Speaker 1Therapy's biggest impact doesn't show up in some dramatic breakthrough. It shows up in the smallest moments. You bite your tongue instead of escalating. You put your phone down instead of firing off that text. You say what you actually mean instead of what would hurt someone else the most. Nobody applauds those moments, but they quietly change your life. That's what growing feels like. And that's exactly what Grow Therapy is here for. Grow is therapy that works, covered by insurance. Sessions average $21 with insurance, and some pay as little as $0 depending on their plan. There are no subscriptions, no long-term commitments. You just pay per session. Grow connects you with thousands of high-quality, licensed therapists across the U.S., offering both virtual and in-person sessions, nights and weekends. You can search by what matters, like insurance, specialty, identity, or availability. And you can book a therapy session in minutes and begin in as little as two days, not the national 48-day average. See if you could pay as little as $0 for therapy in seconds at GrowTherapy.com slash ACAST. That's GrowTherapy.com slash ACAST. GrowTherapy.com slash ACAST. Availability and coverage vary by state and insurance plan. At Harmony Bank, we
Speaker 2believe that better happens together. We're a locally owned bank built on relationships and personally committed to your success. Our community bankers are ready to make quick decisions. No big bank bureaucracy, just a custom approach to help you thrive. From business loans to mortgages and everyday banking needs, Harmony Bank provides a secure, modern experience with a touch of Texas hospitality. We're Harmony Bank, where better happens together.
Speaker 3Hello and welcome to the How Not to Screw Up Your Kids podcast. So, pour yourself a cuppa, find a comfy seat, and enjoy the conversation. This is episode 55, and today's episode is all about the six essential skills your children wish you'd taught them before they became adults. Now, this title came about, my eldest is now 22, has handed in his last assignment at university, has taken his last exam. And he's. Kind of, literally, in the next few weeks, about to embark on adult life properly, really, at 22, finding a job, and all that that brings. And it was quite interesting, I was having a conversation with him and actually my daughter, we spent a few days away in London. And we were just having a conversation about, you know, as adults now, and particularly for my son, as he's embarking on true adult life. What are the things that you wish, you know, we taught you when you were a child, that you think are the kind of. The key essential skills. So, my six tips here, really, the six skills, have pretty much come from my. What my children feel. And in fact, when I've done a bit of digging around and a bit of research, there was a light-hearted article written in the Telegraph recently. About the six sort of essential skills a journalist felt that they should have known before they became a parent. And that was actually quite thought-provoking. And a lot of the things that are in there about being a parent are also some of the really key skills that we want to teach our children. So, I hope you find this useful. And it slightly embeds within you, or you begin to start thinking about. Okay, yes, of course, there are some really important skills in terms of our children at school and how well they do academically. And that sort of social aspect. But there is so much beyond that, that we don't really realise until our children embark on adulthood that we. That are. And some of these skills are not like hugely difficult ones, but it's things, I think, potentially that we overlook. So, let's dive in and in no particular order. The first one, the first skill that your children need you to teach them before they become an adult is how to make small talk. Our children don't necessarily have that skill. And as adults, quite often, we don't necessarily have this skill. But it's the small talk that we have maybe when we're standing in line in a queue. Or the small talk that we might need to have when we're in a group situation. Or when we're meeting people for the first time. Maybe it's a drinks party that we go to. Maybe it's a new school or university or a setting that we find ourselves in where we have to be able to sort of have conversations with people who we don't know. And it's such a. I think it's such a sort of. It's a skill that we actually have to practise. Some people seem to be supremely capable in making small talk and don't seem to have an issue about that at all. And other people really struggle with it. Because small talk isn't. It isn't just the ability to spark a conversation. It's how you hold yourself. The ability to make eye contact. The lack of self-consciousness. And that kind of icky feeling that you often get caught up in. And that children particularly get caught up in. That I think, in lots of ways, we take that into adulthood. But if our children are taught this from a really young age, then quite often, if we teach it to them when they're young, they don't have a lot of that ickiness. So, for example, I personally. I personally believe my ability to make small talk and have conversations with random people, which is often quite embarrassing for my poor children. But I personally believe that that skill has come from the fact that I was the daughter of a doctor. The daughter of an Egyptian doctor. And so we often spent our weekends. Most of my weekend recollections when I was a child were that we would go and visit another set of doctors in another part of the country. And I would have to make small talk. I would have to make small talk and play with children. I did not know who they were. They weren't always the same age as me. But I found myself in these situations constantly. And although I moved to school a few times, because obviously my father being a doctor, working in hospitals, when you get these promotions, you tend to move around the country. So I'm convinced that my ability to make small talk is because I was forced into that situation by circumstance. Not forced into it in a. A contrived, artificial way. But the circumstances of that meant that my father often had big gatherings with lots of other doctors who had lots of other children. And so I had to kind of create that. We can create these situations either through circumstances. Maybe we're a family that entertain a lot. Maybe we holiday with other families a lot. Maybe we're members of lots of clubs. Maybe we're members of a church. Maybe we're sort of part of a wider community with neighbours. And other things. But what is really essential is that we create the environment in which our children are able to practice skills of conversation. You know, this notion of small talk so that they can acquire these skills. Because they're so key to adulthood. So much of employment and what we do when we're older involves other people. And if we're able to feel comfortable at making small talk, having those conversations. Whether it's about the weather or the latest television programme or something politically. Or just generally having those conversations. It means that our children are already set up when they go to interviews and other things that make such a huge thing. So how to make small talk I think is an absolute essential skill. Now the second skill, please don't laugh, but I genuinely think this art has lost. How to use the telephone. Please don't laugh and don't snigger. But I don't know about you and you're listening to this, but most children and teens have a real reluctance and an aversion to using the telephone on the base. So this isn't their mobile phones, but this is actually making a telephone call. And you'll find some children don't particularly like FaceTiming grandparents or aunties or uncles. And we saw a lot of that during the pandemic. But potentially children have become more skilled in that. But for me, what I have seen. Time and time again, not only with my children, but with a lot of the children and teens that I work with, is that they're reluctant users of the telephone. And in lots of ways, society has enabled us to book tables at restaurants, to make doctor's appointments, all sorts of things online using apps or forms on websites. But actually being able to make a telephone call and arrange something or raise a query with someone or a company or an organisation. Or maybe even just confirm an interview date or anything, I think is a skill that our children do not possess. Now, obviously, as a older 53 year old, that's all that we had. If we needed to book anything or to organise anything, you did it by telephone. So I do think it's a skill that is so crucial because when our children embark on adulthood and interviews and other aspects of their life, they need to be able to pick up that telephone. And be able to have a conversation, whether they need to resolve an issue, make a dentist appointment, anything like that is really important. And I think we can encourage our children to do that from a young age. So much of the inhibitions that they have, that self-consciousness, that embarrassment comes as they become older and that internal conversation and that narrative becomes sort of more powerful. So if we are encouraging our children, I mean, you can remember children when they're little and they've got little playgrounds. toys, toy telephones, and they put them to their ears and they're messing about encouraging them to have conversations with family I think if we continue that not necessarily with electronic devices but good old-fashioned telephones then I think that that's a really crucial skill so they don't create this fear what I tend to see a lot with and I certainly can speak in terms of my own children there's a lot of fear and anxiety around picking up that telephone and having that conversation maybe messing up or saying the wrong thing whereas if they practice that it's such a crucial crucial skill so as I say don't laugh don't mock it but I think that that's such a crucial skill that I think is really lost so the first one is how to make small talk the second is how to use the telephone the third is around using their voice or slash public speaking and this is the notion of them being able to feel that they're able to clearly communicate with their voice their desires their aspirations their needs or what they want in a particular situation so sometimes using their voice may well be conversationally with somebody else that may be over the telephone that may be via small talk but sometimes that is actually being able to use their voice in a public speaking manner because so much of what our children will do at school but also beyond in terms of potentially their university or college and then beyond in terms of work is that they will need to present their thinking their findings their pitch their interview style whatever it might be there'll be an element of them being able to effectively communicate their thoughts their beliefs their views and I personally believe that we don't always focus in on that you know these six essential skills that we're looking at are not necessarily academic skills these are life skills which I think sometimes they become a bit of an afterthought because they're not necessarily academic skills they're not necessarily academic skills maybe we think of that later on when our children are about to embark on things and we think oh goodness me they probably do need to know how to use the telephone and some of the other skills I'm going to talk about but actually if we embed that as part of those foundational layers those foundational skills that we teach our children at home where they're in that safe environment where we're there to help coach them we're help there to help support them they're able to practice in an environment that is familiar to them that they've got those skills that they're skills ready when they're then in a situation that is completely new and alien but they've got those core skills so it's encouraging our children to use their voice and that can be just around posing questions at the mealtimes and having discussions within the family and making sure that each person in the family gets airtime they get the opportunity to communicate and that there isn't any ridicule or mocking or laughter and I say that because I don't think that we deliberately go out and make fun of each other and I don't think that we deliberately go out and make fun of each other and ridicule and mock our children but sometimes we might inadvertently say something or laugh at something particularly with younger children when they come up with views that are not sort of grounded in reality that demonstrate an element of naivety but also that naivety is what potentially will create new ways of thinking and innovation so it's having conversations as a family about how it's important to listen to others viewpoints so that you can learn you can understand other people's viewpoints but it's also really important to acknowledge that other people think differently to us and that their opinions and their views are just as valid because part of this notion of being able to use their voice being able to make small talk being able to use the telephone and public speaking is being able to take on board what other people say being able to listen and acknowledge what other people are saying and what they're saying and what they're not saying and what they're not saying and what they're not saying and then being able to formulate a response as a result of that and that's a huge part of being able to make small talk and being able to use a telephone it's as much the listening skills as it is the communication skills of being able to speak because communication isn't just talking it's also being able to listen to take on board other people's viewpoints and then adapt and modify our response maybe our questioning in response to that so creating situations where we allow our children to use their voice so part of that is about discussions in the family home because that's a really safe space and also part of that is encouraging our children as part of their problem solving to then speak up for themselves when they're trying to resolve conflicts whether that's with their friends whether there may be something that they need to resolve or communicate to their teacher about a piece of work or about something that they've missed or something that they need to get sorted out it's about being able to make sure that we are constantly thinking about these essential skills how am I as a parent creating an environment where I'm allowing my child to practice those skills how much practice are they getting
Speaker 1therapy's biggest impact doesn't show up in some dramatic breakthrough it shows up in the smallest moments you bite your tongue instead of escalating you put your phone down instead of firing off that text you say what you actually mean instead of what would hurt someone else the most nobody applauds those moments but they quietly change your life that's what growing feels like and that's exactly what grow therapy is here for grow is therapy that works covered by insurance sessions average 21 with insurance and some pay as little as zero dollars depending on their plan there are no subscriptions no long-term commitments you just pay per session grow connects you with thousands of high quality licensed therapists across the board the u.s offering both virtual and in-person sessions nights and weekends you can search by what matters like insurance specialty identity or availability and you can book a therapy session in minutes and begin in as little as two days not the national 48 day average see if you could pay as little as zero dollars for therapy in seconds at grow therapy.com slash a cast that's grow therapy.com slash a cast grow therapy.com slash a cast availability and coverage vary by state and insurance plan
Speaker 4at children's health our team of experts works tirelessly to fill our balloons with something incredible innovation breakthroughs treatments hope and their hard work has once again earned children's health dallas recognition from u.s news and world report as one of the best pediatric hospitals in the nation ranked in all 11 pediatric specialties recognized for excellence filled with hope that's incredible together because when we're talking about
Speaker 3this whole growth mindset this notion that you know the brain is a muscle the more we practice the stronger it becomes these skills are exactly the same their competencies and skills that our children will become more accomplished at the more they're allowed to practice it the more we create an environment and a safe space for them to be able to do that so we're going to talk a little bit about how we're going to be able to do that in the future so it's it's reminding ourselves you know what have i done today as a parent that has helped facilitate some of these six core skills that i know are going to be essential for them for later life rather than them trying to learn them in their teen years when they have a whole host of other things that they're trying to manage by giving them these skills from a really really early age helping your children use their voice can happen the minute our children are able to speak and learn you know they've started learning using their own words and they've started learning using their own words they can communicate and use their voice to make decisions about whether they want broccoli and peas with their dinner or whether they want broccoli and carrots it's helping them use that voice exercise choice from a young age and then acknowledging that so that when they get older they have got that confidence so the three essential skills so far are how to make small talk how to use the telephone using their voice slash public speaking it's the combination of both of those the three essential skills so far are how to make small talk how to use the telephone the fourth one is time management and i think this is such an important such an important skill because as our children get older they have to take more and more responsibility for managing their own time and certainly when they leave home whether that is because they're going to a school where they're boarding whether they're going on to a college whether they're going on to university or maybe they're leaving home because they've they've secured a job and that is taking them away from home but being able to manage their own time and certainly when they leave home obviously that also is helpful in terms of revision in terms of homework in terms of getting things done it's such an important skill and obviously when our children are younger we don't necessarily sort of give them their own time to manage because we usually schedule things for them but it's beginning to think about how can we help our children manage time how can we help give them choices within a framework so what i mean by that is that homework needs to be done bedtime needs to occur meal time needs to happen but can we give our children some flexibility around when that occurs during a specific period of time when we're talking about managing tech that's also time management so they have a certain amount of technology time that they're able to enjoy whether that's per day whether that's per week how much do we encourage them and allow them to do their own problem solving in terms of managing that time themselves so they're learning these skills because a lot of this is thinking in our heads that our children are not going to get this right. We're expecting them not to get this right. We're expecting not to be able to make small talk easily. We're expecting them not to be able to use the telephone, to use their voice in public speaking, or to manage their time. But what we're doing is creating an environment for them to practice, to fail, to make mistakes, and then to be able to pick themselves up so they can continue practicing until they reach a level of accomplishment. And that's why I feel it's so important that we're doing this when they are younger, so that these bumps in the road, these ups and downs, these peaks and troughs occur in the safety of that home nurturing environment where we're there to scoop them up. We're there to help talk and coach them and problem solve and tweak and refine and think about what they might do next, rather than them being plunged into this at a time where they really need to be able to hit the ground running. So it's helping our children with time management, giving them scope where possible to manage their own time, and then reviewing and reflecting on how they've done that and asking them in a coaching manner. Remember, we've got to shift our parenting away from fixer mode, away from telling mode to a much more coaching consultative, how can we look at this in a different way mode, and helping them with that time management. So four so far are how to make small talk, how to use the telephone, using their voice and that public speaking aspect, time management. The fifth one I think is a really crucial one. I mean, all of these are crucial, but coping with stress. So this is about normalising stress, normalising that there will be periods of time in their lives where they will be feeling quite overwhelmed, that they will feel that they've got a lot of demands being placed on them in a very short timeframe, and that they're not going to be able to cope with that long timeframe. So first of all, it's that notion of normalising stress. And then the second aspect is encouraging our children to practise and use different tools and strategies to help them manage that overwhelm. So if we normalise the fact that at some point, and there will be certain periods of your life where you will feel overwhelmed with lots of things, there'll be lots of demands being placed on you. So if this is going to happen, how can we begin to start equipping you, equipping yourself, with what you need bespoke times to be able to do best? What are the tools and strategies that you need to help you in those moments? And it's knowing that it isn't just one tool, it isn't a one-size-fits-all, it's individual, but it's also circumstantial. Some things for your child might work really well when it comes to exam stress that may not necessarily work as effectively when they're feeling stressed around friendships or feeling stressed around making decisions. So it's helping our children, you know, first of all, normalise this notion of stress, helping them accept that these are things that happen, that there are times where we feel overwhelmed, and also being able to create their own set of tools and strategies that help them manage that. And it's tweaking and refining and things that might help them with stress, maybe when they're younger, maybe when they're younger there, jump on the trampoline, and that's a really helpful strategy. Maybe when they're younger, they find that playing with their toys, or role-playing is really helpful, but maybe that isn't necessarily as helpful to them as adults, or maybe not as accessible to them as adults. Maybe when they're younger, they've got more free time, because school day finishes earlier, there's less demands on homework, so they've got more expansive space for that. But as they become older, and maybe they take part in lots of different clubs and activities, or they've got exam pressures, that that changes. So it's helping them by normalising stress, talking about it even before, their stress, that there are going to be times where you're going to feel overwhelmed, and then thinking through, and helping them, and coaching them, and getting them to practice regularly, even at times when they are not stressed. What's so key in terms of coping with stress is not waiting to become overwhelmed, but knowing that overwhelm is going to happen, what are the things that we can do that always give us that space, that expansive space, that helps us decompress, so that actually what we do is when we get that peak of stress, maybe it's not quite as a peak as it could have been, because we've been putting these things in place. So that's a really, really important skill, and it's a massive life skill. And it's just helping our children understand that they need different tools for different situations, and that those tools and strategies may change and evolve as they get older. And knowing it's a lifelong process, that you as an adult have to use different mechanisms to cope with stress, and that they will too. So the five we've covered are how to make small talk, how to use the telephone, using their voice, time management, coping with stress. And the sixth one is how to manage money. So often we don't have this conversation with our children, and yet it is a crucial, crucial part of adulthood. And in fact, when you look at aspects of money mindset, and our attitude, and our behaviour with money, often set when we are young. So it is so important that we teach our children how to manage money. And the obvious thing that so often we do as parents is that we give our children pocket money. Great. But do we talk to our children about how they use that pocket money? And I think maybe you do. Maybe you're already giving them a lot of the lessons that they need to know, but maybe you're not. And what I'm talking about when I'm talking about how do they manage their pocket money is, do we have conversations with them? Do we talk to them about how they manage their pocket money? Do we have conversations with them about how they might apportion their pocket money? So how they might set aside some of it for a rainy day, how they may set aside some of that pocket money for something that they're saving towards, and how they might set aside a certain amount that they just spend on anything they feel like in any given moment. And the reason why that's a great skill to is that we're teaching them when they're older, and then they're then getting a salary about saving for a rainy day. So always having an emergency fund available should their car break down, should they need a new shower unit or sink or something, they have a leak in their roof or something. You're also helping them, you know, future plan for their own retirement and putting things in place either for their retirement, or maybe they want to buy a house, maybe they want to buy a car. And then you're also teaching them about apportioning a certain amount of their salary that they can just spend on whatever they feel like. But these are so much the habits, of good money management, so that our children are always creating their own wealth relative to their income, creating a rainy day pot so that they always feel financially secure, but also being able to enjoy life too, on the things that they want to enjoy. And I would say that we probably don't do a huge amount of that. And I know that that's something that I've been particularly guilty of. You know, I'm sure as parents, we've often cursed and rude the day that we've given our children a pocket money, and then they've spent it on something really that we don't necessarily think is sensible, or that we've given them the pocket money on that day, and an hour later, they spent all of it. And, and of course, our children are living in the moment, they're very present, of course, they're not necessarily thinking about their pensions and their homes or their cars. But actually, we don't need to have those conversations necessarily with a six year old who's spending their pocket money. But we can have a conversation with a six year old when we're giving them their pocket money of the expectation that they're going to spend it on something that we have with that pocket money, you should spend x amount, you should save x amount, and why you spend on whatever you want. But it's, it's having those conversations, so that they then begin to have those, learn those patterns of behaviour from a young age. So when they do get the large amounts of money that will become their salary, large relative to their pocket money, of course, that they're then able to continue those habits and find themselves financially secure, and being able to generate a row, their own pot of wealth, whatever that wealth looks like for them. So I hope you found those six essential skills really useful. They're not things that I think most of us would have necessarily thought about. But they've been a really useful exercise, certainly for me in terms of having a conversation with my children. So they are how to make small talk, how to use the telephone, using their voice, either in terms of small groups or public speaking, time management, coping with stress, and how to manage money. And my give this week, as usual, is going to be these top six strategies placed in a checklist. So you've got some space maybe to reflect underneath about what you might be doing already, that is addressing these or what you think you might need to start doing. And it can potentially start spark a conversation with your partner about how can we begin to implement these? And how can we begin to implement these for each of our children? Because the way you implement these is by putting them in a checklist. So if you've got a checklist, the way you implement them will be slightly different for each child, not just based on their age, but based on their development and where they are now. So the idea is it will serve that reminder and you can use that. So you need, as usual, head over to my free resource library, drmaryhann.com forward slash library, where you'll find the link to download this resource. And all you need to do is pop in your email address and you'll get instant access not only to this week's resource, all the other free resources across all my podcast episodes. As ever, if you have enjoyed this episode, I would be so grateful if you could leave a review. and follow this podcast so that others can find us and we can spread the love so until next time at harmony bank we believe that better happens
Speaker 2together we're a locally owned bank built on relationships and personally committed to your success our community bankers are ready to make quick decisions no big bank bureaucracy just a custom approach to help you thrive from business loans to mortgages and everyday banking needs harmony bank provides a secure modern experience with a touch of texas hospitality we're harmony bank where better happens together
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