Speaker 1Hello and welcome to the How Not To Screw Up Your Kids podcast, the bucket-emptying episodes, all about tackling topical subjects in bite-sized chunks or sharing top tips to relieve either your overwhelm or your child's, because let's face it, your time is super precious. I'm your host, Dr. Mary Han, psychologist and parenting expert. So, pour yourself a cuppa, find a comfy seat and enjoy the conversation. Today's bucket-emptying episode are five powerful reflection questions that you can ask your child to help build their confidence. Now, I often talk about encouraging our children to problem-solve, encouraging our children to take ownership and that sense of capability and accountability and agency, but also in terms of that building that emotional. And there's so much that we talk about in terms of how do we manage those big emotions in the moment and how we help them when they are feeling supremely dysregulated. And I also then talk about what we do after the event. And so I thought, actually, why don't I give you five super powerful reflection questions that you can use after different things for different purposes that you can play around with the wording of your questions. But you'll get a sense of where these questions might be super helpful. And the whole idea is, if we think about it, is the process of reflection is like reviewing what has happened and then considering in lots of ways what our child might need or might do differently. And what happens with these questions is it really drills down into very specific areas. So I hope you will find it hugely helpful in terms of emptying your bucket, because it will help you in those big dysregulated moments afterwards to help support your children. But also it'll be really a powerful tool for your children because the foundations of confidence really are a belief that you are capable, that you have capacity, that you have ability, that you have agency, that you can make choices. And when we do these reflective questions on a regular basis, it helps build those competencies for our children. So let's dive in. So the first one is a simple question about what was going on for you in that moment? So it's really thinking about a question and you can phrase it. I'm not big into scripts. So I want you to play around with that in terms of what sounds non-confrontational, non, not finger pointing, not inflammatory, but just simply, oh, gosh, that was a big emotion, wasn't it? Really tricky. I wonder what do you think was going on for you in that moment? So we phrase it in a particular way where we're non-judgmental. We're encouraging our children to become self-aware because that's part of the reflective process. You know, what was going on at that particular time? And what we're doing is we're helping our children make the connection, the connection between the behavior. So what they choose to do in a given dysregulated moment, and it's a connection to their feelings. So obviously we're doing it afterwards, but if we can get them to see what might be have been going on, maybe they were feeling angry or frustrated, or maybe they were a bit nervous, or they were a little bit intrepidation or embarrassment that they can then begin to see by asking them, you know, what, what, what might have been going on? And then we can then ask them, you know, what, what, what might have been going on? And then we can for you in that moment, they're then able to reflect back on how their behavior is connected to the feeling that they had prior to that. And what it also does, what I particularly like about this one is that it works after it's really helpful for us to do after there's been conflict, or there's been a tricky moment. So you could very easily do this if your child is dysregulated, but you could also do it if they've got, if we've had a major sibling bust up, you know, what might have been going on for you in that moment, it's not a blame, it's not about you've done something, but just simply that connection between the behavior and whether that was pushing their sibling, whether it was being rude to their sibling, whether it was destroying something that their sibling did, but we're helping them to get that connection. So that's number one, that's a really powerful one. Number two, is really based on beginning to build that emotional literacy. So the question is, what were you feeling when you were in that situation? Just before that happened. So we're asking them here very explicitly to notice and to take note of their feelings before the incident, because what that does is it will help them over time to notice the triggers, yeah, to notice the feeling that comes up before they then make that behavioral choice. So this one could be super powerful in building that emotional literacy, giving them a bit of, you know, having a stab, having a go, how they might've been feeling. And then of course we can help support that. You know, if we can sort of say, I wonder if you might have felt if our child is struggling with that, but that could be really helpful for that. It also teaches our children, this notion of cause and effect, you know, this feeling leads to that's the cause. And then it leads to a behavioral choice. Now I'm all for operating within our circle of control. So things don't happen too to us. They don't happen to our children. We get to choose how we respond to a feeling, how we respond to a thought. Yes, we might not necessarily feel that we can control the intrusive thoughts or the rage and the frustration that we feel, but we can choose our response to it. So what we're doing when we're asking that, well, what were you feeling just before that happened is helping them begin to notice those triggers and to make that connection between that cause and effect. And it is great. Great for meltdowns or arguments because we can ask them to go. We're almost asking them to press rewind and then reflect on that bit. So that's question number two. Question number three is a big one. What do you think you needed then? So this is about getting our children to go beyond the behavior. So we're shifting them away from what they did. So maybe the poor behavioral choice that they made in that moment and trying to really see if we can focus on the unmet need. So what do you think you needed then? I needed you to listen. I needed my brother to listen to me. I needed to feel that my voice was being heard. Whatever that might be, what we're doing with that particular question is it's very powerful because what it does is it really hones into what our child feels is an unmet need. And remember, this is about perception. But what it also does is it begins to build problem solving because we're asking them, what was the unmet need? And what would you have needed in that moment to have felt that I showed up for you as a parent, your sibling showed up, or whoever it might have been. And what it does, and that's what makes this one such a big one and so powerful, is that it encourages independence over time, because that process of reflecting on what they needed in that moment helps them problem solve for future moments and future needs, because we're actively encouraging that. So we've got what was going on for you in that moment? What were you feeling just before that happened? Number four, what could you try next time? And this is the real, growth mindset builder, because we're moving away from this, I have this feeling, and therefore I react this way, which is very fixed, you know, cause I do this, and then this is always the outcome. Instead, we're trying to build this powerful sense of growth mindset, which is okay, this is what happened next time I might try X or Y. So we focus with this, the power of that particular mindset, which is, okay, this is what happened next time I might try X or Y. Question, what could you try next time? It's not what could you do? What could you get right? But what could you try? So it doesn't mean it's going to work. It doesn't mean it's perfect. And it encourages our children to problem solve from the perspective of just trying something different. And what it does do is it focuses in on where can there be improvement, rather than where is their blame? And that's why I really love that one. And it just keeps things forward looking, as in what could you try next time, rather than backward looking at blame, at regret, at shame. And what that then does, because it's forward looking, because it's about improvement and not blame, it helps our children feel capable, because they are having a consideration of what they might try next time, and then reflecting on that. So number four is, what could you try next time? Number four is, what could you try next time? And then reflecting on that. So number four is, my last one, what would have helped you feel better? better. And this one is about all encouraging that self-regulation skills, because it's about when we talk about regulation and self-regulation and co-regulation, dysregulation, it all relates to feelings. So when we ask what would have helped you feel better, this is asking our children to reflect on their own self-regulation. How might they build those skills? What might they need to try? Or what might they need for next time? So it builds an awareness of coping strategies, because this idea about what might have helped is a coping mechanism. In this moment, this would have made me feel better. And it helps our children when we're asking them what would have helped you feel better. It helps them communicate. To us, how we might then be able to support them more effectively. What are the things that we might be able to do that helps that? And it's really great. That question is really great for our children and our teens when they are feeling anxious or they're feeling overwhelmed. What would have helped you feel better? And of course, with all of these, the reasons why they're so powerful is because they remove shame. There's no shame in that. There's no fingerprints. There's no you are a bad person or you have done something wrong. It builds reflection, this process and this flexing muscle that is about reflecting on behavioral choices, responses to emotions, responses to thoughts, growth mindset building, because that reflective skill is really powerful. Not only when our children have had an overwhelming moment, but they have really powerful skills when we're looking at them. And I think that's really important. And I think goal setting and moving forward into taking on new challenges. It also strengthens our children's emotional awareness and it encourages ownership. It encourages our children to own the choice of behavior that they made in a moment and how they might do things differently. But we do that in a way where there's no pressure, but there's just this encouragement of ownership. Now, there is one caveat, which I'm sure you are going to be supremely aware of, but I'm going to mention it anyway. Is timing is everything. Use these five powerful questions after any big emotional moment, not during. In other words, when they're calm and they're not dysregulated, that's where the power of those questions will come in. And of course, if you're trying these for the very first time and you don't typically do reflection and that isn't a practice and a skill that your child has learned or flexed or practiced, then accept, you know, start where you're at. Accept that they are, they may find it quite tricky when you ask them one of these questions. And so you might help break the question down and to consider some of the things that might be, I wonder if this might be what's happening. I wonder if you might try this. And then obviously the more we embed this, the more often we ask one of these questions after a dysregulated moment, the more likely our child is going to get used to the questions and get used to reflecting and then being able to process those. So before I head off, I'm just going to say them again, just so that you've got them fresh in your mind. And of course, let me know how you get on. So number one was what was going on for you in that moment? Question two, what were you feeling just before that happened? Question three, what do you want to try next time? And question five, what would have helped you feel better? So I hope you have found that helpful. And as always, if you enjoy listening to the podcast, if you've been a listener for a long time, or if this is the first time you've come across the podcast, then I would be eternally grateful if you could take a moment to rate and review the podcast so that others can find us and we can spread the love. So until next time. And I'll see you in the next one.
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