5 Ways People Manipulate You Without Looking Manipulative

Most manipulation doesn't look like manipulation. That's why it works. Most people are going to think manipulation as controlling, aggressive, obvious, and intentional. However, the most effective manipulation is very subtle, but it's going to create guilt, confusion, obligation, self-doubt, and emotional pressure. Well, without ever directly asking you for what they want, how would it look manipulative? The goal isn't always do what I say. The goal is often feel what I need you to feel. And once someone can influence your emotions, they can often influence your behavior. Let's chat. Hey, hey, hey, everybody and welcome back to the Positive D experience. It's your girl, Lori. Damn, am I excited that you're here. It is extremely hot where I am. You guys already know I am very much a fall girl, so I'm doing a countdown to fall. But right now it is extremely hot where I am. And I know some of you are in the Southern Hemisphere, where it's chilly. Please send some weather this way. Now, this episode is going to be really good. And it comes from a couple of my clients that I see. You guys know I see clients and just recently, just having to be like one this week, one last week. And they said, you know, sometimes I get tripped up by the manipulation, or I think it's manipulation, but I'm not sure is it manipulation? So it can be very confusing. And they said, do you think that you can go and go a little bit deeper? And a lot of you know, I already plan all of my topics for 52 episodes each end of the year. So I've already started 2027. But I do like to hold a little space when people need something and just happen to be two separate people said, Hey, I'm a little confused. And I think that that's what they want. Now, over on Patreon, if you are like, damn, maybe that is me. Maybe these people are doing this or maybe I'm doing this. Go over to Patreon and grab the worksheet. www.patrion.com/thepositivityexperience. Yes, I can work with you. Yes, we can work together. But only if you're tired of your own shit. I am not good for anybody else. It just I'm not that person. If you are ready to dive in and you're ready to look at yourself and really make changes, but be willing to hear things and take responsibility, then I'm your girl. And you can also do that over at my website, the positivityexperience.com. So I'm really excited to talk to you about this. I'm going to talk to you like a wood. Any of my clients, which is why this topic is here. A lot of times, you know, we think manipulation as, hey, I'm going to control the hell out of you. This is what I'm going to do. It's obvious. You're like, come on, man, I see what you're doing. You're trying to manipulate me. You're trying to gaslight me. Well, not all manipulation is going to be obvious gaslighting. And that's where it can be confusing, which is why the person, the people who asked me to do this said, you know, it can be very, you know, disorienting because I think it's one way, but then there is gaslighting. But then is it really gaslighting? And so it can confuse you. And it's called covert manipulation. We've heard a covert manipulators covert narcissism. And think a covert is just not obvious. So your brain in general, we have talked great deal about the brain because I do use a lot of science and psychology here. But the brain is wired to preserve itself. Period. Your brain is wired to preserve itself. I've told you this multiple times. Back in cave man days, you had to go out and get yourself a saber tooth tiger for dinner. So you had to preserve your brain. You had to be like, all right, I'm tunnel vision. This is what I mean. So your brain inherently has nothing to do with your trauma, nothing to do with where you are today. The natural orientation of a brain is to be wired to preserve. Now of course, trauma and other things can throw that off. But essentially, that's what your brain is is doing. So the human brain is craving that connection, which can also create problems. I'll talk to you about that in a minute, belonging approval, emotionally safe. It's right. So you're looking for emotional safety. But covert manipulation is going to exploit those systems. So yes, we are not an island of one. Yes, our bodies work on community. The issue comes side note. The issue comes when you're trying to make a community. But I don't have anybody. I'm a glum onto this person. So now we have attachment issues. Now we have insecurity. That's going to create resentment. That's going to create expectations. And then once again, you're going to feel isolated. So if you've ever been around people and they go, everybody treats me this way. Let's go back into faint helplessness. Well, it's not everybody. If it's if you ever hear somebody go, everybody does this. It's not everybody. It's them. So it cannot be everybody. Nobody is going to do that. But when there's a covert manipulation, that's going to trigger guilt, shame, which we know shame is completely unproductive. There's a fear of conflict that comes up, a fear of rejection, of responsibility. And that has to that's there before any logic has time to engage. There's no logic. It's because you're a logic brain, you're front, you know, your prefrontal cortex and you're a migdala kind of argue with each other. So your amygdala goes, we're in danger. And we cannot tolerate this. We don't like this discomfort. I don't like how this is going. We need to go to battle. Well, the problem solving of you and the logic doesn't have time to catch up to it. So if you've ever thought to yourself, well, I know that that's not not good. I know it's, yeah, but you're talking logic after the fact. Remember just because you know something now doesn't mean that you can enact it prior. So I tell my clients, listen, you can't say, oh, why didn't I do this? My God, I have done that countless times in my life. Why did I make that decision? Why didn't I do this? Why? Okay, but we're here now. It's okay to look and reflect. Just don't drag it on over here and feel like you have to, you know, suddenly carry the cross of everybody's emotions. But your logic is not having a chance to engage, but your nervous system is going to react. So again, your brain is beautiful. It's smart. It's logical at times, all those things. But it's also, I always say your brain's also dumb. Not because you have any kind of a disorder, but because it believes everything you feed it. So I've used this example before in my bedroom growing up as a child, I had a board games because I was, I love board games now, but that's kind of what they were. And I had multiple game games on this big shelf. When you turned off the light, depending on what time of the night it was, if you glance just right, it literally looked like there was somebody big and tall coming to getcha. I knew logically for years, this is a shelf with, I knew this. But the moment I turned off the light, since I had already had my brain trained to, uh, oh, it looks like a person. Even if I didn't know it, my nervous system goes, oh my God, these people are out to get you. Like somebody's coming to kidnap you. And then you get up, you turn on the light, it's just that you're like, I know this. Keep in mind that your brain is going to believe what you tell it. So this is where if you have pure, oh, you have OCD, you have depression by polar, anything that can kind of alter ADHD, anything that can kind of alter that state of your mind, it doesn't always give clarity in reality. Doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you. But that's why if somebody's trying to guilt you, if trying to guilt you, they can't guilt you, you allow that not on purpose, but they can only attempt. So now that they're attempting to do all of these things, your brain is going to latch on. And even though you can see it, anytime somebody puts you in a position to confuse you, to have you question yourself, to make you doubt yourself. That's how you know that we're starting some covert stuff. Now, I might get obvious, but don't beat yourself up for knowing now what you didn't know then. So your brain, your brain itself, once it goes through all that, then your brain is going to create the explanations afterwards. So logic doesn't get engaged. Nervous system goes, oh my god. And then your brain creates an explanation afterwards. So I'm going to give you a few scenarios and see you may relate to these. And I'm just giving you scenarios. But if I used every scenario, we'd be here for 48 hours straight. So I'm just going to give you a few. This goes also into the faint helplessness, which is why I did this directly afterwards. Okay. So scenario one is, I guess I'll figure it out myself. Seems generic enough. Hey, I guess I'll figure this out myself. So what does that sound like? What sounds like independence? But what it often means is I want you feel guilty. I want you to feel guilty enough to help me. Now, let me throw in a little bit of a caveat here for people like myself and other people who have, you know, kind of gone through a lot of things where, you know, you kind of felt out of control. Things were constantly negative around you. You become what we call hyper independent. You don't need anybody. You see that big house over there? You're just going to go move it yourself up. Timed install that washer. Let me drag it up on my back and I'll connect it myself. Now, that's not always bad because it gives you a sense of independence. It can become bad if you refuse to ask people for help. If you look and judge the time that they give you help. So that's a little different, you know, when we're talking about hyper independence. This isn't just for hyperindependence though, this scenario. This is also a little bit of the victim mentality, but it is manipulation. So okay, so this scenario itself. So let's kind of play that on a real time while I'm talking to you and thinking of it. In general, somebody says to you, hey, I got to put this swing together for the backyard. And I, you know, I know it's going to take some time, just need a little help. Okay, fine, that's fine. Hey, and then you go, hey, I'm not available this weekend. That's it. So I guess I, well, now that person doesn't like that. This person wanted you to come over there. This person feels as though you have something apparently better to do than them. So they go, you know what, that's fine. I'll just figure it out myself. Sometimes, five percent of the times they really mean it. Other times, they're like, I want you to feel guilty enough to help me, because I can promise you, and there's a reason that this scenario came up is one of the main scenarios somebody wanted me to talk about. It isn't just, hey, don't worry about it. I got this. That's great. But it's when the person's trying to inflict guilt. All right, I guess I'll just, I can do this myself. And don't think that that's not going to come back to bite you long run anyway. So now we're, I don't know, a couple of months, a couple of weeks, a couple of years down the road. Now we hear, I always have to jump by myself because nobody has time for me. Okay, so now we went from the covert way of, I guess I'll just do it myself, which means, give me a few minutes to help me. And since that didn't work, even though there might not be a reason to bring it up right now, there is down the road. So now what started off as covert has now become aggressive in the way of like, well, here we go. You never helped me. So then we start using those big words always never because you're black and white words. This always happens. This will never happen. Then it's everybody and nobody. Nobody ever helps me. So I'll figure it out myself. Everybody abandons me. And of course, we know where this comes from. This isn't to judge yourself. It's to bring awareness. We understand that when you run a loop, especially in OCD loop or anything like that, or you're constantly in a negative space and you're a pessimist, of course, you're going to have those thoughts. There's nothing wrong with you. But when you become aware of it, because some of this could be your actions, not everybody else. If you get activated and defensive, then I'm absolutely talking to you because if you can't check yourself any of you, me, you, anybody, if you can't check yourself and go, damn, that's me and go, okay, let me not judge it. Let me realize what my intention is and then let me change it. But people who get defensive and try to make excuses for it are not ready to make a change. That's not an opinion. That is a fact. So if you find that in that scenario, don't try to make somebody make a change, because it's just not going to happen. So this is what we call indirect guilt induction. There's an actual name for it. It's literally called indirect guilt induction. So rather than asking, can you help me? Because they weren't even assertive enough or direct enough say, hey, can you help me? They skirted around it and then got mad and then said, well, I guess I'll do it all myself. But they never had the ability or they never chose to say, can you help me? So now what they're doing is they're creating emotional pressure. The entire goal to that is obligation. It's rescue and responsibility. So if they know you're a people pleaser, they know that you feel some kind of way about disappointing people. This plays directly on that. So think now within yourself. And it could be a couple different versions of that scenario. But at time that you were like, wow, there's some emotional pressure here. I feel obligated now or I got to rescue them or I feel responsible. Once again, remember, we are not responsible for people's feelings and vice versa. People want you to read their minds and they want you to achieve an expectation that was never related. So then they get pissed because you're not meeting an expectation that they had that they never ran by you. And just because they have an expectation doesn't mean you have to meet that expectation. So that's why it works. Empathetic people are going to hate to feel selfish. Well, here's the issue. If you're afraid to feel selfish by God, get on my calendar today. Hang up here and go straight there because selfish is not bad because what that means is you're putting yourself as a priority. People use the word selfish because it's an activating work. So if you go, oh my god, I don't want to be seen that way. You don't think they know that? But that's not by chance. They're doing that. So then there's an immediate step in. There's an explanation. Now we're over helping. Just don't rescue automatically. You can literally say, are you asking for help? Put it back on them. Are you asking for help? Because kind of like, well, okay, freaking ask. So there's another scenario. Oh my god. And I know you've heard this. And I've heard this specifically. Oh my god, specifically. I don't really have much family left, but you know, like a sister who passed away, you know, and this is, wow, must be nice. If that is not the most passive aggressive thing on the planet. And it's a little bit of a hatred or a your hate non somebody. So they might hate on you. So if they're like, wow, must be nice. They're going to try to make it sound like a joke or like, huh, must be nice. Now you can innocently enough say that like they're in a rubah on a trip and you're like, damn, must be nice to be there on a Monday. But you're not saying it in a way that's ignorant. You know, oh, must be nice. I mean, you guys know I like Jason Momoa. He's dating somebody must be nice. Oh yes, you can say something like that. But in these cases where it's like, oh, you must be nice that you have this, must be nice that you can travel, must be nice that you can blah, blah, blah, whatever it is. That's total resentment of success. And they want you to feel guilty about it. You don't have to be so humble that you're embarrassed by your accomplishments. If they cannot handle your successes or what they deem as your successes, that's one them. Never downplay your wins ever. Don't downplay them. If somebody's going to resent your successes, let them expose themselves because then this point, you don't have to deal with them anymore. Period. And check yourself. Can you truly honestly be happy for someone who is successful without feeling some kind of way yourself? It's very important. So this is what we call passive aggressive envy. So we know there's envy there, but they're being little passive aggressive by it. So instead of expressing jealousy or insecurity, definitely resentment, they're going to disguise it. So it's not going to necessarily look like jealousy. It's not going to look like insecurity. Just going to disguise it just a little bit. Wow, must be nice. And they know if now if you're insecure or you feel some kind of way, you got to be careful of getting defensive. She might be like, well, yeah, it is nice, but I worked for this. Whoa, why are we given all this detail? They're doing this on purpose. But when they do that, that's what they're doing. They're creating guilt, defensiveness, self-minimization. Well, I mean, yeah, but stop doing that. You've had success. Shine. Wear that like a shiny little badge. If they don't like it, they can put on their sunglasses and walk in the other direction. Never shrink yourself because somebody is like, oh, must be nice. Why are we shrinking ourselves? What you're not going to do? Don't justify it and never downplay yourself. So if you've ever felt yourself kind of feeling like, oh, okay, I don't want them to feel some kind of way. Why they can feel however they want to feel you worked for it. You did the thing. I've used this example multiple times. I have a pool in ground pool in my yard. It's the eighth year I've had it. It took me six and a half years to save up for it. Me myself. This is my pool. Like, my husband's just not a pool guy. My pool. I saved up six and a half years. Let's say somebody walking down the street could be like, ooh, must be nice. They have no idea how much sacrifice or what I saved and didn't save in order to do it. And I'm not going to explain it to them. Okay. Think whatever the hell you want to think. I know the hard work I put into it. I don't need that to be said to you because a person is going to see it regardless. Period. And then if they continue, now you start thinking something's wrong with your successes. Stop doing that. Scenario three. This becomes a big issue. This becomes control. So we know this is covert. It's not so covert, but it is. It's also control. It's also ego. It's also entitlement. And that is, I'm just worried about you. I'm just worried about you. So this is going to sound like concern. But what this often means is, ooh, I don't like your decisions. Or I want influence without accountability. Okay. That's good. I love that people are empathetic and they're not sociopaths. and we have care for other people. The problem comes where somebody doesn't like your decision. Somebody doesn't like that maybe you're getting out of a marriage that no longer serves you and they go, "I'm just worried about you because they don't believe in divorce or because they like the spouse." Or what, until you ask for somebody's feedback, they can think whatever they want. So in this case, if somebody goes, not the marriage thing, I'm just like, if somebody goes, "Hey, well, I'm just worried about you, you can say something very easy." I appreciate it, but if I need feedback and you are direction, I will ask you, period. I'm just worried about you because not everybody is gonna like it. You decide you're gonna go skydiving because you've always wanted to go skydiving. Yes, some people are gonna be like, "Oh God, I hope it's good." But in some way goes, "Oh, girl, be careful." See, I would be like, "Well, I'm not flying the plane. I hope it's gonna be okay." God, just be funny like that. But if somebody really doesn't want you to do it, now they're gonna say, "I'm just worried about you so it creates confusion and insecurity." And then that's when concern becomes leverage and it does because a disagreement, a disagreement is gonna sound harsher than concern. So if somebody goes, "Yeah, I don't think you should do that." I think it's a bad idea. I think it's unsafe and it's a little irresponsible. You're gonna be like, "What?" You're gonna shut that down instantly. But now someone goes, "Why, I mean, I'm just worried about you." So it's gonna disarm you, but it means the same thing. 'Cause most people don't wanna reject care. They don't wanna look ungrateful. They don't wanna look like they're being mean because somebody says, "I'm just worried about you." Very often, and listen, I'm not saying people can't worry about you, yes. But it's the inflection of wanting to change your mind. It's the insertion of, "I'm just worried about you without you even asking for feedback." So if they disarm you, instead of going, well, that's a terrible idea and it's irresponsible. You're gonna shut that down. But you don't wanna reject the care because you're gonna be more receptive. So here's what you wanna do. Separate concern from control. And here's another direct. Are you worried or are you disagreeing? Really think of that. And pay attention to what happens. A lot of times they're gonna backtrack and then they'll double down. They'll be like, "Well, what do you mean? No, I'm just worried." And let's say you're like, "Okay, well, what are you worried about?" Well, I only think bad to happen to you. Okay, that's fine. But I'm gonna do this because this works for me. All right, I mean, I don't think you should. Okay, so then there's your answer. Period. Scenario four. This is where we use those big words, those black and white words. Everyone thinks that. So this is gonna sound like consensus. But what that means is I'm borrowing imaginary support to pressure you. I'm borrowing imaginary support to pressure you. So you are now setting boundaries, okay? You're setting boundaries, you're saying no like a champ. You're like, "Feel how you feel?" 'Cause you are putting yourself as a priority. Somebody don't like it. I don't care. Friend, whatever. They don't like it. So now they go, "Well, listen, you realize you're getting a little carried away." Everybody is saying that. Okay, well, everybody can go over there and sit there. See, the thing is, is they're trying to use consensus to make it feel like you're the problem. You will always, always 100% be the problem when people can no longer benefit from you. That is a fact. So you will continue that cycle and you will forever be that problem because they don't like what it is. So if they tell you everybody, you're gonna fear that social exclusion. So by human nature, you wanna social, not acceptance, but you wanna be included. So when somebody says, "Everybody feels this way and thinks this way," it means I'm borrowing that imaginary support. And then that tactic is gonna work because it's gonna use perceived group pressure. So now you start second guessing yourself. 'Cause humans fear that social exclusion. And you gotta remember that and don't think that people don't know that. But sometimes it is okay to be an island of one in order to know who you are, to sit with your thoughts, to do the things. But what it happens and why it works is the brain now goes, "Wait a minute, am I the problem? Is it me? Am I the problem?" Well, yes, you are the problem. For them, you're not the problem for you. So don't just because somebody doesn't like it doesn't mean it's wrong. Hear that again. Just because somebody doesn't like it doesn't mean it's wrong. So you guys know, I like my little routine. I don't care if you think I shouldn't do it every day. I don't care if you think I should respond faster. It's not gonna happen. So you can feel however you wanna feel. This works for me. And that comes with confidence, knowing what it is that you want. And somebody and people gonna say, "Well, everybody says this, okay, "well everybody can say whatever they want." But here's what not to do. Don't go, "Well, who specifically?" Because that's gonna collapse. That's gonna collapse on you. It doesn't matter. Doesn't matter who it is. But it's funny if I don't want you to ask that question. But very often, if you do, they go, "Well, you know everybody. "This person and this person and this person." You're like, "Okay." It's kind of like going, "Well, everybody in the class got to see." Okay, I don't really care about everybody in the class. Care about what you got going on. Scenario five, this is another important one. This is the second person. The other person who said, "Can I cover this all within that same topic?" And that is, I was only joking. So that's gonna sound harmless. But what that means is I want to avoid accountability for what I just said to you. I mean, I was just joking. Now, I am a notorious sarcastic person. I am joking most of the time, almost, because I'm not passive aggressive. If I feel some kind of way, I will tell you directly. When would I say I'm joking? I might say something like, it would more or less be about me. Well, I'm gonna go rob a bank and run off to the islands. Just joking. It's not typically towards everybody else. It's more me. But for some people, it's gonna sound harmless. So here's what happens. This is one of the absolute most common manipulation tactics of all times. That I said, didn't say all. I said one of the most common. 'Cause the speaker gets plausible deniability. It, they get emotional escape and avoidance of responsibility. So let's go through that for a minute. Plausible deniability. Like, I don't understand why you're taking this so serious. This can kind of go hand in hand with the whole, you're so sensitive thing. And that one, that one, I want to kind of cover that maybe in a separate topic. But I think I might insert some of that here because that's a really slippery slope that you're too sensitive because it can mean multiple things. And I think context in that specific one matters. And yeah, so I think in some ways I can be productive to say, but not from a person who has just said something that is ignorant or harmful and then say, I'm just joking. Or you're so sensitive. But if a speaker is getting that plausible deniability and that emotional escape of like I was just joking, that immediately puts it on you. Can't you just take a joke? So now you're the problem again. You are the problem again. Now there is a caveat to that. If you were insecure, if you were a defensive person, if you are an attachment and someone says or does something that really is a joke. Like, oh my god, look, you can wear that clown shoe. It's because it's funny. There's a big old clown shoe. And you're like, oh my god, where are their clown shoes? It'd be funny. What? I know I wear a size nine. Why are-- what-- stop teasing me about my feet. You're like, um, wait, what the hell just happened? So when somebody is defensive within themselves, sometimes what really is a joke can be taken in a certain way. So there is a caveat to that. But when you hear-- I mean, obviously, if I tell you, you look like you should be wearing clown shoes. My one girlfriend has big feet. I always tell her she's walking on skis. OK, that's funny. And even if it's not funny, it's just what it is. Ha-ha, you're walking on skis. Never has she said to me, oh my god, I feel bad about my feet. So know the audience of what it is. But it's a super common manipulative tactic. And then that's an avoidance of responsibility. Because now if you are defending your reaction instead of discussing the comment, they've gotten everything that they were going for. But what not to do is focus on impact-- focus on the impact, not the intent. So that's why, let me go into the sensitive thing. And I may end up doing a whole podcast on it. But sometimes we can be too sensitive. And I don't mean somebody has said something that we deem harmful. We could be sensitive of other people's feelings. And I know that seems like it's a really good thing, right? You're like, well, yeah, no, no, no, no. Being sensitive to others' feelings over your own. And I don't mean being a person who's like F everybody. But if you were constantly worried about everybody else's comfort instead of your own piece, then I probably wouldn't say you're too sensitive, but I would say you're over empathetic, which could also be considered too sensitive. Because if you're so concerned with everybody else's feelings, and then you want everybody else to be so sensitive to your feelings within the insecurity piece of it, that's where that becomes problem. So the whole year two sensitive thing is when somebody goes, I was only joking. And you're like, okay, well, I didn't find that funny. Please don't joke about this again. Then you're going to get hit with the God. You're so sensitive. So I think, again, being too sensitive is a true thing when it comes to trying to take on people's emotions. Yes, being too sensitive over a joke that you didn't find funny, that was passive aggressive, that's different. So that's where you would say, hey, please don't, you know, in the future, I don't specifically find this funny. Please do not make a comment about that again. That's direct. That's clear. And then they're not going to like it because you just called them on it and they're trying to take accountability. So now you're too sensitive. So that's where that comes in. Now, why do people use these tactics instead of just being, you know, emotionally mature? No, not everybody is a master master manipulator. It's not like, and if you've used these, let's not go down this rabbit hole. Oh my God, a most manipulative person. But it is important that you have awareness. Are you doing manipulative tactics? Well, then that's what you want to work on. Don't judge yourself. Don't tell yourself how bad you are, but you have to remember everybody has their own patterns. Everybody has their own boundaries. And just because you don't like them, you have choices. If you don't like a person's boundary, then you have to commit to, okay, maybe I need to distance. But if you're not going to do that, then you need to just go ahead and accept the fact that this is how it's going to be. Now, many people learn these behaviors. This can be a learned behavior. It's not like you're in purposefully using them. If direct communication ever felt unsafe. So if you grew up, and if you directly communicated something, you were immediately chastised, you were being as smart as you were doing all of those things, well, you're going to get shut down, and now you're afraid to be direct. Because not everybody is doing this on purpose. But the accountability, if accountability felt threatened. So if you ever felt like, okay, if you know, hey, did you do this? Did you do this? Yes. You take ownership of it. And then there's even more consequences, which sometimes going to happen. If guilt worked in your family, oh my god, this is like a classic one. And if emotional pressure got needs met. So if, if the only time you got affection was if you were melting down, or if you said, oh my god, I feel isolated, right? And you knew that this worked because you're eight, you don't go on manipulating on purpose. But now that's carried over. And this is where, and like I said, I did this a lot in my late teens and 20s of now we go through this. You owe me because you have to be patient. Nobody has to be patient with you. You have to be patient because I've dealt with this and I'm working on it. No, handle your business. That being said, if someone is working on themselves, you already know it's going to take time. Seeing that and knowing people are going to go forward and backwards is fine because a person will take ownership and go, oh, I see what I just did there. I was doing what I've always done. That's completely understandable. Supportive time. That's amazing. But it's when they use that as an excuse to say, well, I deserve or I'm entitled to. So that's where it's problem. Regardless of the intent is the effect. There's some lessons there. Manipulation becomes powerful when you only hear the words instead of what the function is. So here's what I want you to focus on if you hear some of these scenarios or any other ones. What is this statement trying to make me feel? Take a pause. Because see, you are 100% in control of your reaction. Two things in this world, no human, no trauma can take from you. Your mindset and your reactions. Now, it could exacerbate them. It can't take that away. So to ask yourself, what is this statement trying to make me feel? Then ask yourself, what is this trying to make me do? And then that's where the clarity is. So I guess I'll just do this myself. So you go, okay, what does that statement trying to make me feel? Oh, guilty and obligated. Got it. And then to, hmm, what is it trying to make me do? What's trying to make me forget whatever it is I had to do? Stop, drop a roll and go over there. Then you have clarity. And that helps when you understand what is the statement trying to make me feel? And what is it trying to make me do? Those are two really, really big factors for you. Really big factors. And you know, it's going to hook your nervous system. But I'll tell you this, as you're growing and as you're getting on the other side of this, you're not, you're going to worry about the obligation. You're going to see it for what it is. So you guys know I've been doing this for decades. I have clients everywhere all over the world and every nationality, denominations, state, country, whatever does no matter where you live. Does it, this is a guarantee fact. I'll guarantee much. If you are consistent, and this is the important part, if you are consistent, and if you understand that this process takes years, I always tell people great if you're going to book a session with me to kind of touch base, this is in for the long haul. You got to lock in whether it's with me or anybody else. The problem is is people want fast fixes. They want fast growth. They want to not take what everybody says personally. They want to not feel empty anymore. Okay. Happiness is not a destination. Happiness is not the void of issues. It's not letting it control you. So the consistency in order to get to the place where you can see it for what it is. I've done pattern recognition for years. Nothing that you or anybody else can say to me is going to be new to my vision. Nothing. Because a person can only use certain actions, tactics, and words, so many times, nobody's reinventing the wheel. When you start seeing it and not getting activated, and go, oh, I see what's happening there. Okay, wait, what does this statement turn? Tell me, oh, they're trying to get me. Okay, not, I can't believe this person. Why are they? Okay, whoa, then you're not at that place yet. When you see it, be like, oh, I see what they're doing. Try and maybe feel guilty. They want me to stop stop what I'm doing over there. No, I'm not going to do that. But you're not like, that's ignorant. Why would they do that? It's going to take you a long time to get out of that. So on this journey, whether you're listening to my podcast, you're working with me or somebody else. If you think that you're going to get on the other side of this in a year, it's never going to happen. You might have some tools. You're not getting it in a year. You might not get it in two. You might not get in five, but you'll get better and be more proactive and resilient. But it isn't fast. You can't rush it because no one likes to feel defensive. No one likes to feel as though they're obligated. Nobody. I don't care who you are. But however old you are right now, listening to this, I don't care how old you are. That's how long it's taken you to get here. So I'm 55. So let's say, well, obviously, I don't remember a lot when I was one and two, but for all intensive purposes, just say, you know, hey, for 55 years, I've been a certain way. Now, I've been on the other side of this and continuously work on it every single day. See, that's another thing. The destination is never achieved. You will work on this constantly. You will have things. You will have roadblocks. You will have mistakes. You will have things that you cannot control. Things that you could control, but you didn't control. Those things will always happen. And yes, always. So you're looking for, okay, awareness. I see what's happening here. So when you see someone's actions, your ego doesn't kick in and need to be right. You don't need to prove it. You don't need to call it out. But if it's taken me say 55 years, you 30 years, this person 60 years, you think you're going to start working on yourself and not take all this personally in a year, two or five. It's not going to happen. In order to re-condition ourselves, we have to de-condition ourselves first. That's why the awareness piece of it is key. And so when you hear me say, I'm only good for the person who's tired or they're in shit. That also means somebody who's willing to do this for the long haul. No one on the planet is magical to make you better or give you the tools to make you feel better in a day, in a month, in a week or any year. No one. You'll get tools. You'll change up behaviors. You'll start feeling more in control of your life for sure. But in order to not allow this stuff, this covert manipulation, to be a driving factor for you, we have to unlearn what the patterns are. So if you've ever said, this person, they're always manipulating me versus observing, like, I see what's happening there. They're just doing what works. Always remember, including you, humans will continue to do what works. That's not specific to just narcissists or manipulate. That's a human trait. You will continue to do what works. And that's why when somebody putting a boundary or when you're changing something up, well, now that guild, if it doesn't work anymore, we have to elevate our game. We have to get nastier. Every human knows somebody's lowest blow. Everybody, you, me, everybody else. We know the rawness of someone. So typically, if something in the, you know, this general guilt area did not work, we're gonna go a little bit deeper, then a little bit deeper. Then if you think that you're a bad parent and somebody knows that, now they go, we'll see, this is why you and your family don't have a good, this is why you and your kids don't talk. They're trying to get an action and a reaction until you are secure, which will take years. And until you realize somebody else's opinion of you, is solely related as to who they are, they will always use it 'cause it'll always work. But they'll use it 'cause you're insecure about it. So that's kind of the whole thing with covert manipulation. We're gonna jump over to Patreon. We're gonna go through that worksheet. But realize what it is. And if it's something that you're doing, don't judge yourself. Just go, what is my intent? So we know you asking what's their intent, what's my intent? Am I trying to get someone to change their mind? Am I trying to get somebody into doing something? Let's say the answer to that, yes. Then say why? Why am I doing that? Not like what the hell's wrong with me, but evaluating and knowing what your patterns are gives you a really good place of reference. You never beat yourself up, but you do get aware. So let's pop over. Let's get this going and be aware of it. And if it's you, don't judge it. And if it's somebody else, see the awareness, set that distance. (upbeat music)