#278 - Lesson I’ve Learnt Being Logan’s Dad

Hey everyone, welcome back to another episode of Chasing Optimum. Jackson, hello, hello, I've really deliberated on this one because it's been this is a tricky topic but I tell you one of the things that's spurred it on is I've been asked by a lot of quite a number of people if I'd join their mental health organization maybe because I'm a mental that but and I just it's just not my thing you know like when I say not my thing I'm happy to share stuff but you know I didn't want to join an organization or what I mean because of Logan like they say you know what happened Logan and then they're like can you join our foundation can you do this and then one lady can't remember a name she started fully attacking me because I said look now I appreciate it but I just no and then she just started going like fully attacking me you know oh you think you would because of Logan and this and that and and just I had to I think I've locked up yeah so it was but I understand it at the same time like I understand why people ask and it's but I also feel like mental health is such a personal thing too and it's such a I don't know how to explain it you know independent thing yeah like you know and then you I'm not sure I'm not sure how best I can help there apart from lead by example in my own life and share things that I've learnt along the way and that's the the basis of this podcast I thought we could talk about what we may maybe you know Logan's journey a little bit but also what we would have done differently I'll tell you the really hardest thing is like he was a young athlete me as a parent learning the landscape of an athlete young there's no handle and I was just watching other parents and sort of seeing you know should I be real tough in this area and not tough in this area and how do you how do you actually give them an opportunity but without there's a lot of lessons I've learned so many lessons so that's probably one of the things I'd want to talk about and then you as his brother yeah you can give I mean you were in it from the beginning as in like you were born but we spent every day on the on the beach fighting every day we'd have great times and bad times and yeah I don't know I think looking back on everything it's you kind of just wish you would be different I'll a bit of a mean older brother yeah I was like I remember we're in the car one time driving and anytime I'd play a song and Logan would sing it I'd skip it straight away just because I didn't want to hear him sing it and you'd like look think back because he loved music yeah he did we had the same taste of music too he did move both in the same kind of aspect there but terrible dancer but love music yeah but he uh yeah so this is not just to like talk about Logan it's probably to help parents and maybe brothers and sisters maybe you know it's I've I tell you why I'm doing it today because the impulse isn't going away like I was even yesterday all day before do you think I said Jack do you think I should be doing this one and because it could be taken both ways like you know like well when I say both ways it's I want to keep it in a lane that's helpful not just to talk about waffle on about something you know in inner pour us sort of way that's not the intention at all like it's it's yeah I think I've learned some pretty harsh lessons because of the whole thing so when he was like about four he stood on a surfboard in the rock pool and then instantly I was like he doesn't stand like everybody else like that's I could just see he just had this thing about him you know and I was like I reckon he could be a pro surfer I know Jack in my head I was like he just got this center of gravity that you know the kids like get up fall off like you all the kids surfed and whatever else and I was like so then I was like like as a parent I'm like okay well maybe I need to create an opportunity and it's like putting your kid on a piano or you with a camera yeah yeah I mean same as you with a camera I used to say Jack you you put a camera in your hand you take photos like no one else you know and it'd be your hell do you seven or something yeah eight yeah but eight I think because I started you got me into surfing I remember it was a real big one day in the like push me out I cried the whole time I was like I'm never surfing again yeah yeah yeah yeah it turned off yeah it was like now so yeah so anyway Logan started surfing with all of that and then he got better and better and better and better and I used to I gave up surfing and wore flippers and pushed you him on and him on and he couldn't swim so I just used to push him on a wave and then get the next wave and hopefully get there in time and grab him before he stayed underwater too yeah um and but then he was I could see he had this well I don't know if he's that's exactly right this fearless thing that developed later but he would go out in anything with me yeah and I'd be bobbin around out in the water he'd be five and five not five maybe six and seven years old and people were coming out going gee that kid unbelievable like you know see you sort of got spurred on a bit more because you know he had this sort of he loved like just pushing things right to the edge sort of thing including me yeah yeah definitely yeah he did and then you were he's full-time for videography he's whole life on and off yeah yeah perfect yeah but when you when you were and weren't fighting yeah and then um and so Phoenix did football so let's talk about the kids there's you as the so your mum I was married to her very young yeah yeah and we were married like five years or maybe not even so there's how we mum was 18 or 19 18 when we met yeah 90 when we were married you'd been 25 90 when she saw you or something yeah and then it's all a bit of a blur to be honest like yeah the actual dates um so you're the oldest there's Paris the next yeah she's the oldest daughter yeah she's she's like Logan number two yes yeah that her and Logan were the most similar yeah and then it was her and Logan and Phoenix and I and Phoenix and yeah we never were the same I think until well Phoenix is the smartest of the family yeah he got his head spirally intelligent so there and so the dude Paris Phoenix Logan they're the first four yeah and then Phoenix played football he plays professional football now and he's I don't know he's doing some university degree cyber security yeah he wants to work in France like he's just the most together out of everyone yeah he plays football he and then still works for five years and works in a bar yeah he's yeah I don't know where he came from but he's Murphy Richie there's Logan and then your mum and I broke up and then um when Logan was just before Logan was born and then um there's two more kids get and Tiana yeah so your mum married Richie yep had two more if I really like get on well we're really well with him had two more and then I married Shelley had two more yeah and then we all broke up again yeah and then your mum married Karen um Karen Karen yeah who I really liked it when they get on with the husbands yeah better than her I was like yeah we all get on pretty good all the husbands and then um and then I married Tara so yeah and then your mum Karen has two more kids Jordan and Emerson and then I have some with Tara like 12 kids total yeah yeah yep so your whole lives I when your mum and I broke up I couldn't do every second weekend because I was too far away from seeing you even I was very young and I just had no idea myself I just missed you guys too much and I used to wake up and be like I can't stand not being with them so um I used to read your story every night at your mum's house I remember yeah every night and we used to do the dragon remember the dragon and the witch yeah and all of this and then um but then I said your mum cannot can we have them three nights every week so every week we had half a week each pretty much yeah and then without laboring the point too much then that worked for a long time and then Logan's surfing became very like demanding and school was difficult for him super yeah and then he was like you know he's a good looking young kid so you were getting lots of photos lots of filming he was surfing big waves I mean he was surfing caves which is a big wave spot at nine years old it was exciting you know I was exciting and then I think the more as a parent I was like well you know I have to create this opportunity for him and if I'm really honest I probably wanted him to be more of a pro surfer than he did when he was young because I could see that he's talent and then you filming him like he had the whole thing going on yeah and I just worked real hard so I could provide we had an awesome opportunity there you did but I feel like I'm when you're that young and it's kind of just like not that we were told to do it but we didn't have that vision ourselves sort of thing we didn't come up with that idea and I think like it kind of loses traction over time and like you get older and girls come into play life happens and I'm partying whatever and then it all kind of just falls apart sometimes it does well you take it for granted especially the kid you don't know yeah you have no idea you know like it's and then then he's social media so we started you know you were posting on social media then I was I was sort of doing it yeah posting it and whatever and then he got like a decent following like 30 40 thousand and I was big back then big Instagram wasn't yeah anything but I reckon that was a mistake I think so from me I reckon it was a mistake and I reckon it was too much pressure for him because he he didn't like he liked the attention he's an he was an extrovert he loved competitions yeah he was an amazing free surfer but because he had trouble concentrating putting it together in a heat he'd either get tens or ones yeah like he it was just with this or this yeah like there was no one extreme to the other yeah and he used to surf against other kids so since he was about seven he was competing and I was never a competitive surfer so I had no idea about the landscape even though I grew up with surfers and things like that no idea but pretty far on for kids like there's for one in a good way they people surfing you South Wales surfing Australia you know um he sponsors and things or when I say sponsors when you're that age you just get given product yeah no it's not but it's cool to have a sticker on your boy you want the sticker more than you want the products they being sponsored when you're younger is like the coolest thing yeah so there was a bit of a push towards that and um because you know you wanted to be one of those cool kids and as a parent you wanted him to be one of those kids as well there was probably like about 10 or 20 kids maybe I don't know how many but they're all just traveled around to the comps like a almost like a junior junior junior junior junior pro circuit yeah and they all had coaches and things and different stuff so I was like oh okay if I'd create this opportunity and that opportunity and then I watched the parents of the you know the ones who knew what they were doing and I was like oh and some were like real intense a lot of tough parenting going on tough tough parenting I remember a few and others were like cruziers yeah and I'm like what do you do here and then so like an Amy his coach he's been she been his coach his whole his whole life I'm like well I don't know what I'm doing I need to get a coach and Amy coached him from almost the beginning of surfing yeah she became like really like a second part of the family yeah and then so it was like this thing was expensive yeah like every trip every comp there was a way was like at least seven to ten grand plus well whenever the surf was pumping as well you just send us up to Queensland in Queensland we're in Queensland every second week sometimes like literally just man Logan on our own up there just like filming and surfing half the time we didn't even film yeah and I think I just I think I pushed too hard to create the opportunity because I could see it like now looking back I would have and there's probably more advice from a parent I probably would have let Logan be more rounded like because I used to get him up every morning for surfing early so I used to surf with him yeah and he was a like real rock hard slafer I was hungry he was I couldn't ever wake him up he was but I didn't understand yeah I didn't understand how important sleep was then yeah at all like I used to be like no you got to get up at five in the morning and you have to put the hours in because I was reading books and I was watching people and I was you know even myself in real estate work work work work work work yeah but he wasn't ready for that like I should have been more rounded he liked football and he liked we love music and dancing and things I don't mean you've never been a dancer but he loved boxing and MMA and he loved soccer I think he played I was just wanted to play I was like yeah even with football I can't remember all the things but I probably should have let him make the decisions more around what he wanted to do but with surfing because it was becoming so full on I was like well if you play football one you got to do that and it'll take away from the comps sometimes but to the injuries like you know you get you pull this pull that it was a very hard I didn't understand the landscape I just didn't I was like if I just work real hard I'll be able to you know give him opportunity so do you think looking back that you or at least talking to other parents that might be in that similar situation you'd just say let let the kid kind of be a kid yeah for sure I would and I would with that with boundaries yeah you know like I would have still I don't know I would have still given him the opportunity of surfing but I would have been had a longer-term view you know it's like everyone was trying to be a pro surfer by 14 yeah it was a mistake there's like a four-year everyone talked about this four-year like period where it's like from 14 to 19 or whatever if you don't get in then you can't get in it's very true yeah so everyone I was talking to in that world was like nah if they don't make it by 18 or 17 or something over yeah okay right so like I'm thinking every hour that you're surfing you're getting better and better some days he'd surf for 11 hours straight you wouldn't take any with his mates and school and stuff he wouldn't even go to school and you know and I wasn't there like well I was a bit sometimes like yelling at him depends you know like I think you got better over time as you got older but when he was younger I feel like you were like I remember at some of the comps like if he had a bad heat he'd like walk up the beach like that because you wouldn't want to come near just in case like he's like oh dad's gonna get angry but I feel like that's a part of like being a parent in sports like I didn't know what to do like I didn't know because like and had a very strong mind like I mean like he was like a ball yeah you know he would sit in a rip and paddle for half an hour and instead of getting out and walking around it he'd just paddle like he was he was a very is a working unique kid yeah I've never seen a more mussely little kid in my life like he was there's something different about him I don't know what it was but I probably didn't tune into he's a very soft kid at the same time yeah I didn't tune into that side I tuned into the other side like push yourself and I think I think he um I think he wanted to he didn't get to explore much like he was you know surfing surfing surfing it looked great on the outside but I don't know like I didn't really you know tune into his tiredness or you know just even like just do you think you know like you love fishing yeah you know this sort of stuff but I and I'd be like I watch you all these parents and they're they're all doing the same thing they're all down the beach every day or day let you know and I'm like okay well that's maybe what you're supposed to so I was doing a bit more than that if we can or the windiest howlingest mornings we're still down there you know out there and I'm out there with him surfing but if you look now though like in like we see some of the kids that surf with Logan now like around they're on tour a lot of them aren't they a lot no summer summer on tour but like some of them are like yeah some of them aren't lifeguards or like construction or whatever and their dads were the hardest ones that were pushing them as well there's some very hard ones yeah like I was I think I was tough like I you know some heat so I'd be like what the hell did you what you're doing because he'd be like he had a real problem reading the waves you know like like at school he would he just couldn't concentrate playing the simple he just could not concentrate looking back now his diet was no good so I would have he was terrible yeah like your mum used to get Indian for you guys all the time Indian if I have to I thought Logan was going to turn into an Indian but it was serial every day every morning for breakfast terrible yeah he's yeah but all our diets were like that before terrible diet like at our house it was reasonable wish but it's only on what I knew so it wasn't great and at your mum's house it was like you're all fighting eating whatever you wanted to set a lot the pantry in the fridge because a lot all like animals yeah I used to get mayonnaise and like open it and squirt it into my mouth as a snack to see that I would have changed help these diet I think it would have helped his mind a lot more but he just I was at school the last year that he was at school I was there 52 times because he just couldn't concentrate yeah and he come home one day because when he was about 13 I he ended up living with us the biggest mistake I reckon that your mum and me mate so your mum met Kiran did that at whatever I took Logan and Phoenix full time and your nann took you and Paris full time and Jett and Tiano took went to Richie's full time breaking your kids up was the biggest mistake that I made I reckon I reckon it affected everyone yeah not not just Logan but it did but all of you yeah it's the biggest mistake why do you think well I think you were so used to but you were a little gang you know as dysfunctional or as it all was you sort of I think had a bit of solace in knowing that Logan's in the next bed next to you and Paris is over there I think when you all separated got a bit messy it got a bit messy yeah I agree I was going through a divorce you name took two I took two I think I think that was the biggest mistake that I made I should have just got a big house put you all in it yeah well that was kind of when um Paris and I had free reign just to that's when like the drugs you went off the rails yeah drugs came in to play like I was stealing like full just craziness after that so yeah I think you're right I'm sorry about that yeah here we go so I think Logan um it developed a lot of anxiety yeah I really do I saw it in him you know and it was it was difficult to watch him sort of you know he was fine but I he sort of went I think when he got to like 16 he went a bit darker yeah you know he went a bit darker and he just um things changed well when he wasn't around you when he kind of like when you guys had your big fights or falling out sort of it's like what role models do you have here me and Paris who were like addicted to drugs and partying all the time it's not like he had like a like a like a solid I guess Phoenix was there even Phoenix was a bit disconnected back then he was kind of just doing his own thing Phoenix he's a bit of a lone wolf yeah but now he's like really he's coming out yeah he's good now and then bringing Phoenix if you try to ring the other day do you remember back yeah he's hard he's hard to get on too there's no reception on the go Chris at the moment right um but I think yeah Logan didn't really have a like that's where I think I kind of could have been better like could have stepped up to be like an older brother but I was just this rat bag you went off the rails big time and you and I didn't talk and I think this is one of the things that I I sort of live in a little bit of regret with um you and I didn't talk for two years but one day you rang me and said and I just wouldn't back down unlike Jackson you're stealing you're lying you're like you're stealing off your grandparents you're doing all sorts of stuff and I'm like mate I sat you you worked with me I sat you and I was I was I'm not I'm not back and down you pull your head in and well I can't make you but um and then Logan sort of went down the same path when he was older not always sort of knew was in him because but he was the most honest out of all of you and Phoenix but he was the most I think he's a little bit sneaky I think he used to go through our wardrobes but yeah but he uh Logan was the most honest if you had five bucks and he had five bucks brought at home he got like you know you would have been buying vapes and things and stuff like that but then he just I think he just you know started hanging out different people um drinking that sort of stuff um and he always used to look at you guys and said dad I'm never going to be like Jackson yeah and Paris never drinking and drugging and all that he said I'm never going to do it but um I think he I think he got tired of the push hmm not just from me but from life like you know the constant going going going he was working from like seven years old yeah he was like he no sleep-ins like no nothing I mean we were we used to go knees day yeah I mean we made that knees day vlog I was like violently hung over and Logan I remember trying to wake him up you know like just didn't want to get at the bed yeah I feel like and some people are made for it and eventually it kind of like crats cracks yeah covers those in people I probably looked too much of myself and was like no you got to go because I never had anyone showing me when I was a kid and I worked it out later I'm like I'll imagine you know if I'm just push push pull come on come on come on come on here I knew we get there yeah but it sort of worked the other way I think you had the right intentions but it's like but I was a bit heavy-handed yeah I reckon I was a bit unaware didn't have a lot of empathy around where he was at you know and what he was going through in his head as well I was like just hey just you don't do it again you know that sort of thing yeah I think I mean you can give your view on it oh I like I don't know I think it's like a tough one like um even well you you did it to me sort of thing like you want me to do the same thing push and I just like that stuff yeah I don't care I'm gonna go work and then I went in worked and got a real job and like knocked doors for two years and then I went and did fire alarms and I was like this sucks this is the worst and then that's kind of when I realized the opportunity that I had in front of me I just feel like Logan never realized how big that opportunity was I think I gave him too much yeah I think I gave him too much like I did I he it was like he was working hard but I was giving him like I'd buy 10 wetsuits 12 wetsuits at the time so I'd never had a wet one yeah you know like too much maybe the the feeling of earning it he didn't actually ever learn probably I think he kind of thought everything just comes into play I remember when we went to Queensland within on a surf trip it was like probably a year before he died we um it was last time I spoke to him and we were staying in the Versace or something it was a very nice it was nice I tell and then we were we were there and he was like oh he goes oh this isn't mean he goes this is too fancy for me anyone had him going you stayed in hotels like he told your whole life so it's changed I feel like he kind of like when he did his own thing he kind of created a new personality for himself or became somebody else he did and um yeah I think I just don't really think he ended up valuing himself uh towards him and I don't think that's anyone's fault I just I think it's more of like a combination of um because we had a very crazy life going up there was so much going on like like parents here parents there step parents grandparents like yeah dad to christmasers and it wasn't a bad and also sorry I just before I forget this point I do want to say your mum and I got on really good until you guys were about what 11 or something 12 and then and then she just didn't want to talk to me and I didn't want to talk to her like sort of thing and then because it was all as manageable till then and we were both very critical of each other yeah and even to to you guys and I think that was a huge no no yeah it's we each it what how we felt about each other should not have I think you guys felt that a lot yeah and the division between us just got bigger and bigger and like not you're mean your mum and I we just didn't talk we went from even though we were divorced getting on and doing whatever yeah to and that that's the thing I've I reckon I've learned so even from my last divorce benefit divorces but even my last divorce surely and I still get on we talk about kids and things we keep it very you know steady yeah whereas your mum and I went from you know this all this thing to just like literally just being so critical of each other I should have shut my mouth she should have shut her mouth and just been made you guys the priority yeah not how we felt about each other 100 percent I completely go over that I remember being younger and it's like it's sort of like it crats teams I think for any parents I think if any parents are going through some sort of divorce with kids like leave the kids out of it because I remember it's like we've got like at least me I kind of felt like your own mum's team or dad's team like it's like there's no and the kids wouldn't so if you come hang out with me the other kids wouldn't talk to you yeah and then you know whoever was hanging out with me is like yeah created this divide it wasn't good between everyone yeah it was like that's probably a good thing to not do I'd say at least like it like you can admit it you know that was wrong yeah bad thing and but just life I guess I think in life and why I'm saying all of this is more as sharing advice as to a parent if you've got a kid that's like gifted in one area all that has a bit of a talent let them find their way a bit yeah giving the opportunity be their guide them you know whatever but if they want to play soccer let them play soccer if they want to play football let them play football they'll find out it'll click in one day what they like with you you know the camera I knew it was your thing but you ended up doing that yourself yeah I created opportunity like bought the gear along the way and stuff like this now you know you're on the verge of creating your own media company yeah but that's been you but you you also planted the seed I did I'm yeah I helped the opportunity yeah it's like the seed was there I remember when I was doing fire alarms and that's sort of when we started talking again and you offered me that job and I was like gave the to hold two weeks that I had to work that last two weeks to finish the job or whatever all I thought about was taking photos and videos shoot this shoot that shoot the other I just find it um cool exciting I guess when you're doing something that you hate and then you think of something that you're doing that you like it's all you can think about sort of thing like you just want to go towards doing that and I think that's where the passion comes from like it's developed so yeah I think your job as a parent introduced the kids to things and let them find out what really resonates because I think yeah I did I could see we all could see like Logan surfing was so exciting yeah it's amazing let me panic amazing yeah it's so good but it was you know he was struggling with the putting the comps together but it was just gonna take a while so instead of making him feel like like what the hell what waves were you paddling for Logan I probably should have just been like man don't worry about that's next one life I was a bit yeah I was probably not balanced enough in in the guidance as a parent hmm but being neutral yeah be supportive we're supportive but I was also a bit I felt like you got to be a little bit critical a little bit yeah like not like you can't just be like oh he's a trophy like he came last yeah good job I feel like a bit of critical critical's okay but yeah I think um because I was harsh on him too like I try to coach him on surfing as well and he would be like go away you know nothing about surfing which I didn't but it's like I can see how that happens watching it until you're actually doing it yeah I think the thing that I learned in life about that is don't give people advice unless they ask for it yeah that's yeah I like that if they're asking for it give them advice if they don't don't because they're not they're processing it themselves yeah no and like you said about before developing the hungry it's the loss is great the hunger half the time anyway a thousand percent yeah it's they're a good thing last thing I want to end on is I should never have stopped talking to him we didn't talk for the last year because he was just doing it it was out to prove a point to the whole world about what he wanted to do in life and all that sort of stuff I should have probably just kept talking to him you know even though I tried I did try and it's just like it was like what are you reading me for yeah I'm like okay I remember it was an awkward time couple of days very weird but um I think as a parent especially as they get older they do want you connected to them yeah they do and whether they say they do or don't they do even if it's just a text that they don't that don't answer yeah you know it's probably and I cut off his phone like he just went so like when you go I bought all you guys a carriage Logan wrecked his in about three months I lost 30 points on his license and he just left it on the street on went home but I'm just sending highway it's left it yeah so where's your car so I've broken down it's doesn't work anymore or something like because he just burned it all out yeah like when I say that then the engine or whatever because he was just a rat bag I was talking to him made of his um he used to work for you guys and um he was like mate he goes getting in that car with like and was that scared of him apparently he'd like literally drop the clutch like on the top of the just go like try to do burnouts on a front wheel drive yeah yeah and then red line at the whole way he was with him when the car broke down yeah he said he was just flooring it up that street and just stop I think I just got the records to come and get it I can't remember I bought him another one but he yeah he lost 30 points in about three months and he's like I'm never seen anything like it unbelievable anyway so when he was like you know he moved out and I said I said do him don't move out and so he was just so I didn't know what to do like it cut his phone off because I'm like I'm not paying for your phone he's going to be such a dinghyling yeah and then I felt like a cold war it was like a cold war it was like you do that yeah you'd like sever the communications and then he'd come steal his car and he'd garage and like there was no like actual real confrontation because when you guys went at it like it was full on it was full on like I remember I was on my birthday you guys had a big fight it's you were both it's because you had both this similar people like you had the same kind of ideas but clash a lot I think that's why you're in Paris at the same yeah so I probably just should have stayed connected with him but look not that that's going to change anything and this is not about like well was us or anything like that it's more looking back I think there's a lot of valuable insights that maybe if you've got a kid that really wants to do something in life let them do it and yeah you know be aware that now Flora his middle sister she sleeps at like 12 o'clock in the day and she's I just let her you know like it's do you think that because she's your daughter that's a different than her son no I would have similar done like like if it tied it tied like I think like I pushed Logan pretty hard yeah and social media I would have I wouldn't have done what I did with social media and buildings presence like I would have done a bit like you would have filmed and we wouldn't put stuff on there but not as many photos of himself photos of himself and stuff and I thought that's what you need well that's what everyone was doing at the time to build a brand and all this so I really did I thought you know I was looking at other people and and even in comps I would have comps and stuff I would have probably still created the same opportunities but I would have been whatever happened happened like it's I wouldn't I would have taken the pressure away still being if you wanted to know like how do I win or what do I need to do but I would have having understand that it's more about giving it your best than winning yeah like I really think that that's something looking back that I would have probably had him feel more because I feel like he felt everybody including myself his our expectation was he should have been winning yeah but he just wasn't ready to and it didn't matter anyway like it's just as long as he was out there learning and you know given it another going getting back out and doing another going I think that that that would have been a more valuable journey than the trophy at the end even though he really wanted it it would have come well what pro surfer didn't one pro surfer go through that Mick Fanny or something they didn't win a competition till though 19 or 20 or something and even with the sponsors I just would have like just let it all happen rather than force it a market our way there or you know get a tent like it just it would have just naturally more gone like that but I just honestly didn't really understand the landscape I would have probably just been it I don't know like I would have probably just done it the way I thought rather than trying to watch people and going oh they're copying doing this I don't know I would probably wouldn't I don't know I don't even know how to explain it but I don't yeah I would have probably let the coach decide a bit more because Amy was very rounded yeah and she knew the landscape so I probably would have just let her go this is how it all works and I would have just been there for support and create opportunity I think that would have been a bit better yeah so as it's very hard as a parent jack there's no right or wrong way you'll work it out one day but they're diet I would have I would have got the diet a lot better so you know I hope people got a little bit out of this and this is more in response to all the people that have been asking me to do the mental health stuff I think you know there's a lot of layers to it there's one particular thing but we do miss Logan that's for sure yeah and thanks for all you did with him as well thanks that see you day