250 Episodes of Dolls Being Dolls with Trixie and Katya

hi everybody we need to address the antelope in the room yeah what is that it's my primary abuser oh is this this the incident you should have had your wig on i'm protected by a wig did not have my wig on well it's at home usually don't do wigs at home um you see that yeah no oh shit ripped off wait a minute did that break off when it hit you it sure the fuck did i feel how heavy it is yeah oh my god so it was up like 20 pounds it was up like yeah maybe 15 15 okay maybe 12 i don't know it was heavy but it was like up like imagine it freaks me out oh yeah it's really creepy also oh no oh wait oh oh oh oh and that thing is dead and it didn't that thing doesn't even know that it's a star now a star is born so gross i had to get a tennis shot i had to get stitches i have a lovely scar you know i'm gay why do you think i give a shit about you and your taxidermy when you have these shoes on let's see the shoes holy shit i love these maybe get the shoes get the shoes rochester new york really cute really cute really cute i'm getting taps on them baby i if every cell in my body was incorporated not to rhinestone them why would you do that they look great on their own because i'm a fag i guess but you wouldn't have worn them you wouldn't have worn rhinestone shoes no no no i'm not that i'm not that maybe i'm not that gay maybe i'm not that gay um but you know i because i am older right getting older and i'm sort of like i'm at a crossroads where actually i'm overdue to be at this crossroads we're like are we gonna talk about your personal style no oh we're just talking about i wasn't gonna talk about it i had nothing to say on the subject go on i need to be i i you know after 40 you should or one often you know thinks about slacks rather than jeans this is yes but you know what i mean like maturing up your so this is about personal style yeah theoretically i agree because at a certain point i like i don't know i i'm at a point where i'm like when you're my age and you're bald a t-shirt doesn't hit the way you think it does well at the gym it does at the gym it does at home it does but in general i don't know what do you feel about a super oversized t-shirt with the shoulder off and no panties on at home yeah why it reminds me of the mom in poltergeist which is like that jersey yes love poltergeist me too most poltergeist what's her name i'm joan um uh the mom oh angelina jolie joe beth williams joe beth williams joe beth williams and craig c craig t nelson craig t nelson and what is the craig c riley who's that john c riley oh craig t nelson carol ann daddy's gonna give you a spanking boner instant boner angina carol ann boner oh oh was that you oh yeah people people who people who know where i am right now yeah texting me can you talk well yes you can to me i'm about here literally keeping these lights on thank you i and speaking of lights i have sunglasses on because i have two black eyes oh that's tough what happened i don't want to talk about it right i'm just kidding i don't like guys the reveal yeah imagine if there imagine if there were no eyes what's going on girl i love those glasses by the way oh thank you i got them in the tiktok shop what is this tick i don't want to know about it it's this beautiful union of me me hi me on me on a gummy is it team me on a gummy and me seeing something and saying hey and you know what the real for people like me who have no personal style it's it's my cat my um catalyst is if i see a person in an outfit and they don't look half they only look half stupid i'm like maybe that could happen for me yeah because the thing about being bald is you got to stay in your lane you got to know that everything with a bald haircut changes i know i can't really there's no boy next door that's bald that boy is sick that's i was gonna say jimmy fund right in a movie like the boy next door who's bald is powder or has cancer yes so or a lovely monk the golden child i think what you do the kind of gothy thing i think bald or not bald is great yeah when you're alternative you can get a lot you can get away with a lot oh my god because you don't want to be jeff bezos you don't want to be jeff bezos no did you say mustache i would sooner and alive i love mustaches you do love it it's an immediate launch it's immediate yes for me so do you think the how many how many notches up the the hot skill does a man go when he rocks the mustache i'm sorry does it depend a full click really a full notch absolutely can you give an example superman which one superman which one christopher reeve no the middle superman henry cavill yes when he had a mustache i was like well now we're now we took we took we took chocolate cake rich bruce bogtrotter chocolate cake and we dumped cocaine on it and so we're sniffing and eating it's we're boofing we're boofing we're completely boofing what about speaking of superman did you see the woke superman the david corn sweat one corn sweat corn sweat his last name is corn sweat corn corn sweat c-o-r-e-n-s-w-e-t i loved it mary that man is talk about i mean i don't know about the movie i love i love nicholas holt love him oh my god nicholas can i say i know we don't have guests anymore nicholas you better come on the youtube channel yeah i love him i've loved him in everything he's one of my celebrity crushes warm bodies eight x-men eight superman eight nosferatu eight chomped yeah um uh the world doesn't seem to be received by superman eight superman eight superman eight even frankenstein frankenstein i don't i when we saw it early cutting i saw it super early i thought we would i thought it would be like what heated rivalry is well no one's like changing their twitter bio to frankenstein movie you know i think because we enjoyed it in that you know we get the movies like that like you know i care a lot that uh chopped up was so cunt i watched the whole thing not as quite frankenstein no uh oh i'm saying like when we watch a movie on netflix we get the so all we got was cunty me a goth outfit after cunty me a goth outfit after beautiful set piece after beautiful set piece right but like just in terms of the story i don't know yeah but i mean those outfits every time she was on screen you're like can i jump into the future a little bit we have we just filmed this video yesterday that okay remember we had luscious on this pot yeah luscious masker you guys remember icon legend the best don't remember how she said she would you said will you do my makeup but she said i'll do you but it's like a little one too remember she said i'm gonna get you in and out of this makeup station in 30 minutes yeah remember she said like the girls are spending too much time doing makeup yeah i did a video yesterday where i said i'm gonna take 30 minutes i put a timer on my iphone and i said i'm not just gonna like stop at 30 i'm gonna make sure every step is done in 30 minutes cunty not cunty beautiful fine good good even check it on youtube you guys i couldn't believe it and now i'm like remember how we've talked about when you rush at our face 45 minutes you're like what have i been doing now that i've touched 30 and been like i mean i finished in 25 and had five minutes to go blend and like oh touch things up yeah yeah well here we do like bald and the beautiful those big stages no meet and greet i'm kind of like well here's the thing though i i i like to i like i like to i like to relax have a little cocktail do you take my time kamara hall eight hours mary it's actually jake's monsoon she does the first she does the um the the paint she does like she does like a marine layer she does like the earth's mantle the crust you know what i mean she's doing like she's color blocking pouring foundation blends it all out and then starts she takes like maybe i think jinx you can you know you can correct me remember how to use your phone um i think she when she came over my house i think she used maybelline dream matte mousse do you know about this i sure do that hockey puck i sure do and i love maybelline we both have maybelline uh fit me foundation on today yeah and i have it and i'm well you can't see mine right underneath it's on did that bump ever go away it did right excuse me remember the hair from uh um oh yeah huge bump oh yeah huge was it herpes was it ingrown hair no that was that was a that was a fucking devastating ingrown hair devastating remember how it was it was purple fucking disgusting mary it was because underneath the surface you know the evil lies underneath it's it's a twisted root of a tangled hair disgusting the fruits of the devil there is a i have chronic pain there is a release there's something diabolical about being in drag and your base level is not 100 healthy because mama if you're sick if you're in pain everything if you're at 100 you get into drag you're down to 30 down to 30 you are in pain yeah that's the i was just talking about this with somebody it's like with it was like you the paradox of drag is that the more you know as the steps progress and you become this cuntified version of yourself the the the comfort level degrades so drastically drastically that it's at odds with that feeling for sure you know what i mean and you start to lose the battle yes you the pain starts to overtake the awareness that you're this hot bitch yeah especially with movement too like if you are corseted and padded and then wigged like you're not like twyla tharp you can't you can't you can't do lucinda child no you can't elvin - No. - You're like. - I, you know I'm doing all the music festivals this year. Some of them have been announced, but I'm doing a bunch of them. And some of them are in the summer, like in the south. I don't know why you do this to yourself. But I called Amy, my costumer, and I said, listen, because originally we were going to do for the show a bustier with a sculpted cups and stuff that we would like pin things on for quick changes. And I called her and said, I just don't think. So Bonnaroo. Bonnaroo's in Tennessee in the middle of summer. Why the fuck would anybody do that? Why? So I called her and said, I just don't think we can put me in a corset in like 100 degrees outside. What you can do, get one of those Japanese cooling suits. They exist. They exist for workers are wearing these Japanese cooling suits in Japan. Oh, yeah, baby. Look it up. Google it. It's a thing. Also, to the point of sweating, I have a revelation that I would love to share with you. What is it? So I had a gig. I guess I can't talk about it right now, but it was a wonderful, like, dream gig. TV. TV gig. I don't want to say anything, but we both got the TV gigs of our lives. Yeah, we both booked TV gigs on shows that we not only love, but that are objectively incredible. We only got the jobs from years of saying how much we like it, which is so much better than auditioning. I have to say, just beg to be on things. Don't audition. No. Just at every turn, cheat out to the camera and say how much you love the show. That was the move. I was invited to be on the show. Because I said no. I'm just kidding. They wrote a part for me. Mary, and I memorized the lines. I did. Anyways, so, but I went to a costume fitting. And then I was, like, spiraling because the outfit was so incredibly hot. So it was like, it's over. It's absolutely over. So I went to go get out my stitches. You start crying. I almost did. I went to go get my stitches out at that fucking crazy concierge place, and I said, hey, baby. Hello, Miss NP, nurse practitioner. I did a little Googling this morning. What do you think about glycopyrrolate? She's like, what? She went and did a little Googling. There is a. There is a medication that anesthesiologists use during surgery to help stop secretions in the body. So, and the off-label use for this is, it stops sweating. You stop sweating. I was like, this sounds too good to be true. She sure did write me a script for that, and I went and picked it up two hours later. It worked. Baby, were you hot still? I was hot. So, yeah, here's the thing. I went to the gym the night before to test it out. I was like, I'll go work out, go in the sauna, see what the T is. It didn't work. It didn't work. It didn't work. It didn't really work that much. But if you are not exerting yourself, it's for event-specific hyperhidrosis. Like, if you have a business meeting, for example, and you are sweating buckets. Oh, this could be great for my panic attacks. No, no, no. I mean, wait, are you joking? No. I'm serious. Yeah, yeah. Because sweating is a symptom of, like, an anxiety attack. Of course. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, like, you know how a lot of people are just like, they get crazy sweaty hands. They got to shake hands with people. It's like a huge liability. What is it? Hyperhidrosis. Hyperhidrosis. Yeah. And that's when you're bald. Balls are so big. Are just so huge with saline. And purple with saline. Yeah. And they drag behind you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's the snail trail kind of effect. Are your nipples wired? Are they? You always, you never answer. Because when people want to touch my nipples sexually, it does nothing. It's like. Mary, I. I feel like I let them down because they love to touch the nipple and be like, isn't that intense? And I'm like. Like, you might as well just, like, suck on a brick wall. It's the same thing. Right. Suck on a brick wall, bitch. I have a friend. If you, if you, if you like, if you blew on his nipples, he would just jizz all over the place. Right. It's like nice. Isn't that nice? It's always the sober guys. Oh, he ain't sober. Oh, damn. TikTok. TikTok. But wait. So, I, um, so I, I took the medication and got to take it on an empty stomach. Very important. Very important. Very important. Side effect, dry mouth. Very dry mouth. So, took the, took the med, did the scene. And there was, I had, I was. I was a little bit physical at the end of the scene. Veena comes over. She's my assistant. She goes to, to blot me. There's nothing to blot. Oh, interesting. Are you going to use this at Netflix? We don't sweat at Netflix. No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I mean. What about live? We're literally just. Well, so I can't use it in a club because it's, because I'm moving around. I'm like, you know what I mean? That's what I'm, I'm worried about your body having an adverse effect if it can't sweat. That's, well, so that's, that's the danger. You can't. You can't overheat. Yeah, that's what I would worry about. So you can't overheat. But, but not when you're on a TV set, not really moving around for a limited amount of time. And this. That's the perfect scenario. Well, I mean, think about it. Like, imagine you're giving a TED talk and you're terrified. Right. And there's hot lights and you're in a sequined catsuit. I would take it for that. I have a real question. Yeah. If you could give a TED talk. First of all, would you go to the TED talks if you could? Would you go to the, to watch them? Well, it depends on what's, who's talking. A single drop of blood. Would you do, would you, what would you give it on today? Today I would give it on. That's a good question. I would, I would give it on. No, I would give it on. Recording 250 episodes of the podcast. Oh my God. No, I would, I would, I would, I would, I would, I would. Wait, let's go back to that. Congratulations, by the way. Let's celebrate that. Mary, congratulations for the win at the Golden Globes on Best Podcast. Oh my God. I couldn't believe it. I was so, I was shocked. Can I be honest? I was shocked. Y'all, y'all can make fun of me. I believed we could be nominated. I don't care if that's delusion. I believe in us. Shoot me in the head, bitch. No, no, no. Millennial optimism right here. I'm happy we're nominated for a GLAAD award. I lost it for Trixie Motel, I think, three years ago. We're going together. I'm still mad. There's strength in numbers. This is the two I think we got to take down. Maybe. I think we got to take Luskulch down at the knees. Down, yeah. You know? And now Bowen has quit SNL, so he needs the work. Karen, who's fucking funny and nice, I'm going to have to push him down a hill. That's okay. So these are the three people we're going to have to take out. Amy? Oh, no, we got to take out Amy, too. Both of Luskulch and then Caleb. And Amy. And I think that we could scoop the GLAAD award. Bob the Drag Queen has like 16 GLAAD awards. Can you and I get one? Thank you. And why are there two A's in that word? Glade. GLAAD. What is it? Gay, lesbian, and. Alcoholics Anonymous, divorcees. Gay, lesbian, alcoholic. What? Anonymous. Divas. So we're going to do that because I'm going on the show with you. Is it here in LA? Okay, so Katie and I are nominated for a GLAAD award. And we will be attending that ceremony dressed to kill. Honestly, when I saw Caleb and Luskulch, I was like, this is a hard thing to win. It's hard to win. I disagree. 250 episodes prove. Yeah, so what? They got Lady Gaga. No, this was me. They got Tina Fey. I got nominated for a GLAAD award a couple years ago, and I went. And to me, I think if I go and drag, that maybe I'll win. I think there's good karma to that. Mama, if you both show up dressed to kill. And I'm talking really murder. We're going to murder people there. Well, this is not this award show. But there's some award shows that are smaller, the ones that I get invited to, where if you show, you do have a higher chance of winning. Also. And they kind of almost tell you that. Yeah, they're like, hey, we'd really love to see you. Yeah, are you going to be coming? It might be really good for you to come. Yeah, you probably want to sit near the front and wear some comfortable shoes. Right. So I would love for us to win a GLAAD award. We're going to. And I'm sad we didn't win the Golden Globe. Because when we were nominated, most people would have thought, that means you're probably not going to win. But I thought there still could be a chance. I mean, I've never felt so shocked and betrayed in my whole life. Amy won, though. Yeah. Amy won. Amy Poehler. Shout out to Amy Poehler. Yeah, whatever. No, I'm just kidding. Great pod. I love that when she talked to Gwyneth Paltrow about what time they love to go to bed. And eat dinner. I just saw Gwyneth. Not in person. I saw her in a movie. Wait, it wasn't a movie. Mario Supreme? It was a documentary. It was about that woman. What? It was Orgasm Inc., that documentary about the woman who, what was it called? What was the company called? Susan Powder? No, I watched that, too. We need to talk about both of these. I'm sorry. I love Gwyn. I love Gwyneth Paltrow. I'm on the Gwyneth train again. Orgasm Inc. Okay, One Taste. One Taste was this company. It was a company where, I'm not kidding. Now, some of you, trigger warning, grape, grape, grape. So, that sounds disposive. I didn't mean it like that. Rape. This is a documentary talking explicitly about lines being blurred at a sex-positive company. Oh, shit. Wait, wait, wait. What company? What are they selling? It's called One Taste, and it was started by this woman. And her whole thing was like spirituality and being connected to the universe and the power of the female orgasm. So, people would pay money to show up to seminars. Where she would, like, talk about, like, kind of MLM style, like, the self, your success, whatever. And then she would get a woman on the table, take the pants off, and some guy would stand over and do this. And make her come in front of everyone. Okay. It was always guy on girl. Okay. And then at a certain point, there's cult elements. They're putting a snake on people. They're wearing hoods. They're jerking it off. And then at a certain point, the only people paying to come were mostly men. So, then the women who work at the company are like, I guess I'll go to the class today and get jerked off. Kind of crazy. Really crazy documentary. That's wild. I mean, I wouldn't take a sex workshop unless it was given by Annie Sprinkle. Who's that? She's a sexologist, eco. She's a performance artist who does, like, she did a fun thing called a public cervix announcement. She makes love to the earth. She's really amazing. Huge boobs. Wonderful person. What about, like, a passion party being thrown by Condoleezza Rice? What about if you went to a living room passion party and it was condolence? It was Condoleezza Rice. And she brought out her dildos and was just like, let's go, girls. And then she tickled the ivories and spoke Russian because, you know, she's a woman. she can do that. There is a special time that I feel like we missed out on as adults because we weren't women and we're not like, passion parties. Passion parties. What are you talking about? Passion parties. I don't know what those are. Tell me, tell me. In small town USA like where I'm from. Like Tupperware parties? Yes, but they're not selling Tupperware. Oh, baby. So the women come over and then somebody's like sassy friend. Right. Oh, I know what you're talking about. Is like, ladies, you're not coming enough. Yeah, get the rabbit out. Yes. Yeah, hook it up to the generator. So this is kind of chattering to you. It's sex based business self positivity vibes, but it's like a performance of sex in a room. That's a perfect storm. So yeah, it was. And the people who used to work for this company in the documentary were very forthcoming and very blatant about what they experienced. It was a very shocking documentary. It was crazy. Nothing eats, nothing touches, nothing touches the Susan Powder documentary. Right. Nothing has ever touched it. I mean, are you old enough to remember her on the TV? No, never heard of her in my life. Oh, I was there. Oh, I was there. And obviously the insanity did not stop. No, I mean, I very we're kindred spirits. She's, I think, driving Uber in L.A. or in Las Vegas or something. Driving Ubers. Yeah. The Stop the Insanity was huge. Huge. Well, it was really interesting because she was like, I have no issue working. I have no issue driving Uber. You gotta work. When she was younger, her managers and agents, etc. all took at least half of what she made. Damn. And they own the name Susan Powder. There's a scene where she's on the website looking at Susan Powder fitness items. She's like, I don't get any of this. That's my name. None of this goes to me. Rihanna. That's why she don't make no music. It was so. Obviously, this woman was traumatized by all this happening to her. That's so fucked up. And Jamie Lee Curtis produces it. And they get together and, of course, they're crying, right? And I'm crying because these two women are crying. And Jamie Lee Curtis is like, I've always thought if anyone would play her, it'd be me. I was like, do it tomorrow, bitch. Do it tomorrow. I need to see Jamie Lee Curtis as Susan Powder driving Uber in a feature film. Yeah. It was a great movie. And I hate stories about like when I read Michelle Visage's book and she talked about seduction, her touring for years and actually leaving seduction in debt. They took all her money. Michelle never got anything. Michelle carried the costumes and steamed them for everyone. She was opening for Milli Vanilli for years. Stadiums. Michelle had, I think she said she got less than $1,000 a month for pay. It's unbelievable. The music industry is so evil. And they made these, the first successful interracial girl group, they made these women feel like, you're so lucky to be here. You're a star. Don't worry about the money because you're just so lucky to be here. I've heard that before. Michelle just ended a huge run with that band, like with no money. Years of her life. It's so fucked up. And also like just the dissonance of performing to stadiums and like Yeah. Do you guys want to go in on some Cheetos later? Like it's crazy. Do you think about touring? I do. Lately, I don't know what's wrong with me lately. I really miss touring like a scripted show with you. A scripted show? I have like fantasies about doing Trixie and Katya live again. What about? Is that crazy? The word is fantasy. I'm not saying I'm going to do it. Is she? But you know what I miss? I miss the body microphone. I miss being backstage, us all in the costumes, talking about what we had for lunch and then we just go out there and do it. I miss the curtain coming down and you doing that and then people screaming. I miss that. Yeah, yeah. And you know what I also got, which I didn't deserve? I got to walk in that show first and I got to stand on stage alone and get the first clap, which Baby, I love that. Was amazing. And then you come out and it's a double clap. I love being second fiddle. That's my role. We're not second fiddle. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. I'm Ed McMahon. You're not second fiddle. You're Johnny Carson. This is what I'm very, you know what I'm talking about? I'm a piccolo. Light, dainty, cuts through. You're a tuba. I'm an oboe. You're an oboe. Yeah. I love oboe. If you're going to sit here and talk shit about double-reeded instruments. Bassoon? Do they have the thing that goes like that? Yeah. Love that shit. Love bassoon. Girl, can I tell you something? I think I've told you this before. Who cares? When I was in school, we had to go to something called music convocation. Every Friday every music student had to go to the amphitheater and watch some area of the music department play a show. Maybe this week it's singers. Maybe next week it's a string chord set. It's fine. It was zero credits. You had to go. It's every Friday at noon. Whatever. One week it was around Halloween and it was bassoon convo and you guys, bassoons are just funny sounding. Oh yeah, you've shown me this. No, no. Keep going. I forgot it. No, fuck me. I think it's. No, I actually maybe. I don't know. I'm going to see if I can hear it. Was it like. Yeah. Well, I want to try to find the bassoon sound because people don't know it's just a funny fucking sounding instrument here. Let's hear a bassoon. It's a fart. It sounds like farting. It's too funny. I love that. It's like farting. So you're hungover, you're 19 and it was Halloween and they walked out with Halloween masks on. Horrible. That is so fierce. And they sat and guess what song they played? Take me out to the ball game. That's right. I could not handle it. That's so fierce. I was like, is this real? Is this real? That's great. We should do that. Play bassoon? No, take me out to the ball game for our next show. Take me out to the bald game. The bald game. Love. I keep walking by your old house. I know you do. Oh my god. This used to be my playground. I take a picture every time. I don't know why. Do you know that that. That's so weird. You said that song because when you sent me that picture, it was like this used to be my playground. Used to be. I literally had the whole League of Their Own montage in my mind. I thought about driving home. It's like, oh, it's like 545. The sun's about to set. Fucking cranking it up. El Contento. Picking off pedestrians. Oh, it was beautiful that time of day. It's amazing. Mama, charging up to the top deck to goon at that fucking sun. It's amazing. It's just so beautiful. From the street, I could see your old pergola. And it's just bathed in sunset light. I was like, that is. That's end of life care up there. All those gore. And on your way up, you get all those different flowers, like, always in bloom at different times. All these different species. Some great yards up there. Difficult parking, but some really pretty yards up there. No parking. Yeah. No parking. No sidewalks. You want to get hit by a car, go up there. Yeah. Do you want to. You know what I love? My favorite thing was counting how many fucking stupid rich fucks would wear head-to-toe black, walking their dogs in the middle of the street at night. With a black dog. With a huge black lab. On a 40-foot leash. And not just black, but let's say, um. Outfit the color of the pavement. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. And full makeup, the color of the pavement. Laying down with stripes. I mean, these people want to be hit. Jumping out from bushes. And then when you come up on them, the audacity. They have their headphones in! The headphones in! The headphones, Mary! Headphones in the ear! That's fierce. She wouldn't get out of the cock-a-doodie street! You know what I do when I'm up there? I have the, um, the meta-goggles that have the glasses with the open-ear speaker. Okay. So you can hear the street and the world. I do my ghetto blaster, my boombox. Do you? Oh, I love the JBL that's the clip for, like, going for a walk. That's noise pollution. You think? People do it at the reservoir and I think it's kind of cute. It's noise pollution. You think? I do. I mean, imagine on the subway. That's different. That's different. But, okay, so memories. Memories, memories. I was gonna say, you know what you need to do? What? You need to go up there like Jennifer Lopez. Oh my god. Did you ever see that clip of her walking by her hotel? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Where she goes, I used to live here. And the guy goes, oh, you did? Okay, bye, lady. And she's like, who are you? What's your name? And she's like, Jennifer. Jennifer. And he's like, Lawrence? Or no, he doesn't say anything. But you should go up there and be like, I used to live here. And they're gonna be like, yeah, we always wondered who lived here. It's so weird. We saw the shit stains. Right? It took forever to get them out. Why did you do that to the yard when the interior looks like this? Yes. Mama, not to put them on blast, I hear they're very lovely, the people who live there now. Very lovely. I hope they enjoy it. It's a great house. So the, I, you know what, I drive every once in a while, because I used to go to my friend's house in the hills. I would drive by, you know, very slowly, and then drive again, drive by, very slowly. Just two or three times a day. Leer in the, leer, you know. Pull in the driveway. Yeah. Run the car. Just like, um, I peeked inside a few times, but the windows are open. Did you ever go use your old shower, just for old time's sake? What if they came home and you were, like, extra sizing? What if they came home and I was spread-eagle naked on the pergola? I wish when you sold a house, there's a sunset provision. Like, you can use the house half-time for a year. Oh, yeah, yeah. You can have the house, but mama, that pergola's mine. I come with the house. Free gift. But also, like, well, the thing is, from my neighbor, I've heard that they're so nice, I could, if I asked them, I could go, I'm sure they'd invite me over, to sleep over for a week. Crazy. Straight couple. Anyways, the way that I'm so rueful and nostalgic about this place, I can't even, cannot be overstated. I can understand it, because when I walk by it, it feels like your house. I don't know how to describe it. I'm like, someone lives in her house. The way that I loved having, I mean, there was many things about that place that sucked. A, there's no square footage. B, there was no sidewalks. Right. B, you could not walk anywhere. Right. Totally car-dependent. Very car-dependent. I mean, no, 100%. I moved to America's second-largest city, so I have to take a 15-minute car ride to a CVS. Like, the moment I bought that house, I had to buy a car. Right. I had to. was no other choice so uh now contrast with the my current living situation which i'll give you a lovely update on continue to hate it with all my heart and guts and sorry but wait wait so you know i told you i was reading the moisture reader wrong oh yeah well you weren't i i got it right one day so so i was a little bubbling a little bubbling in those in the studio uh they cut a fucking hole in the wall they cut a hole through the drywall wet dripping black mold the return game on bitch the sequel so i've got four giant uh deafening fans and dehumidifiers going 24 7 for the next four days my i'm sure that my neighbors are not like i'm not i don't think they're in love with me i think they're like so in love with me right because i must be the best neighbor they have ever had you know the hammering the sawing the you know the fans you know what i'm gonna stop you right there because of my old place my neighbor when i first moved in i go oh my god you're in i'll make up the number you're in 1001 i'm 1002 i'm your neighbor oh yeah she's like oh she was like oh you're gonna be done with your they're hammering every night you better believe i am the only person in this building who does not have children or a dog or both all of you can suck my fat cock and lick my my heavy clit i do not care i flush the toilet once a month i'm never even fucking there i don't know i have dogs i have children the rest of you are fraudulent bitches shut up perpetrating frauds you know what don't worry about me in my house barely being there and being silent don't worry about me yeah renter worry about your ugly ass yeah i'm like i'm i'm the secret garden i'm the child i'm the indeed in the cupboard yeah yeah yeah you're the perfect neighbor so i you know and to your point my friend was like listen the people next door would not have moved to the city in a condo surrounded by two people in the middle have two neighbors on each side if they were so sensitive about sound and needed peace and quiet they would have moved to fucking albany i moved into a condo because i needed to make sure that i didn't share a wall with anyone how about three on each side and i've lived in apartments and shared walls like a long time of my life it just is it is what it is yeah i mean i need a neighbor you wish you could be i don't blow up the neighbors you won't catch me in my house blowing up music oh baby no no although i did once in my old old back in laurel where i lived below the the the the landlord who was i swear to god he was you know he's a great big bad person and he would like fall a lot and it just like felt like he was going to come through the but that doesn't seem intentional falling that's not like um testing subwoofers in your home no i don't think he was well anyway so one day i played i had i put on a movie it made me a little loud dune it was dune the way that that man barreled down the stairs and almost broke through my door and told me that screaming at me while amy and sam amy don't and sam were there saying the whole complex is shaking god damn it and i was like can i say when you go to someone's door you gotta know that you're not gonna be perceived the way you think you're perceived you're gonna seem crazy if the door opens and you start yelling you're just gonna seem crazy and what you could say is you know it's just my walls are rattling a little bit is that okay i'm sorry we've never met i'm so-and-so like yeah that approach yeah compared to the whole goddamn barrel down and i was like baby i can hear you at 3 a.m falling down right what are you doing at 3 a.m yeah bitch you're big everything broke that shoe you know what i mean so wait so the um so my my life at home is currently again in shambles but um the uh i i you know i wow wow wow i have something to add please it's been raining in los angeles my guest house leaks everybody's got water damage my guest house leaks i had to have black mold remediation is doing my whole guest house i'm in the club it sucks it's expensive it's tens of thousands of dollars for tell me about it because i'm a moisture expert the foundation they got to do what they call a mold cut which is the three feet from the floor the entire property the entire thing and they did the moisture guard and they're like you have maybe one wall here that doesn't have to be like gutted now did you vet whoever i i know i called the first person is that bad who is it i don't know do you know what the company the name is what is yours well now i'm scared there's gotta be more than one maybe it better not be fucking it's not god it's not because mama they ripped and ran they tore my whole house apart and then left without putting anything back no this company moves on all my belongings okay it's a full service yeah yeah yeah they're gonna put back all the drywall they do the construction yeah guess what else happened what you don't even know about this i don't why you didn't tell me so one of the issues was i said well brandon and i have uh a storage unit down the street from my condo andrew told me so in my storage unit and this actually sucks and y'all can make fun of me with it but i'm not gonna tell you why i'm not one of the only things i have that has value that's not money is my doll collection i've spent years of my life collecting all these beautiful vintage toys time capsules of american history and fashion whatever i'm a huge fag they're really valuable many of them are them i'm they i love them yeah it's one of the only material things i know is completely it's not for food water or sex or shelter it's just i love it yeah and i've invested a lot of my money in in them and making sure that they have their own storage unit that's dark and dry and cool and safe and safe we went in there to get something mold the entire doll collection my entire doll collection dolls from 59 through 80 basically are the boxes are all melt all molded all the boxes have mold on them and i'm having to hire a company to come in that does mold um remediation on objects to go through the whole collection and see what can be saved but i might have to so all my videos of them they might just all have to go in a landfill and i have the fullest insurance at that storage unit the um it only covers up to five thousand dollars the fullest insurance at a storage unit only five thousand dollars and so i'm wondering what are you doing keep candy corns my guest house leaking is like okay everyone's house is leaking but paying a monthly fee for a safe dry storage unit it would have never occurred to me that this unit was just flooding yeah i don't know why in los angeles we had to make buildings as if rain hadn't been invented yet i didn't just hit i know rain isn't new i know well los angeles is famously um i mean depending on what type i mean unless it was you know unless it was built in the 20s and then renovated during the golden age of architecture in la it's going to probably be poopoo crap if it was built in the 50s 60s 70s apartment complex it's going to look like the cat's ass yeah and it's probably going to be from tissue paper and wood chips um but you know what my situation is a little bit more frustrating because i it's it's like i wasn't a victim of of circumstance a lot of this stuff i did i made the most spectacularly stupid decisions so after getting rid of the mold having the bright idea to let someone put these enormously heavy planters on my deck which of course immediately perforated the the newly uh sealed waterproof membrane of the deck having to take them down all that super expensive by the way for nothing only to cause more problems oh yeah so it's like i'm literally like i'm like brandon brandon was literally crying because he was like brandon was like you worked so hard for this and we went extra steps to put these what we perceive to be like the safest place it's not in our homes it's in a storage it's not even on the first floor how the fuck did it get moldy everything moldy dolls moldy beautiful pristine mint condition barbie collection rotting fuck sucks shit we're gonna have to go back on tour oh yeah we've lost it all oh yeah yeah yeah i'm in i'm in foreclosure thank god take it take this moldy ass place take it take it i'll live in a wheelbarrow full of wood chips and sawdust just it just sucks no it does and i don't want to like fantasize but i'm like okay over in wisconsin we don't have leaks in our homes mostly i grew up trailer it did not leak mary what is the issue over here in los angeles where somebody is somebody's up there just poking holes like we're all bugs in a peanut butter jar with holes poked in the top that was me i i paid someone to poke some holes crazy kill me slap me throw me down the stairs i think i hope it stops raining for the winter because i can't take it i mean i'm from massachusetts where we got i don't know famously like four like four thousand feet of snow every winter do you think we had one leak in our motherfucking house no no i don't know what to do i don't know why we don't just make roofs like this no matter what like my house has that roof my house doesn't leak all of it rolls off the new studio andrew and i moved into the top so it's above it's above this restaurant why is the driveway concave love and why does it collect um puddles and puddles and puddles and i was told not to park there because the restaurant is flooding always underneath it pierce Isn't that fierce? Isn't that cunty? Isn't that great? Isn't that lovely for a restaurant? What are we gonna do? do i don't know not live in la i try to call my blessings i'm like my house isn't leaking trixie cosmetics isn't leaking not yet hotel isn't leaking once i get my little poker but we also just redid the trixie motel roof when we moved in and it's not gonna rain in palm springs the way it's raining here mama yeah that's that's like yeah no but i don't know girl weather we're having weather i have another great story for you teaser next week trixie motel pulled over it happens it happens it could happen trixie motel pulled over all of this has been happening in the same like three-day period it's been awful wait wait we've got to end on a happy note and on a happy note 250 episodes of the bald and the beautiful 250 episodes now take that amy poehler just kidding um 250 episodes of non-stop non-stop entertainment uh for free sometimes people will say to me about you and i They will say things like, you guys could just do anything and people would eat it up. I don't feel that way. And I know these people watching us for 10 years don't feel that way. I take that as a compliment because they don't understand. I think it's a read. I think it's insulting to these people listening, too. And there's a limit. When you have a sense of humor and a sense of humility and you have a self-deprecating sense of humor, there is a line where you should kind of check yourself. I'm actually not a piece of shit. And this is not some stupid, frivolous thing. It's a wonderful thing that I'm proud of. I care about what you and I do in here. I do, too. And just because it seems off the cuff or that it's improvised or that it's not heavily produced or that we don't know how to say goodbye doesn't mean— We may not know how to introduce guests. We can't remember anyone's names. But what happens in between all of that is very important. Right. They love to say this to me. Girl, I love how you could just wear anything. That's what I'm saying. Like, don't wear anything. I wish you wouldn't wear anything. What if we start doing drag but we're just completely naked with no padding on? The wigs and the makeup but just a big black bush. Hateful bush. Hateful bush. Hateful bush that you just got to— Hairy legs. Big old panties and that hateful bush. No, I have a bra and panties but I don't have them on. I just hold them on my lap. Just so you know I could put them on if I wanted to. I have them on a hanger that I hold up the whole time. So much better than getting in drag. We should just bring in store mannequins with our outfits on it and be like, this is what could I have? This is what happened. Or a projector. Projector. Oh, love. Paint our bodies white with different outfits. Love. And then have it cross-dissolve so they change over time. I love the cross-dissolve. All right, last thing, last thing. I love—I've recently discovered that I maybe am not as interested in having sex with people as I thought I was. Can I tell you, I listened to the last pod and you were talking about the asshole licking. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I knew you were going to have this Sarah Plain and Tall. Swing. Backwards. And I kind of did too because— But that's how everyone is. Does anyone else feel like when you're horny you have a hookup? I used to have like three in a week and then nothing for months. Mama. Once you break the seal, you're like, well. And it's like I—everything I said was true. Right. I mean, I really had a transcendental time. Right. But I just haven't really been in the mood. I think that's okay. It comes in waves, I think. And also, Mama, I know me. Yeah. Nobody knows me better than me. You love to jerk it. I love myself. I love to touch myself. Right. I go through a hell of a pleasure myself. I think we can go. 250 episodes. Thank you so much for letting us do the most wonderful thing in the world. Because honestly, this job is so cunty. It's great. And thank you to Nick for filming and doing all the sound. Yes. Thank you to Tracy. For always laughing. Always laughing in the background. Give me someone to wink at. And thank you to Mark. And honestly, Mark. Studio 71. And all of our guests. And also, PEG, our managers were the ones who were like, do you guys want to do a pod? I don't know if we would have done that on our own. Don't you remember? I was like, start a pod this late in the game. Oh, yeah. I remember feeling like, who wants to have us do? I remember feeling like, well, we're models. People want to look at us. They don't want to listen to us. Why are we so good at drag, but people are so happy we've stopped dressing up? But don't you? I remember thinking, this is too late. This is too late. It's like too late in the game to this. Now, everybody. Now, Gwyneth Paltrow's got a pod. Everybody's got a pod. But also, our fans were so young. Like, their cochlear, like, little bones had just finally. Yeah. Now, their fontanelles are hardening up. Right. And so, they were cerebrally finally ready for a pod. Thank you. Now, we're all on the level. Right. Now that I have dementia, they're ready to listen. And a whole new audience. Whole new audience, which is great because we don't have any new stories. Except me getting pulled over. I'm going to tell you next week. Okay. Cliffhanger. Okay. Bye. 251. Bye. Bye.