5 Reasons Perfectionism Does NOT Serve You

Hi friends welcome back to Haleness a podcast dedicated to all things health and wellness with my spin on it today we got some real important and big on the chopping block I am so stoked for this and feeling very proud okay I'm always proud of myself but like this is for I really mean it I'm feeling very much carved up we've got a food increase today okay I'm feeling so excited I'm what 11 days out 11 days out crew reverse has been going super well and I'm just really excited for today's topic because it's very near and dear to me and that would be perfectionism okay today that's what we're diving into and how it's not actually a good thing that we take perfectionism out to be right and this is all coming from somebody who used to classify herself as a perfectionist assuming that it meant I held everything to an ideal standard and never let anything slip up ever and as I've been sitting with these preferences though they have revealed to me what they really are and so I really want to get into that today perfectionism is dumb okay because literally everybody is going to want to claim that they are one it's not some trait that you have or even a preference we want because everybody has it I mean who wouldn't want to get all of their tasks done without flaws and an on perfect time who wouldn't choose to effortlessly navigate through life with no problems like duh is that really a trait that we have or is it just a fantasy that we all strive for and today I'm gonna tell you some reasons I'm gonna list off what I came up with as to why I think perfectionism is bullshit hey and not something that you want to resonate with okay I think this episode would have healed a past version of myself who assumed that being like this gave me bragging rights so I think hearing a different take on perfectionism can be refreshing so here is my Neutrogena commercial crisp die coke refresher that is coming to you live I hope you're having a great week happy Monday loophole number one it's not about executing things without any error it's about a lack of regulation skills when there are errors perfectionists claim to thrive in perfect circumstances okay but like listen to what I just said anyone or anything is going to thrive in perfect circumstances because they're perfect okay you give a plant a right amount of water soil and sunshine and it's gonna grow duh that is how it's science works okay it's not extra impressive that it's leaves are bright and huge because that's just what the conditions help to do right we love having that order and specificity not only because it is nice but because it removes having to deal with deviations so at face value I would tell myself yeah I need things to go exactly this way in order to operate correctly and it made me feel confident in knowing that I held everything to a particular standard it gives you control to have particular expectations for every little thing that you do I love myself because everything around me is perfect and it goes this one way and it's never ever different okay but what you're missing is the big purple elephant that's in the middle of the room with us now or the car or the gym if you're listening to this on the stairs I don't really know okay that sounds like the most insecure shit I have ever heard in my life you are trying to tell me you can only get work done if you're freshly showered if there's a vanilla candle lit and if you have your Sharpie S notes you know highlighters laid out or that the only way for you to feel relaxed is if every check box in your to-do list gets checked off what the hell are you so afraid of Diva what are we doing right the truth is using perfectionism as a personality trait is not the flex that you think it is it's an insecurity it really means we don't know how to sit with ourselves when things don't go to plan the mental monologue when we deviate is so harsh and negative we would do anything to avoid it it's suppressing the inner work that is asking to be done here and that is to trust yourself and your ability to overcome whatever is in front of you sure having everything organized just how I intend it is going to make it easier for me to navigate my life of course but that also means my response and stress is dependent on things being in order 24/7 in order for me to get things done and that's just not realistic and if you put so much pressure on things being a certain way in order for you to be your best who are you taking yourself out to be somebody who can't handle when it changes I mean having the most fluid morning routine doesn't necessarily grant you anything more than if you just focused on the necessities okay it may just remove the space for you to sit with things not going to plan so how do you speak to yourself when things are not perfect it's typically a sign that we are internalizing some things that we don't need to be internalizing okay so if one of your exercises didn't go as you planned you bleed that into yourself you say oh my god I'm not good enough this was horrible this is a terrible lift no babe that set was whatever that set was and your worth was the same before it and it remains the same now it's always there even when moments challenge it the ability not to take things personally I think is such an underrated superpower that has taken me a very long time to practice but definitely definitely something that has made a difference in my life having that confidence to still be proud of your hard work even if nothing else quote unquote backs it up it doesn't need to back it up when you do okay start there loophole number two and this is a good one okay listen up hooves I know my control freak divas need to hear this one so please a life where everything goes exactly to your plan without a hint of spontaneuity or struggle is fucking boring it's boring it's not what you think it would be if every single time that you did anything you executed it the first time you wouldn't learn anything ever even the greatest accomplishments would not feel as gratifying because you didn't have to go through that much in order to achieve them if my prep was this linear skyrocket of I did everything and never ever had any moments of feeling like it was a hard thing it would not feel as gratifying to get to that finish line right having some control maybe nice but only to a certain extent everybody knows the most fun memories are the ones that you didn't plan the most proud of yourself that you can be is when you struggle with things and overcome those things right that's how you can be proud of yourself I learned that to my prep as well or the days that serve you in the weirdest ways were completely out of your typical routine that you usually do I mean it's nice being able to predict where we're going at every hour of the day I get that I like to validate it's okay to prefer being organized and having a framework that you're basing your day off I mean I have a framework that works the best for me sure but understand it doesn't have to go that way in order to be okay and to be positive and coming from somebody who would have sworn you up and down that I need to know when and what everything is at all times I'm telling you juggling that many expectations is fucking exhausting you're loading so much unnecessary weight on to yourself by feeling as if you're responsible for the outcome of 200 different things so not only is it boring but it's fatiguing as well and with time you'll hopefully I hope would get bored of running yourself ragged trying to manage every variable of the world focus on the things that makes sense to control appreciate when you get them let them be different if they need to be and let that be enough life is so much more fun when you don't feel like you have to run everything a certain way in order to enjoy it and that takes us to loophole number three what you assume makes you stronger actually limits your capability it makes sense why we think that high standards would push us to be better right I mean I visualize a really strong workout or staying super consistent with my nutrition whatever goal you have that is inspiring to back up with my best foot if you get what I'm saying but we're not talking about having high standards for yourself that is not the type of this episode we're talking about perfectionism there is a difference because somebody with high standards understands that they're high but there's room for negotiation there I mean I hold myself very up there on the standard ladder but I also know that it may look different some days but perfectionism can and will always make you feel worse about yourself because it's comparing your abilities to an unrealistic standard it is not reachable for anyone nothing in life works that way nobody is perfect even if you think you're getting some golden opportunity there could always be some other facet that maybe would have made it 1% better and that is a never-ending pursuit so comparing yourself to the optimal version of what you're doing all the time will make you miserable okay number four perfectionism assumes that your definition of perfect is the right one or that there is a correct version of anything okay you know your ideal homework block didn't go as you intended and you completed four assignments instead of the five that you wanted to tonight who is to say that that is not just as beneficial for you who is to say that sitting and pushing your way through that fifth one would have been your quality work is there any chance that your version of the perfect evening is not actually what is in your best interest that day any chance your self-assigned definition of what is good or bad has no true research in backing it up just because something didn't go to your timeline doesn't mean it's not serving you somehow what I interpret as a good thing could actually mean nothing but it is simply a truth that I know or one that I have experience with so for example I have a preference to lift around 2 p.m. okay it's 4 p.m. and I'm still working so that day may need to look a little bit different that is okay that is a normal very basic adjustment that many people need to make as life hands us many different variables but here's how the power of your perspective can make or break the life you live I could take an innocent situation and soil it by projecting my perfectionism all over it if I focused on oh my god but this is in at 2 p.m. I never left strong in the evenings this is not going high one at two this is all ruined the congratulations bitch you did just in fact ruin it for yourself you win a gold star in matching your situation to your brains narrative but what we can do instead is say hey not every day is gonna go to my plan that's okay sure I know that I typically feel very strong at this time but I'm just a strong person period who is to say that I can't do my best at a different time of day could this if anything else be an opportunity to create new evidence that whatever I get to do will be good enough if you were to let external circumstances impact how you respond that only validates your need for specific conditions but if we explore how to do our best without everything in order that creates a new pathway of being it's saying hey you don't actually need all of this junk volume of conditions to slay the day you can trust yourself and you can put your best foot forward if that's at 11 p.m. or if that's with your bed being unmade in your room being a mess you can do all of those things or here's a different example maybe you're feeling frustrated because I know we've all been there you have an outfit in your brain and then you try it on and it does not look how you thought it would look in your head but you're rushing you know you got to get to work you don't have time to change so you just accept that it's not as perfect as it could be and you wear the beret that you're really unsure about while you go to the grocery store or whatever that is okay you go to the store you're checking out and while you're doing that the cashier checks you out okay and they make a comment about how much they love your hat they're like oh my god love that beret and they're going on and on about how you know he's actually from France and before you know what you guys are exchanging numbers can you tell that I've been really watching sex in the city if it's such a like sex in the city example there but my point with that example is the things that we think are flaws could be just the traits leading us into a new chapter or new people or new beginnings you could have held your chest lower because your idea of perfect didn't match what you were but that's just your idea of perfect everybody has a different one hell yeah and deviating from your routine could give you other experiences that end up fulfilling your life ten times more than what you're perceived routine could have given you perfectionism is built on your personal biases and however much information that you have so it's automatically limited and very very shallow I can even give you a different more personal example so my definition of a perfect education consisted of the knowledge that I had at the time and that was you graduate high school with the 4.0 nothing else or else you suck in my brain in my 17-year-old brain okay and then you go off to an impressive four-year university studying something admirable that you can like brag about that's it that is the 17-year-old version of Haley's how you make it in life there are no side quests there are no backroads it is nerf or nothing bitch that is what you do as a human so I want you to imagine my surprise life that finds a way to humble you really quick it really does when I got to my high school graduation in the depths of my depression with absolutely no future plan and no direction I didn't have a four-year university that I wanted to go to or plan on going to I didn't apply to anything I felt like the world was crashing around me while everybody else had fun shopping for dorm snacks and command hooks if I lived only in my perceived version of success I would have been a failure then at that stage of my life but what I did instead was all that I could do and that is work with what I had and make the best of my situation so instead I went to community college for two years to both extend my education and just kind of figure my shit out because I just needed a time to like literally cook of what the hell am I doing okay and guess what during that process I continued to feel lost I ping-ponged from major to major I tried I went a business route hated it I tried macroeconomics believe it or not hated it I tried general studies which was fine but I got bored and I ended with communications which I really did enjoy that degree but I didn't know what I was gonna do with that like career wise I didn't have any plan I was like well I love talking and I love learning about how to talk so let me just study this and it was fun but I didn't have like particular goals with that I was kind of just there to say that I was doing something and didn't like quote unquote give up in my brain and I was incredibly insecure about my life direction because I was always comparing myself to that previous ideal like four-year university that myself had created for myself hello and after a couple years of community college I started to get an idea of what I enjoyed and what I didn't and in that process I fell in love with resistance training and I became passionate for helping other people reach their fitness goals and so through that I also started my social media which gave me an outlet and an online platform to potentially explore in reaching those goals and living out my passion so from there I left community college one credit short of my associates my degree mind you so not even a perfect associate degree babe I left one credit short because I was like I'm ready to pursue my bachelor's in my online program that I'm in right now which is for healthy lifestyles and fitness science at ASU is my bachelor's at a bit transferring from community college the way that I did and kind of how I went about all of my education stuff it did set me back further so I did not graduate with all of my friends this past year all of my friends did I did not I still have two years left on my degree and so I will be graduating as of right now at least fall of 2027 and I also just have financial goals of not wanting to take out any loans so I wanted to space it out that way because it allows me to pay it off as I go that's just a goal that I have for myself as well this information okay would have be headed me as a 17 year old my perfectionism would have assumed that I would be a failure getting my bachelor's at 24 you know that there's no way that you can make it in life if you get a late start but there's no ideal timeline except the one that you're on the best path is one that you are pursuing proudly and I have gained more from my own journey than I ever ever could have and what I thought was best for me if I had gone to a four year university my mom and I talk about this all the time I don't think I ever would have started going to the gym consistently I would have never started on my social media like these stepping stones that craft to be into who I am today never would have happened and I'd also be in a lot more debt okay I'll write that right now what matters isn't the way that I made these things happen but the fact that I love my path and what I do right now I am pursuing something that I'm very passionate about and I am making it work for me younger Haley assumed that graduating in a perfect way gifted you with job security or like life assured but I understand now how everyone is truly just figuring this out as they go and that there are numerous ways for things to work out for you I promise do not be so quick to assume that it has to be your way or the highway when there's 20 different detours still able to get you to where you're trying to go it's a hard realization to come to terms with but perfectionism is not really a flex it means we're not trying as many things as we could be we're limiting ourselves and our potential to be dependent on our preferences imagine all that we would be able to accomplish if we didn't put pressure on it to be a certain way like if you went into a lift just excited to move your able body and not so focused on PRing and everything in some insane manner I like to emphasize a tie into health and fitness specifically because I think it relates to a lot of my audience so we can even apply this perfectionism stuff to nutrition I mean that could be its whole own episode but focusing on perfection instead of consistently or consistency will literally drive you nuts and potentially down rows that we would like to avoid while it is important to be accurate and consistent with your inputs like dietary inputs in order to expect trends in whatever your goals directions are your majority is what matters the most if one day you were rushing and didn't get as high protein of a breakfast that you intended that literally means nothing deeper than the fact that you were rushing and did need eggs like you are not a failure you do not need to lock in and get back up you need to regulate bestie you're good there are still multiple meals throughout your day to emphasize protein and to do your best sure maybe your end goal for the day was 100 grams protein and you ended up with 100 grams what if that's actually really solid granted your circumstances in a huge win what if that extra 50 grams would not have skyrocketed your progress as much as giving yourself grace and just aiming for the next day would obsessing over these tiny details will drive you nuts and add stress over things that are number one not that deep and number two meant to prolong healthy enjoyable lives maybe it's a holiday and you went out to a couple of parties you get some drinks some late night snacks whatever period okay how cool that you got an opportunity to enjoy and to celebrate with loved ones you don't know how many of those are gonna get proud of you that doesn't mean you gave up on your fitness goals you were and are a multifaceted human being who drank while also gets to go get their steps and their water this morning okay it's not that deep you don't win a badge for organizing your macros in the most voluminous way possible or for overworking yourself because you enjoyed cake with your friends okay food is not a debt to repay and it does not have moral weight you are not good or bad for any of these choices you're just a human who is making them and I pinky swear that focusing on consistency of a perfection will make you much more consistent over time and enjoy the process of prolonging our health much more along the way so by advice for those who are struggling with accepting themselves or maybe even identifying at this is applicable to you is by asking so what in times of confrontation okay you didn't make your bed before you left this morning and you always do that so what you didn't hit your protein goal one day out of the week so what sit with these thoughts that come up when you ask yourself that what are they revealing to you are you extending your worth to rely on conditions and is there any other way that alternatives can actually serve us one of my favorite quotes to leave you with is do not let be do not let be me say it's my favorite thing ever and then little not even singing correctly do not let perfect be the enemy of good I have that actually written on a sticky note next to my my bedroom mirror so I read that every single morning you got a 10-minute walk this morning before you left for work dude hell yeah that is an awesome way to sell your day I am so proud of you why are you sitting stirring about how it's usually an hour and how it wasn't that day and now everything is ruined all that I hear is that you focus on consistency and maintain the habit that means a lot to you period or you forgot your meal prep while you were traveling and so you got a chipotle while you were on the way hell yeah brother I'm jealous you right now you know what I would give to crush chipotle but right now come on lots of micronutrients and adequate protein even if that wasn't what you had packed maybe that choice put you over your typical deficit for one day but nobody wins for ruminating on that okay you did an awesome job fueling properly move forward continue your preferences the next day get right back into routine that routine is there to help us enjoy a fulfilling life not to cram and force life to be a part of it all the time trust yourself to do your best and focus on that majority as often as you can always going to encourage people to you know align things where you can but this is mainly for if you fall into that polarized thinking of like I only do perfect or there's nothing else that is not true so much of progress is made in the gray areas of just imperfect action and if you remove that stress I promise it will be so much more beneficial to your health than whatever the hell other familiar hell you're familiar with so I hope these thoughts were useful to anybody claiming to be a perfectionist I'm going to go ahead and ask you to get that eraser out and remove that from your name tag if you have you know associated yourself with it because it's impossible to be perfect accept that right now and save yourself an endless chase at satisfaction let life look different sometimes and trust yourself in your ability to slay regardless of if it's at a certain time with a certain meal or in a certain copy shop things fluctuate all the time but the one thing that doesn't is your worth and your capability never ever ever forget that okay so those are my thoughts about perfectionism today I'm really really feeling loving that I'm feeling like I love that guys okay and even this is a great example I'm sitting downstairs in my dad's basement that's what that creaky of the chair sounds like if you've been hearing that I am hitting my protein goal but I promise you I'm not fluctuating on cam that's a crazy way to end the episode but seriously I typically have my podcast recorded like when it's sunny out and when it's before my training so that then I have positive moment girl it didn't look like that today I was doing my client check-ins all morning and I was having so much fun with that that I am doing it now and it's late at night so what literally so what nothing I'm so proud of myself and that's it so I'm really curious here what you guys have this episode I love you so incredibly much let me know what your favorite loophole was that you heard and I will see you maybe in next weeks I I'm not gonna promise anything it is my peak week next week and I'm just trying to be present so like I will see you in my next episode whatever that is might be taking a mini break might not be who knows guys I don't know we're taking everything day by day I'm thinking of a quote that I think I made up where isn't there a thing where it's like taking the by the balls you take it by the rains I don't I don't really know but I hope that you had a fun cardio session or a fun drive and I hope that you're kind to yourself this week and I will see you when I see you I love you bye