#193 - Chris Distefano

Hoppa! Welcome everybody to Stavi's World. 904-800-STOP. Call the Visible Hotline. Call the Stavi's World Hotline presented by Visible. Keep it in. We love Visible. We use our office line as Visible and they have sponsored the Stavi Hotline. And today, in a little bit, about 40 minutes, 45 minutes, me and my good pal Chris DiStefano are going to be taking calls on the hotline. Chris CD, thanks for coming. I love it, dude. Shout out Visible. You can suck it. Bleep that out. I believe they're also a sponsor. Oh, they are? Sorry about that. And they're not that connected. It's a weird thing to say suck it to, Chris. Yeah, I probably shouldn't have said that, but hey, you know what, dude? I'm having fun in here and I'm just letting it rip. That's what it's about. It feels so, you know, something feels right about being with you in the summer, man. Yeah. We had such a beautiful, this is a summer Bears reunion. And it's one of those things. It's one of those things where, you know, Tom has been public. Yeah, there's not much to talk about when it comes to the Bears right now. Yeah, Tom's been very public. And I said, and I'm good friends with Tom, and I just texted him, you know, checking in, you know, hope everything's good with the divorce, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And then I said, hey, man, dude. He was your guy. Yeah. You're like, where are you hiding your money? Because I'm getting, the reason, I've been thinking the reason you probably took so long to get married is because you were figuring out opening up accounts in the Cayman Islands. Yes. Yeah. And the thing is, it just. It takes a little while because my father does have a criminal background. So the Cayman Islands were just a little slow, but we did officially get it done. And it feels. And on paper, you're, you're on, you're on food stamps. Oh, dude. It's amazing, bro. It's amazing. I mean, yeah, dude. And so, so I asked Tom, I said, I said, you know, dude, Stavros, you know, I know he's home now. He's been in the movies, but so I said, we can kind of, if you want to tag us in. Summer Bears, if you need. And Tom's response was not happening this summer. So it's just one of those things where I think Tom is saying, you know what? I think, you know, let them finish all their legal procedure before they put a, they learned their lesson. Yeah. Yeah. Trusting two fucking idiots like us. I know. Well, it was one of those things. They take over their million dollar property. Where I know I asked Tom once, Tom was like, I was like, how are you liking Summer Bears or Winter Bears? He's like, dude, I love it. He was like, and I love it because the first 30 minutes of seemingly every episode is just you two shitting on Bert. So he was like, Bert kind of just, he was like, I watch Bert. Just kind of taking all this in about how you, how the comedy scene really feels about him. And then he said, it's just, it's fun for me to watch Bert. Of course. Yeah. Of course. Yeah. Oh, smart for Tom. Cause this would have been his summer. Oh yeah. This would have been the summer that Tom's in the crosshairs. That's why he's the shrewdest between the two of them. Let me tell you something right now. Out of all the people we know, we know now we know a lot of people who are making real money and we're at the point now we've been doing this so long where it's like, we've watched our peers become moguls. Some of them become moguls. Yeah. And it's just one of those things where, but Tom, out of all of them is the shrewdest. Like Tom is one of those guys. When I was talking to Tom once we, I did a show with them. I opened her up for him at the fricking United center. Right. He killed whatever. And then immediately after, you know, I was like, how'd you like the show? Tom was like, oh, it was great. Within five seconds, somebody came up to him with a clipboard and was going over the F and B, the merchandise, the food and beverage, the merchandise, and the, and basically the profit in the, the, the, the numbers in numbers out. See respect. But. I didn't do comedy, do gay shit like that. That sucks. Yeah. I think the business, the, the, the, the, the, like comedians becoming businessmen sucks. Yeah. That's not who the fuck we are. We're not smart. And we're not business guys. That's why Christina wanted the divorce. Why can't we just be fun? Yeah. Look, I don't want to, I will not get no conjecture here. Those are actual friends of ours going through a public divorce. I do not envy them. Yeah. But look, I will say. Everyone's looking at it from the, oh, guy gets, guy get fat. Rich and hot. Fat guy loses weight. Yeah. He divorced. Do you think it's fun? Who do you think it's more fun to be married to? Yeah. A fun fat guy or a guy on peptides. Right. You know what I mean? Right. If you had to pick. Sure. In your old age, like that's what I'm banking on. 100%. For me, the, the, the, the, like, uh, the, the prime of my life I've known since I was a boy. Yeah. Is going to be my forties. Oh yeah. As a child, you will look at me and you're like, that child should be bought. Bald obese. Yes. With a bad back. And that will be the prime of his life. That will be. That was my, you could see it in my face. Oh yeah. Like this is who I was always meant to be. No, any girl out there listening. Just know if you want to get the best fucking of your life from Stavros, it's right now. Because as you're losing weight and getting healthier, it's going to get shittier and shittier. But right now you can pipe something with the bad back. Oh, you're right. It's my life depends. Dude, I guarantee you the best, the best sex you ever had is when you had no teeth. When you had, when you were missing. Probably true. You were probably piping girls because you knew how hard you had to work for it. That is true. All I had, I was like, it was like, look, I've, I've sort of, I have, I won't say tricked. That's, that has a legal connotation. I was going to say that. That, yeah. But I, not tricked. Everything was above board. Yeah. Everyone's happy to be there. But I'll say this. I think many women that I hooked up with when I was toothless were very surprised that I, that I, that like my, I had charm. Sure. They see a toothless guy. And they're like, this is, you know, you know what I'm saying? I fucked a lot of girls. They're like, this is fun. Yeah. Yeah. Like, I'll never do this again. Yeah. Like, cause you were the guy. It's like me going salsa dancing. Right. I'll, I'll try it once. I'll have a good time. I'm never doing it again. I dabble. A lot of girls fucked me back then. And still to this day, as a fun and like, huh. Well, well, I mean, think about the point of view from, you know, the women that you were having sex with, like some hot yoga chick, you know, the next day hits the group chat and the girl's like, how was your night last night? And she's like, I fucked a toothless fat guy. And exactly. If you're bad at fucking, basically what I'm saying is you have earned, it's like, it's like a, it's like being a, like a kid from a disadvantaged background and you have a criminal record. Right. And you're trying to get into college. You're like, I know my grades aren't great and I know I had a shady past, but you will not regret it if you give me a chance. If that kid goes and fails and robs, you know, steals a box of Uncrustables from the cafeteria. Right. He's going to jail. He's going to jail. If basically as a fat toothless broke, also broke back then, like Compton was starting to make money, but I wasn't, you know, I had, I wasn't like, you know, I couldn't just be like flex with cash. Right. I had enough to take you on a nice date, but everything I had going for me, if, if I then am bad at fucking, then, then they're going to be like, biggest mistake of my fucking life. They're going to be pissed. But if I'm good at fucking, they're like, Hey, that was a fun little experience. Hell yeah. Fucking that toothless guy who's, well, my clit fit. In the gap in his teeth. Yeah. He could just gum my pussy for a little bit. And now, and now, and now cut to that hot chick, like she's married three years later and you know, her husband takes her to go see Tony and then she's, he's looking like, look at this fat fucker. And then she's like, yeah, no, ew. You know what? That is really funny. Cause they probably are, that's going to be tough. Especially if these guys were like Comptown fans or something. Yeah. Cause those guys all hate, like not all. The ones that have stuck with me are the best, like people who are with you from the time you're 20. Oh my God. And have been with you at every incarnation. Those are, I love you guys so much, but there is a nice contingent that blames me for stealing, take, in their minds they see it as I have destroyed the one thing they loved. Got it. Right. And if one of those, if I happen to have fucked one of those guys, the lady he ends up marrying, if that comes out, that could be really devastating. And don't tell them girls. Right. Never tell, it's not worth it. That actually would be one of those moments where it's like, you fear for your safety. Like you got to know how to defend yourself. Yeah. Yeah. It's like, I didn't even fuck some guy's current wife. It's just, I fucked some guy's now wife seven years ago. Yeah. And I still think if it's the right guy, that's a big problem. That actually happened to me once. I was at a show. I think I was at the Charlotte Comedy Zone. Shout out to Charlotte Comedy Zone, which I will be returning to in November. We did the even shittier one, the Greensboro Comedy Zone. And I had a blast. Shout out to them. And you know you're, listen, it is just shitty. Let's, let's not, it's in the, the B, I could, you could see the BP. Right. Like it, like it, there's. There's no, you can see the parking lot you're in. Right. In the thing. And the, it's, it was, it was clearly like a, it used to be like a, like a stone store. Like they sold like bricks or some shit. Yeah. And so they had, they had like hilarious, like beautiful stonework, masonry around it. And you, clearly this used to be a showroom for tiles. Right. But they didn't, they didn't change the decor. Yeah. And the, literally the owner who was the man working the fryer. Yeah. The owner was making pizzas, working the fryer and kind of like checking on us in the green room. I've never seen that. I'm not at the privilege or the honor, but hopefully my agent's listening. It was, yeah. That's where we want to go next. Right after we do the Sacramento Punchline, which is above that mattress store. Somebody bought a baby. Oh yes. The, sorry to step on that. Yes. Yeah. I love, that's a great club. That is a great club. It is above a, it is above a mattress store. But. Although you know what's weird about that? Yeah. And listen, I work at a lot of Live Nation venues. Why is Live Nation buying comedy clubs? I don't know. That sucks. I don't know. Listen, I don't think we should have, I think they should, there should be, it's so funny because there's people talking about capitalism is good. The version of American capitalism we have is just like a company gets successful and now they just buy everything. Right. And it's like, I've had a great time working with Live Nation, but I would love if they had two competitors, like more, five competitors, right? Yes. Or just that no company should own every anything. Right. Especially not every art venue. And so, and look, the big theaters, that's one thing, but a comedy, like it's above a fucking mattress store. Come on. You need this, Live Nation? Yeah. There's a fish restaurant I can smell next door. Yeah, you own Madison Square Garden. I believe that's your boy Dolan. Oh, that is, that is. But Live Nation is, they're in with Madison. Aren't they like the official MSG buyer? Oh, you know what? You're probably right. I thought they were. But I just know they have a bunch of awesome. msg owns like every awesome shout out to radio i did radio city this year that was you did the the theater at msg yeah i did radio city in 2023 it was one of those moments where i did i did radio city friday theater at msg saturday oh wow um and i felt like literally like the king of the world that's incredible yes and then you know systematically year by year it's just went like this yeah but i can feel myself getting back up can i ask you a question though do you have to get back up for real good question because you what you're describing is two of the most iconic venues in new york you sold it you sold that's 10 000 tickets it was yeah that's fucking ridiculous yeah and to do that once you did it i think like this it's a good point it's the it's sort of like the the pat riley what is i think what is striking comedy right now is the pat riley idea which popular i i've heard bill simmons i'm not gonna sit here and pretend i listen by the way pat riley 1990s pat riley nicks every single one of our mothers wanted to fuck him 100 yeah i i'd fuck him like if you show me a picture of that guy now he was so suave oh yeah like if you could look he looked so good in a fucking suit um the disease of more is his idea it's like once you win a championship like uh again i'm just parroting bill simmons who was quoting pat riley here once you win a championship even role players like it gets their head right and look i think we're both funny guys sure we're calm we're at the at the top of stand-up but we're role players yeah are we do we have to be do we have to be mj we're not no mulaney shane do it you know what i mean like you guys fucking you guys keep playing arenas yeah i'm i would love i actually kind of want my career to stop going this much interesting i would love to just play it's a blessing to play 2 000 seaters yeah did you ever in your wildest dreams when your fucking dad is you know putting putting uh putting bets on the mets yeah when my mom is smuggling me in the back of the car and i'm like oh my god i'm in amtrak car to get away from my father who's wanted by the mafia and i'm i'm living the first six months of my life in lancaster pennsylvania no i never dreamed that i'd even sell out gotham comedy club i was like one day i'll do a thursday at mcgoofy's and now i'm playing the chicago theater i'm playing msg i don't fucking deserve this right our heroes the people we looked up to they never better comics than us yeah never played theaters the way we did we just got lucky yeah we're in the era of 200 million dollar guaranteed contracts yes and they were in the era of fucking converses and flying it's a good point right like legends played comedy clubs and look we played comedy clubs a lot too but they played they might have done a theater once or twice like somebody was telling me a story where it's like ray romano when he maybe it was even you i did i was just gonna bring him up ray romano i was at with him at the comedy cellar once great guy obviously legendary comic you know made tons of money and a great guy like great i think people forget comic i don't know him as a guy he probably she i think people forget because he's so and he became sneakily crazily a great actor like imagine martin scorsese didn't know who he was yeah and he just liked him as an actor for the irishman and he was great in it great i mean romano might have the best in terms of the best lives yeah i think it might be him ray romano even sandler who's the man he's so famous right and he and and like he's figured out making movies with your friends but ray romano dude great comic legendary sitcom at a time where if you have a sitcom you are richer than god no dude ray romano to this day is still getting i would assume checks from everybody's raymond for millions and millions of dollars entire albanian family would would would huddle up against the fucking tv and watch ray every every tv we loved everybody loves watching it live from a dirt hut they saved up the electricity for the week just to watch an episode of everybody loves raymond no hot water i interviewed brad garrett at my old job one time for some show he was doing and he was like i was like oh i just got to tell you before we start my family loved everybody loves raymond one thanksgiving we like binged a marathon of it for 10 hours he was like was your tv broken yeah i'm sure he loved hearing yeah but you know what dude he ray romano he's probably there promoting some indie movie where he's trying to like make a pivot into drama yeah and i'll just like i love when you played the fat or the the big dumb older brother yeah yeah is there a way is there a way that you can uh you know put me in touch with ray that's my life too it's like somebody come up to me and be like dude i'm such a big fan i love you can you get me sal vulcano's info i love hey babe and and so and so but i'm sorry but with ray so so we're seeing a comedy seller and he goes uh and he said you know all this thing and he started mentioning ticket sales and he said you know at the height at the height of everybody loves raymond the most tickets he ever sold was the beacon theater which is 2006 which is was an amazing and still is amazing but now it's like and i'm gonna say this is gonna sound like i'm bragging but what i'm saying is this is an injustice i sold out the beacon three times yeah i am not a better comic and i do not deserve that in the way ray romano did right and comedy needs to be we we literally need to it's getting to the point where i'm like tax even us yes not even well i'm not i don't condone that i'm just saying do we really deserve this yeah we're fucking stupid no dude i'm telling you i'm telling you yannis always tells me yannis has this thing where he's like the thing about our lives as you know podcasters and doing stand-up is it's such a dream it's such a good that you have to tell yourself you have to convince yourself that you don't have any of these real problems that you think you have you're just literally getting paid to make people laugh and it should become like almost effortless to you he was like so don't get in your head like this and that like he he thinks it's even better than being an athlete because like after that you got your body you're on the road all the time he was like us it's like you're using your mind it's different yeah we don't we really don't deserve it at all it's no deserve it and ray romano too he's a funny guy i was at a i was at a knicks game with him once and he was wearing a jet shirt and somebody in like the back room was like you're wearing a jet shirt to a knicks game and he was like yeah i'm ray romano and i'll slap your cock on the table right yeah yeah fuck that bitch nice man i was like hell yeah yeah good for you he's the man dream guest elders we need to do it we should do a patreon where we like we've put our fucking list of dream guests because ray is way up there he's and he's by close i mean he'll come on this pod no problem i mean rosie o'donnell big one for me you come to the comedy cell i don't i haven't been in the comedy cell in a while but i can't wait i'm gonna my plan i i'm very i have nothing after this you know the special comes out next month september 8th guys tony is out in new york this week new york la this week hires comes out next week it's the summer of stuff come on dude but once all that is over and i'm gonna promote the fuck out of my special because i really believe in it and i worked really hard on it we got matt johnson to direct it uh who's the fucking man um uh once that's done though i i was gonna go to greece but i decided like it's gonna end in around october yeah the best city in the world to be in in october november new york it's the fall in new york is unbelievable so i'm basically just gonna be a tourist here and do stand up for fun dude yeah just go up and and and not try and work on anything not worry i'm just gonna go have fun eat eat the wings that took my tooth because the comedy seller is that true did you break your tooth i was watching mark normand run his hour at the fat black pussycat and i cracked my fucking tooth and this is when i was fucking broke dude this is before this was like the very early days of come town where it was like shit was not going good right uh and i could i didn't have a dentist i had to go to my mom i cracked the tooth or actually you know what the tooth cracked because uh i had to go to my mom and i had to go to my mom and i went it had started bothering me before i even moved to new york it was in baltimore the year before i moved and i went to my mom my mom just had a dentist who was like a nice guy that just did cash root canals sure you know yeah in between his real paying customers and yeah nice guy and everything he fucked my root canal up i mean cash root canals yeah cash root canal that's something i would like a paper trail yeah yeah that's something that it's like you know i don't want i don't want someone to squeeze me in on a root canal i would really like him to have his full teeth and i would like him to have his full teeth and i would like him to have his full attention right on my front tooth's root canal right makes sense uh but i cracked it literally watching mark um run his hour or something and yeah it was on the it was the olive trees wings yeah and they're i think they're the best wings in the city they are and the best ranch by the way or blue i don't even know what it is it's some kind of ranch blue cheese hybrid perhaps yeah the comedy seller has better wings and ranch than they do comedy yeah and that's not even good the wings are they are what i mean i mean there's there there are multiple people that only go to the olive tree cafe which is above the comedy seller that go there for the wings and only find out years into them going that there's a comedy club downstairs i would have if i didn't do comedy i would have been one of those people i promise you um uh and uh anyway so um i cracked it there what the fuck was i talking about we were talking about your teeth we were talking about um what else i'm off the zeppi my mom came to visit and i had to take her i had to take her to get some beautiful meals where'd you take her uh i took her to get some chinese uh uh it was pretty good but she like she wanted to do the traditional new york shit so we we didn't get the line that she came on a weekend the line at catches was too long but we went to um russ and daughters which is i've never been there dude the best locks and the best bagel locks in the city i would say interesting because they have very high they have many different types of high quality smoked salmon so my mom got the gravlax i got the pastrami they have a loin they have a fatty right a loin cut they have different smoke different levels of smoke smoked salmon and cream cheese i've only again recently gotten into and i do like it because again i'm from a place called ridgewood queens which is mostly german immigrants so at that time any type of lox and cream cheese was just referred to as jew shit right so so now that i'm out of that and the fog is cleared of that i'm more cultured i realize that lox and cream cheese on a bagel is maybe one of the best things you can eat in your life so fucking yeah but it did fuck my stomach up and when and i was fresh off it was the first day of zep you can't get you shouldn't do yeah fatty fish and creamy cheeses on day one day one of the zep what milligrams are you up to now i'm at a i'm at a nice 10 wow so you're pumping are you doing the uh those quick pens or are you just loading it up quick pen stomach i have a stomach yeah dude stomach check out uncle stav there might be some material about my journey with zep bound so when you zep and i mean 10 milligrams now you're pushing that thing in for like 20 seconds right like it's slow or do you just light it light i think you just light it up light it up let it go it's not like more liquid it's just more medicine it's a more it's a better right 10 milligrams though do you notice that like day one day two it's really working then starts to fade all of it starts the way this shit works is it hits you like a fucking brick wall actually it takes like four hours to kick in in my experience four or five maybe even six hours well you know at this point you know it's like oh zep hit me i know the i know the rhythms typically it hits me the most kind of let's say 30 hour 30 30 to 36 hours after is when it's the it gets you the most like i've been sick because if you eat because the the thing i've learned and i definitely ate through it for months sure if you overdo it day because there's a you do it and there's like four hours before it hits you and if you like a moron eat like shit during those four hours all the junk food you ate you binged basically because at the end the end of your last shot the second the fucking medicine kicks in right they're like oh you wanted oh you wanted fucking pizza and wings at 2 a.m buddy yeah it's diarrhea for a whole day that's and you're gonna burp those disgusting like sulfur burps yeah and because i've gotten over thank god because i've learned right i honestly it's like you ever play like this is such a bad analogy but like uh like a like like like uh solid metal gear solid we have to sneak around okay yeah yeah yeah and like or even like a james bond like yeah double oh seven where it's like the guard walks down the hallway yeah and when there's like a moment where the guard like turns his back that you could like yeah sneak to your objective day seven of the shot right like the day before you take the shot that's the guard is all the way at the other end of the hole yeah and that's where you'd be like and just fucking go crazy and eat like an animal yeah but if you don't stop if you do it a little too long and the guard turns his back and he catches you yeah you are gonna be shitting your brain because you're gonna be throwing up well because yeah it's it's that slow gastric emptying so like that food is gonna be normally i mean went out of you in 90 miles an hour shit and then you're done is now you get the radar gun yeah you point my ass at the radar gun yeah it's it's you don't even have to wipe johnson just destroying the bird yeah it's just that's that's the fucking velocity i'm shitting at without zep without zep out but but so but i think you know the the because what happened with me what i see because the i i i took it i took a couple of zappies i took i tried a little zep down and you dipped your toes i dipped my toes in it and we're looking good by the way thank you baby and and so and so i had i had stopped it i had taken i was taking the red of true tide which i i told you on chrissy chaos podcast that that's like the triple agnes that's like the crazy one that's like not street legal yet and i got a guy find about find out about this that that the algorithm i just started talking to chat gpt every day and you know instagram's just always listening to you so they just started pumping me all these meatheads that but then it started which at first well the meatheads at first were telling me about red or true tide on instagram but i was like i don't believe it but then jacked actual medical doctor started talking about red or true tide on instagram so i said now i'm in i know i don't like a jacked doctor no something about it i don't want my doctors the extremes yeah right a little muscle that's fine right don't don't send me a guy looks like sam sulek yeah you know what i mean don't don't send me a doctor that's like so your blood type's looking a little and look i know you guys i'm fat as shit who is he to fucking say he doesn't oh he's fucking i'm just saying me personally right i have an aversion and by the way i want a healthy looking dog i want a doctor with a little pop in his body sure i just don't want i don't want neck right you know what i mean i don't want like and i also don't want and if they're jacked i want them to hide it in the office setting interesting when you see a doctor that is wearing a shirt that is just a little too small because he wants you to know he's jacked because i have listen i have a sex i actually i went to a pretty handsome doctor i don't want i don't want to dox him but the guys are he's a piece of ass right he knows it good guy shout out next time i see him i'll ask him if he's comfortable with me yeah you'll dm me his info he's awesome he's the man he helped me with my back a lot and he's a handsome guy and i bet you he could dress in a way that probably accentuates his body more right but i don't want to notice my doctor's body no yeah because what i want is my doctor to be like almost like a like a an ethereal being of pure medical knowledge right my doctor could be a light beam right that like doesn't speak with sound waves but like right shoots energy right information into my eyes you want an indian doctor like you want or with the indian energy no no like i didn't like i mean like i mean like an ancient wisdom yes yes which is a shaman yes who also went to is a real scientist yes i want you that's a good point i want some mix of like i want the vibe of a a traditional medicine healer with the the knowledge and the study of modern medicine i get it you don't want your doctor to be coming in with a sleeveless lab coat and i just don't want to think of them as human beings i want them to be entities right right which is tough they're humans of course but you know and same goes like if if like like for example i had a i think i've told the story before but i had back in back in the day when i'm when i was broke i just went to the first dentist i saw like there was just a dentist on steinway did no research yeah i was just like all right fuck it i need a teeth cleaning yeah and they're like your teeth are really fuck i hadn't been in the dentist your gums are fucked you know i was getting to the point where it's like if i brushed my teeth it was just like i was spitting out hawaiian punch yeah yeah yeah because i didn't brush i also just didn't brush my teeth for like four years and now i'm big on brushing i know i'm a 30 year old man bragging about brushing suck my dick right but uh i know i'm 37 but i started brushing my teeth regularly at 30 years old you know that's amazing so you would go weeks without brushing once and on the road oh i didn't even pack a toothbrush yeah i would just be like if my mouth feel disgusted i would do one of fucking these you know yeah that was a real piece of shit yeah um uh you know what you do your parents are overworked they try their hardest there's going to be some blind spots when your mom works for jobs and your dad is uh working late but you know just you figured it out yeah yeah yeah um anyway i had at that point my doctor who at the time i thought was hot as shit in hindsight she was just a korean woman with lip fillers sure but at the time i like that though listen i still like that but at the time it was really i was really doing it for me she was kind of trashy yeah and it was like she had and and it's like she was hot and she had like lashes and i literally pretended i didn't need anesthesia because i was like i don't want her to think i'm a bitch you know yeah because so because i was like in what world am i ever gonna fuck this woman none right but that just that caveman brain where you're like a beautiful a hot woman that you want to fuck yeah uh you just don't want to admit weakness in front of her and this was my doctor right so what i'm saying is hot guy jacked guy also by the way fat as shit i don't want a doctor that's fat no i'll say i'll say i'll be a traitor to my own community yeah um i'll listen to the and listen i'll listen to both the jacked and the fat doctor yeah but i'm listening to them less than just a reg i just want base i want neutrality i get it yeah so anyway i'm sorry to no you off i jack doctor was telling you about reddit i get that yeah no but the guy in a chip all those bow tie all this makes sense like even even with the doctor like i don't even want a doctor to like let me know that they know i do comedy it already makes me feel like now i don't trust you if you're spending you should all your time should be researching cancer medicines what are you watching my podcast right i'm not gonna help you at all right so but yeah that's a good point but he said red or true tide so so i started taking this was your doctor is a jack doctor on instagram well no no so what happened was is is the doctor jack doctor on instagram kind of broke down red or true tide and all the benefits of it and then my friend who is a doctor and my friend who is no no put it put it okay my friend who is he thinks like the benefits are there so when anyway i started taking it and then i just started being like ah maybe this is this is you know coming from china these are chinese peptides who knows what's in it so i said let me do the zep bound because that's the real fda approved stuff and i liked it but for whatever reason it just kind of the the hunger appetite suppression effects were a little bit more than the red or true time because i'm sure i was just in i was probably not injecting anything in my body get the red true time from a doctor no no no yeah probably another it was just placebo yeah yeah i was getting fatter actually clear eyes somebody yeah he went and got eye drops yeah poured it into a little glass vial and was like there you go chris i was reading about this it's good for you yeah 650 cash only yeah and yeah yeah like the way i don't want cash only uh fucking root canals i don't want cash only fucking but so what happened was is i took it and then like it was doing what it was supposed to do making you not hungry a little nauseous and then i kind of was feeling like a little constipated and that does happen and so i don't know what happened like i woke up we were actually on our trip in colonial williamsburg virginia which is where we finally go each each year you're the funniest guy in the world yeah you really are just a dork yes who's like liberal likes gay like and i don't mean that in the right way you like gay media when you're talking on your bias you like muna which is a band i love i love yeah they're so good but they're it's like lesbians and trans and non-binary people yeah uh who make just bangers yeah you like the 1975 which is i like that band also because i like you know but that's literally music for women no i literally that's the way i found out about muna is because i put the 1975 spotify playlist on and muna came up and i was like i like them because they kind of sound like if the 1975 were even bigger lesbians yeah yeah and so i was like i'm in you know yeah yeah absolutely so so but i love listening to the 1975 and pretending a model broke up with me sure you know that piece of shit's writing songs about the hottest one of all time yeah and they're and you know what i mean it's like yeah i love pretending that's my life yeah i love listening to that and pretending i'm a foppish little british man right who just got head from who you know broke some hot woman's yeah she cheated on him or something like that banging taylor swift yeah oh that's right yeah oh famously of course famously and and and so you know i'm a foppish little british man who just got head from who you know broke some hot woman's maddie healy good good well great i remember that he went on their show and he was oh man that was so funny i was so upset when i saw maddie healy on the adam freeland show because i was like i wanted to be the comic that got him and i probably would hate you and i i know i know yeah well i i purposely brought him up on joe rogan just so i was like maybe he'll hear this hilarious and he did and then he reached out he dm'd me he reached out no he's the man yeah yeah and and so and so we started talking he's a he's a funny cool guy he actually is funny but it is it does jasmine my wife like we went to the 1975 concert in master grade garden and i was like couldn't wait to like go backstage and meet him and i i could feel it was turning jasmine off you know yeah yeah i mean it is it's the meme of like is it uh fellas is it gay to like music you know what i mean and you know what when your wife's puerto rican yeah it is it is because you're it's that's a if it's a man and you like the song too much you're gay right and if it's a woman and you like it too much she's gay and you like the song too much and you like the song too much and you like she's you like oh you want a fucker right kind of in a you can't you really can't win unless you listen to bachata well do you do this with music when i listen to the 1975 or any musician what i do is i get going to la la land and go into a dream fugue state because i envision my me being the lead like i envision me being the lead singer of course i'm singing to the crowd yeah does that is that what you do when i was a little boy that's how i used to be where i was like i'm like this because there was i've said this before but i was like i really thought i was so hot because i think my mom believed in me so much sure and told me i was a handsome boy so much that like it really took me like until fourth or fifth grade to be like wait i'm a little disgusting little fat guy yeah i'm not the piece that like i was like why don't these girls like me right i was like huh in the movies all the characters that i identify with go up to a girl and she's immediately in love with them yeah but in my life they're all really mad when i try and talk to them yeah what's going on there what is it yeah and then i figured out oh my life is gonna be different literally stamos i thought i was john stamos right in my head when i was a little fat boy i saw myself as a child version of john stamos in a leather jacket with my hair yeah you're like i'm not joking you're like mom is it does it in america is it normal when girls like you for them to pepper spray you is calling the police because you asked them how their day was is that a type of flirting mom is that american or is that how it is in greece mommy um but but so but so anyway so i don't do that but that bound thing so i took it colonial was i just think it's so funny that you're at your heart you're a like yes you're a liberal who likes uh you know queer sure coded art yeah it is a history and i love history and i was beaten up for it a lot yeah growing up in ridgewood which is by the way is the biggest historically designated uh place in the whole state of new york um but ridgewood if you go throughout ridgewood queens you'll know because all the street signs are brown when you see a brown when you see a brown street sign that means a historically designated area when you see a black street sign that means that that actual street not only is it historically designated but the root of it hasn't been changed since they discovered it so cool so you see those a lot downtown and then green is just regular right so so that's pretty gay that i even know that that's awesome yeah i love that no but you're a dork is my point right you're a dork and your wife is like a hot latina spin instructor spin instructor and your children will probably not respect you 100 they're gonna see you as a dork but that's good that's who you're meant to be yes i think the problem is you need to get cucked right you in your heart you're a cuck yeah you're fighting against it and you're trying to be an italian who cheats right and you're actually a dork you're right who should be getting cheated on yes and then you on the side hire a non-binary dominatrix that's to get it out of your but i do think i'm getting closer to that being i think i'm getting closer to realizing who i actually am what kind of life i actually want because i've been living the version of what other people want me to live but it's not really what i want i want to i want to i want to be front row at moona while my wife is having an affair and you know what that's exactly what you need and deserve yes that will bring balance to your life yes truly in a way that i'm not even joking anymore yeah yeah and i think then you'll see the best my how you put out your best work on special coming out you'll see my best work cross you'll see my best work when that happens honestly yeah chrissy cuck special yeah the the like you dealing with getting cheated on accepting it and becoming a good you know and just being like but this is my life right and i'm happy to do it i love her right it's the best because i would also be really interesting yeah it would be interesting art to has anybody done a special about getting cucked right because people have done obviously we've got divorce specials we've got no richard prior setting himself on fire no i would love a really good and we've had obviously some like you know there have been like let's bounce back from getting canceled specials that have their own specific energy but bounce back from getting cucked specials now you haven't seen that because that's that's not artistically that's interesting that could be it because because i've noticed something about me is as the years have went on in my career is is i have the look of like people like you know someone like the the more like liberal crowd or the crowd of like maybe comedians who came in and were like in school and they get into comedy they initially look at me and they're like fuck that guy but then they get to know me they're like you know what chris is okay i like chris like even even red band who who hates everybody and eventually he did come around to fully despising me but but initially when he first heard about me he was like you know what i i'm on the fence with chris i don't hate him right away i don't hate him right away right so that tells me that there's something in me i'm projecting something that i'm not is what it is because did you ever bully like did you no you never bullied i never bullied as a matter of fact when i was always on you know on the teams or the athlete whatever you were yeah you were i was hanging out you were great you're great at basketball could play sports you had the ability to bully you had the build and i never did it and you never i never did it i was always the guy that was like talking like like there's multiple people that i went to high school with that the friends in my group chat when i went to high school with don't even know that they spent four years of their life with you know that korean immigrant kid but i know you know son yeah yeah you know and i would talk to him and we would hang out i never played the dungeons and dragons and that stuff but i was never mean to them and i would never like you know just flip over their table or hit them you know hit them with ketchup i would just never did that i'm like yeah whatever so so so for me i think as life is going on i'm realizing like okay who you presented yourself as somebody for all these years but that really with comedy the real you's got to come out here totally now now who that guy is i'm still figuring out but i know it's probably because i the first five years of my comedy career i presented myself as a comedian i presented myself as a comedian i presented myself as a comedian i presented myself as an italian immigrant of course and then i realized that i'm actually mostly german yeah yeah i mean i remember i didn't know you at all and i was still like an open mic or you had a great letterman set about sort of your dad being in the mafia yes and it was really it was really interesting and it's not true and it's yeah it's mostly fabricated yeah yeah yeah even my 9-11 bit is mostly fabricated the one thing that made me stand out from the path but i look at i think it's more of who i wanted my dad to be yeah yeah you know right so that so it's interesting your dad sucked the guy's dick yeah the real stories he's like i'll do anything so so my therapist told me he's like you know you've done something interesting you've taken who you want to be and who you want your dad to be and your mom to be in your life to be and you've presented it which is what creative artists do so he's like if you've you know if you were a painter maybe you'd be painting stuff but you do comedy so the presented he goes the problem with you is because you are such a naturally honest vulnerable person you're presenting yourself as a comedian and you're presenting yourself as a person and you're presenting these things as truth when really in your it's not who you are so you got to get to the point now hey present who actually i am who actually my family is did you did you have as a child were you a liar you're big time yeah yeah but i was a liar but it wasn't it was interesting therapist uncovered this it wasn't to be deceitful that the lying that i would do about my dad or family heritage was was more of a protective state because like i didn't want to tell someone that oh actually my dad you know gambled and lost everything and my mom i would say he's not here because he's in the mafia so i would that's what it was it wasn't to like get to be deceitful like give me stuff it was right right it was you didn't want to explain the sort of very specific kind like a complicated guy right like right half a deadbeat half a good dad sure had a weird very weird relationship with your mom even when they were separated yes very weird it's it's it's it's hard to uh it's hard to communicate that in a schoolyard yes so you then go to in the neighborhood i grew up in the neighborhood i grew up in the neighborhood i grew up in the neighborhood if i grew up somewhere else if i was like in long island you could be more open but it's like you're not to you you grew up in a neighborhood where long island is the place you could be more open and with your feet feelings yeah yeah you know liberal long high yeah you go to you go over to the shore and you can actually stay how yeah these fucking homos on long island with their grass what do you got a backyard pussy we live in apartments yeah so so so i but it's interesting as life because as as i'm getting older here you know i'm going to be 42 it's like you realize like okay you have career you're having fun you have a family it's like you've mostly done stuff that other people want you to do even though you've presented as oh this is what i want to do right so now it's like what do you actually want to do what do you want your life to look at now unfortunately for me and my family that does include moving one more time oh no you really want no no i can't i actually legally can't this time and so um you're fucking baking pies for the police force and you're not the last i'm bound to it i will say i will stay in that village because my kids love the schools but i don't know if i can keep living in that house you're out of your fucking mind i know i do make two stop talking about finding yourself and being deceitful you weren't deceitful because you weren't lying out of deceit it was for protection getting you therapist yeah and get to the bottom of why the fuck you move houses every fucking i know or why i constantly want to it's something crazy dude i don't know there's can i guess tell me here's my what are you seriously yeah here's my guess the second you move into your permanent home with your family there is no more wiggle room there is no more maybe this won't work out maybe i will be sing you know maybe i will just be a single dad and co-parent and like whatever maybe that is the final symbolic end to your youth your scumbaggery your fucking random whores your your free freedom on something because i also had a father who saw he saw his kids as an obligation right and i think your dad was it sounds like you have a good relationship yeah and he was around but also he left when he felt like it yeah you don't have that you don't want to do that you're not you want to be there but somewhere deep inside to you you you you crave the freedom your father had right to just whenever you feel like it pick up and leave right and when you finally move you renovate you put everything in there even though now you're married i mean how fucking long did it take you to get married to a woman you had 14 years old 14 years old right yeah like you had to make sure it was serious yeah yeah you have fought tooth and nail not to accelerate the seriousness of your relationship because i think that represents uh that represents sort of finality right it represents being the positive way great i found my person i'm with my family we're gonna raise our kids in this beautiful home yeah whatever you can relax actually the negative is well i'm trapped right right and so that's my psychological punch does every guy feel that though do you know you would you feel that you don't feel that i do he doesn't i don't you have a wife and kids no no kids but wife yes and you don't feel that you feel like this person makes me better this is what i this i'm i like she is she is like you know most people i have stop i have my friends but i'm like i could like just spend infinite time with her yeah and it's like easy it's not annoying i don't know yeah yeah she feeds the mules she does all the things that albanian women need to do she polishes the stone to go sell at the market yeah you know so maybe they make fucking it's very nice yeah and they can buy a rutabaga and make a soup with it but it's very nice but you're saying you feel different that's why you don't want to get i have what you have i have a my guess is no being friends now for a decade and seeing it i have a different version of what you have because you you are sort of like you're you've been i think the moving even though it's not true you're committed yeah i mean you're in there yeah psychologically i think the moving is the one final right one foot in both worlds thing right because until you're in the house these kids are going to spend the rest of their lives with and i would say to you stop doing that because you're fucking your kid at this point yeah they're two they can't keep moving different houses dude and different schools yeah your your daughter has like been in more airbnbs than a touring comedian yeah yeah she's been in fucking corporate housing and i'm like oh kids do it military dad's like yeah we're not in the military yeah yeah yeah right right exactly so anyway that's my hunch that's my uh it's a good point that's that's my guess moving the kids schools where i i i even i was joking around this is recently i was joking around the other day with my 11 year old and i was like i was like wouldn't it be great to go back to queens and she literally put she was had a spoon full of cheer now yeah she had a spoonful of cheerios right here she put the spoon down and she said dad i do not want to move again yeah i mean what you're doing whatever the fuck you've done the yeah she will in 30 years be talking to her she'll be having this yes conversation right one of her friends will be like look the reason you refuse to move is because of all the yeah like your daughter is going to be in the shittiest house of all time for her entire life right because she yeah that's the you know that's the like flip of it flip of it yeah yeah who knows that's because she'll never want to move i know well the thing is too i think that i think that now i finally am like that feeling of like i want to move i want to i'm getting used to it and i'm and what jasmine said is she was like i've noticed this feeling comes up a lot with you when you come off the road she was like part of your life i think part of you being healthy for you is you need to change scenarios a lot so keep the family in one place here and you move around yeah well that's that's the beauty of being a touring comic it's like when you get tied i mean i quote this tom papa joke all the time but he's like somebody at he had a joke back i used to open for tom he's the man and he had a joke where it was like people ask him like oh i mean you're on the you're on the family every weekend what's the hardest part of spending so much time away and he said and uh his answer was not whistling while i pack which is true it's like this i do think in a weird way this is a healthy way to channel that yes you have the kind of job where you do get to escape for a weekend yeah and you're with your boys you don't have a childish existence yeah dude my dad was like look this life is would be perfect and you can rent and all that if you didn't have a kid you cannot continue to do that yeah i knew it was bad the last the last move and it had to be the final one and it is where even my dad who's done wild shit was like chris this is getting crazy yeah yeah you cannot continue to do this yeah well how about we get listen we we need to i need the people know what you what your mental problems are chime in in the comments is this what the root of chris's maniacal desire to move constantly sure you let us know your theories we're ready to hit the stavis world hotline presented by visible you've told us what your theories are on chris by now in the comments uh let's see what they have let's see what our what our what our beloved listeners have to say hit us ld what up dog this is probably a few times um i'm the guy who on the live show you told that maybe i should quit my job as a legal assistant which i did do uh the what but i got a different problem he called down a live show you told him to quit his job as a legal assistant which he did do oh nice yeah good for him he's like now my life's horrible i'm poor i have no job i'm dead dude what the hell i'm jerking off guys under the bridge yeah anyway go ahead so my girlfriend randomly brought up the idea of a threesome in like a very nebulous way she was like would you be down interesting in the hypothetical quite interesting and i was like well yeah no hesitation like now i'm like she definitely wants a threesome the problem is she's got a threesome and she's got a threesome problem being we've had some let's call them loyalty issues in the past um so i feel sort of like her not cool bringing it up myself but i think then she'll again i'm gonna trigger anything like that pause this does he tell does he say who has the loyalty issues he doesn't specify but it looks like it sounds like he's you know either he cheated yeah which listen if she's bringing up and you cheated hey what are you gonna do yeah but if she cheated and you have the loyalty issues like you're scared about her you you saying i don't want to trigger her about it means you're a coward who actually is feeling a little insecure about this idea but doesn't want to bring it up to his girlfriend who cheated on him in the past so either way i think if if she's the one who cheated i think uh you know you should bring it up if you're the one who cheated you don't have to talk to her about it but you need to search your soul right really think are you capable of having this threesome and not yeah you know like the like the fucking sharks and finding nemo when you taste a little strange pussy are you gonna go crazy afterwards again you know yeah and if and if she's the one that cheated and this threesome isn't going to include you and another guy and her then what i do is i cordially invite you to the muna concert it's just a matter of time till you and chris are from yeah we're gonna be there checking their schedule right after yeah finish let's let's see what else he has to say do i just let it rock and see if she brings it up again or is there a way i can finagle this actually happening oh all right peace that's all okay uh that's okay interesting i mean again going back to what we just said think about those two things i would i would let it i would not force it i would not bring it up unless truly the perfect situation which i don't even know what it would be right and my other question would be like is your girl like yeah what kind of threesome this yeah that's the big question for me i assume it's girl it's my assumptions from his overall demeanor is that it's girl girl and she's interested in a girl but i my hunch is that she's the one who cheated maybe i'm wrong i just maybe well he said she's had some loyalty issues in the past say she did or we did he said we did oh okay so my guess is that we you didn't give us enough information from being completely honest but what are these loyalty issues let me ask you first thing you have to realize is do you actually want this do you actually think you can handle this right the fact that you even brought up the loyalty issues to me say no right like to me this is such an incredible needle to thread like or thread to needle needle to thread needle to thread this is such a tight needle to thread fuck you don't fucking laugh at me you fucking piece of shit that that it has to be comically perfect so Thank you for letting me know that you think that you can handle it okay thank you for letting me know that you can handle it okay thank you for letting me know that you can handle it okay i'll tell you this it's never worked for me it just i think it's a bad idea have you had them in relationships or i've floated them in past relationships well it's been floated in past relationships it got floated to me by a girl and i didn't realize that how eagerly and aggressively yes and yes no like that and it was i walked into a trap it was set up to see that she wanted to see that knee jerk reaction and it confirmed all the things she believed and it ended the relationship and in a matter of days oh my god you fell for the like the cop being like so you've been drinking tonight yeah well just a couple officer you literally like just five yeah yeah like it was that was a long time ago it was like hey like you know you go on the road i know there's other women like you can't have sex but you can get blowjobs i was like oh great that's that really great and she was like no the answer is supposed to be no and you know what this isn't working out good for her i'm on her side yeah um i mean that would be pretty sweet if a wife was okay with that but 90 actually 100 of them are not okay yeah yeah yeah chris just did it to himself right no woman even asked him he felt you fell for it yourself yeah you just said oh that was dumb in the past and then you're like now listen if somebody let me do that i'll be yeah i'll do it yeah yeah i mean you know but that's why that auto blow machine is huck 27 chrissy cuck 2027 that's what you need that's the vision board that's what you need to get cheated on yeah it's coming let's flip the paradigm yeah yeah yeah and that's when you'll be free free because i also think part of cheating that much is kind of an insecurity of wanting to have kind of right the upper hand when you're sort of you don't really believe in yourself at the very very core of yeah of things but anyway that's more that's more armchair armchair speculation i like but that's why we're here that's why we're here this is this is none of this is legal you don't i'm not you can't fucking sue me for shit this is all entertainment that's what it is um so yeah dude i think i would say you're just not capable i can hear the how eager you are in your voice this loyalty issue i need to know more about yeah but my main question is do you think you could handle it on multiple levels a do you think you convince her that's a hard but no she brought it up maybe right so i will actually give you you might be able to convince her right b think about this man think about this actual experience i would say i know i know uh uncle stav on netflix is coming out in september but why don't you check out live at the lodge room where my final joke was about the first time i had a threesome and my dick could not get hard i was so overwhelmed right yeah yeah i've been there exactly that's what i'm saying it's like it's like it's like look we all want to play a lot of people say i want to be in the finals i want to play in the playoffs those bright lights say it a lot of people shrink yeah do it do you think you have it in you to two girls nice and that's my nickname in back in queens is because there was this big tournament this big three on three tournament called the tommy ashton tournament at at saint sebastian's in woodside and you would play on the side courts like it was a big tournament and then if you got the championship you played on the main court in front of everyone and i was lights out on the side court we would every year make the championship and then my knees would buckle and i would be awful so my name to my friends is chrissy side courts it's chrissy they call me that because i again and bringing up to the beginning of our conversation i'm not the guy that wants the arena or my dick will get soft in the beginning of threesome so right understand like this american dream is not it you don't you don't have to go you don't have to eat at all yes take little bites totally so the threesome might be i can already i can also hear in his voice like he's not a threesome guy if you're calling into the show to get advice on it you're not that dude you're not that dude that's actually that's a really good point yeah the guy who's who's ready for this does not need my advice no you have a threesome so but i would just say that's what i would that's the worksheet you have to do right is can you convince her if you got it do you think you do a good job and enjoy yourself do you think your relationship could survive it yeah if you're not sure about any part of that don't do it don't do it especially that's all i can tell you with this general information yeah and without you telling us what the loyalty is because what's going to happen dude is is you're going to first of all if this girl you're in the relationship with this girl and then you winds up being a threesome with another chick you're going to come in three pumps with the other chick and then your current girlfriend is going to be like what the was that because it's new and you're just going to you know a lot of ways this could go back it's just got mostly downsides yeah yeah look using occam's razor racer i would say without question the occam's razor would say don't do this but look you got to be a dreamer sometimes 100 and i'm not if you think you can pull it off i'm not going to tell you not to swing dream to imagine do it a classic that's a refrain in my life and i will also say and actually here's a fourth thing to say let's okay for this can i pull this piece from off rubric those three are if you want this relationship to last yeah now let's say this woman cheated on you and you're still resentful on some level and you're like i just want to reason this isn't going to last yeah i'm not going to on the record tell you to do that right but if that's what you have to make this decision in your heart and i would also say look maybe it is a maybe it is a casual relationship and you're both in it for something for fun yeah who knows who gives a but do the root do the worksheet fill out the worksheet we just gave you and you have to make the decision for yourself my friend go hard or go home what else we got old what's up daddy love the show i'm 38 turning 39 in september i'm currently trapped in the classic male midlife problem and i kind of need you to take it so after today i've been seeing this 41 year old woman she's supercharged successful in my like similar career path uh but she's an entrepreneur um but she's on this like warp speed timeline to have kids kind of immediately part of me likes the idea of a stable future but um three months out of the year we're going to have kids and then we're going to have an eight-year relationship that you know i don't even know if i want children um okay so we got option b i'm also talking to a 21 year old yes it's uh those are completely fun easy zero pressure and it like feels amazing uh mostly because my brain is uh fried from this baby clock pressure with option a but right your brain is right so you have to a 21 year old it's the only way out come on dude yeah and also 39 look i'm 39 i'm 29 i'm a 29-year-old it's the only way out come on dude and also 39 look i'm a 29-year-old it's the only way out come on dude and also 39 look i'm not gonna tell you how to fuck somebody much younger than you right i think age gap stuff is a little overdone right 39 and 21 like look there's a point where it's like we just have to decide these we're all adults but i do think you bump it up a couple years every the older you get right right maybe in your mid-30s 21 is something yeah 39 i would bump it up to bump it up yeah i think to me my line is kind of 24 24 yeah and it's not i just feel like that's what i'm trying to do i'm trying to do it right i'm trying to do it right i'm trying to do it right i'm trying to do it right i'm trying to do it right i'm trying to do it right where it starts i'm 37 yeah most of your movies are with 824 yeah so 824 put out yeah my mom my movies are by 824 yeah i get head from a 24 year old that's how i live my life and dude the company's happy for that they're proud of you you're a company man yeah i'm actually i signed a deal with 824 i can only get head from 24 years but anyway look i'm not gonna poo poo whatever i think the age gap shit can get overdone right but i do think there's just what are you talking about with a 21 i think a 21 year old also you said entrepreneur which yeah if i hear the term entrepreneur you're down one three pegs in my one thing that changed for me because i am a man of science is one thing that changed for me first and foremost you're a man of science 100 is that i saw this whole science thing and then looked really into it that most people's females included their brains don't fully form until they're 25 oh wow so really even at 25 should be the age now you know i did bring plenty of girls through 2021 you can't change the past but but since i found that information yeah i wouldn't touch any i wouldn't even entertain the idea if i was single which i'm not i'm in a happy loving marriage right 25 would be 25 and over i and i think yes and actually going back to ray romano i remember a joke where he had where some i think maybe it was in a later season where is he like his daughter was getting was a teenager maybe he had like a a niece or something and and and uh and they were like well you're gonna you know it's like oh come on you know uh i don't remember anyway the point i'm this makes no sense you got that brain the joke was something about i don't like that on girls under 25 either it was something about dressing slug sure and i let's i remember ray romano in in everybody else raymond making a joke about even to him as a as a married man like 25 was the cutoff and i think that's actually let's bump it up you know what sorry 824 i'm gonna i'm gonna bump my up i'm gonna i'm i'm now 825 825 yeah yeah like that's that's that feels like a good cut and that's good and i think with this guy's problem is the 21 year old is not gonna that's gonna be a nightmare the 21 year old how about let's let's let him finish because to me would kind of bothers me he's not even dating somebody younger but it's this weird juxtaposition he's done where it's like either a woman whose age appropriate or a 21 year old and it's also like the answers right there in the math just date a 30 year old and you're good right in between you're a man of science now you're a man of mathematics that's what it is let's get the mean yeah 40 plus 21 61 yeah divided by 2 30.5 that's why and then you have zero problem and then you're kind of right in the right beautifully in the zone in the goldilocks zone do we need to yes exactly exactly right now one is too hot one is too cold let's get right in the middle does he have more time we're gonna have to wait a little bit longer but we're gonna have to wait a little bit longer and we're gonna have to wait a little bit longer and we're gonna have to wait a little bit longer yeah this is not a a or b the first woman sounds great but you're not ready for that you're just not ready for that you're you're probably you're kind of immature yeah and also you just got out of the relationship right you can't you can't also be banging a girl where there's a more than 50 chance you're the same age as her father that's also you're right holy right because many people are kids at 18 19 years old so i'm just saying it's still probably there's it's a higher chance than normal you're right you're right you're right you're right you're you know you're right 20 it should be 25 25 and up and then 15 is the age gap that should be the yeah when can you not be her dad right exactly yeah start doing that yeah because 16 i feel like 16 is when all the teen pregnancies yeah so start so okay we're doing a lot of science here see but but yes dude look i don't understand why you've you've i think you've made two mistakes one is getting into a starting to date someone who could be a real partner for you you were in a different place in your life and look also that's a bit of a cop-out if you really wanted to be with her like the idea that you're out of an eight-year relationship and you're not ready for something serious other people might say like hey because you're not fucking young either right like i've been thinking this where everybody around me is having kids and i'm like if i i gotta if it's gonna happen it's gotta happen soon right right and so uh for you it's not her she's not being out of line wanting to have kids with you she's 41 you're 39 you have more in common you're in the same field you're in the same field you're in the same field like that makes sense you're clearly not ready for that for a combination of reasons right let's not even get into it maybe you're immature maybe you really are you know that breakup is still fresh whatever that's fine you're all you've that's a mistake getting in that relationship it was a mistake to i'm not when i even tell you don't have a reckless rebound have it with a 25 year old but probably take a second yeah he said like sit in a dark room somewhere yeah dude maybe take i'm thinking about going vol cell for the rest of my life the fall yeah not fully maybe a couple weeks yeah i don't know a little bit give me two weeks whatever whatever i'm thinking about just spending a moment for like just not worrying about this whatever maybe you need to do that my friend take a second and then when you're done when the fog of war has lifted sure then go date a 30.5 year old right 30.5 and then also too it's not fair to the 41 year old who's kind of saying that she kind of wants kids and she you know her biological clock is ticking when you're out there banging a fucking you know student yeah that's yes right professor and her fucking student yeah yeah yeah um and that's the other thing you clearly don't care about the 41 year old because you are seeing someone you know that you see as a fling so anyway next question elvis what's going on fellas i'm in a kind of a weird situation in my life um so i have a niece and she just turned 30 the other week and so me and her going on like a little uncle that's cute date or whatever and it's my first time that i'm gonna be like out and about just alone with her like without my sister and my brother-in-law and all that and my girlfriend brought up this thing to me and she was like well what are you gonna have to like what are you gonna do when she has to go to the bathroom and i was like i don't know just let her go to the bathroom apparently you can't let them go to the bathroom by themselves wait how old is she and like i don't know i don't feel very comfortable walking into a woman's bathroom with a child that is not mine i am her uncle but like i don't know what do you do you bring it just seems like a very weird situation of course what the fuck you're talking about yeah i'm good to be in here i got a fucking baby yeah she ain't my kid she ain't my kid so hey if you want me to look at your pussy i will but i'm just here for the kid who's not mine by the way yeah no you bring her into the boys men's room the fact that you're even that this is confusing to you this is okay people have joked a lot like these people call people call in for this but this is this makes me feel a little it actually makes me want to as a father somehow get in touch with your sister and brother-in-law and send them this and say don't let your daughter leave with this kid yeah because he doesn't even know he doesn't even have a bathroom plan he doesn't yeah i got news for you she's gonna have to piss 100 and you better know if you've never done this before you better know which way to wipe yeah front to back or back to front because one of them gives an infection and one of them doesn't and i'm not going to tell you the answer what else what else you got to say i am her uncle but like i don't know it just seems like a very weird situation and i feel like you guys would have like some some takes and some advice there's no i don't know what i'm gonna do it's a baby that has to i might just have to bring my girlfriend with me but yeah i don't know is that not weird i feel like that's a little weird but anyways thank you boys elvis stavros take care yeah i think bring your girlfriend anyway can i ask what's weird you're taking care of your baby niece like yeah you do like okay you're you think this is weird because you're pretending she's a fucking grown-up yeah he's a child what like if she shits her pants when she's seven which might happen sure is that is it weird to change her no dude no fucking little kid we i do think there's something weird going on where i don't know man all the like all the like uh like a lot of people have like and obviously we're ruled by pedophiles clearly and they should all be in jail whatever but this guy's like it seems like he's he's afraid to be thought of as a creep right that's that's my that's what i'm reading that's the sort of like uh you know yeah there's nothing creepy about that it's a family member yeah what i'm i think the thing to say is like that's insane to think that right this is a child this is a baby that is under your care yet if if she was a grown adult it would be weird to take her to the bathroom it would be weird to change her is it weird to change a baby's diapers right like why why do you think just because she that she like would you let her drive a car yeah like i don't understand what you're talking about it's like what are you gonna do he thinks he's either baby or adult and it's like dude these are children yeah and also too i am thankful that you called in because if you would have walked into the woman's bathroom yeah with that child you'd be on the news you obviously you have to go into the male bathroom and if you really feel uncomfortable about this just have her shit in a plastic bag behind the venue yeah go go go fucking uh chinese immigrant style yeah just have her squat on the sidewalk yeah that was i loved seeing that in china you'll still catch that in chinatown sometimes malin had a great story about seeing a woman pull a turd out of her baby son's ass oh yeah just on the street yeah you know what i mean that's how they roll um but anyway dude yeah don't you're looking after a child like have you never like changed her diaper i guess he probably hasn't but like you know yeah dude this is part of being an uncle yeah it's no big deal i'll play devil's advocate a little bit for this guy i took my like niece to karate once and she had to like pee during it i was like oh okay cool and i was like you know i've never really thought about this once how much does she know in terms of like how to clean herself up and wipe or whatever and i was like okay i wasn't in there i kind of like supervised i helped her out i got her right but my point is how old but hold on your niece was already a fucking karate she was she went like hilariously young oh really they just like put her in she was just like three years old yeah she did yeah she's in there with a pacifier okay yeah yeah yeah rolling people that's really funny all right all right all right all right all right all right all right but maybe we're a little unfair there is something to you know it's good he's at least thinking about this so now he can like have a plan and the plan is really like okay imagine you were a fucking three-year-old baby who doesn't know jack shit how would you like the the adult who's your custodian for the day to fucking treat you you'd want them to fucking make sure you're cleaned up after you take a piss and all that so yeah i don't know just think like that and totally and look i also get you're very first knee-jerk reaction being like that's fucking weird or like because it is in terms of a day with your three-year-old niece or nephew having to fucking supervise baby genitalia right is the part of it sure eating ice cream and swinging them on the swing that's a lot better i of course and i i get having a knee-jerk reaction that's like oh that's gonna be annoying and sure it's the most annoying part but it's not something you should feel uncomfortable is just caring for a child yeah i think i think that and yeah if you need to take your girlfriend that's fine but i would also say like you should be you know this is being an uncle is sort of like you get to barely barely scratch the surface of what a parent goes through you get to just observe more than anything so yeah this is see this also so this is big growth for you this is a preparation for you maybe one day having a kid you know yeah but if you bring your girlfriend have your girlfriend go into the bathroom with her that's the best move yeah if they're close she likes her she trusts her i mean she might even be more comfortable with your girlfriend yeah who knows uh but yeah don't feel weirded out about this it's just uh uh you know uh caring for a child bobby baby the community uh realized listening to the show has been a theme of a lot of ass related questions so i figured i'd finally call and ask my ass related questions okay uh lifelong passionate heterosexual ass eater here i've been with my wife a long time okay i like where this is going from the moment we first started getting sexual i've always eaten her ass you know i'm just in general been a fan of it she's got a big rap video ass on her it's pretty spectacular that's awesome um lately uh you know just kind of you know laying in bed or whatever and i'll just be kind of grabbing her butt like we're snuggling or something like that awesome dude that's and she stops me and she goes like you know i'm you know i play with my ass a lot and stuff like that's fine but why do you have to go like in between the cheeks like can it just stop with just the ass and i was kind of just taken aback and that's heartbreaking but like i'm kind of starting to wonder if she thinks that it has something to do with like shit or scat or something like that what um and it could not be further from the truth um you you think you're trying to explain or it's like look people your wife finally expresses a preference she's been having for a long time and she's been having a lot of trouble with probably been slightly uncomfortable about for your entire relationship and you're like she thinks i want to eat her shit no she might just not like getting her ass eaten it's like why do you immediately think she thinks you want to eat shit i don't i really i do not think actually you do want to eat yeah actually you know maybe you yeah he's like no further nothing could be further from the truth as he just has a pile of shit put a freshly baked waffle cone under her ass as she shits swirl it around and take a big lick on a hot summer day ew that's gross to me let him finish i suppose like nor is like look people who eat pussy aren't fantasizing about piss people who eat ass fantasizing about shit but you know there's a different piss hole in the pussy right yeah i don't think he does he actually definitely does it yeah you don't also you you associate pussy with piss i've never thought about when i'm eating a pussy thinking about this piss here interesting i like this guy been kind of uh alarming to kind of hear that she kind of just sounds like she's just put up with me doing this for all these years and kind of like a staple item for me right that's tough so i guess the question would just be how do i convince her if there's nothing gross or weird about it is there still a stigma around eating ass this is not about she's she's not taken aback by this this isn't new to her right she's just fine like dude i don't understand why he thinks she's like recently read literature about ass eating right clearly yes you're clear all this is is that she has she's just not that into getting her ass eaten right so let's get back to occam's razor yes you know what i mean occam's razor maybe she doesn't want to use occam's razor to shave her asshole that's what it is maybe she wants yeah maybe she just doesn't want you to eat her ass maybe she just wants you to play with her jiggle her ass maybe take a fucking little bite give it a smooch whatever you want to do but she's just not that into getting her ass eaten whatever she doesn't want you getting in the hole i don't think it's anything crazy i don't think you know and yes this i get why he's devastated sure but you should you shouldn't be confused or trying uh like you know be like ma i'm not trying to eat your shit i think if you said that there she'd be like what the fuck are you talking about this is tough though i get it like if taco bell took the crunch wrap supreme off the menu yeah i'd be sad be sad this woman's about to take yeah seating off the menu potential yeah and i or she might make it a seasonal item right you know maybe now ass eating used to be the big mac for you now it's the mcrib right right you get it twice a year when pork prices fall and listen i know initially it coming off the menu and only and going back to seasonal for you might initially seem like this is upsetting i can't do this i need to eat her ass every day but think about this if she pulls that back and you can only eat it four times a year the chances of her one of those four times letting you eat her shit goes up right which is what you want to do what you want to do it's so close you want to eat her shit yeah yeah so think about it that way think about it that way um and look i will say this again this is just she has just communicated with you this is her way of indirect slightly indirectly being like you know what what what is this about why do you like eating my ass so much and and the implication is she doesn't like it that much and i think all from now the thing you you discuss now you negotiate something that works for both of you right right now you're like all right do you actively dislike it like i have dated girls who like i don't want my pussy and i'm like can't i just it's kind of part of my warm-up yeah i mean it's kind of part of my whole thing it's like lebron has to get to the arena four hours early if you don't let him get he has to get a pre-game pump on yes if you don't let lebron lift his weights and throw his chalk up in the air he doesn't want to get right to the game and look for me i want to take a couple little every once in a while not every time but you can't not let me eat pussy ever yeah yeah yeah i can't live like that right i can't and i also the opposite is happening where someone's like look i don't i'm not really into sucking dick and i was like that's gonna be a really big problem around here yeah yeah like we're gonna have to negotiate a settlement where we can both live with things so you need to be like look do you hate this does it make you feel like a piece of shit because if you hate it i'll never we don't have to do it but if it's something you tolerate i can do it less and let's come to a number that feels right or gent you know natural you'll find a rhythm where it's like you throw it in once a month you throw it in twice a month whatever yeah we can go i don't have to eat your ass after every meal like what was previously but let what we can't just go to zero yeah yeah exactly i that's all this is i don't think i think you have the conversation and the the logical follow-up is hey hey i just like it you you all you and you were you were taken aback so you couldn't communicate and i get that right like um the best time to have a conversation is like in the moment but that can be hard those are emotional sure not just sexual stuff like you know real arguments when you have a problem when you've been offended when someone's pissed you off but you're you you know it's natural to not it's actually like a hard thing to be the kind of person who just says what they feel immediately even in adverse situations yeah you were caught off guard you were you didn't you didn't you weren't ready to defend your love of ass eating but this is your wife this is the woman you love you can now bring this up and say hey i was thinking about the conversation we had i just fucking i just think you're i love your ass i love your ass like it if you don't if you don't like it i thought you like i just assumed you really liked this because i do it every time yeah we can dial it back i if if you don't mind i'd like to keep it in the mix though sure i'd like to make it i'd like to maybe drop down like we said from an everyday item to a seasonal item but that's all dude that's the conversation you need to have yeah and then you look she might be like oh okay well no keep doing it that's fine you know it's not my favorite thing but i don't mind like who knows but again like every like most fucking calls here communication is key baby that's what it is that's all you got to do you got to figure it out with your with your was that a sulfur burp no no that was just a that was just a uh just regular heartburn i think oh nice yeah that was that was just a that was just a pending heart attack that was yeah you guys smell toast hell just turn the toaster off come on yeah i start speaking hi she's fine she's just speaking german i've never spoken my arm starts going up yeah yeah yeah convulsing anyway i'm not having a stroke i don't have sulfur burps i'm gonna live till at least 62 great uh next question a little l dunce based off an esteemed guest come and ask me a question i'm gonna ask you a question i'm gonna ask you a question i'm gonna ask you a question a close friend question uh my buddy your buddy we have a weekly movie night on friday nights love with a rotating pick between me him and my girlfriend who i've been with for about five years um let me guess recently girlfriend he has started inviting the girls that he has been dating for - Two, three weeks. - Right. - Dude, shut the fuck up. - And they have been cycled Every night is not. Anyway, let me let him finish before I jump down his throat. And they have been cycled through. And my girlfriend is uncomfortable with new women consistently coming around. Okay, that's fair. Would I be a dickhead for telling him that I want him to date the women that he brings to my house for more than a month before he brings them here? Thank you. Okay, this is interesting. My initial knee-jerk reaction was to be like, dude, shut the fuck up. Watching fucking Dario Argento movies with your fucking girlfriend and some guy and your best friend and the girl he's banging every once in a while. This is not Thanksgiving with your grandmother. But if he's doing. If every two weeks there's a different girl, that would annoy me. And especially because it's. Actually, we kind of have a perfect analog here, Eldest, which is like you and your wife. If I came. If we were watching a movie. Look, if I brought a girl that I was casually dating every once in a while, no one would bat an eyelash. But if every week we had a tradition and it's the only time. And look, as you become adults, you don't really see your friends that much. It's the only time you get. It's the only time you get to kind of chill. If every time our anchor for connection, my girlfriend has to be like, so what do you do for work? Like, you're kind of forcing. If I was forcing Eldest's wife to make stilted small talk with a woman, you know, an insane woman from Instagram. With some whore from Raya. These are beautiful women. If I did it all the time, that's weird. So I don't think you're a dick. Kid, but this is an interesting. Again, I keep saying needle thread, but this is an interesting situation where it's like. Look, but I also don't think. You know, if you did it every once in a while, I would say relax. But the fact that it's every couple of weeks is weird. That and also too, the one thing you said is that your wife or girlfriend or whatever is the one with the problem with it. For me then, you have no choice. If your girlfriend was cool with it, who cares? Right. But because she's not, you got like. I have a friend who frequents prostitutes. And we've met and he's. But he like goes escort and he. A friend. Yes, yes, yes. Looking in the mirror. And he brings these girls around. Like he pays to like hang out with them. Like he's one of those guys. And we've met them, a couple of different girls. Whatever, it's always fun. Hold on. What do you mean we? Me and my wife, Jasmine. Because we hang out with this guy a lot. But she had to tell him, hey, listen. You know, obviously you've been invited to our wedding. You cannot bring an escort. Just don't. Yeah. And he was kind of like, well, then I guess I'll just come. Solo. Because that's just how he is. You know? And look, yeah, that's a very fascinating relationship. And I want to, by the way, give a shout out to that friend. You know who you are. You just made lieutenant at the NYPD. So congrats. So it's foolproof for him because he knows where all the stings are. And that's the best part about cops. How they equally follow the law. Yeah. And don't take advantage of their position ever at all. That's fucking insane. And look, and I'm pro sex work, whatever. But it is, I just find that an odd relation. It's an odd thing to do. I don't love that. Yeah. To bring, to like, and look, I'll be honest. You want to, if you're, if it's like a party, if it's like a bar, whatever. But like. My home. Wholesome. And again, no disrespect to, I would, it's almost like bring a sex worker off duty to your home. No problem. Yeah. I just don't want her working at brunch. Right. Like that's, that just feels like an odd energetic mix. Well, and this guy too, like if this guy's, he's always got new girls. It's like, you also don't know who you're bringing into your home. It's like some random stranger that. But I got to say, gotta be nice for her. Oh yeah. She's like, oh, I get ex-Benedict instead of sucking this Lieutenant's dick. Yeah. Instead of sucking his fucking, probably like a peptide injected cock. Oh yeah. Dude, he's the king. It's probably hot dog red from his fucking off-brand TRT. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That he shipped to him. But he's the, he's the guy where I get the peptides from. He gets them straight out of the East River. They intercept them from the Chinese government. Yeah. He's like, Chrissy, we just brought you here. We just busted another shipping container. Peptides on me another year. That's what it is. Yeah. I mean, look, I think, yeah, you're not, I don't think you're in the wrong at all here. I think like, and look, it's, again, it's different how old they are. If this is college, who gives a fuck? Right. But again, as you get older, you don't get to see your friends as much. I agree with you. You don't have community in our fucking, everything in America is so atomized, especially if you live in the burbs, you don't live in like a walkable city. It's a real effort to have a weekly appointment. It's a real appointment with your friend. 100%. And it's, by the way, that's cool. I think more people should do that. I'm really excited for when I get set up and I'm off the road. I want to have like a weekly, I want to have fucking like in this office, I want to have like, you know, brunch. I want to have parties. I want to actually get to see my friends and hang out. And it's good that you're doing that. But no, I don't think you're in the wrong at all to be like, hey man, I barely get to see you. And really, like you said, it's his girl. Your girl has the problem. And you're like, can we just, can this just be us or, or we're happy to, we want to meet the girl. You're like, if I brought, I think your wife would be thrilled if I finally had a girlfriend. Yeah. Right. Like if she, if she could actually make friends with someone I loved and respected, I think she would really like that. Yeah. And I'm sure this guy, cause you know, they're friends. Like he, you don't, you don't third wheel a weekly appointment without actually being friends with a girlfriend as well. Sure. Like clearly all three of you have a good friendship, you know, whatever. And I'm sure she would be pumped if he had a serious girlfriend and you could just be like, look, dude. We, this is the only time we get to see you. We spent half the time fucking asking this girl, essentially you make my girlfriend go on a first date with a girl. Every week. You don't even know. Can we just institute a one month dating rule? Yeah. And that's, and by the way, that's even lax. Right. Like, you know what I'm saying? Like one month isn't that crazy, you know? Yeah. So I don't think you're in the wrong here at all. And I think like, you know, it's an interesting one cause I would, I would be curious to see how he reacts. Cause this guy might just be seeing this as like, nice, I don't have to spend money on dating these fucking bitches. He might be like, great, I don't have to pay for a date. They think it's more serious cause I'm introducing them to their friends, but really I just want them to drink your sodas and popcorn. Like he could be kind of scumbagging this. Yeah. Cause also I'll say, I would find it weird to do this as somebody who's not. I don't think I would. You know, like I would not behave this way. It's very strange. Even in my single days when I was an absolute idiot, I don't think I would do this. Yeah. Yeah. No, I agree. So yeah, you're totally, you're totally in the, you have no, I see no problem in having this conversation with them and I would frame it as like, look, dude, we make an effort to stay in each other's lives and we have to use half of that time. Yeah. And these girls better have been showing up with fucking snacks and charcuterie boards and something. No, but I don't even expect them to do that. That's expecting them to do too much. They don't even fucking know this guy. Yeah. They're probably weird. That's also probably why you have a new girlfriend every three weeks. Cause after you keep taking them to like your friend's wife's house to watch movies, they're like, I don't like this guy. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's the thing. He's not doing like his due diligence to date and get pussy. No, it's like, yeah, you can't just outsource the social life. To me, this, that's what this feels like to me. It is. He's just like, great. I don't have to make reservations. We're going to Frank's house and watching fucking real world. Yeah. I don't love it. We got some, where are we at here? We got something fun for us to go out on, Elders? Yeah. Let's, uh, and Chrissy, in the meantime, we should, we'll put, you know, we should say Chrissy chaos. Come on. Patreon.com slash history hyenas. Chrissy. Comedy.com. Got standup dates. Go check them out. See if I'm coming to your city. Summer bears, uh, two, maybe next summer. Probably next summer. Three summers from now. Yeah. Who knows? We'll see. We should just syndicate that right onto our channel here. Start doing it out of this studio. Honestly, yeah. If Bert has another stroke, we're in. Yeah. I did not even know he had a fucking stroke. I heard he had a stroke. It might not have been true. Yeah. Maybe. You, you catch up with your friends the same way you do research about peptides. Yeah. Yeah. You saw. On Instagram real. You saw some comedy drama channels. Yeah. And fat. You're like, oh, I must've had a. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Crack. Amico said he had a stroke. Uh, yeah. Give us something fun here to go out on big eld. Hey, stuff. Hey, Elvis. Hi, esteemed guest. This is just a response to a caller on the Carl Tartt episode. Um, it was the guy with the huge cock and the only fans girlfriend. Um, right. That, you know, his cock's so big, she has to get the IUD taken out. Right. The guy who told us. He's having trouble with. For no reason. He told us. Um, coming up with birth control ideas. I just want to say as a 28 year old man who has gotten a vasectomy myself, best experience in my life. That's early. Not only did my doctor prescribe me a, uh, oh, I got the single Xanax to pop on my way in, but during the procedure, I got to huff nitrous the entire time and laughed the entire 15 minutes. Laughing while someone slices your cock is that's, I mean, that's the Joker. You're literally the Heath Ledger Joker. Yeah. Someone's got to see it. Someone's fucking butterflying your dick down the center. Like it's fucking chicken cordon bleu and you're fucking. That's so fucking funny. So he's a 28 year old that got his shit snipped, huh? That's even earlier than Ari. Respect. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Totally. Ari, it should have been in the womb. Yeah. They should have fucking. So highly recommend the vasectomy, the recovery, one week tops, three out of 10 pain. Interesting. 10 out of 10 recommend. Okay. Let's crowdfund this guy's vasectomy. I like that idea. I think if I were ever to have children or decide I didn't. don't want children i would definitely get a vasectomy yeah i mean i have you have you pretty much i mean i have two biological and a stepson so three kids that i'm raising and everybody i know everybody i know who's my who's my situation has two or more kids like why would you get a vasectomy but i just feel like it takes something from my manhood i don't know what i want i don't know why i know it's ridiculous stupid i know and i don't i don't want to get an italian ridgewood remember you're not you're not an italian ridgewood you're a german who likes fucking muna who likes yeah who wants to go colonial williamsburg right that's not a challenge to your manhood you fucking idiot i know a procedure that makes it so you won't have a fourth kid i know and it's already and then by the way the next time you move you'll have to look for seven bedrooms right yeah yeah when you move in six months you want to look for another nursery i know and it's also like i've already upset my german ancestors by having children outside of the gene pool right so it's like what i'm just going to continue to do that so of course my german ancestors would want me to get a vasectomy they would want you to say stop that's true yeah you haven't done right yeah yeah yeah yeah no but they would be like look send some of your jizz over to dusseldorf yeah and give it to a blonde haired blue eye lady that's what we want snip your shit up everybody who i know who has gotten a vasectomy says it's painless and he says actually part of the rehab is you have to clear the chamber so the doctors encourage you to jerk off that you have to jerk off i think it's something like 10 times in three days you have to go you have to like you have to go middle school mode yes you have to and it's like literally like get an fhm magazine yeah alissa milano on the cover but it's like two days of like you have to call up from work and like tell your wife and family like i'm in the basement jerking sorry prescribed jerking my shit yeah my doctor said i must beat my shit well uh that's interesting and that's that's good advice elders would you ever get one you also probably think it takes your manhood away don't you yeah i can't give up my fucking vitality yeah my albanian my albanian goo i'll be less than the man if i do that yeah yeah yeah yeah you'll basically be a yeah um all right interesting well that's good advice that's our callers even end with advice chrissy thank you so much for being here thanks baby to see you uh check out chris watch tony if you're in new york or la this week watch tires next week and it's on september 8th this is the big one please please watch uncle stav i worked really hard on it directed by matt johnson we're working against a really cool a really cool band to do the music we're almost we've almost finalized the deal for that so i'm really really proud of it and i will say i'm proud of the hour i worked really hard on it and i also i'm proud of we're doing some creative stuff i mean when you get matt johnson he's a fucking i would never like i would never tell this to his face i would never compliment to his face he is a visionary in many ways he's so creative and his boy his editors are the best have you have you seen nirvana the band the show no but jasmine was watching it on a flight to ireland and dying laughing it's so fucking funny it's also such an incredible like technical achievement how those guys edited out to jared the dp on the on the on the special their whole team the guys who did that and they edited uh tony too current bobby so good i fucking so i i mean i can't say enough so if it's if it it'll pop up on netflix soon as like remind me please do that whatever you can tell all your friends this is the fucking thing i've worked the hardest on and when i'm done this i will not ask you for anything for a year at least i'm not going on tour i'm not promoting i will be begging you to watch this special from now until the end of september so just get ready i will be shilling non-stop um but anyway a lot of stuff going on here but lots of opportunities to see me i'm in i'm in the cineplex i'm on netflix i'm on a sitcom i'm doing it all and after that i'm i'm gonna disappear once and for a lot of people say this oh oh let me guess you're gonna lose weight fuck you yes i am this time man yeah i have to i'm gonna fucking die i won't be able to walk if i don't lose weight i can't keep getting cortisone shots to do stand up you know pathetic that is anyway before i spiral completely i started plugging things and i was and then i just started losing my mind in there yeah check out chris check out my shit and uh we'll see you soon