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Speaker 4Hello and welcome to the How Not to Screw Up Your Kids podcast. So, pour yourself a cuppa, find a comfy seat, and enjoy the conversation. This is episode 75, and today's episode, 23 for 2023, is all about how to screw up your kids. It's all about New Year's resolutions. Now, I just want you to hold that thought first, because I want to start off by saying a huge, massive, heartfelt thank you to all of you who tune in regularly every Thursday when my new podcast episode comes out, who download, or those of you who've just discovered me for the first time. I am so incredibly grateful. When I set up this podcast a year and a half ago, I had no idea it was going to reach so many people across the whole world. So, just to let you know, I'm so grateful. So, just to give you a bit of an idea and to maybe say hello to those of you who are listening, we've got listeners in America, Australia, New Zealand, Guatemala, Sri Lanka, India, Ukraine, so many countries. Sorry if I've missed you off. We're literally global, and it genuinely, really genuinely blows my mind that I sit here with my headphones on, with my podcast mic, and my computer, talking to myself, or what feels like talking to myself, and then my amazing podcast production company, Do Their Magic, it gets loaded up onto Spotify and Apple, and you listen to it on your dog walks, in your car, in your homes. I hear from some of you that your teens and your children are listening by choice, and others who say that their children and teens are listening not by choice, but I am so, so grateful. So, thank you very much, and I would make one request, if I may, and that is that people. People find the podcast, if the podcast has been rated and reviewed, and some of you have already done that, and so thank you, thank you. But if you could spare some time after you've listened to this episode, and rate the podcast, and just write a small review, that would be amazing, because that is how other parents, who have not yet heard of How Not to Screw Up Your Kids, will find us, and hopefully we'll build an even bigger and more incredible global community. So, thank you. Thank you. Back to this week's podcast episode. So, the episode is 23 for 2023, and it is all about New Year's resolutions. Yes, I know if you are listening to this, as soon as the podcast episode has been released in November, you may well be thinking, Mary-Han, what the hell is going on with you? Bear with me. I love New Year's Eve. It is quite genuinely my most favourite day of the year. I've got very, very fond memories of my childhood, and then even into my teens and my early 20s, spending New Year's Eve quite often with my mother, and making New Year's resolutions. Looking at it from that world of possibility, and that's what makes New Year's Eve so incredible. And for me, quite genuinely, I look forward to it so much more than Christmas, because it's about reflecting on the year which has been, and really looking optimistically forward, to the year ahead. And for me, it really doesn't get any better than that. You see, I'm a planner, a lover of order, systems, goals, schedules, and stationery, to write all these lovely things down with multicoloured pens and highlighters. If you've ever sat next to me, you will completely resonate with that. New Year's resolutions have always been my thing, my nirvana. And I know it might sound strange to some, but for me, it is quite genuine. Genuinely, my happy place. So, I think you get the picture. Now, in 2020, so 2020, we were all, there was the whole global pandemic. And as I was coming to the end of that year, and I reflected back on the year that had been full of coronavirus, cancelled trips, homeschooling, working from home, and less time spent in the physical company of groups of friends, and I love spending time with my friends, I'm a real people person, I felt I needed to look at my New Year's resolutions in December 2020, looking forward to 2021. I needed to do things differently. You see, what I love about goal setting is the certainty that it gives you. Yeah, you know exactly what you're working towards and the milestones you need to hit, so you can tick them off. And I love all of those things. But what I learnt during that period of time of the pandemic is that plans can change literally, overnight, in an uncontrollable way. And being somebody who is a control enthusiast, who's talked often about her control enthusiasm, it was something that I, that really sort of sat with me that these New Year's resolutions that I had done year in, year out, and we all know the statistics about New Year's resolutions. And I can't remember the exact number, but something ridiculous, like 70% of New Year's resolutions are broken literally in the first day. So it got me really thinking about how can I begin to look at the future? the year ahead and begin to set goals and aspirations and dreams, but in a different way. And I did this in December 2020 for the year 2021. I didn't do it in 2022, not because I didn't plan to, I started, but I didn't sort of finish it. And that's the reason why I'm doing this episode now. So for those of you who do download the episode, literally as they come out, and some of you will be downloading this a year later or whatever, it doesn't matter. You can still do this, but for those of you who are downloading this weekly, who did the 21 for 2021 with me will know that it's something that doesn't happen overnight. It's something that takes time. It takes a lot of thought because actually, if you want this to work the way that I found that it works for me, and I really hope that you'll engage with it in the same way, is that actually it's so much more meaningful than just simply setting goals. And I did this with a group in 2020 going into 2021, and it just felt so incredible to hear the stories of the things that they had written about that they have subsequently go on to do. So let me just talk you through a little bit of what happened for my 21 in 2021, because actually I've changed and I've tweaked it a little bit more. So instead of looking at things and writing down 21 goals and things that I wanted to achieve, I simply started by asking myself this simple question. If I could design my life for 2021, how it makes me feel, who I want to spend it with, and what experiences I want to have, how would I design it? And the end result, which I say literally took a whole month to pull together, are 21 ways I then chose to live my 2021 by. And the reason why it took that long was because I wanted to make sure that I felt supremely connected to every single aspect every single thing that I wrote on there because I didn't want it to be yet another new year's resolutions where I just pulled things out from the air and we've all been there I'm going to eat more healthily I'm going to exercise more I'm going to say no more all of these sorts of things that we set these goals and aspirations I'm going to run a marathon I'm going to climb a mountain whereas which we tend to kind of put sort of pull out I think sometimes not because we really necessarily connect with them ourselves but because it's almost like we feel that we ought to but going about it this way and really thinking about okay if I could really design my life if I could think about how I genuinely want to live my life the experiences I want to have the people I want to engage with how I want to feel each and every day then we come to a whole different list and some of you might be thinking for goodness sake Mary-Anne you're asking me for 23 things that is just insane so let me talk you through and we are going to be talking about a lot of different things and I'm going to be talking about a lot of different things and I'm going to be talking about a lot of different things and I'm going to be talking about a lot of different things and I'm going to be talking it as a resource the 21 that I came up with in 2021 and then I want to talk you through how I'm beginning to start working on it and this is still a progress for me my 23 for 2023 but I've got my first eight and I wanted to share those with you as well but let's just start with what I did in 2021 so my 21 for 2021 were and I'm going to tell you how I got on with them as well I'll be super honest as well and we're going to share this so my first one was wear heels more they make me feel glam and sexy and I did and what's really important to remember in 2021 we were still having periods of lockdowns and periods of change and actually I just recognised and maybe it was because I've probably spent a lot of my time when my children were younger in flat shoes that made me nimble and able to run after them and grab them and be comfortable but I love wearing heels I'd forgotten the whole thing about heels and for me that's what I wanted to do and I can quite honestly say in 2021 even when we were in lockdown periods of time I put on a pair of heels probably 70 to 90 percent of the time so that was a really important one for me now I'm reading you mine you might resonate with some of these you might not these are what I chose but I really want you to think about what this might mean for you in terms of how you connect with yours so that was my first one the second one was spend more time with people who bring me joy and less time with those who don't and I can honestly say I did that the third one was laugh more because I have a tendency to be too serious and life is way too short now I would love to say that I laughed more I'm not convinced I did but I was very conscious and very aware to try and lighten the mood where I could I think I'm quite naturally quite a serious person I can also be quite a silly person but I think in 2021 I didn't laugh more I definitely did in 2022 so that was number three number four was travel more so I can learn more about the incredible world I live in and I would say I traveled a bit but I think part of that was just simply the time that we were in and I think we were still under a you know a reasonable a number of restrictions that I did travel a bit wherein it was possible but I didn't travel as much as I wanted to do number five weekends are not working days I'll be honest I was very good with that at the beginning and then not very good at the in the end so I will be honest I did not really shift that but because I was consciously aware of that I did make an effort but it didn't happen number six say yes to new experiences absolutely number seven say no to obligations or commitments which don't serve me no I did not do that one and I'll be honest with you that that is one of the big ones that I'm looking for and I'm looking forward to that one and I'm looking forward to for 2023 but more on that in a moment so number eight be fully present in each moment because moments can be fleeting the irony that I did that in 2021 and then in 2022 set up one million moments my not-for-profit is not lost on me at all I'm getting better at being more fully present I know that this is a work in progress for me but it's really important that's one of the reasons why it was on the list number nine create an investment habit so I get to choose when I retire and I am proud to say that I did I set up various different regular accounts and payments to ensure that that's happening and again that's a work in progress as we all know anything with an investment perspective is a long-term rather than a short-term fix but I am really proud that that is something that I did number 10 stop being afraid to say what I want number 10 stop being afraid to say what I want rather than what I think people want from me and I would say I made really big inroads in 2021 I would say I've probably made more in 2022 but I definitely started taking steps for that number 11 meditate each day the calm and stillness keeps me grounded and reminds me of the importance of simply being meditation and I are continuing our on-off relationship so yes I did meditate sometimes but no I did not meditate as much as I wanted to so that's still a work in progress number 12 make healthy decisions on what I feed my body more often than unhealthy decisions life is about balance not abstinence I would say that that was probably oh let's just be supremely honest and I had bouts of being supremely healthy and bouts of being supremely unhealthy so I would say that that probably didn't work out for me but I did meditate as much as I wanted to change in the year so that didn't in the interest of honesty and commit to exercise each and every day I feel so much better for it and my energy and clarity levels soar and I absolutely 100% obviously there were some days that I couldn't because I was either not very well or for whatever reasons it was just not possible but that is something that I have really recognized in myself and there'll be more around that when I'll share with you when we're talking about 23 for 22 23 number 14 climb one mountain no I did not I had planned to it didn't happen 15 write the book I was meant to write and not the one I thought I should write work in progress number 16 date night every week with my daughter because she'll be off making her own life soon enough and we did do that so I'm really proud of that one finish work at 3 p.m every Friday so I can enjoy a long lingering weekend to relax and recharge that was my number 17 and I would say that I made a huge inroads around finishing work early on a Friday and that was a big one 18 take more photographs so I can savor all those precious memories year after year no I did not number 19 read one chapter from a book each and every day inspiring stories remind me of what's possible and how incredible the human spirit is no I did not I did read but not one chapter switch off from all digital devices at 7 p.m and Monday to Saturday and all day on a Sunday no I did not and I did most of the time and I can say that I was supremely acing that right probably up until about April or May and then it all went downhill but the sentiment was there remember the saying we can only do better when we know better to forgive myself of all my perceived poor choices and I remind myself of that one daily so those were my 21 for 2021 and you'll be able to have access to that you'll be able to download it now the reason why I've read those and the reason why I've talked about it is when I positioned it in 2021 it was this if I could design my life what would it be now I've interviewed some incredible women over the past few weeks and the episodes will be coming out over a period of time we've talked about balance we've talked about how we're kinder to ourselves we talked about the things that drive our behavior and what I've come to make a decision about is I'm looking at 2023 and what I want how I want to design my life and I'm looking at what I want to do in 2021 my my life is that actually I want to approach the 23 things in 2023 in a slightly different way so rather than setting myself up and I thought I did a pretty good job in 2021 in terms of designing my life and really thinking about what mattered the key to this is not necessarily being able to finish the year and take 21 things off or next year tick off 23 things but much more be more intentional be more conscious be aware
Speaker 1biggest impact doesn't show up in some dramatic breakthrough it shows up in the smallest moments you bite your tongue instead of escalating you put your phone down instead of firing off that text you say what you actually mean instead of what would hurt someone else the most nobody applauds those moments but they quietly change your life that's what growing feels like and that's exactly what grow therapy is here for grow is therapy that works covered by insurance sessions average 21 with insurance and some pay as little as zero dollars depending on their plan there are no subscriptions no long-term commitments you just pay per session grow connects you with thousands of high quality licensed therapists across the u.s offering both virtual and in-person sessions nights and weekends you can search by what matters like insurance specialty identity or availability and you can book a therapy session in minutes and begin in as little as two days not the national 48 day average see if you can find a therapy session in minutes and begin in as little as two days not the national you could pay as little as zero dollars for therapy in seconds at growtherapy.com slash ACAST.
Speaker 2More LGBTQ plus individuals are able to donate blood with the American Red Cross due to FDA guidelines that eliminate eligibility questions based on sexual orientation. Of the things that we really
Speaker 4want to do rather than the things that we feel that we should do, and that's a supremely important thing to do. I think as parents, we are naturally torn and, you know, we're pulled and pushed in so many different directions. We talk about this concept of self-care. We talk about being true to who we are. But in essence, our children learn from how we behave, what we model for them. And for me, if we can start with a real conscious, active basis of really knowing ourselves, really being kind to ourselves and finding ways that we can think about in that year ahead, giving myself a real chance, how might I find peace? How might I find balance in terms of connecting with what's important to me? It doesn't mean that I then become any less of a parent. But it means that I can be more full of who I am and what makes me happy, because by doing that, I can then be so much more present for other people. So when I've looked at 2023 and how I'm going about the whole process of what I might do for my 23 things for 2023, I've slightly shifted the emphasis, not just to how I would design my life, but what are the truths that I know about myself that are true? And I think that's a really important thing to do. And I think that's a really genuine truths rather than this difference between what I really want and what I think I should want. Because if I can really connect to the truths to really understand who I am and what's important to me, I'm much more likely to put in place habits and goals and aspirations that are aligned, that fit with the person I want to be. And when my children see me, acting from a place of truth, from things that are aligned, from being who I truly am, and all of any of the cliched words that you might hear about my authentic truth, it's not that they're cliched, but it's that real truth of when we've seen people doing things that they love, being happy with what they love, and really kind of being present that way, they flourish, they grow, they light up. You just, their energy and being around that person is incredible. And what that models for our children is that that looks different for different people. But when we're really true with ourselves, we can achieve incredible things that are incredible to us. It's not about pleasing other people. It's not about ticking other people's boxes. It's not about setting new resolutions that include climbing mountains or running marathons or eating healthily or losing weight or setting up a fitness regime or whatever it is, writing a book. Whatever it is that we might think that we repeat year in, year out are things that we're going to change. But actually going, you know, lots of people might have run a marathon in their New Year's resolutions. Lots of people might have in their New Year's resolutions around eating more healthily or writing a book. I don't care what anyone else has in there. Maybe it's about getting to bed early, whatever it might be. It's actually, is this something that I want? And is this something that is my truth that is aligned with what I want? And is this something that is my truth that is aligned to me? Or is it something that I feel that I should be doing? Because so 70% of our behaviour is driven from our unconscious. They're habit forming things that we do without realising it. Those habits of waking up, picking up a mobile phone and instantly scrolling through social media or checking the news or that's the stuff that we do habitually. And 70% of the decisions that we make and the way that we live our lives and the behaviours are things that we don't do at a conscious level. So having that time to really reflect and look at the sort of the next year, not from that perspective of I want to make some New Year's resolutions, but actually how can I in 2022 be really honest with myself about what I want to do? You know, what does 2022 look like? How can I be really honest with myself about the things that I've loved about it, the things that I would change, about it? How do they sit with me? How comfortable am I with these things? Is that something that I want to repeat? Which aspects of my life are working, which aren't? Because when we do that, then we can achieve so much. And the reason why I say this is that if we can do this, and I, when I did the 21 for 2021, I did also do this, that exercise, when I asked the children that I worked with to start thinking about if they were to design their life, what would that look like? And I got them to start thinking about it. What I would say is a very cautionary tale is if you are, if you like the sound of 23 for 2023, and you want to engage and do it, and it's that you're thinking, actually, do you know what? This is something that I want to do. I can tell you now that this will be incredible for your children and for your teens. However, huge, huge health warning. Do not sit with your children and think, I'm doing, and say to them, I'm doing this, and I think you should do it too. Instead, really commit to 23 for 2023. Sit, ponder, reflect, write lists, cross things out, go back over it, review, take a month, take three weeks, take however long it takes you to get this down so that you're really committed and you're really engaged and they, the things really sit with you comfortably. And during that process, your children will be observing you doing this. Because you'll be talking about it. You'll be buzzing about it. I've spent ages talking about this. I talked about it in my membership. I talked about it in my, you know, free Facebook groups. Back then I was back on, I was on social media. I talked to anybody. I talked to friends. I sent it to friends and encouraged them to do the same. I was, you couldn't escape from the fact that I was doing this 21 for 2021. I didn't have a conversation with my children, but because they heard me and they saw how passionate I was about it, they asked questions. Now your children, they'll ask questions, but if they ask questions, that doesn't mean that they necessarily want to see, want to do it themselves, but they will learn so much by observing you do it and your commitment to it and your thought process. And what's so crucial about 23 for 2023 and how I've kind of, how I would suggest you might want to change it in terms of this design is actually focusing on some of the truths that are important to remind yourself of you, so that when you then start looking at goals or trying to change some of your entrenched habits and make some different choices, you do it from a place of knowledge. So just for a minute, I'll stop talking about what it is and actually give you, I've spent a lot of time going over mine. So I'm going to have 23 things and I'm going to give you the eight that I've come up with so far. And these are very much in rough forms, but I've written them as 23 true truths I intend to live 2023 by. So here, here goes, here are mine. The first one, number one is I am riddled with self-doubt about my professional capabilities and I love that I carry on regardless. So that's truth number one. Number two, I need time on my own every single day. I prefer it to be in the morning. Doesn't mean that it doesn't have to be in the morning, but I'm being honest with myself in that I know that for me to be a sane, lovely person to spend time with, I need to have some time on my own. And first thing in the morning is preferable. Number three, I feel capable of almost anything when I'm in a dress and heels. Now that's me. I love, there's just something about wearing a dress and heels for me, which feels incredible. That doesn't mean makeup. I can quite happily feel incredible without a scrap of makeup on, but the dress and the heels do it for me. And that is looking at what's unique to us. So that's my third truth. My fourth truth, I'm not very patient with people who repeatedly fail to take action despite having had all the best advice. Now that's a truth because it's really important that I'm honest with myself with that because that at least explains why I get frustrated sometimes. Number five, I hate mess. It makes me angry. So it doesn't make me frustrated. It doesn't make me irritable. It actually generally makes me angry to the point that probably quite rage for. And I'm being honest. Number six, I need to reflect daily or need to have a reflective practice every day and this doesn't always have to be written down so for me i i know that that process of reflection is really really important but i also recognize that if it doesn't get written down i don't need to beat myself up over it a reflective practice in my head is sufficient number seven being outside in nature and walking is the best headspace ever so again it's that truth i know that that's really important for me so when i'm looking at setting up goals it then becomes an important thing for me to make sure that i find the time to do and number eight i don't particularly enjoy meditating and this won't stop me doing it as i know i feel better for it afterwards so again it's that recognition that meditation isn't something that i naturally find easy and yet i know that it is useful and helpful for me so when i set a goal for example about meditating maybe i'll do that maybe i won't but if i do that i'm not going to beat myself up so i'm inviting you to look at getting a scrap getting a piece of paper and beginning to look at so you can go and get my resource which is the 21 things i did for 2021 and start thinking about maybe doing it as i did in 2021 or maybe looking at it from the perspective of some truths or maybe you have a bit of a mixture of the two but it's really coming at it from the point of view of not grand huge big things but if you could truly design your life how you want to feel who you want to spend time with and how the experiences you want to have and without being macabre because i genuinely am not but if you really want to live each day as if it you know it as if it was your am i doing what i really want to do am i am i saying what i really want to say it looking at it from that perspective now i will qualify this there will be people listening to this who are in positions with whether it's their job whether it's their relationship where you're not happy and you're not in a position to change it and i get that this is not about just suddenly saying well you just need to leave a difficult relationship or you just need to change jobs but if that's not living to your truth if that's not how you want to experience the next year as you do that reflective practice on this year what can you do to begin to shift the dial on that is there a conversation that you need to have can you begin if you're in a job that you don't enjoy or career you're not enjoying can you begin to start researching to start taking some steps in the direction that you might want to do if you're not clear about it maybe there might be some research have conversations with people if you do know what you want to do are there ways that you can begin to create a bit of flexibility so that you can begin to do some of the things that you really want whilst also balancing the inevitable financial pressures that we all have i'm a real believer that we can make change it's scary sometimes but when we really commit to asking ourselves some really probing questions and being really honest with those answers we can begin to design a way to change the way we want to change the way we want to change our lives we can begin to design a life that doesn't revolve around when the children are older i will do this but much more what can i begin to do now to be the person that i really want to be to live the way that i want to live to spend time with the people who matter to me to have the experiences that matter to me within the framework and the challenges that i might have right now because that helps us be that better parent that helps us not screw up our kids that helps teach our children a model to our children how important it is that they stay true to who they are because that's what attracts and radiates people towards them and the friendships that they have and their emotional well-being and their mental health comes from living in alignment with who they really are rather than who they think they ought to be so this has been an impassioned episode because i really feel super super strongly about this and i will share my 23 for 2023 will load it up as a resource as soon as i have finished mine those are my eight that are literally sat in my notebook at the moment i might tweak them and i might change them and i will eventually have 23 and i'd love it if you can share with me what yours are do write in do email you know i'm aware that with the podcast it can quite often be just like a one-way process i know some of you already are doing an incredible job at emailing me in and telling me what you think and giving me ideas and i love that and i would love more of you to do that we i read every single email i don't always reply to them personally but we reply to every single email that we have in so please please do keep doing that so my give this week is going to be the 21 for 2021 my list that i did in 2020 21 and as soon as i have my 23 for 2023 will load it up so all you have to do is head over to my free resource library drmaryhand.com forward slash library where you'll find the link to download the resource all you have to do is pop in your email address and you'll get instant access not only to this week's podcast resource but all the other resources across all my other episodes as ever if you have enjoyed this episode i would love it if you could follow and review this podcast so that others can find us and we can spread the love so until next time blood donation is now more inclusive more lgbtq plus
Speaker 2individuals are able to donate blood with the american red cross due to fda guidelines that eliminate eligibility questions based on sexual orientation the red cross celebrates this historic change and welcomes those who may be newly eligible to donate blood there's a place for everyone in the mission of the red cross including you the red cross is committed to achieving a blood donation process that treats all potential donors with equality and respect while maintaining the safety of the blood supply join us and help save lives to learn more and make your appointment to donate blood visit red cross blood.org lgbtq that's red cross blood.org lgbtq at harmony bank we
Speaker 5believe that better happens together we're a locally owned bank built on relationships and personally committed to your success our community bankers are ready to make quick decisions no big bank bureaucracy just a custom approach to help you thrive from business loans to mortgages and everyday banking needs harmony bank provides a secure modern experience with a touch of texas hospitality we're harmony bank where better happens together
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