4 Leadership Communication Skills and an Essential Mindset that Turn Conflict Into Collaboration

In this episode, you'll get four specific ways to reduce toxic workplace conflict and transform meaningful disagreements into collaboration. Welcome to leadership without losing your soul, a podcast helping human-centered leaders master communication to accelerate your team's performance, reduce stress, and build a career with the respect and influence you deserve. I'm your host David Die, president of Let's Grow Leaders. Welcome to the show. Today, you're going to get specific tools to help with workplace conflict. Specifically, you'll get a mindset shift and four dimensions that will help you have more influence, help your team work more productively, and ultimately help you enjoy your work. And as we talk about these conversations, there are two types of conversations that we need to have here. The first of these is a conversation with yourself. And for me, when I think of this conversation that you need to have with yourself, I go back to very early in my career, and I had a situation where I had a CEO who was planning a major marketing event, and I felt that the event lacked integrity. And I was upset. I lost sleep over it. I was wondering, how could my CEO hack that way? It not at me. My stomach churned. I was so frustrated. And at first, I did not say anything because, you know, he was the CEO, right? But I reached a point after three nights of not sleeping very well. I couldn't take it anymore. The conflict in my head was causing me so much grief. I had to do something. And I wasn't elegant. I didn't use any of the tools I'm going to share with you today. What I did, I do not recommend. But I just popped my cork. I just I couldn't take it. I was sleepless. And I said, listen, I don't like this. I can't be a part of this. I think this lacks integrity. And what do you think happened next? Well, in all of my imagined conversations and you might relate to this, I imagine the worst possible outcomes. When we avoid conflict, it's often because you're focused on the potential destructive possibilities. And he could have said, you're fired. He could have said, you don't like it. There's the door. He could have said, tough. Get with the program. He could have said a lot of those things, but that's not what he said. What he said was, and I've learned so much from this. It was an important moment for me in setting the stage for this conversation with yourself. He said, David, I see it differently. And I don't think at all that there was an integrity problem, but I don't want you to do anything that's out of conscience for you. And then he asked me a question I should have thought about from the beginning. He said, so what can we do that would make the event feel in integrity for you? And I thought about it. And it took me like 5, 10 seconds. It didn't take long at all. I said, well, here's my idea. And it was an easy fix. It would help him achieve his marketing goals. And I would feel that we were in total integrity. So I made my suggestion. And he said, great. Let's do that. The event went, well, I had peace of mind. And I even got a reputation as a values based leader. So I share that story with you as we're talking about workplace conflict. And this conversation with ourselves is because what he taught me in that moment is that when you speak up about something that's bothering you, it's not destructive. You're giving everyone else in yourself a chance to learn, to grow, to respond. I could learn from him why he didn't see it as an integrity issue. I may not agree, but I can at least learn his perspective and see things in a slightly different way. And it gave him a chance to make a different choice or to engage me in finding another solution, which is what he did. And if I hadn't said anything, none of that could have happened, which is why I say that in these kinds of moments, silence is selfish because it steals everyone's opportunity to be better, including yours. So when we're talking about workplace conflict, the very first conversation, this is a mindset shift, it's one that you have to have, not with anybody else, it's with yourself. What do you want to happen because of what you say? And that's a phrase that you can ask yourself, what do I want to happen because of what I say? Get clear on your intentions. Consider what you want for the other person or the team or the situation. What do you want people to think, feel or do? What do you hope you can learn as a result of the conversation? Why does what you have to say matter? You can ask this of yourself, why does what I have to say matter? It does. Why is it? And here's one of my favorite of these kinds of examples. And when we're talking about workplace conflict, we include this one in our book, Powerful phrases for dealing with workplace conflict. Finding the confidence to speak up, asking yourself what's at stake if I stay silent. This one comes from Martin Sheen. He shared this old Irish tale that he thinks about when he emphasizes that standing up for what you believe comes at a cost, but that it's worth it. So this man arrives at the gates of heaven, asks to be let in. And St. Peter says, "Of course, just show us your scars." And the man says, "Well, I have no scars." And St. Peter replies, "What a pity there was nothing worth fighting for." When you're nervous about starting a conversation, take a look at the long view. Are you the kind of person who cares enough to try to give others and yourself a chance to grow, to learn, to make a different, better decision? And one more thing, as you're having all those imaginary conversations in your head, I want you to, as you're thinking about how you might gain the courage to have these conversations to begin with, what's the worst that can happen here? And to genuinely seriously examine that, it's strangely empowering. One of our clients and a past guest on the show is a US Marine veteran, and the way that he says it is, "Well, I get too stressed about a workplace conflict. I just remember no one's shooting at me." And the worst that can happen is usually nowhere near as bad as your imagination might suggest. And the final element here is you're thinking about the conversation with yourself is don't have a ton of these imaginary conversations. Our minds just tend to go to the worst places, and they're often not true, especially if we use some of the skills I'm sharing with you here in this episode. So there are a couple of specific phrases you can use to open the door for yourself to get the confidence to have the conversation. That's so important. You've got to get there yourself before you try to engage everyone else. Okay, you've got the courage to have the conversation. Now, let's dive into these four dimensions that are both a foundation for constructive conflict, collaborative decision-making conversations, but there are also four ways or four dimensions that you can invest in that will help prevent some of the more toxic or destructive conflict and they all begin with the letter C. So the first dimension of constructive conflict or collaboration is connection. Do we know one another as human beings? Next, clarity. Do we have a shared understanding of success? Number three, curiosity. Are we genuinely interested in other's perspectives and what's possible? And finally, number four, commitment. And this is not just an act of willpower. Like, oh, we're so committed. We're talking about, do we have a clear agreement that we're following through on? These four dimensions are the foundation of every conversation, everything that's happening with your team. And so I want to take some time to unpack these and think about how they work in your work and your leadership. And in any of the conflicts and collaboration opportunities that you're a part of. So let's start with connection. Every workplace conflict. One thing I can guarantee, it involves another person or people. And every conflict gets easier. The more you know and understand one another. The more you understand one another's perspectives, the more you see one another as human beings. So let's imagine that you're in a clash with a coworker. Let's say their name is Joe. And you come together to talk about it. And Joe opens the conversation with a phrase like, hey, I really care about you and this project. I'm confident we can find a solution we can all work with. Well, if Joe's basically a good guy got you out of a bind last year when your little girl was sick and oh yeah, just last week he told you your boss that you're a rock star at spreadsheets and pivot tables. That was nice of him, right? Well, that's a solid way for Joe to start the conversation. You probably think, well, yeah, I'm frustrated, but you know, thinking about it, Joe always seems fair and okay, let me listen to what he has to say. I'll bet we can work this out. Now, imagine that same conflict different Joe. This Joe recently threw you under the bus to credit for your work. And oh yeah, last week he laughed at your idea during the staff meeting in front of your boss and all your colleagues. Now, if Joe starts the conversation the same way by saying, hey, I really care about you in this project, you might think nice try Joe. No way. I don't trust you. That's the power of connection. So it's easy to see connection when we're thinking about it from our perspective, how connected we are to other people. Well, the more connection you can build before you need it, the easier conflict becomes. And yeah, for a lot of folks, connection can feel really challenging when we talk about building trust in our programs. It's one of the the items that people bring up as a continual struggle. Whether that's time zone issues, remote work, hybrid work, just the busyness of work, being in different locations, even in the same building. These are all real challenges, but one of the most important things you can do as a leader is to help build the connection. Not just with yourself, but for everyone, all of the folks that you work with, or your colleagues, or your team members, you'd them and them to one another. And it doesn't have to take these big, involved team building events and everything else. It'll be five minutes, five minutes at the start of any team meeting, five minutes at the start of any kind of engagement or problem solving or project discussion. Something that helps us to connect to one another. And I throw in here to the synergy stack, which I mentioned in the previous episode. If you haven't checked that out, give it a look. Great way to in a real productively focused approach. It's a very content driven, it's not just random team building to help connect with one another. And while we're talking about connection, don't forget connection with yourself. You want to know your own values, your goals, what you need and what you want. So, I encourage you to make sure you're connected to yourself and facilitate connection with one another, with your team with each other, and with your team with the people outside of your team as well. All right, so the first dimension is connection. Number two, clarity. Something that obviously we talk a lot about on this show is the role of clarity at work. And if you think about any significant conflict that you've had now or in the past, I can almost guarantee the source of that conflict comes down to some kind of expectations violations. You thought they're going to clean up the coffee mugs after the meeting. They thought the magic coffee fairy would take care of it. So everyone carries these expectations of one another around in their head. Sometimes you don't even know you have an expectation until someone doesn't live up to it. So the second dimension of constructive conflict in collaboration is to get on the same page, create clarity about outcomes and expectations. And you'll know this is lacking if you see something that happens like this. It's very common. You get conversations that look like Jack says, I don't like this. And Jill says, okay, what would you like to see happen? Jack says, I don't know. I'm not sure what I want. Can you feel the frustration? That's a conversation that can't go anywhere. And before you feel bad, when you show up like Jack, I mean, listen, we all do. You're not the only one I certainly do. So you got to start by getting clear for yourself. That's the first place again, investing in clarity, get clear for yourself, and then help other people find their clarity. Now you can have a more productive conflict conversation. Today, I just want you thinking about these four dimensions in this episode. And as you're thinking, as I'm going through them, we talked about connection, we talked about clarity, and then get to the next two as well, want you to think about your team. If you had to choose one of these to invest in, which one would make the biggest difference? All right, the third dimension, curiosity, are we genuinely interested in other's perspectives and what's possible? This is one of the fastest ways to get to the root cause of workplace conflict is to show up genuinely curious about the other person's perspective. When you have sincere curiosity, it helps people feel seen. And it gives you a better understanding of what it will take to actually solve the problem. This is often the hardest part of conflict because you have your point of view for a reason. And most of us, that's what right looks like and feels like. And it's hard to be curious when you're feeling angry or disrespected. But, and this is a cool thing about curiosity, it's that when you ask a good question, you're coming from genuine curiosity, it can automatically start to pull you out of the reactivity that comes with your anger or frustration. It's hard to be furious and curious at the same time. I know sometimes you might think, Oh, I'm curious. All right, I want to know what's wrong with them. How can they be so flipping stupid? And yeah, those are your curious questions, but they're extensions of your frustration. They're not going to help you understand the other person's point of view. So you're looking for questions that increase understanding that help you build on someone else's ideas, questions with answers that make you say, Huh, never thought of it that way. So right now, invites you to be thinking about curiosity. Are you investing in curiosity with your colleagues, with your peers, with your team, with your boss before there's any conflict? And then especially when you're in the middle of a conflict conversation, how can you get curious? Okay, we've covered three dimensions of productive conflict and collaboration here so far. Started with connection, then clarity, curiosity, and finally number four commitment. This is one that just devils people who really do invest in conflict conversations and they're trying their best, but without commitment, without a clear agreement. One of the most frustrating aspects of workplace conflict conversations is they seem like they never end. Just keep going around and around in circles. You connect, you get curious, you build on one of those connections, your conversations, they have to produce action or nothing changes. And if nothing changes, it's actually worse than if you never had a conversation because now you've wasted time. You're trusting one another, erodes, it drips away, people start to lose hope. Commitment is the answer if that's what you're struggling with. It's the key to move from words to actions. So there's two keys to a useful commitment while we're talking about commitment here. The first is to get specific. You need specific actions with specific owners and specific finish lines. The second after that specificity, the second key to effective commitment is to schedule a time to review the commitment. If you're listening to the show for a while, we call that scheduling the finish. So one quick example before we wrap up today, let's say you've got a peer that you rely on for data. We'll call him Don and the two of you are in conflict because Don's not giving you the reports you need for your team to do their job. You so you have a friendly conversation and you also recognize that Don's teams drowning and they're getting pinged by your team constantly, she's like, okay, we got to work this out. So let's say that you decide you have a conversation, you say, okay, your team will request the data once a week, say Tuesday's at noon. Well, that's good so far, but it's not a commitment. You still need specific actions, specific owners and specific finish lines with a specific time to review your commitment. So here's what that might look like. You build the following agreement in your conversation. You say, okay, this Friday, I'll explain the new processor. You you'll explain the new process to your team. Your team members will get data requests to Don's team by 3 p.m. on Tuesdays. Then Don says, all right, I'll explain the new process to my team at our meeting tomorrow morning. Don's team will supply the data that you've asked for on Wednesdays by noon and you and Don will meet in two weeks on Monday at 430 to see how it's going. That kind of specificity makes it clear what everyone will do. Now you have the ability to actually follow through. You haven't just left it up to good intentions. And that follow-up meeting makes it more likely that you're both going to keep the commitment and it gives you a time to deal with any of the challenges or curveballs that can come along and disrupt your plan. All right, so that's commitment. You want it to be specific and you need that follow-up to review what happened. So those are the four dimensions of effective constructive conflict, connection, clarity, curiosity, and commitment. The more you invest in those four before you have any kind of conflict, the easier the conflicts become to resolve. And when you're in the middle of a conflict conversation, it's almost always due to one or more of those being weak or violated in some way. So if you can focus on whichever one or two of those dimensions needs the most attention right now. Think about it. Examine your team, your interactions, or wherever the conflict's happening. Which of those dimensions is that stake? Resolving those conflicts is going to become easier. You'll de-escalate some of the volatility of them and you'll find your way to collaboration and creative problem solving much, much faster. And of course, we started with building the confidence, having that conversation with yourself to actually have the conversations you need to have. So now you know why you need to have them. You're ready to have them and you know where to focus to improve them. And listen, these leadership and team conversations, any kind of tough word conversations, workplace conflict, they're not easy. And that's why we have put together the entire leader's guide to powerful phrases that you and your team can use to navigate all these kinds of conversations at work. It will help you reduce stress, improve morale productivity, and it's yours free because you listen to the show. Go to letscrewleaders.com/podcast and download it today. And if you enjoyed this episode, make sure you subscribe so you don't miss any of these practical communication skills to help you accelerate your team's performance, reduce stress, and build a career with the respect and influence you deserve. Thanks as always to our producer and sound engineer, Brooke Bradford, a sheep in space digital business services, and Laura at Brock Marketing for the work on this episode. Until next time, I'm your host, David Dye reminding you to be the leader you want your boss to be. 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