#5 - Teaching Gratitude, Engagement, and Happiness ft. Katie Curran from Proof Positive (Part 2)

[Music] Hello and welcome to another episode of Building Educator Capacity where we strive to improve student learning by expanding the capacity of our school districts. I'm joined by my co-host Phil Anderson. Always happy to be here. Be sure to check out part one of this conversation where we talked about positive emotions and engagement for our students. Indeed, this is a part two conversation with Dr. Valerie Schmitz and Katie Kuren of Proof Positive. In this episode, we'll dive into the relationship between educator and student. Thank you once again to Ms. Liz Elliott from Whitewater Middle School for reviving the music for this podcast. [Music] Let's move to relationships and when I was a teacher, mission critical, the relationships that students had with at least one adult in the building and that was something that we strive for and certainly with each other. But can you talk a little bit about how relationships are meaningful in the lives of our learners and educators? Yeah, absolutely. I mean, we know that kids who have no one inviting the daughter like do significantly better. So one of the first things I always ask schools to do that I'm partnering with is just begin to get a pulse on how connected your students feel. So send out a student survey that directly asks the question, do you believe there is one adult in this building who cares about you and your well-being? That's a powerful question. It also says to teachers, this is sort of where we are coming in at 72% we want to be at 100% for coming in at 90% we want to be at 100% right. So start with some baseline feedback because it's so important. And then the question is how do we help build trust with kids right so that they know that we're there for them. My favorite work and skill in this I teach a couple of skills around relationship building but my favorite is the work of Shelley Gabel she's at UCLA and she asked the question, will you be there for me when things go right. So she wanted to know what shifts in relationships when we celebrate the good times together and how do we do that as humans, how do we respond when people share good news with us. So if you're lucky your students share good news with you frequently because they've learned that you're going to be happy for them, whether they won their soccer game the night before or they did well on a test in another class. If you're in relationship with your students chances are they're sharing some bits of good news from you might have to elicit it. Shelley's research tells us this as humans there are four ways we tend to respond to one another's good news. So three of those ways deteriorate and kill relationships and one way builds trust and belongingness. Right we're all like why did no one teach us this when we were in great. Yeah exactly. No right we could like have the divorce rate. So her research and she's right marriages that are driving and flourishing and start her research started in marriages and has expanded to cover lots of different types of relationships. Finding characteristic and good relationships happen to be whether the couple showed up for each other in their good news. So I walk you quickly through the four style and then I can send you a link for some stuff for folks to read. The first of the four ways that we respond to the news passive constructive. So someone comes to you they share good news they pick you as their person to share their little you know win what their gift of joy. So you know your son or daughter comes home mom dad look I got a 92 on my math test. Awesome happy for you. Good job passive constructive the conversation ends the kid is left confused they're not sure why you're not more excited it didn't go in. Squashes relationships. This is what you're talking about. Your son walks in daughter walks in mom dad look I got a 92 in my math this. Hey Jimmy do you have your shinboards are related for soccer practice. You missed the good news all together and you change it to something else. This can also take the form of sort of one up in a mom dad look I got a 92 in my math test and a sibling walks and I got 100 on my spelling test right. You shift the focus to yourself oh that reminds me I wanted to tell you my good right so we all do all of these styles those of you listening are going to start to feel a sense of guilt as you reflect on. The times you've done this to people you love you're also going to quickly think about the people in your life that do these different styles to you all of it's okay because you will get better now that you know this skill. You're probably the most toxic response style to good news is active decent. So someone chooses you they share their good news with you and you actually point out walls in it. Come on dad look I got a 92 92 what did you get wrong I thought we study it let me see which breaks you're pointing out what's wrong in the good news day a lot of times when people share good news with us it's a vulnerable place to be there for you. Okay. George value one of my favorite professors and past site says the joy is the most vulnerable of all human emotions because when you're feeling that they're so far. Let's go when someone brings you their gift of joy and you point out the flaws which wrong with it your critical of it you're really squashing that joy for them. All right so those are the three wrong ways to respond to someone's good news they all hurt relationship. So when somebody chooses you they bring you their good news you're going to die you're putting away your cell phone the email you're going to ask some questions you're going to show authentic interest in their good news you're going to have to relive the experience so her research shows that when we show up actively and constructable to someone's good news. We not only give them a boost to their well being we get a boost to our well being as well so this responsibility helps both people builds trust in their relationship. If we want people to rely on us when things go wrong we have to be there for them when things go right. So my dad I got a 90 told my math has oh no wait let me see what the teacher say when she gave it back to you how do you feel about this 90 to wow you worked really hard to learn how to do great you can phrase the process. I saw you really study this concept I'm glad it paid off and you're you know your hard work it off so you can get into the news unwrap it with them help them explore it active concert in responding and when you get kids doing that with one another when you get when you get the celebration of good news at the forefront of your classroom guess what that serves as your quickest way to a jolt of joy at the beginning of facts. Hey guys turn to one another share one thing that went well this week and everyone in the classes trained in active constructive responding so the kids are going to get the response they need. And I you know particularly with high schoolers will make sure to actually say and don't forget this isn't the time to be too cool to you know dive in. Then this is the time to practice that skill we learned active constructive responding and so you'll just see the energy in a classroom balloon up when kids are sharing and responding to each others good news so. I love that and don't be it's exactly what you said don't be too cool to not share your. Especially with middle and high school students I think to one of the quotes around relationships this is on your on your website so the quote um he explains the research on pain centers in the human brain and this was fascinating to me and what he says was basically our pain centers become activated when we are at risk of isolation. An evolutionary perspective isolation is the worst thing we could do for survival and I think about those students who do seem to be isolated who don't have those positive relationships who may be experiencing bullying or just that feeling of alone and and how painful that is but also he talks about that is being the worst thing we can do for survival. So that's a very important thing to do. In relationships in terms of the perm is really a really a critical element of the framework yeah I mean I tend to sell it as the most critical when I'm training teachers I will share a story that I think sort of speaks to that. The first teachers really push back and be like your grandpa in a training was an AP physics teacher at the high school level this was years ago and he just could not understand why he was being asked to give up AP physics time for happiness. So one thing that I was able to sort of coach him to do was to create a Google drive where his students could share anything good that was going on in their life and one of his students. And that could be a place where on his own time he could respond with that can start to respond right he could if somebody posted something he could respond back he didn't have to take class time away. and a student posted that his good news was that he had played ping pong in the basement the night before and this teacher said, you know, ping pong is like one of my favorite things my brother and I played all the time our garage growing up who do you play with active constructive responding great question and the kid wrote back I don't have anyone to play what. I fold the table and well that teacher decided that every Friday afternoon moving forward he was going to set up ping pong table in the global hot and play with the kid. Well sure enough he saved that kid from the isolation of having no friends not having siblings at home and he would have never known had he not created this space for it to just share sort of some personal stuff with him and I think that that's the point right like if we can get. We can get kids talking to us then we can know what they actually need from us and it's much easier to meet their needs they all need relationships some get it from their peers some get it from their families the ones we have to identify are those that are getting it from nowhere and they really need it from their school community. And that's that's easier said than done but creating places for kids to open up and share and I had quite a few of my positive education leaders this year in a virtual setting where they felt like they just weren't going to be able to get to know kids in the same way create online journals where kids could literally journal to them about anything it could be nothing it could be. i'm really struggling at home i'm in an unsafe environment please help me so that you know teachers have gotten everything from silly stuff about TV shows to I really need your help please. And I think creating that space is is really important. And for our teachers to write I know just as as an adult human myself when I feel like I don't have that person or somebody to know to to be there for me I think about what it means professionally and you know we think about the teachers that have colleagues who are. And I'm very important to them who they collaborate with that for a school leader is it a very important element to build as well absolutely I mean just from a. I mean really across from right if you go to work and you're connected and you're related and you've got people you can rely on and people you love collaborating what. You can actually give an experience just a totally different environment that if you go to work and sort of stick to yourself and you're isolated so similarly at home. And as we're in these virtual communities like how can school administrators create ways for their staff and their teams to connect and meaningful ways I will say that when I start with schools my primary focus. Typically for the first year I ask schools to commit one year professional development to staff well be that I'm going to train the science and skills of firma. But that there is zero expectation that those teachers will go and implement anything in the classroom in year one that what we want them to do is learn how to live the skills in their own life. And connect better with each other and increase staff well be because how can we ask teachers and we know nationally that the teacher jobs satisfaction is trending in the wrong direction teachers are being asked to do more with less resources test or you know with less autonomy so it's. Teacher jobs satisfaction isn't going the right direction so if we want to have a meaningful impactful conversation about student well being we absolutely have to know questions asked start with staff well being and get and get a team of teachers feeling really good so that they can go implement these things yeah absolutely thank you. I'm going to transition to the end of firma and the question that you ask here is is very thoughtful as well says having an answer as to why are we on this earth is a key ingredient that can drive us towards fulfillment can you talk about what meaning represents in our schools. And so I think those of us that feel sort of connected to serving a larger purpose tend to bear better in relationships and with well being and all aspects related to doing well and right so what does that mean and how do we have that's a huge question right how do we help people sort of find their purpose. There's a great book of the power of meaning which can actually help sort of break down the pillars of meaning I think one really important place to start is to help teachers and then students develop like what is their personal mission statement so we know companies and organizations have mission statements they keep. Employees and organizations moving towards a purpose or a larger mission many of us go through life never really sitting down and taking the mental time to think about what is our personal mission statement what is our personal purpose on this earth what are we working towards. And when you're able to do that then you can start to identify like where you're spending your time or you spending time on things that are mission driven you are you spending time on things that help you connect to your greater purpose so for me personally when I went through this exercise and you can really Google personal mission statement and you'll find lots of examples of well step processes five step. Just give it if you create the space and time so I landed on my personal mission being to cultivate growth wherever I go through joy so I am whether I'm working with teachers or I'm working individually with a student or I'm working I do some work in the autism world i'm working with special needs populations or families so long as I feel that I am cultivating growth through joy I know that I am connecting to my greater. I am connecting to my greater purpose on this earth and you can't know that until you connect sometimes you know the work might look different but as long as I'm working towards that mission I feel much better so I challenge every teacher to write their own personal mission statement and then it's a really cool exercise at the beginning of a school year to have a class work to write a class mission statement like who do we want to be as a class which are guiding sort of north star and then students. It did our old enough I mean I think you know in the gardeners might be a little young for this exercise though you know you could help them think like maybe their purposes to be kind to their friends maybe their purpose is to play and be mindful right so we can talk about what is the purpose of the gardener. But certainly by the time they're in high school kids should be giving some thought to what their greater purpose on this earth is. I love that and tying it not just to the classroom but you know your your purpose and hopefully those two allowing. Yeah absolutely absolutely. Let's talk about the a the final letter in perma accomplishments and you say having accomplishments in life is important to push ourselves to thrive and flourish so what do accomplishments look like in our schools for our learners and teachers. I mean I tend to tell people I'm going to spend the least amount of time on the a because I think as Americans we spend way too much time in the a there's actually a counseling department in a high school I work with. They got notepads printed with permanent all of the sheets of paper so that when they sit down to get particularly that are thinking about college planning and post secondary like they actually just cross the a. I think they're not willing to talk about the accomplishments because what they really want to know is how they're doing in the rest of their life and then the accomplishments will follow because Americans were a little over driven by grades and the sorts of measure but what I will say is. As teachers and students having a set of goals having a vision for your future and knowing sort of where you want to get and feeling optimistic about getting there really important so. We can start with smart goals but I actually really like Snyder's work on hope theory and sort of blending goal setting Ryan and Dichy's work with Snyder's work on hope theory so hope theory looks at how likely we are to accomplish those goals based on sort of how hopeful we are about and he tells us that there's two types of thinking that are critical to goal accomplishment one. Is agency thinking so you can set a smart goal let's say i want to save $10,000 over the next five years right that's a smart goal is action focus it's time bound it's specific. But if the very first thought that pops into my head is there's no way saving 10 right like what is the likelihood i'm going to work towards that goal that i'm going to be action focus very low agency thinking you can think of this like you're getting started think that once you set a goal you need to be tuning into that place in your head and you want it to sound like almost like bumper stickers of optimism like I know I can do it I can get started i'm going to start this right now great agency is getting action. The next is pathways thing so people who are going to be more likely to accomplish a goal take the time to visualize multiple pathways to the same goal and consider. the barriers that could come up on each pathway so they create workarounds. So I think in schools we're getting much better about helping kids think about smart goals like smart goals have been sort of a buzzword for a moment now at least here in New Jersey where I do a lot of work and the idea of teaching kids to think about their thinking about their goals. Do they believe are they optimistic about their goal? Do they see lots of pathways? Are they able to identify potential barriers and workarounds? Now we're working towards goal accomplishment not just goal setting and that will that will boost the A if that's what you're after and if the same or not go up in. I love that I think we see a lot of that in project-based learning, standards-based grading so that students have options to demonstrate their accomplishment in a number of different ways. Love that yeah. Wonderful. So Katie thank you so much for sharing your thoughts and your research on Perma for our listeners for our schools. These are incredibly challenging times and I would propose pre-COVID is also a very challenging time and post-COVID will definitely be as well. So we hope that you're able to take elements of a Perma and the research and thoughts that Katie has shared today into your work in our schools. I hope that people learn some things were practical that they can put into action. I would close by saying if you've listened to this far and you've stuck with us do a simple exercise for me. On a piece of paper or in the note section on your phone just write out the letters for Perma. P for positive emotion, E for engagement, R for relationships, M for meaning, A for accomplishments. For each element of Perma I want you to just get a sense of where you are right now. So on a scale of zero to ten put a number next to each element of Perma. How much positive emotion have you experienced in a last week? Have you been feeling a bit blue? You might be a two or three. Have you been you know having a ton of fun and you're going into break and things have been good might be a ten. Do the same for each engagement. How captivated by the things you've been doing then versus sort of four. How enthusiastically are you getting out of bed and getting to work versus not? Zero to ten. Relationships. How connected do you feel? Zero to ten. Personal and professional. Think about sort of your relationships over the last week. How are things going? Same for meaning, same for accomplishment. That is your well-being dashboard. You can stop, you can pause and you can get a read on how you're doing on the elements that matter most to your well-being at any given time. Perma dashboard can be anywhere in any space any time. Create that space for yourself. Keep an eye on your Perma dashboard. If you're like every human I've ever interacted with, at any point in time some of the elements will be high, some will be low. My goal is to help people not feel stuck. So no matter what your dashboard says, we can refuel your tank, we can speed you up, we can get you feeling better, you should have had some tools. So just today you learned cradle list of jolts of joy, quick ways to induce positive emotion, connect with people through active constructive responding, celebrate people's good news. And I'll leave you with this. If you do nothing else for your well-being, practice gratitude. Stop every day and write down three things that went well. Ask yourself the question what went well. Every day for as long as you possibly can start asking your students instead of how was your night? How was your weekend? What went well last night? What went well this weekend? You will be training their brains to practice gratitude, really, really powerful skill, and actually boost all five elements of Perma. So my closing thoughts are thank you for listening. I really hope that you got something good out of this. And keep an eye on your well-being because through these trying times, it's more important than ever that you act on your own well-being and that you have some tools to do so. Wonderful. Katie, thank you so much for your time. And to our listeners, thank you for listening and sticking with us. Best on your journey to be jolts of joy, and may your dashboards be plenty. Thank you so much. It's amazing how I love me. Simple baseline feedback could be by asking our students, do you believe there's at least one adult in the building that cares about your well-being? Great point by Katie Curran. For sure. And the other two parts of Perma, meaning and accomplishments, those two yet big ideas to give purpose to what you do. Having that purpose, I think, gives those positive emotions we want our students to have, and not only for our students, but also for ourselves. Thank you for joining another episode of Building Educator Capacity. To view any links or resources mentioned in this podcast, be sure to check out our website, cc2.org, or expand the podcast episode description. Join us next time for an overview of the ATLC, where Donna Hudson from cc2 and Katie Views from Toby Dynavox will tell us about the importance of AAC technologies and how to try them out. Thanks, everybody. [Music]