2025's Worst Person | Reading Reddit Stories

Hello and welcome to Smosh Reads Reddit Stories. I'm Shane, and today it's our final episode of Reddit Stories of 2025. And the great thing is, it might be our final episode of Reddit Stories for 2025, but it is the first episode of Reddit Stories in a while that has our good friend Amanda Leehan-Canto, who is busy talking to Angela. They've been talking for months now. Oh my god. But today, we have the wildest stories. Sorry, sorry. We haven't been in a video together yet. Oh my god, we haven't been in a video together. Were you catching her up? Hi, Shane. Hi, Amanda. Yeah, we were just talking about fettuccine and, you know, farts. That's so great. She goes, well, I barf a little when I have fettuccine. That's traditional. You know, I'm back. Yes. And it feels good. It feels good to be back on this couch with this. Yes! God, I love this blanket. Absolutely nothing has changed. Nothing, nothing. I love that. Shockingly, the same couch, same chair. And this! Yeah. But you have had her all day. Now I get her. Yeah, honey. All right, so just keep the reading quick. Okay. Our producers, they've been saving these stories for this episode. These are some of the wildest stories they've come across this year, where they couldn't quite find the right spot. They bought for them, so they saved them for now. For us? They saved them for you. Yay! So I think we'll need to buckle up for this whole episode. Okay. Yeah. It's from here. Buckle, buckle. Yeah. It's one of the. Oh, my God. Yeah, buckle! Yeah. Nice. We're at Six Flags. Yeah! Which is not a good omen. No. A bad omen. All right. All right, well, are we ready to hop into the final one of 2025? I'm so ready. I'm so ready. Ready. Okay, here we go. Our first story, Am I the Asshole? This was posted earlier this year, around April. Am I the asshole for snapping when someone rubbed my belly and implied I might be pregnant? So today, my office building was throwing a little Fiesta-themed event, and they offered free lunch in the cafeteria. A bunch of us went down to grab food. While I was standing in line, I opened the Nest camera app to check on something and saw a little bird that's been showing up outside. I laughed and casually said to no one in particular, this bird comes to visit me every day. Right after I said that, a coworker, who has made pregnancy comments toward me before, came up, rubbed my belly without asking, and said something like, maybe it's because you've got a baby bird on the way. I felt this immediate wave of rage. Like, why are we still doing this in 2025? So I said, don't be wishing that kind of bad luck on me. She looked super taken aback. And my boss, who overheard, also looked at me like I just said something offensive. It felt like I was the crazy one for being upset, but I didn't ask to be touched. I'm not pregnant, and I don't really like people making those kinds of comments about my body. Now I'm wondering, am I the asshole for reacting the way I did? And I am not overweight, which only makes it weirder because I do not look pregnant. There's a couple of rays of sunshine trying to make me feel bad about my weight. Maybe I need to be more specific. My coworker did not do this out of my looks. That's why I'm concerned, because even though, yes, I'm not the fittest person, I know I don't look pregnant. First of all, Fiesta-themed party. I thought the same thing. What? I went, well, is it Cinco de Mayo, or what is it? That's the one thing I had trouble with. What is the translation of Fiesta? Party. Yeah, party party. Party-themed party. Yeah, party-themed party. And a little bit like saying that a bird is coming to you. That's, okay, I was going to say, off the bat, you're weird. Yeah. There's a little Cinderella wannabe thing. They might be a witch. Or is it Snow White? Snow White, Snow White. Could you imagine a universe where someone goes, hoo-hoo, this little birdie visits me, to no one. And then somebody comes out of nowhere and goes, hoo-hoo. Maybe it's because you've got a little birdie. Maybe it's because you've got a bird on the wall. Weird, weird. Also, yeah, touching a belly is, I will say when I was pregnant, I really enjoyed people touching my belly. I did, but it was pretty clear. Right. It was at the clear point that I was pregnant. And was it anybody? Well, it wasn't the Trader Joe's guy. Yeah. I mean, he did, and I was like, hey, walk me to my car. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I'm joking. I mean, every Trader Joe's guy did say, when do you do? And I'm like, good thing there's a baby in here, bud. I liked it. This is weird on so, the touching is. Well, because this is a co-worker. They shouldn't be touching you. You're a co-worker. You're at work. And this person said they clearly do not look pregnant. That's where I'm getting confused. Yeah, they're like, I don't look pregnant. I'm not pregnant. This co-worker's made pregnancy statements before to them. Yeah, what is that about? So this co-worker has a weird thing going on with saying that they're pregnant when they don't even look pregnant. Does the co-worker, did they hear from someone else that this person might be pregnant? And then also, like, who calls a baby a little bird on the way? I know, maybe because you got a little bird on the way. I kind of want to know more about who this co-worker is. Because the only way that this makes sense to me is if they're a 90-year-old woman. Right. Like, that's the only way that I'm like, okay, just let her be. Like, no one's allowed to touch without asking. Sometimes 90-year-old women can't. I do agree with you completely. I'm like, she's confused. She's confused, does not know where she is. Oh, yeah, I had a neighbor of mine, and she's, like, in her 70s. And she grabbed my belly and then lifted it. Holy God. She was like, when are you due? And she lifted it. And you know what? I went, thanks. That's a relief. She lifted it? She went, when are you due? And it's like she. Oh, don't. She went, you know? And I took it in stride. In stride? What are you supposed to do? Kill him. No, I'm just kidding. Well, but this is an opportunity. I've never heard of. I do not think that she is the asshole at all. I'm scared that because this is a repeated thing, that this person's into that person, into OP, and is into the fact that they're pregnant in some weird way. Like, I'm, like, Reddit hat on, and I'm like, everything's a weird fucking kink, and you're weird. No, okay, I'm not a kink shame, but I don't like this person touching that person and being like, you're pregnant, huh? You're pregnant, huh? Oh, yeah. That's my fear. That's where the 90-year-old woman thing comes in my head, because otherwise everything else just seems. And every voice you guys have done for the person has been a creepy voice, like a. Yeah, yeah. I mean, how do you say. They said, oh, they've got a bird on the way. Yeah, maybe because you have a little bird on the way. He's a little bird on the way. Try to sound really cool. Well, maybe it's because you have a little bird on the way. Yeah, well, it didn't work. The more earnest you go, the worse it gets. Oh, boy. Okay, verdict was not the asshole. Yeah. Comments, not the asshole. Your boss was just giving their initial reaction to one employee verbally snapping at the. I wouldn't worry about that unless it is followed up with comments confirming they believe you are in the wrong. OP is asking if they're the asshole for snapping back when someone grabbed their belly and said, maybe that's because there's a bird on the way. I think we know that they're not the asshole for that. No, oh, no. Maybe it's because there's a bird. Yeah, oh, they said it like that. I mean, of course that's fine. Yeah, it's just a joke. Someone said, not the asshole. Don't touch people's bodies. Don't comment about people's bodies. These are good life rules and imperative office rules. I'd be chatting with HR immediately if I were you. Someone said, not the asshole, no touching, and no assuming a woman is pregnant until she tells you or you see the baby crowning. Even then, don't comment on it. She's busy. I think she's pregnant. Someone said, normalize slapping people's hands away. I'm overweight and sometimes people think I'm pregnant, like asking me when I'm due. But no one has ever laid hands on me like some people do. I would lose my mind. I do not understand why people think that is okay to do to anyone. No, yeah, you should not be touching anyone without their permission. Or making assumptions. And also, you're at work. It's kind of like. Yeah. It's an old-fashioned thing, too, that I think older generations will talk about people's bodies in a way that we're just like, that's just so not what people do anymore. They don't understand it. And they don't get it. They don't. They do not. They do not. They do not. I think they think they're giving a. Not in this case, but I think older generations sometimes think they're giving a compliment. Yeah. When it's like, you should not be saying that. Yeah. But they actually do not. They do not understand it. It's been unchecked for years. Right. Of them saying this. But do we know how old. They don't say anything. I don't even think we get that. We're just assuming. I don't think we get anything about this coworker who says all this stuff. Do we get. The whole thing is kind of weird. Yeah. Especially the bird. Especially the Fiesta-themed event. I thought that was weird. Yeah. What do they have for food for the Fiesta-themed event? They don't even give the gender, the age, or anything of the coworker. The coworker is completely. See, we need that. And it is true, because like. Yeah, we need to know if they are over 70. Kind of. It's still not okay, but it gives a little bit of understanding. It's never okay. Correct and correct. Yeah. OP left a comment about the coworker. Okay. So we get some more feedback. context. I am starting to think, in fact, that she is obsessed with me being pregnant. She is always making comments about me getting pregnant, even though I have told her I am not interested in that, nor is my husband. He even got a vasectomy because we don't want kids. She got pregnant old, so she thinks I'm going to change my mind. Most of the time, she's a very sweet lady, but this one thing is driving me crazy. Also, even though we are in Texas, she is from Latin America, and I know it is a cultural thing, too. Yeah. First of all, regardless of any of that, if someone has made it clear, I'm not pregnant, I don't want to get pregnant, my husband got the fucking hysterectomy, give it up, lady. It's not even your daughter. Let it go. Enjoy the fiesta. Watch the birds. Stop doing this. I feel like we've read stories, too, where it's exhausting. I feel like women deal with this a lot, where they're like, no, this is a decision I've made, and people go, you're going to change your mind. It's like, hey, fuck you, man. Do you know what I can't handle? I think early on, a couple people were like, well, I don't know, you won't fully experience what it's like to be a woman. I've heard that, too. I've heard that so much. There's a magic you're never going to touch without. And I'm like, first of all, that is not up to you to decide, what type of magic I'm going to touch. Maybe I jump off a fucking cliff with a parachute, and that's magic. There you go. You know, that worked, right? Yeah. It's my first time back. You're getting there. You're killing it. I'm going to land this plane. You're absolutely crushing it. I'm going to land it, and it's happening. These are all Mission Impossible references, and they're dope. Yeah, and they're dope. I watched all the Mission Impossible things. Hey. And you know what was more magical? There you go. Mission Impossible or having a kid. You know, it's hard to gauge. It's just such a dated. It's also just, like, it's problematic, too, to just assume all women could have babies. It's problematic to make it their identity that. I mean, come on. It's like, we learned that, like, what? In 2002. What's going on? No, literally, not. I talk about this a lot on Reddit, is we really need to understand that, like, when you look at a woman, don't immediately think that she can have a child. But we're on Reddit. What do you mean? I was just making a joke about how Reddit's awful to women. Oh, I know. I'm so sorry. You were landing your plan. I was landing my plan, and now we hit some turbulence because there's so many birds up in here. Little bird! Oh, a bird! Little bird is coming out! I take this stuff to the extreme where I will see someone who is, like, definitely pregnant. Like, they are days away from having the baby. And I'll be like, I don't know. I'm not gonna. I'm gonna pretend I don't see it and do not acknowledge it. No, I do the same thing. I do not often go up to someone and go, when's your due date? Not at all. If I'm walking with my son and they are holding their back and walking and they're holding their belly and they're smiling at me, like, I can't wait to get to that point, then I'll smile. I don't even say shit. Then I'll smile and I go, congrats. I even feel a little inappropriate when I comment on someone's new haircut. It's their body. I'm not gonna talk about it. Wait, really? You're not gonna tell my haircut? That was a weird joke. Unless it's bad. Okay, our next story is a confession. Ooh. It was posted in August. I was gonna say, you're safe here, babe. Don't worry, we're not recording this. Okay. I Annie'd my way into being adopted by rich people. What a brilliant title. Yeah. So, I've been thinking about how I was adopted, and I just realized I totally pulled an Annie on my parents. Now, they aren't Mr. Warbucks rich, but they're comfortable. They had taken me in as a foster kid when I was 11, and I really liked them. So, about four months into them fostering me, I wrote them a whole song with choreography about wanting a family. Mind you, this was the work of an 11-year-old, so it wasn't exactly a Disney Channel worthy performance, but it worked. A couple weeks later, they told me they wanted to adopt me, and when I asked them later on why they chose me, they told me it was because my song and dance really touched them. I totally Annie'd them. But hey, at least it worked. I must not be too terrible of a songwriter, after all. Okay, I really love this. I really love this, but I'm so sorry, we just have to stop for a second because she said, because Opie said Mr. Warbucks. It's Daddy Warbucks. I felt the same way. I went, who's Mr. Warbucks? Mr. Warbucks. So, she didn't really Annie them if she didn't know that it was Daddy. Yeah, she's never seen Annie, so how do we know she's. Did you guys know that that actor Daddy Warbucks? Daddy Warbucks? What happened to Daddy? Well, I think he passed on. But he's in Big Fish. He's in so many movies, and I never made the connection. This feels like Smosh Mouth. Amanda, it's great to have you back. Yeah. And we're about to talk about actors. I've been talking to a non- talking child for four months. And we know for a fact you've been talking to him and going, that actor's from something, huh? What's he from, huh? Oh my god. What's he from? Okay, this is really sweet, but I also understand Opie being like, did I like. perform my way into their hearts? But also, naturally, if I. I imagine, I can't imagine being in this space where you're, like, picking a kid. But you see a kid just put their heart out there? Yeah. That's. Like, I don't think they're manipulating those people. They're just really showing who they are by being like, here I am. Yeah. And I don't. I've also never really thought about Annie being, like, a girl boss manipulator. Yeah. She totally was. I thought they were transfixed by her. I didn't think she came out and was like, me. Da-da-da-da. She kinda. No, they were the ones that are like, come into this department store and become a new person, you know? Yeah, but she was funny and cool and had that big dog. But, like, I feel like Annie was the bullied one in the corner, and all the other orphans were like, pick me, pick me. And it's like a. it's like a cute underdog story where Daddy Warbucks picked. You never saw it? I saw it. It's just been a minute since I've seen Annie. Me too. I'm trying to figure out why she was picked, but I don't think she. Carol Burnett, that's all we need to know. That's all we fucking need to know. Carol Burnett in the bath. In the bathtub with the cigarettes. Oh, she's so drunk, and she puts gin in her tub. She does put gin in her tub. I think she takes a tub in gin. Do you think as little kids, you and I watched that movie and didn't focus on Annie, but Carol? I focused on Carol. Yeah. I was, like, obsessed with Carol, because I was, like, a little bit scared of her, but I kinda wanted her as, like, an aunt. Like, I think I. Annie was, like, a perfect little girl, and instead of being like, that's who I should act like, I was like, oh, I should act like that old girl. Carol Burnett. And be like. Carol Burnett. That explains so much about us. Wow. So I don't think she did that. I understand it sounds like she manipulated them by singing and dancing, but I also think that's her showing how much she wanted to be chosen. Yeah. I don't think there's anything bad about that. I mean, my interpretation is this is more like, when asked, like, why'd you adopt me, they were just like, um, I mean. You danced for us. Your dance was so great. I feel like they were already planning on adopting her. Right, right, right. I think they. I think the dance, like, highlights just how much she cared about them. Yeah. And probably just, like, an example of everything, going on. Isn't that such an amazing way to show someone that you love them? I don't know about you, but when my grandparents would come over, my sisters and I would be like, sit down. We would literally be in our nightgowns, which were like. Spit. Which were like essentially, like, little slips, and we would put on a record, and we'd be like, sit down now, don't talk, the show's about to start. And we would dance for, like, a solid hour, and they couldn't move. They were stuck there. And I think when you're a kid, you don't associate dance with any type of, like, persuasiveness. I think it's true joy. Or it's just expression. And you're like, when little kids dance, they're not like, I'm trying to get you to love me. Yeah, but they're like, I love you, and let me show you how much. They're like, look at me spin. I'll show you how much I love you. Get on top of me, sister, and we're gonna flip. That was my life. Comments. Yeah, Annie didn't con. She charmed. Nobody in either scenario was under the impression they were getting something other than a sweet little kid to take care of. You won their hearts. You're all good. Glad you got yourself a loving home. Every child deserves one. 7,000 upvotes. Someone said, I did the same thing, but without realizing it. LOL. I was four years old and just got my first pair of tap shoes from the donation center. When my prospect parents came to visit, I danced for them because I loved my tap shoes. Turns out my soon-to-be mother was a dancer, a jazz dancer. She immediately fell in love with me and my two younger bio sisters. We were all adopted together. Just had our 20-year adoption anniversary. Oh my god. That's the sweetest shit I've ever heard. You know what I'm thinking? Like, it's kind of like when, like, you go pick out a pet, like, from the, like, and you, and they, and, like, a pet like somehow picks you. Yeah. People always talk about that. Yeah. Or it's like something happens. Mm-hmm. But then I'll have to say, if I walked into an orphanage and there was an orphan tapping, I'd be like, I'm kidding, I'm kidding. I'd be like, you're pushing it. Trying a little hard, girl. Hey, look, you're four years old, babe. Pull it back. She's like, slow down. I don't have money. Cigarette in her mouth. Hey, take me back to your mansion. Last comment. Someone said, if an 11-year-old walked into my house today and sang a song about being a part of my family, I would adopt that kid immediately. You didn't con anyone. You were just an amazing kid, and of course they wanted to have you in their family. That's really - That's really sweet. - This is a very special story. - You're pushing it. - I can't believe I said that, we should cut that. No, keep it. If I saw that, I'd be like, something's not right. Someone isn't who they say they are. That's the L.A. in me. I'm like, if someone performs for it, relax. I know, it's so true. What's that one scary movie, Orphan? That movie's so scary. They made a second one. I don't know, they're talking about movies again. Oh, yeah. We'll go on forever. You can't stop us. Just me and Reba. All right, our next story comes from Two Hot Takes. Shout out to our friend Morgan over there at Two Hot Takes. Hi, Morgan. They write, Am I overreacting for being uncomfortable with my dad's new shirt? Okay, this is a 19-year-old girl writes, My dad, 45-year-old man, is weird. In recent years, he's gotten into golfing with some of his camping friends and is starting to get pretty serious about it. Last year, he and his friend bought some Titleist gear and then shortly after that got a hat in the same Titleist font that says, Titties. It's not funny. It's not funny. Yeah. It's obviously not funny. Do you want to get that clean so you're not smiling when you say titties? No, keep it, keep it, keep it. I'm laughing because for the longest time my dad was big into golf, I thought it was titliest. I thought it was titliest. Everyone knows I mispronounce every damn word. I was saying titliest. I know a lot of people listen to this as an audio medium, so I just want everyone to know for the record, when Shane read titties, big smile. Big smile. Hey, look, some words. Hey, look, he likes titties. What can he say? Some words get me. I actually thought this hat was super funny and would steal it all the time. Well, the other day I came home from work and my mom asked me if I've seen dad's new golfing shirt on the table. I hadn't. So I go out there to look and he had gotten a happy Gilmore jersey and a polo shirt that was filled with various sex positions. He had both of these proudly displaying on our dining room table. I was really grossed out. My mom then told me that my little sister, who's 11, had seen the shirt too. Mom asked her if she knew what it was and my sister responded, I probably shouldn't know and walked away. I told her that it was gross, inappropriate, and that it shouldn't have been left out for my sister to see. She responded by telling me that she thinks golfers have a high sex drive and that is funny and just what golfers do. The 11-year-old said that? Yeah. No, the mom. Oh my God. Hey, I'm going to go tap dance over here. You know, it's how these golfers are. Golfers have a high sex drive. Pick me. I'll be outside. So she told her mom that it was gross, inappropriate, and all that and her mom responded by telling me that she thinks golfers have a high sex drive and that is funny and just what golfers do. All of my parents' friends, ages 43 plus, think it is hilarious and are excited for him to wear it. All of my friends, ages 18 to 21, all think that it is inappropriate and isn't something a dad with a little one should proudly wear, especially in a campground full of young kids. My mom says I'm overreacting and that it's not that big of a deal. I know he's a grown adult who can wear literally whatever he wants. He even has a shirt of a stick figure humping the words, fuck your feelings. Well, we know exactly what kind of dad this is. Whoa. But for some reason, this shirt is bothering me and my friends have come up with some creative ideas on how we can ruin it. So really, am I overreacting for this shirt? We have the shirt. If you want to take a look at it, are you fucking kidding? Are you fucking? It doesn't help that the shirt's also stupid looking. Like, it's not a good shirt. What? Oh. It's an ugly shirt. It's also a bad shirt. For the listener at home, it's an ugly fucking shirt. It's an ugly shirt, but I'm so glad we got the zoom in. One of them just looks like they're hugging, so I think that one's fine. Yeah, some of them are just platonic. No, this is inappropriate. What an interesting shirt. From afar, you wouldn't be able to tell, but close up. So there's no official verdict on this. Comments are all over the place, but leaning towards it's definitely a choice. Yeah. It's definitely inappropriate. He has an 11-year-old daughter wearing that. I'm just like, okay, man. Yeah. Gross. I also, like, I don't know. Maybe this is, maybe you cut this, but what is this thing about saying golfers are really. The mom's response of, oh, golfers have a high sex drive and all this stuff, it just. It's just not. Honestly, growing up in church, they would say, boys, you have to, like, make sure you're not wearing. Like, when they were worried about our, like, modesty, and they would be like, modest is hottest, and they'd be, they'd tell us, they'd tell us that men think of sex, like, every second, and that they can't help it, and you have to help them not sexualize you, was always what we were told over and over again. And that's what this kind of reminded me of, is being like, hey, he's allowed to think about it, but he doesn't want to think that way, because he's a golfer. What? Like, I feel like sex drives can be for any gender, any sport playing, whatever. Agree. And that doesn't give you an excuse to be a creep and wear fucking crude things around children. That's so fucked up. And I actually hate that of just, like, oh, men, they all think about sex, so, like, you got to kind of cover up because they can't control themselves. Or someone else's sex drive is your problem. Right. Right, exactly. Like, this dad has a free pass to do whatever he wants, because it's like, yeah, hey, it's just how he is. He's a golfer. Yeah, I'm so sorry he has to wear this shirt, because he has such a high sex drive. And do golfers have high sex drive? What does that even fucking mean? It's the first time I've ever read that. I think they got a boring drive. Eh. Eh. Oh, oh, oh. Oh, eh. Boom. Got him. Love that. Got to get a personality drive. Oh, boom. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. Boom. There it goes. Oh, oh, there, oh, mine's over here. Whoa, whoa, watch out. Whoa, I went like this, and then I went, hey, hey, what? I think you started, I think you started playing baseball there. I'm going to be honest. Hey. Hey. Boom. Ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta. Now we can't cut it. And now our halftime performance. Someone please adopt her. She's up for adoption. Oh, what? This dystopian world. It's crazy. We've created. Singing the national anthem is a girl up for adoption. Her name is Gertrude. Jesus Christ. The Hunger Games. Comments. Just point to a few of the images on the shirt and say, I've tried this position, this one, this one too, and yeah, I want to try this one now. You'll never see the shirt again. Someone said not overreacting. Sure, it's funny in a college frat kind of way. Embarrassing for a father figure with young children. Lastly, someone said, I actually have this shirt. I only wear it very sparingly in very select company and very aware at how cringy and ridiculous it is. I couldn't imagine wearing it around relatives, coworkers, or strangers unless the intent was to make them uncomfortable, and that would make me an asshole. Who's that? Can we reach out to them? Yeah, let's reach out to them. That was a great commenter, because that was brave to be like, I do own this shirt, but here is a responsible person. Yes. Right. I like that. Because I don't think it's like shitty that that shirt exists. Agreed. Yeah. And I don't think you can be like, you're canceled because you wear the shirt. Exactly. But it's also just like. It's just like, you know, that's what the shirt is. It's the context, right? Like, yeah, if you're hanging out with a bunch of friends, you're going to a stupid party where the vibe fits that. It's like, oh, I'm going to wear this ridiculous shirt. Yeah. Or to a fiesta. Fine. Yeah, or a fiesta-themed party. An office little fiesta. Update. Oh, my God. Two months later. Someone burned the shirt. I was going to say she took the shit out of the shirt. They took care of the shirt? She took the shit out of the shirt. He's like, I can't wait to wear it. I have a gopher with a high set. Poop. Oh, no. Oh, no. I've got a poop here and someone goes, I think there's a bird on the way. And her hand puts it right in the poop. Right on the shit. Singing the national anthem. Take me this way. Also, my favorite of that bit was you starting like, I'm a golfer with a high set shirt. Oh. Oh, no. It's me. I'm a golfer with a high set shirt. Oh, poop. There's a bird on. Oh, there's poop. Holy shit. Okay. So, let's see if that happens. Yeah. That's my prediction. Yeah. Small update, but my plan worked. Take your shit out. You should put a little birdie. I would die. All right, birdie. Birdie. So, today my mom and dad went golfing and he wore the shirt. They left before. I was awake, so I had to wait until they got home. And I did exactly what I said I was going to do. I'm sitting on the deck and my dad was walking into the camper, so I got up to talk to him. OP says, hey, I've done those before. Done what? Dad replies. I poke at various spots on his shirt. Dad says, you did not just say that to me. I can't believe you would do that. Get the fuck out of my camper. What's wrong with you? Did you hear what she just said to me? This is his sense of humor, so I wasn't hurt. Just happy that it worked. LOL. Oh, so he was saying like, you did not just say that to me. Get the fuck out of. Like, so he was saying it like humorously. Cool. All right. He then went into the camper and immediately took the shirt off, followed by, there are some truths that I don't need to hear. Later, we're sitting by the fire and he starts telling the story to our friends and starts off with, you want to know what ruined my day today? So, I think it was a success and I don't think he'll be wearing that shirt anytime soon. That's awesome. Should have pooped. I mean, - I think it still worked. - I think that worked as well. well but but yeah no that definitely worked but come on i like in your version he gets the shirt on entirely he's getting it off the hanger in your version with a piece of poop on it well he only sees he he's he's in a rush okay because golfers have to get there and he has a high sex drive he has a super high sex drive so he doesn't flip the shirt around so he only grabs it from behind and then he puts it on and he goes oh he didn't recognize the poop i know this guy yeah you know we all know this guy i know this guy our next story oh wow uh this comes from summer june of 2025 this comes from the subreddit wedding shame title reads wedding date changed last minute to a weekday in another state we have 10 photos that i'm going to read through these are all email exchanges oh i love from the people having the wedding subject line bold all caps important three exclamation marks date change hi everyone we want to make you aware of a critically important update the ceremony date is now june 27th and the location has changed please note this down carefully we have decided we want to have a church ceremony in addition to our planned beach ceremony and reception the officiant of our choice does not do weddings at locations outside of his church having a church ceremony is very important to us morally and ethically we are canceling the beach ceremony to spare redundancies there will still be a reception on the beach the ceremony will now be friday june 27th at 2 p.m at blank oregon the reception will be the following day at blank in port angeles washington it It continues on bridesmaids we kindly ask you wear this yellow dress for the 27th still reserve the gray dress you already purchased to wear on the 28th after viewing the interior of the church gray just would not work thanks Uh they misspelled groomsmen they said they said gruisman Nailed it they're in a rush Yellow ties on their shirt Yellow ties will be provided for you on the day of the ceremony If you have any concerns go ahead and reach out to our super girly wedding planner. Thanks Three k's four s's and that thanks can't wait to celebrate with you heart. So there's a message responding to that From a bridesmaid coming from halfway across the country, also a relative of the groom. Am I understanding the above message correctly to mean your wedding ceremony is now on a weekday during the day? If so, I have to admit I am pretty surprised and disappointed. My family booked tickets months in advance to travel to Washington and the church appears to be several hours away, necessitating another hotel stay. Between that and the unexpected day off work, we can't afford this extra day. I was not participating for the party aspect so much as the special memory of seeing you and blank get married and be a part of that milestone. If I am misunderstanding something or if there is another ceremony that will be happening on the 28th, I apologize for the confusion, but please let me know ASAP. Oh boy. Someone else responded being like, let's reply all. That's when you know something's fucked. Oh, the bride responds to that saying, let's be respectful and take this offline, please. Ladies, friendly reminder, contact blank directly with any concerns so as to not spam everyone's inbox. Kthx. Whoa. Kthx in this time is crazy. K-T-H-X. Kthx. Kthx has always been kind of crazy. There's one thing, pretty rough. K is just not a cool thing to say. Kthx on email is insane. Yeah. Another email from the bride, another big one. Reply all. All in bold. Subject line, bold. Quick updates and reminders. Hi, everyone. Oh no. Lot of I's in these I's. We are so excited to have you as members of our wedding party. Thank you to those of you who actually care and stuck with us. This is good. This is fucking awesome. A few quick notes, to do's and FYI's. General, we will no longer be using a wedding planner. The girly? The girly. The girly. What was her name? Wedding girly? Yeah. Wedding girly planner something. Blank and I are just too quirky to fit into a box. Fuck this. I'm dying. I'm dying. Holy God. Our wedding, you have to cross state lines to go to the reception and I'm too quirky to fit in a box. And just speak to the girly. The girly's like, I'm out. I can't fit into a box. Adopt me. Adopt me. We're doing things our own way. Please do not contact Megan with any more questions. She is no longer involved with the planning of the wedding. Please come early on. So this is an asterisk. These are notes. Please come early on the 28th because we have been unable to secure enough chairs. We won't really need them. We'll be dancing all night. It's just so quirky to fit into a box. It's crazy. If you're in the wedding party, you are not expected to send a gift. Your presence at our special day is gift enough. Heart, heart. As previously stated, we are unable to accommodate any dietary needs or requests. They're quirky. Please bring your own food if you require that. What? You want lunchboxes at your wedding? After careful consideration, we have decided that with the exception of our boys, this wedding will be child free. That does also include the reception. Please plan accordingly. Please get a babysitter in Oregon and also Washington. We'll have special goodie bags for all members of the wedding party available for pickup at the venue. Bunch of smiley faces. Spoiler alert, it includes a plant. So if you're traveling internationally, please plan accordingly. Please back them back. What is happening? This girl's drunk. Oh my God. She's quirky. Bridesmaids, if you are over 5'5", please get these flats instead of the initially requested heels. Because you can't be taller than me. What? Because they can't fit in the church. Very tight church. You can't fit it into a box. You can't because they're quirky. Because the on-ramp from Oregon to Washington is too short with the fridge. And you need flats, girlies. Plan accordingly. Makeup will be $300 per person per day. Per day? This is so funny. You don't need makeup for the party. You don't need special. You don't have to get it if you don't want to on the 28th, but we kindly insist all bridesmaids get it on the 27th if they want to be in any photos. If they want to be pretty. So now can we get all the girls in makeup for the picture and the girls not in makeup? Hey, ugly girls, stay in the back. Hey, ugly girls with the flats, you're in the back. Can we get the tall fox over here and then the fox you don't want to put on cover-up over here? Here. And we're going to take a picture in the yellow. Corky girls. For reception day, we'll be getting ready starting at 6.45 a.m. at our Airbnb. For ceremony day, we'll be getting ready at the venue time TBD. If you are not there on the 28th by 7 a.m., you will not be let in to ensure things run on a timely schedule. Nobody wants a repeat of the batch. Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Katie, you were late, so you're an ugly girl and you're in the back. Hey, Katie, remember when you walked in and I was getting a lap dance? It's from a guy that looked really fucking hot and you ruined it because you were ugly and tall? Stay outside! Yeah. You're out, bitch. If she ends this and says, okay, thanks, I'm going to walk out. I'm going to stay. I love the little just like, what happened at the batch. Yeah. There's so much context. Groomsmen. Per tradition, the groom cannot see the bride prior to the ceremony, so unfortunately, there is nowhere for you. All to get ready on the 28th. That has nothing to do with that thing. Why do those things have nothing to do with this? Since you basically just need ties, this is no biggie. Some people were going to get together at blank pub beforehand. Feel free to coordinate amongst yourselves. Someone responds. Actually, this is the bride. The bride sends another message. Oh, please tell me it's in all caps. There's no subject line that I see on this one. I just know it's the bride because the high has four eyes. That could be anybody. A few quick updates and gentle reminders. I'm obsessed with this story. I know. After careful consideration, we have decided there will be no speeches. Oh, I love it. I love it. Especially from people not in makeup. Yeah. Only confirmed Catholic bridesmaids and groomsmen are permitted to stand with us during the ceremony. Not our rules, the church's. Saw we. Caitlin, you un-Catholic whore. Stand in the back. Ugly girl. You weren't confirmed. Now let me get my fucking dance on. Yeah. I can't get over that they. She wrote, sawi, S-O-W-W-Y. Okay, they continue. Some of you have not paid the $25 per plate per person deposit for food, which sets a poor example to the other guests as y'all are the wedding party. We're kindly insisting each member of the wedding party chip in $650 for expenses. I am sorry I have to ask at this point, but it is customary for the wedding party to just offer. To offer $600? With the emoji of this. Wait, to offer $650 for what? Expenses. To be Catholic? I don't know. And remember earlier, no gifts, your presence is the presence. Plus $650. But also $650. Sawi. Sawi. Can you imagine a doctor going, yeah, it's terminal. Yeah. Sawi. Sawi. Should have been Catholic. Sawi. If you don't drink, we gently suggest you seriously consider whether or not you really want to come to the reception. This is meant to be a once in a lifetime celebration, and it only takes one wet blanket to snuff out everyone's fire. This is a personal choice for you to make. It's so quirky. I can't handle it. This is fucking so quirky and out of the box. I can't breathe. So you have to be a certain amount of Catholic to do the ceremony, and then you have to be a certain amount of drunk to do the reception. To do the reception. And you have to be short as fuck to do any of it. And you have to be flat. And if you're a guy? Yeah. Well, man. Who cares? Guys can do whatever they want. Yeah, who cares? Get ready at the pub. Yeah. This is fucking crazy where she's like, if you don't drink, please. Please don't be a wet blanket that snuffs out. I need you guys to at least be funny and dance. Oh my God, I can't. This is honestly, it's honestly sounding like an acting gig. Yeah. Where they're like, be here at this time. Worry about your transportation. It does. You need makeup. Park a mile away. Some guy will pick you up and don't worry about it. Don't have a bad attitude. Yeah. We will offer translation. We will offer translation services for those who need them. Please direct your guests who require such services to sit in the back on the left at both functions. There will be 30 minutes of open bar before the other guests arrive as a thank you to our number one ever wedding party. And then it turns into a cash bar. Holy crap. So they're paying $600 for their open bar. This person is so manipulative because they're saying, we love you. Your presence is enough. We want $650. We're going to open the cash bar for you because we love you. But also, you're not Catholic enough. There is, I can't breathe. Then they write, love you all with two emojis, the like, the like, and then the hands. What's the hands? So like, thank God you're here. Oh, oh, thank God. Well, the bride comments again. Okay, good. Hey, ladies and himbos. Oh, oh, oh. What the fuck is that mean? That's quirky. It can't fit in a box. They can't. Next time I'm disruptive in a video, I'm going to go, I'm so sorry. I'm so quirky. Yeah, don't put me in a box. This next sentence is crazy. Would anyone be interested in helping us get a wedding cake? You'll be shouted out specifically during the ceremony if so. You'll get shouted out on the radio? It has to be dairy free. Thanks. Love you all so much. This ass, I hope she's pranking all of them. No, no. Like, this has got to be. This is outrageous. I want to be just clear because I keep saying, I love this girl. I love this because it's so insane. It's so insane. This person is very problematic. Wait. And very arrogant. Can I ask when these emails are getting sent out to how close it is to the wedding? Do we know? I don't think we know how much in advance, but it's, oh no, it's a week before. Yeah. This is all a week before? Change last, date change last minute. All we just know it's its last minute. A week? But nobody, nobody can do that. Nobody can do it. See, I'm so back at it. Okay, so this was posted on June 5th and the ceremony date is June 27th. So literally like three weeks. I can't. So I don't, I mean, at this point, I don't blame her. She's trying to do a whole wedding in a month. So that's why she needs a committee. And that's her people. And she's asking them to pay. This is crazy. Last message. In all caps, in bold, with periods after every word. Important, read this. If you are no longer participating in our wedding, pulling out just days before, before the ceremony, we totally understand. But please be advised, we won't forget who stood with us or not. Dot, dot, dot, heart. No thank you, no hi. Just heart? Just heart. And it's the like, you know. And it's just like, we will not forget this. We will not forget who stood by us. My favorite, yeah, is someone going, totally, no worries. Worries. But I won't forget. I will remember this forever. Yeah, but totally no worries. Heart. Heart. Totally no worries. I'll hold it against you for the rest of your life. Yeah. I, if I'm, I'm trying to cast her in a movie. I don't even know who I would, like I was thinking like a young Reese Witherspoon, but that doesn't even do it. Ooh, like election vibes. Like someone who looks like a little not well behind the eyes. Yeah. Ooh, yeah. Jennifer Coolidge? Jennifer Coolidge is, I'd be too sweet. She's too sweet. This has to be an absolute demon. Like I, I literally can't even cast it. I think if you want to go funny route, like, like imagine a young Molly Shannon doing this. I like that. Could, could be good. I don't know why I'm thinking someone from Succession. I'm thinking the one that's married to. Oh, this is very Succession coded. The one that, the one that's the brother that wants to be the president. Oh, Connor. And it's the girl who's just like, Connor, what are you, what are you doing? And she's in Nobody Wants This. Yeah, she's so funny. And she's like this. Yeah. I literally. I don't know. This girl and the bubble she must live in. I think about this all the time with like, sometimes like the politicians who are in our country, where sometimes I think, when people are surrounded by so many yes men, they like reach a level, like celebrities have this too, where like they reach a level of like stupidity and like not groundedness, because people are just like never going to call them out on their bullshit. And they're just like around all these people that are just taking it and taking it. So then they think they can do whatever. And then they get to a level of power where they're like, hey, I'm going to ask this of you. And I know it's probably not fine, but I've never been pulled or called out for my actions. And you're like, who, what are you? I mean, it's the husband. What is the husband literally doing? Is anybody going to be like, don't you think that's not fair? Anybody? Yeah. The husband's like, hey, I'm a himbo, right? Like, yeah, I'll just, I'll, I'll wait in the back. Like, yeah, you're right. If she's too tall, she shouldn't stand next to you. Yeah. What is, what's happening? Tell us, Shane. So we have some comments. Each email got worse and worse. Holy shit. I'm exhausted just reading all that. 10,000 upvotes. O.P. responded saying, I almost posted this early on in the emails, but I decided that would be petty and inappropriate. I know weddings are stressful, et cetera. Then it kept going. Someone replied to that saying, how old are these people? It sounds like young drama, but you never know. O.P. responded, 33 and 47. I was going to say it actually sounds older to me. Yeah. And that's not old. It just sounds like clueless. And someone said this makes it even worse. Oh my God. Someone said, planner Megan, I can only imagine what that poor woman went through. Oh. Someone said $300 per person for makeup. Is everyone getting a full new makeup kit as a goodie? A day. Jesus fucking Christ. I mean, weddings do be like that. Like the upcharge when it's just labeled wedding. My friend's planning her wedding right now. And she's like, when you just put like someone, you can get someone's hair and makeup done so easy. But then when you say it's for a wedding, it's like boom, boom. Yeah. So I get it, but it's still insane. Yeah. So much of it is truly the tongue. Like so much of it comes down to the tongue. It's just like, they just expecting it out of everyone. Yeah. And like, and then adding the whole like, and I'll remember this forever. Yeah. We'll remember the ones that stood with us. Yeah. Like this is a girl who I think has never been like told no or something. Because like, why is she assuming all of these things are fine? And then to drop the like no kids. What? Yeah. Dropping the no kids, dropping the like, oh, if you're, if you're sober, fuck off. All these things. Oh my God. All of these things three weeks before. I mean, I, I wouldn't go. There's no way in the world I would go. I would absolutely go. And I wouldn't pay. I'd be like, I'm going to Venmo you. Yes, I got a Venmo. Yes. Yes. I have to Venmo. Yeah. Yeah. See, I think this wedding would be a travesty in, not in like a fun way. I think it would be boring. I think it would, it's going to end up with nobody being there. All the pictures I would fucking derp. I'd be like. Or I'd be like. Yeah. Yeah. I'd wear a big cross and six inch heels. You're dressed as the, the, the nun. I'm the nun. I have the full makeup on. I'm like, hey, girly. Sorry. Last comment says $300 per person for makeup. And as a sober person, that comment on wet blankets would be enough to cut contact completely. It is so entirely inappropriate for so many different reasons, but just plain disrespectful. Opie responded, couldn't agree more. My partner is in recovery. And I asked if we just shouldn't go on the basis of that offensive comment. But she said she won't let them determine if she gets to see the shit storm or not. Oh, so she wants to do what you're doing. I'm like, send Bravo. This is good shit. Yeah. This is good shit. Oh my God. I sometimes like when I see certain reality shows, I'm like, these people can't be real, like bride zillas and stuff like that. But it's like, no, these, this exists. Is there a picture from the wedding or? There's nothing. And I feel like bad. She's got a bunch of friends that are probably so scared of her and that are just going to do this. They're just saying yes and those are the ones who are standing by her. Yes. I was going to say once you get to this point where you've manipulated and like fucked up everyone around you nobody's ever going to level with you. Yeah. No one's going to be honest with this person. They're just going to cut contact. She's going to end up alone. That's so true. And where are you getting the dairy-free cake if you're flying in, you know? And how are you going to get your plant? Who's going to take all the plants? Are they just going to die at the venue or the church takes them? Also the like extreme hold of religiosity feels like the reason why they're doing the state lines thing which is like oh we have to be at this church because this officiant means a lot to us so we're doing it here. But then we also want this. And it feels like really like we need to be super religious but then also you need to get super fucking drunk with us. Yeah, yeah. You're so right. There's just like two worlds going on. It's also weird what they have planned and what they don't where they're like yeah we've got these plants that we have as gifts that we're going to give people. We don't have a cake. Yeah. Don't have that shit figured. And are you putting the plants in a bag? Because the soil's going to spill everywhere. Literally. And she's like please plan accordingly to take your plants home. Help us plan accordingly for the cake. She also keeps using dialogue that makes her feel like she's a professional. She's like please plan accordingly. Like responsibility. Totally okay. Like it's just like you are not a professional. She goes don't worry there will be a trims. Translator. Yeah. But I need help getting a cake. Yeah. Like what? The translator. They don't want the woman with like a translator microphone. There's like literally too many things to think about. I can't. I'm overwhelmed. It's like I mean Shane is just yawned. He's almost asleep. I'm going to die. She's exhausting. This woman's exhausting. There's no more. Oh update she's dead. Yeah. That's it. Hey girlies. Here's our honeymoon fund because you mean so much to us. You should think about giving money. Yeah. Please. I'm thinking now about like the next like very professional email I have to send. Kthinks. Like writing it all out and very professional, very respectful at the very end I write Kthinks. Kthinks. As one word. Smiley face. Kthinks. And now it's time for our final story. This post was on the 10th dentist and ended up on am I the devil? Oh. Oh. The 10th dentist is someone who sincerely or professionally disagrees with the broad majority of people. So it's in reference to you know how 9 out of 10 dentists recommend this. Oh I get it. Who's the 10th dentist? So this is a subreddit all for kind of unpopular opinions going against the grain. I need everyone in this room to promise me that they're not going to judge me for what I have to read right now. I will not make that promise. I think this job's getting to him. Just kidding. It's fine. It's about to. As a straight man, vaginas are badly optimized interfaces and I would prefer them evolutionarily eradicated. Let me read that again. I'm a straight man. I love women. I'm not closeted. I'm not trolling. I'm just done pretending that vaginas are these sacred, sexy temples of divine femininity. They're not. They're a mess, both in design and function. If evolution had any sense of symmetry, women would have ended up with penises and the world would be better for it. Aesthetically speaking, vaginas are chaos incarnate. They make hardly any sense. There's no standard layout, no symmetry, no visual logic. Folds on folds, lips of random lengths, hidden bits, and inconsistent shapes. I'm so sorry. Can you go back? Repeat all of that? I almost want you to start over. I really think you have to go slow. You have to go really slow. For this to get past my emotional part of my brain to the logical part is going to take a while. I'll take it back a little bit. For a bit. And this isn't your fault. Compare that to the penis. Sleek, functional, symmetrical. Whether flaccid or hard, it has a cohesive structure. Vaginas look like they're trying to be secretive. The clitoris is great, so why is it buried? You didn't have to do this. I didn't mean to do that. The main engine of female pleasure, which is the clitoris, is basically buried treasure with mapped prerequisites and terms slash conditions, wall of text you have to read and agree. You need to spread folds, shift skin, and sometimes ask for directions. If women had small penises instead, like literally just the clit externalized, it'd make so much more sense. Easy to find, easy to stimulate, easy to please. No more pretending like we all instinctively know the move. Looking at you, Helen. The fuck is Helen? Who the fuck is Helen? Who is Helen and what happened on the bat? It would make mutual There's poop on my shirt. You have to keep going. It would make mutual pleasure so much more straightforward and honest. This is so gay. This is the gayest thing I've ever read. I don't know if I'm allowed to say that, but that's. Go, keep going. If a woman. Oh my god. If a woman wants sex with me, cool, but I should not be needing a PhD in female anatomy to deliver whatever she expects me to deliver. Then, speaking of health, vaginas are a high maintenance liability. I don't know why cats keep pretending like the vagina is low effort. It's an internal organ exposed to the outside world. Constant discharge, blood once a month, pH balance issues, yeast infections, bacterial vaginosis, UTIs from having sex too rough, or wiping the wrong direction. It's like maintaining a biohazard you can't even fully see. I just wash penis with soap. Done. I'm just going to be standing up a little bit. And I'm not doing it performatively, I swear to god. If women had external genitalia like men, half of the medical aisle would be obsolete. Vaggies are the reason sex is less satisfying than it should be. As a straight man, I want to love vaginal sex, but it's unpredictable. Sometimes it's too tight. Sometimes there's no sensation. Sometimes the angle is wrong and it just hurts her. Meanwhile, if both partners had penises, you get clear stimulation, shared mechanics, and direct communication. Sex would be more mutual instead of this asymmetrical guessing game where one person is always hoping they did enough. Society would function differently and better at that because a lot of toxic gender dynamics come from the invisibility of female desire. If women had visible arousal like a literal bulge when turned on, people might actually take their sexuality seriously. No more she's playing hard to get games. No more stigma around women initiating. If she's hard, she's horny. Simple, equal, transparent. That alone could kill half of patriarchy's sexual double standards. Why shame? Women's clothes are designed around hiding a secret. Pads, tampons, party liners. Pads. Fiesta liners. Fiesta liners. Pads, tampons, panty liners are what it's called. They are all shame silence. Oh my god! I just walk without having to pretend I'm shy of my anatomy. Imagine if women had external genitalia. Then there'd be no cultural obsession with tightness or virginity. No more locker room myths. Just genital equality out in the open. No more euphemisms. No more taboo. Just body parts. In fact, even porn would benefit. You ever notice how weird vaginas look in porn unless the angle is just right? It's often just some weird fleshy portal and the camera's trying to find a way to make it look like anything other than what it is. So small feminine phallus would solve that. My final thought is I am not saying we scrap vaginas tomorrow. Oh, good. Just like next month. Yeah. I'm saying if you remove emotion, social programming, and 200,000 years of conditioning, the vagina is a badly optimized interface. High maintenance, hard to navigate, and visually chaotic. The penis, despite its own disadvantages, is a superior design. And if women had it streamlined, sensitive, and functional, the world would be simpler. Sex would be clearer, and culture would be more honest. Culture would be more honest. This isn't about being gay, insecure, or on to some shit. It's about seeing past the worship and calling out a flied design when I see one. The top comment says what? Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. - Yes, yes, yes, thank you. Thank you, thank you. - To be clear, to be clear, posting on Reddit, fully optional. You don't have to do it. - You do not. - You don't have to post on it. This guy wrote all of this by choice. - So I just need a big clip. - You need a big clip. - That's it? - And my interface will be-- - And culture will be more honest. - He's saying you need a penis. - So I just need a penis. - He's saying everyone who has a vagina needs a penis instead. - So my interface will be more-- - Honest. - Honest. - Symmetrical and streamlined and clear. - And I don't wanna hold a secret anymore. - You're full of shame and secrets and we're not being honest as culture. - You're full of shame and secrets. You need something that's-- - With vaginas. - Yeah. - Hey. - I'm-- - Hey. - I'm like-- - Hey, that blanket has been a lot of places. - I don't-- - Listen. - I like how this guy's talking about male genitalia like as symmetrical as if a ball sack is a perfect sphere. I'm laughing at that concept. - Ben, hello. - We've all seen this. - Are you fucking out of your mind? - Bitch. - There she goes. - Please. Balls are like fucking scrunchy and old looking and a dick looks like this sometimes. - I actually like-- - Or this. - I don't even over it again. - Or this. - We almost have to go bit by bit because-- - Bits by bits. - There's too much, I literally don't even want to say it. - Let's go bits by bits. What's your favorite part of this? - Hey buddy, what do you think? - Hey, tell me what you think. - What do you think, man? - Hey, step up. - Where's your secret? - Step up. - Step up. You know what, as a man, it's time for me to step up. - Yeah. - This is the craziest shit I've ever heard in my fucking life. - This is, I'm actually, this, I'm having fun. - Oh. - No, I mean, thank God, if Corky was here, I remember last time when I put my-- - There'd be a Looney Tunes style, like-- - Literally. - Still a lot of her in the wall. - The last time I put this on my head to hide, Courtney, was literally just hitting the wall. - Yeah. - We would've, this is-- - Should I break the wall? - You can. - With my big penis? - With your big penis. - Big penis first. - I wish you could break the wall, but you're not productive 'cause you have a vagina. - No, I know, I didn't just have a son and then feed him. - Literally? Thank you. So what should we talk about first? The fact that he thinks vaginas are really hard to capture in porn, like balls aren't. - That one really got me 'cause I started being like, huh. - Me too, I went, are they hard to capture? - Can we go back to no more pretending like we all instinctively know the move, looking at you, Helen. - Yes, yes, please, I'd love to know who Helen is. - I think Helen might be at the heart of this whole-- - I think Helen did a real big boo-boo with him. - Yeah. - Because he must be so disheartened by the mystery of trying to make Helen cum. - He probably never found her hidden secret. - And she probably gave him shit for it. - I think he's really, he's clearly not doing so well. - No. - And he's blaming the interface. - Yeah, he searched through all the folds and the lips and the bits and couldn't find it. - I just love when men like this can think about everything being wrong except them. Like he has to attack every single part of the anatomy of this whole part of a woman-- - Yep. - And not just take up, just be like, maybe I don't like this. - Yep. - It's not me, it has to be them, all of them. Every single person with a vagina, they have to be the problem. - And I can't help but just giggle at this 'cause it's so, I'm just, I'm laughing at this person, I'm just like, oh buddy, oh buddy. - Especially you talking about being like, having a child, like I'm thinking like, this guy doesn't even understand-- - He actually has no idea what our anatomy is about, what it does, what any of the function is. That's why he's so upset 'cause he doesn't understand it. And he's probably never even made someone happy. - Or he's never really imagined like how, gender aside, how magical the human body is, right? - Yes. - Like the fact that like we can cut, we can like have a cut and it naturally heals itself. There's so many parts of us that are just like magical. - Yeah. - And he goes, well, there's one that I think should be fixed. - Yeah. - Because it doesn't look good, so let's get rid of it. - Yeah. - I don't think it's the vagina that doesn't look good. I don't think you like it, bud. - I think, yes. - I don't think it's the end of the world if this person admits you don't like vagina. - Stop attacking an entire gender's anatomy. It's already hard enough to deal with. For him to attack tampons and cramps and all those-- - And party liners. - And party liners, fiesta liners, and be like, oh, these are proof that they're bad. No, these are uphill battles that you don't have to face. - Yes. - And then stand there and be like, you're the problem? That's fucking crazy. - Yeah, so stand up. - So you're just, you're gonna look at me and be like, isn't it, don't you hate that you have all these problems? - And it's like, I am working with what I've got, bro. - I'm like rich coming from you. Oh my God, whoa, whoa. - I can't help but laugh 'cause I wanna be mad, but my brain is broken. - Me too, I'm worried I'm overreacting. But then I have to-- - You're definitely not. The blanket is doing its own thing, though. - Yeah, no, the Reddit was like, no, you're the worst person. - I know, but I feel like I'm already being performative about this and screaming, but I'm like-- - You're actually that mad. - No, this is-- - And you're not even pointing out that he blames most of the toxic gender dynamics in culture writ large are due to the invisibility of female desire. So that's what's actually wrong with everything. - So because the clit is up there? - He's been told no so many times and he literally can't find our little secret. - Because this guy won't fucking just Google how to finger. He's gonna blame it on the vagina? - I love him listing the issues women have, like he fucking knows, like he talks to a woman. - Yeah, yeah. - Like he didn't just Google things that can go wrong with the vagina. - Yeah, also all these things like yeast infection, all that stuff, it's like, yeah, man, guess who's dealing with all of that? Us, like what are you, an interface? But also, maybe those things, I don't know, maybe it's a little bit of a complicated anatomy because it can create children. - Yeah. - And it can go right back in. - Yeah, you know what's cool? Is that we have something that's so magical that you might not fucking understand it. - I'm sorry if it's a little bit of a complicated machine for you. It just kind of gives life to the earth. - Yeah. - I'm so sorry if maybe it bleeds once a month. - Yeah. - You fucking dick. - It's called magic. There's no fucking instructions for it. - Show me the magic balls make, Shane. - Yeah, Shane. - I will not. - What? - God. - Just because balls don't need a napkin once a month doesn't mean they're this fucking superior fucking piece of you. Just because we don't have to go digging to make the dick feel good, it's just there, makes it easier. Oh, so easy is better. That's what this work means. - No, this guy literally, hey listen, okay? Vaginas are a beautiful, beautiful, beautiful thing. If you got a problem with it, leave. - You know what would I feel like? This is what I feel like with this-- - You're out of the wedding. - Get out of the wedding. But make sure you pay before you leave. - You are not Catholic? Go. - 650 bucks to get the fuck out of here. - Pay before you leave. This is kind of reminding me, you know when you have a cousin that fucking annoys the shit out of you? - Yes. - And you and your cousins can talk shit about him, but then somebody else, not in your family, comes in and talks shit about your cousin? - Yeah. - You're like, get the fuck out. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. - Where I'm like, I can talk, with people who have vaginas, I can go to the ends of the Earth and be like, my God, my body wants me dead. - Yeah, exactly. - But then, this fucking little piece of poop on a shirt. - Yes. - With people 69ing on the shirt. - Yes. - Yes, this high sex drive golfer is gonna come in here and talk shit about my vagina? - And I'm like, it is the most gorgeous thing I've ever seen and I've never had an issue with it. Idiot. - Do you have anything? - No, I think you guys summed up all my thoughts pretty well. - I'm sorry you had to read that. - No, it's okay. It's, hey, that's a real guy. - I just wanna blow off steam a little bit. - I would love to read one more comment. - Let's read some more. - 'Cause the only comment we had was, what? - Someone else commented, I have never encountered a sleek penis. 3,000 upvotes. - Yes. - He had a lot of descriptors for penises as well. - Yes, he did. He loves describing. - He really thought they were really awesome. - Penises. - There's no mystery, it's just there. You don't have to go looking for it. - You fucking idiot, piece of poop. - That's a new voice and I love that. - This is me. I don't know how to find a clue 'cause it's a treasure. - He keeps calling it a hidden treasure. - Yeah. - And I'm like, it is. - I don't like any of his descriptors. He speaks like a super villain. Oh, his account's been banned. So he said something, maybe it was banned by this or probably something worse. - Something worse. - He does speak like a villain. You're so right. - Speaks like a super villain. - Well, that's why I've been doing it. The interface is wrong. - I hate when people speak in a intellectually condescending way and then they're not. What they're saying is really, really stupid and not thought through 'cause he's saying, oh, it'd be better if they have a penis. I'm like, but you're saying they should have a penis that can birth a baby. So it would, it doesn't work. - I mean, he doesn't even get as far. - You're not backing up what you're saying. - He's not even getting as far as family planning. He's only talking about sex. - Sex. - And he's only talking about the struggles he's having making a woman happy. - Helen. - Helen. - And maybe Helen or maybe somebody just needs to know, sometimes you don't have to, you do it all. - And Helen, I'm so glad that you got away, I think. - Yeah. - Looking at you, Helen. Okay. I'm sorry, I yelled. No, no, valid. Do not apologize for anything ever again. That was like, I don't think we should clip that at all. Oh, I would love to clip me thinking I could go through the wall with a big penis. I actually would. That would be really funny, though. You should clip that. I just don't want you reading that on the internet. I'm just protective of you. That was just the worst thing I've ever heard. I know. Well, he did read it on the internet. I unfortunately did read that. Yeah. We did have another story, but that one, that guy just went on too long. So we'll save our last story for a different time. Or we went on too long about the tap dancing orphans. Oh, no. Worthwhile. No, that was good. Worthwhile. That was good stuff. Thank you both for this whole episode. Thank you for trucking through that. Glad to have you back. What a journey. And thank you for watching. 2025 has been special. It's been such an incredible year. I know we say it every year, but really, this has been like a huge year for this show in particular. Reddit Stories won a Signal Award, which is very cool. I won two Signal Awards. It was Apple's monthly comedy podcast for November. And we took it on the road. We went to Canada. We went to Chicago. We did many live shows. It's been such a great time. I mean, truly a shout out to Emily. And Bailey for sourcing all of these stories. It's truly wild. Thank you to you guys and to this entire cast. I mean. And to you, Shane. And to you, Shane, for reading all the stories. You're killing it. But also, you have good takes. You have good hot takes. I think I mostly just read. And I just kind of go like, yeah. You have a perfect. I am perfect in everything I say. You have a sleek way of delivering. You have a perfect. But this is truly such a. Such a blast. What a fun show we get to do. And we'll keep on doing it in 2026. So we'll see you then. Bye. But the cake needs to be dairy free. And the clit needs to be hidden. Sorry.