#203 - Michael Che

Hello, dude. Upa! Welcome, everybody. To Starfish World 904-800-STOP. Paul and call the visible hotline. We'll solve all your problems. And today we're very happy on the couch to have the great Michael Che. Che, thanks for being here, dog. Thanks for having me. Yeah, yeah. Do you like the intro? I do, Logan. What even do people actually call in? They're voicemails. Oh, for real? So we will be answering voicemails a second half of the program. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We will be getting your, the wisdom you've acquired over the years. And we'll get it to the people. Yeah. Are you a big advice guy? No. The people, I don't know. And someone is so successful. I feel like no one goes to, like, your loved one. Like, go to you for advice. And they're like-- People do come to me for advice, okay? Actually, but it's never like, it's more, I think they come to me for judgment. I don't know what advice. I think they want me to say what they, no, no, what's going to tell them. In a lot of ways, right? In a loving way. Yeah, yeah. I don't think it's really advice though. I hope it's not. So they're asking, you think you, you, in the, for a lot of people's lives, you're the figure that's like, you're the harsh, they will hear harsh truths from you. Is that what you think you were saying? Uh, if they need to. Yeah. Like, I think, I'm, I like, I hope, I hope so. Yeah, yeah. I think that's what I want to be. Maybe that's not true. Like, you're projecting me. Yeah, I'm the worst person to ask. Like, you always, you always, you never know who you actually are to your friends until. Yeah. You're roast. Yeah. Yeah. No, it's a tough one when you're like, well, obviously, I'm respected in my friend group. And then you just hear them talking about you. Yeah. And you know what the inside joke is? What the fuck? So yeah, I don't know. I guess I really don't know. I'm not even going to guess because now I'm the guy that thinks I'm that. Yeah. That's the worst. I'm sure about me. Yeah. Yeah. What they need to hear. I keep it real. No bullshit. No, you know, you know, you know, you know, I'm in the separate group chat. Oh, the separate group chats tough. Yeah. You got to know that you have to know there's a few things as a as a human being. You know, whoever you're dating wants to have sex with someone else. Okay. And there's a group chat without you winning on purpose. You can accept that. Fuck that. That's the second one's way tough. Of course, they want to fuck somebody other than me. They don't come to me for that. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's not my go through it. Hard of it. I would say I'm right in the middle. Right. Yeah. That's so fucking funny, dude. Yeah. I don't know. I'm trying to think what group chats have possibly been excluded. Probably work back in the day. Yeah. Right. Why? I feel like you would be the guy. Like you would be the guy that everybody wants to dish with. You know what that's actually true? Because I was so bad at being an employee. Yeah. That my value was fully locker room guy. Right. And like, we're going out on two hour lunches. I know right when the I know when the boss comes in. I know when we can skip. There's nothing like an any job having a fuck this job friend. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Like as long as we agree about fuck this job, anything else is up for grabs. We could say whatever we want, but fuck this job. 100%. That's a that we understand. We have like a baseline understanding of what our philosophy about. Exactly. When you when you're in a fucking shitty job and someone's like worried about their performance. Yeah. You're like when you have a college job. Yeah. The guy we're working the front desk at the like reception area in my fucking door apartment, dorm, whatever. And I remember like a girl was like filing things fast and like scared. She was like, you should really finish those reports. I was like, yeah. What if I get fired? That'd be awesome. Right. Who fucking cares. Also like they're just going to give us more to five. Exactly. We're never going to beat this thing. Never going to be. There's no way. There's no way we're done. It's alright. Well, here's your money for the whole year. Yeah. It's not it's not going to happen. I hate it now. Like I hated when people are too good at their job. Right. Now. Right. Right. And you don't listen. Yeah. Like when I don't work there. Yeah. No, no, no. I don't work there. Like at a hotel. Like if I'm doing like a like a charity show, like a charity or a charity. It starts. But what I'm doing the most annoying part of my life. Charity. But you know, you know what I mean? Like when you're doing like a show or something like that. And it's just like, Hey, you need this lemon. You like, no, I don't. Would you relax? Yes. This. This. This. The old jealous. The old jealous guard. Yeah. In any situation. But stop trying to win your job, bro. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Come on. I know the only time. I really don't ever, you know, because this. I just feel like. My career and like most of it are show business. You hit a lottery. I'm never mean to anybody at a theater, whatever. But there was one thing where a guy was just like, I need. You do not have the clearance. And it's like, dog. How many people look like this? Yeah. This fucking face is just on biggest fuck on the side of this building. Yeah. I'm not city. I didn't like do a mission impossible mask of this face. Yeah. To take my rotisserie chicken from my rider. That's not what I'm trying to steal. Yeah. I didn't want a fruit tray. Yeah. Yeah. I don't like when people are too good at a bad job. Yeah. I'm like, come on. And I respect that because I know there's a downside. Like there's places where like I just won't eat fast food. I'll take a look and I'll say they're not good at their job. They don't want to be good at their job. I'm not clear here. I'm going to go someplace where someone actually cares about my white castle. So I don't get sick. Of course. I heard the eye roll through the fucking. Yeah. You know it. You're like, they're fucking around. They're playing hockey with the burgers. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I know it. So fuck it. Did you have what's the light? Because you or somebody who, what was like your last real job? I don't know my last real job. You know what I mean? It's like, I feel like what? I think, because I always had, I also had like a lot of like really shitty like bar back or like waiter for a week. Right. That's right. Right. So I basically do this one job that was like door to door, getting people like change their energy, whatever. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And it was definitely a scam. A fully a scam. A fully a scam. A fully a scam. A commission job. Like just tricking old people. Not knowing what it was. I'm actually buying into the fucking seminar. Right. Right. I'm like, you're doubting about it. You're like, wow. Really? But it was scared, it was fucking scary because you're going in the project buildings like products you're not from. You're right. And you're starting from the top and knocking on everybody's door going all the way down. For like 25 bucks commission for everybody you get to change it. You're not going to somebody's doing the products. You don't know who's on other side. Of course. You don't know what's on the other side of that. Yeah. That could not be a family. It could be a family. It could be, you know, just some old grandma that should. Right. Like it's just, it's just such a mean spirited way to make money. Did you ever trick an old person? I don't think, I think I may have tricked. Well, not knowing that I was tricking, but. Right. Sure. I may have converted like four people in a week. Yeah. Yeah. And I probably made like $200. For a week's worth. Well, weeks worth. And it probably took me like four weeks to get that $200. Of course. It's like, it's like one of them shitty village voice jobs. Yeah. I was like one of those things when I was like, I got to start taking my life seriously. And what age is this? This is probably like 24, 23. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's when I started trying to do shit. It's interesting, too, because you grew up here, grew up in New York. And when you're like that, like, I feel like when you want to move here and you're not from here, it's like, you have to go through that. You kind of have to save up money. You have to figure shit out. But when you're just here, it's kind of a nice advantage. Where you could just still keep being who you were. Well, the advantage to me was the network. I have a family. I have a built-in network. So there's always, hey, you want to work at such and such? You know, I know somebody that works that, you know what I mean? Right, right, right. So like that's a huge advantage to people that move here for show business. And also the layout of New York, like I know how to get around. I know what seems like, you know, a sketchy spot and a good spot. Right, right, right, right. You know, I kind of familiar with the layout. So that was easier. But other than that, I mean, I grew up, we was poor. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But we're still chasing the same dollars. Of course. Of course. I'm just as susceptible to having to do some bullshit as anybody else, you know what I mean? I know. But I, if I, my mom lives here, I'd be living with my mom like still. Well, my mom made sure that wasn't enough. I see, I see, I see. I, I, you were booted. Well, it was 14. Damn. And then, and then again, that's 16. Mm-hmm. And then again at 19. I respect for keep trying that. That was the last time. I respect you kept sneaking in. I kept trying. Yeah, it was like a real bad franchise. Yeah, it was, it was kind of well, you had, you have like a hilarious amount of siblings. Yeah, yeah, I mean, it's so many, right? My mother's a Christian. Come on, dude. What is it? Six, seven? Six siblings. Sixs. That's not a hilarious amount. That's a hilarious amount. That's a huge amount. Seven? Seven? Seven? Yes. You think seven's a normal amount? kind of fucking kids having a house? - This people are like 11, 19, 14. - Who the fuck are you talking about? - Catholics, they're building, no, that's pass cat. - Well, no, you bugging, that's like, yo, cap is gonna be like 9/14, right? Eldest. - 9/14. - His name's Eldest. - It is, no, he got a lot of brothers and sisters. - He only one sister. - I can only have one sister. - One? - One siblings. - In the second crack, they chose Eldest. (all laughing) - Oh, you ran out. - All right, let's have, let's do a fun one. (all laughing) - Second, Eldest. - God damn. - Well, he's named after, it's a portmanteau of two different women's names. - Oh yeah, he's named after his mother, Elmira, and here's grandmother Yaldese. - That's right. - That's sweet. - Yeah, it's cute. And he got both of their, he got their hips too. (all laughing) He does have a beautiful hourglass figure. - How many kids do you have? - I just have to outbear, it's just the one. - Oh, beautiful. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Yeah, shut out to the boy. - All right. - I gotta get myself out of that. - Don't give yourself the aw. (all laughing) - The worst that come aw. (all laughing) 11 people left just to come. (all laughing) - The aw is so funny, Eldest. Well, we should also say very quickly, you know, Eldest's son is not the only thing, what a segway, we've brought into the world. Recently, Michael, you have brought into the special, a special into the world. (all laughing) - I was trying to say, in my head, I was like, fuck, I'm on, I'm on to something here. - We should also say, that's how you started. (all laughing) We should not say that. - Well, just as Eldest's wife has brought into the world, the miracle of a young boy. Mike has brought in an excellent special. It actually is an incredible special, and I am giving it the worst introduction, anyone's giving anything in the world. - This is the one it deserves, let's be honest. - I mean, yes, ultimately it's a good stand-up comedy. - It's a good stand-up comedy. - Which is like, it's like, oh, wow, you made a good ball sub. It's like, we're not doing any, we're not Michelin star. - It's like a very special Mori episode, like, sure. - Shout out to Mori though. - Shout out to Mori, I was just watching Mori before I came here. - I don't know how he still gets away with it, but it's great. - It's beautiful, the best show. - My dream is to do is to take on the mantle and host a You Are Not the Father special. - Really? - That's my dream and show business. And family feud, those are my two. Like, family feud when I'm 60, when I'm older. Right, I feel like in the next couple of years, I could do a You Are Not the Father. - Steve Harvey's not giving up family feud. - I know, I'm gonna have to wait for him to die. He's gonna be like 30, and he's a healthy man. - He's getting health, it's making him stronger. - It is making family feud, it's making him stronger. - Unless that's getting more and more lush. - Every week, like he's fine. - Yeah. - He's fine. - He's so good at it. - Longing in both of us. - Look, you know what, that's actually probably true. I'm 37, see how old is Steve Harvey, old is? - 78 years old. - He's some mad, do you think 78? - No, I'm gonna say 68. - I'm gonna say, yeah, go ahead. - Yes? - 60, well, I don't want to price his right, 69 in, but go ahead. - He's 69. - Whoa. - Look at that. All right. - But 70? That's amazing. - Yeah. He'll do another 10. You're gonna do it in at least 80? - I think he'll do it forever. - Until he dies, he'll bob Barker it. - Yeah, why not? - That's a good point. - Why not? - I mean, I think men, if they don't retire by about 65, they'll never retire. - Mmm. - Like, it's very rare that you see a man just retired unless he got super rich very early and retired about 65. - You know the guy who did the best job of all time is the Myspace guy, Tom. He's out, bro. - Is he loaded, though? - He's loaded as fuck. He sold Myspace to fucking the guy from Fox, Rupert Murdoch, for like $5 million. - Oh, so he's, Danny. - And you don't hear that motherfucker anywhere. - Absolutely. - All these other AI guys are ruining the world. - I don't even know his last name. - Yeah, Myspace Tom. I don't know his last name either. - He fucked, I checked in on him recently. He's didn't the photography. He's living a beautiful life in the fuck in South America, right? He's surfing. - But that's what I'm saying. He got out early, so he's done. But if he would've stuck around, he's never gonna be done. - Interesting. Are you a guy who will work forever? - Where, where's, where's done? - You're, what do you mean, where's done? - We're, we're doomed. We're going to work for him. - Both of us. (laughing) - We're doomed. (laughing) - Yeah, bro. - We're doomed. We are not getting out of shit. - Really? You don't think you get out? - No, man. - You don't want to or you don't think you have, you're able to. - We don't have the choice. We don't have a choice. This is just, dude, I did Ron Bennington's podcast. - Me too, yeah. - As he's getting. - As he's dying. - He's getting cancer. - Yeah, he's getting chemo. - If there was ever a time to retire. (laughing) - It's in stroke. (laughing) - This guy is still working. He's got a book. - Yeah. - He has dates. - I know, I know. - He has a schedule to go. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - I respect that. - I love it, but it's terrifying. - That's different though it. That's getting you through, you know, a tragedy, a hard time. Also, I think he's such a good interviewer that it's like an interesting, no one has ever done a podcast with cancer. - It's not work, it's what he does. - Oh, you, when you say we're doomed, you mean we're programmed. - We're doomed. - Never be able to stop. - What we do. - You don't think about like a little beach shack. - We will be the most annoying guy on that fucking island. - That's fine. - I don't give a fuck. - Yeah, but we're still going to be doing a version of this. - Do you think just there, that's how we relax. - Oh, you're saying. - That's how we rest, that's how we heal, that's how we live. That's all we think about. - It's going in now that podcast or what they are. - Right. - You can do a fucking podcast from anywhere. Just be a retirement podcast, but it's going to be a podcast. - That is true. I guess being able to this will probably be doing this till we die. Your son will be producing. - Never. - Yeah, I'm going to get him started early. You've got to get him into the business. A nepot podcast producer. We're going to start having that soon. That's pathetic. Show business is really dead. We're going to have nepot podcast babies. - Nepot podcast babies. Nightmare. - That is a nightmare. - That's tough. - Yeah, do you know who my fucking father is? He produces "Are You Barbage?" (laughing) - Do you know who my father is? - You know my father is, he uploads Theo Vons MP3s. - Who my father is? (laughing) - He eats the hottest Korean soup in the world. (laughing) You don't even fucking like Korean soup. (laughing) - Oh man, that's so funny. The types of dickheads we're creating. It used to be, you used to have the, do you know who's my, used to know. (clearing throat) - You all right? - No, I'm not. - I had a B12 shot. - You were talking about bad podcasts. (laughing) You're about to make fun of people. You better at the jobs. - You know what, let's table that point. (laughing) - Yeah, yeah. That's fascinating. So you think you have to do this. You could never just chill. - Yeah, man. I say that affectionately doomed, but like, just. - That sucks. - Yeah, it's just, you'll just figure out a new way to do it. You'll just figure out how to slow it. I mean, look at Carly. Like, anybody that you respect it. - Yeah. - The only one that went away was Eddie and the Jerry still out because Eddie's relatively young. - Well, he went away, but he went away to be the fucking most famous guy in the world. - Exactly. - That's not the worst thing. - Exactly. Well, I'm saying it'll just be something else. And he could also, he could also tease us coming back. You never know. - I know he keeps teasing it. I want him to be fucking awesome. - I think he was really close before the pandemic. Like, when he hosted us and now, he seemed like he was really close. - Wait, you're right, 'cause wasn't he doing like a documentary thing? - Yeah, he was doing it like. - And it felt like the ramp up thing. - It seemed like he had like a deal, I believe, like a Netflix deal. - Fuck. - I don't know if it ever, whatever happened, but I don't know if it's still a thing, but he seemed pretty close and then a pandemic happened and then it was like, it shut everybody. - Yeah. That's devastating, 'cause sometimes I think about some like, world where I'm just hanging out. I'm not doing shit, but I probably would get bored in like, "Have you really?" - I do, dude. I think about just having nothing on my fuck. I guess what it really is, it's having nothing on a calendar. It's waking up with no responsibilities, with nothing to do, nothing to deliver. Doesn't that sound nice? - It sounds amazing only because I'm obsessed with what I do. - But if I actually had it, I would feel like I failed. - Yeah. - Or like I'm not doing it enough. Like if I have a break coming up, I'm like, oh man, it's gonna be so good to get that break, but that break is only excited because I've been working. - I see. - But if I wasn't, it's like working out. It's like you think of your rest part because you're tired and you're sore, but when you've just been resting, you feel out of shape. - Fuck, dude, I don't know. - I don't know. - I guess I'll just give you a bad example. (laughing) - I feel like just two fat guys talking about working out. - Oh, right, of course. When you're working out. - Yeah, that's what I imagine it to be, though. - Of course. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. I just, oh, oh, I see, Mike. It's kind of like when you're not drinking. - Right, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like you know, right after you run a marathon. - Right, right, right, right, right, right, right. - I did love in this, and the special is great. I love the special, the true. - I can't believe you actually watched it. - Of course. - Sure, you can. I appreciate it, dude. Thank you. No, I was fucking pumped to see it because you know I do I will say as a stand-up fan Like I moved here in 2014, which is kind of like the year you were blowing like was not like the crazy year for you 2013 maybe maybe yeah anyway I just remember like yeah, maybe about because I was a huge fan still am and there is a little part when somebody gets an awesome job We were like fuck. I wish you just did more stand-up. Yeah, you know what I mean? So that's why when you come out of the special I'm like hell yeah, dude It's like it's crazy now to think about it because I only this would be my third one that's not his nuts And I feel like I should be at about Nine. No, we do too many specials now, too. That's another thing. There's special inflation They feel special when you put them out. I will say that because you don't do oh really no comment You think we should do more. No, I think I think I think I think there's way too many special 100 But I don't want to be the old fat guy on the couch complaining about what comedy is no, that's the whole point You get to be the old guy who complains. I don't want to be that. That's your destiny. You can't. I'm trying not to be that And I got to stop myself. I see it. I see it all the time. Yeah, stop myself from being that fucking old guy That's like, you know, that's not why we started right right right. That's not what this is about and I'm also like you know I'm a fucking net worth sell out anyway Only the specials released on peacock and other NBC universal properties are good Yeah, so I don't I don't want to be that guy, but yeah, I agree. I do think I do think that we kind of turn special Into content. Yeah, everything Consent is such a dirty dirty dirty word for my Palette 100% because it's just it's turned Specific types of art. They just put it on one trough and they're like what you do doesn't matter You just have to create for masses. It's just it's just fucking billboards Well, the internet brand brand placing dude the social media is so smart because they just they basically created a network Where they don't have to pay any of the talent where they're just like yeah, fucking you put it put on fucking free shows for our and we just Have the infrastructure and we get fucking rich off stealing your data where it's like it's fat It's crazy because the amount of work people put into their social media now is what used to be a job and now they're just They've successfully turned people into robots and now they're just making new robots that are actually robots More efficient that they don't have to pay at all, and then it's like well, you just created your own replacement So very very strange world we put on I know well once we get sex robots it'll all it'll all even out in the wash At least we got Steve Harvey Steve Harvey's gonna do it. No AI although fuck The AI himself you're right. I'm never gonna get family if you'd because Steve Harvey's gonna sign a deal with it with fucking anthropic And robot Steve Harvey's gonna post family if you'd until until the sun explodes Steve Harvey would have just had in a jar Yeah, they have to take a bit of the jar to trim the mustache every once a week Let's get the mustache looking fresh if you so what's the sweet spot? We say every three years every two years three feels nice three feels good I feel like you get a good year of sort of raston and figuring shit out living you got to live a little bit got to live Then a year of touring and then the special should come right after that. I think that's right. Yeah, I think like I think because this time I I did three years, but I think in the middle of it I did a bunch of like we did tires. I did it like a movie and I just wasn't focused on it the whole time Mm-hmm, and it was like it didn't feel like I get it really felt like I did in like a year and a half That's exactly how I felt would have to know yeah, dude, exactly because it I don't know if you feel the same way But it's like the momentum of an hour is so nice when you have it in your bones where you're like it starts and you're kind of unsure Whatever, but when that's in there and then you're just like working on the Tangible shit, the shit in the back of your head. That's the best feeling. That's when it feels like it's yeah It's like it's own thing. Yeah, and then you're like excited to present it right to like you take it to see Oh, I can't wait to see how they received. Yeah, yeah, yeah sound like because now it's like I don't know It's it starts to develop on its own and as as Story starts to develop and conversation starts to develop Just in the landscape of media you it starts to feel more relevant Maybe starts stuff starts to feel old right you start to see what's ever green? Yeah, it always feels good and what feels topical. What feels new? Not like having a joke from like last year that works perfectly for what's going on right now And yeah, yeah, this is like I got away with one Yeah, so I think I think it needs that time and nowadays it's it's more of a feat To like the more stuff you put out people are like that's impressive, right? I guess if that's what the if that's what we're doing but I don't want to I don't want to you know if it's working for you I don't have to shit on anybody, but it's true that What is rewarded now is mass is just The amount not the it's quantity over quality certain and I do think I'm hopeful that we do we have a turn back to sort of like More thoughtful things more curated things at least that's the stuff I'm interested in doing now, right? Because like I did that. That's the key. I think it should be I could all exist in this room for all of it But I think as a stand-up fan I look forward to things that I know took time Yeah, yeah, yeah, you gave a fuck about that wasn't just like two cameras set up and you're like it's my special Whatever you can hear what a joke because sometimes somebody put up a joke and it's funny, but I'm like If you took that on the road for six more months, it'd be amazing Incredibly and now it's like burnt and it's like now was just and then it's like 40 other This is us being the old guys because the concept of burnt means nothing to anyone anymore We thought it's like well you do the joke on one place. You can never do it right that doesn't exist Then that's something that I am trying to figure out like What does that mean? Can I put on shittier versions of my jokes and then refine them and then put them out? Do you think people do you think the audience has changed that much though in the last 10-15 years where they Want to hear what they've seen online or do you I mean because I do feel like no you're right what they want I feel like when I when I'm out there people are Excited to hear new shit 100% 100% that's what makes the live thing the best is that it is in fact It's turned so much that I think some people are now annoyed if they see something live and then it's like Like I had a couple comments This is just me being fresh off the the special whereas so we were like well This is good, but I heard it on at the tour and it's like do you want me to do I think you wrote it on the plane The idea of like stand-up being a thing where it's like well you every every day you just get up there and you say something off the Top of your head for an hour. It's really fucking funny There's people that do it, and I and I do think that one of the good things about comedy now is I think a lot of fans Invest in performers like yeah, almost like a sports team like it's a little bit like it's not like all men I love this work and I love this special. It's now it's like that's my guy. Yeah, everything they do was my thing I feel like and I feel like band bases are like growing and swelling and it allows for artists to do more stuff I just don't think they Maybe take advantage of it. Yeah, right. I mean that's the other thing. It's like I guess all I mean yeah All I want to do is fucking stand up and then I just do other shit because it's available You know what I mean, but I do love stand-up the most it feels like that's why we say yes to everything is At least initially it's always like like even like SNL. It's like well that'll help me do Towards what yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, it's like well that'll help with stand-up 100% I mean every everything I did for the special was like Yeah, I'll go on this show because like because like I don't I don't know your fit You're obviously very famous and that's to me it sucks getting a little famous this year I'm like I guess I'll do this so people see my stand-up and that's the only reason I want to do it But I do think you did it right though like you you appreciate it. I was like a ton of your oh, thank you, dude Taking down the patriarch Selling out all your roles. Oh, man. Yeah, it's great. I know dude It's really funny where you do a joke about your friends and then it gets clipped and people are like there's a very weird Tabloid thing, but it's probably stand culture as well. It is then culture because they're like all you turn your back We're humans I call them a bitch for doing something stupid. I love that joke to where you're like we just are gonna We're just gonna see what happens after Trump. Yeah We haven't figured it out that we need a system. We need a better sister the joke where you're like a ESPN 1500 high school quarterbacks, but we don't have a list of who's gonna be like a president. It was so good And I also love what came through in the special to is is like I love a man who gives into his vices is so as you can tell From myself My whole life has been - Hey, baby. - I loved the sort of ode, how much you love drinking. You're like, I gotta cut back so I can keep drinking until I die and such an awesome idea, dude, and I totally understand it. - As a man who's the sweet spot. - I do the sweet spot. - I'm trying to get off of, I'm at 200 and 100 milligrams of weed, I'm more of a weed guy. I'm just trying to get me back down like 20, 30. - I have some realistic handle weed. - Yeah. - And I don't like the surprise. I don't like the uncertainty of how is this gonna fuck me up? 'Cause I've had tens that have fucked me up. Like, literally I can't lift my drink because I don't have the strength and my arms to do anything. And I just don't like to eat my entire body. I think it's more of a paranoia thing. Like, I feel like it's just irresponsible for a man to not be in control of his body. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Just as an adult, like anything could fucking happen, dude. Like, you can't just be out here like that. - And now there's just another joke on the special about how you drank until 9 a.m though. So, how do those two drive together and drinking for an eight hour drink? - I can drink, listen, I can drink till 9 a.m. And you wouldn't know that I was drinking till 9 a.m. - I believe that you believe that. I believe that you think that's true. - It's been times where I drink till 9 a.m. And, like, literally, drove home so easy that I don't know how I got known. - It reset, it's like, I don't even know how to drive this joke. I don't even know how to drive this joke. And I would never do that. - No, no, kidding. - The guy who grew up in New York, he can't drive. - I can't drive, I don't know. - You and Sam, the same thing, Sam can't drive at all. Anyone who grew up in New York City. - Is that true? He doesn't know how to drive. - I didn't know that. - I didn't, neither can I, I cannot drive. - No, you guys are city hicks, basically. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - He's like, we won't say we're Sam lives. - What, what, what, what, what, I know, like, what? - Yeah, what's that great restaurant right next to it? (laughing) - That you can easily Google. (laughing) - Do you remember your first drink? The first thing you had as a, as a boy? - Yes. It was, um, old English. - Oh, hell, yeah. - It was a little bit, like old English was like a really popular. - The 40s. - The cans and the 40s, the cans, I guess, were 22. And then the 40s was 40. And I remember there was like, I don't wanna say who, but, and our building, there was an apartment that it was like one of those kind of families that like anything goes. - Of course. - Everybody, every building kind of has that, every neighborhood has that like that family. - The family that you get, they're like, just get fucked up in our garage. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, this was that, but the project version, it would be like hard games or whatever, and then where my siblings would take me down, you know, whatever, you just like go down. - It's the party apartment. - Yeah. - And I remember there was like a half a can of beer, and we just wanted to drink it. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. - And it was warm and awful. - Right. - And it was like, to me, I was like, well, adults are just crazy. I was probably like, nine, eight years old. - Sure, yeah, yeah, yeah. - I was like, well, adults are just crazy. - Of course. - And then I think the first time I ever tasted it, alcohol that was like, oh, that's good. I was probably like 12, and it was like a peanut collada. - Yeah, you got so good. - Like everybody was drinking peanut colladas in the house, they had like a blender. - Of course. - And I taste it. - It's not very dackery. - Dackery or something like that. - It's a fat child. - Ooh. - I was crushing dackeries, and I would order virgin dackery and peanut colladas. - I still order virgin peanut colladas. - Like a BBQ, that was BBQ. - Ooh, okay. - You know about that? - No. - That's a New York City staple. - Is that still around, didn't it? - Oh, there's tons of them. There's one on like 23rd Street, and there was a avenue. - Is that one still there? - Yeah, it's gotta be. Oh man, we'll break my heart if that's not there. - Look at that. - That was BBQ. - That was BBQ. - There's gotta be a few. - There's a few, but I think the one you're talking about is still there, actually, 'cause then there was one on like, then like aster place, there was one on like, on like, what's that? - So that's a New York chain. - It's a New York chain. - That was BBQ. - Yeah, and they would, and they would serve these giant fucking dacqueries and peanut colladas. - Henny colladas, that's where it was like infinity. - It would be a big ass peanut collada, and they would have like a upside-down bottle of Hennessy in it. - That's awesome. - It was the bomb, but it doesn't taste good with the Hennessy, to me, 'cause Hennessy, you can't hide Hennessy. - Right, right, right, right. - You know you're drinking Hennessy. - Sure. - So like, I would get the virgin one, because it just tastes good, and then I'll just like drink a shot when I want it. - Just get a fuck out. - He'd drink a shot when you get a shot, but drink the fucking calories. - You deconstructed the peanut collada. - Henny collada, yes. - It's the Michael K. Specials, the deconstructed Henny collada. - I never liked Henny though. Like, Henny was like a very big thing in the neighborhood. - Of course. - We didn't really like, I never really liked Henny. It was always incredible hoax. Remember the incredible hoax? - 'Cause the hypnotic. - Hypnotic. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - You got that hip hypnotic. - Yeah, absolutely. - You're from Baltimore. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - I've had a couple incredible holes. - There's a different kind of like white guy that grew up in a black area. - Sure, yeah, yeah. - I think you were surprised I'm one of those guys. - I was surprised. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - I was surprised. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - How did that happen? - Like, how did I end up in Baltimore? - Literally what happened is my grandfather was in Greece looking for work. He goes, you know, it's back in the day where you just have to go ask around. - He's left this. - He left, yeah, yeah, yeah. - To go to Baltimore. - Well, dude, literally some guy was like, hey, he told them all the, the job was like, hey, he was a machine worker. And he told them how much, and it paid like triple anything he'd ever been offered. And he's like, yeah, fuck, whatever it is, great. The job is in America. And he gave him two choices. New York City, Astoria, or Baltimore, and he knew one guy in Baltimore. So he was like, Baltimore. - Wow. - My life is so different if my fucking grandfather comes to Astoria. I inherited a fucking $2 million house instead of, the house I grew up in, you know, it's worth it right now, $180,000. (laughing) - That's crazy. - Today is one's worth. - That's fucking crazy. (laughing) - But yeah, I remember, oh man, the incredible hole, 'cause I believe Little Wayne had it in his cribs. He was mentioning the hypnotic, the incredible hole. - Never been sicker than when I would drink that as a youngster. - Of course. - I never really liked it. I used to like Southern comfort. - Sure. - I used to like-- - Soko Amoretto. - I could do like Remy, Remy Martin. I could do that as, you know, like that was shit. But that was usually too expensive. Like, I would shit was like, we didn't have money. So like, we would get as drunk as possible when it says Little is possible. - A pop-all five. - So we're fucking Georgie. (laughing) - And the plastic, yeah, a pint of fucking Georgie. And we would just put it, go to Dunkin' Donuts, get like a cup of ice and like a fucking bunch of some shit. And then you would drink that, you tailgate it, park it up, and then you go in the bar, two drinks is mass. - Awesome. - Great, yeah. - Yeah, we would drink pop-all with crystal light, was my, that was my college. - Crystal light, see, I don't like fake sugar. - Pink drink is what we call the Pank Drink. You know, once we got fucked up. - But what was the, was it vodka? - It was pop-all vodka. Yeah, yeah. With maybe a little water if you had diluted, but yeah, those were-- - Yeah, the ice does that. - Ice does a nice job of that. - Ice does that. - You're right. - 'Cause like, that warm vodka and that cold ice it turns gets you that nice little-- - It is nice. There is a romanticism to it. I think I got, I couldn't handle drinking as much as I became a weed guy later on, but there's something nice about, at a party, the effect of slowly getting drunk and slowly believing in yourself more, nothing better. - I just like, I like the slow, I love the control of knowing that. Okay, 'cause like I'm not like a shots guy. I'm not like, let's get hammered guy. I'm just a guy that can be out for a long time. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - You know what I mean? Like, I can do it for a long time. - Totally. - I'm an endurance guy. - James is the same way, by the way. That mother was gonna drink up one beer every 15 minutes for infinity. - Yeah, I don't know. - And I don't got that in me. I will get fucked up and I will order a cheese steak and I will be asleep. Like I would cry, I would fall asleep. I was the guy fall asleep. - How do you not fall asleep? - I feel like whenever I've done weed, I'm like ready to fall asleep every time. - I mean, I do that too. I'm the guy who passes out. I also had undiagnosed sleep apnea. So I in college, I'll just get fucked up and I'd be like, just like that. - That'd be a part of me, snoring. - Snoring, but don't we all have sleep apnea? - I mean, me and you do. - Probably like you. - Eldest too. Eldest claims he doesn't. I know you do. - I might. - No, he doesn't. (laughing) - Do you care about, do you worry about your health or are you like a hypokondriac in any way? - I'm good. - You're good. - I know, crack it. Oh, it's just getting younger and younger. (laughing) - And if he's getting younger. - He's getting alright, I'm doing alright. (laughing) I go by him, I'm like man, he's doing way worse than me. - That's a beautiful person. - He looks good, it's so fucking. - Well, you know what, that's exactly the perspective we're gonna bring to our callers here, Mike. (laughing) Of course. - That's a crack kid. (laughing) - We'll apply the crack kid corollary whenever anybody calls in with a question. Let's take some calls. Also, we want to say, I don't know, we even said the name of the special. It's on Netflix, shot in Minnesota. - That's right. - Michael Chase shot in Minnesota. It is shot in Minnesota, yeah. The crowd is going wild. (laughing) - Truly a great special, watch it folks. It's on Netflix either tomorrow or right now. Stavvy's world is sponsored by Stavvy's world. That's right. We're buying an ad for ourselves to tell you, to call in with all your holiday questions, folks. Look, you know how we do business here. We do episodes on one batch, all right? It's never going to change. Stop complaining. It's what it is. Go fucking listen to, are you garbage if you want people who chime in every week? Literally just listen to the best. But what do I want from you? You got a question about Halloween. You got a question about Thanksgiving. Maybe Christmas. You're in laws of that kind of stuff. Send them in now because we are recording our holiday episodes in the coming weeks. So please, if you have any queries about Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, what have you new years? The Equinox. I don't, I don't fucking know. Whatever's going on in winter. You got winter questions just ask them. Because now is the time we're going to be recording through the holiday so that we can all see our families, all right? So that's, we just wanted to get, tell them to us now so we can get them in the episodes as it comes out. We love you and use promo code Stavi to, and put the voicemails in whatever. Next ad. So why don't we take some calls? Oh, this, what do you got for? I'm the visible hotline, of course. Let's take, let's take some calls on the visible hotline. Of course, how can I forget? What's it got? Yes, and all this. I am calling about a dating situation I mean, and I'm looking for some advice on this. I am seeing, I'm 30. I'm seeing a gentleman who is in 50 and we met on dating app. And he is someone who has a bit of a public profile. He's a doctor and he's written some books. And he's, he ever had a pet talk, things like that. And, damn, he's dating for a photographer. That's a little getting sluggish. Anyway, keep going. He's dating for a photographer for he is 53 years old. And he very openly has talked to me about his books and his TED talk and all that. And so he's pretty easily Googleable. And so I looked him up close, curious about his TED talk. And I found that he doesn't have 58 years old. But I don't particularly mind in terms of dating someone who is 58. But I feel like I should tell this person because I know that he is dating and, you know, needing other people that that's pretty uncool. And some people might even consider quite sexually appropriate to like lie to someone about elements of your life in order to have sex with you. Hold on. But I want to say it's that way. And I know he's dating. That's not what, you know, fucking wish he was five years younger than you thought he was. Like, or older, like, I get what you mean. He shouldn't misrepresent himself. But I think we're elevating lying about your age five years as a form of assault is a little much. It's indecent that you shouldn't do it. But I guess she has more. Who wants to have sex with the truth? Yeah, it's a fantasy, we're selling ourselves. Yeah, who's got to fuck the truth? And at the end of that, he is a TikTok doctor. He's fucking selling peptides and doing fucking dances. Keep going. But I want to say it's definitely, and I know he's new to dating and I don't want to be unkind. He also never lied to my face. He just said that on his dating profile and I never brought up his age. OK. So how would you handle that? OK, thank you. Bye. This is fucking nothing. It's nothing. But I thought women were like lying about the age all the time. Like, that was like the point. I do think it is more traditionally women who are lying about their age. It's like rude to ask them. It's rude to ask women to really smooth move. They'll be like, hey, it's rude to ask me if I'm lying. Yeah. Don't have breached etiquette my friends. Because he must have loved me lying. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Whatever. If you're ready, like him, you like him. So what do you? Yeah. And you can bring it up and be like, hey, I was looking for your tag dog and I saw that you were 50, whatever. It's like, what age are you? Because the truth is some, I'm sure this is what happened with him. But sometimes the dating app has, we'll put your age in wrong. I'm sure that's not what happened here. But you can bring it up with him if you want. You could be like, hey, when were you? I mean, I don't know. Maybe wait until his birthday and be like, hey, when was this, by the way, how many years ago was the first one? Yeah. Yeah. One is birthday. You should say, hey, we're going to get you a cake. Which candles should we buy? Yeah. Genius. Yeah. Yeah. I need to know which of the novelty candles to buy you. Is it 6'0 or 5'5? Yeah. Yeah. But I'm, yeah, I feel like you'd probably be cool with it. I mean, I usually cool with their age, right? I don't know. That's what I'm saying. It's weird he even lied. But I guess lying on the dating app, especially when your public figure is insane. Yeah. When you're, wow, move. When you're easily Googleable, you can't be lying about shit like that. Actually, though, that's actually a good point. He might be lying for his like Hollywood. Oh, to be, because you want to be a wise old doctor. Right. If you're a doctor who looks good. Right. Oh, that's actually really smart. He might be like, yeah, lie to some people think I'm a little bit wiser and-- And I look better for my age. People think I'm 60. I'm actually 53. I'm like, great looking 60 year old. And it helps me sell my fucking, you know, my program. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, now we go. That's interesting. Have you ever considered that? Have you considered that? The reverse lie. I guess still a lie, but a different lie. Sometimes you hear about guys like filtering their height on there. It's like-- I don't want to get upset with that. It's like I'm 59, but I'm trying to get in that 5/11, 6 foot filter or something. Of course. So you lie about your height. And I wonder if that's what he's doing, too. He just wants to, you know, 52, 58 doesn't really matter, but-- No, it matters. That's like, you know, I get-- Are you 50 or 60? 50 or 60? Oh, you say, like, for when women are searching. They look like I don't want anybody over 55. Right, right, right. He gets the women and still want women at 50. Yeah. It wants a guy at 53. That's true, too. Yeah, yeah. And you're under deceit happening here, one way or another, but ultimately it's minor who gives a fuck. Yeah, it's my own cares. Interesting, though. He's double-- you don't care. He's double your age and he's a TikTok doctor. And you're like, yeah, I'm down. Interesting. I wonder what kind of thing he's-- What would he have a problem with-- You don't like TikTok doctors? You said they're like seven times. I just think it's a weird type of guy that's really weird. I guess that's-- Maybe I'm fighting the times. I just think what we were talking about stand-up comedy being degraded earlier. Yeah. I think by stand-up comedy has been degraded by social media. What do you think he's doing to medicine? You think he's helping it? Yeah. I don't want my doctor with a face-- like a front-facing camera. Exactly, dude. I do not want my doctor known about his angles. I don't want my doctor practicing choreography. No lip-syncing for my doctor, thank you. My ortho. I do not want him doing a perfect little massage. I don't have a streak. Yeah. Yeah. So anyway, you're right. You caught my animosity towards the medical professional on TikTok. But you know what? I watched them. I fucked my back up. So I watched what they have to say. This is you. You're nothing for the back, right? You're so fucked. It's crazy. You're so fucked. It's crazy. Give us another one that maybe is good, Eldis. We've got a great guest on. You give us this bullshit fucking gift question. Eldis. Eldis. Eldis. Eldis. Eldis, uh, six, five, and that's a real number. Yeah. He is. He is tall. Yeah. Our friendship has been marked by Eldis. Eldis could never live in my shoes. He had to be, he had to be tall. He had to have a full head of hair. Hey. You know. Oh, that's right. You don't. Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah. I'm not shy about it. I'm just happy to be wrapping the Orioles today. No, I like it, man. You can see me publicly. But it's also to see like you're lucky in a way that you're like. Like if I seen your picture at a restaurant, I'm like, oh, yeah, they got stopped me. I'm very caricatured. Yeah. Yeah. Very like. But that's great. That's great. That's great. But what's your branding? Yeah. Yeah. You could silhouette you and people to know. That's the silhouette. Yeah. Which is, you're right. It's good and it's also bad. Because there's no, if you think it's me, it's me. You know. Whereas like if you're just a generic like there was a Jimmy Kimmel joke thing where they had the guy played Superman in front of a in front of a billboard of Superman and no one stops. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Thank you, man. That's way better. I appreciate that. What else we got? LD. Hey, stop. Baby. Long time. First time. I want to say at the outset, my relationship with my husband is fucking incredible. We've been together for a long time. We get along. We don't fight. We have a lot of fun. He's incredible. He goes out of his way to show me that he cares about me and I truly believe it when he says that. Here's my problem with him. That's the thing that ever happened to him. Yeah. I will say our next life has gone down the last few years. I think it's a combination of him not partying anymore. And also. A lot of stress in his life are libidos have always been mismatched, but mine. - Yeah. - So I have the sex drive of a fucking psychopath that is institutionalized. - Maybe you should. - But at least once a day, there will be a moment where I'm working or cleaning the house or driving or going to the store where I get so fucking horny that my nipples are hard and I've been wet and throbbing. For no fucking reason. I think about sex constantly. - Chill for a second, though. (laughing) - I'm trying to do a podcast. (laughing) - No, let's give us a breather, let it, yeah. - Let the man's rough burn. (laughing) - Beetle. - You gotta think about her fucking cuck husband a little bit. - Jesus. (laughing) - Okay, go ahead, resume. (laughing) - I'm simply, and lately, he doesn't. - I wonder why he's so stressed. (laughing) - You wake up, she's gonna want me to fuck her three times. I got a fucking presentation tomorrow, right? I told her, it's about her pussy for 40 minutes. (laughing) Just wanting to get fucked so bad, it's killing your husband, what else does she have? - He doesn't. I mean, when we do have sex, it's amazing. I always have a lot. He comes, like, sometimes twice. - Okay. - Awesome. My question is-- - Twice is way too much for me. - Twice. - I don't know how to do it. I've never had to do it in my life. - Oh. - I'm saying the question. - We'll send him, like, beautiful and pretty explicit news. And I'll get, like, some, I'll get a little bit back, you know, but it doesn't lead anywhere. Or I will, you know, I will bring him his coffee in the morning and I'll be naked and I'll get in bed and I'll be, like, touching him and he's, like, looking at his phone and I'm like-- - Anything else? - I'm like, I get to eat the wine, but I feel like what's a better way to online than me sucking his dick. - And again, I totally get it. - It is pretty relaxing. - I feel like-- - I mean-- - And I'm like, hey, will you suck my dick? I would be like, yes. - Absolutely. - But you're different people. You understand that. - But obviously that doesn't work and it feels a little bit pathetic to be like, I'm warning, will you fuck me, please? So I'm, like, wearing-- - Again, cheering more. (laughing) - I'll just isolate that and send it to my phone, please. I'll just clip that, send it, put that directly to my AirPods somehow. (laughing) - Make that the noise that happens with my AirPods pair with my computer, please. (laughing) - Knock my body more, you know. And those things are starting to work. But I'm just looking for advice 'cause I-- - I mean, this is the easiest question of all time. - They thought having an Apple Pie. - Sit on your washing machine home. - Yeah. - Well, she's asking, like, how does she initiate sex with it? She just hasn't even tried. I guess she's used to him-- - She's probably tired. - Yeah, he's tired. - Like, that's what they're married. - Well, you know what's interesting? When she started this, she was like, he doesn't party and he's stressed. - Yeah. - And then she told us no details about that. - No. - She just talked about how much she wanted to, how horny she was for-- - She does not care. - Yeah, yeah. It's like, what is going on in his life? Why is he stressed? I get your nipples are hard, but what's going on at the office with your fucking husband? - Yeah, why is he-- - Your nipples are hard, but he's crying. (laughing) His eyes are watering. (laughing) - She didn't say how long they've been married, Elders? - Oh, man. She might be just hitting on you, bro. - Yeah, I mean, listen, why don't you DM me and we'll continue this conversation there? - You ever have that happen to you? You ever have like a guy bring his wife to you with some weird shit like that? - There was one weird show where Liz Girl was DMing me and she was like being almost as explicit as our friend here. - Yeah. - And I was like, nice. I might go get some of the green room, right? Like between shows. - Man, never know what to say to this. Anything sexy. - Oh my god, nice. - Nice. (laughing) - I just said nipples are hard. Driving thinking of you, nice. (laughing) Yeah, you like that? - Sick, that's awesome. (laughing) - Very good. - Whoa, for real, can I see? - It's just like, it's like when you get like a new, what do you write back? - Yeah, you get it. - You give it a heart for sure. - Give it a heart. - You gotta go and, I think a nude you wanna go emoji 'cause it's almost like, it's more visceral. It's more caveman. You wanna get, you wanna give the, you know, drooling emoji. - Crazy amount of it. - Crazy. - I'm losing my mind. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. - Just so my wife's tits today. (laughing) - I'm going nuts over my wife's pussy. - Man. (laughing) - So I think, yeah, that's, I mean, what's going on with him? You're married. I'm sure you'd like, you're hot. You're always horny. People have always fucked you whatever you wanted to. You're in a new phase of life. You're gonna have to work for dick a little bit for the first time. And that's what matrimony is about. If you were a single woman, I'm sure, you know, nonstop you could be getting stuffed if you wanted to. But now you've entered a, you know, beautiful contract of marriage and it's give and take. And you might be getting fucked a little less than you'd like. But you gotta communicate with your husband here. And by the way, I bet you, if you just tried to grab his dick for a second, instead of just like being naked, putting his coffee down while he's playing fucking, you know, wordle. I bet you, you'd get at least a 50% success rate on a dick grab. I don't know. You don't think so? - No. - This, this, this, you're the husband in this? - If you, if your life is walking around naked and you're looking at your phone, trying not to. - True. - This guy's tired of fucking. - Yeah. - He might just be depressed, you know. - Or what if someone put a bomb in his nuts? - No. - And he'll explode if he comes. And he really wants to fuck you really badly. But he's actually, he loves you so much that if he goes. - The man is sad. - Yeah, he's probably just depressed and stressed out. - Fuckin' find out why he's sad. (laughing) - They look at it in another way. Let's say you were sad, lady. Let's say you were really sad. And your guy was like, man, I'm just so fucking hard all the time. - Yeah, right, right, right. - My girlfriend was crying and like, no, like he said, find out why he's fucking sad. - It might, it might, it might help. - That's a really good quote. Like, I feel like every woman has had the experience of like, oh, why don't I give you a massage and then you just feel the guy's hard dick on your back or whatever. Where they clearly are just trying to fuck you. Right now, what you are is a hard dick during a massage to your husband. - You're a hard dick on the back, yeah. - You're a hard dick on the small of his back. And what he needs is to be nurtured. It's not about, it's not about. - You're a hard dick on the back. (laughing) That's the advice right now you're a hard dick on the back. - Yes, right now you're a hard dick on your husband's back. And you need to think, you need to think about his soul first. Michael is right. He's sad, get it, figure out what's wrong with him. He's like, hey, what's going on? Literally, if you asked him a little bit, that could lead to it. And by the way, you could say, oh, you could also say after he opens up, you could be like, well, you know, the biggest problem for me is like, I would just love for us to have sex more. And whenever you're feeling better, that can also be like a little, the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. Where it's like, hey, figure your shit out and we can go crazy again. - That's right. - But I just need, you know, and true. I think that's what it is. It's like, we have to address the underlying causes here. 'Cause we could tell you like, I don't know, we could, you could figure out where to trick. You could throw a little viagra in his coffee. We could tell you how to trick him. But that will not have lasting effects. - Yeah, don't drug your husband. - Do not, we are officially saying do not drug and assault your husband. (laughing) But yeah, let's see what the root is. What's the stress about? Can you help him out? Can you get him these stress? 'Cause yeah, if you're sad, you're stressed, whatever. Any gender, you're not going to fuck. - It's like a lot of women think that we're so horny that we should just always want to have sex. - Right. - And that's not the case. - It's simply not the case. They think we're gross, we're dolls or like, we're pathetic. And if it's presented, we should just want to. - Of course. - Unless, and if we don't, that means there's something wrong with them. - Right. - Sometimes we just don't want to have sex 'cause we're sad. - Well, that's a good point that like wrong with them. 'Cause that's happened in the past, we're sad. - Yeah. - Yeah, I've been in a relationship and it's like, I have been sad and not wanted to fuck. - Yeah. - And then the girl's taken it personally. And I'm like, this is not about you. Obviously, you're the, like I, you're the hottest shit I'd love to be able to do is my head is not. But I think when you, when you put your value with your sexuality, which happens unfortunately in our society for women a lot. - Certain. - Especially for somebody like this who's like, she's hot, she's like, been horny her whole life. - Cutting glass with her nipple. (laughing) - Exactly. She, that woman puts a couple of sham wases, sham wases down on her Honda Civic before she drives. That type of woman. Yes, she probably had, you probably are caller, have linked some of yourself worth to like sex and being desired. So you deal with that while you help your husband deal with whatever the fuck's going on in his head and give it three weeks, I'll bet you'll be suckin' and fuckin' in no time. - Yeah, man, and send that tape. - And say, yeah, yeah. And if that didn't work for you, just go ahead and send me a personal DM. We'll get to the bottom. - Yeah, we gotta see the pictures that you found fun and maybe you don't know your angle. - Right, right. We're actually, we're offering, a consultation service. Are your nudes bad? If any woman would like send them to uh, Chex, Halkey, I don't like Gmail. You don't like news. I don't like news. This is one of the what this guy on fucking subway takes. I just 100% disagree. I wouldn't. You don't like news. I don't like you talking about you need to be in the in the room. I don't know what to do it. I'm like, I have a good time. What do you mean? What is a good time with nudes? Let me ask you this. If you see a fucking uh, uh, fucking high, uh, LeBron highlight. Yeah. What do you know what to do with that? Are you just admire how awesome it is? But what a LeBron, uh, highlight. I don't have to answer. You have to text LeBron back. I don't have to text LeBron like amazing though. The greatest stuff I've ever seen. Thank you so much. I got to do that. But you are much pressure for like what I, I think you could, I know you mean, but I think you know what I mean. It does, but I think it's pretty standard. What's accepted expected of you? I don't think I love what standard. What do you mean? Again, a heart. I definitely hit him with the heart react. And then I'm give an heart. Not enough sometimes. No, of course. Hearts of the bare minimum. But I'm saying you you start with the heart immediately. Heart, right? Then you hit him, you know, a couple emojis, tongue out emoji. Fuck, I'd love to put those in my mouth. That sort of thing. I have no problem with dudes just having something to say when I get them to be honest with you. I love to put those in my mouth. I mean, it's not rocket science, Jay. You just tell them what you like to do with the body part they showed you. I just, I just feel like, yeah. Are you shy? No. All right. Thanks for the. Oh, I see. You feel like it's a burden. You're like, no, I have to react. No, I got to fuck it. It's just like, I don't like when people like, like, like get me gifts either. Okay. That's fair. Then that lines up. Yeah. Oh, this actually makes so much sense. It's not, it's not that I don't know what to do. You're not anti-horny. I don't don't, I don't need that. What do you think that is? What do you, why can't you accept to gift or what about a compliment? Can you accept those? A long time listener first time. I will say. Thank you, Stavya. I just, no, I just, I don't know. I feel like I don't, I think that sometimes people give you something because they want a certain reaction from you. It feels transactional. It feels very transactional. Interesting. And I'm like, I don't. Yeah. And there's pressure. And now you feel like in a perfect world, oh, I'm just accepting something awesome. But in reality, you feel the pressure to react in the way, you know, you're put on the spot to have to almost give a immediate gift back in the moment when I get that and maybe I just never got the special nudes, you know, and that's true. Yeah. Keep trying, gals. I guess. Can you break, chase, long standing, hate of nudes, only one way to find out. Send those straight way to start. It'll be like, yeah, I hate, first of all, I've never seen nudes I've lost. So try it. I dare you to try it impressively. And furthermore, I've never come from head. Good luck. Just nutting immediately, completely like, oh, fuck. You're amazing. I'm getting the fuck out of you. Give me an Uber. You're a fucking piece of shit. That's my version of like the Willy Wonka. He comes out in a cane and then he rolls and he's spry. It's like, I can't bust it all immediately bust. That's great. That'd be a great like Wizard of Oz style movie. What are you looking for? Well, I can never come from head. Never? Not at all. You just put, there's a glory hole through the wizard's little thing. He puts his dick and there's like, holy fuck, this guy's incredible. Whatever the wizard wants, we should do it. Oh, my God. That's fucking great. I hope we solved your problem. I hope we solved your problem, lady. You horny animal. Give us another one, little eldest. Your stuff, Elvis. The steam guest. I have a quick little Baltimore question and then I have a real question. Nice. Do you know if there are any like New England Greek style houses of pizza in Baltimore? I'm a group eating that stuff. I can't find any in Baltimore. I think here's my real question. So I can address this. New England style Greek pizza is just kind of like, it's kind of doughy. I know it a little bit. It's kind of care. It's their carry out pizza. It's a little pizza huddish from when we were kids. Yeah, I think like it's a little pan pizza ish. I think it's the same with New York, though, isn't it? I feel like no, it's a little oilier. They're like New York's thin, whatever. This is a little more pillowy. Okay. I'm not as familiar with it. I've heard it mostly from my boy Mike Mitchell of the doboys. Now Greek Baltimore does have so many Greek carry-outs that I would say just go to a sheet. I mean, that's the thing. The places you're looking for in Baltimore are in bad neighborhoods. It's like, you know, like some of the bet. There's mar--well, Maria D's in Fed Hill, Filipos in Greek town. That's my go-to for my nostalgia. Well, yeah, dude, just go to shitty carry-outs, buy pizza from places that have pizza-wing subs, everything on the menu. That's the closest you're going to get to what you're looking for. So that's my--that's the one I treat the most seriously, by the way. It's a pizza question. I'm like, "Yeah." Well, I'm glad you asked. I'm used to drop that. That's just the average one. That's the best. That's so serious. You just shut up for a second, Mike. You want to go to my town? Oh, fuck off, dude. I got something to say. I was like, "I think it's the same it. No, it's not shut up, dude." I know what I'm talking about. I studied with the doboys. I know I decided my story. So fuck just happened. And when he asked the question, he was like, "Oh, this stupid ass question." Okay, seriously. You want to go to some--you want to make sure this wings subs? Really? Look, you can find a gym like that. They got 'em all over, man. Next time you're at McGoobies. You let me know. I'll send you some places. Play the rest of the call. So I've been on a weight loss journey. We're getting a shape journey. You can't ask both of them. That's so funny. Where could I get great pizza? And help me on my weight loss journey. Get the fuck out of here. You know what? That was the best time--that guy unintentionally had the best timing of all time. All right. So you're getting shredded here. I mean, it kind of leaves like 10, 15 pounds, get down like 15 percent of the body fat. And you want to know what the best cheese steak in Baltimore is? And getting more fit and like-- No, you're getting more muscular. My wife is like acting like I have a eating disorder. But she's obviously seeing me get more in shape and she's like, you know, like rubbing up on me and thinking I'm hot and like, you know, we've been having a lot more sex. By the way, if you've ever-- you need to try getting milked and doggies out of the ass. Oh, okay man. What the fuck, what the fuck, right now this? Milked and doggies. Is he getting fingered? What's he saying? Yeah, who's the doggy? Yeah, I think he's--he's putting the collar on. He's putting the collar on. I think it's--I assume it's--I mean, a milking table is you're laying down and your dick is through and you're getting your shit jerked. A milking table? Yeah, those exist. I know that. But that's a fetish item. Is he just means getting jerked off on all fours? Is that what he's saying? I don't know. That truly was just a fun little tidbit. The actual question is coming. Okay. But what did he say? Let's run it back on here. The milking thing. Milked and doggies sell again to your ass eight. That one's crazy. Oh, so he's getting his shit jerk. Oh, he's getting his ass eaten. Damn. That--the last collar should try that. Maybe your--that'll perk her husband back up. This is why he was going into her bag of tricks. That's fucking nuts, dude. Respect. That's great. I have to tip my cap to you and your wife. And you feel like watch whatever you want. That's crazy. Watching Monday night football get your ass eaten on all fours? That does sound excellent. Crazy. So it's like she's obviously enjoying me getting more in shape. But then like we go out to dinner and I'm like, well, I don't need a burger. I'll get like a Greek salad. And then she's like, are you--is everything okay? Are you--this is like feels like eating disorder. It's like--right. I think it's okay if I have a little eating disorder. Yeah, I don't know. Let me know what you think. And--and let me know how to lose like 10 more pounds real quick if you-- The fuck is this? I don't want to get on that particular thing. But maybe if you have a discount food. Or we're going to kind of get testosterone actually. Thank you. Bye. You don't want to lose weight. Then you just want to get jacked. You mother fucker if you want testosterone. I will say there's been an influx of women saying Jim Brose has eating disorders. Like I've been seeing that a lot online. So maybe that's kind of what's going on here. Wait. There's guys that go to gym a lot that have eating disorders. - Well, a lot of women have started calling like being a gym bro 'cause you know, those motherfuckers, you know, they track their protein, carbs, meal prep. And they say it's a type of eating disorder. You know what, they might be right, I guess. But at the end of the day, is there a little bit of like your wife is like a little jealous you're putting it together? 'Cause that does happen. I, speaking, you know, me and Eldes have both been the treacherous hater in the other's life when we've been trying to get our shit together. And we've both knocked the other off the wagon out of fat jealousy where it's like, oh hey, Eldes, I sure go to the gym. Do you wanna get high and eat wings instead? You know, hey dude, just hit the bowl for a second. Oh, looks like I accidentally ordered extra low-main. I guess I'm gonna throw that away unless somebody wants it and then there goes two weeks of progress that I've dragged Eldes down back with me. And he's done the same to me multiple times, but beautiful. We do have a hilariously beautiful relationship. We've known each other since pre-school. - For real? - Yeah, for real. - Oh, you bought them all gone too, huh? - Don't let the technical aptitude, I have to pull. - All right. Yeah, everybody's looking like, look at that wizard. - It's not the technical aptitude. It's the fact that you hold your finger on the middle point, that really took it off the top. Actually, I am from Baltimore. - Yeah, yeah. No, Eldes was the only poorer ethnic white at our school, so I latched on to him, but yeah, I think it could be a little jealousy here, right? Like, whenever you're getting your shit together and the people around you, they can't say, they're like, hey, I feel bad about this. So they have to kind of cast little aspersions at what you're doing. That could be it. I mean, I think, again, or when someone's on a new diet, right? Like the haters, when you're on like, you know, let's say you go low carb and people are like, well, you really need carbs. It's like, well, it's working for me. I'm fat as shit. Can I lose a little weight? - Yeah, I mean, let me be happy. - So I don't know. - Yeah, me. - That's what it feels like to me. - Maybe his flavor is changing. That's his diet, and she's back there. - Right. - Yeah, yeah. (laughing) - He's like, let's get some leafy greens in here. (laughing) - She's up on a peanut. (laughing) - That's, yeah, I mean, that's gotta be what it is, right? Like, and by the way, you could just be like, hey, I'm just trying to get healthier and whatever. She might be teasing you. Maybe you're insecure, I don't know. - I think women sometimes, you know, like women sometimes like a dead body guy. - Sure. - So maybe she's like, dude, you're looking a little too. - That's possible. - Maybe I kind of like the realness. That's sure, I mean, I-- - Maybe women like curves in a way, you know? - Sure, it's possible. - So maybe she's just like, hey, dude, don't lose your, 'cause I have heard women say that they don't like guys that look manicured in that way. Anything that looks too pretty, they're like, yeah. - Well, it is true, if you have friends with Jim Brose, it's like after a certain level of muscle, it's only men that are appreciating your body. - For sure. - No woman wants, like, it's so funny, when we see those videos and it's like, they show a regular guy and they show like a body builder, and they'll be like, who's more attractive, and the most women pick a regular guy, 'cause they're like, that guy looks fucking scary. Jim Brose can't process that. To them, they're like, what? But what's this all for? And it's like, it's for the attention of other men. So that is possible. Maybe your weight loss is going from-- - That's deep, 'cause I feel like the way about like sneakers. - 100%. - But I love sneakers. And I'm like, man, only people that give a fuck about these sneakers is going to be a dude. - The amount of times a woman, like who, let's say, you hooked up with, wouldn't have hooked up with you if you were wearing fucking, you know, kids. - Literally. It's like maybe one girl out of a thousand. - Yeah, they're just like, either they're clean and cute or whatever, they don't care. - They don't give a fuck at all. - Rare, or, they don't give a fuck. - They don't know the number Jordan you're wearing. - They don't, they really don't. But maybe it's that, maybe you're getting too girly, bro. - Yeah. - You're getting-- - I mean, you are in doggy style, getting the ass, like-- (laughing) - Yeah, maybe the clues were out there all along. - Maybe he's like, this guy's getting a little girly on there, man. (laughing) - Well, it sounds like you need a steak, you need something with a knife, brother. (laughing) 'Cause you cut something that bleeds. (laughing) - God damn. - Yeah, no, I can, I mean, it must be so annoying if you're just a regular, if you're just a normal person, it's like the person you're with is tracking every calorie, it won't drink, won't like, 'cause that's, like, I become way less fun when I'm trying to lose weight, 'cause I'm thinking about my meals. I'm not getting fucked up, you know? And this all might just be, it's all together. She might just be like, you're being a little annoying. I'm happy for you, but-- - When the person eating your ass, asking if you have a eating disorder. (laughing) - You might have a eating disorder. - You're right, she might just be checking to see what your gut biome is like back there. - Yeah, she probably cares. - She ate your ass and then spit it into a tube and sent it off to, uh, sent it off to a fucking GI doctor. Is he getting enough, is he getting enough protein? (laughing) - I hope she listens to this. - Me too. Oh, she got something fun for us to go out on, little buddy. - There's more fun, that's just one fun. - That's one as fucking, you could be. - Wait, it's not gonna be as fun as that guy's. - Is that a problem with that thing now, ass eating and getting milk to the table? - I've never heard of that table. - I've heard of the milking table, but I do not know, I don't know-- - A milking table. - I gotta be honest with you, would he describe, sounds interesting to me. I've never gotten my ass eaten, but I'm listening from that description. So, they've got all fours, it's interesting. - All fours, it's so funny. (laughing) - That's a real deep level process. - Even if I were interested, it'd be so hard to get me to believe you're not gonna stand up and say, "Ah, right, right, right." - I do it. (laughing) - I do it. - Fuck you, I do it. (laughing) - I know, I'm not doing it. - You're on, you're like, it takes up a lot of like, all right, fine, I'll do it. And you're like a ch-ch-ch-ch. (laughing) - You know what, you're right, we're not doing better than that. That's the episode. - I'm not doing it, I'm not fucking doing it. Watch the special folks. It's so, it's really so fucking funny. I got, they said that to me early, I was very happy to watch it immediately. You guys are gonna love it. - Oh, shit, thanks, Doc. - Dude, it's so, the joke writing so fucking good on there. And it's great to see you doing stand-up. Yeah, watch the fucking special on Netflix, either tomorrow or it's already on Netflix right now. Michael Chey shot in Minnesota. See you next time, guys, bye. Chey, thanks for coming. - Yo, thank you, man, this is so much fun. (upbeat music)