#624 Great Bulge of Fuego

hey mark fake banter for the intro that's all I know how to do great good to be here welcome to Tuesdays with stories hit her in the face with a surfboard and then the duck fell out of his bag surfed up and she didn't even flush knock knock who's there Mark Norman and Joe Liss yeah this Tuesdays with stories everybody that's terrible this is supposed to be cheesy here we go we're live now we're here we're queer a lot of stuff going on the cities on fire the news is crazy I'm gay is alarm going off oh wow you don't hear the beep alarm anymore I was just at Starbucks one second ago and I this is a sign that the end times are here the smoke detective thing like nobody like react nobody looked up from their phones or anything and it's like piercing I put my air pods in I was like it's out of like hell was merging with you know Detroit next star yeah and everyone just kind of sat around and it's it's it's crazy out there in this world crazy I'd put the air pods in that'd be my move the noise cancel that's what I did hey like I said that one second ago that's what I do with the baby baby's crying I go but the airpods in him or you me oh I see because you put the airpods in him he might be quiet then too because he'll be like what's going on with my life I can't hear it I'm deaf Mr. Hollins Opus uptown girl yeah that's what's going on in mind how about this though you want some hope I need some hope you need some hope hope and change hope floats Obama how about this for hope so I wrote my bike here I keep saying my bike but it's a city bike you know what I mean you know what I mean I do the city bike every day I love it I love it too I say my bike it's not my bike it's a borrow bike but for that moment it is my bike that's true because he's my butler so I'm riding the bike I'm getting on the Brooklyn bridge over there down in that town that's a great ride or is that Chinatown what is that the Manhattan side of the Brooklyn bridge that's Manhattan bridge Williamsburg bridge yeah but what's what I'm saying what neighborhood is that Brooklyn pace university I guess it's city hall lower east side city hall all right so I'm over at city hall I'm getting on the bridge and this fucking putsy do I got a green light all right so I start to go here comes a big van hmm van he's coming in I had to stop see me stopping earth stop I go stop and stop what the fuck is this and the van goes by and he's going to doing this thing oh oh silent movie yell he's screaming and I go fuck you you fucking ran the red light you dirty fuck you know oh shit and so I got the hell this guy's yelling like oh you believe this fucking piece of shit yeah so then I get around I take the corner now he's run the light so he's kind of the back of the traffic so I'm getting on the ramp of the bridge okay and he I see he's got his window down oh here we go so I take out my you know self-help air pod sure podcast and I'm like all right let's have it out what about a bike you're in a car you cut me off you have to I'm clearly in the right your piece of shit what's he look like good can you take him is he gay white guy sure I can't take anyone white guy shaved head big spaces between his teeth I would say some kind of Eastern European maybe you know what I'm asked with that Eastern block just a flattin golden so I I pull up and he's going yeah I go what the fuck are you mad at me you're fucking yelling at me you went through the red light and he goes I'm sorry I'm so sorry I apologize and I go oh and there's a bunch of people around like you're apologizing he's like yes yes I'm sorry I know I got to get the thing and I go oh I thought you were yelling at me I know yeah I got a apology how about that that never happened and I went I'm sorry apology accepted my friend he said oh thank you and he went and I went we did the heart tap sorry tap this hope hey I love an apology can we crank the AC I told you that white remote there right by your face grab that remote shove it up your ass fired it out no don't turn it off turn it you got your thumb on the dog at the red button ah geez the red button ejects you open the very strong spring yeah the flap is open no no the bottom flap of that remote slider down I like those remotes I haven't seen one of those in a minute that's all it's cool bits of beach oh it's a beach yeah okay now hit the fan button a couple times and you can crank up the there it is cracking up fuckers what temperature you got on that fatty 68 go 67 oh geez 67 that's good thank you alright Rupert everybody Rupert where is Chuck I don't know it is swingers party or Comic-Con who knows anymore is he gay wait what happened where you go I don't know we got Rupert you can tell because the camera's on a slant the floor is leaning but he's fishy he's here he's queer and yeah so I just slimmed up a little bit slim down a little yeah he look like a million bucks well he had a kid mm-hmm that'll wear on you mm-hmm it's true about muscle weigh in more than fat people like to say that put on 10 pounds of muscle yeah cuz I am really peaking weight wise and I've been lifting but I've been eating nothing but queso for three weeks you don't look fatter well you know I but I'm I'm both you look buff what do you work out I've been working out I've been doing a lot of kettlebells every day I'm huge yeah I'm huge well where you been I mean I got some I got some stuff I've been everywhere man a great song have I see oh we recorded in between Austin and Denver we did we did we did okay so I've been I went straight from Austin to Denver so I'm I'm Richard Pryor right now I'm George Collin they need a fucking statue of my tits I'm the greatest comedian of all time I just did the two best clubs I'm so you're cooking and then I came home did soldiers oh another banger so I've been burning down the house for three straight weeks and now I got that Irvine improv coming up which is fun it's a good one of you fill it but it's a barn yeah I can't fill that fucking yeah that's where Rupert sleeps I mean it's a big old warehouse so that one's gonna bring me back down to the size I think yeah you're gonna slim down but I do think you have you don't go to LA every day you can you can get a little buzz going well have a buzz and I do sell some tickets and by the way I'm a free agent now I've got I released my manager of his duties what you was he working for Kimmel and so now his managers flying in to see me how about that whoo is that right oh that's right baby flying in LA wow that flying a car you know over a train I guess they already live in LA yeah I don't need to fly sure I can helicopter go me but yeah that's exciting now you're picking a litter but here's I'm such a come guzzling queen that any manager who was interested me I'd be like I'll take it yeah well that's what I've done the best and with women and managers and here I am so this time I'm gonna be really selective I like it and I'm gonna go for the best Jerry and make them take you out wine and dine yeah really yeah really work the balls play with the clip and tweak the dips now what do you make of this because I've had several people my agent my wife and Luke Mona's who's the smartest guy I know all said you need a woman what do you think about that women are more organized I'm a little fucked up right now I got children my father's gay my the small brain the bad driving that's a tough one yeah in the gash but I don't know I think menstrual might be nice plus easier to confront you can kind of smack them around a little bit true true that's why I'm going to Saudi Arabia yeah yeah good point so what do you manager a man woman break down all your managers and their genders my manager is a woman okay you might have something here but I'd never saw a difference I never saw like a pro or a con so I got a manager woman male agent which you know what it's kind of like you know when you go on the subway it says stand clear of the closing doors man then it goes next up less forestry yes lady they did studies yes because the man commands and the woman informed they take him from we take information better from women and commands better from men there you go yeah so the agent I feel like commands hey theater you better book my fucking homo here or we're gonna come after you and they go okay we'll put them in and the woman goes can I get your hotel come on the phone with the hilton so now you got a hotel yeah it's pretty good well my agent who's the most beautiful man I've ever met in my life top top dog pooch the pooch yeah he's calling the pooch he's the greatest but he everywhere I go the club owner the man did they go your agents the biggest ball buster I remember he's tough as nails he ran us to the ringer that I like you want that but your manager I think you want people to be like he's the best we had the greatest time of our lives he took us all out he ate us out he blew us so sure or she she blew us yeah yeah maybe I'll go non gender one of those a non by a non by sexual I like that that's not me non binary that means you're neither I don't fucking non binary mean I guess so and then what is neuro divergent that I think I think that's us the more I'm too - I'm told about neurodivergence. I'm like, slap that on my ass and come on it. - I'll take it, maybe it'll help us get some love out in the world. Well, I don't even know what to make. Can we give that a goog there, Rupi? - Well, Lex, our camera guy was the first one to say to me, I think you're neurodivergent, but I don't know, because I'm always complaining about noises that no one else hears. So I don't know if I'm autistic or OCD or retarded or neurodivergent. - You're a hypervigilant. - Ah, that's what you are. All the time, I'm like, can someone stop the fucking beeping people like, what are you talking about? - Yeah, yeah, that's a problem. - It's a collection of conditions that affect how a person's brain process is information and interact with the world. - All right. - I still don't know what it means. - It's some ADD dyslexia. - Oh, so it's an umbrella. So neurodivergence and umbrella. - Ah. - So, I mean, I have OCD, so, you know, I guess I'm neurodivergent, is that included? - I guess so. - Or maybe you didn't mention that one. - I don't think I heard ADD. - ADD? Oh, I mean, if you and I don't have ADD, then who the fuck does? - I think what ADD is. - OCD, boom, I'm neurodivergent. - How do you like that? - Zero virus. - MDV. - Okay. - MTV news. - Am I any of those that they have gay in there or bad white bird? - I think you're pretty compulsive. - Small dog. All right. - I think you're obsessive compulsive. You're obsessed with comedy. You write jokes compulsively. You say things compulsively. You work out compulsively. You like compulsively. I think you're compulsive. - Okay. - If you're not OCD, then my father's not gay. - I think we're the OCD boys. - Yeah. - Just different cuts. And neither one of us wash our heads. So that's interesting. - Yes. - Because people think of OCD as you wash your hands and you whatever. - You count everything. - Yeah, but you're doing pull-ups on the street and I'm drinking the same beverage five times a day with a steep that if it goes too long, I'll throw it in somebody's face. - Good point. It's kind of like they go, "Hey, he's a narcissist." I feel like a narcissist is someone who thinks everything's about them, basically. I have that negatively. I walk into a particle, they all hate me. That was dumb. - That's a form of narcissism also. - I know, but it's only the bad. I have none of the good. - Right. - I have none of the good. Everybody loves me, I'm the man. I want everything, give me everything. I'm like, "I don't deserve it, I suck." So it's all about me, but it's only bad. - Well, it could be vulnerable narcissism. Whoa. - Yeah, that's a kind of narcissism, which a guy said on stage. I was on stage. Denver, come here. You know a guy sits on stage with you. - Oh yeah. - Not with you. It makes it sound like I'm at auto-enjoyed. But he's on the thing. - The left. - And I was talking to a psychiatrist and he's like, "Well, you're a vulnerable narcissist." That was like, "What are you crazy?" What are you talking about? I'm a comedian. I'm like, he's like, "Well, you want to touch in?" I'm like, "Well, I want to touch it now." - Sure. - Performing. - Yes, yes. - But every comedian's a narcissist, every news reporter, every Tom Dick and Harry. - Other man, come on, get out of here. Every politician, oh shit. - You don't need a weatherman to know which way the wind blows. - Mm-hmm, Bob Villain. - You got that straight. - All right. - But anyway, so yeah, we're a little fucked up. - Yeah, we're vulnerable. - I know some actual narcissists, so. And that's one of those ones that people throw around there. They people throw around sociopath, too. - I know. - Let's throw that around about you. And I'm like, what are you crazy? - All the time, which it hurts my feelings, which is how you know I'm not a sociopath. That's always my rebuttal. Also, serial killer. Every woman calls every guy. Oh, look at this guy. He's clearly a serial killer. I'm like, well, then you should report him. - Yeah, I've had that, what are you talking about? - I've had that too. I think I remember someone did a bit like this, but I think there's a couple of bits like this. But sometimes I just remember dates, 'cause I'm nor divergent. But I'm like, hey, we met four months ago today. People like, whoa, Chris. - Oh, autistic. - And I'm like, I just remember, I don't get it. What do you want me to do? - That's a skill, bitch. - Yeah, I'm like, yeah, yeah, you said this and this and this and your mom's name is that? Well, you remember that, jeez. So like, what you told me, and I remembered it. - Yes, yes. - Why is that creepy? It'd be creepy if I said it while you're putting the kids to bed and I slid out. - Right. - It was like October 3rd. - Yes, exactly, July 3rd, hold on. - Oh, I saw the back of the head. - Oh yeah. - Hey, suck my dick, go. - Hey, you know what else is weird? Where people go? They go, hey, I saw you were in Hawaii on Instagram. I'm not a creep. I'm like, yeah, I put it on the internet. I put it on a social media app that everyone looks at and I hope to get followers and I hope you see, we're all going, I hope I get views. So why would you be a creep? - Right. - They go, I was stalking your Instagram. You weren't stalking it. You were looking at it. - Right. Yeah, good point. - Public domain. - Yeah, yeah. That's a weird thing about being public and podcasting and all the stuff 'cause people think they know you, which is weird and they'll say things about you that you're like, what? - Yeah, yeah. I just don't care for the pretend like, oh, you know, not trying to be a creep here, but I saw you were in Puerto Rico and you're like, I posted it. - That's funny. That could be something. - I tried it, it didn't work. - All right, that's fair. - Oh, I got the other bit working that you said. - No, Jesus, sorry. - Sorry, I'm not going to hit my nuts. - I thought about it. I got the other bit, the Hyundai with the black, a Jew and a gay one. - Oh, is it, it's doing okay when it's getting better. - It's pretty good. You say it just like I said? - I forgot how you said it. - Oh, fuck. - And the episode's not out yet. - Playback. - Yeah. - Good point. Man, I did a Royars Ferd last, or whatever it's called now. Soul Joles. - It's a Hikes town. - Yeah. - Dude, I love the rope. So this is the thing, you always have the memory of just killing. And Lou is there and that guy that wears the eagle shirt and the other guy and Joel's awesome. And they treat you nice. And it's the best sets of my life. Also, this, fuck, I got so much to vent about. - Vent me. Back of the head. - Last time I was there, I brought Shivone, Andrew Shivone, who's now a dad. And Shivone Bologna, congratulations to the Shivones. - My boys could swim. So he brought a camera. So in my head, I thought, oh, they filmed the shows then. So now, and this is one of the frustrating things about this business and this time we're living in. We're previously, for most of the time I've been doing comedy, you have the set of your life and riffs and crowd work and fucking new bits. You drive home going, that was so much fun. What a life, what an artist. - Here, here. - Not a moment. - Here, here. - And now, you have the best set of your life. You go, I didn't fucking film it. I'm a piece of shit. Why the fuck don't they have a camera? Why don't I have a camera? I'm gonna fail. My life sucks. I can't sell a ticket because I didn't bring a fucking camera. And now I'm miserable. - No one's gonna believe me. And now, yeah, you had a great moment, a great time. And it's all ruined because you didn't film it. That's show of my life. And now instead of leaving going, that was the best show of my life, I'm leaving going, I ruined my life. - Yeah. You know what I just realized? We don't do that with fucking. 'Cause sex is also one of these magical, enlightening, levitating moment. You know when you have like, as Tom Rhodes would say, up on one toe sex, where you're just like, ah, you're both screaming. You're wiggling, you're sweating, there's noises. You're making like, animal noises. And you're like, oh my god. And you lay there after you're like, that was incredible. I was like, I was on the moon. I was on another planet. I don't even know who I was or where I was. You don't film that. You just enjoy it. - Right. But I would like to film it. - Well, we'd love to film it. All of you watch it later. You'd be like, oh my god, look at that face. Look at my ass. My balls are weird. - Lay up the dejorno. You have peace of shit. - Yeah, exactly. But I'm just saying, with comedy, you go, I need people to see that with sex. You go, I'm just gonna think about that later when I'm shitting. - By the way, did you see there was a little meme clip of an old prior bit as a bit? I never heard before about the Chinese fucking fast. - Oh yeah. - Somebody sent it to me. It is unbelievably funny. - Wait a minute. Get rid of this. - It goes, Chinese, man. He's like, the Chinese fuck fast. They're like this. He's like, there's 750 million of them. He goes, how do we know that? Do we count them? Well, he says the N word. Some N word be like, one, two, three. Do you get the guy in the red shirt? Now start over. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - He does that and he goes, black people, we gotta catch up. But black people fuck for days. - Right. - He's like, give me your arm. All right, put your leg up here. There it is. - So fucking hard of seeing that, yeah. - God damn, he's good. - And that's a guy I could, you could tell, he just said, there's a lot of Chinese people. And he went on stage and talked to him. And probably bombed the first time. But then the third time, it was like, they fuck like this, count him, black people fuck. I mean, I can see that building. (barking) - That's how they fuck. - Fuck's like, it sounds like a duck. (barking) - So funny. And anyway, so, Potsdam was, I had this great moment I was talking about, you know, oh, the fillies. I mistook, the Philadelphia fillie, I was like, that's a horse that's three years old. Which is not, it's a female horse, but three-year-old horses are who's in the Kentucky Derby. - Three-year-old. - You have to be a three-year-old. Did you know that? - I did not know that. - Kentucky Derby is made up of horses that are three. That's why you can't win it two years in a row. - Whoa, so you can't be four either. - You gotta be three. - You can't be four. - Whoa. - I think that's right. - How about that? - So anyways, a woman goes, yeah, and she started pointing at her shirt, but it was dark. And I was like, do you have a horse on your shirt? Are you showing me your dits? I can't tell, and I got a bit left. And then I was like, see you race horses? And she's like, I jump horses. And I'm like, boy, that's the most filly thing I've ever heard. You jump out of the bushes, you beat up the horse. And it killed, Jerry. - Yeah, that's fun. - And you just go, what a clip. Ah, I'm not filming. - Nah, you post that on the Kentucky day, you're blow up. - Kentucky Derby Day. Yeah, it's true. - Wow, three-way. I didn't know you had. - There you go. How about that? - Well, you learned something every day. - Little filly, break your heart? - No, it was a girl. - Okay. But yeah, you've been trawling, I mean, Tejas, to Colorado, to Potsdale. And that's a lot of moving and shaking. - And it will first, I went to New York. for a day to record the pods. I was in Austin for five days, flew back at home at seven p.m. and then recorded the podcast in the morning and then went straight from there to the airport to fly to Denver. So I had three time zones in three days. - Hiya, hiya, hiya. - And then this was fun. Now we dealt with a lot of tragedy that week and there's shootings and then there was a school shooting too that nobody noticed. - You served well in Denver by the way. - The question is, the Kirk is on a campus. Is that a school shooting? - It's a good question. - Ah, I have a question. - Well, yeah, it's kinda like, what do you call it? We're old comedy vault. I don't know if you did that room in Boston in the alley, it was down in the bank vault. And which is funny 'cause New England has two bank vault comedy clubs. The Providence Comedy Collection also. - Yes, yes. - But I forget which school that is, oh fuck, what's the school where all the comedians went? It's like an art school, Dennis Leary and Emerson. - Oh, I didn't know that. - Dennis Leary, Bob Burnham, I think, Alex Zettelman. There's a few of them. - Bill Burr as well. - Maybe. - He went to Emerson. - He went to NC State, he just told me for a couple of semesters. That weird. - It's a good idea today. - How about this, Bill Burr? Brought like fine cigars from LA, unique cigars from someplace. And he's like, I'm gonna mail you these cigars. And I said, great. And then he texted me, he was like, I'm in New York. I'm going to a restaurant in your neighborhood. I'll bring them to you. - Whoa. - So I brought the baby and Sarah over there. And then he met my boy, she came to Bill Burr, and he gave me some cigars. - That's insane. He gave you a gift, unpromptu. - Came to my house and gave me a gift. And I met the wife too, which is also funny 'cause she's not a public figure. Oh, I guess she is kind of. - Yeah, that's good enough, yeah. - And I was like, yeah, I know you. But, you know, I don't know what you do, but I've seen you. - Yeah, yeah. - Anyways, how about that? - How about that? - Bill Burr and my son are friends. - He loves you. - Yeah, he really does. - He loved the movie. - Jay Leno. - Jay Leno went to Emerson. - Yes, yes. - Liza Schlesinger. - There was a guy named Alicia Yafi. I don't know if he's around. You ever meet him? He was a funny guy. - Yafi. - Alicia Yafi was a man. - What the hell kind of ethnicity is Alicia Yafi? - I assume Jewish or some sort. - That sounds about me. - Yafi, maybe he could be the other one too. - Middle East. - Yeah. - He was zero. - He was white as snow though. - Oh, okay. - I bet he writes for something now. He was very funny. - No Bill Burr. - Okay, shit. Maybe he's Boston College. - I don't know. - I don't know where he went. - I thought he went to Em. - Oh, but anyways, so the school shooting thing brought up that thought that Emerson called, technically the alley was one of the drinking places in Boston and there'd be all these fights, but there was technically on campus. So campus, eventually they just bought up all the places 'cause they were like, well, every night we have a fucking street brawl on, quote, campus. - Right. - Because it was just like Boston jackasses. - Oh, yeah. - They meet and up each other and they're like, oh God, this is campus. So, I don't know, my point is you make a good point. - Well, yeah, yeah, it's a wacky time and then three cops died yesterday and then there was a shooting today where a principal got killed. I mean, it's a, it's a mayhem. - It's not good. - What's the word, we're in hockey. - Oh, but that's what I was gonna say. So I landed in Denver, came in for radio. - Oh. - I had radio at six, 10 pickup. - No! - Three radio shows. My alarm goes off at 5.50. I want to kill myself. Hey, Joe, the first show's cancer 'cause everything that happened yesterday. So then there's a moment where you're like, woohoo! School shooting. (laughing) 'Cause the school was like 30 minutes away. Oh, that's the lady I creeped out with the red hair there. - Oh, I see. - Feel bad. But yeah, it was like, it was kind of nice. I mean, school shooting's horrible, it's tragic, but it got me out of morning radio, so I went to back to bed for an hour. I mean, I had the same with 9/11. 9/11 happened, I woke up, hung over, and me and my dad were in a real contentious period at that time, I was drinking a drive-in, I was fucking up, barely finishing school. And he goes, we got bad news. And I go, ah, shit, did I wreck the car? Did I fuck mom? Did I eat out my dad? Whatever, and he goes, look at the TV. And I saw buildings on fire, and I went, woohoo! No school today, I thought I blew up the kitchen or something. - Yeah, every once in a while, a big tragedy will really help you out. - Yeah, same with a miscarriage. - Of course. - But, you know, people are like, oh, a miscarriage. I was sad, I'm like. - Yeah. - Really got, really gay out of a bind. - You really got me? - It's a free of borsh, it's God's of borsh. - A borsh belt. (laughing) - But any farts, so what were we saying? Oh, Denver, I feel like I've been talking too much. My throat hurts, my voice is gay, and my father hates me. Well, I just gotta say, it's always a great to have a fun comedy weekend, but it doesn't make for good pod. I had one of those great, perfect, everything locked in weekend. - Well, people email me every day going, what happened to Australia? Did you edit Australia? - Australia. - You were in Australia for three weeks. The people were pumped for the stories. All these Australians want the stories. And you told me, you're like, I got nothing. - Yeah. - And so you didn't tell them. And now they think you've been silenced. They think the administration got you. - I'll tell you, I mean, no FCC here. It was just a great time. We, me and Umar went Muslim and killed a dodo and had a great time. - Oh, dodo. - Folks, Tuesday's with stories is brought to you by Skims. - Oh yeah. - Get ready to level up that underwear drawer. I always find it hard to say drawer. Skims launched a line of underwear for the guys. You can look and feel great all season long. They're available in the classic colors. So even if you have no sense of style, you can't mess this one up with briefs, boxer briefs, two different links, knit boxers, trunks, and the most comfortable lounge wear out there. You will be set for the season. I love skims. Don't skimp. Skims is the best. They make great underwear, great milk. It's just the best. They said to some, I'm so comfortable in these panties. - That's great, grab skims in their three and five packs. You'll never run out even on laundry day. Go ahead, Mark, tell them how. - Oh, you got to do a shop skims mens at skims.com. Let them know we sent you. After you place your order, select podcast in the survey and select Tuesday's with stories in the drop down menu. Shop skims mens at skims.com. And thank you for supporting the show. - Back to the program. - But so it did Halifax. - Nova Scotia? - Yes. - How about that? - Never been, never thought about it. Never cared. - New Scotland. - Hinge him. - Yeah, I went to Yameth, but I never went to Halifax. - What's Yameth? - Yameth's the neighborhood, the neighboring city there. - Oh, okay. - It's Halifax in this Yameth. - I see. Well, this place was right on the water. Lobster, pier, seven, you know, the whole thing. Rivertown, ocean town, beautiful. Hinge him, great people, great architecture. It's, I think it's like the Boston. It's like where the people, the settlers, the pilgrims, the Jews, or whoever showed up. - I don't think it was the Jews. - Well, they made a, I don't know. - I think it must be the Scots 'cause it's a new Scotland. - I assume, yeah. - French and Scottish must be. - And there's all these war memorials and you're like, oh yeah, you guys were in a war? - I always think of Canadians as like, oh sorry, hockey. I didn't think there were shooting people. - What war were they in? - I think they fought the Brits. - Oh, I thought they asked nicely. That was the old Colin Quinn joke. The only country they could have freedom by asking nicely. - That's funny. - Yeah. - Well, I talk about this a lot and it never gets a laugh and nobody cares, so I shouldn't say it. But I said this about the Canadians. They had the big Canada versus Russia back in '72. It was the big thing, the two big hockey teams in the block. And again, you think of Canadians as friendly and manners and like, oh no, no problem, eh? And the Russians were just annihilating the Canadians. And then the Canadians just started hitting them with their sticks and stuff. Bobby Clark and they just started beating the fuck out of them and assaulting them with sticks. The Russians were like, what are you doing to us? - Yeah. - So that's Canadians, dig down. There's like a piece of them that's like, well, we're losing hockey. Let's hit 'em with our sticks. - Well, they get it out on the ice. I feel like they're very nice, they're very sorely, they're very polite and on that ice. I mean, remember when they beat American hockey last year? - Every year. - When Trump was like, hey, you got to fuck 'em up and then they just started fighting within like eight seconds. - Oh, right, right, right. - That was crazy. I still rewatched those highlights. So those fights were bananas. - That was fun. - Yeah. - And I think they did one in the end. - I think they did win, yeah. So Nova Scotia Two Show's got Anthony DeVito out there. It's like an hour and a half flight. Easy peasy, great crowd. They're all doing the thanks for coming here. Nobody comes here. And you're like, no problem. I'll be back every year. We gotta all go. - I'd love to go. - Go to Halifax. Everybody, go to Halifax. Killer crowds, killer venue, killer city. - Halifax Nova Scotia. - That's lunch. - Love the facts. - So then we go getting a flight called Porter Air. - I don't know Porter Air. - No one knows Porter. - Chris Porter. - And we're like, okay, what the hell's Porter Air? It's like a, it's spirit of Canada. It's a real shit box, wicker seats, chickens in the back. You know, turn the propeller by hand, one of these. And we get to Ottawa, our flight, whatever. Ottawa, you think, oh, Ottawa, who gives a fuck? It's the capital. - Oh yeah. - It's their DC. - Weird. - So it's like Parliament, did all these old Supreme Court and city hall, beautiful buildings like Big Ben out there. - National Guard, all that stuff. - There you go. And the senators is their team. - Right. - Which might be the worst name. - Well, but it was old school. They brought it back. The senator, I don't know, what are they gonna change abortion laws? We had the Washington Senators too for a long time, baseball. The bullets. Well, that was basketball. We had the Senators, then the bullets, now the Nationals, and the Wizards, and the Capitals. Yeah. Wait, what's the national? That's a baseball team. What's the wizard? That's a basketball team. Wizards, is that still there? Yeah, the bullets became the Wizards. Got it, got it. Okay. Could be the grand Wizards. That's not bad. Well, DC, it's not great. That's true. That would be like an Indiana team or, you know, Toledo or something. All right. So, grand wizard, Ottawa, beautiful city, beautiful day. It's one of these towns that's freezing cold. So when it's sunny out, the whole town is out and about milling, cleafing, jizzing. We go out, me and DeVito put on sun dresses and frolic and hold hands and we do a full Tyler Moore, Tyler Moore, Mary Tyler Moore, and Stephen Tyler Moore. So I go, all right. The show is at seven venue, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop. So I go, all right. The show is at seven venue, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop. Southam Hall. All right. I had venues, uh, 15 minutes away. We'll get on Uber. So we'll be down here at 615. We'll be at the venue by 630. He goes great. Most millow maintenance opener on the planet. Killer comic, but so we meet down, I get the Uber, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, like, man, uh, 15 minute. Why would the manager put us in a hotel so far from the venue? It doesn't make any sense. So we finally get there. I tech, I call the manager, the tour manager, Dustin, and I go, hey, man, I'm outside. I don't see anything. And he goes, I'll drop a pin. You like the pin? I don't hate a pin. I have a hard time finding the pin, but other people are able to find the pin. So I do a lot of pin dropping. Oh, you drop. With that, well, you know, I don't pin drop. I location share the different, that's different. Is that different? I think so. That's different. I don't think so. Because the pin stays. The location goes with you. Oh, is that right? Yeah. Sharing my location wherever my phone goes, you can see. Got it. Pin is pin. It's in the ground. I think. Pin head. I believe. Like, if you drop a pin and then you leave, I go to where the pin is. I see. If you share a location and leave, I go to where you are. Oh, that's good. The pin is my dear than the sword. Nailed it. Okay. Well, he drops a pin. I click on it. Venue is directly next to the hotel. Now, how does this happen? Well, there's two Southam Halls, apparently, in Ottawa. And they're 15 minutes away from each other. One's on a university and one is at the National Arts Center. So we were next door to the National Arts Center. I got our fat asses at an Uber all the way over there. We're in the middle of Jizzville and we got to go all the way back. So he's like, how are you looking? The show's starting. And I go, ah, we're going to be there in 12 minutes, five minutes, eight minutes. We finally show up. It's like a Fort Knox. We don't know how to get in. The doors are locked. It's one of those. So we run around the back. We're on the roof. We'd like to-- Careful up there. Yeah. Dillon Roof. And eventually I call him. I'm like, I don't know where you are. He's like, I'm by the street going this side. So I finally find him. I'm on the second floor of this building, looking down. It's like a government building. He's like, go down this elevator, go to the parking garage, whatever. We get in there. Finally, DeVito has to run on, because we're so late. Run on Herspert. Yeah. So run on sentence. So he runs on. And it's one of these-- we didn't know. This is like the Carnegie Hall of Ottawa. Whoa. It's beautiful, teared, glorious, ornate. And DeVito walks on. He's like, hey, holy shit. And-- No sound check or anything. We'd ever do that. I haven't got a sound check in 20 years. Google Image? They don't send you-- you need a female tour manager. I guess so. I wouldn't listen to her, but I don't open anything. Anything by a woman. I don't open. I don't know that. Let's do it. Or legs. But yeah. So we get there. We're just like, whoa. What the fuck? So DeVito rips it. And then I go on. It's the set of my life. I'm talking about Charlie Kirk. I couldn't-- I couldn't lose him, Jerry. I tried to lose him. They were just so pumped and so Ottawa and so cool. And then we get off stage. And the filmer guy's like, you've been an absolute comedy club. Oh, I keep hearing about that. It's supposed to be the greatest room. I mean, you know what, that's just-- I was a boy. Same here. Moody McCarthy set a letter to me from there. And he's like, Dearest Joseph, you must work the club. Right. Like a telegram. And John Fishing, an album there, the lore about absolute comedy club is they wouldn't-- people wouldn't take a tape from there. Yeah. It was too hot. And they used to book you for two weeks. You'd be like, back to back. We can. You'd be there for 14 days. Yeah. So I go, I've been here about an absolute for 30 years. It's like the white whale. Let's do it. Yeah. So we go to absolute. And it's just the-- they keep saying it's the best club in Canada, and the whole club in the whole country. So what could it look like? I've never seen it. Is it ornate? Is it glamorous? Is it shiny? It's like a-- like a-- just like a club. Like a-- I don't want to say rinky dink, but-- Yeah. --divey, almost. A dive small-- what are we talking about? 110, 150, 180, 220. That's a full house. 210. It's like the-- it's like almost like the olive tree. Wow. Yeah. That's beautiful. I know. And so you go up these stairs. They're all very nice. And the headliner was nice to have to let me do 10 minutes. Who was it? Go. Fuck. Shit. I should know the name. He was nominated for a-- the big Grammy in-- in Canada. Canada Grammy. Grammy. The comedy. Shit. If you look up, who was there last week? We couldn't plug it right in. He was super nice. Super cool. And-- Sorry. Blue, I shouldn't have said anything. People in there. And-- It was fun to sell. Great crowd. And then we got the hell out of there and drank. Fun. Great time. I'd never been to Ottawa. I'd like to go to Ottawa. I'd like you to do this absolute business. I've been hearing about it since the '70s. You would clean up an absolute. These are comedy nuts. They would love us. Big two's gaze out there. Wow. I got to get up there. I'd like to go-- I'm going to Tommy Pooch. I'm going to hit him up. Because he'll book something around a sends game. The Ottawa law center is. He's so good at booking me around sporting events. Boy, you're agent. He's good. I like my manager. And he's a good man. But my agent is just-- He gets me. He gets you. He's got me working Miami the weekend of the Miami Open finals. So I'm going to do shows Thursday Friday Saturday. Go to the men's final on Sunday. Hopefully see my boy Alkaraz and try to blow him. He's a hot spaniard. He really is. He's got the best legs I ever saw. Great bulge and a big ol' soup cooler. He's got a mouth like a doverman. Great bulge and fuego. Yeah. That's a title. I like it. We lost real pretty. He's trying to find the comic. We're never going to find it. You can't find it. It's so hard to find comedy websites. By the way, I've got no manager right now. So I got to Google my own showtimes. It's crazy how hard it is to find a showtime. It's bad news. I'm on the show. I'm on the website being like, "Come see Joe List." He's been on this tonight's show. Okay. Get tickets. Yes, yes. Okay. Doors open at five. Okay. Two drink minimum. Okay. What time? What time? What time? I completely agree. I have this with Sam's always like, "Fire your manager. You don't need a manager. He has a manager now, by the way." And I'm like, "Yeah, maybe I will. Maybe I'll save that extra 10%. What am I doing?" "I'm throwing money down the toilet." And then I had a manager, no manager for like a week. My whole life fell apart. I know. And your life's apart with a manager. Exactly. That's what you'll see. Wrong, wrong, wrong. And that's with the manager. Yeah, yeah. Wrong baby. Wrong life. Wrong everything. You need two managers. What the hell is that? Let me see. That guy at the top. The top. Montescott. Montescott. Hey, Montescott. That's the guy. He was cool. He was funny. Is there a more Canadian name than Montescott? That sounds, yeah. It sounds very Scottish to me. Montgomery Scott. Oh, yeah. Monty Scott. Montgomery Scott. God damn it. I like that. Is that good? That's something. I don't know. All right. Sometimes I think I could have been a Thespian. I eat deviliacs. I'm Montgomery Scott. God damn it. You. Give me back my son. That sounds like Alan. Oh, okay. That was going for Harrison. Get off my plate. Oh, yeah. You watched the Emmys? Yeah. I loved it. I thought the clock with the bank was great. I thought it was beautiful. I had no idea. I don't have my ear to the asshole. By the way, I got a big Nate's story. Ooh. Or Nate. Barguetzi. I got, I don't have my tits to the asshole. I was like, Nate's great. And then the next day, I was like, what a bag of shit. He should die. Oh, the reviews are not great. I had no idea. I thought the bit was great. I got to see him the day before. What? That was fun. Well, this is the thing. Nate Barguetzi is, he's at the top for a reason. Yes. Yes. I mean, talented guy. He's doing Denver comedy works, the ball arena, the ballroom, ball center with an avalanche play. We went. You and Ari went to a game. Oh, yeah. I feel like you guys connect a lot randomly. We do. We were in Nashville at the same time, Vegas at the same time, and Denver at the same time. There you go. And we'll be in New York at the same time. He's doing MSG probably this week when this comes out. Is that right? Three of them, probably. Yeah. So he's doing the ball arena, which is nuts, and one of those things. I love Nate, old friends, and he's got Julian there, another old buddy, and it's exciting. But you also have that thing, and I know you know the feeling. You know where I'm going with this. You have your weekend on the road. You're all sold out. Yeah. It's going to be fun. We're going to get out there. We're going to work. We're going to write. We're going to exercise. Yes. Hey, you know, Nate Bargazze's in town, and you're like, it's great, but also you're like, I was looking forward to being the boss. having the opener and we go and get breakfast and then we go to the park and get our steps in. >> I know exactly you mean. >> We sit at the coffee shop and write and then maybe we can speak in a movie. >> Yeah. >> And when someone's in town, there's no matter who it is, it could be your best friend. It could be you for God's sake. It could be your dad, it could be this party that's like, all right, we'll have to make a plan. >> Yeah. >> We've got to be here, we've got to be there. We've got to go this time, you have that thing. >> I have this thing and we all love Nate, but it's going to be his plan. >> Well, if you're like- >> If you're the arena guy, you're going to win. >> And if you're like, I wonder what I want to go to legal peets? That doesn't matter who it is, they're always like- >> Yeah, illegal peets. >> Yeah. >> We'll go to the fucking best steakhouse in the history of steakhouse, you'll know I know the steakhouse is good. I really like the legal peets, I love the legal peets. >> That place is fucking the tops. So anyways, you're excited. Again, it could be Mick Jaggers in town and he knows what a fan you are. He wants to meet you, you're still like, God, I'm going to find, I'm going to take him on the mic. >> I know, I know. >> I want to go to the movies. >> You got to Uber to Mick, find Mick, hang out with Mick, then you're like, when can I leave? Do I do I do an hour, is it all night, can I go home? >> And then you got your show, so yeah, I have my routine, Mick Galodian, I don't know, stretch. >> I've never done a set, Mickie's Big Mouth was a liquor, but he has a Big Mouth. >> I don't know Mickie's Big Mouth. >> I don't know Mickie's Big Mouth, it's a 40. >> No kidding, never heard of that, did you have that? >> Mickie's Big Mouth, where are you from again? >> Jersey, Staten Island, true New Yorker. >> By the way, I was driving to Potstown yesterday. We were driving for one full hour, I'm like, where are we, I'm like, we're in Staten Island. I'm like, we're still in the city I left. >> Weird. >> I went across the Hudson River to Jersey back across to Staten Island and back across again. >> It's the Bermuda Triangle. >> Well, Traficus Gay, whatever. >> That's it. >> Oh, there it is. >> Big Mouth, yeah. >> Yeah, it's a big green bottle. >> It's like a Southern thing or something. >> Yeah. >> Anyway, so Nate's in town, he's at the arena, and you also have this thing, it's like, you got, I got five sold out shows at the best club in the fucking country, added a show, we had a Sunday show. >> I love that. >> So you're feeling off the top of the world. >> Yes, yes. >> And then you're like, let's go over to the arena where Nate's doing three, he's doing 45,000 tickets. >> Wow. >> So you go over there and- >> This is the day? Are you going to open a pre show like, wow, you still got your show? >> He's got a 3 p.m. >> Oh, there you go. >> He's doing a seven o'clock Friday, a 3 p.m. Saturday and a 7 p.m. Saturday, and coming to join you, honey. >> So this one's going to say, to blow Nate a little, he's hosting the Emmys on Sunday. This way you've got a really respect Nate. >> They offer him the Emmys, you want to do the Emmys? >> Sure. >> Sure. >> They go, okay, it's September, whatever day that was, 15th or something. He goes, okay, well, I'm in Denver, Saturday, I'm doing two shows and they go, well, you got to cancel those. >> Yeah. >> You're hosting the Emmys on Sunday. You're not doing Denver on Saturday, and Nate was like, I mean, yes, I am. >> Yeah. >> So you got to respect him, this is a man of the people. He's like, I sold 30,000 tickets. I'm doing my shows. >> I'm doing it because those are the fans, the Emmys people, they don't give a shit about him. You think Hannah Angbinder gives a fuck about Brigazoo? >> Yeah. >> She fucking made me. >> Well, we'll get to that later. >> But it made me fart, that's funny, I don't think the same. But anyway, yeah, she sticks. But anyways, so Nate's doing two shows at the fucking arena. >> Yeah. >> So we go over there. He's like, come by. They're at the four seasons. Him, Julian, Aaron Weber, Justin Smith, and the guy Johnny W. Do you know that guy? >> I don't know W. >> He's a Nashville guy, very funny. So they're all over there. Plus he has Eric the barber. He's got his two tour managers. He's got two attractive women, I've no idea who they were. They were just there. >> You ain't gonna have a room. >> They were. >> I don't want to make it seem like he's like Charlie Sheen. And then they're all getting IVs too. The IVs all the rage. You got to have the IV. >> He didn't even drink. >> Well, he's got two shows in the travel, the Emmys, and Vitamin C, whatever. >> Boy, boy. So Karen's gets IVs all the time too, she doesn't drink. It's people want to feel all juiced up or something. >> HIV. >> I don't really get it. But so we go in, everyone's hooked up to IVs like it's Vietnam or something like that. >> Exactly. >> It's like a weird sci-fi movie or something, like what are we walking into? It's minority reports. I think it's nuts personally, but people seem to like it and it's fun. There's a guy in the guy doing it. It's like Jack. He's like in a great, he's like, you're just gonna make your B12 go up there. >> Your asshole's gonna be smelly, your dick's gonna be huge, I'm like, I know it should be getting this. >> Yeah, and it's always, it's the best way to get health without doing anything. >> Right. >> So it's like the best of both worlds, cuz you're like, I'm getting soaked with nutrients and vitamins and chemicals, and I'm sitting here. >> But then it's like, he pulls it out and like, it squirts everywhere, it's like literally blood just spraying everywhere. Luke passed out, he's a Jew, he can't handle it. >> Right, right. >> And so I got like blood sprayed like a Tarantino movie. Get the fin, a felt pen, a black fucking magic marker, a fucking felt pen. Oh, Rory Skullman was there too, who lives in Denver. >> I love this guy. >> It was just the greatest guy. I might move to Denver, I swear to God. >> Good comedy scene, I'd put it over Austin. >> It is fucking awesome, it's sunny every day, it's just perfect. Anyway, so we're all hanging out. >> We eat every day here. >> Look out the window, don't tell me we didn't make it, we made it. >> Great film. >> We hang out, and then it's like that thing where you're like, all right, we're gonna go, we're gonna go get some food, he's like, what a room service, I'm like, yeah, no, I know, but we're gonna go get some food, you get some food right here. Well, I got to get some steps, we got a treadmill. >> No, I'm like, don't worry about it, I'm gonna go shower, we got a shower, I'm like, all right, I'm leaving. >> So we leave, we go get lunch. >> I got to go my dad, we got to dad. >> So then we go back to the arena for the show, we'll check out the show for a little bit, we'll hang out. We go in there, everyone's hanging out. He's got three tour buses, just lined up, looks like guns and roses, and we go in, they're watching TV on the big screen. He's got Eric the barber, who's the man, and he goes, get a haircut, go get a haircut, get a shave. >> I love it. >> I mean, he's on the team. He's like, man, we're gonna get a haircut. >> Yeah, he's on the clock. >> It's like, oh, go get a haircut. So the show's gonna start, I got a haircut, Eric's, Eric the barber, he puts the thing on, he's shaving me up, buzzing me, giving me the natives, scooping me, squawking me, and then Luke Mona's, he's gonna get a haircut next. >> You better get your money's worth. So I go, great, this is gonna be great. So that would be fun if you were like, I got to go get a haircut, and he was like, we have a barber. It's just another thing you can't leave. >> Well, it was a beautiful haircut and Eric rules, so we're doing the thing, scooping it up, scooping it up, shows about to start, Luke's next, he's in line, I'm like, all right, you're gonna get a haircut, I'm gonna get a haircut, fantastic. My haircut finishes, I'm like, I'm gonna go watch the show. Luke gets in the chair, Julian McCullough's hosting, he's already, he hosts the whole show, he's done a set for 25,000 people, comes off, Aaron Weber's on stage, he goes, hey, can I jump you in line, Luke, I gotta get my beard trimmed up. >> Whoa, while performing. >> Is it in between acts? How crazy is this? >> That's too comfortable. >> What kind of topsy-turvy world? Because I'm always, when I host a show, well, Sash, I've left people on stage, because that happens, you forget, you're handed out, and all of a sudden, I don't like, if you leave someone on stage, he's on stage in front of 25,000 people. >> Yeah, that's insane, and just a neck trim. >> So he's gotten all trimmed up, and Luke is like, I've been waiting for half an hour, but I guess, I'm not on the show. >> Yeah. >> It's a free haircut, you can't complain on a free haircut. >> That's true, and he's working, you're not working yet. >> Exactly, so Luke's like, all right, so I'll just stay here. >> Wow, I'm gonna haircut bumped. >> He got haircut bumped. >> How about that? >> HCB, so I think I had my dick when I was in high school. So Julian goes back out, all right, Luke, you're in, let's get your haircut. So he starts getting his hair cut, they shave the side, the number two, number one, 69, whatever. >> Number two. >> Julian brings it to the next comic, he comes back, he's like, hey, let me get my mustache, it feels locked. I'm gonna do the pubes next, what do we do with it? >> And Luke thinks he's joking, so Luke's like, that's a good bet, because Julian's a jokester. >> Sure, sure funny guy. >> Yeah, so he goes, that's funny, and he goes, no, no, seriously, I get my mustache shaved. So Luke's like, okay, so Luke's got half a head shaved. Hitler mustache, a monocle, he's got his hairs and bows, yeah, that foam, what I mean, tinfoil shell. >> Yeah, yeah. >> Big tails, so he has to get up, his beard's fucking half, he's got shaving cream on his face. So now, every time Julian goes back out in front of 15,000 people, he's got a new trip. >> My God. >> I'm like, we're like, through the looking glass, this is crazy. >> This is too much, he's abusing the barber, I feel it. I'm not on stage, I'm on the floor of the arena going, where the fuck is Luke? All he had to do was get a haircut, so I go back, I'm like, what the hell's going on? He's like, I got bumps three times. >> My God. >> And he's got all the shit on his face, and I'm like, what are you doing, you missing the whole show? He's like, I'm trying to get my fucking haircut, I'm like, all right, sorry. >> That's great. >> So I go back out, I watch Nate, and Nate has the video, Shane has that big video, Nate's got the big video. >> Like a little promo. >> Yeah, and it starts with Nate, he's like 20 years old, he's like, I'm Italian, but I'm not, he's like a kid, he's got the glasses. >> Wow. >> Proud's going nuts, and he's got him in an interview, he's like, I'd really like to be a successful comedian, and it shows him, like, growing the music's building, the crowds going nuts, he's hosting the fucking Emmys tomorrow, he's all dressed in his thing, and up swooped up, he's swooped up, like, this is crazy. >> Crazy. >> He goes on, the place is going, absolutely nuts, he's killing, he's talking about the Emmys, he's doing the bits, and I get to hear all the bits the day before, and I'm like, you're gonna kill, this is amazing. >> Wow. >> So then I'm watching Nate, I watch Nate for about 10 minutes, now it's 430, we have a 7 o'clock show, we have a show. Luke finally pops out looking fresh as a daisy and he's like all right. I missed what's going on I'm like we have to go. That's what's going on. Yeah, he missed every single second Poor guy because he was getting haircut bumped. Damn. Did you see a second? Did he look all right? Yeah, wasn't that great. Oh Hats off literally to the barber because it ain't easy to cut a haircut again You know like well you if you're in the zone cutting ahead you got it down But if a guy steps out and steps back in that's a whole different animal. That's a good point and he's got to cut a dog a lizard again Everyone's here. I know there was most moment till I'm like white tip and Nate's like he's on salary. You have to tip him It's fine. I was like great, but then you're like this so much money seem making you know what you're like Should I give that guy a tip? No, like he doesn't need a tip. You're like whoa. He's making more than us. I'll tell you that So anyways, it was awesome that we went back to our shows that we had two sold out shows that were Insane I mean how many works is just fucking nuts in the words of Pete Holmes that audience is What do you call it clear cut cocaine? No, not clear cut pure No Yeah, shit. What do you say when you see things, you know pure raw uncut uncut jam uncut jam I think it's raw uncut coke raw uncut. It's just gold killer. There's no bad. It's just all good There's no a stepped on or a, you know, baby laxative in there. It's just hot. Yeah, they were It was it was amazing. It was fucking awesome and then they treat you so nice to the such big fans meet and greet and The guy. Oh, I forget his name. I'm so bad with names. He sold my merch for me. He's going to skank fat it was just fucking You don't want to go home. You want to go home? But you don't want to go home and that condo is amazing. It was great best time. We went out to a Columbine to which I'd never been. Oh, that's a weird little day trip very Very religious town. It was like an outdoor sermon going on like by the grace of God. You must come by Jesus Christ. Yeah, where's your God now literally? Yeah, but yes, that was that was neat All right, you tell me something bad. I feel like I'm talking too much. That's shave story. That can be a bit Maybe that feels like a you you can think about you. I think Luke can have it. All right. It's not his style though Yeah, maybe not all right. All right. I think you take it but So you mentioned having your your weekend ruin with a shoehorn thrown in You got to adjust adjustment. Yes, so I've been just having these great road weekends We're humming things are cooking now this weekend. I'm doing Alabama. Oh, no, huntsville NASA Von Braun the big Nazi. Oh, you know him he moved to Nashville or he moved to Huntsville after the war to work on rockets He was like the genius Nazi scientist and then they were like Well, kill you or you go to Alabama. Yeah, it's close. I don't know if I would call him the big Nazi I think Hitler has lace claim to the big Nazi well the middle Nazi medium. Yeah. Yeah, he's diet Nazi. There you go Good drink is this curables and Himmler and Hitler. Yeah, there's Himmler and Hitler. Oh, yeah, those are close. Yeah, him and hit him and hit so yeah, diet Nazi and Not selling but you're like all right, whatever next night is Haddie's bird Mrs. Sip Wow, now haddiesburg is hour half two hour from New Orleans So I got a lot of Nola cats drive it in this includes every asshole I went to high school with every jerk off went to college with every cousin nephew Incess partner you name it and my parents are coming to haddies Now I'm getting pulled in every which way because I got a we hired one of my friends to be the bodega guy down south bodega cat ah The liquor so he's in charge of that so he's like oh, you're coming down here I got to get you to sign eight million bottles. We're gonna do eight million videos. We're gonna do eight million things because I got you for a second Right, and I'm like I don't want to do eight million things. I got a show So I'm like all right, so he's pulled me one way that all my jerk off drinking high school people in college We were like we are doing shots. We're renting a goat. We're fucking it in the ass and we're filming it and we're drinking our faces off and I'm like Well, I can't really do that because my parents are coming my parents want to go out to dinner And my mom is so manipulative. She's like how about this? You don't want to fly out of haddiesburg shitty airport. Why don't we drive you to New Orleans? You sleep at our house and then you go to a fly out of New Orleans. That's not bad It's not bad, but now I got a getting a car with my parents drive for two hours sleep at their shitbox house and then drive from their little Suburb town back to the New Orleans airports It's a lot. It's a to-do. It's a whole to-do and you just want to have your hot show and your cocktail and your Your your feet up and your jerk off of watching storage wars. Yeah, you don't Tadal you don't you to don't To do to don't tire did you redo stinky do that tire fat tire great beer And my nickname for rubric, but Yeah, so this weekend's gonna. I'm just gonna like go rape victim go to a special place get through it and hopefully It's over. Oh, that's this weekend. Yeah. Oh, I was confused. I thought this happened Oh, no, see what happens coming up, but I'm like, hey great. We got two hot theater shows going back down south But now everybody you know is up your ass, right? You can't enjoy it. Well, there's nothing worse than a hometown gig It really is not anything worse. I told you I filmed the Comedy Central half-hour in Boston because they that's where they filmed them Yeah, and I was on stage. I can just see 14 members of my family like this And then afterwards you just filmed your half-hour special and it's like my uncle and aunt did getting divorced my brother and sister or fucking I'm like It's horrible like a manager and up by well you didn't pay for the train. I'm like this guy's like I did it I know my cousin's like can I use your shit. I hope you gotta hold down right? I'm gonna take a fucking dump Oh my Christ and the show is like 13th on the lit. My parents don't want to see my show, but they're like you're here So we're gonna be fucking the ass, but they don't see the show But the show it to me the show is number one. Yeah, but they don't see it that way, you know, so you're dressed and they're like where do we pop? I know Yeah, oh my Christ look what they charged me for the for the shrimp. I don't know. I don't care about shrimp But so that's gonna be a nightmare and I could just you know, they'll they'll do a thing where my friend will be like I'll finish the show and get right off stage my phone rings. Where are you? I'm in the green room. I just walked off stage. You saw me walk off and he's like what are you doing? I gotta sell merch. I gotta sign some shit. I gotta pick up my check and he's like all right. Well We're going to the bar and I go okay great Five minutes later we're at the bar. Where are you? I'm like I'm still here. I'm avoiding you is what I'm doing But they think like oh, we'll go see your show. That means you have to hang out with us, right? But I want to do the show. Well, sometimes too. That's like does this feel like - we're in the alley Waiting for you to be like now. I'm like I got my my old parents just sitting like a Boston alley, right? They're gonna get fucking Batman out there. Yeah, and so I'm having a banana and kissing my wife I gotta get out there because I got a bunch my parents are just living with the street people out there I know also you just told jokes for an hour you were on your feet tap dancing You're sweating. You're like a black comic with a rag and you you want to sit for a minute, but they're like let's go Yeah, let me just sit For a minute. Yeah, give me a minute. Give me a minute. That's all I'm asking I wonder if they do that with like Cirque du Soleil your cousin comes to you at Cirque du Soleil You would you dress like a cat and a gay mouse and then he's like all right? We're at a yard birds You're where you like up where I'm dressed as a gay cat. Give me a second Yeah, and you're like I just had both my heels tied around the back of my ass. Yes Yes, we're from a hook. I'm wearing a fake tail and high heels and a cock ring Give me one second to take a dump in a smile, but enough about my honeymoon folks Yeah, so that's happening this weekend. So I'll report back Yeah, I can't wait just trying to get through it. How about this? How much time do we have left? Do I have a time to tell a tale? Oh, okay that much Oh, yeah, we chatted up tough quite a bit. We just hit an hour We were calling all that horse shit up front just a little bit. That was maybe three minutes. I think Okay, yeah, wait the video was rolling on all that stuff Christ on Christmas, but no audio All right, the camera picks up some audio Because we really so had a great point. He's like that's all comedians. That's how comedians warm up for podcasts We're just like who do you hate right right like fuck that piece of shit that guy can blow me By the way, I saw a soda do the billbird in Riyadh That was brilliant. He's very funny guy funny guy speaking of warming up man I've been watching the season for a curb on the Delta flights now finish on bum, but how funny? I fucking Burst it out laughing very rarely L.O.L. on a plane But when it's like the final episode and swimmer and Larry Doing the producers they're doing the producers and Larry's like you want to walk over there? And swimmer's like we have an hour and a half he's like I'm doing some stretches. He goes do you warm up Larry goes warm up (laughing) - Ooh, warm up. - They were just making a mockery of acting. - Yes. - He's like, "I'm gonna do, I'm gonna do warm up at all." Warm up. - Uh, there he's like, "I'm gonna walk out." I don't know. - Yeah. - He's saying the things. - Oh, I love the Pirates Booty. I mean, there's some great stuff in the Ben Stiller that's sitting in the back seat. - Oh, the Ben Stiller's just amazing. It also has that episode of, somebody get a sponge. I don't understand why you get a sponge. - Oh, that's like one of the great lines. - I blew my mind when I saw that. - Survivor. - Warm up. - All right, well, I'll just say this real quick. So I'm back in Denver. So you know, the people know, they think I'm a creep fucking rapist or something, but I bleep the R word. Would you make a note? - He didn't make a note. - They can know. - Yeah, yeah, they think I'm a whacked job. - Who's there? What are you talking about? - The people on the internet, because you know, I reconnected with my former girlfriend out in Cleveland. - The big B-word. - Yeah. - B-a-ca. - B-a-ca. - B-a-ca. - B-a-ca, hi, B-a-ca, hi, mecha, hi, mecha, hi, mecha. - Well, so now we're friends again. Her brother lives in Denver. - Ah, that's right. - He's a huge Tuesday. - Oh, her whole family's coming out. - Whole families in Denver. So they're coming to the show. - Oh, better than your family. - Better than my family, but now this is a whole new thing. - Right. - 'Cause now I got my ex girlfriend's mother, family friends, and brother coming. And so I'm married with kids, but you still wanna be up there killing. - Of course. Well, I say do you. You're not married to this broad. You're not facing Becca. - Well, you do you, but you still want it to go well. - Of course, of course, yeah. - So I went out and bought a leather suit, backless, you know, biker gloves. - These backers look at my ass. - And then I'm like, I'm just a real fight. Woo, woo, woo, woo. So, polova, so, you know, I'm like, all right, I got healed boots and, you know, spikes down my ass. - Rhine stones, flat top. - Like a rhinestone cow, girl. - So I had to really bring the heat, but I felt nervous 'cause you're like, - Sure. - You wanna nail it. - Be killed 'cause you can't have your, you know, ex-inlaw people. - The one that got away. - Go up and be like, boys. - Yeah, yeah. - That sucked ass. - And you want their parents to go, - You should've married that guy. - He fucking crushed. - Of course. I want everyone to feel that way. - Sure. - He was stranger to me. - And I had to marry that boy with the socks at. - Right. - But anyway, so it went great. Then you got to meet him afterwards. And I told this story on Sonor's book, and so apologies for the repeat. But I go to do a meat and greet. They come to the meat and greet. And her neighbor, friend, goes, "Last time I saw you, this is so humiliating." - Oh boy. - And cringy. She's like, "Last time I saw you, "you were eating a box of blue box craft mac and cheese "on the pot with a PBR in my back seat." - Wow. - Now these people, what an image. - These are class people. They're like, high-end Denver. They're like wealthy people. - Yeah. - And my first time meeting the family, I'm such a white trash, neurodivergent, homosexual, piece of shit. - Yeah, that's like a white trash, white trash photo. Literally our box of mac pot. You got the pot. Not even a bowl. - You're eating it out of the pot. And also, it's her mother's, like, they're having, it's Christmas time too. They're having a dinner. I just didn't eat the dinner. I brought my own mac and cheese and cooked it. - What the fuck? - Like, they all ate dinner, whatever, turkey and cheese. And I just sat there like, "Boo-hoo-hoo, I don't like that." I picked you with a coonskin hat and a stick with a bag on it. - It's so humiliating. I was like laying in bed. My wife was like dying. Sarah's like, "That's so funny." And I'm like, "Cringe, I want to kill myself." - Why did you have the pot? Why'd you have a beer in the car? 'Cause I'm a piece of shit. - You brought a beer for the road? - I had a, I shut up with a six pack of PBR and mac and cheese. So they ate, they literally ate a family dinner and I just sat there being like, "I'm good. I got my mac and cheese." - Oh my God. - And they, and they live in like a fancy town. You know, they like, they're neighbors with Joe Sackick and John L.A., and I have a hole in my jeans, leather jacket, literally, and wire rim glasses. And I'm eating mac and cheese like, "Oh, look at this crazy." You got, y'all got big houses right here. - Yeah. - I mean, literally, they're like, do you want a glass of wine? No, no, no, I got PBR. - Oh, good. - Oh my God, that's wild. How did you not know that was crazy? You're not a dumb guy? - Well, here's the thing. This is what happened. When I met this woman, I met her at Carolina. She was with her mom and they were, they were drunk. They got drunk and so I got drunk with them. And they were like, "Woo!" But I didn't realize, this is like her one night, every five years getting drunk. So I thought like, "Oh, she's like my mom." So when I went there, we had met one time and we were fun and we partied. And I was the comedian guy drinking. So I thought, "I'll continue to be the comedian guy drinking." So I shut, and I was like, "PBR, Mrs. B?" And she was like, "What?" And so I must have left and they must have been like, break up with this man, this guy's a piece of shit, he's got a hole in his pants, he's got a crooked teeth. Not to mention the teeth, my God, the teeth. - Didn't want to break up the teeth. - And I appreciate it. And so they must have been just, December 26th, they must have been like, "You got to break up with him by New Year's Eve "with disowning you." - Oh, man. - But just, oh man, it's Mickey. I mean, to have somebody see you after the show and you're feeling great and be like, "Remember the Mac and Cheese, the PBR?" And you're like, "Yeah, yeah, "Remember the Mac and Cheese, the PBR." - At least they're over it and you flipped them, Jerry. - Yeah, they all were very nice, very sweet. And her brother's the man, and she said, she sent me a nice text, they all love the show, you're great, we're proud of you. So it's all swell, that ends well. But you're like, "God, what a bag of farts." And I really thought that was kind of funny and churn. - And it's true, yeah, you try to be yourself. - Yes, yes. - I like to eat craft Mac and cheese. I don't like vegetables at the time. - Right. - And I like PBR. - And at least you brought your own shit. You weren't like, "I'm not eating this horse shit." You still brought something. - Yeah, I wasn't like, "Go get me some Mac and cheese." - Yeah, exactly. So that's what I used to call you a rack of PBR. - But she must have been, the girlfriend must have been like, "Oh, probably." But we were young, neurodivergent. I'm going with neurodivergent. - Well, the neighbor, we have a neighbor over here, and they're like high-end, well-to-do, French. They speak all these languages. They're kids wear cardigans and have scoamed hair. My kids wear a shirt that says "queef." You are one Z if a shit is S. And I bring them over there. And it's like they have all these beautiful setups with cupcakes and all this shit and fruit and whatever. And they have a lady doing like a petting stuff. The lady brought a bunny and a turtle. So they really like went all out. And it's like a kid's first birthday or something. So I brought my kid. He's like trying to fuck the turtle and all this. And I don't want wearing sweatpants or wearing the flip-flop, I'm like, "It's the neighbor." - Of course. - It's an easy commute. I'll walk right over and everybody's dressed in nine blazers and slick hair. And I'm trying to be folksy 'cause I'm the comedian. - Right. - So one of the guys goes, "Oh, you live right here. "There's a lot of cool stuff at Barclays." And he goes, "Yeah, well, a lot of cool stuff." And the WNBA. And he was like, "I'm bad." What do you mean? And I was like, "Wow, just WNBA place." He's like, "Man, I did that thing when you double down "because you're kind of bombing." So you're like, "I'll go harder." That'll get them harder in the paint. - Yeah, and I was like, "You know, WNBA, "when they got a game here, this is just flottin' "with Lesbos down the street." I mean, it looks like fucking Lilith Fair out there. And the record goes, "Reeek!" And I see the whole audience of like, "Who would buy this chooch?" Like, "Where'd you come from?" A trailer park and I'm like, "No, I'm the neighbor. "I share a wall with these." - Right, oh boy. - It doesn't go away. It's still in there. - Yeah, of course. Yeah, you always feel like a bag of turds, but what can you do? - Yeah, what can you do? - Wow, a neurodivergent. - Yes, we got to get a shirt that says that. Just so I don't feel like surprise people anymore. - Right. Find out quick enough. - Right on the shirt. - Yeah, neurodivergent sounds cool. - It's not like you can like, travel through space. - Yeah, yeah, exactly. Like we can see through a wall or something. - Turn on the, (mimicking sounds) neurodivergent, I don't know. - Big pile. - Oh, boy. - Yeah, so. - Big Nazi. (laughs) - Yeah, so, I guess we're white trash or the core, but I bet they saw you and we're like, boy, he's really grown. - I think so, yeah, I think they were like, I think that was like, you know, it was like dog whistle politics. I think there was dog whistle texting. - What does that mean? - What do you mean? - Dog whistle texting. - Well, you know, dog whistle politics is like, when you say like, we're gonna make America great again. The dog whistle is like, less blacks. - Oh. - That's not my interpretation. I'm saying that's what people mean by that. - The subtext. - Yes, it's gonna be like the good old days. Like, if you run a stump speech in Alabama and you say, we're gonna make it like those great old days here in Alabama. People, what do you call that, perceive that as being like, we're gonna get the whites back on top. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - And there's certainly plenty of other ways to do it. I'm just using this example, don't at me. I don't care, I'm telling you. But, so the text is like, you've really grown. - Oh, I got it. - It's them dogwistly being like, you were a bag of shit. We're relieved you're not in life anymore. - Yes, yes, yes. Well, it's a variety, therapy, the teeth. - Yeah. - And so a lot of fixes. - Big fix, the warts, warts. I don't know if they knew about that one. - Oh, they knew. - All right. - She knew. - Okay. - Yeah, she had her hands all over that. Enough the brother knew. Oh, we're getting the sign from a rupert. That's time to wrap it up. That's another episode. Big room. You got spots tonight? Tonight. No, I got nothing tonight. Finally a night off. I my week I came straight back from Austin to New York for a day to Denver came home and went straight to Royars for or bots town and then Tuesday had something crazy too. I came over the fuck. I can't remember what day Tuesday was all a blur of I'm up down. I'm left. I'm right. I did the DMV all day today. It's my birthday, and I did spend the DMV. Is that a Delta or what? That's brutal. Today's your birthday. Happy birthday. Paroo by puzzle to 42. Wow 42. Yeah, that's I think Jackie Robinson's numb. Oh, yeah. They were tired it, which doesn't make any sense for everybody. Nobody can wear it. But who's the 42nd prize? 40 second prize. Well, no, I think Clinton Clinton was 43, wasn't he? Pretty sure. Yeah, George W. It's 43. Okay. So Clinton was 42. I just somehow completely spent I remember what I did Tuesday night. I'll tell it on the next episode. I went to Vampire Weekend. Is my Huggins in the band. What got me VIP tickets me and Matt Wayne, and her husband will is the fucking man. He's like the keyboard player. He's insane. He plays office ass. It's crazy. Wow, we can you tell me how Luke's haircut. You got Vampire Weekend ticket. I know VIP. We met the band. We were backstage. He was crazy. In the bells on the fucking. It was not the best out of my life. And I'm. This is a fucked up. You get when you have a job and a child. I'm like, what did I do two days ago? I'm like, Oh, I was backstage meeting a rock band. What a wacky life. Crazy. Anyways, a bunch of dates coming up. I don't know when this fucking comes out. Irvine. Any idea. I'm going to Saudi Arabia, Oslo, Helsinki, Dublin, and what's the one in Frank footer? Sweden, Sweden, Sweden, Stockholm, Stockholm. That's the love in there. There you go. Stockholm syndrome. What's the way your wife left town on your birthday? Yeah, he really used it. I got a lot out of that. A lot of mileage out of that one. She didn't realize it. She booked the tickets. And then she was like, wait, your bird. Oh my god. I said, I'm crushed. I can't believe you do this to me. You fucking bitch. I'll kill you. You fat whore. And she just went on a trip with your son on your birthday. Yeah, I don't think she's coming back. That's one of the worst things I've ever heard. Just neurodivergent. It was just an honest mistake, but yeah, I really got some mileage out of it. All right. Hell yeah. Well, so Irvine October 2nd through the 4th Irvine Improv. And I can't remember what the fuck is this? I can't remember where my other dates. I got to kill myself. Something's wrong with me. Oh, New Brunswick. I know I'm doing stress factory New Brunswick. November a 6th through the 8th, 8th through the 10th. Whatever that first weekend is New Jersey stress factory. Come on. Good club. And I'll get you on the list. The movie, Tom Dustin Portrait of a comedian is fucking killer. I can't believe I'll tell you the numbers. It's crazy. And I just want to give a shout out to every single person that commented was like, why would anyone want to see this movie? He's not going to make any money back. You're incorrect. Wow. I'll just say that. Well, we got a lot of fucking horrible people that don't like us, but way more that do. And it's been unbelievable in touching and wonderful. So keep buying it. Keep watching it. And we're making a Skankfest movie. Check out the dates. Bunchuplive.com. Please get on the Patreon. We're about to record one here here. I'm tired. We're queer. We got a bonus to do. Uh, and yeah, we'll see you in hell. Thanks a lot. Cleaf it up. Get on the Patreon. I'm gay. [Music]