219 - The Art of Small Talk in the U.S.

Hi everybody, my name is Shawna and this is the American English podcast. My goal here is to teach you the English spoken in the United States. Through common expressions, pronunciation tips, and interesting cultural snippets or stories, I hope to keep this fun, useful, and interesting. Let's do it. Welcome back. Today, we're talking about the art of small talk, how to start conversations, how to keep them going, and how to know whether the other person actually wants to keep talking. We'll talk about small talk in U.S. culture, what to say when your mind goes blank, and some simple tricks that can make conversations feel much more natural. Which is useful, especially when you're speaking English as a second language. I'd like to start off by admitting something. Small talk has a bit of a bad reputation, even its name suggests that it's small and gives the impression that it's unimportant, the weather, what you did over the weekend, maybe what you're watching on Netflix. And if you're speaking English as a second language, these conversations can feel especially stressful. You might think you need to be funny and quick to respond, or maybe interesting. In preparation for this episode, I watched hours of content by experts and read many articles by reputable institutions like Harvard. And one of the most useful pieces of advice I came across while researching is this. Be interested, not interesting. Your job is not to impress others. Your job is to make it easy for the two of you to connect. That takes a lot of pressure off, doesn't it? Now to understand small talk in the US, it helps to realize that conversations don't always lead to a valuable exchange of information. Sometimes here we're simply acknowledging another person, what do I mean by that? So when you meet an unfamiliar American and they say, "Hey, how are you?" They're expecting a simple, positive exchange. If your life is currently difficult, maybe you're having a difficult morning, maybe you have stomach problems, maybe your husband's not doing the dishes. That person does not want to hear about those things, most likely. They're expecting a simple, positive exchange. "Hey, how are you?" "Oh good, I'm headed to work." Maybe someone might say, "Good, happy the sun is shining." Or just simply, "All good." Nobody has really learned anything from this encounter, but the conversation was successful because the purpose wasn't really to exchange information. It's to establish that both people are friendly, okay? I know some people in other countries consider that superficial, but we'll get to that point later on. So the same thing happens with how's it going and especially what's up? You don't need to go in depth. In fact, learners sometimes hear what's up and think they're supposed to explain what they're doing. But usually, most people respond, "Not much, you?" You can also add a detail if you want. Not much, just headed to work. So think of those questions like "A greeting." Of course, context matters. If your best friend sits you down at the table and looks you in the eyes and says, "How are you?" And that concerned voice, she probably wants a real answer, like what's really going on? Right? The words haven't changed. I'm saying, "How are you?" The meaning has and in English we call this pragmatics, understanding what people mean based on context, the tone and the relationship. So out in the city, when you're at the grocery store, when you're out and about, if people say, "How are you?" "How's it going?" You can just answer, "Pretty good, you?" It's just a greeting. Which brings us to small talk when we're out and about. Like, how do we move from that original greeting, that little short encounter, to something that's more meaningful? First I'd like to talk about where you would talk to people. The other day, I had a call with my business coach who was from Denmark and he was reading through one of my emails that I send out that encourages you guys to talk to people at the grocery store, especially the cashier. He looked at me and was like, "Why? Why would they talk to someone at the grocery store?" I looked back at him for about a minute and eventually I said, "Chris, why wouldn't you talk to somebody at the grocery store?" Which he responded, in Denmark, that would be considered very strange. And then we had this conversation back and forth about why, why Chris, why is it strange there and why is it not strange here? The point is, cultural expectations aren't universal. Coming to someone at the grocery store in the US is often welcomed and completely normal. People casually speak to people they don't know all the time. Someone might comment on the weather while you're standing in line, "Oh man, it's been really hot out today, huh? Sweat and out there." They might compliment your shoes. "Oh, love those shoes. Ah, they look so comfortable." Or, "Maybe they'll chat about the cheese you're buying." I love that chatter. So good. And that friendliness isn't necessarily meaningless. In one study, researchers sent people into a Starbucks. Some were told to make their transaction as efficient as possible. While others were told to smile, make eye contact, and have a brief conversation with the barista. When they came out, the people who had made the small social connection were in a better mood and felt more connected to other people. So that seemingly pointless conversation with the cashier, it might actually make your day a little better. It also is a stepping stone to deeper conversation. So how do we talk to strangers? It's just so hard. Everyone's told us not to talk to strangers in our lives, and as we get older, we start to talk to them. Or we try to, and it's challenging. One reason small talk feels uncomfortable is that we don't have much context when we're talking to someone new. We don't know where they're from, maybe, we don't know what their hobbies are, what their interests are, whether they want to talk or what they'll think of us. For someone speaking a second language, you can add another layer. Will I understand them? Will they understand me? But research on conversations with strangers repeatedly finds something encouraging. Will tend to enjoy these interactions more than they expect to. Small interactions with strangers and acquaintances can even contribute to feelings of connection and well-being. So instead of walking into a conversation thinking, "Will they like me?" Ask yourself, "Will I like them?" And that'll change the role, so you're no longer with the pressure on yourself, you're no longer the star of the show, be the listener, be curious. Which brings us back to be interested, not interesting. This may be the most important principle in this entire episode. We put enormous pressure on ourselves to have something clever to say. I used to do this to myself as a teenager, and it made me so nervous, and then I would get mad at myself for getting nervous. Like, "Shawna, you're better than this. Why are you so nervous talking to this person?" Then I I became an ESL teacher, and I realized not only is everybody nervous, but that the best thing we can do in a conversation is to be a good listener. Listen carefully, react to what somebody says, ask one or two follow-up questions to show that you are listening and that you're interested, and things are going to go well. One of the biggest lessons I learned in podcasting came from this, because that's what interviews are. It's a conversation, it's an intended connection with another person. So when I started doing interviews for this podcast, I would plan where I wanted the conversation to go, and I quickly realized you can't do that. It kills the vibe. If someone says something interesting and you ignore it because you're focused on your next question, it sounds like you're not listening. You just got a role with it. Lucas once told me to listen to Joe Rogan's interviews, and that's something he does really well. He often lets the guest guide the conversation, and so if they say something interesting, he follows it. And I think that's a useful lesson for everyday conversations too. Listen for where the other person wants to go, and go there with them. And just to drive this point home, if someone says they're leaving for Japan next week, you don't need to immediately search your brain for an interesting fact about yourself or about Japan. You can simply say, "Oh wow, what are you most excited about?" Or "Oh, tell me more." And then we get to learn from them. Be a good listener. Small talk is hard enough in your own language. Doing it in a language you're still learning is a whole different story. And that's exactly what I'm a little nervous about right now. Next month, I'm going to have a lot of small talk. I'm heading to Spain for an event with language business owners, YouTubers, and creators from around the world. I'm very excited about it, but I'm also self-conscious about my Spanish. I don't want to sit there in silence or freeze up when we're out at dinner or just chatting between events. So before I go, I want to get some actual speaking practice in. And that's why I booked classes on Italkie. For those of you who don't know, Italkie is an online language learning platform where you can take personalized one-on-one lessons with native speaking teachers from around the world. What I really like about it is how much time you get to actually listen and speak. For this trip, my teacher and I will focus on what I need most. I'll talk in everyday topics like food, hobbies, and life. And because it's a real conversation, I can get feedback and guidance right away when I make a mistake or don't know how to say something naturally. Because everyone's goals are different, Italkie makes it easy to find a teacher who fits what you need. With more than 30,000 teachers in over 150 languages, you can filter for your perfect teacher by price, availability, and specialty. That means if you need business English, exam prep, or conversation practice, you can find someone who's a good fit. The best part is you only pay per lesson, so there's no long-term subscription. You can book lessons that work for you, your schedule, and your budget. If you want to get better at small talk and feel more confident in everyday conversations, the first 50 learners who sign up with my exclusive promo code, Shawna9, S-H-A-N-A-9, will get $5 off their first $10 purchase. This offer is limited to the first 50 users, so click the link in the episode notes to grab it. Italkie is also running its 2026 language challenge right now. The goal is to stay consistent for 45 days, make real progress, and unlock rewards along the way. Not every environment has the same expectation for small talk. I watched this video on YouTube by Dr. Thomas Smithyman, and he explained that different situations have different expectations. For example, at a dinner, wedding, or networking event, conversation is highly expected. Sometimes it's weirder if you're sitting in the corner and not talking. In those situations, Thomas suggests that being direct is often the best thing to do. Hey, I don't think we've met. I'm Shawna. You might follow with, "How do you know the host?" or "What brings you here?" He explains that other environments have a medium expectation of interaction. If you're in a coffee shop, if you're in a taxi or a Uber, you might ask, "How's your day going?" And then comment on the place you're at, perhaps, and then there's places where interaction isn't really expected at all, like public transportation. If you're at the gym, if you're at a park walking around, the thing is, in the US, it's completely acceptable to talk in all three of those situations. One of the easiest ways to initiate a conversation is to look for what's called the third thing, something outside of both of you that you can both see or experience. That's probably why the weather is often commented on because it's obvious and everybody sees it. People in line might say, "Wow, this line is moving surprisingly fast." If you're at a restaurant, you might say to somebody, "Wow, that looks really good. What did you order?" I do this sort of thing all the time. I guess some people could think it's distracting? What do you guys think? Yeah, another thing I noticed is that when there's a dog or a baby, people tend to talk more often. In town, you see a woman with a dog, you might say, "Your dog is adorable. What breed is he?" Once again, the third thing is an obvious thing to comment on. Let's be honest, commenting on the environment gives the other person an easy way out. If they smile and give you a short response, that's fine. If they elaborate or ask you something back, that's a signal that the conversation door is open. Sometimes people want to talk. Sometimes they don't. I never take a short answer as a rejection because you can't control another person's reaction. Sometimes a person is tired, busy. Maybe they have a place to be. And I think respecting that is also a social skill. In English, we say, "Read the room." If someone gives you repeated one word answers, or if they're looking at their phone, not in your eyes, then chances are the conversation reached an end. If there's a smile and long answers, if someone's looking at you, then I'd say the door is open. Once again, in English, we say, "Read the room." Read the messages people are sharing when they're not speaking. We've talked a bit about the grocery store. And I'd like to tell you a little bit about my favorite grocery store, Trader Joe's. Have you ever been to Trader Joe's? They have a trick that is part of their business model that makes small talk incredibly easy. The cashier, so the person at the register, is required to say two things. First, they'll comment on one of your purchases. Oh, I love that salsa. It's so good with the organic white corn chips. It's authentic. The person has really tried the salsa, and so it's their honest opinion. And it gives me something to respond to. Maybe I've had it before, maybe I haven't. If I have, I might say, "Oh gosh!" I actually made chimichungas with it the other day, and it was killer. Then, if that conversation ends, they might say, "Any plans for the rest of the day?" That's Trader Joe's second trick. Any plans for the rest of the day? I use this all the time. And the reason I like it is Because you'll learn something about the person you're talking to. You might learn that they have kids because they're going to a soccer game. You might learn about their hobbies. Maybe their work. That second question opens up a lot of avenues for a continued conversation. So to review what we've talked about so far, they'll say, "Hey, how are you?" Or, "How's it going?" You can respond, "Good. How are you?" A trader Joe's they might say, "Oh, I love this salsa." This is attempt number one at a conversation, commenting on the third thing, and then opening number two. I can't tell you how much fantastic small talk I've had at Trader Joe's because of simple conversation starters like these. And there's a lesson here. Give people something to work with. One of the easiest ways to kill a conversation is to give completely closed answers. How is your weekend? "Good. What did you do?" Not much. It sounds like you don't really want to talk. Instead, from my research, to be a good conversationalist, you can give them what we call a "hook." Listen to this. How was your weekend? Pretty good. We went hiking Saturday, and then I spent Sunday trying to make homemade bread. Now, you've given them multiple roads they can take. They can ask where I hiked, whether I hike often, if I have a favorite trail, or maybe they're interested in baking bread too. They might ask me what kind of bread I made, how I got into baking, or maybe they'll say, "Hey, I made bread this weekend too." The point is, my answer isn't incredibly interesting, or fascinating, or perfect, but it gives them something to grab onto. So if you can, add a few extra sentences when you're giving a response. What did you do this weekend? Not much, just dot, dot, dot. This is the structure you can remember, ask, react, share. A few weeks ago, I was watching "A Love Is Blind" episode, I know I admit. I watched that show, I find it entertaining for many reasons, which I'll share in a later episode. But there was one specific participant who dated as if she were at an interview. She'd ask him, "Where are you from?" He'd say, "The name of the place," and then she'd quickly say, "What do you do?" How long have you lived there? iPhone or Android? Question after question after question. Technically, the conversation stayed alive, but it didn't create rapport, that connection. It felt robotic in a way, which is why sharing is important. You can also follow up. Where are you from? Brazil. Oh, nice, my husband is Brazilian. He's originally from a small town called Prima Veda in the state of São Paulo. What part are you from? Now both are participating. And at least in the US, the reaction really matters. Five speakers constantly use little responses, such as, "Oh, wow, really? No way! That's awesome!" Or, "Oh, no!" These little signals show the other person that we're listening. So if someone says, "I got stuck at the airport for eight hours," jumping straight to, "What did you do?" It worked grammatically, but a native speaker might say, "Eight hours?" "Oh, no! What did you do?" And then they sound slightly more engaged. Reactions show emotion. Emotion shows connection. It says, "I feel you." And from there, you can slowly go deeper. You were stuck at the airport for eight hours. So where were you headed? They say, "Japan." You can ask, "What inspired you to go to Japan?" Questions about motivation and inspiration are powerful. What motivated you to learn English? What inspired you to start? Anything about inspiration or motivation leads to stories, rather than simple facts. So if you want to get a story out of someone, and one that's meaningful, ask questions about motivation. Another useful technique to keep people talking without needing to ask more and more questions is to paraphrase. Just be a parrot. You know that bird that just repeats things? All you want to cracker, all you want to cracker, repeat the words the other person says in a slightly different way. "Oh, I started learning English because I wanted to travel more." "Oh, so travel was what really motivated you?" "Right, so you can just kind of repeat what they just told you?" We call this paraphrasing. That also tells the other person you're listening, and then they'll feel encouraged to elaborate naturally. Some people tell me that small talk feels superficial, but I'm a strong believer that it's essential. Small talk is what builds trust. It's a way to see if somebody is worth engaging in a deeper conversation. They show emotion when I shared my thoughts, or did they just talk about themselves. In a way, I see this as a stepping stone to deeper conversations. We just saw that in these examples when someone starts answering questions related to motivation and inspiration. One last tip to improve your small talk is to slow down. Another misconception about being a good conversationalist is that being socially skilled means being fast. We admire people who are quick and witty, so we may assume that a pause is an awkward silence. It's not. Clarity can come from slowing down, and pausing can come across as confidence. One gives you time to actually listen, to think and formulate answers instead of preparing your next sentence while the other person is talking. You can watch business owners like Steve Jobs, or impressive talkers like Oprah Winfrey, their masters of the pause. I wish, honestly, someone had told me this when I was younger. If you don't need to fill every second of silence, a short pause can make us sound more thoughtful. And it's great when you're a non-native speaker. Just look confident in those pauses. Give yourself some extra time. So yeah, I'm honestly feeling motivated right now. How about you? If you remember nothing else from this episode, remember this. You don't have to be interesting, just be interested. But here are some of the other takeaways. Look around you, make a comment on a third thing, and see if the other person responds. If they do, listen closely, react, show emotion based on what they say, paraphrase when it feels natural, and really let the other person take the lead. People love when others are listening. So you can show your listening by asking follow-up questions, maybe one or two, especially what inspired or motivated them. Remember, those kinds of questions lead to stories. Bear enough about yourself so that it doesn't feel like an interview. Give them roads to take, like my bread baking or hiking example. Pay attention to whether they want the conversation to continue. You don't need perfect English or a brilliant opening line. You just need to listen, react, and stay curious. In the US, I encourage you to talk to people. It's OK, really. One last note. There's one piece of research that I especially love for language learners. It's called. the liking gap. In a series of studies, researchers had strangers meet and talk to each other. Afterward, each person raided how much they liked the other person and how much they thought the other person liked them. And there was a consistent gap. People underestimated how much their conversation partner liked them and enjoyed talking to them. Basically, we tend to walk away from conversations, focusing on our own mistakes and insecurities. And I think that's especially worth remembering when you're speaking another language. You might leave thinking, "Oh no, I paused too long. What was with that grammar mistake? My pronunciation was so bad. I wish I sounded more confident." Meanwhile, the other person might simply be thinking, "Oh, she was really nice." Chances are, you made a better impression than you think. So go out today and try it. If it doesn't go perfectly well, try again. The only way to get better at small talk is to practice. And it's the first step to deeper conversations. And when you want to end the conversation, just say, "Well, it was nice talking to you. Enjoy your day. Bye." Thank you for listening to this episode of the American English Podcast. Remember, it's my goal here to not only help you improve your listening comprehension, but to show you how to speak like someone from the States. If you want to receive the full transcript for this episode, or you just want to support this podcast, make sure to sign up to premium content on americanenglishpodcast.com. Thanks and hope to see you soon. Our associates are committed to getting every detail right, carefully selecting and packing your order with care, because bringing you fresh, quality groceries is what we do best. And right now, enjoy $20 off your first online order of $75 or more. Restriction Supply, see site for details. Kroger, fresh for everyone. 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