#189 - Johnny Pemberton

Opa! Welcome everybody to Stavis World. 904-800-STOP. Call the Stavis World hotline presented by Visible and we'll solve all your problems. We're here on a beautiful, beautiful summer day in Manhattan and we've got first-timer Johnny Pemberton on the couch. What's up, Johnny? Hey, I'm first-timer. First-timer Johnny Pemberton's on the couch. Long-time timer, first-time dipper. We love when you dip for the first time. Oof, nothing beats the first dip. And people don't know, but we do have a Home Depot bucket full of nacho cheese you have to dip your nuts into before you do the podcast. Before? But haven't we already started? Wait, you haven't dipped? You didn't dip your nuts in the nacho cheese bucket? Oh, I did it, but I didn't. You just did it for fun. You didn't know that was a part of it. I did it for me, but now that I know it's okay, it's like, okay, I thought I was fucking with you by doing that. No, no, no. I would have been pissed if you didn't dip your nuts in it. I was going to show you my orange nuts after the end of the podcast. I'm going to show you that I have, like. Look what I did. I did it in the cheese. And you would have showed us, and we were like, yeah, I mean, that's what you do. I would have been very disappointed. That's all right. I'm glad we got that out of, you know, we got that. So he has dipped his nuts in the nacho cheese Home Depot bucket, and don't bring a Lowe's bucket. Don't do it. I don't know what that is. Isn't that a casino? Lowe's is. It's a casino, right? You know what? I guess there's Lowe's that it's a movie. Well, the one I'm thinking of is a competitor Home Depot. It's a big box. There's a hotel. There's a. Maybe there's a casino. And there is. That's a type of movie theater, isn't it? I think so. The Lowe's Theater. Maybe it was. Elders? I feel like all theaters are done now. A little producing for fuck's sake, you motherfucker. Fresh off this. This guy just got back from a vacation. Where'd you vacay? It doesn't count as a vacation if you have to go for a wedding. No, no, no. It counts when you completely ruin our schedule. I was on a movie for a month. Did he go then? No. He went when I was. The wedding was locked, man. Yeah. You can't decide when this was. Oh, really? He is. Did you go on a. When was the wedding? Before? Was the wedding. Did the wedding just happen? Or did the wedding happen at the beginning of the trip? It was this weekend. You guys want me to leave? You want like. No, Johnny, stay. Adjudicate this. I've got other cheese out there. I've got a fresh coffee. I'm good. We do have a nice snack set up. Okay, we've been bragging about being in a new studio, but nothing has changed visually to the listener? Yeah, to me, I don't know. It looks like. There will be changes at some point, but the outside, every room outside of this is nice. We got. The snacks are pretty nice out there. It's nice and cool, too. Nice and cool. Some places are hot, and you're like. Well, we're working. We are working on that. When's our AC renovation happening, Elders? Do you know? I'm waiting for a response still from this woman. But it is cool. It is very cool. But I'm chipping away. Outside is nice and cold. In here, we still need to get a little frigid. You're not a fat guy. That's the thing. You're a slight man. Yeah, I'm pretty. I have, like. If I took my shirt off, you'd be a little disappointed. No, I'm not saying you're hot. I'm just saying you're not fat. I wasn't taking that. I did not think that. Believe me. I wasn't confused about that at all. Right, right. I can see you got some little titties, probably. You know what I mean? Maybe a little paunch. Nothing wrong with that. A little paunch. A little paunch. A little paunch. But the paunch, I don't mind having a little paunch on. No, no, no. Remember that dad bod shit they were trying to sell us years ago? Of course. I feel like that's like a psy-op. I think the. The thing, you know, I. As somebody who. I think the dad bod thing was purely just another. It's just repackaging of how much easier it is to be a man. Oh, yeah. Oh, my God, yes. Like, every 30 years, there's a whole thing of, like. It's like. You know. Now, I do think there's a little bit to it, because you see all these, like, looks-maxing guys, or you see, like, a really jacked guy. And women straight up don't want to really fuck those guys. Some women do. I don't think anybody wants to even be near those guys. They're scary. Gay guys want to fuck them. Yeah. But even then, it's like. They do. That's, like, part of the trade. For sure. They're, like, just in and out. Yeah. They're not living with. No one's living with clovicular. Ooh. I bet. You know, I bet Peter Thiel would love to have him chained up. Yeah. And, like, you know, have him in the twink cage. Have, like, a fucking orangutan in there that he just fights occasionally. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, rips off a cheek. Yeah, absolutely. I bet you that would be, like, a nice coup, because I'm assuming Peter Thiel's, like, twinks are now anonymous, that he can throw off a balcony whenever he wants. It would make. I wonder if it's a little more juice if you get a famous sex slave you try and groom. Johnny, look, we just talked about it. You got the little teeth. You're not his guy. I'm twink. I'm almost aging out of the twink thing. I mean, I think I have aged out of it. Yeah, yeah. But that was the thing. I learned about that in L.A. when I first. Ooh. My first job, like, maybe the first few weeks I was there, there was a guy who worked there. He was a gay man. Mm-hmm. And he said that word to me, and I was like, what's a twink? Yeah. And I was like. You found out the hard way. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. I have currency. Yeah. I have fucking. I've got some leverage on this guy. Yeah, yeah. When you first moved? Yeah. When you first moved to L.A.? Yeah, because I looked like, I mean, I looked like I was someone's. This is what, 40, 50 years ago now? Yeah, this is about. This is 1974, and it was right when. It was right when Daryl Zanuck had just died, and they were restructuring the department, and they needed someone to come in and, you know, find a way to make these movies. These talkies, they just weren't working. Right, right, right. So, yeah, we're talking, what? You moved to L.A. probably, what? Like, what are we talking? 2006? 2005? Oh, okay, okay. So, a smooth 20 years ago. Yeah, 20 years ago. It's so weird to say that word. I know. Because now when I talk about stuff, like, I used to have, like, a reference, like, oh, this was 10 years ago, and now I'm just. I say, oh, that was a long time ago. Right. Because I don't even know, because also the pandemic just soaked up all that time. Of course. Where. Was it three years? Was it, you know, you didn't see somebody for maybe four or five years, and the next thing you know, you're like, oh, I don't. Oh, they're married. That's the thing. Shit did get really crazy, because it didn't feel. In some ways, with certain people, it's like you didn't miss a beat. Everything's exactly the same. Maybe they have a different haircut. For example, I did grow. The pandemic is the reason I grew my hair out, which, thank God. And I think we can all agree it was worth it, because I never would have the courage to try bald, long hair. That's a courage thing? Yeah, yeah, yeah, courage, dude. But, I mean, you have a lot of predecessors I'm lying-hearted. You got Stephen Wright. Sure. Who else? The guy, that guy who's really tall, who talks like this in movies, you know, they're really. He's like a character actor. He looks scary. I'm not. I'm not getting somebody right now. I don't know. It did feel like you were just saying Stephen Wright again, until you said tall. It's honestly. He's like a really big guy. This is one of those things where, you know, 45 minutes later, you know, he. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. He was in one of the Bond movies. He was wearing a. He was wearing a blue shirt in something. You know, he had that line where he'd say, doobie-doobie, but it was different. It was like a sound, but he was really scary to. What's her name? Not Diane Keaton, but she looks like Diane Keaton. She's still alive. I think it's. Not Diane Lane. Is she still alive? She is. She's beautiful, by the way. She's beautiful. And then, let's not forget the movie where she cucks. Are you serious? Richard Gere. Isn't that Diane Lane? I don't know. What movie is that? Right? Eldest. That feels like an eldest classic. You love movies for women. What is it called? Unfaithful or something? Unfaithful, yeah, yeah, yeah. Ooh, I don't even know about this. That's a good one. Richard Gere gets cucked. That movie's awesome. Richard Gere gets cucked big time. I know it. That's one of those classics you find it as a teenager because a hot actress is getting fucked in it. Right. And you jack off to it when you're 14. And then you watch it and you're like, hey, this is a pretty good movie. I've never even heard of that movie. Unfaithful. It's actually good. I think it's good, yeah. It's like 70s or 80s? No, 90s and maybe even. 90s? 80s, 90s? It was 2000s, I believe. So this is not old at all. This is now like. Early 2000s. So that's, yeah, maybe that's, you know, I caught it fresh when it was on Mr. Skin, you know? Oh, right, Mr. Skin. I'm slightly younger than you, so just that little change and just that little window is enough, you know? I'm trying to remember that. When was Perfect Storm? Perfect Storm, that was in. No, that was early 2000s, too. Oh, that was 2000. Yeah. So it was after. After Perfect Storm? After Perfect Storm. That's how I asked my life. Of course, the great dividing line in Hollywood. Oh, yes, Perfect Storm. It's in pre or post The Perfect Storm. It was a bedrock moment. Oh, yeah, it's like. APS or BPS? That movie is studded. It's like got everybody in it. It's a good one. Everyone's like all these beautiful people who would never set foot. Never be boaters. in the state. Yeah. Whatever that is. Right, right, right. You never even go in that. Is it Boston or is it. I think it's some. It's gotta be Massachusetts. Some New England bullshit, yeah. God. It's all the. Even like William Fickner, like young William Fickner, that guy was hot. Yeah, yeah. He was. You know, that is. And you got to be hot in different ways. It's kind of circling back to the bald hair thing. Right. There was. Now, look, I'm not going for. Hot bald? Hot bald. I'm going for a very specific thing. But there was. I feel like in the 70s and 80s, you could be just straight up balding and be a. And that kind of goes back to the dad bod thing, right? It's like. It's just so much easier to be. Considered a sexy man compared to a woman, which is like. And I think that's what the. I do believe that is what all the dad bod shit was. And then, guys. And then this would happen where just straight up fat guys would be like, yeah, dad bods, like, guys, they're not talking about us. Yeah, that's fine. They're talking about a guy who can bench press a lot but has a layer of. A thin layer of fat over his, like, nice muscles. Talking about the dad at the baseball game who catches the ball while holding the baby and has the beard, like that shit. That's the dad bod. And you know what? I think. Dad had a lot to do with it because psychologically it's like someone who is in their child's life. A man. they can depend on yeah yeah you know what i mean who's there who's there i think it was really it's really crazy it's like i i really just want we need to figure out like a seminar or something eldest like i want to speak to incels directly oh my god because it actually is the easiest it's ever been to be a good guy it's you can stand apart so easy by just like sort of being kind just do anything just do anything one hobby one thing like you don't have to play the guitar just have to have a guitar yeah yeah yeah be a guitar collector that's something the thing is so because to me when i was you know before i got laid which was not i did not get laid in high school right like so i was an incel then you're probably a slight little boy oh it was a fucking little bird bones i was a little lady i was a little i wasn't even a lady i was like a like a girl i bet you were really a really cute child i guess so because you have like this twinkle in your eyes that does not match with your current body you have a sense of wonderment i'm done i'm done jesus christ i don't have the twinkle i just have the fucked up body i'd love i'd love to twinkle without the twink yeah the twink is dead but the twinkle's alive and well in your eyes yeah that idea it's something like that but you remember just like you try to get laid yeah like the fact they have a name for it it's like guys don't have a fucking name for it i know i know why are you telling people totally totally don't tell anybody until you get it done then you tell people hey guys i was a virgin i used to be yes that's true that is true that's that's really what you're right because when we were growing up the the the fear was being a virgin forever oh my god but once you got pussy once you're like great i'll go i'll go six years without getting pussy i'm not a virgin you know what i mean it's it's this thing of like go ahead i was saying oh yeah it's it's yeah it's just this thing of like i maybe these guys need to maybe they are virgins i don't know but either way you know well i guess it doesn't mean that right it means involuntary celibates they could have had involuntary celibacy right but it seems like once you figure out how to pick the lock once you're gonna should be yeah yeah the locks it's like it's like everything else you used to be able to buy something now everything is subscription service oh god even getting pussy it's like you have to renew every month or else you're a loser it's like that's not how it used to be man you used to be able to get four times a year and talk about it with your boys and that you know obviously it would run out of steam eventually and then you get in a relationship and you know all this kind of thing but it is i don't know i wonder anyway we got it we got to go fucking town to town barnstorming getting the incels together i would love to do that actually because i really feel like they just need to have someone like slap them in the face and just like stop just do something yeah do anything at all be nice smile take a shower what you do have you ever hey bro ever tried yeah like just try try really hard there's so many ugly dudes who like i yeah i think part of it too is like no one's rewarded with like it actually they are right in that everything in society is harder now like when you try and like everything but interpersonal relationships right like like actually even interpersonal relations because most people don't live in like cool city walkable cities where people are mingling a lot of people are in like a fucking you know in some shitty suburb where they can't right you know like you know like you know like you know like you know where they can't you know connect to people but i think like it is harder to fucking get a good job it is harder to like well yeah that's do anything and i think if you just feel like a loser in every sense you think well if i can't get these things done how am i gonna get you know affection from a woman and they've thought that it's all it's all transaction based when the reality is you have to be cool but like yeah that that's the only thing you don't need any of that shit for if you're cool like human love is like a thing even fucking cavemen were up to there's women who date like basically homeless guys yes absolutely i just he's so cool yeah yeah yeah he's so funny you know that was the thing like being being a comedian i i used to be in a band yeah that was the whole point of being in a band was like the whole point like maybe maybe just maybe the amount of effort you put into it just to maybe how and what what kind of what style band are we talking here uh for a while it was like just nirvana and smashing pumpkins lovers okay then i would play like a jazz trio for all high school and stuff but that also that gets you like you know divorcees want to want to talk to you yeah yeah yeah it definitely was not no yeah it was nothing transitioning to jazz trio in high school is a really funny move it was it was fun i loved it but it definitely was not did you keep playing music afterwards or no a little bit it's just hard to have a band because you have to like you know deal with the flakiest people on earth of course and uh i just wasn't that it was good but one of my good friends was so good he went to music school i'm like well if you don't go to music school then it just becomes a hobby yeah i still have my bass and stuff i played drums a little bit with like a band but you know it's just like you just want to do that shit to feel cool i feel like a high school kid like i tried to learn guitar couldn't do it fingers too stubby sausage fingers too fat yeah i should have gotten a little guitar like a violin like a wide violin fiddle fiddle's not bad that would probably get some yeah get some pussy i can't i can't play anything i have no musical acumen whatsoever and i wish music is so much better than comedy it's not even close it's not even fucking close it's so not even close at all it's so private like you could just you could go just into a completely different country and sell out a fucking arena that's i'm so jealous of all those guys they can all go to japan yeah you can play tons of dates in japan yeah except elvis colonel tom never let him go to fucking japan right something like yeah yeah you're the fucking colonel tom historian dude you should know who's colonel tom he's the the fat german that tom hanks played in the bosnian elvis movie i didn't see it it's pretty good is it it honestly it's elvis i can't stand elvis can't stand elvis i mean i just really can't i mean it took me yeah why where's the for elvis star just his music i feel like it feels like i don't know it's just all it's like you know that music where it's like it's like a like a 1950s nightmare or something like that where you i can't stand it that's interesting i was a big elvis as a baby i liked elvis that makes sense as like a little kid it's baby music it kind of i kind of know what you're talking about that's when the the minds of the american populace were simpler and docile you know you didn't have to think too much you knew uh president eisenhower had your back right you know and yeah did a couple did we have to round up a couple japanese americans and put him in a camp what happened but the but the president wouldn't do anything wrong no he was squeaky clean he was ike he's the president and i i don't mean that was fdr i know oh right every republican get off my dick saying oh you're socialist president put japanese shut up yeah the point stands okay shout out to fdr except for that that i don't fuck with fdr getting from many mistresses and dying in the hotbeds or the hot is that's like every president though isn't it he died at the hot springs nah just a good honestly the cool ones except clinton clinton was kind of a piece of shit but kennedy and fdr yeah kind of pretty cool do you think fdr was on lots of drugs and stuff oh that's a great question jfk was definitely on jfk was tons of speed yeah he was he was he was honestly getting some speed balls going oh my god because he had a bad back so i'm sure he had some kind of weird well bad back pain everybody who takes drugs has a bad back like didn't cobain have a bad back i don't know he had some sort of a pain thing which is like it's like the ultimate way to like oh dude i know i gotta take my medicine now yeah yeah well man my medicine i have to dude you know i threw my back out this year and it and i was just like i cannot start taking pills no because it would i know it would fuck me up instead i started doing i mean no a little bit yeah i have a cortisone shot uh in my back that's great though it is good but you can't do it forever but what i was doing as a painkiller was straight up 100 milligrams of edibles so i was like oh man i think that's anti-pain for me it were it worked but my brain was mush and i had this and even right now i'm like but i slept so i slept like 14 hours every day i can't if i take this and i cannot sleep really like weed makes me like i have to take like a sleeping pill if i have oh if you have too much really i cannot fucking sleep it's just like a little elves just marching and dancing like hey it's time for the show time for the show i'm like fucking it's three o'clock in the fucking morning is there a specific anxiety that gets to you with when you're it's not even anxiety it's just uh too much my mind is just going it's like chugging i think that's like a fundamental difference between two people is if does weed make you sleepy does weed like wake you up interesting yeah i'm a sleepy i'm definitely a sleepy guy although i had a little weed i'm here's how much i like i now know each each week i gain more knowledge about weed really and like now i know which edibles make me nervous like i know the brands i know like which brands which whatever one really fucked me up yes like three days ago i tried to sleep and that happened to me and it was actually brutal because i was just thinking like fuck dude you fucking suck it was it was just the most negative shit and usually i'm just in a blissful like it's usually i like i would take it when i was depressed and i wanted to just fast forward a couple days really because i would get so fucked up man i wish i could do that it was fun until it goes into that it hits that anxiety vein and it was like and it just makes you think things that you know logically you don't believe they're not true at all they're not true at all it's like it was shit talking me my friends like just the fact that it got to like my friends was crazy it's like why is my brain shitting on my friends right now why did you choose that guy and i was just like fucking and then and then i have to just like scroll or listen to a podcast just put my mind i couldn't even i can't even read when i'm that kind of that kind of high but do uh you look at tiktok at all i right now i'm really no right i don't i don't do tiktok but i mean instagram reels is the exact same fucking thing i feel like it's not i feel like tiktok is different tiktok is like a deeper more addictive thing or because like instagram reels is basically at least for me it's like this is trash yeah this is like you know something about tiktok man it's so addictive i can't i hate it i fucking hate it i i have to fucking i have to just like we need to hire another we need a different friend of ours to just hold my phone so i never have to look at it i need to just hire someone to just like read me i want to go nolan mode where christopher nolan says he doesn't have a flip phone but it's like he has a flip phone or doesn't i'm sorry he does have a flip phone he's never had he's never used email he's never uh he's never had a smartphone it's like but somebody's doing yeah someone's doing it's like saying i don't tie my shoes or something like that they're tied yeah yeah yeah and i'm sure that's good for him like definitely that's helped him be that an you know one of the generational filmmaker and but he is pushing that off someone and what i'm saying is i'd like to push that off to someone i'd like to make someone have to fucking answer my email because my brain has been the last couple days has been kind of mush but we're getting it back we'll get we'll get back in there i mean by the time people are hearing this you know what i'm not gonna stop i'm gonna stop actually talking about what's happening in the future because we're not gonna stop talking about what's happening in the future because we're we did a couple episodes where i was like and by now the special's done and then i broke my arm so i'm not saying that we're about to shoot the special we're not you know but when people are hearing this who fucking knows i'm not even gonna i'm not gonna start talking about the future but there might be some planes coming for us right now that's true there could be a really low plane some really low planes really good pilots with making really poor choices about what kind of terrorism to do because taking out the stabby baby enterprises global headquarters that is a not what i would target if i was trying to destabilize new york personally but who knows what would you target i don't want to say you want to say you don't want to say i don't want to help plan 9-11 too that would be crazy if we did have a second one it was called it keeps going like yeah yeah we can't help it's 9-11 too what if they what if they did it on 9-12 that would be very um that would be convenient for the like the like you know they don't have a guy now who can do that like bin laden was the guy they're like you think there's a dearth of terrorist talent out there right now they're scrambling right now we're in it we're we're in a we're in a low we're in a fallow period for terrorism it's like the qb room on like the worst football yeah it's like a bad draft yeah it's like yeah god the the jamarcus russell draft like the bears five years ago yeah yeah yeah he's the number one pick but he can't throw yeah we got the mitch trubisky of osama bin laden's right now like the vikings before koc yeah are you you're from minnesota minnesota i grew up at least yeah you grew up there okay yeah where you were uh i honestly sick place i think it's great it's great you know it's very cold yeah that's tough and it's also i don't know i like it a lot i do like going back there but i would never it's the living there is different have you heard like it's like the number one not number one but it's like pretty high up there on the apocalypse rankings oh definitely because it's all the fresh water yeah yeah yeah yeah all the arable land all the good spaces and stuff i think a lot of motherfuckers are buying like rich motherfuckers are buying bunkers it's been bought all the land along lake superior like it's all rich people buying it up because it's fresh water and stuff yeah yeah i think it's too late too late for us to pivot we could probably get like a buy a little lake or something like that i would like to do that if i get some real money i want to buy like a compound up there on some lake like an hour of minneapolis maybe that's awesome yeah i've become i've been a lake skeptic my really because i'm a beach guy oh man and i yeah this this happened if you grew up on a lake you get it i just think you know the big ass lakes are cool but i just i hate murky little ass fucking water they're not murky okay bad ones are murky but when you get a good one it's like all right because it's like uh perfect the temperature is warm in the shallows i don't know i think you know what also i haven't been in a lake in a while so this is like memory talking right i might go to the lake and be like oh man what the fuck is this this they this they change this lake they change the they put dirt in the lake yeah who's putting uh do they paint the bottom of this yeah and why is there algae in the lake now uh but they can't be great though but that's true i guess that really what we're talking about is just everything you think you like you're just remembering when you were young the best version of it it's just it's just your youth yeah it's just like you miss being a little kid on summer vacation which might be is that the best feeling you'll ever get is like a great like a great summer day on summer vacation when you're a little ass kid i've seen like a girl in a bikini who oh yeah that's nice like you didn't know that was going on it's just the beginnings of getting horny because right you don't have the ugliness of when it takes over your life yeah and it turns you into neanderthal and you're like dr jekyll yeah yeah yeah is it mr hyde or i can't which i think mr hyde is the fucked up one yeah the one who just like you're like a wraith yeah like the the for the ring but it's you know yeah yeah yeah i don't know what mr hyde was up to hyde's the bad one yeah because the doctor can't be bad doctor can't be bad no doctor's ever done anything bad no never never there's no there's never a weird news story about a dentist injecting his own jizz in his patient's mouths or whatever or like a fertility doctor all who like yeah they're all bad it's so crazy guys it's just crazy that's another thing like the men don't have to deal with usually yeah it's all women like anytime you go down you have to think like that is true it's just kind of gonna like it's just super nice guy going to be the worst human alive right when i'm sleeping it's like fucking christ i don't want to know anything ever again it's like i know all the bad stuff at this point i just want to coast with that sure i can dip into once in a while with a head with a nightmare but now i'm like yeah i'm kind of filled up with knowing about oh that all that happened that's horrible life is a nightmare yeah no more new atrocities i just want to i guess it gets the point that where you're so numb to atrocities yeah just like oh yeah life's bad and hopefully we just have a couple nice meals going on a couple vacations you know like you're just trying to get the good good stuff see you know you know watch a watch like a baby walk for the first time you know what i mean like see some beautiful shit but even that sometimes like my brother just had a kid and some and i'm like the kids i love him right he's he's the man my nephew but sometimes i'm like you're so fucked oh my god sucks dick i don't know how i feel so bad for you because right now is the best time in your life being a baby so fucking awesome and i have a niece it's the same thing i don't know how i don't know how you're a parent because you have to like navigate that stuff how do you tell the kid don't do this don't do that like yeah are you gonna let him see an ipad like you know it's bad right right but also yeah fuck that and then that's just the new stuff even the stuff in a perfect world it's like you will experience heartbreak you will have you will have some kind of physical accident at some point your body will deteriorate you know what i mean they're just like so many elements of life the ones you love us right now these are the ones that are going to these adults that love you and will do anything for you we're gonna die we're gonna fucking die it's gonna be brutal for you so i think about the stuff that i dealt with i can't believe like if my kid told me that stuff i would like okay i can't do anything but think about this thing yeah yeah you're experiencing second hand yeah oh like what's one of the most horrible things that have ever happened to you i mean i'm kidding okay this camera here just directly to camera okay no no you don't have to say that but actually i do because i am a i'm a fan of the doughboys podcast and i did hear one of the most fucked up things of all time that happened to you which is what was it just that you don't have a fucking uh like intestine or something well it didn't really happen it wasn't like an event okay it didn't like i didn't get nailed down they took it out like oh my god yeah it was kind of like a long protracted thing which might be worse i don't know i guess so it's also i've been dealing with it for so long it's one of those things where i just you know i just yeah that's just how your life is my life basically i'm like i mean if there's a bathroom somewhere i'm like that's the bathroom right i know where their bathrooms are all the time right right right you used to have like a crazy six cents for bathrooms like a thing where that's very useful oh my god it was crazy i've i've impressed people with okay uh that's the bathroom right there yeah okay there's a water fountain so that means there's probably pipes there there's so many steps from that you kind of could be a plumber you're like half a plumber just because you've always had to shit your whole life i don't have a fixed toilet because i've clogged so many toilets in people's houses you gotta learn to fix that fucking toilet oh you gotta have a seminar with eldest Eldest, how many plungers have you door dashed in your life, Eldest? Oh, I've never door dashed a plunger, but the first time I came to your apartment, I had to go out that night to buy a plunger at an pharmacy nearby. I remember. You really christened my new apartment. Was it a big shit? Not really. I don't know. Too much paper. I don't know. I always think I'm kind of reasonable on the paper. You're not. I probably fold too much. You're not. You've clogged every toilet we've ever shared in our lives. You know what I will say? I was just in Amsterdam. I have never clogged a European toilet yet. What's going on with that? You're not allowed to flush paper in Europe. They also have bigger holes. Don't they have like really big holes at the bottom? I think it is. I think it is a big hole. I think it's like better water pressure too. Like the water in the toilet really gushes out. I guess it depends where you are. I don't know. You've never clogged an Albanian toilet? Well, I guess Albanian toilets are just. It's like a gutter. Yeah, you just dig a hole in the ground in mud. We got toilets about 10 feet deep. You know what? You're Albanian? Yeah. That's cool. That's like the place where, you know, you always try to get people to go there. No one's like, I'm going to go about five other places first. Yeah. Yeah. Well, I mean, actually, you know what? Shout out to Albania. I respect. They fucking. They were protesting against Jared Kushner. Oh, right. Yeah. The Kushners are trying to steal fucking land from Albania. Those fucking cocksuckers. Shout out to Albania, man. Destroy everything. Those pieces. Those pieces of shit try and build on your land. You know what? The ironic racism towards Albania ends with the caveat, I'm still doing it to Eldis. But everybody else, I respect you. I love you, Albania. Shout out to you. America could use a little bit of that. But they did it, right? They overturned it. I think they paused it temporarily, at least. Look, the thing is. It's probably going to. Oh, I thought they did it for real. You're up against a lot, but I do think. I mean, that's. Unfortunately, we're kind of in an era where evil is winning objectively. And like, they know that you can just wait out. You can just wait out. Yeah, you just time them out. You just time them out. They have all the resources in the world. So that's what I'm saying. But they don't know what it's like to go against fucking brick-headed Albanians. Respect to you guys. You get something. I mean, you should be afraid of protests in a country where, like, barely anyone works. Totally, they got time. People are ready to go. They got time, dude. They're sharpening their sights. I also saw this awesome clip of a protester, and he was, like. He's basically threatening the prime minister, and he's like, He was, like, he was, like, he was, like, I pray that. I pray that God takes mercy on him. And then. And then at the end, he, like, switches to English with a heavy accent. He's like, Fuck your mother. Fuck your sister. Oh, man. That's awesome. He's so eloquent in Albanian. He's like, May his sins be forgiven. May the evils he's done upon this country be washed away like the rising sun. And then he's like, We fuck pussy with knife. We put knife in pussy and rip apart. Hey, Vankar, you have stick to go into ass out of pussy. You'll be blood from ass will be a mouth for me. You having problem with your nipples be chewed off by fish. You will be alive drowning as nipples are eaten by. We wrap nipples in worms and have fish nibble at them. We cut your hair to be ugly. And now you must go and beg life as whore. As guastia. Oh, fuck yeah. So shout out to Albania, man. And shout out. Everybody should be reacting. Listen, take a look at what they're doing in Albania to the Jared Kushners. Think about doing that to data centers is what I'm saying as a joke on this joke podcast. It's all a joke. Wouldn't it be funny if you, like, I don't know, found a way to firebomb? That would be funny, like a joke. Yeah, like in a cartoon, if we wrote a cartoon. You do a lot of voiceover work. You have a very distinctive, great voice. Maybe we do a cartoon where you're a data center that's been set on fire. What would that sound like, Johnny? It'd probably sound like this. I froze up. Yeah, great. That's what it would sound like. The one guy who works there. The one job they've created. It's one guy. It's just Homer Simpson. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like worse than Homer Simpson. God, I've heard guys arguing about those data centers. Have you ever seen the guys who are the pro? No. The guys. You ever listen to Coast to Coast AM? I don't follow them. It's like this old AM radio show. It's been around forever. It used to be about aliens and all kinds of stuff. And, you know, as with all stuff like that, it's trending to the right. Sure. And everyone gets older. Which is a shame, by the way. It's such a shame. It's the biggest shame. Conspiracy news used to be kind of a hippie shit, too. Yeah, a hippie thing. Like, sometimes it was, like, communist. Like, first of all, a lot of left conspiracy theories are just true. It turns out we are run by pedophiles. You know, it's like a lot of, like. Or just cap. Like, the ruling class is trying to kill you is just true. Like, it's not really a conspiracy theory. And then, I don't know. I guess, like, aliens and shit. But it used to be non-political, I guess. It used to be an apolitical. It was totally apolitical. You were just insane and a fun guy to talk to. But, yes, they've been harnessed, unfortunately, a little bit by the right. Because all those people are super paranoid. So, a lot of them have had, like, you know, very bad stuff happen to them. Yeah. So, they're so paranoid about stuff. And now they're, like, they see these right-wing people who are feeding into that paranoia. And so, they jump on that. They're, like, basically victims of those fucking hucksters. Yeah, dude. It sucks. It used to be someone calling up. It was a call-in. It was a call-in show. And if you want to hear, like, a character, man, that show. That's awesome. It was some lady in, like, Rhode Island who's calling up saying how. So, I have a hundred rabbits, but three of them are able to speak to me. And they've been doing this for a few years now. And the host, George Norris, is like, what language do they speak? Like, dude, there's never a question. It's never, like, really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. They never doubt at all. That's awesome. Someone's saying that. That's, like, a normal thing. There's guys who call up who are fully, super deeply bipolar. Right, right. Who are saying, like, George, I know something's about to happen. I'm the only one who knows. Right. It's like, okay. Great. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All those guys now, they're all, like, you know. So, what was going on in the. What were they talking. How did we start talking about this? Was it something about you ever listened to AM? Oh, there's, like, a guy who was listening to us to fall asleep the other night. And there's a guy who's, like, a pro data center guy interviewing someone. Yes. And he's, like, got that lobbyist voice, you know? Of course. Sounds like Sidney Lumet or something was, like, don't. No, there's nothing to worry about. Right, right, right. There's nothing. It's innovation. Actually, the jobs we're creating, these are very high-paying jobs. Hundreds of jobs. And actually. No, no, no. Those are the old data centers with the diesel. Right. These are gas. Like, he says the word gas so fast, you almost can't even hear it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's fucking. It is. It's just been. It's so clear that all you have to do is just lie. Oh, yeah. And that's always been. Always been the truth, but it's, like, they used to have to. Used to have to kind of make it seem like. Base it, in fact. Like, I just think about the Iraq War versus the Iran War, where it was, like, they fucking. They made Colin Powell, who was, like, a, you know, decorated war veteran. I was a big fan of his, too. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Back in the day. Yeah, back in the day when we're kids, we're like, well, he's, you know, he's a general. We should listen to him. But they. Norman Schwarzkopf. They just made that guy give up so much of his personal credibility to pretend there was WMD Like, there used to be real sacrifices to certain people. Now they're just like, yeah, it's actually. We're just going. We're actually killing people in Venezuela because, ah, they're drug guys. Oh, yeah, they're drug guys. Definitely. They're drug guys. They just keep coming. And it's like, you could just do. It's kind of. We're kind of. I. It's crazy to be nostalgic for, hey, can we get back to the. When the evil Republicans lied to us as if we were smart for even a second? Now they're like, no, it's fucking. They had a bomb or whatever the fuck. They had no shame. It's like they had no shame. Like, all you see is clips of C-SPAN or something where you've got, like, some Democratic congressperson interviewing, like, a Republican, whatever the fuck they are. And they'll be saying all these facts and the guy is just. They don't. There's no shame at all. No, that's actually not true. Which is a good. Honestly, it's like a smart. We just have to start playing fucking dirty at this point. I mean, actually, we're just on such a post-truth society. It's so fucked. And AI is. The one thing AI is gonna be good for is putting. Is making a, you know, a Democrat running in a red state that might win, making them seem gay. That's the only thing AI would be good for. And just barely fucking taking them down. You see that guy who had his photo enhanced to look like he was all muscular? Yes! Like, what the fuck? That was awesome. And that's something they can probably just shrug off and say, that was never out there. Yeah. They can say it because. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's no. You can't verify anything now. Like, I can't even verify shit. About myself. If someone told me it's AI, I'd be like. Can I do that? Yeah, I guess it's AI. Yeah. I don't even fucking know. I do think the one good thing about it is that I think what they've done, what I'm hopeful, is that it will be seen as. It's like the aesthetic for really low-class shit. Oh, yeah. Because, like, AI has taken over. You go to a fucking bodega. You go to a food truck. You go to, like, a. Andromaque. just like you know cash businesses that operate on like lower you know the margins the margins like it's just guys who like before that it was a hand-drawn sign they drew on a fucking white board they're like yeah fuck it i can get like a i can just ai a man yeah but like that will look cheap in a bad way and so that's all i'm hoping is that eventually how low class it looks or just how uncreative it does look low class i gotta show you this sign i saw uh yesterday by my hotel man this is like this is the opposite of ai i want this sign so fucking bad man this i just want this fucking sign of course and i would like to and while john is looking i would like to say if you use ai you are a corny bitch if you use it for anything creative you're a fucking idiot that's incredible it just says we i mean this yeah show that send it can you see that text it to me we'll pop it in that's i mean that is just the greatest sign of all time that's really good that is the anti anti ai totally but yeah it's it's okay to not be creative that's the other thing it's like dude i don't fucking if there was like if there was like a video if there was a thing where i could type in a video and it's like me me scoring 20 points in an nba game that didn't happen why am i why would i watch that and be like whoa that's like these guys being like look i get if you want to draw you can't figure out the thing that you're good at you you want to make movies great but you can't fucking do it you suck dick at it you're not creative you're but i'm sure you're good at other stuff why do you want to it just it also proves that everybody who's like art is fucking gay and it doesn't matter they actually want to they want to be creative it's cool and now they think they can do computers to do it and that's just not how this shit works you're good at fucking computers go keep stealing money from people you're doing great you fucking vampires why do you also want to be creative anyway it's kind of incel it is like ai is sort of like maybe that's the incel route out or maybe it's like it's probably burrowing in deeper it's burrowing in deeper because then i don't need a girlfriend exactly i'll make i'll make fucking i i have akiko my my double uh 40 uh triple g uh waysian girlfriend that exists on my ipad yeah yeah yeah look i will every once in a while i am lizard brain is completely taken over by big bobbling ai titties i've never i've never looked at that yeah i don't even know what i'm referencing is it did i get it right did i get it right the physics the physics are just like captivating because she goes left and they kind of go i know i know the lag it's all about the lag a little bit they lag a little bit in a way that's not real to real life but is real to the video games you used to beat off to when you were 11 or whatever yeah real enough real enough lag doa uh dead or alive beach volleyball type shit that's my super specific thing yeah i gotta find a perfect lag yeah physics lag mass lag titties i'm a mass lag guy i think oh hell yeah dude i gotta get the mass to fucking bobble around i would i think like i saw like in the world cup there's so much there's so much ai is there really i haven't watched no i just mean like on the internet they'll just be like check it out it's germ germany chick but it's just like these are clearly ai girls yeah but for one second it gets me too and i'm like i think if like if you go back and think about what technology would be the most useful to take over the world i mean probably it's just guns right but if you had like a if you could print out pictures of ai women that look like that and tell like a peasant like here man here's a you'll get to fuck all of these ladies you could probably i bet you could take a i bet you could become like a you could become like a landed you could take over like england in the 1100s or whatever the fuck or even not even that old maybe like the 19 we'd have it would have to be the 19 like 10s when photographs were first starting so people were at least familiar with it but if you went and and you know you could clean up big time you could clean up big what's that saying um what's the old arthur c clark saying any advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic oh yeah yeah just go back a little bit totally even fucking iphone you could probably rule the world and like the i i don't think that a thousand years ago i don't i don't know what would i do if i went back in time with an iphone just show them videos until it fell until it burned yeah bring like a special you have to bring a bunch of batteries bring a solar battery charger oh a solar charger but then the second some fucking barbarian smashes it you're like oh oh i guess ultimately it's probably guns yeah what are we gonna do hand out pictures of ladies with big tits that would be the funniest guy to do just to be like the guy who thought like tits is what i need like you ask the genie what do you want um i want a thousand pictures of women he's like what genie he says are you sure you want this you just do that at kinko's man well i also want to go back in time i'm going to use the picture tits to stop hitler stopping hitler with tit with huge yeah give hitler ai so he can make his shitty art he never becomes a dictator oh that's interesting that might actually work what if you give him ai and he's like he just shows everybody pictures of like blonde ladies with huge tits he's like this actually is what we're going for like oh fuck dude you know what i mean like that's tough so i don't know that can go either way either he just stays at home making ai or he becomes even more powerful i mean he kind of was pretty powerful that's what i'm saying that's what i'm saying i don't want to make it as far as you can get like it did but what if that pushes him over the edge the two biggest armies in the world they're like whoof yeah millions of russians at him but what if what if he's also what if at d-day he unfurls two huge banners with ladies with huge tits and all the guys are just drooling getting shot in the head what if saving private ryan started like that and it's like they're coming out and then it's like whoa dude look how big those tits are and then i don't know something to think about we would have their historians call in let us know i forgot about that yeah yeah yeah that's exciting it is exciting the the d what what did you forget about oh getting calls oh yes we are going to do some calls sorry fun why don't we go you know you forgot about it johnny but i didn't forget about the stavi's world hotline presented by visible we're about to take some calls right now and solve some people's lives aren't we eldest what do we got first little buddy hey stavi's world hotline presented by visible we're about to take some calls right now and solve some people's lives aren't we eldest what do we got first little buddy baby i'm hey stavi baby i'm calling to get your advice on how i should proceed or not proceed with the situation so i'm in my late 20s and in when i was 13 14 i used to play a lot of video games on xbox live nice so i met a few people when i was young gotten a few online xbox live relationships and in one of those i've managed to keep up with one person who i've known for quite a while now we met when we were like 13 14 and we're both in our late thank god you're the same age i was really i was really worried like okay um i didn't hear that yeah yeah yeah no i have no knowledge question eldest okay so i'm glad you didn't get groomed over xbox live 20s early 30s now so we are both in committed long-term relationships but we've also kind of toyed around with the idea of meeting up with each other hilarious the bonds of playing halo in 2013 run very deep for certain people because the imagination is running wild yeah yeah i mean that's by the way that's fucking insane i guess let's let's hear her out but you're out of your fucking mind but let's finish it unless we're missing something nothing every time we've talked it's been platonic it's been friendly nothing too flirtatious not yet i can understand how it might be weird for his partner and for my partner to be like do you want to cross the state to go meet some person that you used to talk to on xbox live like that's weird so should i even try and do it is it too weird is it like towing the line yeah i don't want to be daft and pretend like it's not it could look totally weird so what do you think should i should i still meet up with this person how might i present this to them um or should i abandon it entirely so thank you so much i would love to hear your input and i love this show and blah blah blah bye okay so at first i thought she was explicitly saying she wanted to have an affair with her friend from xbox live but now it seems like now i'm actually kind of sad because it feels like she wants a friend like the second half felt like also why it doesn't seem like well because what's the point i think because what we're talking about earlier where it's like it's so hard to form connections that like a lot of like honestly people that started like i think the xbox chat rooms and the fucking playstation and whatever like online gaming was one of the first places we saw it was almost an accident that it created like online friendships yeah but they were real like it like before discord existed that was kind of the beginning of the day and so i see why like if this girl basically as long as as long as our caller here has truly innocent if you really want there's two questions here do you just want a friend is that really what this comes down to say that basically right it sounded like tonic and there's okay so there's two so she seems like she wants something tonic great nothing wrong there and look if you wanted to cheat we could counsel you on that too we were basically your defense attorneys we could have told you how to do it uh not that i necessarily think you should especially with a guy you met on fucking xbox live you know uh 15 years ago or whatever the fuck but that's one thing is is okay so you wanted to be platonic great the second thing is uh do you think he wants it to be my big sticking point here is like what are his intentions because look there this could just be a dork who you know uh because otherwise because basically if we say you can't do this at all it's kind of misogynistic to be like well a woman can't have a friend if she meets up with a male friend it's because he's in a relationship and so is she and so to me here's the absolute easiest answer here is like why does this have to be a one-on-one hang why do you keep it on if it started online keep it online interesting because even if you're meeting up in person the only reason to ever do that is to like accelerate to a different zone yeah in a relationship and you're happy and so is he supposedly right then i just like what what if it ain't broke don't fix it i mean i guess i see what you're saying and i also tend to agree but i wonder if that's a little bit of like slightly generational because i'm just coming around to the idea that like so many people younger than us yeah friendship online is just real friendship like even even our in our generation like i know we have friends eldest that like like you you and the elusive and mysterious big p were way more into like message board culture and like you you had friends online in a way that i never i really was way more like well i was not i was an online skeptic even as a youth and i think even within millennials i would say half are and i think after us everyone has everyone yeah i have none at all but my wife is like younger and she has like so many she's 19 right yeah just turned 19 yeah but you know you she's been a family friend forever yeah family friend you were there at her baptism first the first steps was so when i saw those first episodes like okay i'm waiting i'm sitting this out those legs are gonna get longer i was actually her singing coach and uh helped her i met her playing yeah i met her playing a pop punk gig she's got a residency in vegas now and we're just so happy we're so happy we're so happy but yes you're you're yeah like even your wife has real online friends but also i'm not like an internet i we're the opposite because we get when we get along you know i like dirt and being outside and not being the computer she loves she could live on the computer for days and that that's what i'm saying is like for so many people younger than us there really is no distinction between online and real life like i think we us looking at is like real world you know whatever i mean in fact i would say something like that i would say something like that i would say that like some people feel more which is a dangerous thing in my view but for some people might just say that's how the world is how civilization is progressing uh i think people are honest online they feel like yeah 100 more themselves which is sad but in any case that's what why what is i don't get the need to meet up well i understand the want to but also it's kind of like but let's say okay again let's say these are both women or both men right there is it's just if if you take the gendered aspect out of it you're not going to be able to meet up with out of it then it's just an old like this old pal you've had on the internet forever and it's kind of he's the only one that you've stayed in touch with like it would be kind of fun if it made sense yeah to meet up for lunch or coffee or whatever the fuck i feel like a lot of people have friendships that transition very easily to that so my question is so then i would just say though if you were going to do this i think it has to be like because there is it is intimate to be like one of us has to cross state lines and we're going to meet up at this specific place state lines i've heard that before trafficking nothing like crossing state lines to get in trouble yeah it's like whatever like how far away you are is a big deal now if one of you happens to be in town for work or whatever the fuck and you want to meet up for lunch or whatever that's fine that's different but i also think the way to make this not weird at all is like what if you have a big barbecue someday or you have a fourth of july barbecue or if you have like a little dinner party or you have just something and you're like hey low stakes why don't you come meet my fucking boyfriend like right like that really the crucial thing for me here is you sussing out what he's looking for because i think it's very reasonable for her to be like oh i just want a friend but like this to me could have guy what we were talking about earlier how everything from your youth is more nostalgic yeah like a guy in a relationship he doesn't really like so much and he's like oh that perfect girl who said the n-word on halo with me like that's my soulmate you know what i mean like a fucking player that's a one-act play he's got his whole life about her she goes over there and he's like she's like why do you have all these pictures of me he's like what those are that's you i don't know you like oh fuck i'm just really into street photography yeah yeah so that's my big question is like and clearly she has some hang-up which but to me her hang-ups feel like more about perception and i think you need to separate the perception of it and how you actually feel yeah are your hang-ups because deep down you are afraid that there might you actually have some latent romantic feelings for this person or is it that you're afraid that he might whatever i don't know if it's just will it look weird i mean you know if you're in a relationship you should be able to tell your friend that you're in a relationship and you're like oh my god i'm fucking boyfriend or girlfriend like hey my buddy from like what if it was like a friend from like this when you were 13 what if it was an old friend from middle school that was in town you know what i mean like i wouldn't feel weird going to see a girl that i was friends with when i was in middle school on some like let's catch up shit yeah like if you're in a good relationship and if you really aren't if you're really not looking for anything romantic it's fine it's just i don't understand the hesitation in your voice here because and maybe it's as simple as like she's just worried from a gendered perspective did she ask did you ask she didn't tell her partner though yet did she that's what i'm wondering she didn't specify that but i'm wondering like has she ever brought this guy up to her partner before right because i could see like if i did this or if my wife did this if it was like oh i'm i'm gonna go get lunch with someone from going to jersey message board that i was friends with i became friends with when i was 14 when i was like the most pathetic horny that's crucial you know if i just sprung that out of nowhere that would be sus as fuck for sure but if you're still if she's still a gamer she's still on xbox and and her her boyfriend also because the other thing is like what kind of relate is this a gamer to gamer relationship because i actually think that makes a big difference right yeah because like people who are in that who really give a fuck about that kind of shit would understand it in a way that somebody who like i was never really in this world and and like it would be if it out of nowhere somebody told me that it would i would be like that's a little strange but if somebody if your boyfriend also respects the sanctity of sanctity of gamer of gamer of gamer friendships leet speak which exists that's that's all the stuff you have to think about i don't think this is necessarily a horrible idea given you want it to be platonic the your friend wants it to be platonic and this isn't completely out of the blue to your partner but if you are you because not taught not mentioning them and in fact either way you should mention this because it's kind of weird to just have a secret friend to like just in general it's weird even if they were the same gender it's kind of bizarre to have a secret decades-long friendship that your partner doesn't know about it is a little strange and that's all it's always weird to bring something up they're like who's that it's like oh you know jason l yeah jason l you're fucking the fuck is jason i'm like you know my friend i know from a long time ago yeah yeah yeah who i keep tabs with talking about him all the time i've always talked about him yeah don't you you know don't you know him he doesn't know about you yeah you know yeah yeah yeah what oh honey can you get the door jason l is at the door he's like what you know oh yeah he's gonna come you know you're away for the weekend he's gonna help me water the plants my friend headshot 69 i'm going to see a headshot 69 my friend obama's birth certificate 42 obama's birth certificate jesus christ you know jet fuel can't melt steel beams it's my buddy building seven it's my buddy xx building seven xx and the one x is lowercase and the one is uppercase building uh next next question little ld uh-oh holy fuck what the fuck what the hell's going on Oh, I'm scared, Johnny. Oh, fuck. It's time to fucking keep it twisted. That's right. It's the fucked up motherfucking ass question of the week. Brought to you by Uncle Calvin at Twisted Tea. The smoothest motherfucking ass beverage on the market. Double T, double P, H-I-T. That's right. We got the fucking party pack. I was sucking these off, celebrating the Knicks victory. In fact, you can tell my hat was trampled on 7th Avenue, and I haven't cleaned it because it feels like it's a mark of pride. You sell that for so much money. It's a mark of pride. So, Eldis, what is the motherfucking ass fucked up question of the week this week? Brought to you by Twisted Tea. Hey, Stav, esteemed guest, Eldis. I used to have an Albanian roommate, and. Sorry. I mean, good for you. He was like a grumpy little troll. Anyways. I mean. Bisexual woman. Nice. Good lying. And I've been with my male partner for eight years. We're basically married. Nice. We own a house together. Wow. But I got really drunk one night while he was out of town, and I slept with a woman. It was like a friend, whatever. I called all my homies. And my husband's like, yes. Fuck yes. Whoa. Oh, my God. Thank fucking God. Hopefully your husband is dumb, because if he's dumb, this is awesome. But if he's smart, this is bad. But keep going, Eldis. I called all my homegirls. They told me, girl, don't tell him shit. But I can't do that. I can't lie to him. That's too twisted. I actually really love him and want the best for him. So I told him. And he's like, he was really hurt about it. And I just feel like it's not that big of a deal. You fucking cheated on her. Okay, our caller is keeping it way too twisted. You're keeping it much, much too twisted. It's chill and twisted. You cheated. Yeah. She is being very chill and twisted, like a delicious twisted tea on a hot summer's day. That's what makes it so chill. Which is good for a beverage, but bad for your bisexual long-term girlfriend. I, okay, she's being homophobic. She's married? No, they've been together eight years and they own a house together. Yeah, that's kind of common law. Common law, yeah. Right. It's crazy you're confused why he's hurt. What, anyway, finish the call, I guess. Maybe because I'm a girl and I'm like, this is just like drunk girl stuff. Like. No, it's not. I feel like it's not that big of a deal. You fucking idiot. But he feels like it's cheating. He is cheating. What do you mean he feels like it's cheating? You cheated on him. You cheated on another person. That's how fucking dumb you are. You think it doesn't count? That's awesome. Fuck. And here's the thing. If you feel this way, right? If this is really, is she done? Is there more? All right, let's let her finish. It's just two girls like getting drunk and like, you know, eating puss. I don't know. It happens. Like all my friends were like, girl, I've gotten drunk and fucked my friend before. Your friends are, were they in relationships though? Because if they're not, then they're cool. Even then, it's not like, like that's not. It's not casual. Listen, I'm not, I'm not going to sit here and tell girls not to get drunk and suck each other's tits. I can't do that, Johnny. That's against my morals. But if you're in a committed relationship with either a man or a woman, and it's not an open relationship, that is wrong to do. I don't even, I can't believe I have to explain that to you. That's, you're really fucking dumb to not get that. I think you're just in denial. You don't want to, you even said it. I can't do that to him because you felt guilty enough. You felt guilty enough to tell him, but you were hoping, that means, that to me signals that your guilt wasn't real. You just wanted to get it off your chest. You just wanted for him to be like, nice, what did her pussy look like? Or maybe you want to break up with him and this is how you're doing it because you're creating the problem to start the wedge. Which would be again, much too twisted. Is there, is there, should we just let her finish? Is there anything else? Well, what do you think? Would you be upset? It was like very much so. Would I be upset? Like just leaving. I'm almost blackout drunk and no, no, no, no. Stop. Stop giving yourself an out. It was like a friend. It was just like, somebody's going to have to see again. I'm actually not even attracted to her, which is the most, one of the most annoying parts. I also did not come. You know what the most annoying part is? And she was like a pillow princess. Didn't want to do nothing. Oh, okay. So I'm like, don't even get mad. I wasn't even good. Yeah. Oh, sure. That's what you tell him. The pussy wasn't even worth it. Why are you being annoyed? That sounds fake. That sounds fake. I wish it was fake, but I think she's just a fucking idiot. And look, whatever. I like, you might have these, these feelings towards hooking up. That's something you have to clear before you do. I'm not even saying you couldn't find a relationship where this works. Right. Because tons of guys who would be like, if you tell me for sure, for sure. Like I, when I was saying, hopefully your boyfriend's dumb, like I've like, this didn't happen to me, but I remember dating somebody and like being shocked she wasn't bi and being like, and then, and then like dating somebody casually and she was like, show me pictures of her with other girls. I was like, this is the fucking coolest thing I've ever seen in my life. Especially if it's, if it's like relaxed and chill and they're, they're comfortable with it and they're letting you in, letting you know about it comfortably. It's kind of cool. A friendship between like you and a girl that you're hooking up with who's bi and it's almost like, it's like how that feeling of like dapping up your boy. After getting pussy with a hot girl, you get the fuck is kind of awesome. I don't know if it's sustainable. It's one of those things that burns too bright. It's like such a beautiful lens. Like it's not gonna, it's not gonna light your world forever. It's like a firework. You have to enjoy it. You can't let your home with it. It's not, you know, that's not, that's not a stable form of energy, but when it burns, it burns bright and it's awesome. I feel like I could, I could be sustainable with something like that. Yeah, that'd be cool. That'd be cool. But you found a guy who's not like that. And by the way, you could have just asked him ahead of time. And also the other thing I would say is even within your own twisted logic, if you're this kind of person who's like, who cares? It's girls hooking up. The fact that you even haven't, he, first of all, he would reject this offer. I'm pretty sure. But the fact that you haven't offered a threesome is to make it up to him. And by the way, I'm not saying normally that's how this works, right? I'm not saying normally you should sexual barter, but for this girl, who seems like what's the big deal. It's like, you should have at least try. You haven't tried to make amends in your dumb way, even, which to me feels like you're just, you just did something fucked up. That's all there is to it. What do I think? I thought she was going to say that too. I thought she was going to say something like that. She started that way. And then she very quickly, when she didn't immediately get her way, immediately be like, oh yeah, who cares? Fuck more girls. That's what you were hoping didn't happen because he's your boyfriend is much more stable, mentally stable than you. Yeah. And you're, you know, kind of pissed off about it. So look again, philosophically, it hurts me to say two girls hooking up is bad. It does. But I do have to say in this case, that is true. And I don't, what do I think? I think you fucked up. I think the ball is completely in his court where he decides where this goes. I mean, you did something that could ruin this relationship very, very possibly. You put your eight year relationship at risk. And the fact that it was just a friend and you weren't that attracted to her and you didn't bust, that's all worse. That was so much worse. None of that is good. The friend thing is worse because now it's like, he's going to think every friend you have, you guys just casually fucking getting blackout drunk. And all your friends being like, don't tell him they're scumbags. They're fucking scumbags, dude. Keep it twisted. They are keeping it twisted. So I guess what I would tell you to do is sit your boyfriend down. Maybe with an ice cold twisted tea party pack and try the fresh lemonade that's only available in the party pack and maybe even the rocket pop, which I really enjoyed. The rocket pop, that looks interesting. It was pretty good. Like I said, I had him, I sucked down a bunch of them during the Knicks win. But yeah, look, dude, you just made a big mistake. And if this is the kind of thing you want to do in your relationship, you should have been open about it. And, you know, if he breaks up. Just film it. Yeah. And then offer him, offer him double top for Christ's sake. I mean, dude, and again, I'm not going to say the double, double top rocket, double top rocket pop, double top rocket pop. That's nice. You get your dicks up. You can pour them a little fucking rocket pop, dude. Nourish them. You can use that twisted tea. Hey, twisted tea. If you want to do double top rocket pop, just, just break my boy Johnny off a piece. But you can use it. You can use it. He did sign a waiver. Everything. He's ever, everything he said and thought during this podcast is we do own it. So, you know, at the end of the day, we can use it, but please break him off. At least mail him a couple party packs. I shouldn't have thought about that universal energy idea. Now I'm going to be dead. All right. Good luck. Good luck. And hey, maybe keep it a little less twisted next time. Keep it twisted. Oh, fuck. Shit. We're going back to you. Not. Twisted zone. The detwisted zone. We're getting detwisted right now. It's like Home Improvement. What is that? It's the Home Improvement reboot. Or the Home Depot theme song, you know? The whole music for Home Depot. Oh, my God. That's hell. What else we got, little LD? Hey, Stav. So I'm a virgin. Nice. Hang up. But I've been talking to this really hot girl on Snapchat recently. She sounds real. She's like 25. And originally, we met through Reddit DMs where I made some posts about being a virgin. And she told me that she was kind of, her fetish was kind of taking guys' virginities. This is a guy in Bangladesh, man. This is a fucking guy in Bangladesh, bro. Come on, man. That's a guy with like 45 phones and a gun to his head being like, you know what I mean? Let's listen. There are some interesting details. I know. But like, if I was a scammer. I am going straight to our male virgins immediately. I'm going to our divorced dad and our straight male virgins. Anyway. Did this guy say how old he is? Okay. Anyways, she's like, she's got like borderline personality disorder. No shit. She's a huge drug user and stuff. She's done like, she told me she's done like meth and heroin and fentanyl and she's apparently a huge stoner. Keep it twisted. Anyways, she's keeping it rather twisted. Sounds like one of the last caller's friends. This is like a, just eat some pussy and don't tell your fucking boyfriend. This is a piece of rope. It's so twisted. She lives in central PA and I live in central Ohio. Oof. So we live sort of close. And she told me that. The airplane emoji, but it's central PA to central Ohio in your bio. Indiana Jones. It's like going. From one different fentanyl hotspot to different fentanyl hotspot. It's tasked to. Yeah. The it's, it's the, it's the cities. The Sackler family has ruined super highway. Yeah. Go ahead. I don't lose my virginity sooner or later. I can just go out and fuck her. Sounds good. The thing is, I told her I was 20 in our original conversation. Cause she said, are you a virgin? Are you a virgin? I said, yeah, I'm 20. Oh, he's 14. I'm really 18 gigantism. So, Oh, dude, I don't know. He does not care. Is this woman? Yeah. She's going to go out and fuck her. Do you think she's going to know? I think she's going to like ask for my ID or something. Come on. Like, what do you think I should do? First of all, you're going to get there and her fucking cousins are going to rob you. Oh, what the fuck? This guy's going to get fucking. You might, you might, you might fuck her, but you are deaf. Your car's not leaving with a catalytic converter. I'll tell you that much. He's going to have his robbery virginity taken. They're going to take his ID. Dude. Okay. Oh my fucking God. This kid being 18, completely. Like if you were at 24, I'd be like, get good with a butterfly knife. Get a fucking gun. And head on over to central fucking Ohot PA. Hire some Albanians to come with you. Bring an Albanian, bring an Albanian valet with you. And yeah, green book, but for virgins. Green book? Hey. That's good. It's going to be a movie. Oh my fucking God. Oh, hey, everybody back up. That would be the best movie. Green book for virgins. Yeah, yeah. Fellas, get out of here. He's going to fuck your cousin. And we're getting out of here. Could you imagine Willem, what's the guy's name? The actor. Oh yeah. Who did play the guy in green book? Viggo. Viggo Mortensen. Jesus Christ. Shepherding you to get your V card taken. So awesome. Whoa, hey, back up, fellas. Okay. I'm going to take her first. Yeah, yeah. I'm going to give the point. Pussy a spin. Make sure everything is in order. Oh, this guy, man. He needs, he needs. Buddy, you're 18. All right. If you were, if you were even maybe, I just, to me, the downside here, you're on, if she was in your town, if you kind of knew the, like you have too, there are too many variables here. She was 40. Yeah. How old is she? Did she say? She's like 20 something. 25. Yeah. You need to lose it with a woman who's, who's like a hairdresser who's divorced. Honestly. That's awesome. Yeah. Well, like someone who's got two kids. We're, we're actually, we're big on this podcast. We're, we're trying to get, it's not, look, we're not against age gaps. We just think the, the glass ceiling on age gaps needs to be broken. Oh, for sure. Why aren't more divorced hairdressers taking some 20 year old, you know, college, college like fucking sophomores out for a spin? I think they are. I hope so. I hope so. And you know what? Maybe the media. Maybe the media doesn't want us to know about it. Yeah. Cause the media wants to keep America a pedophilic society. Um, anyway, I would say at your age, uh, at your age, 18 is just too fucking young to be doing desperation moves like this. That's okay. Not to get laid at 18. It's totally okay. You go to, I mean, go to college or if you don't want to go to college, just start hanging out, get a fake ID, start hanging out at bars or just going to house parties, whatever. You're too young for this desperate, this type of desperation. And look. I'm not even saying if you find a girl like this at a local bar, don't fuck her. If this girl was at your fucking, you know, at, at a dive bar, you, you meet her. She's deep throwing the big buck hunter gun and you're like, yeah, you can fuck her. Oh my God. That's how you meet somebody. But to me, to me, the, the, uh, variables of you having to take an away game to completely unknown territory. And this is coming from somebody who has hooked up with people in strange situations and been like, am I about to fucking, I remember I'm like, I was drunk. I was driving up 95 and I made a little detour for a, uh, a friend I met on the internet and I like walking into her apartment was like, let's bleep out the city actually. Uh, walking, walking into her, it was like in an alley and it, the door was weird. And it was one of those places where once you got upstairs, it was a beautiful place. But I was like, why did I do that? I was like, why did I risk? I was like, I'm about to get fucked. I'm about to get fucking jumped. Now she was hot. It was awesome. I don't regret it. But you know, uh, I, I, I have my wits about me. You know, I was in my twenties. I'm not an 18 year old. And even then I would have gotten, I could have gotten bludgeoned in the fucking, you know, pizza guys who won't go into that situation. And those guys have been like jacked before. Yeah. But I, so I think right now where you are, you don't have enough life experience, let alone sexual experience to handle this. Slow down. To me, the weirder. The weirder parts are having to go to a strange city with a white trash drug user to get pussy. It's like, you can find white trash drug users in central Ohio, brother. You don't got to go to York PA to find that. I promise you that you're fine. You're fine. Wherever the fuck you are. What's a, what's central? How is that? Like Cleveland? You should know. You're the resident Ohio expert. It's like all of Ohio is central. Cincinnati's like by Kentucky and shit like that. There's no part of Ohio. There's no part of Ohio that's, that's that chill. I'm going to say, is there a city called Lebanon, Ohio? I think it's a Lebanon everywhere. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm seeing, I'm seeing places like, uh, the region surrounding Columbus. Oh, Columbus. Stretches across a 10 to 11 county metro footprint. Interesting. Counties include Franklin, Delaware, Fairfield, Hawkeye. I've never even heard of these shits. Wow. Wow. There's definitely bar slays that will. Absolutely there is. Help you out. You're in Ohio and you're thinking you can't find a girl. Who's tried fentanyl to suck your dick. Yes, you can. Just go to a bar with a fresh pack of cigarettes. Absolutely. Hang outside. And when a woman who's clearly needs to have her hair done. I love this. Who's got, who's got like her, her. One of her nails is chipped off. Yeah. Chipped out. She's needs a fill. Yeah. Light, light her cigarette and tell her you're a virgin. She's like, I'll fucking fix that. Yeah. A hundred percent, dude. No, this is, and this goes back to why we need to touch grass. You were trying to find. Find these women online and they could be anywhere. Find them at your local bar, put out this vibe in your local bar. Be a cute little fucking, you know, whatever year old at a dive bar. One of these ladies will suck you off. I just think, yeah, but don't, don't, don't worry too much. All right. We, everybody in this room was a virgin at 18. It sounds like it's better. Yeah. And then, and we were fine now. Now you could say, actually, I'm clearly obsessed with getting pussy and I'm, it's, it's actually been a problem and it's wrecked other relationships in my life. So maybe we're not fine, but Johnny and Eldis are. Okay. I guess. Yeah. I guess. I mean, you're both married. I would like to have had it sooner back then, but it doesn't matter now. I think it's better. I think it's better. Who cares? I can't. I would have liked sooner, but it doesn't matter. That's all. I've said before. I would have liked sooner, but if I, if it didn't happen, when did it happen for me? Like 22 or 23 or something. Oh, wow. I thought it was. Yeah. I think it was like right after college, but if it didn't happen then I'm like, well, I could see just living with it for a few years and thinking like, you know what? This will happen. No, I would have, if I didn't, if I didn't fuck in college, I would have a hundred percent gone to a sex worker and treated myself. Yeah. And just, just to get, just to break. Cause to break the seal. You just break the mystique. It's nothing. Sex is really nothing. It's just, you feel like you think you're going to put your dick in and pussy's going to be like, you're going to be like, your eyes are going to fucking roll back into your head. You're going to be like, Oh, this is the best thing of all time. And it can get there. if you're good if both people are good at fucking and you care for each other but at first it's just gonna feel kind of cool yeah you know it feels cool but it doesn't it doesn't change your life and the more you build it up the worse it is and it's like we're here to tell you yeah at 18 you're fine you don't need to be doing shit like this you'll be fine buddy it's like that part of rush more you've seen that movie rush more it's been a while oh it's like the best line about virginity because you know that's he's a kid he's trying to date the teacher right she's like it's not if you haven't fucked before it is like she's making it out to be if you've had have if you have had sex it's not a big deal but to the person who hasn't it's like this huge that's true the discrepancy is so big to where i can see why this guy is going so crazy because he doesn't know you don't know what you don't know right right right and once you get there you're like oh oh that was it oh that's that was pretty cool uh anyway good luck little buddy you'll get pussy sometime soon we believe in you hey davi uh elvis and guest long time listener first time caller i just had a weird situation um that i kind of need advice and with a very old friend uh one of my oldest friends from middle school um so we have had our same group message with our with the boys for you know the last 10 15 plus years and we've had a lot of fun and we've had a lot of fun and we've had a lot of fun and we've had a lot of fun and we've had a lot of fun and we've had a lot of fun and uh it's been getting this particular friend has sounded off when he replies messages both privately and in this group chat um where we were wondering if maybe his partner was taking over and yesterday she texted as him sophie rain am i right and a couple of the guys were like hey officer yeah it's like a guy it's a guy in tim's and the and uncreased jeans and a yankees fitted being like anybody got drugs i can buy that's fucking crazy dude what's sophie rain sophie rain am i right it's just i don't know i don't even know if she does porn or if she's one of those girls that has an only fans and just made like a fuck ton of money on it but she seems like one of those only fans girls that like some of them just got famous being an only fans girl and they don't even actually do porn it's like a weird you know maybe they should be doing porn but they don't do porn or something but so saying sophie rain right is that like a thing i think it's her trying to be like hey pornography is cool huh guys to the group chat yeah but anyway let's finish because i'm a little confused about what's going on i just didn't know who that person was yeah yeah nice dude i mean i really don't i know i know yeah sophie rain and i said same thing uh and i get a text from this friend through his number but from her uh saying that just a whole bunch of whole bunch of shit making me feel calling me disgusting uh questioning why i'm with my wife if i am gawking at uh hot chick wait who said sophie rain and the the guy the caller's friend friend who his wife or and what this this guy took the bait and was like nice he said a few guys in the group chat were like yeah sophie rain they're like yeah whatever and that's fun first of all that's weird imagine if you in our group chats you texted a porn star i was like actually i guess it's just weird because it's sophie rain if you text like jonna michaels i'd be like nice yeah i could see actually yeah i can see me like if we have if we did our generation of porn stars what's weird to me is that that girl's like like young as fuck like it just it's a weird thing for like if you're in your 40s yeah yeah i mean okay but it's just like but it's like i don't know man to me i i find myself gravitating to a porn star and i'm like oh my god i'm like oh my god i'm like oh my god i'm in the milf categories you know and we even we even discussed it with our our you know new friend of the show jimmy another jimmy jimmy tatro we're we're milf aged men now we're we're men we're milf age that's that's age appropriate it's not even really a milf that just happened to be a mom yeah yeah but either way at the same time whatever if you want to throw out any porn star in a group chat and somebody gets horny for it fine it's crazy but let's finish it off hot chick um it was a lot of messages and i didn't know what to do my friends are on the fence between messaging her back or messaging him back or just like letting it lie and i'm frustrated because i just started getting this friend back in the picture because of his controlling partner and she does have dpd so that is another reason i don't want to respond but also personally i guess i do but uh i don't know i just got this friend back and now it feels like i'm living in and uh she's also wanting to message my wife to to make sure she knows how disgusting it is that i liked it so uh anyway any advice would be helpful take care hope your elbow's feeling better right thank you brother i'm out of the brace um i mean this is insane behavior that is a nightmare level shit i think i would have to you gotta call the person up you gotta talk to him you can't the texting thing the amount of people who still text solve something like just fucking call the person i know you cannot the inflection isn't there there's all this stuff that people people will say stuff on text they would never say out loud well it's also absolutely absolutely never say it uh but it's also like this his wife or girlfriend or whatever it's like that's fucking insane that would piss me off so fucking much it's like what is it what are you first of all it's like you got this information without a warrant number one this is not this isn't you impersonated legal this is this this is you know fruit from a poison tree you know cannot you can't use it or whatever the fuck the legal bullshit is uh you can't stain uh but literally just something i heard i like remember hearing from some legal thriller yeah i probably just watched svu or something not even svu just svu clips on on and on and that's mostly what i'm watching on instagram is honestly green i've never seen green book no i've seen like the best it's so i fucking you actually think it's awesome the movie yeah i it is outstanding i fucking love it so much i'm not kidding it looks like dad slopped me so much dude no it's not that looks like father-in-law watch that shit with your father-in-law the day after thanksgiving is what it looks like to me i have a thing oh i'm gonna solve fucking racism um hey hey don't say it n-word even though i say it a lot obviously you gotta watch it yeah it's different than you think it's like updated driving miss daisy kind of he sucks i think i love that movie man i really do like that movie a lot you're you're like polite minnesota liberal uh upbringing is coming out right now where it's like it's like oh this is what this is perfect race relations anyway to me the clips i've i've seen on uh on and i'm you've actually seen it and i've seen like you know uh maybe 22 minutes of it completely out of context over over the course of six weeks of green book of green book but to me it just seems like pondering like you know it does seem that way let's fix let's fix let's fix racism with one good white guy but anyway it doesn't matter story all right all right all right the point is great performances great i the performances i those they are both great actors i you know that is cool yeah um anyway for the performances you know what it is about that movie i probably wouldn't have such a negative reaction to it if it didn't win the oscar yeah you know it's one of those classics where it's like yeah i gotta argue with a friend about this because she was like oh uh if beale street could talk like that's such a better version i'm like well they they both can exist right and they can both be good and one that obviously is way more hollywood and popular yeah yeah yeah yeah it's just a i guess it's symbolic of the type of art that gets rewarded which is just like fine yeah but speaks to the sensibilities of the people that make these decisions right um like old ass academy members are like wow they love that oh imagine if obama was still in like to me that movie's like wouldn't it be great if obama was still in office like that's what that movie feels like to me but wouldn't it be nice if i had a black friend but i just have one on the movie you know i was walking uh to pilates and a couple of the homeboys outside smiled at me uh that's what that movie feels like to me my friend jamarcus actually um he's sitting out there and he uh he sings a lot anyway um i love singing can i tell you i just love your voice are you a singer can i just say i think you might you should be a singer over hearing a barista hum it's like yeah here's a doll what the fuck um anyway this guy's fucked this guy yeah like to me this is the kind of thing where uh i would be so fucking pissed at this lady oh my god who the fuck do you think you are you you're running mind game i'm not your fucking i'm not in a boy like this would be a problem for me because i think i would my mental illness would align perfectly with a bpd girl friend girlfriend and i would give her exactly what she wants which is calling her a dumb bitch and like how dare you fucking do this like i would like so but don't do that that's my knee-jerk reaction i think how i would actually handle it is yes you got to call this guy and be like hey man um that was obviously not you and i think it's really strange behavior like on your girlfriend's part and it's like what it would honestly you would just kind of be like what's going on you know this guy is spineless you know he's not oh he's being tread upon by her yeah hardcore they have to break up they have to break up but you have to let them break up yeah you gotta call him or you gotta just like there's really not much you can do unfortunately when somebody has this like all you can do it's i mean he is in an abusive relationship where the stakes aren't as high as getting the shit kicked out of you yeah it's just your i mean who knows honestly somebody's very controlling and and in these instances all you can really do is be there for your friends when they want to reach out you shouldn't do the thing i would want to do which is like argue with this woman who's clearly trying to start she just wants something she wants to have a fucking like a second guy to yell at now yeah she's creating a necessity problem just be there for him if you can call him try and feel feel him out send him an edible arrangement and realistically you're probably gonna have to have two separate group chats yeah you know realistically now you have to act as if the phones are tapped so you need to have a regular group chat because if you want to keep him around you have to keep this fucking idiot girlfriend like you know on your side and you have to like hey like if anybody says sophie rain or you now know that group chat is compromised you're cool to have a second one you can have one that's like a red herring you need the second group chat that he's not in where you make it super dirty in a way where you try to drive her insane you just text like hey guys breasts no i'm saying you need one where she's not in right you have but you have like two of them you have the real one the fake one oh so you think instead of making the fake the fake one squeaky clean uh it should be it should be super dirty to drive her insane super dirty so you push her on the edge because you can't keep it clean because that's just like or you make it so boring you make like that's what i'm saying just talk about sports talk about football talk about like mundane shit and no tits um talk about like just the epstein list like going through the whole list just oh maybe try and radicalize this insane person do a bunch of like inequality statistics talk about how much how much ceo pay has skyrocketed how uh if if the minimum wage from the 70s kept with inflation oh my god it would be like 50 and like yeah maybe you could turn this insane person into a warrior for good uh who knows but either way your friend's fucked you're gonna have to may have a fake group chat and uh just kind of be there if and when he ever wants to get away from this person but um you know i think that's gonna do for us we've really uh saved we really helped some people a lot of bpd out there a lot of bpd out there johnny's anything you want to plug i'm i'll be uh doing some comedy you can all see in my dates i'll be in madison i'll be in seattle i'll be in some florida stuff it's all on johnny pemberton.dog that's my website i really like that yeah and uh watch mermaid watch watch mermaid on vod watch mermaid on mother effing vod john thank you this is very fun anytime come back we'd love to have you go see go see johnny live watch his movie watch the stuff he's in come see us uh the special actually i think is about to be recorded this week or it's not anyway whatever fuck we got to promote the fucking anyway whatever just we'll see you guys next week