34 | How to Be Truly Heard with Pauline Amelinckx

You're actually the one, two, three, the fourth beauty queen that I've brought into the show. At least have me in the top five, that's right. No, it's because one of the things that I noticed is that you guys really put in a lot of effort in preparing for competition, for a show, or a pageant, whatever it is. And people think that it's just about all about beauty. Obviously, the ones that stand out are the ones who are super well-rounded, which you are. All things get in. Yeah. And the thing is, I'm sure a lot of people, a lot of people, they already know who you are when it comes to pageantry. But I'd like to go beyond that. Okay. All right. So beyond the titles, beyond pageantry, how do you see yourself today and what's something that people tend to misunderstand about you? Well, you're starting with such a deep question. People that get go, it's very existential that question. But honestly, now, I think I can look at myself and say that I'm a very hard-working woman that's just trying to find meaning and purpose in the little things that she does in life, trying to work on my own imperfections, like procrastination, for example, one of the imperfections that I'm struggling with now, which stands in the way of my own podcast. Which we will be talking about a bit later. Which we will be talking about, yes. But that's basically it. I'm just someone that's trying to work really hard to be able to create a life for myself. And by creating a good life for myself, I know I'll be able to bring in my parents and that as well. My partner in the future too. Family in the future as well. So that's a lot of the normal things that people from left and right also experience, like I experience as well. Pain taxes. Yeah, you're truly adulting. When you say taxes, yep, good job. You're in the world right now. Thank you very much. It's been a very tough welcome in the adult world, my goodness. And it's actually, it still needs to dawn on me that I'm 30. Yeah, it still needs to dawn on me. Like a part of me still feels like I'm 23 and I'm like, you're happy looking here. You'll pass a swim. Well, thank you. But a lot of people now look at me and they're like, "Oh, at the tea time, like what?" But yeah, so I'm still trying to figure it out. Actually, that's interesting to me because I, out of course, maybe it's different than, guess it, my perspective is different as a guy. I'm like, I like the fact that I'm almost 40. You like the fact that you're almost 40. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Why is that? I mean, what's behind that? But I think one of the things that, at least me specifically, I'm not going to speak for other guys, right? When I was younger, trying to come up in the world, right? Trying to be, because I've been a communication, let's say, specialist, but now I do say that I'm a communication expert now. I've been a professional communicator. Okay. There you go. For a good 14, 15 years. Yeah, sure enough, we've heard your voice over the radio a couple of times. Yeah, pretty much. Pretty much. It's like, it's like next hour and night. Even the clients are like, you know, him again. He's already the, but so I've been doing that for a long time, but pretty much when it comes to, I always wanted to do business. But at the same time, I had the allure of the corporate world, you know, climbing corporate ladder. It's something that I was so curious about because my dad was, and still is a consultant for big companies, right? Digital marketing consultant right now. And then he would bring me along to these big conferences, to these big people. These, he would introduce me to billionaires. And I'm like, oh, I understand. Right. But I was young, so I was like mid-20s. No one respects mid-20s. Okay, I understand that. Like there's a certain respect from experience that comes with age that a lot of times is not actually given to people that are fresh from school, for example. Her ret. Her ret. So it's like, oh, they're not, so I had this, this belief system like, oh, they don't take me seriously because I'm too young. There's that factor of I'm too young, I'm too young, I'm too young. And then before I know it, man, I'm 35. That was years ago, like now on 38, 38 right now. It's like, and when I go to the gym, these young guys who work out with me is like, before they get to know who I am, they're like, bro, we're hoping I'm gonna, it's like 22-23 year old, lifting all these heavyweights. I'm like, oh, I'm good. Yeah, I'm good. I'm just doing moves. I mean, like maybe 15, maybe 12 years ago, yes, but no, no, no. And then when they, when they find out, oh my god, you're almost 40. Oh, you, you are, you are, you are, you are, you are, you are, okay, so you know, go, seven, it's like, I'm, but I kind of like it because they actually, you know, I guess my physical goal right now is, I'm fine that I'm almost 40, as long as people still think that I'll pass as a 30. Right, which is that's what's been happening. And yeah, I think I digress, but. That's, that's, that's, that's, that's my story. But going back to what you said earlier about not getting respected as much because you're younger, I actually sometimes get that because, oh, when people actually find out I'm a beauty queen. Yeah, it's the same thing, right? Yeah. Like it, not, regardless of age in this case, sometimes they already have this judgment or prejudice towards not just me, but other people that when they find, when they think that or when they find out that this particular woman is a beauty queen. It's a stereotype. Suddenly, suddenly the stereotype sinks in and they think, oh, she's maybe not smart. Maybe she's not good at communicating. Oh, she's just pretty. Oh, she just is someone that's superficial. When in a lot of cases, in most cases, especially now in, in contemporary pageantry, beauty queens are not just faces. Correct. Like they, we do put in so much effort to be able to perform on stage for that one night. Yes, but it's months, if not years of prior preparation as well. Have you seen the evolution with regards to beauty queens throughout the years, at least here in the Philippines? Because, because I mean, as far as I'm concerned, I'm so impressed with how much, how well-rounded beauty queens in the Philippines today are, at least in the high level, right? What's your observation? Oh, I can definitely say that I've seen an evolution and it's an evolution that has maybe taken a long time to get there, but at some point, maybe like in starting the mid-20, tense to 2020, for example, like maybe around 2012 or 2015, you already see that a lot of women are looking at pageantry as a platform for advocacy and for speaking up about certain concerns issue by bringing in actual stories behind the women that are on that stage. They're not just sharing their faces or their beauty, which of course is a gift and if you can hone that gift and use it for something good, then that's awesome. But then they also take it upon themselves. We take it upon themselves. So, also bringing the story that drives us to be on that stage. And there's a story for each and every girl and it's not just their story, but it's also their advocacy, whether that's marine conservation, whether it's HIV awareness. They all have a certain experience in their life that relates to that advocacy. And it powers them through to bring that to a bigger stage. And the thing is, I for sure when girls enter the pageantry world to compete, hoping to compete at the national level and then represent the country internationally, everyone will have this advocacy. Yes, I understand you're saying that probably most or almost all of them, they have that experience. I do know some that they just take it on and then they want to, then maybe what do you call this? They develop that love for that advocacy. But the way I see it is like, regardless of what your advocacy is, if you're not well versed in being able to communicate that advocacy. That is so true. It becomes like, what a dog of it. It gets lost in transmission. That's so true, which is why communication is such an important aspect of being a beauty queen as well. Which is why you get not just personality development, but for a lot of training camps, you also get then Q&A training. Yeah. Because it's even more challenging for beauty queens because you get a time limit. Which is usually how long? Usually 30 seconds. I mean, 30 seconds is what we train with usually. If they're giving you 45 and you've trained with 30 seconds at least, you can save one or two sentences more if you feel like it. But we usually always train you 30 seconds. And that is so challenging to be able to say something sensible that has thought behind it, that has emotions and feeling and personal experiences behind it, all within that time frame that's given to you. What is the pressure? Can you describe to us the feeling of the pressure of having to deliver whatever your message is at that particular moment with a spotlight? - I'm going to go back to previous traumas. (laughing) Well, because it's bad. I mean, for me at least, there was a, I'm such a perfectionist and I don't know where this is coming from because I'm an only child. I have never had to compete with like siblings. - Interesting, okay. - And it was, I think really just being competitive towards myself, but also being brought up in a household where it was also praised to get good grades and everything. So it was, it just added pressure on myself. And to such a point that even for my Q&A trainings when I was, when I was still competing and I've had Q&A trainings for like a good decade of my life because I've been in pageant for a decade of my life. But even going towards Q&A trainings where we're supposed to answer along with the other girls in your batch. So it's not just the one on one. It's like a group training, which is great. But then I would find any excuse to not show up. - You? - I would be so scared of my thoughts not being good enough. - Okay. - Of my feelings maybe not being validated by others. Even, and now I understand that it's never about outside validations. You validating that for yourself. But 20-year-old me, naive 20-year-old me, didn't know that or didn't realize that yet. So that was so, that was a very big part of the pressure even just at the trainings. And at the trainings, it's like more like a safe spot. But now, especially with modern pageantry, where everything can be digitized and put on the internet for God knows how long. - Yeah, you have no idea who's got what phone is up there. - Any and everyone will see. And any and every one will now have the platform to also air out their comments, whether they be positive or negative. And the thing is, you never focus on the positive comments. It's always a negative one. So that linger in your mind if you do happen to come across them. But, and I think that's also one of the things that makes the pressure so great now, as compared to before, where pageantry wasn't seen online. Because you can only watch the pageant when you're actually there in the arena. That's the only time. So it maybe it's just that contained 10,000 or 100,000 people that can see it in that moment. And then maybe years later, you get like a digital copy of it online. But now, in an instant, you can see what's happening on that stage across the ocean and the other side of the world. - And these are comments that are coming from people who have no idea what they're talking about. - Sometimes. - Yeah, most of the time. - Most of the time. - I'm not gonna say that no one, or that everyone has no idea what actually goes beyond or behind in pageant scene. But a lot of the times, people that voice out their comments, probably maybe have never been in a similar experience. Because if they have been, they would have injected a lot more kindness in their poster and-- - It's that empathy thing. - Yeah. - One of the things that I would say to people when it comes to, I guess, expectations or conversing with people is like, like for example, we do coaching. We do one-on-one coaching, the clients. And I think I was just telling Luis this yesterday, one of the things that I would say or that would always play in my mind when I'm conversing with a coachy is like, when they say something, my automatic response is, oh, wow, really? What do you think so? Tell me more. - Yes. - And what makes you feel that way? And this is, I feel like this is a superpower that very few people have, which is to not try and look at it based on your lens. - And a person's individual lens. And I was trying to find out, I've been trying to find out, why is it that people want to solve something immediately? - That's exactly it. I was going to say because sometimes, and we meet up with all the best. And I admit I used to be like that as well. Like someone comes with me, comes to me with a problem or something that they're going through. And then immediately, the, if we're going with me, what's the, once you go find a solution, you can do this, that, and that. Here's option A, B, and C. When at the end of it, they just want to be listened to. - There you go. And that's the main principle when it comes to coaching. And if there are coaches here, here's some probably useful advice. (laughing) - Absolutely. - Hopefully it's going to bump up your business. (laughing) But the thing about coaching is, yes, they pay you for them to get to a better version of themselves. But more than, and more than the advice that we have as coaches to give them, like to say, the journey of them being able to say the problem and understand where it's coming from, is actually majority of the solution. - Yep. - Right? And most people don't have that, because they just want to, "Ah, I want to do this, but I don't want to tap in." Because if I tap into what's really inside, then I'm going to probably cry. (laughing) - That's true. And it actually happens a lot in Q&A trainings and personality development as well, especially in when you're training for badges. I've had it so many times myself, where I end up crying, because I'm a question, not really forces me, but kind of moves me to tap into previous experiences that maybe I've brushed off, or traumatic events in my life that I've tried to hide in the corners of my mind. And because I want to be able to answer the question, I need to tap into that, or because I want to become a more effective communicator, I need to be able to have gone through, or processed through those emotions and feelings before I talk to it about someone else, or before I give advice. - How did you come to that conclusion that you have to tap into those things, to be able to give the best answer? - Because it's part of being able to tell and share your story. I think more, at least for BD Queens, it's more than just what you bring to the stage on that coronation night, that one performance. If you're able to share the story that has moved you, to be there, if you'll be able to share part of the story that has shaped you to be the version that they see on that stage. I think makes you even more relatable or memorable. - Did anyone teach you that? - Good question. I think that's a lot of self-reflection. (laughs) I think that's a lot of self-reflection, because a lot of people say, "It's good if you're relatable," but then you gotta think further, like what makes you relatable? And not a lot of people will be able to relate to a beautiful woman on stage that's doing great turns in your heels. That's an awesome skill. I don't mind you being able to turn your heels, but not a lot of us will be able to relate to her if we don't really know the story behind her. And if you're able to share your story, even the painful, sometimes ugly parts of it, I think a lot of people that have gone through it, same can say, "Oh, she went through something similar, she was able to overcome it, and she's now shining on this stage." Like, I kinda like this. I kinda relate to her. I wanna support her. I wanna know what her journey is like. - That's interesting to me, because in my observation, that's not common in your, I mean, I'm not in pageantry, but by, I'm not in pageantry, but I've been observing pageant. Actually, more than 10 years ago, we would even train beauty queens. The ones after Pia, right? So because I was a facilitator in an organization that actually teach the winners of the Philippines, right? - Teach the winners. - So when they're about to compete? - Yeah, Nanalimah Selat. They're gonna go to a world, they're gonna go to, so we would train them. - And they're gonna compete again, like, they'll represent the country. - Yes, they're already the Philippine representatives. And one of the things that I observe the most is that, ah, the winners are usually the ones who know that, regardless if they were taught or not, but because when I watch pageants, local pageants, there's this tendency for women, sorry, for those who are competing, to probably copy how the ones who were successful before them. - Right. - Right? But when you copy-- - Kinda like a blueprint. - Yeah. - Yes. - Well, blueprint is okay, but to have to copy the feelings, trying to replicate the same thing that was done, it's usually not tapping in, right? That's not the same as tapping in. - It's not the same. Because it needs to be real to you. - Exactly. - And I think that has a lot to, and I think that's what separates the good communicators from the great communicators, because good communicators can sound good. They can sound good. - Yes. - And usually, that can get you far. When you're a good communicator, you sound good, you're pleasing to the ear, and I would put it this way. Communicators will always go separate ways in terms of how great they are, the longer you listen to them. Because the good ones and the great ones will always have the same effect in the beginning. But as you continue to converse with them, the great ones set themselves apart, because it's not about how well they speak English, it's not about how nice their voice is, but it's also, okay, what is that internal thing that they're successfully able to bring out of their mouth that connects with other people? - Yeah. - Right? 'Cause I love not that, we know what copy is, and we know what real is. And what have you observed any of that? Maybe I'll say, not just within 33, because right now you're hosting. - Yes. - Right. I've had the pleasure of seeing you the whole firsthand randomly when I was in, when I had a speaking engagement in Behold. - That's true. - And apparently, And that same resort was you having an event. And I was like, "Uh, does she good?" - You got a hustle. - Yeah. (laughing) It's like, when it comes to that, what do you think can sets you apart with regards to what I just mentioned? - Goodness. In terms of fadventory, yes, I do admit that sometimes we try to take the inspiration or take previous queens as inspiration, but sometimes we can get too lost in that and sometimes forget that. It's not about having the same story as them to be able to win, it's being able to use them as inspiration to find what story or what parts of ourself can drive us and what we can share to other people for them to be able to relate to us. And for hosting, there's a lot of great hosts in the Philippines. Would I consider myself one of them? Not yet, honestly. - I would. - Oh, thank you. (laughing) - Thank you, but not yet. 'Cause I feel like there's with me at least, there's still a little language barrier. I, English is my safe space, it's my main mode of communication. I think in English as well, but I feel and this also ties in with being relatable and making a connection even in fadventory. If you can speak a language or the local language or whatever dialect fluently, it makes it easier to connect with your audience. And I'm not 100% fluent in Bissaya, I'm also not 100% fluent in Tagalog. I've never been able to go to school for that. So my Tagalog is let on, let on, sent that and Baha'i kubu. But I speak, I can speak it conversationally. Like when I don't have to think about speaking Tagalog, sometimes it comes out naturally. - Same, same, same, same, there you go, same. A lot of people are like, immediately, immediately. Once I start speaking English, that's how being the like, oh, are you, how long were you in the States, but I'm gonna, to the point that in my English today, is already the me, Sina Jha, Huna Makanana, Kwan Thin Filipino accent. - Oh, what? - Yeah. And this is the funniest part. I would, years ago, years ago, I wouldn't meet these Americans in the Philippines. And I'm like, I'm talking to them. And like, I'm synabolized. Ken, when did you leave LA? I was like, wow, I'm never been LA. (laughing) I'm never even been LA. So I realized also, 'cause I had the buy started, you know, doing, you know, being a trainer, facilitator, we need clients and we need people to relate to us. And I'm like, I realized that my accent actually kept them from fully committing to connecting with me. - At least in the Philippines. - Yeah, see, at least so you get what I know. - Yeah, I do. - And I wanna be able to connect on that level. So if there are any beside tutors out there, or I have the number of Filipino tutor already, after crossing it and myself enough, like Ken will be my accountability buddy at the end of this podcast, I will message that person. (laughing) But yeah, so I feel like being able to speak the language, the local language is a great way to connect with people, especially if you can use that to tap into humor. I love humor as a way to connect to people. And I like being able to use that in my hosting sense as well. But more than just being able to communicate well and being able to host well, to be able to add lib well, I really think it's the personality that you can allow to shine through those little moments of ad lib, or those little things that you do on stage, is what will help, it's what will make them message you again for the next event, for example. Being able to bring in also a level of professionalism when working with them. So it's not just about being a communicator, or a good communicator, it's like again, the whole package as well. Like yeah, you could be a good communicator, but if you're to message because you're not responding or you're not replying or you're not there on time, for example, then no matter how good of a communicator you are, if you're hard to work with, perhaps they wouldn't want to work with you, even if you are such a great host, for example. - You still need to be a good person. - You still need a professional person? - You still need a professional, you still need to be grounded. You still need to be able to ground yourself, even if things are going so well for you, and you feel like you've catapulted yourself to greater heights, you still need to have that ability to sit yourself down and be like, okay, grounding moment. That's a ground with gratitude. - One of the things that I noticed with you is like, you're obviously, you look very confident, right? When you stand up, you stand up confidently. And I know a lot of people who would ask a very simple question, but it's not as simple to answer, which is how do I become confident? - Oh, where does our confidence come from? I've been in my pocket. (laughing) - Shit. - Yeah, please do share. (laughing) - There it is. Years and years of training is one part of it, but also the positive self-talk that you can have with yourself. Because there's an entire world of people, some of them will talk to you kindly in a positive way. A lot of others will only have negative things to say. And because we sometimes tend to focus on the negative things, mostly just the negative things. It's a possibility that that negativity, those negative voices, somehow influence your own inner voice and turn that negative and turn it against you as well. And it's very hard to be confident if your inner voice is the one that's bringing you down. So it really needs to start with the way that you talk to yourself when you're by yourself and alone. And at some point, when there is a very good and healthy amount of self-love, you start to realize that you deserve to be where you are, that you have worth and that no one else can take that away. And when you are backed up by that amount of self-love, the confidence comes in and makes you feel like, even if you make a little mistake, left and right. It's OK because you're a human. And no one's going to be perfect. People might expect perfectionism from you, but no one is perfect. So it's OK if you make that mistake to begin with and just learn along the way. And I think that realization is what helps me be confident or be able to stand up confidently like you mentioned earlier. And do you think that ties in perfectly or directly to how you perform as a host? Oh, definitely. Because there are so many-- I'm self-critical myself as well. So there are also times where I say, oh, I shouldn't have said this ad lip or this joke didn't land the way that I wanted it to land. And then I just tell myself, well, I tried. I tried. I did it with a smile. I didn't cost anything on stage. And all I can do is just learn from this experience and try to be better next time. That's all any of us can do at the end of the day, right? Are there times that you get into an event and you don't feel confident? But you then try to sound confident. What's the difference between feeling confident and just trying to sound confident? Oh, goodness. A lot of people also like to use the fake it till you make it. And that's so hard to do. I find that so hard to do because where do you get that? Confidence, whether that's fake or not, if it's the fake confidence, like, where do you get it? Where do you get that? Because for me, I can't. Because there's always that part of me that really feels like, oh, gosh, it didn't prepare enough for this. Somehow, that voice will somehow overtake the part of me that wants to fake it. So it needs to be authentic. It needs to be real for me at least. If you're the kind of person that can fake it till you make it, then go do you. That's great. If you're the kind of person who can't, I feel you. And we really need to work harder than to want to be able to show for ourselves and want to be able to be humbled enough by little mistakes or big mistakes. And then be humbled enough also to be able to learn from them and want to show up again, but better. On a scale of 1 to 10, how hard is it for you to do what you just said? If the script is in English, it's 8. If it's in Bessiah, it's 4. Let me explain. Because I once-- and I don't know if I've ever seen this-- I've had two experiences in my life, where I was asked to host. The first one was in a part in Mindanao. And they didn't-- I usually asked for the script in advance. And they gave it to me. They gave it to me. I think the morning of. And when they gave it to me, whatever confidence I had was slowly crumbling down because I saw that everything was in a little detail. To the top on the eye was Bessiah. And in my head, I was like, I don't feel confident to do this. Do you really want it to be in Bessiah? I was like, yeah, it's usually what we do even last year. Our host was Bessiah speaking and you're from the role. I was like, I never said that I was 100% fluent in-- It's OK. I'll try it. I'll try it. So I always have that can do attitude. It's not for a lack of trying in my case. I will always try to try to give it a go, try to give it a try. And I was able to host the whole thing in Bessiah with-- OK, let's say 70% Bessiah and then some 30% English, because I'm also only human. And so a lot of the ad-libs were in English. But the base of the script was Bissiah, but it was a lot of like glancing down. And again, if there's any Bissiah triggers hot there, but that was experience number one. Experience number two happened here in Manila. It was a Christmas tree lighting ceremony. And it was when Mayor Honey was still the mayor in Manila. And she was there at the event. It was a full Filipino script. I have never hosted an event in full, pure Filipino. And the most challenging word in that script for me was "Gumukutikutita." And I never said it in my life. I never said it in my life prior to that. So I struggled with that. I struggled with that one word. And at some point, like I really tried to stick to the other guy and script that night. And I saw Mayor Honey in the front and I was saying myself, "Oh gosh, I'm making such a fool of myself." But it's okay. We just did it in the charm. So I was like, "Mare Honey, I'm so happy that I can't eat anything." I was so English that I remember back. But everyone was laughing at that point. And I feel like with some humor and some charm, you can get a long way. And now I will always double check before they even signed the contract. Google the script to be in English. This is how post English and my new script. Okay, I'm excited. Man, the agencies and scouts better, they got to do better research. Just because you're from Bohol, that's a big. Hey, just because I've went to the state, doesn't mean I'm going to apply to be an American citizen. Well, that's true. Again, I thought it was just my experiences. But I will still pat myself on the back and give myself credit for not backing out and for giving it a try at least. Like, beautiful. And I assume that one thing, one of the things that I'm picking up, well, as you share your thoughts is that you're very clear when it comes to. Clarity is something that you actually have. You don't ramble on, you don't go, "Oh, because it annoys me as well." All right, well, thank you. Well, in empathy, well, I'm very empathetic with when it comes to my audience and TikTok. Okay. Because one of the top three concerns is, "I ramble. Can I ramble? How do I fix it?" Okay. All right. And as someone who, like you, who. Yeah, it is a pet peeve. I understand that completely. And guess what? Those who say that they ramble to them, it's also a pet peeve to them, that they ramble. Yeah, so we're. That's self-awareness. Yeah, sure. She was too bad for me. Yeah, there you go. So it's like when it comes to clarity, I want to focus on one thing. And I think this is where most people actually end up having quite a difficult time, is that how do you decide what you have to say and what you choose to emit, what you're going to choose to emit? So just to be clear for everyone who's listening is like, most people have so many things to say. Yes. They have so many things and they want to say all of them. But nobody want to hear about everything. They said no one wants to hear everything. So how do you decide, you personally decide which ones to say and which ones to emit? Especially probably in interviews, like for example. Yeah. I'll take this back first to page in Q&A. Because it's such a big part of my level. So I mean, I've had 10 years training. It's so ingrained in me already that sometimes can't help but kind of go back to that page and training that I've undergone. But this is something that I read in Ted Talks by Chris Anderson. And he mentioned the power of deletes. I don't know if you've read the book. Not the whole thing. I just got the summary. That's how I read. What is the summary of this book? Great gun reading. You must have a library already. I just read the summary of. But I read it and he said the power of deletes. And this is in terms of giving a presentation or giving a Ted Talk. But I think it's very applicable in page in Q&A training and perhaps in communication in general. And he said that you need to be comfortable by leaving stuff out. Especially in page entry where you're only given 30 seconds for example. And you're right in that moment with the time pressure. Your thoughts are racing. And there's a tendency for you to talk really fast to be able to get everything out in those 30 seconds. And then you think you won. But at the end of that, no one remembers what you said. Because it was so oversaturated with details that the message was lost. And I don't want that to happen. There was a part of me when I was younger that had the tendency to do that. I would talk really, really fast, said so many words within 30 seconds. And a lot of people would then say, "Oh, good job." Because it was in English. Because it was English. Sometimes when people speak good English and do it confidently, they could get away with it. Even if the message itself was actually the same way. It's along the same lines when people say, "Oh, the British sound so intelligent, regardless of what they say." Yeah. And they say stuff like "Oh, Luxus." But the power of the lead really is you having to find the power within you to be okay, to leave stuff out. That are equal important. That could, that are very valid as well. But don't necessarily do your main message any good or won't hurt your main message rather if you leave it out. And it's challenging to do on the spot. But with training, you get the ability to then discern on the spot what you want to say and what you feel you can leave out without hurting your main message. And I think that's a skill that has really helped me when I also now give trainings to trainees for pageant Q&A, for example. Actually, that's perfect. Because one of the things that I do is, well, of course, I specialize in public speaking, right? One of the things that I teach is the fact that, and this is a very general concept, almost everyone who's into communication knows this. No one will remember what you said, but they'll remember how you feel. How you made them feel. Yeah. How you made them feel, that's right. Right? But the question is, most people are like, "Yeah, I know that code." How do I apply it? What does that mean? Yeah. So with Q&A, and also when I give talks, I try to bring in a personal experience that I feel people can relate to, whether that, I've given a TED Talk about overcoming being body-shamed and using pageantry as my platform in that. And even then during that TED Talk, I was so emotional because it made me have, it made me go back to feelings that I had years ago, which, yeah, I've processed through, but sometimes going back to it can bring you to tears, and that's normal, that's human. But I think it's allowing that to happen, being able to bring in a personal experience, that really then allows you to connect with other people, to resonate with other people. And if you're able to bring in a personal experience, try to do it as concise as possible, if you're not given any time limit, and good for you, but if you're given a time limit, there's a little bit more pressure to do that. But I think what sets the great communicator as a part from the good communicators is because they're able to bring in their personal experience and share what they've learned in those experiences, and then be able to bring that outward to other people or to those that are listening. I want to bring back what you said a couple of minutes ago, which is with training, you can, you probably are going to be able to do it with training. And I think this is one of the things that a lot of people tend to forget. That you're not born a great communicator. Took the words right out of my mouth. Exactly. Because if they think that, oh, once I get the framework, now I'm going to be automatic. No, because it's just like any skill. If you're not a dancer and someone teaches you to occur a biography, heck, it's probably going to, it's probably going to take you a good couple of weeks of not months to get it right, because your body's going to adjust slowly. And when it comes to leaving off the power of belief, as you mentioned, and usually the people who have a hard time letting go of these things are those that think that people won't understand what I'm truly trying to say if I don't fully explain it to them. Yeah. Those are the kind of people. And those kinds of people are actually, I created a framework for it. I mentioned this to you earlier. It's called the care quadrant. And these people are part of that quadrant who value details so much that feelings are not as valuable to details to them. Oh. Right? And these are the kinds of people. That's why what's important is self-awareness is important, but self-awareness isn't just about your experiences. It's like, what's my tendencies? And where do my tendencies come from? Is it learned? Is it nurture or is it nature? And then from there you're going to be like, oh, okay. So what I'm trying to do as someone who's very detailed or oriented is I'm trying to cater not to the people but to myself. Yeah, so it's a little more self-serving. Yes. And because they feel like in their minds, the audience is not going to understand because I don't understand. But the audience are probably not like you. Right. I mean, highly detailed people don't necessarily watch that much entertainment that's loud and production quality and all these things. So in the pageant sense, you don't need to worry about it because they're probably the minority. And this is really what, you know, this is in general. This is in general. It depends on the platform, it depends on the show. But at the end of the day, we have to understand that creating a feeling is what transforms people. Oh, yes. Not necessarily the details because a decision comes, I say this all the time in sales, for example, whenever I do sales training, I'll tell people everyone is an emotional buyer. And then someone's going to say, no, they're very logic. I have very logical clients and they have to wait for everything needs to be completely aligned. I understand it. But this is now, here's the meta part. Yeah, their value, them valuing details actually trigger their emotion. When you give them the details that they need, emotionally, they feel secure. Emotionally, they get what they want. So it's still technically, it's still emotion. So it's understanding what tool to use for a particular person. Don't use a hammer for us crew. Yeah, pretty much a lot of people want to use a hammer. It will work, but. Boy, it's going to destroy the Kahoi. It's right, the Kahoi. But yeah, I think that's one of the things that I feel like you naturally have that. With training. With training. Yeah. Because again, great communicators aren't born. I really believe that. And I truly appreciate the great communicators who are able to bring out emotion in me as well. Because I love what you said earlier. It's the, what did you mention again? How did you say that? It was such a beautiful way of saying it. I said a lot. I love it. Like, it's not the details, but it's the feelings that will create a change. That will trigger that will trigger a decision that will trigger a decision. Yeah, that's what I really like what you said. And it's so true. It's something that we that I personally want to also apply or have wanted to apply in my page and journey as well. But now also when I'm doing public speaking or when I'm giving Q&A trainings, I always want to bring in a personal experience so that it brings up or so that makes me more human. Yes. Because sometimes you look at trainers and they're like, oh, they're perfect. They're robots. And I want to kind of break that barrier and make me seem more relatable, more humane, more human. They probably also think that, okay, she went through the same thing. She also struggled with anxiety in terms of the time limit in terms of being able to share what you think in that moment with everyone watching. Maybe it's not so bad. If I can see that she's doing it or that she's capable of doing it, overcoming it over and over, then perhaps I can give it a try as well. And then always just be as kind as possible when they make their mistakes or even when you yourself make a mistake and then allow yourself to just show up better the next time having a learn from a set mistake. But yeah, the feelings or the emotions. It's not just the details of your story but the feelings that you're trying to share. So going back to what you mentioned earlier about how do you choose what to omit and what you choose to keep. Again, I'm the kind of person that values directness. I don't know. Sometimes it's a fault in me because I maybe sometimes I'm too straight to the point or too direct to the point. But I do value clarity. And if I can bring in a story of myself, I also don't want to bombard them with too many details about it. That also that will get lost into translation or that will just lose its impact. I've just said too much. No, no, no, no, no. I was like, one of the things that I'm picking up with you is that you actually, you do have a heart for people to be able to understand what you're saying. Of course. Yeah. Because there's quite specifically, there are, I can tell you through experience. There are a lot of speakers out there. Your number one priority is to look good and not necessarily to be able to deliver a message that will transform other people. No, we're all driven by different things. So if you know what drives you, if you know what you're passionate about, if you know what purpose is behind what you're doing, then you can just work towards that. And if your purpose is simply to look good and sound good without any care as to how the message lands to your audience, then you go do you. That's fine. Yeah, that's leaving it at that. That's leaving it at that. But there are a lot that really care about the audience in a sense that they want them to be able to feel like we've created a safe space for them to learn, to grow, to open up, be vulnerable. And I think that's important as well in our growth or in our own journey when we're wanting to be better people, but also when you want in terms of our self-love journey, when you want to be kinder to ourselves as well. Well, and that's very evident after events, for example. And I noticed this, some of the Khaibi example, when I have, when I know people who have met Pia, words about in an event and they had this opportunity. I'm like Pia, I'm not going to be like Pia. What Khaibi, I'm like the service and I'm like, oh my God, I met Pia. And they know that she's my friend this. So I met Pia, oh my God. Oh my God. That is a great effect, but other people don't have that same effect as well. So I guess one of the most important things is like you said you value your audience. One of the most important things when it comes to valuing an audience is to really have a heart for them. And I think that's quite difficult, especially if you're a high profile, especially for example, as far as you're like you, you have half a million followers. What does that, that's like that's collectively and like three barangays on top of that, but okay. But that's not like an Instagram bro. But I mean, I can speak for people that when they meet people like you, people who are popular, people who are pretty, who have done so many things, and look good doing it, they always have that desire now. Oh, I want to connect with them and I wish them about it. And I think that's very important. I mean, when it comes to, this is me replying to what you mentioned about the purpose thing. When it comes to purpose, I truly believe that if anyone wants to find their purpose, it needs to be something that will always help other people as well. Because what is life for without other people? Not so true. That what is life for without other people. What's the point? If it's really just for you then okay, but the new also got to like self reflect further on that and then really think, is it just for me or perhaps my parents will also be at the benefit of this or it doesn't have to be like the whole wide world that you have to think of because that's such a heavy burden. But as long as you know that it's also going to ripple outward to at least the closest people around you then. Yeah, I love what John Maxwell said. He said, he once said, there is no such thing. I don't believe that there's such a thing as a self made man because a self made man needs other people to either work with him or buy the stuff that he's selling. Ah, I like that. So there is no self made man. There is no such thing. People were always there to bring it to where you are now. That's good. So do you feel like that? And I see a lot of the self made men have probably already stepped on countless of backs to get where they are. There you go. Which doesn't mean anything. One of the things that my grandfather said in his deathbed, and my grandfather did a lot of things. He's like from the money, to the success in his industry, to the people that love him, did everything very, very well. And his last words to my dad was, this was, so when I say grandfather, I'm talking about my mom's side. So my grandfather was taught to his son in law. Yes. Oh, okay. Yeah. And his last words, like words of wisdom to him was very simple. Something that we've heard multiple times. He said, "Mond don't strive to aim for the top of the mountain because there's nothing there and I've been to many top of the mountain." Oh, wow. Oh, wow. All right. World view, shatter. No, but dance. - Yeah, I'm listening. - Right, and you see that. You see that in a lot of people, a lot of successful people, after they gave the success, because they were so hyper focused looking at that, just, you know, they just wanna be able to say that, I made it, I made it, when they're there, like, why did I do this for? I gave that a lot. Why did I even do this for? So, be kind to people, be good to people, make sure that people benefit from the success that you create for yourself as well. And I don't know if you realize, we've been talking for more than an hour. - What? - Like, exactly one hour. - Okay. - We've talked for exactly one hour. - Is that by my like, cut? - We're gonna transition into ending this at the start. - Okay. (laughing) - That was fun. - We're probably gonna do this again. So, I told you, I told you, you won't feel it. But, and, you know, there's so many things, you do, so many things that you said I love. And we're probably gonna clip it into shorts, so we can attack you. - Yes, please do. - But more than anything, again, one of my deepest desires is to help people learn to communicate better. Because I believe, and I say this in my talks, I say this in my workshops, you've got technical skills and we've got soft skills. - Mm-hmm. - All right, your technical skills is how good you are in a specific industry, your job, your position, the things that you do in the office that make you valuable to the company. But good for you that you're part of that company, because when you're in an interview, right, when you're in an interview, you're hoping that the interviewer actually sees your worth. - Yeah. - Right? And that's why you put all of your credentials on your resume, your CV, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. Wow, so on paper, you are the best person for this job. You're the most technically-- - Qualified. - Qualified in the vidwall. - Yep. - But who are you talking to? You're going to talk to a human being. You're going to talk to HR. - Yep. - And I say this all the time. Your technical skills will always fall or rise to the level of your soft skills. - Okay. - Because perception is what moves people. - That's what matters. - Right? So if you want people to see your worth, you need to be great at communication. What is great? It depends on you. What is your standard of great? And which leads me probably to my last question, it's not really a question, it's a request. - Um, what, could you please tell people one communication shift that has helped you become like the communicator, the great communicator that you are, which you feel will also help them in terms of leveling up their self-skill or communication skill. - I already mentioned the power of the lead earlier. But I think a great communicator is also a great listener. And I think that's a great way to make a connection because it's not all just about what you bring to the table. There's just many seats at the table. It's not just the table for one, but there's many seats at tables who are being able to, I think at least in my opinion, a good communicator is also someone who's a good listener, someone who knows how to help other people share what they're going through or what their problems might be or what their challenges might be. Or even being able to like simply listen to what they're asking for and then being able to answer that way. 'Cause to tie this into pageantry also. (laughing) To tie this into pageantry also, it's one of my pointers in my Q&A trainings. It's listen to the question and answer the question. And they always like look at me like, duh, so straight forward. And in my head I'm like, I know, I know, I know. But I have your exhibit A and then I show them a video of a girl in pageantry who was asked the question. And the question was, what is one physical asset that you have that will make you win? So very clear question, what's one physical asset that you have? And she proceeded to answer. - My question. - But she didn't answer the question. She gave an entire answer and I'm not gonna invalidate the experience that she shared because she shared something about a loss that she's experienced. I'm not gonna invalidate that, but she didn't answer the question. And there was a pause for her answer. And if you're able to kind of manipulate the conversation that way and you get away with it, then good for you, but there's also now a lot of times where that won't fly. And it didn't fly with that particular judge who asked the question because she then on stage repeated the question. And she said what physical asset? So being able to be a good listener, not just in Q&A on stage, but in general, will help you be a more effective communicator because if you can't respond to what's being mentioned or to what has previously been said, then what good is what you just said? - Hearing is different from listening. Hearing is definitely different from listening and hearing is not understanding. (laughing) - There you go. Beautiful, beautiful, well said. - That's, yeah. - And I think a lot of people need to really apply that. And I guess to add on to that one way, if you made me, if you guys are wondering, I hear that all the time, be a good listener, what does that mean? - Well, this is what it means. - Okay, let me add on to that. - All right, sure, good, good. - Let me add on to that. So being a good listener then to actively put that into use, is to not on stage, maybe you don't have time to do this on stage because you have a time limit. - Although a lot of people do that. Kind of paraphrase what was said prior to that. So you have a moment to let it sink into you as well. Having kind of paraphrase or repeated what was just said. Because sometimes you need that for yourself. So if you can paraphrase the question that was asked or paraphrase what was last mentioned to you, just like be it like a little moment where you're thinking out loud and then allow for your response, not necessarily a reaction, but your response to then come through. - Beautiful, and the only way to be able to do that is not listen to your thoughts while someone else is giving their thoughts. - Also, yes, like you really got to be in the moment here. Like this is like, it's really like looking at their eyes but then also maybe looking at what they're saying because sometimes I'm bingy. So sometimes the movement of the map makes me realize, okay, that's what they said, look, okay, yeah. That's awesome. - And with that, we would love to listen more of you when it comes to your podcasts and the future. Hopefully you're not gonna-- - Yeah, I think so. But while we're waiting for it, could you please sell everyone how they can reach you and how they can connect with you? - Okay, hello everyone. So to everyone that's watching and that's still here, thank you so much for watching. I am Pauline, you can just follow me on social media. I'm @PaulineAmlings on Instagram. I also have a growing TikTok account. That's also @Pauline.Amlings. I think there's a lot somewhere. And on Facebook too, that's Pauline Amlings and I'd love to be able to connect with all of you there. Thank you so much for watching. - And thanks for being here with us. Thank you for taking the time. I know you're super busy and we'd love to have you back. Maybe you can-- - Thank you. Looking forward to part two. - All right, awesome. Thank you, thank you so much. - Thank you too, Ken.