#41 Why You Should Never Forgive Him

Intro Hello and welcome back to another brand new episode of Be Smart, Play Dumb. Well teach you how to play the game of life because if you don't know how to play, ladies, you will get played. I forgive, but I don't forget. It's one of the dumbest things I've ever heard in my life. Because really, if somebody had the audacity to ever betray you and prove their lack of integrity and prove to you that you're worthless to them in their eyes, that they don't respect you, that they walk all over you, that they took advantage of you and most likely only had a connection with you or relationship in the 1st place to their own personal gain, that was purely transactional. If someone ever does that to you, why would you ever give them the privilege of forgiveness? Don't forgive and don't forget. You don't have the upper hand. You don't all of a sudden are playing the game smart here by revealing to them that you're forgiving them, but then adding quickly to it to save yourself and your dignity, you know? But I won't ever forget. I'll forever remember that, OK? Like, that is not very powerful to do. It's a very dumb move to make because the past, the best players in the game don't reveal their cards. You just revealed your cards by letting the other person of the hook verbally reaffirming to them that you don't care and you've forgiven them. But you took a mental note on you've, you won't forget, you know, just in case. Let's add that to it. They don't care. All they can hear is you've forgiven them. They think, oh, oh, OK, I can. I just got off the hook. I'm getting away with it. And it gives them power. It gives them ultimate power because they know damn well that you choose their presence, their existence, them taking up space in your life over yourself. You choose them over your own self respect, your own dignity, and your own self worth by still keeping them around. And if you listen to my podcasts and you watch my Tik Toks, or you might be my client and my coaching, or you're on Instagram, whatever it is, wherever you see my advice, if you actually follow my advice, you know what a blackhead would do after betrayal. There's only two options. Number one, she walks away. She doesn't even care. She doesn't even flinch because she knows inherently humans are selfish. Every single relationship a blackhead has with any person out there, she knows people are selfish and they gain something from that relationship with her. And she also knows she's in relationships with people. And I'm talking by the way, not only men and women right now on marriage or relationships romantically, but even Co workers, friends, colleagues, all of that stuff. She also knows she gets benefits from that relationship to that person too. So just to repeat myself here and make this very clear, every single relationship on this entire planet you have with other people benefit them and benefit you. So the conclusion is it's based on a transaction. And a transaction doesn't always mean that it's a financial gain or a sugar baby with her sugar daddy or whatever. It just means you get value from that person you have a relationship or connection with and they get value from you. And if you can realize this, it almost helps to detach from the outcome of that relationship. It helps you detach from this hope of clinging onto people and getting so attached to other people's opinion and judgement and people pleasing tendencies and all of these things because we're all just out here for ourselves. And it comes back from, you know, primal instincts to always look after yourself and then look after other people. Oh my God, it's so bad. How could you say this? Oh my God, this is such a toxic thing. We need to be connected. I always say I personally, I'm am detached from everything, but connected to everything. So the detachment helps you center yourself in life, focus on yourself in life. If you've built yourself, yourself worth your confidence, your purpose, everything that you are, while still then being connected and kind and expressing yourself with a beautiful moral compass and good intentions and integrity and nurture relationships, that's what life is about. But here's what people do. They are attached to everything. You might be attached to this guy, but then you pretend that you're detached and you act detached. You act cold, you act unbothered, you act like things don't get to you and nothing can shake you. But it's an act, OK? Inherently, you feel like you're playing a game here. This is why immediately when people message me this is a game, I'm like, OK, they haven't mastered the art yet of their self concept and understood themselves, understood the world. But anyway, it's a game you're playing because you're not believing it within yourself, because you know damn well that you value this person you're with, this other guy, your friends, your Co workers, every single person around you more than you value yourself. Because maybe you're bored, maybe you've been through some pain, maybe you don't spend enough time with yourself. Maybe you don't even know how to nurture the relationship with yourself, right? So all of a sudden you play so much importance on other people and you're attached to them, and then you listen to my advice, but you don't fully understand it or don't know how to put it into work, and then you act cold. So here's the solution to this. You are detached. You are, to a certain degree cold. You are unbothered. And I can only speak about myself because I fully embody everything I teach you. By the way, This is why I always, sometimes now start also giving you background information of where I've come from because I want to be walking testament to everything I say comes with receipts. OK, there's freaking proof here. So I am detached, unbothered, but I am kind. I am giving right to the right people. I am very happy, like to make jokes and laugh and be humorous with good friends and family and all of these things and people that I truly love and want in my life. But even with people that I have my love, that I sorry, even with people that I have in my life that I love. Everything I spoke about earlier with relationships, every single one you have being transactional, I apply that to them just as much. How to be transactional in relationships And if you understand that every single relationship is transactional, it almost protects you from if somebody does betray you because the betrayal then is just the stamp of confirmation basically that signs the deal that confirms. Or the person that betrayed me actually always was in a purely selfish transactional relationship with me. And now the actions proved it even further. But betrayal is obviously to me personally an absolute non negotiable because you can't ever really come back from that. It breaks relationships, it breaks families, it breaks friendships and it breaks people apart. You also need to understand it. 80% of the people who betray somebody in a relationship will do it again if given the chance. So what does if given the chance mean? Well, it means if you forgive. So what you should do instead? If somebody betrays you, you don't tell them that you forgive them. You don't tell them that you haven't forgotten. You don't forgive and you don't forget however, and you should walk away. However, I know that walking away from somebody that betrayed you or hurt you or caused you genuine mental distress, who revealed their lack of integrity to you and walking away from them is a privilege not all of us have. Because maybe it's a friend in a friendship group that is not just going to move away the next day, right? Or all of a sudden is eliminated from the friendship group. Or maybe it's a Co worker at your dream job that is out there with secret animosity trying to get you, trying to manipulate. You're trying to paint a bad picture and sabotage you in that way betrays you. Sometimes you don't have the privilege of just walking away and being unbothered about it, right? So I want to talk with you in today's episode, how to not be a victim after betrayal. How to not be a victim after betrayal How to gain the upper hand and leverage the situation. It's not only reflection of their lack of integrity, but also they think they can do it to you. They think even them planning to betray or them planning certain moves that are very calculated or sabotaging or or manipulative, right? I'm not only talking about relationships here with your men. I'm not talking about cheating or physical betrayal like your men having an affair. We can do that another time. And this is also why I always teach you to learn to read people, their micro expressions, their body language, their hidden message, the things they see say in between the lines when expressing themselves to you and when they're around you. The way they flinch when you tell them about the success you just had, The way they react when you share pain or hardships. Really pay attention to that because you can only be really betrayed if you feel blindsided. But a blackhead never feels blindsided because she collected enough evidence and information and took men to notes along the way in every single transactional relationship she has in life to protect herself. So she isn't even shocked when something happens, right? OK, so let's talk a little bit more about psychology, neuroscience here. I know I always say express episodes, but I really need to keep this an express episode because I have a meeting in literally 15 to 20 minutes. So let's see how we go. I want to talk with you about why betrayal happens #1 it's a impulse control issue #2 it's a lack of respect for your boundaries #3 it's opportunistic, which obviously opportunistic in the way it's selfish or beneficial to them and power plays right? Why betrayal happens So it's like manipulation, sabotage. And I touched on this earlier, but today I really want to talk with you about betrayal in general, almost as like an umbrella term with every single person you have in life that did betray you by sabotaging you, trying to be better than you, trying to take your job, trying to replace you. And if you do want to talk about cheating, even though you could use this advice today also for physical betrayal like cheating. But if you do want a whole full episode on cheating, please let me know in the comments because it's a whole different caliber. We have to go very deep. And I want to talk with you about what it looks like if he cheated once, if he does things online with other women, if he has an affair, what does it mean? What's his intentions? Is it a reflection of you? Is it a reflection of him? How can you deal with it? How can you get revenge? Do you need to seek revenge in the 1st place or can you just walk away? So please, please leave me comments below and we can do a whole episode on that as well. But you need to understand, betrayal in general is not ever a mistake. It's not ever an accident. It's not ever something that the betrayer all of a sudden through coincidence and through an accident and the wrong timing did to you. You cannot excuse it. This is what I mean by you need stronger either self belief, self worth, which also then comes a stronger boundaries because how can you forgive somebody like that doing that to you? How you're not offended, you know, and here's the thing. There's a difference between being heard and being offended. Any normal human that would have been exposed to some sort of betrayal would be heard. But you should feel offended how someone could ever possibly do this to you. So the focus is on you. When you feel offended, the focus is on them if you feel hurt, right? So just remember that betrayal is actually, and if done, a popular tick tock on this. Betrayal is a choice. A person putting themselves into certain rooms, into certain situations, into certain places. That could be you, man going out to the pub, getting shitface drunk, all of a sudden being super irresponsible. This girl comes along even though he's been married for years, and then he hooks up with her in the toilet or whatever. That's not an accident where he could then excuse it with he was too drunk because the betrayal started. And I need you to carefully listen to this. The betrayal started when he decided to put himself out there into that promiscuous nightclub pub. And you know, I'm talking here in general. It's not the cute little English pub around the corner where all the dads go that are responsible married men. I'm talking about him making the choice to go to this weird pub, nightclub, promiscuous thing here there in the 1st place, then making the choice to get shitface drunk even though he's got family or wife at home or girlfriend, right? Also very irresponsible. And we adults see it's not like you're 14 all of a sudden you lay in the grass because you drank too much vodka and you're waking up at 4:00 AM, the sun is rising. You're like, how the fuck did I get here? OK, we're old. We've lived enough on this planet to make experiences that shape us. And he would have learned by now that making the choice to put himself into these places, being irresponsible, it is a threat. It is a danger to the relationship he has to you, right? So then the choice, it started with the choice of going to this place, it leads to the choice of becoming irresponsible and super drunk. Then it leads to the choice of maybe smiling at this girl sitting at the bar. I'm obviously coming up with shit right now on the spot. But all of a sudden talking to her, all of a sudden feeling connected to her. He's horny, he's a man, she's hot, whatever. And then they hook up, right? These are all choices. And yeah, it's kind of like a chain of events and the actual betrayal of physical betrayal of him hooking up with her, even though that's like a split second. And that's kind of coming back down to the points that I made earlier. How does betrayal actually happen? How does betrayal actually happen? Well, it's the impulse control issue. All of a sudden, he's there, you know, they're talking. He's so aroused, really gross word by the way, Rouse like you, but he's like horny whatever. And it happens. He also forgets the boundaries. He forgets he's like a married man and it's a power plane. He's opportunistic and it serves him, not you and not your relationship. So he's right. And then and there it boils down to these thought points I just mentioned. Most importantly or most likely, the impulse control. But do you now understand that the betrayal started by him making selfish choices in the 1st place, right? That's why I will always say betrayal is not a mistake, it is a choice, which by the way, you, me, every single person on this planet has the ability to betray somebody. Of course, we know that, but also to be able to cheat because it comes back down to the choices you make. I hope it clicks. I hope you understand the difference here because when I say like we're all capable of cheating, I don't want to miscommunicate the message here. And I hope you understand that. I'm just explaining to you. We all are responsible for the choices we make. And when we have made a vow to another person and we are in a married commitment and we want to spend the rest of our life to with our partner, it is incredibly important and also speaks forms for your personality and character and integrity and moral compass to not expose ourselves to situations that can threaten the commitment we have to that person. That is something you owe to your partner. So the whole I forgive but don't forget I think has been literally designed to keep people easy and chill, but also very much vulnerable to manipulate further. Because think about it, you just give your power away when you forgive and especially when you verbally reaffirm it. You can't do that. You can't sit there and give away your power so freely. You don't have to seek revenge but you want to seek advantage. You should now after the betrayal change your mindset on them and basically label them as not to be trusted but may be used if beneficial to me because the person that betrayed you used you for their beneficial gain. So why can't you flip the script? So here's another scientific fact, by the way. The brain creates emotional bookmarks after betrayal, and ignoring them leads to repeat the cycles of pain. Here's an example for this, a woman who takes back a cheating partner. 70% chance of repeat offense within two years has been collected by the 2019 Psychology Today survey. OK, well, there you go. I'm not surprised. I'm not surprised because somebody crossing that boundary of trust and trust is an incredible important building block of any type of relationship or friendship. Somebody destroying that, you can't come back from that. So if somebody is being exposed or caught out, or you just see them betraying you or they tell you, here's what you're going to do. Step by step guide to move forward He's a step by step guide on how to move forward. So this is important and I need you to listen. I'm going to try keep it short #1 accept it immediately. You have to accept it. Don't react immediately. Do not spiral. Don't explain it away by sort of, you know, leading to conclusions and being overly investigative, asking all of these questions. But how did this come? And why would you do this to me? And how could you? Don't blame yourself either because if you have an emotional reaction, you look like the victim and you look like you're blaming yourself. You don't want to give the person that betrayed you that privilege because they are not the victim. How do you say they're the enemy right now, right? And they're lesser than you, telling you that they betrayed you. They're lesser than you, you above them. But if you cry and you spiral and you try to make it a conversation and you ask all of these questions, you look lesser than. Now you have to take mental notes, try to figure out, and they usually will tell you this. The more quiet you become, the more they will talk, because your silence cannot really be analyzed or interpreted. They cannot read your next move, and you throw them off a little bit too, because it's also like a compliment to men. When you react emotional to men, it means that you're emotionally connected to them, It means that you're attached, it means you're affected and it's boosting their ego. So if all of a sudden you become quiet, they cannot read you and they're a little bit disappointed that you don't actually care. Now all of a sudden you flip the script and you have the upper hand. So by not saying much and handling your emotions, they will more and more reveal what they did. They would try talk their way out of it. They would try and they will most certainly, and I can guarantee you this, they will reveal more information to you that you can use later on to leverage or use against them. So say less and listen more and then pay attention to a few dot points. How did they betray you? What's what happened there? How does this speak about their character and the relationship to you? If it's a friend that lied to you once, that's maybe not as bad as your husband running away with his secretary, right? There's a difference. So you need to understand where did this betrayal come from? What was their intention here? And what leverage do you now hold? Like I said earlier, you can't always walk away from people who betrayed you because we don't have that privilege or that safety or the money, right? So you can't cut them off if it's the father of your child that's still paying the mortgage of child support, if it's a work contact because you love your dream job but there's just shitty people there. Or maybe if it's family, you need to have a strategy now because they're going to be in your life maybe for the rest of your days, and they're obviously evil or at least had evil intentions, or at least just love themselves a little bit more than they love you and took advantage of you. So you want to maintain a surface level? I'm trying to look for the right word interaction. Maintain a surface level sort of connection that you can still keep them around. You can still somewhat interact without being overly emotional or without being overly invested into them. But you can still interact and honestly play so dumb. If you have to meet the father of your child, that is your ex-husband that betrayed and he's a horrible guy, but you still need to unfortunately interact with him, be so normal and neutral, almost like the fly on the wall that he wouldn't even really notice. You want to have this energy about you that doesn't stand out. You want to have this emotional regulation about you that's almost boring a little bit. That's what you want, because anything that is revealing to them that you still care, like being rude or giving silent treatment or being aggressive or whatever, it only gives them more power. The more normal, here's the word, the more neutral you are, the better. And then when you interact in a very boring neutral sort of situation by having small talk, talk about the dumbest, most unnecessary things like the weather, you know, trying to just kill time, ask them questions without being overly invested into them, just superficial dumb ass stuff. You're not interested in them as a person. Keeping it very neutral while still being able to maintain that surface level connection because you can't eliminate them out of your life. And by the way, if you're not able to regulate like this emotionally and be that neutral, the other person knows that this betrayal is still festering in you. So as long as you interact and you have any other sort of emotional projection onto them, even when you're overly friendly, overly nice, that also communicates you're still emotionally attached or fact that you're trying to soothe things. If you're not able to do that, this betrayal wound will be carried on for the rest of your life or the rest of that connection you have of that person, as long as that person is in your life. So the more neutral you keep it, the more power you have. So now all of a sudden you can observe them like a game piece, not a person. You need to observe them like a persona that benefits you and you never let them back inside you in a circle. You never ever share private things or feelings or plans or anything about your emotions or anything about things you respect and you value and you love about your life. Because the Blackhead stays unpredictable and never lets her enemy see her go through pain. If you suffer, if you are affected by the betrayal, you go home. You go see a therapist, you cry your heart out with people that you can genuinely trust. Last but not least, the power move. The Power Move Becoming untouchable. I need you to shift your mindset after a betrayal happened to you, because every betrayal is actually an opportunity to rise above and become sharper. You control your reactions, you control your excess, you control your resources. And you learn to move in silence while plotting your next move, while plotting your next win. And honestly, let your success be the biggest, biggest consequence, but also revenge of their betrayal. You need to think like this. You betrayed me. Good, now I know who you are. Watch me win without you. Watch me level up. Watch me have the glow up of a lifetime. Because the biggest and best revenge or consequence to betrayal is also them not being around you anymore. Them not having control over you, them not having access to you because you don't forgive and you don't forget. You keep notes and play the game in the long run. This is another thing I quickly want to add before heading off. A lot of people, when they react emotionally, it serves their ego in the heat of the moment, of course, but they lose in the long run because they've given the power away. And then they either book a call with me or they message me. They stayed at night in the shower. And I think, why the fuck did I do this? Why did I say this? Why did I send this paragraph? Why did Ali shout? Why did I look like an idiot screaming my head off? And the reason they regret what they did is because now they're regulated. Now they're in control of their emotions once the situation have passed. And then they look back and I think, oh shit, that wasn't even me in that moment. And I sabotage the whole situation. And now I actually, you know, look off worse. I stand there like an idiot and I don't know my next move now. And This is why it's so important to keep quiet, collect mental information, take mental notes and play the long game. You need to plan the long run. You need to be calculated right and understand how you can use betrayal to your advantage by leveling up, by becoming better, by just proving to them that they missed out. And this is also very good tip if we're speaking about a person betraying you who is still in your life right? Like your ex-husband still having to pay for the Child Support or you're really shitty Co worker or even family members right? Even I hear this from so many people because of course people that come to me usually I would say oh 6070% of the time have made an anxious attachment. But that also comes from father wounds and mother wounds. It all comes back down to our childhood girls honestly. It all comes back down to the relationships we had in early stages of our lives that taught us how relationships should be. And if we had a shit shitty relationship with our family or parents or caretakers, we never felt self around them. We always had to be anxious and it felt just not secure. Then of course you don't later on have a secure attachment. And so a lot of clients actually tell me that they feel very much betrayed by even their own mother, by their own father, by their sister. You would be surprised. I know a lot of times when you go through shit in life, you think you're the only person, but I work with so many of you one-on-one. Trust me, I've heard it all, I've seen it all. I'm not even surprised anymore when I hear certain things because I'm just like, oh, another one. Because honestly, we all just human at the end of the day. We go through the same experiences, maybe on different levels, different situations, but we feel the exact same emotions. And so many women have been through betrayal by their parents. And now back to my point of saying, you need to understand how to play the long game in the long run because family will forever be there even if you cut them off. And at some point you become a mother and then maybe your children want to get to know their grandparents or whatever it is. Like you can't ever fully avoid family unless you genuinely cut them off, no contact and you move to the other side of the world and nobody knows you. You have a new identity and you just get away from them, right? Like I'm guess there is a chance to do so, but what I'm trying to explain is with family by them betraying you or attacking you or hurting you if you don't immediately react. You can also plan a calculated game plan to actually have the upper hand and leverage it. Now today I feel like maybe we need to do a second part about this because I feel today and we already saw long in and I really have to run now. We only spoke about the mechanisms of foundation and betrayal sort of in general, right? And like what to do, but I haven't given you many in person examples. If you do want more in person examples, how to actually react to somebody confessing to you that they betrayed you, What to say? Like more in depth advice or yeah, just human examples. Leave me a comment below as well. And I do a Part 2 if you want to go a little bit more into depth regarding the topic of physical betrayal and cheating and affairs and romantic relationships. Maybe we can even merge the two together. So leave me comments below and I have to run. I'm sorry. I love you all so much. This was so much fun. I always love talking to you. Next episode will be dropping this week Thursday and I'll talk to you then. Enjoy the rest of your week.