Speaker 1Whatever came out of results week, whether your child is celebrating, disappointed or somewhere in between, the days after matter just as much as results day itself. Today I have three conversation starters, actual sentences you can use for any outcome to help your child feel seen, steady and supported. I'm Dr. Mary Han and this is how not to screw up your kids. However results week has gone in your house, I hope you are doing okay. However the results have gone, today's episode is for the days which follow. Because results day itself gets a lot of attention. What to say, how to react, how to be in the moment. But what about the days after, when the immediate emotion has settled a little, and now you need to actually talk to your child or teen about what comes next, or about how they're feeling, or about the result that was not what they hoped for. Today I'm going to give you three conversation starters. Not just vague advice, actual words which of course you will take, you will tweak, refine with your voice. Because sometimes you know what you want to communicate, but you can't quite find the right language. And so these conversation starters work whether results were brilliant, mixed or disappointing. They work for GCSEs, they work for A-levels, and quite honestly, they work beyond results season. Anytime your child has faced a significant outcome, a disappointment, or a moment of uncertainty about the future. Now, I want you to think about your child's bucket right now. Whatever results week put into that, whether that was relief pride, shame, disappointment, confusion, grief. Whatever happened, that may well have changed. Grief particularly about the plans that have changed. What we are doing in this episode are looking for ways that we can help them to empty that. And then what they can replace it with is something much steadier. So here are the three conversation starters. Number one, this is an opening for when you need to start a conversation. You just want to kind of open the door a little bit and just let them know. And so it's for the days after the results when you want to check in properly, but you are not sure quite how to begin. And this is especially useful if your child received disappointing results or if things have been quiet and you sense that they've not yet fully processed it. So these are my words, remember. So this is just a guide and then obviously you will refine, you will tweak it. But as I say, it's often we kind of know what we want to say, but we don't necessarily have the language. So you might say something like, I've been thinking about you. I know results week was a lot. I just wanted to say you do not have to have figured it out yet. I'm not asking you to. I just wanted you to know I'm here and there is no pressure from me to be OK before you're ready. Now, what this does is it opens the door without forcing them through it. And it removes any pressure to perform, to be resilient or to recover. And it makes it explicit that your support does not have conditions. So let me just read it again. These are my words, remember. So you will want to try and change it to add your words. So it sounds much more like you. I've been thinking about you. And I just wanted to say you do not have to have it all figured out yet. I just wanted you to know I'm here and there is no pressure from me to perform. And it removes just wanted you to know that I am here and there is no pressure from me or from us to be OK before you're ready. Then stop talking. You have opened the door and let them decide whether they want to walk through it or not. And if they say, I'm fine, that's OK. You've planted something. They know the door is open. And I would encourage you if they have said nothing, if they've not wanted to have a conversation, then try again in a day or two. And if they you might say something like, I'm still thinking about you. The same offer still stands. Yeah. What we're doing with this particular conversation starter is just continually, initially being really explicit that the door is open. And then we want to keep going back to it, that the door is still open. We're not pressurizing them. We're not saying anything to follow it up. But we're just simply opening that possibility for them and then creating the space. So when they are ready, they will talk to us. And my experience is it's quite often at the most inopportune moment, but they will talk to you. So that's conversation starter number one. Number two is a conversation starter that is much more a comforting conversation starter. And this is for when they need to feel better, but you do not want to dismiss. So this is for the moment when your child is in distress. They're upset about their results. They're anxious about the future. Maybe they're grieving a plan that has now changed. And the urge in this moment is to reassure. It'll be fine. Everything works out. You're going to be brilliant. Resist it. Not because those things are not true, but because reassurance before we've done a true acknowledgement of how they're feeling and the experience that they've got and those really deep feelings. If we don't do that, if we do the reassurance before we've done the acknowledgement, it tends to land quite hollow. They do not believe it yet because they need you to meet them where they are at. And if you rush in to reassure, they feel like their feelings are wrong or that they've not been validated. So instead, we might want to say something like this. This is hard. What you are feeling makes complete sense. You do not have to feel better than you do right now. And you do not have to figure it all out today. Let us just be here for a bit. Yeah, you're acknowledging that that feeling is perfectly valid and that that is OK to feel that right now and that they don't have to bulldozer it and move straight on to a solution. They can just continue to feel it until they're ready. Now, what this does is it validates without amplifying. Yeah, so we're validating how they're feeling, but we're not kind of making it large. And amplifying it, it normalizes the feeling without getting stuck in that feeling. And let us just be here for a bit is an incredibly powerful phrase. It communicates presence without agenda. I'm here. Let's be in this. I'm not going to try and problem solve for you. I'm not trying to fix it. I'm just going to be in it with you for now. Then if it feels right, something physical, maybe a cup of tea, a walk, sitting together, watching something. Do not underestimate the regulating power of just being in the same room. So let me just read this again for you. It's a conversation starter that has my language and you will use it and adapt it and modify it in a way that feels comfortable for you, that works for your child. So it may be something like this. This is hard. And you do not have to have it figured it out all out today. Let us just sit here for a bit. So conversation starter number three, and this is much more a forward looking conversation starter for maybe a few days later. So this is not a results day conversation starter. This is not even for the day after. This is for when the dust has settled a little and your teen is ready to think about what comes next or what might come next. Or when you sense that they're stuck and they need a gentle nudge forward. Now, the key to this conversation starter is that everything is a question. We're not providing the answers. We are opening up their thinking because a plan that comes from them, even with your support, will be held onto much more firmly than a plan that we provide. So here is the suggestion of the conversation starter again with my language. I've been thinking, when you're ready, what does the next chapter actually look like to you? Not what we planned, but what do you actually want? What options haven't we thought of yet? And what would it feel like to build something from here that is yours? So something like that, what we're basically doing is we're posing questions and we're offering an opportunity for them to think about things in a different way. So you can ask one of these questions or maybe all of them. It's up to you as to how you know your child, you know whether one question is sufficient because too many questions would feel overwhelming or one question on its own doesn't really speak to all of the areas. And so giving them multiple questions gives them something that they can then use and respond to. So you can come back to them across multiple conversations. You don't necessarily have to do them all in the same conversation. But the point is really not to find the answer in one sitting. The point is to shift. from grief from disappointment from shame from embarrassment about what did not happen and move towards that some sort of curiosity about what they could not should but what they could do next agency is one of the most powerful things that we can restore in our teen particularly a teen who has just had something not go to plan questions do that in a way which advice really doesn't so let's just go back to what that conversation starter sounded like so I've been thinking when you're ready what does the next chapter actually look like to you not what you planned what do you actually want what options haven't you thought of yet and what would it feel like to build something from here that is really yours they're really powerful questions now one thing to remember across all three of these conversation starters is that we do not have to do them perfectly our teen does not need perfect parents they need present ones they need to know that you are paying attention to them that the relationship that they have with you is safe regardless of the results and that your love is not conditional on how results week went you know we all say imperfect things we all mess up to some extent and so will they that's okay what matters is that you keep showing up and that is the thing that they will remember now this Thursday we are turning our attention to September specifically the one conversation I believe every parent ought to consider having with their child before the new school year starts not a pep talk not a lecture something much simpler and much more powerful than either of these things now if you have a child of any age starting school or going back after the summer Thursday's episode is for you so I will see you then and that's everything for today be as kind to yourself as you're trying to be to your children you don't have to get it right every time and the fact that you're here learning and growing already says a lot for more episodes like this please subscribe to my channel and all the resources to support you head to drmaryhand.com I'm Dr. Mary Hand take good care of yourself I'll see you Thursday
PodcastTranscript AI