#202 - Grace Kuhlenschmidt

(upbeat music) - Welcome everybody to StarVee's World 9-0-4-800-Stop. All the StarVee's World Highline sponsored by our pals are visible and we'll solve all your problems on the couch returning Grace Cool and Schmidt. Grace, thanks for coming to the new studio. - Absolutely. - You didn't have to come to a story of Queens. - I know, but I'll never forget that when I did do your podcast last time, I was like, wow, you're like really in a place I've never really met people who live. (laughing) You were like, I'm so fucking close to the airport. I was like, that's awesome. I guess whatever makes you happy. - That, listen, I lived there when I was just like, making $1,500 a weekend playing like shitty comedy club. - Totally, totally. - No airport, you know what I mean? No airfare, you know, the shittyest hotel of your life. - You were still very famous to me at that time. I'm sorry that the money wasn't reflecting. - When I found it, I was like fucking great, dude. Anything to get me a LaGuardia. And also to be fair, that was, I've said this before, but Greek people have such a fucking villagers mindset that that's the Greek neighborhood, a story. - Oh, oh. - And I was just like, oh, I guess that's where I belong. - Totally. - It was a one guy who looked like you, and you were like, I'm home. Two old fat Greek people are arguing literally across the street all the time. There was a cross the street, a fat old guy who would just sit on his stoop and just kind of wait for teenagers to try and sit on there. And he would just appear and be like, what the fuck are you doing? Get off, this is not a cafeteria. He would be like, this is not the restaurant, you can't have sandwich here. - Yeah. - And he would just kind of, he would just kind of wait to harass the major. And he would never go upstairs. His wife would fucking pass him shit. They were on the, I swear to God. - No way, with a rope. - With a fucking rope. They had a pulley system. Did you ever see that couple? It was like a fat guy and he had his tits out. - I don't think so. - Yeah, you weren't as observant. - That's a compliment, by the way. - Yeah, it's fucking tits. - He did have his tits out. He was awesome. - He was the kind of old guy I want to be minus passing teenagers. - No, completely. I will say that the pulley system is like the dream. - He was awesome. - I used to, I feel like was that in like movies or something growing up where it was like, that just always seemed so fun to me. - Well, there was the, I believe the dumb waiter, which was sort of like the rich version of that where it was like, I feel like I saw that in Dunston checks in for the first time. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - It was just like, you know, you put something down, you just put something and then it kind of goes down. - Right. - It's basically the fancy version of a rope and pulley. But yes, I think that was, there was a lot of, I think a lot of '90s and kids entertainment was like hijinks. - A hundred percent. - 'Cause it was like, right, but we did not, I did not grow up, you're younger than me obviously, but I grew up right before kids like had access and dream about gadgets and computers and kids. - Oh yeah. - Now I feel like kids are hacking. Like, you know, whatever, we're talking Harry at the spy. Like, our entertainment was like, what if a little girl was a noir detective? You know what I mean? Like, it was like, it was so, it was so like old fashioned and it was like, close to like bugs bunny. - She only had a magnifying glass. - She just had the magnifying glass. I don't really remember that. - I remember like, I did love Harry and Spoky. - In fifth grade and I asked for a spy gear kit. - Hell yeah. - For Christmas. - That's probably Harry's size. - 'Cause I think I saw it in like a bookstore. - True. - I don't know what was, there was, like a laser pointer. - Laser pointer. - And there are so many spy things you can do with that. - Of course, put a shine it into a plus driver's eyes. I believe it was like, there'd always be like some kind of decoding ring or like a, - Yes. - There'd be invisible ink. - That was big. Invisible ink was kind of the pinnacle of technology. - That? - When I was a child. - Was the coolest thing ever. - Yeah, yeah. - It's still, it's still music. - Hope kids are still using that. - They're not. - I haven't checked in on. - Now, you know what they're doing? - They're using the invisible ink function on their frickin' eye message. - Totally. - Can you frickin' believe it? These fucking kids-- - I am miserable. - Don't make me fucking know about real invisible ink. - No. - They're sending pictures of their cocks and tits to each other with the invisible ink function. I mean, what the hell has gotten into them, man? - We just have to draw our-- - He's the-- - He's the draw-titching invisible ink. And then use UV-like jack-off to it. (laughs) Now these frickin' kids are sending tits and cocks to each other with the invisible ink and high definition. I mean, what the hell? - That's what he can't keep jobs. - No, that's why-- - He's too easy for that. - He's too easy to beat off these days. - Uh-huh, uh-huh. - It's really f--, it's really fudged up. - Totally. - Totally. - I feel like I kind of, okay, I'm 31, so I was born in 1995. - Okay. - I'm like, there's only a few years after me that I think are okay. - I think you're the cutoff, actually. - Really? - You said how old you said 91? - 95. Yeah, you're right there, bro. - Yeah. - And you have a youthful spirit. I would have cut you a couple years younger than even 95. - I'm absolutely-- - Thank you, I appreciate that. - So we're like, I do think we're sort of, then this makes sense why you're late. I was like, oh, fuck, she's invisible. I ain't carried this by, but you were right on the A. I feel like I was at the-- - I have a older brother as well, so of course, I inherited some amazing knowledge from-- - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, how much older? - He's like three years. - Okay. - Three and a half maybe? - Perfect, perfect. - Yeah, I mean, learning everything. - You learned a lot. - That is, I always did, I was pissed about being the older sibling, 'cause I had to do shit. I had to be the responsibility. It must be nice. - It got in trouble. - Oh, really? - Awesome. - And then by the time I was doing the same things, I was completely fine. - He had worn them down. - My mom was picking me up from party. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - But he got caught drunk and he'd be truly in his room. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - It's wild. - He put me out of here. - You can't take away my invisible ink. How much was the draw picture of my cock and male? And the girls I'm trying to fuck mom. (laughing) - And my mom would pick me up and be like, "You kinda smell like cigarettes." And I'd be like, "I still thought I had to lie." - Really? - I was like, "You won't believe it, mom." This guy was blowing smoke directly on me all night long. He was taking puffs and blowing it at me. (laughing) - That's so fucking funny. - Yeah, I wonder, I really was scared to admit that I was doing bad stuff. - It was a scary thing. - Yeah. - Even though I was like, I don't know. I really did have a goody tussue streak in me. I wanted the world to make sense. I wanted authority to be smart. And you know what I mean? - Right. - I think I was, as a kid, I was like, "Oh, if I just listen to them." It was really, it's so fucking pathetic. Not pathetic, but it's so cliche. But I was like, somebody who was awesome got brain cancer when I was 15. And I was like, "Oh, the world's bullshit." - Oh, that's the best way to learn that. - This is the only guy who didn't, literally, I'm not exaggerating. The only Greek man I ever met growing up that did not cheat on his wife, God, brain cancer. And now I'm starting to think, hold on a second. - Yeah, you're like, there has to be a second. - Wait a second, wait a second. Do I have to cheat if I want to stay alive? (laughing) - 100%, scientists are scared to go there. No, it's really fucking cool. - Yeah, only if you're Greek. - Only if you're absolutely. That's the thing, certain Mediterranean types of ethnicities, you have to cheat or a lesion forms in your brain that if left unchecked and if you like check it on your children and take a, take, take, take a, oh, I'm worried about my brother. - Right, and Ellis, you're about to have a kid, so just be a bad dad. - True, true. - Here's the thing, eldest won't cheat, but he will just be so oblivious to the needs of his child. - If his job is, if his job is podcast producer is any indication, he will try his hardest and still do a bad job, so he's got to check that out. - He's gonna have, you're gonna have a kid who's gonna be like, my dad, he's a podcast producer. (laughing) - That's tough, I have thought about that. - Sorry, but it's catching stress 'cause he's good at being a podcast producer. - I'm also here. (laughing) - You guys are fucking pathetic. (laughing) - Yeah, man, we're just pieces of shit, dude. (laughing) - Are you this virgin? What the fuck? (laughing) - No, but you know what, at least you don't have to say podcaster. - That's true, it could be worse, that's true. - You really are just right on the edge there. - It could be way, way worse. - It really could. - I mean, my dream is to have my child, become a famous YouTuber by seven. (laughing) I kind of know the ins and outs now to really stream like that from them. - This is so bad. - That'll be my greatest project yet. - What kind of YouTube vibe or are you feeling for him? - Yeah, I think, or her. - I think we don't know. - We don't know. - Them? - Well, let's not get crazy. (laughing) - That's not a lie. - That's not a lie, household. - That's a lie. - Not an Albanian household. (laughing) - Leah, Albanians, they'll be, they can be trans, but you gotta choose. That's really, that's really their stance. It's like, look, we're open to the spectrum, but no wishy-washy bullshit. - Oh, I'm gonna pretend. - Pick one. You can switch it, but you gotta pick. (laughing) - Yeah, what would you, like a Mr. Beast type? I feel, you would love to be Mr. Beast Dad. - That would be awesome. (laughing) To have a kid who knows that people will watch them sitting in front of a camera and counting to a million, I would love that. - That would do something for you. You would be happy about that. - If they got views, if not, I'd be at the point. - Yeah, if they just did it 'cause they loved it. - If we're under 100 views, we're really scared. - Yeah. - I'm like, look, you have a few months of trying to build your views up, but if this isn't catching on, you gotta pivot. Maybe we gotta look at some family stuff. Maybe you need to get a little better and we get some Rizzler kind of. - There we go, that's smart. - And then, you know, the emergency pool is, you know, we gotta start dancing. (laughing) We get the whole family from the camera. - Yeah, we gotta learn some tips. - Yeah, it's a good Costco. Elders, what Elders is gonna do, he's gonna try with his child. The kid's gonna be like, I would rather not, I live this kind of pathetic lifestyle like you. And then he's gonna cast a fake family and build a set somewhere on, in this studio. - In this studio. - And he won't tell me about it. He will come at 1 a.m. when I'm not here. And he will secretly be filming fake lifestyle family content with sets on a green screen, with like a fat little girl and like a bunch and stuff. - I'd love to see that, because the ethical question of like, should you be posting your kids online and should you be making? - Totally. - Like, no, how about we cast, we, we-- - Well, we cast children that are already fun. - Look, if you're a child actor, you're fucked anyway. All right, so let's save our beautiful regular children, have nice lives. We're sort of just sacrified. We, it's kind of, it is essentially the Hunger Games if you think about it. - Right. - Child stars, is we decide, we pick like 10 kids. We decide they're gonna be drug addicts and die. - Or if they're gonna be like, okay. - Well, no, no, they're, they're gonna be drug addicts and die. It doesn't turn out good. - Now, Hillary Duff is on tour right now. - Hillary Duff actually-- - Answer me that. - You know what, Hillary Duff is the, she, she's clearly so much stronger than what we could throw at them. - She might be so type A, the drugs and alcohol couldn't even like penetrate her. - She, yeah, she's so, she's like so type A, she's talented, she's hot. - Hold on. - She's, I mean, she's looking insanely good these days. - Mm-hmm. - And-- - She really is. - Here's what she survived. She's still married to a guy from Good Charlotte. - Yeah. - The band guy. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. - I believe, and I'm pretty sure-- - I'm pretty sure. - Are they still married? Did one of the guys date somebody in a fucked-up situation? The good, yeah, God forbid-- - She's in the position. - Hell, this band is literally producing and googling. God forbid you fucking open up. - I know, Hillary Duff is with a musician because the musician follows me on it. - Oh, wow. - And I think I followed him back 'cause I was like-- - You had a respect. - You had a respect. - I had a respect for Hillary. - Absolutely. - Sometimes you have to do this. - Saw the Lizzie McGuire movie in theaters, actually. - Whoa, that must have been fucking awesome. - It was like seeing The Beatles live. (laughing) - I went to my little cousin's birthday party when I was like-- - Oh, really? Honestly, you just can't even come back. - No, no, no. And I remember, I think I'm at the same age as her literally. - Really? - I think she's 30-sick. - You did a very similar-- - We're fair, people. Everywhere I go, people are like-- - Are you like-- - Are you like related to Hillary Dove? Like, I see it in the face. - The bone-shock roast stuff, right? - The bone-shock roast stuff. (laughing) - Yeah, they changed it to Halky's at Ellis Island, but the traditional Greek name is Dove. (laughing) Yes, Ben, what do we have? - She's age 38. - Beautiful. - She was not married to the musician you mentioned. She was actually married to a hockey player. - Who the fuck was married to Good Charlotte? - No, it's somebody else, too. - Oh, is it-- - And somebody in a fucked-up way, like it was a type of a group-- - Ash. - No, it's Nicole Richie. - Yes! - Okay, there we go. - Yeah. - Yeah. - They need the Google for that one. (laughing) - That foreign stuff is on here. - We're big, Richie fans here. - Okay, but she's married to a musician now. - She is, yes. - Fuck, I thought. - Never heard of the guy's name is Matt Coma. - Totally, he follows me on Instagram. - So he obviously has a great head on it. - Well, fuck, yeah. - I was kind of hoping she was divorced. Like, I had peace together this whole-- - This on-cast clip would go viral, go straight to her. - No, no, not this. I was hoping she wasn't gonna see this. 'Cause that would have ruined the whole plan. But I was just kind of hoping, like, look, I mean, things are going well for me right now. - Totally. - I'm in range to be a beautiful woman's second husband. She's already done the hockey player, the musician. She's out of that. She wants a nice fat guy to help raise her children, and I've honestly settled, I'm so, it's so clear my destiny has stepped at. - Right. - It's one of the, when I realized that, I was like, oh my God, obviously, I was meant to be a fucking step back. - Yeah, I mean, like, you-- - That's so clearly what I am. - You ooze it. - Yes, and I, and like, I had a great childhood. - Totally. - But just hearing you say that, I'm like, pissed you weren't my step back. - Wouldn't it be, wouldn't you be kind of, you would hate me at first? - Oh, but-- - But after a couple weekends. - That's the thing. - Wait, and I'm not gonna-- - It's so brief. - Did you get on you? Hey, we're grilling burgers out here. - I know. - And we're watching fucking-- - My favorite food. - Yeah. - We're grilling burgers. We're fucking doing cannon balls in the pool. You can come, you cannot come. But you don't even have to talk to me. I just want you to have a good time. - You know, step kids are going back, and they're like, I've never seen a bigger splash for a cannon ball. - Oh, this guy is fucking a little kid. - Love a big ass cannon ball. So if I catch you young enough, now look. If I got somebody around 14, 15, that's tough, right? - Yeah, I kind of want you in there at seven. - Seven, yeah. - Because then we're cruising. Then you trust me by your teenage years. - Right, right, right. - And then I'm like, look, your mom's a little uptight. - Totally. - She's smoke a little weed. It's not the end of the road. - Exactly. - All me. - Right. - I won't snitch. - Exactly. - So I was kind of thinking, all right, do I deserve, in any way do I deserve to be married to Hillary Duff? No. But if enough, if she's divorced, right? Had a bad experience with pretty boys, right? They broke her harsh, right? - She needs a pretty herb, right? - She needs an even prettier boy. (laughing) She need, you know, like, and maybe perhaps she, you know, she catches the movie Tony that was, you know, and she's like, there's something charming about that guy. - And then I happen to be at, you know, some kind of, I'm at these heavy hitter celebrity events now. Things sponsored by-- - Things are really looking good for you. - Things sponsored by Creamy, for example. - Or Halo top, the Ninja Creamy. - The Ninja Creamy. - Let's say-- - Let's say I'm at a Ninja Creamy event. - I don't know if you, if that's like-- - Hold on, hold on. (laughing) Let's say, and I'm whipping up. - There's like my like the golden bow. - Well, yeah, yeah, obviously. We get there too, but I'm saying at the Creamy event, I'm the bell of the ball. I'm the most famous guy at the Ninja Creamy activation, right? And yes, are they eyeing me for a sponsorship? Q4, yes. So I'm like, this guy's fucking pervert, right, right, right, right. So I'm there on business. And then I whip up one of the fucking most delicious, high-protein, low-calorie desserts. And who do I see is I'm like, and I'm handing it out. And then, and I put 'em out in a little cup, 'cause look, I like to serve, I like to. I'm like, you gotta try this, right? - Right. - And I'm showing the execs, look how good I am at this fucking program. - Oh, yeah. - And then somebody's like, what's that? That looks good. - Right. - I'm like, oh, I don't even see who it is. I have a generous spirit. I'll say, take it, I'm done with it. I've had a couple spoonfuls for show. - Yeah. - I want you, I hear an angelic voice. - It's a client. - She take, I don't even know, I hear, I turn around. Who is it? It's Hillary Duff. - She goes, this can't be high-protein. - I wrote the low-calorie. - It's too good. - It's too fucking good. - It wasn't made by an amazing chef. - Who is, who in his spirit would be an excellent stepfather for my Ram Bunches young pre-teams. - I've seen in a movie about a chef. Because the recipe is so flexible. - And this is years later. So I haven't done anything else. I'm still talking about Tony. - Tony, you didn't realize. (laughing) - So anyway, that, I guess that's out, but so I'm gonna be in a bad mood. The rest of this fucking place. - Totally, totally. - Anyway, what do you want to fucking talk about, dude? - Because, you know, I watched Nirvana, the band, the show, the movie, the other day. - Yes. - And I'm very serious. I think it was one of my favorite movies I have ever heard. - It's incredible. I'm mad. - I was truly like, my eyes were teary at moments. I was like so delighted by it. - Yeah, yeah. No, it's so fucking good. I mean, have you seen the show? - No, I haven't. - It's coming to Hulu, I think. So you check it out. Just plug in, shit, I have nothing to do. Just my friend's show. - No, it's okay. - But check it out. It actually is good. It's fucking awesome. And Matt, Matt's the fucking man. He directed, he directed my special, too. - Oh, really? I didn't know that. - Oh my god. - We had a very, yeah, he's awesome. He's so fucking cool. And the movie's fucking good. He's a good director. You know, he is a Canadian piece of shit. There's something there. - Totally part of it. - There is something. - Something off about Canadian. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just the politeness. - No, they really are. - But in a way that's not real. - Did you summon Canada? - We met his polite for the record, but other Canadians, there's something off about them. - Yeah, I know what you mean. - He's odd in his own way. It's not about being Canadian. It's weird for multiple reasons. - Yeah, I can sense that. - Yeah. - But, no, we filmed on Cape Cod, actually. So first time I ever got over there. - That's awesome. I just want to Cape Cod for work recently as well. - Hell yeah. - I was apparently in the worst town in Cape Cod. - You were judging an Oysters eating competition so badly. - I got offered to do something like that and I couldn't, the schedule didn't work out. - Are you serious? - I am available to MC. - Special eating competition, hosting or judging, literary count us in. - Yeah. - Without question. - We're a package deal. - Without question. - Because you're more likely to be offering me. Yeah, it's a both of us. We only work together on it. - I don't watch somebody slurp 40 oysters without cool enchantment. That's on my fucking rider. - How many oysters do you think you can do in one sitting? - Well, two dozen without even thinking about it. - Two to do that. - Without even, it doesn't even, it doesn't even, that, we start counting at 25. - Right. - Right. - So I would say, - Yeah, 25 is one. - 25 is one, as far as I'm concerned. - If you're a fucking pro. - If not, if you're a pussy, then, sure. - Yeah, I guess count them all. - I think I could, yeah, I think Ford doesn't know problem. - Oh my God. - If I needed to. - Yeah, yeah. - If you, you know, if you're tired. - For this hypothetical, you need to. - And like, let's say pure, yeah, to save people, right? [BLANK_AUDIO] - There's a big trap. - Yeah, it's a meteor. - Is it? - I'm thinking more bugs, Blenny, where it's like, people are above a big boiling pot. - Oh my God. - Or a volcano, maybe? - That's freaky. - And there are like a big, fat cage or whatever. And with every oyster I eat. - Big gal. - The rope gets a little closer to the ground. - Oh God. - But if I don't eat them fast enough-- - Anyone else have shows? (laughing) - I like meteor, though, too. But I don't know that I don't know what my oyster eating. I don't know how that can counteract the meteor. - It's like, kind of, what do they say you get from oysters like Mickey horny? - Yes. - Was that whole-- - It's the Aphrodisiac. - Yeah, like the Aphrodisiac kind of like, it illuminates like an aura, that kind of scares the meteor. - Yeah. - The meteor's so-- - It's a little more complex-- - It's psychological. It's like the meteor can sense, 'cause like, we think of these things as having no intelligence. But perhaps it has an ancient intelligence, right? - True. - Perhaps it's a part of an ancient planet that senses sexual vitality. - Absolutely. - And it's coming to Earth to destroy it, 'cause it's like, nobody here fucks that good. - Right. - Every, it's bunch of li-- - It's also like, look, we do this all the time. We did it just the other day with the dinosaurs. - Totally. - It's like, has a bad time. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Exactly, to them, you know-- - They're like, it's been like, third minute. It's like, what the hell, guys? You're not even supposed to be here. And I guess the dinosaurs didn't fuck that good. Which I could see, if your neck is that long-- - No, they're-- - I brought the source first. - There's no flexibility when it comes to the dinosaurs. - And you're top heavy. - Told 'em. - If your neck is that long. - I consider myself top heavy. - I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. - But I've got a little more flex. - Right. - I got a little more center of gravity. - I got a little center of gravity. - Yes. - I just wondered giraffes to how do they fuck? If your neck is that long. - Right. - And you're dick and pussy. You're so far away from your head. - Right. - That's got to be difficult in terms of penetrating. - Also because their bodies are so short. - Right. - But they gotta, what do they call it? Like a-- - Mount. - To me, I'm mount. They gotta mount somehow. - They gotta mount themselves. - It's not really something I'm interested in seeing. (laughing) - If Ben is pulling that up, I don't-- - I wonder, like, do giraffes have to put their neck on a branch while they're getting their back bone-- - Oh my god, crap. - Or do you have to maybe burrow into the ground? - I mean, you know, if I can get a little cramped and have it next, then imagine a giraffes neck. - I like, I love, this is so funny, like how a lesbian grabs up your fingering hand. (laughing) It's not like your bag. You're like, if I get a middle and index finger cramp. (laughing) - I'm really at the gym looking at the little graphics of like what muscle? And I'm like, oh, forearm? I'm a fucking idiot, I'm doing one arm only. - Just fucking do it. - Yeah, yeah. - Yeah, yeah. - You got the little wall, I'm not crushing things all the time. - Oh my god, I'll never forget a guy in my middle school who was on the baseball team and had serious anger issues. - Yeah. - And he was constantly-- - Baseball anger is in middle school. - Of course, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's look him up later, but he was doing this as a child. - Yeah, I mean, we're really talking seventh grade, like, it's a bit freaky. - Nothing good is happening there. For a while, I was so fat that I couldn't finger, like my shoulder would start to hurt 'cause my shit would, I had to finger from this angle 'cause my stomach was so protruded so much that it was literally like a-- - Oh my god. - It was like a-- - I'm a set. - Yeah, that was tough. I think it, I think become a finesse player. - But you know what? - The audience is learning there is that you adapt it. - You have to adapt. - You have to, when it comes to sex, - Yeah. - You got a fucking adapt. - Dude, did I possibly cause irreparable damage to my shoulder fingering through that? - Uh-huh. - I think so, yes. - Your shoulder was going in and out every time. - He's like, "Chill, this is weird." - That is crazy. You really were doing it face down, palm down. - I'm trying to think here. No, it was like under whatever, whatever. It was supinated this way, the regular way. - No, totally. - That'd be a fun, like, going freestyle with it. - That's what I was about. - Like a fucking DJ. - DJ style. - But finger, yeah, yeah, no, none of that. So, there's a lot, but you know, I was so at the gym, I was like, how can I? I literally talked to a trainer without trying to admit why. - Right. - I was like, "There ain't way to get my. " - There was a while where I was doing kind of this a lot. - I was um, sliding pizza out of the oven, in a while. (laughing) - I could never find my spatula. (laughing) - And it was a very busy kitchen. (laughing) - We're talking. - There'd be like four minutes. - There's four minutes where I had to, like, get like, a thousand pieces out of the oven for four minutes. (laughing) And then after that, no pieces of the rest of the day. - Yeah, it's done, it's over. - Is there an exercise for that? And they'd be like, no. We really think you should focus on your morbid obesity. - Don't worry, don't worry. I'm pretty much sure there's flexibility. - I swear, I go to a, I've been really in the zone of going to soul psychoclastics the last probably six months. - I love that. - Which has been amazing for cardio, obviously, but doing absolutely nothing when it comes to muscle. - Right, right. - Literally nothing. - Totally. - But anyways, I go to a soul psychoclast. - It doesn't do anything, no cheek firmness, nothing. - Actually, no cheek firmness, you know what I mean? But like, it is just kind of like, the whole time. - Anyway, I go in there, I swear the instructor just at some point spots me and it's like, you're our inspiration for the day. - I love that. - And it's actually not just soul psychoclastics, every workout class, they love to be like, you, what's your name? - Yeah, mid-class, we're doing this for grace everyone. - You're just, you just wanna get a little exercise. - No way. - Like, oh, I got, I can squeeze us in. You have a full day. - They're like, this poor girl, she's moments away from being handicapped for her obesity. Let's give it up for her. - We don't do this today, this girl's as good as dead. She might as well, we either nail our goals today or we start digging Grace's grave right now. That'll be tomorrow's high intensity workout. Is digging dirt and putting Grace's fat corpse in it? Is that what you guys want? - It's true. - And you're like, oh, we don't have to. - It works for others. - I was like, I'm doing push-ups on my knees and they're like, and if you can do it off your knees, do an extra month for Grace over there. (laughing) - It's fucked up. - But I kind of love it 'cause I'm like, you know, they are giving me attention. - You're the mascot. - I'll never say no to it. - Of course, of course. I don't, I will say the gym is the one place where I would like less attention. - That's fair. - I would like to be in the, I would like to, and if it is attention again, this isn't gonna happen, but I would like a girl to be like, nice, like that's the only attention. Like the, ultimately, a girl trying to fuck you breaks through every type of like social, you know, everything. - Is there a better feeling in the world? - Don't care, right? I don't care if like, literally it is a tragedy. - A hundred. - If a girl's just like gives, and it's gotta be purely sexual too, it's gotta be like, you just wanna be you, they just wanna use you as a piece of meat. I will take that, I will accept that energy anywhere. I'll be at a loved one's funeral. - Right. - Oh yeah. - Grandma. - If an assassin about to kill me, then she looks at me, she goes, God, bummer, 'cause you're really pretty. - Yeah. - I'd be like. (laughing) - That is so funny about the, I have a joke on the special where it's like, the, like I've had fat friends who are bullied at the gym, but my experience is worse, people at the gym are so supportive, it hurts my feelings. And that's basically what we're talking about here. Like a woman, a woman legit came up to me. Like, almost, like what I do in the special is what happened. I was just on an elliptical, and a woman comes to me like, don't know her at all. - Yeah. - And it's in Baltimore. And this is before, like I got famous it was specifically in Baltimore. - Right. - She was like, and it always in Baltimore, like did I fucking go to Greek school with this girl? She's somebody's cousin, didn't know her at all. So I'm like, and she's just like, almost in tears. And she's just like, just, just keep going. She was like, she's saying, she's proud of me. It's like, you don't fucking know me. - Are you fucking kidding? - I'm not kidding. And she thought she was being like, nice, but it's like, it's like, I, the fact that I was doing low-impact cardio, moved her to tears. - Completely. You're like, one point two. - I was two, two point five. Classic, two point five, just to get a nice base going. - Oh my God, that's so, what is wrong with her brain? I'm like, I'm scared for her. - I know. I know, it is funny how people see fat people is like, it's like, the only value is if like a fat person decides to stop being fat. - 100% fat. - That's what it's like. - Congratulations. You have now started your application. - Yeah. - No, literally. - It's not, you're not there yet. - Getting ready? - Or you're welcome. - Sorry. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. - We're planning it. Don't make us fat to cancel. 'Cause we're all rooting for you. We're all rooting to start looking at you as an equal. - Crazy, it really is. You know, I actually was almost forced. To spend $120 at Old Navy the other day. - Oh, wow. - Because I was in a bad mood and I was like, I'm gonna go in a shopping sp-- - Yes. - I went into four fucking stupid ass stores. Nothing had anything in my size. I thought, Old Navy got you. - Old Navy got you. - Hovered. - Yeah. - The clothes I got are fucking awesome. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. And someone even commented on my Instagram the other day, where are your pants from? I said, Old Navy bitch, go get 'em. (laughing) - I'm thrilled, I'm trying to be an old Navy. - Believe me? - Oh yeah, you can get there for sure. I was deaf, as a fact guy that likes fun shirts, right, and was broke most of his life. The second old Navy dropped there like summer line. I was in there, and I wore everything within the first seven days. - Wow. - 'Cause it was like, before everybody realizes this is old Navy, I'm gonna-- - This is your type. - People are like, that's a sick shirt. For months from now, every fat, you know, every fat guy who's like, wife shops for that, is wearing my shirt at a barbecue. - Right. - But that first window, being an early old Navy adopters? - Yes. - And also in Brooklyn and in your safe, don't you think? - Holy apps, doing shows. - It's the suburbs where you got there. - Yes, doing spots in Manhattan. It was like, people were like, hmm, what's that? - No, yeah. I was in old Navy pants at a vintage store in Williamsburg, and the owner said, where are your pants from? I'm so serious, the owner. And there were two other girls in there, and I was like, you guys wanna guess where they're from, and then I said, old Navy, and the girls didn't react, and I was like, what a fucking bummer. - Okay. - But they were British. They'd never heard of old Navy. - Oh. - So, fuck that. - But I was really ready to bring the house down. - I mean, did anybody, did the owner-- - The owner was like, fucking crazy. - Yeah, she was like, get out. - Oh, he was a gay guy. - Oh, gay guy, okay, okay, he was like, get out. - Right. - That's two strikes. He was like, all right. - Well, I was already buying something, so he couldn't kick me out of the house. - Gotcha, gotcha, gotcha, gotcha, gotcha. He was like, all right, take your tarp and leave. (all laughing) - Yeah, the funniest is gay guy. I mean, truly, the most you'll get decimated for bodies is gay. - I never feel fatter than when I'm around gay men. Because they will call, I'll be in a room with a gay with men, and I swear, they will call themselves fat. - Right. - 500 times. - Seeing rights through me. - Yeah. (all laughing) - Is there a ghost in here? - It's so weird. - You're a friendly presence. - So, I don't really talk about the skinniest man I've ever seen in my life. - Of course, of course, of course. - It's so weird, but you know, gay men, they have a disease. - They really do. - So we have to, you know, we just have to be like, yeah. I guess it is flipped to, of like, 'cause like when you remove the any potential desire, 'cause obviously there's some gay guys who go wild for a fat guy, but the ones who don't really, really, really. I'm like, oh, this is what women talk about. - Completely. - When they say the male gays. - Yes. - And it's like, like I remember working out it. I was just, I was in LA, and I just happened to get a hotel in like West Hollywood. And I was like, oh, let me go to a gym. And it was truly like, I mean, being seen through is not enough. Like when I asked, like, hey, felt like I noticed, you guys have been on one machine for fucking, you know, 40 minutes. - Right. - And like, and I was kind of approaching it for, I'm just in straight workout mode. - Yeah, of course. - Which is a little like, it has its roots in like, just violence, you know what I mean? It has its roots in like, in like, football, like, in the locker room. And it's like, if someone's a dick to you and your program to just kind of be mean. - Right. - And so I'm going into this interaction, be like, all right, man, just chill. Don't accidentally seem homophobic. - 'Cause these guys are being rude to you. - Hey fat. - Foulos. (laughing) Hey, Foulos. (laughing) - Foulos. Foulos. Over here. - How long have you guys on that fucking leg press machine? And I was like, just fucking be a chill. And at some point I was like, look, you're a guest in this gay gym, right? - Yeah, that's fair. - So I'm prepping myself to not be. - Right. - And you're not supposed to be there as a cultural role. - Totally, totally, totally. And the idea that I would have been able to like, affect these men emotionally in any way is hilarious. 'Cause they looked at me like, it was like, like if a baby asked to like, put on a shoulder pad, his helmet and like, be an NFL game. They were like, it was so dismissive. It was like, I was like, oh my god, these guys fucking owned me so hard. They, in one look, they made it clear. - That ain't one of the meanest things I can ever imagine. - They made it clear they don't care about me at all. Don't care if I live or die. - Oh my god. - Think I'm disgusting, right? They are, they are, they make it clear that they feel they're being kind by not verbally speaking to me. Because if they did, it would be so devastating to my very existence. I would have to go home and cry. And it was like, I was like, man these guys fucking got my ass. I was like, I was like, and they didn't say anything. I was like, I was like, oh, so you guys are still on and they're like, like literally like the meanest mimes in the world, and they're jacked by the way. And by the way, these guys are fucking ripped. - Right. - It's like I could beat the fuck out. - No, yeah. - You realize like this is how like when people encountered different people and they're like, oh, I'm just gonna be violent because they made me feel bad. I couldn't even, I'm not that I ever would. - No, totally. - You're like, I'm without a weapon. I'm fucked. - Yeah, it's like, I was like, should I get a gun? (laughing) The first time I thought about having a firearm or maybe a small blade. - You saw a jacked gay guy and he was mean to me. - Who was so mean and so effortlessly mean to me. - Yes. - So, he didn't break us. It was like in the rhythm of his conversation, they were talking to each other, but they would not address me verbally. And I was like, sounds good boys. I'm gonna go just. - I wanna see the security footage. - I know, the fucking blink in West Hollywood. It's crazy what, like, you know, like, it's, there are people in this world where it's, and we'll put gay guys aside for a sec. - Let's put it aside. - We'll put it aside. We'll put it aside. - But just people in general where it's like, I really can't imagine like, of course, I've had moments in my life where I've like been mean, but I've probably always felt bad about it after. - Totally, totally. - And there are people where it's like, it's just fucking in them. It comes right out. - Absolutely. - It's crazy, I can't imagine. - But probably it's like from growing up fat. It's like, you can't even really be that. - It's not that, it's not fat. 'Cause fat people, I would say, they grew up fat. Like, when they try and be mean, it just doesn't work. - Right. - 'Cause they just, at the end of their, 'cause the fat people that lose weight and want to be mean. - Yeah. - They have such a corrupt spirit. - Yeah, and you can see it in their eyes. - And you can see they don't believe that they deserve to be mean. - They're weak, right. - They think they're trying on being mean, 'cause they're like, what if I was the mean one? - Totally, yeah, yeah, yeah. - But if I was never fat at all. - If I was never fat, and I got to bully me, 'cause I'm a piece of shit, I'm a fat little slug who deserves it, right? That's those fat people. I think, honestly, it is kind of whose mean is really just, it's an Occam's razor situation where it's like, people that have had everything. - Yeah. - And the second you try and like ask for something, they're like, no. - Right. - Like the mean, like in fact, some of the mean is shit is just like the most powerful people in the world deciding like, oh no, I mean, I'm not gonna treat you like a human being. - Right. - I'll tell me I have more power in the world now. - Yes, yes, yes. Or it's like people who are abused, I guess. Abuse not fat. - Right, right, right, right, right. - You know what I mean? 'Cause that's more like a fuck, when you find it like a, like a stray animal that's been like on the street, it's like, like, sharp. When you try and show affection, it tries to bite you. - Yes. - If you come from like an abusive background, that could be how you relate sometimes. - I was a psychology major, I'm well familiar with the science. You know, I actually worked on that. - I didn't realize you had a scientist on the couch. - Yeah. - I psychology major, what was the school again? - Oh, Skidmore College, it's an Ivy League. - Yeah. - Yeah. - Is it? - No, it's a liberal arts school. (laughing) It was sick though, I fucking loved every minute. Like, I have an amazing life. - Yeah, yeah. - But it may have been the best four years of my life. - Really? - I kind of feel that way a little funny. - I mean, I just genuinely was drunk at all times and like zero consequence. - That's so funny, 'cause you were, you were closeted for most of it, right? - No, I was closeted in high school. In college, I came out my sophomore year. - Oh, okay, I see, I see, I see. - And it was talking to the town. - Yeah. - Yeah, people were like, "What?" (laughing) - What the hell is looking at? - I'm sure you really caught 'em by surprise. - You were fucking hooked up with guys like a backwards baseball cap on and shit. - No, I mean, okay, my- (laughing) - And they're like, "Whoa, this is a straight woman." - Seriously, yeah. - Oh, oh. - Sucking, digging like a boulder. (laughing) - You dressed like fucking Charlie Sheen. - I pretty much was. I pretty much was. (laughing) - A hundred percent, a hundred percent. - My style, when I was straight, was the worst style I've ever seen. It was gayer than now. Now it actually, our guy was pretty straight. - I'm actually already got that. - Absolutely. - No, I came out sophomore year, but freshman year, I did have sex with four guys. - Right. - Some of them more than once, if you can believe in that. - Wow, that's fun. - And it was pretty epic. - But yeah, when I came out, I was like, whoa, my life is so much easier. - Okay, that makes sense. 'Cause I thought, I think you like- - I think women is so much easier. Like, see me with men, I seriously felt like I had like a gun to their head. (laughing) - You had the gun to their head? (laughing) - I've never said that before. - That's fucking awesome. - I remember. - But I know, I mean, I could see you in people like- - I just would like, do they really want to be here? - Right. - That's, and that was you kind of being, like, that was you. - Like, trying to get my brain to admit I was gay, but it wasn't. - You're the one who doesn't want to be there. You had the gun to your, you're like, all right. - Yeah. - Show me your penis. (laughing) - I want a penis. - Show me your penis, I want to see it. - I hooked up with this one guy on the soccer team freshman year, and then the next day, I went to my shift at the dining hall. Part of my financial aid was, I had to work at the dining hall. - Love that. which is a completely amazing, anyone on financial aid freshman year at Skidmore has to work in the dining hall. - The same. - Awesome way to go. - The most front-leaf thing. - Family does not make enough money. - It's like you can't, you can do, listen, there's nothing against clean up or like support stashes. - Of course. - But they couldn't have put you in like the night shift. - No, 100%. - They literally pick the place. - The place where everyone goes. - Exactly. - And like this everybody knows who's poor and who's poor. - Exactly. - Real Brendan Fraser in glory days. - Have you ever seen that? - Not familiar now. - I saw it once on. - I love Brendan Fraser. - Is he the guy who played? - The Whale. - He was so sexy. - He was a real piece ass. - Fucking crazy. - It's kind of crazy, absolutely. He spanned a lot of, you know, respect to Brendan. - Yeah. - For doing it at every size. - Oh, you know. - Even though the Whale, we did cover this with Mary Beth Barone. - Yeah. - How funny the world. - Oh, that movie. I know what you're talking about. - Yes. - I didn't see it. - You should, it's so funny. - I don't know. - No, no, Grace. Like from the community. - If you were a fat suit, correct? - He did, but it's. - I'm against that. - Listen, listen, listen. I'm telling you. Watch it. It's the funniest movie of all time. - Okay. - I mean, of course fat movies are funny. - That's because, yeah. - Yeah. Yeah. I'm saying that because I'm like, it's kind of just like Big Mama's house. If you like Medea, you're gonna love the Whale. - Definitely. - The guy who only wants fat suits as no other, no other, no other criteria for a good movie. It's someone like that. - The design is just incredible. It's amazing to look at. The camera isn't supposed to be something. - Anyway, you should because it's like the funniest. It's like if those girls who are like, "You're our mascot," wrote a movie about what it's like to be fat. It's so fucking. - Totally. - It's awesome. - I think that I feel about that kind of stuff is like, if these actors love to go on a press tour and be like, "You know, I had to lose weight for this movie," or like, "I had to work with a personal trainer every day to get jacked." I want the same energy for playing a fat role. - I 100%. - Like Charles Melton got pretty close. You know that actor? - Yeah, sure. - When he did "May" December, I think he gained like, I don't know, 20, 30 pounds or something. And he was like, "I was fucking awesome." And I'm like, "Tell the world." - Totally. - He did that too, Mako and Irohb Mak, when he became fat, Mak. He was talking about how sick it was to just eat like. - I mean, you have the production pay for your personal trainer after. - Totally. And by the way, you want to talk about, we're a package deal when it comes to judging oyster reading contest. I think it would be a pretty dynamite coaching staff to get a hot actor's fat. I think we would be so good at that. - It's like, it's not quite personal trainer, but it's very similar. - I think you're so right. - I would be so good at that. - You're gonna be just hang on the couch with us. - It's like just fucking. - Here's the thing, for four days, just observe. Just, just, just, you know. - That part's free. - That part is free. - But then of course, once you're part of the. - Once you start eating, right. - The crop hub, then you are paying. - Absolutely, right, absolutely. That's going on the studio's dime as soon as you get a little crazy bread. As soon as you order four appetizers. - Right. - Oh man, I think. - That's what we're talking. - I'm really like, this is how much my food addiction is. It's like, even when, 'cause I'm on JLP1, like I've been on a set bound for a while. - Me too, brother. - Nice, dude. Even on it, I will still order, like, when I'm really feeling fucking crazy, I will order like, you know, five entrees, and just take one bite of each and before. But back in the day, I'm eating the whole food. - Yes, and that fucking freedom by the way. - I still need it, but I still. - There's a psychological thing where I need to put that order in, even when I don't eat it. - But that's fine, that's just affecting your bank account, you know what I mean? - Totally. - That's coming out of L.D. to pay right now. - Right. - I think L.D. to pay every time he pisses me off so much I have to eat. - Yeah, he's pissing me off right now, dude. - Yeah, we'll give you a gift card, yeah, yeah. - No, that's so fair. I will say, it's like, you know, I used to have such a different opinion on JLP1 stuff, and I'm on the Wigovie pills. - Out of. - Hell yeah. - And I seriously am like, it's so freeing. I just think that it's switched my brain into how other people have always fucking in their whole lives, but for some reason, because I'm fat, people want to be fucking bitch about it. - Of course. - It's like, no, go fuck yourself. I want to be normal. - I don't actually care if I lose weight or not, I just don't want to have this. Also, I'm sober again, so it's like the last time I did, I know. - That's a fun sentence. Sober again is. 'Cause by the way, me too. - Yeah, I mean, just a month ago, I would be like, so I relapsed. It is fun to be an addict to the point where your relapses are kind of kooky and not like, "Uh-oh, we better fucking take his bank account, we better not let him log into his own chase account." You know what I mean? Because I have some friends that are that kind of relapsed, guys. For me, it's more like, all right, well, look, man, you can only take 200 milligrams a day for so long. - Totally. - Right? Like, that's the relapse I'm at, which is kind of a, let's be honest, it is a pretty fat relapse. You don't have so much weed, you eat through your GLP one and are in a fat jolly half the time. Like, we did a couple episodes, like, earlier this week where I was still so high from the night before. - Really? Oh, that scares me. - It's kind of sick. I love it. I actually love this thing in that zone. And that's when I feel the most addicted to shit where I'm like, "Oh, I like being fucked up." There's a couple, there's a couple of epsilon tires, well, folks, eagle-eyed viewers might be able to see, there's a couple days where I'm hurting all the horrible stuff. 'Cause also, in Pennsylvania where we shoot, they don't have regulated edibles. They have, like, fake bullshit. - Oh, god. - So I ate a lot of those. - I mean, that was me left and right in high school, and those could go cool, cool, cool bananas. - Well, what would happen was I, they just didn't work that night, and I would wake up. There was one day where, I didn't do it on purpose. I wasn't going to work fucked up, but I woke up one time, and I took, like, 80 milligrams and it didn't do anything the night before. I was like, "Oh, these are a bust," and then I woke up, and I'm like, "I don't know where the fuck I am, 'cause I'm in a weird air being beat in Westchester, Pennsylvania." I'm like, "Completely." - I'm like, "Fuck, I'm scared," and then I'm getting a call, it's like, "Hey, are you on your way to set?" But anyway, it's fun. - Yeah, I'm so jealous. I wish I could. I mean, I'm actually not, but I wish I could do weed. I just, I smoked so much in high school. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - I was literally constantly high. - Awesome. - And then I had, like, one traumatic experience, and then I was like, "I can't do it anymore, I know." - And, like, too bad to talk about, or? - No, basically, it's probably fine. I had a friend who was, like, a serious drug addict, and she, like, doing heroin at school, and she, like, was sober the whole time. I had been friends with her until this one time. I was like, "So fucking high at my house," and she just, like, showed up and told me that she relapsed, and I think it just, like, fucked me up. - Yeah, you don't want to get it. - She has no pasta way, too. So, it is, like, you know, it's just sad. - Yeah, so every time you smoke weed, it's kind of, like, killing her again. - Yes. That's exactly what it is. And it's not fair. She should only have to die once. - No, that's fucking horrible, absolutely. - No, it really sucks. - Yeah. - But now it's, like, a bummer, it's, like, strime-seriously, like, 2.5 milligram is my math. - Absolutely. - I'm sorry. I cut you off to talk about my fun addiction, where you're saying you're sober. Now as a sober person, again, which, let's get into, you know, why that way, you're excited to do that. - Yeah, I did, like, pretty much a year without drugs, and then I just kind of went buck wild for a year. - Yeah, yeah, hell yeah. - And now I'm back to it, and I just feel so much better. - What was going on in your life for that buck wild year? - Just, like, creating, like-- - Were you single? Were you, like-- - No, I was in a relationship. - And now I'm single. - Interesting. - And I know. - Single, relapse, like, in a relationship, you really did-- - My, my sobriety and the breakup are pretty much-- - I see. - Coincide. - I see, I see, I see. - Like, got sober and then was, like, no, no can do it. Oh, see, for me, it was always the opposite. Where it's, like, in a relationship, I would just become such a-- I'm like, oh, nice. Things are awesome. I guess I could just fucking do drugs and get fat, a shit again, until I pushed the women who loved me, until they begged me to just get one of my vices under control. - Absolutely. - And I'm like, no. - Yeah, I know exactly, exactly. - No, what? - I know. Well, it's just so easy to be a piece of shit in a relationship. - Unfortunately. - We don't talk about that. - Unfortunately, it is. - Yeah. - And I think some people are looking for that. - Sure. - Because pieces of shit also is, like, comfort. - Comfort, exactly. It's the comfort weight, right? Everybody talks about that. - Absolutely. - You don't feel like you have to put up with, you know, how fucked up the world is. So you gain that nice Charles Melton 20. - Totally. - So it's trademarked that. - Yeah, the Charles Melton 20. You know what they know him for? Gaining 20 pounds on the movie, did a couple of years ago. - Exactly. - Not all the shit he's up to now. So I see, that was a moment of clarity for you. - Absolutely. - Gotcha. - And, but what I was saying about it is that the last time I did my writing student, I, like, my brain just immediately turned to food as, like, where I'm getting my dopamine from. - Absolutely, absolutely. - In a way that just, like, isn't productive, you know? - 100%. - Yeah. - So, yeah. I mean, I wish I could do drugs literally all the time. I wish I was fucked up right now. But I feel so much happier. - I know. I mean, I do legitimately. love the edibles hangover, which is the next when you take, again, an insane amount. Okay. You're so insanely fucked up that night. And the next day, you're just kind of high all day. Oh, that's interesting. And we thought about just taking a lower dose of animal. No, no. I have. Yeah, why would I think of that? I'm fucking stupid. I am seriously not. I want to be like, I literally was getting so fucking high that I was, I was just like, okay, and I had it timed out where it was like, all right, at hour three, you will think all your friends hate you. You will think that the special is going to bomb. And I would literally prepare myself. It's like, this is just part of being this on drugs. To the point where I actually think I beat weed anxiety, because I, I would have like, your life is over level panic attack. No, totally. And just fucking power through them. To now, I don't, they, now I'm just like, I know what you're doing. It's almost like, it's like, it seems like an exorcism movie. It's like, you have the power over me, Satan. I know you are a false construct. That was me. I'm not even kidding. Me highest fuck watching a Sylvester Stallone movie being like, no, my friends aren't going to think I'm a hack. Oh my God. Nice try weed. Oh my God. And then you just, white knuckle through that, then you, you get so fucking high your brain turns off and you have to be in bed by the, because if you're not, if you're not, you will just wake up in a recliner. And that was bad. Yeah. But if you're in bed with your, for me, with your CPAP on nice and snug, nice, and I would sleep like 11 hours, it was, I love to sleep 11 hours. And then I wake up fucking the perfect hot amount of time for 10 hours. It's so funny that one of the most famous drugs in the world, like one of the key things about it is paranoid. Yeah. It's so counterintuitive. Absolutely. Absolutely. I mean, I think we've just, it's just, you know, way too fucking strong. Yeah. But, you know, whatever. Right. I'm not going, but I think I will get completely sober soon. But I, I kind of mentioned to, I was being cagey to a doctor where I was like, I'm trying something. I'm trying something different and it's really ruining my sleep. And I didn't say what I'm trying is to stop taking 100 milligram minimum every night. I said, I did a lifestyle change. It's affecting my sleep. Do you think I should stop it? Because it's important because I fuck my back up and they're like, right now your sleep is very important. I wouldn't do anything. And I was like, great. My doctor said I have to keep smoking. No, don't. Don't change a thing. Different changes. Whatever you're doing, you look fucking good. Keep it up. Yeah. But, but I also am a downer as a guy, drug-wise. Are you more of an uppers person if you don't do weed, then I'm talking about you. Yeah. Yeah. I was like my, my girl girl. Interesting. Yeah. Never like. I seriously am like, that is the best drug ever created. I think we talked. Now I'm having flash. Yeah. I talked about it last time and I remember my friend after being like, Grace, you have a corporate job. Like, maybe don't talk about that. Yeah. And I was like, whatever. It's not real. She's fun. No, exactly. Everyone has a corporate job. Four fucking companies on everything. Totally. Absolutely. Except Stavvy Baby Enterprise is an independent. Right. Right. But we do drug test eldest strictly. I think that's really smart. He's really really smart. He's giving me the PBG. I'm so sorry. Yeah. I don't like the new dad energy. I'm so sorry. Smile on his face. Yeah. But there was a point in in college when I like picked weed back up where I was smoking out of my bong and then drinking nightquil. Awesome. And that was so. I was like literally. You know, it's so fucking funny. As a 37 year old man, I am in the market for a new bong. Like, I've been, I've been on like, what are the smoothest ways to smoke? And honestly, I think I might go through real throwback with it. I haven't even told you this eldest. I'm considering purchasing a volcano vaporizer, the old school. You must have been. Oh, I'm well familiar. That in fact, going back to the beginning of our conversation, that was the zenith. That was as technologically forward as we got. Yeah. Go heat that weed. Crazy. Heat weed so much. Right. It's off THC particles into a big plastic bag. Literally. Like we didn't. That was the most. And now all these fucking kids, they're sending fucking eye message, you know, invisible thing. And they're smoking out of frickin' vapes. Not me. No. What I was doing was pulling up a big ass bag of weed smoke and sucking it down at my weirdest friend's house. Well, at truly the most fucked up guy, because nobody normal had the money. If you were normal enough to have the money, if you were normal and had that amount of money, you were so rich, you just didn't like drugs. Well, also, it's like, for me, it was like you're either, you know, hot boxing a car in high school. If you have the pleasure of going to someone's house, it's like, they're parents. There's something. You're something fucked up as exactly. Because they are obviously okay with the insane, like a 17 year old has access to a volcano vaporizer. And I think those parents. They made my high school experience really fun, but something was wrong. Something's so wrong. Yeah. It was either that or like later on when you would, when you graduated and it was like in your 20s, nobody had any money. So it's like the person who, the only thing they've ever budgeted and planned for is putting aside enough money for $250 vaporizer. Yep. And that was a lot. That was, you know, eight weeks of work at the pizza shop that they'd do one, one. No, I mean, seriously, they were like, they'd get a job to buy it. Five vaporizer, they would, yeah. And they would just stop nine days in. They would, they were eight shifts in a fucking bed against and then just no show, no call. One day and never go back. Yeah. By the way, genius. Completely fucking smart. That is entrepreneurial. Yep. Yep. Yep. Oh my God. I forgot about those, but you're thinking of it. So I have to, in my research, apparently the cleanest way is heated weed, not these oils. Right. Who the fuck is that? Sorry, wait. So for the volcano, you put in flour and it heats it up so high that the, yeah, it's like a packs. Remember those packs? Exactly. Yeah. That had a heyday. Where are they now? They got their lunch eaten by oils and vapes. Yeah. That's what it is. Right. Which is unclean, man. You're right. That's the kind of hippie on it. No, we're not. We've got to go back to that. Look at us. And we, brother, unclean shit. Yeah. Yeah, do I just take pills that aren't labeled all the time? I stopped. But I did. I used, like in college, I was just, I was like, I thought I was getting fucked up and they're like, hey, man, you're, I think you're taking Jeff's anti-psychotic. Oh my God. Oh my God. Crazy. I was like, pick up pills and be like, go, go, go, go, go. Yeah. And later on, did I realize you could Google the things that are written on the pill? Oh, right. Yeah. But that would have never occurred. No, no, no. It was like, fuck it. Let's see. Yes. Through my research, I have been looking into the volcano and we're kind of at an inflection point where if I buy that, I'm pretty much saying I will stay addicted to weed for the time being. And if I don't buy it, maybe I'll get so, but also use the thing, yeah, I like wasting money. Right. I grew up poor and I'm rich. Yeah. So I buy shit. I don't use all the time. You know what? 100%. You talked me into it, Grace. No, I'm buying two volcanoes right now. Stop it. I want what's best for you. Seriously, that's why I'm here. That's why the guys brought me in. Yeah. Thank you. How much is it, though? How much are we talking? I think they're like, eldest, you want to do a little fucking auxiliary producing. I think under a grand, like, come on, you're fine. It's under a grand. I think it's like, I think the deluxe one's maybe $400. What do you got? Let's see. Arace to Google. We're 79 and 700. 700. 700. Jesus Christ. That is actually really. Depend. You're doing, yeah, I know you're doing. You're doing the AI. Hold on, hold on. Grace, I'm sorry. He's doing the AI overview, aren't you? Ben, please tell me the price you're looking at right now. Answer the question. 100. I'm on the official website, so he's. Well, thank you for doing real research. You did the AI overview, didn't you? Yes. The retail cost, the range of retail. He's like, I didn't. I didn't do the AI overview. The computer review. The first fucking thing he pulled up was on the high end. I'm just saying, bro. Get off the. Thank you for doing real. Did you turn it off? Can you turn it off? I think. Or you just scroll. I scroll. Yeah. That's my daily. That's my daily form of resistance against. Totally. I think that's awesome. Every day, I'm like, fuck you. You're a warrior. Fuck you, idiot. Yeah. I'm going to see the move. I'm going to find out which movie Denise Richard showed her tits in without. Well, here's the thing with it is like. My friends that use it, I just am like, "But what is the questions you're asking?" Yeah, yeah. And the questions they're asking are researchable. Right. Right. So I just don't understand. Like, of course, the AI interview just. Wait. AI, what's it called? Overview. Overview. Just pops up, whatever. But when you're typing into chat GBT, I'm just like, "You just can put it into Google and find it." It's fucking crazy. It's really weird. People are doing math on there. Yeah. They forgot about the calculator. No. That's not right. We need to bring back. It's fucked up. I really do think we're so. I mean, luckily, these are stupid and don't work. Right. And they will be too expensive. Either what's going to happen is there's going to be a big. I think we're going to just have like a big AI collapse because this shit is so fucking fake. But I really hope it doesn't completely fuck the economy up. That's the thing. Even rooting against AI sucks because every fucking tech dickhead has kind of. Our economy is so fake that these companies are worth so much money for no reason. And everybody's investing. And they're like, "Oh, great. Up, up, and up, and up." Right. when these things are-- proven to kind of be bullshit, I hope it's in a way that doesn't completely tank the economy and there's fucking, you know, blood in the streets, but we'll see. But if there is, if there is, you're gonna have your volcano and I'm gonna have your door locked. I will have a turret at the top here. I'm like, get the fuck out of my fucking podcast room again, like a gun, like where they have like the gun. Oh my God. Get the fuck out of here. That would be so fun. And I'm fucking shooting robots. They're trying to get me totally. Totally. So this is there. I kill elders because he's trying elders, they've, they've finally got to kill elders. They use elders to try and sneak in like, hey dude. Can you buzz me up? There's a little robot on his shoulder like, just go ask him. No. I'm like, yeah, no problem. Elders. Hey, look up and I got a rope like those fucking Greek people, it's a fucking grenade. Exactly. Hey, pull this for me for a second, Elders. It's not a live grenade. I'm gonna kill you on the escape from my captors, too. No, you. Yeah, yeah. You really think. Well, I've implanted a switch in your fucking vortex. Have you ever seen Suicide Squad Elders? No. You took the job. I put it, I put a bomb in the back of your brain that the second that you fucking cross me, I press the button and your fucking head explodes like we'll smith in that first fucking movie, dude. So take that. I'm gonna override it with the power of AI and then it's gonna fucking do the wrong thing and explode your fucking head. Actually, that is how you're gonna go. Trying to use AI to override my beautiful real bomb that I personally put in your head and then dying as a result. We'll see. I guess we will. In six months or so. We sure will. Yeah. Okay, I think it's time now to take some calls, Grace, to really help the people. I think so. Let's hit the fucking visible hotline at this. We didn't even do the fault edition of the podcast. We're calling this the fatherhood vault, the soul of vault, something, you know, we'll have like an animation. Okay. Cute. The vault. Love that. You're in the vault. We don't know when this comes out. October, November. Okay. Perfect. You don't have it. Do you have anything promote? No. I will have something to promote, but I hope that it's out by then. Honestly. Should I mention it now? Just tell us and we'll cut it into the episode, because we'll be in the future. I have a podcast out now. Maybe not. Probably now. Probably now. Called investing 101. Yeah. And you strike me as someone who knows a lot about it, investing ETFs, right, IPOs, right, stuff like that. And this is they made you do this at the daily show? No, this is me. This is all me completely independent. Are you trying to learn about investing? What's the thesis here? I'm not teaching. You're teaching. You're getting great. Yeah. Well, I can't wait to check it. Yeah, you'll be on it. So I can't wait. Yes, I can't wait to get gained some incredible financial literacy. Yeah. From your podcast, investing 101, which is out now, probably. Ben, here's with a damn call, my friend. Hello, Stavvy, hello, elders, hello, esteemed guest. I'm calling with a bit of a weird one today. I wait to get dinner with my parents sometimes. We live in the same small Midwest city. It's a, I say, small city, but it has a decent amount of sports bars, and that's pretty relevant to the conversation. It's nice because my parents are incredibly picky eaters and they will only eat at sports bars. And even then, only like, I don't know, don't I think they are picky eaters who only eat at sports bars. Yeah, if it doesn't have a blooming onion knockoff, I ain't going. That's so fucking funny to be, by the way, every parent talks about how their kid doesn't want to talk to them anymore. Right. And this woman is trying so hard to get dinner with her parents. Right. And they're like, all right. There's some fucking wings. Yeah. She's like, they just still have barbecue sauce on their face from last night. That's fucking, that's all, it's what, they're picky eaters the way a four-year-old is a picky eater. No, completely. If they don't have chicken tenders, they're like, oh my god. They're like, oh my god, they're like, oh my god. Oh my god, they're like, oh my god, they're like, oh my god, they're like, oh my god. I do have a, like, rule for life that if someone brought a knife to school with the intention of stabbing me, I kind of don't like them to have any part of perfection. Okay. So we're talking about something other than a bull. Yeah. I wouldn't call that. I wouldn't call that attempted murder. Also insane. Wait. What the fuck? This is awesome. This is awesome. This is amazing. Really nice. Really nice. Okay. Okay. What's her rule if someone tries to bring a knife? They're not in her. She doesn't want to hang out. She doesn't want to have them in their, in her life. She's fucking insane. Yeah. She's being a bitch. Your parents like the boneless wings there. Yeah. So what's more important? I don't know. Yeah. She said, if someone brings a knife school with the intention of stabbing me, I don't want them preparing my food. Yeah. That's fair. That's quite fair. Oh, yes. Oh my god. I'm scared. That's quite fair. Wait. So what is her question? Yeah. Let's see. How do I tell my parents? I just spit in my food or do something else to it. I just don't want to deal with it. I don't want to go there. The thing is, it's like pretty decent sports bar. So I don't know. Like do I risk it? Do I keep going there with my folks or do I just find another sports bar? Yeah. Again. You're a parent. I know this happened, right? You're a parent. My food is hampered with, I guess. But they do make a mean cheeseburger. Anyway. Hope you guys have a great day. So you've given, I love that she's given up on getting her parents to eat any other cuisine. That isn't even part of the-- I mean, completely. Which is so fucking fun. I mean, I get it. I tried to take my mom like a nice restaurant. Yeah. And she was like-- Really? Yeah. She was like, she wants to go to like a chain. She never wants to get a massage. But I'm working on her on the food. Because like, we took her to a nice one and it's like, it went from like, no, I'll never go to like-- I'll try. No. You know, like, so we're like, we're like, we're wearing her down to let her have a nice thing in her life. I think about how fucking horrible my mom's life is. You're putting like one little pearl of caviar in her food every day to get her up. And how like, like, raising me and my dumb ass brothers in, like, and we, and like, my parents never wanted to admit we were poor, but we were fucking like-- Yeah. She deserves a nice fucking meal every once in a while. Right. I love that for you. So it's, I love that you've given up on moving your parents from here. Now, look, I would say your parents know this woman tried to fucking-- Yeah, I hope so. Potentially stab you. If not, now's the time to tell them. Now's the time to let them know, like, hey, that fucking woman, which I'm going to guess a rose tattoo right above her tits in a place you can see, which it feels like, why don't you move this down one inch and it would be covered? Oh, no, you want people to see you have a weird faded robe with a line work as bad. Rose tattoo right above your tits. I'm going to get-- you see that woman over there? She tried to kill me when we were children. Right. I think your brush will be like, OK, maybe we can go to fucking chilies. Right. I'm also going to say, like, you are self-admitting, like, the burger's pretty tasty. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So I'm kind of like-- Seems like you like this. All right, so I don't think you want to leave, but the thing is, I think you need to figure out-- I wish we could chat on the phone right now. Sure. But figure out, like, what is the current relationship with this person? Are you able to make eye contact and wave and smile? Or are you, like, kind of scared of this person walking? Yeah, because, look, there is another reading of this where it's like, we were talking about earlier. It's like, if you were really mean, you're either, like, kind of someone who got everything handed to them and has no empathy, or someone who's, like, had fucked up living situation. Right. And, look, obviously, it's traumatic for you to-- someone to bring a knife. Yeah, exactly. You're fucking insane. You have to be-- how bad your family has to be for you to be a child that's like, I think I'm going to stab. Right. So there is a world. And I-- Oh, yeah. Bringing a knife to school is really like-- so there's shit going on. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's a world where this person, like, got psychiatric help, like, they're in their life right now. She is a waitress at the sports bar. And, you know, you-- She wants to be the best waitress at sports bars. Yeah, yeah, yeah, totally, totally. And it's tough right now, I get it. I'm willing to bet that's not what happened. Right. A small Midwestern town, was she really doing a lot of self-reflection? Sure. I don't know. But is there a world where this person is even embarrassed by their behavior? Right. Yes, there is. Now, I know-- I grew up in a, you know, in Baltimore, I can think of people who were violent when we were children. And yeah, I know, too, that they're in their life around. And I know hundreds that are criminals. So it's like it's maybe not hundreds tens tens of -This statistics still, you know what I mean? -I mean, my personal, my personal sort of like, and many of them were criminals that never got caught, by the way. Some of them are like, just pieces of it. -Smartest of them all. -Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, it's them being smart, not how Baltimore cops don't care if a restaurant owner is a rapist. -That's-- [ Laughter ] -It's that they're smart. -Oh, you know what I'm saying? -Anyway. [ Laughter ] -So, that I'm not willing to bet that that's what's going on. But, and I think what we're picking up here is she's in sports bar jail. -Yeah. -She finally found one where the burger hit. -That really sounds like I get the predicament. I really do. -Yeah. -I think you just have to be like, are you scared right now? And if the answer is yes, then I don't think it's worth it. -I think, yeah, look, fucking door dashed. -Told you. -You know what I mean? If you really love the burger, get it, go. -Yeah, he's a fake name. -You use a fake name, yeah. -We're also just like tell your parents that's where you guys go. But when we're together, I can't go there. -Yeah, that's date night. -Right. -And you're about to beat it up, pop. -Yeah, literally. -That's where you and mom go. -A hundred? -Yeah, yeah, yeah. When she's getting a white-sif-and-dale. -And blue is being delivered from Amazon. That's where you go. -She's getting a white-sign out of a bag. Out of a fucking garbage-sized bag. That's where you and mom go to get fucking freaky. -Oh, my God. -But we need it. Yeah, I personally, putting myself in the situation, I would not-- and I didn't feel-- and I didn't know that this person was hospitalized, medicated, doing well, had a family, all this other shit. I wouldn't go there. -No. -I don't have a bully-- I don't have anybody for my past that quite rises to this level. But even more minor enemies, I wouldn't want them to deal with it. -Yeah, I just think like, you know, emotional bullying is just a very different world from knife. Emotional bullying is so-- again, when you're kid-- because the other thing is you look back. And now, you know, I'm fucking 37. I don't care about getting bullied in fucking grade school. What am I, baby? And you understand that, like, those so fucking strong. -I'm fucking strong, dude. -I hope that-- -It doesn't bother me. I'm over it. I hope your audience can feel like that. Because like-- -I wouldn't actually see ours. -You're bulletproof, nothing too long. -I don't think about it. I don't think, like, if it happened now, things would be fucking different. I'm over it. But like-- even like the bullying that did happen, it's like, who gives a fuck? Those kids probably had bad lives. Whatever, whatever. But man, when you're like, can I trust this person not to put a poison in my-- And again, they're probably not going to do that. -Right. -But they might need this job, you know what I mean? -So if they're-- if they're reformed, but still a piece of shit in their heart, they might rub their pussy on it. They might spit on it. -Oh, I worked in service industry. Did that all the time. -You might run a fry under the underside of the line, cooks nuts. You might-- you might trace the seam of his balls with a steak fry. -Oh, no. -You might do something like that. And that's not as bad as dying, but it's not something I'm interested in. -No, it's not something you even want. -You know, I mean, up there. -Yeah, yeah, yeah. Horatio sands-- and they might hit you with the Horatio sands in fucking road trip. You ever see that? He flips some toast. He opens his fucking underwear. It's actually a really funny scene. I see-- I am now re-remembering Horatio sands is a sex predator. And it's just a strike from the record that I thought-- You know what? Keep it, because it's like putting Barry Bonds in the Hall of Fame. He deserves it, but he was a piece of shit. That's what I'll say. -Yeah, OK. -Fuck Horatio sands, because he's a piece of shit. -Thank you for-- -But the person who wrote road trip and crafted a scene where a fat guy puts French toast in his nuts, that person deserves the idea. -But if that was improv by Horatio, then-- -No longer like-- look up who wrote road trip. Probably Ernest Hemingway. -It would be of fact-- -It was the last manuscript. -Ridden by Todd Phillips and Scott Armstrong. -Of course, if we got-- -I agree. -If we got Todd Phillips-- -I mean, seriously. -Did he direct road trip? Did I forget that? That movie's fucking good. -He wrote it. -And that's an art-- -Who did not want to get it? -Yeah, he did direct it. -I know I've seen it, but-- -But which one's road trip? -Tom Green. -That's the one where-- -Shon William Scott. -That is the one where I believe somebody cheats on their girlfriend on tape, and they have to intercept the tape before his girlfriend finally-- -Really? -That's fine. -It's-- and the road trip is trying to get the tape before-- And I don't know if he cheated or if it looks like he cheated. But it is also-- you want to talk about the Odyssey. That might be my favorite Odyssey adaptation, because they're at Ithaca College, and they go to an Odyssey to get the cheater. -Oh, my God, for real. -Yeah. -Really shit. -I don't know-- -I don't know anything about the fucking Odyssey. -It's good. -The actual book, you know, is good. -He becomes insecure when he can't regularly reach Tiffany by phone, fearing a fidelity. He begins sending her videotape messages. -Okay. Keep reading if he-- -Oh, his AI over his-- -Yeah, yeah, yeah. The robot unplugged, so I was fucking forgot. -Oh. -Why did you pause for seven seconds? -Because I'm trying to-- I'm trying to-- -This is why you need the AI overview. Because now I have to reach it out. -Oh, okay, sweetie. -When you hire two guys to produce a podcast and Ben is doing all the actual work, you don't have the fucking brain power to read a fucking-- to read a fucking article. -I'm trying to leave it quickly. -They need our money. -Amen. -Donate it. If you have a dog, donate it. -Donate it. -It is funny because when I was in middle school, they were like, do not use Wikipedia. And now I'm like, that's like a library of anti-entery. -No, Wikipedia is the most-- -Absolutely. -Intelligent. -We need is like-- -We've ever had elders. -Yes, you're right. He and Beth escaped to his room and record themselves having sex. -Okay. -Next morning, he tells his friends he slept with Beth and recorded it. They immediately put-- -Yeah, I got it. It's fine. Don't try and read now. It's too little too late. -Yeah. Anyway, check out Road Trip. So watch Road Trip with your family sometimes. Instead of going to the police, order a door dash. Watch Road Trip. -How do we get here? I don't know. I don't know. -But yeah, whatever. Don't go there. Next question. [LAUGHTER] -Hey, Tavi. You've seen, guys, I'll just get right to it. This is mostly this context for my question. That's when most of my life prioritizing saving money over actually living. Starting at 12, I used my sound notifications to work on parents' paid for college. But I still worked almost full times throughout. -I love when you can tell they wrote it first. -And I was so through that I'd avoid going places because I didn't want to spend money on gas or going out with friends because I didn't want to spend money on food or drinks. But I said, I realized this was hurting my friendships and making me pretty difficult to be around. I worked really hard on this. And now I spend much more freely on travel and experiences than the people I love. -I love that. I'm 30. I've built my saving and I'm happier and less stressed about money than I've ever been. -He's like, but now I have to have a new relationship with money lasting more than two years. I've now been with my girlfriend for six months and this relationship feels completely different than I have ever had. She's a four-year-old daughter who I've become incredibly close with and essentially already acting as a stepdad. And we're planning on moving in together and my lease is up in February. I don't feel like we're moving too fast at all, but I'm sure people would. I can generally see myself marrying her. -He's 30, isn't he? -But I'm a fence about having children together. -He's 24? -Honestly, that goes back to my relationship with money. I've made a lot of progress, but I'm still not exactly stoked about spending hundreds of thousands to raise a child. I truly hate working. And I've built my finances around the idea of potentially retiring through early. Having a child could mean it. -What are you going to do? -Another 10 billion. -He lost me. -He really had me like wrapped around his finger. -But I do think this is so clearly whatever psychological issue he has with money. -100%. -Like coming back when the stakes are actually-- -It's trauma, but I guess he said he grew up poor, right? Is that what he said? -Yeah. -I mean, listen, I grew up poor too. My relationship with money is a lot different. I never budgeted until I just didn't ever have to, so I got lucky. She would actually gone bad for me if it didn't work out. -I mean, 100%. -Yeah, yeah, yeah. -I would be back at Baltimore for working at a-- I'd be at that sports bar with that stabby whore. Like that stabby mentally insane bully or whatever. -I know. -No disrespect, again. -No, you guys should be shut out to the services. -You guys would be really cute. -We would be a cute couple. -Wait, I will say the last time I did your podcast, there actually were like two comments that were like, if Grace was straight, they'd be fucking adorable. [ Laughter ] -I was reading in comments like, Larry Smiley, like -- -Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, that is true. -It's really cute. -It is cute. But again, that is more not fat people. Seeing fat people is like, "Hundred points to put together." It's like, isn't it cute when -- -No, the sailor moon and Goku are together? -It's like, that's how they see fat. Every time I do anything with A fat person -- -They're like, "Who circles the good together?" [ Laughter ] It would be different if it was a circle and a rectangle. [ Laughter ] -Okay, so they're more -- -Let's let them finish. -Oh, we have a lot of finished? Jesus Christ. -Okay, that's on the show. -Two plus years of working. I love kids, and I think about one could bring a lot of joy and happiness to both realize and purpose. So my question is, I spent most of my youth sacrificing experiences to achieve financial freedom. Now that I've built some freedom, and I suppose this starts right now. out again for our family? How do you know when you're you've saved enough to start prioritizing your life? Your money is the your money is supposed to give you. I'm genuinely terrified of dying at my desk. So the sound like I'm being reckless or does it sound like I'm finally learning to take a risk on something that feels genuinely right? Thank you guys. You're welcome. Respect. I mean, honestly, this is fascinating because his two greatest fears are at odds with each other in a way that will ensure he's never happy. He's like, I'm either I'm either I'm wasting my whole life or I'm going to fucking die right now. Yeah, it's like I will I will be on the street or I die at my desk and it's like brother that he's like those you can't it's one or the other. Right. And it's and in fact, it shouldn't be either. It should be them. You know this. Though this guy knows this where you've experienced a easier version of this conundrum, which is you realize that nobody wants to be around the cheap print. Who Venmo's you for fucking an eight dollars on eight dollar fucking whatever the fuck. I was going to say soda, but there's no eight dollars soda and eight dollars not yet, but I can't wait. Oh, when they get there. That's probably so tasty. Who Venmo's let's say an eight dollar fucking thing of popcorn or whatever the movies, whatever I will stick with sodas. You know what? You're at the movies. They charge you eight dollars at the soda for soda. So it makes sense. Yes. And if my fucking bully from elementary school is watching, you can't make fun of me about that. I meant to say eight dollars. So, so hand to the freaking face. Boo. Yeah. Um, like you've realized that that cost you friendship being that cheap, that frugal. Yeah. This is now just that with stakes, right? You're saying you're you're dude, you fucking honestly use the other thing you need to watch the fucking Christmas Carol. You're literally talking about being screwed. Oh my god. Do you want to be fucking scrooge or do you want to be fucking the poor guy with his fucked up kid with his fucked up little legs? But he's happy. 100. You know what I mean, like that's the and so now is there a separate issue here about the moving fast thing 24? He's 24. Yeah. He's 24. He's 24. She's he's 30. She has a four year old. Well, listen, I look, are you moving a little too fast? I don't know what to tell you there. I mean, I'm a lesbian. So yeah, no, you're moving slow. Great. Yeah. Grace is technically been married eight times. She's civil union laws have stopped her from being married, but yeah. Like I think you just can't the money thing is clearly a psychological hang up. Yes. It is a it is a it is something that is not rational is not logical. It's clearly you if you've saved up a little money, go to fucking therapy about it. Right. Sure. Because this is just like a this is just something that is there. And look, I actually, I do get this because I joke about never knowing shit about money, but I it was so I was so aware that my dad was in debt that my parents were in debt that I was like, I'm not going to college if I have to take out a student alone, and I went to a small school like 20 minutes from my house. Yeah. And I went on scholarship. So that's the literally the only reason I went to college was because I was like, I'm not doing it. I never had credit card debt. I was whenever I got money. I didn't have money. I just didn't have neck. Yeah, yeah, you were never saving till it happened to you. It was it was like the level financial literacy I had was don't have negative money, which I guess is a step up from what, you know, my family. But I do get being fucking scared of this. For sure. But you're realizing what is so much more important. I mean, you have a relationship with this kid. You clearly love this woman. Are you moving too fast? I don't know. I mean, look, dude, it sounds like shit's going good. You will just have to think about that. Those are two separate issues, right? But couching it in the terms of wasting my money on a family is that well, this is why you have money. You love this woman. You love her daughter. You're like, I sacrificed, I sacrificed my, you know, experiences in my youth. Take this fucking little kid to Disney World, bro, take or not, we know whatever. Some go to a beach, go like have the experiences with people you love. I can tell you as the like, my shit is kind of the opposite where it's like I built up my career so much at the expense of kind of every other part of my humanity. Oh, I mean, like the last four or five years, it's been a serious struggle. I'm like, what am I doing this for? Right. And so it sounds like you're dealing with the same thing. I can tell you my plan. It's been my plan for a while. It's like, yeah, after this run, I want to I want to do all the stuff that I have not, I want to spend a couple years of my life where my career is in the background and personal life. All this other shit is in the, you know, hang out with my family, seeing my nephew visiting all the babies in my family, giving eldest's child a strong male role model because he will not have that. I know. I was worried about that. I'm glad you're stepping up. Yeah. And eldest's home, we file, they file, they follow the same hierarchy as Bobby Baby Enterprises. A total. So he is a high ranking. He's high ranking, but he's not. Right. Number one, obviously. Yes. But, but yeah, so I would say you're in danger of like, losing and look, maybe I don't even know if this relationship is going to work out who's to say. Totally. This girl could be fucking crazy and the kid could suck. We don't actually know. Kid might be a real done, you know, after, after. But don't think it's fair for him to ask himself, like, if he were to die at his desk tomorrow, where would he want that money to go? If the answer is to the girl and the kid, then you're absolutely, you absolutely know what's right. That's a great point. That's the answer is like, my parents and I wouldn't want this woman and her kid to get a dime. No, but I think the answer, unfortunately, I think the answer would be, I wish I could go back and time and spend it. You're right. You're right. And I think, you know, who knows where he would give the money? I wish I could have gotten them gifts or like, I wish I had just done something. And so, I would see what is the real rudeness? Okay, your parents grow poor. A lot of people's parents grow poor. Most people do not develop this type of cycle. In fact, I would say most people who grow poor just are bad with money. Totally. So it's like, he should be proud that he like, you know, is careful about things. It's definitely like a good thing. In terms of psychological issues to have, being so good with money at this current day and age, where like everyone who works hard can't buy a fucking house. Exactly. That's not the worst. Look at it that way. You do have a psychological issue, but you got kind of a good one. Right. No, it's the one I, most people would take. The one you'd want as opposed to gambling addicts. He also, it's like, okay, he said he like lost friendships and whatever throughout his life because of this. It's like, well, maybe it's like a little sign from the world that like, this is what you're supposed to do with the money. It's like great of fucking life for yourself. And by the way, you're young enough, this is the age where you should be having these realizations. Right. And your mid 20s is kind of when you figure out who you really are. 24 is a baby though. Super baby. That's what I'm saying. So that's why I'm saying like, what you need to focus on is fixing your issues with money. Is this too fast? Is it not? Right, that's for another time. That's a different thing. Don't get married like right this moment. But he's also conflating the two things where it's like, well, the money, I guess the problem is you see everything as having financial value. And you see it as like, is having a child, you even said it. I don't really feel like spending hundreds of thousands of dollars on a kid. That's not how anybody sees having a kid. No, you have a kid because you want to have a fucking kid. You want to have a family. It's like, yes, of course it's expensive as fuck. What the fuck else are you going to do with your mind? Yeah. It's a literal human being. Yeah. And so, you know, I don't, you, I think you need to figure out. You need to go to therapy and talk about this shit because like, what's the root of this? You know, where, you know, what behavior that your parents did specifically has you feeling this way? And, and yeah, you, but I get it though because I also have that thing of like, is this relationship? I have that thing of like seeing a relationship as like a burden instead of a good thing. And he, it sounds like he has that too, where, yeah, you know, naturally you just look at and that might come from having the types of parents and fucking, you know, the money didn't fucking care about you. You see the people around you who love you is something that you have to fucking put up with. Yeah, it's like maintenance fees. Yeah. You see it as like, walk, I got a kiss my girlfriend today. Jesus Christ. Holy fuck. That actually, that actually is so fucked and true about you just like by accident completely sent me spiraling. 100%. And so like, yeah, dude, I think this is so, this is just the, the cliff notes version of this is like, absolutely, you cannot be afraid to spend money on stuff like this. In particular, if you're like, this is the girl I want to be with. Right. And look, is it a pinch early maybe, but it's also like cute. It's nice. If you're actually in love, she's probably pumped to have somebody nice and, you know, like wants to build a life with her. You have a relationship with this kid. Yeah. She's open having more kids with you and he said he wants that kid. So it's like, look, how this relationship goes, I'm not sure. But you can't let this psychosis, this like this like fucking money obsession stop you from living a full life. That would be the overall note that I would give our pal here. - Any of the opportunity to teach the kid some things that he didn't learn. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, no, that's the nice, I mean, it is cute to see my brother be an awesome dad. - Totally. - That's like a better dad than our dad for real. And he had an opportunity to be a better dad. So it's nice to see people who do, that shit is cute. So yeah, that's an ultimate way of like, if you do have some resentment towards your family, honestly, the best way is to just make a better family for it's a better person than you. - Something I will say about like trauma and those kinds of things is like, you just have to work on it. No one fucking cares. - No one gives a fuck, no one gives a fuck. - Everybody's, shit is something you don't fucking. - You just gotta try your best, you really gotta. - Yeah, and when they care, it's like such a bummer. I, it's gotta be so fucked up. You're gonna be like, absolutely. - Absolutely. - Whatever you need. You don't wanna tell that fucking story. - No. - And so, you know, it's all good, bro. You're, you're doing good. Stay out of your. - Congratulations. - Congrats, since it's going good for you. You've worked on this problem a little bit. Keep working on it. That's, that's the overall. - Yeah. - That's the overall advice. What else we got? - Hello, Stavie. All this team's got, I have a food question and I don't think that there's any better place for me to go in the world. - That's a food question in here. - I mean, what about a train shift? (laughing) - Too much joy to do with Germany, relocated to Germany. My self and my beautiful German wife didn't want our tax money contributing to the disaster of the United States of America. - Hell yeah. - And I lost. Life here is great. - I see his fat phobia is rooted in this German identity. - And coming to Germany, I have discovered that I am gluten intolerant. And this isn't like a pussy like gluten fat. This is like a pretty confident it's celiac. Every time I eat any gluten, I have horrific diarrhea, terrible stomach pains, explosive the inside of the toilet, looks like a water balloon full of shit is just exploded in there. It's a goddamn disaster for me. - By the way, that is barely a metaphor. - He's like, I'm not sure if you know what diarrhea is, but basically let me paint a picture for you. - You just added one step to shitting. - You put a funnel in your ass and put it into the balloon and then through the, the shit goes in the toilet, man. I know what the fuck diarrhea is like. - That's so weird. - That's not even, yeah, keep going, Ben. - Floating awful, right? So I've deduced it at a gluten allergy through completely removing gluten from my wife. Here's the problem. I live in the world headquarters of bread and beer, which are my two favorite fucking thing in the world. - What sausage as well? - Yes. - And I now suddenly can't have either of them. - And I don't know what the fuck to do. - Because your wife pick up a different type, maybe an Asian wife where there's more rice, but it was a good point, yeah, it was a good point. - That's really smart. - Move the fucking Thailand. - Yes. - Eat some rice noodles with a different, you know, wife that you're escaping America with. - Easy. - Easy done. - Next question. - Was there more now? That was it, basically. - Oh, there's more. - I'm vegan, so I can't eat worse. - Oh, no. - All the other amazing German food is off the table for me. - Dude. - The white thing. - He's like, I'm fucking starving right now. - You're not proud of the world? - Yeah. - He's only eating cabbage. - And now I suddenly can't have either of those things. - Oh my gosh. - So I guess my question for you is, do I, you know, say once every two weeks, that it's just, it's worth it, fuck it, fuck my stomach, fuck my toilet, I'm going to jump in, you know, head purse and knock that. 10 or 12 beers with my beautiful German wife and tape fourth and I say 12. Or do I accept this is my new reality and right off and entirety, beer and bread. - Did he say knock off 10, 12 years of my life? - No, no, 10, 12. I'm beautiful. - Oh, yeah. - Which sounds awesome, by the way. Just getting fucked up with your wife. - Oh, yeah, totally. - I do remember, I-- - The dreams are made of. - I mean, it's the way that I've started to believe and like love and like having family and shit is the dumbest shit of all time. Like, the kid, the way I was like, like I was like, whoa, it'd be awesome to have a kid, when I was like, well, one day I could show this kid, fucking John Wick, you know what I mean? - No, totally. - One day I can watch heat with my child, you know what I'm saying? - Absolutely. - And then when eldest just told a story about spending all day high on the couch with his wife, I was like, you could do that with your wife, not just your boys. I was like, wait a second. One of my favorite activities. - You've like never met a girl before because you're like, they don't want to do shit. - They don't want to do shit. - Every time I have a girlfriend, I'm always like, I always have the like, I'm like, well, we got a fucking, you know, do activities. Like there's like a-- - Oh, you're just thinking of date. I'm thinking of, yeah, I'm like, whoa, you could get to a point where, and also by the way, every time I would have a girlfriend, like when I was dating people, I would be so busy pathetically with, I wasn't even having a career. - No, but I would be doing so much shit that, when I had a day off, I would just want to get high and hang out, and the people that were dating at the time would be like, what the fuck, like I see you and all you want to do is like stay indoors. And it was literally like this moment where I was like, whoa, you could just do like a fun, easy activity. But it's like, it was literally like replacing my friends who, you know, they're pretty up there in terms of-- - I would love right under family. I would say above certain family members. - Yes. - And then it's like, wait, you could find a person you actually love more than them, like to fuck, and they might want to get high and watch movies all day. Literally, that's how fucking stupid I am. - No, but it's true. - Like that clicked for me anyway. - Right. - Well, that's how I feel being recently single is. I'm like, all the things that I feel like I haven't been able to have in my relationships, I'm just telling myself I 100% can. - Yeah, yeah. - Literally, I'm gonna find the absolute perfect person for myself and everyone should feel that way. - What's the, what are some, what are you thinking there in terms of perfect person? - Do you have a favorite? - Haley Bieber. (laughing) - 'Cause I already very bravely said, my perfect, my ideal way to say-- - Oh, yeah, I agree with that. - Is a divorced Hillary dog. - You know, I'll take her too. - No, I call dibs, no, hold on. We got a clear dibs here. - No, Hillary, come on. - You don't get Hillary. You can have Haley Bieber. - I have no clue. - Anyway, yeah, somebody who would be fucking perfect. - Yeah, you can 100% find the perfect person. - Yeah. - Sounds like this guy has it. Unfortunately, he's not the perfect person. - He's not perfect for her. - His family act. - His wife should have divorced him. - And I think he should be very on edge. - And he's, yes, and yep. - It's time is running out. - Yep, go to fucking October Fest. Not back somewhere. - Here's what I will say. And like-- - I mean, vegan. - That really is the killer. 'Cause like, I would not vote rooting for him. - Eat some meat, you're in Germany. - But he's like, I know. - But vegan and German, I am like, what is he able to eat? Like vegetables? - I guess. Yeah, I don't forget. - Obviously for-- - No, schnitzels meat. - Right. (laughing) - Like soup, some soup. - Cabbage, you said it yourself. - Yeah, cabbage, like sour crop, but like I'm-- - I mean, so his question is, here's the thing. You're, he's saying, should I every once in a while just go crazy? - Yeah, I mean-- - Take it from someone who literally did this with GLP ones for about four months. - Oh, and just say it. - Where every once in a while I'd be like, I'm beating it. And I would get so fucking sick, dude. I would get highest shit and eat like an animal. Uncomfortable, just psychological damage. My problem here, like with that guy's money problem, I have a 10 times worse with food. But and after you fucking, after you get shocked by the electric fence, enough times, you're gonna stop. So what you're talking about now, you're in the bargaining phase of fucking grief or whatever the fuck tragedy with that denial, bargaining, whatever the fuck that shit is. The seven stages of some shit. Anyway, fuck, don't look it up out there. It's just fucking keep looking at me dumbfounded. You're at the bargaining phase. - I was trying to go to the sun. (laughing) I'm trying to give another great story. - And the rubber of his feathers are melting, isn't that one? - It was wax, they made the winger-- - The rubber. Anyway, so that's allos and ikaros. - Yeah. - Great, by the way, ikaros, that was the restaurant my mother was a waitress at for years. - Oh my God, really? - Close down, unfortunately, great, great place. But RIP, RIP ikaros, you are just trying, you're bargaining, you're like, oh, I have a couple weeks, I'll just have beer and have diarrhea. - Yeah. - Eventually, you can try that. Eventually, you will face reality. And you will have to craft the life. And dude, I don't even know what the fuck to do here. - I mean, vegan. - I know. - I mean, I guess depending on where the, I could see Berlin just 'cause people say it's gay and in my head, gay and vegan go together. I could see Berlin having vegan. - No, but it's just still tough 'cause I'm just imagining being in Berlin and having like a fucking amazing falafel bowl, but it's like the falafel would have wheat. - Does it? - Falafel, isn't that chickpea flour? - Oh, it's chickpea flour. - So falafel? - Well, buddy, oh, yeah, stop falafel. - I see, yeah. - He's like, I hate, I hate Middle Eastern. - Yeah, exactly. But, you know, here's the thing, like, I'm no stranger to diarrhea, so it's kind of like, - Yeah, I mean, if you are, I don't know, ask yourself. If you're okay with that, then of course, sure do it. - But if he's a vegan who married a piece of ass in Germany, he's probably not fat, you know what I mean? Like he's probably not, he didn't sound fat. In fact, he was so disrespectful in the way he couched this question. Oh, there's no better person to ask a food question. - No, of course. - That he's definitely not fat. - He looked at it, he winked in the mirror like that. - He's some fucking little pipsqueak that I'm glad can't eat fucking. - Totally. - And vegans, I mean, you know. - Of course they can be fat. - Often they just, you know. - That's a type of-- - That skin doesn't glow, but they have a sickle. - Yeah, yeah. - Gray skin. Yeah, no, absolutely. - No light in their eyes. - No light in their eyes, but you know, it can be very vascular at the same time. I mean, look dude, you're completely fucked and there's no way around. - Yeah, it sucks ass. - It is, when you said, like see, like I really like, I got shivered on my spine, like that is my nightmare. - 'Cause vegan, like I had a friend recently who got bit by with that tick that makes you allergic to meat. - Yeah, how's he doing? - Bad. I mean, like health wise fine, but like she's like gonna kill herself 'cause she's tired of eating fish. - When did it happen? - Maybe like six months ago. But apparently it gets better over time and it's weirdly only, it's not your whole life. Like meat tastes like shit or something? - I think you get sick, I think you get sick. Even worse, yeah, you get this type of shit. So now, you can lose one thing and be fine. Like we're goofing on vegans, but 100 can eat as a vegan, vegans can have some good, there's some great shit you can eat as vegan. But when you start putting two together. - I know, then you're honestly handicapped. - You're worse, you're worse than I would rather, no joke, I would rather lose the use of my fucking feet and legs. - Yeah, then I have to be vegan and gluten free. - Free would somewhere might argue, I will be losing my foot because of that stance at some point in my life, but I would truly rather be paralyzed. As long as I can fucking play video games, - Totally. - And once I get the shoulder fixed, I think I'll be very good. - Yeah, you're still a guy. - I've been very good at video games. - Oh fuck, I would eat my cock still. Let me make very clear. - Yeah. - I would still need my cock. - Okay, 'cause I was about to take it away. - Yeah, yeah, I don't wanna be, I don't wanna be paralyzed right under my nuts. Right under my nuts, the paralysis kicks in. I would rather do that than be vegan and gluten free. - Yeah, it just sounds fucking bad. - Where's the Jardavine? - Yeah, what could you be, fruits? Like, let's, fruits falafel, rice noodles. I guess Asian is what I wanna go. - All right, Asian. - India, you gotta move to India. They got crazy good vegan food actually. All right, listen, you've divorced your wife and you get a woman from like Vietnam or India. - I think the answer is just stop fucking eating German food and drinking beer. Like, the vegan's almost not the issue I'm realizing. It's like. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. He thought he had his perfect life. - Right. - I'm moving to Germany. My wife is a hot German lady. I'm vegan. - They ought to have. - But they got so much good friends. - I think they have really free beer on draft in Germany. If they have any Guinness on draft in Ireland. - That's true. It's possible. - Oh, no. - I don't know. - No one really cares about-- - No one gives a fuck. I think it could be the kind of thing where they're like, what? - Care more about alcoholics. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, absolutely. 'Cause you can sell, those people have a disease. You can sell them more. - Right. - So true. They're looking for something else to buy. - I have had friends who drank 12 Heineken zeros. - Oh, I have a hundred percent. - Like, what are we doing here? - Not anymore. Now I just burp too much. - Of course. - You just drank 12 shitty sodas. - But when I first quit drinking back in that first time, my first stent at it, I really was like fucking pal. - So yeah, dude, you're fucked. Just start fucking eating vegan. Like eat rice, eat fucking. And would I do this? Do it if you want. I mean, look, I've literally lived my, like you said, no stranger to diarrhea. I have, I usually get that way like every third day. - Totally. - So I basically lived like this, but just with regular overeating. - Right. - But again, I don't think you're built like that. - All right. - Exactly. - I don't think you're built like that. - We think you're a little too dainty. - You're too dainty for this lifestyle. So I would say, you know, Indian, it's a lot of ethnic cuisine. - Yeah, which is honestly awesome. And he probably isn't a good spot for it. Like, like. - And what depends what part of it is? - Don't you feel like we're lit? - I will say, I went to, I went to fucking Doozledorf randomly because I had, - That's a real place. - Yes, Doozledorf, Germany. And it was, because weirdly, there's, my grandmother's island, there's like three places in Europe that have a direct flight. And one of them was Doozledorf and I was in Amsterdam. So I took a train to Doozledorf. - I have never heard of this place. I mean, it sounds fake, but it's real. But anyway, it had really good Japanese food actually. And it had really good like Middle Eastern food too. - That sounds awesome. - Germany, and now if he's in the sticks, he's probably fucked. You gotta move somewhere where you can eat some of the shit. I don't know what the fuck to tell you. Fuck you. Next question. What? Hi, I'm Stovey and Elvis. I'm just calling about. - What are you, what are you scheming on over there? Were you trying to get the last one? - Yeah, I didn't know if there's a last one. - We'll speed through this one and then get to a last one. - Okay, hold on. Then Ben, do another one first. - Fucking idiot. I'll tell you when it's the last one. - All right. - All you need to do is Google. That's all I'm asking of you. Why are always, why, how about you handle summarizing articles fast and let me worry about when the last one comes out? - I thought it's all right. (laughing) - Wait, is this the last one or are we doing two more? - I think we're gonna do this one and another one quickly. - Okay, fabulous. - Hey Stove, Elvis. Wonderful guest. Just really not feeling like having sex anymore and I kinda wanted some advice on what to do. - Wow. - My wife and I have been married for over 10 years. We haven't been having sex for much like the last two years. Just we both got kind of fat. So I was thinking maybe just because I wasn't really attracted to myself or her. - But we got on track. - You're not the type that I hate because you gain 30 pounds. - When I checked my shit, I'm not attracted to myself. (laughing) In fact, many ways I hate myself. Anyway. - Oh, she's like 195. I'm 510, she's 511. So we're both looking pretty good. I started going to the gym again, but now that I'm thinner and she's feeling herself more, she's like wants to fuck more. But I just don't want to fuck at all. - Oh, you're depressed. - No, I thought it was 'cause I was fat and now I'm realizing that I'm just not horny at all. - Right. - Just even with other women, like, you know. - I tried cheating on my wife. - I was like, I just don't want to have sex at all. I told her, baby, it's for us, you know. - I totally knew, because I'd think back to when I was in my early 20s, and I was just like forcing myself to fuck like, disgusting women that I wasn't attracted to at all. - What is going on? - I was just like, what is going on? - You know, and now. - It's like my dick is fucking bloody dude. - I just don't want to do anything. - I got my testosterone tested in the range for where I'm supposed to be for some of my age on 36. I tried taking boner pills, but then like, I'm just sitting there annoyed that my cock is hard, you know, because like, I don't want to do anything with it. - Oh yeah, he's just sad as fuck. - You're so dull with, I kind of miss wanting to have sex. - Yeah, I miss smiling kind of freeing, it's not being like, you know. - I miss the sun. - You're by that little demon on your shoulder telling you to fuck everything, but I do miss it, and I can tell my wife's getting kind of bummed out that I'm not fucking her anymore. - Wow. - Have you guys ever had that happen like? - No. - Or yours. - Literally. - Not at all. - Literally. - Or have you always just been like, you know, I need to fuck everything. - You're talking to a man, I don't know what to do. Like, how do I make myself want to fuck? - You're just so really depressed. - Yeah. - Love the show guys. You're amazing. - Yeah, I mean, this guy's so depressed. It's so funny that he's academically tried getting horny for other women. - Holy. - If it's not T, you're talking about something psychological or biological. There's no way that this is like, you know, no, this never happened to me. - Yeah, it's not like it's like, there's a curse on me. - I've been so fat my cock doesn't work with dick pills and I've still tried to get pussy. - Totally. - And I've really had some of the worst sex of all time. - Yeah, I mean, I've been to a restaurant wanted to have sex less, but I just am kind of like, the moment someone starts kissing me, I'm like, yeah, I'm fucking gay. - Yeah. - Do you know what I mean? Like, I'm not gonna be like, no, like I'm like, no, I'm always fucking down. - But it is just depression. - This sounds like so clearly depression. - He said he is going back to the gym, right? 'Cause I feel like he's just got to find ways that he can-- - I mean, you've hidden his voice. - I know, you really can. - I've lost a lot of weight. - Yeah, but why are you losing the weight? Like, you know what I mean? Like, if you're just losing the weight to like, on paper, look better. It's like, now just start going to the gym to like, feel good. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, look, I will say that like, I wanna lose weight 'cause I fucked my back up. And it's like, there is definitely, I do think we've gotten a little out of control in terms of fat being totally healthy. - Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. - There's a little, in the community, there's a little too much of that going on. - At this point where like, fat people are healthier? - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, it's like, that's not true either, right? [BLANK_AUDIO] Oh, opposite of stairs, lower, because everything in their body works perfectly. (laughing) - Yeah, so like I get if you just wanna loot, especially in your mid-30s, like I get wanting to lose weight for it, but the fact that that hasn't helped is a big problem. - Completely. - And I think the fact that you even have seen that you've gotten healthier and the fact that your cock is getting hard and you still don't wanna fuck. - I know. - You're looking at a hard cock and you're like, - No, that just means it's like fully just your brain. - Full of your brain, bro, 'cause I'm telling you the desire to fuck can shine through. - Yeah. - It should. - It should. - It's a super power. - It's God's best. - Actually, the only biological impulse we have. - Totally. - So you are broken on a fundamental level. - Right. - Like if you can't, if you don't want to fuck, sum's off. - Yeah. - And so yeah, you gotta fuck. - Honestly, the thing is though, like you need to tell your wife. - Yeah. - Because she's gonna like, if she's not already taking it personally. - She is for shorting it. - She's gonna start resenting you at some point if she doesn't frankly already. - And I would say do your husbandly duties and dick her down with that annoyingly hard. - Yeah, I think just also try. - You're gonna have to fuck her even if you don't want to a couple times. - Right. - And is that worse than cleaning out the gutters? - Right. - And like looking at it as a chore, it's one of the best chores. Even if you're not horny, fucking your wife. - Yeah. - Pretty good chore. - Exactly. - He and Al Bundy really don't see eye-to-eye. Because he had a hot wife that I would've been, and actually Al Bundy's a great example. He was so depressed and beaten down by what life. He didn't want to fuck his horny wife. - Totally. - Do you want to be Al Bundy? - No. - If you don't go to the doctor and see why the fuck you don't want to use your cock anymore. - Yeah. - 'Cause what you're describing frankly, seconds me, you fucking make me sick. (laughing) - I wish I'd never heard your question. Give us some fun to go out on here, Benjamin. - Hi, Stavie and Elvis. I'm just calling about your episode with Chris. You gave a young man advice to take his news into the men's bathroom. - I did pause this. I did hear that we gave people the wrong advice. - What happened, sorry. - So Christopher Stephano was on and somebody called, he was babysitting his niece. And he was worried about taking her into the men's bathroom to go to the bathroom. And to me, I was like, well yeah, who cares? Just take the kid to the bathroom. Apparently, if you have a little girl, you're supposed, people DM to the fuck out of me with this. - Okay. - Where you're supposed to go into the women's room with a little girl. - And just type of alert the women's room. - 'Cause you just don't want a little kid looking at a bunch of guys hogs. - Yeah. - I can see why you had that confusion. - To me, I was like, well, I gotta go to the bathroom, taking the kid with me. - And to me, it feels so much more wrong for me to be in a woman's bathroom. Like, well, they don't want me there. So I would take the kid, but then I'm like, no. So anyway, let's let him say it. - Yeah, okay. - I think I can speak for everyone and mom, and tell you that that was 100% the wrong advice. I get where you're coming from, but-- - He's laughing at the mother's daughter. - He is doing something to me. - No, totally. - She's not talking that much. - Right now. (laughing) - A Husky voice woman with knowledge. - Yeah, she's like doing ASMR. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Use fucking idiot. (laughing) Get over here. (laughing) - You're gonna pay-- - I'm taking it into the girls' room. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're going to the girls' room. You're putting on a dress. (laughing) - Just a one of myself. No little girl needs to go into the men's bathroom and see a dick out or-- - And it's disgusting. - We're right over in there. - God knows what kind of fucking perverted men. So-- - What do you think the men's are like? We're in there fucking trying to assault each other. It's like a prison. Anyway, but I get it. - I know. - And that kind of is actually, I don't know what I'm talking about. It's disgusting in there. I shouldn't, a little girl shouldn't go there. - Yeah. - But he must know what the world is. - A little boy, it's just like, "Well, this is your life." - If you're like my brother. - You should do it. - But yeah, a little girl, it really is like-- (laughing) - Yeah, she does. She doesn't need to. - But don't you feel like so many places now have a family bathroom or one single stall. - Yeah, I mean, that's the first choice, of course. - Yeah, but if you have-- - But I guess if, yeah, if you are with some little girl for some reason, and she has to go to the bathroom, I guess you just go into the women's bathroom and just say, "Hey." Knock, knock, coming in for not hoarding. - Is that all right? - Fucked up reasons. You have to call no winestein and you go into the bathroom. And then you're like, "I'm here for it to be a good person "to this child." - Right, right. - And then they're like, "Wow, he's a good provider." - No, for sure. - You're like, "Hey, hey, ladies, stop trying to fuck me. I'm here for fuck's sake." - No, seriously. - I'm here for fuck's sake. - The only reason I'm on the surface to have this little girl be, right? - My little, my niece has to take a fat shit. - I filled her up with Kilbasa all morning and she's about to let it rip, gals. - More. - That would be so funny if you have a really wholesome moment and you take a little kid, like a six year old, and she just fucking lights it up. (laughing) We just added a third reason I want a child. - No, I mean, a little kid, like having kind of a crazy fart or something is so funny. 'Cause they come out at the same kind of volume and velocity as an adult. - Absolutely. - So epic. - Absolutely, it's awesome. So yeah, is she done? Is she done scolding me? - No. - Now let's hear more. - Ask any woman or female coming in or out of the women's bathroom and say, "I have my niece or daughter. Is it okay if I come in and use the restroom?" We are all happy to get you the all clear by checking with the woman in the bathroom. Or if there's no one in the bathroom in all the stalls, we can stand outside and let the woman know, "Hey, there's guy in there using the bathroom." - He's creepy looking, he's not worried. - He looks fucked up, but he's not gonna check out. (laughing) - Whatever. - I'm dressed in a shirt or something. - If I ever go to bed, grow with me. - Be back. - You're too paid. If I go like this, "Hey, my niece has to fucking shit." - So I'm coming in, tuts. (laughing) - Just exactly like this. - To the side. (laughing) - Pushy A, put the pushy's away. My little angel is coming in. - Ew, I don't wanna see those pushy. - Put 'em away, perves. - If you have a fucked up clam, put it away. If it's nice looking, you can leave it out. (laughing) - She's still going on. - That's kind of it. - That's kind of it. - Okay, we get it. I'm a fucking idiot. - So I learned something too. I would have taken me a while to get to that conclusion, but it does seem very obvious now. - And I guess if we had to do the math here, it's like, little girl always in the women's room, little boy, I think it's dependent on who you're with. - I agreed. - And then yeah, I think that's how it goes. - Unfortunately, boys just will have to learn. - Yeah, absolutely, absolutely. - That's fine. That's the cross we bear as the head of the household. - No 100%. - You know, when there's shit on there. - It's been an honor to be in a room with three guys by the way. Oh my God, a girl's dream of this shit. (laughing) - Wait, did I tell you that the last time I did your podcast, I got the most texts from straight guys that I've ever received in my entire life. - The way, the way a lot of the time, what happens is, when the straight men in gay guys or girls' lives demand it enough, they just text me like, hey, my cousin Brian won't leave me alone. Can I please do the podcast? That's sort of, when the straight men in every queer person or woman's life reaches a critical mass and they just are demanding it, that's when, you know. - Absolutely. - That's when you come on the Stavis world. So, it was awesome. I was getting texts like, hey, it's Will parentheses. Eliza's boyfriend. (laughing) - So fucking cool, you were on Stavis world. I was like, yeah. - This is a great way. If you're a woman who wants to be able to finally label the loose friends of boyfriends, numbers you have on your phone, you will be able to do that if you come on. - It was huge for me, really awesome. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, hopefully there's another round of that coming up. - Please guys. - Yeah, hit up Grace, if you're a straight man and enjoyed what she did on this episode. (laughing) Thank you to Ben, the Hossman Hossley, coming in, stepping in as eldest loomed over her shoulder. - Yeah, I'm happy to step in as guest producer. - Yep. - Well, eldest is on paternity leave. - That's right. - That's right. - That's right. - And some other episodes. - Ben will be here. - The father who's been here. - He is our step, he is, yes, you are the father of the, the producer that stepped up. - Right. - He's not the step producer. He's the producer that stepped up. - Right. (laughing) - Do my best. - Thank you, thank you Ben. - Good job Ben, I have a question. - Chinnote's, we'll be right to that. (laughing) - I need to act. (laughing) - All right, thank you all too. (laughing) - But that was decent, that was decent. - Yeah. - Guys, don't get used to it. - We definitely can't release the episode. (laughing) - I would like to say everyone do not get used to the levels being appropriate. If you're seeing any kind of improvement. - Right. - I promise you, Eldest will not learn from it. I promise you that. But that's gonna do for us, Grace. Thank you for being here. - I literally love being here. I love you. - I love you. - So much. - We also have a tons of our Patreon series have gotten so insane where we do one, we smoke weed, although you're not a weed guy. We also do one where we have just, we've really, we get in the cheek zone and we really get into deep philosophical questions and it's all, - What did you say the cheek zone? - Our friend, Mr. Cheek is our mystical guy through the cheek zone. So, you know, I think you'd be great in the cheek zone. - Okay, gosh, what does that mean? - Exactly, you have to be thrown in there, be wilder. - Totally, I'm happy to throw as many zins in my mouth as you want and we can, I don't know, try and do some cardio. (laughing) - Oh yeah, show up with me, the fucking soul cycle, forget about it. - Yes, let's do it. - Oh my God, that would be fun, someday. That's gonna do for us folks. We will see you next time from the vault. (upbeat music) (upbeat music)