#187 The Reality of Getting Back with an Ex

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If you are looking for even more help and guidance on your breakup, I have a few different options for you to take your healing to the next level. I have four different online courses depending on what stage of the breakup that you're in from beginning all the way into moving on after heartbreak or you can bundle all of my courses together and use the code podcast to get $25 off my course bundle. I also have my 30 day no contact challenge to help hold you accountable in going no contact with your ex and we have our free Facebook group Healing Hearts Club where you can connect with other people going through breakups all over the world. To learn more about any of these resources head to the show notes where you can learn more about my courses take the quiz to figure out which courses best for you or join the Facebook group and don't forget to use the code podcast to get $25 off my course bundle. Welcome to the Healing Hearts Break podcast with your host breakup bestie aka me Kendra. Breakups are hard but you don't have to do it alone. Each week I will be taking you through a different topic as it relates to breaking up, healing from heartbreak, growing in your single life, dating and getting back into happier and healthier relationships. The goal of this show is to provide support, hope, tips and to remind you that above all this too shall pass. Welcome back to another solo episode of the Healing Heartbreak podcast. Today's topic is the reality of what it actually looks like to get back together with an ex and the grass isn't greener on the other side kind of version of it. And the reason I wanted to make this is there are people that literally build businesses and I see them because they're constantly spamming people in my comments and that say that they can get you in your ex back together and so there's this huge focus on how to get your ex back. Luckily I think I'm hoping people are getting wise to it, but it is still something that's very prevalent. So it's there's this huge goal of like okay I need to get my ex back and then no one really talks about okay now what now what happens after that so you got this thing that you wanted. But a lot of people just don't see past that point they think okay I got them back everything's better my life makes sense again all my pain is gone we don't play the tape through it there's a very famous saying an AA about playing the tape through okay you get them back let's walk it. A couple weeks down the road couple months down the road a year down the road what does this look like and there is a reason why there tends not to be a great success rate with couples who are constantly breaking up and getting back together now with that being said just because there are times that people think I'm hiding this aspect of my life for that I'm being hypocritical I do think it works I think it works that people get back together clearly I'm an example of that. If you haven't listened to the story it's episode 27 of the podcast where my husband did break up with me we were apart for a year and a half and then with no contact whatsoever he broke up with me because he didn't think you ever wanted to get married or have kids he took the year and a half to work through what was blocking him from wanting that. And we ended up coming back together so the whole story again is an episode 27 but I actually think that being someone that this has worked out for allows me to point to some of the things that we did have to do in order to make it works and a lot of things that people ignore and I'll get into that because there are five things that I recommend to keep in mind when it comes to either and you know this can also apply to someone who maybe you and your ex are in talks of getting back together I think this is a great kind of guideline as to things that need to be considered and if you're someone who just thinks that if you and your ex could get back together your life would be whole again you would be complete nothing would be wrong anymore I hope this provides a little bit of perspective into realizing that that doesn't necessarily mean it solves everything so a lot of the times and I do have content on things to consider before getting back together with an ex kind of more like very specific things but first and foremost one of the biggest issues with people getting back together with X is it happens so fast and that's not a good thing I think the reason my husband and I worked out is because we were up and I think it's because we were apart for almost a year and a half well over a year and people that I also know who have gotten back together with X is it's typically that it was an extended period of time and this is kind of the first thing to keep in mind is the motive behind getting back together can really cause a huge pitfall and when I tell you the motive you're going to be like obviously that's the motive and if we dig a little bit further into that and that is if two people are getting back together solely based on the idea that they miss each other we're neglecting a really big piece of the puzzle here so that's why I always remind you missing your ex does not mean you're meant to be with them no matter what side of the breakup that you're on if you were the one that ended the relationship or you were the one who was broken up with and it's valid for both sides to miss their ex but just missing your ex is not it's just not enough it's not enough to make a relationship work and I hate to say that because it's like well isn't love enough isn't missing someone enough and I just don't think it is and it always reminds me of the story and I'm sure I've shared it on multiple episodes before but a guy I know went through a breakup he ended the relationship and I think it was probably a few weeks maybe a month down the road he was having a really bad day had a bad day at work was just missing his ex feeling super down and in that moment he called his ex and basically said like I want to see you I miss you and literally the next day realized that it was the mistake that he should not have gotten back together with her so you want to try to avoid anything like that there needs to be that there needs to be so much more awareness communication intention when it comes to getting back together and we've all heard the saying nothing changes if nothing changes so that's why I believe it would never work to get back together with someone after a few weeks because you have to really take a look at why the breakup happened in the first place and maybe you can't be the person to answer that but let's use an example here let's say you are completely blindsided by the breakup you don't really know why it happened you never got the closure but a few weeks later you hear from the ex that blindsided you and they say I miss you I want to see you let's talk at that point they would have to be very clearly able to articulate what happened and that caused them to break up and you guys I tell you like you don't need clarity unless there is some kind of consideration of getting back together if you're thinking about getting back together with someone and they can't tell you what changed for them they can't tell you what went wrong in the first place they can't tell you why they're not going to be able to tell you what happened reaching out aside from they just miss you, nothing has changed. So what's to say that that's not going to happen again? And if you do have the reasoning as to why the breakup happened, you have to get some like serious clarity and action steps on how that's going to change. So I'll hear a lot of, you know, I'll go to therapy. Before getting back together with someone, they should not have an intention of getting going to therapy. They should have at the bare minimum and appointment setup. And even better, they should have attended a couple sessions. This like whole intention thing of I'll do whatever you want. I'll do anything. First of all, that shouldn't be put on you. I don't think I think it should be if they were the ones that ended the relationship, it should be on them to figure out and process what happened. That made them cause the or to have them break up with you in the first place. And there should be action steps already done and more planned out to ensure that it doesn't happen again. And so, so, so few people do this. So few people do this. And I completely understand when you are in the depths of heartbreak and you hear from an ex and they say, I miss you. It feels like you would literally do anything to have them in front of you so you can see them and talk to them and get back together with them. I know that, but it's so important to not just jump back in. That's what causes this whole cycle of getting back together, breaking up because again, if nothing changes, nothing changes, you guys are just going to break up again. There has to be a very clear mutual understanding of why the break up occurred and agreements on both sides on how are we going to make sure that we don't get to this place again. And so few people do that. So few people take the time to pause because they're just so excited. And that's like another aspect of this whole thing is the high that comes with an ex calling you and an ex and you seeing an ex and hugging for the first time since the break up or kissing for the first time since the break up, it is truly like a drug. It's euphoric. It feels like the best feeling you've ever had in your entire life. That can be very deceiving. And Dr. Aiman talks about it on our brains and break up episode. He calls it like cocaine brain. It's literally your brain's literally so activated. It's like it's on cocaine and you're not thinking clearly. We so often fall into that element and it's automatically your sweat back off your feet again. Your mind goes pretty much blank and all you want to do is just hang on to this feeling for whatever you can. But then the problem is the high wears off. It always wears off. And that's okay. That's normal. You don't want to live in a relationship higher whole life. So that wears off. And then again, you're left with the same exact thing that happened prior to the break up. Then you break up again. And I have seen people stuck in this loop for years. People have spent years doing this of breaking up, getting back together, breaking up, getting back together, breaking up, getting back together. It's exhausting. It's stressful. It's chaotic. It is hugely stressful on your nervous system, your body, your heart, all of those things. So the reality is most people don't take the time to first of all acknowledge what happened. Second of all, take action to change the things that didn't work. And then there's also this element that sometimes the problem with a relationship ending. And I talk about this a lot is like the two people just aren't compatible. So unless someone goes through unless you've been living under a rock, you know that everybody is talking about weight loss injections because the results are so dramatic. 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Financial stress affects far more than our bank accounts. It can take a serious toll on mental health with 88 percent of Americans feeling some sort of financial stress at the start of 2026. And I know that depending on your relationship situation, breakups can cause even more financial stress with taking on new bills and for some of you even moving homes. Money worries often bring anxiety, sleep disruption, and even depression. This month, we want to normalize the emotional weight of financial stress and remind people that struggling with money doesn't mean they failed. Sometimes it's just about accessing the right kind of support. Financial stress has always been something that keeps me up at night and it's the thing I'm usually least likely to look into and reflect on. I'm grateful for my tools like therapy to help me see the reality of finances and not just the anxiety of it. 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I have so many examples of those that people have sent me and it's for these reasons. It's just too easy to jump the gun. It's really easy to jump the gun. Going back to the beginning of what I was saying about how going through this experience of getting back together with an ex, I can point to all the things that Luke did to reassure me. And people say that all the time, are they asking me, like how did you trust that he wasn't going to end it again? And the reason was he laid out exactly what was going on in his head when he broke up with me. He explained exactly all of his fears of commitment that he had. He explained exactly what he did over the year and a half that we were not together, including therapy appointments that he had already gone to and was just telling me about them. And he talked me through exactly the frame of mind he was in when his mind changed and he even talked through even when his mind changed, he still waited because he wanted to really make sure that this wasn't just randomly missing an ex and wanting to see them. He waited three weeks after even having this insight. He talked to all of his friends. He went back to therapy to get clarity on these feelings. So it was so abundantly clear that there was so much awareness, so much action and so much change that to me that really solved all of the insecurities that I would have had. Insicurity and anxiety are probably the two biggest things that we don't necessarily talk about that is a reality of getting back with an X. Let's say you were in my situation and you didn't get all that clarity that I got and you're actually said, I'm not ready for a relationship and then they ended it and then a month later they call you, they miss you, they want to get back together, but they don't say what changed. They just say, I missed you so much. I realize I don't like my life without you, but again, they don't make the proclamation as to what changed and what they're doing to continue to ensure that change. You're going to feel very, very anxious and very insecure within the relationship because you've already seen them walk away once and it's going to be pretty hard to be in a place where you feel like you can fully trust that they're going to stick around. And what's interesting too is sometimes I'm thrown situations, is it okay to ever forgive someone who cheated or someone who ghosted me or it's really hard for me to put firm hard boundary down on this situation will never ever work out because you know someone could have cheated gone through a very deep processing of why they cheated what caused it be able to get very honest with themselves and someone else they go to therapy they work through which is normally their own insecurities they work through their own insecurities they work through whatever was causing those insecurities they take the time they come back and it was that one time thing and they were able to do that so again it's I don't think it's necessarily situation by situation it's more person by person what's changing that's going to allow the relationship to have a changed outcome because we are looking obviously for a changed outcome we're not looking for the exact same outcome over and over again and going back to having anxiety and insecurity within the relationship the last big factor that I think does not allow for people to get to a place where they feel really good within the relationship you have to keep talking about it it's not one of those things where okay I said I wanted to get back together with you so because I said that I don't want to talk about the breakup anymore and I don't want to talk about how I hurt you I don't want to talk about what happened when we were apart that's not how it's going to work if you're in that situation and you're told that you can't talk about the implications of the breakup had on you I think that's a huge huge block that won't allow you to ever really feel safe within a relationship and to tell you the extent of how I did that with Luke there was a lot of talking to him about how much the breakup hurt me I read him journal entries that I had written I needed to process that pain with him because if I was going to make this work that was a really big part of my previous year and a half was going through the breakup pain working through the breakup pain and I needed him to know that that was a part of of me now that I had gone through a lot of changes and he needed to know that and he needed to respect that and he never told me that he didn't want to hear about it he never told me that he I don't want to be made uncomfortable there were uncomfortable conversations that we had he literally went to my parents and apologized to them and told them this whole story he really truly realized the implications that happened when we broke up and made every effort to come together to make that work and there were times that I got insecure and I talked to him about it and it wasn't like I got a response of I don't know why you're feeling insecure we're back together it was I totally understand why you'd feel insecure about that and let me reassure you x y and z so that's also another really big missing part that I don't think a lot of people take the time to to do and here's the issue too if you are feeling anxious and insecure within the relationship you're not going to bring up those hard conversations you're just going to keep them to yourself and you're going to get to a place where you feel resentful or your insecurity is just going to grow and it's going to feel like this gap in this wall that's between you and this person who are trying to make it work again is just going to keep growing you have to knock that wall down you don't need to necessarily detail because people will say that too did you guys date when you were apart yeah of course when on dates with other people I was in a full blown relationship it wasn't like I needed to know tell me anyone you slept with I need to know all these details that wasn't helpful to either of us but there does need to be a pretty strong level of honesty with how you were feeling from the breakup and how you're feeling now about it and that needs to be continuous because again yes you're going back to a relationship that you had but you're also starting something new again and it needs to be treated as such there needs to be some things that go back to square one that was one of my things I said I want to feel like we're starting to date again I don't want to fall back into a long-term relationship because we are different people than we were a year and a half ago like we need to regate to know each other so if you message one of these people that says they can get your ex back and they say okay you got it and let's say it works which I don't know but I don't have a particular strong faith in any of these people but let's say it works they're not going to tell you all this they're not going to tell you all of the things that need to happen to be able to ensure that it will work and that you're able to keep your peace of mind and your sanity so that is the reality of getting back together all of those things that I just said uncomfortable conversations making sure that there is strong awareness on what happened making sure there is mutual continuous investment making sure that action items are taken to make sure the relationship stays as it stays in a good place so it's not just okay let's get back together and let's just go back to how it was no that's how you end up in these cycles of breaking up and getting back together so grass is not always greener on the other side if you are fantasizing that getting back together with your ex is going to solve all your problems make sure you're also adding all of these logistical elements into that and ask yourself like are you willing to do that and ask yourself is your ex going to be willing to do all that stuff because again it's it's both parties here so this felt like a really important episode because I do think it's this glamorized thing of getting back together with an ex and obviously to be very clear I'm not against it I don't think it never ever happens I just have seen it happen so poorly and not in a way that works but I want to make sure I at least give a road map of everything that would need to be in place to have it be successful so I will see you guys back here again next week I hope you enjoyed today's show if you loved it I hope you'll leave a review and share with your friends if you're not already following me on instagram head to at your breakout bestie where I am sharing new content almost every day to join our Facebook group healing hearts club where you can connect with thousands of people from all over the world going through breakups head to the link in the show notes and don't forget to check out my online courses for more in depth help through your healing journey I always end these episodes the same way reminding you to be nice to yourself stay connected with loved ones and the biggest reminder is that this to shall pass I promise