5 Habits That Quietly Destroy Every Relationship

Here are five habits or patterns that I have seen in couples over the 20 plus years that I've been working with people that guarantees the destruction of the relationship. These are habits that lead to disconnection, they lead to resentment, and they lead to complete break of trust. Number one, venting to people about your partner. When you feel frustrated with your partner, address it with them. Not your friends, not your mom, not your dad, not your sibling, because every time you vent to someone else, you invite their projections into your relationship, and it influences your perspective of them and feeds a negative story about them and your relationship, and it will absolutely weaken your relationship. So speak to your partner when there is a problem. That is how you respect the relationship and you build trust. Number two, not having your partner's back. Part of being in a healthy relationship is having your partner's back in public, even when you don't agree with them or you think they handled something poorly. You don't shame them, you don't correct them, or undermine them in front of others. You support them in the moment. And then later, behind closed doors, that's where you say, "Hey, here's what I saw. You do," or say, "Let's talk about it. I don't think this was the best decision for you or the best thing that you said." So it's public loyalty and private honesty. Loving someone means protecting their dignity, and it also means loving them enough to point out when you think that they have done something that is not in alignment with who they are or their integrity. The third pattern or habit that completely destroys relationships is not accepting your partner's influence. So one of the strongest predictors of relationship success is the ability to accept your partner's influence. This means you actively listen to their point of view. You acknowledge their insight and you're willing to adapt to maybe what they're suggesting you do. Sometimes your partner sees a pattern. Maybe they see a truth, they see a risk that you can't see from your current emotional state and vantage point. So when you accept their influence, when you can say, "Oh yeah, maybe this person has really wise, maybe this person is able to see something that I can't see," you turn the relationship into a team instead of something where you always have to be right. You have to be able to let go of your ego and accept that sometimes your partner has insight into you that you can't see in yourself. Number four, not greeting each other after a long day. So if you haven't seen each other all day, one of you has been at the office or the other one's been home or you both been at the office or whatever it is, you've spent a day apart and there's no acknowledgement of each other. It's like you go straight into talking about, I don't know, something that happened in your day or you're on your phone when you get through the door or you go directly to your kids if you have kids and there's no moment of looking into each other's eyes and saying hello and having there be a warm welcome and a warm hello, maybe that's a hug, maybe that's a kiss, maybe that's a hand on the shoulder, whatever it is. The strongest couples I know greet each other after they haven't seen each other with just like their eyes light up and they are very, very intentional about creating that micro moment of connection. The fifth pattern that couples will get into that will completely destroy their relationship is threatening to leave the relationship every time there is an argument. Threatening divorce, threatening a breakup, saying things like, I can't do this anymore. I want to break up or I have seen an experience and have even done this before. This just isn't working out or we need to talk. This isn't working out. And it happens in a moment of helplessness and frustration and that builds up of resentment. But the reality is this, every time you do that, you are chipping away at the foundation of trust between you and another person. How is anyone ever supposed to relax inside of a relationship with you if that is what you do? How are we ever supposed to relax or feel safe with someone where every time there is an argument they threaten to end the relationship? I understand that resentment builds up but it is our responsibility in a relationship to not let resentment build up to the point where when we are frustrated, then we are punishing our partner with the fear that we are going to withdraw and withhold our love and affection and our presence. Because there is nothing that will make someone more insecure than that. And that is why it is so important to not just base everything on attachment styles. We have to understand that we are training our partners all the time by how we treat them. And you are being trained all the time by how you are treated. And it is 100% our responsibility to deal with our resentment. And if you really, really don't want to be in a relationship with this person, then you have to end it. The moment we punish them by threatening to withdraw that love is the moment we take a bunch of eggshells, crumple it up, throw it on the floor that surrounds us and asks them to walk on it. What makes someone high value has nothing to do with what they look like. It has nothing to do with their job and it has nothing to do with their achievement and their success. What actually makes someone high value is their emotional availability. It is their capacity for vulnerability and being able to make deep connections with others. Their willingness to grow into being a better person and partner. It is the way that they treat others. It is their character. And that doesn't mean that every person you meet who has great character and who is kind is someone who is going to be right for you or someone who you are even going to be attracted to. But that still does not change the fact that some of the most charming, magnetic, successful, good looking people on the planet are also incredibly emotionally immature. And the reality is that your choice in partner is a reflection of what you believe you deserve. It is a reflection of what you believe you are worthy of. So choose a partner who can show up to real life with you, who is willing to do the work necessary to make the relationship work, who doesn't think that love is just a feeling but that actually it is a choice and a practice and a commitment. Always prioritize a person's character over their charm. It doesn't mean that the other things don't matter to you. You may meet someone who is a great person and they're just not right for you or you're just not attracted to them. But maturity is recognizing that a relationship requires a lot from a person. It requires a lot from us. It requires the willingness to increase our capacity for connection and vulnerability. It requires that it increases our capacity for patience and for commitment. And it requires that we increase our capacity for discomfort because it's not always going to be easy. And that takes a very particular kind of person. It takes someone who actually understands that a relationship is what you make of it. It's someone who understands that there's no one else who exists to make them happy. There's only people who can walk beside them as they try to make themselves happy. And the truth is, there are some people who are ready for a connection but they're not ready for a relationship. They're ready for the feelings of love. and lust. They're ready for the good parts of a relationship where they don't have to feel alone and they can have fun. But the, you know, I mean, even know a relationship should be, should have way more good times than not so good times. The truth is, is that if you're, if you're really ready for a relationship or you want a relationship, it goes well beyond connection. A relationship is especially if you're with someone for the long term, it's parents getting old and passing away. It's money problems. It's mental health issues. It's physical health issues. It's jobs changing and and career pivots. And for some people, it's raising children. It's mortgages. It's often very unromantic conversations about real life. But even though those conversations are not necessarily fun and they're not sexy, they are actually profoundly intimate. And so the person who's just ready for connection and not actually ready for a relationship isn't ready to have those kind of conversations, isn't ready to look in the mirror and address whatever has been blocking them psychologically and emotionally from, from achieving deeper emotional intimacy with their partner. People who never self-reflect, they don't actually change. And to be in a relationship, we, it does, we do have to self-reflect. We need self-awareness. We need to be able to admit when we're wrong. It's a lot of checking our pride and our ego. There is no 20 year love story that doesn't come with a thousand tiny moments of us checking our pride and our ego and letting go and letting go of grudges. I don't want us to become so jaded that we think, oh, a relationship is just hard work. No, a relationship is not meant to make us feel miserable for extended periods of time, but it does require a value system that believes in putting in the work to make a relationship work. It does require a value system that a relationship is an ever-evolving thing. It's an ever-evolving ecosystem and it's not just a place where we get, where we go to get all our needs met. It's not just a place where we go to get validated. It's not just a place that we go to get happy. It is a place that we go to grow and change and evolve and mature. And that is what mature relationship is all about. Always prioritize who someone is on the inside. You want to strengthen your own character and you want someone who has strong character and let go of the people who are not right for you, even if on paper, they look exactly how you want them to look and they have this successful career. Because you're never, here's the truth, you're never going to be happy with that person long term. You might feel validated at first, but you're going to be incredibly unhappy if all the other stuff doesn't fall into place. So if you're with someone and you're starting to realize that they just are ready for a connection and not a relationship, that they don't have the capacity and the maturity and the grit to really make a relationship work. That's when you have to release your attachment to the dream and move on. This episode is sponsored by Javetti. One of the things I talk about all the time is the importance of taking care of yourself and paying attention to yourself, whether that's in your relationships, your emotions, your physical health, awareness is always the starting point. A lot of people go through life feeling exhausted with brain fog. Just simply struggling with their energy and just not feeling their best. I know that I sometimes have gone through life like just kind of keep pushing and not paying attention to the fact that I just don't feel my best. And that's actually what makes Javetti interesting. 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We hope that when we meet that right person, when we finally meet them, they'll be this highly evolved, emotionally mature, always regulated, wise, and jellic being that when we're with them, we can finally exhale because the little child inside of us will finally feel safe and seen. But that's not how relationships work. There is no one person who can make all your fears and insecurities go away and no one can fill the voids inside of you left behind from childhood. And we really need to spend less time searching for the right person and more time reflecting on how we can be the right partner because a relationship is not a place to just get our needs met. And it's not about finding someone to complete us. It's about what we bring into a relationship. It's about how we choose to be inside of that relationship. It's about our self-awareness, our capacity for accountability and our willingness to grow. It's about being the right person. A relationship is meant to support you as you face difficulties in your life, but it cannot and will not rescue you from the uncertainty of your life. And yes, when you are with, when you choose well, when you choose a great partner, you will feel supported, you should feel supported. That's what will happen, but their responsibility is not to make you happy. Instead, it is our responsibility to bring happiness to the relationship. And that is something that we do not reflect on enough. And so it's truly less about trying to find this right person. And like I said, reflecting on being the right person, being the kind of person who can not only attract a relationship, but actually can sustain one over the long term and sustain it in a way where both you and the other person feel fulfilled and content at least most of the time, at least most of the time. I was once working with this woman and this was years ago. And she was and is in a fantastic relationship. There has never been a doubt in my mind that she was with the right person for her and that she was the right person for him. And yet for the first several years of their relationship, she would come to me and about, I don't know, once or twice a year and say, you know, with all that she would be filled with all this doubt. I don't know if this is the right person for me. I don't know if I chose right. And she would be struggling with this decision. I mean, it was it was causing her immense suffering. And I would talk about it with her kind of help her sort of process all the while very clear on the fact that she was with someone who was totally not perfect, but really perfect for her. And then we both noticed that there was a pattern to every time she would reach out to me or reach out to someone else about her struggles. And every time she started to question whether or not she was in the right relationship and she would really contemplate whether or not she should leave. And the pattern was that every time she started to feel that restlessness, that ambivalence, there was something going on in her life that had nothing to do with her partner. I don't know, work wasn't going well or she wasn't physically feeling great or she was feeling very stressed in her life with family or friendships or like again career stuff. And even no consciously she knew that it was not her marriage. marriage or her spouse's responsibility to fix that for her. Consciously, she knew that. Unconsciously, there was an expectation of if I'm with that right person, why would I feel all these things? And then there was also the belief that if I'm feeling all this restlessness, then maybe something's wrong with my relationship. And what she never stopped to think about is maybe this is me. I'm experiencing the regular human stuff of, you know, going through phases where I don't feel my best or I feel unfulfilled or I feel a little bit lost. And I'm projecting that onto my partner. I'm not feeling great. So in those moments, all I see is what's not great about this person. I start to nitpick. I start to search for all the ways in which he could actually be more perfect for me. All the ways in which he could be a more perfect man, a more perfect person. And it was only until she started to recognize that she had to actually look in the mirror and see that that discontentment was number one had nothing to do with him. And number two was not his responsibility to solve. Sure, she could open up to him about what she was struggling with. And he could be a support for her, but she never really opened up about it because she thought it was him. And she thought there must be something wrong with the relationship. Now, I'm not saying, you know, there are some relationships that absolutely should end. And we will sometimes choose someone who's very wrong for us. And, you know, the chances are, in fact, 100% of the time, almost, when we're, when someone's really wrong for us, we're actually really wrong for them too. It's just, it's just wrong. And sometimes there's just really extreme cases where someone is just a terrible person and terrible to us. And we need to get out. There's so many different circumstances, but this was not one of them. And so it behooves us to recognize and to acknowledge and to practice that when we are feeling off, mentally and emotionally, that the way that we see the world, the way that we see our life, the way that we see the key people in it such, such as our partner, our spouse, we won't see them clearly. She won't even see ourselves clearly because everything has a filter in front of it, which is confusion, loss, restlessness, unfulfilled. And then everything is tinted that way. And it was only when she recognized that these were needs that she had to learn how to fulfill herself. She had to figure out the work stuff. She had to figure out the family stuff. She had to just be patient when she was going through a stage where she just wasn't feeling great, recognized that that's just part of being human, and that's when we, you know, when we do ask for help or we try to do things to make ourselves feel happier, but it was never his responsibility. And yet if we think that there is just this one person out there for us, if we expect that a partnership be our best friend, our therapist, our coach, this highly evolved being the best intimacy we've ever had in our lives. So we expect that all in one person, then aren't we supposed to be that too? And I don't know that just seems like a lot of pressure because none of us can be that all the time for another person. And so when we put that kind of expectation on what a soulmate is and what the right person is, we are then operating from a belief system that someone outside of us is supposed to make everything that's wrong inside of us better. And that is not how it works. And so, yes, I hope you choose the person who has your back. I hope you choose the person who you feel safe with. I hope you choose the person who you can navigate conflict with and who you're attracted to enough to want to navigate conflict with. I hope you choose the person who, when you go through that stage of life where your parents are aging and eventually pass away, they are like a rock for you because you deserve that and they deserve that from you. And so there's certainly people out there who are way better for you than others until we can reflect on who we choose to be in a relationship. What we bring to the relationship, that a relationship is not just about getting our needs met, but it's about meeting needs. We will never be any closer to the kind of beautiful soulmate-like relationship that we deserve and desire. This episode is sponsored by Thrive Cosmetics, literally my favorite. Listen, I really believe that sometimes it's not just about refreshing your home or refreshing your wardrobe, but it's refreshing your look. Sometimes refreshing your look can be as simple as amplifying your look with clean, fresh beauty products from Thrive Cosmetics. Listen to this, every product is 100% vegan, cruelty free and made with clean skin loving ingredients that work with your skin, not against it. And with over 150 million in product and cash donations to over 600 giving partners, your purchase directly fuels real impact and that is beauty with purpose. I'm obsessed with their everyday eye-brilliant eye-brightener, like obsessed. It is a waterproof eye shadow highlighter stick made to brighten and open your eyes. So it gives you a radiant eye look for like any occasion. You just have to apply it to the corner of your eyes and you actually will look rested and like, I don't know, effortless, it just, it brightens your eyes. It comes in 32 amazing shades. So amplify your spring look with Thrive Cosmetics. Go to thrivecosmetics.com/jillion for an exclusive offer of 20% off your first order. That's Thrive Cosmetics, C-A-U-S-E-N-E-T-I-C-S.com/jillion. How do you know if someone is the right partner for you? If someone is the person who you should commit your life to, your choice and partner, especially if it's going to be long term, especially if you are looking to marry this person, this is going to be the most important choice you will ever make because there is no one in your life who is going to affect and influence your nervous system, your choices, your beliefs, your sleep, your day-to-day than the person you choose to spend your life with. In fact, your partner is a reflection of what you believe you deserve. So in many ways, your partner is a reflection of your relationship with yourself. Just because that's the most important decision you'll ever make doesn't mean that you should be looking for perfection. You should be looking for someone who is right for you and the only way that you are going to know if someone is truly right for you for the long term is by understanding yourself. A lot of people, they go out into the dating world or they're seeing someone and they don't really know themselves. They don't understand their psychology. They don't honor their psychology. They don't want to admit to themselves that there are certain things that they need or they will say, "I really want, I really am attracted to someone who's super outdoorsy, but I don't like the outdoors and I never want to spend time in the outdoors." So we have to really understand who we are and we have to understand our psychology. So if you want to know who's right for you, you have to understand you. But there are some principles. There are some things that you really have to look for in a person. But before we even go there, there's something else you need to consider. As much as choosing the right person and choosing a partner is arguably the most important decision you'll ever make. You also have to show up as the right person because after years of working with couples and also observing my friends' relationships, family relationships, my own relationships, there are five key habits that every single strong couple has in common and it's without fail. And it doesn't mean that it's a perfect relationship, but they all have these five things in common. Number one, when they argued, they never went below the belt. They never attacked each other's character. They never named called. Things might get heated and there might be moments where they get very frustrated or momentarily raise their voices and then they quickly bring it down. But they never, ever were mean to each other. And then number two, they never threatened to end the relationship when they were frustrated. They never said, "I want a divorce or I'm out. I can't take this anymore. I know I've done that before." They don't do that. They just don't do that. Again, it's not that they never get frustrated with each other, it's not that they never argue. In fact, they do have arguments, and they do get frustrated with each other sometimes. But they never threaten to end their relationship because the moment that we do that is the moment that we create insecure attachment in the other person. That is the moment that we make someone insecure. The moment that you feel insecure with your partner, like truly insecure, like you feel like they could leave you at any moment, that is the moment that your nervous system will never become again in that relationship. And then if you're in a relationship with someone and they're afraid, like you've built that insecurity in them, you're never going to have peace in your life either. Number three, they know how to apologize, they own their part. You could be with the best partner for you. You could be with an amazing person, and over the years that you are with them, there is going to be times where they are going to unconsciously hurt your feelings. If they're doing it deliberately, then you have to leave the relationship. You don't want to be with anyone who wants to cause you harm in any way, psychologically, emotionally or physically, but there are going to be times where, I don't know, they say the wrong thing and maybe you're feeling particularly sensitive or they're being particularly insensitive that day because of whatever, they didn't sleep well or they're frustrated, they're stressed or they're tense. None of us are Buddha. We don't have to enter relationships with a monk level of emotional regulation and enlightenment to be able to function well. But there are sometimes, we're sometimes going to hurt each other's feelings, we're sometimes going to say things that we regret. And the strongest couple I have known and worked with over the many years that I've been doing this, they own their part immediately, I'm so sorry, that was totally wrong, please forgive me. Number four, they don't hold on to grudges, they know how to let things go. Enlightenment is the same that destroys a relationship and some people are just, they get aggravated and they just can't let it go, they keep harping on it and harping on it and harping on it. Of course there are some things, there are betrayals that happen that I'm not suggesting that you let go of, but sometimes you're going to get frustrated, sometimes you're going to disappoint each other and it's a really good habit to let things go. Now I have plenty of content that speaks to not tolerating mistreatment, not tolerating BS, not tolerating less than you deserve. Today is not about that, today is about you being in a high functioning relationship where you both love each other, there's no abuse, there's tons of respect, but once in a while you're going to piss each other off, you have to be able to let it go. And number five, and this might be the most important point of it all, they do not withhold their love when they are frustrated with each other. There is no stonewalling, there is no playing games, there is no silent treatment, there's no pulling away or anything like that, none of that happens. They do not, when they're angry they may say, "I need an hour, I'm frustrated," or "I need to go for a walk," but they never punish their partner, they never withhold their attention, affection and love to control their partner, they don't resort to the silent treatment or ignoring each other or stonewalling when they're upset. They have the awareness, maturity and respect to say, "I'm upset I don't want to talk about this right now," or "I need a minute." And I share all of this with you because the right person for you is the person who you can do all these things with, who is willing to roll up their sleeves and do this kind of brave work of relationship with you, and you have to be someone who has the capacity to do that too. And I'll end with one last thing, the person who is wrong for you, without question, is the person who, when you are going through something really serious, like a medical crisis or a family member is ill, or you're going through something really intense, they abandon you, they're not there for you, you don't feel like they're your best friend. And also the person who's wrong for you is when you really show up when you are sitting by someone's side while they're going through a big crisis and you never leave their side. And then they don't appreciate that, there's no acknowledgement of the fact that you put your whole life aside to be there for them, that's not the right person for you either. I'll leave you with one more thing. You deserve to have both chemistry and safety in your relationship. But remember, the person who you have a lot of chemistry with, don't commit to them fully until you discover who they are on the inside and you discover that the two of you can agree on what it takes to make your relationship great and aligned and special. To walk away from someone you care about who cannot meet your needs is one of the bravest acts you can do. And these are not just any needs because there's no one person and certainly not your partner who can meet every single psychological, emotional, physical, existential need that you have. It's just impossible. We can't project this soulmate onto someone and think this person is just going to be my everything. These are like the really core, important needs, meaning you don't feel like you can actually live the life that you want to live with them. And it doesn't necessarily make them a bad person. In fact, it's not even about them. They could be a really good person and that's why walking away can be so hard. So many people stay in relationships that are not right for them because they're so afraid of being alone, they're afraid of losing the connection and all of that is totally normal natural. We are wired for connection and we can form attachments to people because even that we're not, we don't even feel like they're right for us. But especially if you're someone who has a tendency to stay too long, because look, here's the truth. There are some people who leave relationships too soon. It's like the moment things get difficult, they can't handle it and they walk away. And they think that there's, that relationships should just be easy. That love is just a feeling rather than an actual action. And then they jump from relationship to relationship. And as soon as the relationship gets real and as soon as it becomes confronting to them, then they just, you know, it's like they fall apart. They start to blame the other person or they tell, they blame themselves and think, "I'm just not meant for this." And then they end the relationship. But there's a whole other pattern and that's what I'm talking about today and it's the pattern of people who stay too long, ignoring their strong intuition, ignoring the things that they know are right, ignoring their own needs. And they stay too long really out of fear that they don't want to just, they don't want to be single again. They don't want to have to grieve. And so they talk themselves out of it, but meanwhile, they're incredibly unhappy. And like I said, these aren't just any needs. These are like the core needs of feeling safe, of feeling loved, of feeling like you can build a life together. And then we get in our heads and we think, "Oh, you know, the other person, we think, let me justify leaving and make this person a horrible person." And so really the truth is, it's courageous because it might take everything you've got. You have to muster that courage inside of you to walk away from someone and a relationship that you know is not right. And by the way, by walking away, you're doing them a favor as well because people, again, some people, they stay together for all the wrong reasons. And this is honestly what it means to choose yourself. It just means reclaim. committing yourself to the life that you know you must lead. And it's getting really honest with yourself. And being able to finally admit that the life that you're meant to lead can't be done if you're in a relationship with this person. And of course, this has to be after you've communicated, after hard conversations, but at some point you just have to be really honest with yourself and with the other person. And be brave and face the unknown and face the getting back out there again. That kind of courage will always reward you. So sometimes staying in the relationship and working on it, that is the bravest thing you can do. When your habit is to stay too long and you know this is wrong, it is an act of true bravery and courage to walk away. Jillian on Love is a Q-code production executive produced by David Henning and Steve Wilson, produced and edited by Travis Howe, Music by Will Tendi.