114: 5 Signs You’re Still Anxiously Attached (How to FINALLY Detach)

You know how we're told that aging is inevitable? Well not all parts of it are exactly. For example tiredness, poor sleep, stiff joints and feeling a bit off. Whatever part of it is just your cells are losing their strength. I've been taking fatty 15 which supports something called C15. It's the first new essential fatty acid discovered in over 90 years. It's science-backed, 100% pure vegan friendly. It's a supplement that helps your cells stay strong and slow down biological aging at the cellular level friends. When our cells age our bodies age too obviously and research shows that one in three people may have low C15 levels which can lead to what's called cellular fragility syndrome okay. Fatty 15 and I've had the founder on my podcast before the start at the beginning. Fatty 15 helps repair that cellular damage, improve sleep, mood, metabolism, even skin and hair health. Basically it helps you feel younger from the inside out. Fatty 15 is on a mission to optimize your C15 levels to support long-term health and wellness especially as you age which we all are. You can get 15% off their 90 day subscription star ticket at fatty15.com/beingher using code "beingher" at checkouts. Your anxious attachment and the fact that you have not mastered detachment is ruining everything for you. So in this podcast I am going to go into five signs that you are still anxiously attached despite having done the work, despite having seen the videos, despite having done it all and today if you are watching I am not in my car. Girlfriend is at home. This is a wild moment. Maybe we will get more gems out of me. Gems, more diamonds, more low-key down-to-earth conversation. Here is my coffee. Here is my list that I always have ready to go and I'm ready to dive into this topic. I think there are five major signs that I thought of and I thought this conversation is important to have because we have touched the surface of attachment and what anxious attachment means and I think before we go into why it's so important to master the art of detachment I think it's important to say why it's so attractive to the universe and to other human beings. When you exemplify in relationships the art of detachment and being detached as opposed to anxious attachment to somebody, you are giving them the gift of ultimate freedom to be themselves. When somebody is anxiously attached we often see it in the media or amongst ourselves when we talk as something that is quite adorable and cute. It is not adorable and cute. You are putting everything in that relationship onto the person that is the target of your affection. If they don't call you in time you get upset. If they don't validate you you're not happy. If they don't return your call in a certain time frame you're not loving it and everything matters. When somebody gives you the gift of detachment in a relationship it is not cold, it is not aloof, it is not a horrible thing, it is a letter of acceptance for you to be exactly come as you are said Kurt Cobain. Come as you are and I will accept you for what you say you are and what you show me you are not what my anxious attachment has taught me life is about. When somebody comes with anxious attachment they are painting you the partner with all the ways in which they've been hurt in the past and that is not necessarily the current story. We think detachment is attractive to people because oh everybody likes the person who runs away and they have to chase them. Everyone likes it when you don't reply, when you're cold. No, people like people who are detached because they are detached from an outcome because they don't put everything on you because they take you for as you are. They don't have these cockroaches in their head running around coloring everything you do and say in a paintbrush that isn't real. So I really want you to hone in on that art because a lot of times you mistake detachment for coldness or building brick walls and not letting people in. Oh my man says oh you've gone cold and something was wrong why are you acting this way? Well that is not detachment is it? That is still attachment, attachment and punishment. So the first sign that you have not learned the art of detachment and you are still anxiously attached despite how you act is one you over explain yourself. This is a tricky one and this one I am still trying to master and I will for a long time but it's becoming easier and easier because it traverses not just into relationships but also into other areas of my life. Friendships, work, colleagues, people I work with or talk with or message with, for example, what it looks like. I will give signs of what it looks like okay. You send long texts justifying your decisions or what you did or you say it verbally to a person. Oh I decided to do this because this and that but I also didn't think you were there and then you didn't show up to get that coffee so I thought maybe you weren't interested and that you are justifying yourself because you're still looking at validation of yourself and who you are from the lens of the other person not from yourself. People who are securely attached and mastered the art of detachment aren't attached to your version of how they see how you see them. You need to make sure that you're fully understood that no one misreads you. You read people riot acts of how I did that but then I went to the shop. Oh did you buy me the jello I asked for at the store? No I didn't but that's because you asked me on the Tuesday and on Tuesday I didn't make my list and on Wednesdays I did it because you are so afraid to be seen as a bad person as somebody who doesn't do things for other people. You replay conversations in your head and you make sure you said it right. You play out how you could have said it better. You play out how you are the good guy. You play out how people who have mastered the art of detachment they are okay to be a villain in someone else's story and by villain I don't mean somebody who does villainous heinous evil acts. Evil and villain is a very different thing. Sometimes it's okay to say no. Sometimes it's okay to not over explain. Never complain. Never explain. It is too much. You are doing too much Rachel so stop it. Why it's anxious attachment. You're trying to earn safety through explanation. Listen to me. You are trying to earn safety through explanation. You're trying to earn it like it can be bought. The fact that this person's favor can be bought because somewhere in your childhood you learned the only way to be safe around an adult who is looking after you baby is by making them happy. So now you're a grown-ass person and you're trying to make Clive Gerald or Geraldine happy by over explaining yourself because God forbid they don't like you. What is going to happen? They're going to reject you. They're not going to like you. Boohoo. Big deal. It's a form of emotional people pleasing of trying to slot in their lives and become somebody who they like and is accepted by them and is so cozy and cute and warm. Risk. Be free. Be wild. Risk. People are not liking you. A person not liking you because you know what? You don't have to earn your keep anymore. You're not a doggy. You don't have to earn your keep or a catty or a horsey or whatever you want to be. Instead practice saying things without clarifying yourself. "Oh, can you pick up that pineapple from me from the store? No, I can't today. Sorry." Not "No, I can't today. Sorry" because actually I'm picking up the kids and then the kids are going to be crying in the car and then if I drive back and forth a few times and it's good and no is enough. Tell yourself I'm allowed to be misunderstood. My truth does not need performance. My truth does not need performance. I give myself the permission to be misunderstood. I will look after myself. I will look after my self. They don't like me. Boohoo. Tough titties. I'll look after myself. Be the adult you didn't have in your childhood. Be the adult. Stand up. Be tough for yourself. Try sending a message and walking away. No follow-up. No reassurance. Be a gangster about it. No, I can't buy the pineapple. Not today, Satan. I kid, of course, and I'm putting emotional emphasis behind it, you know, because me and you are hanging out and I'm talking about it like this to you, but especially people who have asked you for too much. You've seen that meme of Die Hard Bruce Willis standing in a heap of rubble and they ask him to do one more thing. He's like, "Yeah, yeah, sure. Got it. Got it. Sure. Sure. Got it. Got it." That's you as a people pleaser. You are overwhelmed. You are up to here at capacity, but you're still trying to win safety by favor from that person. Sign number two, you need to fix the energy instantly. Signs, you are still anxiously attached and you haven't mastered detachment as you are trying to fix energy between you, a misunderstanding instantly. What it looks like. A vibe shift in the room. Someone looks moody. You think, "What did I do? Are you okay?" Okay, I'm literally sitting in my car. I'm on my way to pick up my kids and I'll tell you something. It is not a gorgeous shirt. It's from Skims. Well, it is gorgeous, but it's not a shirt. It's the Soft Lounge Rib Sleep Set in the Colour Cypress and yes, it's technically a pajama set, but I swear it looks like this beautiful forest emerald green shirt you can actually wear out and it comes with pants as well. Every time I film content people message me asking where's that top from and I'm like, "Baby, it's sleepwear and I can wear it out as well. I'm not even pretending to be fancy or anything. I just go wearing this. I've been working from home all day about to pick up my son and now I am not changing, okay? Because honestly, I look put together. I look good already. I feel comfortable and somehow I'm still in my pajamas so I can go straight back home and keep working and playing with my kids. I don't know how Skims does it, okay, but they've nailed that mix of soft and flattering and effortless and people are gonna be asking me when I pick up my kid, "Oh my god, where is that set from?" It's from Skims. So if you want pajamas, you can actually live in, shop my favorite ones at skims.com and after you place your order guys, let them know who sent you. Select the podcast in the survey and choose being her in the drop-down menu and if you're looking for the perfect gifts for everyone on your Christmas lists for the holidays, the Skims holiday shop is now also open, okay? I put you one. Let them know. What's up? What are you thinking? Are you okay? Trying to read their mind. That's your radar going off. The adult who makes me safe isn't happy. Fix it, fix it, fix it. Terminate it. Try to read out their emotions. People who are detached aren't attached to the outcome of that person's feelings. You're just sitting there, you've done nothing wrong. Why are you now trying to navigate this person's feelings? They are not talking to you. They have no ownership over their feelings. You've got to quickly fix them, don't you? You've got to quickly fix, make sure that they haven't thought something bad. Understand, being anxiously attached is a controlling thing to be. You are not the flower child and sweet summer child that you think you are, trying to make everybody happy. There's a dark sinister side to it, not sinister in the sense again of evil or maleficence or anything like that, but in the sense of you are not a happy-go-lucky people pleaser. This serves an end for you too. When somebody seems off, you start problem-solving. Why did you say that? Why did I do that? Again, selfish. Anxious attachment is selfish. Most things are selfish or self-oriented at least, but detachment or secure attachment gives the person the real vision of the fact that the world does not center around you, booboo head. It does not center around you, no it does not, okay? You can't rest is another sign until the things are back to normal. This one, you know, I used to suffer with this in my 20s, badly, you know, all the vibes are off, we're not having fun, now I don't care. Let the doorknob hit you with a good lord split you, that's in your butt by the way, in your ass, so I don't care if your mood is now off. I actually find it quite funny. I have moody friends, my husband can be moody sometimes and when he's in a mood I'm like, look at that booboo bearer over there in a mood. Obviously I don't say that to them, I don't make fun of them, but it's got nothing to do with me, I am under no assumption that I am the center of someone's universe. Nobody thinks of you that much and it's both liberating and sad, I suppose if you if you want it to see it that way, for me it's liberating. I feel deeply liberated by the fact that I am not that important to anyone, but also on the back end of it, this is time for another video for this kind of concept, but nobody's coming to save you, you have to do it, nobody's gonna pull you out of bed, make you do things on time, make you, this is why having children has been so powerful for me because they don't let you sleep in and do things. I've realized my capacity, I've realized how much I can do. It's been a very freeing process, even at the capacity right now, somebody who used to help me watch my children cannot do that anymore and here I am recording podcasts, I'm not saying that's some kind of heroism or anything, but I watch my children full-time and I make a full-time income, so you realize your capacity when you realize no one's coming to save you and a trap of being anxiously attached that you might not have realized is that you put so much emphasis on other people and their thoughts about you and make them happy that you also forget the power you have in sovereignty, the power you have in stepping forward in your life and making things happen. In the needing to fix something instantly, the energy, the vibes, your energy system, your energetic being doesn't tolerate ambiguity or emotional distance, you do not let people have space, okay? You chase clarity to soothe yourself, not to make the situation better, honey pants, it's not to make the situation better, it is because you cannot tolerate that system of dysregulation, what does that mean? If you keep constantly chasing the soothing feeling of making the energy and the vibes feel okay, you are creating addiction to that feeling and honey pie, you cannot control everything around you all the time, you can control yourself in your own moods, nor should you be able to control someone's emotions, let the person feel a bit sad or off if they want to, you've asked them once, are you okay? They're like, yep, I'm just chilling, let them chill, let them chill, sit with the discomfort of trying to fix someone, sit with it, I do not control other people's emotions, I do not have the sovereignty of other people's emotions, I do not possess other people's emotions, nor should I, they are the keeper of their emotions, I am the keeper of mine, ask yourself what am I scared of, journal about it, get my journal and journal about it, I'll put it in the description box, journal, talk about it, think about it, do not always attack the person and try and change the situation, this is a perfect example, perfect opportunity for you to sit with the discomfort within your emotional system and regulate yourself, if you've come to the end of the tether and you need to conversate with that person, regulate your body, deep breaths and name your emotion before you act on any kind of vibe fixing that you want to do, Amanda, I want you to regulate your breath, I want you to give it 10 minutes and I want you to name the emotion and think about why you're about to act on removing an emotion from someone else when nobody asked you to, okay, number three, number three sign, you feel safer when you're in control of the connection, that's a deep one, anxious attachment is pivoted on control, perhaps the best thing for a woman if it's a woman watching this to learn is the art of feminine energy, because in understanding feminine energy, if you don't understand it, get my 20 feminine energy principles, I put my heart and soul into that one, about understanding what it means, when I was able to, and if your boy get it too, because you can just, it's not gender specific, if you are able to go into your feminine energy, which is an energy, yin and yang, it's the yin energy, if you are able to go into that and allow things to happen and flow as they are, is the most cathartic and releasing feeling for someone with anxious attachment, the art of letting go, if you always feel like you initiate plans, send the first text, or keep the conversation going, I do this in my friendship groups all the time, and lo and behold, if I stop a lot of friendships die, yes, okay, did I die though, no, and that's okay, and then, oh my goodness, some of them didn't, those are my real friends, because it should be reciprocal, right, and I'm sure it's the same for you, if you're always making plans, sending the first text, and organizing everything, and you are exhausted, understand, that it's not because you're such a like people person, and you just want to plan everything, and you just want to do all the things, no, you're trying to control the connection, you're trying to make sure that everything is smooth, you run the show emotionally, it's always on you, and if you don't, you feel powerless, if you allow the feeling of, and I know you, I know you, because you write to me, I know you, if I stop pursuing him, what if he never reaches out, how about we flip it, and we say, what if you keep pursuing him, and you never know that he was never interested, isn't that more scary, okay, you pull your energy back, okay, you let someone else run the show, they're not interested in you anymore, I promise you, you will be free, and you will be wild, and it will be wonderful, you choose emotionally unavailable people, so you can stay in control, let that land, did you catch it, the reason you keep going for the situation ship, for the guy who's not interested, is because you feel safer controlling the algorithm of the connection, people who are not anxiously attached would not understand what I just said, but you, my dear, secretly, anxiously attached, Nelly, know exactly what I mean, they're unavailable, so you're in control, you do the chasing, you do the running around, you know exactly what's gonna happen, because God forbid your poor nervous system experiences someone who is interested, and they run the show, and then what if they lose interest, that would hurt her, that would actually hurt, as opposed to you running the show, knowing inside they're not interested, knowing it's a situation ship, but at least it gives you companionship while you can control it, control equals protection to you, it feels more comfortable managing love than receiving it, it feels more comfortable to manage love than to receive it, yeah, to martyr yourself for love, to mother the man in your life, smother him, and manage him rather than take a risk actually having a relationship, feminine energy again, let them take the lead, if you are already in a relationship, the reason I tell you about my masterclass is because I put my heart and soul into them, right, so I have coursework in there, I've got sheets, worksheets, things like that, so my relationship, 10-day transformation, this is one for you if you're in a relationship, this is a perfect one for you, okay, about letting them take the lead and pausing, I go into detail in there, but the key to flipping that relationship dynamic and letting go of that control is to let them lead, let them lead, you are not the one who governs life, let's take a chance, I know you think they're incompetent, I know you think they stack the dishwasher like a raccoon, I know you think you're gonna manage everything, but they can, they can do it, they can, practice the mantra, if I'm not being chosen, I'm being protected, if I'm not being chosen, I am being protected, you don't want to be with the person who doesn't want you, life is hard with the person who does not want you, if I am not being chosen, if he does not want me, God has other plans, I'm being protected, he didn't reply to me, I'm being protected, he didn't call me, I'm being protected, you know how we're told that aging is inevitable, well not all parts of it are exactly, for example tiredness, poor sleep, stiff joints and feeling a bit off, whatever part of it is just your cells losing their strength, I've been taking fatty 15 which supports something called C15, it's the first new essential fatty acid discovered in over 90 years, it's science-backed, 100% pure vegan friendly, it's a supplement that helps your cells stay strong and slow down biological aging at the cellular level friends, when our cells age, our bodies age too obviously and research shows that one in three people may have low C15 levels which can lead to what's called cellular fragility syndrome okay, fatty 15 and I've had the founder on my podcast before the start at the beginning, fatty 15 helps repair that cellular damage, improve sleep, mood, metabolism, even skin and hair health basically it helps you feel younger from the inside out, fatty 15 is on a mission to optimize your C15 levels to support a long-term health and wellness especially as you age, which we all are, you can get 15% off their 90 day subscription star ticket at fatty15.com/beingher using code beingher at checkout. Protected, surrender the illusion that control creates safety, real safety is inside you, you have everything you need to protect yourself, you don't need to control this person, you don't need to check their phone, you don't need to plan the dates, you need to see them from who they truly are and let them go if they need to go. Number four, cuatro, you need constant proof that they still like you, this is a tough one isn't it honey bunny, they don't text back fast you spiral, you know that it's like an addictive feeling like a little mouse tapping on the thing trying to get the snack to come out, you look for signs they're pulling away, tones, eye movements, time that they spend on their phone, pace you are like a detective, like people should hire you to run the secret service, you seek frequent reassurance that nothing is wrong, you're constantly looking to see via proof, gifts, things that they still like you, it's anxious because your self-worth is externally sourced and you think you're safe because you are controlling the narrative of the relationship by constantly checking, we okay, we okay, we okay, I want proof, I want proof, oh yep, he called me every day so there we go, he said good morning, we're okay, this good morning one is a big one for you I know, you see the lack of proof as a rejection as opposed to something that they're doing in the life at the moment, busyness, whatever right, you spiral, he doesn't text you after work one day so you don't live together, you spiral, your day is done, done, proof, you found it finally, finally the hound dog has found the proof, you are not loved, aha, let's act on it and as opposed to leaving the relationship because you found the proof that they don't like you, what do you do, you seek the proof, you try and manipulate the person into doing the proof performance that they actually love you, that they actually want to be with you and then you get that soothing feeling of that proof, whatever it might be for you and you are in your cozy cup of soup of proof that you've discovered, what to do instead is anchor to your internal safety, I choose me even when no one else does, I choose me even when you don't choose me, I choose me, I am my comfort animal, I am my best friend, take yourself for a drive, take yourself out on a date, do those things with yourself, okay, create a joy list that centres your nervous system and grounds it instead of I want proof, boom I want proof, boom I want proof as soon as you feel uncentred, go into your music list, do that thing that makes you feel joyful, look at things that make you see beauty, a friend of mine likes to go to art galleries, me I can't go in an art gallery because my mind's too busy but do the thing that makes you happy, don't make someone else's silence louder than your own self-trust, they don't want you, you've got you, you've got you and if you have pets they've got you, kids they've got you, you know, family members, we often overlook little old family members or little dog that you have or that creature that is always there for you, the way my son looks in my eyes is like I am God itself, you know, if I give him attention and undivided, to think that I would even for a second and I know some of you have that relationship with elderly parents, pets or things like that, you overlook them because that's not a dopamine chase for you, right, anchor into the joy that you have with what you already have in your life, sign number five, you feel relief, not excitement when they reach out and this is, you've got to really know your body, okay, I am learning, my mantra for the year has been I only make good decisions because I have an issue with wanting to do the right thing at the right time and not let people down, that's another conversation but when you get to know your body you understand that your body holds emotions, right, and in the holding of those emotions you understand to read your own internal processes and if you're a feminine energy inclined woman you will know your body can become less good-looking with a man who's not good for you, you can develop all kinds of you know UTIs or different things you know when you're with somebody who's not good for you, okay, and same as this I've learned that the feeling of excitement and the feeling of anxiety are very very closely intertwined, excitement being expansive and open but still scary and anxiety being closed off and crushing but still scary so the scariness is similar and the dread is similar sometimes because excitement can make you feel that dread like oh I don't know but is it an open feeling or a closing in feeling, the same as this, when they finally do message you are you feeling relief, like a drug that you have induced and it's calmed you down or excitement, like yay my person's messaged me, what it looks like when they finally call you or text your body relaxes because you're happy or do you relax because your fear goes away, so if you're at a plateau and they message you yeah you're happier that's how it should be, not you are terrified and then it goes back to normal equilibrium, you see the difference, is their reply putting you at normal or is their reply getting from normal to happy, you see that's the difference, you're on edge until they validate that you are secure in their life, they give you that place, they give you that validation, they give you that little head nod, yeah they're the king of your life, give you that little head nod, there you go buddy you're all right, your mistake nervous system regulation for love, you think that you've basically used them as a nervous system regulator tool and you see it as love, oh I'm in love, we have a really good relationship, I'm in love, no you're not, baby girl, that is not the way, you're addicted to external relief from inattention, you're living in a place of scarcity of fear and you're using people to put you back to equilibrium just as you would an alcoholic would do with alcohol or anything like that, their presence becomes your system regulator, you need them to make you feel normal, notice the difference between relief and desire, are they your emotional toilet where you're holding in pee and then as soon as you see them you feel the relief, ask do I want this person or do I just want to feel safe again and if it is the latter then you need to start being your own safe space, build safety rituals that have nothing to do with them, stretching, movement, sun, lie outside, close your eyes let the sun fall on your face, put your feet in the sand, ground, you are safe, you are still, you are happy, you are okay, they do not own you, they cannot make you feel safe, you can make yourself feel safe, you can heal without becoming distant and hard, sovereignty and attachment will set you free, you can be deeply loving and still deeply rooted in your self-worth, I love way more than I used to and I'm more open to loving people now that I'm rooted in my own self and grounded, your attachment style is your survival mechanism, it is not who you are, it is not your identity, having listened to this, having watched this change, become secure, become your own safe space, you are your safe space, from today onwards you are your safe space, you can do it, I believe in you, I've got a lot more to say on detachment and attachment styles and I feel like it's one of the pillars that made who I am, feminine energy, detachment and self optimization, there's a lot on feminine energy on my website, the whole become her brand is the feminine energy aspect, I would love to talk more about attachment and maybe make something for you to anchor in your detachment journey, let me know if that's something you're interested in before I go ahead and build something that you don't want, I love you lots like jelly tots and I'll See you in the next one. You got this.