#2 - Alex Kwon Colby (Commercial Filmmaker & Entrepreneur in NYC)

You ready? Yeah. Yeah, cool. [BANG] Oh, my friends have ADHD. All my friends have ADHD. So, welcome to the second episode of All My Friends Have ADHD. Thanks for having me. Thank you for being here. Alex Colby, our second guest. You are a filmmaker in New York City. I'm going to let you explain who you are in your own words. I am an entrepreneur, filmmaker. I was born in South Korea. I was adopted when I was three months old. My mom is Swedish. My dad's Irish. And I came to New York in 2010. And I have been pursuing filmmaking adjacent careers for the past 15 years. And it has been quite an adventure. What is it that you're good at? I specialize in, I label myself as a rapid response filmmaker because I believe that when you can show a film as fast as possible, it has the most impact. Even if it doesn't fully tell a story, it can resonate with that person on a level that's deeper. And so, like, not even deeper, it's just like, it's kind of like a cheat code a little bit. And so, I taught myself by doing 48-hour film festivals. And I loved that you only had 48 hours to make the film. You did it with two strangers. You got to watch it together in the film festival right after it. And there was this feeling of like, oh, I just felt so content being able to see a product done that fast. So, I brought that same type of filmmaking to New York in 2010. And everyone back then was just like, I went to Tish. Like, things take three months. And I was like, no, I'll give it to you next day. And they were like, who the heck is this guy? And very much played well into my ADHD. My whole career. It's like, let's get this one focus on one thing and get it done as fast as possible. But it is just one of those things where like at weddings or at events where you can see it even same day. It almost creates a moment in and of itself. And then, I also really like it because then there's no long term editing. So, you just like, you can get it done. And that feels great too. So, you sort of specialize in filming events. Yeah. And then you produce the video very quickly. Yes. And then, we've also incorporated creating a bunch of videos off of that one video. So, basically, like, you film one event. That one event can be 20 different videos. And it's just like, and those can be put out into the world same day, next day in the strategy around that. And so, it really fit well into the emerging market of short form content when like I was doing this way back then. And so, like, one of our clients is VaynerMedia. And Gary Vee talks about all, like, always about like, this is like, put as much content out there as possible. The thing is, he's like, he doesn't even know really how to do that. He has a team of 50 people and like, they can kind do that. But like, we, they've been white labeling us to be able to do content like that because we have certain strategies and skill sets around how to do it with not many people. Basically, white labeling means that we give ownership. Our brand doesn't take ownership of what we're doing. And so, we're just operating as Vayner. And so, a lot of the content that we've done, we don't really necessarily get to share as our own. We, we are doing it under some big agency or something like that. Right, yeah. And we've talked about how like, the commercial filmmaking world is very foreign to me. So, it's cool for me to learn about that. So, who, like, what kind of clients do you usually work for? Well, we, we've worked for like, all of the big agencies. So, like, Densu, Ogilvy, Wavemaker, Pearl Fisher, like, we, all of the, like, right now, all these agencies, what they've realized is that, like, fast content is kind of king. And so, they now, a lot of people are doing it now internally because you can just use an iPhone. But they don't fully understand the capabilities of how much you can stretch it and things like that. And so, when they have projects where they need more or need more of a complex situation, they hire us to do that. And then we've worked with a bunch of different influencers. We do a lot of the rocks, social content for Taramana, which is a tequila company. I used to do a lot of work with Paris Hilton. And then Julian Huff, she was on Dancing with the Stars. We did a ton of stuff with her. And so, and then I had a career as a party filmmaker. So, I just filmed like parties back in the day. And filmed a lot of stuff with like ASAP, Fur, Chain Smokers, The Weekends, like, just making party videos. So, your career has sort of is a little bit all over the place, right? I think the case for a lot of people, ADC, not all over the place, but it's just, you know, non-linear journey and unexpected journey, you sort of jumped around from different projects. 100%. Like, all over the place. And that's what made that felt good to me. Like, I was always a procrastinator. I filmed was a cool way to be able to focus on one thing. However, I had like, tons of different things going on at once, especially when I was a freelancer. And, but if I, one thing about my ADHD is like, if I could, I could hyper-focus. And so, that's what was so cool about being able to do these rap response videos. It's like, I could sometimes edit a video in an hour, because I like, I can, I've gotten so good at event filmmaking where it's like, I know the shots already. I usually pick the song before. I've beat marked it in, in post. So, it's just drag and drop. And so, then there's like a system where then it's just like, boom, there's your video right away. And that like, that payoff and being able to do it so fast, like very much fueled this like, ADHD mind that I didn't realize I had until maybe like a year ago I got diagnosed. And so, like, my ADHD was the undiagnosed. And I definitely know I've had it my whole life. But I think there was like, in growing up in Colorado, there wasn't really like much of a, it wasn't very vocal. And, but I definitely had it. Like, I would fall asleep in my eighth grade class every single day. It was a, in, and I remember this one, I think it was my junior year, Mr. Brown. He was my history teacher. He literally had a spray bottle on his desk named Alex. That he would spray me because I would fall asleep every day. That's kind of me. It was mean. Looking back at it, I was like, it was mean maybe a little racist. I don't know what the fuck that was. But like, anyways. I would wake up and I'm like, oh God. And he had, like, but he had one for one other kid too. So it wasn't only me. But, um, if I just like couldn't focus, I like had to do something with my hands. Or like, um, yeah. So it's just like, I'm just wondering like, what if I did actually take meds or like, that was diagnosed back then that old would have explained a lot. Because I think I was being super hard on myself, especially with like test taking and things like that. Yeah, yeah. Let's rewind a bit. How, how did you get to where you are? How did you get to doing what you do now? I got a scholarship to study neuroscience at Bowdoin College in Maine. The college is 1700 kids, so it's smaller than my high school. And, um, I ended up cheating on an exam because of probably my ADHD. I did not know how to understand, I didn't understand computer science that well. And on my floor, there was this like, savant computer science guy named Bob. He was from Japan. He was awesome. And Bob and I like hung out a ton. And Bob was just like, yeah, you can just coffee off my exam. The problem is, is that Bob's way too good at coding. So it's like, his code is not normal code. So it's very much noticeable that I copied from him. So immediately got caught. And, um, that summer, I got a call from the school saying like, your test looks the same as Bob's and then I said it was Bob who copied off me. Wow, it was bad. It's true Bob, under the most. Immediately. And then, but that only happened for like two weeks because I couldn't live with myself and so I'm like, "Oh, I got it off Bob." And then I had to go to a hearing. I had to fly back to Maine at the beginning of the year and it was so intense. It was eight deans and then 20 senior government majors and then I had to sit at the end and I was like, "Guys, why are we even here? I already admitted that I did this." Like, what's going on? This is so serious. And then they're just like, "Okay, we have to suspend you for a semester." So I got suspended and I went to Sweden to study. I did like an internship in neuroscience and did that maybe for a day. I was like, "I don't want to do this anymore." And then was being, I then took Swedish lessons. Fun fact. I made friends with a guy there in my Swedish class who he was dating the bassist of 07, which is a band back then. And we would play horse every Wednesday morning before class and that was Sia. Wow. Yeah, and I had no idea who she was. Horse like the basketball. Yeah. And so looking back at it, it's so funny because I was like, I would like literally hit her ball and like, you got the H. And I'm like, that was Sia. Is D.C. No. She was just hanging out there with this DJ guy. Wow. And so we were just, that's a funny thing about that. But this is, that was a sidetrack story. Basically, I made a video with my cannon point and shoot of my aunt baking a pie. And then I showed that on her birthday to my whole Swedish family. And she started crying. And I was like, yo, that is what I want to do. And so then I went back to school. Oh, then I met my roommate. He was also Greek. And I met him in Greece and we climbed the mountain and we screamed and we're like, we're going to be filmmakers. And then there was no filmmaking major at Bowdoin. So I stopped neuroscience, studied cultural anthropology, made my own and documentary filmmaking. The dean that suspended me got me a grant for cannon 70. Then I changed my work study job into making short commercials for the school. And then at graduation, the dean and the president were just like, we love what you were able to do and how you turned your career. I mean, your college experience around, keep the camera and go follow your dreams. And then I moved to New York. Amazing. Wow. And so you only got diagnosed a year ago. Yeah. But I knew I had it. Yeah. And I would be like drink chugging caffeine and like any type of thing that could stimulate it. When did you realize that you first had it? And when did you have inklings that you might have it? I think in my relationship, my ex was just like, could sense that I had it. She would always comment on it. And then when we broke up, I was like, it's looking to it. Looking back at it, I probably should have looked into it when I was in the relationship because I think a lot of the things about my ADHD put stress on the relationship. But yeah, taking the tests and stuff, they were just like, yeah, you have severe ADHD. It's funny. I also had an ex who used to joke about me having it. At the time, I was just like, it was like a joke. Exactly. Yeah. Come on, ADD, right? Like back to the end. And yeah, I just, I had also always had comments like that where people would just joke about it. I would joke about it. There's also the thing you joke about, right? Yeah. Pop culture. And then I remember I joked about it in front of my friends as a psychologist. And I was like, you know, sometimes I think I have ADHD and she just went, and what she's just like, you do? And she was just like, yeah. And I was like, oh. And it's real. 100% of course. Yeah. So, and this you went and got a formal diagnosis. Got a formal diagnosis, got put on a low dosage of riddling. And what occurred was that I could regulate my emotions. And that was something that I had no idea was part of ADHD. That ADHD was this like lack of focus. And like bouncing off the walls. And like all that. And then I was like, oh, wow. Like I'm in more control of my feelings. Oh, this is awesome. And so it was like a whole new level set of my personality where I was like, oh, I can actually tell my, I can actually calm down by like taking steps to calm down. And like meaning like I could, I could understand that I was being erratic or feeling erratic and then tell myself, okay, you can calm down. And when before that never, I couldn't even have that conversation with myself. Like it was like, I was like kind of a, like operating in a space where my emotions kind of controlled me. And there was like, it gave me a certain level where I could breathe better. And it's really affected my life since in a really good way. How? I think it's just like, what's first of all, what's funny is that New York City, it's very difficult to get prescriptions for ADHD currently because I think a lot of people have been diagnosed with it. So there's a lot of, like a lot of the common ADHD medication is unavailable. And so yeah. And that sucks when you're just diagnosed because they've been switching me on different things. And then also the one that was working the best, now I have to get it from like a place in Florida that mails it. And they like have missed the address. So right now currently I'm off of, I've been off of it for like 10 days and it like I can feel it because it's, this is still also new to me. And so there's a certain level of like, I just want consistency. Because it feels, and I have like a long release one and it like allows me to stabilize. And I've definitely felt myself not feeling, feeling a bit erratic at times. Yeah. So what is it that you're on? You don't want me to ask me? Um, what's it called? Um, I want concerta. Yeah, I think mine is concerta too, but it's the generic name. Okay. Do you remember what's concerta's method? Extraordinary method. Yeah, that's what I'm on. And I'm on that extended release. Okay. Yeah. Cool. So you can just pop me on, right? Cut that out. Yeah. So can you describe what's different? Yeah. So a huge difference. The biggest, the first initial one was the emotional regulation. That was key into, um, I felt the most, that was the most effective or mean the most noticeable change. And then just able to like finish stuff. Like I was just like when I'm not into something, especially in video editing, like something that could, like I have to fix a title on a video could literally take me five minutes. The amount of times it took me to like convince myself, Alex, you know what's going to only take you five minutes, just open up and do it. That conversation would go for days. And then I was just like that is months. Months. Yeah. It's insane. It's like a 10 minute task. Yeah. And like which and a lot's riding on that task. Yeah. And then you're like, oh, cool. And then until it gets built enough up, where it's like, yell, if you don't do this, this could be really bad. Yeah. Then I'm like, okay, sweet. And then it's like 10 minutes. Yeah. Like, oh, here you go. And I was just like the amount of headache that I would have avoided if I would have just done that. And that's the crazy thing about ADHD, right? Like so much of the suffering is like, it's in your head, right? It's this internal conversation you have with yourself about something that's like not that big of a deal. I know. And then when you try to explain it, you sound kind of silly, right? And this is that is ADHD. That's like, like for me, that feels like you're describing my how you experience it. Yeah. What's hard is that there was a certain level of shame. 100%. Also from that. That then I was just like, am I like, do I like actually like that feeling? Like there was this like certain self-savita's like narrative that I was working through in my head where I'm like, is this something that I, it's like blends into this feeling of, I need to feel like this or I deserve to feel like this as punishment. Yeah. And then why am I doing this to myself? Yeah. And then it's just like, oh cool, whoa, I just, and I then get sucked into that narrative. And then I still can't do it. And then when I do it, it feels freeing. And there's this immediate sense of feeling of like this like, oh, whoa, that's so nice. Like I did it. And there's this accomplishment thing. And I'm like, that was so easy. I should have just done that before. And then it's just like why, but then I can, you can get into easy, get in, for me, I can easily get into negative self-talk after. for that? I'm just like, why did you do that to yourself? Yeah, yeah. And like, I think that's why ADHD and depression are comorbid, right? Like, that's why they're so often seen together. Because if you live your whole life with that negative self-talk, that narrative in your head of like, why aren't I doing the thing that is so easy that I know I can do that? I've so much writing on and I just keep not doing it. And like, I'm freaking idiot, right? And of course, if you spend all your time thinking like that, that's going to have an impact on self-esteem and how you feel. That did you experience similar things? Like, what is, have you spoken on the first podcast about your experience? I haven't, not really, yeah. Because like, how does how does your experience really? Yeah, well, and is it cool if I like, switch it? Of course, yeah, the first. So I walked into a psychiatrist's office. Actually, that psychologist friend recommended him in Hong Kong. And I'd gone in feeling, all right, this is a day that I get my ADHD diagnosis. I'm going to get treatment, you know, like, this is the beginning of my healing journey. And I walked out of the office with Andy Presence. And on one hand, I knew he basically didn't believe me, which, you know, there's so many layers to unpack there, right? Like, I think part of it is probably like, you know, it's in Hong Kong. And, you know, there's like all sorts of stigma around mental therapy, I guess, with a psychiatrist. And I think as a woman, you know, I think he was like, well, you did well in school. You have a job. You are a functioning adult. You definitely don't have it. Yeah, they're and like, from what you're telling me, it sounds like you're kind of depressed. I mean, I had also like a lot of factors at the time that were making me like acutely sad. So it was like, so like, I knew he had a point where, yes, like, I knew I had been fighting depression on and off for a long time, like probably like 10 years at that point. And I was like, okay, I was like, I know he didn't listen to me about the ADHD, but I am willing to try any depressions. And I took them. And, you know, I was on them for four years. I only got off them like six months ago. And I think they helped. And you weren't on ADHD medication? Well, and then about, I guess now like two years ago, I went on ADHD meds. I was on both of them for a while. And the first time I took concerta, because I, you know, I was on Ritalin at first and I was like, oh, like, this kind of helps. Like for the few hours, I need it. But like, that's so interesting. Yeah. So the first time I took concerta, I actually googled, I was like, is concerta an antidepressant? Because concerta had a way bigger impact on my mood than the antidepressants I did. And that's when I realized like, oh, untreated ADHD was such, it wasn't all of it, but it was a huge contributor to my depression. But people don't talk about ADHD like that. No. Like similarly, that's funny that you had the same cocktail. And the fact that Ritalin was first and like, I was like, cool, this feels cool. Yeah. But then concerta, like it actually felt like a veil was like lifted. Like there was this like feeling of, oh, whoa, this is how I can experience the world. That like people, I've never heard people talk about that like that with like ADHD medication. Yeah. It's interesting because there's, I'm still really new to this. And so like, there's some of my friends who have done ADHD, I had it since they were like young, young, where there's this, they're like super anti ADHD medication, where they're just like, that's just, it's just going to screw you up. Like, yeah. And like, I can meditate, I can meditate, I can do all these other things and I don't need medication. And I'm like good on them in that regard. And like, they also were like on some of my friends were like heavy, at or all when they were young. And I'm like, yeah, I can see that screwing up your brain chemistry and your relationship to it. And having real addictions to it. And so like to each their own, but it's just like, I think my experience as having adult ADHD, it was great. Yeah. Yeah. I think there's also like, you know, because we both only started medication like well into a 30s. So it's like, I, I have managed, right? I've, I've lived life. I have brought to life without ADHD meds for so long and I did it and, and I know I can do it. But you know what? Like, I've realized that life doesn't have to be suffering. I don't have, it doesn't have to be this hard. And the way I describe it, concerta is like, it's a pill I can take every day that makes my life a little bit easier. And why wouldn't you take that for me? Right? Yeah. And it's cool that like, so when you did research on concerta, was, is there actually anti-depressant? No, I don't think so. Yeah. It was literally just the fact that my ADHD, it was my ADHD that was giving you depression. So you treat that then. Yeah. But see, why isn't it talked about more that like ADHD is actually like an emotional, like, like that, it can also be depressive. Right. That it takes a toll. Like it doesn't, people don't talk about it like that. Yeah. I mean, I think it's still so new and there's probably reason why I wanted to do this podcast. And we're like, I want to talk about this. Because pretty much everything I've learned about ADHD that was helpful to me was through talking to other people at ADHD or like, like, people on Instagram or if you talk about it. Yeah. And it's like, I think it's still, I don't know, I think it's been misunderstood. It's been pegged into a certain box. Like, you know, we still have this image. It's, it's a little boy who's disruptive in class. Right. And of course, that's not the only form. And it presents in different ways. And even like, you know, like, that's why I love talking to other people at ADHD because it's like, we can't know what it's like in someone else's brain. At all. Right. Like we can't. So, um, I would say that there was times where I don't know if I would call it manic, but like, where I can get into these like, hyper focused states where I do feel like I got like the essence of my creativity, where I could like grind and like feel like I was in flow that, um, I'm thinking ADHD helped. Totally. Where I could get into these, what, what I called flow states, where I was like exhausted, but it just, everything felt like it clicked. And then I could edit things in like 30 minutes. Like it was like, well, and it was worrisome when I first started taking this thinking that I would lose that. So I'd be like, if I took this, then it would take away my creativity. And I think a big fear, my whole knowing that I potentially could have this ADHD. Um, I think there was a part of me that never really wanted to go further and explore it deeper into the fact that like, I'm, it's kind of making everything work. And I don't want to lose that flow state. And that could numb it. Which I don't know where I heard that, but that was some narrative that I told myself. I think there's a lot more awareness and conversation about ADHD now. And you do hear this narrative of like, ADHD being your superpower. And I don't know about you, but like for me, when I look back on my life through the lens of, I have ADHD, I'm like, oh, so much about my life and my career makes sense. And even before I knew it at ADHD, I'd basically fallen into a career path that worked for my ADHD, right? Like everything. When I figured out what I was good at and did that and mentioned that for my job, so much of it had to do with my ADHD, like, you know, doing well in high stress environments, jumping around on different topics, jumping on different projects, being a little all-replace, constant stimulation. I just found a career path that fit that, right? So I'm like, oh, like I have made ADHD into my superpower in a way, right? Like it's why I'm good at what I do or conversely. Like that's what I do what I'm good at, which is so much to do with my ADHD. So I totally feel that like fear of like, what if I take that away? Yeah, yeah. And I think other people have that fear too. Yeah, which, yeah, fair enough. And I guess for me, it was sort of like, let's just see what happens, right? Yeah. And it's not like, I can just stop taking the meds. And generally, I think for me, it's like, it just makes my life easier. And I think, like I think my therapist had this to me. You know, like, you know, think about, because I was scared that like, you know, if I take away this like self-loathing that has pushed me to do what I do, well, I stop like wanting to do things, who I stop having this drive. For example, on she, she kind of changed the narrative for me. I was like, okay, but think about what you could do if you were thriving. Yeah, yeah. If you were happy. If you had this positive self-talk. And for me, yeah, Mads just kind of makes things easier and I'm still me. That's great. I feel like I'm more me. More you. Because I'm not getting in my own way. Yeah. As much. Still them. But not as much. I'd agree with that. Yeah. It's interesting to hear you say that you can, your therapist telling you just like even just a tiny switch. How much of a different impact that story could have on on you. Yeah. Because I think I'm I've lived a life where I'm driven by like scarcity and competition and getting things done as fast as possible. Which is just like society. Yeah. And I was like, cool, you win. Boom. How do I keep winning? And then it's just like if you put that aside and you're like, wait a second. I can win. But I can also be like calm. Have a certain a certain level of calm. And I can have a little empathy towards myself. And like. And then you feel like you can start to you deserve that. Then it starts creating a new type of healing or like a self, like a self healing that I felt like I've finally had some space to even do where before it wasn't really hitting. Like I'd pretend that I would I had that. And like I would go to therapy and I'd go to men's group. And I had spaces where I could like be in a setting where that was allowed. And you could reflect and and open up. But it wasn't I only gave my permission, my self permission to do it then. And then when I was out of it, I didn't give myself permission because I just need the feel on edge all the time. And so I think hearing you share that I think those also parts of me similarly where medication has allowed me to have more space and reflection in times during out the just regular day life where I can fall into like more of a healthy self talk or like self care. Yeah, I think it allows you to be a bit more mindful, right? Because otherwise, at least my ADHD aspirin, like it's just like non-stop thoughts and non-stop getting distracted and non-stop, I need constant stimulation. And I think part of it is yes, the meds and part of it is like, you know, now I'm like meditating and all that. But like I'm just able to be mindful so much more. And literally yesterday I was sitting on the subway and I love taking the subway here. I think, so you know, I'm still a torsion. I love it. And I just love observing. And I felt like I don't know if I would have been able to do that before, you know, where I'm just like just just being, just chilling. And I like looked back on how like I used to be where it was constantly on the edge, constantly on the go, constantly like what can I do right now to fill the void? Because God forbid I feel the void, right? And I like was like, man, that is so what a difficult way of being that I was in for decades. And then it's just now like being gentle with yourself and understanding like you were that. Now you're not. For me, I'm very black and white. And so then I was just like, why did I do that to myself? Like now I found the answer. And I'm like, what the heck were you doing? And I'm like, going into this like punishment. And I'm like, don't stop. Yeah. You don't need to punish yourself. Like just you figured it out now. Yeah. And like to see what happens. I think one thing. And again, my psychologist friend Kim, I should give her a shout out. Kim Carter, amazing psychologist in Hong Kong. I've got to launch her own therapy center. In Hong Kong? Whoa, that's cool. Yeah. Yeah. But she, you know, I've talked about this a lot with her. And and she said like, what resilience? Like what resilience to have been living with untreated HD and to like have suffered and like had to deal with all that negative self-talk for so long. So I think for me when I look back and I think about all the things that could have been different, which to be honest, I don't, I don't really. But like I just, I'm the one thing I'm grateful for is like, it's made me resilient. It's maybe tough. Because it's like, if I could handle being in that brain. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. For so long, then like everything else is easy. I think it's also the fact that you are able to figure out and create a career that fits into all of that. Similar to me. Yeah. It's like, there's a sense of pride and like gentleness that you can have towards your younger self where you're just like, yo, you did that. Like it's, it's a while that you're able to somehow put those pieces together, but you somehow did. Yeah. And thank you for doing that. Because look at where we're at now. Yeah. And like I can get and that's typically not how I talk to my younger self. But it feels good to talk to about that younger person now. Yeah. We're getting there. We're getting there. It takes time, right? My ADHD is so funny because when you said Kim Carter, I'd know a Kim Carter. And she is a brand marketer for Shark Beauty, this like hair curler thing. And then my head went into like, we were hanging out before and you didn't have like curls in your hair. And I was like, well, where did those curls come from? And so that happened in my head. Yeah. There's always like, it's amazing, right? Like how much you can think of that one. I was like, Kim Carter, for a little curl, it's for a purpose. And then we're back. Yeah. You've been on this whole journey. But that was happening while we were talking. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I think as a journalist, that's why I'm going to like interviewing because I can listen to someone while thinking. Yeah, exactly. Next question, a crazy question. When you're thinking, do you, is it, is it your own voice? Oh, that's interesting. I think do I have an internal monologue? Like, is it a monologue or like, I just have facts. They don't really have, I don't think. But do you, okay, then do you gauge if I ask this, this could happen? So like, are you, or you only thinking about the, the questions or you actually also involving, how can this lead, how can this be helpful to the story? Right. Yeah. I mean, I think like, there's so many things you have to think, think about, right? It's like, usually it's like, I have a limit and out of time. There's a certain number, like, elistic questions I need to get to while also giving space for like whatever direction the conversation goes. There's usually like a crew that I need to think of. There's usually like so many competing interests, you know, maybe the camera starts overheating or maybe there's sound. So I think you basically have all these different channels, right? I feel like I've come to sort of think of my 80s sheets. Like, I don't know a lot of channels going at all times. And I don't know, maybe a lot of brains work this way. But, and I also do think there's a difference between men and women where like, I do think women are better multitasking. 100%. I just have a lot of channels managing all at once, which works well when you're, yeah, like a creative and a high stress environment trying to do million things at once. I think you're like, that's a unique set of strengths that you have where like your ADHD could also function in that environment. Yeah, and because I think, yeah, because I think there's other people's ADHD who could never do that. Yeah. Like multitask. And one of the main key things of that ADHD, or their ADHD is in like, inhibiting the possibility of even doing something like that. So it's interesting, to think about that your separate case. Yeah. Helping you to do that. Yeah. And I actually think, and I've had people be like, I don't believe you. I actually think that I can't, I'm better multitasking than monotasking. Interesting. Yeah. Which like people are like, that's clearly not true. But like, I swear, like I need, I need to need something else. Yes. But like, what does that mean? Like, so like, do you like having, are you like a knitter? Like do you like, like, do you, like, do you, what kind of multitasking are you talking about? I mean, like, so when I work out, I always listen to an audio book. Like a book. Yeah. I'm listening to a book while I'm working out. Oh, well, not music. No, that's too boring. Is it like, so it's like training your brain to, I need to like, my body is distracting me from my brain and my brain is distracting me from my body. Are you doing? Are you doing? I'm just fully stimulated. That's your peak stimulation. Yeah. That's how much stimulation I need to feel good. Do you, is this for cardio and lifting? Yeah. Whoa. Interesting. And so I'm also like, like, yeah, and I'm like, I'm lifting a heavy shit and like counting reps and counting sets while also listening to an audio book. Am I like, 100% paying attention to the audio book? Probably not. No, but you're still paying attention. Yeah. I still kinda know what's going on. Yeah, then I'm not hurting myself, so. Yeah. - How long have you been lifting? - Oh, in time. - Like power lifting? - I mean, I used to do the Olympic lifting, but lifting lifting. I mean, like, how? Like, I'm like, - And are you doing like, that's wild. Are you doing like, what type of lifting? So like the core, this has become a fitness podcast. - Please find my screen. - So green juice powder? - No, I don't. - Do you have the wrist grips? - No. - Or your pure human grip. - Okay, sorry. Whoa, judge me. - You know I used to play rugby for Hong Kong. - For Hong Kong? - Yeah. - And what? - So I used to do that. - You did not tell me that. - Yeah, I played it the World Cup. - Yo, that's insane. - Yeah, so I used to be a very high level athlete, and I still basically try to train almost at that level, kind of. - Yeah. - Oh, wow. - But for me, but so again, looking back at my career, like exercise sports. Like I would not have hated this bar without sports. - My first time in Hong Kong, I went for, what is it, the 11s? Or like the threes? What is called the five? - The sevens. - Sevens. - Oh, it's hilarious. (laughing) - The Hong Kong sevens. - Hong Kong 11s? - The threes? (laughing) - When I said threes, I'm like, that is a small feel. - That's too feel. - That's too feel. (laughing) - There is 10s, we'll give you that. That is the type of rugby. But yeah, seven. - Maybe we should start threes, huh? - It'd be really hard. - It'd be still really hard. - I'd say you went to the sevens. - Yeah, I went to the sevens. - Yeah. So I think like, just trying to bring it back on topic. - That's on topic. What on topic? - Like I think that I love rugby, and then I'm good at rugby, because it does so well for my 80s. - Mm-hmm. - It works so well. - In it. - Yeah. - It thrives in that sport. - High stress, high stimulation. Like I get into this hyper focus, and it's like, and it's like, it requires everything for me. - And so when you're in it, you're like aware of the ball, aware of the players, understanding you're in pain. - Yeah. - Like, there's this like everything. - Yeah. - And it's like, do or die. - A hundred percent. And I think my rugby training and my ADHD is what makes me really good at, for example, like working, covering a protest. - That's cool. - And taking photos in a protest, 'cause it's pretty, it's super physical. It's super high stimulation. It's pretty high stakes. There's chances that there's like danger. Like it's like the way my brain feels when I'm like in the zone in a rugby game is the same way my brain feels and I'm in the zone in the middle of a protest. - Yo, well, I thought we were like connected. After you explained it like that, my brain works so similarly as yours. Like filming live events and also filming protests too. Like I get into a flow state there, where it's just like, I need to be so hyper aware of my surroundings, who I'm affecting, who I can actually take video of. Like is this part of the story that I'm telling is this too superficial and I shouldn't be filming this? Like, but what's cool is that when you've done it enough, it almost becomes this like second nature feeling and then all it is is about that. There's nothing else that matters. Like you get into a state where you're just like, this is everything and the only thing I care about. And then when you're in that, that's when you can capture all the stuff that's like really good. - And then you're out of it and they have to deal with all the things. - And then you're like, well, that's a lot. - Yeah, and you're like someone else do it, please. So actually, like going back to like, go and you go back to like being scared of like losing that whatever part of ADHD makes you good at what you do. So when I work in Ukraine, if I'm going into like a high stakes environment, I feel like say like to the frontline, those are the days I actually don't take my meds. - Interesting. - Because I know, like I know there's no chance of me not paying attention. - Because you're gunning paying attention. - Yeah, of course. So it's like, and I, and I don't know. - Well, and you trust yourself. - Yeah, and I kind of need, I kind of want more of. - You're like that crazy. - Yeah, that ADHD and that's where that puts me into that state. Where I'm fully aware of my surroundings, I'm in the flow, and I know I need that. And then like, I'm not worried about being underestimulated on those days. So those days I don't take it. - It's so, that's so interesting. Because like that's what I was curious about. It's like, do I trust myself when I put myself into a high insta, high in experience where I do need to thrive in what I'm the best at? Do I take it or not? - Have you tested that out? - No, because I haven't really, my life hasn't been super involved in things like that for a while. I'm going to open that up again to do that. And that's where I'm going to definitely explore. I think to be honest, I might, I do feel more at ease. And I think, I think that ease might play into it. - You mean at ease? - When I'm in, when I've taken the medication, and like, there's a certain sense of awareness and feeling good, that like I like. But I think when you talked about how it's more about you have enough things to distract you, or like that, then you're capable. I think that resonates a ton with me, where I'm like, wait a second, like, I trust myself in these scenarios because this is what I've made my career off of. Like, just keep doing it like that. And so, yeah, I don't know. - Yeah, yeah, I mean, and I should probably get these disclaimer's the beginning. We're not doctors. This is not medical advice. But the way I see meds from my mom. - I feel like you could put that in text in the beginning. - Yes, all of a sudden. - Because the way that we've been talking about this, it's like, yeah, we should do meds. You should do meds. You'll save your life. And I'm like, whoa. I'm just gonna make sure we don't get interrupted. So the way I see my meds in my brain is that I basically need a level of stimulation at all times to feel good, right? I need stimulation of some sport, physical, mental, whatever. And the meds for me just like gives a little stimulation. It just raises my baseline. - So you can, so you doesn't have to be as hyper stimulation. - Exactly. I mean, you still need stimulation. - Yeah, I mean, it's a, I mean, you're figuring out your calibrating, right? Like, the meds provide some stimulation that just allows me to like, feel a bit better at all times. So without having me to input that stimulation, which can also be exhausting, right? Like, so early when you're saying like your friends are like, I can manage it with this, this, this, I can too. But I can't spend my whole life managing my brain. - Yeah, yeah. - I can't, right? It's exhausting. And it's like, you're on a tightrope at all times. - Yeah. - And like, if I am one workout short, and one hour of sleep short, I fall apart. - Yeah. - And I, you know what, I'll take the pill. - Yeah. - I still have that to some extent. But like, the, the, the, the line isn't as thin, right? What was I talking about? - Meds, oh. - Meds, yeah. - So, yeah, it just provides a baseline of stimulation. - That's a great way to put it. Where it's like, it's not a solve, it's like a, you can solve like it all the one go. - It's not taking away your needs. - You're like, "Okay, cool. Now what do I do with all this content?" For me, it was very different. It's like, "I know exactly what to do with this content right away." - Mm. - And so then, like, that's how I thought about it. So I'm like, "I edited it already in my head. It's already edited." - You should be in newspaper. - And so then it's like, "Foo, bo, bo, bo." Yeah, maybe. - Yeah. (laughing) - I thought it'd be really good doing like field work. Kind of similar to like, "What you do in the sense of like being on the ground and getting capturing stories while they're happening." - That is what you do. - To an extent, like, I did that a lot for, yeah, I do. That's what I do, but I didn't do it for like news events, necessarily. - Right. - I did a bit of that during Black Lives Matter when that was happening in like, like Ferguson and Charleston. I like, one of my friends is Durey McKesson and he was one of the first people on the ground. and Ferguson and I like flew to different things that he was at a couple times and like gave him footage similar to like what a news outlet would do. I was more like what I love most is filming like moments of joy or happiness or love and then being able to show those people how I saw them and then filming it in slow motion and you suspend that moment in time for that much longer so and then you can like pair it with the perfect song or something like that but seeing them see how I see them in slow motion and then them crying nothing better like I'm just like that's all I could do for the rest of my life I'm just like boom because it's like it's such a fun um it's a gift and you get to give that I could get to give that gift of like I saw that love in your eyes and what's cool is like I can even show it even down more and then you can you can last that much longer and then you can share it with your friends and family and the people that you love and I was like and then like then the capitalistic side of me also did that I'm like cool we can do this for brands and like we can do this for fundraising and it works too there it looks there but now I want to also get back to doing the base level of like what I did because that's where like I just want that feeling again and it's also cool because it can like the beauty of what we do it can change people's lives like that's what I'm like I want to film my friends doing cool cool stuff because that could change their life yeah so we talked a lot about like looking back right like realizing the impact 82 is having your life and how that affected your careers as well like what about like now how has your approach to work and life in general changed knowing what you know now about your brain um I am a lot uh uh knowing what I know about my brain now and how it's changed is the fact that like I am getting older and I want to be gentler with my brain and my body and this is an a way for me to do that and like I like it how it's like you tone it down a little bit but still we still get a play what do you mean this is a way meaning it's it's like what you said when you were like there is a it just like levels down the necessity of um how much you how much distraction not distraction but like simulation that you need like this is a way where um I'm able to utilize this tool to get me um to a place where I feel not overly stimulated but like a medium where before I just operated in highs and lows and how medium and how that level leveling like I want a life like that and even though I've made a career out of doing life like this where will the coaster like my my mind and my body deserves to live in the like the middle ground and like one thing my um when I was in kind of like my party phase my mom was just like what do you celebrating and I was like it's a really good question oh my god and like that question like drastically shifted my whole world I'm like yeah I don't know what I'm celebrating the tattoo yeah exactly what are you partying about yeah what are you celebrating I'm like oh oh took all the celebration out of it and then I was just like it kind of similarly is just like what am I seeking when I'm going yeah why am I racing what am I going towards yeah like know that and then understand that there's the lows and the the slow process and everything is worth it because like then it will have that big payoff celebration rather than it being these like little moments right which refueling my ADHD right and now I can focus more on these longer journey bigger bigger goals of like partnership and like like a work that is sustaining and fulfilling and like exercise routines that I can stick to and things like that where it's just like that kind of stability is something that I deserve and want to to build on rather than these like quick patch ups or like parties about nothing what are you celebrating is the title of this one episode two what are you celebrating so it's sort of if I'm hearing correctly like realizing that this previous way of being and working was unsustainable basically yeah it's there's a long-winded saying way of saying that yeah like yeah because like I'm now turning 37 and I go and just like I don't life like that it doesn't need a function like that and you think a lot of that was like ADHD a big part of it was that but I also then was built I built a career that thrived in those settings because this is what worked that's what worked yeah and be living in New York City that's how the that's what I thought at least was the drum of how things have to operate when to be honest it doesn't yeah you can literally create structures in ways so how you know how are you trying to live and work that way knowing that your ADHD kind of has a tendency to go the other way it's a work in progress I think the awareness of it all is just that in and of itself is very new to me and then I think doing things that feed that part of me like filming a DJ once in a while or like doing things that like I almost put it at label as old self and like you don't need to do those like no like go into a rave once in a while filming a DJ like doing things that I had labeled as like old me that but we're like super fulfilling in like the type of energy or something that I had fed like letting those in a little bit and not labeling them as something negative to balance this and it's just more of an understanding of who I am and just realizing that there's this I'm a complex recipe of these things and it's not like these this thing is going to fix it or not and you have to drastically change something or anything like that it's like oh cool I'm a collection of all these moments for my 30 years 37 years how do I take pieces of it and that can be from friendships and from different jobs and everything rather than it being like it has to be brand new or it has to like be a certain way like putting up boundaries and walls around it not doing that and just like being more open into understanding like you know this this is you this is who you are like pause at times and then just just you're gonna fail like that's always happens but like it doesn't need to be like rock bottom fails it doesn't need to be like super highs you can just you're you're old enough now to understand the the world in a different way so just just walk don't run don't fight don't fight don't run yeah yeah I think for me getting the diagnosis so much of it was just it allowed me to understand myself better right to at least have a framework to understand that like it's not just that like something's wrong with me it's more just like oh my brain works in a different way that could just be understood differently than it needs to be managed differently from maybe how like mainstream society expects you to manage it and it just allowed me to be kinder to myself right I think a lot of it is age a lot of it is just like yeah realizing like I it was unsustainable to keep going the way it was where I was just so hard on myself and constantly criticizing myself for not doing things the way I thought I should be doing them and yeah just realizing like oh like working with my brain instead of against it and realizing that like slowing down especially when again our ADHD and society yeah and our industries keep pushing us to like go faster and faster when you're and just be like yeah no oh slow down but easier said than done right sure I've ever pretty good at slowing down today Yeah, it's what it's it's almost five and we yeah, you came here at 11 30 We did it. Do you have like a sign off? No, I just end with thank you then today well Thanks to Alex Alex said everything up. I didn't actually set this this goes to my co-founder will Thomas He said all of this gear up. Yeah, so thank you to you for joining me. Yeah, thanks for having me Yeah, thank you to Will Thomas. Yeah, and of guesandite. Yeah, studio. Yeah, perfect. Yeah Cool thanks for doing the second episode now. It's real now. There's a second. Yeah, you got two now It's more than one Oh my friends have ADHD All my friends have ADHD All my friends have All my friends have ADHD