446 You Can’t Productivity-Hack Your Way Out of Overwhelm (Do THIS Instead!)

This episode is sponsored by Quince. You know what I love about giving gifts? Finding something someone will actually use, not something that sits in the closet, but something that becomes a favorite. And that is why I love Quince. They make beautiful everyday essentials from premium materials like Mongolian cashmere, organic cotton, and premium stretch denim. They're 100% Mongolian cashmere sweaters start at just 50 dollars. And they have gorgeous cashmere scarves, gloves, and 14-karat gold jewelry. I love the idea of giving someone something that feels luxurious, but is also genuinely practical. I went to dinner the other night with a friend. And we both showed up wearing Quince purses. They were so cute. She had a black big bag, and I had a small white purse. And they're so cute. Because Quince works directly with ethical factories, their pieces are priced 50 to 80% less than similar brands. I use Quince and you should too. Give the gift of quality this holiday season. Download the Quince app for app exclusive offers or go to Quince.com. Get free shipping on your order and 365 day returns. Now available in Canada and the UK too. And when Quince asks you where you heard about them, let them know. It was here on the I Have ADHD podcast. It is the best way to support the show. This episode is sponsored by Taukaya Tree. Something that breaks my heart about the ADHD community is how often we feel like we have to prove that we're struggling enough to deserve help. We tell ourselves, other people have it worse. I should be able to handle this. Maybe I just need to try harder. And sometimes we spend years, even decades believing that. But you don't have to reach a breaking point to deserve support. That's why I want you to know about Taukaya Tree. Taukaya Tree is a 100% online psychiatry practice providing evaluations, diagnoses, and ongoing medication management for ADHD, anxiety, depression, and more. You'll work with a licensed psychiatrist who creates a personalized treatment plan and supports you over time. Taukaya Tree accepts major insurers and you can schedule your first appointment in days, not months. Head to Taukaya Tree.com/I have ADHD to complete the short assessment and get matched with an in-network psychiatrist in just a few minutes. That's T-A-L-K-I-A-T-R-Y. com/I have ADHD to get matched in minutes. Taukaya Tree.com/I have ADHD. Welcome to the I have ADHD podcast, where it's all about education, encouragement, and coaching for adults with ADHD. I'm your host, Kristen Carter, and I have ADHD. Let's chat about the frustrations, humor, and challenges of adulting relationships, working, and achieving with this neurodevelopmental disorder. I'll help you understand your unique brain, unlock your potential, and move from point A to point B. Hey, what's up? This is Kristen Carter, and you've tuned into the I have ADHD podcast. I am medicated, caffeinated, regulated for the most part, and ready to roll. How are you? Get in here. Happy autumn. It is upon us. It is officially, officially upon us. I hope that you have the most magical, colorful autumn season. That is what I am wishing for you. I am so glad to be with you today. We're talking about overwhelm, and I just did a webinar on overwhelm. Maybe you caught it, and I'm in the middle of teaching an overwhelm course inside of focused, and I cannot tell you how applicable this is to my own life, and so I just can't stop talking about it. This morning is such a great example of overwhelm in my own life. I live about an hour away from the podcast recording studio. As you can see, I am in the beautiful podcast recording studio now, and I woke up on time. I was so intent on having a regulated, peaceful, and intentional morning. Let me tell you what I did. I sat on my phone, and I scrolled. I didn't really lose track of time. I didn't understand how much time I had. I was thinking that I had to leave my house at 10 a.m., which is not correct, at all. Not correct, even a teeny tiny bit. At 8.35 a.m., as I'm in the middle of cooking bacon for my son, and eating my own breakfast, and just taking it so easy, I realized that what I actually wanted to do was leave the house at 9 a.m., not 10 a.m., and it was just one of those moments where it's just like, "Christian, what are you doing?" And usually, I've got to say, my internal self-talk has improved so much, and I am so much kinder to myself. But this morning, I really got trapped in a shame's spiral. You have had all of this time. I got up at 7 a.m. I was like, "I am going to be in the shower at 8 a.m." And all of the sudden, I don't know what my brain did, but it glitched. Literally, I had an ADHD glitch. I'm getting hot just talking about it because it was so frustrating. It was so frustrating. And all of the sudden, I went from this like, "Relax. I'm just getting it all done." State to like, "OMFG. I have 25 minutes to get myself out of the house." And I am supposed to be like, dressed, hair and makeup, like all of the things. And what happened internally is something that hasn't happened in a while, which, as I said, was a shame's spiral. And then, I started to feel shame about feeling shame, because I was like, you have been doing this for so long. And you should be so advanced in this process. Like, what is going on with you? Why are you feeling shame? So not only was I now rushed, now really understanding that I was behind on time, I was in a shame's spiral, and then I was layering on suffering. In addition to that, I was like feeling shame about feeling shame. I was just so annoying. And I literally had to use my own tools to soothe myself. That is what we are talking about today. What do we do when we are overwhelmed? How do we handle it? There's so much to be overwhelmed about right now in life. If you're listening to this episode in real time, politically, economically, the world is kind of a shit show. And my goodness, there is a lot to be overwhelmed about. For so many of us, we are struggling financially. Like, everything is so expensive. The job market is horrible. Interest rates on homes have skyrocketed. Like, I just am feeling so much empathy for the state of the world right now. And that can really lend itself to this constant state of feeling overwhelmed. It is just, it's a lot. And I just wonder if you are also feeling that. And for some of us, we really have to take care of ourselves by not engaging as much as possible in the news and current events because it is just our empathy gets like weaponized against us. And all of the sudden, we are literally carrying the weight of the world on our shoulders. But even if that is something that you have worked on and you're really trying to be purposeful about like managing your capacity and managing your own empathy, which I think is something that for those of us who have ADHD and for those of us who are highly sensitive, we really do have to be intentional about managing our empathy and making sure that it's not kind of like thrown everywhere, but that we are intentional to be present in our own lives. But in addition to that, I know that we are struggling. We're just struggling like financially and we're struggling with the weight of the bills and the increased prices. And for those of you who are like raising families, like I am in a season right now where my kids are the most expensive that they have ever been. And as someone who like has navigated parenting for years and years, like I've been a parent now for 18 and a half years, that's quite a long time. I can't believe how expensive kids just continue to be with sports. And now I have a college graduate, I mean a high school graduate who is pursuing like education. It's just like there's just so much. So I want to talk about overwhelm today because I need it. And I usually bring to you on this podcast the things that I'm struggling with and the ways that I'm working through it. And one of the things that I realize about those of us with ADHD. And this is like so layered and I'm not going to go into all of it. But what I notice about adults with ADHD is that we usually, not always, but usually have a distinct lack of support. Now if you are someone who is privileged enough to be in a supportive family, a supportive marriage surrounded by a supportive community, in a supportive work environment. Good for you. You're so lucky. You are so blessed. But most of us aren't. Most of us are struggling. Most of us are actually having to pay for support. And I talk about this a lot in focus because like having a distinct lack of support in your life is is so difficult and what it means is now because of that, I am paying for a therapist, I am paying for a coach, I am paying for support in other ways because I just don't have it naturally, relationally around me and that's hard that is so, so ours and we are here to talk about overwhelm today and I, like I said, I did a webinar on this recently, a master class webinar, whatever and I enjoyed that webinar but I wanted to give you more, I put it on the podcast, it's in the podcast feed, it's on the YouTube's but additionally, I just wanted to give you more, I wanted to give you the entire stop method, I wanted to just give you more tools at your disposal, number one for free because some of us just need free stuff right now, free tools, free help but in addition to that, I am here today to do something that I've never done before which is I'm going to give you my half-off code to use for focus to get half off of your first month because the world is a shit show and we need support and if you listen to this podcast and you find this stop method extremely helpful and you're like, I want more of this, I need it, I want you to come into focus, I want you to use the half-off code, this is not, this is just so like interesting because usually y'all, usually, this is a limited time offer, it's during launch only, it's this like exclusive thing but like for those of you, for like the couple thousand of you that are going to listen to this exact podcast episode, you get to use the half-off code whether it's now or in six months or in a year, like you get to use it whenever you want so you can come into focus for half off your first month, you can access the overwhelm course immediately, okay? That's what I want for you, that's what I'm giving away today, I'm in the mood to be a giver, why? because the world is hard because we need support, because overwhelm is kind of overtaking us as a community in my opinion and I want to be the solution to that problem. So I'm saying that at the outset, we're nine minutes in and I'm just letting you know right away, I'm going to give you a lot more context around why we're overwhelmed and how do we deal with overwhelm and then if you are like, gosh, I just, I need more support, I want you to come into focus, you can go to I have edhd.com/focused, use the code half off and join for 50% off your first month, all right, here we go, why are we overwhelmed? I mean, obviously the state of the world is so hard but for those of us with edhd, we have biology working against us when it comes to overwhelm, we have executive function issues, we have poor working memory, struggles with emotional dysregulation, we have time blindness, like I did this morning, oh my goodness, the time blindness was off the hook. We have dopamine depletion, we have lack of task initiation, we have difficulty prioritizing, we have attention issues, obviously we have a brain that gets overwhelmed easily and what happens with an edhd brain is that when overwhelm hits is really hard to get out of it because we kind of get stuck in that emotional state of overwhelm. So yes, edhd is a big issue and a big reason why we're overwhelmed but in addition to that, our lives are overwhelming. So in addition to having the edhd brain that's more susceptible to overwhelm, we also have too many commitments, the invisible labor that we're doing all day all night, we're parenting, we're working, we have a lot of unfinished tasks, we have constant interruptions and the state of the world as previously noted is just not great right now. And so we have two things working against us, yes, our lives are hard, they're full and we all have a lot going on, we do. In addition to that, we have an edhd brain that is struggling to manage all of it, struggling to prioritize, struggling to kind of organize it and suss out what's most important here and once we get into that overwhelmed emotional state, it's very hard to self-regulate and get out of it. I really want to get the point across today that overwhelm is not a productivity problem, it's a mismatch between what your edhd brain can realistically carry and what you believe you should carry. We have this idea that I should be able to manage all, that I should be able to do it without support. Other people do it without support or other people have the privilege of support and I don't have the privilege of support, but why should I have to pay for support and what I want you to know is that if it is not inherently in your life, that it may be who you, I can't believe I just said be who, like a nerd, like a nerd, it may be who you to break down that barrier of like I'm annoyed that it's not readily available to me and take a step of ownership and just go for it. Your edhd brain has limited executive function resources, of course, an easily dysregulated nervous system, we're dealing with poor working memory, time, blindness, emotional impulsivity and a lifetime of internalized expectations that tell you that you should be able to do everything that everyone else does and we have a fantasy version of what everyone else does. We think that everyone else is nailing it, that they're getting it done, that their lives are smooth and systematic and succinct and perfect. And so we look at their kind of highlight reel, their Instagram feed and we say they have it together, but I don't have it together. And then we have these expectations of ourselves that we should just be able to do it. So of course we are overwhelmed. Now what we so often do is say, I'm overwhelmed. The way to get out of this overwhelm is to be more productive. If I could just be more productive, then I would be less overwhelmed. And how many of you have told yourself as soon as I get to next week, I'll be less overwhelmed. As soon as I get these five things done, I'll be less or as soon as XYZ happens, as soon as I can get through this season, I will be less overwhelmed. And what I want to know from you is how's that working out for you? How's that working? Does it work? Because what I see, what I've seen in my own life and in the life of my clients is we never get there. We never get to that point where it's like, oh my gosh, I am like magically calm. I am no longer overwhelmed by the state of the world. I'm no longer overwhelmed by my to-do list. I'm no longer overwhelmed by the tasks, all of the tasks coming at me or the sheds that I keep throwing at myself. Like, is that a thing? Is it a thing? I don't think it is. I want you to really, really sit with this for a second. Do you ever actually get there to the place where you're like, and now I'm good? And now I'm not overwhelmed. And now I feel calm and capable and able to move through this. What I want to give you today is a taste of the tool that I use in focus for my overwhelmed course. And I'm only halfway through this course, but I am obsessed with it. I'm obsessed. Yeah, like I'm absolutely obsessed with it. Why? Because I truly believe that this right here is the solution to our overwhelmed issue. And I will tell you, the solution is not make a list because what happens when you make a list? You put 7,000 things on the list, including all of the things that you've wanted to do for the last four years, all of the things that you've told yourself, I should do. I should be able to do good people do these things so I should do them. So we make this gigantic list. And then because of our ADHD executive dysfunction, we struggle to organize the list. We struggle to prioritize the list. We struggle to know what is actually crucial and essential to get done from the list. And so we look at this massive list. And instead of being less overwhelmed, because we've made a list, we're actually more overwhelmed because the list is so massive. This podcast is brought to you by my coaching program focused. If this podcast makes you feel seen, I want you to know you don't have to keep figuring out your ADHD by yourself. And it is my group coaching membership for adults with ADHD and it was built for your actual brain. Not some fantasy version of you who was perfectly consistent, never procrastinates and always follows through. Inside focused, you'll get ADHD specific courses, live coaching every week. Body doubling and accountability support plus a community of people who truly get it. And here's my favorite part, you can show up messy, we expect it. You can and should be inconsistent, you can disappear for a bit and come back. There is no falling behind in focus. You don't need to try harder or become a different person. You need support that actually works with the brain that you have. If you're ready to understand yourself better, trust yourself more, and start creating meaningful change in your life, I would love to coach you, go to I have ADHD.com/focus to join us. That's I have ADHD.com/focus. I'll see you inside. This episode is sponsored by AG1. You know what happens this time of year, everything starts piling up. The holidays are coming, schedules are packed, and suddenly taking care of yourself feels like one more freaking thing on the already impossible to do list. This is why I love keeping things simple and AG1 is a part of my morning routine-ish. I guess not a great routine, but I do use AG1 every single morning. AG1 next gen combines 75 plus ingredients, including vitamins, minerals, pre-end probiotics, and superfoods all in one scoop. And it's backed by four separate gold standard clinical trials, with improvements in key nutrient levels within three months of consistent use. They've also introduced AG1 Pro, which adds creatine and other ingredients designed to support performance and recovery for me. It's about making nutrition easier, especially when life gets busy with an ADHD brain. I use AG1 every single day, and you should too. For a limited time, visit drinkag1.com/iHavADHD and get a free immune support bundle, including omega-3 fish oil and vitamin D3K2 with your first subscription of AG1 next gen or AG1 Pro. That's drinkag1.com/iHavADHD. This episode is sponsored by Masterclass. Have you ever thought about something you've always wanted to learn, but somehow never made time for? Maybe it's becoming a better communicator, learning to cook something new, or finally understanding why certain habits are so hard to stick with. I think sometimes we forget that we're allowed to learn something simply because we're curious, and that's what I love about the idea behind Masterclass. You can learn from some of the best in the world, including James Clear on building habits, Esther Parallel on relationships, and Amy Polar on using improv in everyday life. There are over 200 classes across 13 categories, and you can even listen in audio mode while driving or walking, and 83% of members have applied something they've learned into their real lives. Masterclass keeps adding new classes, so there's never been a better time to get in. Right now, you can get up to 50% off any annual membership at masterclass.com/iHavADHD. That's up to 50% off at masterclass.com/iHavADHD. Head to masterclass.com/iHavADHD to see the latest offer. Sit with that for a second. Is that you? Is that your story? When productivity people are like, "Well, you just need to make a list." I actually think that's a terrible idea. Actually, I think that's a terrible idea. At least a terrible idea as a first step, because our list is never ending, and what we truly struggle with is to discern what is the one thing today that matters. That's where we truly, truly struggle, so sure we can make the list, but all kinds of random stuff goes on the list, and then we are so bogged down by the ball and chain that we are dragging around the ball and chain. That is this list that we're just like, "Okay, now I have a list. Now I have the 17 million things that I know I need to do, but instead of it lightening my load, it's actually increased the weight that I'm carrying." This is a big issue. That's a big issue that I'm talking with my hands, like a weirdo, because it just needs to communicate what a huge issue this is, so how do we solve the problem of overwhelm? Like I said, I'm going to give you more than I even gave on the webinar that I put out recently, because I want you to have it, and I want you to know that there are steps that you can take, and I also want you to know that there is a supportive community that you can do this work alongside. That is why I am making it so easy just for you, only for the people that are listening to this podcast. There's not going to be an email. There's not going to be an social post. There's not going to be anything. It's just for you, just for the select few of you that have pressed play on this podcast. You get to use my half-off code to join, focus, to do this course, to be involved in our community. You get 50% off your first month when you use the code half-off you can go to iHVADHD.com/focus to do that. Okay. Let me teach you the entirety of my stop method that we use for overcoming overwhelm. The first part, the first piece is the S. In the stop method, the first piece is the S. See what's happening. This part is hard because it is actually hard to be honest about what's going on. It's actually painful to observe clearly, oh, I'm really overwhelmed right now. Then, like I said, with what I went through this morning with my unhinged morning, oftentimes when we see what's happening, it can kind of trigger this shame spiral, this additional suffering that we have. So we see it, we observe it, we say, oh, my gosh, I'm overwhelmed. That's what's going on. And then immediate shame spiral. This shouldn't be so hard. Why is this easier for everyone else? How come everybody can do it, but I can't? What is going on with me? What is wrong with me? I'm broken. All of a sudden, we've gone from this state of observation to the state of shame. And so the key thing that we need to bring in here is compassion. And there's so much research, I have a whole chapter on self-compassion in my upcoming book, there's so much research that shows that self-compassion is protective. It's not letting yourself off the hook, it's actually protecting you because it's allowing you to stay connected to yourself in the midst of trial, tribulation, conflict, overwhelm. And so instead of hopping on the shame spiral, we're instead staying connected to ourselves through self-compassion. And that sounds like, hey, I can see you're overwhelmed. This is really hard. Take a deep breath. You're really overwhelmed right now. There's a lot going on. Of course you're overwhelmed. Of course you are. Deep breath with me. Stay here. Don't hop on that shame spiral. It's okay that you're overwhelmed. You have ADHD, there's a lot going on. I think you're in a state of overwhelm right now. This is you talking to you, by the way. This is you talking to you. Imagine being able to use that tone of voice and that amount of compassion and kindness with yourself. You're observing what's going on, you're stopping. You're seeing what's happening and you're saying, whoa, whoa, whoa, there's a lot going on here and see you're overwhelmed and that makes sense because there's so much happening in your life. There are so many demands and you're shooting on yourself quite a bit. If we're being honest, you've added a lot of sheds here. So yeah, of course, of course you're overwhelmed. That moment of stopping and seeing what's happening is the key moment for the ADHD brain. And this is probably the hardest part for us because we just live on the hamster wheel. Don't we? We just live on that wheel. We're just going and going and going and going. Sometimes we're not making any progress. Sometimes we're just on that hamster wheel and we're just like frenetic, urgent energy, but not actually accomplishing anything, which of course perpetuates the overwhelm. So the actual method of stop, if you can write it down, if you can see it, if you can truly make it a practice, it will change your life. Whoa, you're overwhelmed. You've got a lot on your plate and your emotions have skyrocketed. I can see what's going on for you here. Whoa, don't, don't spiral into shame. Come back to me. Come back. We're going to get through this together. We are. Now, what most of us do is we can observe the overwhelm and then we want to rush right down to the productivity, which by the way is the very last step. If you're listening on audio and you're not seeing the graphic, totally fine, but just so you know, productivity is the last step. But we so often try to solve for overwhelm by going straight to being productive. The problem with that is we're often not making valuable decisions. when we move straight into productivity, because we're taking that frenetic, urgent energy, that panic that we feel that's like, "Oh my gosh, I've got so much going on, I just need to do something." I just need to do something to solve this problem. We're usually using that energy to move into productivity, and then what do we do? We're hopping around like a, like, we're buzzing from one thing to the next, usually not really accomplishing anything, and sometimes if we are getting things done, we realize later, oh, that wasn't actually the priority, that actually wasn't the thing that I needed to get done. And so then we feel like, "Frick, I wasted my time." And now I'm overwhelmed again, so it's just like a cycle that repeats. So I really want you to understand that productivity is the very last step. After you observe what's happening, you see it, you're like, "Dude, you're an overwhelm." We need to take a beat here. We need to just notice that you are super overwhelmed. The next thing we want to do is T. So we've done S. Next is T. Take the pressure off. I want you to think of like a pressure cooker or a pressure valve where we're just kind of like opening up that valve and letting some steam out. This is the part where we spend just a couple minutes regulating. Just a couple minutes. We want to take some time to regulate. Why? And I can already hear you're like, "Kristen, I don't have time. "I'm time to regulate. "I don't have time to feel my feelings. "I'm overwhelmed. "I gotta get shit done. "I gotta do it. "I gotta do, do, do, do, do." That's the hamster wheel, my friend. That's the spin cycle of the washing machine just going around and around and around and around. No, no. We actually need to stop, see what's happening, and then take some of the pressure off. We need to open up that pressure relief valve. Why? Because when we are dysregulated, when we are in the actual body-feeling state of overwhelm, we don't have access to our frontal lobe. We truly don't. We don't have access to the part of our brain that allows us to make a useful, good decision. We don't have access to that part of ourselves that says, "Okay, what's the most important thing? "How can I organize this?" Because we are just totally flooded. And I know that you know what it feels like to be totally flooded. I know you do. I know you wouldn't be listening to this podcast if you didn't. I know that you know what it feels like to be totally flooded and not have access to those good decision-making parts of your brain to your frontal lobe. So you really need to know logically that when you are dysregulated, you don't have the ability, usually, to make a great decision. Now, the solution to that is regulation. The solution to that is taking the pressure off. The solution to that is opening the pressure relief valve so that you can take some of that steam out and be in a more regulated state. Are you gonna feel calm? Probably not. Probably not. I wish I could promise that, but probably not. But will you be more regulated and more able to make a good decision? Yes. The method that we use for emotional regulation inside of the focus program is surf. And when you surf, a big part of the surf method, which I teach in detail in the overwhelm course, a big piece of the surf method is allowing the emotion in your body to unfold, letting it unfold. That's what the U in surf stands for. I just made a U shape with my, I don't know why. I don't know why. That's what the U in the surf method stands for. Let the emotion unfold in your body. You want to take a minute and we can do it here together where we say, okay. Oh, this is a lot. I've already seen what's happening. That's the S. And notice that I'm overwhelmed. I've added in a little, self-compassion and now I'm just going to let the emotion be in my body. And I'm going to breathe through it. And I'm going to take a moment to let that intensity course through me. I'm letting that intensity course through my body and I'm breathing through it. And I'm taking a moment to take some of that pressure off, taking a moment to regulate, taking a moment to let this emotion unfold in my body. And then once I've taken a moment to do that, maybe two minutes. Now I'm going to get myself back online, okay? So like, yes, I've let the emotion be there. I've breathed through it. I've noticed it in my body. I've let it intensify. I've let it course through me. Now I want to get myself back. And so now maybe I'll do some jumping jacks or I will ring out my hands like this or rub my palms together or I'll pat on my thighs or I'll maybe I'll do this butterfly. If you're watching on YouTube, you can see crossing my arms on my chest. And I'm doing these butterfly taps and this is called bilateral stimulation. And I'm just kind of getting myself back. Hello, let's get back online. Super dysregulated, but we need to come back to ourselves. So much of overcoming overwhelm is reconnecting with myself so that I can make a good decision. Reconnecting with myself so I can be fully present and online and not just running around on the hamster wheel making absolutely no progress and increasing the intensity of my overwhelm all throughout the day and not getting anything done. No, no, no, no. We're not doing that anymore. My friends, we are not doing that anymore. We're gonna see what's happening. That's observation. We're gonna take some of that pressure back. That takes some of the pressure off. That's regulation. The next thing, this part is my favorite part. This is my favorite part. We're gonna open up to what you need. That's the O. So we're using the stop method, S, see what's happening. T, take the pressure off, O, open up to what you need. This is all about delegation and support. Open up to what you need. You know that it is so hard for most people with ADHD to name their needs, be honest about their needs and ask for what they need. How do I know? Because I surveyed 2,165 adults with ADHD and this came up as a persistent issue from that snapshot group of people with ADHD. That is actual data, but just anecdotally in my coaching program focused, I'm seeing this constantly. And I'm curious for you, when I say, open up to what you need, especially in that tone, open up to, and just like this gentle tone, doesn't make you want to vomit? Does it? Because for most people, that answer is yes. The vulnerability of being honest about what you need and the audacity to actually ask for it is so hard for us. So I'm gonna ask you, if you are in a state of overwhelm right now, what is it that you need? Tune in to your own inner wisdom, ask yourself, what do I need? What do I actually need right now? Now the answer might be, I need help. I need to say no to this volunteer position. I need to tell this person that I'm not able to do the thing that I thought I was able to do. Those are, that's hard. That's hard because what we want to do is everything. What we want to be is a robot. What we want to think of ourselves as is superhuman. I don't have any limitations. I can do everything I want to do. And not only can I do everything I want to do, I can do everything that everyone else wants me to do too, right? Right. And we wonder why we're overwhelmed. We wonder why we're overwhelmed. Because we say yes, often impulsively, often to chase the dopamine, often to people please and make people happy with us. And do you know what's hard? Saying no. Saying no to ourselves. Saying no to other people. But this is a huge reason why we create overwhelm for ourselves in our schedule with other people at our jobs. Because we are a lot of you at your job are working outside of your job description. You're carrying more than is yours to carry. Maybe you are saying yes to volunteering. You're saying yes to things your kids want to do. But you know, like we don't have the time the money, the capacity to do this. But I don't want to tell them, no. So I say yes. And then I suffer. I suffer with overwhelm. So the O part of the stop method is all about being honest with yourself and other people. Now, if you suck at this, if you're like, I would never, I would never, I could never, I don't know my limits. I don't know how to set boundaries. I don't know how to tell someone know without spiraling and shame and rejection sensitivity. I don't know how to look an adult in the eye and say, like, I'm not able to do that for you. I feel like I'm going to get in trouble all of the time. If this is you, you need to come into focus. You need to use that half off code. You need to go through this course because I go into this extensively. And we have classes on boundaries and limits and how to interact as an adult. Because guess what adults get to say, no, adults do adults get to say no. And one of the biggest skills we have to learn is how to say no to ourselves. And this for me is my biggest pain point is saying no to myself. It's not necessarily saying no to others. I've actually developed that skill and gotten quite good at it. But saying no to myself in order to preserve my sanity and to stave off overwhelm. And saying no to myself, having those internal limits, those internal boundaries, the understanding of my capacity and how my fantasy of what my life should be and what I should be able to do doesn't actually match up with the reality of my capacity. Are you with me? Do you notice that for you, you have a fantasy version of how you should be, what you should be able to do, what should get done, what you should be able to volunteer for or say yes to the fantasy of that. And does it match up with the reality of who you actually are, what you can actually manage, what your nervous system can actually handle, what is actually costing you at the end of the day or the end of the week or the end of the month. So many of us are not tuned in to our own capacity to our own ability, like understanding of our ability to handle things. And remember, I said this at the beginning, overwhelm isn't a productivity problem. It's a mismatch. This is a hard word. It's a mismatch between what your ADHD brain and body can realistically carry. And what you believe you should be able to carry is a mismatch there. What you actually can carry and what you believe you should be able to carry. So in the start method, we're going to see what's happening, which is observation. We're going to take the pressure off, which is regulation. And we are going to open up to what you need from yourself and from others. That's the delegation support piece. What would it be like for you to say, no, what would it be like for you to cancel something? What would it be like for you to preemptively set a limit and say, you know what, I think that's actually going to induce overwhelm. So I'm going to say no to that. I don't think I can handle it. What would that be like for you? What a grown up thing to be able to do. What would it be like for you to be able to go to your partner and say, hey, I've been carrying this thing for our household. And I don't think I can carry it anymore. So are you willing to share the load or are we going to outsource this? Because I am no longer available to be the solution. Oh my gosh, I just got so fired up. Imagine being able to say to someone, I'm no longer available to be the solution for this. I've done that a lot relationally. And that has helped me quite a bit with my own overwhelm is saying to people, I can't be the solution to your relationship desires to your relationship requirements to your like, you want to be entertained. I can't be the solution to that. I'm just I'm no longer available to be the solution. I just can't. I won't. Okay. So open up to what you need. The last one. And this is the one that you've all been waiting for, right? Because you're like, we've always thought that the way that we solve overwhelm is to be productive. But this is the last step. Once you have seen what's happening, you've observed it, you've taken the pressure off, you've regulated, you've opened up to what you need, you've delegated and you've like elicited support. Last, lastly, we finally proceed one step at a time. This is the productivity piece finally, finally, this is the productivity piece. Proceed one step at a time. The reason why this comes last is because we already know that it doesn't work to try to be productive while we're feeling panic, urgent, chaotic. It doesn't work. We don't get anything done or we get the wrong things done or we get the right things done, but it takes us three times as long. So first, we have to observe, we have to regulate, we have to delegate, and then we can say, what is the most important thing? I absolutely love the book Essentialism. You've heard me talk about it many times on this podcast. I don't know if the author, Greg McEwan, is neurodivergent, but my good niss is it the perfect book for a neurodivergent person? And if you are struggling with this part, like, okay, if I only had to get one thing done, what would I do? I want you to read the book Essentialism. The audiobook is great. It is a very easy listen. I absolutely love his accent. I don't know where he's from, but I love his accent. It's a really, really wonderful listen. But in that book Essentialism, Greg McEwan makes the point that we live in a culture that pretends that everything is important, and it's not. We have to come to terms with the fact that everything is not important. As a matter of fact, only one or two or maybe three things are essential. That's it. That's it. So this morning, when I was completely overwhelmed, because at 8.35, I realized that I was actually supposed to leave the house in 25 minutes, which I did not do. I did not do. I left late, and that is whatever. It is what it is. But this morning, when I just felt this flood of overwhelm come through my body, and I was like, oh my gosh, and I started to shame spiral. And then I looked around my kitchen, and literally there was bacon frying in a pan. I was in the middle of so much chaos that were dishes all over the counter. I was like, in the middle about to eat my breakfast, it was just like there was so much happening. I literally went through these steps. I saw what happened. I was like, whoa, okay, wow. We just had a realization that threw us for a loop. This realization of like, I got to get out of the house and I need to leave now. Okay, I see what's happening. You're completely overwhelmed. And of course you are. And I brought in some self-compassion. You're going to be okay. We're going to get through this. I took the pressure off. Even though I was like, I do not have time to regulate. I know better. Logically, I know that I don't have time not to do it. I just don't. I know that I will waste my time if I don't regulate. And so I stood there in the middle of my kitchen with my pajamas and my hug slippers and my cozy robe. And I was like, all right, feel this feeling. Take some deep breaths. We're going to take the pressure off. Then I opened up to what I need. What do I need? I need to go fast. And I need to not worry about how my husband is going to feel when he walks into the kitchen in its amasse. That's what I needed. And then I was like, proceed one step at a time. I have got to finish the bacon because literally was in the middle of cooking, finish the bacon, eat my breakfast, take a shower. Those are my three essential things. Finish the bacon, eat my breakfast, take a shower. That's it. Dishes were, I'm talking amasse. Not essential. Sorry. Sorry to my husband. Sorry to my family. Dishes were not essential. I knew that I needed to finish the bacon, eat my breakfast, get in the shower. And that's what I did. I was productive in a way that helps me go toward my goal of getting out of the house as soon as possible. Did I get out at 9 AM? I did not. I did not. And that is okay. That is okay. Because here we are. I'm doing the thing. I'm here with you. And that is okay. So proceed one step at a time comes absolutely last. After we have already offered our self-compassion, we've regulated, we've delegated, and now I can make a decision moving forward. This is the stop method that I teach inside of focus. If you come and join us, you can have this course immediately. It is in the bonus section of our membership portal. It is yours immediately. You can use the code half off to join us. I hope you do. I hope you do. I hope that if you are someone who knows that you're not surrounded with support, that you give yourself the luxury of paying for support. And I know it is a luxury. I know it is. I am not someone that has the luxury of natural support other than my husband. I don't have family support. I don't have much community support. But I give myself permission to pay for support from a therapist, from a coach, so that I can function and I want to write you a permission slip and say, "You're allowed to do that too." I have edhd.com/focused, use the code half off to join us. And I hope that this podcast itself, in its own container, was super helpful in life changing for you. And I've got to tell you that this work is the work of our lives. This work is something that we have to practice over and over. And if you want to do that in community, come join focused. I cannot wait to talk to you next week. I will see you then. Bye-bye. A few years ago, I went looking for help. I wanted to find someone to teach me how to feel better about myself and to help me improve my organization, productivity, time management, emotional regulation. You know, all the things that we adults with edhd struggle with. They couldn't find anything. So I researched and I studied and I hired coaches and I figured it out. Then I created focused for you. Focus is my monthly coaching membership where I teach educated professional adults how to accept their edhd brain and hijack their ability to get stuff done. Hundreds of people from all over the world are already benefiting from this program and I'm confident that you will too. Go to I have edhd.com/focused for all details.