3 Tammuz - To See Each Other Through the Rebbe's Prism

Exploring Kindness, Compassion, and the Mitzvah of Self-Love Hani's class was dedicated in honor of Hani Berkowitz in honor of her upcoming birthday by her parents and the posner's from Alabama. They I, I was very, very moved. I know that Hani's parents realized how much she enjoys and appreciates these classes, and I was very moved that they noticed that about their daughter and chose something that's very meaningful to her and very meaningful to them and use that opportunity to celebrate Connie's birthday. I know it's a big number, but I don't want to know. I don't know if Connie wants all of us to know the big number of her celebration. So I want to wish her. And Connie, I'm so glad your camera's on. I want to just wish you a a decade of you getting to see yourself or who you are at your core, becoming more and more familiar with your absolute truth when you look in the mirror to be able to identify yourself by that and all the other parts of our humanness that might still show up. Just wave at them, not at them, and say, I see you, you're still around, but I know who I am. And you should be able to live a life aligned with with that truth easily, easily. Absolutely. And a very big thank to thank you to your parents for, for dedicating today's class and that honor. If anybody else, I'll make sure I record it to cloud. OK, So if anyone else wants to join us on the on the screen, that would be awesome. Thank you. So I, I'm actually going to start, I want to start with a, a question here. The difference between kindness and compassion, These are two words that we hear all the time, right? Kindness is a word we grew up with. Compassion is more, maybe it's a little more new age. It's it's one of the medos. What is the difference though between kindness and compassion? That's what I want to talk about today. I remember seeing AI think this was on chabad.org. I remember seeing a, a meme that was on chabad.org. It said kindness gives to another, compassion knows no other. I'll say that again. Kindness gives to another. Compassion knows no other. OK, we, we all know what kindness means. We value it. We practice it. It's it's the hallmark of, of Lubavitch, right? Lubavitch being city of love, right? I wanted to take this up a notch and talk about compassion, not just kindness, Compassion as the ideal, which is the ultimate version of what is being asked of us to know no other in our sleep. Every single one of us could quote behalf de la Reyes hakamaika. Love your fellow as yourself. And we know the part where Rabbi Akiba adds to this and says zek Kal godalba Tara, this is an all-encompassing mitzvah. To love your fellow as yourself is an all-encompassing mitzvah. So what I want to talk about when I talk about compassion, I want us to walk away with an understanding in the most practical terms, How is it that to love someone as I love myself is a mitzvah that captures the premise of every single Jewish value? How is that? How is love a mitzvah that encompasses all other mitzvahs? And to add to that, I'm going to just remind us also of the story that the altoba quotes in Paraclan and Bayes and Tanya, which is really the source that that's the the resource of today's class. We're jumping ahead to Paraclan and Bayes. I want to remind you all of the the, the the the story the altoba quotes there. It's about the non Jew who came to Hilo. He wanted to be converted to Judaism, but he had one stipulation. He says if you could teach me the entire Tyra on one foot and what does? He'll tell him. What's hateful to you don't do to others. Zehu Kalhatairakula, This is the entire Tyra. The rest is commentary. Now go learn and understand what it is that I'm talking about. So that's what I want to do today. I want us to go learn and understand what is it? How is it that love is the premise of all things Jewish? And of course, let's also understand what does compassion mean? How can I love to the extent that I experience no other in you to the point that I love you like I love myself? Because this all sounds very good in theory. This, these, these, again, like I said, these are things we grew up with. These are ideas we grew up with. Everyone in this room can quote in their sleep, right? If I ask you to list your values, this is going to be on the top of the list. But practically speaking, how am I supposed to go about loving someone whose behavior I can't stand, whose presence triggers me, someone whose reactions undermine my own well-being? How do I love someone who whose way of communicating with me is so distasteful and it's even hurtful? Seeing Miriam Basbilga Through the Rebbe's Compassionate Lens Now for the for the sake of these words having the most impact, I want to invite everyone here to take a moment and bring to mind someone in your life to whom one of these sentences that I just said, you know, apply. Someone whose way of communicating is distasteful, whose reactions undermine your well-being, whose presence triggers you. I want you to bring that to your to mind. It could be a spouse, it could be a child, it could be your mother-in-law, it could be your Co worker. I want you to think about the hurtful dynamic between you 2. Think about the discomfort that you feel in your stomach when you're about to spend time with this person or the, the heaviness that sits on your chest when you're about to interact with them. And my goal, my hope, I hope, my prayer is that by the end of this conversation, you're going to be able to pull that name out again and see if you're able to see and feel towards them with a newly embodied approach, with compassion. We, we all see the ugly kind of interactions and the bullying that goes on on on social media or in other settings. But obviously that that does not, thank God. I, I, I don't think this happens in our circles because we really, we have been raised with this motto, the Hafta la recha Comaika. But my question that I have here is why is it acceptable that when you get home and you spend 15 minutes griping about your offline labor, your child's classmates, parents or, or the community member who you can't stand? And of course, we don't do this out loud. You know, you're only doing it with your best friend or with your sister. But why, Why do we even have these feelings? Why is it that we harbor such feelings about somebody else? My, my hope today is that the ideas that I'm going to remind you of because I'm probably not going to share anything new, but I'm going to God willing to tie together ideas of Hassidas so that these aren't just ideas in our mind. Behalf of the rare Hakamaika is not something that sits in our head as a belief system, but rather my goal is to empower us in the most practical terms, to love, to respect, to know no other. And this the same person that I that you just brought to mind. So I'm actually going to start with a, a fascinating story from the Gemara, something that maybe you may be familiar with. A little while ago, Jim had put out a whole, a whole clip about this. It, it, the story itself actually isn't so fascinating. It's the way that the rabbit taught the story. That's what was fascinating. And again, like I said, I, I, I actually cannot think of a, a more appropriate way or a more appropriate thing to discuss on Gemal Thomas or as preparation for Gemal Thomas. But, and like I said, some of you may have heard the story, but I want you to tune into the, the, the nuances that I'm pulling apart here. It's a story about a woman named Miriam Bosbilga, a story in the Gemara. Now, at first glance, you read the story. It's a very negative drama. It does not leave us with a, a, a good impression about this woman. It leaves us with a very harsh impression about her. But then along comes the Reba and he opens our eyes to how the story should actually be read. He took this woman's despised name and with the Rabba's outlook through the paradigm through which he views humanity, he literally redeems her soul and raises her into an esteemed place. He literally liberates her soul. Now a historical context very quickly. This Miriam Bosbilga lived the story happened during the time of Hanukkah when the basin Megdish was temporarily conquered by the Syrian Greeks. Now we know about the the Ivanem that they had a very strong influence on Jewish, on the Jewish communities. Many of them adapted the Greek culture and including Miriam, Miriam bus Bilga. Now the story as recorded in Gomorrah tells us very simply, Miriam is the daughter of Bilga. She renounces her Jewish faith. She marries A Syrian Greek military officer. And when the Greeks invade the base of Mingo, she joins them and she kicks the Mizvah with her sandal and she cries out. She says Lucas, Lucas AD Masai at at Mikhla my name Shalisrall the E ATA aymed alayhim Bishasatraq. She says wolf, wolf like beast, beast. How long will you consume the Jewish people's money but not come to their assistance in their time of distress? This is a story at face value. So what do we know? First of all, she's from the Bilga family, which means she was a Baos cayenne. This was a very elite family. And what does she do? Not only does she convert out of Judaism, but she goes and marries the enemy. And then adding insult to injury, she enters the vase of English along with the invading army, and she kicks the Mizvah and she taunts it. Now you read the story. Do you have anything positive to say about this woman? You know, I, by the way, like just, I'm just thinking in terms of 2026. If you want to think in terms of 2026, think of a woman who, who you know, I, I was sharing this in a, in a, in a talk that I gave when I was in Israel recently and I told the woman, I said, think of, think of a a a but you know, as, as Jews, we can all relate to this. We don't have to live in Israel. Think of somebody, an Israeli woman who goes and marries someone in Hamas. And then when they come in on on October 7th, she joins them in the invasion. This, this is the level what we're talking about. So you, you read about this, you have anything positive to say? But then look at like we're going to look here. How the rabbit for whom this mitzvah to love your fellow. This was the prism through which he viewed every single person. Let's look how the rabbit read this story. The rabbit takes the story and he points first of all to something very something a little strange, something peculiar. Here he says if the Gemara's telling us the story to condemn her disrespect towards God, doesn't it seem a little bit misplaced that it's criticizing her for kicking them as beha? She did so much worse. She converted out, she married the enemy. She joined them in an invasion. Do we really care about this, this little infraction at the at the Mizvah? You know, it's like a guy who gets into his car and he's drunk and he causes a terrible accident and there's fatalities and then he gets out of the car and and we give him a ticket for littering because he dropped his empty beer bottle on the ground, right? That's not the infraction that we care about. But what does the rabbit say here? Says that actually this minor infraction, this kicking the altar, the fact that she was condemned for it, she and her family, this, the fact that the Gomorrah brings this tiny detail, this in fact is the greatest affirmation of Miriam's value. The rabbit points out that her feelings, the fact that she renounces her faith, the fact that she marries the enemy, He says these these are details external to her identity. It doesn't matter that she gave up her Jewish belief. It doesn't matter that she joined the enemy of her people. Because she has a soul and she is intimately connected to God, then God still cares about how she behaves when she approaches him as they are. The Rebbe explains that the entire story was shared in the Gemara to demonstrate the greatness of her soul, that no matter her external state, no matter to what depths a person might sink, the soul remains whole, connected to God, a completely whole at its core, even in the the moments of our failings. In other words, I was saying that it would have been the ultimate insult if we had given up on her, if we had lowered our our expectations of her. You know, imagine a kid who's in school and he's not doing well. You either push him to keep trying because you see his potential, or you know, you let him get away with the failing grades. You let him get away with the difficult behavior because you gave up on him. There's no use like this kid isn't going anywhere anyway. But here the opposite occurs. God still holds the bar high for her, and therefore he's offended when she comes and kicks in his veil. This seemingly minor infraction the the Gemara does take the story seriously. The rapper reads the story and he says the, the, the, the Tama tells us her name. It tells us her family's name. Not to defeat her. We don't tell stories in order to, to, you know, let us know to but schmutz that family, he says it tells us her name. It tells her family name because it wants us to learn something from her story, to learn about her greatness, to learn about Miriam's essential value and unbreakable connection with her core, with her godly soul. And the Rev further points out that you don't have to accept this blindly. He says we we don't have to accept though she remained intact. He says, look at the, the story. Look at the words from the, from the what we read right here in the, the, in the Gemara. We, we, we see from the word that the Gemara shares that despite what we see on the outside, internally, she's still whole despite her failings. What does she say when she kicks them as they are? She expresses her despair at the plight of her people. I'll read the rabbi's words. I'm reading this directly, obviously translated. He says. Miriam rejected her faith. She married the enemy. She joined the invasion of the Besa Migdosh. Nevertheless, what bothered her was why the Mesbeach was not protecting the Jews. He says, why are you not coming to the Jewish people's assistance after taking all their money and all their sacrifices? Why aren't you coming to help them so? So the point is clear what the rub is making here. He's saying a person's soul remains perfectly whole even while their behaviours are showing the exact opposite. But here, here's the part that I want to spend the next 2025 minutes or so elaborating on. If that's the case, if this is the case, if a person's soul remains whole and he's never severed from it, then accordingly, a person is not to be defined by his wounded parts or his seemingly broken parts. Regardless of a person's behavior, regardless of their dark impulses, regardless of their point of view, regardless of their inappropriate reactions to life, he or she or or most importantly, me and you, we have a soul that is literally a piece of God. And it should always be identified by that. We should always be identified by that because that's our core. And obviously this applies to every single person in our lives, to judge them by their core, by their inner perfection, by their divine soul, by their unbreakable bond with God. Now the rabbit gave this talk in 1974. OK, this actually, I think I'm pretty sure he gave it on the the earth side of his mother, on the earth side of rabbit's in Khanna. I'm pretty sure until then, OK, 1974, until then, how many thousands and thousands of people had read this story? It's a story in the Gemara, but no one previously made this point how this seemingly very negative story has such positive overtones. So what was it about the rabbit that enabled him to see the story through this lens? We all know about the rabbit's positivity bias, right? But where did he get these glasses from that allowed him to read the story about Miriam and see her for who she truly was? Can we pinpoint this? Can we mimic it again, not just not just for others, not just for the way we show, you know, when you meet a, a, a, a not religious Jew on the street or in, in your Chabad? I want us to mimic this for the way we view ourselves and the way we view our own people, our own children, our own spouse, our own friends. So again, we're going to just to answer this question, starting with the basics. Understanding the Animal and Divine Souls in Tanya Maybe some of this is new for some of you, but absolutely not new for any of you who've been sitting and and studying the Tanya together with us. But I'm just quoting this in in 2 short paragraphs, the foundational ideas of the Tanya, the two souls, the Nefesha. I kiss the Nefesha Bahamas again, describing them here in the most basic terms, the first soul, the natural soul referred to as the animal soul. Why? Like we explained a few weeks ago, much like the animal, its instinct is self preservation, and that includes all of our coping mechanisms, all of our survival tools, all the parts of us that form throughout life with the goals of seeking pleasure and avoiding pain, seeking safety, avoiding discomfort. This soul sees gratification in simple things like a good drink. It also seems gratification in a vacation or an external validation or an appreciation and of course, even in loftier things like achievement and success. But it's all self oriented, right? I don't want to take too much time on this cause for that. You can go back and listen to all our Tanya classes. This is a self oriented soul. It's the voice of the ego, the voice of the self absorbed consciousness. It's our ego consciousness. The second soul is our divine transcendent God centered soul, its desires fully aligned with God's desires. It's the it's one with God's will. It's will is one with God's will. Like we said before, we say this about God and this is truth about our soul. Joy and confidence are its natural state because this soul doesn't just know about God, it is literally a piece of God. Now, even though so many of our choices and our behaviors and our reactions to life are driven by our natural soul and its self oriented needs and it's grasp for safety, at our core we are our godly soul. Our essence, the innermost truest part of our identity, our most authentic voice is a godly consciousness. And now the Tanya asks us this is in Paraclama based Latanya to strive to put our godly soul above Kieseid, the Shirish Kalhatairu, the foundation and the root of the entire Tyra. He tells us Lahagbiya ulahalli san efeshalaguf to elevate and exalt the soul above the body. And like it's, he says in paraglama bees, brachsim, chassitya, Simcha, sanevesh levada, to find joy in the joy of the soul. So what does this mean? The Tanya is asking us to recognize that all of our character flaws and all of our hurtful and destructive coping strategies, whether it's in the form of anger or jealousy or resentfulness or depressiveness or fear of rejection or shame or addiction or anxieties, whatever it is, any parts of our animal consciousness, the Tanya asks us to recognize that these are defense mechanisms. These are adaptive behavioral patterns that the animal soul formed throughout life. But that's not who you truly are. We, at our core, are our divine soul. And this is the answer to the question we asked. How was the rabbi able to read the story of Miriam Basilga with such a positive spin? Where did he get these glasses? What influenced his perspective? It's this simple. The rabbi was a man so aligned with his divine soul that that's how he viewed others through this paradigm. He saw their divine soul. He saw Miriam at her core. He saw who she truly was. He engaged with that part of her. And Latonya goes as far as telling us that not only do we all have this divine soul, but if you want to talk about what it means to be in peace, it's not about finding things we have in common, It's not about making compromise. Natanya is telling us, look at your core, we shear the exact same soul. It's only the words of the Tanya. It's only our bodies that separate us. It's our animal soul that separates us. When we remove our ego consciousness from the the equation, when we activate our divine soul perspective, it becomes so much easier to love. You know, there's a, there was a beautiful story. I remember it went viral years ago. It was so, you know, every story, every day I was Googling it online to find the details and every, there was a different source in every story. Every source had a different person that this happened with. There's a story about a young guy who bumps into his former teacher. And I don't know, this guy's in his, his in his 30s and he bumps into his teacher, who's now 70. And they recognize each other and they're kind of doing their little introductions. And the, the young man says to the teacher, he says, you know you, you saved me. You saved my dignity. And the teacher says, I remember you. I recognize you, but I don't, I don't remember what you're talking about. When did I save your dignity? And the boy tells his teacher, remember that time that there was a a watch when somebody took him into school excited with the new watch. And by Reese's time, the watch went missing and everybody knew. I knew you knew. The whole class knew somebody stole the watch. And you told every one of the kids to close their eyes and face the wall. And when we do that, the person who took the watch should put it back on the desk. And that way no one would know. Don't you remember? He tells the teacher. He goes, that was me. I was the kid who took the watch. You saved my dignity. And the teacher said to him, he says, I remember the story, but I never knew it was you. When I told everyone to close their eyes, I also closed my eyes. I never knew who it was. It's a very simple story, but this is a teacher who personifies this idea, right? He saw his students for who they were at their core. He identified by the them, by their souls. And he didn't want this watch incident to blur his view. Of course, it's his job to help the students behave in ways that reflect their divine soul and not their animal instincts. But clearly for this incident, he didn't want to know who it was. He wanted it to retain this pure, unadulterated view that he had of their souls. Now, here's the thing that I want to point out here. We we all know this up in our brain, but it's practically impossible to implement this value that this teacher has if we don't do this with our own self. This teacher's not modeling simply how to look at others, he's modeling for us how we have to look at ourselves. When you do the work and you become aware of all the parts of you that might be driving your self oriented behaviors, your impulsive reactions, your difficult feelings, you start getting to know your patterns or behavior. You start getting to see your survival template up close and all your triggers and how they formed. You must recognize that these are just parts of your animal soul, of your ego consciousness, but they're not you. They don't define you. You at your core are a literal peace of God, a a purely wholesome, wholesome piece of goodness with innate wisdom, innate worthiness, the innate ability to be light and to shine light. And when you begin to see yourself and to judge yourself for who you truly are, you know what the most immediate consequence is. That's how you start to see others to love your fellow as yourself. You have to get to know yourself, who is the self that you're loving so that you could start loving others in the same way. Your Adaptive Suit is Not Your True Essence I I humbly believe that this one sent this in the Tanya about placing the godly soul above the body. The Halle Sanefe Shalagov. It's the most critical ingredient in self growth and inhaling. It's obviously the most critical ingredient in love because the sentence is telling us that when you look in the mirror, if you see yourself for all your messiness, you see yourself for all the wounded parts of your animal soul, you're such a failure. I'm so pathetic. I'm such an anxious mess. We all have the loudest inner critics. We have the loudest shaming voices, inner bullies that live inside of our head. If we see ourselves for all of our woundedness, if we identify ourselves by our survival template, then to love your fellow is truly a very tall order because you're identifying humans by their humanness and humanness is very unpleasant and messy sometimes. But if when you look in the mirror, you're not ignoring your wounded parts, you see them for what they are. They're hurting parts that need healing. But your worthiness is not contingent on that healing. Your worthiness is contingent on the fact that Nishamash and Asatabi Tierahi, my worthiness is in the profound truth that God woke me up this morning and placed a pure soul inside of me. And that's who I am. You know, there's, there's a great muscle that illustrates this. I, I shared it. I, I've shared it in the past. So you may have heard, I, I heard it on a Ted Talk. It was a Ted talk from like 20 years ago. This woman, this is really woman named Teddy Schleifer. I think she's a, a marriage therapist. I'm going to share it again here briefly because it's a, it's, it's a, it's the most ideal muscle for this. She shares the story of a guy, a tailor named Mr. Goldberg. It's a Yiddish parable that she says she heard from her grandfather. The this guy walks into the tailor and he's showing the tailor. I'm gonna have to do a little motions here, so you have to look at the screen. But she walks in, the guy walks into the tailor and he shows the tailor how the sleeve is and what's a little bit long. And the tailor says, oh, no, no, for that hand, just hold your hand a little like this and it's perfect. And the guy does, he holds his hand like this. And indeed, the sleeve looks better. But he said, well, what about this arm? This arm's also a little long. He says, oh, for that arm, just hold it like this. So great. He has this arm like this and this arm like this. And OK, indeed, the sleeves now look better. And then he shows him on the leg. The leg's a little long, so he tells him to bend his right knee out a little bit. You get the the drift here. The guy, he basically walks out with his body and contorted, but the suit fits. He's walking down the block and he hears a couple pass him. And the woman says to her husband. She says, look at that guy. He must have an amazing tailor. He's a cripple and his suit fits him perfectly. We hear the story and we laugh, but This Is Us. The crippled suit is our animal soul and the way that we adapted to life, and then we start identifying ourselves by it. But it's just a survival suit. It's not our essence. When I have adapted to life by becoming rigid or withdrawn or compulsive or careless or anxious or depressive, and then we begin to identify ourselves as such. Or sometimes when we're asked to show up and to shine light and we say that's not my type, I don't have it in me, I can't do that. Is that me or is that my adaptive suit? Inside of this survival suit, inside the self preservation suit, we can, We are able. We're perfectly whole and we are perfectly intact. And when, when we can begin to see ourselves as such and we can identify ourselves by our essence and not by our miss shaped survival suit, miss shaped adaptive suit, then this ideal to love your fellow like yourself, it becomes so much more within reach. Because then instead of defining others by their fault and their bad habits or by their, you know, warped way of thinking or the way that they react to life, we begin to notice and identify with their essence, with their truth, with their perfection. You know, I, I, I haven't highlighted this, but I obviously I should point this out too. You know, some people look in the mirror and, and they, all they see is their fault. Others look in the mirror and they identify themselves by their achievements or by the way they look, or the way how much money they own or What Car they dress or where they work or the friends they keep are the external things that we identify ourselves by not. This isn't necessarily the focus of my point here, but it bears mentioning that this too is the ego consciousness, obviously, and therefore it also acts as a barrier between me and my fellow. Any kind of hierarchies where there is a narrative that makes me feel either superior or inferior to others, that is a story of the ego, that is a story of the animal consciousness and that serves as a barrier between me and you. Differentiating Your Core Self from Difficult Emotions This, this idea, it's expressed over and over and over enchanted this, this, this core value, this imperative for the Jew to be able to see ourselves as separate from these parts of us. This is my adaptive suit. This is the mundane, but I am me. I am my, I am my godly soul. You know, we see this, we we see the mundane and the and the material. Obviously these are critical parts of our presence here in this world. We know this. This is this is, this is a foundational ideas enchanted this. We see the mundane. We don't remove ourselves from it. We engage with it, but obviously only for the purpose of elevating it. We never define ourselves by it. We never identify ourselves by it. To the point that the rib actually elaborates on this, that because we see ourselves apart as apart from it, because we see ourselves as separate from it, that is what allows us and empowers us to elevate the mundine. If we're trapped within the material, if I identify myself by my wealth, I lose the capacity to, to, to elevate it. When I see myself for who I am, a messenger of God, to engage with this material, then I'm able to transform it. If we become enmeshed in the gullas, if we become enmeshed in the materialism, we lose our perspective and with it, we lose our power of transforming the gullas. And obviously this exact same message applies to our godly soul and its engagement with the animal soul, our core versus the mundane. You know, in therapeutic terms, you, you hear this idea, these phrases of, you know, to walk alongside your emotions. What what does that mean when you see to walk alongside? It means that they're not you. You're not them. You know, a part of you is feeling anxious. You're not an anxious mess. A part of you is feeling down rather than I am so depressed. You hear the difference in those two words. Recently a woman was talking to me about her husband who's struggling with an addiction, and after a few times hearing her call him an addict, I asked what would happen. What happens to you when you hear me say it this way? I say a part of my husband struggles with an addiction or even my husband is struggling with an addiction. But rather than, rather than defining him by this, it's a huge different. This is this works within ourselves. Also, there's this is a practice of called differentiating or in blending, creating a psychological separation between you and this part of you that's behaving in a maladaptive way. You're, you're not the great cloud, right? You're the sun. The great cloud is what's blocking the sun from shining, expressing itself. But the sun hasn't for even 1 brief moment stopped shining. It's a little more obscured, a little less access maybe, but the clouds always move on. I am my godly soul, and of course I need all the functions of the body, all the functions of the animal soul, in order to express itself. But those parts of me that turn into blockages, not allowing my soul's true voice to be heard, not allowing my soul me access to my soul's innate confidence and joy. Like I said literally before, our soul is literally a piece of God. If my soul is literally a piece of God, then if what is flooding through my system right now, however it shows up, a fear of rejection, shame, anxiety, anger, depressive mood. If that is what's flowing through me right now and not allowing me access to the joy and confidence and all the other God like qualities of my soul, my wisdom, my trust, my compassion. The most critical thing we need to do is to unblend from it. That's a part of me. It's not me. That's just the cloud obscuring my sunshine. It's not me knowing that that's what allows us to transform it. The entire concept of his hapra, the entire concept of the of this critical idea in Hassidis of being able to transform this power lies first and foremost is in being able to see ourselves as separate from it, to be able to see our nefesh habamas for what it is. It's not me. It's not my identity. I am my godly soul, Ikheilo Telecom Imam Mamash, literally. And as soon as I know that we can work through it, we can heal it, we can transform it. Activating Your Godly Soul's Capacity to Overcome You know, just this on the Shabbas table at my parents house and at the Shabbas table, my father shared a beautiful idea. He quoted something from, we just had partial shock, the story, the Moraglan, the spies going into our Cicerole. And he quoted 1 little sentence. And he surely said, I feel like this is the Rebba's entire posture. This was the Reba's entire message, the words of Khalib and Yeshua. They said alloy na Allah be rashnoisa, we shall surely go up and possess it. Kiyahal nuhala, for we certainly can overcome it. The others felt, No, we absolutely can't. And what did they say? Yes, we can go up, we can possess it. My father was cheering his like this is. This was the rabbi's entire message to our generation. Of course we can. If you have a godly soul, you can if you identify yourself by your godly soul that you can. The rebel offered a a mime where I was learning recently. The rebel offered this is the meditation to start. We know this and we start our day every day with Maida Ani. But the rebel was literally saying, if you start your day with this meditation that you have, he says you know the idea that the altar rabbit took it says the altar rabbit added the word mamash. He said can to meditate on this idea that it your your core is literally a piece of God. And when you know that, then you know that any challenge in front of you, whatever it is, the Rebbe's message applied to everything to to to elevating the mundane to, to to our work on Schloss, to the to to the the the steady studied from our last chapter in Tanya that we just learned that the battle between the godly soul and the animal soul. It's these words alai na Levi arashnawaisa. We can surely, surely do this. Of course we can to meditate on this idea that I have inside of me a peace of God, literally Fela kalakami mamamish. And then we know we can to steadily and steadily come back to that idea. Now, I, I, I want to make sure I'm being clearer because I'm not in any way advocating that we dismiss our stuff. You know, separate yourself from it, right? I'm telling you, see it as something separate from you. Put it away and then go be the real you. That's not what I'm saying. On the contrary, I'm actually seeing the exact opposite. We cannot dismiss our challenges. We cannot dismiss our difficult emotions. When you are struggling with the anxiety or the depressive moods or the dark impulses, we can't pretend them away. We can't ignore them. We can't remove ourselves from these concerns. We can't, first of all, because we're human and you can't deny your humanness. But most critically, we don't want to deny our vulnerability. We don't want to deny our humanness because then we lose touch with our heart, right? I've, I've said this in so many different ways that our heart has one switch button. You cannot turn off pain without turning off access to deep joy. You can't switch off the difficult emotions without also switching off access to a fully present heart. What we're told, the author of it quotes this idea also that, you know, joy is anchored on one side of the heart and grief on the other. What he's telling us is this is the ingredients. This is the biology of how our heart works. This is psychologically, this is how our heart works. When you allow yourself to recognize in reals that these parts of me live inside of me, I don't have to turn them off. I don't have to ignore them. I don't have to pretend they're not here. I'm talking about the more challenging, difficult emotions then you'll be able to access provide. Oops. So what I'm saying here is that we do face it and we do deal with it. But here's a critical idea. We remember. It's not me. I am a transcendent being. I'm a peace of God. And when we stay in touch with that, we're able to to we are able to deal with it and transform it. If we fail to recognize who we are at our core, then we fail to see ourselves as greater than our struggles. We lose access to our wisdom. We lose access to our broader perspective. We lose access to the power of His haka and transforming it. What holds us back is only the stories that our mind tells us and ties us down to these old narratives. It's it's our enmeshment with the old narratives. Like I said before, it's our enmeshment with the Gullis. Then we become like the Moroglund who saw themselves as as incapable, as unable, as grasshoppers. But when we're able to see ourselves as separate from these parts of us, when we cannot blend from them, when we could separate our core from our animal soul and from all of its coping mechanisms, that's where we have the capacity to transcend it all. Applying the 'Good Inside' Principle to All Relationships When we're not, we don't have to be afraid of engaging with it. You know, I, I, I know all of you sitting here know this by now. And I'm, I'm really just connecting these ideas that we know therapeutically to ideas that we know from Hasidis. It is the soul's ability, this idea that the soul is a Sheila Kalaikami, Mama Amish. It's in the souls knowing that and then using that powerful soul to engage with these mundane parts of us. That's where the soul achieves its transcendence. That's where truth transformation happens. Again, like I said, we know this to be true in the soul's engagement with all the mundane material of the world, with every object we use for a mitzvah, it's a mundane material. The soul comes in and engages with it. And there we have, we've added to the realm of kedusha. The same exact idea applies with the soul's engagement with the struggles of the Nefeshav Ahmes. I, I, I think I went off on a little bit of a tangent over there. I, my, I had started off with pointing out that when we can identify ourselves by our essence and not by our misshaped adaptive suit, then it becomes so much easier to identify others by their essence, by their godly core. You know what's interesting? I, I'll go off again, a tiny little bit of tangent, but this, this caught on so much again in, in the parenting world as well. And I've talked about this in the past. I the, the one parenting expert that I refer all my preschool parents to and anyone who's challenging, hasn't challenging challenges with their kids. It's, you know, Doctor Becky, she has her book. Her whole theory is is focused is is founded on this idea. Her whole entire parenting method is called good inside. She's offering this parenting reproach with the most critical premise in the way we engage with our kids. They're good inside Nishamash and Asata Vita Hirahi. They are a divine soul. This is the way we need to see our children. They're holy, they're pure, they're godly. Her entire parenting technique is recognized that since your child is good inside, any time that they're behaving in a way that does not reflect that good inside, it's because they're missing a skill or they're missing a tool. They might shout and they might grab and they might even lie. It's because they haven't yet figured out a better way. We are the adults in the room and we haven't yet taught them the better skill. And like I said, even when they lie, it's just that that's a survival tool. You know, if the consequence of admitting guilt is going to be that your parent punishes you, which a child internalizes in their pure heart, the child internalizes that as my parent is withholding love. And of course they're going to lie, right? They're so afraid of your love being absent. And so her entire method here is to say your child's good inside. This exact idea applies to the way we view ourselves, the way we view others. You know, a sheer, a beautiful, beautiful story about the rabbit describing human nature. And this literally speaks to to to the exact therapeutic approach that I work with the rabbit. There's a story about a professor who came to me with the rabbit and he was complaining to the rabbit about human nature. And he says to the rabbit, he says, you know, from my encounters. I noticed that people could be so they could seem so nice, they could seem charming on the outside on the outset, they might express concern from you, they might show interest in your life, they might even claim to love you. But if you dig a little deeper, on the surface, at their core everyone's the same. They're self absorbed. They're only interested in their own well-being. Why is this the nature of mankind? So the rubber responds with a muscle. He says when someone's walking on the street, everything looks very elegant and appealing, right? You have tall trees, you have paved roads, you have colorful flowers. You have expensive homes. You have fancy cars. Nervous. But then take a shovel and begin to dig a little deeper beneath the surface. What are you going to discover? Dirt. You're going to discover dirt and mud, right? Nothing like that beautiful but very deceptive world that's above the ground. Now at this point, of course, the professor's nodding. He's very excited. The rabbit agrees with him, right? The rabbit is reinforcing his point. But the rabbit continues and he says, But if you don't give up and you continue to dig even deeper, eventually you're going to encounter precious minerals, even diamonds. The rabbit believe that if you dig deep enough, you are going to find the divine in everyone. Now imagine a world where every teacher went into their class viewing each student this way. Imagine as parents, this was on the forefront of our mind every in every encounter with our child, especially in their most challenging moments. Imagine if each one of us saw this in our friends, in our Co workers, in every interaction with them. Imagine we learned how to engage with those parts of them, the diamond and mineral, rather than the mud and the dirt and the weeds. Now, based on everything I shared, we understand the Rebel wasn't just sharing something poetic here. He wasn't sharing a sweet vart. The rabbit really understood human nature. He knew that the rocks and the mud and the weeds that we sometimes see in people are coping mechanisms and the way that people formed to survive, literally, they formed this to get their needs met. You see this in young children, in their in their behaviors, and this continues into adulthood. It's true that now as adults they might be very destructive behaviors, but the rabbit understood the origin of that. This is the Nefeshabamas and it's survival mechanisms. But he also knew the natural state, how we were born whole as a precious mineral and diamond. And that is exactly who we still are at our core. You know, years years ago, I, I did actually, this was probably my gateway into, into the whole world of, you know, the therapeutic world. I did a conscious discipline training with my, my preschool teachers and in, in that, in that training, they have a skill called the skill of positive intent. And I still quote this all the time. The skill of positive intent is we're asked to look at a child and to recognize again that at their core, no child's intent is negative behavior. He's simply missing a skill. He's missing a tool. His, his, his animal soul, his survival instinct is doing what it needs to get its needs met. But here's what's most critical for us as adults. A difficult child, or I I should rephrase that. A child who presents with difficult behaviors is never going to change unless we start seeing them different, differently. Unless we attribute positive intent to their behavior, unless we see them for who they are at their core, their behaviors aren't going to change in the long term. It is our role to see their difficult behavior for the coping mechanism that they are. And it's our role to not only give them their better tools, but to mirror to them that they're not defined by those behaviors. They are precious. They are precious minerals and diamonds at their core. And it's true. This is true as well for the spouse who might be struggling with an addiction, or for the best friend who's struggling with a depressive mood. Maybe here it's not our job to give them the tools, but we absolutely played the role of mirroring with compassion, mirroring to them their inherent worthiness, that they are precious and whole at their core. When we begin to engage with those parts of them, they will start seeing those parts of them more. Beyond Blind Love and Judgment: The Path of Rachamim They will step into their power. And of course, this isn't, this isn't pretend stuff. This has to be authentic. The fact you can't fake this. Which brings us back to what I said before. We have to do this for ourselves so that we can do it for our children and for our loved ones. You know, a couple, a couple of months ago, I spoke for a group of women and someone in the audience raised her hand and she said to me, she says, I love what you're saying about compassion. That was a big theme in my in my talk. Then I remember I was talking about Aaron Nakayan and how he, he, he, he, he taught us this idea of compassion. She said, I love what you're saying. I try to do that to myself. But when I have compassion for myself and I'm struggling with the difficult emotions, sometimes I think I'm just being lazy. Like maybe I have to actually be a little more stern with myself. When I'm more stern, I get myself up from the couch and I get stuff done. Compassion to me feels like I'm being lazy. So I really want to, I want to explain to you what I shared with her because it's very important to understand what is this that I mean when I say compassion? What does it mean to show up with compassion to someone else's struggle? What does it mean to show up with compassion to our own struggles? Because again, we can't possibly do it for someone else if we're not doing it for ourselves. What does this mean? What is, what is this compassion that I'm talking about? Compassion doesn't mean you came to fix their, their problem. So what exactly are we offering? And similarly, when I'm noticing an anxious or hurt part inside of me, a frustrated feeling, how how do I bring compassion to this experience? In the end of Parak Lamodalith in Natanya, the Altrova tells us to realize that within my challenge there's an exile piece of my soul. A part of my soul had to go into hiding underneath this this behavior. And he tells us how we begin by having compassion on that piece of godliness. By bringing compassion, I'll be able to heal the challenge and consequently to redeem that part of me, that part of God, that part of my soul that has been trapped up until now in this struggle. And then he continues in Paraclam and Bees and tells us this, this Paraclam and Bees a chapter about loving another. He tells us similarly that when you see your fellow behaving in a way that's less than ideal, you must have compassion on them. What is he saying? Don't judge them and get disgusted by what they're doing. Rather here again, recognize how their soul is trapped under the survival tool, overpowered by this coping strategy, behaving in a destructive way, yes, but literally a prisoner to their animal soul consciousness. He's asking us to bring compassion. So what is this compassion and this ingredient that the China asks of us? Compassion. And I, I may have talked about this recently, but it's always a good reminder. Compassion is the blend between the two more black and white ways of engaging. It's not blind love. On the one hand, you know, where you only see the good in the person, like the parent whose child is, is, is bullying the kids in his class, but but the parent refuses to see it. You know, my child, he's such a sweetheart. He would never do that. And we, we all do that with our own behaviors too, right? We're blind to the truth, right? We, we can't accept criticism sometimes because we're sure. I would never do that. Like, well, I would, I would, I wouldn't see that if I did, they probably deserved it. Again, this is unbridled Cusset. It's blind love. It's blind to the facts on the ground. On the opposite end of the spectrum, you have Gvora, which only sees what has to be corrected. It's very discerning. Gvora is very discerning, but it's in a judge mental way and that could lead to criticism or shaming. You know, I see what my Co worker's doing and I can't stand her for it. Or I see, you know, within my own self, I, I see how disregulating my fears are and I feel so much shame around that. There's such despair around it. And then what's the the here is the media of Rahman, the media of compassion that the author of is telling us about. It's not blind. It sees exactly what's going on. It sees the dysfunction clear as they like Vora. It sees the facts for exactly for what they are. But unlike Vora, it does not pass judgement on them. And unlike I said, it does notice and it does care about the very subjective details that have to be acknowledged. You can't ignore what you see. Compassion recognizes the imperfection and the awareness of how it formed. So there's no judgement here. I see in your behaviors A coping mechanism. I see in yours, in my own struggles, it's it's an exhausted survival tool. So there's no room for judgement and shame in that equation. Instead, we show up for compassion with compassion for this piece of our soul, the piece of your soul that's literally trapped inside these behaviors. And compassion becomes the first step in healing. When my Co workers offered compassion, when my child's responded, he feels, he sees, feel, see sorry. He he feels seen. He feels validated. When my anxiousness is witnessed with compassion rather than with judgement or shame, it it it begins to soften. This is how it works when a when a a voice is heard, it can stop shouting. When our challenges are acknowledged, they tone down every time. It works like magic. It works therapeutically because this is exactly what was prescribed by the author of it to mimic God's recommend, to mimic God's compassion. And in that process we arouse God's compassion as well. You know, I, it's, it's interesting because we, we, I see this, I, I, I used to meet this in my own system. I meet this today and all the women that I, that I speak with and, and work with, Typically when we, we notice a part of our animal soul, what happens? What jumps in? I notice a, a, the way I'm behaving. I, I have a harsh reaction, whether to my child, to my spouse or whatever it is. What's the immediate thing? That voice that comes in? There's a voice of criticism, an inner voice of shame. I can't believe I'm still stuck here. What is wrong with you or why are you still getting hurt? Why are you being a baby? Get over it. Like those are our internal voices, but these are not voices that fix us. These are just another. This is another voice of the animal soul that's trying to get you to do it better this time, but it's bullying you into that behavior and it doesn't work. When we begin to bring Rahman, when we bring compassion into this struggle, it completely shifts. This is the ingredient that the altar of it is offering to us, and Natania, the critic and the shamer and the distractor and the number don't have to do the job anymore. When I bring the the internal parent, the internal voice of compassion to my struggle, when the godly soul can show up to the struggle, the other voices are like, oh great, the parents all. I don't have to do that job anymore. Earlier, earlier I, I started off by saying that compassion knows no other right. Compassion is this ability to see the animal soul, the ego consciousness, the survival tools for exactly what they are. It's an adaptive suit. There's no shame, there's no judgement. There's just compassion. And when that's the prism by which we view ourselves and others, we easily begin to identify one another by our godly soul. And in that there is no other. He or she is me. We share the same soul. And so This is why the mitzvah to love our fellow is the all-encompassing mitzvah. This is why it's the entire terror on one foot. Because the goal of every Jewish teaching, the goal of every mitzvah, is what it's to get in touch with, to identify with, to align ourselves with the godly soul and to live a life that's guided by and sanctified by the convictions of our godly soul. And this perspective, this perspective is manifest. It is epitomized in the extent to which we could love our fellow. And that is why it is the mitzvah like we started with the hafta lira commercial ZE Claude godola Tyra, because it is manifest in the way that we can show up for each other. I I end my thoughts with that. Navigating Compassion for Self and Others: A Feedback Loop Any question, ladies? Honey, thanks for having your camera on. Hi, Goldie. Thanks for having your camera. Sorry, Sarah. Thanks. You're welcome, honey. You're very, very welcome. I I actually, I should have announced this. What do you think the 12 steps like? Speaker 2 Whole thing of like I'm an addict. What do you think? Speaker 1 It's a great question. I don't, I don't, I, it's a very good question. And I don't know that I, I align with that. I don't know it enough in order to give my firm opinion about it. But I do know that if it doesn't align with what I just said, then we, we, we don't have to see ourselves as that. Some people listen there, there are, there are very different approaches that have to come at this. I'm my my approach is the one that the Alta Rebel offers, the one that the rebel offers here to begin to see ourselves and engage with the the parts of our our core of our essence. Speaker 3 Hi, Can I ask a question? Absolutely. So I've seen, I don't remember where, where there ever speaks about specifically how sometimes the way that we're meant to deal with other people is not how we're meant to deal with ourselves. Like, you know, the, I don't remember, I remember being surprised when I read it. But like when you're dealing with someone, like therapy gives an example of someone who's sick, something that's medicine for someone who's sick could be harmful for someone who's not sick. So if you're dealing with someone who you know is not firm, then you have to give them a lot of benefit of the doubt, let's say. I mean, you're dealing with yourself. You have to push yourself a lot more and not use these excuses. I don't. I wish I could quote it because I might be misquoting it. Speaker 1 It's it's OK, but you know, you don't have to quote. Yeah, I, I think I understand. I think I understand your question, even if you don't quote the exact idea. But if, if I repeat this one, I one thing, tell me, tell me. I think what you're saying fits right in here. The fact of the matter is, look at this back to the story of Miriam Bosvilga. And we are not, like I said before, we're not looking in the mirror and ignoring these parts of us that need healing. Our goal is to bring our animal soul on board to value, to care about, to, to shear in the same passions of the godly soul. That's our ultimate goal. But if we are steadily engaging with that part, think about with your spouse. If you're engaging with the with the faults of your spouse, steadily, steadily noticing it, steadily engaging with it, arguing with it, we're disempowering them. Imagine you could just make a list of all the wonderful things about your spouse, all the beautiful parts of him, the part, the reason why you married him in the 1st place, and start engaging with that part of him. Start engaging with the way he expresses his godly soul. See how see how that see what happens there. It's, you know, it's a nurtured hard approach. Also within, in, in, in the parenting that you know, the whole method is to notice the things that they're good at. I actually recently I'll finish that thought, but I, I have a letter from the rabbit that I think he wrote to my, my grandfather. It was also the same idea to notice the things that they're good at, notice their skills, notice the way that they are able to show up in their best self and just shine the spotlight there. Like just emphasize that part, engage with that part. Again, we're not ignoring the other parts. They need healing. They need to be fixed. But like I said, our worthiness is not contingent on that. If you could just amplify, amplify, amplify, amplify those parts of us, the other parts come on board because they feel the animal sold wants again, if the animal soul just wants safety, if that's its own goal and you start feeling safe in that, in that world, in the world of the godly soul, it's going to come on board. So where would you answer your question be now? Speaker 3 Yeah, I'm wondering what's the difference between how we're meant to look at other people and ourselves 'cause I love to, to say this love of their. I've been looking at the good for everyone else. I have to turn it to myself, but where do we have to demand more from ourselves? Like what do you think is there of his approach about, you know, not not that I want to be harder, but you know, just. Speaker 1 So, OK, so I'm going to bring together, I'm going to make sure to say this very clearly. And if anyone doesn't understand this, if, if I'm still not my message still doesn't not come across, I'm going to have to say it again in different words. Amplifying the godly soul is how we fix all those parts of us. Compassion is not the lazy way out. It's not saying, OK, big deal. So I have this flaw. I have that flaw. It's OK. I'm not sewing up so well in my, in, you know, my Irish and I am. No, it's, this is the opposite. I'm saying we're, we're amplifying our godly soul. We're strengthening it so those parts that are challenged can come on board. And how do we bring them on board? Not through bullying them through a compassionate awareness of these are hurting parts that need healing. And that's how we bring them on board. Like the child who's throwing a fit on the floor are you, And you start to yell at him, hurry up, no, we have to go get it, blah, blah, blah. It's true. The kid might listen in that moment because they're so scared, but they're, they're, they're, they're crying inside or they're going to, they're going to throw a fit leader or they're going to specifically, you know, we, we see how kids act when they're not heard and seen. What, what I'm saying here is you need the kid. He has to get in the car. It's time to go to school or we're going to miss our fight or whatever it is. But you pick the child up and you validate them and you hold their head to your chest and you, I see you. I know you're hurting. I know you're so upset about this, that or the other. We're not, we're we're still have to get done. What has to get done in those parenting approaches that I quoted, We're not sitting and just letting the kids become the parents in the house. There's in a very, there's a very assertive parent home. But instead of yelling at the kid for every mistake they make, we're I'll give you a story. Actually, let me give you a story. This happened a while ago, but I've shared it in the past and so it's popping up in my mind. One of my kids, this was camp. We had these tie dye T-shirts, you know, those very tie dye dinosaur T-shirts. And one of my kid walks out of his bedroom, he's wearing a tie dye camp T-shirt, colorful rainbow color tie dye, right? And like these shorts that are like Plaid, you know, like Plaid shorts. And my other son, who's still, you know, he didn't have his morning coffee yet. He's still a little grumpy. He walked, walks out of his room and he says to his brother, he's like, Oh my God, you look like such a weirdo. Do you really think you can walk out of the house like that? Now imagine I'm going to use this as a muscle and then we're going to we're going to borrow this muscle for our own internal struggle. I saw this happen. I could do one of two things. I can yell at my child and tell him what an awful kid he is, that he went and made his brother feel awful. And in that way, I could try to bully him into not being mean again. Or thank God I had the capacity in that moment. I've messed up other times, but in that moment, I had the capacity to see the positive intent Here. I said, you really don't want your brother to walk out of the house looking like a weirdo. Thank you. Can you say that now in a kinder, gentler way? Let me help you find better words, words that are a representation of your truth, not of your, you know, exhausted survival soul. And just see them. Yeah. You know when you wear a tie dye shirt you should put solid color shorts on. In other words, to recognize and realize that there's this is a good kid. He wants to do something good. Of course, it didn't come out in a good way, but that's 'cause I didn't teach him the skill yet or I haven't made him feel gentle, soft and, and, and safe. And so when he comes out, he's, he's, he's using a grumpy voice. This exact scenario plays out inside of us all the time. I do something that I feel shameful, shame about. I, I reacted not nicely. I, I, I, I spiraled, whatever it is that we all, whatever behavior now, I could come in and yell at myself and go, oh, I'm so pathetic. I can't believe I did that again. Why did I do that? I'm so annoying. I'm so pathetic. Why did why did we do that to ourselves? Or we take a moment we recognize and know as what? Why did I just be here that way? I was feeling rejected, I was feeling hurt, I was feeling afraid. Notice, notice the part of me that reacted just presence with a sensation. Literally put the sensation moving through my body of discomfort and then commit to doing it better the next time. Recognize was it's not. That wasn't a representation of my truth, that was a representation of a triggered part of me. But to bully myself into doing it differently next time? It does. I know for a fact it doesn't work. A for my own system and B from every single one of the women I work with. The bully inner shamer critic doesn't work because we're it's just one part of the animal soul interacting with another part of the animal soul. It's not the godly soul that comes into the picture. We need the godly soul's voice of compassion and a little bit of curiosity rather than judgment. And that's where the shift starts. Does it answer? Speaker 3 Your question, yeah, you're saying what we expect from ourselves might be different, but the path to get there is always the same. Speaker 1 Exactly, exactly. Our goal is to live a life aligned with our godly soul, not to get lazy, but how are we getting there? How are we getting there? Are we going to bring in the voice of compassion or are we going to be bring bring the bully voice? And the voice of compassion is the voice that knows who we are at our core and doesn't judge us for the misbehaviors of the animal soul, but just holds up to a high standard. And we, we still, we're holding that standard. We don't want to like with Miriam Basdolga, she was, she was condemned for kicking them as Behaf because she was held to a high standard. We didn't let her get away with it. That's a whole that that was a whole nuance in that story. We didn't just be like, oh, whatever, she's done a lot worse. Like, So what? She kicked them as Behaf. The whole point here, the whole, the, the, the entire thing over there was that she, the Kamara mentions that detail because we're holding her to the high standard ladies. I, I was supposed to announce this in the beginning and I'm going to, when I edit the when I'm going to edit it, but I see Hani's still on and I wanted to, I because this was last minute, I failed. The today's class was dedicated in honor of Hani Berkowitz in honor of her upcoming birthday by her parents and the posner's from Alabama. They, I, I was very, very moved. I know that Hani's parents realized how much she enjoys and appreciates these classes, and I was very moved that they noticed that about their daughter and chose something that's very meaningful to her and very meaningful to them and use that opportunity to celebrate Connie's birthday. I know it's a big number, but I don't want to know. I don't know if Connie wants all of us to know the big number of her celebration. So I want to wish her. And Connie, I'm so glad your camera's on. I want to just wish you a a decade of you getting to see yourself for who you are at your core, becoming more and more familiar with your absolute truth when you look in the mirror, to be able to identify yourself by that and all the other parts of our humanness that might still show up. Just wave at them, not at them, and say, I see you, you're still around, but I know who I am. And you should be able to live a life aligned with with that truth easily, easily. Absolutely. And a very big thank to thank you to your parents for for dedicating today's class and that honor. The Interplay of Loving Others and Loving Ourselves You're very welcome. Thank you. Any, any, any other questions or input, I'm happy to have anyone else's input here. I have a question, go ahead. So if we have an easier time having compassion for other people than for ourselves, is that a reflection that it's not true compassion? I love that question. I love that I love that question. Let's put put it this way. It's very good for others to benefit as well. You know, like even if we're not there yet, it's an excellent practice. And I actually feel like there's a bit of a loop here. The rabbit, when the rabbit pushed Schlechos says our generations, you know, that like he really was like, this is the idea of obviously, Sir, it wasn't just like a mitzvah that he campaigned on. The entire concept of schloss, which I literally see as like this was this today's generations of Vaida of like just going out and engaging with every single Jew no matter what, no matter who. That was Reba's way of helping teach us this idea of love. So did did he say start at home, love yourself, and then go out? No, it was like a feedback loop. I think that it's, it's like you can't have one without the other. Sometimes we start with loving the other and beginning to recognize and realize and and see the value in another person. And then you look in the mirror and go, wait a minute. If everybody in this room is so beautiful, could it be that I'm the only one who's flawed? If anyone in this room has a soul that has a, has a, a in unbreakable bond with God, could it be that when I misbehave, I'm, I'm, there's something broken about me only. So I really do. Again, this is my own theory, but I think that it's a, it's a, you can't have one without the other. And the rabbi gave us this ingredient where he said, he said, just go out there, go out there and, and, and love, just love on another Jew. And I think that that's for my own personal experience is that that was a great reference point for me to understand what this obviously what, what it means of the, the behalf of the Kamaika. Like I, I, I, I in a way, feel like I, I learned it from the, the, the Schlichter says the reference point. And then I was able to bring it home and then I learned internally what is this compassion? And then I was able to deepen much a much deeper layer in, in in the love that I was bringing to to my community. So I don't. Do you do you follow what I'm saying? Yeah, I do kind of it's cyclical. So sometimes it starts from one place, sometimes the other. OK, Yeah, yeah. I, I really feel that that it's, again, I, I'm repeating what I just said, but I just to emphasize it because it's like, as I'm seeing it, I'm realizing, I'm realizing the, it's the, this is the first time I'm expressing this idea. But but truly, like one became the reference point for the other, the to, to love on my family and my children and myself. I learned from what the way the way the rabbit pushed us to love on another and then compassion that I was able to bring in my own system and then into my own family is what I was able to bring into every every, every single person that I meet out there. I'm, I'm curious if that if, how that resonates with, with with anyone here, you know, if that's something that that feels relatable. I mean, like, I feel like in, you know, this has become a message, you know, in our own schools and in our own communities, you know, within the Chabad communities. Like look, look at the look at the rabbit's message on Chiulas. Like we have to bring that here. Like it became a very popular in vogue thing on Chiulas. And then it was like, wait a minute, the rabbit wasn't just talking about them, he was talking about us. And we learned how to do that for ourselves. And now I think the Avaida is to bring that profound deep layer of compassion that the Altriba talks about and that the rabbit emphasizes over and over and over, to bring that into into every single, every single Jew that we meet. But I do from my own perspective, I had to learn that inside my own system for it to become like what you asked before, like a real deep, authentic compassion. It's not surface level love. It's not just like, oh, I see you, you're a Jew. We're good. You know, it's like this is deep, knowing that at our core we are all one and anything truly anything that stands in between my heart and another is a layer in our psyche that needs to be cleared up. There shouldn't, there should be none. Like true, obviously Sorrell is when there is nothing that stands between me and the other. So any forms of judgement or in any form of hierarchies in any form of, of whatever it is like what, what, what, what, what are we judging each other by? The, the, the, you know, those, the, we all have, everybody has some kind of hierarchies in their mind, like they're good, which means I'm less good or I'm great, which means they're less great. That I, I think that's our the advice of our generation is really, really just cleaning out all those layers in our psyches so that we can engage with each other in a heart to heart space, soul to soul. Speaker 2 So to be a question, at what point? Yeah. So is there the concept and at what point does compassion actually become something where relationships do not hold together and do fall apart? Whether it's compassion where the no, almost, if you want to use the child metaphor where you tell the child, no, you can't have ice cream for supper and no, you do have to go to sleep. And then there is the, you know, the, the, the message is unpleasant for the receiver, but that's the compassion of loving the child beyond the moment in that behavior. Now take that up a notch where you have relationships 'cause as you're saying this I'm thinking, is the compassion different first of all towards child and adult, towards an intimate relationship or a friendship? Like all these can fall in so many different categories. Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, I, I understand, which led to an excellent question. Speaker 2 Is there right? Does compassion also fall in the category where a relationship cannot and should not continue out of compassion? Speaker 1 OK, so this is an excellent question and I'm going to use God as our, the way God relates to the Jewish people. Sometimes as as a, you know, he's going to be our role model. Sometimes he puts us through experiences that feel very painful. Like the example you gave of the child that has to go to bed and can't have the candy or the child that has to, you know, the rubber uses the analogy of the, you know, you have to go to the doctor and then need the kid needs to get immunized. You know, he needs to have a shot. It's very painful for the child. It's hard for the parent to even watch, but we do it because we know that this is what has to happen. God deals with the Jewish people, with Rahman. We know Hashem, kel raham vahanan. We pray to this God of raham it. Go look through the davani. You'll be surprised at how many times we see that word Avinu of Harahaman hamir Rahim Rahim nalinu in that one sentence. God's compassion. And yet you look around and you see things that don't feel or look like that. So we have to realize that when we say compassion, it's compassion is the energy behind the ACT. It's the it's the posture we have when I'm doing this to my child, it's of course, it's compassion when I make my child go to sleep because tomorrow they have to have it be a Mensch. It's true to the child. Sometimes it doesn't feel good, but we have to have that honest reckoning and knowing. Is this coming from compassion when you're talking about an adult relationships, you could pretend it's compassion, but you're the only one who knows deeply and profoundly what's the energy underneath this act? Am I doing this out of compassion? Is this coming from clean neutral energy where I, this is something that has to be done in order for the, for the benefit of, of, of whoever it is for me, for them, for the relationship. So at compassion doesn't necessarily have a checklist of how it looks like I said, as we just as we see in the way that God sometimes behaves towards us from our animal souls perspective, that's it. There's there's pain. But from the godly souls perspective, it's like, oh wow, like if God is a good God and everything that God does comes from a place of goodness, then he clearly couldn't have gotten this done any other way. And so this is the most compassionate way to bring me to the next stage of my life or to the next and there to help me, you know, find my truth and find my core. So does that Does that answer your question? Speaker 2 Yes, somewhat, which I'm understanding. Then the conclusion is not like you said, there's no script for what compassion looks like. It's the source of where you're coming from, but the outcome could be very different. Sometimes the outcome is a good outcome and sometimes it's an unpleasant outcome but has the compassionate good element, even though it's an unpleasant choice and decision that has to be made absolutely. Speaker 1 And, and, and hopefully that's that, you know, like we know with, with God that hopefully it eventually we, we should be able to see, you know, we wait it out with patients and, and, and trust God's timeline that eventually we should be able to see how this was compassionate. You know that I, since I, since I'm using you know that these analogies, I do want to emphasize that the rabbit off very, you know, always the Taiwan Arava negla, the Taiwan Arava negla, our hope and prayers that we should see it in a way that our five senses, that our human senses could absorb it as compassion, but as not. But if, if our godly soul knows, and if we, you know, we know deeply that God is a God of compassion, then clearly what he's doing, even if it doesn't look pleasant, it's the most compassionate way for the 6th, for whatever has to happen for our soul's purpose. And I think again, when you and I do things and the way we engage in our relationships, when we stand with integrity before God and, you know, literally as we make the choice, we want to be doing this in the cleanest, most compassionate way. And we know that it might not look that way to the other as long as we're being honest, you know, really like you can't fake compassion. Either it's authentic or it's not authentic and there is no checklist, correct? Speaker 2 You know, it just came to mind as you were saying that. I don't even know why I jumped in that in my brain, I thought, I just thought of what's going on in ertzi straw and all these, these, these. I like, I cannot even read anymore When I hear someone else's child that, that had to give that to be that, that had to be Meister nefesh for what's going on. I don't know. I, I like, I, to me, it's like I, I work very hard to stay very aligned with a Noid Movada. This is your, this is your world. I, I can't, I don't understand it. I don't see Bachla, what's going on? You know, I just went from, like, I went to a global level, from a personal level to a global level. It's. Speaker 1 OK, it's OK. This is all it really is all. It's all part of the same. These are all mirroring the global things mirror our own internal, you know, like the, the the hurt and the peen and the gulls that we see outside is the same hurt and peen and gulls that we experience in our own in our own microcosm. And it all comes back down to the same message of like we have to trust. We just have to trust that being a novate and recognizing reals, that our human senses are having human experiences. And we have to bring a lot of compassion to those parts of us that are hurting and that are, are desperately asking God to show it to us in a way that is Peteva Narava Negla. But I do I really believe that it's all it's all what we see in here. We see out there. It's like depending on what glasses we're wearing, we're going to either see the, you know, we'll see it from the animal souls perspective, or we're going to be able to tap in to trust and, and, and able to engage with this story, whether it's a story of my own internal emotional struggles or in a relationship that's challenging or the Jewish people's struggle. The, the, the, the goal is to be able to see it from this expanded capacity, from the expanded consciousness, from the lens of our godly soul. So it all works. Like makes sense that your mind jumped there. Hani, you were going to ask something. Addressing Bullying Through Modeled Compassion and Self-Awareness Are you still on? Oh, there you are. Do you want to sure take take a minute now. Thank you all so much for being here. I appreciate it. OK, there you go. Go ahead. Speaker 4 Sure. Had it unmute. OK, there we go. I have so many thoughts. I'm trying. I'm trying to know what the first one was first. I was just going to say it's so much harder to for me to have that compassion with someone that I'm closer with. I know you touched on that, but it's just like it's so real. It's, it becomes so much more real, like every, everything that's could be nitpicked. It's just so hard to encompass. Speaker 1 It to ask you a question. What think to yourself what is the goal? When you're nitpicking? What's your goal? Speaker 4 Well, so for like something happened this morning with a neighbor of mine, let's say that I'm really close with and I the way that I reacted like she sent me a message and then I, I felt my whole body react a certain way. So I knew something like that was it threw me off like that? I don't know. I guess like when I say nitpick is more like when I feel when something throws me off and I'm like something's bothering me, then how do I deal with it? Speaker 1 So the reason I asked the question about nitpick is because I wanted to point out that the reason, let's say, you know, I was imagining, let's say it's a spouse or a child or, or, or a sister or a mother or whatever it is. And we, we do those nitpicking things. It's because at our, we just want them. We want to push them to be better. We want to see if we could just point out to them this thing that they're doing. We think that they're going to change. And it's the same thing within ourselves. When we, when we're hard on ourselves, we're really just pushing us to become better people. But what I'm emphasizing here is that that doesn't it, it's not, it hasn't been working. It hasn't been working. We have to use this other approach, this approach where we're identifying them and steadily empowering them into their truth. We're we're, we're trying to help them become the best, most adult version of themselves. Speaker 4 If it is, if it is a family member, like you're with them for life. So if I'm spending the whole time like finding compassion, which with some that does happen sometimes, then it's not that I don't see the good in them. I see so much good in them. Then I become that I feel like I'm just like, I'm very, I'm a very forgiving person. So then I'm like, am I too forgiving? Like what's like, where's the balance of like blocking it away? And like, sometimes I feel like the compassion I'm giving is just like I'm giving it. So I could like just put it in the back of my brain and tell myself like. Speaker 1 Right. So it's it's a nuanced approach and totally follow what you're saying. It's a nuanced approach. What I think the main key underlying take away is to do what the rabbit is to see us for, to see each person and ourselves for who who we are at our core and to build that part up. Because it's not, it's not a pretend thing. It's real. It's very, very real. This is who we really are at our core. And if every like, I'm sure there's, there's clinical data out on here and you know that the secure child, what is the secure child? It's the person who had someone from the get go steadily mirroring to them who they are, steadily reminding them that they're worthy of just being. They don't have to earn their love. They don't have to prove themselves. They don't have to shy away because it's unsafe to, to, to take up space like that. That's what we're saying here, that each one of us has to serve as a mirror to the other, the way the rabbit served as a mirror to our generation, that each one of us has a piece of my Sharabeno inside of us. And he just, he said like, like the, the message, like I had shared about The Mirage limb, like just we can go up and we can overcome. Like that was a steadily saying, you're much bigger than your challenges. You're not the sum of all your broken parts. You're much greater than that. And so it's, it's a nuanced approach, but it, it has to be very authentic. It's not like I'm going to be nice to you so that you could finally start acting nice. No, it's like I have to really see you for who you are so that you could start seeing yourself for who you are because I'm serving as your mirror. I'm the person who's most engaged with you. And if I'm mirroring to you every time, all The Dirty parts of you, then that's all you're going to see. But if I have the capacity to mirror you, who you are, at your truth, then you'll start seeing that. Speaker 4 This is something that I you start suggesting, you know, you're just saying I'll sing it in me or the. Speaker 1 No, but if you could mirror to them who they are, but but when you start engaging with those parts of them, when you focus on those parts of them, when you speak to those parts of them, instead of noticing the fault, noticing the flaw and engaging with the flaw, you engage. You're just you like literally have to take a moment. We center with their soul. We center with the adult part of them and engage with that part. Speaker 4 Thank you. Speaker 1 Again, I, I'm acknowledging that this is like a, a big idea and we obviously have to filter it down into very, very practical forms. And we could, we could continue to do that. I can continue emphasizing this as we go on in the in, in, in our classes, in the Tania, because this is this is the theme. This is the theme to Lahalis and official goof like this is the entire theme of the Tania Kaya. Were you going to ask something? Yeah. Speaker 4 But are you ending the recording? Speaker 1 I can ladies, are we done? Do anybody want to ask another? Any other questions? Happy to end the recording. Speaker 2 No, a quick question. It's me again. So let's say bullies because that is so prevalent now with the young kids in schools and the peer pressure and the bullying, you know, combined what what is a a Mahalik direction to be given to those that are being bullied and to help the bullies who Nabok are for whatever reason, not. Speaker 1 Seeing, yeah, you know what, Brockie? I, I, I always, I'm just like, you know, I'm speaking from my own store experiences and examples of what goes on in schools and yeshivas and that. And to me, it's like it's a top down when we as adults, when our kids start overhearing the way we engage with other adults, when they begin to see how adults engage with adults rather than how adults engage as children. The the it's it's like it's a. It's an approach that has to be modelled. Speaker 2 Yes. Speaker 1 It's wonderful when teachers can tell kids what they have to do, but when they are are, you know, with gossiping in the hallways and, and, and manipulating each other and undermining each other, then like what do we expect? So it's like a top down approach. It's like shifting in the consciousness, the shifting in the behaviors, right? Speaker 2 And and I'm with you on that, Sibi, and and when I work with the principals, I tell the teachers you are the students and your students are the teachers. Watch and learn what they need and align it. However, in in within that and how true and idealistically sounds like the only cheetah to go with. But you do have and there are moments where you can either give something to a bullied child in order to be able to hop to grab the moment in its in its, in its reality where what is that? That in almost in childlike form, because that is all of us. We're all just childlike. The inner child of all of us is what's getting triggered. And I would love to have that tool to give to the students that I work with so. Speaker 1 That they can, you know, Yeah. I, I the rabbis. The rabbis method is this idea of Maida ani. That's why this, the rabbis, the rabbit talks about this. It's like fascinating. It's like, it's just simple. Tefila the rabbit talks so much about it. And this is the first thing we teach our kids. It's literally the first prayer we teach our kids. I've made the tarativa, but Maida ani, it's the idea of the rabbit says we have to teach our kids for the first thing when they wake up in the morning. They have to know Nishamash and Assad to be Terry Maidani. I mean, I'm adding, I'm mixing up two prayers here, but the, the kids need to know that I have a soul inside of me. Like this is a, this is a, this is approach from, from, from early childhood where we are mirroring to our children who they are at their core. This whole good inside parenting technique. If we as the parent or as the adult or as the teacher are steadily mirroring to the child, you're not a bad kid. You're just having a hard time or, you know, like, instead of shaming the child for their behavior, you know, I, I, an example I've used in the past also, this is just because I witnessed this and I've, I've used this in the past. So it's a great example. A kid runs into the ice cream store. You know how it is on, on Kingston Ave. You run in and there's like a line of 40 people. So the kid gets in, runs to quickly get online. And right behind them is a woman pushing the stroller. So I overhear the mother shaming the child and see that was so not nice. There's someone behind you. You have to hold the door open. What did I just, what did we just say to the kid? You're not a good kid. You're so selfish. Like, why didn't you notice? Meanwhile, instead, we have to just say the kid you were so excited to get online. It's such a long line. You didn't want to have to wait an extra 10 minutes. Next time, be careful when you're closing a heavy door. Make sure to check behind if there's someone else there. You hear the same thing. We're trying to we're teaching the kid how to be a Mensch, but with a completely different approach. We're focusing on who they are at their core rather than on the the mistake that they just made. So it has to start from a young age of adults who know who they are at their core and stop shaming themselves for their behaviors, and then they'll stop shaming kids for their behaviors. Speaker 2 I was just going to say it's. Speaker 1 An authentic. Speaker 2 Conversation, right? Right. Speaker 1 We, when we, and that's what I was saying, like when, when you do this in your own system, first of all, when you do this in your system, you learn how, but also you see, you see how it's so it, it doesn't work. There's no other way. There is no other way that works. And if we're so used to bullying ourselves and we're going to bully everyone else around us. But when we learn how to how to see ourselves for our truth and and be more compassionate for the parts of us that are not yet fully on board. Thanks. Thanks for joining us, Phoebe. I would have loved for you to think, you know, open up your mouth and share your wisdom. But thank you for being thank you for being here. But when we, when we learn how to do that with ourselves, it becomes our nature. And that was what the rebel was pushing. That's what the rebel was pushing over and over and over. When your, your eyes are open to this, you're going to start seeing this in every one of his talks, just emphasizing who we are. That's like, we are a nation of priests. We're a holy nation. Like, like it's not a hypothetical theoretical idea. It's not a philosophical concept. It's it, it trickles down into every into the way we have to see ourselves. We start acting that way. When you know who you are, you begin to act that way. Not only become lazy, I'm a topic so I can sit on my couch and put my feet up. No, when I begin to see myself for, for my truth, I start living up to that standard. Like I was saying to you honey before when we engage with our spouse or our child or our our our Co worker or our neighbor in that way, when we start seeing them for who they are, they live up to that. We empower them to become who they are. Speaker 2 Yeah, which likewise brings like. And then the triggers that trigger ourselves is the invite to even do that for ourselves. Speaker 1 Exactly, exactly the feedback. I'm gonna I'm gonna close the recording so that we have any, any questions. I wanted to come in again. Thank you. Stop recording.