#201 - John Wilson

Oh, welcome everyone to Stavis World 904 800 stop. Call the Stavis Hotline sponsored by Visible. We'll solve all your problems. We have on the couch today very pumped John Wilson on the couch. Honestly, the only time we've been pissed at a guest for outdoing me. No. I've been brutally hat-mogged. Oh, yeah. On my own. To beat the -- Look, I know it's an audio medium. Half you have no idea what's going on. John is wearing one of the most tremendous pieces of head where I've ever come across. He's wearing a novelty sailor's cap. It says "captain horny" on it. It was a gift. It was a gift. What did you do to earn that hat, John? I think I was -- Yeah. You were a horny lieutenant? First had the bad haircut. No, no. How dare you. That's a beautiful -- That actually does. I know you would like it. That's why I think you would. I really appreciate that. You know where I stood. I appreciate your pro horny. Which is interesting because people might not know that looking at you. Because you do -- You have -- Yeah, you look at my movies. You look at -- True. But I think maybe as a -- What's the fucking -- The guy who looks the voyeur. The documentarian is a voyeur by nature. Yeah, I think it's -- Yeah, it's kind of funny that, you know, I think documentarians don't always -- You know, they're not always forward about. Of course. You know, the kind of perversion of the documentarian. The document -- At its core is a perversion. Which I appreciate about your work. You know, because -- It's funny to lean into it. It is way leaner. And I think you have this beautiful like -- You have an invisibility cloak of looking like a mild-manored guy. Normal guy. But there's a sick fucking there. It's a real freak. There's a real horny captain in there. Yeah, you develop a sickness over the years. That's a non-fiction film maker. Absolutely. And I like it because I like when it's -- When you just -- A little glimpse. Just a little glimpse. I mean, and also as -- I should -- I should wear this -- Yeah. When I go out and shoot, I feel like -- I feel like -- I feel like -- You'll get a different -- You'll get different people coming up to you. If you ever -- Yeah. And you got Captain Hornio. [ Laughter ] It would be awesome if just one thing you do. Just -- If you -- The way you cut into these insane people's lives from time to time -- One of them is just pornographer. Just -- P-in-V on camera. I just -- I got to find the right network, you know? We're getting there, dude. Yeah. The point where nothing means anything anymore -- Yeah. We're going to get to like -- There's just a feed that everyone posts everything on. There's just a chronological -- We're -- We're getting to the slap conveyor belt. And we're all -- Eventually, we'll just put our stuff into like one, you know. Oh, the -- the feed. It will be called the feed. I mean, I -- I feel like I predicted this to myself. Oh, yeah. A little, you know, just -- I think before AI was like a real thing. I was like, you're just going to have the thing you want to see. It is -- It is made. Like -- It is made somehow. And then it just -- You watch it. And then everyone just sees what they want. You know? But like -- I don't know. I feel like we're halfway there. We're in a very strange period with AI and stuff right now, where everything's just kind of misspelled. And like -- Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I know -- Even someone who hates AI and is against it, we are up against -- It's a -- It's a real foe. Like, the idea -- Like, I love being like, fuck AI, it's not going to work. And on some level, I do think when push comes to shove, it is missing the -- There is just a intangible element. It will always miss. But that could also just be like human romanticization and the reality is, no, it's not. And nothing we do is actually that impressive. And eventually computers will figure out. And it'll do. And yes, I will be able to watch John Wick fight Goku someday. You know what I mean? Like, because of -- It's possible that they do that. And then Bulma comes out and she pulls her tits out. Yeah. That would be all. That's what you want. That is -- Yeah, and then at the end, after I be off, they just show me like steak videos. It kind of just takes -- Honestly, what's going to happen is they'll take your feet. Yeah, my feet is all, like, chicks with huge tits. People really steak. Yeah. And then, like, clips from Dragon Ball's feet. I've gotten into a Dragon Ball's feet. I'm kind of reconnecting with my youth right now. I don't know. Yeah, yeah. And so, I've gone back to comforting things. So, that's -- Yeah, no problem. Huge tits, grilled meats, and, you know, Cart TV. What was it? Did you have a -- Did you -- I remember there was an episode where you had a bunch of matrix action figures. Oh, yeah. But what was your, like, obsession as a teen or, like, young kid or whatever? Were you a DBZ guy? I was a DBZ guy. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I like DBZ a lot. Yeah. I think that's actually culturally what -- There is no greater bond for millennial men than Dragon Ball's. He across all creeds, religions, and cultures. Yeah. I mean, how -- that's how -- I was just chomping at the bit to chime in. Well, I was just gonna say, I don't even, like, anime and shit. You mean I fucked with me. Yeah, yeah. Everyone did. And, like, and black guys did too. And not just anime black guys. Like, cool black guys, like, DBZ. Mexicans love -- You'll go to Mexico City and steal mural of gold. That's the mural of Goku, like, like, hanging out with fucking Jesus. Like, Goku will be doing a bicycle kick. And, like, Mother Teresa will be fucking getting scored on in Mexico, you know what I mean? Like, there is something -- And I would love to know other cultures, because I bet you there's random nations that love Goku that we don't even fucking know about. The history of Goku. That's your next fucking -- Okay, yeah. Sorry. I don't know. I don't want to go to Comic Con. All right. Yeah, that's true. So, like, I don't want to go to Comic Con or Noncomic, actually, Goku in his non-anime zones is a kind of a -- I'm not telling you to do it. You had your own fucking -- Non-anime zones, like, go -- Like, Mexico City. Like, you know, you've -- Yeah, just throw any ideas you got to throw at. Let's pitch, yeah, yeah. And we should say the movie Tom is actually able to promote his history of concrete, which is really fucking good. They sent me -- I got sent a screener, and I watched -- I watched it so fucking high. I was like, "Damn, this is awesome." And the next day I was like, "Let me formulate some opinions and questions." And I was like, "Wait, I don't fucking remember a single thing that happened." And then I went and watched it in theaters that day, because I was like, "Fuck you, dude, I know I like this." And I also want to experience it. I even tried watching it twice high. No. For real, I watched your movie three times. I mean, that's the way to do it. Yeah, it actually -- I think there's something to that. Yeah, I think, yeah, you just kind of just let it -- yeah, I don't know. I think it's cool to see it, and I have seen it, though. It feels more transgressive. I feel like it shouldn't be there. I know what you mean, yeah, yeah. It's fun, because it's a comedy. Because the laughs are interesting, because you have an understated style that is fucking hilarious, and a lot of it is -- a lot of -- a lot of the humor for me is, like, you're caught off guard by how quickly you fucking -- you basically speaking of Goku, you basically instant transmission into different worlds. Yeah. And like, in one moment, you're at a grocery store the next moment, you know, a guy's got -- maybe one of my favorite things in the world is when that guy's got his cock on his headboard. And we just see -- we just see some guys. Kind of big cock. Yeah. Get his four-skinned stretch. And he's just a mild man or dead. That's a beautiful memory. He has. Has. Has. He's still with us. Yeah. But he stopped making the four-skinned restoration device. No. Yeah. Like, he -- I thought that the episode would kind of help boost his sales. Absolutely. The TC Tugger. Yeah. It's over. The TC Tugger's done. It's -- yeah. He stopped production. And I think he laid off his -- one of -- we're two employees. And then -- Do you think -- Now he's busking. He was busking around England doing his four-skinned restoration songs on the street. Didn't he have a wife and children? He does. Yeah. But they're -- I don't know. I get there out of the house. He's living his best life, I think. Empty Nester. I don't know. I still have my TLC Tugger. But I -- You're flipped, I assume. I -- yeah. I'm flipped. Yeah. Did you ever try to Tugger out? The Tugger was tough because I didn't -- like -- I would have needed to -- it's not fit to me. Right. You have to have it kind of -- you need -- he needs to take, like, kind of measurements of -- Oh, he needs to -- Yeah. The guy. Well, you send him in -- I don't know. I never did the four-year talk. He gave me a stock. God. Tugger. So I haven't -- I haven't -- like -- I assume it doesn't fit. Right. Because my penis is either bigger than small. You'll never know. That's this guy -- that's -- that's why this guy's a great artist. He just said it won't fit. It's up to the eye of the beholder to know why. Yeah. But, you know, there's a lot of, you know -- Dragon Ball kind of in the work, you know, a lot of powering up. There is a lot of powering up. Yeah. You know, that's kind of what concrete -- you know, that's in there, too. I don't know. Yeah. Well, I was just saying, like, watching -- yes, it was awesome to see it. And if you're in New York, you should go see it at IFC. If they're playing it somewhere because it is cool to see -- I mean, also just like the -- you're around people that would go, see the move. People you agree -- there's like a weird sense of community when you see something in a place different than normal. Yeah. Like, people like your show, you know, for years -- It was the show you had was how to with John Wilson great if you haven't seen it fucking watch that I don't know you probably don't make any fucking money anymore of that do you I don't know really do you get a little dime Oh when they go to HBO Max wga sends me some checks. Oh, okay, but it's not really that much anymore. That's fuck's dude Yeah, so actually fuck watching No, no, you should watch it. It makes any sense to me. I don't like yeah, it's just like Everything is I don't know Yeah, you kind of just have to make shit and hope somehow it leads to money. Yeah, again I don't know how this happened that this is the only this is the only industry that makes money and entertainment I don't know how podcasting yeah the worst one Truly the least art form of art there ever was like a what if radio was shittier is the question Yeah, how did we become the only thing when it's like yeah your shit is you'll follow and another thing I love is you'll just randomly just I love the just needle it like not needling But like just kind of seeing how far people will take it politely though You're never anybody's face, but you'll you'll randomly ask someone to go on a road trip with them for example Yeah, or you'll ask someone or you'll fly to Rome. Yeah, because you heard the Roman Empire head self-healing concrete Which one of my favorite parts of the document I know I was yeah It was nice to have the different languages in this in this picture. Yeah, yeah, you know, I had trying to Communicate with like Italian cops. Yeah, yeah, really great for comedy. Yes. Yes. Yes, they were awesome They were those guys are great and then you try you and they did have self-healing concrete, which is fucking fascinating Yeah, like the liar some shit. It was like yeah Mechanic ash. Yeah, yeah, like the limestone. I don't know some some every time it rained mixture It would it would self-heal if there was a crack again. This is like how the pitches went, which is why yeah Like I wouldn't like have any money if for a while. Yeah, yeah, yeah You know, you're just like giving people like real like kind of reference textbook facts about yeah cement and concrete and ecological kind of horror stories about it. Yeah, but and then by the end of it like there They're just so bored Yeah, I mean, it's a weird pitch. Yeah, and because then it's hard to be to exhale that stuff and then say like but something fun Then but something funny is gonna happen Which it shouldn't be by the way because like of course like It's the set like you're you're like this is the set up all concrete is the set up and you find the series of punch lines Throughout it you find the humanity you find the like that's the whole thing and if these fucking dumbasses had seen one episode of your show They would they should understand what you were going. No, it doesn't if if I had to like pitch any other Titles any other like episodes from the show the same way that concrete would have been just as hard. Yeah, where it's like You it's I'm like, I don't know what's gonna happen, you know, yeah, we'll take roughly a year or two And I'm just gonna you know follow whatever is funny I don't know how many it was a couple years. Yeah, it's like two two and a half years. Okay. It's good It's fucking awesome. It's hilarious. Oh Yeah, sure and we I do want to go back though before I do want to close the loop on you were a DBC What other stuff where you went through as a child what what what was the what was the type of shit you were playing with playing with or that like You know peaked your interest as a young as a young boy. I think I was uh, I don't know. I was always a movie kid Okay, I always had like movies Around yeah, I don't know I VHS kid or like a yeah VHS kid. Yeah, I would edit VHS tapes together Oh, wow. Holy fuck and just like make weird stuff like in camera you would do edits. Yeah, yeah, really I don't know It was fun, but I don't know I was in like musicals as a kid too, you know I would add flair. Yeah, I was in damn Yankees And yeah, I played like the baseball like hunk Yeah, you know and it's what's that's not funny It's not funny. It makes sense. I'll make sense shut the fuck up back there We're trying to do an interview that people are interested in you're going to find right. Sorry. I was thinking of something else I know I know John is captain horny. Yeah, how dare you besmirch captain horny's ability to read as a heartthrob in middle school Yeah, on the day of my podcast appearance Not this captain horny when he's got the hat on elders for fuck's sake Yeah, give yourself a boo you piece of shit Did you see yourself a hunk at that point in your life? No, I was I was like a I was a you know my hair was dyed black I you know I had like black fingers. I was like kind of the emo it was like long island emo, you know long island Like that. I had a big phase like that, you know Duster you ever with duster. Duster you go full length. I know no no post-columbine tough. No, no, no, yeah, not columbine She more just like I don't know type like title thing. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, some stripes. Maybe yeah No, it's like a period of like where I kind of was just was with the emo kids for a second and then But you know, I still have a great fondness for that. I didn't realize I thought that everyone in the world was emo at that time I realized that it was like like like a long island specific like being in certain ways Well, you had two options at all long Island that that period it was emo or it was pretend to be black Basically, it would be like yeah, it was a word that we're not saying anymore, but everybody knows what it W and it runs with a horrific slur. Yeah, that word that word was bandied about a lot. Oh, yeah But that was basically like if growing up our long Island was like and was like a fucking final fantasy or whatever You could do the like the the like tree the chart the skill tree or whatever the fuck Uh-huh. You had to decide whether you're gonna go emo or you're gonna be at Friend of the show Brendan Sagalo for example like a fat little long Island kid that would that died his hair blonde to be like M&M Oh, you got to go M&M or you got to go like sort of Again, not Charles taking back Sunday. Yeah, taking back Sunday. That's the one. Yes. Yes. Yes Yeah, that was I didn't realize that so many of those bands were just from Long Island when I was like Listening to them and stuff. Interesting. I don't know. I did not think I would be talking about this too Well, we need to figure out what Captain Horny's No, this shit's fascinating though because it's like when you're so when you're like an emo child Or is that one that when did the camera first start come out because I will say it's so pathetic to think about I used to do a podcast on my little cassette Like my parents gave me like one of those cassettes with a microphone Yeah, and my grandfather from Greece would send tapes of Greek music and I remember my dad getting pissed at me Because I was like I was taping over my grandfather like mixed tapes he was making It was maybe one of the only forms of communication, you know two two generations of repressed emotional men Yeah, my dad and grandfather never Got to the bottom of how My dad moved into America and I could tell that was the great in hindsight. That was the great Like regret of my father's life that he'll never admit and now he's just by the way repeating the same mistakes Whatever whatever. It's what it's fine. Yeah, but as a fucking fat seven-year-old I would hear like Folks, we have some more shitty music to cover over and I would just be like and I was like so today I was and I was just I was literally podcasting pathetically in my in the little like computer room I'll just remember the little room Off my living room mean else if known each other's we were four years old. Yeah In before I jacked off in there I used to be podcast at like seven hilariously and I would just talk By myself and if I heard a good song, I'd be like hey, this was not bad. Yeah, but anyway, so what I'm saying is I do feel like very early on There's just signs that you're going to be who you are where you bring in the the mini DV out when you're yeah Well, I was shooting on like hi eight and I don't know there was like, you know, there was them there was the music You know music phase, but they you know, it was like blended with the movie phase. I think to begin with but it was there were never emo films Never emo film. No, they were like they were kind of like movie spoofs for a while. Oh six just like you know But they all have my name in it, you know John war branding like smart John work orange Nice Because you're thinking at the time as well. I'm a brand these are brands and I'm a brand. Yeah, time to cut time to John John X clockwork This is what the people have been wait. This is the collapse. Yeah, people have been waiting We did a lot of Kubrick like like full metal John was another have Fuck dude. I want the criteria on the John collection It's I want to be on a turtleneck talking about how groundbreaking it's on all the all the tapes I gave like I In like around college or something I went over and I watched all the tapes at a friend a neighborhood friend's house That we would make the movies with and I left them all there and I don't know where they are now So it's like which you know if there's any gum shoes out there. Yeah -Get out there. -They're out there, but I hope you don't find them at the time. I do. I'll just hire a gum shoe to get this good-of-long island to start harassing everyone that ever bought it, taking back Sunday album. -Yeah, get out of there. -Long Island medium. Or Long Island. What is it that show? Long Island Psychic? -I believe it's Long Island medium. -Long Island medium. Didn't somebody just have a joke about jerking off the long Island medium sun in a parking lot? I think they did. I think I knew someone. -Fuck. -That's a joke. -Yeah, it was a joke. I think she started mentioning that she hangs the Long Island medium out there. And you think it's just color. And then it all comes back around it. It actually turns out she jacked off his son in a car. -Lowness. -You heard it here. One of my friends maybe had a joke about it. It feels like from the open mic days that feels like I heard that at Creek in the Cave. -Well, you know, if it wasn't true, you manifested, I think. -True. -Yeah, yeah. -Well, someone sun jerked off the long Island medium sun. -Yeah, yeah. That's what you can do. -You're someone's daughter. -I'm not joking. Maybe someone sun jerked off the long Island medium sun. I don't fucking know what he was up to. I love finding those tapes. I've been going on a lot of estate sales and looking for tapes of like things that like, you know, it's gonna say like wedding or something outside. But then like a couple of times it has been classically like recorded with like pornography or like some other weird shit. -I love it on it. -I mean, my brother's found my father's pornography and it said Barney and it was literally. And it starts as Barney. So at one point, it had Barney on it. And I guess my dad was like, "All right, my fucking bitch has sons of outgrown Barney. Time to jack off." And literally, we've talked about it before. It was speaking of spoof. It was a fast times at Ridgemont High spoof. It was called like fast times at Ridgeley High or. -And that was the erotic film? -Yeah. He taped over it. So I guess he bootlegged fast times at Ridgeley High over a Barney post. What was it called, Elders? Did you find it? -You're looking for it? -I promised you I could find the title in one second if I chose it. -It would have been so much cooler if it was like a Barney like, like purple man. -He takes the shit off. -Yeah. -The guy takes the stuff. -He cuts a hole in his cock. And we just got through an off brand purple dinosaur thing. Interesting. And was it amateur pornography? -No. It was like, it was produced stuff, but I don't know. I'm always just looking for like, if there's ever like a tape and a camcorder at like a thrift store. It's like, there's always something like that's never been digitized on there. - Totally. -Which is like, I don't know what I do with this stuff. I usually just like, just throw them out or like sell it at a yard sell or something. -After you digitize it? -Yeah, I look through it. Some of it's not worth digitizing and not worth like, you don't, like some of it, you just like don't want to have. -Sure. -Sure. So you have an incinerator in the office. -Yeah. -I see what you're saying. -I don't know. You roll the dice. -You buy everything cash. You want no paper trail. Some of these random, long island video tapes from the '90s. Yeah. I don't know. It's crazy. People don't have nuance about the kind of stuff with art making. It's like, I think about the P.V. Herman doc a lot, not to go full P.V. -Sure, he's a police. -Please go full P.V. -You pull your pupils as they go, so they're stacking off. -Well, not it. -He had all this vintage erotica in his place. -Spec. -But when the cops found it, they tried to make it seemed like that was braved. -Yeah, to braved or something like that. But it was like, you know. -Yes, that's surprising. -I don't know. But it's also like these are like kind of beautiful paper at the same time, you know. And it's like, as a collector or just like, as just like an artist who's doing weird shit like that, you do have a bunch of weird shit. -Of course. -I'm not, it sounds like I'm trying to dig one. -It's like, dig my stuff out of the hole. -It's found. I was looking at that stuff artistically. -I'm more so just like. -I know exactly what you mean. -I'm into people. I wish people were more open about the weird shit that they maybe had in their house. -Of course. -I don't know. -Well, but not that everyone's just constantly denying it. But I think it's like. -I know what you mean, though. I think that's a lot of what your work is, truly. It's like, you know, not to tell you what your own shit is. But what I love about it is that, yes, you start with something that's like how the history of concrete, or how to fucking make restaurant, or how to split the bill or whatever the fuck, right? And it's like, "Oh, what is this bullshit?" What is this, some fucking, like, you know, it almost feels like the trappings of the like, you know, school sex sets. Or like, you know what I mean? Like, these old, almost like, newsreel footage of how to brush your teeth. You know, how to wash your teeth or whatever. -Yeah. -Rust your teeth. Not, you know, whatever. How to, like, have hide, you know, whatever. And immediately, you know, your POV's interesting. It's like, "Wait, is this just some fucking guy holding the camera?" And then you take these. What seems like banal questions. You're like, "And then you just dive into these worlds and peel apart how even the most bullshit question, the most simple bullshit question, there are so many layers of humanity underneath. And so much weird, everything is so interconnected. And that's, there's so much, I, that's one of the things I love about all your stuff. And so it makes so much sense to me that you're like, "What is this seemingly normal object? And what does it tell us about the people that owned it?" Or like, you know, and, and particularly video. I, like, that is fascinating. Because people in the 80s and 90s, they thought no one would ever see their fucking home. -Yeah, no. -You could really go buck wild back then. There was no, yeah. There was no getting hacked. No one had to worry about the shit on their phone. And I bet you there was some really good amateur pornographer that will never see, that will never see the people going. Because even now, if you're getting, if you're taking a video for yourself, getting your things, like, hypothetically. In the back of your phone. -On your phone. -On your phone. You're scared that someone will hack into your phone and see your little eyes, thick, hypothetically. -Yeah, yeah, that's why you just don't, yeah, I don't do stuff like, I don't, I don't have anything like that on my phone. -I believe you. -Yeah. I think I, I think you would make a million dollars if you took some kind of like, unhackable, but if someone hacked your- -Everybody camera. -Okay. If you, I think that's a great idea. -Yeah, any- -You got the hackable porn out there. -Yeah. -You can immediately get tagged. -I know. Yeah, like, hello sharks, yeah. Mark Cuban, if you ever worried that people will see your penis and say it's not that big, even though you're getting it sucked by an objectively pretty hot girl. -But if you're like, if my logic is like, even if you do have nasty stuff and someone hacks it on your phone, it's like, that's bad on them. -Sure. -It's like, if anyone is viewing this thing that was meant to be private, I don't know, depending on the severity of what the thing is. -Of course. -But like, it's kind of like, you know, and, you know, easier to say as like, I don't know, as a guy, too. I don't really. -Yeah, yeah, yeah. -But it's like, it's- -We're from the edge porn. We're off to worry about that. -Yeah, that's like an extremely shameful act, kind of behavior, you know? So it's like, but I think about that, like, I, you know, I don't like to have, I don't know. Like, sometimes I keep my blinds, you know, down, because I just like- I just don't like the thought of someone maybe, like, filming inside my apartment or something like that. -Like, you lurking out there. -Yeah, but it's like, I don't know. But, you know, if it- but if that were to happen, that's bad on them. -Right. -You know, depending on how it's like used or- -So do you see the, like, surreptitious footage you obtain as bad on you? -No. I feel like it's- I like to be on the razor's edge of kind of what's okay and what's not. I think that's what makes it kind of exciting. -Yeah, yeah, yeah. -And, I don't know. It's like, I feel like I told you this before, but, you know, I used to work for a private investigator for a little while. -I love that. -And, like, what are my favorite details about you? -And it was, I don't know, you trained your eye in a certain way. And I think there's something, like, more kind of erotic about the banal, you know, sometimes. And, like, even just, like, a funny gesture or something like that can be, like, so much more exciting. -Oh, yeah. -Then, like, a fucking car crash. I mean, no offense if your movie is a car crash. -Yeah. -Yeah, you're insistent on the front end of the car crash. -If your status special ends with a, uh, out of nowhere, car crash, for example. -Oh, yeah. The car crash looked really good. Yeah, you guys did a great special. -Thank you. Thank you. Appreciate it. I do what, briefly, the private- how long did you do that? Because that is- I've always been obsessed. I really love detective, private eyesh*t. I love all that stuff. Like, and I know the reality of it is so much, it's not a guy with a fucking trench coat. There's no, like, the game with red lipstick. -No, I mean, it's guys that look like, you know, like what? No, it's just like a guy in a tinted minivan. -Yes, yes. -Like, it's really the most unromantic thing. They just have a license, you know, and they just, like, go out. They'll stick out someone's house for hours waiting for them to get out. Like, walk out of their wheelchair, you know. -Right, right. It's mostly insurance, right? -Yeah, like, workman. - Yeah, we're compensation kind of stuff. But you know, I would take, they would have broken cameras and stuff and I would always take them and kind of like tinker with them and like try to, you know, I would use them for myself. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - I also like started a blog where I would like take some of the footage and like kind of like make little, like gifts out of it. But you know, it's just for like me and 10 friends or something because it's, you know, you can't really like, you can't do that. - No, you can't do that on the clock. - Yeah. - In the middle of an ongoing investigation. - Yeah. - But yeah, that is what always shock to be about a private eye. It's like, it's literally just a guy. It's a guy being annoying. - It's a guy, no, there's no other, it's a guy like being nosy and asking questions. - It's not that hard, too. It's like there are certain databases that you could just access as a civilian also. - Yeah. - It's like not really that hard to look up every known associate, every, you know. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Like place you've ever worked lived, you know, it's like, it's not that hard. - Did you do any investigating for your own, like did you do, was ever like, and when you wanted to take down, they got dirt on, you have any enemies. - Never really, enemy focused. (laughing) - No, we're, I don't know, I think like. - Even for fun, was there a guy you didn't like, you're like, I bet this guy did something fucked up. Or do you know, do you take no joy from that type of thing? - I don't know. - I feel like I, you know, I never, I try, one that when I start to get into exposé territory, I begin to be like, what's going on here? - Right. - Like, if I'm really digging up dirt, it's like the person's gotta be, I think, pretty evil or something. - Yeah, I just meant for yourself, not even for work, like, if you ever, 'cause I do have a friend who, anytime somebody crosses him or or us or anybody, he knows some of these databases and we found some hilarious stuff out about people. - Oh yeah. - But that's just for us. Just to laugh, we would never expose them. We also did a really funny thing where we, there was a different time where you can just, there was, we had a different enemy and you can, and he had like some, you know, I don't remember what it was, like drunk driving or maybe this guy pulled his dick at like, a different, like, sexual, like, you know, I think he pulled his dick out or something, like a peep, like, not peeping Tom's shit, but like, you know, exposed himself to somebody. And you can request the MP3s of the court recording. - Oh really? - But on the docket, it'll say someone requested these files. So a sort of light, devious thing to do is never, never, like, use the information for evil, but just, it's possible that they got a call from their lawyer, like, hey, just so you know, someone asked for the transcript and the MP3 of this, and that, if somebody wronged you, look up their old cases and look up information, I bet it will at least make them think, like, fuck, who's looking into this? - Oh wow. - Yeah. - I love, I do have revenge is something I like and, you know. - I mean, yeah. - It's something I take great personal joy from, and you know, I don't know. - Yeah, I feel like I've done that. - I mean, I've made a couple of kind of revenge or kind of spite films, I think, just like when someone wasn't paying me, for like, a gig or something. - Of course. - Like, yeah, I made this, like, yeah, this guy, owed me like $1,000 at one point, and I just like, he was not responding to me, and I did something really juvenile, you know? I mean, this was like a while ago, but I was just like, I called, I looked up his LinkedIn, I called every single place he used to work, and talked to the boss and said, this guy owes me money, and they're just like, "This is not the place to work." (laughing) - What a funny, imagine being that boss, I'm like, okay, the fuck do I get some coder that worked for me nine months ago? Some dickhead, I don't know, $1,000? - Yeah, I was on like a kind of a reputation, like, kind of, uh, spree. (laughing) - Just in case he needed to go back. - Yeah. - Go back to his old employer. - I don't think twice the next time they offer a reference. (laughing) - Yeah, man. I don't know, I just, you know, I think it's not right. - Yeah, I agree, and fuck that guy, by the way. - Fuck that guy. - That's what I say as well. He's a fucking piece of shit. (laughing) - You grew up on Long Island? You were born in Queens, right? - Yeah. - And then you're, and now you're a Queens boy. - Yeah, I'm back here in Queens. - Yeah, I think I've spent more time in Queens at this point than Long Island, but yeah, I grew up, I went to Skull in like, - Got you, got you, got you, got you. - Um, but yeah, I don't know. I always just wanted to be back in the city. - I get that. - Just because like, I think Long Island's a cool place to grow up, and I feel like I'm appreciating it more now that like I am an adult, I have a car. - Totally. - I can just like see different parts of it, and there's just like, it's not, I don't know. There's a lot of interesting stuff there. - Yeah, I don't think I'd ever, I'd go on to do a movie. There was a gig at a movie series that was pretty good that I did a couple of years ago, and a buddy just got married there, so I drove out all the way to the end of it, and it was fucking nice. - Where, where, how do you eat? - It was like, it was all the way Montac. - Oh, cool. - And I'd never been out there. I mean, the weather sucked dick. It was a nor Easter, whatever. But it was, I was like, "Wait, why the fuck haven't I ever gone to Long Island?" Or like, or like gone thrifting or some shit, or like gone to the beach or something? Like, it is funny that it's like-- - It's a couple wrecks, I don't know. - Yeah, you're right. - It's like, 'cause yeah, it is like hard to find the diamonds, I think, sometimes we don't know. There's a great burger spot I think you'd like. - All right. - All American burger. - Hell yeah. - It's the best. It's got like 90s prices, you know. - Great name too. - Yeah, it's delicious. Got robbed recently. - Someone's fucking text you. (laughing) - It's better be good. It's the first mate on the SS horny. Captain horny, there's a lot of pussy here. We need someone to fuck it. (laughing) - Sorry, I'm trying not to lie about it. - No, it's all good. I don't give a fuck at all. - I just hate, I hate like getting text messages. - I know what you mean. And if you have a group chat too, 'cause sometimes it's like, wait, is it an emergency happening or like did one of my friends just have a fucking meatball sub and wants to tell me and eight other fat guys about it? And you never know if it's like an emergency is happening or the toughest thing of all time. Or someone wants to say, you know, that someone wants to give their resident evil opinion. You just don't know which one if you're getting blown up via text. - I don't know, do you find, I don't know. Yeah, I like to have a certain kind of like peace, I think when I'm like not actively, I don't know. Like when I'm like shooting something or doing some, I don't know. I just like when I'm getting like a bunch of text messages, I'm just like, it really takes me out of like whatever is, I mean, this is not new, but it's like. - Yeah. - It really does like distract me and I'm just like, not that people can't text me. You can text me. - It sounds like you're fucking going on record. Don't text, if you have my number, don't fucking text. - I just, if I'm on the stop, it don't text me. - Don't text, when the captain's here, man, when the SS is dock downstairs and he's about to get off and his ship is full of girls with huge tits down there. Do not text him, do not text him. I mean, I feel like, when you're in the middle, like 'cause I feel like all the text is shit, 'cause I'm with you, I feel like I've just existed in a state of perpetual. I just gave over to perpetually being unfocused. Like everything I've had a really, I've done a lot of shit the last this year and I don't think I was locked in for one moment. In fact, for months, I was really addicted to edibles. Like I was doing, I was acting so high sometimes. 'Cause a lot of times you have to talk. That's the secret with acting. You're like, oh, this is a visual medium. I just have to be in the background making a fat face. I should be like, I never do that five times. So there were, and look, I wasn't planning to be fucked up. I just hadn't figured out that before. You know, you smile, you frown. Yeah, you smile, you frown. There's like, there's like, and it's not, listen, it's easy for me 'cause I, let me also be very clear. I respect the good actors. The stuff I do is like so easy. It's like bully somebody. It's like, you know, be horny, you know, whatever. Well, you were in some Civilian, what was the most recent thing you're in? Tony, the movie. Tony, oh, it's great, yeah, great job. Thank you. But that was super fun 'cause it was just, you know, I like that movie. It's a very, yeah, a nice, normal movie. Normal movie, Matt needed to make a normal movie. Normal. No one's killing themselves in this one. There's no, there's no, yeah, there's no time travel or school shooting. Yeah, I watched that. I just watched that Billy Eilish tour documentary. It was a good documentary too. James Cameron directed it. Oh fuck. Yeah. That's so funny. I forgot. So it must be good. She's doing it all underwater. It's pretty easy. Yeah. She's in a hyperbarrot. Does he like Billy Eilish's songs? It seems like it's just like you look at this filmography right now when it's just like Terminator. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. This like avatar Billy Eilish. Aliens. Yeah. And it's like, but I think he's kind of doing some how-to stuff in there in the Billy Eilish that you think you think fucking shit. Well, he's like holding the camera and talking to Billy from behind the camera in this way that I've never seen him do before. Should we go fuck his ass up? I'm just saying, James, don't text Captain Horny and he's coming for you. Yeah. James Cameron, I am angry that you made all the movie theaters convert to digital for Avatar, the first one. Oh, yeah. So. Yeah, I think that is that him. Is that why films out? I think that it was a big reason like around 2009 And that's why a lot of 35 systems went out get the fuck out. Yeah, fuck so Mother Jim if you took them out you are responsible for bringing them back put them back Make a movie on film you fuck enough with the sea. Yeah, make a movie on film you coward. Yeah, how about how about this get a lady painter Tits blue. Is that so hard Jim? Yeah, can we get Paul guys paint them blue Instead of this and shoot it on 35 you mother fuck shoot it on 70 for all I give a fuck seven shoot it on That's too hefty. We have the back to 35 I don't know we have the Odyssey on my friend Spencer made us the Odyssey VHS that we've been playing That's what at the movie theater. Oh, yes, by the way the cool the other shit you've done that's like that dream is your own movie theater Which is so fucking cool in Ridgewood. Do you feel like people must know your exact address at this point, right? I don't know I've been a bars, you know I've been a bar is in people someone I've never seen before will just come up and be like you know I'm your backyard neighbor. Yeah, and I'm just like I don't want to know don't tell me that But it's fine. I get it. I'm just like, but I also just like I think it's like easier The relationship to me is like is easier in a certain way when you're just like Out there and like the terms are very much that and it's like, you know if people want to you know people don't make you feel as uncomfortable I feel like when you really put yourself out. Yeah, that's true and like it's like and I'm just like you know If I'm working at the movie theater, I'm just like making popcorn. Yeah, and it's like they treat you like someone making popcorn of course You know and that's it if yes, you you have to set the like I'm a I'm a guy at work man. Yeah, and you can talk to me because like you talk to a guy work But ultimately I got to get back to work. Yeah, yeah Ultimately the fucking the butter is not the poppers. I got a butter. It's not gonna butter itself So you you have this fucking awesome theater in Ridgewood. What was the like what's the process where you just where you just like Yeah, I'm obviously doing this did something come up like what is the the brief story or were you just like I need to have a movie theater in my neighborhood? Yeah, I don't know. I just I felt like I mean, I open up my friends Davis and Cosmo Cosmo and I had been ambient and ambiently kind of talking about it for years and then We finally found a spot. I don't know. I think it's just like a natural kind of thoughtless thing you do as like a movie freak you just like yeah, okay, this will probably happen one day. Yeah, yeah, but then I don't know I just like I feel like The size of it is cool, and you know, it's all an experiment just to like You know, I think people I think things became so big with your kind of regals and AMC types that you know I mean those are cool, but yeah I think that like the city used to be like have so many tiny theaters in it, you know and yeah, and like I think it's just kind of a shame that They were all kind of wiped out during the Giuliani, you know, years. Yeah, James Cameron and Rudy Giuliani. Yeah, the biggest piece. I know you guys Man, they just were trying to clean up. Yeah, because I guess they cleaned them up because people are beating their shit in there or what? What do you think? Yeah, but just like that should be there should be there should be that should be okay I do agree with you. You're not in a serious city if there's not one place you can jack off in public. Yeah, I mean one place Montreal's got a sex theater exactly. Yeah, and it's just like sure I'm a culture. I mean, I want to own it or like whatever you don't want to own the jack off. Yeah, probably not but I agree But someone does it's true. Can I tell you something? You might have to take the hat off You don't want to own the jack off theater. You're kind of sending these messages. Are you captain or are you merely Admiral or wait? Is Admiral better? I think it is actually well, I'll get you one of those hats. Oh, I would look it's got to be big like Captain Crunch's Fuck I just shopped your fucking theater. We're in that I'm fucking horny now Wilson you piece of shit come to my podcast with a cool Admiral is hired in rank than cap give me one day break him. Oh, wow, okay. Oh shit. I don't have the full rank. Oh Jesus Christ You could not you couldn't have foreseen that good you fatherhood hasn't dulled your podcasting instincts at all I'll just I'll say that sharpen sharpen But yeah, I mean, I think it's cool that I know this is really good book The Samuel the Samuel Delaney book Times Square Red Times Square blue. Oh sick where he you know He was like a he's like a sci-fi writer, but he used it's kind of like a first-person account of what it was like in the 70s in the Times Square kind of porno theaters actually driver type shit. Yeah. Yeah, like really like graphic kind of in detail Like what it was like, but you know his argument is for is that it's like a primal need that like a lot of people as we as a species have that it's like going to come out in some way yeah, and but but it's like the way that it happens in a place The places in like a city like we have now is like it happens in bathrooms or like whatever Which is like heavily policed and then they like basically like criminalized right homosexuality or just like whatever like you know The people they usually cruise in those areas. Yeah, it's like so like having a space like that even though it is like I Don't know. I know exactly. I mean implicitly by not having a space like that. It's like basically argument was like look Yeah, guys aren't gonna not suck each other off in public. Yeah, so let's it's sort of the hamster damn argument from the wire It's sort of the like what's that do you ever so the wire and I really watch them. Oh, you got to check it Yeah, I know what the fuck I know there there's one guy who bases like let's legalize Like drug use on this one block and that way it's like we get people resources We do all the other shit. Whereas like when it's sort of a way to implicitly sort of like keep it's like Only proper only proper behavior is allowed and that what's implied there is that like there is a way to behave And there's a way to not behave and like do you guys are all degenerate sick freaks where it's like we all know That at the top of our fucking society is the biggest freeze in the world exactly It's sort of the thing where they've actually priced out regular people from being freaks that don't sex traffic people Everything has happened. It's like you either you either have to jack off on the subway or you have to be on Epstein's island Even like being a sexual deviant has been like one percented in America Yeah, that's like listen if you're successful enough you get your own island and we don't care what you do on yeah Exactly, but no theaters God forbid what if a fucking guy from Iowa's taking is also fat wife to see You know lame is stumbles and the one and you know they write an email like who fucking cares? Go back to fucking Iowa We jack off in the city. Yeah, yeah, I'm gonna I'm gonna read that. I think for a healthy. Yeah civilization I think you might need some stuff like that. I some release valves some release valves. Yeah, you know It's it's about you know, it's about taboo. It's about shame, you know, and it's like like yeah Everyone is doing crazy. I mean, you know shame is a is it it's very powerful. It's like soft power Where it's like you don't have to legislate things if you just shame them Implicitly or explicitly. Mm-hmm. That's what I mean what you're saying resays that with me because when I was in Amsterdam I the first time I went I was like 20 or whatever and I was like Fucking party. I'm gonna smoke Fucking get my head or whatever. I'm like well, this must be like, you know, it must be like spring fucking break Dude, it's gonna be awesome. And then you're guilty. And it's just like a really low key nice city and like the red light district is like Not that far from our like park where like families are playing and you're like, oh This is not this at all. This is just Humanity for real. These are people who are like not in denial about people's desires and needs and want to do them all in a Safe way and then also have a society that doesn't it felt very like shame-free, but not sometimes when people are like Shames holding specs like yeah, you're right. And then they overdo it and they have no shame. That can be a real big problem Yeah, yeah, so I felt like when I was in Amsterdam, I was like, this is I'm fucking Goldilocks right now This shit is just right for me. Yeah, you know like it like so we should have a couple but we should have a couple broth Well, yeah, I remember my dad had a really funny idea growing up where he like, you know, we had kind of a dead main street And he always just like but joke about wanting to rent one storefront and just never open it But just have just have a sign that says adult outside of it And just like kind of see how And like if the community would would revolt. Yeah, they you know, they definitely would just like the word adult like what does that mean? 100% just having it out there might start some civic pride. Yeah, and like pink letters. Yeah, yeah, I mean I remember there was a fight when I was they were trying to make a bar They were trying to zone a bar where I grew up for live music and I remember Every mom in the neighborhood Realizing like oh, that's the same zoning you need for a strip club and that they were and this is Baltimore in the 90s So they're like obviously if we allow this they're just gonna turn Listen to like strip clubs or whatever which now I'm thinking like maybe my mom fucked up fighting that tooth and nail Oh, yeah, because she did I mean, I don't know, you know morality changes throughout ones lifetime. That's true. I mean, I get where she was coming from. She's right. She was objectively right at the time. Our neighbor was fucking dog shit. Yeah. I mean, there was something like I kind of, I mean, I, in hindsight, maybe kind of nice, like about the how kind of sanitized, like a lot of my long island upbringing was in a certain way, or I'm just like, I don't know. I didn't feel like I was repressing anything, but I was like, I don't know. I like the different stages of things that I, you know, at the times I access them in a certain way. I know what you mean, where I'm like, it's nice to be able to just like, let a kid start their like adult life fresh. Start a kid starting at zero, right? Or even like, you want something, you want something kind of bland. Like I think about that where it's like kids who grew up in Manhattan, it's like, they should be like on a registry site. Like these are people that like went to rehab at 11. Like these are people who's like, you know, you know, like stockbroker, like, you know, older cousins got, you know what I mean? Like killed themselves because they had a bad, they watch somebody jump off a fucking, you know, like penthouse and just kill, you know what I mean? Like they're just, they've experienced so much shit where it's like, you want people to have, I do think like raising kids, you want them to just kind of boring. You also want them to have some baseline shit to kind of lightly rebel against. Yeah. Like kids who are like atheist children, it's like, no, man, you have to realize this is dumb at 11. Like you need to, you have to believe in this implicitly so that then when you're fucking, when you're 13, you can be like, wait, is this all fucking bullshit? Is this, you know what I mean? Like I almost feel like you, I don't know, I've thought about this a lot because, you know, he had a kid, my brother had a kid, my other best friend had two kids. So like, I think I'm definitely in the uncle zone. I don't think I'm going to be a kids. I've realizing recently like, wait, I think having like four babies that I actually care about is enough for me. Sure. But I have been thinking about like, wait, how do we make that? Cause I'm like, dude, your kid's going to grow up. Your kid is lit. It's first year is in Williamsburg. That's disgusting. I know. Imagine that sucks dick, dude. We had, we had, we had my wife's birth deliver doing a check in on, at the apartment the other day. And we're like, you know, we live in the one and a half bedroom in East Williamsburg and she was like, we're like, yeah, we can't believe we have like a baby in here. She's like, it's okay. I can tell you guys are simple people. But you know, he'll have a humble beginning. Simple people. So she could tell you Albanian basically. She saw them reaching on your forehead. She was very surprised. I was Albanian. Well, my wife said that she's like, what? She was like, she's stuck on it for a few beats. She's like, you're Albanian. I would have never, I've never been able to tell you. You haven't sexually harassed me once. Yeah, she was shocked. But yeah, she said we're simple people. Wow. Are there a lot of Albanians in the neighbor in Ridgewood? Where do you, where do you encounter Albanians? There's a, there's a, there's a, you seem to be very pro pre-podcast. Yeah, I mean, I, I, I think the Albanians are doing some cool stuff in the neighborhood. Yeah, they are. I like, I've turned around on them due to them, them kind of destroying Jared Kushner's forklifts and stuff. They're trying to like build, they're trying to, you know, make fucking West Bank too in Albania right now. Yeah, yeah. But shout out to the, shout out to the fucking, what is it? Shiptar, what do you say? Shiptar, yeah. Shiptar people. I don't know. Yeah, there's a couple bars and they, they know how to make a, they know how to keep the neighborhood social. It's, it's, it's nice. Like they, they, they know, they have a lot outdoor seating. They, you know, yeah, it's a little relaxed like what the rules are. Albanians love to hang and not really do that much. Exactly. Just pound a few coffees out and, you know, yeah. Yeah, ultimate, I mean, you know, ultimately, it's just that, that European should have like, let's hang, let's say what's up to our neighbors. I mean, the funniest thing in the world, one thing that stuck with me the first time I watched it. Like this, maybe this was season one of the show where you just like would hang out with your, I assume, Polish landlady. She was, she's sloppy. She was like, she was, what is it? You go, you go slavian before they split. Serbian. Serbian. Yeah, yeah. Serbian. Okay. Yeah. You would chill with your Serbian landlord watching. Yeah. That was a very cute. That was very wholesome relationship. But it was very funny that you watched. Jeopardy every night. Was it really every night with your old landlady? Yeah. Yeah. And she would, you know, she was, she didn't really understand like it. She doesn't speak English very well. Yeah. Yeah. Listen, you don't have to explain those people to me. Yeah. Every, every half our family was that like I saw that lady. I was like, that's his grandma. That's my. Like that, that instantly. I was like, I have 100% had that experience, but it was my own grandmother. You had like a, you had a bulk and grandmother basically for a couple years. There's something about the neighborhood where like being named John is really helpful. Because it's monosyllabic and it's a, it's a name every culture has. But all the poll, like so many Polish people, so many Albanian people in the neighborhood are named John. Like my, I have multiple neighbors within like right next to me, named John. Interesting. Yeah. Like the is bar bar and or kids named John. My, my, my landlord, the old lady's late husband was named John. So I think that it like helped when she was moving out. I think there was like a kind of a spiritual continuity there with her. Yeah. Why? She sold me the building for like a pretty good number. Totally. You know. And yeah, it's it really helps. That's like that's so funny that just because that's because I, because our John is Janney, which is actually one of the, it's actually one of the Greek names that doesn't translate as easily. But like Nick, Nick's and George's are everywhere. What's, what's an Albanian John? I'll just, do you know? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That makes way more sense. That, that, that's a, that's a one for one, I would say, Jon. Um, all right. Well, look, we got a fucking, John, we got to take your beautiful mind and apply to our callers here. Oh, yeah. I was excited about this. Yeah. You're actually, we're doing that. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Cool. Yeah. Of course we're doing it. Sorry. I wasn't sure. I'm just having a blast. I, you know, I've seen a show, you know, this. No, no, no, we're cool. Great. Great. Great. Um, because yes, I literally, we could, we could talk. I mean, I want to, I want to know that book. I got to read that motherfucker. Oh, yeah. You know, I might ask you for a cup because I need to, I need to fucking read my brain is, you know, you should read. I was just talking about this, the, the new John Ronson book is very good. Oh, yeah. It's all about like, the kind of why lonely men are doing such insane things. I would love to read that. Yeah. It's like a nonfiction. It's just like investigative book. It's like really cool. That is cool because I do feel like people place this show in the middle of that narrative a lot. People are like, yeah. Here's the one show you're in cell loser fat little brother watch and maybe he won't kill himself or someone else, but he probably still will like that. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's, you know, it's, it's just a step. Yeah. Better than, yeah, you're extremely toxic. Yeah. Just a, truly, just a step. The fact that cold. Yeah. Anyway, I don't want to talk about it too much. I'm done. I don't. It's the, the talking about yourself is one of, I mean, you know, having to promote my fucking special almost killed me because it's like so many just questions about you in non-funny context. Yeah. And that sucks. I mean, I appreciate the people wanted to talk to me and shit and I was like going to much different. Having used them usual like I did fucking CBS. I did like daytime. I did the Drew Barrymore show, which is fun. Oh, yeah. I thought that. But like, you know, daytime, like, that's not my art. I'm trying to get new. What do people ask you about? Like, like, you may, like, that's what, that's the thing. It's like, well, like, I tried to just make the movies packed with so much shit that there would be so much to talk about in there because I knew I would have to talk about it. Of course. Like, you know, partially, that's, that's why that stuff's in there. But it's like, but yeah, it's like when you come out with this thing and it's like, the thing is, I don't know, I don't know. I guess it's not even what what they're asking me. It's just the fact that like, I'm used to going on something and the whole point being joking. And I just feel like I wasn't funny. It's also for me, right? Where I'm like, I think I didn't work hard enough at being funny in every context because I was so burned out from doing everything. And I guess what I'm real, what I was realizing was like, Oh, these shit, like, it's going to take re actually takes a lot of work to not just like, to be actually funny and that to come through in environments that you're not naturally comfortable in. Like, like, I like, like, I just should have had more stuff ready to go for some of these like serious, I don't know. It's just, it's just a thing of like, I just hate and it's also a standup. It's not that it's like, you know, I thought of a fucking hour of funny stuff. Yeah. And it's like, yes, the mind, there's my nephew shit, whatever, but I don't know. I just, it's just so weird to have a like someone's just to ask and people will, you know, I'm sure I talk way too much in general. So people are like, what? You love talking. We didn't hear shit about John. You started talking about yourself. You fat idiot. And that's true. But that's in my own, that's in my own. home. You mother. Yeah, he's allowed. I'm allowed to be a fucking loud mouth. Actually, I have thought about should I try it? The podcast at some point. So far, the answer is no, but the podcast. What is this? This is not me trying it all. Okay. This is me. Oh, okay. This is me having. Well, it's easy with you because I love your work and I think you're so fun to talk to. But they're it, but like sometimes, you know, when I just have my friend, like just people here where I'm like, yeah, whatever, just fucking start recording. We got, we got to stick to the schedule. Yeah, right. Anyway, sorry, shoot the shit. No, are there live callers? Actually, they're not live calls. They're, they're voice mails. But if you ever want to come back and do a live call, you let us know. All right. Ed, John, as you know, because we talked about at the beginning, it's now time to hit the visible hotline or the stovies world online sponsored by visible, of course. Oh, you know, yeah, yeah. We're calling. Yeah. So I'll just want to twist it to. All right. Well, don't fucking get ahead of yourself. Oh, sorry. Okay. Sorry. Look, I don't know. There may or may not be a twisted S motherfucking question of the week coming in a one or two, but I got how this goes. Well, that's the conduit. As you know, John, there'd be no way to do the twisted S motherfucking as fucked up question of the week. If not, that the river we paddle is the is the visible hotline. Yeah. And that's, that's the river. So why don't we get, why don't we get a couple tubes? And why don't we lazy float down the, down the river of questions that is the visible, the stovies world online sponsored by visible. Okay. Hi, savvy, baby. Hi, Elvis. So I had a question about how I should deal with my mother. I'm a 30 year old adult living in a house by myself. Last year, my mother needed to move in with me for a little while to help get her back her feet. She ended up asking like a complete asshole, which is not outside of her M.O. And unfortunately, I had to kick her out of my house. Damn. Super uncomfortable for both of us. Yes, of course. But immediately after that, she began dating my next door neighbor and then moved in next door to me. Damn, she stunted on your ass. She fucking checkmated your bitch ass. You thought you got rid of me? I'm gonna fuck your knee. Sorry, go, that's fucking hilarious. That's so funny. For and then move in next door to me. And ever since she moved in next door to me, she has been making my life extremely uncomfortable. And I'm not sure how to deal with that. For example, she is now claiming that her boyfriend likes to watch me through my windows, and that he's in love with me, and that he's just talking about this. He's waiting for me to come home so that he can watch me. What the fuck? And I expressed being uncomfortable with this. This guy sounds cool. Yeah, the guy's cool. He's like, I love to fuck the daughter, but for now, the mom will give me head in exchange for shelter. So I'll just buy some binoculars. Bied my time. Yeah, you're gonna level up. Keep going on this. Mind you, I don't think this man watches me. I think my mom is just a fucking lunatic. But now it's gone to the point to where she is screaming at me if him and I are mowing the grass at the same time. And now I'm probably just perpetually hiding and hoping that I don't see her. What the fuck? And I can bliss the thousand stories about this lady being like a shitty parent. Yeah. But I'm trying to go no contact with her with her being right next door to me. What do I do? So funny. She's such a piece of shit. So I ran down. I don't really know, but let me know what you think. Appreciate you guys. Love the podcast. Have a good one. I mean, this is nuts. I think I think she should I think she should write a treatment and sell this to ABC for a new sitcom. I like to have some kind. Yeah. Yeah. Just like I think that this there's a lot of sounds really this sounds like fun and funny. It is really. This is funny because you are right. These have some classic sitcom archetypes here. Yeah. Where it's like the kind of insane, horny older mother. They're like doofus neighbors. Oh, yeah, you can live with me. We just kind of fuck you. The main character of the whole time. She's a working girl tried to have it all. Yeah. And then maybe she gets like a new mom. It tries out a new mom. Yeah. I like the however that works. That would be good to make your mom gel because this woman is so clearly insane. This mom is so insane in like a classic. Sometimes this comes up on the show every once while where it's like the mother daughter, the moms who have this weird rivalry with their daughters are some of the scariest people in the world. Yeah. It's like a man. Like look, dad versus son rivalries are sort of like classic. At the end of the day, it's like, yeah, we just want to beat the fuck out of each other. Like me and my dad, I think our lives would probably be better if like we had fought 10 years ago before his heart might have exploded and before I was too fat to throw a punch without worrying about my spine completely coming apart. I think we probably, basically dad son stuff is like kind of so simple because dudes are kind of simple. Whereas like mom daughter stuff is one of the most psychologically fucked up scenarios I've seen. Yeah. Like a mom is trying to compete with her daughter. Like the mom who's like clearly jealous of her daughter, which is what this feels. You see this on reality TV a lot too. Yeah. It's like, yeah, it's a common dynamic. But yeah, I don't, you know, I don't. I can't fully relate. But your mom's not mad that you're more beautiful than her. No. No, my mom is very happy. I'm going to hand some young boy. That's good. That's good. That's good. That's healthy. But I don't know. I mean, she said sell the house. Sell the house is nuts. I think that could work. Yeah. I mean, that is the simplest answer is do anything it takes to get away from your mom and not let her know where you live. Yeah. And yeah, go full witness protection if you want to. But also, I don't know, you could be friend that yeah, you could be friends her boyfriend. You could fuck her. But why, why wasn't why weren't you friends with the guy of the neighbor? It's probably. I mean, he's the kind of guy who hears two women have a screaming match for months. And then the older one goes over to his house is like, can I be your wife? Yeah, I don't fucking care. That's why he's that kind of guy. Either that or the mom is diabolical. And like when put when her backs against the wall is just a survivor who figures it out. But clearly her mission here is to make her daughter's life miserable, right? Well, if that's the case, then you should rent. You should you should sublet out your place to you know, to some insane like burning man, like burning man. Some some subculture. Yeah, burning man. Yeah. Have a bunch of polyamorous burning man. Fucking old guys with ponytails going pee we herman mode in there. You know, turn your home. Oh, turn your home into a cruising spot. Sucking it fucking in your shed at all hours of the night. I don't teach her. I don't show her. I like this though. You're right. The hank the value in this well, you want to sell it though. You want to sell your out. You want to sell it to to someone. Yeah. No, this is good. This is like interest. Here's what you need. A break from your mom, right? Take a vacation or like or like you know, seize. I don't know what you do for work. Do you can you work from home? Can you take a seasonal job at a fucking tourist place for two months or something? Sublet it and just have your weirdest friends. Tell your weirdest friends to do weird shit there. Just something your mom would hate. What does she hate? She racist. Can you can you let your friends, you know, can you get some black and Asian people in there? What's the type of race she hates the most? Move them in to show her that bigotry has no place on your block. But that, but this didn't originate with bigotry. No, it's the same stuff she hates. Hot or young or women have, she clearly has an issue with you, you know, have someone fuck her boyfriend. Yeah, it's just like, it might have to originate with whatever. You know, she said there was too much to go into like what, you know, maybe why they were on bad terms, but I mean, I think to me, this is like classic. This is a really bad parent, right? This person has, the one thing the parent has been done good has been capable of doing here is gilting her daughter and things got bad enough that her daughter is a good person and it's like, okay, she's homeless, whatever I, she's sick, whatever the fuck, I'm going to do my duty as family, even though there's a difficult person and hey, maybe this will be the thing that brings us together because in the back of every child who has a bad relationship with their parent, there's party that's like, man, it would just be nice if they out of the blue became a completely different person who loves me the regular way, right? And I think that's probably what happened here. You've learned your lesson. You can never trust your mother. She's a piece of shit that needs to be out of your life completely. And I think what you do now is she's trying to neighbors you, you neighbors her. She thinks she's that, Efron. Now, you know, your fucking sack. Efron you throw fucking parties or whatever. That was a great movie. Great movie. Really good. Shout out to F dude. Let's get let's get Efron. Yeah, you need to start dating Zach Efron. He's a cool guy. Let me know. You know I'll text him. I'll tell him there's a lady in wherever the fuck you know, uh, but yeah, get F or just yeah, does she say where it was? No, no for an anonymity sake, but yes, you need to get the fuck away from your mom. The over the big lesson here is she's a piece of shit who's never gonna change and never gonna do right by you. Get the fuck sell the house his nuts, but I don't know. I mean, but also it's like you kind of I don't know where you it's easy to ignore certain neighbors at the same time. True. I don't know. The greatest victory would be to give her nothing. Clearly she's trying to get a rise out of you. Clearly. I mean on the edge trying to get a rise, but the her boyfriend does seem like a pervert for sure. And definitely maybe you can somehow trap him. Honeypot. Yeah, I don't know. Like and uh, make them both. I don't know. If he if he is spying on you, you could you could make it backfire on him. Sure. In an interesting way. Sure. Like by I don't know this private investigator, though, this could be interesting. Get dirt on this guy. Okay. Yeah, you like let's figure out how to you're right. He ultimately needs to go. He's her way in. Unless she just goes to the guy next, you know, catty corner to you or whatever. What are they doing dirty work? Like put a bunch of fish. Yes, fish. But it actually it's a it triggers a mafia hit. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. By the way, really good doc. I think it's out by the time the episode I plug in just a different doc. The norm the norm doc. Oh, yeah, it's really good. Yeah. Wait, is that out? It's not out yet. You know, my buddy, my boy, Judd might have hit me up. No, yeah. Judd. Judd. Judd. He sounded to me too. Oh, yeah. Yeah. It's good, right? Yeah, it's cool. I love it. I'm normal. It's like huge or unbelievable. And the the doc was so good at like because norm was so good at hiding who like biographical details. It as a norm superfan, I learned this shit where it's like usually for these comedy documentaries, it's more like it reminds you of shit that you're but like there was a lot of stuff that I had no, no idea about, which was really fucking good. Yeah. Or just the scope of it or getting everything on record. Yeah, yeah, norm. Yeah, no, it's so funny how much she just would just lie about stuff. It's awesome. Yeah, because it's funny. That's a good point. Nor it's like I wasn't as fun. Obviously, this is an unattainable North star, but like I should be trying to be as funny as Norm MacDonald at every interview. And that's hard, but that takes a lot of work. And it's like somebody like Meg Stolter's another great example where she really thinks about these banal things. It's like how do I make this funny, right? And so I think that's my take away for the future is like every situation. Let me actually think about how to be funny instead of just giving a real interview because who gives a fuck about that. But anyway, fucking kill your mom. Kill your mom. Sell the make up right a pilot. Sell it to Hulu. Gotta go Hulu. Yeah, you gotta go Hulu. This could be like a nice companion to adults, you know, adults. The Hulu show. I don't know that. It's good. It's really funny. Yeah, yeah, yeah, but it could be like adults. And then the next one is what if you're crazy as mom moves whatever you know the fuck. Yeah, get the fuck get away from your mom. It's a money maker. And I think that's the best revenge. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Against your mom is to become extremely wealthy off of her trying to make your life miserable. Yeah, go genette McCurdy with it. Yeah, do a man. Yeah, I don't know. What else we got? Elders. Oh, fuck, what the fuck? Oh, shit, what is that? Oh, fucking. Oh, you're not the only one with a fucking awesome hat. Cause it's time to. Yeah, that's right. You spoke into existence, John. You're too powerful. You created the mother fucking ass fucked up twisted question of the week. Brought it by twisted. It's an honor. What's the most, what's the fucking ass fucked up motherfucking question of the week? Elders. Hi, style. First time one time. So I am in a little bit of a ethical commendium with my therapist back story. I recently got out of a long term relationship. Right, right. And I'm getting back into the polylite style. Keep it twisted. A month ago, I found myself at a swing or party. It was really fun. But afterwards, I was thinking about it. And my therapist is also in that lifestyle and losing the same talent as me. So at our next session, I asked him if he knew these people and of course he did. And he said that he also attends their party sometimes. I thought that that was going to be the end of our therapeutic relationship. As it should have been. But to my surprise, we spent the next 30 minutes coming up with a game plan of what we were going to do if we saw each other at a sex party. All right. This is on, but this is too twisted. This therapist is keeping it way too fucking twisted. Yeah. This is not an appropriate level of twisted to give you. Okay, is that like, that's not all right. Is that okay to do? No, certainly not. I don't know what the laws are with therapists. I mean, listen, this is all fake. Like there's no like actual like nobody knows anything really therapy people. Yeah, exactly. It's like, look, if therapy makes you feel better, you're working on it. It's working in my opinion. But yeah, if you have first, I was going to say poly therapist, that's a big problem. Number one. Yeah, that's a big issue. And look, note this respect to the body community. But yeah, because I do look to like my therapist for advice in certain ways that I don't like don't want to get the person is a little too twisted. I kind of exactly. You need someone not just you want him twisted for a normal guy. Yeah. Not all the way the fuck twisted where him and his wife, his wife is pulling out fucking beads from his ass while he's eating like, you know, male woman's pussy at somebody's party or whatever. I just don't want to know about it. Exactly. Exactly. And listen, yes, exactly. You you and I don't need to ever find that if I find out that my therapist is poly, that's the problem. They can be poly if they keep it professional and they give you regular advice. If they're advice isn't like, have you ever thought about the fucking somebody wasn't your husband? Like, but if they're not trying to push their poly agenda upon me, like it would be the same thing if I went to a therapist and they were like, you know, pick a religion and they kept trying to get me to convert. Yeah. Any any, of course, any therapist that like brings too much who doesn't act as just they conduit for your thoughts is a problem for me. Now, all of that could have just been my anti poly bias. Where's like, where's like, it's not that I think it's wrong or I actually don't give a fuck and I listen, I've had some poly friends. I've yeah, it's the best setup in the world to date someone who's got a husband. Yeah. Don't give a fuck about you. They're just they're just to suck you off and have a slice of pizza. That's awesome. That's a great relationship. And I'm happy to be a part of someone's larger polyamorous web, right? I like to be on the outskirts. Sure. But I don't, but someone who's and so I would have been like, okay, maybe I'm being too harsh on poly people, but the fact that this horny piece of shit. Well, like, what are we going to do if I see you? How much am I? You're allowed to see one quarter of my shaft, but anything more than that. Like, well, that's, it feels, I think my issue is it feel on you're like talking about religion, you know, it's like how it feels like a religion is some people and like, yeah, that's why it would feel like stretched. If so, like a therapist would be push you with something like that words. And that, like, yeah, I, yeah, I've poly brands like, of course, that I don't know fucking small theater and Ridgewood. Yeah. You're in an art house theater in Ridgewood. You got a couple pop. Yeah. I'm not, I'm not saying like, yeah, I'm not saying don't ask, don't tell. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm just, I'm more saying like, I, like for some people, they become like kind of zealous about it. Sure. And Celitry in any form, I don't want from my theory. Like, as if this is the solution to any relationship issues, which, which I find to be really kind of near sighted. And it doesn't, I think factor in some very human, 100% emotions jealousy. Yeah. And it's just like, well, there was this show, Lily Morata turned me on to this show called This Is Polly that I gotta, I'll send you. This is Polly. It's really, really good. Yeah. And they, but it's like that's not the show we used to watch, is it? It came out. There's another show, Polly Amorous. I think we watched that. We used to watch it back in the day in a story. And they, that's where you heard fluid bonding, but I'm sorry to cut you off. Okay. Yeah. They're, yeah, they have an interesting phrases that they use. Like, there's this one, like lesbian, Polly Amorous relationship that was just like setting the ground rules. And they're like no hot fish. And I was like, what does that mean? What did you ever get to the bottom? I was asking lesbians. And I couldn't still a lot of them didn't really know. Anyway, yeah, but, uh, you know, on top of like, you know, like no, no like scammers, no, you know, like whatever. But, yeah, it's like, it does-- - No hot fish means maintaining proper personal hygiene and cleanliness. - Oh, wow. - Specifically referring to keeping-- - Is this what area is that? - That's crazy. - Wow, maybe a grok has, like, figured out the answer and the times that I last asked. (laughing) - Yeah, eldest eldest was a big grok guy. (laughing) He's working on getting the implant directly and he's on his head. But, yeah, it's kind of like, they speak about it in this way as if there's no problem. But then it's like, the very basic human jealousy things, it's just like, they always come up. And it's just like, I think I'm more cool with it if you can just like, recognize that as the baseline thing that will be happening and that that's a danger of this. Not that, like, you've solved yourself. - You've evolved past it. It's like, and by the way, the only time friends of mine where it makes sense tell me it's like, yeah, of course I'm, I'm not like, pumped to the, you know, my wife is going on a date with, that's not my favorite part of my week. (laughing) It's what my wife's gonna, but I don't, you know, it's just like, I understand that that's something you just get over and it's like, momentary. And look, for some people, it is momentary and they let it wash over them and then they're like, well, but I also get a lot out of it, whatever. To come back to our friend here, your therapist, having a breakdown so where he can continue to take money from you while getting his dick sucked by your mutual friends, that's a problem. Let her finish. Is there more of this? - Let's hear the point, yeah. - Oh, oh, sure, yeah, yeah. - And I was like, I don't know, like, if I saw you at a sex party, I'd probably just leave. And he was like, well, we can just like, go to opposite ends of the house. And like, as long as we don't have sex, it's fine. - Oh, it's not. - And I'm like, I don't know, bro. - I don't want to fuck us. I don't want to watch him get his dick sucked while I can breathe his sweat in. Keep going. I think this is kind of weird, don't you? And he basically told me that you could see why I think it's weird. (laughing) He had this conversation with multiple clients in the past. - Yeah, that's a big problem. - Big problem. - In the position before. - Big problems. So, I just don't know if I should terminate him as my therapist. He is good at his job and does help me. - That's interesting. - I just can't really stop thinking about it. Also, the swimmers whose house I was at keep hitting me up like every weekend trying to get me to come back over. And I'm running out of excuses as to why I can't come over. So, in the face, you could do me a little bit. - I just don't get that. It just like it continues to frustrate me because it's just like, of course, this is gonna happen. (laughing) - It's just like, of course, it's gonna be an insanely thorny, annoying lifestyle. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. - Like, why is the prize by this? - Imagine Larry Day, you know what I'd love to see? Curb your enthusiasm where Larry's poly. The amount of little, like Larry David's style misunderstandings that could happen in polyamory. - Yeah. - And especially when you're a social, so, okay. The bigger red flag is that this has happened him multiple times. - But yeah, well, yeah, with different clients. - Different clients. - But I think they're very, I think she and her therapist are very aligned, I think, in terms of lifestyle. - True. - What's the good point? - And I think she could actually like, I think might benefit from continuing to see him. You know, like, she may want to have boundaries with this one specific house. - This is an interesting point where you're saying, is this man too twisted for me? - Sure. - But if you're already twisted. - If she's the appropriate amount of twisted. - Yeah, if you can deal with someone a little more twisted than me or you would be interested in dealing with, perhaps. - Yeah, and I think if you can shut off the valve, you know, of having sex with him. - Like, you know, at this party and, you know, that's not part of their relationship. Then I think that maybe emotionally she could benefit from it, you know, just by talking with someone who goes through the same stuff. - Sure, I would say the problem here is he cares about getting his nut off at this particular couple's house. More than he cares about what our clearly should be, what should be clearly defined boundaries. Which, to me, is like, we can both go to, we can even both go to, you know, be in this community, but we probably should never be at the same sex party. Do you really want to be, first of all, let's take therapists out of it. I don't want to watch my dentist get her pussy eaten. I don't want to watch, you know, well, I had one dentist, but my current dentist, I don't. But I usually think, if-- - It's totally normal. - But that's what I mean is like-- - It's like your dental lab text though. - Your lab text, I'm listening in a major way. I want to watch "Real Up Close" if you catch my drift. - Wow. - From a real POV John Wilson, how to style. - Wow. - Until I want to leave it style. - Them getting their pussy eaten. - Wow. - Yeah, from across the street. (laughing) - Zoom wins. - But they're still mic'd up. - And from a horny reporting to duty. (laughing) - I just, okay, you bring up a really good counterpoint that they are aligned lifestyle wise. I would say, here's what I would do if I were you. If you really think that if you're really getting something out of it, there's no-- The whole point of this poly shit is let's be honest about everything. Let's talk about our feelings. Tell your friends like, I have a blast. If they're poly, maybe you guys want to go on a day, I don't know if it's a couple or whatever, maybe you want to fuck them solo, that's great. Just tell them like, listen, had a great time. I just realized that, you know, I am seeing whatever the fuck. They know 'cause fucking eight of their eight people, eight other people have been in this situation apparently. This doubles as, he's handing out flyers at these sex parties apparently. - Well, that's what makes it feel predatory in a way. And that like, he is using his practice as a potential kind of casting couch. - Yeah, right. - That's a really good question. 'Cause I could see this being like, no, we should never fuck. We could be there though and who knows what happens. I don't wanna accuse this guy of trying to fuck you 'cause he probably, it seems, maybe he's not. But I would ask, 'cause he ever fucked, this has happened before, has he ever fucked another client? Has he ever fucked up? Like, could this be some weird, 'cause I can see this guy being the kind of freak that gets something out of this and that it might be the ultimate forbidden, if you're already poly and you're saying, all getting head is all fine. The forbidden fruit of fucking someone, this guy's eliminated forbidden fruit from his pussy diet completely. This is something, this is like professional cheating in a way that like, poly people have gotten away from like the eroticism of affairs. And is this guy cheating on being a therapist with his client, is that a sexual thrill he might have? Again, if he's keeping it way to mother effing twisted. - But what's the difference between being poly and being single? - This is one of my great arguments. - If you're just, I mean, I know it's probably a lot of them. - First of all, first of all, yeah, a lot of them. - We're sure on this. - Solo poly just means you're getting pussy or dick a lot. - Yeah, right. - That's all it means, guys. Can we be honest for a second? And that's fine. - All right, if he's just a single guy that is a therapist and he's still trying to have sex with his, you know. - To give him credit, he has, all we know so far is that he has been adamant that they should, his take is let's say the opposite ends of the, you give head in the dining room, I'll give head in the fucking living room, right? But to me, that's not a good enough solution. Anyway, I guess what I would do is explicitly be like, I don't want to go to these parties when my therapist is there, but I like working with him. And then I would just, you know, if you're getting a lot out of it, would you say she got divorced throughout of a relationship? - A long-term relationship, out of one. - Do you think you're going to go to Polly or is our caller here sort of using the Polly lifestyle as like, if you want to have a little hoe phase, I could see coming into a supportive Polly community as kind of a safe way to do that, right? Like you don't, these people are all friends, they're all fucking sharing vegan potlock recipes or whatever the fuck, like they're having a good time. It's safer than going to bars and trying to, you know, hook up with random people. So that would be my other question. Long-term, you know, are you going to live here? Is this the community you're going to be in? Is this your therapist long-term? 'Cause, you know, if it's not, if you fire him as your therapist, you're still going to run the risk of seeing him at this party. - Totally. - So you're going to have to like figure this out. But again, this is just part of like the minefields that is like having to deal with that. And I think for you, I would guess if this is temporary, I would say just peel back from that party or just be like, hey, I'd love to be there, but you know, whatever, fucking Frank, if Frank is there, I would prefer not to. And again, I would also make, I would just communicate your boundary to your fucking therapist. 'Cause if you're like, hey, it actually would make me uncomfortable to be at the house at the same time as you. and you're there, it's like, come on. (laughs) - You don't want that. You don't want your therapist being like, "Please, can I keep going and charging you $100 a week?" Please, I want both of these things. - I do like what he said. So I think asking him out, right? If he's ever fucked anyone from his party, or if he's ever gotten, if he's ever turned someone, he's fucked into a client. Those are both the good questions. 'Cause pardon me, it was like, you know, what are the ethics of, yes, it's uncomfortable, but should he necessarily remove himself from the parties, to be a good therapist, if that's like his community or something? - It's one or the other to me. Remove your, be like, I'll give you a referral to a non-freaky-ass therapist, or I'm not going to these parties until you tell me you would be comfortable with that. That's what I think. Clearly that's one of those two is the appropriate response in my mind. And so if he's a good enough therapist for you to not do those things, then yes, ask some follow-up questions, make sure he's not on some weird predatory shit and just kind of go from there. It's also possible he's gay or bi or whatever, so maybe they're not even in the same shit. - Interesting, yeah. - But I feel like these sex parties are usually pretty segmented off, where it's like, if it is a queer one, it's pretty, you know what I mean? Like it's not co-ed, it's like, hey, that's the gay wing of the house. This is the straight, it's usually either straight or all or it's all one or the other. From my experience with friends going to these, I could never go, I don't wanna be watched while I fall. - I know, I think. - Actually, ultimately we're just jealous. - I am jealous on some level, yeah. Have you ever dated anyone or been with someone who's floated that out? Is some like, some like shit to you? Or like, hey, why don't we go to one of these? - No. - 'Cause to me, it's been floated. I'm like, I'll be honest to you, I'm not interested in that whatsoever. - Yeah. - It's just like, and maybe part of it is like, so much of my life is performance, I can't even have sex privately. But also it's like, I don't know, I would love now, I amend my statement if it's all hot girls and me. That to me sounds awesome. - Sure. - But again, that's a fantasy where it's like, I'm just curious because I like, I don't know. - You would go as a. - I'm just as a nature to know. - Just the extremes of anything, is always kind of, I just like to see rare rooms. Like stories, whatever. - Like that is. - Is there been a swingers situation with you or my misremembering a different time now? - No, no, no, no. - You've never, you've never like gone into like a swinger. - No, no, no. - I think I watched something. - Maybe like a Louis Theroux or something. - Yeah, maybe some shit like that. - I don't know. Yeah, it's, yeah. - Like he had a couple good docs about swingers and stuff. But anyway, I'll send you that this is Polly stuff. It's kind of funny 'cause there's just like, one couple that's like Polly, but it's actually just the boyfriend that's cheating on this girl. (laughing) And she's just like, that's not Polly. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I have had friends who have figured out how to cheat within a Polly framework and it's almost like respect. Respect for you figuring that out. But anyway, this fucking therapist is keeping it way too motherfucking twisted. And I would say at the end of the day, here's, you guys hang out, it's crisp, it's fall. Get together, crack open a couple ice colds. (laughing) And talk over your sexual dynamics with your Polly therapist. - Yeah. - And remember, always keep it twisted. (laughing) Oh fuck, holy shit, what the fuck? (laughing) Oh fuck, we're out of the twisted zone. (laughing) - Oh, stop. - We gotta figure out some animations for that outlust. I'll speak of the devil. Do you mean there is animation on that? - Whatever, fuck you. Please, another fucking call you, little piece of shit. (laughing) - Hello, Stovey and beautiful guests, eldest. Thank you all for doing this podcast. I've got a funny story and I'd love your advice. I'm gonna let you know right off the bat, this is basically the ultimate nerd fantasy. And I'm completely aware of how stereotypical this is. I also think it's pretty funny. So maybe we'll get some funny out of this. - Oh, that's good. - I know a lot of game conventions, anime conventions, blah, blah, blah. I run my own business in that kind of nerd geek space. So go to a lot of these. And there's one that I'm coming up to. - You own this new nerd geek space which is under where you can come in your own pants. (laughing) It's like, thanks, remember they had period panties that you could just have your period in. He's making in-sell underwear where you can not in your fucking box or briefs. And your mom doesn't have to do the laundry for seven whole days. - I know, yeah, I know it sounds super nerd. (laughing) - Keep going. - Go to a lot of these. And there's one thing you're talking about. - They're basically diapers. He makes heavy duty diapers. - Hello, sharks. - Hello, sharks. - No, I'm sorry. If you don't like the Jack, what was our first idea? I forgot. Something to do with the Jack off theater. Keep going, I'll just. And there's one that I'm coming to in a couple months. And one of the feature guests is a particular voice actress. When I was a young man, she voiced a character kind of a older, wide, milfy type, who I had a big crush on. And I'd love to see more Simpson. - Maybe there's any opportunity you want to go get drinks afterwards. I'd love to talk to you. - Wait, wait, the question is, okay, actually, I'm gonna let you talk about that. - I think I know who this is. - Yeah, the guy calling or the lady? - No, the lady. - I don't. I think I know, okay, my guess for the lady is, I think one of, I think the lady who does Tommy Pickles has sort of weirdly huge kids. She just looks hot. There's a voice actress that has. - How do you, because I just popped up on my. I told you on my IG feature. - She's on the bright. She just part of that out, out go. - I think it was like a, yeah, there was a weird voice, so she was in the, right? Isn't there like a voice actress that's like, awesome, faked it? - There is, my guess is that it's the woman that did the voice for Ash Ketchum, the Pokemon. - Oh, really? She's hot as well. - Yeah, look her up. - Interesting. - Yeah. - Interesting. I didn't know that. Keep playing, though. - Your voice acting is about how great you are, et cetera, et cetera. So, I know it's a one in a million chance, but hey, what do you think? What would be your advice? And this admittedly, I'm not gonna cry for 40 minutes that it doesn't happen, kind of things. I should also say, I don't have a major infatuation with this person. - Dude, it's just, I think you're talking to meet them. And even if things were very success, I'm not gonna like ask, what the fuck are you talking about? (laughing) Are you out of your fucking mind? The question is, the question is, oh, I run a fucking, I have a business in the space. Because you fucking make the card protectors for fucking Pokemon cards, you think the lady who voiced the mount from Dexter's laboratory is gonna suck your dick. What the fuck are you talking about? I'm sorry to be so, sometimes I gotta slap my friends around. - This has happened, so he called. - He called to do an hour and 40 minutes before. This is supposed to happen. - But there's no point. I thought he deembed her, she weirdly responded. - I thought it was anything to go off of, buddy. - What the fuck are you talking about? - You're gonna have to engineer some kind of meet cute on the street far away from the venue. You have to create a completely different life. - Yeah. - She can in fact not know you're like this at all. You have to start wearing three-piece suits and hanging out like where she gets coffee or something and pretend you have a briefcase, fucking gel your hair back. - Yeah, you gotta like, yeah, you gotta like, what, like Lana Del Rey's husband or whatever. He's like a win boat driver. - He's just some regular ass like, yeah. So get a win boat license. - Yeah, yeah, or a cop, didn't you get a cop too? - Yeah. - We can't tell you to be a cop, but get a win license. - Yeah, if you wanna play the long game, exit the biz. - Exit the biz. Try something new and maybe you can court her, I think, because of your differences will unite you somehow. I don't know, it's tough at a convention that the wall is higher than it's ever been at a convention, maybe not. - And no, no, no, no, that's actually the most insane part of this whole thing, is that you maybe could not have picked a worse scenario to try and fuck this lady. - Yeah. - You think you're the only guy who's got this big idea. You don't think, and by the way, you're probably, in terms of the percentile, you're at least probably top 50% of the guys that wanna fuck this lady at this thing. You got a business, you sounds like you're well put together enough to form full sentences. Now, those sentences are fucking insane. You have a phone to call us, you probably have access to Wi-Fi. (laughing) But like, I need to be very honest with you. This question is, there's a semi-famous lady that I'd like to fuck, how do I do it? And the question is, you don't get to do that. Like, and if you do, it's not at a convention. It's like, this is crazy, but, you know, the lady, you know, my new neighbor or like, this lady I see at my coffee shop is like, it's like, you're starting at negative 1,000. - Yeah. - This is not even zero, this feels like zero. This is so far beyond zero. And it's like, by the way, Does she have now, does she have a reputation for fucking these, you know, like fans? 'Cause they're, I do one of my favorite things about Carrie Fisher, where she was like, yeah, I mean, you know how many guys who love Princess Lay that I fucked? 'Cause she was awesome. She was like, it was cool as fuck, they were so pumped. And she just, so it's like, now, if you're cool, is she cool, does she, right now? But are you sexiest guy at the convention? - Have you paid for a dinner with her? Like, as a part of a contest. - Right, right, right, right. - What is, like, are you going to try to hit on her while she's signing like a glossy? - Yes, these are all questions that he has for us. - Yeah. - Right, I'm not misreading this right now. - She knows that she's in the building. - Yeah, yeah, basically your thing is, I know the location of, for one day, I will know the location of a woman I want to fuck. How do I do it? Is there more, no, right? - There's more, but that's basically the-- - That's the gist, okay, get real, pal. You're not fucking this lady. - I mean, I'm like-- - At a convention? I don't know, maybe this guy has a risk that we don't know about. Maybe he's, maybe he's extremely, maybe he looks like, you know-- - He could be true. - Oscar Isaac or something. - He could look like Oscar Isaac. He could just be really handsome and-- - Does he know anything about this woman? Is she even single? Aren't these people married? - I think you should. - Here, there's a car. - All right, let's see the whole business. I don't like them to do the voice or anything because that's a little too goofy, right? - I could say-- - Right, that's ridiculous. - That would be ridiculous. - Social, I mean, that's for others to decide, really. I'm pretty good looking. Well, that's also for others to decide. I'm very lucky in that I've got a nice network of people, and I know a decent number of the guests who are already going, but yeah, what do you think about finding a good way to be like, hey, you want to get together, get drinks after me and my friends are going out to blah, blah, blah, etc, etc. Anyway, good job with the pod, good job with everything. - Thanks, man. - You know what, I'm going to dial it back. - What, you're an earnest, nice guy. - Yeah, he's not going to go, you know, full malady with it. - No, he's not, he's not. In fact, I didn't misread him. I mean, this is still insane, but I think the fact, there's an innocence of this question that is the only shot you have. The fact that this is not calculated, the fact that you really are literally like, you know what, there's a lady I'd like to speak to with the event I'm going at. And then when he was like, I know some of the other people that are going there. So, and he says he's in the business. So now this is starting to get semi-interesting, right? Because depending on the content, you cannot under any circumstances meet her as the context of pure fan and this is going to work. But if you have mutual friends, if you meet her in a business context, if you tell her, hey, I really, you know, I admire your work, I love whatever you, you want to throw her something she actually liked, not like the big, don't tell her about the thing that she probably fucking can't stand voicing that you loved as a kid. Find some interesting work that she's done and give her a real compliment about something. But basically, my thing is, this is a one in one million chance. You say, hey, pleasure to meet you, whatever. If you don't hit it off immediately, just move on, brother. You can give it a whirl, you can whatever, but it's just not, I think the move might be just like, do not lead with any acknowledgement of their voice acting career and just say, we have these people, and just like we have these people in common. I hear you might know this person. Sure. Then you talk for 30 seconds about that. Totally. And then it's like, we're going out for drinks later if you want to come. Totally. I don't know. I think like all X factors that we can't see aside, I think that would maybe be the best. Yeah. Your thing here is like, you have a one in a million chance and the answer is, be polite and not weird. Yeah. And if, you know, do not push the envelope whatsoever at all, the first instance of a no or what at rebuffing you get, you go away and you go, you go talk to some cosplayers. Yeah, and yeah, don't dress like, you know, don't talk with like a pacifier in his mouth, you know, mommy. So have you ever changed like adult diaper? Yeah, that could be. And do you like poopy or pee pee? I don't know. Yeah, it depends on what you're wearing, too. But he's sound, hearing him talk, I'm like, you know what? This is just a nice guy with an actual question. So yeah, it comes down to how do I, you just have to decide if you have to look out for vibes. And listen, sometimes you'll be shocked at who you connect with, too. I don't know if this has ever happened to you where it's like, you know, starting, I mean, in the movie, actually, there's a part where you're like the GQ dinner, which is so fucking funny. Yeah. I actually, we'll talk about it off air, but like shit like that, where you're like at a random place where you're like, what do I, I don't belong here. This year, I've started getting into a couple of those rooms. And you'll be shocked at who, just because like everyone, there's just a person at work essentially. You'll just randomly hit it off with people, right? And sometimes that's friendships. Sometimes that could be romantic, who knows? And sometimes not even people you expect it to be, right? I don't know if you've ever had that experience where you're like, whoa, that fucking guy's cooler than I fucking gave him credit for or whatever the fuck. Yeah. And so look, maybe that happens to you. Yeah, it gets just like a person. It probably won't. Yeah. And then who knows, maybe this lady's having a bad day. She's, 'cause that's the other thing, I felt bad where it's like, I'm on the road and I have like friends or something in a city. And they're like, we gotta hang out, we gotta, and I'm in the middle of a fucking two week tour. And I just need to sleep literally all day, 'cause I'm so, you know, I'm sick, I'm hungover, I have a show that night and I don't wanna do anything. This woman might just be at work. That's another thing. Yeah, exactly. So again, this isn't gonna happen. Your only shot is to be, but very polite. And if by some strange bizarre reason, there is an actual connection there, you're like, hey, we're going out to this fucking place or whatever, or you maneuver to get into like a dinner with other people that you know there, whatever with mutual friends. Don't hit her with a hand buzzer. No. (laughing) Women hate that. They hate that kind of stuff. They hate that. Do not, under any circumstances, have a little fucking squirt of carnation that you squirt water in. Like, gotcha. So yeah, good luck. I appreciate the moxie, I appreciate the desire. Yeah, and if it works out, bring her to the cinema. Absolutely, bring her to the cinema without question. If it works out, let us know. I will mail you a check for $1,000 in American. Literally, I will do that. (laughing) Give us a call, little eldest. - What's up, Stavvy and the bean to get? - I got a question for you. We started talking to this gal probably about a year ago. - Nice, Kelly. - Going back and forth and then tick, video calls. - Yeah. - You listen to San Diego and then Texas. - A year? - Not really used to flying to meet somebody or having them fly to me. But basically, I decided to pull the trigger, hook the flight. - And shot her here. (laughing) - I tried to pull the trigger. She's going to be my wife or she's going to die. (laughing) - Sorry. - Headed out there to meet her. And then she goes, "Hey, I just went to a tattoo shop." She's a little context too. I'm in my mid 30s, she's probably 26. And she goes, "Hey, I'm going to a tattoo shop. I just got a tattoo on my lip." And I said, "Oh, what's on it?" And I'm like, "What word did you get?" Did you get, "W-W-J-D?" Did you get, you know, swag? - Good job, bud. - I said, "No, I'm a video call you and show you." And she hops on the call and it says, "It says the word bitch." (laughing) This gal who I thought I knew, had the word bitch tattooed on her lower lip. - Wait, like, like, and then she comes, like this. - Who cared that? - Yeah, you never see that. - And that's just, I kinda like to realize I don't only know this person, or maybe that's just the answer in my question right there, but is that like grounds enough to sort of, you know, reject her? And how do I, how do I do that carefully? Obviously, her body she could do, what she wants with it. - Right. - And of course, but it does reflect on you if your bitch has tattooed you about half of you. - Everyone knows this man's a doormat. If his bitch has a tattoo, he doesn't like it. - Yeah, yeah, exactly. Is that nobody can see? - Yeah, exactly. I mean, the fact that the word bitch is too much for you, is like, you listen to this podcast, don't you? - Yeah. - I mean, listen, if it's on her, like, if it's a weird musta, if we're missing something she has a straight up face tattoo, but it sounds like it's one of these, right? - But is she a bitch? - Is she a bitch or is it just funny? - Like, what, like, how, why is this a surprise to you? - And she must be insanely tatted up if she's getting ironic lip tattoos, so that's probably part of it. - I don't know. - I get the sense that he doesn't care about the profanity, just kind of corny, you know? - Oh, you think, so, you think he's not, he's not pearl clutching, just. things like, honestly, you know, be worse than the, than the bitch is be like, if someone just got a mustache on her index finger and just started doing that, I think it's like that for him. Oh, interesting. It's like, I got it. I read it from him. Really? I don't know. It's hard to say. Remember this, I feel so bad because there was a girl who got this when she was like, when I was like 60 and she was 17. And this is 20 years ago. And this was groundbreaking. Yeah. The first girl I saw with index finger mustache in 2000, what was this six? That was funny. Where is she now? I actually don't know. I should look around. What the fuck was her name? She was somebody's cousin. So she wasn't, you know, like those kids that weren't in the main, like social circle, but it's like someone's cousin's coming to visit or something like that. Yeah, the cousin's. Of course. It's like when a new girl, you're like, whoa, is this the smartest, funniest? Maybe I was under that a little bit too, where it's like a girl who hadn't rejected me yet, or just had an implied reject, because everyone you grow up with, it's like, you know what I mean, you know, who wants to hook up with who when you're like a kid? Sure. Anyway, this girl had that mustache and I thought that was a fucking good move in 2006. I feel like the inner lip tattoo kind of like has that, it's in, it's in, it's in this family as well. I won't, I'm not saying it's cool, but what I'm saying is to me, it's not a deal breaker, because it's hidden. If she got a horny ass like millennial tattoo that was obvious, that's different to me. Inner lip is like, well, that's a safe space to be a corny bitch in my opinion. I feel so much arbitrary that it's a tattoo because like, I can't tell if it's, it's, because it's, it's, it's not a superficial embarrassment that he's worried about. Right. I think it's more of like, you're right. It's like internal embarrassment. What it says about her, which is kind of, you're, you two are aligned here. That's fair. I guess it goes away. I think, I mean, it does. It supposedly, like in four or five years, whatever. That's a good point. Well, is he done? Yeah. Yeah. I mean, look, whatever you want as a deal breaker, you don't have to fucking date anybody you don't want to. I mean, I have some bad tattoos where we got, and they didn't, you know, nobody broke up with me. I don't think I've said to, I mean, I got a tattoo when I was 18. That's on my butt. Hell yeah. It just says the word balls. That's a great tattoo. And it's like, but it's like, it's pretty like, it's pretty like a faded from sitting on it. Yeah, that's his work. You said on the face. Yeah. Well, you like, I was originally going to get another bottom of my foot, but then the tattoo artist was like, that'll fade away. And I was like, oh, yeah, God, I need this. I can't. This is a testament to who I am. So I got to get it. I'm fuck it. Yeah, yeah. But, you know, that was, you know, history and, you know, that's different than if I got it. I think like a friend or someone would be like, why, like that's so immature. Why would you do that? That's a good point. I guess we don't know the, what is the, what is the picture of this woman, right? Because to me, here's the other thing though, how many tattoos does she have? Yeah. Does she have a bunch of Halloween free, you know, lucky 13 Halloween tattoos? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Totally. If she's a super tattooed person, to me, this actually means almost nothing, right? Like, to me, it's like, someone with that many tattoos getting this, it's like, it almost becomes meta-ironic on a level. I mean, tattoo artists have some of the worst tattoos you've ever seen in your fucking life. The people who respect this art form the most, right? The biggest fans of tattoos have like kind of dumb tattoos and it doesn't mean much. So that's why I love Ink Master. I love Ink, you know, it's like the best. It's such a good show. And it's also, so, it's also because of what it represents, but also the way, the way they shoot these shows where these people are clearly in a place for one week and they're not sleeping enough. Yeah. And then they're forcing random people to get horrific tattoos so that they like, so it fits in their, like, challenge or whatever, it's like, do a whole back piece in four hours. Yeah. Talk these poor people that VH1 or whoever has signed, they've signed a release. Yeah. I know. It's like we're doing like a, like a koi fish that's like, you know, what are they call it? Trash Polka. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's the most, that is the most horrific tattoo genre of all time. Trash Polka. Trash Polka. I don't know that. I got to fucking. Look at up. You've seen it. I've seen it probably because I did, I did drop off. I did drop off inkmasters recently, but I might have to get back in this might be it. It's worth catching up. I mean, there was that great finale episode where Dave Navarro was suspended by hooks on his back and was being flown, like, just flown around the stage. Oh, yeah. I see. I mean, this is fucking horrible. Yeah. Like stuff like that. This is some millennial shit to the max for sure. This is the worst parts of us, although I'm seeing a, I'm seeing one half trash polka that's a V for vendetta and the other half is a skull. What beautiful imagery that is. It's, yeah, it's a little American idiot. Yeah, absolutely. Fuck, that's brutal. I have, I have a friend who one time was like dating this girl from a dating app who, you know, she was good looking, whatever, but she was just like, she let him fuck on the first day. It was just like a nice stream of pussy for a little while. Yeah, he could tell, he could tell that, he could tell that she was just like into him in a very uneven, almost manic way. She was super into it. And I feel like he was just like, Hey, I'm just fucking right. And one day she texted him, she had a picture of a tattoo of, it was the word babe in a way that was like very tight into like a weird cutie like inside joke that was kind of developing within between them. And she just sent that with a caption. I did a thing, so that just happened. She hit him with the Marvel Captain America bugging a little comedic relief. Yes. And I think, I think that moment, he was just like, I've gone too far, I've led her on to such a crazy, like, he should have to pay court ordered restitution for that. This was not, this was not worth a few extra times I got pussy. And I feel like that's what this guy is feeling, this is my friend. But he's been though. This guy's been in, this guy's been in a like long distance relationship with somebody doesn't even know. I think he said he only flew out like once in an LDR way. I forgot how they met, but it's like, I mean, it's more the shock of like not realizing you don't know a person. Of course. He says, he says like, I feel like I realized I don't know this person. I feel like he realized how much she doesn't understand him. And she would think he would be excited by like her corny lip tattoo. That says bitch. You know? Yeah. And also it's like, what do you mean you don't know her? You actually talk to her more than like, you probably talk when you're in a weird long distance relationship where you haven't fucked that much. It's actually, it's actually a weird scenario where kind of even more communicative it's one thing if you dated someone for like six months, then they have to move for work or whatever. It's like, you know, you probably face time a little more whatever. But when you started, when you met online and the only way for you to have connection is by talking all the time, I think you probably know this person kind of more than you would someone you were casually dating in your own city is my read on it. Yeah. And he's just like, has he been, you know, pusmatized? Has he been reverse dickmatized? Yeah. About, is she just hot? She's a decade younger than him. Maybe she's tattooed up. Maybe she's hot. Maybe that's all this is. And that's his kind of way of being like, what he means by, I don't know where that well is. Fuck. I just like wasted 18 months of my life talking to a hot girl. I don't respect. Yeah. I guess. That's a possibility. I don't know. You're just. To me, it's not, for me personally, it's not enough of a deal breaker. But yeah. Ultimately, everyone gets to decide what a deal breaker is. What being in a relationship is, you have to stay stuck because you feel bad. If this is like a major red flag, then the, the, the, like, you know, everything around it must have been shallow enough that you don't, that's a great point. Like you wouldn't really know this or, I don't know. No, that's a great point. It shouldn't have taken this long. Yeah. And, and do you, I don't think there's anything wrong with being like a bitch tattooed on their lip, like, you should know, you should have, there's been some signs. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's a good, that's a really good point. Yeah. Yes. She wanted to, she keeps, she keeps sending you invaders in memes. Yeah. Or whatever the fuck. Now we're dating ourselves. But maybe, I mean, 28. What's the equivalent? All her a bitch. And that's why she got it. Let's see. Oh, that'd be range. Side joke. And inside joke. Yeah. Is she into being degraded sexually? And like, she wants to pull that, while she's getting fucked, she wants to be like, Oh, fucking a bitch. Yeah. That could be cool. To me, that's an interesting application. Yeah. Like, if we were, if we were, you know, having this conversation right now, and you pulled up your shirt, and there was a, a huge Deadpool piece, I would be like, I don't know. Deadpool's Suggledife. Like, I get it. A front stomach, a dead full stomach piece where his face is my entire round's belly. That's not bad. - I don't know how about how I would feel about everything that came previous. - Right, that is true. - But you wouldn't, I don't know, but it's like hard to mentally, you know, make sense of that because it's like, you wouldn't be the same person. - Of course, no, I know what you mean, I know what you mean. - But yeah, I guess, and then I guess he now he wants to know how to get out of this or whatever, and it's like, that's not hard. - That's not hard. - You don't live in the same fucking house. - Turn off your phone. (laughs loudly) - I don't know. - Yeah, just be like, hey, you're great, whatever, but you could literally just blame it on the long distance thing. - Or just get your own lift tattoo that says like, this isn't, you know, it's gonna work. - That is embarrassing to get tattooed here, and I consider it a deal breaker, and then send her a picture of that. (laughs loudly) And then be like, see, I sacrificed as well. I am also hurt here, and for four years, I'll have to look at this. - Yeah, or maybe take inventory of things like that that you have in your life that may be a deal breaker for her that she's looking beyond. - That's a good point. - You know, just, you know, maybe it might be a way to humble yourself in a certain way, and just realize that everyone is, you know, has their own quirks that may not always line up with your romantic ideals, but, you know. - That's a great way to put it. - All of us have corny shit other people shouldn't see ever, you know what I mean? I mean, you know, stand up doing podcasting and loving stand up are kind of the top for me, but I don't know, but like tattoo, you know, can we all just admit the person you're with is not gonna have, yeah, like you said, it's not gonna, not everyone lines up perfectly, and there is, you know, stuff that you're not that you don't give a fuck about. And to me, it feels like he's just kind of out here, and he's pretending this is something, aha moment. When in reality, it's like, you probably are just, let's be honest, you might just be tired of being in a long distance relationship with someone. That's actually the best. - Yeah, they younger. - Long distance relationship with someone you don't love is insane. - Yeah. - This is someone you met online, the fuck are we talking, probably, I guess, I don't know, but it's like, no, DR's got to be with someone you fuck it. Like, you're like, this is so fucking annoying, but I love this person. One day, we will have a beautiful relationship together in the same city. If that's not your vibe, get the fuck out. Tattoo or no tattoo. - Yeah, I tried that once or twice, like years ago, and it's just like, I just don't like talking on the phone. - Yeah. - I just like, I prefer, you know, like I'm really present whenever I'm with anyone in person. - Like I really, like thrive off that, but it's just like, on the phone, I'm just like, yeah. I don't know, I can't, like the humor doesn't work as well. - I know, I know it's hard. It's like, I like to see people's facial expressions. - Yeah. - You know, I weirdly do like talking on the phone. I think it's from like years of commuting to do standup and then driving on the road and like, yeah. There were times in my life where I feel like, I'll just, we kept in touch in a crazy way 'cause I had all these like two-hour drives for standup and I would just call, I would call you, I would call Ben, I would call straight George. I just had like, the guys that now are just in my life constantly, we used to talk all the time. And so I kind of sometimes get into that. - And sometimes I had, I had like, when I was dating girls they would be like, it was right in the sweet spot of like me feeling like an old man when I'd be like, I would call like a girl who was like, you know, six years younger than me on the phone. She'd be like, what are you, my fucking dad? Like I miss, face, face down to me is weird. And texting is like, I actually feel the way you feel about the phone about texting, I think. I actually fucking despise it in a, I'm just, I don't like doing it. Like if I wasn't in a couple of group chats with friends, I don't feel like that's a real connection. Only when I'm really like at my laptop and almost it's instant messenger. Do I feel like I'm having a conversation with someone? - At your laptop on instant messenger. - What's up? - On instant messenger on your laptop? - I mean, yeah, you know, when like you have fucking - When you're live chatting, huh? - When you're live chatting, you're shooting off messages. Like, I'm going crazy. - Yeah. - I'm like having a real, like, they feel like aim to post your eye message, you know? That's rare, that's your on a flight or some shit. You know, I'm like, when the fuck are you ever gonna, the only time I ever had those conversations, I'm like, I'm literally on like some five hour flight. And I'm like, yeah, fuck it. This person wants to keep talking to me. - Yeah. - He's up to flight. Nice. - Smarter child. - Smarter child, the original, yeah. Bring back Smarter child. - I should. - Yeah, that was cool to be like, so are you a fucking bitch, Smarter child? - Yeah, so just, yeah. - Design some kind of, if you want to cut it off, design some kind of like relay system where it actually puts her in touch with Smarter child. - Yes. - When she's texting you. - You need an AI. - Yeah. - Oh, that's true. You need an even bigger dramatic reveal. Go back and pretend she's never spoken to you. She's been talking to your AI or your chatbot. And she'll feel like, this guy doesn't know me at all. She'll feel what you're feeling with the bitch tattoo, with the fake realization that she's never spoken to you. But in reality, she has been talking to you, but you're just not listening at all, 'cause you're thinking about nutting on her. (laughing) And you had one brief moment of clarity for the first time in its 16 months where you're like, "Wait, do I even fucking give a fuck about this lady?" And the answer might be no. - Yeah, this is always what it took to be glad it happened. - Yeah, yeah, sooner than later. - Well, I think that's gonna do for us here on Stavvy's world, folks, go watch the history of concrete. - Wow, you really should, it's very good. - It is really fucking good. Like I said, I've seen it three times. - Wow. - One time in theaters and sober. (laughing) - All right, thank you. - But if you can't see it, there's go see it. It's fun as fuck. And yeah, just go to the actual theater. - Go to the cinema. - The cinema, what's the year round? - Name of it? - Low cinema. - Low cinema? - Yeah, LW. - But yeah, you don't gotta see it there. You know, the run will end there eventually. But yeah, just go around, laugh with other people. It's a very good feeling. - It's very funny to think you literally found a way to make, you know, documentary comedic filmmaking into a small business. 'Cause you're like, eventually I will run my own film at my cinema and try to pick it for it. I mean, this is like what immigrants think in your movies is. You buy a small cinema, you put your movies in there for free. - Yeah, exactly. - But it's very funny that you have sort of turned rich would into like a village. - Yeah, yeah, it is kind of like this, kind of Ghanaian way of like, you know. - Yeah, we'll make our money back. - 12 bucks a pop. - Yeah, on Madness at my, at the cinema, I own. - Yeah, well that's the thing is that one with Magnolia, well I was like, I was like, when the movie was about to come out, I was like, do I have to pay? Do you guys to play my own movie at my own movie theater? And they were like, oh, that's unprecedented, yeah. - Wow. - Those cock suckers. (laughing) - But after the first 45 days, then we get to keep, we have to pay them like 50% or something. - Gotcha. - For the first 45 days. - Oh right, second run movie theater type stuff. I, do you ever grow up going to those where it's like they're playing? Yeah, I saw Stuart Little nine months after it came out. - Yeah, or like lost in space or something. - Yes, yes, yes, yes. - Yeah, we're kind of like that. We're trying to get some more first run stuff. I don't know. You're, you're, you're thing to go in theater. - It's one. - The Santa was special. - No, no, no. - That was Netflix, right? - Netflix, yep, yep, yep, yep. Yeah, but you know, I don't know. I've been thinking about what does especially even mean anymore. They're so, it's like such an, it is in reality an outdated concept where it was, you got a cool director to make it. I don't know. - No, I love it, don't get me wrong. I'm really proud of it. And like, yes, Matt, it was awesome working with Matt. But I just mean like culturally, these things existed when you didn't have access to stand-ups when it was like, I really, and by the way, they didn't tour as much or you lived somewhere. So it's like, it was awesome to be like, whoa, Richard Pryor is gonna do an hour of his best stuff and put it in movie theaters. Whereas now it's like people are sick of their favorite comics. They hear me talk three hours a week maybe, minimum, or at least an hour and a half, whatever. Then we're posting clips. Then we're out on everybody else's fucking podcast. It's just like, it just makes you rethink. Whereas something like putting it in theaters is interesting or putting like a non-completely finished version of it in communal spaces where it's like, 'cause if the whole point is let's get more people to see it, maybe like, I mean, yeah, anyway. - I'm less interested in the idea of viewers than I am in the idea of just having an optimized way to watch it, you know, just like with other people. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, totally. The communal experience is so, is very important. So it's like, yes, I guess what I'm saying, what I'm trying to get at is like, look, most people can see the shit online if left to their own devices. Or I have to go do it in person basically. It's like, is like showing stuff in theaters for maybe even free, like talking to cool indie theaters and being like, charge nothing. - I mean, that's what we did with the Sherman Star Sherman special. - Yeah. - Yeah, then we just like showed it for free. - That's awesome. I mean, we would have charged money for it. - Of course, yeah, yeah, legally. - No, wait, we wouldn't have made anything. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. - Yeah, I mean, a lot of guys, we all offered soup and a use of a restroom for seven minutes with signing up of every take it to see Sarah. - Yeah. - Sarah's special. - John, thank you, brother. Thanks for doing the part of this. - Yeah, thanks for having me, man. - I can't wait. I have not checked out. The, you know, he's a big fan of your cinemas or his friend of the show Zach Cherry. - Oh, yeah. - He goes all the time. I've been meaning to go, I've been meaning to go check out a picture with my boy. But yeah, I'm excited, man. - Yeah, anytime. Let me know when you wanna come. We always save tickets for the door. So I was just like, you know. - I will hit you up for free. - We got, we got nice seats. I love the comfortable. - Comfy's big with a bad back. - I've been watching a lot of movies and I will say is some of our beautiful movie palaces. They need a refresh bad. - They need a refresh. - They need a refresh real bad. - We got our seats from a strip mall church in like Ann Arbor, something. - That's so awesome. - That there was like a website called Seats and Chairs.com. (laughing) That there's a phone number. There's one guy that picks up the phone. It is the most like Tim Robinson like asks. - Hello. - Job. - How many you need? - How many seats are chairs do you want? (laughing) - Now are we doing seats or chairs today? (laughing) All right, so check out the how-to archives which John doesn't get paid. Check more importantly, check out the history of concrete and finally check out seats and chairs.com. (laughing) For all of you. - Please do, yeah. - If you're looking for a movie theater seat. - Me. - Sounds like they got you covered. - If that's the one thing that's stopping you from opening your own theater, hit this guy's got you covered. - Guys got you covered. - We'll see you next time, guy. Oh, and I get, now we're done plugging the special. It's over. We'll see you next time, bye. - See you at the special. - Thank you. (upbeat music)