#625 Male Man

Hey Mark, fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do. Great. Good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with. Stories! Hit her in the face with a surfboard. And then the duck fell out of his bag! Surf's up! And she didn't even flush. Knock knock. Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe List! Yeah! This is Tuesdays with Stories, everybody. No, that's terrible. This is supposed to be cheesy. Hey folks, here we are. Hey, we're the Monkees. I was about to say that. We don't monkey around. People say we monkey around. We're too busy singing. To put anybody down. We're just trying to be friendly! Too loud? Back in the USSR. I don't know the rest of it. That was a great line in Dumb and Dumber. Underrated line in Dumb and Dumber. Perhaps the most underrated line. But he goes, they got the Monkees. There were big influence on the Beatles. And then he goes, I know. He confirms it. That's great. That's funny, folks. We're here. We got a new producer who doesn't know how to produce. But man, is he fun. And he brought a chicken parm. What a mensch. The fat man himself. Big Sal. Sal accused. The Coos himself is here on the ones and twos. Chuck, what is going on with Chuck? This is the problem with Chuck. I don't listen. So he's like, all right, I'm gone for the next three weeks because I got the big project. And I'm like, congrats on the big project. And then he goes into details. And then he's like, I got to send you a clip of this. He sends me a clip. I'm like, I don't know what the fuck this is. He's working on Star Trek, I think, or Back to the Future 8. Who knows? But God bless him. Keep on working, Chuck. You got to pay the bills. And this is all working out for us. So he sent Rupert. But then Rupert caved through the first floor. We had to spend $30,000 repairing that. I believe it's a sinkhole. Sinkhole through the stinkhole. So now we got Sal. Salicus, who brought a chicken parm the size of my fibula. What a mensch. I mean, who does that? Unbelievable. I asked for a chicken parm. You really asked for it. I mean, I made a joke. You said, should I bring something? What did you say? It was like a joke. I should have said pussy and booze. Yeah, exactly. I'll find the text. I said, tomorrow's going to be fun as hell. And you said, want me to prep anything? I wrote chicken parm. I thought you meant prep like questions or whatever. So the joke was. Food. You're like Ron Burgundy. You have to do whatever's on the text. Yeah. If somebody was like, $1,000 on the line, is Matt going to show up with a chicken parm or not? I would have said, I'll put $2,000 on not, because that would be psychotic. Yeah. And when you walked in, you had a big bag. And I go, what's that? And you're like, chicken parm. Like, what's that for? I didn't even realize, because it was clearly a goof. Well, anyways, yeah, exactly like you said. Next time I'm going to ask for a fucking laptop. Yeah. I mean, you ate that. You ate them. What kind of goof is that? You guys ate the parm. I'll eat anything you bring. Come. Of course I'm going to eat it. It is my favorite food, but it was a bit. It's like if someone says, hey, do you want me to bring you anything? And you say, yeah, yeah, a fucking three-layer birthday cake. And then you show up with a three-layer birthday cake. Yeah. Is that a thing? Three-layer? Seven-layer. Seven-layer? What's that mean? It's a dip, which is seven-layer. What do you call three levels? Yeah, tier? Tier. Yeah, for fear. Tier. People say you're retarded, but I don't see it. All right. I'm getting better. I think you're all right. Three tier. Three tier. Here, here. Three tiers for old Notre Dame. Wake up the echoes. All right. So we're recording back-to-back episodes, not in the same day, but pretty soon. Yeah, yeah. Because you're going to join Al-Qaeda. You got that right. Can you say that? Not there. Oh, boy. I think they might love you if you do that. You can crowd surf. Oh, that's true. I've been saying praise Allah for the past four weeks. 40 years. Maybe that's why you're booked. Maybe that's it. You know, Timmy D, he got axed. He got decapitated. And he still got the deposit. He got axed? He's off the fest. How come? Too many jokes. Wow. Yeah. Let me ask you a question. Yeah, because half the money, and you don't have to do the gig. That's pretty good. His deposit is more than my check. So he got off. He pulled the best gay Yahoo on the planet. Wow. He dressed like a gay. He dressed like a Sikh and destroy, and did a bunch of noises and movements. And now he's off the fest, and he still gets the deposit. But how do they know there's not a fatwa on him? Well, he is a fatwa. Yeah, because I think it's a fatwa. Fatwa. But, you know, he's fat. But they could kill him. That's what I say. I was talking to a friend who's doing it, and I'm like, you know, what if it's a big ruse, and they get you all in one place, and they're like, we've killed your clowns. Oh, my God. And they're killing some good ones. Bill Burr. Kevin Hart. Louie. Yeah, so watch out. But especially if you're fucking around too much, and now that you're fired. That's a good point. Well, he better stay off the roof shows, if you know what I mean. They'll throw that gay right onto the pavement. Well, luckily, he's tough to pick up. He's got some heft on him. Yeah, he's a large fatwa. There he is. See, with the tiger and everything. Oh, so he did a big thing, and then they got rid of him. Yeah. Good for him. That's funny. He doesn't. He paid the money. So he gets to stay here and get paid, and doesn't have to go anywhere. Pretty well done, but we'll see if he gets his hands cut off. But I'd be nervous. Yeah, they could chop him right up and feed me to the poor. Departed? Chop you up and feed me to the poor? Yeah, we shit on the departed last week, but it's fun to shit on. Oh, yeah, a lot of silly lines. Well, anyway, so we're doing back-to-back episodes. I have very little for this one. Tomorrow, I'm going to be fresh out, empty. Yeah, the well is damp. It's going to be dry tomorrow. But I got a couple nuggets. All right, well, Denver Nuggets. Chicken nuggets. Is that Spike Lee? I'm not even joking. I think Spike Lee's walking by. Holy hell, he's looking on hard times. That looks like Spike. That's tall Spike. I heard his movie is the biggest bag of shit of all time. And it flopped a roo. Well, everything flops now. But also, did we talk about this? I'm all fucked up because we've recorded episodes. It's good to see it. Kevin Bacon and Kira Wedwick. He can't go to Saudi. Oh, the Bacon. There you go. Are you aching? Yep, yep, yep. Or some bacon. Lion King. I like it. They did a talking face. If you go to Kevin Bacon's Instagram, it's him and his wife. And she's crying. It's so Hollywood. She's like, what a film. They're in front of the poster. She's like, the choices they made. Oh, yeah, you did talk about that. Just beautiful. Did I say this on air? Yeah, yeah. Oh, no. Sedgwick, great cans, underrated cans. Oh, boy. It's all right. It's worth repeating. I mean, he lives a half a block away. Kevin Bacon? Spike. Oh, Spike. Well, I can't repeat. They're not kind to repeats, these people. No, no. If we ever got dementia, we'd be fucked. I think we might have it. That's true. Dimension it. Looking forward to senility. Wait, wait. So, yeah, the movie bomb. But everything's going to bomb. Like the new PTA they spent 200 mil on, it's going to make 40 back. They haven't learned yet? Well, I don't know how to. No one knows how to make money. But my friend, our friend. Danny Frankel over at Punch-Up, he keeps saying to me, he's like, you should be pitching. You figured it out. Because, fortune of a comedian, we made our money back. We're in the black or the red. Which one's good? We're in the black out here. Black is good. We? Red is bad. We made our money back? You didn't spend any money. He had to fly there. I spent the money. I didn't. I spent my own money. No, no, no. This is the kind of thing that will make me take my shoes off, put them on my hands, and stomp you out like a spider. I tried to pay you. You said, I don't want money. Don't need money. Don't want any money. And then, now you're going to use it against me three years later? And with a palm. What the fuck is that? Growing on trees. I had to pay for two chicken palms today. The worst kind of person. The worst kind of behavior. Oh, man. Do a solid and then bring it up years later. Wow. I spent $30,000 and was happy to pay you. And you said, hey, don't pay me. And I said, what are you, crazy? You're the greatest guy. I can't believe it. I can't believe it. Footage is out of focus. You're like Buscemi in Billy Madison. You got a list. You put on lipstick and then you cross out. He owes me $38 for that chicken palm. He owes me $1,500 for the Key West trip. What am I supposed to do? Roll up the cash and slip it in your pocket when you're not looking? I asked you if you wanted money. You said you don't want money. By the way, we're doing the Skank Fest, Doc. I go, what can I get you for? You know, keep in mind, small budget. He quotes me. You should see the numbers. You'd fall over. What are we talking? Four figures. A day. Oh, wait. What happened? True. I get $750 a day, which is standard for a camera guy. Factor in the hotel and the flights. $1,000 a day. You know, it's like It's a Wonderful Life when he's like, all right, everyone, just take what you can get because I'm dying over here. I'm about to lose my fucking house and business. And there's the one guy that's like, I want every penny. Yeah. And he's like, come on. Hit me straight. And then the black lady comes in. She's like, give me five cents. And he kisses her on the lips, which I think you can get executed for. Back then, for sure. Yeah. And the future. We'll see. Every black woman in the 20s was fat. Oh, yeah. Good point. And, you know, those numbers aren't proven all that much from the window of the view over here. Diabetes. We're kidding. You look great. But anyway, so, yeah, he's half my budget for the next film. He's busting my balls for the last film. But when you think about it, if you pay him for this one, you're getting half off. That's not bad. Uh-huh. That's one way to look at it. Yeah, that's true. Camera! Timbermen don't make their money back. You get paid for the service. Yeah, you're not a producer. You're not a, well, you're an associate producer, but you're not a, you know what I mean? You're not an investor. Look at his face. Like he's getting one over. You asked for no money. Well, maybe you're thinking, hey, I'll ask for no money in the early days. And then once you rehire me, now I'm getting paid. He had no money to make the first one. I didn't want to take any money. I thought he was going to lose money on the project. So I was like, I'm not going to. Everyone thought I was going to lose money. But you know what? A Dream Believer. Also a monkey's song. Yeah, there you go. Last train to Clarksville. Ah, okay. Well. Snarksville. Maybe you pay him for this one and everybody wins. I am paying him. I'm paying him $900 a day. Oh, so you agreed. Should I not have? No. Maybe I should have countered. Get Chuck. Oh, God. We got Chuck. We got a hell of a crew. If you like middle-aged, balding, white guys with bad posture, you're going to love this film. Oh, yeah. You're going to love this crew anyways. Yeah, you're going to love our whole friend group. It's going to be fun. But yeah, we got Chuck. We got Lex, who's been shot. Oh, yeah. That's right. Salacuse, who carries mace. And Chuck, who's gay. All doughy. Shelby was pretty lean. Shelby? He can't get to New Orleans. What are you, crazy? That's true. We have to fold him up and put him in a bag like a stowaway. Put him in a military coffin. But yeah, all right. Well, I can't wait to see the movie, and I can't wait for Skankfest. That's going to be a hoot. It's right around the anal. I know. We haven't booked any. Whatever. I don't want to get into that. But we'll get it figured out. You've been there, right? Oh, yeah. Well, I'm missing. I'm there Saturday, Sunday. I'm missing Friday because of a gig. You and Soder always miss it. I get there every week or every year, but it's the one day. One day, yeah. So I'm getting two. And it's my hometown. I don't need to go back. That'll be fun. Are you staying down there, or are you staying away? I'm staying down there. I'm not even telling my parents about it. Good idea. I got a whole parental chunk on here, Fatty, that'll really chap your scrotum. Oh, yeah, because you predicted what it would be like with the parents. Good tease. So hit us. Hit us with it. Well, I mean, we've got to start from the start here. Please. First things first. So they fuck. Yeah. So then they meet. They fuck. I was an aborted, but I've made it through. No. So first off, going to Saudi Arabia to join ISIS. Then got to get a new passport. Expired. And I said, well, while I'm going to the DMV, I might as well get the real ID, dog. Yeah, that sounds like a hip-hop guy. Yeah, I'm the real ID. I'm the real ID, as you can see. N-word something, something, something, N-word again. Yeah. So I go down to the DMV. Now, I look on ChatGB Anal, and it says, hey, you've got to have a passport. You've got to have a Social Security card. You've got to have some identification and a letter of proof of residence. That's how they get you. So I sift through, find a little bank statement. All right, we're back. I go to the DMV. I wait two hours. By the way, DMV, appointment only now. Yeah. Yes, I had to do this recently, yeah. So it's a whole different ballgame. So I show up, and the lady's like, what's your appointment? To the guy in front of me. And I was like, oh, I don't have an appointment. So I see on the wall, it says, make an appointment. I made one right then. Oh, that's good. Quick. Made the appointment. Got in. Wait two hours. You know, they send you the photo. You've got to get a photo, a passport photo. They send you here. You've got to get that. Finally get to the window. Lady's very nice. She was African-American persuasion, heavy set. As we mentioned before. Uh-oh. Recording's over. Oh, God. Chuck blew it. We hired the wrong guy. So get up to the window. She goes, you got the proof of residence? Yeah, I got the passport. Yeah, you got the, yeah, yeah. You got a W-2? I go, I don't have a W-2. She goes, you got to have a W-2. And I go, what are you talking about? Chat GBT doesn't say that. She goes, I don't know no Chat GBT. You need a W-2. And I go, I got one on my phone. I pull one up quick. She goes, hey, all right. You need to print it. I go, can you print it? She goes, we can't print it. But go down to UPS down there. They'll print it out and come right back. And I was like, do I have to wait in line again? I've been here two hours. She's like, no, you don't have to wait in line. I look at my phone. It's 4.45 PM. They closed at 5? Yes. I'll never make it. So I had to go back the next day. But I got it. It's in the mail. It's coming. OK. But the DVD really is hell. And it's fascinating because you see every form of humanity. You got the Hasidic Jew. You got the hot Puerto Rican chick. You got the fat black lady. You got the ghetto guy. You got the white guy in the suit. You got the little girl. It's everything. Yeah. It's really something else. It's like speed, the bus. Well, the bus is very diverse in speed. Oh, yeah. That's true. I guess. Right? Sort of. Oh, God. Salacuse is pulling it up. Well, they had Cameron. You got Cameron Frye. You got a Muslim woman. You got a deaf guy. You got a Latino guy. I don't know if he was deaf. But you got a fat old lady. You got a little bit of everything in there, right? Yeah. A lot of Muslim women in the DMV, by the way. And I watched them take the photo because they have to lift. Oh, wow. It's like Girls Gone Wild. Yeah. Exactly. Exactly. And so I was like peeking in. And you could tell one of the husbands was like trying to box me out. I'm like, I'm looking. So I got a nice peek at old Akbar. What was I going to say? Oh, I had to do this recently. I have to say it was quite pleasant for me. What? Though I got turned down for the real ID because I was missing a piece of paper because I still have a Massachusetts license. I never switched. So now I have to do the opposite. I have to prove I'm still in Massachusetts, but I'm not. Right. So all my papers say New York. So I showed up with a birth certificate and a $20 bill and my first headshot. And they were like, get out of here. But I have a passport card. So I don't have a real ID, but I have the passport. And the lady, skinny black lady, was like, Ooh. Oh, she's like, sugar, you don't need no real ID if you got your passport. And I said, all right, well, I got my passport. And she said, oh, get the fuck out of here, motherfucker. All right, great. That worked out. She was very friendly. Yeah, but I had the appointment. It was very little wait. Really? Absolutely. You went downtown? No, I'm telling you, this is Massachusetts. This is in Brockton, Massachusetts. That's a good one. Yeah. By the way, the whole, every counter is like 25 windows, all black women. Yeah, I think that's a black lady job. It's a cultural thing. It's a black lady job. Yeah, I think so. Nothing against it. Just. Black lady job. It's a BLJ. Where's the diversity, by the way? Good point. Oh, shit. And then you go to the, I go to the mail house. What do you call that? The post office. No, it's a gay bar. The mail house. Ah, yes. Yeah, the post office. That's all white where I'm at. Really? Well, that was a story. I haven't been to the mail house in a while downtown. Okay. Mailman, post office. Mailman? Redundant. You see, this is how you get to the top. Mailman. That's big. Okay. A mailman. A female woman. Yes, exactly. You hear about a mailman, you don't hear about a female woman. What's the deal with that? What about a tomboy? It's already tomb. We know it's a boy. Okay. This is better than anything you've got. We're cooking. Let me call Jerry. So, yeah. I did that bit. Got all the good stuff. Now, here's the meat. Hopefully, we get some meat. For God's sakes. Sorry, that went nowhere. There's a lot of salad. That's salad goose. Salad goose. Toss salad. And scrambled eggs. So, now we get the big weekend that I've been dreading for six months and a half. I'm taping a special this weekend. Hey! So, I feel like the weekend before was like, you're going to go through a little hell. Then, it'll be good on the other side. Sure. Now, this is a good lesson in just gritting your teeth and bearing it when you have to. Grit and bear. Grit and bear. Grit and bear it. So, it's Huntsville Friday. NASA. Alabama. Hattiesburg Saturday. Now, Huntsville, that's a tough market. Oh, yeah. That is a deep Alabama. You've got to take two flights. And it's a bunch of redneck good old boys mixed with the NASA autistic engineers mixed with like southern black folk. It's a tough room. Yeah. I've done it a few times. And, you know, we're like special. We're like special event people, which means they don't give away free tickets. And you really find out about yourself when you go to Huntsville and it's a special event. You ain't lying. It wasn't all that special. No. It was a special needs event. There was like 14 retards in me. Yeah. That's my demo. So, I get to the airport, me and Sean Murphy, my opener, and I go, we've got to get a rental car because we're driving to Hattiesburg. Uh-huh. So, we get to the rental place. Have you had this? Enterprise. She goes, license. Okay. Whatever. Okay. Credit card. Proof of insurance. And I go, oh, proof of insurance. Geico? I just threw one out there. That's what I do. Oh, really? Yeah. And then she goes, all right, what's your claim number? And I go, I don't know, six? And she was like- I've never heard this in my life. Yeah. And I go, and she goes, what? No. Seriously, what's going on here? What's your insurance? You got an insurance card? I'm like- Six. I'm like, I've never been asked this. And she goes, you got to have insurance. And I go, I'll take it without insurance. And she goes, well, what's going to happen? I go, I'll pay for it. She goes, no, no. We can't give you a car without insurance. Have you ever heard of this? Well, you got to pay for their insurance. But no, you have the option to say, fuck you. I don't want any insurance. Yeah. I always do that. Well, I always- I've never had them ask for a claim number. They say, do you want insurance? And I say, no, I have my own car insurance. She says, what company? And I say, Geico. And then she goes- And that's it? That's it. And I rent a car almost every single week. Well, I think she could tell. I was like, Geico? Right. So then she was like, what's the number? Maybe that. So I couldn't rent the car. You don't have car insurance? Nah, I'm riding dirty. Oh, boy. Oh, yeah. Don't get me started on brake tags. So Sean had to pick up the reservation. He had to get the car. Wow. I mean, I've never heard of that in my entire life. Maybe she didn't like your look, the cut of your jib. I get that. Or maybe she knows your comedy or something. Yeah, that's fair. Because I've never heard of that. Literally, as long as they write down, their ass is covered. Exactly. Because then even if you don't have insurance, then when you wreck the car, they go, okay, well, your insurance is covered. And you go, I don't have insurance. I was just kidding. They go, all right, well, you owe $75 million. Fuck your mother and call it a love story. Yeah. I should have done my mailman bit for her. Either way. So we get the car. We start driving. We go straight to the theater because it's a six-hour drive from Huntsville to Hattiesburg. So we're going to break it up. Okay. So we get no hotel in Huntsville. We go to the show. And 7 o'clock, it's like the National Arts Center of Huntsville. They don't sell it out. Tough market. So we go, all right, let's just try to have fun here. Knock it out. Here we go. Sean walks out. A guy in the front row starts going, queef, queef, queef, queef. Just like that. Like, he wouldn't stop. And Sean, you know, he's walking to the mic and there's music playing. So he's like, okay, buddy, I got it. Assuming he'll stop. He grabs the mic. Hey, everybody, here we are. Good to be here. Queef, queef, queef, queef. And he's like, okay, sir, we got it. Let me just start the show. Let me just start the show here. Queef, he won't stop. So I go up to the sound booth guy. I go, throw him out. You know the guy with the headset on the side of the stage? There's always one guy. I go, throw him out. Throw him out. This is crazy. Sounds like this guy's mother took a couple of Tylenol when she was pregnant. Yeah, exactly. Antihistamine? Sedaminophen. Sedaminophen. Thank you. Antihistamine. Yeah, that's Benadryl. So I go, throw him out. They go, all right, all right, hold on. And you get, like, secure. It's a big theater, so there's security, like, sitting on the edge of the stage, which I always found off-putting. There's, like, three guys just sitting, staring at the crowd like this. Seriously? What are you, a rock band? Wow, I don't know. That's for, like, crowd surfing. They send them back. You don't need that at a comedy show. I've seen them. They're in the theaters a lot. They just sit on the edge of the stage, like, monitoring. And now you have to stare at some black guy not laughing, like, four inches away from you. That's crazy. It's horrible. I thought that was just, like, Metallica, and it was for the pit if they tried to come up. They got it out there. Wow. Tell them. You're in charge. You say, hey, go sit over there, you fat fucking sad fuck. I don't want to yell at the help. They go, all right, we're on it. We're on it. Hey, Robbie, Billy, Scotty, get down there and throw out the guy. So I'm like, god damn. So the guy stops, and then Sean goes into his act. But you can tell he's sweating. He's talking fat. They're not really picking up his vibe, whatever. He has a bit about drag queens I didn't care for. But whatever. So I'm walking. I do my thing where I pace behind the curtain. That's my move. For sure. I listen to the show, listen to the crowd. I'm on the stage, but not on the stage. No one can see me. So I come back five minutes later to the headset guy, and I go, how'd it go? Did you throw him out? Did he put up a fight? And they go, we never threw him out. I said, throw him out. He goes, we couldn't find him. I go, you couldn't find the guy in the front row yelling queef over and over? So they never threw the guy out. So, but he stopped. So I'm like, all right, fuck it. So Sean goes short, because the crowd's tough, brings me up, chatty, talky, whatever, and the whole time, you can't pause, because you're worried this guy's going to start screaming. It's the worst. It's like I always say, I always use the analogy, well, it's Sarah's analogy originally. I always steal it from her. It's like when you're counting money, and someone's going 31, 49, 75. Yes, yes, yes, exactly. And you're like, fuck you, motherfucker. Great analogy. Thank you. My life is nice. Yes. So that was brutal. And then you hate to be this guy, but you're like, I'm a Southern man. I'm from the country. Great state of Louisiana. Damn, the South can be, I felt like the Blues Brothers with the chicken wire. Chicken wire? Yeah, just getting glass thrown at me. I'm like, all right, buddy. It's a bunch of good old boys with pots and pans and the slot. What do you call that thing? The washboard. The washboard. Or the spoons. So that was a tough, tough show. And then we did the meet and greet after, which is always a treat, where they go, fuck those guys. We liked it. We liked it. Those guys were crazy. We're cool. I know that guy. He's my brother. He's a little off, whatever. So Sean gets a DM. We're driving to Hattiesburg. Sean gets a DM from a guy going, I'm at the bar with the Queef guy. He's in a headlock, and he's about to get tased. Come on. He was in a blackout or something. Oh, that's fantastic. I know. I would have turned around to go check it out. I thought about it, but it was a win. Headlock is such a classic move. You just have him down here. I picture a boogie. Yes. Yes. So that was Huntsville. So then we hit the highway. Can I just tell a quick story? It reminds me of one of Henry's great stories. Henry Phillips, who's got the best comedy stories. He's doing the same thing. Guy heckling. He's like, hey, can we get that guy to the opener? He's like, can we throw that guy out? And then Henry's about to go on stage. It's like 20 minutes later, and he's like, wait, is that the guy? And they're like, yeah. And he's like, I said, you got to throw him out. And they're like, yeah, you didn't want to go. And he's like, but you're the bouncer. That's your job. Of course he doesn't want to go. You got to get him out of there. Nobody wants to go. No, I didn't feel like it. He didn't want to. We asked him. He just said no. So you're going to have to deal with that. Magic cop's doing that. Hey, he didn't want to go to jail. We let him keep wheeling the knife. That's what the people want sometimes. Yeah. I don't want to digress. So yeah. Now we get a little sleepy because we got a six-hour drive here, and it's 10 at night. Sure. We stop in Birmingham to hit the headlight. Hey. Oh, Birmingham. Yeah. Birthplace of Ozzy Osbourne. Ooh. Birmingham. That's the joke. That's the joke. I'm aware that Ozzy's not from Alabama. Thank you, Matt. Thanks for piping in there. Roy Wood Jr., Birmingham. He is funny. Funny guy. I was driving to a gig. I had XM Radio on. Man, he came on. He is aces, that guy. Funny cat. He's as funny as it gets. Yeah. Drive to Birmingham, pass out, get to Hattiesburg the next day. Now, I got a lot on my plate here. I got every jerk-off high school college buddy coming because it's two hours from New Orleans. Oh, boy. Then I got my bodega cat rep. Oh, that's right. Who does the southern wing. Then I got my parents. Oh, boy. Now, my parents, they do this classic move. They go, we're going to meet you before the show. We'll pop in. I know you're busy with your show bullshit. So, we'll pop in. We'll pop out. We'll get our seats. And then we'll drive back to New Orleans. And I go, I appreciate it. Thank you. It'll be good to see you. I can't wait. I pull up to Hattiesburg at the Sanger Theater at like 4.05 p.m. Okay. I see my parents walking around shaking the doors of the Sanger. They're like trying to get in. Oh, my God. It's 4.05. They go, we'll pop in for a minute. It's 4.05. The show isn't for like three hours plus. Oh, Jesus. So, I'm like, ah. And your first instinct is like, fuck it. Let's get out of here. Yeah, yeah. Roll up the windows. Yeah, yeah. I'm going to drive like this. So, but you know, it's your parents. So, you're like, mom. Hey, mom. And she's like, oh, hey. We got here a little early. We don't know what to do. Do you want to get, do you want to, our plan was to do the show, get dinner, drive home. I picture them with big cable cutters trying to get in there. My dad's doing this one in the window. And. So, they go, you still want to eat after? And I'm like, yeah, we'll eat after. And she goes, we want to eat now. And I go, all right, we'll eat now. So, me and her and my dad go to a shrimp shack. We get some food. And then, they don't know where to, they have nowhere to go. So, I go, you want to sit in the green room for a while? And they're like, we'll sit in the green for a little while. Then we'll get out of your hair. We know it's a big show. So, what are they going to do? Just walk around? I don't know what their plan was. Your dad's got those big shoes. Big, clunky, orthopedic shoes. So, and a pocket protector, by the way, which is something I thought was only in the movies. Wow. He's got eight pens. What's all the writing? What are you doing? What does he Seinfeld pretends to be? So, got them in the green room. I whip out the veggie tray. They love the veggie tray. Got to love the veggie tray. Big fan of the carrots. We love the carrots. Okay. So, then, show's at seven. So, I go, I got to shower. You know? Because I shower in the dressing room. And they go, yeah, shower. We'll get out of your hair. Now, it's, you know, 545. They sat there from 545 to 659 p.m. Show's at seven. Never got a break. Never left. And the bodega guy's like, you got to sign some bottles. We got to shoot some videos. We got to get some photos of you holding the bottle. So, all this is going on. And my parents are like, how much is that retail? And my friend's like, I don't know, 40 bucks. And they're like, god damn, 40 bucks. That's crazy. That's crazy. Whose whiskey is this? And I'm like, it's my whiskey. And they're like, you have a whiskey? So, it's just a whole thing. Is Murphy sitting there this whole time? Sitting there the whole time. Does he talk to him? No. Does he try to? Oh, that's a bad opener. Bad friend. Well, he's a good guy. But he's just like. Well, of course, he's a good guy. But come on, Murph. I know. I needed some buffer. Oh, yeah. Murphy should be pulling his thumbs off and doing card tricks. I wish you were there. And asking him to tell the story of their whole life. We could have used you, Fatty. I would have really had him. I had $8,000. plate spinning the bodega the signing my mom my dad the butler brutal so meanwhile all this is going on door kicks open eight drunk retards and polo shirts it's all my college buddies they come in they go where's the booze where's the hookers they get me in a headlock my dad's yelling queef queef queef my mom's getting raped it's a whole thing and uh murphy's like what was the crazy night i think i'm gonna go in my dressing room he leaves so i'm just like murph so no shower no nothing and then 659 they finally leave so you're like i'm gonna look at my notes for eight seconds maybe try to write a bit about alabama so are they going into the showroom they're watching the show they finally go into the seats wow and uh i hope they're in the back somewhere i hope so too so i tell my friend my my drunk college buddy i go are you sitting near them he goes yeah i think i'm literally next to your parents i go watch what they laugh at i'm just curious just give me like a a review later what they like what they didn't like blah blah blah and he goes no problem sits next to him full hour i do a full hour my new hour that i'm taping and i see him after and i go give me the goods he goes your parents didn't laugh once and you brought up charlie kirk at the end and your dad goes don't do it that's pretty good that's the only thing that was spoken or uttered wow cow water boy yeah well maybe they were tired at that point they've been there for hours you know their butts hurt they probably had to piss yeah i had a mouthful of veggie tray they had a lot going on oh boy hey folks two stories brought to you by raycon it's raycon's anniversary and they are celebrating by making their everyday earbuds classics 20 off wow reliable super comfortable and portable these have been a fan favorite since day one the everyday earbuds classics are packed with upgrades like active noise cancellation multi-point connectivity and ergonomic fit it actually stays put no matter what 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let's get back to the program what are you gonna do so uh now my friends are like they don't want to sit through an hour and a half comedy show of me they just want to party right so they're like we got a boathouse out here my friend lives on a lake we got 18 cases two goats and a virgin let's get over there and i go i can't i gotta drive back to new orleans with the mom and pop now my parents getting old so their driving isn't great sure so i go let me let me drive so there's a fight there no you had a drink i'm like i had one drink which was a drink i had a drink and i was like oh my god i'm gonna just better than you're driving any day right so my dad goes all right but don't speed and i go no problem so the speed limit is 70 i'm at 69 70 just teetering and he's watching oh boy the speedometer the whole time and if i hit 71 he was like whoa whoa whoa slow it down uh andretti and i'm like all right so that was a long two hours now i imagine with his shoes you'd be doing a buck 80 the whole time that's true he's got 40 pound shoes a heavy foot literally lead feet literally literally you notice the shoes oh i noticed the shoes he looked like gene simmons at the wedding yeah my dad's david bowie over here but uh yeah just that 10 and 2 70 71 you know hit the brake trying to drive clean the whole way you know what you gotta do you gotta do uh cruise control i thought 69 and then put your foot on his lap there he is with the limp he looks amazing right there that is a great photo look at that photo that's a great photo that's a great photo that's that you salicus i think chuck took that that is spectacular that is really something yeah that's a damn good photo you got some some real pearls at the wedding that was the best weekend of my whole life that was the party and your wedding i cannot wait to do them both again should be three four years very excited uh those were two of the great weekends of my whole life hey appreciate it hey who bet you i had a great time remember that last dinner at the bachelor party that was a really special we made it at home we had the big long table i mean i don't yeah it was spectacular and one guy was missing it was beautiful very good time yeah love that thai food so uh even the rosa was fun the rosa was amazing we're trying to get him to light a fart on fire he'd never done it before he's like 49 he's like can you really light a fart on fire he's hungarian or whatever the fuck he is he's all furry egyptian egypt hungary same place they're right across the street from each other he's adopted they didn't want him he was that was fucking glorious we had i'll never get over it it was awful what a what a concept hey party for a weekend fishing strippers food drugs beach now you and louis ck are gonna fly to do joe rogan i took two flights on three hours sleep i was like basically hung over i was my brain was splitting and that was horrible then you have to do the biggest radio show of all time with one of the great comics luckily i didn't have to say anything at all louis oh you got some laughs on that i listened maybe no no it's good i got a couple uh nobody understood i was trying to be funny no i was like i gotta piss will you guys be okay without me well like what are you crazy that's the rogan way of course we will be yeah i like yeah you can read this mark what do you got for posterity what are we just read that for posterity oh you ready for this what is this are you sending texts no no no no this is it's a tweet from 2018 tweet from 2018 from the norm mcdonald one of the best comedians of all time when i began stand-up there were 505 good ones 500 comics there are 5 000 comics and five good ones this is 500 all right all right there are now 50 000 and five good ones one is fantastic joe list comedy he tagged you you can who can be seen and must be seen on the new season of stand-ups on netflix march 23rd 2018 how about that norm mcdonald wow how's about that there's a couple other joe list tweets from norm mcdonald too i might add how do you not have that frame joe i don't know framed frame that i don't put that on a wall a tweet what am i gonna put it on paper it's called an uh what are the hbp what do they call those hbp no idea hpv oh i know what you're talking about dmt what is that yeah yeah you said jz dmz fcc no it's called a uh that's not even letters is it maybe not a letter i don't think it's letters It's called, oh, maybe it is Letters. You know what it is You sell it It's like you take a photo of yours And you sell it as a thing They try to explain it to me I don't know what the fuck they're talking about NFT NFT Yes I don't Someone's NFT and the coin money What the fuck that's called Bitcoin People have sat And explained it to me For 45 minutes Each time I'm like I don't know what the fuck You're talking about Same here What about stocks I don't even get stocks Cause they go You own a share of the company I'm like what's a share Stocks I kinda get I mean you have a piece Of the company Like I mean You know Matt thinks he has a piece Of the movie Cause he worked on it But he doesn't That stock is plummeting Well the share You know The Dow There's the Dow Jones Obviously you know Dow Jones He's a cool black guy And uh Nasdaq That's his agent Ah the Jew You know So They go up and down The S&P I can go up and down A seesaw goes up and down I don't know what that means I own stock And I don't get it S&P is Spanish and Portuguese That's what you gotta know So it goes up And then it goes down But it always goes up again Syndrome Okay That's the thing So the money So it does go up again Oh it goes up baby It's all a long line If you look at it It goes up and down But then keeps going up I know that Alright alright Well I own some And you own some I got some So hopefully it goes up And we cash out Like a poker game Yeah cause if it goes down People wanna get out But then if you get out You're not there When it gets back in Yeah but you gotta get out Eventually Or else you're just Leaving it in Till you die And then you don't have any money Well I think your kids get it I don't know I just did my taxes And I gotta do all the stuff The retirement The tax The other tax Which is always a bummer Cause you're like Cause you don't have a job Where it just takes it Out of your thing Exactly Cause at the end of the year They're like You owe him 400,000 You owe him 700,000 You owe your mother 800,000 That's not a payment That's a jack New Jack City Chris Ross Oh That's crazy You sure are Boy we will throw out Some references Now may I just say That was very nice I'm touched Norm What the hell Did that have to do With anything we're Talking about over here I have no idea We're driving out To New Orleans With your father In his wacky shoes That was a low point In the show I just thought I'd bring it in You're a low point In the show This is a low point Alright Yeah Bring back Shelby I love Shelby You know what it is Chuck This is Here's a big metaphor Chuck Is George W. Bush You think he's a War mongering Retard Piece of shit You hope he dies You march to get rid of him Then you bring in Salicucia You're like Give me back Bush I want W back Those were good times He could paint He threw a baseball He had a cowboy hat He was He was charming Boy that 9-11 Was fun With the megaphone And the eagle flying in He threw a strike That's my kind of guy Hell yeah Fool me once You're not gonna get fooled again Now watch this drive Now watch this drive The shoe duck I mean those were great times Oh I haven't seen a slip like that Since my dad at Walmart Oh yeah Those shoes Banana Peel You slip on a banana peel I got it Yeah right Yeah so But the whole time It was just the longest night Of my life Where you're like This green room Couldn't be worse Then you're like I just gotta get through This hour Set They're staring at me They're not laughing Gotta get through the hour Then it's like Gotta get through the car ride Then it was like Alright wake up They're gonna drive me To the airport Does your mom do this? My mom drove me To the airport the next day We leave four hours early And she goes This is her time To just trash my dad Oh That's nice You know the vent set That's fun It's fun to think about That's what May does You know Oh of course She drives someone to the airport Just so she can be like Mark's a piece of shit He's got a tiny dick His ears are weird His axe stinks His face is Gay His ass is fat Then someone sends me The episode I listen to it So But no My mother does not Drive me to the airport But she'll Criticize my dad A little bit But not too much So what do you do Uber from Whitman? Well I never fly Out of Boston That's the thing It's so close to New York I'm always driving Or taking the Amtrak I guess they would Drive me to the Amtrak Okay But it would be dead My dad would do the driving It would be dead silent And you go Hey How about those Mets? A little bit I'd try I'll work the radio dial A little bit I'll try Oh how about These socks? Yep Alright He's one of those Yeah He'll do this a lot Scooby-Doo-Boop-Boop He doesn't say words He goes like Scooby-Doo Sarah has a story She walked in one time She had We were cooking marshmallows This is up in Maine And she got like Marshmallow all over And she was She walked in He was washing the dishes And so they're the only two in there And he's like She's like Steve I'm covered in marshmallows Crazy And he just didn't respond He's like a ghost Yeah He looks and he's like That's so funny Our parents are so similar My mom doesn't respond May told her this long story But I just got molested And eaten out And my mom was like Did you guys wear a jacket tonight? Is it gonna be cold out? And May looked at me like I'm bombing here And I was like Welcome to my childhood Yeah it's rough Sarah's mother's the same way She's British I said one time You have great style Great taste Everything is so well designed And she looked at me Literally looked at me And I was like A beat And then Left the room What is that? Cause I'm worried You go Hey you got great style I go Whoa mama Hey thank you I overdo it Right right Yeah you gotta say Something I don't know It's just It's crazy And I'm so Conscious of it now Anyone says anything I'm like Whoa hey Yeah yeah I just start making noises At the very least And if someone doesn't You always go Nothing Nothing on that Right right Which I guess is like Hey don't put me through this Right hello Any words Yeah So yeah I got back And I'll tell you I got back to the airport In New Orleans Hit that lounge Murphy's in there Never been more glorious Of feeling Oh yeah Just being like Ah I did it And look My parents are good eggs They're great people But you know what it is The stand up portion of our life Is I feel precious We honed it We worked on it So when you When you Spoil that It sucks Right You can ruin my Thanksgiving You can ruin my My first Virginity loss You can ruin my My graduation Don't fuck with stand up Yeah No I I know what you mean It is Because it brings that Fucking This different World in there And you're like I needed this Yeah this is my safe Gay Mailman Right Yeah yeah It is Yeah it's tough Because family It's like the Costanza It's like two worlds colliding You need to You need You need You need separation Separate but equal Or church and state Yeah What the hell does that mean? Separation Segregation? I don't know That's different right? Segregation's different That's better Yeah those are good times Okay But yeah So Did it And this weekend It's glorious We got some sold out shows Gonna shoot a special Sally's coming Where is it again? Boulder, Colorado That's right We sold a bunch of shows Shows there So we said Fuck it let's do it there But I'm a little nervous Because everybody's like Watch out Betty They are crunchy I'm talking armpit hair Right Even their armpit hair is blue So we'll see No that'll be great It's a theater Yeah What's that? What are we talking? Like I think like 11 hun Okay nice Yeah like a Wilbur That's gonna be Hella nice Is that what the kids say? Gonna be lunch And how many shows are you doing? Three Okay Yeah yeah And filming all three Oh yeah That's beautiful That's perfect Yeah Yes thank you It's gonna be fantastic Who's on the digits? The ones and twos I got a guy named Jordan Levy He's good He's good I know Levy Same initials That's right Absolutely Jay Leno So yeah that'll be fun Ari It was one of these Ari pushes You gotta get Levy I'm like alright alright Last time somebody pushed A filmer on me Well we won't get into it It was Salicus Oh boy And I haven't been able To get rid of him I know you got all your clingers Oh The Norman clingers Big clingers We call them Bunch of clingers We got clingons everywhere Clingons They look like clingons If you ask me Did you ever watch Star Trek I really wanted to yank that forehead Didn't you want to yank it? I liked the Christopher Lloyd clingon Which was exciting That blew my mind That's the original clingon Pull it up That's really from Taxi? Yeah Back to the Future What? Aren't those the clingons? No the Vulcans The clingons? No the clingons Clingons are brown Yeah that's Christopher Lloyd Oh really? Isn't that Star Trek 3 I think? He's the head guy What? I had no idea that was Lloyd How about that? I think he's the head clingon Right? He looks like Salicus Oh god Star Trek 3 Yeah yeah I know what I'm talking about Yeah Lloyd Probably the best one Wow Cause yeah And that blew my mind Because when I was a kid My dad was into Star Trek So we'd watch Star Trek But obviously I was obsessed With Back to the Future Sure sure And when I found out Clingon Was Doc Right I shit blood For two months I never do that And I'm shitting blood Shitting blood as we speak Alright I gotta put a towel down And get a tampon in my ass I don't understand Why you get a towel But yeah Lloyd's good Oh yeah Love Lloyd We tried to get him In 4th of July And he was like The part's way too small And I would never do this And we sent Louis sent him a letter Like you gotta be in this movie You're gonna be great It's gonna be awesome And then when you look At the script You're like The grandfather says two things Yeah it's true And you're kinda like this As soon as he says no You're like Why the hell did we do that? That was crazy Yeah that makes sense Yeah Yeah, they've been nice, though. Well, the Charlie Sheen doc, he gets out of rehab. And they're throwing scripts at him, and he's back on the scene, and he's like, this is weak, a supporting role. And I remember thinking, who does this guy think he is? You're a crackhead. You're lucky you're getting any gigs. That's true, but I mean, he was at the top. Platoon. Platoon, Wall Street. Best picture, 86. Major League. Major League, 89. Wall Street, 87. Yeah, he was a cute little Mexican kid, too. Tylenol. Yeah, Major League was great. Ricky Vaughn. There's a scene where Denise Richards, his wife, is banging all these hookers. She walks in. He's got a couple of hookers at the house, and she goes, oh, my God, and she makes them all sandwiches. How about that? How about with a wife? And then she goes- She's like the Salicus of wives. Yes, yes, exactly. What a chicken parm, I'll tell you that. Because she goes, I'm sorry about my sandwich. They're not the best sandwiches. And you're like, hey, lady, you just made a hooker a sandwich. You're good. That's unbelievable. I don't care if it's ham and cheese or- PB&J, you're a fucking class act. Well, I remember hearing a story when Charlie Shee, he got a new girlfriend or something. I can't remember the details. This was probably 20 years ago. But whoever it was, or maybe it was Denise Richards, was like, you can keep 100 porn tapes. And he had to go through it, because he had 50,000 porn tapes. And she's like, all right, we can get married and have a kid or whatever, but you've got to cut it down to 100. And he's like, I can't, dude. That's impossible. Wow, that ain't in there. Because he had a stadium full of porn. Well, he must love the internet. I guess so. You don't even need to have 100. You just need one laptop. But there's another great part where he's got this fat, big crackhead dealer, crack dealer, Mexican guy who's in and out of prison. And he goes, when I say this guy smoked 700 grams of crack a day, this guy smoked 700 grams of crack. I've never seen anyone smoke that much and live. He's like, Charlie Shee was superhuman. Wow. He's a really fascinating- He gets out of rehab. His dad picks him up. By the way, his dad's a fucking saint. He just never let up. He always hung in there. Picked him up from rehab. Martin Sheen takes him to a baseball field. Charlie Sheen hits a home run. First shot in front of his dad. What do you mean? They took him to a baseball field because he used to play baseball as a kid. So he just, who's pitching to him? There was a couple of kids out there. And they were, Charlie Sheen, holy fuck. And he goes, throw me a ball. Homer Simpson. What do you mean? Is it a little league field? He's hitting him off a child. I thought you meant they put him in the big leagues. It's like Kramer and the karate. I'm going to throw him a soft toss and he hits it out of a- It was a regulation field, Jerry. It's the size of the competitor. All right. So it's just a 360 foot to the fence? I'm just saying the guy's strung out on crack. He goes to rehab for six months. No, no, no. Hasn't lifted a finger. Comes out. Hits a home run. Well, I think they play in the yard, don't they? They play stickball out there. Maybe. Remember Andy Dufresne's having the catch with red? That's true. I mean, look. If he was coming out. If he was coming out and getting raped, all right. He can handle it. But this is a fucking full on home run over the draft. I'll have to see the film Rafters. Michael Rafterport. Back Rafter. He is so good in Ferris Bueller, too. You know him. I mean, he is just amazing with the knuckle crack. Well, Jennifer Grey does the knuckle crack, but you know what I mean. It's fun. This is big John Hughes film. And then he shows up looking like a piece of shit. And they hire him because he looked like hell. Jennifer Grey got on the gig. And he stayed up all night because he wanted to look fucked up. Oh, wow. And it worked. Oh, he's amazing. And then he got all this buzz off the movie. He had like a six minute part. He's a scene stealer. Yeah. Maybe the problem is you. That was good. He's great. And then, yeah, Platoon is fun. Although a pretty silly film, honestly. Oh, really? Don't you think? No. You're giving the face. Okay. Salic is upset. You're going to chime in. I mean, the bad guy literally has a scar on his face. He's like, cut. And he's like this, you better get over here. Like, the bad guy is so bad. And then Defoe is just dying in slow motion for like 40 minutes. He's like, oh. Oh, yeah. It's silly when you rewatch the goddamn thing. But, you know, it's fun. It's good. But, I mean, having a bad guy literally like all like snarled up. And then he just shoots his buddy in the middle of the woods in the middle of Vietnam. I haven't seen it. No. Holy shit. Okay. But, dude, it's silly. It's fun. Yeah. You got to admit, those things I just brought up are silly. That's a little silly. All right. Check out the film, though. It's fun. Platoon? The doc. Oh, the Sheen doc. Yeah, yeah. Watch Platoon. Emilio Estevez comes off like a choir boy compared to Sheen. I mean, the hookers, the crack, the blow, the gay sex. He seems like a good boy, Estevez. Oh, yeah. I love. Charlie said he spent upwards of $100 million on hookers and blow in his life. Didn't he buy the Bill Buckner ball? And it turns out it wasn't the Bill Buckner ball. Is that story in there? No, but it sounds like him. Yeah, I believe. That's the story. I remember all these old Charlie Sheen stories, but they're not in the doc. He bought the ball. The Bill Buckner went to the legs ball and spent whatever, $500,000, whatever the bullshit. And then Bill Buckner came out and was like, no, he didn't get the ball. I have the ball. Oh. That's the story I remember. But I was 10 years old. So this might be wrong. But I think I remember that correctly. And Buckner was like, well, you got ripped off because. I own the ball. Well, we got a Google box here. Yeah, it says he did buy it. And it was signed by Mookie Wilson. Ooh. And then he bought it for $93,000 and then sold at auction for $418,000. Is there anything about it being not the ball? No. Hmm. All right. Well, maybe I got only half the story right. By the way, how long have we been recording? Should we. What do we got here? Five zero minutes. Five zero. Good Lord. There's another scene where he and his dad play Michael Jordan in basketball and beat him. That's crazy. Charlie Sheen and Martin Sheen beat Jordan. Beat Jordan. Two on one? Two on one. Horse and a shootout or something like that. It's fascinating. I mean, the guy's got a horseshoe up his ass. He's a crazy son of a B. Wow. I got to watch this film. What did you say? You said something that made me think of another thing. What do you say when you see things? Bill Buckner. Before that. Bill Buckner. The ball. The porn. Now look this up. This might be a rumor. This is how fun Sheen was. Okay. He loved baseball. So he rented out a full row, like five rows of seats at a game because he wanted to catch a home run. So he wouldn't let anyone sit next to him. So this is a shot of a full game with Charlie Sheen alone. Is that real? Waiting for the ball to come. It never went his way. I mean, the chances are still one in a million if you have the whole stadium to yourself. It might be a rumor. Give that a go. Sometimes people don't homer. All right. Reports of Charlie Sheen renting out bleachers. In the past are not corroborated. No corrob. No corrob. But don't you think even that is a fun thing? Fat Blackley. Even that. Even that is fun that you're the kind of character where there are these rumors about you. Yes, lore. Like no one's ever like, hey, I heard that Sean Murphy fucked three women in a single. Lifetime. Hey, I just corrected me. In 1996, Charlie Sheen purchased over 2,600 tickets. Thank you. And left field bleachers at Anaheim Stadium. Thank you. Increases chances of catching a homerun ball. Okay. That's insane. By the way, 2,600. I was picturing 20. I thought 22. 2,600 is crazy. 2,600 tickets. What? That feels high. He was trying to catch a specific players. Uh-oh. Hey, Charlie. Specific players. Oh, that scared the crap out of me. Charlie. He's trying to catch Jason Fielder's homerun. Hey, what's shaking? Oh, Charlie Charger. No, talk. It's all right. This is the young man that kicked a football into a young boy's face. Oh, yeah. He's in the hospital still. And whose idea was it to kick it over there? That was crazy. Who the hell encouraged that? All right. Who said, we're special teams? I'm not allowed near the child. All right. Get out of here. That kid is aces. He's going straight to the top. Sweet, cute kid. That's one of the best young men I ever met in my life. Oh, yeah. What do you need? Could you go to Starbucks? I'm not your Chuck. So, yeah. Check out the doc. Send Charlie. Yeah. And we're all looking forward to the John Candy. I can't wait for the John Candy. I love candy. Let me throw one thing right at your asshole. Please. See if it hits the wall. Jeez, these people. They never stop texting. How about this? I think you're going to like this. I can't wait. You want some hope? You need hope? Hope and change. You look hopeless. Hope floats. Great film. So, I've never seen it. I've never seen it. I've never seen it. I'm sorry. But the other day, yesterday, I'm walking with Marty. Now, the child is two years old now. So, he's running, jumping, leaping. It's fucking nuts. And we live in this beautiful area for kids with all grass and yards and whatever. But then when you leave, not yard, but you know what I mean. You leave, you go across the street, the big street, West Street. Now, you're in the financial district and the sidewalks are like this. There's men in suits. There's terrorist attacks. There's all kinds of craziness. Sure, Jews. It's a little scary. It's a little scary. We're walking around. He's running around. So, you're all like, oh, my God. Oh, God. Get over here. He's jumping off that. He's climbing up this. He's like, jumps in the hole at the World Trade Center monument. He's splashing in the water. Sure. He's hanging from the survivor tree. It's nuts. So, then he takes off running across this big, long hallway back into the finance area. I see. The building. And I go, watch where you're going. He's like, you know, he's like 50 feet ahead of me. And there's a lady walking, head down, AirPods in. Plonk! Plonk! flunks into him, and I go, oh, jeez, buddy, you got to watch where you're going. Meanwhile, I'm like, what a piece of shit this woman is. And she goes, beautiful smile, hot lady. She goes, no, no, that's me. I'm so sorry. I wasn't watching where I was going. Million-dollar smile. Doves fly out of her asshole. Love it. Peanut butter seeps out of her pussy. She goes, that was totally my fault. I'm not paying attention. I got to pay attention. Yes. That's rare. That's all I got. I love it. I'm in love with her. I go, thank you. It's funny, because my thank you was like, yes, thank you for acknowledging you're a bag of turds. What did she do that was wrong? She was just walking, but she was staring at her phone. She's like this, and then just walks into the child. But I was like, watch where you're going, pretending to talk to him, but really I'm talking to her. Did he fall? No, not fall. Just kind of like a, blah, blah, blah. But she owned it, Jerry. I love the owning. She took it. She owned it. She was beautiful. She had an Elaine Bennis dress on, kind of a long, red, flowy. It's also crazy to think. Marty's noggin is just hitting her right in the clam, basically, with the height. Yeah, he's a tall guy. Yeah. I love clam. I just want to be in that clam. That's what's nice about having a two-year-old, because you're down there. You're crouched. What is it, buddy? And then you look up, and clams, clams casino is hanging out everywhere. It's a clam bank. And I'm always down there, just trying to get a little of that action. But their hygiene is nice, or whatever. Ah, boo. Yeah, what can you do? But no, that's great. You get the clam view. Oh, and Klu Klux Klam. Title. What was it? That's the title. Oh, sure. All right. And then how about this? And then I know we've got to wrap up pretty soon here. Lomato. Yeah. Saki's just gave the intentional walk sign. So, I teased this last week. I'm never going to get the whole thing in, but maybe I should save it for the next episode. We've got a whole whopper tomorrow. Okay. Well, I'll give a small. One small piece. That's a tease. One small piece for man, one giant cock for Salacuse's asshole. All right. Charlie's not still right out there, is he? He's heard it all. He's seen it. He's a beautiful kid. I think we need a Starbucks run in between this and the Patreon. I'm okay, but I could pee. Yeah. Salacuse needs it. Grab an lollipop. Oh, so I go into a big show. Big show. I teased it before. I went to Vampire Weekend. Yes. With Matt Wayne, Isabel Hagen. Yes. And my dear friend, my dear friend, your associate, she's in the band. Wow. She's in there. That's crazy. Holy moly. You know, I would not normally go to Vampire Weekend, but they're a hell of an outfit. They're good. Great pack of gays. They're good. I think the guy's name is Ezra. He's from New Jersey. They're doing these home shows, Montclair, and she got the hookup. Her husband, Will, is like the heart of the band. He's playing the keys and the keyboards and the stuff. So we go out there. We drive to Montclair, which is a beautiful town. I would move there. Very nice place. I think Stephen Colbert is from there. Don't hold it against the town. Montclair. So we go out there, Matt and I, and then we cross the street. We're getting there a little late, you know, because we don't need to see the opener. We got VIP tickets. Now, tell me what you make of this. There's, like, police around. We're all crowded. The theater's over there. Everyone's lined up. We're going across the street, and lights. We have the stop sign, whatever. Did you take that photo? Holy moly. Look at that. It's a composition textbook. Beautiful. That is special. I prefer the porch thing not in there. Kind of fucks it up. Eh, you can blub that out. Yeah. Isn't that nice? Look at that rainbow, right? Oh, you added that in with Photoshop. That is special. No, that's really there. All right. Especially because she's gay, so that's nice. Yes. But anyway, that is really beautiful. I was sad I couldn't be there. I was working. But anyways, we go across the street, and there's a bunch of people. You know how people start walking? So then, like, everyone's like sheep. They just start walking also, even if there's a car coming. So a group of people walk. I wait. I'm a safety first. I got my bike helmet over here. There's a guy, older guy, and his wife. He just starts walking. Head down, just starts walking. There's a car coming 50 miles an hour. He just walks right in front of traffic. The lady goes, honey! And he goes, oh, Jesus, what? He's one of these assholes. He yells at her. What the hell's that? Oh, man. And she goes, well, there's a car coming. He's like, I would have made it. Oh. He yells at her. This is the opposite of the lady who got hit in the clam by your son's head. So then I do this. I go, man, that was crazy. That guy walked right in front of a moving car to Matt. Loud enough. Passive-aggress. And then this guy starts walking again against the light. But the lady stays. So it's the three of us. And I'm like, fuck this guy. And I was like, you were totally right. That was crazy. Good for you. And I think the guy might have heard. I was a little scared that he was going to turn around. Because I want to be an asshole. But if someone wants to fight me, I'm like, I got to get out of here. Sure, sure. I got to not go to the show. I'll have my own vampire weekend. I don't know what that means. But it was just so annoying. I hate the thing that when people can't go, holy shit, thanks, honey. That was crazy. Right. He just shouts at her. Yeah. He must hit her. He must. Hopefully. You walked in front of a moving vehicle, clearly not paying attention. Yep. Your wife loves you enough to go, baby, no. Yes. And then you're like this, you fucking bitch. What kind of life is this? And then you start to wonder, how is this guy? How is this guy going to not die? If he's doing that, you met this guy for 11 seconds. You saw that. How does he get through his whole life? Well, I think we're going to have in the future, and maybe this has already happened, all kinds of people getting hit by cars, falling down wells. It's this shit. It's the old fun. They're just walking around. People have AirPods. I saw that guy on a bike. I see this regularly with no hands texting with AirPods in, no helmet. Guilty. And by the way, you broke your fucking promise. Oh, shit. Salicus calls me. He saw a bleeding kid bleeding out and said, I'll never not put on a helmet again. I see him the next day biking, no helmet. You'd squeal. He's got no helmet. I didn't know. He set it up wrong. I was like, oh, yeah, he didn't want to wear a helmet. What are you doing? Get a helmet. I didn't wear a helmet the next day. I'm wearing a helmet now. Oh, I don't buy it. Where is it today? I took a train. I see. Anyway, time to wrap this up. Hey, we wrap up when we want to wrap up, all right? You got to wrap that head up. Yeah, wrap your head up, you fuck. Get a wig, too, would you? Aw, come on. All right, well, geez. Well, this was fun. What a time. Chuck, stay where you're doing. Tell him Steve Robert and keep doing your thing. I don't know what he's doing. I have no idea. He's on some kind of big project. Unbearable? Something like that. I don't know. But he'll be back. We're doing the Skank Fest, Doc. That's going to be fun. I don't know how to get the money. That's the problem. Oh, yeah. I don't know when this comes out. Probably November 38th? I have no idea. October something. I'll be in Saudi Arabia. I'll be praying to God in a hostage video. And, yeah, you got no podcast to plug, which is very refreshing. Oh, yeah. And I got to buy some Bodega Cat. And get on the Patreon, folks. I got to have some dates, right? All right, all right. I got to. I'm going to Baltimore. Come to Baltimore. Come to San Diego. Come to Europe, Oslo, Helsinki, Stockholm, and Dublin, and D.C. D.C. I'm doing D.C. as well. I'm doing. D.C. Improv coming up. November 6th through the 8th, I got, what's it called? Stress Factory. Hey! And October 23rd through 25th, Dallas Improv. So I have Dallas, D.C., Stress Factory, and Portrait of a Comedian, Tom Dustin. Salacuse worked on it for free, which I'm very grateful, even though he's now fucking giving me shit about it. It was the happiest time of my life, and go buy it, please. It's a great movie. Bill Burr liked it. There you go. There you go. All right. We'll see you in hell. Praise Allah. I got a whiz. Sal, you want to say anything? Wait. Oh, you're sick. Wait. You're good. Thanks.