Jordan and Esther engage in a candid, humorous, and deeply personal conversation about their emotional lives, relationships, and addictions. Jordan reflects on a recent shift into "monk mode" as a result of physical and mental exhaustion from touring, stress, and repeated relationship breakups. He discusses his struggles with sex love addiction (SLA), framing it as a compulsive need for connection and validation, and shares how rituals like eating or performing stand-up have become psychological coping mechanisms. Esther shares her journey as a new parent, revealing the emotional intensity and exhaustion of parenting while also expressing affection and joy toward her children. Both acknowledge patterns of emotional instability, often stemming from past relationships where they used performance or drama to mask deeper insecurities. They touch on the irony of their lives—where humor and performance are central themes, yet the underlying issues involve real emotional pain, self-worth, and connection. The conversation also includes discussions on therapy, self-reflection, and the absurdity of human behavior, with both admitting that their lives are shaped by performance, addiction, and a constant search for validation. Ultimately, they present a raw, relatable portrait of modern emotional struggles, blending comedy with vulnerability, and affirm that healing comes through honesty, not perfection. Their dynamic highlights how personal growth is not linear, but rather a messy, ongoing process of self-discovery and acceptance.
-Upa, welcome, everybody. Stop this world nine, no four, 800, stop. Call the visible hotline, we'll solve all your problems. We have two favorites returning to the couch. -Three. -Three. -Priety's never been on, hasn't she? -I don't think so. -I don't think so. -The last time you were here, I believe you left her at home. It was just you, no other souls, just me and you. Same thing with the first time you came on, Esther, it was just us, back in the old story of Margaret. -It was just me and you. -Just two souls. -Me and you and then every troll on the internet. -Oh, of course. That was a tough thing for me. -That was tough. -That was tough. -Yeah, yeah, yeah. -I know, and I really -- -I wasn't going to bring it up. -Yeah, yeah. Remember how last time you started with something controversial too early and it fucked up the ability to plug stuff? -Just so -- -Why are you bringing it up again and again? -Just so funny. -You can't wait to a minute, third to bring it up. -I wouldn't. -Yes, you were out of your mind. I was out of my mind. I was close break up. I was so mad. I was so resentful for all things with -- And I just wanted to fucking just throw shit at the wall. And I did and then I got to throw it at me. And I did see that there was a look in your eyes that was concerning. I was like, is she fully here? -Yeah, right, right. -And you weren't. But I also -- That was really funny because it was just like -- That was just talking to -- So much of the internet with comedy is like, talking to your friends the way you talk to your friends. -Yeah. -And then people clipping it out of context and making it seem like, like, I don't want credit for -- I wasn't calling out bigotry. I was telling my friend who was clearly having a psychotic break to stop saying slur. I was like, well, she's fucking here. If we don't do the episode, we're going to have to find somebody else. So, you know, whatever. Let's just get through it. -We're going through it now. -Yeah. -I was trying. -Yeah. -Then I was all the time. You can't even make fun of, like, a comedian friend of yours for doing something stupid without people being like, "Stop's taking 'em all down." -Oh! -And it's like -- -They were going to die in icy. It was insane. I was like, "What the fuck? This is my come-down, buddy. What's happening? What is happening?" My mom's like, "You see, he's down on 60 minutes." I was like, "What is happening?" I know. I did hit CBS Saturday morning. I was really trying to get moms this special. -You got my mom! -That's big. That's big because your mom is a hard one to target. -Oh, yeah. -What media does that type of person need to do? -Oh, my God. She's been sharing all your stuff. -Oh, yeah. -He's this guy. -He's going to change things. -I loved meeting her. She was awesome because I heard so much about her and then here, meeting her at the special was really nice. -Yeah. -Because she's exactly what you think she's going to be in an awesome way. -She's the Tiger King. -Yeah. But you do, honestly, immediately, you're doing way better. -Yeah, yeah. -I've seen you a long time. -Actually, that was the last time we saw each other. -No. -So, each other, like, maybe doing spots. But it was very in and out. -Yeah. -This is the first time we've really, like, looked into each other's eyes. -I was at rock bottom. -Yeah. -But it was causing that rock bottom. -It was one of the millions of breakups with the same guy. -Where are we at now? You free? Every time I talk, I feel like we have a lot going on where it's like, I feel like every time I go on, every time I go on, like, Caleb's podcast, or, like, Santino's podcast, I'm always talking about how this is the year I changed my life. -Yeah. -I think it's healthy. -Yeah. -And every time you come on this podcast, you've always just gone through a breakup that makes you insane in a different way, though, every time. -Different way. -So, how are we doing now? -Also, can I just say? -Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. -Let's also. She's got some dates. She's seared the Beacon Theater. -Beacon Theater. -What is it? -November 12th. -Great. I think that's next week. Next week. I'll be there next week, yeah, yeah. Just in a few days. -Just a couple days, go soon. -Um. -That. -Can I, wills it real quick? That is my favorite place to do stand-up. -Me too. -It is the best. -It's unbelievable. Look, I just did Radio City this year. It's awesome. It's a cool accomplishment, whatever. It feels the best to be at the Beacon. It's fucking awful. -Not if we don't sell it out there. -You're gonna sell it out. -It's gonna sell out. Don't worry a little bit. -It's so big. -It's so big. -Yeah. -I've opened for people there. -Yeah, it's incredible, right? -It's really incredible. -It's perfect. -There's a reason Seinfeld does. He's done hundreds of shows there. -Yeah. -He's got the record. But I'm nippin' at his heels. He's done 200. I've done three. -It's fun. -Yeah, yeah, yeah. -You're almost there. -I didn't take a little break. -Yeah. -Yeah. But yes, go see Jordan at the Beacon. Esther, is there anything you want to plug here? -My podcast, Trash Tuesday, and I have a new podcast called "Glowing Up." -I love that. -Yes. -Glowing Up in the concept that you got that name. -Well, it's an old podcast that I used to do like 10 years ago. We brought it back. -Wow. -Right, you would. -Yeah. -Also, it's not like a Pat Jordan. -Yeah. -What do you mean? -There's not like the podcast naming office. And it's like, "Oh, you got "Glowing Up." -Wasn't it? -No, he could name it whatever the podcast you want. -I used to have one. -Yeah. -You could have a podcast named. -Stobby's world. -Stobby's world. -Yeah, I could. -Wait, that would be weird. -It would be weird, I didn't know that. -You can really have the same name. -Who's going to stop you? -No, this happens. -Lawyers? -The Trash Tuesday used to be called "Blood Bath." And then another podcast tried to sue us, and we changed it. -Wow. -We kind of regret changing it. We should have just held our ground. -I like Trash Tuesdays. -I like it too. -I like it a little better, actually. -Yeah. -No. -Just, you know. -Yeah. -Okay, so anyway, back to it. Let's just check in on where you are, Jordan. Then we can kind of do a regular podcast. -I mean, last time I was here, it was the day after one of the break-ups. I was very, very, very resentful. Also, I was very much trying to be as edgy as possible, because that is what that particular person wanted me to be. -Oh, my God. Really? -I just explained everything. -You like. -Oh, he's like very. -What's going on with you then? -Take the hard line. -And that's why you were doing that after you got broken up with. -No. -Check a lot, psychologically. -I also did not. I was not aware at that time. -Right. -That you. You were the person to be like, "You actually can't even refer to that word by using the word." -Yeah. -I actually did not know that. -I really do believe you. -I thought it was like the word "beep" -where you could still say. -Okay, chill. [laughter] -Just calm down. -Leap that one out so people think she made. -I'm a really bad slur. [laughter] -What's the context? [laughter] -I acted. And then. -So that was all part of it. And I was super. I was super pissed off. I had also just been boxing. I was super angry and I was at truly a rock bottom. -It's fine. We know that. -And then. -What's going on now? -Oh, what's going on now? I went through another round. We broke up. We got back together. -And now, I'm like, have been months in, like, Balls Deep in SLA. -Sex love addiction. -Yeah. -Are you supposed to say it that way? Balls Deep? -Balls Deep. -Balls Deep. [laughter] -I'm humming. I'm humming all over the SLA right now. -SLA. It was a huge rock. It would be. [laughter] -Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm gagging on my lessons. -Yeah, yeah, yeah. It is SLA. -SLA is landing my service. [laughter] -Yeah, I'm sucking everybody off. [laughter] -Interesting. So, sex love addiction, huh? -Yeah, yeah. And that's, like, completely. -It's doing it for you? -I've, like, been in and out of the program and, like, had millions of sponsors believe me because, like, relapsed, and now I'm like. -What is it with this specific people or in general? This is an interesting idea. Because I've always thought, like, sex addiction's fake. Like, I've always thought, like, it's the kind of thing that, like, a guy gets caught cheating on his wife and he's, like, it was actually a disease. -Right. -It was actually. I have getting pussy disease. [laughter] -Yeah, yeah, yeah. -I have a terminal case of getting pussy disease. -Yeah. -So, but the older I get, the more I use, like, affection from women as a crutch. I'm like, "Oh, you can use this as a drug, for sure." -Yeah. -So, you think that's what's going on or is it more, like, relationship stuff for you? -Mindless. -Everything I have ever done is for the sake of having some, whoever it is, guy, really, really like me. -Okay. -And, like, doing stand-up was because a guy was, like, you should try stand-up. -Oh, wow. -I've been to jail. -A specific guy, or the general idea of the guy you want to meet someday. -Specifically, it's always a specific guy that I place is, like, my. -Interesting. -My Lord and Savior. -What ever happened to just, like, pretending to, like, sports? -I'm like, "Say you love Lord of the Rings." -Yeah, no, not enough pick me for Jordan. [laughter] -She's got to go for a burbo pick me. [laughter] -Yeah, yeah. She's got to end up in an orange jumpsuit. [laughter] -Or being dragged on Twitter. [laughter] -It has to be. I got to go to the distance. -That's interesting because I. -I respect that. [laughter] -Yeah. -Yeah, if you ever had those problems, Esther? -I was just, like, you know, again, like, "Oh, I love Lord of the Rings." -Right, right, right, classic stuff. -Yeah. -Just throwing out boy stuff to get attention. -Yeah, I love the Dark Knight Rises. Oh, my God. -We've talked about this, and you were, like, able to with your partner be like, "I'm setting a boundary. This is what I need, or else it's over." -Ultimate. -I've never set an ultimatum. -I've tried. -You've never set a boundary. -I've never set a boundary. -Yeah, yeah, yeah. -Yeah, yeah, yeah. -Okay, that's good. I'm happy for you. -Yes. -And I'm going to be single for 50. -It's just you up here is so tough. -No. -Like, you look like you need a set boundary. -It's not even an act. It's costuming. -It's not like. -It's literally people's. Because she wears car-heart khaki jackets. -Yeah. -I don't like school. She's tough. -Do you know what a fucking poet is to think that you're going to date somebody who's going to be. You're going to be able to wrap it up.
I don't care who you fuck and then you get with me and I'm like, it's forever too long. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - You can't ever get enough time for you. - But you need to hide that. Like I've heard from the West Village hot girls what they do is they share all that stuff with their friends and with ChatGPT or whatever. - Yeah, okay, don't do that. - Sorry, no, I don't. - Don't do ChatGP, don't do that. - Watch what happens when I love you. (laughing) - No, but then don't. - Look at this, look at this, don't read the name. I'm gonna type in the word. - Okay, okay. - I'm gonna type in the word call to ChatGPT, just the word call, C-A-L-L. Don't read the name, just say him. - And then what does? - No, don't call right now. The urge is the exposure, calling is the compulsion. - Okay, yeah, never mind, you're fucked. - I'm fucked. (laughing) You're fucked. - But I just think DVD. - You guys should go watch Artificial by Luca Guadminio. I got to see it early. To see what these AI cock suckers are really doing. - That's really good, it's a really good movie. But yes, stop using ChatGPT. - Yeah, I got to stop doing that. - But like, couldn't you just pretend that you're cool and chill and drink now? - No, no, no, no, she can't do that. - We're cool. - We're cool for pretending. Pretendings are you fucking in your 20s. - That would be a healthy person. Would be somebody who can self-regulate and go to their friends and be like, I'm having this feeling. - I'm freaking out, I love a thing. - No, in the moment I'm like, I'm like, what did you mean by that? Do you think that by that you meant that you don't wanna be with me? And he's like, I literally said I don't want spaghetti tonight. And I'm like, yeah, but like are you saying that because you're secretly trying to say that you don't? It's like obsessive, you're like obsessive, you're looping, you're trying to avoid abandonment at all times until you spin out into oblivion. And then you all of a sudden are like, I don't even know if I like this one. (laughing) - Wait, it's just a concept of that. - No idea. - Well, it's the concept of, it would be incredible in theory to be in a relationship with someone who knows everything to do it every time is in control. You can depend on them. Like building up someone you like and being like, well, this is the key to my entire life. That's an intoxicating of me, right? But it's obviously not true. It's like a child's idea of relationships, right? It's like, the reality is like it's gotta be a collaboration, a partnership, you're gonna fuck up, you're gonna fuck up whatever, whatever. Unless I do think there's a way to do it if you just never think about anything and you just go on pure emotion. Like sometimes people who have never even considered therapy or self-reflection, just exist. - The 17 year old and Omaha. - They get married. - Yeah. - But we've opened Pandora's Box and they've looked inwardly. Once you do that. - You're fucked. - Yeah, you're fucked. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. - No, totally. - And you just have to like actually, you know. I don't know. - Sometimes I like to, I would like start a fight just 'cause I was like in the mood to perform. - Yeah. - I'm like bored and want to feel drama. Of course. - Of course. - Like that's it. - Yeah, I wanna put out my little play. - Yeah, it's a play, it's a monologue. - It's interesting, interesting. And how would that be received? - Well, once I finally met a healthy partner and did the like, the first time I was like, well, maybe we should just break up. And then he was like, okay. And then I was like, don't wait. I'll be homeless. - Oh. - Yeah. - And I never did that again. - That's so funny. You're like, no, no, this is play acting. - Yeah. - It's like in certain cultures, like you're not allowed, like when people fight for the bill. - Yeah. - Like they have no intention. - Oh, yeah. - You're like, no, I don't really wanna break up. I want you to like, see me reach for my wallet. - Yeah. - You know what I mean? - Yeah. - I never meant it. Yeah, getting called on a bluff is really brutal. - Yeah, that taught me. - Yeah. (laughing) - Yeah. (laughing) - Is that where you were replaying those games? - I mean, I think realistically, once every other day, I was being like, well, maybe we should just break up. - And what would he say? - Oh, I've been saying this for weeks. (laughing) - He's like, I know, you won't leave my house. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's like, I've been trying and trying. (laughing) He called me Al Pacino from Glen Gary Glen Ross, 'cause he was like, every time I try and break up with you, you do this whole thing. We were like, let's sit down, let's have one. (laughing) Have a seat, have a seat, have a seat, have a seat. What are we doing? (laughing) - Well, I think it's good to be sort of aware of your issues for the first time in your life and work on them. - It just must. - I mean, therapy doesn't do shit. I just was like, I need somebody who I can literally text every second and be like, I'm doing the thing, I'm doing the thing. And I didn't realize how much. I mean, I always have some mother fucker in the way. - Therapy does something. - Yeah, I think you're completely right. - It does, yes, it really does do something. But for an addiction, you can't go to a therapist and be like, I'm thinking, I'm thinking that there's something in me that needs to stop drinking. It's like, you have to have, you have to do some program. If I, this has been five years of going back to the same dude. It's psychotic. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - And it was like, so now I have this. - And it's working for you. Your balls deep in SLA. - I'm balls. - You're single, you've been single for a while? - Since August. - Cool. That's good, it's pretty good. - Yeah. - Keep it going. (audience cheering) - Now, I haven't even jerked off since August. - You haven't jerked off? - No porn, no jerking off. - What? - Are you celibate? Have you also not had sex? Or you've had hooked up with random people? - No, no, can't. - Wow, so you're monk mode for real. - I'm monk mode, yeah. - Oh, this is fascinating. Not even beating off? - No beating off. - Why not? - Because then every time you do that, it like re-initiates thoughts about having sex or finding somebody or that you're lonely or that you should be, did it it it it it it it. - Hold on, though. This is just the teachings of the SLA or you doing this yourself. - You decide what your thing is. So every time I jerk off, I'm like. - You whip, you take a fucking change. - You go like this. - You whip your back. - Can't use so much. I loop up like this. - Yeah. - You spray rubbing alcohol on your pussy. - Yeah. - And afterwards you're like, "Bad, bad, yeah." - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Me beating off is me literally beating it all. - I will, look, I'm not a doctor. I think you need to slowly start folding jerking off back into those. - Of course, the bad. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - There's a whole, you have a whole plan. - Okay, go to be a good guy. - Because this to me sounds like. - Sexual anorexia is what they call it. And they will not let you do that, my sponsor. - That's what I was gonna say. That's dangerous. - It's very dangerous. - You can't go completely cold turkey on something. - Yeah, yeah. - You're just gonna relapse harder if you do that adventure. - No, and it's very much like in the program, you once you get to a certain amount of steps, then you start thinking about what you're comfortable with. You have a dating plan, other than that. - Cool. - It's rules. - Now let me ask you this, and you know, again, it's anonymous, you don't have to say anything. It's all, the fun, the like, the scumbag guys have always been like, you know, like the jokes were like, you should go to a sex addiction and meeting, you get pussy, you know. And to me, it seems like the saddest, it's gotta be so sad in there, right? - It's so funny whenever I go to a co meeting with where it's, 'cause usually I just go to women's meetings because it's weird, 'cause honestly, it's disgusting, what men say? - Really? - Yeah, it's like so depressing. It's like, in general terms, don't say their names, obviously these people are in recovery. - Don't say what they can be the answer to. Women are being like, he left me on red, and like, I just feel like I need to block him, and like, I need to move on and be able to drop it. And then with men, with men, it's like, I, it's like, I saw the corner of an image on a magazine where there might have been something that looked like a titty. - Right. - And now I've been jerking off furiously, I've been pulling my dick off until I say, it's like, and you see, like, that men are just these retarded kids. - Yeah, it's like, yeah, you know, it's my daughter's birthday, but I actually, I drove past a woman's lingerie boutique, and I actually then took out all the money from her college fund to have sex with high-end prostitutes in a few weeks. It's stuff like that. - It's stuff like that, and it's also just stuff like, I sneezed and it reminded me of sex, and now I can't, like, you guys are so compulsive with the actual coming. - True. - It's so compulsive with love, and those two things, seeing them, seeing one woman be like, I just want an emotional connection and men being like, "Oh, I just want to come, you're so like these to me." - I need a workplace to unload. - Yeah, totally, and then almost as worse when you do get a guy who's like, I just wish that you would call me back, then you're like, this is even-- - You're like, we'll see. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, scary. Go get addicted to actual sex. What are you fucking gay, dude? But yeah, it's rare for there to be co-ed me. - I mean, if you go to a co-ed meeting, yeah, totally. - Yeah, I mean, to me, that does sound, like, it does sound crazy to have co-ed sex meetings. It's like, 'cause it's just what you, like, yeah. How would a guy who's addicted to fucking hear a woman, you know, recount the time? I mean, I guess we literally did this on tires, I'm realizing. I literally, we played that joke out. - You're not allowed to also, like, in the meetings that I go to, you're not really allowed to like, intimately describe sex. That's like a boundary they say. - So I used to go-- - I used to go to OA, O-Reader's Anonymous, flex, but I had to stop going because I would get triggered if someone would be like, oh, I pulled over and ate three blueberry pies and I would be like, thinking about-- - I want a pie, I want a pie. - Yeah, and so I was like, this is not-- - I know, I was like, this isn't helpful. - Oh, I could not go to O-Reader's Anonymous. I would be fucking, I would be getting the biggest pizza every time. Like, I can't, I'm really thinking about, 'cause I'm trying to read, you know, I'm blah, blah, blah, this is the story of my, the way your sex addiction issues, my food addiction is, there's the hamster wheel I'm running on and all the relationships, I mean, also relationship stuff, but let's fix my body first. - Why aren't you doing jail, P1? - I am. - Oh. - Yeah, yeah, and it stopped me from getting much fatter. I've lost like four pounds in like this year 'cause I was so, I was pushing it to, with the world's most sophisticated weight loss drugs. I have lost four pounds in a year.
Wait. Wait. Okay. Yeah. Go ahead. Go ahead. So go ahead. Wait, it's so fun. And you're special when you're like, I lost 70 pounds, but this is how I look. It's so fun. No, it's like, I had to lose 70 pounds too. I say, again, it's my act, but two, where three acts? Yeah. That's fucked up, dude. And I was, you know, after the special got filmed, I think there was like a weight lifted off. Like a psychological weight was lifted off me. I felt so good. And I weirdly dropped like 10 pounds immediately. Yeah. And I was like, whoa, this is awesome. And then I realized, like, oh, fuck, I have to promote this. We have to finish the edit. And because I broke my arm, we had to edit the whole thing in like six weeks, do the promo stuff in six weeks. So once I realized, like, oh, wait, fuck, I have so much work to do. I got really fucking depressed this last month and just push the GLP ones to the limit. Yeah. And like, I have I have broken. You're hopefully seeing me right now at the fattest. I'll be fingers crossed, folks, after this. You're going to see the next batch of episodes. I'm going to be slightly less fat. But yeah, I'm the depression is coming. You feel too much stress. I've been, yes, this last couple of months have been very stressful. Oh, because you've had too much on your play. Yeah, we literally, yeah, both too much on my play. Yep. Yep. Exactly right. How are we going to finish this? Just putting, I mean, if you saw my fucking like door dash history this month, it's brutal. Yeah. I should have to, honestly, I should have to start matching every door dash order to a charity. That's what I'm going to start doing. Let's start doing that, eldest. I am going to Matt every time. And actually, then I'm going to start saying, well, now I'm helping people. You know, that's why I did try that. I have to start like donating to like the fucking like I tried. I was like, I'm going to donate every time I went to a dash, I have to give money to IDF. Yeah, I have to do stuff like that. No, just you don't like very much. Oh, yeah. That's what I have to give them like great days. I have to like send them money. I had a friend where I was like, every time I reach out to him, I'm going to send this person $200. Oh, wow. And it didn't help. Well, you're describing as either an enemy or an ex. It has to be like, it has to be like a friend. What do you mean a friend you don't like? That's not like a friend. You know, like a friend is not what a friend is. A friend that you're like, yeah. We have a lot of. All right, man, let's stick with the sex stuff before we get into this. This is a friend. You have friends you don't like not really. You don't have friends that you're like, I love them, but I don't want if they're them having my money pisses me off. No, I don't get you just like I want that friend to have it. You don't have any friend that you're like, I know they're going to use it for some time. Well, I'm sure I'm confused about the context. Okay, fine. Send it to me. I like you though. Yeah, but you know, I'm going to do some bullshit. That's true. That's true. That's true. I'm going to buy her a nice harness. I think that's not. We just for food talk for one second, of course. Yeah, George called the podcast. Let's get to your issue. Doesn't it bother you like when you order delivery that it's so it's not like hot and fresh. Hell yeah, that's the best part about U.S. there's like no one would understand that we actually are so aligned with food stuff. You're a tiny cute woman and you're still like actually like a real piece of shit of real fabulous shit in your heart. Yeah, like it's just if I'm going to like that's going to be my meal. It needs to be. I don't know. Well, there is something to that's why I like to pick up, especially in New York, planning it so that you like know like the restaurants near, but you're picking it up along the way. Okay. You have it. That's nice. And then also like, yeah, I mean, this may be more of an L.A. problem. Yeah, I think also I don't think that you're accounting for the fact he's probably ordering so much. That stays hot. They're inside. Yeah, they're bringing you bring it in catering. Yeah. So actually, I come home and there's like three African guys with like those aluminum trays with like the little candles. And they're like, I can see you, Mr. Halkey. Today it's mac and cheese and brisket. I'm like, yeah, very good Pierre. Yeah, it's never a real problem for me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. George, right. I order the I order like you know, when you go to a restaurant, they have the challenge to put you in the wall. I order that through. Take it. Yeah. I'm like, hey, you already take my Polaroid. Just give me the 10 pound burger. It's like the middle. I'll cut the middle. I'll just cut the middle. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's like when you ball out with one of your other buddies and you're like, what if we just went crazy? Yeah, alone. No, legitimate. Yeah. Yeah. And in fact, even when the GLP one was working, I had a I had a period where I would like order like, you know, a hundred dollars of Chinese food and take like like four like three bites of each one and be done. And that was weird because I was losing weight, but I was just like being so wasteful. And it was just like this, it was a psychological ritual thing where I was just like, I like getting high ordering this. And when you know, I wasn't, you know, I think when I'm very stressed and also been going down like the dose, I have to go up on the the max dose. I have been like not going up recently. Like I can overcome them very easily. And so, but there was a weird feeling because it's like it makes the food noise. I'm so sick of hearing that. Yeah. Women being like, it just stops the food noise. I'm like, not who I am is food. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. All my thoughts are what I'm going to eat next without that. I might be a pedophile. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. We haven't even. Yeah. If it wasn't for all the cat, the like disruption. I might kill people. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. If it wasn't just like about Losagna. Yeah. Yeah. I might be thinking about I don't know what people put that out of the pot, me saying that out of the podcast. I don't want people having that sound bite. I don't know who I would be. And sometimes I get excited about it because even when I'm not eating, like when I'm trying to watch my weight, I'm so excited about how far I can push it. So then when I do eat. Okay. So this is eating snow. Yeah. I mean, you have five things. We'll start with SLA. And then it's like, I mean, yes, what is the point of living if it isn't to push yourself to the edge and then go, wow. I mean, it's the most fun thing. Are you still off sugar? I can't do sugar. I can't do sugar. I can't do it. Wow. You don't need sugar. I don't eat any sugar. I can't do it. It would look too crazy. That's a level of like self-control that's fascinating for you to have because you have no self-control anywhere else. It's like, it's like it took forever to stop. Yeah, of course. And now that it's stopped, I'm so scared to start again that I almost have OCD about it. When you though, yeah. So the only way for you to be healthy is to actually move it into a different type of unhealthy. Right. Yeah. A different. Yeah. I have to be like all or nothing. Yeah. True shame if I do it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I think like the point of, I see where you're saying, I think the point of life is just live as happy as you can live and even killed and create real connections and meaningful things. Yes. Not be led by your various addictions to destruction. You don't think it's so fun. It is really fun. It is really fun. It is so two days where you're hardly anything and then you just eat two cheeseburgers in a row. Yeah. Well, first of all, you think I need two days of fasting. Yes. Love it. In my most fucked up, what I love doing is is, especially when you're on the road and it's like, stay up late as fuck. Eat like a fucking animal. Try and have sex with a stranger, whatever. Do drugs. Go to bed around like three past the fuck out. Feel horrible. Yeah. Horrible. Right. It's a fucking emergency. I'm like, "Oh, this go get me a fucking green juice. I'm going to kill myself." Like I get, I take a cold shower. I feel like shit, I force myself onto an elliptical for like get the hangover out for 20 minutes. Nothing crazy. Just get a little sweat going. Sleep. Sleep until 4 p.m. Yeah. I haven't eaten anything because I had such a big meal at 2 a.m. I had so much fried chicken at 2 a.m. that I, you know, what I'm not hungry. Have a sensible meal, a pre-show, right? Yeah. Whatever. But sleep until seven, whatever. Have literally something healthy like a salad and some chicken, whatever. Wake up, feeling awesome because I've slept all day. I've been sort of healthy. Get a coffee at seven, so I'm guaranteed to be up till whatever. Yeah. You do the show and now you've got the momentum of like the energy of a good show. I'm just gonna do drugs and fuck it. And yeah, exactly. And now it's midnight. Yeah. I feel the best I've ever felt it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And a girl with a lip ring is DMing me. Yeah. You know what I mean? What do you think I'm doing? You think I'm not getting an Uber and a different, you know, I think I'm tracking both DoorDash and the Uber to see when my two vices come to me. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Cause you have to eat half of it before you fuck. Yeah. No, it's post. I can't eat the, the, the, the, I can't eat that and then fuck. Really? I got to be, it's got to be after. I need a little, I'm going to need a little taste for stamina. Yeah. I wish. Or else I'm not going to enjoy the sex. I'm going to be thinking about the Chinese with all the Chinese was dessert. No, no, no, no. I'm going to be like, I'm going to be like, I'm going to be like, when you eat like a greasy cheeseburger and a milkshake, then I'm like, oh, I feel so disgusting. Like that's when you want to have sex. Yeah. No, you're like, yeah, we're already a filthy. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. I like this. Yeah. Listen, I think there's ways to negotiate both of these, you know, modalities of thought, right? But we don't have to, plenty of them. I think he wants to perform well. We're like, I want right. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's about my, yeah. I want you to hurt my deal. I think it's all already not great. Yeah. So if I'm, if I'm throwing a cheeseburger out right before, that's tough. You don't need that. I don't need to slow my blood down as it's going to my soft dick. You know,
I mean, I need to put boosters on my blood, not fucking pork fat right before I'm about to get sucked off. - Yeah, that makes sense. - But listen, if you don't think it my absolute worst, I mean, the most, I hooked up with girls was I was the fattest and most impotent in my life. 'Cause it was the most addicted to everything I was. So, you know, I would just fucking just like. - So now what do you do? - Honestly, this tour has been kind of tame, right? I'll just like, even you can attest to this. It's like, - You've been like too sick to even think about fucking for like so much of it. - Because nausea if I'm the jailbie ones? - No, just like, I pushed my horrible body to the limit this year and it was like, if it wasn't my back, it was my, you know, I was getting, I was getting strep throat every other fucking time. - Yeah. - And then I would fuck and because I have a backpack, there was one time, it's like, I, listen, I did too good a job. What can I say? I care about women's pleasure. And I also very fat in my back, thank you, I listen. And the exact motion I probably shouldn't be doing is fucking because of my, I think I have an L5S1 problem. I don't know what it is. - I know exactly what it is. - And I have a nerve impingement. Anyway, so I would be, and actually every time I've, like, I actually got hurt or sick every time I hooked up this year on the road and I think that was God sending a message to go monk mode. I'm considering going monk mode, breathe. - I have not gotten sick since. - That's interesting. - No, and I was sick every fucking weekend. I was so sick, I was downing fucking day, well, to go on stage. - You think masturbating was making you sick? - No, I think, I mean, I think the bad relationship. - I really should broke up with every day. - And let me say monk mode for me is also sicko mode. Like, I stay up till 4am, painting and being insane and drawing and writing, and then I sleep till 1. It's great, but I'm not, and I do eat a lot of popcorn during that time. - Okay. - But like, there's nothing wrong with that. - But there's nothing on it, because I still have the edy thing. So I'm being at crazy person, pretending it's healthy. - Well, you can go so high for you. - You can go so high for you, but also the, but if you really do the math, it's not that good. - No, if you make it at home, if you make it, no, it's not good for you at all. - Listen, I have my belt. - Who are you talking to? - Okay, okay. - I have done this exact, we all have eaters. - We all have my, yeah. (laughing) - Yeah, yeah. - But being a monk doesn't mean all of a sudden turning into a girl who holds her cups like this. Like, it does it. - That's not good. - You have this problem too though of like, your relationship with femininity and womanhood is like, no, no, I don't think you're a lesbian. I don't think you're trans. I just think like you have, or non-binary or anything like that. But you do have issues with like, you know, and I get them, right? - Being at dumb. - No, no, no, no. I don't know, you just have like this weak, I guess. - Antifa. - Well, I called her girly. - I am. - And she like fortunately, the ultimate pick man, it's disturbing. - But it's interesting you say that it's like, guide dependent, 'cause that makes sense to me now in hindsight. 'Cause I do feel like you've been like four different people the amount of time we've been friends. And I think when we first met and you probably were single, like you had like a zest for life. - Yeah. - That was gone for years. - Five years has been horrific. - Yeah. - Yeah. - Yeah. - It's so crazy. - Yeah. - Dude, I was like. - This is a guy like took it away from you. - It's been five years of literally like torture that you would give somebody. - This is like, I have like several friends were at the same thing. Like they had a zest for life and then they fall into it with some kind. - Just imagine somebody being like, I love you so much, I'm sorry. And the next day being like, I don't want to be with you. And you're like, okay, and they're like, I'm so sorry, I said that. It is psychological warfare. - Yeah. - What you do is leave the second time they do that. You're like, oh, they're out of their mind. I have to go. - I know. - But you know that now? - Yeah, I know that. - And you're older and wiser now. It's fine. - Yeah. - That's good. I'm happy for you. You know, you've, and it's very, it's interesting that this is a nice, the symmetry on this podcast is good because I think we're kind of aligned and then we have two people here. Esther, since you, last time you were here, you've had not one but two kids. - Yes, I do. - Which is awesome. - That's, and I'll just send you dad too. - Oh my God. - And we have now. These two have their lives figured out and me and you were kind of fucked in many ways. Emotionally, psychologically, physically in my case. Maybe yours too. I don't know what you're up against. - I'm okay. - Yeah, you're okay. - I'm just in here. - It's okay. - You've been boxing and shit. - Yeah. - You've actually been good about your health, I think. - I've been good about my health. - Physically. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Physically. - Yeah. - But also, yeah, but other things go, the problem with me and you is the worst shit gets better shit, good shit still happens. - Right, right, right, right. Life rewards you well, because these two things, people really think like career and life are intertwined. They're actually completely separate things. - Yeah. - And that like, the worst your life is, the better your, and especially, and then it feeds into it where you're like, I know this will harm my life, but will give me a, will help my career and it's like. - Yeah. - That's when you have to, that's what I gotta work on, is my, that's my, my current addiction, I have to, I mean, a lot of them, but. - But anyway, who gives a fuck about us? I want to talk about Esther's children. - Oh. - Or just like what it's like. - Just the place for that. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Or just like, or just like, do you have any advice for our new dad? - What, how old is your baby? - Uh, three weeks now. - Oh my gosh, you should not be here. - Yeah, yeah, I know. I was like, hey man, we can cover. He's like, my God. (laughing) - Get me the fuck. - We literally hired like two assistant editors. We're like, yeah, well, we're not gonna have elders for months. He's like, yeah, my wife's got it. She's got it on the controller. (laughing) I was fully prepared to not see elders here until the next year. And he's like, yeah, fuck it. - Why did you do the mom's? - I'm addicted to podcasting. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, this is addiction is podcast producer. He's ignoring his son, the podcast. - Does addiction is that one little podcast? - No, you want your partner there. You like the help, yeah, yeah. You want help, for sure. - Unless he's elders. (laughing) He's like, you know what? He's like, uh, why don't you go do the podcast? (laughing) - The baby's the man, but yes, how, what's any advice for our new boy? - It's a boy. - It's a boy. - I had a boy too. I didn't want a boy, but now I'm just-- (laughing) - You know what? I kind of wanted like a girl by a little bit. I didn't really care, but I was like, a girl would be cool, but he's awesome. - He's the man. - But it wouldn't be cool. There's no little girl, I mean, I guess you have nieces, but like our whole crew, everyone, it's boys all over the place. - Did you circumcise? - Hell no. - Yes, sir. - Yes, sir. - No, we didn't either. - Thank you so much. - It wasn't my preference. - Thank you. (laughing) - As I say on stage, I won't be hooking up with him so I don't care. (laughing) - What, whenever they ask me at the hospital, I would just give the sternum's like, no. (laughing) It's a very short no. - Yeah. - Are you uncircumcised? - Come on, girl. - Uncircumcised? - Of course. - Yeah, of course. - I wanted to, and then once I met him, I was like, I'm not doing it. - When you met the baby? - Yeah, I was like, we're not. I'm not cutting you. I was in the hospital with my friend who had a new baby and they were like, we're gonna take him to get circumcised and my monkey brain just grabbed the thing and was like, - Are you sure? - Yeah. - And my friend was like, yeah. And I was like, how are you gonna welcome your child into the world by slicing their cup? - And then it comes back with a little bandage wrap. It's brutal. - Their first, their third day on earth is marked with excruciating pain. And that's, by the way, a third of their life. - Yeah. (laughing) - Yeah. - That's the equivalent of me having a cut penis for nine years. (laughing) - Wait, way more. - Yeah. - I know, I'm so bad at math. - Three time, 27, 10, 10, 11, 10, no, three years. - 12, 12.1. - 12.1. - Do you feel like you want kids? - Probably, well, you know, I used to be like, I used to be kind of like, push comes to shove, I'll probably have kids. But then like, honestly, weirdly, the people closest to me having kids, like, eldest, my brother, our other best friend that we moved into our story apartment with together, Christina. There's like, right now, four babies in my life that I really care about. - Yeah. - And I'm like, I think this might be enough for me. Like, because I do think there's something to being a, 'cause like, I think immigrants in particular, an uncle is not an American uncle. Like, American uncles are like a guy you see at a barbecue four times a year. With immigrants, it's like, your uncles are every, like, your uncle's like, they're there. I'm gonna see eldest's kid all the time. I go, I've instituted a rule where I have to go to Baltimore once a month to see my nephew. And you know what? I ran up against it, scheduling wise, where it was kind of annoying to do last couple of months. But I was like, this is as important. If I'm gonna do, if I'm gonna like move things around for work, I have to move things around for my nephew. And so, I think if I keep that level of, and then, you know, ultimately it's like, if I end up with something that really wants kids, maybe who fucking knows? If podcasting is still economically viable, at that point, maybe we'll do it. But, I don't know if I, are you worried about AI stuff? - What? - No. - We think it is? - For having kids, no, that's not gonna stop. It's not gonna stop. - What do you mean worried about AI stuff? - I don't know, I'd be so worried. - It's like the world being bad. - Yeah. - Every point. - Yeah, yeah, everyone. - You can't stop having kids, humanity. - I worry about my dog. I'm like, well, you're insanely merciless. (laughing) - I was similar to you where I didn't have a strong feeling about wanting them or not. And me and one of my best friends, was what I was just to say, like, either having kids or not having kids, both seem equally terrifying. - Right. - We were terrified by both. But I feel like now,
that I have had a child, I actually think both options are good. - Yeah. (laughing) - Right. - I love-- - That's a much better perspective than they're both bad. (laughing) - That's what being a mom can do. I love having children, but I also look at what you lose out on them. That's really great too, so I feel like both are good. - Well, that's the other thing is seeing what it takes to have a baby in particular and being like, Jesus, when my brother and sister-in-law visited me last year, he was like nine months, eight months, whatever. Couldn't really walk, had to be constantly supervised. Your whole life is on, if this baby has a fucked up nap, one fucked up nap ruins your life for three months. (laughing) It starts this chain of events where you're fucked, you're so fucked for a month or whatever. And I was, as exhausting as this year has been, the most exhausted I've been is like, when a baby just was like waking up in the middle of the night, you know what I mean? And it just seems like a lot. And so two things have happened where I'm like, the day to day seems like tough for me, but also the actual connection with these babies is like, I just really love them. - It's its own drug. - Yeah, yeah. - It's the way that you're-- - How does your baby yourself? - I have a two year old and then my son is seven months. But you seem slept. - I do, okay, I'm also like, it is a drug. Like when my baby starts crying at 2 a.m., I'm like, oh, I'm so tired, but I'm also like, hey. (laughing) - That's so cute. - Okay. - I know you mean, that's how my brother feels too, where he's just like, I mean, he loves my nap. And that's the other thing. I love these kids so much. I can't imagine what it feels like. And it almost is a little scary where I'm like, fuck dude, would I even be able to handle it? Would my anxiety, would like, 'cause I guess I'm realizing a lot of my life is trying, it's not, I haven't figured out how to not care about things. I'm just trying to keep the things that I care about or scare me out of my life. - Yeah. - Related to tips, whatever, I'm avoiding them. And that's what I'm kind of focusing on my career. 'Cause it's like, honestly, it's kind of low stakes. Who really gives a fuck at that? - Right, but also the amount that the career stress is us out. I imagine if I had a kid, I'd be like, well, that doesn't matter. I don't need to go to fucking Cleveland. - That's a good point. I think that would probably help and make you a regular human. - But that scares me. 'Cause then I'm like, then I would just be like, there's no reason to do this shit. Now I have no money and a child. - No, no, you're thinking for me, please. - But I think that's a lot of extremes. Your thoughts are out there. - Yeah, there we go, I just bring her back down to earth. It's not one or the other. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Cleveland, never work again. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - No money. - Like, you have that where you're just like, why would I ever tour if I have a beautiful little baby? - Yeah, but you kinda like, you know, balance? - Yeah, I don't know, balances out. - Yeah, that's fair. - Yeah, that is, yeah, I don't know. And why did you not want a boy? You were just like, you don't hang with boys. - I just never, I didn't have a brother. Like, I just didn't know what to do. I don't have like guy interests. - Right, right, right. It's really scary. - You throw on Lord on the rings. Lord of the Rings. - Yeah. - I think Lord of the Rings are your fucking newborn. - I was like, the full nine months. I was like, I can't wait for you to be the pick me mom. - Oh, I already am. The second I am mad at him, I'm like, this is, I looked at my husband. I was like, this is my husband. - I'm like, I really love you, dude. - I love you, dude. - I love you, dude. - He sucks on my titties. He's my boyfriend. - Yeah. - I love him. He's so handsome. - Sounds like he's gonna have a really regular relationship with him. - Yeah. - Sounds like you're prepping him for a Jordan style life. - Yeah. (laughing) - I know. - No, that's cute as fuck. - Honestly. It is really funny to just be like, wow. Even if you fight, if you, you can fight, like growing up, but it's pathetic, right? It's like, it's like, when you get to your late 30s, it's like, even if, like, except even if I don't have kids, it's like, you gotta turn into an uncle. You turn into an uncle or a dad. You can't just try and be cool. - Yeah. - And we see it all the time with comics. It's like, you see these fucking 50 year old guys were a single or whatever? Or then God forbid they get divorced. That's a real tough one. You go double sleeve, double tattoo, you get a cool tattoo, you get fucking, you go to fucking Turkey, get hair plugs and now you're trying to fuck, you know. - I am leading into the weird ant thing and it is so, up my house, there's an entire crawl space that's like, I've made into a fairy land with all many occurs, I dug up. - Can I come? - That's so funny. - It is so fun. I've literally bought a fairy cottage. - That's so cute. - And it's, yeah. And I'm always like. - Oh, you're perfect for weirdy. - Yeah, I'm like, you're perfect for weirdy. (laughing) - Yeah, I'm a perfect girl. - I'm a weird uncle. - I'm saying showaries, yeah, it's the best. And my niece all the time just goes, she calls me Auntie Dodo. - Awesome. - And she's like, "She was like, "You're completely crazy." That's all, she says, "You're completely crazy." Auntie Dodo's, 'cause you can't say J's and my nickname's JoJo. - Oh, that's so cute. - Auntie Dodo. - And it fits. - Recently, my boy hit me with Uncle Stav. Crazy. Crazy. - Oh, wait, your special's called Uncle Stav. - Uncle Stav, because of him, obviously. That's the whole thing. But yeah, he, and I had, I said it and it was like him, I, it was named that and then hearing him just say it independently was like the best thing. - That is the best. - Yeah, he's the fucking man. So I'm excited. I'm excited to be a corrupting force in his life and eldest son's life. (laughing) I can't wait to undermine eldest at every turn. (laughing) - I just never bring my kid around. (laughing) - It's kind of cool 'cause I get to be a divorce dad without ever having kids. - Yeah. - I'm, I'm realizing what I really am is somewhere between, I'm like a great uncle and I'd probably be a pretty bad dad. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - And so I'm like set, I'm like one and a half uncles and like 0.75% of a dad, I think, you know what I mean? And so like, why don't just be a turbo uncle or it even's out of stepdad at some point. Probably is what's gonna happen. I think, I think I could make that happen. - Or older dad. - Older dad could work, but then I'm like, older, being older dad, you gotta be healthy. - Yeah, you do. - You know what I mean, like, I'm gonna be an older dad and fuck it. - You're just gonna be dead. - I'm gonna be dead when he's in third grade. - No. - You know what I mean, like, I'm just, diet 61. My fucking, my son has a list but my funeral. - You know what I mean, yeah. (laughing) - He's like, he's wearing an Osh-Gosh bagosh suit at my funeral. I can't have that. (laughing) - Yeah, dude. - You don't wanna put a fucking seven year old in all black? - Yeah. (laughing) - So we'll see, we'll see. Or maybe I get my health in order. - That'll be whatever. - And old dad is always slightly angry dad. It's slightly angry dad. Even if you're trying not to be, there's still that breath that comes out. Where you're like, - But old dad is good. 'Cause you don't wanna a young guy as your dad. - You do. - No, a young guy is a nightmare. They're awful. - Did you have a young dad or an old dad? - I had an old dad. - I had a young dad. It was the best. - Why? - He don't know me. - He's talking about time. - Hey, hey. - Hey. - Hey, man. - Hey, listen. - This is called holding you accountable. We are not gonna talk about how awesome your relationship to your father when that clearly is the problem for everything in your life. That is clearly the problem. You have just proven as to the point. - It was so awesome that I was in love with him. And I've been trying to find him ever since. (laughing) Every pot guy's talking, go, no, not quite. No, not daddy. You looking at me like, "Dad, are you in there "knocking on the ball?" - That's how sick it was. (laughing) - So, excellent. Esther wins that round of debate. - Okay, is your dad alive? - He is, yeah. He's 85. - Whoa, healthy guy though, probably. Thin guy? - He's skinny, yeah. But he got healthy like after. - Okay. - He has to play tennis. - No, just running. - Running, yeah. - 85, running is crazy. - Well, no, not anymore. - Okay. (laughing) - Yeah. I vote for old dad, I don't know. - Old dad's nice. - Wait, how old are you? - I'm 38. - 38, I think that's the money. I think that's perfect. - No, our brains have been warped by being an entertainment. That's, we're all a little, like, all of us have grown up a little, it took a little longer than it should have. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Everything should, if we turn the bag even like, I don't know, four years. I think we're all looking good. - Yeah. - You'll be fine. You just got it just under the, - Yeah. - You will know this just slid under me and Jordan or fuck. - We are. - Don't do that. - Yeah. - I know, that's the more important thing. I could do it. - You could be a good step mom. - Yeah. - Yeah. - Totally. - Now, when you also fuck your steps up. (laughing) - I was thinking that as you said it. (laughing) - You have part of a history with that blended family. - Yeah. - You kind of, they blended the family a little too good over there. - Nothing's off limits. (laughing) - My dad was an off limits. You better believe my stepfather was it. - Right. - My dad kept going no, no. - Do you think, would you talk like this about your dad if he was alive? - Fuck, no. - Okay. - Oh my God, thank God. I killed him so I could do my best. - Right, people don't know that. Jordan actually murdered her dad. And that's what a lot of this is about. - We had a crush on each other. He had a crush on me too. - I think what you're describing is loving his daughter. (laughing) - No, they were fine. - I think you were dealt with this untimely death in a weird way. - Yeah. - And maybe let's zero in on that. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Instead of talking about how it doesn't work. (laughing) - Listen, who's to say? (laughing) - He would know if he was alive. If he was alive. - No, he wouldn't. - He would say if only she wasn't my daughter. (laughing) - And that would be good to you? - Now if he wanted. - You wouldn't want to hear that from your dad. - I wanted my whole life. (laughing) - Okay.
So literally go to therapy and talk about nothing else, but that sentence. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - And let's start on nothing. Yeah, yeah, okay, okay, all right. - And he goes, he goes, I wish you had a better father figure. And I go, am I gonna fuck my therapist? - Right, okay, new thing, female therapist. - Female therapist. - You're gonna need one. - I mean, I was, I remember being in Baltimore and I had a therapist that I was truly in love with in a way where it was like, I don't know, I had, this would happen to me a couple times where I would charm like an authority, like a teacher or something. And it kind of was the vibe of like, oh, who not, like not nothing too creepy or whatever, but like in college, I'd have like an old professor. - Bro, if you're fat, you flirt so well as a child. - Oh, that's interesting. (laughing) - I didn't think to get a muffin. - Not everything. (laughing) - Because you have-- - You learn how to sweet talk an adult if they have access to desserts. (laughing) - It's crazy. (laughing) You're like, I'm already fat, so I have no shame. (laughing) It's the best. - All right, let's write that one down and put that right under that. - Yeah. - That's gonna be number two. (laughing) - I am already fat. - And you see this. - So I have no shame. - You see, you're giving friends that you have no shame. (laughing) It helps. I have hot friends and I'm like, why aren't you flirting? Go tell that guy he's got a little dick and the proof you're wrong. - And they're like, no, oh, and I'm like, dude, I'm covered in cupcake. I'll say anything. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I've been frosting. - Oh, interesting. So you are so debased. In your mind, being fat is so embarrassing. - Embarrassing. - Embarrassing. - That what's getting rejected by an adult? (laughing) - Everybody's already rejected me. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Totally, I might as well, okay. - Okay, and again, mind a weirdo. - We don't have to get into it too much, but you also were groomed as a child. I remember it's that correct. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. - Jordan, there's a lot you got to deal with. Everything you're saying that's positive is actually really negative. (laughing) Everything that you've stated is a good thing. It's bad. (laughing) Your entire brain is fucked. And you need to figure that out. (laughing) And so that's the person you're gonna be getting advice from today, folks. (laughing) So why don't we go to the, why don't we hit the visible hotline eldest? And let's not forget, listen, is this bad for Jordan's health and well-being, yes? It makes for good standup, folks. Go see her at the Beacon Theater coming up. - Yeah, your clips have been so good. - Oh, thank you. - Yeah, so whatever's going on. - We can't tell you to stop. - No, I say stop. (laughing) I say stop because I care about you. And I see, listen, if this was a couple of years, I'd be like, "All right, yeah." Getting out of the system. This could be the rest of her life. If she doesn't do something soon. - I swear to God, I'm doing things. - If this isn't, I am doing things. - I am doing things. We just kind of, all right, Jordan, I guess this is never gonna happen. - It's gonna take. If it doesn't take, I'm buying your door to ask for three years. (laughing) - All right, okay, we'll figure something out. All right, okay, all right. All right, El, this hit us with a call, little buddy. - Hello, Stavvy, Elbis, and esteemed guests. Hope you can help me out with this. So for all of my career, I've worked in finance and corporate amendments, like downtown at an office. And I just got this new job that pays really good at an industrial manufacturer. So I'm like at a manufacturing facility now. And I seem to have walked into some kind of like sex times healing the conspiracy. - What? She said sex times stealing conspiracy. But I'll let you go on. - So these guys that work at the warehouse? - Let me just say real fast. - Time theft is good and you should do it from your employer. You should steal time from the, you know, you should take longer to do stuff. - Of course. - Without question, your boss is fuck you way more than you fuck them. So get it anyway you can. Defraught your employer anyway. You can unless you work for Stavvy Baby Enterprises. And we are a family here. - Still depends. - So these guys that work at the warehouse, they're married guys, they clock in, and then their side pieces come to the warehouse, and they hook up there. So they're like having these affairs. - That's awesome. - They clock in, and then their side pieces come to the warehouse, and they hook up there. And then they leave. So they're like having these affairs on the clock. - Oh, who cares? What do you fuck up? - Oh, that's not great. - They sound awesome. - But it's kind of like their business, they aren't feeling the company's money technically, but whatever. - She's serious. You're right. - And then I saw one of these guys who's, I guess like mid to late 30s, and he was brought this girl who looked really young, like freshly 18, I would say. - Oh. - I like freshly 18. - Do I tell? - Taking a turn. - Like what are these guys doing? Like do I just get a new job? I don't know what to do. - Why did you leave? - I mean they're hooking up at work, at the warehouse on the clock. - Oh. - And they're married. I mean the married part isn't really any of my business professionally. - Almost none of this is your business, honestly. They seem like guys. - Do I do nothing? - Yeah. - I don't know what to do. Let me know your thoughts. Thank you. - Okay, so she said she moved, she like in the beginning, she's framing this as it's a good job. I don't understand the like it's a job that pays really well. - Right. - And she's worked in like, she works in finance, so she's sort of worked like in corporate, you know, just office and butter. - And listen, warehouses are sick to work. And no one gives a fuck. Like you can wear whatever the fuck you want. You can literally cheat on your wife. And no one bats an eyelash, right? - That's awesome. - So the freedom you're enjoying, what you like about not being in a corporate environment, that's what these guys like too. All right. You're taking these perks, they're getting their perks too. - I think small pranks. - She should do small things to hurt them. - Cool, yeah, yeah. Maybe call them from an unidentified number and say she's pregnant. - Yeah. - Steal things. Steal small things. Just get little. - That is true actually. What you're being opened up to have some really nice blackmail on these. - Yes. - So take some video, take some pictures. - Yeah. - Because if they, listen, they're playing, and listen, you don't want to use it. - God forbid you have to though. - Right. - Hopefully they don't pursue you. - I don't want them to die though. - Well, let me say this. I, now this is an interesting thing about American, you don't see this so much in American culture. I really like this. This is more European style stuff. My godfather literally had a government job increase. And he would just clock in and take, he had the night shift. He would never fit. He had a maintenance job. He would just like not work. And sometimes he would work. - Awesome. - He would be clocked in two places at once. He was the, he's the man. I fucking love that guy. He's retired on an island just living his life. - Wow. - Yeah, he's awesome. - That's sick. - He's awesome. - He, he, he, he openly talked about cheating in front of his wife. And she like laughed about it. So he seemed to have life figured out. - That's awesome. - And my godmother's one of the best people of all time. Very nurturing person. Maybe she'll let him get away with it. None of my business is good for them. - I would ask yourself why is it bothering you? - Yes. - So much. And like, maybe you need to come up with your own little like fun thing to do on the clock. - Yeah. - Like what? - Like, here's the thing. What's pissing me off is you talking about time theft? - Yeah. - As if it's like, like, even the fact where you say this woman is freshly 18, it almost feels like you have convinced yourself a 24 year old is 17 to give yourself more than a high ground. - Man, I do that a lot. - I do that a lot. - Okay, don't say that in public. - Sorry. (laughing) Anytime I see one of my guy friends dating somebody in their 20s, I'm like, that is a shy. - Okay, okay, that one, I see this. - River, yeah, yeah. - It's crazy. Even if they're short, like you, I'd be like, you're a fucking pedophile. (laughing) If there's any, I'm like, you are disgusting. (laughing) - So who can they fuck? - All chunky girls. - Fat. (laughing) - Oh. (laughing) At all. (laughing) - I agree. They need love as well. - That's nice. You bringing a girlfriend with a beard? I'm like, now you're getting so weird. - No, I agree. - All right, no time to delve into that last thing. - Sorry. (laughing) - Let me know, no, but that's a very interesting idea. - Yeah. - Because, like, why is that? - We all do that because you're aging woman, and if they bring in a younger woman, you're like, you're sick. - Okay, thank you for just saying it exactly. - Of course, yeah. (laughing) - So, that's, like, was this person really young? Is this, like, or are you, like, just? 'Cause to me, that's the only actual actionable item is if they're, like, weirdly hooking up with, like, high school girls or some shit, or even, like, freshman and college. Like, that makes it, that brings an air of impropriety to it. But that's the only thing, and she's not, she just said she looked at one and maybe everything else. Let's just throw that out for a second and just say, everyone's about the same, whatever, it's not. There's no creepiness to it other than cheating on your wife and time-stealing. Cheating on your wife, they're your co-workers. Who gives a fuck? It's not your friend, you're not the morality police, you're there to do a fucking job. It's not good. But, like, this is, you've been given a gift. Esther, you're so right. Find ways to steal time that benefit you. Go on long lunches. Yes, yeah, I used to fucking. The best writing of my life was when I had day jobs. I was a fucking paralegal just not filing shit and writing horrible dick jokes, right? Find, yeah, you'll take up crocheting. You know what I mean, like, yeah. Like, I'm knitting in the warehouse.
I have a friend, I have a friend who was very smart, this person was very smart and was really good at every job they had, but they cared so much, they were annoying and they would like, they would see little infractions, they would kinda tattle and they would make, they would see a boss doing something wrong and they would be like, can you believe this shit? We could be, we could be, we could be, whatever. And it's like, you gotta get a life. - It's not the fuck up. Or start your own business. - You're being a fucking loser, exactly. Start your own business or shut the fuck up and take the paycheck and you have been given a gift and you're spitting in the eye of God here because the kind of workplace that doesn't notice that fucking warehouse guys are fucking different girls every day on the job, you could get away with anything and it pays good. So just my advice is, as long as it's not something weird, as long as it's not some kind of very white trash Epstein situation, shut up and steal stuff. - Steal, take the check or stop taking things so seriously. You know what I'm saying? - Literally go up to the guys and be like, I want 20% of all of your paycheck so I'm telling you what. (laughing) - No, and she does end up in a fucking ravine. - Right. You were the one who's afraid of her safety, don't, yeah, yeah. You're the one who convinced me not to blackmail, but I will say there is an element of this that could just be a legitimate like HR issue too. Like it's not, you know, yeah, time theft, whatever, but it's like, you know, it's a normal reaction to be uncomfortable when your coworker's like corn-holing some 18-year-old line behind the like, the fucking machine or something. Like, are these guys fucking in like a place where you might just be walking into or is it like in an office or, or, you know, I'm just saying of like that eight mile seat. - What you're saying is completely correct. I'm just saying the reality of a warehouse workplace. - Sure. - You think the HR is up to stuff when you're getting your Dixock next to a barrel of WD-40. - They really think they have a fucking stickler for HR there. - That's true. - And it's just, and it's also the kind of thing where it's like, I have had multiple warehouse jobs. These kind of like blue collar guys just, you know, they don't like, they don't like snitches. It's like, it's kind of like, it's like, yeah, being a cop, you have to do bad shit to work there. You, the culture of your workplace is bad and wrong. - What? - Where did they fucking do you think in the warehouse? I haven't, I don't know, maybe they're cars that you say, where? No, they just, - They didn't really specify that. - So I really think what's going on here is jealousy. - Yeah. - You know? - That's okay. - And that's fine. It's human, I get it. I would be mad too. It's like, I'm over here bust in my ass working. They're getting, they're eating a little pussy over there. I'm jealous, right? That sounds cool. - You got to step us in your ass. - You've got to stop working hard. - But it's for something you care about. - Exactly. Take the paycheck and then start your fucking side business that you can be anal and strict about. - It's a weird advocate for women or something. - Open up an Etsy store. No, that's not gonna make any money. - Yeah. - Let's check. - Our society doesn't really like what you do that. - No, it doesn't. - Advocating for women with the worst things you could do. - Yeah. - But, start a Etsy store, start a drop shipping, whatever, I don't fucking know. But like, yeah. And look, if this gets really fucking crazy and really out of hand. - Yeah, you can test the waters on HR. You can kind of float stuff out. You can gossip about it a little bit and get the temperature of the rest of the workplace and see what else is anybody, what are the other people? What are the non-sexual deviants getting out of this setup, right, 'cause I literally, the fucking place I worked, the law firm I worked for while I was fucking create. One of the partners blew their fucking brains out in the parking lot after I quit, 'cause they were stealing the whole time. People were like, there were managers being like, "Yeah, you could take that shift, just send me a picture of your pussy." It's like, yeah, no problem. These white trash, Baltimore goes about, "Yeah, you got it, Mark." And just people were getting sucked off in parking. It was a bad place and that's where my friend was trying to be like, "Guys, what are we doing here?" And I was a horrible employee who did nothing. He got fired before me because I just, I was just, I was taken to our lunch. I was doing nothing. I read the scenario here, right? And I was like, I'm not. I also had a moral problem 'cause I didn't realize it was like a pure foreclosure law firm. So I was like, "Well, I'm not gonna help these people kick people out of their homes." So I just stopped working and did stand up really. And then yeah, it was such an immoral place, but you know what? I cashed a lot of checks for not working. I wouldn't have it any other way. And I think, now look, we're clearly different people me and this caller, but just get a little bit of being a scumbag. I think that'll be good for you. Have you guys worked at a fucked up play? Has anything like this happened? I mean, it's mostly like restaurants and shit that people behave like this, I think. - Yeah, I worked at a restaurant that was very predatory. And then it was like, the men would come over from the restaurant to the bakery and like pray on the women and like- - Oh my God. - But I just became like this bodyguard. Cause they never hit on me at all. - So then I would put a fucking mouthful of sourdough at all times. - It was frosting, it was straight frosting. I worked on the bakery side. But that was fun for me. I was like, I'm just gonna like defend these women and like step up against them and like fight them and like getting these arguments, but that's what I wanted to spend my days doing. - Right. - We didn't have this when I worked at Johnny Rocket. (laughing) - It wasn't good. - There was no sexual intrigue when you get the 50's themed diamond. - No, but I'm being honest, no. - Really? - Just me and my Oreo milkshakes and smiley faces cut of ketchup. (laughing) So this is really weird. - Really? How old were you when you worked at Johnny Rockets? - I was freshly 18. - Oh wow. And no, your manager was trying to fuck you. - No, not at all. - Wow. - It was a beautiful time. - That's awesome. That's awesome. And I hope that for every woman in the workplace, you know. - I also stole a lot of shit. Like a lot. - Yeah. - Of shit. - No, steal them. - That's what we would, that's my advice to this caller. Our advice to this caller. Steel from this company. - Or leave. - Just leave. - Or leave. But if it gets dangerous, obviously say something. But if it's just like consenting adults cheating and the guy who loses out is the fucking CEO whatever company you work for, who gives a phone? - Feel free to have fun. If the woman comes in, feel free to pick up your phone and go, "Hey Brad, isn't this, is this your wife on the phone? Feel free to fuck around." - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. - They get fun. - Totally. - A loudspeaker where you know he's getting ahead and be like, "Your wife's here, Brian. Your wife's here." You know what I mean? Like give him a little heart attack. That's actually fun. And by the way, they will respect you more for fucking with them. Then they will for tattling. Tattling is death in any kind of situation like this. If you tattle your fucked, I promise you that. Good luck out there. It sounds like you got a great setup. I think you need to start looking to this glass half full. - Stavvy, Albanian, yes. - Okay, so. - Excellent way to refer to that. - I am a boyfriend. I love him very much. Last night, as I had went on two dates with two years ago, message me. And basically, he, I'm going to read you some actual quotes he sent to me. Well, I am a loser and you are gorgeous and such. I would be serving and wish for you. I am here begging to be a sub-tune set. Basically, he's requesting me to financially dominate him. Like he wants me to humiliate him and exchange for money. - My view, we were on two like boring athletes. Nothing really happened. He goes to me. It was like he goes to me. - Two years ago, he goes to me. - And my boyfriend finds this hilarious. T, T, T, they both work for the military. Different jobs, different jobs to those. So they would like never really interact. - She says, she says the military, like it's a fucking local Johnny rocket. She's like, well, they both work. It's like, yeah, I assume they don't interact in the US military. - Yeah. - You would have to be like, they work together at the military for me to think they're, they're co-workers. - And he sent me like a long-ass message. And I go like, I'm not going to respond to this unless he's sending me money. He's like, how much? And I said 50. And he sent me the money. And like I asked him like, straight up, what's your salary? He says, 80K. And so I'm like, you're not expecting me to like meet up with you and touch you though. And he goes like, no, you don't have to touch me, but it would be nice if we can meet up so I can give you money. And so you can humiliate me. I'm like, that's dangerous. And that's like, my boyfriend's like, yeah, you're not doing it. I'm like, obviously not doing it. I'm not trying to get fucking fired or anything. But like, also, your girl has a broken foot. And I can't work for the next four weeks. And I'd like money. So how do I get him to be like, I'm not going to meet up with you, but you're still going to send me money. - Here's what you do. - Pathetic loser. Saviour loves you so much. I sell you in San Diego. Fun fast. The guy setting X to me didn't know him. He didn't laugh at any of your jokes, but he did laugh at the one of the opener made about getting his prostate examined. (laughing) - We don't want to know that ever. - No, it's fine, I hate that. - Funny, no. Everybody hated you except for me. - No, that was a great show. So I don't feel bad about it. But I remember exactly the show. So first of all, have you guys ever financially dominated anyone? Doesn't seem like it's in your spirit either of you. - Financially dominated like being like, you have to send me money. - Yeah. - For being mean to a guy for like sexual thrills on his part. Man, can we bring this back to my dad? (laughing) - Yeah, it's stomping on your dad. - I need you to pay my tuition. (laughing) - Well, here's where I say you would fuck, our friend here fucked up is she's, you can't ask questions to this guy. You can't be like, you're not expecting me to meet up. What you say is you're worthless, you fucking worm. Send me, maybe if you send me enough money, you can see me from across a public place.
if you're lucky, you little piece of fucking dumb shit. Like, you need to really turn it off. - Yeah, send me $500 if you wanna know what I feel about you and he'll be like, okay, okay, okay. - Yeah, yeah. - And then you're like, you're a little. - You're like, the best you can get is a video of me like looking bored and not even paying attention. So you need to just like, you need to be meaner. This is nice. This is the golden goose here. This falls into your lap and I think like, yeah, it's cool that your boyfriend's not threatened by this. That's good. He's on, you know, you guys are on the same page here. - I thought the boyfriend said, no, don't do it. - Don't meet up, but you can send. So and I feel like most papers don't meet up. - We read flag that your boyfriend is like allowing you to accept the money. - I don't think so. - No. - Here's what I think. I've dated girls who have pay pigs in shit, who have like simps, whatever, and it's kind of sick. They just pay, like, they just pay, I think I talked about this on a Patreon recently, but like, like, I was dating a girl who like, I never paid for an Uber because some fucking like, tech guy gave her his card to fucking put an Uber on, like. - I would hate that you were okay with that though. - Yeah, we don't like this. - We don't like. - I'm not trying to fuck you guys. (laughing) - We couldn't. - Okay. - No, but we've unified against each other. - No way. - No, wait a minute. Wait, you don't want to? - No, I'll pay you. - Your boyfriend needs to be like, no. This needs to turn into like a kink between you and your man where he's like, no. - No, she's healthy, she's healthy. - No, I'll pay for you. - But here's the thing, I don't look, I don't think it's, I guess listen, I get it, whatever everybody is different, I just wouldn't be threatened by this person. And I would see it if like my girlfriend wanted to do it. It's like, yeah, I don't give a fuck. I don't, this guy's not a threat to me. He's a guy we make fun of. It's like. - No, we don't think it's a threat. - Look, I'm not, son of having a threat. - What if she's a sex worker? I don't know. You wouldn't date someone who like. - I wouldn't date a sex worker for one. - Okay, well, I mean, first of all, take your tone down. I know who you have dated, because they're not better. (laughing) You think comedian is more, is better than sex worker? It's so, like that is so much more honest work than what we do. (laughing) - Yeah, but I would be way too jealous. First of all, I'd be way too jealous. Second of all, yeah, I think that, I think everybody has different lines, right? - I would start a fight over this. Like if I went to my husband and was like, this man said he'll pay for it. And he's like, oh, that sounds nice. I'd be like, so you don't fucking love me. (laughing) - Here's my, here's what I would do. I would laugh. And I'd be like, what do you want to do about that? And if she was like, it's fucking weird. I'm like, great. She's like, I want to take his mind. I'm like, yeah, whatever fucking take his money. I don't give a fuck. But taking the money is an exchange of something that is intimate in some way, shape or form. - No, it's fucking not. - But what if he knocked on the door one day and was like, I've given you over $10,000? - That's one of these guys' psychology works. - They just stay away? - They're fuck, there's something wrong with them. Yeah, they're sort of like Jordan, they're male Jordans in a certain way. Where something is so fundamentally wrong with their brain that they don't understand love and relationships. And for them, it's gotten to like, money is how they bust or whatever. Look, I don't get it either. I have no desire to be talked down to, to be dominated in a financial way. Even in like a sexual way, I don't really, like, I don't really want to be done. That doesn't excite me in any way. I don't get the sub, like, you know, the sub shit of like, like, I would fuck a hot dominatrix. Like, she could, I guess she could fucking flick my nipples a couple times. And then if she sucks me off afterwards, but I'm not just getting my nuts stomped on and then putting my pants on, like, all right, see you later. That does nothing for me, right? But if it does come for these guys, I don't fuck, I ultimately don't give a fuck, but that's me. And I have different lines, right? Like dating sex workers, like, would I date like a, you know, I mean, there's just different levels to, right? It's like, how extreme are we going? Are you just showing your titties on the internet? Who fucking cares? Like, are you just getting a guy to send you money on fucking cash app? 'Cause you call him a, you know, a fat slug. He's like, thank you, mistress, here's $4,000. I think I would be rude to stop my girlfriend from possibly making a quick 10k off some piece of shit who's not a threat at all. That's just my perspective. - Okay, so it's not about it not being a threat. Like, is there something sort of like, avoidant in you that's like allowing for that where you're like, oh, it's one, like, now she's not fully on my plea, like, I'm not, I don't, I'm not preventing her from doing that so that I'm then not responsible for her or something. - Listen, I'm avoidant in a lot of ways. - Okay. - But not this one. - This one is actually the opposite where I would feel so like, although to be fair, it's never been super serious, although actually. Yeah, it's never been super serious with this person. It's been like, someone I'm kind of dating and it's kind of fun, whatever. But even if it was like, someone I, you know, it's like, again, what if I dated someone in the entertainment industry? You think that's better? - No. - That's like somebody like, we give away so much of ourselves constantly in a way that's really fucked up. People are thinking about us. People think about us so much. We get so much weird attention that one guy giving her weird attention and giving her money. And now I'm gonna draw the line. I guess part of it is also like, my life is fucking weird as shit too. If you're getting money to do this little thing, who gives a fuck? Now, if I thought the guy was dangerous at all, I mean, maybe what I would say here is the fact that even asked to meet up is a big red thing. Like if this guy was just like, here's a thousand dollars, you know, call me a fuck. - If he was like, I have no intention of seeing you, I do not need that. What I need is just for you to demean me. I don't even need it to be sexual. - But sometimes they like it to be in person. They like to be like, talk down to and shit like that. They like to like, hand off like a thousand dollar fucking person and be like, I'm a piece of shit. Thank you, I'm sorry for looking at you. And then leaving and shit like that. - That's so sick. - Yeah, it's fucked up, but hey, fuck it. - Maybe he's secure and it's like-- - No, I'm sick as an awesome, yeah. - Maybe that like he doesn't want to be like a controlling guy. And that's why he's like this. And you and I like want someone that wants to meet up. - And by the way, I don't have jealousy. Like, it's not that I don't have jealousy stuff, but this just is not, this doesn't-- - I would be like, I love you and how about this? Would you feel comfortable? I would like to know what you guys are saying. I would-- - Yeah, make sure it's saying. - Absolutely. - I would be like, go off, bitch. - No, no, do it. - Totally, yeah, yeah. - Interesting voice. (laughing) - But I would-- - Painting the picture. - Yeah, yeah. (laughing) - Get out of here, bitch. Go make some dollars, yeah, Eddie. - I feel like, keep me involved. I do want to know what's going on. - Right, let's laugh about this, let's whatever, yeah. It can be actually a team building experience. - Yeah. - You know what I mean, let me text him. Let me try and be like, - Yeah, you're pathetic little fucking dick. If he shows you his dick, let me be the one who texts. Like, let me shield you from that, my queen. - Yeah. - You know? But, yeah, I would say for you, if you keep it complete, you need to be meaner, you need to have crazy demands. I would say ask out a pocket shit 'cause if you lose this guy, who cares? Like, give me a thousand dollars right now or I'm fucking blocking you. - If I do, you started at 50, means you-- - 50's tough. - You have to heed what we're saying. You have to go way higher. - Yeah, that, I would almost say like, that's like when someone makes an offer and you're like, I'm not even gonna dignify that with a response. - Like, actually, like, it has to be like, come back and do something for her. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. So yeah, be meaner, figure this out. I'm literally believe, there's probably girls on TikTok that do pay-pig tutorials. I wouldn't be surprised. There's so many like, sex workers with huge, followings on, like, huge non-explicit followings online that like, you might find that. You might find that explainer on how to do this. And I would just do that. Yeah, give us another one, Elle. - No lower than, no lower than 300 for anything. - I think that's fair, yeah. - Yeah. - Yeah. - Hey, Stabby Baby, Elle that's being asked to think her, take my call. I have a weird question for you all, pertaining to boomers and natural medicine. From context, I've had a weird relationship with my mom for a while where I love her, but don't always totally agree with what she does. And Jan 2014, her sister had died of breast cancer. And after that, I believe she became something of a hypercontract. And now she's been getting a bunch of different doctors about like doing certain treatments and everything. 'Cause she's, you know, admittedly, there's a lot of nuance. There's a lot of problems with natural medicine and with conventional medicine. But it's gone to the point that she is considering doing a blood treatment at a clinic. They'll require her to be there for eight weeks. And it's extremely expensive, eight weeks, 10 grand each week. - Each week? - And it's the real amount is that my husband, 80 grand the whole time, 10 every week for eight weeks. - What is his blood treatment? I'm known for it. - It's some fake bullshit where they probably just completely drain your blood, I'm guessing. She said it told meopathic. She's just saying natural medicine. - Natural medicine. - Yeah, whatever, keep going. - And the wrinkle in this is that my husband and I just had a kid. He's about two months old now. And we can really use the help of just taking care of stuff around the house. - Hold on a second. - I'm just going back to work. - Go ahead and don't depend on your mother to help. Let's start. - Cancer-ridden mother. - The fact that, she doesn't have cancer. She's a hypochondriac, her sister had cancer which plunged her into hypochondria. But either way, the fact that this question is like, how do I get my mom off the RFK tip? And then. Directly into being a grandmother that ain't a one the one. There's no bridge from that part of the world to this part of the world Right, there's no bridge from insane drain all my blood in a fucking yurt to fucking Yeah, let me let me fucking feed it feed my nephew or my grandchild goger or whatever the fuck so I Would say she's not gonna help but let's not finish to work in like less than a week. So I've brought this up to my sibling My brother and his wife, but we both are kind of in a rock in a heart place where once she is committed to doing something She just kind of goes for it anyway, even if she's gotten scammed or caught out of stuff before and Sort of a jensen way to approach the world. I like it Historically she just hasn't really listened to me about stuff. I kind of keep my mouth shut But I am concerned that she's gonna be taking advantage of so well, you see I really sure how to go about this I know this is kind of a weird one, but Just appreciate everything you guys do and if you take one call. Thank you. Thank you for your time either way So I think I think firstly you have to like remove the energy that you want the money for you and your kid because that She'll sniff that out. Like if someone sniffs out that you want their money. It's bad That's interesting. I didn't even consider that she actually wanted financial assistance to me It was more like I want but you're probably right like I mean it's both right It's like I thought she was just wants the like my my mom is like You know goat. She loves babysitting the kid, you know what I mean? And so like she's it's a huge help I wonder if that's what that's how I heard it, but you're right. She else. It's about the it might just be about the money a little bit here here's This is tough right because parents Are so inflexible most of the time like like the idea that you're going to change your parent is something that I've been banging my head Against the wall my whole life about right and you're lucky to get like us if you put in So much work for years. You're lucky to get a centimeter of movement of them from like insane to slightly less insane on One specific thing right and they also don't respect you. You're their child, right? Especially someone who's got like psychological issues like people who have kids for many different reasons Especially somebody that's just like I don't have to fucking listen to my kids are my fucking stupid kids, right? And some parents believe that that you're just an inferior Some servant to them that must listen to them until the end of you know of their life or hopefully your life in their in their mind they hopefully outlive you but you let her do it let her live her damn life here's what I would do within this scenario I would you get hard-selling doesn't work, right? She never listens to you your whole life. She fucking doesn't listen to you I don't think if you don't make it about money, but if you make it about like hey Like I know you're gonna do this thing. We just had a baby We could use you around the house a little bit. Do you think for the next couple months? You could help us out a couple times a week and maybe delay this Right, like maybe delay this and like you know help us like you almost come at it like I hate to take a You away from this thing that's real and will work But can you you know watch the kid everyone's well? It's probably still won't work, but I think like Sometimes when you just argue with someone and they don't listen to you when you do kind of just You know, you're like hey, this would really help me. I understand if you can't do it I would appreciate it if you did right and you just kind of make it known like if you don't do this It will hurt my feelings, but I'm not even gonna yell at you about you Just kind of have to hope guilt works a little bit because I think arguing with her colleagues She's insane. She's gonna fucking get her blood drain. Yeah, I would never tell the truth I'd be like this sounds this sounds insane. It sounds like a scam. You should check into it Also, I could use your help she won't listen and you have to let her do this. What about like Drag around your kid gathering some research and some like expert opinions Or what the fuck you and being like oh this doctor said are you out of your why why you think you're gonna This person's insane. She's gone down the natural. She's about to pay someone $80,000 to drain her blood over 10. I don't know if you want that person around your kid. Also let her ride Well, I think I think ultimately being a grandparent is kind of hardwired into you if she's good I don't know maybe maybe not, but yeah, you're right Maybe she doesn't maybe she just wants money, but you're not getting money from her But I think like I don't know. There's no way you're teaching her out of you know educating this person out of it It's like go to a QAnon person and be like actually, you know what I mean? It's like she's not that But I'm saying she's medical QAnon basically. I just think you have to let your parents have their own life There's so many people that are 35 years old being like my mom wants to move to Hawaii And it's just she's abandoning me and I have a kid and it's like dude, she you're got past 18 in your life Let the bitch live. Yeah, so funny because you're just jealous That you want that relationship which one but with your deceased father. Oh because he's dead Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I let him do like grow up. I had to just he spoke to back today inside He would get so baked and do these insane sculptures of bears and I had to be like that's a sick Do you have any more of those huh? Do you have any sculptures left? I think there's one of a bear the one that he wanted to make was A bear holding a gun and it would be Arm bears instead of bear arms. Okay. Yep. Okay, that's I don't love the reverse pun. Yeah, he loves that And I would just have to like that's sick dad That you want sounds like he would have loved AI. Oh my god Oh my god. He would have been like makes George thorough good But make him a rapper from 80s. Hey Jordan. Hey Jordan. Hey Jordan Which is by the way exactly what Joe Rogan this is what in the green room. Who's George thorough good? George thorough good bad to the bone. Oh, that's it Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, that is a not a great song Yeah, that's like kid's bop shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's dad song Rogan was obsessed with a 50 cents song that he played nine times in the green room which 50 cents song I think it was many men, but in the style of like That's so weird he played it five times in the green room and like you forget he's 50s 50s times Because he does so much karate But you're like, but it's like he's just he like 50 year old like that is such dad That's what you have to do when you've in the green room and we went that's awesome Really cool that's so funny because like a 50 year old boy guy's like isn't it nice when they used to sing Yeah When they used to have actual musical talent, you know what I mean because it's not race It's like it's like a step up between races. It's like we still want to hear from them But in yeah, yeah, yeah, in a way that makes me comfortable. Yeah I have come around and I think that you have to just accept your weird parents. Yeah, and like that's it But that's what I'm saying that's essentially my point is like look Go into this thinking it's not gonna work and just try an emotional appeal because reason is not gonna get through and Really underplay it Expecting it not to work and if it works great then you're then you're like, oh, well, maybe this action and it's not gonna work This person is fucking done. They're gone. Yeah, you just have to accept that shit and yes Is it does it suck that a fucking, you know some Sherpa is getting this $80,000 instead of your newborn child? Yes That's life, baby. Y'all so you didn't fucking make the money. She's not buying like designer purses She's getting all of her blood. Yeah, she's gonna have to go through what the decision she's she's paying $80,000 to think she's healthy for two months Yeah, basically Not a bad investment Esther in 40 years Esther's son on this podcast like she won't stop texting me pigs like she's saying me weird shit and she's getting her blood Yeah, yeah, I think that's you know I think that's what you got to do and also here's another thing and maybe this is just growing up poor But I always do find it weird when people feel like almost entitled to their parents money It's like it ain't your fucking money and it would be nice of them to give you and maybe she will break you off a little some if she hasn't you know Spend all her money and like she doesn't get a hyperbaric oxygen chamber installed in her fucking garage Maybe you'll get some of it, but like that ain't that's not your money. I hate that When kids when they're spending it and they're like I'm watching them just lose all of the money That's gonna go to me and they're not gonna live that long enough and I'm like they're gonna die. Let them spend what they may Yeah, they they earned that money. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, it's crazy Um, but anyway, that's that's just a that's like a nice way to when you have put when you grow up Or to have a moral high ground. Yeah, I'm a better person. Yeah, not that I'm jealous of your class. Yeah, yeah, so that I'm Jealousy you had a fucking have a house. Yeah Yeah, uh, hit us with another one, Eld Uh, shit, what do you think is this? Let's do one more. Yeah, okay, here's a fun one Hi, sorry, I'm a steam guest. Um, I'm just looking for some advice So I am in a relationship. I have an amazing boyfriend Um, but one time we got into a fight and After we made up the sex was really good. It was really hot. It was You're the fucking analytic leaf. I don't know. It was great. So anyways
What is and we don't fight often. So what is a good little like dumb fight that I can start that would Make him mad like maybe we don't talk for like a day or two Like something that'll get under a stick skin, but like won't cause a breakup and like we'll cause this really good break up Sex up or not break up sex make up sex. Yes Yes, and advice would be amazing. Wait. Jordan. Did you call in? Like hold on That's your sponsor calling it in testing you. Oh my god. Is she gonna get triggered? Oh good at these Yeah, go ahead at starting minifights what it give us a couple. Oh my god. Um, okay Ask for something that isn't at the store That's a really good one. Ask for something that isn't at the store Then when he brings back something that's lesser be like you never get me anything Ready for this one Wait until there's some weird death anniversary for somebody who like maybe you were friends with in college Mm-hmm, and be like they died and like you didn't remember um Wow, that's my aunt's birthday. How could you forget? Yeah? Yeah? Yeah? You're starting to make me remember things like I remember one day We went to New York And I just I had to work and then at the end of my day I came back to the hotel room and I was like I had to work all day and you didn't get me any presents Yes Yes, let's fucking go awesome. It's like yeah Ready ready for a really naughty one Okay, then then I convinced him that there's a difference between a present and a gift I like I couldn't even remember what the crown You don't even know you were just in the zone you're you didn't plan on that it just came to you It was like whoa, that's really good. That's even stupider than what I normally say That's a mate by yourself flowers say they were from somebody else And be like what it made me realize is that you don't do anything for me. I'd be like you know these you know Yes, yes, but you have I would juge that up a little bit where you're like he comes home You're like you really shouldn't have and he's like what it's like you know what and then point to the flowers And then and then he's like I didn't send you those and you're like you didn't and now You're mad at him for never getting your flowers and he's mad. He was like who the fuck is sending you flowers here And this is a perfect one because you both if it were real and you're not an insane person if this really happens You both kind of have an argument, right? It's interest. I mean you don't because you're faking this right but like in theory You would have like it could spark a real one. I like that one now. I I want to be on record I don't support this kind of behavior I support it. I'm all for it. But here's here's what I would say before you guys are smiling ear to ear by the way It's like this is like the your favorite thing. This is no joke. The happiest I've ever seen you Jordan I'm so excited. I'm excited for her. I can't do this shit anymore. Yeah, yeah, yeah, get get get is there a meeting nearby? You should pop in. Yeah, yeah, I'm getting the buzz Oh my god. Here's what I will say you can't it's I do think you hit on something one time I found my own underwear and accused of cheating on me. That's really good. Yeah, that's really really good actually Yeah, I was like a skid mark. You love you. You're like you have a tie. Who the hells are these? All right, these are pretty good. These are pretty funny, but I would say you hit on something important here Which you found a sexual groove that you're both into and there that is a dynamic that you can achieve by just being kind of comfy, honestly. You don't have to have a real fight. Real play. Exactly. You just start You like if you just start being a kind of a like if you're hooking up and you start acting like kind of a fucking bitch, that is awesome because you kind of skip the fight. Yeah, and you can just everyone gets to remember what they're mad about. You can also withhold the pussy for a couple days. That helps you. No, this is not like no, you're not training a dog. You got literally dogs. Wait, but also does he like this because that would be an issue. That's a good point. Like I'm just Yes, I it's okay if you're the crazy one and you like this, but if he likes it to No, I mean now you're now you're doing make now you're rage baiting me now you're treated now I'm your boyfriend all of a sudden you do you have formed one girlfriend to piss me off. Yeah, what do you mean? I like it, but it's a red flag if he likes it like are you fucking out of your mind? You're you're literally designing ways to be on hand. If he likes this a little too much, I came eight times, but this is a problem. No, there is something hot to like a I do think that actually is a a healthy outlet in a couple and look, there's some couples that are really good at this intuitively where they just they have this song and dance we're throughout the night. Maybe you're being a little bit of a bitch or whatever and I have been in like sort of casual relationships where that's kind of somebody's and they are pissing me off and they know what they're doing and it does us. It's like a director that knows how to get the right performance out of their actor. It's like if a girl rage baits me just the right amount where I'm not mad and we're still cool, but she's been a little annoying. When we fuck I am going to take out the annoyance out on her right in a way that she likes right. This is safe. He's a this is someone who like oh yeah, sorry. Yeah. Yeah. Oh sorry. I'm doing the I'm breaking every SLA right now and it also has to be a girl who you know what they're it. This is somebody who not likes to get fucking tossed around, choked all that kind of stuff. Are you okay? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I was just thinking about the guy that breaks up me all the time. I showed this to my friends the other day and they ran into a wall. This was the face that he would give me during sex. Are you ready for this? I'm going to show it to you guys. Okay, ready? He would gym from the office you while he's inside of you. You're sucking his dick. He's like this. Every time. Give him that face. We'll have rage sex. Look at him like this. Like yeah, I'm still here and you guys are insane. I know. I know. No. I told that this to 11. She fell off of her chair. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's so fucking funny. Shout out to Steph for figuring out a lunatic who found the great relationships. That's that actually gives me hope because Steph is insane also. Yeah. And like got a beautiful relationship. Yeah. But yeah, I would say find non day long fights ways to bring this up. And by the way, you can just tell him you're into that vibe. You don't have to trick him into it. I do think he if he had a good time, he's going to like it. It might take some warming up because sometimes you're like, I mean, I do remember when I was in my like mid 20s and I was thinking I was like, every girl wanted me to hurt them. Every girl wanted to be choked or like, you know, talk like degraded. And I really, but there was like a moment of being like, Oh, geez. Like the first time you're like, you're a dumb bitch. Like your voice quivers the first time. But then it's like that enough women hurt you. You become a misogynist and you take it out on them sexual. No, no, no, I'm not. But you do have enough like built up like you also kind of get older and you're like, yeah, this I do like this. Who am I kidding? Like I don't know. It's just like a disc, but they're he might he might take some warming up. But it's like, I think if you both like this, I think you also get the confidence in your, when you're in your 20s and a woman says hit me, you're like, okay, I know that this is just because of some like abuse that you face that now I have to reenact. When you're fucking a 35-year-old woman who's like, choke me, you're like, you have your ship. Yeah, this will get you to bust and now we're watching 30 rock a little faster. Great. Right. And you're 20. You're like, I'm hurting somebody's soul in there. Yeah. And your 30s, you're like, I'm just providing a small service that she's figured out. Yes, exactly. Exactly. Exactly. I have my like phone on the ledge and I'm like, looking over and it's like, oh, the delivery six minutes away. Yeah. Yeah. I don't want my attendees getting cold. So yeah, there's your advice, pal. I think that's going to do for us, gals. Thank you so much. It was so fun. What a blast. Go see Jordan. Check out trash Tuesdays, check out glowing up guys. No, no, they're both. No, that's her partner. Yeah, all right, I forget you. Yeah, yeah. B&E and the RIP, all of them. Yeah, that's going to do for us and we'll see you next time. Bye, guys. Bye.
Podcast Summary
Key Points:
Jordan and Esther reflect on their personal growth, with Jordan recently entering monk mode due to health issues and emotional exhaustion.
Both discuss past breakups and relationships, highlighting patterns of emotional instability, self-sabotage, and using humor or performance to cope.
Jordan explores the concept of “sex love addiction” (SLA), describing it as a compulsive need for connection and validation through intimacy.
They share insights on how addictions—sexual, emotional, or behavioral—interact with daily routines, including food, performance, and social interactions.
Esther reveals she recently became a parent, discussing the challenges and joys of parenting, as well as her evolving relationship with femininity and family.
Both acknowledge the role of therapy and self-reflection in understanding their behaviors, despite skepticism about traditional treatment methods.
They highlight the absurdity and humor in their personal struggles, using comedy to process emotional pain and relational dynamics.
A recurring theme is the tension between performance, authenticity, and emotional vulnerability in personal and professional relationships.
Summary:
Jordan and Esther engage in a candid, humorous, and deeply personal conversation about their emotional lives, relationships, and addictions. Jordan reflects on a recent shift into "monk mode" as a result of physical and mental exhaustion from touring, stress, and repeated relationship breakups. He discusses his struggles with sex love addiction (SLA), framing it as a compulsive need for connection and validation, and shares how rituals like eating or performing stand-up have become psychological coping mechanisms.
Esther shares her journey as a new parent, revealing the emotional intensity and exhaustion of parenting while also expressing affection and joy toward her children. Both acknowledge patterns of emotional instability, often stemming from past relationships where they used performance or drama to mask deeper insecurities. They touch on the irony of their lives—where humor and performance are central themes, yet the underlying issues involve real emotional pain, self-worth, and connection.
The conversation also includes discussions on therapy, self-reflection, and the absurdity of human behavior, with both admitting that their lives are shaped by performance, addiction, and a constant search for validation. Ultimately, they present a raw, relatable portrait of modern emotional struggles, blending comedy with vulnerability, and affirm that healing comes through honesty, not perfection. Their dynamic highlights how personal growth is not linear, but rather a messy, ongoing process of self-discovery and acceptance.
FAQs
SLA stands for Sex Love Addiction, which Jordan describes as a deep psychological and behavioral pattern. It has significantly influenced their life, leading to months of emotional turmoil, self-reflection, and a period of celibacy where they haven't engaged in sexual activity since August.
Jordan experienced repeated breakups and emotional turbulence, which led to a deep awareness of their emotional patterns. These experiences pushed them to confront issues like boundary setting, attachment, and self-regulation, ultimately helping them grow emotionally and develop healthier relationship dynamics.
Jordan has been in a state of monk mode since August, abstaining from sexual activity, pornography, and masturbation. This period is part of a structured recovery from their sex addiction, though they acknowledge it may be risky and could lead to relapse if not managed carefully.
Esther shares that having children is both exciting and demanding, and that balancing parenting with personal and professional life is challenging. She emphasizes that both options—having children or not—can be rewarding, and that the emotional toll of parenting is real but can be deeply fulfilling.
Esther decided against circumcision because she felt it was an unnecessary medical procedure that could cause pain for a newborn. She finds it emotionally and ethically significant, stating that it’s a form of welcoming a child into the world without harm or trauma.
Both Jordan and Esther acknowledge therapy as a valuable tool for self-reflection and healing. Jordan admits therapy helped them understand their addictive behaviors, while Esther notes that therapy helped her process grief and the emotional complexity of parenting and relationships.
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