#200 - Kam Patterson

(upbeat music) - Hoppa! Welcome everybody to Stavis World 904, 800 Stavis. Call the Stavis World Hotline sponsored by visible. We'll solve all your problems, baby. And today on the couch, very happy to have Cam Patterson, Cam, thank you for coming. - Oh, yes, sir. - Thanks for coming out. Florida zone. - Come on, man. - West Orlando zone. - Yeah, West Orlando. I didn't know, what's the Orlando West East divide? - Is it West East or is it like, 'cause Baltimore is very East and West Baltimore. - Yeah. - There's no real North South. I mean, I guess Southwest Baltimore, is there like a, what's the divide in Orlando? How does it go? - Oh. - And is one of your rivals on the other side of town, like Mickey Mouse. - No, that's because of me. That's over it. - Okay, okay. - I'm not in Orlando. - It's a big thing from being out of the air. - It's pissing me off. - Everyone thinks Mickey Mouse. - Yeah, no. - We got a universal, that's in Orlando. That's our seat, like, we fall universal, that's good. I'm cool with it. - Yeah, I ain't really a big. - Yeah. - I realized I had to stop saying fuck Disney on the park. 'Cause I would, I mean, I would like to do maybe something within one day. But I've said fuck Disney. I said fuck Disney on the top of it. Like, I'm gonna put that nigga, that's enough. Don't give him no roles, man. - You're really painting yourself and doing NBC Universal Corner. - Yeah, that's it. - I thought, like, this motherfucker's a fucking universal man. He's a company man. - It's a real man. - You're right, yeah. - Fuck Disney. (laughing) - I thought we were laughing. - Yeah, fuck Disney. - Fuck the movement of it. (laughing) - Hell yeah, well, I'm, yeah, I, cam's views on Disney or his own. (laughing) - I actually have, they've done anything. What's Disney put out of Banger? - They do shit. - Toy Story 5, it's like. - Did you see it? - No, I didn't, but it's like five. The thing is, I love sequels to movies when they're shitty action movies. - Or shitty horror movies. - Yeah. - When you get the five, that can't be good still. - What's the plan? - What's the last five that was really good? - I would say don't only read the five sucked dick. - Yeah. - Rocky 4 is incredible. I guess four, Rocky 4 is all, and then Creed is so good. I love Creed, but it kind of tops out of four, and then I recently watched Friday 13th, 8th and 10. Aw, some 'cause they're so bad, right? They're, like, one is on 8th, they go to Manhattan. They sail a boat from Lake Pleasant, or what is it was in Friday 13th, Placid? I'm a fucking, I'm gonna be exposed as a fake horror fan, which I am, but my friends, I'm not a horror guy, but they sail from there to Manhattan, from a lake in upstate New York to Manhattan, and they're like, at some points it feels like they're in the ocean, they're in the like, oh shit, it makes no sense. And then 10, Jason is in space. - That makes no, that makes sense. - Yeah, the lake, man, that's, that don't make no sense. That's the space, Jason's face. - No, that makes, I can see how they throw that, too. - Yeah, I mean, it's a simple pitch. - Hey, very, it's just that, Jason in space. Your response was what those fucking-- - No, I don't exactly, what they were like. - You're a genius, man. - We're doing it. - We have to get this bet. - Hell yeah, dude, yeah, no. But anyway, I don't know, maybe there's this phone off. Who knows, I haven't, I don't know, when's the last awesome new shit they've done? I mean, I just hate the niggas always be like, "Oh, Orlando, it didn't, can I just like our big thing?" - Sure. - But it's like, but it's over there. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. - Like it's far away. - 'Cause every time I've done gigs, it really feels like this. Like even the hotels that aren't Disney, one time me and Elder stayed in the fucking, it was called like the Castle of Magic Hotel. And it's like, it's clearly like, 80 minutes from Disney, and they're trying to trick, like-- - They're trying to trick your brain. - They're trying to trick like a thrifty mom or dad, doing a vacation, like, "Oh, we're staying at the Castle Magic." And it has nothing to do with this. - No, I did, it closed to me. - No, there's nothing to do with that from me. - It's so funny, dude, yeah. But I get, so was that, yeah, it is hard to set, like, who's the biggest cool, or, it's kind of hard to be cool when your city is Disney affiliate. - Yeah, it's kind of, that's a hard hole, you have to dig out of it. - It's hard to be like, "Brahmscreen" in this time, but Mickey Mouse is like your neighbor. - That's really tough. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Like, nah, I really like, niggas, I know like Rob and like, "Ribb, do you see that?" - Right, right. - But Mickey Mouse is like your dog. - It's really tough to be a street. - Of course. - And make a Mickey Mouse show home. - When there's like, on the same corners, you could sell drugs on, so I'm gonna selling boot, like Disney merch on. - Yeah, there's a guy, you know. - There's a street lamp, shape light, Mickey Mouse. You can't be a, under the daisy duck. Under the light of daisy duck, you can't really sell crack. - Yeah, damn, they make it really hard to be a dog. They make it so tough to be a real niggas. They don't know how hard it made it. It's really fucked up what they did. - Yeah, you guys are getting your, I mean, I feel like South Florida's everybody, that's kind of like the Miami vibe. That's what everybody thinks of. And I mean, like, you know, what are even, all right, is anybody, like, do you have city pride? Are there, is there any good musicians that, who's out of Orlando? - We got a hot boy. - Yeah. - We had, we had Glotman, it was cool. - Oh, okay. - And now that's, that's, that's well. - Do you, do you not, do you not fuck with anything? Like, do you claim Florida in general? Do you feel allegiance to Orlando specifically? - Not claim Florida in general. - Yes. - But I'm not like, even though the whole, it dilutes the music. - Yeah, as a whole, yeah, yeah. As a whole. 'Cause it's like, also, like, we are insane. - Totally. - We have, we have insane state. It really is fucking crazy. It's the most, I remember we were driving through like, back in the day before I even had like, you know, elders being a tour. Like me, actually, I was opening for Bobby. And we went to these, like, fucked up towns in Florida. And it was just like, you'll, you'll see an old white woman who truly sounds like Gucci man. Like, it's fucking nuts. It'll just be like, she looks like a, like a, like a, you know, a grandmine. She just has the deepest. - I'll use that all. - What the fuck did you say? - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. - Make a cook is the same thing. - Did you, so you, were you born and raised? - Yeah. - Okay, interesting hell, yeah. I mean, you're pretty young. - 27. - 27, okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. So you went straight from, you went to Orlando, and then did you move to Austin briefly before coming here? - Yeah, it was also two years. - Oh, two years, okay, nice. Hell yeah, dude. What was the, how many, how many siblings should you have? - I got, I got four siblings and five siblings. - Hell yeah. - It's like I got two older, two young. - Oh, nice, right in the middle. - Yeah, yeah, the record. Did you have any middle child shit? 'Cause you, I feel like most middle children, like withdrawn, you're very fucking outgoing. - No. - You think you just needed to get attention? - I don't know my mom, I'm only a kid. - Oh, I see, I see, I see. - You know what I'm saying? But all the other ones, they got like a pair. - I see, yeah, yeah, yeah. - The older two. - They like four, and then the other two younger two or four, and then they're just like, I'm just a head. - I see, I see. - So you're, yeah, you're a middle, you're sort of a middle child, but you got your own setup. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Interesting. - Like I would go to my, I'd be at my mom's house, and I'd be vibing by myself, telling it. And then I go to my dad's, and now I have siblings. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - It was very funny 'cause I grown up, and my mom stayed like, subbing my dad, just stayed like the hood. So it'd be funny like, to like, my mama would get all the room by yourself. - Yeah. - But she wouldn't let me do nothing, like she would. I couldn't go outside around the corner and like that. I was like, this was very like locked down. - Totally. - And I go to my dad's house, he'd be like, "Hey, nigga, like, you know how to get home." - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. - You know how to get back, totally, totally. There's some pizza on the kitchen island. - Yeah. - Oh, there's, it's been out all day. - Look at that, man. - My nigga, that I believe in you, so wait, so it was older, and then younger. So your parents, did your dad, why did that work? - My dad had his first wife. - God, you had the first two, then my mom, and his third wife. - God, you got that mom. As he set up now, you think it's gonna step mom's the last one? - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - He's retired. - Yeah, yeah. - Yeah. - No more, no more strange for pizza. - I'm 66, dawg, yeah. He got it, then my mom would be bloated, fuck man. But you can't. I'm not claiming them, they're not, that's not my sibling. I don't know them, how do I know them? That's like, oh, then that's like my, at this point's like, that's my nephew. - Little brother, when you're, you would be 27 years older than them. - That's tough. - It's too late, bro. - That's, I mean, when you see like, Wow, Pacino's still nutting in, in 27 year old, like people your age. - Yeah, that's tough. - But also it's like, I respect hangout. - Yeah. - It's crazy when it's not you. Like when you look at it, it's just like, "Oh, that's insane to do, right?" - I was like, I'm, I'm, I'm old. - Now, now, why not get a vasectomy out? - You got old gizz, I mean. - 'Cause you're gonna, he's gonna die, and if a kid's not gonna hold a fuck he is. - He's right, exactly. - 'Cause look, I respect busting inside. I'm, I'm not gonna come here, hey. - I'm not gonna come here in a public platform and come out against treating yourself to an inside nut. - It's the best thing in the world, man. - It's literally biologically. - Like, it's a, oh man, it's like, it's true. - What we were evolved to avoid it, and everything, truly. So I get it, but ow, you're fucking 84, whatever age you are. And you aren't, listen, you are a legend. I get that. Why not snip your old nuts? How hard would it be to do a vasectomy on an old guy? But you could do it with like, with tweezers. - You know, you got it? - Yeah. - But you know, clap to hold. (laughing) - Put that into a deep. - Alright, this is good. - If he goes down a really fast elevator. - Yeah. - And his nuts kinda jumped up a little bit. - No, on a rollercoaster. - Taking the universal. - Yeah, same reason. - Yeah. - We put them on a balaster coaster. (laughing) - They don't ride that being two, three times. - Spramble is nuts. - Yeah, no more kids. - Like, have you ever seen a viral video where they shake an egg, and they boil it and then it comes out yellow like red and sex? - Do that to Alpogino's mouth. - You know what I'm gonna do? - He said to me, that's Tito, not gonna be the sense. He might break us up there. Now, rollercoaster three times. - Roll coaster three times and Al's good. - Yeah. - You're not fucking right. But last the coast, that's it, that's it. That's it. - I was not an amusement park's guy. - For real? - Yeah, I was also, I was truly a coward, I was scared of roller coasters. Me and my brothers almost died in Wildwood, New Jersey on like some fucking tilt the world shit. - Oh, that's, that's pussy. - I know, that's what I'm saying. And after that, 'cause we was like, you know, a fucking child running the thing. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - And he just was like, oh, my bad. And he didn't give, nobody gave a fuck. - Oh, yeah, I'm with that for real. - No, dude, I don't mean I got scared. I mean, we got out of the thing and the fucking carny running it just started it up. 'Cause it was just me and my brothers, it was like a very horrible carnival. It was like off-season wildwood in New Jersey. My, we used to go to Greece and then we, you know, had no money obviously. - Yeah. - And so my dad, so they tried one year, my parents were like, well, go to the beach in New Jersey. Worst fucking beach of all time. And yeah, literally, it was just me and my brothers, and we kept getting up and going around. And one time this guy just like, wasn't paying attention. We got out of our seats and he fucking started it up again. And I think I'm a little, I also had, I think I was way too young when I went on this really little, little dick like dragon rollercoaster at the Greek festival. Shout out to St. Nicholas. And that scared me when I was four. And I wonder if I waited till I was six if I'd have a different relationship with rollercoasters. But I'm also a coward when it comes to that shit anyway. So that's part of why I wasn't, you know, that amped. And when you're a little fat child, every snack is so expensive, your parent isn't buying you. It's not that much fun. No, dude, I'd rather just, you know, but I don't know. Again, or you're in the shadow of Orlando. Yeah, that's the culture around it. I was, I was, I was in some account one time, and I almost, I'm with that on the Hulk at Universal. Oh, shit. Because I was, I was too, I was too small to go on the ride. Yeah. But they kind of just, like, they just stand between two counselors and like, nah, you good. And then I got on the ride. I was like, oh, there's a reason you have to be assertive. You're slipping and I'm truly holding on for my, my dear life. Were you two fat counselors or regular? Regular side, but I'm a, I was literally, I'm five, eight now. I see. You know what I'm saying? So then I was like, one of skinny as a kid. Yeah, what little shit? I'm nimble. I see, I see. You feel me? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Truly holding on for my life. What kind of summer camp was it? Like a, it was like one of summer camp. They said, like, how the kids do like do other shit? Sure. Yeah, that one. I was skinny at one time on how we did in Florida. That was cool though. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I enjoyed it. You enjoyed ice skating? Oh, it's fun. I could do that shit now. Really? Yeah. I'm bad. That's another thing. I, they would take us to, because I went to like a summer camp with my, like, you know, the wreck center at the end of my school. And they would do some shit like that too where they would take us ice skating. We would, it was mostly like, we, we did like public rules, public rings and shit like that. Patterson Park actually in bulk. Yeah, yeah. That's all right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Patterson Park. Yeah, right by there. I grew up right over there. And I was so fucking, I was like clinging on to the shit. Yeah. I was so embanked. I can roller skate. I used to be a dude. I'm never roller skating again. I mean, I'm done dude. I threw my fucking back out this year and I was like, no more washed, bro. It's no more. No more. No more, like, no more anything where a freak accident could paralyze me now, because my, my fucking, my, my spine, bro is like, it's, it's the beat. It's like the BQE. It's fucking crumbling. What is it? The BQE is a, the ass, apparently the biggest fucking highway from Brooklyn to Queens, Brooklyn, Queens Expressway, the concrete on that shit was only supposed to, they're supposed to replace it like 40 years ago. And it was only made for like half the traffic, because when they designed it, nobody had fucking cars. Yeah. And now it's like, hey, the shit's about to fucking explode. Like, truly, John Wilson just, he did a documentary called The History of Concrete. And I think they talk about that in it. And he, he did a documentary about concrete and he was like, I will no longer drive on the BQE. So take that at whatever you guys want to do. You know, I got to figure out what it is right now. There's a lot of views. I don't know what the fuck. I have no idea. That's the biggest breeze. What do you, what do you mean? There's not a, bro. I don't know. I don't, I'm fucking dumb too. I just heard it's crumbling. And that's what my spine is like. Uh-huh. But yeah, it's apparently we're fucked that the infrastructure is just fucking completely fucked. Yeah. But it was never supposed to add as many people. No, that is true. That is true. It is funny when you see some shit about New York and it's like, it was like a little farming Dutch village, basically where Wall Street is, like the very bottom of Manhattan. Yeah. And then all this shit happened off that. That's fucking nuts, dude. We just built up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. People go up. Everything is. Yeah. Have you been liking it? I mean, New York is a different vibe. Yeah. Then the game plan with the gear anyway. Oh, okay. You're always in New York. Oh, yeah. The game plan with the gear off the dribble. I love it. Did you ever, like when you were a little kid going to these like camps, did you ever, is that where you did some performance? Like was there ever like a talent show, was there like a player or some shit? No. No. No, I was, I was, people kept me away from microphones real young. Yeah. Yeah. Like you put a microphone in this nigga face. Whatever. Don't need to be said. With all time. Did you get in trouble for saying wild shit is a little kid? What? Yeah. I got, at my grandma birthday party with you, like turning like 60 or something. Yeah. All my cousins got up and said how much they loved my grandma. And then we got up there with like, oh, I love Granny. Because Granny takes me here. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But then they were like, you know, I understand like my cousins are all scared of my grandma house. I used to go to my grandma house all the time. I knew my grandma. I love my grandma. Yeah. I knew my grandma. You had a real relationship. Yeah. So they, they be like, oh, Granny does this for me and I love dad. And I got, and I was like, one thing I tell you about Granny, I'm, bro, I'm 10. One thing I tell you about Granny. Granny like to go to the arcade. I know that was at the time. Gamble. I think Gamble. So you're exposed. Yeah. Exposing my grandma off the dribble. Hey. First of all, my grandma would be counting like shit. And then when she go to Gamble, I'm going to tell you this, she'll be like, oh, Jazzy, the dog. Watch, Cameron. Bitch. Her dog will wash me up. And I said, I never like take the mic, take, take the mic, put them in, put them somewhere. Yeah. Yeah, please. This is a classic like family. Everybody from the family. Yeah. Because it's like grandma, everyone that just fucking, she essentially caused their birth. Yes. So it's like probably 40, 50. And my like family is in her town, so it's like, and it's like she like, and like, and she like the else. And somebody says she, she like being in the church, so it's like more, I said, just family. So I see. I'm going crazy in front of like half a gang, just a pillar of the Gainesville community. Yes. I'm going off. You don't understand, but like, she'd be gambling in my face. Somebody get the mic from Cam. Yeah. Yeah. Was this your mom or dad's mom? My mom. Okay. Yeah, my dad's out of the family. It should be like a folk tale, bro. Okay. It should be like, I'm in one time there. - One of my, one of my, one of my, my dad got 13-brans sisters. - Holy shit. - We got like, it's like, - Damn. - Vim is a lot of them. - So him going with five is like, he's being my-- - Yeah, he's chilling. - Yeah. - My grandpa, that bit. - Damn. - Popping the mat. - And what it was, did grandpa do a similar move? Three or more spouses or was one-- - No, one. - One, one. - Yeah, my grandma had all of them. - Damn. - And they all liked the clumps. (laughing) - Oh, I shit you not. - I shit you not, they all liked a different version of my dad. Like, I, I, I, I, I'm out in the pitch. - That's awesome. - Fucking awesome. - They all like, and I don't know all their names. I love 'em. (laughing) - Love 'em. - So many aunts and uncles, so you don't even-- - I love 'em though. - But it's so mean. - That's so fucking fun. - But over there, like, I mean one of my cousins that I ain't seen if I ever, and I had just be like, hey, hey, wait, you know what you did? When you was seven, I'm like, oh, you, you're talking about. It's the one day I remember you came, you came through Jacksonville, and the, the minivan opened up, you ran, beat me my leg, and he ran all. - Beat you. - I was like, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. - I'm sorry, I apologize though. - Yeah, damn dude. So we're talking, did they ever have like, the classic huge black family reunion with them? - That would hence, like the, I was always so envious when I would go to the park, and I would see like, 200 black people, and just smell like, truly like ribs, and they got the grill going, and I'm like, you know, with my, we're just there to like play fucking the soccer or whatever. - Yeah. - That's awesome. - Now as though, I come from a very small, like Greek people usually have a lot of cousins and shit, but I come from like, two cousins on one side, one cousin on the other side, pisses me the fuck off. - I would want a huge fucking, I would want a family so big you could accidentally fuck a cousin and not realize it. - That's crazy. - I don't want to do it. - But if I, and I want to be eligible for it. - Yeah, I bet, I bet, I bet, I bet, I bet. That's what it is. I just want that to be something that could happen to me by accident. But yeah, right now, I just got, we're real, but that always looked fun as far. - Yeah, man, I missed my last one. I try to get off when we do my family news, 'cause I try to like, that do shows and shit. I missed the last one, and they said my cousin, my cousin, Bianca, she had lesbian, so she felt like me. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, same style. - Yeah, yeah, same like, same, but yeah, yeah. But they were like, she would have her time, like, she had got a fake, go y'all back, and she was gonna create all that shit. - I missed the last day shit. - The last one I went to was playing crops in the hotel room, and as a pitch, I got to find this pitch of dollar. And we in the hotel, we playing crops. And my cousin is on the floor, shirtless, all fours. (laughing) - Big neck, big neck. - I love that they're taking over like a fucking Marriott. - Oh, yeah, we fucking shooting Dyson a fucking holiday in a store. - Like, we own, but that weekend, oh, we own that. - But my leg cousin did the finish shit. My leg cousin, my auntie daughter. So she, there's not like, there's not like, a lot of cousin of her age, like, but she's like a, it's like to her age, and she's like a, she's a big girl. She's like seven, but she's like a bully. - Sure, how old? - She's seven. - So she wanted to, she, she wasn't playing hide and seek, but everybody is an adult, then she asked all of us, like all of us, 'cause you're gonna play hide and seek, like, "Bom, who's 27?" (laughing) I'm not playing hide and seek, I shouldn't not, after she asked me, she asked all my cousins around me, right? And they were, we all said, "No, we were like, "we're not playing hide and seek with you." I, I will later, her and the other little cousin, they go, "Miss, hilarious." (laughing) - We were like, "We're gonna make you play hide and seek one "here another." (laughing) - Thank you, Reddit. (laughing) either you play hide secretly or this is an embryo. (laughing) - Those are your options, that's it. - Respect. - They locked, but we could find up for like an arm in a hat. - Holy fuck, that's so fucking funny. - We found him on the head of the store. I'm like, shh, don't say shit. When they look out of the table, don't fucking say nothing. - You hear me? - We're gonna play hide and seek. - That's so fucking funny. - That's he killed me. - That's fucking hilarious. - Oh, there's how we do it on the, it feels hotter in here than usual. Do we have? - No, I do just swear. - No, no, but me too, it's not just you, yeah, yeah. - How do we look, can you fucking lower the shit or text somebody to do it? - Yeah. - Yeah, there you go. We got fucking 80 people working out there. Somebody can fucking press down on the fucking air conditioner. This motherfucker, we still haven't figured out the air conditioning in here. And for this room to be kind of cold, the rest of the office has to be cold as fuck. And eldest is bitch as when we're all working here and not recording. He usually has this room cold as fuck, so you need like a Parker outside. The one time we're recording, it's fucking warm, you motherfucker. (laughing) - Do you ever meet an Albanian camp? - Albanian. - Do you have Albanians in Florida? - I'm talking, we probably do. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - I'm talking the thing, what's the most exotic white person you've made? - What style? - Exotic white. - Damn. Is there any kind of, any kind of like bulk? I mean, I'm trying to, Florida seems mostly to be like Hispanic white trash, you know, light-skinned Cubans or so. - Yeah, I would, East Island, East Island is mainly like, yeah, yeah, yeah. - Spent as people. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. I guess that, I don't even know, I guess there is like, in Tampa, there's a bunch of Greek people, but, you know. - Yeah, I'm trying to say, man, the most exotic white one, probably won't care, it's only when I met Ari. - Okay. - Yeah, oh true. - Estonia, that's a good one. - That's a good one, that's a good one. Yeah, that's one of those that I'm like, what the fuck? With those countries, you're like, were they communist or fascist? - Were they sort of both in a weird way? Like a lot of, you a lot of-- - Was all planned over there, though. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Yeah, I mean, that's some other shit, those motherfuckers, you know. Some of that Eastern European shit gets fucking sad. - Yeah. - Like, gets sad. - Oh, yeah, yeah. - He's literally a refugee from Albania. - Thank you so much. - Yep. - Yeah, I am. - We got, we came around the lottery, like we got sponsored by a church in Greece and a church in Baltimore. They helped set us up and everything. - Yeah, dude. - So we are some, off the boat, if his parents didn't win a lottery, fucking 40 years ago. - So this motherfucker would be a sheep farmer right now. - This fucking guy would not change the English at all, dude. - Yeah. - Isn't that crazy? I was born here, this, he's not eligible to be president. - I am. - Fam. - Yeah, yeah. - We'll change that a lot. - Yeah, that is funny, sir. - I could be the president. - Yeah. - I could do it. - I have not. - You could not do it. - Don't press that, I'd draw fucking five numbers. - Yeah. - The America Power Ball. - Say it, say it, say it, say it, say it, say it. - Damn it, tweluck. - God damn it. - I hate these go. - All right. I guess I'll go back to fucking shearing these fucking sheep. I guess I'll get my, give my grandma enough wool to make me a sweater for the winter. Potato soup. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - That damn it. - I know, dude, it's fucking, it is, it's fucking insane to think about that shit. - No, it's that. - Like, not even that far back. - Yeah. - Like this motherfucker sitting in front. You know, completely American guy. - Yeah. - Like just fucking, yeah, some goes different, or just a bribe hits the right Albanian and a different family gets to America. - Oh. - I do feel estranged from my culture. I got to really lock in and learn about the history of Albanian. - That's true, a little more. - Well, you're about to have a fucking kid. - Yeah, yeah. - But I have a kid in this place. - Thank you, thank you, yeah. - So yeah, you want a fucking honky, dude? - I know, I don't want a honky that won't know how to speak like Albanian. - I got to teach him. - You got to take them here. - Yeah, for sure. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - So they'll have fucking recover, hold them hostage. (laughing) - Send us our menu microphone. We want the podcast here. - The family that didn't get to go. - It was my dream be podcast producer. (laughing) You stole everything from me, Shula. (laughing) - That's fucking awesome, dude. - Yeah. - Do you, because of, I mean, what's your philosophy on kids? Since you come from such a huge family, you know, you're grant, you're so many cousins, even your immediate family of kids. Like, I want kids, I want kids, I want kids like now, bitch. - Oh really? - Yeah, I want kids like now. - You're ready to make a crucial error? - I mean, that's what everybody's saying. But for me, it's like, by test stories. So it's like, I have a kid. - What, I mean, I think a special number one. (laughing) - Welcome to the party special. - I mean, I said, Alisa Deek. That motherfucker keeps having kids. He keeps doing special things. - Well, what? - He's the fucking best storytelling comic. - Wow, wow. - He's incredible. And that motherfucker, he's a great example. - You know what I mean? - There's, there's worse guys to fucking try. - I get a kid. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - All right, fuck, he's gonna do something quick. (laughing) - Knee a new third in. - Yeah, man. - Here we go. Whoa, say something crazy, though. (laughing) - I bet, but look, I guess you're right. That shows my fucking dumb ass brain where I'm like, this is fun. These kids are babies. - Yeah. - He's barely 27, he just got on SNL. He's in no position to have children for a while, like, you know, you're fucking great grandparents. - What? - But I was turning them out. - My great dad, Palon. At 27, Palon. - Three. - He had to be old, baby, more. - Yeezy, probably way more, dude. - Right. - At least 27, if you ever fucking 13 kids. - Yeah, he'll Palon. - I gotta ask, Palon. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Maybe. - The pacing is crazy. - Oh, the pacing's huge. 'Cause I think about that shit, too, 'cause I'm like, I'm 37. If I want to have kids, which, you know, I don't really know if I give a fuck about, I think enough people around. I'm like so designed to be an uncle. - Yeah. - Then it's like, I said, I was there. I said, my dad would never put it to be a dad. - Yeah. (laughing) - He would never put it to be a, he'd put it to be my uncle when thousands of kids. (laughing) He would never put it to be my uncle. And then somehow, it was like, I was just giving the kid. - He went out of Pachino mode, too. - Now, rap shit. - Ah, you got him now. There you go. Yeah. 'Cause it's like, yeah, my dad is at this place where it's like, yeah, you're too much fun for a father. - So he's a fucking awesome dude. - Yeah, he's great. - I feel like we've got my dad too, where I'm like, if I met you as a guy, we would be bored. - Oh, yeah. - But as a dad, we have some crucial issues. - My dad had to do this thing. 'Cause he's so, it's the thing we're like, he's so proud of what I'm doing. But also, he understand, like, like, so I would do shows, and people would be, my dog, my dog Jarl, I'm opening it to him. He'll see it, so watch this happen. I've been agreeing with Chad, I didn't agree, you know what I'm saying? - Yeah. - I don't met everybody all that shit. He'll watch like a guy leaving that didn't get to meet me. - Mm-hmm. - He'll be like, you want to meet him? - You're dad, Will? - Yeah, let's just bring him back to the room. - But bring him back to the room. - And look what I found about that, looking for you. And then he was walking out the door with that blood. I got, I have so much access to this nigga. You would not believe. - Your dad is selling bootleg meat and greets. (laughing) He's fucking propping open the door to the kitchen of the funny bone. Come on, fellas. Don't, hey, don't touch any front. - No, no. - No sticks. - You just can't admit it, no other shit. You want food, I say you food. (laughing) You just can't admit the guy. - Yeah. And then he goes and puts in the order. He's also taking their orders and putting it on your tab. (laughing) He's selling them fucking tenders and shit. That's so funny. - My dad's the same. - What was like what, like what kind, he was just like a party guy? Like what was his thing? Did he have gambling? - No, my dad don't drink a smoke. - Really? - Nothing. He just like a goofy guy. - Gotcha. - He's like just a truly a goofy individual. - What do you do growing up with his job? - So, he's like super well. His parents are super like religious. They're like apostolic stuff like that. - Oh, interesting. - Yeah. - What's the aspect of it? - Are they tongues? - I don't. - Hell, let's check fucking do what we're doing. - Yeah, I know. I can't describe, I can't figure it out. - No figured out. - But he grew up religious as fuck. And these are the 13, that makes sense, 13 kids. That's like some fucking, like the way we think about like, yeah, amish people. - Yeah, yeah, you know what I mean? Am I dead? Am I dead? Only James was really the work with his dad. - Oh, cool. And you've done that. - So, like, what do you mean? - I was like, architect. - Sick dude. - Wow, that's fucking awesome. It's so funny to be an architect. That's so funny to be an architect and have 13 kids. - It is very sick. - Cause that's like a, you think about that. And you're like, oh, I don't know. Where do they have a fucking family business? And they wanted free, like labor. Cause that's my grandmother. They had like all, they can't have kids like, work at their store. You know what I mean? So, it's so funny to just be at a desk doing a white collar job and then being like, all right, time to fuck my life. (laughing) Number 10, keep on the way. Fuck, I gotta keep fucking making houses. I gotta keep drawing fucking bridges and shit. (laughing) - No, it is. Fuck yeah. So your dad wanted to be an architect. And he just, but he didn't. - Yeah, I mean, I'm a, I tell him about the time, man. I guess. (laughing) - What is that? What are you, how can you be sort of an architect? - My dad was like, I don't know. Okay, so I tell him about the time. I tell him all this shit, 'cause it'd be like, like, 'cause you know when you're young, 'cause you don't really know. So, I'm like, my mom's about to attend it. But until I was like, until I was like 11, I don't think I knew it. - Dude, that's so, your parents have like the two top, like TV show jobs. - The truth. - Like film jobs, every guy's an architect and like every woman's like a fucking, that's so fucking awesome. - Yeah. - Those are fun. And I bet you got to fly. - Why is that? - That's a funny thing. - Do you, you were going on the buddy pass? - Yeah, when I first started, well, I would go place and I'd be like, "Hey, bro, like, you ain't got to pay me, "let's open up, I'll get there." - That's, dude, as a broke comic trying to work the road, look, 'cause I had very briefly, a girlfriend in college who I basically broke on me because I was doing too much stand-up. And look, she was completely right. I completely, she was a nice person. I was like blowing her off to do open mics. - Yeah, I mean, but I'm a piece of shit. - It will happen. - We got her work. - We both, exactly. We both are doing good, whatever. but she, I was dating someone who was like, family member, how to believe it. Buddy Pass and the guy was her cousin was cool and I was kind of trying to maneuver and we traveled on a couple I was broke as fuck obviously. Yeah when I'm 20 or whatever we travel on a couple buddy passes and I was like Fuck dude. This I liked Connery so much even though I wasn't sure about the relationship. I was like This gets like serious. Maybe I could use the buddy passes But it's awesome so that so so you had no idea as a kid. You're like yeah, you don't really know I guess maybe your mom is getting dressed. He would always tell me just be like hey When you get older dog you gonna be able to do so much cool ass shit. Yeah, yeah, that's so yeah And your your mom's only kids do so you you really got the fuck. Yeah, it was like the flight attendant hookup So your sense but you were saying you were like you don't really know what you're fucking. Yeah, I didn't know they did about that I never asked them. I was just like and nigga just was always on the phone about to see and one time he was on the phone And he got a phone call and he's nigga. It's like I remember like I'm gonna be like 15 or something Oh nothing really loud in the nose like this is that this ain't 100% weird. He just went listen understand man Now if you want to put a post there we can do it The city not gonna but I can get it Selling fucked up blueprint That's really funny did because you never think about a shitty architect Every architect you think of is like a guy in a pristine suit. It is drafting table rolling up his sleeves But it's like it could be a guy and his fucking dining room. Yeah, like eating fucking Chinese. No, listen out. I'll make it happen Yeah, I can get it done. So you need a door that locks only from the inside In the basement. Yeah, I could probably design something like that We just 50 hundred niggas done tomorrow. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's fucking awesome. Dude, that's fucking I guess I knew what my dad did because he was a carpenter Yeah, and he just came home covered in saw dust and smelling like shit So you put that and I would go hey, I mean he would like baby babysitter since you might want to drop us off there And he did have a sick awesome He had a huge where's like workspace because we were friends with like you know The guy who had like a body shop in the same spot And so it's like it was big enough for you to like play soccer in shit It was fun, and you know you would watch fucking TV on the on the little shitty his little shitty break room. Yeah, it's brisk iced tea That was a big day. Those were nice. Those were nice Those were nice after I mean those were some of the I'm trying to I'm trying to be positive about like me and my dad And it was like those are some awesome memories but summertime drinking a fucking brisk Going to see Greek soccer at the coffee shop. Yeah great good shit But that's why I knew I would just go to his uh, I went to his fucking workshop both time My mom was a waitress and she brought home food. So I knew she. Yeah, I was very locked in on her job. I know exactly what you do Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know and you know what? My mom's been mad at me because of every fucking interview I do where they ask I say she brought home leftovers. Yeah, she was like no, no, no I made sure they made you fresh calamari She was like that was coming out of my end That was they wouldn't and her boss was kind of cheap and he wouldn't give her a full meal He was paying like half off but still that was coming out of her tip. So shout out to my mom I'm sorry for accusing you of giving me the leftovers in the in the fucking fight I do podcasts and come in when it comes to coming my dad with like the first one like being on war with it Yeah, so I say that and I want to be like hey, I You don't even I gave you a car when you got out of high school But that's like that's a different part of the green. Yeah, I wouldn't even do a standout. I would take your car I was selling weed yeah, I wouldn't like that one make it of course of course in that in that car right? I got your car Did you told you did? Yeah, tell me how you fucking crashed the car. I gave you I like to do my mom's side. Oh, I'm sorry. I had you in the suburbs in a nice house alone Yeah, yo, the guy who had you fucking eating hot cheetos for dinner Uncompletely on Unattended he was your fucking here. He's the guy. Okay. Yeah for sure I guess that's also a divorce kid thing. There's got to be a lot of like oh really You like him more than me. Oh my god, but one time my my cuz I did I didn't show I did my first like soda show back in Orlando. Yeah, and my Feeling when you look when you do the soda show at home. It's the bad man's the best shit up. I walk through I we go through the show with my mom's agree with my dad's there stuff and then my my dad's just looking at my mom She walked by and she don't say nothing. She could go messing with like high candy, but that was it. Yeah, yeah She walks back to the green room and they go you see this it I don't need a fucking bank you with nothing. Thank you as hilarious. I believed in it You don't say oh thank you for believing in our son Fucked up. He wanted credit for believing in his son from his ex-wife I could have been a real scumbag to him. I could have said no and all this. Yeah, none of this happens Well, you know what is true though like a parent should tell you no Yes, this is a bad idea or work and both of us got insanely lucky through we both should have gotten degrees and had real job Yeah, but we hit a lottery and the sensible parent is the right one to not believe in this. Yes. It's like there's so it's like Yeah, absolutely we shouldn't do this right? It was it and maybe the good way to like the dreamer Like when your dad's like awesome dude. That's a fucking great idea. Hey, that's awesome I mean like yeah, you want eight windows and one side Yeah, we can do a fucking wall windows. Yeah, no problem. Oh, but you don't want people to know you're looking at them Oh, yeah, it could be one way please don't worry about it Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, cuz yeah, that's actually a good point the pirate who believes in a stupid dream is actually a bad parent If a fight if your 18-year-old weed selling son is telling you I'm gonna be on TV pop I'm telling you like shut go go to fucking go get vocational school It's like hey go be an HVAC guy You should do this. Yeah, yeah in the Florida. That's big business. Hey, man My mom always tell me my mom like people ask her a tiny bit. I did you ever see the field sir and she always be like well I knew he couldn't work a regular What an incredible politician answer. That's that's a no that yeah, well my son was a fucking idiot if that's what you're asking me He could I mean he really couldn't do most of the things he could do to have a regular job So absolutely But I mean, you know God is good That's perfect. That's the perfect way to look at it So were you like real miss like you had you probably had some ADD shit? Yeah, like like learning this cuz like like what was were you acting up in school? I was never bad. I just wasn't like bird school. No sense. I should somebody else. She did not That's not how you learn sure. Of course. It just wasn't that she was never wasn't for me for it. Yeah, yeah, yeah Never like I could I could kinda focus like when it came to basketball season Cuz you can't play if your grades are bad. Yeah, but I had nigga. I had the most ups and downs the basketball player I was up and down so you were saying you ever have age and skinny as fuck. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, but I made a team never played. Yeah Oh never played but on practice you were you're probably full-court pressing starters. Come on, man You're like I'm gonna show you coach Yeah, yeah, but one time it was it was doing on my team He was cold, but trying to move his nigga name. He was cold, but he was like he was like too. He was like sophomore Like I mean like he was fired like pray first sophomore. He's playing varsity. Yeah, but wait wait better than me like Five thousand. By like a thousand. He's taking like practice like like because he's a fucking star Of course, it's all ma'am like you not even try hard I'm pissed like I'm like, man, you're not even fucking you're all this fucking talent. Yeah, yeah, yeah We're going out of this shit and then one first act of a body swap comedy Where it's like if I had your abilities, it would be so different I swivel team right then you both You both piss into an enchanted urinal at the same time and you switch bodies or whatever the fuck But oh, this is tough. Yeah. Oh, it's life sucks I just kills himself and you're stuck in his body like nice. Oh Just get to be fucking good at batch. Oh, the best That would be let's fucking do that movie I like that movie. No, no, it's actually a sketch dude. Go ahead fucking write that. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I'm gonna kill myself Wait a minute. Yeah, fuck it. That's so funny. So yeah, so you're mad at the star I'll start which by the way what a fucking door what a loser. Yeah, be like you need to try hard I was a really you're not even eating your vegetables and doing your home. Come on man. Yeah You could be great You gotta know man, you could fucking be somebody man Well, you wasting all this talent on what And I'm like I'm going off and then we do something and then like we go at it and I push them And like what's big mistake? Well, first of all the coaches when you push a star player My first one coaches my coach wasn't there my head coach wasn't even there like it was like it was like an assistant coach And so I push them this. I knew I didn't want to fight him I'm gonna tell you exactly the moment I realized so he had like on a compression shirt. Mm-hmm We've been practicing so you just sweat like you know, you know, hard to take those off. Of course. I blink compression shirt gone Like he doesn't make his his fit tack fucking but he took it off dry tack fucking bloody. He took it off so fast Man, I'm like, hey, man, you know, yeah, I'm fucking around. Hey look man. You do whatever you want to do It's your team, though. Like it's It's your world, man. It's so Put your name in the gym. I don't know why I don't I don't play. Yeah, but the name thing my coach gets back. He goes Her dream. His name blake. It's how I blake five great basketball break He goes I heard you're gonna heard you from this try to fight Blake And I was like, yeah, he actually got temperatures for that. He was like man. I'm glad you didn't do that man You know the fuck? like, "What if he would have broke his hand on your face?" [ Laughter ] And he said it, "Soak this hair like he cared about me." -Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't think you could have lived with that, can't I? -Bro, you're the fun always. -We want to suck dick 'cause you're a fucking piece of shit. - 'Cause you want to get mad, rostob, Leo. -Yeah, 'cause you wanted our star play to run suicides when the coach wasn't even there. -Come on, man. -You're talking about, also, when the coach is in there, that's supposed to be the funnest day of practice. -The best practice. -Round black. -I'm playing, you're just playing fucking pickup. And you're like, "Guys, can we do a little structure?" -Like, "Come on." -Can we run the weave? [ Laughter ] -We need to run more suicides. -We're not trying, is it? -You bring your own whistle. [ Laughter ] -That's fucking hilarious, dude. Yeah, that's fucking -- Did you ever -- What was your greatest moment? Did they ever -- Was it a blowout? Did they sub you in? Did you get any -- Did you score -- Did you have, like, one game that you're like, "All right, I had 22 or JV1." -Oh, there you go. -Yeah, but -- -That's big. -Yeah, but I also -- -By the way, can I just -- before we finish the story, how hilarious the psychology of men is that, like, you're in move. You were just in move with Kevin Hart, you're on SNL. And you're like, "Man, I had 22 on JV1s." And I'm -- Dude, I think about -- I had one game in middle school basketball, where they sub me into -- They sub me in as like -- You know when they -- Like, as a wake-up call to the starters? We're going to get the little fat white guy. He's going to -- He's playing center now, and I just went off. I just got so lucky I scored, like, fucking, you know, 12 -- 12 points in a middle school game. -Yeah. -And, like, you know, everyone's like -- And, like, it was the best because it was, like, a home game. I never played again. -Yeah. -But everyone -- All the away games, I don't even touch the phone. -I know, you'll mind. It's also like -- This is -- This is how it changes. -Of course. -Yeah. -Well, this -- Step one to the NBA. -Here's what -- -Yeah, yeah, yeah. -Home that night, like, this is -- -Man, I can't wait to get the bra. -Yeah. -Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. I've heard a lot of stuff about this kid in Akron. -Yeah. -Yeah, he's a little old to me. Just wait 'til I tangle with him. -Rist. -That's so fucking funny. So, 22 on JV, that must have felt incredible. -But also, like, I was -- So, this is the thing. I had two coaches that were two insane people. So, I was -- I was a junior on JV. -Hilarious. -And -- Here it is. Give me -- Give me -- Junior upper-class, bro. I'm 18. And that's her 18. Can I fail the second grade? I'm -- I'm -- I'm old as shit. Like, I'm -- I'm giving 40-year-olds real work. -Fucking funny dude. -I'm not even going to be good, bro. -He's just haven't even gone through people yet. -No, not even. I'm -- I'm -- I'm cooking these niggas. Like, I'm -- I'm going -- -Oh. -That gets crazy. Like, I -- I like this old dude. He had no idea. I still look, y'all. So, of course. -He's like, "Oh, this freshman is going to be somebody." -Yeah. -I'm eight. I'm a grown, man. -I -- You're -- -You voted. [ Laughter ] -I drove this game. [ Laughter ] -I drove this. -Your cooking gets it just got out of middle school. -Oh, I'm on it. I'm on it. -Oh, my God. -I don't -- I know I won't go be great, bro. But, like, by the way, we had -- I was a senior. Uh-uh. The new freshman coach seeing me was, like, "Well, you're going to be my son, like, Brom." -I'm actually -- I'm a grown, man. -I'm a grown man. If I hadn't failed second grade, I would be in community college. [ Laughter ] -I would be in my mother's garage bagging up fucking nickel bags right now, selling them off the corolla she gave me used. [ Laughter ] -Hey, speaking niggabat -- I told my dog, "I'm going to tear this door." -Yeah, yeah, pull it off. -I was on -- I was on -- I read their footlock. -I sold -- I sold a niggabat to a dude. And he gave it to me on all quarters. -Oh, man. -And I spent all the money on bubblegum. [ Laughter ] -I spent -- Oh, I told my dog, "Biz, I need to -- I spent all the money on bubblegum." -I mean, that shows you -- You were too young to sell drugs. -Yeah, that -- And I was never going to make -- -You're like, "Yay! Bubblegum!" -Hell, yeah! [ Laughter ] -What? -But every last quarter -- -Yeah. -I had a -- I had like a dollar to dollar. -Okay. -No, every quarter was bubblegum. Did you get any of those little toys in the plastic cylinders? You don't have to be like -- -I never lighted that. -I never lighted that. -Yeah, I didn't get any of those. -Maybe some runs. -Runs is fine. -Yeah, maybe some runs. -Runs is fine. -Where else came in a little -- In the little -- -These kids today, man. -No, this is some other old -- This is the -- I'm so happy to be washed, bro. But as I get to say all the stuff I'm mad the kids don't get anymore. And no baby is excited to see one of those little -- -You got a quarter? To them is like, "Disgusting." -Huh! Huh! -Yeah. -Why would it be in that thing? -Oh, yeah. Like, what do you mean? I just order anything I want off my mom's phone. -Yes, dude. -Like, babies know him. Like, a baby could order 400 twizzlers. -Wow. -My look at her was trying to do, like -- She was like -- Well, she was like, "Three." She was like, "The Googles did something like -- Google." Babishock. [ Laughter ] -Google! -Yeah. -Babishock. [ Laughter ] -But, dude, that's the thing. Elders, you got to take the Alexa's out of your home. -Yeah, but -- -You can't have your fucking kid being like, "Alexa?" -I'm worried about it, but I don't know. -And your brain -- You're already so fucking dumb and love AI that your kid is going to be even stupid. -I know. I'm on the screen all day. I'm like, "It's going to be hard to set a good example for my kid and take care of it." -Well, that's why you literally have to just come into the office might save your child from being -- I mean, look, it's fighting Albanian genes, so that's -- [ Laughter ] I'll be a bad boy. [ Laughter ] But, you know, your wife's side of the family, you know, they got some stuff there. That might be the saving grace. But, yeah, dude, when you see a baby like somebody, it was like a meme or whatever, somebody posted that like, this woman couldn't -- This mom was like trying to figure out their baby was saying like a word. She couldn't figure out, and it turned out she was calling her own mom, Alexa. Or maybe she was calling her teacher, Alexa. And it was like -- And it -- Because the baby was just used to like asking Alexa for shit, dude. That should fucking scare the fuck out of her. That's terrifying. Imagine like, imagine you were like 12, but now? Yeah. Alexa, titties. Of course. Alexa. Goose. Siri. Goose. Siri, boobs. Siri, girls, boobs. Boops bouncing up and down. [ Laughter ] Siri, girl, that looks like the girls that I go to high school with. [ Laughter ] No. [ Laughter ] Girl. The girl that looks like Sara from Algebra. You sitting in a bitch? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, no. These kids are gonna be able to do -- Oh, it's mad. They're gonna be able to face match. Oh, this is not good. Oh, this is bad. That's really bad. They're fucked. This is sad. And the thing is, if I grew up in a world. Right. It was 11, and I could get the exact -- The porn start was the closest match to the girl I wanted to fuck. There's no porn start with you. I'm a bad woman. You're an animal. You're a horny little animal. I don't even know. I just -- I just have to -- I'm a leaven. I got a nut. Yeah. I might need to -- I might need to make a pornography library in your home, eldest, for your child to use, to pleasure themselves, because they need -- we need to go -- we need to go back to -- Playboy? We got some playboys out there. But we need to go back to -- we need to go back to -- yes, image pornography. I think the videos have even cooked my brain. No, that's a lot. You know, let alone these children that have -- Twitter is -- It's tough. I took it off my phone, and it's been excellent for me because I would just be looking at -- oh, let me just scroll to it real fast. I would probably jack off, I would say 60% of the time I just got on Twitter. Oh, it's just because it's like, oh, nice. Tits, wait. It's right. What if that girl was fucking dick, too? It didn't. And then you just spiked it. Yeah. It's not even like -- What if it's like, oh, I know it. The next cut. It's something. Yeah. The only word about it. I'm like, the whole thing about it. Like, yo, what the fuck? That is, yeah. I mean, Twitter is -- it's so funny how much they fuck that website up. Where it's like, it's all Nazis and fucking girls getting their asses fucked. And it's like, what? It wasn't good before, but at least you could find out who got traded. Like, what is this? Like, I used to be able to -- every time Twitter was the funnest when like, like, the Luka trade. Yeah. The Luka trade old Twitter would have been so fun because I remember you get that -- you get that notification. You're like, what the fuck? I mean, the Sixers trade, the Celtics -- yeah. -- that Twitter is completely washed because back in the day, that would just be -- you would get -- and all of Twitter would be talking about that. And now it's like, you're fucking like -- No, it's a joke. You're like, it's Jews will not replace us. And then it's like fucking somebody -- you're like, listen to the bronjers and get in the hand. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's good. That's good. Someone's made AI porn. Like, LeBron getting his dick sucked by Thomas Jefferson. Welcome to Philadelphia Goat. That actually is good. That is -- we need -- that's the only good application of AI. You've been seeing the Jim Carrey in like all hood movies? No, that's all -- You haven't seen people like putting -- They put Jim Carrey like, painting food and like, putting just, isn't it? No, it's my favorite thing I've ever seen. It's Jim Carrey on a block with a -- with a drink, and then down the theme. I'm like, yeah, this is -- we keep -- this is good. It's tough because like -- it's tough because you do see -- if -- I feel bad for people that do use AI. I had a friend actually who was like, really early on AI before any of this shit. And he just thought it was really interesting to generate like thousands of images, pick the best one, then generate another thousand off those, pick the best one of those. And he would really painstakingly -- and it was before anybody knew anything about the water, whatever. And it was interesting, and there aren't interesting applications for it. But it's so cooked. It's fucked. Oh, yeah. You just can't -- I can't -- because that would make me laugh. And I will say the one thing that always works for me is when they take a video of a clearly homophobic man, and they edit the -- with AI and make it look like he's kissing someone. That to me -- like, if you show an old -- I mean -- I mean, an old black guy, that's the funniest thing you can do to that. Like, show them a video of them kissing a guy and they'll be like, they'll get, they'll like try and fight you. Like, you know, an old fucking, you know, Greek guy. Any old fucking like homophobic set in his ways immigrant or like black person. Like, any community that is still very homophobic, especially the older guys, you show them like a video of them hanging out with their boy and then edited for them to kiss each other. The best content there is that that I'm willing to maybe if we get a low water usage data center, if we put it somewhere, if we don't put it in it, you know, if we don't put it with a community that's already struggling, I'm willing to maybe do an exception for making old homophobic guys watch videos of them kissing another guy. I did Lucas McCoy and Liz Black did do a show at Austin and me and my OG, Jolly did it, David Jolly and they did that, they did that, they did us. We had like an old skit, that's so, we had like an old skit for like, like, like, 2021. That's so, oh, really? And so we're talking, like, we're doing the interview, we're talking to shit and then they start planning the background. We don't know. And Jolly, you gotta find this video and put this into the, put this into the episode of this. No, no. No. Yeah. Jolly, you're like, who's trying to write like, hey, come on, what the fuck going on? Liz, he walks out, there's no more questions, he just leaves me, he just leaves me. I start, they're doing like, there was like a thing I think they would do at that time. I'm like, people like had, they'd like, guy in front of us before. And so I just started robbing the dead body and I love it, it was, it was, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's fucking hilarious. That's beautiful. And again, we're looking at it right now and everybody's having a good life. Yeah, but it is, it is fucked up. Yeah, I mean, totally. Totally, it's crazy. I mean, yeah, it's like, also, I mean, let's be honest, they're just trying to get people to not, they're just, they're truly trying to stop us from having objective reality. Because now they can be like, well, that's didn't happen. Like, dude, if, for example, if Epstein's Island, if the Epstein shit was like, now, or like even in 10 years, they're just going to start, they would have made AI videos of every celebrity hanging out on Epstein's Island and be like, see, these are clearly fake to like, they're going to use that, dude, because like, they've completely destroyed journalism. And now they're like, even the stuff you see with your own eyes could be fake. And so now they're just going to make it to the point and they're going to scan every fucking, they're going to try and scan every book, learn shit from it, and then just burn the physical copies. I promise you, they're going to try and do that shit. We're fuck, bro, in a hilarious way, but we again want a lottery ticket. We get to fucking make money doing the dumbest shit of all time, including giving advice that we're not really experts on. So why don't we hit that motherfucking visible hotline? Oh, yeah, let's hit that visible hotline and let's, let's take some curls. I guess the stopby hotline sponsored by visible, visible, you know, you know you're doing business with. All right. We're not going to get it right every time. That's part of the charm. What up, stop, Elvis, esteemed guest. I'm calling because it's getting a little serious with this girl I'm talking. And I got some skeletons in the closet, I'm nervous about them coming out. The winch or a couple of weeks ago, she found out that I was fucking her ex-best friend, not during the current time, but I worked with them two years ago at the same restaurant. Oh, what? So when I left that restaurant, I was like, okay, I see you both are fucking with me. I hopped on one, then I hopped to the neck. You cannot, I mean, this is a, you built a home on a swamp. You did, like you were fucked from the jump that's never going to be serious. You hit that you fucked her and then me, I mean, ex-best friends means day, day, day, day, day. There's no, there's nothing good. So unless something changes, you're fucked. But go ahead. Let's let them go. Now, that happened two years ago. I only fucked home girl one. So the girl getting serious with, you know, we're out. She asked some questions like, hey, did you end up fucking home girl? Okay. All right. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. What he says is Christian. If he say he lies, he's fucked forever. But here's the thing. Why lie if you only fucked her once? Yeah. But it also, one is kind of the perfect amount. As a man who is like, what? What if I? Oh, I see it. You know, I know what you mean. What if I said it too, though? I know. I know what you mean. There's, there is an impulse to be like, let me just completely lie. Instead of, instead of taking my medicine, instead of being a, a courageous man, let me be a coward who could avoid all, all, you know, accountability for my actions. Is it? You know, and I get that. You're right. Because I've done in the past. Yeah. The urge to just lie when there's no reason to. Not at all. When a woman is pressing you on something, it's very, very strong. When I was younger, I was like, I was like, oh, she goes, can't. If you just tell women the truth, I promise with it better than a lie. Yeah. I mean, I'm a bit like 16, but like, bitch, what do you know about holes? Oh, is that true? How many? Are you sure it's only five from my dad? Yes. Be quiet. All right. Keep going. And when she initially asked a year ago, I said no. Oh, genius. You're a fucking genius. Oh, you're a fucking genius. You're a fucking. You're a fucking. You're a fucking. And you had it. You mother fuck. It was in your fingers because one time it's perfect. Because if you say no, you seem like you're lying. Yeah. And if you fucked her a bunch and you lie, oh, I only fucked her a couple times. Once was the purr, because you guys weren't together. And you could even be like, she was bad. It was she sucked. I don't know what I was thinking. It was a huge mistake. You actually had the most perfect answer. Because she knew it, right? Because they worked together clearly. It was flirting with them. Like, when you're in a restaurant environment, they all suck and fuck each other. Anyway, you had a beautiful out. I really don't see the escape route here. But let's, let's, you know, let's see more recently. Because I'm taking it a little more serious. I was honest with her. Did you bring it up or did she bring it up too late? A little more serious. Now the real caveat that's got nervous. Another caveat. I had sat down with her, talked to her about the whole situation. Because she was pretty upset because they had a big falling out. Like, I didn't realize the levels of like friendship that was there. Because I had just started working. Yeah, you were just fucking high making. So then you go to a Peno Poppers trying to find everyone you worked with. You didn't give a fuck with their inner inner lives. We're like, but that just knew they had big tits or a fat ass. We did our conversation. Did you, like, how many of my other friends had you fucked? And I immediately followed that up with, well, who would you consider a friend? Because I know for a fact, like her and this third girl, if you will, aren't friends anymore. And I did fuck her. So do I tell her before it gets more serious? You already fucked up. What do you mean? Fuck it. You didn't lie. Well, today, what do you mean she asked you a question? Did you answer it then or did you lie again? If you didn't, why didn't you say? She's like, what was that? I mean, don't make her call it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let me get some with my lawyer. Dude, this is so fucking funny. What do you mean, dude? She asked you a direct question and you obfuscated with a follow-up? You're like, well, what is, I mean, you pulled the Bill Clinton. What does it, what is is? Yeah. Whoa. What? How many times? Is there more? There's a little more. All right. This is insane. Way for about a month or it gets more serious. I mean, she's going away for about a month to Turkey. So I got a lot of time to sense. Do you want to just want to know your thoughts? Thank you guys. You think the longer you do another lie? You think you have a month? You think when she comes back fresh from vacation, feeling good. She's going to be like, ah, you know what? I'd love to hear another devastating truth. Another, another lie that could have been completely avoided. You had, dude, how did you not learn your, this is so fucking funny. Hey, it's a ghost that I like again. The first part of me lied. I guess this is the third time. This is my guy. You lied the first time. I guess he told the truth. I guess this is, this was a second lie. And he's saying, should I continue with the third lie, basically? And no, the sooner you tell the truth, the more your sentences are. Stop lying. You had to tell the truth now. I can't believe you said, who would you consider a friend? Plus, all right. Like, you telling it. You already got a lot. Obviously, fuck the bunch of girls you know. But what did you guys ever fucking get a tie and watch Spongebob together? Understand. Like, is it really your friend? That's the question. It's the worst wish I had. You could say you're still a friend. Oh, man, I'm sorry. It was so funny. Did he say his age? He's much be young as fuck. He did not. Because he worked, they met at a restaurant. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She's going to Turkey for a month, which means either she's like studying abroad or she's going on vacation with her family. Because who the fuck whose young can afford, you know, who, like who, who fucks a guy like this can afford to go on a month long vacation? Well, a month is crazy. Maybe her family's from there. I don't know what the situation is. But, um, or maybe I guess she could be gone for work who fucking knows. But yeah, dude, you're, this is a lesson to just heed Cam's stepmother's advice. Yes. And just tell the truth. Just tell the truth. It's the easy thing. Especially this. It's like. I could maybe see if the lie was like cheat on, if you did something really unforgivable and you're like, even though it's still obviously, that's more wrong to do. I could understand the human impulse to do it. Now again, this is the same impulse. This is when a baby doesn't want to get in trouble for like, it's like, oh, there's a tiny hand prince, a chocolate hand prince on the wall. And I walk in on a baby drinking Hershey's syrup, right? And a toddler is like, hey, did you do that? And he's like, no, just 'cause he doesn't want to deal with it. So I get it, but this is a time for you to grow up. - You got to grow up, man. - You got to go tell the truth, you have to apologize. You have to say, this was insanely immature. I'm really sorry for not communicating this earlier. I, 'cause you're saying you're, now for the sake of this girl, I think you should stop seeing her. 'Cause she can do much better, right? But for you, since you're, I'm counseling you and we're your lawyers, we're not her counsel here. If I were you and I really wanted to take this seriously, I would say, look, I fucked up, I don't, I'm sorry. I just was so scared you're gonna be mad at me and I've developed these feelings. From now on, I promise you, and you have to abide by it, complete honesty. - Yeah. - 'Cause like, you still are young enough and she might be dumb enough to accept that, right? So that's what I would do if I were in your position. That's what I would tell you to do. Now, to be honest, if he's like 23, 24, whatever, what I would do in your position probably is keep lying until the walls closed in on me. That's how I used to behave as a youth, but we want better for you. Don't live like that. And by the way, that's very stressful. You can't deal with that shit. So you're saying it's getting a little more serious. Commit, try and have a girlfriend. It's gonna be good for you. I waited a while to have like a serious relationship 'cause I was always, you know, commitment issues, family stuff, whatever. It's that, I mean, it was like, it was very good for you for your development as a human being to be in a committed relationship that you actually try for. But man, that's so funny. I love how you call that motherfucker. - I can hear you. - I can hear it. - I can hear it, crack. Now listen, I was, I was, I was 23. - Of course. - Yeah, say anything. I'm lying to you. - And then the walls closed in on you. You go, "How do I get?" - Yeah, totally, totally. - Go what? - And then you still try and like, fuck, maybe I'll just like, move for a month. - Yeah. - 'Til she forgets. - I was so forget about this. - I mean, I do envy, I mean, it is another problem with our digitally connected world. You can't just move two towns over, grow different facial hair and say your name is Jeffrey now. - Yeah, you can't do that. It's a shame. That's a real shame. Play us another one, Eld. - Hey, Stav, Eldus, team guest. I have a little bit of a dilemma with, I just got engaged. - Yeah. - Regulations. My partner is Puerto Rican and Dominican, and we hate all the traditional wedding stuff. My family's Italian for reference. We had all the traditional wedding stuff, and we had this idea that we were gonna allow Puerto Rico. And so it kind of semi-informal receptionality. - That's fun. - Her family loved it. They're psyched to go to Puerto Rico. We love it 'cause, you know, it's like, you fly on our family's from there. When I drop the news on my Italian side of the family, everything fell apart. - Oh, what the, what am I mean? Fucking taco, it's for your wedding. - Yeah, I can't even get a B. - So where, where I'm gonna fly in, I gotta go. Oh, well, it's good if everybody's gonna be the fighter. You know who's the waiter and who's the vet, the reception? We do it at fucking Puerto Rico. Keep going. I feel a little part, I feel an area upset. I feel like don't really seem like they wanna go to Puerto Rico on a set. That, you know, my second cousin is he gonna come. (laughs) And it's all in that sort of attention. - Yeah, it's all in that sort of attention. - Yeah, I'm gonna go from things that my parents are like kind of like a little racist now. - Ah, yeah. - Because they're, you know, feeling about Puerto Rico. - I'm confident. - That's the little of it. We are, you notice you didn't say, and they're not. (laughs) He just said, "The cat's finally out of the bag." I'm trying to, try to obscure how racist they really are. - She says that, he's just like, "I know." - No, he doesn't even say anything. He's just like, "Mm-hmm." - I mean, will, you know. (laughs) - Right, right, right. - It's a weird thing, carnation, what kind of flowers? - I don't know these. - We are, you know, the whole point of this is to avoid like all the wedding planning bullshit. And now we're kind of getting bogged out with family bullshit, the reception, and all that stuff. So, I need your advice. How do I bring peace between my two families? - Right. - Between two cultures. - Right. - No, there's only one man for the job, and it's you. - So. - Of course. Let me know. - Oh, yeah. This is hilarious. I mean, this is, I mean, look, now I will say, some of their point, I understand. 'Cause a destination wedding is a lot, is annoying, right? Like, I remember my cousin did it in Greece, and leading up to it, I was like, fuck. What, I mean, look, it was nice. It ended up, actually, the timing ended up being perfect because we went, I was, I agree, eldest fucking came, eldest, my boy. Our boy, straight George was there. - Straight George. - Straight George was there. - Straight George. - And, and. - Do you have a good day of game? - No, no. If you, some day you'll meet George, we plan on having some parties around here. You'll understand the, where the nickname comes from. - Straight George. - It's a, it's an nickname that completely makes sense when you meet straight George, but. So, it was actually really fun. It was awesome. Getting there, it was one of the best experiences. It was the best wedding I've ever been to, the most fun I've had. We, they charted a boat. We fucking went on a little, little fucking sunset cruise. This fucking, literally the captain, the captain and his two fucking boys, they just, they paused, middle of the day, they stopped the boat. Fucking, pull out a grill. Cook fresh pork chops. Cook a fresh fucking, chop up a fresh salad. It was like, one of the best meals I've had. Then you swim, you jump off the boat, swim to the beach and watch the fucking sunset. It was beautiful, right? But getting there was a pain in the ass and a lot of people couldn't make it. 'Cause it is fucking annoying, right? So, I understand being like, ah, well, isn't it, wouldn't it be nice to have everybody together? And I get that. But if you're saying, look, I think here was your mistake was, was saying the wedding is in Puerto Rico. What you say is, we're gonna have two weddings. We're gonna have a small vacation, elopement. And then we're gonna, and then we're gonna, for whoever wants to come to Puerto Rico and enjoy the beach, whatever we want, we think that would be fun. And then we wanna, we don't wanna, this is the, this is how you should- - You should be over smart. - What you should have done, here's how you spin the reception. You're like, if we do a full, full formal reception here at fucking St. Anthony's or whatever the fuck, and you know, we, we can't, we go to like the nicest fucking time, whatever these fucking goombas want you to do. You could say, well, you know, we'd have to cut people and you have to, and then not everybody can come. But this way, we're gonna have a very small ceremony for just the closest family and whoever can make it. And if you can't make it, no big deal. And we wanna have an even bigger ceremony. That's a slightly less formal so that we can have everybody in the whole fucking family. That, and if you can try and respinit, if you can try and redo that and be like, all right, you guys are right. We don't want anybody to miss anything. So we're just gonna split it into, and what might help your dumb Italian family is to give the religious ceremony to them, right? Like get a priest or get someone to get those fucking idiots seeing a ceremony, and they might think, well, all right, good. At least they didn't give the Hispanics the real wedding. Like, that might be what your dumb fucking father thinks. And if you're like, and if you just go and do like a beautiful on the beach, that's how I would handle it personally. Because this is, I just think you fucked up 'cause you said we're gonna loathe and have a party or whatever and have a reception. You should have said, we wanna have two weddings. And I do think if you, I think I would give them the bargaining chip of the quote unquote real ceremony happening in wherever Bayon, New Jersey or wherever the fuck you're calling from, and have the Puerto Rico thing be more of like a, in fact, you might even wanna swap them and be like, we wanna have our honeymoon in Puerto Rico. So why don't we do a beautiful ceremony for it? Like, there's a lot a little, you better here, I think. You better than, that was a great, that was a great, I was just gonna say, man, fuck it. You won't go to the Puerto Rico Baroni and tell them, you grown as man. I actually, I fully agree with you, right? Like, that is the actual answer at the end of this, is like, and if they're still being fucking weird about it, you should be like, all right, well, listen. Fuck you, I'm going to Puerto Rico. I love my late, I'm doing that, you know what I'm saying? Yeah, exactly. And then come where you don't gotta come. And I know that sucks because, again, this is just, this is why family's fucking annoying, right? It's like, they, 'cause if it's not your family, you would be like, okay, suck my dick. I don't care where you think. But you're gonna have to put up with these people for the rest of your fucking lives, right? - That's right. - That's right, right, right. And so, that's why I would try a diplomatic approach, which basically is just kind of like, jangling your keys in front of your Italian family and being like, it's totally different. Look at this, you know what I mean? It's exactly what you don't want, what you want, what you want. Or get like it, yeah, and then, you know, really like, who's a, get one again, one of the real housewives from New Jersey as a celebrity guest at the fucking reception? Give them something, feed a little meat to the Italians. What do they want? Like, what can we, you know, make it all lasagna whatever the reception is? But I would say that, give them some token. So they feel like they're heard. And but ultimately, you know, you got it. We say this all the time, when you get married, you have to understand that's your family now, right? And it's, I'm not saying your family family isn't your, but like your unit, your like nuclear family is you and your wife. And your family goes from mattering the most to now there is someone that matters less than that or more than them, right? And so at the end of the day, you also have to set the precedent of like, hey, I love you guys. And I'm gonna try as best I can to make you happy. But if you, if what you want is directly at odds with what me and my wife want, you lose that, right? A lot of people get very cucked by their family and are just like such cowards. And this is a really important time for you to be like, here's how the rest of my life is gonna go. - That's all right. - I'm not waiting on, I'm not gonna fuck, I'm not gonna care what the fuck you, I'm not your, I am your son, but I'm not your little child anymore. - That's right. - And you gotta get off my dick and let me have my wedding the way I want to. - That's rude. - But I think you can figure it out both. I think you do both, pretty easily. Just it's a matter of PR, my friend. - It's the half stubborn it is, it's people totally, totally. What do you, you wanna do a fucking sunset, be a universal studio's wedding? What do you wanna do? - Yeah, yeah. - I say I do on the whole, that's my thing. - Come back as a man. - Yeah, it is. - The ride that almost claimed he was a boy. Now it'll be the first ride you take with your wife. (laughing) Al Pacino next, you scrambling his balls. (laughing) Actually, invite Al Pacino to your wedding. Have him not in one of your cousins. (laughing) - No, no, forget it. - Now you fused your family with a Pacino bloodline. They'll love you for it. You go to Puerto Rico as many times you want. They'll start even Tostones now. They'll fucking, you know what I mean? Give us another, Eld. - Hey, Stabby, hey Eldes. Just looking for some advice. A pretty long story short. I was in a friend with benefit situation for like four or five years, a little younger than I should have. They got mech in the end and then I ended up moving five hours away from home. - That's good. - And when I moved, we didn't talk a lot. - You didn't, okay, she didn't talk. I was gonna say, let me guess, you didn't take that as a clear opportunity to break this off and move to a new situation. But anyway, let's see what she has to say. And when I moved, we didn't talk a lot. And I ended up being a guy here. Started dating, got engaged. - Awesome. - We were engaged for about four years. - Shit. - And then we got a hearing gauge, man. - Which by the way, is just a situation with a ring. - She has the word friend of the benefit. - I have no, four, five years in a friend's with benefit. - Who five hours away met that other guy's cousin. (laughing) - Yeah, I love you for real. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - This is gonna be great. But also, I'm not ready for much after this. - Honestly, the prolonged engagement is maybe one of the most cowardly things a man can do. - 'Cause it's also like, here, fuck it, damn. - That's exactly what that is. - And have this. - It's totally, and you're lying to them. You're making them think, 'cause that is a problem. I don't, you know, I'm not, this is not a traditional show by any means, right? I don't have a traditional lifestyle. Don't believe most of that shit. But I do think when you, in getting engaged, that is a actual promise to spend the rest of your life with someone. And you're like, yeah, yeah, this will just fucking buy me some time. That's a scumbag move. And the hour for four years is fucking crazy. But let's finish, let's see if we're missing anything. - And then we called it off and broke up a few months ago. - Oh, it's tough. - And I've just kind of been single, but I've started thinking about this little friend's with benefits guy. And I have been thinking of wreaking back out to him. - He's five hours away. - I'd be like, hey, yeah, expensive gash is right now. - Fuck it. - I say, fuck it. Let's let's let her finish. - Get better soon. - When I come back home and visit like, do you wanna fuck around again? - Mm-hmm. - But I had to block him on multiple social media. - Oh, wait a minute, girl. That's your fucking answer right there. - Yeah. - It's like, fiance because he was reaching out. And it was causing problems in that relationship. - Collarious. - So, I guess I'm kind of asking how I unblock someone and start talking to them again. - Oh, it was easy. - Wow, yeah. - I mean, listen. - Yeah, what? - What good news is, the woman that used to hate me, but used to suck me off, unblocks. You think I'm mad at you? - What would that be? - Can I come over and fuck you? I'd be like, - Yes. (laughing) - Where's that mean? - I feel like I knew it, you fucking bitch. You were coming back. - Just fucking. - You know what? - Just fucking wiping Doritos off my shit and be like, fucking whore, could resist me. (laughing) - So I'd be much more respectful. And if anybody's in that situation and thinking about unblocking me and hitting me up, do it. - Like. - Exactly. (laughing) - Same for everybody I've been saying for real. - So that's the good news. (laughing) The good news is you're ready to rock. If you wanna do this. - It's all about your court, baby. - The bad news is we cannot tell you. We cannot counsel you to do this. This guy clearly was a, you said it got messy. It was five years. When you were fucking engaged, he's DMing you. You're like, I get it. I understand the impulse to go to something familiar. And if you set, here's the other good news is, if you set really clear boundaries. If you're like, look, do you wanna go up, here's the thing. I just gotta have a, like it's gotta have a thing. I just want this to be purely physical. I don't even wanna fucking talk to you otherwise, but it would be nice to just clear out the cobwebs from my pussy. Can you do that? - Can I tell you? - Again. - The answer is gonna be for him. - Exactly. - One thousand. - Of course. - One of the most 1000% no brainer yeses of all time. It's almost what I'm describing and what you could do is like a pathetic teenage fantasy. Like when you jack off to shit like that, when you're like, maybe you come up on an Instagram store and you're like, oh man, I wish you let me fuck again. And you're like, what if she just knocked on my door and asked to suck me off and no strings attached? I mean, it's like that never happens. And if it did, some guys, listen, better men of higher moral standing than us might turn it down. - This guy ain't one of those. - Nah, he's a guy ain't with that. This guy's fucking worse than we are. - He's a bag. - He's a fucking piece of shit. - He's a shit. - Clearly he's a piece of shit. - Call you back and be like, I want him back. We only got to do it no fooply. - Yeah. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't got to talk to you at all. Yeah, it's cool. I'll just have my VR goggles on me all the time. So, but again, I don't think you should do this. I do think like, I think there's a way for you to get, so I think there is a way for you to hook up. Finding new friends with benefits, your rebound off of an engagement is a classic. If you want to stay out of a relationship, it's so easy to, if you're hooking up with someone and they want to make it like serious. - Yeah. - You can be like, I just got out of it. - It's just not really tough. - Five-year relationship, I can't. So you, and again, this is way more important than the opposite gender dynamics, usually, usually. Like, I tell my divorced male friends, like, you have the Mario star for staying out of a relationship for two years. Once you're divorced and any girl wants the day, you'd be like, just got divorced. - Yes, I ain't got no. - Too easy, I would, I, too soon, I couldn't do it. So that's my advice to you. I would say, I don't think, I think it's easy for a, you know, a nice young woman like yourself to find a, a fuck buddy. Also, it could be in your town. Now, if you're thinking, look, I don't live there anymore, I would be in and out, but I just know you should go, oh, in general, I know, in general, I just think, dredging shit up like this, very rarely works. Now, it is pretty hot. I will also say, fucking someone you're not supposed to, it's new and familiar at the same time. Kind of incredible, kind of an awesome nut to let off, but, we're talking a decade of your fucking life. We're talking nine fucking years. What if, what if they, they fuck again? Yeah. And they like, really like, yeah. It's possible, I suppose, hallmark, white trash hallmark movie. (laughing) Yeah, I just needed somebody to, yeah, I, yeah, it's, that's another thing that's possible. And I do believe in love and that's, but this was a, this was a, this was a thing that was like messy at the end, five years, whatever. Yeah. Now, I do think it's possible for people to break up. Like, when people try and get back together too quick, that shit never works. But if you break up with someone, spend time, you both go off into different directions and maybe you grow into people that are more compatible in better times, you're like, that's possible. You're a real different man, though. I can never do nothing like this. You have great, you have great light. Oh, and he, I'm like, hey, man, go back there and fuck that nigga, hey. (laughing) Go at your whole time. No, you fucked enough, though. It has to be one of those things where you're like, no, yeah, no, you're, you're, you're, enough time has passed. This makes a bunch of sense. I mean, everything you're doing, it's perfect. What I'm, what you're describing is this is too fresh. In freak, come see me in four years about this girl. After you've got, you know what I mean? Who knows what kind of fucking, what kind of backup SNL dancer pussy you got? (laughing) What kind of doja cats backup dancers you've gotten sucked off by by then? Who knows, you've, you've had so many experiences that you don't even care about. That guy's a, you know, that guy, she fucked it whatever you're like, who cares? Like, that's what I'm saying. You actually proved my point, because when you have that feeling jump out, you know. never work, but when it's totally done, and maybe completely, 'cause I don't know who had the feelings for who back then, but it sounds like for you, this is completely done. You don't fucking care about this guy. I suppose it's possible. The fact that he was reaching out and you had the block him is a huge block. He was reaching out that much. If this guy was just dormant, and you just hit him up, and when you go home, it's different. If it was a friendship benefits that ended on slightly better terms, and this guy wasn't a pest in your life. I would say, I would be much more open to this, right? But this, this is a little tricky. You sound too, and the thing is you sound so depressed and down in the dumps, that this is, you're trying to drink water from the poison, poison as well. The old pussy well, I mean, for me, this metaphor, actually, we, actually, straight George helped me develop it. It is drinking from the poison well. When you're so thirsty, you're like, I know there's fucking larvae and maggots and fucking, and whatever in that well, but I'll just, I'll put some leaves, I'll filter it like that, and you know what I mean, it'll be better, and no, and then you fucking, you have diarrhea in the woods after that, go fucking get a fresh stream, get a new source of dick, don't do this. I think that's, but if you do, we told you how to. So you have both options, the ball is in your court. Here's with another one, Little Eld. Hey, what's up, Tom? I'll just guess, love the show. Re-recording to make this a little bit more concise. Basically, I have a question about Greek food and racism. I'm a black man living near the Greek town of a major city. I love Greek food, but I keep having these, like, bad racist experiences with Greek restaurants. - Well, dude. - And he's so right, like I have no, he's just, I don't know that I have the answer, bro. - Wait, what? I'm sorry. I mean, a lot of Greek people are racist as fuck, truly. - I've been to two smaller, very authentic, kind of like mom and pop shops. They have delicious authentic food, but like terrible, like weird vibes. I'm talking, like me getting ignored by servers. - Fuck, dude. - I'm getting like wordless stairs from the staff and like the old Greek people eating there. People like openly shooting on other races. - I'm like mocking people with Indian accent. So I feel like I've been burned. - Yeah, that's a tough one. - I'm about to give up, but my main question is, next time I create Greek food, should I, like, expect different from a larger restaurant along the main street of the Greek town? - This is tough. - Tucked away mom and pop shops. - Listen, I don't want to be nice here. You know, I've been, I'm sure I've been fed food by a lot of racists. - Of course. - But am I going wrong by hitting up if you use a smaller, like a local shop? Anyway, love this show. And one of the most popular Greek parkcasters, you clearly, you know, have to answer for the racism. - I get it. This is embarrassing. This is a tough one. - You know, let me know what you think. - Like, yeah. - Yeah, I mean, listen brother, how authentic do you want the food? (laughing) Like, like, like, like how authentic do you want the food? Cause your instincts are correct. If you go to a place that's a larger restaurant that has an advertising budget, that they are business first, food and racism second, right? When you go, and I've always said the best Greek food, you don't want it, you want things to be fucked up. You don't want a good Greek restaurant to have an advertising budget. You don't want the graphic design of the restaurants, the menus to make sense. You want it, fuck it. You want the AC broken, you want it to be one guy in his fat wife or cousin, you can't tell. Like, she's the one, she's the waitress, he's fucking, he's cooking you fucking lamb chops and his fucking, you know, knuckle hairs are getting on it, right? That's what you want. And unfortunately, for the best food. And unfortunately, those guys, what do you think they think? (laughing) What do you think they're fucking respected on other cultures is? They live in America and they don't speak English still. They don't even like white American culture. You think they're gonna open up on Indian? I wish it was different. I'm not saying it's good or correct. And now I'm thinking, I'm thinking to my favorite Greek restaurant in Baltimore, which is a, it used to be a coffee shop where the guy just used to cook for his friends sometimes and it was so good that he just was like, fuck it, I guess I'm a restaurant now. - Yeah. - They're not as bad as this but would they give him a couple like, huh, if an Indian guy walked in? - Yes, they would. Now, my guys wouldn't do the voice in front of you, but they would be like, oh, when he leaves. (laughing) - This guy's black for the wreck. - He's black, yeah. - Oh, interesting. I thought he said Indian voice. - Oh, you're right. He said other cultures, but he's black, yeah. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I'd love to know the city 'cause that also matters. 'Cause it is funny, a lot of Greek towns are in these major East Coast urban hubs. They're like Baltimore. I mean, the ones I know are Baltimore, Chicago, Detroit. - This is interesting. Maybe we'll bleep it, but it's the area. - Oh, that's even more interesting. That makes a lot of sense as well. - What is very diverse? Oh, just there. - Yeah, but it is, but that's the thing. When something is so diverse that you have a lot of authentic sub-cultures, they stay racist. They stay racist and they like, let's just, you know, this is how things go. It's like, it's kind of like how the neighborhood's here. It's like little, little, little, that kind of thing. It's like within, we're in a New York's diverse, but you go to the wrong part of it. It's not now anymore, but like when little, little was bigger, you'd think black guys were getting great service, little, little, little just 'cause New York is diverse. So now, I do think, yes, if you go to the bigger place where they have a business idea, where they care about profits, the food will be worse, but the treatment will be better. And I really have no excuse here and I will say, that's a lie. - And my advice to you would be like that, 'cause I've said it before, if you go to Greece, you will get sort of whimsical racism. You'll get like, like you'll get people calling you Michael Jordan and-- (laughing) - Totally, totally, but that's the problem is when you combine how much of a novelty it is to see a person of a different race in Europe with just, you know, the culture of America's races. So you know what I mean, like, so it's like, you know, when you combine that into like, you know, I don't know dude, so my advice would be, yeah man, it's a door-dash it. (laughing) - And then pick a white man. - Pick a generic name, say it's for John. (laughing) - John Smith. - Yeah. - Thank you. - I mean bro, I really wish I had something else, but I'm thinking about my favorite restaurants in Baltimore's Greek town and of the four, one is not racist. (laughing) - Is it the best one? - It's, yeah, I would say it's one of the best one. I think it's arguable, it's what you're going for. - It's like, some people do certain things better, but it's also the one that is like, it's pretty authentic, but it is, they've been around the longest, they're the best business. So yeah, the better the business, the less racism, 'cause racism is bad business, right? So, but the food will be worse. So I would say door-dash the authentic stuff, and if you're out on a date, go to the fucking place that's run well. - That's what it is. - 'Cause they have, they have, you know, they have fucking taken out the racism by then. Business has forced them to take out the, profits and losses has forced them to take it out, but man, that is just embarrassing, and you are completely right. - That's hilarious. - And it is, that is what my fucking countrymen are like. I mean, it is funny, 'cause a lot of, it's funny that conservatives don't like immigrants, 'cause immigrants are the most racist, homophobic people in the world. First generation, first generation, guys from Africa, you're like, great, it's like, you think they're chill? You think Muslims are cool with trans people? You should want more. - If you're a fucking idiot, transphobic, but that's the thing, they're too fucking stupid to understand. They could have multicultural Nazis. Like, they could have, like, they could build a, they could build a multicultural coalition of people that hate who they hate, but, unfortunately, that is the problem with racists and transphobes are fucking stupid. So, you know, I hope that you never catch on. Fuck you guys. - Yeah. - Fuck you. - He does, he does, and. - Oh, fuck, should I have said. - Nah, they're pretty fucking homophobic. - Yeah. - They do that thing when I get to a point of life, but I was like, I have to watch. - You know what, believe it. - What? (laughing) - I would say, you know, I'm gonna stick this, I'm gonna stick this. I'm saying, like, what should I say now? - Yeah, yeah. - I think keeping it general was good, keeping it the continents of Europe and Africa's fine, but I don't want to zero in on the rhythm. - Your name, like, seven countries? - Yeah, yeah. (laughing) - I didn't, we've bleeped it out. It was both Europe and Africa. - And I sat here and just smiled. - Yeah, yeah. - I think I might be worse. (laughing) - Damn, you ain't gonna say shit now. - Hey, man, I'm just, I'm just vibing. (laughing) Let's go. (laughing) - Fuck, got some fun for us to go out on eldest? - Yeah. - Hi, Stavvy, hi, eldest, hi, guys. I have it. completely hypothetical question, but it would be great if you guys had, like, a male guest to answer what? So me and my best friend have been best friends until 11. We came with this idea, we were high as hell, in our early 20s. I am a bisexual woman, and my best friend at the time was a lesbian, but not she being a trans man, so I guess maybe it still applies. Interesting. I am low-key, high-key, a cook, and I came up with this idea of my future husband and pregnanting my best friend as well as myself, just because of course it's a party for me, and now she's with a trans man so she can't have kids with her current partner. And I was like, our best artist could be cousins, siblings, best friends, and every time I bring it up to a guy, I've only brought it up to a handful of times, but they have not a problem with that, but they think they have to think about it because they're like, I don't know if I could be so close to a child that's mine and I'm not raising them. What do you guys think? Is this a possibility, can this work? It doesn't have to be a sister-wife situation. We're not going to share my man. He's had sexually maybe a few times, but what do you think, man, this works? Now maybe there's something fucked up about my psychology, this sounds fucking awesome. I always say it sounded cool, and she brought up all the porn videos like, I just want to raise. Yeah, like what if they're like, yeah, what if they're like, I don't want to raise both of them. But what if, yeah, what if they raise your kid and they're like, no, you can't watch fucking, you can't watch sports. You're like, you know what I mean, like what if, and I don't want, if I had a kid I wouldn't want, and my friends, I wouldn't want them to play football, but it's like, I would like the kid to like play some sports, do some shit. Or what if they're like, in my case, what if they're like, I mean, these type of people wouldn't do that, but what if they're like, we're going to raise them devoutly religious. And I'm now realizing you never told us the type of Christian that came as family is because you're a fucking bad producer. That was an hour and 20 minutes ago almost, but that's okay. But yeah, I guess I'm realizing like, there's a couple of problems here. What if they want to raise your kid in a completely different way than you would want to. But I feel like these people would all be pretty aligned. They'd be close. What if there's a falling out? Like I'm a coo since 11, but what if they're like, no, but now I'm like, my kid is like, and then, and then what if, and here's the other thing, you're biologically, this kid's fucking dead. And then this woman's like, and I'm suing you for child support. Or like, they're like, they're like, and they're like, wait, I thought you said I just not knew and you guys raised it. That, to me, it's honestly the legal and the life's. Yeah. The legal thing is the thing that would trip me up the most. Imagine that telling that to a judge. Listen, you're on. I was getting, I was while getting double top. She said, would you just want to nut my friend? And what am I going to say now? Come on. You're on. I do the one of my bitch defense. Come on. Yeah, please come on. Come on. You won't be late to give you a one-on-go-hey nut in me. Come on, dog. I would like to get my lawyer files for petition to have this transfer to Bro Court. I would like to reconvene MTV 2's Bro Code and have John Gabrielis be the one who weighs in on this. Yeah, De Stefano and Gabrielis. I would like the tribunal of them to weigh in on this. But yeah, as a fantasy, it's incredible. It's a great fantasy. As a fantasy, you're a cuck. And it's like, and it's like, I want you to like, you know, impregnate my, you know, and have like, because I do, sometimes I do think, and maybe it's because I made the cult movie. And I was like, researching it and shit. And I was like, it'd be kind of awesome to have like a sex cult where everybody, you just fuck everybody and they're like, you're the man. We love you. And so for me, this as a fantasy really works. But yes, I think the legalities of it are actually well at shaping me up. Yeah. The falling out, falling out is big because it's like, maybe you could be okay with being an active participant in this kid's life because essentially, even though it's not your kid. And by the way, if this girl's friend is with a, a trans man who can't get, then they can't get pregnant. You're essentially a donor, which is no problem there, right? Does that tell you the legality? I think if you fuck her, I don't know. I feel like if you do this, you, I would assume they would do like, you know, proper guardian ships or whatever. But all that shit, I, yes. But none of us know what that is. Yeah. And none of us know of that holds up in court with a, like, because sometimes they, they could just be like, well, let's do a DNA test. And we don't know, like, like the way prenups actually don't matter sometimes, depending on state law, whatever agreement you have might not matter is what I'm saying. And if you, I would, if not look, if you could get this airtight, these are things I probably would still want to, and we had a falling on, they asked for money. Of course, I would, you're just, you're more than a uncle to this kid. Yes. You're an uncle plus, basically. He's like, I mean, explain it to the kids. Sometimes, yeah, yeah. That's actually a really good, so, so wait a minute. You're not my dad. But you, listen, let me tell you something. No, no, your dad is your dad. I'm the guy who fucked your mom. No, no, your dad can not, jizz. I can. So yeah, I would, this is what that is. That's a tough one. I think, ultimately, I could be swayed if the situation was correct, but you are asking an insane thing. It's a lot, I mean, it's crazy. But I do, I do like the fact of being a donor. Donors nice. That's cool. And getting to do it old-fashioned is nice. Yeah. So, so yeah, looking at as more of a donor situation, I think, because he never said how her, how her, her, her friends' man feels. I assume he's good. He's on border else. Why the, how would they fuck with, they even have this discussion? And also, it's like, so yeah, I would, but, but from a general perspective, she's basically just asking us like our general perspective. You are asking an insane thing that is a hard needle to thread. Yeah, hard. So I would say, of course, they need to think about it. And now I think how you warm them up is like, fuck, you know, take maybe start with the fantasy and be like, you say, hey, one day this is what I've always thought about and be like, you know, I don't know if I really want to do it, but why don't we just like, all fucking, it'll be hot or whatever. And it's like start with the fantasy because like, that could really loosen up my stance. I understand, like, you know what I mean? Like, that's a very powerful tool of persuasion. Well, I'm fucking related to that. I want to have a kid with, and then I'm also fucking her friend. Yeah. And, and then she just go, hey, by the way, you, you want nothing both of us at the moment of having said, I'm like, I'll do whatever y'all want. Yeah, absolutely. Whatever y'all need for me, whatever you have. Donor. Yeah, whatever. It's kind of the same impulses lying when you know you don't have to. It's like, don't know. What do you do? Like, there's part of your head. It's like, you don't need to do this. Don't just fucking nut. Just nut in the air. Pull out. Yeah, pull out. Pull out. Pull out. This could be still as awesome. But that same part, those parts of the brain are connected. Oh, the promise of potential double pussy in the future would be a nice carrot to dangled. In wood as well. But that is, that's a set. But those are, those are the, the arrows in your quiver. Yeah. And the thing is, do you really want to extort a man with pussy to have two children? I don't know that you do. Yeah. I don't know that that's, and again, we are not a, we are not a, a family values small sea conservative show here. We are very, very open-minded. And I would consider this, but it would take a lot of consideration. And it would have to feel right and everything would have, and it is, what you're asking is hard, but to fuck both of you, that's the easiest thing. Hey, very simple. So start there. That is going to do for us, Cam. Thank you so much. This is so fun. You got to come back, my friend. Wait, you should have said, give me the plug. This will come out later. This will come out like October. Yeah. So, you know, just a cast my SNL. Yeah, I'm on a rule. You can go to my Instagram, @cancerfunny. And I got @cancerfunny.com. I love it. You can get to the bill. Check out Cam. Fucking hilarious. Those see him on the road. It is, I was telling you earlier, it's nice to see like, you're fucking working your ass off on the, on the SNL hiatus. You're on the road. That's fucking important, man, because like, that job's awesome. Obviously, and it leads to a lot of stuff, but you see a lot of comics kind of fucking stop hitting the road when they, when they get, and not just SNL, a lot of jobs, right? A lot of acting shit. And so I like seeing somebody who fucking, you know, you're, you're getting everything out of it that you should. So go see Cam on the road, watch this stuff, and we will, we will catch you guys next time. Bye, bye.