Speaker 1Hello and welcome to the How Not to Screw Up Your Kids podcast. So, pull yourself a cuppa, find a comfy seat and enjoy the conversation. Today's episode, 25 for 2025, is all about all about goal setting and New Year's resolutions. Obviously, depending on when you are listening to this particular episode. If you know me, if you have been around my world long enough, you will know that nothing excites me more. Nothing gets me, well, the best part of my whole year is New Year. And it's all about that concept of sort of starting with a blank sheet of paper, sort of dreaming of all of the things that you're aspiring for. In the upcoming year, and then creating a plan and a goal. So, this is what we're basically going to be doing, 25 things for 2025. Now, of course, there's lots of narrative around New Year's resolutions and how no one ever sticks to them. And they're a complete waste of time. I'm hoping to convince you to give it a bit of a go this year, if you're not somebody who's already invested as I am. And then if you're also catching this episode, long after the New Year, it's a brilliant one to come back to anyway, when it comes to setting goals. Now, I'm going to be talking about this very much from the perspective of how you can set goals for yourself. Because fundamentally, children are much more likely to do what they see than what we say. So, it's about doing the work yourself. But of course, everything I'm talking about can be translated, can be used with children and teens themselves. So, that's the way that I'm going to kind of do it. And I'm going to sort of talk you through the whys, you know, why it's helpful, the framework that I've pulled together in terms of the 25 for 2025, and how do you go about doing it and why, you know, what's the point? Why bother? Now, we know. So, let's get the stats out of the way for those cynical lot that are listening to this. So, statistically, we know we're unlikely to stick to our New Year's resolutions. One of the famous studies looked at basically New Year's resolutioners over a two-year period. And after two weeks, 71% were sticking with their goals. And that percentage then dropped down to 46% after six months, and then 19% after two years. And that famous study has been replicated. It's been done again and again and again. And the results are pretty similar. So, the stats would suggest that the odds are stacked against us. What I will say, and I will say this repeatedly throughout this particular episode, is when we set a goal and we set specific actions related to that goal, because there's no point setting just a goal, you know, you've got to work out, okay, if this is what I want to do, what are the steps that I need to start doing in order to achieve that goal? It goes back to the ladder that I talk about quite often. And I will say this process of setting a goal changes you. So, okay, 19% stuck to their resolution over the two-year period. But the 81% that didn't were still different as a result of the process of actually setting and writing goals. So, with that in mind, let's talk about why would we set goals anyway, let alone New Year's resolutions. And to me, a New Year's resolution is a goal. They're all about goals. You just happen to do it at a particular time of the year. And I do think that when we talk about New Year's resolutions and when we talk about goals, they are things that we should be actively reviewing regularly. So, whilst we may well be setting these at the beginning of the year, at some point in December or early January, I would be expecting after three months to review it. And in fact, I'd be expecting to review it pretty quickly if for any reasons I'm not sticking to those particular goals. So, let's just. Broad brush, why should we bother setting goals anyway or New Year's resolutions? Well, the first one for me is it's about setting an intention. Rather than sort of, I don't know, mindlessly going about our lives on autopilot, by setting some form of goal, by setting some sort of New Year's resolution, we're setting an intention that we want to change, whatever that might be. And I'll talk more specifically about that in a bit. But I think it's important to think more specifically about what those might look like. But it is that whole process of intention. And that intention comes from some aspect of self-awareness. I know that this is what I do now, and I'm setting an intention to do something differently. And I think that in itself is incredibly powerful. Even if we don't stick to the goal, even if we don't achieve the goal, that process of reflecting, knowing thyself, and then making an intention about making a change is hugely powerful. So, that's number one. Number two is in lots of ways, it's as simple as there's hope. If we get stuck in this rut of, this is who I am and I can't change. And so, we don't set goals. We don't set New Year's resolutions. We're in this sort of, there's no hope. There's no possibility that we could be any different. There's no possibility that we And so, goal setting also gives us hope. It gives us this aspiration. It kind of affords us that engagement in our lives because we know that we can make changes. And so, it's that hope that things will be different that often drives why we set goals in the first place and also why we kind of stick to those behaviors that we need to do in order to achieve them. So, it's about intention. It's about hope. And giving us that engagement. The third one, which I think is quite a crucial one, particularly when it comes to encouraging our children to take on goals and potentially take on New Year's resolutions, is this notion of responsibility and agency. So, many parents will speak to me at the end of a talk or will email in about the podcast around their frustrations that their children may have. And I think that children simply don't take responsibility for their actions. I go from naught to explosion. I shout. I say unkind things. I don't do any work. I don't make an effort with my homework. I don't tidy up my bedroom because that's just who I am. I can't help it. It's this sort of notion that they have no responsibility and that they have absolutely no agency in their life. They're sort of slaves to their emotions. They're slaves to their belief that they're not good at X, Y, or Z. And so, by setting goals and or New Year's resolutions, there's that responsibility and agency that I, myself, can change. By making different choices, I can make changes in who I am and my patterns of behavior. And that's a crucial part of that promoting a growth mindset. Yeah. Growth mindset is this understanding and the belief that fundamentally I can be or do anything. I just need to put the effort in rather than a fixed mindset, which is the belief that this is just who I am and that's the end of it. And so, promoting that growth mindset, then the byproduct is that we develop the sense of responsibility and this agency. And they're the crucial underpinnings to confidence, to self-belief, because it's that notion that I've got the capability to make any changes. If I have a setback, if things are not as I would wish them to be right now, then I'm going to be able to make any changes. And so, I'm going to be able to I know I can actively make a choice and I can then actively change patterns of behavior, make different choices, and that will give me a different result. And that's a really, really big one. And also, not only for our children, but for us. But I think it's a particularly powerful one because a lot of the messages that come in, a lot of the questions that get asked of me when I'm delivering talks are all around confidence and resilience. So, that third one is responsibility and agency. The fourth one is a byproduct of that because if I believe I've got responsibility and agency, then what happens is I will problem-solve situations. So, I've got this particular challenge. It's not working or I'm here. I want to be there. What are the things that I might need to do in order to get to where I want to because what I'm doing now isn't getting me there as fast as I want or is simply just sending me off in a completely different direction? Developing is another huge part of building confidence because it's this notion that I've got capabilities and abilities, regardless of what situation I'm presented with, to actively consider what my options are and then almost like experiment and make a decision to try something different, reflect on the results, and then make a different decision again. So, you're kind of constantly tweaking. We have got an episode very specifically to this coming up in the new year, which is. a corker. So listen out for that one. So the fourth one is about promoting problem solving. That's why we should set goals. And then the fifth one goes back to that comment that I made earlier on. It's whether you achieve the goal or you don't, you have changed in the process of pursuing those goals. And for me, this is the most powerful aspect of goal setting and New Year's resolutions is you change as a result of it. So it doesn't matter whether we get to that specific goal or not. We've changed as a process of setting that intention, creating that hope and engagement, having that sense of responsibility and agency, problem solving, and then working through that process. So that for me is why I would encourage you to consider this 25 for 2025. So what's the framework? If you're bought in, if you're like, okay, all right, all right, Mary-Anne, don't keep going on about it. You've convinced me. I think it's probably a good idea. It's like, how do we focus? What framework do we use? Because sometimes New Year's resolutions can seem, I don't know, it's like a big thing, isn't it? And personally, it may be different for you, but I personally like to work and focus my goals and my New Year's resolutions within a framework of sort of framing it on the basis of I'm setting things that will help me become more joyful, more peaceful, a more engaged person rather than a more efficient one. And I've deliberately not used the word happy there. I mean, listen to my podcast episode about happiness as a myth. I think when we talk about having happy children, when we talk about being happy, I think it's a goalpost that is just constantly moving. And actually, I don't think it's the right thing to be moving towards. I think it's about how can I live my life in a more joyful way, in a more fulfilled way, feeling more peaceful, feeling more engaged. Those are the words that I would use. You may use completely different ones, but I just think happiness is a myth. So it's not about how can I make Mary-Anne a more efficient person, but it is about these other things that just make that getting up in the morning, navigating through the day, the weeks, the months. Just more joyful. So that's why I do that. So for this year, and I've done 23 for 2023 and 22 for 2022, I find that for this year, I'm having a really clear framework. I think we also did that in 23 for 2023. But what I've done is by providing this framework, it's allowing me to sort of focus my intentions around five areas which matter to me. Yeah, these are important to me, and they're going to be part of the template that you can download so that you can then use that to set yours. You may choose a completely different framework. You may not even use my framework. You may not sort of condense it down into five areas. But when I've been sort of considering how I might go about 2025 resolutions and 2025 goals, I felt actually there are five areas in my life where I'm going to be able to that if I can be really some clarity in those areas, I believe I could get more joy, I can get more peace, I can get more engagement. So the five for me are health, self, relationships, growth, and wealth. Now, I've used the word wealth because I prefer this to money. But for me, the reason why I've got wealth is it's about how will I spend, save and treat the money I earn so that I can bring me more joy, peace and engagement with the things that which matter to me. So that's why I've chosen that particular word. You can choose whichever words you want to, to kind of pin your resolutions and your goals to. But that's what I've done. And that's what you will find on the downloadable resource. But by all means, just put a line through it and put something else. Okay, so hopefully, I've convinced you. Then I've given you the framework. Now let's talk about how do we actually start? So let's start with the framework. How do we go about actually doing this? So the first thing I would say is, you know, I often talk about whatever sort of problems that we're working on, is I often talk about this idea about doing a bit of an internal audit. My view is that when we start looking at 2025, whenever we're looking forward at something that we want to change, and goals that we want to set, a really important piece first is about reviewing the landscape before you start making those change decisions. So I haven't really built this in, in the past. So this is a new addition to the way that I've been reflecting and sitting on my goals and New Year's resolutions for next year. And it's actually actively reviewing 2024 first. And I really, I've sort of done this before, but I've done it in my mind. I haven't physically done it on paper. I think I've done it on paper, but I haven't physically done it on paper. So I haven't When we write things down, it's more powerful. And you'll see there's a bit of a recurring theme as we look through these, you know, how do we actually start? So I want you to review the year that has gone, write down and note two areas, two big headings, successes, you know, what's worked in 2024, what the success has been. Now you can use the framework for that. So for example, if those five areas of health, self relationships, growth, and wealth, you may then write down what have been my successes in 2024, where have I made progress in those areas? Or you may just simply choose to broadly look at success. And then so that there's successes, and then there are the challenges. So the things that have been particularly challenging in 2024, that you want to address in the upcoming year. This is what generally happens when I do this. Something like this with the children and the teens that I work with, is that the challenges ends up being a monumental list, and the successes tends to be tiny. What I would sort of recommend, what might be a good way of being able to kind of review both those is almost to look month on month. So it's, I don't know how you sort of diarise things. So I have an electronic diary, but I also have a paper diary. It's just me. I'm a bit over the top in terms of organisation. I love it that way. So I then review month on month, because then that gives me a bit of an idea of what's going on. You don't have to go like major minutiae, but we often forget things. You know, it's this whole notion, isn't it? We're like nonstick pans for the good stuff. All of the, all of our successes tend to slide off. We just kind of go, yeah, but that's supposed, I should be doing that. So why celebrate it? And then the challenge is, it tends to be like mud that throws on a wall and it sticks. So we can remember all of those, but all the successes slide off. And so just do what you need to do that will help prompt you about some of the things that have happened across the course of the year. In terms of how you go about this process, and I will talk about it specifically, is that at every stage in these five stages of how you get started, afford yourself some time to reflect. So when you're doing the review, start the review and don't expect to do the review and then move on to the next thing. It's really important that you give yourself breathing space, because as you do that, other things come to you. So the first thing is review 2024 and note your successes and note your challenges. I'd keep them on separate bits of paper. Number two is percolate. In other words, leave them to brew. So you can have a add things in as you remember. What I want you to kind of have in your mind, and this is, I think, one of the reasons, possibly one of the big reasons why New Year's resolutions and goals don't necessarily, we don't always necessarily succeed and the statistics look so skewed towards dropping them, you know, with only the 19% two years later still, you know, still working on those resolutions and succeeding. So let me see if I can explain this in a way that makes some sense. When you are setting goals, when you are setting resolutions or intentions, the old you is trying to make decisions and set goals for the new you. Yeah. So it's like, so you're likely to approach the new you with all your old narrative of I'm not good enough, I'm not clever enough, whatever it might be. And what you want to do is give yourself time to reflect so you don't set the same self-limiting goals that you're likely to not work through. So I hope that kind of makes sense. But in essence, if you are changing yourself, if you're setting goals and intentions to be different, you're trying to create a new you through the narrative of the old you. Consider your child. Yeah. And maybe your child really struggles with confidence and they won't try anything that's new. Maybe your child is really riddled with anxiety, struggles in social situations. What we're trying to do when we're when we're trying to get them to set goals, is take that old version of themselves, the one that's lacking in confidence, the one that's riddled with social anxiety, and trying to get them to imagine themselves in a situation where it's the new version of them that doesn't get anxious in nervous situations, or if they do get a little bit nervous, they still do it, and who has that self-belief. Well, it's really difficult in the old you to make decisions and recognize changes in patterns of behavior when you're stuck in that old self-limiting, I can't possibly, things are too difficult, no one likes me. So what then happens is when you set goals, you set goals that keep you in that old version of yourself without that sort of that huge gorgeous growth that we want to have. So when we're doing the reviewing and when we're looking at setting some of these goals, we always want to create this percolation because initially we're likely to write things, goals, patterns of behaviors, and changes through the lens of ourselves as the incapable, I can't possibly. So that's why we kind of want to in-build this percolation that happens regularly. Let it brew, let it sit, let us reflect, let us challenge ourselves so that we can, when we come up with our goals, we've given ourselves the best chance of really identifying things that matter rather than things we just simply write down. You think about it, when you make new user resolutions, how many of us put on there, I want to exercise more, I want to make healthier choices and wake up earlier. And in a lot of it, we almost do an autopilot because they're not necessarily things that we really want to do, but they're things that we think we ought to. So we write them down. So we're reviewing, we're then percolating, and we're going to percolate every step. The third one really is when you're looking at your five areas of the framework, and then there's going to be five things within that, you want to set one big goal in each of the five areas. And then the other four then become small behavioral changes, which are likely to support the bigger goal. So for example, I'll share one of my big goals. So self is to run an overseas marathon. Now, note why I have put that particular goal in self. I've put that in self rather than health, because I've ran marathons already. I know I can do them. I mean, it's going to take, it's been a while, but I know I can do them. So the overseas element is very specifically there to address one big theme. So for my 25 for 2025, across all of the five areas, I'm going to run an overseas marathon. And I'm going to run an overseas marathon. And I'm I've got an overarching intention for me, you don't necessarily need to do this, but I'm doing it specifically for me, around all my five frameworks is around complacency and comfort zone, because I feel that I've just kind of got into a slightly complacent comfort zone that I'm not pushing myself out of. So the reason why I've chosen the overseas marathon is specifically because it is completely out of my comfort zone. It's something completely different. It's going to require a whole different set of skills than running a marathon in the UK. So that's why I've set it. So what you're trying to do is pick one big goal, and then four behavioral changes, which that come underneath that. And also, if you set too many big goals, you set yourself up pretty much to fail. You really want to set things that matter to you rather than too many. Again, when you set the big goal. And I would always start with a big goal first. Remember that sort of little video that we get about, you know, how do we put the pebbles and the stones and then the sand? You always do the big stuff first. I think if you write down your five big goals, so your one big goal in your health, your one big goal in yourself, your one big goal across your relationships, your one big goal for growth, your one big goal for wealth or money, sit with that, percolate with that. Because your four are small behavioral changes that fall out from those big goals. You just want to make sure that you're choosing the goals that are important to you, that you're really invested in, that you are prepared to do the difficult work in. And then you can then look at the behavioral changes. Otherwise, what happens is you put something in there because you think that's what you should put. And then when the behavioral changes come in, they're not ones that you're bought into because you're not really bought into the big goal. So that's why we do it that way. So let's say now you've reviewed, you're percolating, you've set your big goals, you've percolated on that. You've then got your four behavioral changes that come from that. What you then want to do, and this is a really sort of important part of us actually achieving our goals or working towards them for long enough, is we want to communicate our goals with a buddy. Now, evidence shows, we stick to our goals for longer when we create some form of accountability framework. In other words, we've got someone that we talk to regularly about our goals and review them regularly. Now, it could be someone who is equally making some commitments. Maybe they're doing a 25 for 2025, or they're also committed to one of the goals that you're working through. Or it could just be someone who's a really great friend, who's great to talk to, but they're not setting any goals at all. If you haven't got one already, then I would really encourage you to do this, because it's a really big part of ensuring that those changes happen. You just think about it. If you're someone who wants to go to the gym, you're more likely to go to the gym if you've got someone that you're going to the gym with, because you don't want to then let them down. So if you've got some sort of accountability framework, someone who reviews who you've got to kind of, and it's a good old show, and tell, this is what I'm going to be doing, this is what I've done in the last week or month, and then actively reviewing it, then you're much more likely to stick to it. And that's a really good fit to do as well. And then the fifth one is about managing your mindset. In other words, get your head in the right mode. You are going to change through the process of these 25 for 2025. You're going to change even in the process of these 25 for 2025, the process of just doing the reflective piece and writing them down. Even if you don't manage one day, you are going to change as a result of that, because you've done that reflective piece. You've done that intention piece. You've given yourself that hope and engagement. You've understood that there's a responsibility and an agency. You've problem solved. So it's really remembering that not to beat yourself up. If you find that you've gone through the whole process and then you've done a whole month, January's gone by and you've done nothing, don't throw the baby out with the bathwater. Just simply go, right, it didn't happen in January. Let me reflect on my goals again. Are these things that are really important to me to change, or have I just written them down for the sake of it? Do I need to do another bit of reflection? Do I need to be a bit honest with myself? Do I need to minimize the number of things that I've written down? Whatever that might be, make the promise to yourself that you're going to be intentional in those behavioral choices and that you're going to review them regularly. It's about, you know, and that's the kind of, it's that being compassionate to yourself. Because remember, your children are much more likely to do what they see than what you say. And you are modeling to them how you go about setting goals, how you go about reflecting, how you develop that growth mindset. And the growth mindset is not about the result. It's about the process. It's about the effort that you put in and the changes and the modifications you make along the way. It's a great example that you're setting. If you're someone who is really wanting to encourage their child or teen and you're getting resistance from them, then I would just say you're better off just continually working and demonstrating your capabilities in this area so that you get them on board through their observation rather than through constant battle. They'll get there, because they see you doing it. And then you, you know, go back to the episode about sowing seeds. It's about just little, little, little, except that it's going to take time and they'll get there rather than what we tend to do. And I'm very guilty of is going in quite heavy handed and then trying to, you really ought to do this. It's so important, all the research evidence, and they go into that kind of, you know, when they glaze over and it's like, it's going straight over their head or it's going in one ear and out their ear and they're going, oh, mum's got off on again about goal setting. So I hope you find this helpful. As you can probably tell, it's something that I'm incredibly passionate about and is literally the key, the secret to success. It's that incremental changes, but there is a very specific episode coming up that will help specifically with your children looking at small changes. So my give this week is a bit of a bumper The process of how do you do it the how piece, but you'll also get the template for the 25 for 2025 with the broad framework and the five headings, which you can use, or you can adapt and modify to your own. But sometimes it's quite nice to have something to know where you have, where you start. So if you want to grab your free copy of that, just head over to my free resource library, drmaryhand.com forward slash library, where you'll find the link to download the resource. All you need to do is pop in your email address and you'll get instant access to this bumper pack, but also the resources across all my other podcast episodes. As we are kind of nearing the end of the year, or you're listening to this episode in the new year, it would be if you enjoy these podcast episodes, if you've enjoyed this particular one, if you listen regularly, whatever that might be, I would be eternally grateful if you could rate, follow and review this podcast so that others can find us and we can spread the love. So until next time. Thank you so much for watching. I'll see you in the next one. Bye.
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