499 - Iran Forever, Belfast Riots, & College Commencement

This is Matt Rogers from Lost Culture East, that's with Matt Rogers and Bowen Yang. This is Bowen Yang from Lost Culture East, that's with Matt Rogers and Bowen Yang. We've been talking about Kewpie mayo for a minute now, and wow, so many of you already love this stuff. And if you're thinking, wait, what is Kewpie? Do you not have the internet? It's the OG Japanese mayonnaise, the one with the red cap. What makes it different? Egg yolks. Kewpie is made with egg yolks only, giving it this rich umami flavor that elevates everything. Chefs use it. Restaurants use it. Where chefs work, of course. Food and flavor lovers use it. You haven't tried it yet? Well, find the red cap and see what everyone's talking about, why don't ya? Kewpie. The original Japanese mayonnaise. Kewpie. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Tim Dillon Show. JD Van says war is done in a year. How cool is that? One more year. We've been a little skeptical. We've been a little skeptical here of the Vice President, JD Vance. But I think it's fair. One more year of a war that no one wanted, that we seem to be losing, sounds like a good deal. I mean, another 12 calendar months of humiliation on the global stage with economic ramifications for all seems fair. It can't end tomorrow. Another year of a humiliation for this country. And further proving that we are not militarily capable in the way that we thought we were. JD Vance says Iran war will be history in a year. Well, good. And what kind of history will it be? That's the real question. Fun history. Remember that war in Iran, you'll say, wasn't that a hoot? Fun, fun, fun. The war in Iran. Trump wants Karg Island, which is the home of the Iranian oil infrastructure. President Trump said the U.S. military will attack Iran very hard tonight. But then he keeps doing this thing where he threatens the regime with a bombing campaign or ground troops. Or he kind of, you know, teases nuclear annihilation. And then nothing. Nothing happens. So it's an interesting strategy. We just threaten to do something and then nothing happens. And then the Iranians tell us to fuck off. And then we go, hey, you want to end the war now? And they go, not really. Not really. So I think the Straits of Hormuz are closed again. Here's the other thing about these wars. After a while, you just start losing, like, you know, you'll be talking to people. You go, is the Strait of Hormuz over? Is it open or closed? They go, I don't know. Who knows? After a while, like the Russia-Ukraine thing, it made me think about it. They're in year four of that, whatever the hell that is. Wars don't work anymore. Russia should have been able to beat Ukraine, even though we gave Ukraine a bunch of shit. We gave them a bunch of weapons, some money. But Russia should have. Russia should have been able to handle that, but they didn't. And we should have been able to take care of Iran, but we didn't, because wars don't seem to work. You can't win these things unless you start nuking everybody, and there's nothing to win. What would you even win? If you win, you lose, because now you have this country that you have to control. We all learned all of these lessons with Iraq. We all learned all of these lessons with Iraq and Afghanistan, and actually, we learned them before that with Vietnam, but no one really cares, because there's a lot of money to be made in war. And there's a lot of money to be made in the chaos right after a war, in like the aftermath of a war. So the goal here, I don't even know, is the goal to win? Do the people who are, do the people who push this stuff even believe we can win? Do they even want to win? What is winning? Or is it just kind of like, what if we just had chaos, and missiles flew around, and they killed some of our guys, and we killed some of their guys, and, you know, we hold some territory, give some territory up. That's what they're doing in Ukraine and Russia. I don't even know what's going on in Iran. No one knows, but it doesn't seem to be. You can't govern. You can't govern the world anymore with this use of force. You have to do it the way the Chinese did it. They did it with like TikTok. They did it with corporate espionage. They're doing it with the Belt and Road Initiative. They're going all over the world. They're like building schools. They're, you know, making investments in countries and Africa and other countries. The economic reality of the Straits of Hormuz being closed. Is more of a more of a disruption to the global economy than a missile flying into a base in the UAE, even though nobody wants to see a missile, you know, but nobody wants to see U.S. military bases blown to bits. I didn't. Some people do, but that's clearly not as much of a thing as the Straits of Hormuz. That's all they. Talk about with this war, because it's a choke point where you could sever. The the pathway where a huge amount of the world, I think, is 40 percent or something like that gets its oil. Forty percent of the world's oil or something in that. In that in that capacity goes to. Places like Korea and Japan and all of these places that need oil. And so this idea that you can just. Military. Generally affect the change you want in the world. Twenty to twenty seven percent of the world's petroleum and crude oil goes through the Straits of Hormuz. Twenty million barrels a day, which equates to roughly twenty five percent of all global maritime oil trade. It's a big number. Twenty seven, 30 percent, whatever it is of the world's oil being cut off is a very big number. So you cannot affect change with military in the military. Right. You know, the way that you thought you could, you it's an it's an economic game now. It's an economic game. So I don't know what's going on. I would like the war in Iran to end, but we have to find a way. This is what we have to do. Listen up. We have to find a way to. To declare victory and leave and and and claim to have achieved. Our objectives. Oh, albeit. Realistically, this was a huge humiliation. There's no other way to really say this. This. But listen, you get knocked down, you get back up. This was a big disaster in every way. The messaging, the actual strategy. Everything was bad from top to bottom. This whole thing was a nightmare. But if there's one thing we have in America, it's a rabid sense of delusion. I was just in another country in England for many days, almost a month. They don't have that. And some people say, well, that's sad. They don't have it because it's nice sometimes to have a, you know, quite unhealthy level of delusion. Most people in. Our country walk the streets with a level of delusion that that in any sane society would put them in a straitjacket. If you've ever listened to anyone for more than I don't know, three minutes, you're aware of how psychotic most people in this country are. They all believe they are the star of their own movie and they are building an empire. You know, when you leave the country, you realize. People go to gone dates and fuck and go to Spain and they drink wine and they enjoy their lives. You know, you go on a date in America. It's like a nightmare. You're sitting across the table from somebody who's like, if I just get the right team around me, I can finally accomplish what I'm looking to do. I have to build the right team. You know, I had these ideas, but nobody was really supporting me when I needed them to support me. But now that it's starting to bear fruit, I have to make sure that I have an infrastructure in place. It's crazy. Everyone's great. So those are the people we're communicating with. So we don't have to we don't have to stick stick around in Iran. We just have to find a way to cowardly and shamefully run away. Back out. Run away. Shamefully. While seeming like we are the victors. This is possible. It's America. I have faith in us. We must turn tail and scram. But while doing that, scream about the victory. Tell people how victorious we are. Shove it down their throats. We must come up with some way to prove that this was a massive success while running away like cowards. It is the only way out. It's the only way out. In the middle of the night, we must move all of our military out of that area and we must have a big press conference. We must have a big press conference here in America and we claim that we've destroyed Iran and their capabilities have been significantly decreased and we only stopped hitting them because we are humanitarians at heart. That might be the angle here. We only stopped because they begged us. Now, meanwhile, Iran's telling us, fuck you, let's keep fighting. Forget that shit. We need to say the only way. The only reason that we stopped that war is because they were on their knees begging. Three days of clashes show the Iran conflict is entering a dangerous new phase. President Trump warns Iran will, quote, pay the price for not reaching a deal as both sides. But then he said, we have a deal like recent. You know, when I record this, I just check my phone before I sit down and go, is there a deal? And there's always a deal. And then there's always kind of not a deal. So that's why the only thing. The only thing for us to do is the most American thing in the world. Run away, run away, run away while screaming that we are humanitarians and that we we came in there and we destroyed their capability to detonate a nuke in Manhattan, which is, again, why we went into this retarded war was because Iran was going to have a nuke. And there. We're going to detonate it in Manhattan during the Knicks. And by the way, can can I say for a minute here with the Knicks? I wish I had. I wish I shared the passion that other people do. For team sports. Because the level of excitement that people have over. You know, their team winning is something that I've. I've never shared it. And it's sad. I like when the Knicks win. I like good things to happen to New York. But I I'm I but I don't have that thing in me. Where when they win, I would want to. You know, I saw a guy and he's hitting a Spurs fan with a street sign and him and his friends are stomping out the Spurs fan and breaking his ribs with their feet. That level of passion. Is something that I don't have and I regret not having. I actually feel like my life would be better if I understood where that came from. And if I could harness that type of energy, I've seen I have seen things on the Internet. Regarding this. Where I I'm looking at people, it's like full like cops and riot gear on horses. You know, people just a melee in the middle of the street, people getting beaten within an inch of their life because they had a Spurs jersey on. And I wish I really wish I had that passion for sport. Because to me, it is fun to be a part of something. It is fun to grab a stranger who is walking out of a game. Who is rooting for? The opposing team and give them brain damage. It probably is fun. Now, I'm morally against it, but I'm just I'm just saying I can't access that level of excitement, that level of devotion where I go. So what if I go to jail for attempted murder? This is my team and this is our night. So if I happen to break someone's neck with all of my friends because we're stomping on their feet. Face outside of the garden. That's just what we do. And it's not only in New York. It happens in the UK. They shut down trains that connect different towns in the UK when football matches are on because they don't want people getting on trains and going to the opposing team's town and killing them. This is. Insane to me. I can't. Understand it. There's no part of me that really understands. Number one, delighting so much of the accomplishments of people. You have nothing to do with, which, by the way, is I understand that that's what the whole thing's about. And I'm for it. I think all that stuff's good. The pageantry, the sport, the excellence, watching people that excel at what they do. They're at the top of their game. But what I don't understand is the the the the need immediately to go find someone in the street. After the game or and kill them. I don't get it. But I but I feel like I wish I did. Does that make any sense? I wish I could understand it. I wish because I look at it. It seems savage and inhumane and all of that. But maybe I'm just being a pussy. Like I want I want to understand what it feels like to go. Remember after game six, we killed that guy. Remember after. After game six, that guy came walking out trying to find his hotel and we just killed him. We just stomped on his rib cage until one of them pierced his heart. You know, like, remember that? That was that was fucked up. Yeah, but, you know, that was game six. I know it was all on the line. That's what you'd say. You'd go. Yeah, it was all on the line. But these are the people you have to explain the Iran war to. It doesn't matter. It doesn't really matter. We don't have to give them a coherent explanation as to why we're leaving or not. They're trying to kill each other over a basketball game. Why do we have to give them a coherent explanation? Why in this one area do we have to be honest about what happened? Lie and cowardly run away and say that we did it. They're just decimated. We won. It's got to be better than threatening them over and over and over again and doing nothing. That's got to be. It's got to be advantageous for us as a country to just stop threatening them and just run away. It's it's it's OK. It's what America does after a while. We get bored of these wars and we leave and no one because it's rah rah in the beginning. But none of them have like a big definitive end. They just go on and on and on. And it's a straight up whore moves up. You stop caring. And, you know, the casualty numbers trickle in. They trickle. And there's a lot of games, gamesmanship at the Pentagon press conferences. They switch out a defense secretary here and there, a general here and there. You know, but most people check out. Most people are already checked out of the Iran war. They just don't care. They don't they don't need a big finish. They don't need it. This is all wars forever that I've ever remembered. They start really big. And everybody's excited because we're going over there to fuck them up. And then we usually declare victory prematurely. And then over a period of years, we. Quietly kind of get out. That's what we do. There's no big you know, it's not like we stand up there with the head of the guy. That's that doesn't work anymore. It doesn't work. It's not going to work. Foreign wars are over. Civil wars are back. This is Matt Rogers from Las Culturistas with Matt Rogers and Bowen Yang. This is Bowen Yang from Las Culturistas with Matt Rogers and Bowen Yang. OK, we've been talking about QB mail for a minute now, Bow. And wow, the feedback we're getting. I mean, so many of you all love this stuff. You're stopping us in the street going, I love QB. And if you're thinking, wait, what is QB? It's the OG Japanese mayonnaise, the one with the red cap and the little baby on the bottle. Once you know it, you start seeing it everywhere. People ask what makes it different from basic mayo. Well, the answer, egg yolks. QB is made with egg yolks only, giving it this incredibly rich umami flavor that elevates everything. Burgers, fries, sandwiches, chicken, noodles. Chefs use it. Restaurants use it. People who really love food and flavor. Use it. Whatever you're eating, QB it. So if you haven't tried QB yet, find the bottle with the red cap and see what everyone's talking about. You'll understand. QB. Original Japanese mayonnaise. This is Matt Rogers from Lost Culture East. That's with Matt Rogers and Bowen Yang. This is Bowen Yang from Lost Culture East. Okay, we've been talking about Kewpie Mayo for a minute now, Bow. I mean, so many of y'all love this stuff. You're stopping us in the street going, I love Kewpie. It's the OG Japanese mayonnaise. The one with the red cap and the little baby on the bottle. Kewpie is made with egg yolks only, giving it this incredibly rich umami flavor that elevates everything. Chefs use it. Restaurants use it. People who really love food and flavor use it. Whatever you're eating, Kewpie it. So if you haven't tried Kewpie yet, find the bottle with the red cap and see what everyone's talking about. You'll understand. Kewpie, the original Japanese mayonnaise. Bring up Belfast, some of the riots in Belfast. My people, of course, not in the north of Ireland. I'm southern. I come from, my family comes from Ireland. Anti-immigrant riots leave Belfast on edge. Everyone is afraid. So here's what's going on. More news out of the UK. A Sudanese. Migrant refugee guy was trying to behead another guy in the street. And there's video of this. And I'm really reticent to play it because, you know, we've played a lot of grisly videos on this show. We played that kid getting stabbed last week. Of course, we've played things Meghan McCain has said. I don't know if we want to really go into this here. Is there a way for you to bring up a video? That's not as grisly. But I mean, you know, it's got to have a little grizzle, but not, we don't want to go over the top here because, again, it's a guy in the street and then there's another guy sitting on him and beheading him or trying to behead him in Belfast, northern Ireland. Well, by the way, when me and Sam Talent went there and had a great show, there is a great pizza maker there in Belfast who does an amazing job. And you'd say to yourself, and he makes Detroit style, all these different styles of pizza. He's amazing. I don't know his name. We'll get it. But it's great pizza. And he made individual, like these big pizzas for me and Sam Talent. And I would wish I had his name because I would support him. And he said, let's try to find it out. Belfast Pizzeria because this guy, and I mean, he's probably running around in a balaclava lighting things on fire right now. But it doesn't matter. The pizza was so good. Yeah. I think it's one of those. It was award-winning guys. Did he win an award for this? Is this the greatest pizza on earth? Was that him? It's got to be him. How many flout pizza? So let's shout out flout pizza in Belfast because they have truly some of the best pizza I've ever had. Now let's get this beheading up. But check out flout pizza in Belfast. If you need to refuel, while rioting and burning and killing flout pizza in Belfast, some of the best pizza you will ever have because rioting does can't ride on an empty stomach. All right. So here's this guy cutting the head off. Another guy in Belfast, Ireland. Daddy's just killed him. Hurry up. He's not. Has he got a knife? Yep. Get off. Can we stop it for a minute? This isn't a great commercial for migration. I'll tell you this, you know, of all the, this isn't a, this isn't like the reading rainbow of, uh, migration ads here. You have a Sudanese migrant, uh, cutting a guy's face off in the middle of the street. The aesthetic of it. Not great. Um, just after 10 30 PM last night on Kine, Kineard, Kineard Avenue, North Belfast, America. A man was slashed and stabbed in a frenzied attack with a suspect on top of him on the ground, repeatedly hacking at his head and neck in what looked like an attempt to cut his head off blood everywhere. You know, it was good with flout pizza too. He has a honey. He puts a honey on it, but it's, it's, it's sort of a hot honey, but it isn't, you know, so much of the hot honey now is all you taste is a honey. He didn't do that. I think he used a sourdough crust. It's really good. He's an artist. And I don't say that lightly. So this guy's trying to cut off this guy's head. He's a foreign national. He's shouting in a foreign language during the assault. So he's on top of the other guy going. And so now play some of the Belfast rides because the people of Ireland, they've had enough. They've had enough of this stuff. And obviously, listen, let's make a disclaimer here. Obviously, we that this we, you should not be going up to innocent people. No one should be justifying burning the homes down of innocent people or violently attacking innocent people. This was wrong during BLM. It's wrong now. Everybody knows that it's wrong, but there is an issue with migration all over the world. And this has got to be figured out because this is causing massive instability in these countries. And we're going to listen. People that you bring into your country should be adding value to it. That doesn't mean everyone will. But if you bring people into your country, they they shouldn't be cutting people's heads off. They should go. I have a. One new food. I've come to your country and I have a fun new candy. Take a look at this. It's Turkish delight, which I don't love, but it, you know what I mean? People that come to your car, they got to add a little something. You know, by and large, the Mexican population, America's is really hardworking, Catholic, family oriented, great food. Does that mean that we don't, you shouldn't have a border and everything like that? No, you got to have, you got to have a border. You got to, you know, but Mexican immigration's added. That doesn't mean that you, you can't have a conversation about the levels of immigration. How many people should come in? How do you, you know, figure out a way to screen people? All of that's important, but immigration should be a benefit to a country. You can't just have people coming in. And I'm not saying everyone's beheading everybody, obviously, but if a guy, if a guy in the middle of the street sits there and is trying to behead someone and screaming in his native language, that is not by and large a phenomenal advertisement for continued migration. It's just not. There are images that are seared into your mind, and that doesn't mean that it's representative of all immigrants that come in. It's obviously not. But this is a very bad commercial. For example, I grew up in the golden age of advertising commercials. You know, every, my father cried. This is how much my parents, my boomer parents loved being propagandized and lied to. My father cried at the Budweiser Clydesdales that took a knee. There was a great commercial where the Budweiser Clydesdales took a knee in Jersey City, staring at the World Trade Center, and the World Trade Center was gone. Obviously, this is post 9/11. And it said from one American icon to another. Let's see if we can find that commercial. My father cried at that commercial. My father did not cry when my mother said, "I'm going to divorce you." He didn't cry when I said I was gay. He didn't cry when many of our family members have died, but he did cry at this. He didn't cry when many of our family members have died, but he didn't cry when many of our family members have died. That's all they wanted, the boomers. That's all they wanted. They took a knee. It is. This was powerful. That's a powerful commercial. We'll never forget. Budweiser, get drunk and kill someone with your car. Anyway, the point is this. Commercials played a big role in my life. Advertising plays a big role in the American cycle. and, dare I say, the psyche of people all over the world, right? An image matters. And if you, for example, let's just use a toothpaste, Crest toothpaste, which is not advertised on this show, so I feel very comfortable giving an example of Crest toothpaste. Usually the Crest commercials are like, I got a date and I got to use these white strips to get the stains and the rot off my teeth and the smell of rot out of my mouth. That's the Crest thing, right? Now, if the Crest commercial instead was a guy drilling into the roof of his mouth with a drill and blood coming out, and the guy was clearly mentally unwell and psychotic, and they said, Crest white strips, it can even help this guy. And he was drilling into his mouth and he was sitting in an empty room, a dimly lit empty room, and he was drilling into his mouth and the blood was spurting out. And then they called the executives in and they go, hey, hey, hey, you know what? What happened? What is this? My point here is this. This is a bad commercial for immigration. It is a very, very bad. And the government of the UK and the EU, which has now become really a supranational organization where all these countries are losing sovereignty because the EU is determining the levels of immigration, or it certainly wants to. And the EU is determining, it's determining monetary policy, eventually fiscal policy. The EU is determining the greenhouse gas emission standards. The EU is a supranational organization in Brussels where they're going to decide how countries like Ireland are governed and what the people in those countries have to put up with. So, play it again. Just play that again. And again, it's grisly, but I got to make my point about a commercial. This is a commercial. It's a commercial for continued Irish migration. Here it is. Hold on, hurry up. Daddy, I'm taking a dance. No, you're not. No, he's not. Daddy, I don't want to. Has he got a knife? Yeah. Not good. Get off him, you fucking rat. That's great. Play her. Let's hear that one more time. Has he got a knife? Yeah. You're fucking wrong. All right. So, the people in Ireland do not want to be beheaded. And, of course, that is racist. Obviously, it is racist. If someone ceremonially is beheading you because they come from a country where that's done and you don't understand that, that is an inherent racist attitude that you're having that you need to look into. You need to look into. And address those feelings. Just like if you're unattracted to trans people, you're transphobic. If you don't want it to be beheaded in the middle of the street, you are a racist on some level. It's buried. It's deep. It's buried. But if you look at a guy screaming in a foreign language while he cuts the face off one of your neighbors and you go, I don't like the direction this is heading in, you have an internalized racism. Just like if you don't want to go out with a woman and suck her ass, her cock at the end of the night, you are a transphobic person. This is just. Now, it may be buried. It may take years of therapy to unearth and get out of you. So let's look at some of these riots now because people are unhappy and this is what happens when people feel like they don't have power to affect change anyway but violently. The BLM riots. People may agree or disagree with them, but a lot of black people in this country felt like policing. There's a lot of. There was not enough accountability for bad cops who did things to the black community and then were able to escape without any accountability. And that frustration, that anger, the fact that the American justice system has been incredibly unfair, you know, putting nonviolent drug offenders in jail for many, many years, ruining their lives, giving them. Felonies, the inherent issues with that system, which we. Most of us realize the anger there boils over and it becomes something that's uncontrollable. And here, in the same way that people feel like they cannot affect change, they cannot get the government of their country to listen to them, they're begging for less immigration. Whether you agree with it or not, it's still a democratic country and they do not want it. Every poll shows that they do not want it, but they cannot stop it. They have no power to stop it. And so now here they are out on the street. This is Northern Ireland. Belfast. Tonight, police firing water cannons against rioters as they threw projectiles back. A new evening of more violence exploding in Northern Ireland. Protesters building a blockade. Homes and vehicles set on fire this week. Here, a bus, a blaster, a blaster, a blaster, Just violence upon violence. My neighbor's house was set on fire? Stop it for a second. What did my neighbor do? I don't even know if that's. I should be able to do a brogue. Hold on, am I getting close to it? Hardish a little bit. Here, come over here, Roddy. Come over here, Declan. Here, cut his head off in the middle of the street. And we set on fire. Well, anyway, I'm not making light of it. Obviously, I'm saying that it's not good and they need to address the concerns of the people because there's massive riots there. Okay, we've been talking about Kewpie mayo for a minute now, Beau, and wow, the feedback we're getting. Uh, do you not have the internet? Kewpie is made with egg yolks. Egg yolks only, giving it this incredibly rich umami flavor that elevates everything. Chefs use it. Restaurants use it. You'll understand. Elon Musk. Musk is talking about this and other issues. Now it's trillionaire, by the way. Congrats to Elon Musk for making a trillion dollars. I feel good about that. You know, I do think it's good when someone has a trillion dollars. I do. I think, you know, if I wanted to give a commencement speech and I was not allowed to, I petitioned several colleges and it was no, it was across the board. And then they've got Noah Baumbach. You see that speech at Vassar. It's like, oh, it's so genius. Noah Baumbach, these like dumb cliches. He's like, you know, Noah Baumbach. It was whatever. It was mediocre slop. I'm not saying he's not talented. It was a mediocre slop fest, that speech. It was a slop fest that Noah Baumbach bullshitted Vassar. And I watched it because everyone's like, he got a standing ovation. It's profound. And the whole thing's about, he wrote a play in college and it got a bad review, but he persevered. Who gives a fuck? These commencement speeches suck. So it was like that. It's like masturbatory crap like that. Or it's like somebody just going, get on board with AI or we're going to kill you. And I prefer the latter. I prefer the latter. It's honest. I prefer a commencement speech where someone goes, you got to get on board with AI or we'll kill you one way or another instead of Noah Baumbach's mediocre slop fest that I had to watch this crap. Let's play a little of this crap, please. Thank you, President Bradley and the Board of Trustees and the faculty for welcoming me today. And congratulations to the amazing graduates. Go in the middle. Get in the middle. Go in the middle of this. Just anywhere. If this rebuff isn't, it's enough to deter you from continuing writing This is the guy who told him. in that profession. Right. If you can take away something positive from each rejection, you will be growing and inevitably improving your craft. Please extend our warm greetings to Brad Salmson, who is the stage manager. Sincerely, da-da-da. What is this? Keep playing. Keep playing. Thank you. And so I'll leave you with this random man's vitriol as you all go out into the world and seek your fortunes. Believe it, that was the end of the speech. When I read this letter at age 20, I was stunned. It was difficult to know what to do with this feedback, if we can call it feedback. And when I found it in a box again at age 45, I thought, well, he's so successful. These people are, it's unbelievable. He's still holding, he wrote a shit play in college. Some guy said, your play sucks. And he's still holding on. And he's trying to like shame the guy with a commencement speech at Vassar because this guy can't get over. He's still like a 17-year-old. And this is supposedly amazing. And I can't give a, keep going. I want to keep watching this. Unaccustomed to rejection. It could never be as bad as I remembered. Amazingly, it was, kind of worse. By the way, this is the worst thing that ever happens to these rich, stop it for a minute. The worst thing that ever happens to these rich cunts that go to Vassar is someone tells them they're not as much of a genius as they thought they were. This is the only problem that most of them have had in their life is that someone at some point in their life, and I know Obamac's supremely talented, and I wish he believed that so he wasn't up here talking about this rejection he got 30 years ago. But, you know, they automatically, immediately, all the kids are on board with this, okay? Because they're all like, yeah, well, yeah, I totally get that because, like, somebody told me that I was actually not a genius. Keep watching this. And this was billed as, like, the commencement speech. Everyone had to watch. It was so great. Keep going. I wish I could tell you that this was one of those. By the way, my retard agency will probably set up, like, some meeting with his production company next week or something. I'll just be sitting there. I'll be like, I'm a huge, I'll go like this. I'll go, I'm a, I'm a massive fan. And I saw, he didn't, he did a commencement speech recently I thought it was brilliant. I thought it was actually kind of brilliant the way he brought up a rejection he got 40 years ago at Vassar that he's still holding on to. Wow. That was so amazing. Keep going. Keep going with this. Where everything happens for a reason and when a door closed, a window opened, but it wasn't. After I received this letter, I did not wander out into the street in a daze and get hit by a car and the driver of that car didn't turn out to be my future wife and the surgeon who fixed my leg did not turn out to be a famous producer who wanted to make all of my movies. None of that happened and I wouldn't meet my future wife for another 10 years and we'd get divorced. All right, it's fine. It was a good quip. No, there was no unexpected rose that came from this sharp thorn. So why do I, I want to share this with you. Yeah, why? What can we learn from this? What? Tell me. I'm waiting. Tell me. Well, I would caution any playwrights in the audience to send their work to this specific producer. But when I looked him up a few years ago, I discovered that he'd passed away, which also put to rest any hopes I had of reaching out to him and inviting him to the Oscars. Oh, how gross. How gross. How petulant, childish, and gross. How petulant, childish, and gross that you're using your commencement speech at Vassar to settle a score with a dead guy that didn't like a shit play you did 30 years ago before you even knew how to do the thing you're doing. What a disgusting. Get him out of here. But so what I, what I wanted to give a commencement speech, this was going to be my commencement speech. Ready? I don't know who would let me do it. And I'm going to freestyle it as I do every episode, everything. I say, but I don't know who would let me do it. What college would let me do it? A community college, right? Like Fresno or something, California. It'd be a shit one. Be a bad one. Because they have graduations for community college because they, because certain people from a community college will then go off to a four-year degree. But most of them, after they graduated community college, they will then start a terrible life. But they don't want that to be known. So there is, there is still a graduation. I don't even know if they have commencements. Can you AI, ask one of the AI, Claude or whoever, ask them if they have a commencement speakers at community colleges, because that's what I would be doing. I'd be giving a commencement speech at a community college to losers. Yes, community colleges frequently include commencement speeches in their graduation ceremonies. Try the YouTube one. YouTube community college commencement speech. Who is going out to do, we don't know about, Bambach goes to Vassar. Vassar. Who's doing them at the community college commencement speech? Who would do, oh, oh my God, is this real Fresno? This is amazing. Who is this? This is a guy who's giving a speech at a community college. Somebody named Mr. Paul Calvo. Who the hell's that? Okay, let's listen to him. Can we listen to it? Did it have volume? Couldn't be anyone else. What is it? Hope Corps music? What is it? I'm very curious, because I just said Fresno as a joke, not even realizing it, but that's kind of interesting that the Fresno Community College even brings in a commencement speaker. I would figure they would just bring in a public defender to tell everyone about their rights and about that they didn't have to consent. To a legal search and seizure. And if your wife accuses you of hitting her, never say anything before there's a lawyer. But apparently they actually have a commencement speech, which is amazing. But anyway, my commencement speech would have been this. I would have gotten up and said, Elon Musk, ready? I'm at the community college commencement speech. Now I'm dressed just like I am. I'm not dressing up. I'm not dressing. And I tell the kids how to go. I'm not. I'm not dressing up. This is no longer a world where we dress up. There's nothing to dress up for. Am I right? What, did you wear a suit when your brother died of fentanyl? Because that's the only thing left to wear a suit for anymore when someone you know is dead. Anyway, it's good to be with you here at this commencement speech. I want to thank Fresno Community College for inviting me. Elon Musk is worth a trillion dollars. What do you think about that? He's worth a trillion dollars. And what have you done? You've sat in this school and you've listened to teachers talk to you about the future. You've listened to teachers tell you that hard work and dedication to craft and honesty and integrity mattered. And maybe it doesn't, maybe it doesn't, but who cares? A billion dollars is not real money. Look at me, Fresno Community College. A billion dollars is not, is not real money. A hundred million dollars is a joke. It's a fucking joke. To have a hundred million dollars is a fucking joke. Oh, is this him without the. You are about to be handed his reel. Let's see what he says here. It will open doors you cannot see from where you are sitting right now. Yeah, the door to a jail cell. I know some of you are transferring. Some of you. Stop it right there. That's what he goes. He goes, I know some of you are transferring, but most of you, this is it. This, you went to Fresno Community College and now your horrible life starts. And I like, did he, does he say most of you or some of you? Go back. Let's run that back. And to be honest? I think he says some of you. I don't even think he says most of you. He knows they're not going anywhere. Where are they going? Where the fuck are the kids at Fresno Community College going? Some of you. That was me. That was him. And to be honest, the next part is harder than this part. It is because it's a real school. You will sit in a classroom and feel like everyone else knew something you were never told. Yes, they did. Who their father was. They knew who their father was. They did know something you were never told. This is your father and he has a job. Of course they know something you weren't told. Who is this guy, by the way? Who is this guy? Who is this guy? This is like a guy who works at the. This is like the regional manager of Geico that they bring in here. And God bless him. What does he do for a living? Oh, Stanford Electrical Engineering, class of 25. Wow! He started at Fresno Community College. There's always one. And then they bring him back. Let's finish out his little statement there. Because by the way, there ain't nobody else going to Stanford. That's. That's it. And he should tell them that. He should go, I went to Stanford. None of you will. I'll tell you where you're going to end up. You're going to end up in a rest stop bathroom choking down cock. Whether you're gay or not. Elon Musk has a trillion, a billion, ain't nothing, and a hundred millions a joke. You can't get a house. A house is three million. A smoothie is $45. And an Uber to go kill yourself is $89. To go get in a suicide pod. So shut the fuck up up. I went to Stanford and you're not gonna. You don't have the money in your bank account to order an Uber to once a suicide pod. You're going to borrow that money from a friend to go and end your miserable life. Elon Musk has a trillion dollars. You've got shit. You've got shit. Going to a steakhouse now for a meal costs what you pay for rent. So it's over for you. Your generation's been fucked and you'll continue to be fucked and many of you will go insane. This is what I would say. Many of you will go insane and the process will be quick. It won't be long. It won't be something that takes place over years. You will snap quickly. You'll be in traffic. You'll get the 15th job rejection and you'll that's when you're going to want to grab a weapon. And a lot of people on this commencement speech will tell you to not do that. Not me. Not me. We've left you no choice. We have left you no choice but to grab a weapon because we have put you back. We're putting you back in the bush. You're going back to nature. You're going back to the jungles again. You will fight for food. You will fight for water. You will trade and you will barter and this is your life now. I'm sorry. Favors. Ask somebody for a ride so you can sell your blood or semen or whatever you got left. Unless you find a way. Unless you find a way to go on Polymarket. And it's not an ad for Polymarket but they should give me more money than they've already given me because I would say that to the kids. I would go, it's actually just Polymarket for you or you will live in a car and you will have to choose which one of your children to sacrifice like Meryl Streep did in Sophie's Choice. Can we continue with this guy? I like this guy. I like him a lot better than Noah Baumbach. He died so I couldn't invite him to the Oscars. I heard you. I heard you. Serious is right. And I know some of you came here from somewhere you do not talk about. Yeah, all of them. Maybe you came from a prison cell. That's right. Maybe you came here from a house where nobody before you went to college. That's right. Maybe you came here from a version of yourself you're still trying to leave behind. What a depressing speech. I love this fucking guy. This is worse than mine. The real one's worse than my joke. Pause this for a minute. The real speech at the community college is actually much more haunting than my joke. I love this. Let me tell you right now, I've reversed my position on Mr. Paul Calvo, Cavlo, Calvo, Calvo, whatever. And I will say this is the most depressing speech I have ever heard in my life. Including whatever speech Hamas got before October 7th was lighter than this. This is the crazy. Many of you came here from a prison cell or a house where no one went to school and you're running from a version of yourself you're trying to get rid of. Let's see how he finishes this. By the way, I am big time impressed. What a, what a great speech. Keep going. It is the one institution in my life that did not ask me who I used to be. It asked me what I was willing to learn and how hungry was I to learn wanting to learn. Right. Right. Right. I can't even talk. My electromagnetism professor did not care about my tattoos. None of my calculus professors cared about my record. I'm an MS-13. So what? Now I'm at Stanford. Fresno City College. Stop this for a minute. This is what DEI was. They would put somebody from MS-13 at Stanford. All right, get him out of here. Did a great job. I do like him. Well, the answer? Egg yolks. Chefs use it. Restaurants use it. You'll understand. This is Matt Rodgers from Las Culturistas with Matt Rodgers and Bowen Yang. This is Bowen Yang from Las Culturistas with Matt Rodgers and Bowen Yang. You're stopping us in the street going, "I love Kewpie." And if you're thinking, wait, what is Kewpie? Chefs use it. Restaurants use it. You'll understand. Um, Barry Weiss, friend of the show, big fan of Barry as always, and her mission to destroy all life on earth, sponsored by the Ellison family. Uh, Barry is, um, you know, obviously Scott Pelley left 60 Minutes and, uh, it's a real shake up. Now, Barry, by the way, if you can look this up, she's ensconced herself in a fort. Like on the sixth floor, so one of the floors, Barry Weiss is at CBS and she will not see the staff. Barry Weiss, um, will not go into the staff. She's in a guarded area. She's in a, like a, uh, a secluded area. Like when Dick Cheney was in the, an undisclosed location in the Piak, um, so Barry Weiss, the editor in chief of CBS news has been. He's been working out of a secured lock suite on the sixth floor of the CBS broadcast center in Manhattan. Her physical isolation from the main newsroom follows a controversial overhaul and staffing cuts at, um, 60 Minutes. Um, so Barry Weiss, um, who is, who took over CBS news and is, is, is destroying it. By the way, she will also soon be running CNN because they're going to buy that too. The Ellisons, I believe are buying that and then Barry will run that. Phenomenal. So Barry has now found herself running the newsroom from a, um, uh, like a secured location. A, um, she's being a, she's got many, many security guards because Barry has to be protected from her staff who might say things to her, like, what the hell are you doing? And why are you destroying everything? So Barry is being, uh, kept in a, uh, isolation chamber. A sensory deprivation. A sensory deprivation tank where she is destroying, uh, CBS news and soon CNN. She's been there under a year. Barry's been there under a year and she's so far, so far, okay. She's been there for under a year. She is no longer, uh, she's in, um, uh, solitary. They've put her in solitary. She cannot be in general population because she's causing too many wars, uh, with the gangs on the yard. So Barry in less than a year has found herself in solitary confinement in CBS. You know, you were doing a good job in an institution when you are afraid of your staff. You know, you are the mark of a great boss is to be ushered into a building with security and then ushered out again, like, uh, uh, the president. That's when you know, you're killing it when you're doing a great job. When you are afraid to face the people whose lives you were ruining. So because of this great job that she's doing from her isolation chamber on the sixth floor, they have decided because, and no, for no other reason than her performance for no other reason than Barry's performance, she's being elevated to the head of CNN. Get that up. Barry Weiss will be overseeing editorial at CNN. Now you might say, "Oh, I'm living a bad dream. No, no, you're not. You're living at the end. Yahoo. Here you go. Go up a little bit. Barry Weiss within weeks. I'm sorry. Hold on. Go up just a little bit. There you go. Barry. Okay. The Hill, not Yahoo. What am I talking about? Yahoo. The Hill. Barry Weiss expected to extend takeover to CNN. Wants to Warner Brothers Paramount deal is final, which they've just finalized. So Barry Weiss will now be running CNN. Now, here's the question. What bunker will they build her at CNN from which to run it? Or will she run CNN from the bunker that they have built from her at CBS? Or here's another thought. Do they build an off location, an offsite bunker like a nuclear silo? Several stories underground where she will destroy both networks from that. What is the most efficient and safest play for her? I don't know. I don't know. CBS has started construction of an offsite missile silo where Barry Weiss will work. She'll continue to work. Controversial porn star Bonnie Blue is now pregnant and announces her baby shower will be a golden shower. Bonnie Blue says she is inviting the public to celebrate her baby by peeing on her and having sex with her. Recently, she was seen drinking in a nightclub while pregnant. I'll tell you right now, this Bonnie Blue, and you know me, I don't like to judge. This Bonnie Blue seems to be an unstable woman who, I mean, this has got to be, whatever she's doing has to be illegal. Like, whatever's going on, and you know me, I'm not a theocrat, but, you know, she's got a baby inside of her. She's drinking. She's telling people she wants to be peed on. I mean, here's a question, folks, and it's an actual question. Is this a real person? Like, is this an, I mean, I'm genuinely, like, I'm genuinely, sometimes I see these people that are out there and I go, is this an actual person? Is this an actual person? Is this an actual human being? Is this, like, a government thing? Is this an alien? Is this something? Is this an actual human being who's doing this? And by the way, maybe she is. I'm not saying she isn't, but is this an actual person who is doing this? It's an interesting question because she should be in jail if she is deliberately harming her unborn child. It's disgusting. And we're going to just go back to, like, you know, cotton mather Protestantism in this country, like deep, deep hellfire brimstone, because it's the Bonnie Blues of the world, or the fact that we're calling everyone queer now, like gay and lesbian doesn't even matter. Everybody's queer, and everybody has to subscribe to this idea that men and women are a fiction. And these are completely, you know, these gender roles have been completely socially constructed, and children can choose their gender. And the gay marriage percentage of people that approve gay marriage is dropping. The percentage of people that approve gay people in general is dropping. It almost seems like it was a bad idea to tell a bunch of people that their seven-year-old could choose their gender at school. Doesn't that seem like not so much of a good idea? It's not. To these idiots that I talk to who think everything's an overreaction and everything's overblown, maybe it is an overreaction, but, like, they're debating some new law in New York where they're going to replace men and women or father and mother with gestating person. Like, all of this shit is so silly and ridiculous. And why? Is this anyone's problem? Did the words father and mother bother anyone? I vote, like, people not having healthcare bothered them. I didn't think they cared about the word father and mother. Who is this oppressing? This is what I mean about the fights that the Democratic Party needs to avoid if they want to be taken seriously. This idea, and I'm all for trans people living their lives, and I'm all for gay and lesbian people obviously living their lives. I don't want to be told that I can't get married. But I'll tell you this, if they do reverse it, I'll marry a fat heiress tomorrow. Like, a fat heiress and live better than anyone. I'll marry a fat heiress, a pig in a blanket, I will marry. I'll walk down the aisle with a pork chop in line to the throne. A fatty boom baddy of means. So, I will, but this is what's good. The reason that people are reversing their earlier positions on things like gay marriage is because the gay movement is pushed so far, the trans movement is pushed so far, that people are getting tired of it. People are just tired of having to reconsider and reevaluate everything in their lives. You have to give people a little bit of peace. You have to give them a little bit of peace. You cannot keep telling people that they need, you have to respect people's religious beliefs that differ from yours. You have to allow for disagreement. You have to allow for people to not agree with you without feeling like they need to be, you know, tied up and yelled at until they agree with you. You need to allow for these things. And if you don't do that, you're going to create this world that you supposedly don't want. And I see it, happening. And I see it, I see the Bonnie Blue person, and I'm not making it about her, but she's like, I'm pregnant. I want people to pee on me. And, you know, it's, I don't know what's going on here. This, this, the porn industrial complex where it's like, people used to watch a little porn growing up and it was like fun and silly. Now people are addicted to it. Their dicks don't work. They're on SSRIs. They're, they're, you know, whatever. They're, they're throwing their lives away. They can't go out with women there, you know, and, and this Bonnie Blue and people like that are pushing things into a deeply troubling place where like, I don't even understand. I don't understand what motivates this woman. It's very disturbing to me that I just adopted a kitten and I care more about it than this woman seems to care about her own boy. child. I was going to bring it on the show today, but it's not ready. It's a golden British chinchilla. It's long haired. It's supporting Rupert Lowe and, and, and, uh, the restore party in the UK. Um, the name of the kitten is Albert. He's turned on Nigel Farage. He feels like he's too soft and a grifter and is now explicitly backing Rupert Lowe and reform. That's what, that's my cat. So he wanted to come on, um, and do a whole thing. He wanted to read a statement about restoring the sovereignty of Britain. Keep Ireland, Ireland. He's got a little hat. Not today. Let's wait, you know, but I don't like this. Bonnie Blue's getting peed on. And I mean, pee on, pee on people in private. You know what I mean? Let's finish here. Let's finish here with this, um, paradise body positive community for women turns dark after founder accused of, uh, predatory behavior. Let's end here on a feel good story. This is a bunch of fatty boom baddies here. It is a community that promises body positivity and a safe space for plus size women, but its founder has been accused of predatory behavior. Can't fatties just join a cult without worrying about some creep? Can't a bunch of fat women just join a cult without worrying about some creep? Can't a bunch of fat women just join a cult Can't a bunch of fat women just join a cult without worrying about some creep? Can't a bunch of fat women just join a cult without worrying about some creeps just doing it for some creepy reason? Let's watch a little bit of this. Back in 99, my parents took my brother and I for a five week round trip across the US, including Disney World in Florida. And all of a sudden in the aquarium section, there was this super sized girl just walking around. I was obviously way too shy. I used to talk to her, had my parents in tow, so I would never. But there was a wake up moment. It was like, okay. By the way, pause it just for one second. I'm calling you right now, society, we have 10 years left. I'm telling you right now, we have 10 years left. This won't, this, whatever this thing is, won't go on for another 10 years. I'm telling you, we have about 10 years left as a society. After this, everything we've covered this whole episode, this is, I mean, the high school, the college graduations, the guys like you came here from jail, your parents didn't go to school and you're running from a version of yourself that you no longer want to face. That's the positive speech at the college graduation. This guy has a. cult of fat women because he got inspired by some whale he saw at Disney World. They're burning buses in Belfast. People are beheading each other. And even more disturbing than all of that, they're giving Barry Weiss another job! So we have about 10 years left. Continue. Paradise on three! One, two, three, Paradise! How do you want to do it? Take your dress off. And I like these biggins because they're big! Look at the people that are at the house right now. It doesn't get any more beautiful than these girls. Yeah, strut! Strut! Strut! This right here is a message of paradise. You're afraid of the judgment. You feel like, I'm fat. I'm going to die alone. But it's never the truth. No, you got this guy. I'm fat, but I'm not ugly. Five years ago, there's no way I would have been able to do that. My whole intention with Paradise was always just to bring positivity. Well, I don't even want, by the way, I don't even want to learn that this went wrong. I just want to labor under the delusion that this worked out for all these fat women in this creep. This weirdo. This guy. I don't want to learn he was some predator. I want to go to bed tonight believing in this community of fatty boombaddies and their weird feeder fetish father. And I don't even want to learn the next, I don't want the next shoe to drop. Much like we have to believe that we won the Iran War to run away like cowards that were humiliated. We also must believe that these fat women were brought into this man's home and treated appropriately. I don't want to live in a country where this guy gets a bunch of fat women in a house. Just to be some type of predator. I want this to be wholesome and joyous and fulfilling for everyone involved, including him and the women. And I don't want, I won't, I don't want to believe it. Um, describes how his obsession with plus size women began at Disney World in Florida when he was a kid. You know, listen, different strokes, different folks, you know, um, is that the, is that the thing? Different strokes? Is that it? It is, right? Well, folks, we've done it all. Congrats to Elon Musk again for having a trillion dollars. I do. I wonder about that. I think is it good for democracy where one guy who owns a social media app and has contracts with the government um, has a trillion dollars? I don't know. Rockets are fun to watch, right? I mean, are we really going to get lost? Lost in weather eventually. He hasn't hired Barry Weiss yet. I'll tell you that much. I'll tell you one thing about Elon. I'm not even, I'm not really a huge Elon fan, but I'll tell you the one thing that Elon has not done with a trillion dollars is carved out money for Barry Weiss um, yet, and um, we don't know. We hope everything gets better in Northern Ireland. I don't have a real, I love obviously my grandparents, I'm from Ireland, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Um, but do I have a connection with Ireland? No. Like Bill Maher said, if you can get this up, if you could just find this. Bill Maher said once when he landed in, I don't know if you'll be able to find it, when, I forget who he was talking to. He said when he landed in Ireland, he started crying because he felt such a connection to Ireland, which is such horseshit. It's unbelievable. But people just say things and lie all the time. Um, no, no, no. Bill said it. I know that Maureen Dowd also said it, but Bill Maher also said when I was landing in Ireland, I just felt like I just started to cry because I just felt I felt really connected to, and it's just like, no, you didn't. No, you didn't. No, you didn't. That's crazy. Um, we'll find it. It's not a big deal. We don't have to keep looking for it, but it is true. And I don't feel that way when I land in Ireland. I go, all right. All right. Fine. Beautiful, gorgeous country. Lovely people. Good butter. Good bread. But, you know, I hate to see it burning. I hate to see it burning. So but I also understand that this policy is not a sustainable policy. And all these people can come and yell and scream about racism. And about fear of the other, about all of this stuff. And there's some of that to be sure. But unless you give people a way to feel like they're democratically controlling their countries, they're going to lash out violently. There is nothing left to really do. Truly. I mean, take a look at this again here. I mean, this is terrible. This is like people in Belfast going house to house looking for migrants in a victory. We don't want this. We don't want it. This is not a civil society. But what what how does this all working? How is this global world that we're all creating? Now, here's the deal. New York City works because the economy is dynamic and thriving. You have people from all over the world. And they're all living together and, you know, because they're living in this dynamic economy where people can earn a living. Now, how is this working in stagnant economies? By the way, countries that have existed for a very long time that have unique and specific cultures, blending this all together is going to be very difficult. And it's proving to be very difficult. And it doesn't make you a Nazi to point that out. Economically, culturally, socially. The word racist is lost all meaning. No one really cares about it. Nobody. And it shouldn't. But it has. And one of the reasons it has is because it's just become the thing that everybody uses to to discourage any conversation about all this stuff. It is not a good commercial for migration to have a guy cutting a guy's head off in the middle of the street. That is not. Now, if that guy was selling a candy that no one had had before and when he yelled, he was saying, come, and what he was really saying is, come try this candy I've made. That would be nice. But he's cutting a man's face off in the middle of the street instead of saying I, hey, I've made some candy for everyone. Why don't you try it? Isn't it tasty? You know, there's ways for this stuff to work, but it's not working right now. It's not working and it's hitting a boiling point and we're hitting the summer and things get bad in the summer. Things get hot. Literally and figuratively. So unless people feel like they can wrestle some control of their country's back, we all have to build an isolation bunker. All of us have to be in the bunker, not just Barry Weiss. Good night. Okay, we've been talking about QB Mail for a minute now, Bow, and wow, the feedback we're getting. You're stopping us in the street, going, I love QB. Well, the answer? Egg yolks. Chefs use it. Restaurants use it. You'll understand. QB, the original Japanese mayonnaise.