslept. You're done. Your career's bad. You're fat. You're ugly. And I'm like, where's the booklet? He's shaming me. Tell me where the booklet is. He won't tell me. So I'm like, I know, I know. I get it. I'm late. I get it. You're shaming me. You're chastising me. You feel good. You're cool. You got up early. I didn't. Where's the booklet? So where is the booklet? I don't know. I don't know. I walked away. Well, that's the thing. They don't want anyone new coming in. Is that what that is? I think so. You're the new guy. You got your fancy shorts and your silly socks, your complicated shoes. I think they don't want you poking your head around. Well, just tell me where it is. Obviously, I can't get up early. He can. He wouldn't let up on the shaming to tell me information. Well, maybe it's Rogan's fear. Maybe he recognizes you. Hey, this guy's with Rogan. Maybe. Maybe. Well, if he wants to buy any elk meat or testosterone, he missed out. Sorry, I got distracted. What happened? The police sirens. Oh. It sounded like it was coming up the street. Welcome to the neighborhood. I think Rupert called them. Well, that sucks. Well, maybe try tomorrow. I will. I will. I'm going to do it just to spite this guy. But I hate these guys who, they're so on a roll that they can't even stop and listen to me. Because he wouldn't even listen when I was like, I know, I just need to. Oh, it's over. You missed it. Bip, bip, bip, bip. I'm like, what are we doing here? No, that guy sucks ass. Well, tennis is a particularly fancy pants sport. Elitist. They're very elitist. They don't want anyone coming in. And you're a rabble rouser. They can't have you in there. Well, this guy was rambling my rouse. He was up my own tree park. I'm not saying he's not a rabble rouser. I'm saying he's a hoity-toity rouser. Right, right, right. Well, isn't it weird? Because you always hear about white priv. I'm white, but I don't feel very. Oh, boy. You be careful here. You better pump the brakes. Well, I don't feel very hoity-toity. Like, when I'm up around a bunch of tennis people, I feel like the black guy. I'm like, shee. Oh, hell no. Yeah. Don't you feel. I think it's like you get to a level of white trash and low self-esteem, you start to feel left out of even white stuff. Yeah, no. I mean, I feel. I was talking about it with my therapist. I feel like a big retard, learning disability, OCD asshole. I got no self-esteem. Monis, he's calling me. He's like, every time somebody says something nice, I'm going to text you because you got problems. He's concerned. Huh. Because he'll be like this. Oh, yeah, Dane Cook mentioned you. I'm like, oh, stop. He doesn't know who the fuck I am. He's like, he knows who you are. He likes you. I'm like, he doesn't like me. You shut the fuck up. He loved you. He used you for years as an opener. Nah, just twice. Ah, boy, I've been really selling that. I was like, he told Dane Cook everything. You did the Boston Garden You wrote the bit about the DJ No, no, I didn't do any of that The BK Lounge I was like, that was Liz How about this? I just came from Bennington Speaking of Luke Moniz Guess who I was in the elevator with I want you to take three guesses Whoa, all right, all right, all right Make them quick, though Three guesses? Three guesses Well, I'm going to go with music Because it's the Sirius XM field All right I'll go Bon Jovi No I'll go Missy Elliott I wouldn't recognize her if she sat on my face Alright And my face would collapse She's a heavyset woman of color Mick Jagger Nope Alright Nope, nope, no Gary Della Oh, Baba Booey How do you say his name? Gary Della Bate Bate, yeah In the elevator, Baba Booey I go, how about that? Because Sirius Radio, Stern, the whole thing That's over, right? No Stern? No I thought Trump made the call No, he's going Oh, okay He just does it from home No he's there Stern was out No they did a big thing Like he was gonna be out And then he came out And was like It's just rumors Fuck you I think he signed up again I think I heard he was donezo I don't think so Well by the way Marin said he was quitting And he's put out 750 episodes since then Every day he's like Today's Rupert Day On WTF It's like Sting That's our last tour Or Kiss That's what I bet Or he loves Kiss What do you got? He said on September 28th He's going to stay with the platform. Yeah, he's staying. Oh, okay. I didn't hear that part. Which is good for us because I think it keeps people on Sirius. Oh, yes. Which I love Sirius Radio, by the way. I think it's like the fucking greatest thing ever. It's fun. You get on that Pearl Jam station and the Bruce or the Beatles. I love it. 22, 20, and I think six. And I get a hefty paycheck from soup to nuts. Absolutely. So, Delabonte, unfortunate looking man. Well, Luke Bonas is like a stern super fan. He still says hey now all the time, which I find annoying. But he did say it after a fart the other day, which made me laugh. That's Larry Sanders. I know, it's Stern. i think i think half the people more than half the people that say hey now are doing stern doing larry sanders i didn't know that okay what are you crazy you know what i'm talking about stern commandeered hey now he took hey now from hank yeah i mean he didn't take it but he was doing i guess he took it but it wasn't like he was like i came up with that he was quoting hey now the way we quote yeah oh stern i think if you did a hey now count it's stern 7 000 more times than uh what's this does transparent what's his name uh hank is the show yeah what's the actor's name jeffrey tambor tambor tambor tamborine man yeah i thought you listened to stern were you a stern guy i was a huge stern guy but i haven't listened in 40 years because i don't have serious but he was a big hey now back then hey now oh he was a hey now yeah when you think when i think of hey now i think more stern than tambor i guess i go tambor because i watched larry sanders more recently than i've listened to stern because i usually listen on the radio that makes sense i see but anyways so i i mean i get annoyed with the hey now but then the other day i was like and he went hey now which is funny that's a good time but anyway so i texted him and he was telling me that they used to have some kind of contest where women have to come and they would put a bag over gary's head because he was so ugly and the women wouldn't come think about how crazy that is to do to your buddy that's good radio though i mean that's funny stuff anyways he's on the elevator and i'm going wow i'm on the elevator with with gary de la fonte yeah and then there's a young kid and he goes uh i'm sorry what's your name again because he must have been like an intern guy or working and it was fun no no okay oh it was fun for me i'm having a celebrity but we're old as shit now gary's 75 yes and there's a young whippersnapper going what'd you say your name was i'm over here going there's a celebrity wow it would be like you know if you saw michael j fox shaking his ass into the elevator and you go oh my god there's marty mcfly this guy's like what'd you say your name was we didn't shake and that motherfucker hit all the buttons you shaky bastard now we're going to 38 floors now you know it's funny were you done with that yeah okay last time i was at serious been a while i did ben again did you do what the portrait of a comedian or whatever it's called bennington yeah i think he said ben again oh did i say ben again i think he said ben again sorry i haven't eaten there in years that's a good sign for ron i saw rupert um so anyways i'm doing ihop so i'm at shoney's uh i don't think shoney's made it up here i don't know what shoney's is but i was gonna go okay the elizabeth berkeley movie where she's got her tits up no shoney your tits um shoney shoney shoney's was like a ruby tuesday shitbox restaurant with a salad bar i love ruby tuesdays me too but good song mick jagger so i'm in the elevator with i got three guesses three guesses okay let's get right down to it young mc no okay well i could tell by the reaction it's not a black man rapper it's gotta be uh jew steven spielberg i wish all right i would let you know if i met the big spiel oh yeah so you don't know something that he's of note of note but not worth telling me not a black guy it's no way it's a woman nah yeah you wouldn't mention a woman uh unless her tits were out i'm gonna say uh relevant to today relevant very relevant jimmy kimmel that's it wow wow yeah i met kidding coming down the elevator he was like looking at his phone i was like oh shit there's jimmy kimmel and this is kimmel kimmel this is before all the hoopla and everything and i was a man show guy i was a win ben stein's money guy but i knew as a comedian i couldn't just hit him with a hey big fan i had to get in there i had to be niche yes sly yeah so i go just want to throw this out there windy city heat one of the best comedies ever and he went you know windy city heat wow i'm in baby i said the right thing that's pretty good yeah so what did he say so he just leaped right into a full conversation we were that scary perry there was no acting that guy was legitimate that was all real i i uh i still talk to him to this day he's fucking crazy he just he just opened up to me no kidding that's fun and then the doors opened then he poofed out of there and his initials jk rally kidding yes that's you know kismet kismet i should have gotten the photo though what was i gonna say i thought that was gary de la hoopoo yeah because i'm like i would have just been exciting for luke but i'm like i can't ask for a photo i feel like a jackass i feel like an asshole too wait what was i just gonna say though jimmy kimmel it was something oh i forgot to mention this by the way i had a kook on the way here which is fun you always hope for something on the way to the show well we're out of stories i got a couple things here big big i mean i'm lying but i have something but anyways i'm on the train because i went and did bennington's then i take the train downtown i go to the train we stop at union square it's one of these ones where it just stops for fucking 45 minutes we're just sitting there brutal and then it's a mostly empty train it's like two in the afternoon it's me and an asian boy he's over there he's kind of hot he's got earrings he's looking at his phone oh and i'm sitting here like this doing that he's got his feet out like this he's looking at his phone and then it similar to your situation a kook that he doesn't fully um present as a kook yeah he doesn't identify as a kook well this is a woman this is a lady kook oh lady kook how about that yeah so that's my favorite point category so she walks up she's got a cane well the cane with the prongs the four corners which feels like all the canes should have that oh yeah that's a good point why have a little nipple size rubber stamp yeah if you can have four rubber stamps i think it's a stroke cane they call that in the business yeah good band stroke cane yeah the stroke canes ah well kind of like cocaine but stroke cane and cocaine can cause a stroke not bad okay well so she's uh she's walking she's got a plastic bag which is the sign of a kook but also the sign of someone that just bought some stuff or david tell and she's got uh you know kind of a frail body but not crazy looking so i'm minding my own business i'm looking at my thing and then she stops here so i think oh maybe she's just gonna stand there and she goes uh get your feet out of the aisle and i'm like what my feet are like this and then the asian kid he's got his headphones in she goes get your fucking feet out of the aisle you selfish asshole wow and the guy i just start laughing so the kid's like oh it's like a young boy he's like 20 years old he's like oh and she walks by she's like fucking selfish assholes then she walks through and then gets off the train wow i kind of like her it's kind of fun yeah so she's a kook she wasn't even going on that train she's just kind of passing through she's kind of the sheriff of this town like she laid down the law and then made sure it happened then she got off i guess so but it was an empty train there was plenty of space she could have said excuse me she could even tapped him with the quadruple cane yeah yeah and uh i don't know what i have some theory i think once you have a cane now you're handicapped cripple what's the word ableist ada people say which i'm not sure that attention deficit anal i don't know ada yeah uh adaptable ada compliant oh uh-huh look at the big brain on roop and the big belly yeah so calves and the big arms yeah yeah i think you're right okay well done so uh i think once you got that cane you can you can do that you got open open uh carte blanche you're able you can't enable yes skate and anal oh boy this show might be a low point what that wasn't bad can't enable that was something all right all right i think you're right all right i think you're right all right i think you're right all right they were the gays in the bible right they did anal so there's david and goliath and cane and able well then there's sodomy yeah sodomy and gamore that's all pairs it's all radio team adam and eve adam and eve not adam and steve so there's adam and eve jesus and mary joseph joseph and mary jesus is the only singular he's the only independent but isn't he all of us that's like a oh yeah he's in all of us sodom and gamora yeah cain and abel adam and eve who was the first one the other one we mentioned timon and pumbaa who's the other one i can't remember uh cain and abel cain and abel yeah are there other pairings joseph and what we said mary who's paul does he have a buddy peter paul and mary oh yeah but then there's the whole all the mark luke john and joe yeah those are saints that might be the beatles hold on or the new kids jonathan jonathan joe joey jordan danny and donnie wow yeah that was a big fan from boston okay well walgberg walgberg should have blinded that asian kid what's with all the teams well i think it's good for the story because you get both sides it's like seinfeld comedian you got to have the foil right you got to have the uh the protag and the antag jerry and another couple in the bible yes exactly the bible uh give it a skim yeah i kind of skim it in the hotel Let's skim it, the Koran I've read. That was a great Greg Rogel bit. I mean, this is 20 years ago, but he said, you know, George Bush said he reads the Bible every day. You're 61. Finish the book. That's fucking funny. That's great. How funny is that joke? That's a great joke. I've heard that one. That's a great bit. Finish the book. Finish the book. 61 years. He's just been reading like a little bit a day. That Bible's tough. I've peeked at it. It's like, thou vow to thrust your wicked penis into my beautiful gaping rectum. And it's like too biblical. Well, it's like Shakespeare. I need the cliff notes. The cliff notes. I need somebody to tell me what they're talking about. I don't know what thou and thy means. I'm out on thou and thy. By the way, my dad was in the law department. He was a lawyer. You ever read those affidavit dukes? I mean, they're like crazy jargon linguists. They go and they say everything's so confusing, so you just sign the fucking thing. And then before you know it, Bob's your uncle. You're in jail. Yeah, no, I can't read anything. It's too difficult. Directions, instructions, I mean. When I get a package or something, I don't know what I'm going to do with my kid is five. Hopefully we have AI robots to blow me. It's coming. Because a Lego, a Tinker Tog, a Lincoln Log, a Tinker Tailor Sailor Spy, I cannot follow instructions. I can't cookbook. I can't do anything. Really? Yeah, my brain's all scrambled. If you go, I find if you go one by one, because I'm with you, it's not easy. I go by the photo. Right. It's like a Chinese menu. I'm like, give me that. The Chinese menu in his hand. Yeah. Warren Zevon? Yeah. Hey. But yeah, yeah. You know, with the Ikea shit, it's all in Greek, Islam, what is that? Swedish. It's all Greek. So I just go, I got the Allen wrench, I'm going to start going. Yeah, I just, I can't. I can't follow instructions. I mean, I just got a new commercial agent. I'm getting back in the game. How about this? Where'd this come from? After 20 years off, I go, hey, give me the commercial. I love it. Well, I got a two-year-old. You guys are all going to Saudi Arabia. So this, you know, ethics is out the window. Put me in a fucking Tylenol commercial. When was ethics part of this? You were in a Captain Morgan commercial in 84. I know. Well, then I was broke. So now I'm back to being like, well, what the hell? Took you long enough. I know. I got a two-year-old homo at home. I got Mr. Mucinex over here. So put me in. I'll sneeze. Sneeze. I got a good sneeze. Watch this. Wow. I just got COVID. Screen Actors Guild. I love it. I might get the vaccine again. Just despite all these people that are like, hey, you faggot. Why don't you get a vaccine? I'm like, I'm not even talking about the vaccine. What? Where'd that come from? Because all, you know, you're like, oh, wow. I didn't care about this. Jimmy Kimmel seems crazy. Why don't you get the vaccine, you piece of shit homo? And I'm like, what? What are you talking about? But anyways. Booster. Side, side. Elaine Booster. No. So I said, Luke Monis, he's going on these commercial auditions. I go, I got a two-year-old. Let me make some money at home. What do I care? I don't care about artistic integrity. This is the other thing. I stopped doing commercials because I was trying to be an artist. But now we're all on podcasts going, hey, buy the dick pill. Buy the horse pill. Buy my shoes. Sure, sure. Yeah. Better help. I'm already doing commercials. So why don't I just goof around with a hot lady? Big pharma, baby. You could be in the herpes ad, and you're at the method. That's not bad. It's a documentary. I'll be in a hot tub with a big, fat, titted lady on my arm. Oh, I love it. Rupert could shave and be the lady, and I'll kiss her on the lips and go, hey, I got herpes. Yes. Now we're talking. Anyways, so the whole point of this, I have an interview with the college agent lady, and she goes, okay. You're a breakout star. All right, all right. This is how you made it to the top. I'm telling you. I didn't mean to interrupt. I'm trying to tell you. I didn't mean to tell you. This is how you made it. Breakout. So this is what we're talking about, the instructions. Oh, my God. We left the window open. We've made so many off-color jokes. Oh, that's fine. Oh, and before the pod started. They would have attacked us by now. Jesus Christ. We're good. You can't hear out there. There's a lot of rap music. I heard her. Well, they're loud. That's a good point. But anyways, so the instruction thing. Okay. The commercial agent, I talk to the agent. I go, I'm getting back in the business. Luke's like, hey, now. Hey, now. Get back in there. You're an all-star. Get your game on. Get paid. Get paid. So I go. He killed himself. Plus, I'm like, you know, now I'm the retarded dad. Every commercial is a white guy with, like, pancakes exploding in his face. And he's like, I don't know how to use it. You pour an orange juice in a toaster. So get me in there. I'll be the big queef. I'll shave my face and be a moron. They need the fall guy. Exactly. So I'm like, I'm in. So I meet with the agent. First and foremost, I'm on the phone because I don't use a laptop. I mean, I have a laptop, but I'm just always on the phone. I'm on the go. Yeah, pretty similar. So I'm doing this. And she's like, why is it shaking? And I'm like, I don't know. I'll put it on my knee. And she's like, you don't have a computer? And I'm like, well, I have a computer, but I like the phone. She's like, well, you need a computer. I'm like, well, I have a computer. Don't worry about the computer. Fire her. I don't want to get in a big dispute about the computer. So finally, we get over that. And then she's like, you're great. You got a great look. You got great experience. You're a great man. We're going to get you. Clap, clippity clap. You do have a look. Oh, I got a look, baby. I'll give you that. It's not a good one, but it's a look. It's a look. So then she emails. She goes, all you got to do is sign up in castingbananaboo.org. Get an account. Oh, not a sign up. Sign up. Not an account. Get a password. Get an account. And then you got to accept the invite from me. Ah! I literally am like, I don't need to be in commercials. I am so with you. I swear to God. And it took me a week. So I was like, I'll do it for you. And I'm like, nah, nah, don't worry about it. I go in. And just to open the laptop, I'm like, I want to kill myself. Now, I know everyone out there, you roof houses, and you plumb toilets, and you put out fires. I'd rather plumb. I'd rather roof. Well, I've done plumbing. E. Hot on the left, cold on the right. Shit flows downhill. Don't bite your nails. Yes. I've done some plumbing. Butt crack, the whole thing. I've done some roofing, too. So I'm just like, fuck me hard. So finally, Sunday, I'm like, all right, I got to do this. Come on, you piece of shit. You're a father, for God's sake. You got to put this kid through college, even though colleges will be bankrupt, and AI is going to kill us. Yes. I open the computer. I go to the website. Sign up or sign in, all right? Sign up. I've seen that. This email already exists. Ah, about, about, fuck you. So I go, drag it in. The email is wrong. User name is wrong. You're not on Wi-Fi. Your dad doesn't care for you. Your wife thinks about your friends when you fuck. It's just horrible. Yes, yes, I'm with you. I'm with you. And then, you know what I love when they go, you've emailed so many times, you're signed out. I had that. And I'm like, fuck you, I'm out. I'm done. I like being signed out. Lock me out. I had that, and I'm like, why the website? You do it. You do it. You just send them my photo and say, hey, here's a homo who wants to work. Otherwise, what do you need her? You could just, if you make the app, you just send all your headshots. Well, then she's like, well, there's one. You got to, you got to, it's going to tell you you need to pay for it, but you don't. There's a way around it. Get the free one. So I go, okay. I go in there. I finally sign up. The page is like, you want $30 a month? It's good. You get the tube. And I'm like, no, no. She told me about this. Yeah. It was like an Indiana Jones movie. She's like, okay. She said this was going to happen. Oh, you're waiting. The rock's going to roll down. Yeah. I got to get the free one. I click. No. You want the $30 one, though? Because the $30 one's the one you want. No, no. I want the free. I go down to exit. I'm scanning the box. You ever roll the box? I'm like, is this the bottom of the web? Like the actual bottom where it's just like this little, I'm like, is this the fucking? Finally, I'm paying $30 a month. And then I had this one. I text Monis. I'm like, hey, you're on this website. This is your agent. How do you get the free one? He's like, doesn't respond. Finally, I sign up for the $30 a month. He sends back, here's how you get the free one. But I'm like, you're too late, fuck face. Because don't you have, I have a minimal amount of attention I can put on a thing. Yes. I'm like, if I don't complete this now. That's the end of it. That's it. Boy, I'm so with you here. It's the same with like, we're walking around out in the neighborhood. People are like, did you sign him up for preschool scoobly boop? Is he doing free bop scoobly boop? No. I'm like, I never heard of that. I don't know what that is. Well, you missed the sign ups. He's going to be retarded now. And I'm like, fuck me. I don't want a retarded kid. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, if there was a way to sign up to have him not be retarded, my kid would have a head the size of a Winnebago. Folks. As it often is. Tuesdays with Stories is sponsored by BetterHelp. October 10th was World Mental Health Day. This year, BetterHelp wanted to shine the spotlight on therapists and say thank you. BetterHelp therapists have helped over 5 million people and they're making it their mission to help you get easy online guidance from a licensed therapist in the comfort of your home. You know how much I love therapy. I go, if I take a long time off from therapy, I feel yucky. I feel. Wacky. I spend my time with my family and I think I should shoot these people. And then I talk to my therapist and it just makes me feel better. It gets me on the right track. It reminds me of where I came from, where I'm going, some things I have to work on, some things I struggle with. And it just helps me a tremendous amount. You hear how happy and grateful and healthy I am on the show. Don't you want to feel that way? Well, you can. Just a short questionnaire helps identify your needs and preferences and their needs. And you can get a full list of all the things you need to know about your health. at any time. With over 30,000 therapists, BetterHelp is the world's largest online therapy platform. This World Mental Health Day, we're celebrating the therapists who've helped millions of people take a step forward. If you're ready to find the right therapist for you, BetterHelp can help you start the journey. Tuesdays with Stories listeners get 10% off their first month at BetterHelp.com slash Tuesdays. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P.com slash Tuesdays. So, you know what I love? I'm trying to throw some positivity in here, is the facial recognition. You know when you go to the Delta site and it just goes, it does that circle with the check because it's on your face? Love it. It's the only time someone sees our faces and goes, you're good. Well, this is the thing. Bargetti had an amazing joke about this when I saw him at the arena, the AI. It was gold. Why, is that a bit? What? Was that a bit? I've thought about it, but I can't do what he does. He's got a very funny bit. He's like, in the 90s, everything was just, don't let him get your eye. Whatever you do, don't let him get the eye. He's like, we'll be hiding. Now I'm like, you know, scanning my eye. It's a very funny bit. I'm not doing it justice, whatever. Yeah, I mean, but, but, oh yeah, that's what I was going to say is I'm like, people are like, you know, if you signed up for this, they're going to rape your mother. They have all your info. Yep, yep. I don't care. Even when the Patriot Act came out in 2001, they're like, what are you, crazy? Privacy. Read my emails. Please. Finger my wife, videotape it, and play it for me on a loop, Clockwork Arms style. Yes, yes. I don't care. I don't want privacy. I'm with you. Take it all. Stop terrorism. Read my emails. Text my asshole. Take my fingerprint, my semen, my DNA, my social security. I don't give a shit. Good luck with it. But yeah, so I love the face ID. And if I don't get the face, ID, that's the end of it. I just, I don't care. So then to put a little ribbon on the, what do you call it? The commercial story. Oh, right. Finally get signed up. I email the agent. I'm in. I signed up. Wasn't easy. She goes, okay. 30 bucks, by the way. Did you accept my invite? Ah. I go, you got to be kidding me. I go, okay. All right. Don't beat yourself up in a ball. Don't panic. Now I got to go get my computer back out. I've already put it away. Pull the computer out. Because I tried to sign it into my phone, but my phone didn't work. My phone doesn't know the computer. So I can't get in. No. Get the computer back out. Open it. I'm at 4%. I don't know where the charger is. Put it in. Wrong email. I got to reset the email. Reset the password. Get in there. I'm getting hives. I don't see any message. I'm like, hey, all right. Sorry. I'm new to this. Where do I find the thing you're talking about? The invite. She goes, baby, look at the website. I'm like, lady, I'm about to take my own life here. Yeah, yeah. I look. I don't see it. I don't see it. I can't find it anywhere. So I text Luke again. I'm like, where's the fucking thing? And he's like, you're a retarded person. I don't know what to tell you. And so now I don't know. I don't know if I'm going to be in a commercial ever again. Wow. This would be a great commercial. It's going to be a commercial for VPN, whatever the fuck that thing is. Yeah, yeah. Or like going back to flip phone or something. Yeah, that's not bad. I think about it. I'm with you, man. This is, I'm glad I'm not alone because it's hell for me. And that's why I have a manager. People go, fire your manager. You don't need a manager. You're wasting 10%. I can't get into anything. So I need them to book a flight or book whatever. And then now I'm on this train. The accountant goes, you got to e-sign. And I go, all right, all right. Send it to me. I'll e-sign it. They send it to me. It won't open. Oh, here's the password. Password doesn't work. You got to uppercase, lowercase, twist it, turn it. I go, okay. Beep it, bop it, spit it. Okay. Now you got to sign up for sign a, sign a bitch or whatever it's called. Right. Yeah. Signabitch.org. Signabitch app. So you got to get on signabitch. You got to send your day. Finally, I sign it and they go, it didn't send. You got to re-sign, whatever it is. So I go, you know what? You guys want to make your money. Send me a hard copy. I'll sign it. Send me a return envelope and I'll put it in the mailbox. That's good. So that's what I'm doing now. And it's working. Well, I just, I very similarly, I had this from Rebecca Trent for Skank Fest. I would say the W2, W9, whatever the fuck, WWF, whatever the fuck it's called. Hotel. Www.com. It sounds so easy, but I'm on my phone. So then I find the W9 document and I go to sign it, but then my finger is now a marker. Yeah. So anytime I touch the app, it's just shooting lines all over the place. Like I try to move it. I do this to try to move it. It draws a big arrow. I can't undo the arrow. I try to zoom in. It goes, there's just lines. I got swastikas on my fucking W9. It's horrible. It's graffitied up. I didn't get it. I, all I wanted to do in my life was go, you ever take a shit with a boner? Hey, that's funny. Jot that down. Go on stage and go, yeah, I'm shit with a boner. I piss in my own mouth. Can I use that? That's gold. That's better than anything you've got. That's gold. So, you know, I'm going to kill myself. Yeah. Yeah. You need a little Asian lady. You can just, Hey, you do this. Exactly. I guess that's what an intern is. Or maybe that's why Woody Allen married Soon Dick. Well, I've been saying this since 1978. You need an assistant, my friend. I know, but I got the manager. It's working. And now I got this. I'm all paper. I feel like an Amish guy. I'm like, mail that shit to me. Snail mail. I love snail mail because by the time I figure out the app, the tax return is over. So mail that shit. And mail is unbelievable. People shit on the mail. The post office is slow. It's all fat black women. But the idea that I could buy a 38 cent stamp with a James Dean on it, getting, getting in a car crash and then put it on a piece of paper, carry that out the door and it'll go to Florida is insane. Yeah. It's pretty good. That's fun. Well, I mean, you used to get letters. That was great. Oh, I love them. Can you imagine being in jail and getting a letter? What a great day. That's gotta be like, Ooh, I got a letter. I get to open it. I get to read it. Then you sniff it, you lick it, you touch it, you fold it. Well, plus how fun is all the footage of like people dumping out bags? Like when you'd go on SNL and be like, my father's a homo. And they go, they just pour out email and you can swim in the mail. You know, you get sober and you start going through the fan mail, like you flush the pills down the toilet and you're like, all right, let me see what everyone thinks about me. And they wrote, I'm writing you from San Quentin. I want to fuck your dad. You always heard about a Ringo read every fan letter. You're like, how could he do that? It's thousands upon hundreds of thousands of letters. Well, he definitely got the least amount of letters in that group. That's true. But I mean, look, he gave his runoff pussy. It trumps, uh, anything we're going to get. That's true. I don't get any pussy. I got no pussy. No pussies. I mean, I get my wife's pussy, which I love. I'm thrilled about the pussy. That's a pussy. I love the pussy. Big, big grab and buy it. Um, yeah. I wrote another thing. How about this? Now, how about this for, I'm going to do, this is a first in the history of Tuesdays with Stories stories. Ooh. I'm just going to go ahead and tell somebody else's story because I'm dry as a bone. Wait a minute. But I was so close to the story that I'm commandeering the story. Are they cool with it? Yeah. All right. I think it ran as easy to a similar thing. It didn't end well. So today, this is today, I'm walking, I live in Battery Park City over there, right on the Hudson River. It's as beautiful as the day is long. You can't believe it. Very lovely area. So I'm hanging out with the Bambino. My wife meets up. We're hanging out, the big three. It's you and me and the baby makes three tonight. So we're walking around. There's always this Asian fella fishing. He's the only guy fishing. There's one old crusty man. He's got three fishing rods in the river. Ah, a lot. I don't know where, why, what he's fishing for. Yeah. Compliments. And every time my wife goes, what are you catching the Hudson River? And I'm like this, why don't you Google it? I'm like, you've said that 750 times. What are they catching here? You'd think after the 751st time, you'd go, let me see what's in the Hudson River. That's marriage for you. So today I'm sitting there and Marty's two now. So he's, what's that? What's that sound? He's every, all day, every day. What's that sound? What's that sound? What's that sound? Interesting. So he goes, what's that? I'm like, it's a fishing rod. Just like in your book. Okay. What's that? That's also a fishing rod. What's that? That's a fishing rod. Fishing rod Woodson. I don't know what to say. So then we walked down. He likes throwing the acorns into the river. So we're throwing acorns in the river. It's very fun. I look at the time. Whoa, man, it's Mickey. It's I got Bennington at 12 o'clock. It's 1120. I lost track of time. Jeez. Throwing stones. So I go, shit. I got to go. I love you. Kiss him on the lips. Kiss her on the pussy. I got to jog because I'm late. I'm jogging away. I'm not a hundred feet away. Hmm. It's Sarah. Well, what the fuck's this? I just left. What she already texted me about. Oh, the guy caught a shark. Oh, baby shark. This is a commandeer. This is your story. I mean, it's my story, but I wasn't there for it. I missed it. It's I guess it's my perspective. Shark tank. And you have this moment. I'm like, should I run back? There's a shark on the line. This old man is standing here every fucking day with three rods. I've never seen this guy do anything. I feel like you're allowed to be late on a shark account. Well, it makes me sick to be late. So I'm running through the park. I get the thing. I'm like, what? What? A shark. And she's like, I think it's a great white. It's crazy. She said, it's like this long. It's a foot and a half long. It's gray. It doesn't have teeth yet. It's like a baby shark, shark, shark. Wow. And I guess all these ladies start going, you got to put that back. That's a baby. Let go. And he doesn't speak any English because Sarah's going, what kind of shark is that? And he's just looking like, I don't know. like he doesn't speak any english so the ladies are like put it back you piece of shit and he's like he thinks they're like we want to blow you he has no idea he's got the triangle hat you know he has no idea it's so what they're talking about these ladies because they're like hey that shark will kill you lady like it's kind of the same with the minorities they're like be nice to him like he'll kill you all right cut that well so then marty's going big shark he's like oh it's crazy what's that noise i mean this kid all all he does is read shark this shark that shark nato touch the sharks the sleepy shark shark week so he's seeing a shark in manhattan whoa i missed the manhattan sharks we're very diverse what what's the deal with the manhattan shark wow a shark did sarah get a click click photo you know i didn't ask oh you gotta see the show we gotta post the shark it's a great point all she does is look at fucking tiktok and now there's a baby shark great white or a mediocre white that's me and didn't didn't get a phone i missed it by three minutes oh my god kim jung finn that's not bad yeah kim jung jaws yeah but wow yeah so she saw a shark pulled a shark and she's like i'm telling you it was a great white it was smooth and gray and long with the finn and uh wow shark normand i mean this is and uh i can't believe you gotta get a picture of that with marty in there google baby great white hudson river asian guy ladies yelling at him yeah yeah just the first part but uh what is it i don't know what a baby great white looks like but she was and she does not usually a big communicator but it was just text text text boom boom boom he caught a shark i mean did you bring it up to bennington no no we were talking movies i see but i i fucking i missed it that is really cool and uh shark that's the shark that's once in a lifetime you see there were dolphins in uh the east river last week really yes that's probably why the sharks are there uh maybe eat the dolphin lungren let me see this there it is caught a baby shark on the hudson river there it is holy shit yeah that's exactly what she saw that's cute that's a different spot but did he have a tattoo uh i don't think he has a tattoo this looks like a white guy i mean look at that wow baby shark on the hudson so they're out there jerry well they probably could eat all the italian mob killings but all i can think is i'm going to tuesdays with stories i got nothing we're doing episodes two days in a row i'm sitting there like an idiot without a piece of cake yeah i leave and immediately a shark gets pulled out and there's a whole cultural war going you gotta put that back fuck you what kind of shark is it my son's yelling baby shark i missed the whole thing women are fascinating to see a shark and that's where your brain goes that's a very lady thing because they're very compassionate they're nurturing they want to help right i would go let's get a photo and then eat it right right you know that that guy's making shark lo mein right now there's no doubt about it i would just be like i hope i hope it bites somebody sure sure you know grab the kid move back but you're hoping you want to see a shark bite i guess so yeah don't you and as far as shark bites go that's all right that was too far probably that wasn't bad it's got a little dicey by the way how long were you out here because i feel like we've been out for three hours oh 58 minutes okay i can say i had a spidey sense that we were getting uh close to the end yeah boy that was jaws four did they go four oh there's more than four jaws what are you crazy where are we at with jaws does at least well three is the water park i think he was in a water park oh yeah i didn't jump the shark yeah i mean other three four plus four okay shark five not bad jaws five you know i i people didn't like people gave me shit but i love the australian shark movie did you watch it open water no the new one i was talking about on the show barbarian he doesn't listen to the show no no what's it called listen to the fucking dangerous animals dangerous animals a wacky i saw the premise i turned it off great premise it's a serial killer that it's an australian serial killer who feeds his victims to sharks yeah it's a little much that's a great premise well that asian guy's next what do you like about the premise good premise this felt a little too forced forced you gotta get a shark you gotta you gotta well he doesn't own the shark oh i thought he owned it no no he fucking dangles them he chums he throws the blood in the shit then he hooks him up to a thing a uh what do you call that harness harness and then he lowers them in and the sharks naturally eat them it's australia they eat fucking people left and right that's true it's wild over there i was picturing a doctor evil guy with a tank and he's like putting a lady in like no tank okay thanks for nothing that's not snowflake where are you gonna be fatty um i don't know when does this come out i'm gonna be in dc improv one of the great clubs of all time chocolate sit tat dc so black i thought it's just a duck capital um and then i'll be in new brunswick at the stress factory and then december i'm doing oh louisville in uh years lugger 10 years i think and i think i'm opening for louis in vegas one night louisville and louisville that's good um and then uh tom dusted portrait of a comedian it's out there jerry and i'm loving every minute of it people are out there you can get it for six dollars you get the bundle package for nine dollars that includes a commentary of an extra comedy special of mine whoa uh q and a with bennington another q and a with tony v whoa get the nine dollar package it's great small ball is uh is on there i keep forgetting to promote i stop promoting things i'm an idiot that's gonna it's right on the edge of a mill it's gonna tip over at some point yeah we're getting there and um yeah that's it patreon for christ's sake join the patreon uh yeah i'm i don't know when this comes out either but i'm gonna just throw out europe oslo helsinki stockholm and dublin baltimore dc as well stress factory as well and san diago and minneapolis and i don't know when this comes out either but i'm gonna just throw out europe oslo helsinki stockholm and dublin baltimore dc as well and san diago and minneapolis i'm doing a casino so come on out bring the muslims bring the somalis bring the tamales and uh we'll do it up you got any plugs roop uh yeah if you're interested check out my podcast reviewing history we watch movies based on true stories and you know crack jokes it's fun yeah that's fun that sounds damn all right hopefully you won't ask us but yes thank you folks we'll see you in hell and embrace our we put up legends cry hopelessly watching the music die