The hosts reflect on generational changes in culture, from the nostalgic appeal of classic shows like The Simpsons to the absurdity of modern advertising, such as rebranded olive oil. Drawing from personal experiences, they discuss how their childhood in Mississippi shaped their love of sports and family, including early exposure to football and bullying. They contrast their youthful athletic dreams with a later pivot to comedy, which became a meaningful career path. The conversation touches on food traditions, especially seafood boils, where they advocate for innovation through better textures and ingredients. Personal anecdotes highlight cultural discovery—like finding Jamaican patties or exploring Greek food—showing how limited early experiences were expanded over time. They also recall early corporate work, such as creating training videos, which now seem absurdly outdated but were vital to their development. Ultimately, the dialogue blends humor, self-awareness, and nostalgia, illustrating how upbringing, insecurity, and cultural exposure shaped their journey into comedy and self-expression.
[MUSIC] >> Welcome, everybody, to Stop is World 904, 100 Stop. Call in, we'll solve all your problems. On the couch today, we got my buddy Carl Tart, Carl, what's up, though? >> What up, what up? >> Thanks for coming on me. >> I feel, I feel at home, you feel like Greece? >> That's right, that's right. >> I'm picking olives. >> Yeah, hell yeah, some fresh olive oil. You ever had, what's the freshest olive oil you think you've ever had? >> I probably like some bird toly. >> Yeah, I mean, expensive, no, I got that, I got a gift. >> Of the, the green one with the, it looks like a glue bottle. >> Yeah, yeah, yeah. >> So, everybody's doing that one now, so I'm very skeptical of that one. >> Yeah. >> It seems like they're fuck, that seems like the last, that's the last millennial coded advertising thing that worked, you know what I mean? Remember when everything was like, you know, they were like, they had, they were rebranding, the funniest one was when they were, they just started rebranding Metamusel, remember? And they were calling it bloom or some shit. >> Oh, yeah, it was like, it was like probiotic and it was like, this, the thing my grandmother drank to shit, it's like this is just, we can't, everything can't be cool. Everything can't be, but so anyway, it's very funny that they're doing that with olive oil now. >> After a night at the bar, you need some fiber. >> Yeah. >> Yeah. >> That's just, because we're like the old people now. >> We are. >> That is true. >> Like the middle age people now, they advertise it, but we still go out. >> A hundred percent. >> We're not mature. So. >> Well, I did, that's what I was thinking too, where I was like, wow, this is really, I was like, like I was on in a bar and the Nellie and Kelly Rowling song came on. >> Yeah. >> And it hit me the way I assume old people hearing like a do-op ballad hit them. Like to me, I was like, oh, this is like the most romantic song in the world. To me, I'm hearing like a fucking opera about loving- >> I only have eyes for you. Like, in my head, I'm like, that's what I want to play my wife. >> Yeah. >> It's like crazy, yeah. >> And it's like the culture, the culture adjusting with us is really funny. >> It's nuts. >> I'll be saying stuff and also, I think our generation, because we're the same age. I'm 37. >> Exactly. >> And at work sometimes, I'll like make a reference that like all the old guys will laugh at. >> Right. >> And none of the young people will get it. >> And I'm like, well, I'm not there, right? >> That's tough though. >> Because we watch TV grow. >> Yeah, yeah, yeah. >> Like the young kids don't know anything before. >> You know what I think it really is? I think it's actually the Simpsons. >> Yeah. >> Because that's the marker. >> Because our generation is like the most Simpsons loving, like we were little as kids. We're like as young as you could be to also kind of start getting it. But there were references that we had no idea about. >> Yeah. >> And even Looney too. Like we were watching shit from the fucking 30s and shit. >> Yeah. >> And so like, and I, but I do think the Simpsons kind of snuck in so many references. Like I did, before I knew about Cape Fear, before I knew about like just, you know, a bunch of fucking, you know, who Kennedy was, Mayor Quimby's basically based on Kennedy, like they just had all this old shit that I think was kind of timestamped for all of us. And yeah, now kids don't, I mean, I remember, like when I was like, fuck, how, I have to change how I'm living. I was on a date with a girl and I was like, I mentioned rush hour and she was like, what's that? >> Yeah. >> And she was like, who's Jackie Chan? And I was like, I have to get out of here. >> But some shit though is crazy. >> Some shit like that is like, well, come on, man. >> Yeah. >> You know what that is. >> Yeah. >> But they don't. We are old, bro. It's over. >> That's like somebody saying to you, like, oh, this movie Rain Man, and you're like, >> Rain Man. >> Yeah. >> I know what it is. I might not have seen it in theaters, but I know what it is. Like rush hour came out late enough that you should, unfortunately, it didn't, it came out in the '90s, dude. Was it '90s? Was it '99? >> Yeah. >> I'm pretty sure. >> That's nuts. >> A lot of stuff that we think is old is just, or kind of you, we're so washed it's over. >> And I know this physically because I'm sitting here with a broken arm and a thrown out back. 37 was forever the year I was like, I'm old as fuck, I'm a piece of shit, I'm dying, and I'm going to do drugs to keep me alive. >> We hoop this weekend. And, you know, I had to show the, I had to show the fellas way it was, you know what I'm saying. I had to let them know. >> Yeah. >> I had to, but then like after like four games, I was like, my hip, my hip and my growing, I'm like, oh shit, like, hey, I gotta lose weight, B, I gotta like stretch, like not just before I play. >> Yeah. >> Well, now it's like the worst thing in the world is that something we used to do for exercise is now a little treat for us. >> Yeah. >> Like a pickup basketball game is something a 37 year old man who's fat has to think about for 10 days beforehand. You have to start ramping up to it like you're running a marathon. >> Oh, dude. I get the night before a couple of times, like the night before we had the after party. >> Yeah. >> Everybody's like, y'all want to do a shot? >> Yeah, I can't. I'm hooping tomorrow. >> [LAUGH] >> At two. >> [LAUGH] >> In 12 hours, I have to play a leisurely game of pickup. >> I can't. >> Yeah. >> I can't. >> [LAUGH] >> I played in college. >> Yeah. >> And now I'm like, no, I played one year at college and then started doing comedy immediately after that. >> Of course. It was away. >> Yeah, but listen, for comedy playing one year of college, you might as well be eight times all NBA. >> Oh, dude. >> How unathletic. >> As much as I mentioned, my zero minutes in college basketball. >> [LAUGH] >> My zero minutes, my basically a manager. >> [LAUGH] >> End of the bench full tracks with all, as much as I mentioned that. >> Hell yeah, dude, people would go New Mexico Highlands. >> New Mexico High, division two, division two did not play. What was the mascot? >> Cowboys. >> The Cowboys. >> The Mexico Highland Cowboys. >> Yeah. >> Do not play. >> Purple and black. >> Which is kind of tough. >> Pretty sick. >> It was kind of tough. >> And all we do is on that team, like division two guys, there were guys on that team who were like 26. >> Right. >> Right, right, right, right, right. >> The coolest guys with throw parties. >> 100%. >> 100%. >> And we were terrible. >> We'll call to you at the time. >> Yes. >> But if you look back now, it's a guy who like eaked out one more year of eligibility to avoid his wife and children. And they try and get pushed you from 19-year-old. There was a dude who left the team. Shout out Aaron. He probably was watching this. Like, there was a dude who left the team, who just stopped coming back. I hope he was okay. We kind of never heard from them like this. But he just, I was like, you don't, you don't just leave, like, we got school. >> Yeah. And like, you do, though. >> Yeah. >> I'm, we're playing for the New Mexico Highlands Cowboys D2. This is the kind of thing. This is essentially a bowling league. >> Yeah. >> This should be that serious in your life. >> Bro is like, I'm about to do. He just, he just dipped out. >> Respect. >> And shout out, shout out to homies, though Sanchez. >> There must have been Billy. >> Sure. >> Billy is definitely probably watching this. >> What was Billy about? >> Billy was 6'8" from the Midwest, and we called him the Bill Dozer, and he was a great three-point shooter. >> Love that, dude. >> We had Elvis from Chicago. >> That's a, a colorful little group, you got there. >> Yeah. >> Yeah. >> L Train. Steve Shanks was our best player. Getting a nickname is awesome. Justin Montoya, who was from the town. He's a hoopry. We were just talking the other day. >> Was there anybody who thought, pathetically, that they were going to make the NBA? >> Well, Steve Shanks actually did get, like, some G League looks cool. >> There you go. That's awesome. >> He was one of those dudes. I'm not trying to put his business out there, but he was one of those guys who was, like, played D1 at a good school, and then something happened that he could go back. >> Of course, of course, of course, of course. >> Of course. >> He came to the, he came to New Mexico. He was our leading school. He averaged like 30 points of game, like 25 points of game. >> He was good at shit. >> That's fucking awesome. >> So you're a must've been an athletic child. >> I was athletic. I played everything. >> That's awesome. >> But I wasn't never, like, great at nothing. >> Yeah, yeah, yeah. >> Yeah. >> Yeah. >> I started playing football in baseball. I'm from Mississippi originally. I started playing football in baseball when I was, like, six. And then I moved to LA when I was, like, nine, and started playing basketball. That was the coolest sport. But I played through high school and stuff, and it was, I was always, I was always great vibes. >> Yeah. >> It was locker room guy. >> Yeah, absolutely. >> I wasn't last to be picked. I definitely was not first. >> Sure, sure. >> But I was not last. >> Yeah, yeah, yeah. >> It wasn't last. >> It's very funny how for me too, because, like, I stopped. I wasn't good at sports, but I played them through high school, you know what I mean? >> Yeah. >> And it's, like, it's crazy how much you're just, you're sure you will play sports forever when you're a kid. And your entire life is shaped around teams. >> Yeah. >> And it's just, you never do that again. >> No. >> As a teenager, I had the schedule of, like, of someone who plays pro sports. >> Whoa. >> You're on a football team, with a high school football team. >> Seven to seven. >> Yeah, it's hilarious. >> You leave, you leave your house in the morning at 6.50, you don't come home to eight o'clock. >> Yeah. >> And your parents don't care. >> Yeah. >> And they just know where you are. >> Right, right, right, right. >> Like, that, I miss it so much. Who was the guy, do you remember the guys that were like the guys that, when you saw them, you went, oh, I'm done after this. >> Well, see, that's the thing though, for football, you could delude yourself as a fat guy. Because it was so being on the line, you kind of, you could, what I did, if you just looked at video of me playing and, like, hello to not a playing, it doesn't look that different. Because it's just two fat kids who aren't that athletic going at each other, right? But we had kids and, like, I had, you know, my high school team, our quarterback, he was one of those, like, quarterback, who's also the safety that also returns puns. But to me, I was like, oh, I'm the D-line version of that guy. Like this guy played in the NFL, but I was like, yeah, I'm pretty much like that. I'm 5'7. I'm 5'7. I cannot bench press, like, I had never benched, but I came from soccer, our coach, I've told this story before, but I always dreamed of playing football, but immigrant family to them that's like American barbarism, they're like, these motherfuckers just smashed their heads into each other. And my parents literally, my mom, my mom shout out to her very early on CTE. She was like, she was like, they let children do this.
- Yeah, she was horrified. - Are we sitting? - Yeah, yeah. - We were like, truly, we shouldn't. But she was horrified when I asked to play Peewee football. She never let me. And then our junior, I was playing JV soccer and our coach gave a child pornography and they dissolved the JV soccer team. And kind of as they're like, "Hey, we're all cool here, guys." Like, everybody, the school wanted to keep in touch. They're like, "You guys can play any sport you want this fall. You have the eligibility, so I got to pretend." I played football lying to my mom that I was on the soccer team. I was kind of doing like a mischievous little Disney movie thing where it was like, actually, it was kind of the water boy. I basically was the water boy, my sophomore year. I was like, "Ah, another great soccer practice, mom." And then eventually, I was like, "Actually, mom." But what made it easier to tell you that he gave pornography was that this same guy robbed my church. It was a very funny coincidence where this guy who was disgraced in our community because he literally robbed our church. He just showed up as my JV soccer coach. And it was awesome 'cause I also had leverage on him 'cause it was like, nobody's got to know what your background is on it. Listen, as long as I'm getting minutes, I keep my mouth shut. (laughing) So it was a very, that's how I started. It was like some guy tried to give a kid pornography and that's why I got to play football. And that was like, to me, it was like a very, that was my dream come true of like, wow, I'm getting to, I'm getting to do this like a, like, I'm a real American boy. You know what I mean? How's your mom find out? With a bear Brian came to your door. I missed, man, I don't mean to take them too much of your time. (laughing) But you should let your boy come on down to Alabama. He's got something good, he's got a gift. Now, Miss, we need all the discard what, our trash compactor is down. We need somebody we can sweep up all the leftovers to a gift. He just hold his mouth at the end of the table. And we tilt it up, but he just sucks up all the debris of lunch. All kind of hot dogs and hamburgers and grits and bacon and eggs. Ma'am, I've never seen a, a boy eat with the ferocity of your son. Yeah, that's exactly right. Is it a craft single? He's putting on that spaghetti? (laughing) Wow, good God almighty, goodness gracious snakes alive. (laughing) Oh, fuck, dude, yeah. It was, I basically just one day was like, by the way, I'm playing football. And she was like, all right, whatever. And then she started coming to the games and she did the very, she was very supportive mom, but she does not understand football. Yeah. And I would kick off because I came from the soccer team, just like the fat, it deligned me kicking off. And she would cheer at every kickoff. That's what that was mean, scoring a goal. I guess she said, but it was fun, dude, you know. Ma'am, I begged me to play football. Really? She, because I was like a soft goofy kid. Yeah. So she was like, you gotta get some. Every time you fall, you crying, you gotta get some. Did you have like a big family in Mississippi? Yeah. So, yeah, because I assume when you're from a big ass family, you kind of what roles you play. You must have played like the fun goofy kids. Yeah, yeah. And I was like goofy and quote, and cartoons and all that type of stuff. And my cousins were bullied and shit out of me. And I was bigger than all of them. Like I was taller and bigger and my little cousins would just beat the shit out of me. They're not little, they were, they were a little bit older than me. Like basically the same age, like two or three years older. But they were tiny compared to me. I was such a big kid. I was 18 Huskies and came home. And so they would, they would beat the shit out of me. And I would just go run to my grandma crying. And my aunties would be like, now you need to get that little boy in football. Because he's going to grow up to be a sissy. He's going to be a sissy. You got to let him play football. What are you saying that about? I was just a little kid. And Stephanie, your old is watching Inspector Gadget. Yeah, man. He's going to be gay unless you don't, unless he doesn't push his head up against the wall. And my dad, my dad played like, he played practice quad pro. He had a cup of coffee with the saints and with Denver. So it was in the blood. Right, right, right. We were a football family. We were all very large people naturally strong and stuff. And so I, and me just running around just, I remember, I remember one time, like this, I, this sticks out of my head because I don't think I was this weird of a kid. Sure. But like I was upset. I had my mom while I was obsessed with like lawn mowers and stuff. And so I had a stick that was shaped like a weed eater. And I was like going around a tree and he's working and he's like, Hey, man, what's your doing? And I was like, weed eating. And I was like, man, let's go, man, what are you, what are you happening in imagination? You fucking pussy. Stop imagining shit. Dude, that was the same shit at Greek town. I got made fun of forgetting a scholarship to college. They were like, they're like, you're going to college pussy because these were all guys who were like, they were, they would just work at their father's restaurant. Yeah. You from the moment they were born, they would sell cheese steaks to the low income areas. That was, that was the whole thing. And they were rich. Like, you know, they had the next tell they had, you know, they had like hundreds of dollars. But it was very funny. What, what you'll get bullied for is awesome. Yeah. Just fucking imagining weed whacking. Oh, dude, black people bully you for everything. You got like, you, like literally is rain now, so I just think I don't umbrella. It's like, damn, everybody busts a lad like it's the funniest thing to do, but I was like, damn. Well, what I love about it is like, it's kind of a, you can get made fun of for anything, but it's really just, everyone is taking an opportunity to kind of check each other. Yeah. Because it's like, the dumber you make for, the less it's deserved, it's kind of a heat check. Yeah. Like, you single out the biggest dork and you can get away with saying anything towards him. It'd be very specific to like, to dethrone the coolest kid. Yes. So it's sort of really just about social currency. Yeah. Each fucking roast is just like, and if you're really good at him, you can still, you can kind of be David versus Goliath, and I was not. Yeah. I was not a roasting kid. It was something about me that didn't want to be mean. Of course. Like, I was not, I was a, I was a flanking. I was goofy. Everybody thought I was funny and classy like that, but at the, at the roast table, man, I was, ass, ass, were you at the roast table, were you? I could do it. Yeah. You could fuck some people up. I could get into the zone. Yeah. It was like, if I was, it was more like if I got in the zone, I was like, I really could fuck some people up. Yeah. But it was that thing where sometimes I feel bad, because like, what are the odds that the guy bullying you would go on to just make a, make a, like, living at it? Yes. You know, like, I kind of feel bad for some, sometimes because it was like, sometimes there's something we get in my system and I just would have to, I would have to do it. And I felt like it was, it really was like that 30 rock episode where Tina Fey thinks she's the victim of everything. Yes. And then, like, I met a guy 10 years later, he was like, dude, you fucking bully me, merciless. I was like, well, you were my boy, dude, we were fucking having fun at lunch. You were a piece of, he was like, I was scared. I was like, what? Just because I, you know, you know, what I don't even, I just, he was a ugly person. I'll get, you know what I mean? I didn't have some fucked up teeth. But a nice guy, a sweet guy. And to his credit, he got, we went to a senior trip, he got pussy and I didn't. See? So it's like the Lord did, you know, punish me for my wicked ways. Never wore it in hand. I was punished for by night. Actually, now that I think about it, I don't feel bad about being a bully anymore because I didn't get any pussy as a child. So it's like, it feels, it was only when I let go. That's actually interesting. Only when I let go of my bullying ways that I get pussy. The meek shall inherit the koochi. But I think it was just a survival thing where you just had to, it's funny that you could get it because it was like, I don't think I was naturally good at it either because I do it like, you know, even as comics, I don't really like the, I think the roast joke shit is a little formulaic, whatever. But even like worse than that is like when people are just getting going and tearing at each other, it's like, that can be fucking scary. Do. And I'm so glad I missed the like, I would, I mean, part of it was I did get, I got put a little in the fucking bullying, uh, uh, fucking rinse the cycle by like, I opened for Bobby Kelly for years. Okay. And it was like, he's just the most classic bullying a week, you know what I mean? Like, like grew up in fucking, uh, he was, he was in Juvee, like from the age of 14. Fuck her, he, you know, he really, and I got more mercilessly bullied by him. And I think it, you know, got a little out of the system, but I'm glad I missed the tough crowd days. Oh, man, he would have liked me at all. Yeah. There's no chance. I watched the documentary recently. It was, it was like, oh man, maybe this guy wasn't so great, but also like, I still love his work. He's the best like truly like, I even watched it. It was like so many emotions I went through watching because it was like, you know, you, you, I loved that guy. Like when I was, when I was growing up and I ingested everything, when you two came out and all those opian Anthony and I was not fucking with them, but like I loved when Patrice would come on. Yeah. And then you just want to hear everything. And effortlessly funny talker. Bro effort, like just in a, and like a brain that you just go, how do people think of stuff like that? How do you think of that? So I said, Doc, and you hear like a woman be like, he was awful to me at all times. Right, right, right. Yeah. That's no good. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And then you can see it now from a lens of like being older, because when I was 20, I definitely was probably repeating a hundred crazy massaging this shit. A hundred percent. But yeah, that is, that's actually a great lesson though, because it's like, he made great work, but you don't have to agree with everything he fucking did. Exactly. How is it any more difficult than that for people to be like, no, it's actually just not allowed to ever, you're never allowed. It's like, come on, dude. You gotta set yourself in the room and tell me that it's not awesome. Speaking of high school football, maybe the best high school football joke of all time, where he's talking about the difference, where it's like, you know, they're doing
like a prayer circle now if a kid if a kid if a kid like sprains his ankle and it's like when I've played he was like you wanted to fucking kill people he'd be like he's paralyzed I used to take his that was one of my favorite you go to his mom is like yeah bitches when you get a bring your son around killers I told you nothing bring him out here man that's good stuff now I think that was one of the things like people like him thrive at the roasting table but that we had I think we have the same because I was also like crazy insecure like putting on the front so I think my think about not one of the roads because it was kind of like a if I start this they gonna come in me yeah yeah and I don't think I got the wherewithal don't let a don't let a girl start to roast because I couldn't I couldn't say nothing back like like I was raised by a single mom I couldn't say nothing back to the girl at home I'd be like fucking ball headed bitch you know and but as I was I can't say that to that girl like like you know so I just I was like maybe if I'm I'd learn self-deprecation very right me I would punch it out about myself that was the yes that was the go to as a fact hit a hundred percent yeah so that was your move you would just kind of beat them to the punch I would beat them to the punch and they kind of kept me around in the popular circles or like in the in the like the girls would of course you know what I mean like I remember we went on a basketball trip one time in high school and we brought these girls back to our room and we were all up in there and the homies ran out of things the homies that brought the girls back because it wasn't me I was definitely right and and and they like ran out of the shit to say to them and they were like hey Carl tell a story and so I'm like on the floor in front of the bands but I am on the bands with the girls I'm on the floor on my palace being like all right so and probably repeated some portrays on these of course of course he probably said like something like that like probably said some some joke that I'd heard on on premium blends yeah but it literally it was that's the way you would buy your way into the upper social circles as an insecure fat kid yeah is that you're the jester yeah you were literally tap dancing while they got pussy yeah you were the nice entertainment you're like here well ladies and gentlemen yeah like finger popping I'll be back I'll be down here if you need anything I'm like man there's always a bodega cat I've never been in New York there's always a cat on the brand I don't know what I'm talking about you know what crazy like by the time I got to like junior year I got real skinny oh really but that mentality never went away really because I went from being a fact yeah once I got I hit like a grove spurt between the summer between sophomore and junior year I grew from like 5/11 to 6/2/6/3 like where and law just like laws all that weight over summer football practice just lost everything but that was still because then I also from like being like like Ethiopian skinny you know I mean why didn't I know I don't have no muscle no man no man yeah yeah yeah yeah that's dude you got the you got the fabled you got every fat child's dream when you're disguised like the sophomore to junior gain five inches of height was like you don't understand how much I prayed for how first of all how sure I was it was coming yeah for years I was like wow any day now the growth the spurts coming I'm gonna lose this baby fat like how how long it took me to realize no one was coming to save me I was like this is it man this is the I kept being like okay even in college I was in college being like any day now I'm just a I because I would cling on to like the like Dennis Rodman story yeah Dennis Rodman fucking he was 5/10 in college I mean that's me and it's and it's just never happened I googled so many like how do you do that yeah yeah like a hdh I was trying my best because in basketball I played like power forward yeah and everybody would say well when you get to college you're gonna have to switch to guard right then one of the reasons I didn't play because like that transition was not easy I did yeah and I was like man what could I do like just to get if I could to get to six six yeah yeah and I'd be sick because I could be like a Charles Barkley like you know like just a group like I'm shorter but I'm still yeah no man I was trying to get anything I was like man how are all these guys this tall and then you hear about the Dennis Rodman story 5/8 5/11 the 6/8 it's like come on man that's got to be what what can I get struck by lightning yeah some's got to be horrible yeah that's a once in a lot I mean even the entity Davis that happened to me again it was never gonna happen for me I just put it it's just crazy because there was as a kid I remember being so sure my life was gonna be awesome and it's just every year realizing like wait this actually sucks dick yeah my family is so poor I'm gonna realize if we were poor and then realizing I was never gonna not like I was like I was never this wasn't baby fat and the fact that I was like I was never getting taller it all hit around the same time it was all around the end of high school where it's like you're filling out FAFSA and you're actually looking at the numbers and you're like oh my god how the fuck are the lights on this right yeah my mom gives me two dollars a day to buy hot Cheetos and a Gatorade at 7/11 and that's not enough yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah I'm like I have to like save my two dollars from the day before yeah yeah yeah yeah four of course yeah you that's that's what I was asking you earlier about who were the guys who because I played against a lot of guys who eventually went pro yeah like who became great like Harden and Westbrook oh wow like all these guys but like right because you're in LA yeah yeah and LA has incredible fucking yeah school basketball there's guys who didn't go pro yeah yeah you just are guys who went pro and you're like how did that guy do it yeah yeah yeah like Solomon Hill was uh he I played against him and he was good like he was on the best teams on their facts and he was good he was but there were other guys on that team who you thought we're gonna be like oh that guy's going to league yeah you you play against them and they do stuff to you that you go oh there's no way I can like maybe I can play in college and then you go maybe I can play D3 yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah that dream just fades totally dude and then all of a sudden you're fucking damn I'm I'm 23 I have no idea what I want to do with my life but I'm also jealous of athletes because like imagine like like some like LeBron is a per example he's 41 he's never chate like the way we thought his children how awesome it must be for the thing you think when you're four you just never have to change that yeah like he never had this realization there's never a moment LeBron's life where his dreams couldn't come true that's got to feel so awesome it's got to feel amazing but it also got to feel insane because you can't go anywhere that's true but I just mean like you yes I mean I don't mean getting that famous that's a whole area yeah but I just mean like just picking correctly at four yeah your light your whole life trajectory and now at 41 you got to be like I guess I got to have different life experience I guess I got to open up my horizons but you know let me ask you this though yeah do not ever think like comedy because I I loved it so much but it what but remember I told you I was insecure so I was like well I would never I can't be with these guys I can't I can't do what Kevin is doing he had all those specials and yeah yeah I was like I can't do that but I love this and I watched everything I watched everything comedied everybody's specials everything on comedy central everything whose line is it anyway everything that was that was funny on television watch SNL every week watch my TV yeah yeah yeah watch everything watch comic view death jam and I'm thankful for like my family and stuff being my parents I mean really young so I was at the baby sitter at my at my teenage cousin's house a lot this is shit you are supposed to exactly like five years old watching Charlie Barnett like pour the water on the woman in the crowd you're like what is this like you know I mean like so like I it was always something that I felt like I want it to do yeah I guess on some level I did yeah but it was the kind of thing where you just never there's no like pee we stand up no you know what I mean there was no like trying it so it was it was it was the kind of thing where I'm like I'm just jealous of that because just it must be not even jealous it must be insane yeah to not have to think about your neck like the us having this realization as children like oh I guess we're not going to be athletes. They have it in their 40s or 30s yeah that's got to be insane yeah it's got to be insane to be like like the first time we got into like literally anything like comedy being the set everyone starts wanting to be a fucking athlete yeah or like a musician or some shit right when you're a little as kid yeah exactly you want to be famous for like the basic shit and it must be cool to never have to change the first one yeah I think sports must be the eldest you did you ever because you were never a sports guy did you ever have an outlandish childish dream of what you wanted to be or do Albanians not have dreams I don't really have dreams I was just kind of like well one day I'll like you know get a solid job really you never you never had anything like crazy I guess I guess I was always interested in like comedy and some what I didn't know if I wanted to perform but I was like a big comedy nerd as a kid let's true that's true and also writing but I just know oh yeah yeah you were you were a real literary ass pussy that is true you should write a book I know I should you already have one no I don't you actually I've written a few things over the years that I like published in some small shit but I don't know I just never really I should I feel stupid because I'm like well writing there's that's like the lowest barrier to entry you don't really know about it you just have to like try hard at something it's not like millions of people are clamoring to like write and publish itself of course who knows maybe I will here you should start doing it isn't it so isn't it hilarious that the way the world has come to become
it's like, an accomplished writer has less of a demand. Like if you start producing it, if you start publishing essays as the producer of stuffies world, it would get more traction online than like a famous essay is probably. And they're like, what is the Albanian from of stuffies world? Think about fucking, I don't know, chocolate chip cookies. I know it is funny. It's like, uh, yeah, you just need like some kind of social media profile to do anything else world. It's so stupid. Yeah. So maybe I will writer that is true. You fucking love the right. That was it is good. Fuck nerd. Even it within door like our friend group was all dorks. Eldest was the biggest dork probably. You from Baltimore too. Yes, I am together. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Family moved to the county in fifth grade, but yeah, grew up in the city. You know, yeah, briefly, Eldest, Eldest, Eldest is very early childhood was the most ratchet, but then he went, he went into the burbs. I bought more. I tell you, too much work for them crabs, though. At the spot by the water was a nice vibe. They had a band come out there. Ooh, I bought, we bought like a dozen for 144 bucks, picking a little, but that's what it's about. It's not about having a, the crabs are not going to fill you. It's the experience of you have fucking 10 beers over an afternoon. The breeze is, but you know, you order some shrimp, you order some scallops also. You get some, you get some sides and then it's really the hang. The hang is what crabs are about. That was, and it was a, it was a fun hang. I get you that it was a little bit too much money for a hand. It is, it is a little much because I'm from like, I'm from Gulf Coast, Mississippi. And so like, we big, big on seafood true. And just like throwing out, putting, laying out the newspaper and just dumping. Right. And so it feels, maybe it is just as expensive, but they don't feel the boil. I don't know. I don't want to see a fuck. I had something to, I don't like those potatoes in the boil. Fucking delicious, bro. You tripping. You know, you know, you know what I would love? Boil them and then, and then finish them in a nothing. Get them, and you have them with the taste of a seafood boil. Spray them with a little avocado spray. Smash them down. Put them in a fucking air fryer or fry them. Now we're cooking with fucking gas. That ain't what we done. We're cooking with jet fuel if we're doing that. You take the shrimp, you take the shell out that shrimp, put it on top of the potato, eat them at the same time. That's a texture problem for me. I feel you. It's a big and I love all those ingredients. Some of my favorite things in the world. If you give me all those things in that boil, I still want the seafood done that way. But you, but you smash up that potato and then grill the corn. I'm so in there. Okay. I need it. I need crisp. That's, you need to be separate. There's, to me, the, the, the, the, like, southern seafood tradition feels very like for all. It's like, you have no, it's like somebody with no teeth invented it. Everything's boiled to shit. Okay. You know what I'm saying? And it's like, I just need, I need a little, I need you, I need you to give me some different textures. I will not agree with this. Especially after having seafood in Baltimore. I was, I was excited. I was open minded. Right, right, right, right. But the crab cake. Yeah. It was good. All right. It was good. But like, we got, we make that too. No one wants. Come on, man. You got, I'm, I'm sorry. I can't, I hate crawfish or fucking bugs, by the way. Yeah. Delicious. They're littlest fucking full of shit. No, you crap. Yeah. The crab is a much better type of meat. I'm just saying it's crap. You know, we got, you know, we do everything. All right. I'll give you that. You get it all out of the bucket. A hush puppy. You got to get in the mix for that stuff. Yeah. That's where you get the fried thing. Yeah. You get the fried plate and ain't nothing like some, just, I need some shrimp fries. Hush puppies. In terms of fried seafood, you will hear no qualms out of me. It's simply the boy. You like the boy that I had, that I just think with a couple tweaks, it's so good. Fair enough. Cause it's, I look, I get it. It started from just, this is your poor, it's literally poor people. Just fucking throwing a bunch of random shit in the pot. Yeah. And, and I get that, we don't have to live like that anymore. So much salt, make a horse heart pop. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. That I love. Oh, dude. See what those motherfuckers are putting in there? Come on. When they're putting fucking so much butter. Yeah. You're getting butter. It's yourself and butter. And there's that one dude I like on TikTok and YouTube who just pours all this tampeco. Oh, he goes in there. I mean, you put orange. He put lemon. He put, he boys in tampeco. He put it on them. We got that platinum ball. I love this guy. He puts tampeco. He boys and I'm, I just be looking at that shit. I'd be looking at that work. They're like, hey, you got that sketch? I mean, wait a minute. I know that, I know that tampeco got them crawfish popping. I know it's good. Hold on a second. Why the fuck would you put tampeco in there, dude? So it's easy now. I don't know what the salt, it's like a salt, sweet situation. I mean, the citrus cuts down on the salt and stuff. There is not a ounce of real citrus in tampeco. It's fucking, it's, it's, it's, you put real limits to, it's if Sunny D is too healthy for you. Yeah. It's like, it's like, tampeco. For those you don't know, tampeco makes sunny D feel like, like, tampeco to sunny D is soda to seltzer. Yeah. Like, sunny D is a light refreshing, barely sweet drink compared to tampeco punch. If you eat pancakes and you ran out of surface of house, you can pour some tampeco on it. That's how thick it is. Oh my God, dude, I used to fucking love that shit. Tampeco. You would put ice in tampeco would completely disappear. Yeah. It would complete, it would complete, you wouldn't be able, it wouldn't float. It would be, it had some weird buoyant, I don't know the, the chemistry of it, the, or, you know, whatever the molecular makeup, the buoyancy was odd. Yeah. Where the ice would float just under the surface and be completely, like Hawaiian punch, Hawaiian punch never gets cold. Yeah. But I, this is still warm. Fuck, I used to love tampeco. But putting food in it, this is, this makes, this makes, that's ridiculous. I bet you it's good. I watched it. It's something, he's explained it before. And I can't remember why he does it now. I bet there's so many chemicals that he knows the break. He's probably on top of that shit. Yeah. And he knows that it actually weirdly is a great, like, marinade for, for scientific reasons. That's what, because you do marinade stuff in like orange juice and stuff like that. So I think he just uses tampeco, maybe it was cheaper. And he finds like, wait a minute, this tastes actually really good. This got some extra stuff in it. Cause I know my dad has like put orange juice in seafood boils. In the real orange juice. Yes. Yes. Absolutely. Real juice. I'm with him 100% that is all, is that like the, the bet? What's like your, what's like a nice special occasion meal? Is that like a holiday meal, a boil or what would you, just like family getting together to get together? So like we from like, we barbecue, but like it's more about the seafood. So everything's fried. A lot of more, a lot more fried stuff. So you go to the, you go to the, we have fish fries. Yeah. Barbecues, we, we have cookouts. Oh, yeah. And it's fish fries. And you know, everybody, we don't call it the fish that day or something like that. And everybody, the, the, the, the women cook it like, yeah, sorry. As nature as nature intended. Like you bring, you go out, you catch the fish, you bring it home and your aunties and everybody's just cook it up. Yeah. And then it's perfect. You got to just fry it every day. And then you know, somebody will do a boil or something like that. Gumbo is the Christmas. Gumbo for Christmas. Hell yeah, dude. I love that. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Respect. Yeah. And the things people were talking straight, Turkey, dressing, mac and cheese, yams, corporate greens, all that, all the fixings. We do red bean and rice and also probably fried some chicken. Hell yeah, dude. Fuck yeah. I know. I honestly was mad. I remember a couple of things. The image goes like, I wish Popeyes was open. Yeah. Cause to me, whatever Turkey does, fried chicken does 1000 times. You had their Turkey. I have it. I actually have. It's pretty fucking good. It's good. But I haven't done it for like one time. I went to a Thanksgiving that had it late. So I kind of had it after, you know what I mean? It had been picked through. But it did. It did, you know, peak my interest. Yeah. But still just the ratio of fried to unfried meat is too low. A Turkey's too large. Yeah. We fried it Turkey. Like me and my dad were frying like three turkeys. Hell yeah. It's so much fun. Oh, that's fucking sick. Yeah. I'm love. I'm so. So you're so you're so you're fed. You still have a lot of family back in like, yeah, I'm more than two weeks. My dad, my whole dad's size. Still there. Gotcha. So I'm going for my low cousin's high school graduation. And there probably will be all of this stuff. I'm talking right now to celebrate that after. The fish fry is something that of everything you've said, the fish fry is the thing that really, I need to, I need to scheme on. You know, I need to figure out my own. Cause I'm a big columnari guy. Yeah. An idea of getting a nice fucking fish fry go sounds awesome. I don't know what we, we'd probably have to fry a whiting out here. Every time I like see a fish place, they always got whiting. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I think that's like, we got up here on this. There's a bunch of, there's a bunch of shit. No, you get some cod in there a little bit. I don't know if you're like a cod guy. No. No. Yeah. Yeah. To, to New England coated of a fish. Pollock. Yeah. Bob and Laskin Pollock. Sam and I don't want to fry. It's too fatty already. Yeah. I think white fish is what needs to be fried. White fish needs to be fried. It's a red snapper. Red snapper is good fried too. But we do catfish and blue gill and crappy and stuff like that. Yeah. Yeah. That's fucking awesome. Cause the, the best, the best thing Greeks have is the like barbecue and the whole lamb on a spit. That's a good idea. And I will, I keep working on Easter. But next year, I promise to have to, to host a, I've, that's the, that's the final thing I need to figure out in terms of feel like I've, I've become a man is, is, is do a whole lamb once for Easter. That would be dope. Yeah. Do you ever go to a Slovakie place? It's a, yeah. The one around here is pretty, it's okay. We order here for lunch sometime. I got it. I have to do, I used to live in Queens. So it was like the fucking, the Greek food was out of control. So good. I have to start doing some investigations.
Manhattan. I think I'm going to do it. I think I'm going to have a, I think it would be fucked up unless I have an encyclopedic knowledge of the Greek restaurants in New York. I think I need to have, I need to publish my guide for Greek restaurants in New York. And I think that that would be a big public service I could do. I will say this about the soul food here. Yeah. Yeah. This going, this going to cause a lot of problems. Yeah. And it's not, it's not my genuine, genuine, general New York hate. Yes. But every time I've tried it here, it just ain't hit like that. Yeah. I listen, I'm not going to fight you on that. You're from the south. Yeah. Like it's like anyone who would, like we, it's, it's one of those things where it's like, if somebody from fucking LA says that they haven't gotten a good burrito here. I'm not fighting them on. Yeah. It's like, I fully, fully, I, you know, it's like even the like even my, in my very limited experiences of like having like the famous, you know, going to Harlem and having like the famous fried chicken spot versus the famous New Orleans fried chicken spot. It's like, it ain't the same. It's just not the same. It ain't the worst thing I've ever eaten. That is good. Yeah. But people, the, the, the dinner pissed me off about New York. And with food stuff is like, I'll say that. I'll be like, man, I just haven't had like a really good soul food meal. And people go, dude, you live in Brooklyn. Just get some Jamaican food. I said, bitch, I didn't ask for that. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. If I said I wanted to make it food, I get that. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Well, it is funny for them to sort of basically in their head, making the argument of like, he's just, he means black food. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. We do have good black food here. It's great. It's creepy. It's fantastic. I didn't ask for that. Oh, fuck. I'm like a Jamaican patty every now and then. The patty's nice. I didn't grow up like just like housing Jamaican food. So it's not like my, it's not go to, like, I'll eat it. I'm not saying it's bad enough. But I like, it ain't just, it ain't like, it don't hit the spot that I'm trying to hit when I'm trying to hit that spot. Yeah. I know. I mean, my, I, as a kid one time, because my dad, he did a lot of his business. He was a carpenter. He, he repaired a lot of restaurants. One time as a kid, and sometimes he would just bring random shit from restaurants home. Like they, like one time he had like a bucket of marish, you know, cherries. It was the greatest greatest thing. It was a fat seven year old. You kidding me? Before they, they, they, they, they're, I remember when they sat down to tell me like, by the way, in the back fridge, there's like, I had already known about them. I don't really housed half the fucking thing. I didn't pretend I didn't know. But one time, and sometimes you would bring home like, you know, cases of like, like, we always had that frozen gyro meat in my house. Like, those little strips, the, like, low grade gyro, whatever. But I had that all the time. But one time I had no, and we had no cultural. I was not like the only other cuisine I knew about any of the cultures. It was like Chinese and pizza. That was it. One time a box of Jamaican patties just appeared. Just I guess the rest of some restaurant he was working for just gave him to him. And it was like a weird oasis. And like what, they appeared. I was like nine. For years, I thought I like imagined. And then I remember finding them in college and being like, this is the fucking best day of my life. I didn't even know what they were. And there's no internet. You can like, you can't Google like yellow pocket of beef. My dad gave me when I was 10. Like that. It was, and it was just beautiful getting to re, reintroduce to the patties for sure. But did you ever get in trouble for doing some fat shit? Like for me, it was when I discovered putting cake icing on graham crackers. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. We call that a homemade Dunkaroo. Yeah. We call that bro. We call that a Dunkaroo from scratch. My grandma, she thought she had that icing in the fridge and went to go putting on a cake like she was making a cake for something. She thought she said, I know you, I know you fucking life. And she knew exactly who had done it over like, it was probably was over like three months, you know, that I had just, and I'm like, it's this ain't going to bother. It's going bother nobody. It's been in here. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's been in here. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Like, who's caring about this? I never see anybody use it. I never see anybody go for it. Nobody ever uses it. Uh-huh. It was the vanilla cream cheese icing. And I had some graham crackers. Oh. And once I made it, I put it on white bread. Yes. And made a sandwich out of that. That was some real. Oh, that's awesome stuff. Right. That was another reason why they made me play football. Especially because we're talking about, there's probably how many cousins that it could have been theoretically. The fact that they knew it was you, they knew it was me. Yeah. They knew it was me. I used to eat peanut butter and jelly sandwiches with no peanut butter. I did not like peanut butter as a kid. I did not. It was just jelly and bread. So were you at the like, we of the of the cousin power rankings? Were you with the, were you at the bottom, would you say? Yeah. I was the baby. Yeah. Oh, you were the baby. I was the baby. I was like a baby in the family, not by a ton. Like because I have like my cousin Jonas, a one year older me, my cousin Nick is two years older than me. But like I was the baby. I was coddled. Yeah. And my mom had me young. So after everybody was like mad at her for getting pregnant. Right. Right. They made me like, we have to protect their race. And it was nothing but women around. And so I was coddled. And then like, once I got to like seven and was running around the house. Like I said, being goofy and of course doing jokes and singing and stuff like that. He was like, I don't know. He need to go. He need to play football. I guess they probably did. They probably, you know, they're happy. You know, because you are, you were both goofy and you know, you can turn out to be a fucking coward or anything like that. They really don't know what I do now. Yeah. So it is, it's kind of okay. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. They really, they're like, hey, he's, he ain't asking us for no money. Yeah. Yeah. We don't need any follow up. But that is true. It's very hard to explain like, especially TV writing. Yeah. Yeah. It's like in podcasts. Those are two of the like, fakes things to explain anyone. Well, how do I listen to it? I go, don't. Yeah. Please never. No, don't listen for the love of God. Never do. I'm so lucky. There's a great. I mean, the language barrier is not that. I mean, my Greek family understands English. Yeah. But still, there's so, there's so many hours of just like talking in English. Yeah. I'm so happy. It's not in Greek. I'm so happy. It's not that accessible to them. Yeah. Because some of, yeah, you know, just say, wild shit. They're like the only things that my family will see me on is like the most random shit I did. Hey, man. Hey, man, I got the new job, right? And we had to watch the training video. Man, that's you in that. I'm like, I did a, I did, like corporate training videos for like 60 bucks a day in 2009. And they still play them. I look 20 years younger. That's fucking hilarious. And they, and they still playing them like, they're like, man, I saw you in that thing. Man, I, man, I was, I was, I was fixing some lighting at the Scientology building. I saw you. Because I did some, I did some Scientology. I used to do all of them like actors access doing a Scientology videos and corporates and you're telling people about their fucking seating levels and shit. Yeah. I remember I played like an African dignitarium one where like, I was standing there and I was like yelling at one of my cohorts. Were you doing the voice? Were you doing the will Smith? Yeah. What's all you doing? The truth. Yeah. But it was like, they didn't use it. It was just like for like, you know, Scientology brings us together. Like, and it was, yeah. And it was, and it was like me and it was like, you can still, and I'm like, what is this? What's this? And they like hand me Dianetics. And I'm like, oh, thank you. Yes. And it cures you of your African anger. It can call me even the most rembunctious Africans. That's the power of Scientology. I am okay now. Thank you John Travolta. That's really what I used to do. I should for that's I was making money when I first started corporate videos where I'm like, the guy who is like standing at the water cooler being like, damn, she let those titties are looking great today. I can smell your pussy from here. And daddy likes. Was Craig wrong about this? He always has like those generic black names. Of course, of course. Yeah. Yeah. Was was done of him. Matt wrong to say that to Sheila. Yeah. I mean, I had, I basically just wrote for a dog like a bad website, but I did not have any crazy bad. I was just doing so, I was just like doing dumbass stand up and then and then podcasting. Yeah, podcast. Salute. Salute. Salute. Salute. I still cannot believe how this happened. I still can't believe. Because it's like, you know, you have those shitty first few years for me. It was New York for your L.A. And then it was like, just podcast started making money. I was like, oh, I guess this will be good. This is paying my rent. And then I was like, whoa, what the fuck? Yeah. I guess this is how people fucking do everything now. And it's different from me because I don't do like stand up, like on my on my own stuff, like an improv doesn't tour that much. Yeah. But like I still say you, you, you gave us a Mitch need to fucking put together. We've been talking, we've been in a group chat talking about it for four years. That would be I'm going to make you mother fuckers do this. It pisses me off that you guys don't tour on your own. We should make the money yourselves instead of like, you know, any type of group stuff is all great. But it's like, that's the best, that's the best part about stand up. It's one fucking guy and then you pay L this $20 a day, you know, without the whole your suitcases and set up the cameras and it's fucking awesome. People, yeah, now we definitely should. Sorry, you were saying like, yeah, just just, uh,
Because I don't because I'm not so front facing it because a lot of the TV work I've done like comedy podcasts Nurse don't watch right and so like they'll like hear about me being at SNL now and go man You really made it right so happy to see all your successes, right? And I go I've been successful for like yeah I've been doing I was I was on the show. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. No, I know the even like dude acting like that's what people They just kind of start putting me in movies another thing. I don't really understand but begonia was people were like dude Congratulations, and it took me wrong incredibly cool, but it's like If I had to choose between being in that movie and pod and what pod cat well who is affected my life more Podcasting or being in an Oscar nominated film. Yeah, it's not even close Yeah, it wouldn't even be a hard choice to be like which would you choose it's like Years of me saying the most embarrassing things in the world on record. Yeah, it's been better for me than being in a movie With the best actors in the world 100% that has helped me and it's not even fuck is what I mean That's the like the the level of which shit is changed now. Yeah, where I mean As people will see me pop into a sketch. I'll be playing a bailiff here in a I've seen you play a bailiff maybe like 800 times Every time I'm watching a comedy related thing and a bailiff comes on like oh dude, it's car Well, I'll do that on the show and people will be in my deans like I saw you on the show, bro Oh my god I'm like you made it you did it and I go bitch there are Seasons and seasons on peacock Yeah, dude, what you know whatever whatever as long as we don't have to have real jobs. Yeah Yeah, let's go check. What was your first ever like real job or like the or maybe either first or last before you I worked there right eight. Okay, I'll tell you last one, too. I worked there. I worked there right a for for an Break during while I was in college, okay, and man we ate so much ice cream For those of you who don't know right a the grocery store But like on the west coast they merged with they bought out this company called thrifty Which has crazy ice cream really good ice cream and it's like 50 has their fucking that little Malt, yeah, the malt one and it's like calories aren't so bad. No, not so it's real good I didn't realize they emerged. Yeah, I didn't know that I was long. Yeah, that was interesting in the 90s They I mean when I first when I first moved to LA they still had thrifties and say savon and they're right They bought them out and our right a gone that that that that places gone now, but I worked there Drifty gone as well. Yeah, yeah, because I don't even think they have the ice cream anymore. Yeah, I think it's gone Or maybe somebody tried to buy it out or something Damn dude, but uh, this up else do some fucking producer. Yeah, but then I worked at I worked at UCLA in the maintenance department for a couple years Yeah, yeah, and the fucking I had a uniform on. Yeah, I was good will hunting I was the same I was the same ages all the college kids Didn't matter probably like that's wrong. That's so wrong You go outside the improm the improv club. Yeah, and you're like that was the wrong. Yes, and that was the wrong You know, I was doing that when I first started doing the improm that my last job Before I got my first entertainment job 2016 first long term entertainment job because I had done a little bit before that But and I was doing background for years. Yeah, but my last real job was I was a balancer at this bar called Barney's Beanery Hell yeah, it's super popular now. It was it was a degenerate place when I was working And I worked at the one in Burbank and the one in Pasadena and I was yeah, I was a balancer and they were like send us over to the other one Like right now the Santa Monica one is like one of the most popping spots in LA. Yeah, yeah, I'm not Santa Monica city But Santa Monica was Hollywood and They was send us over to like, you know, oh, we it's slow over here. So I'm still a rebound over. Yeah, yeah, but I was a balancer there And then I was bouncing there when I got the Mad TV reboot fuck yeah, dude, and I was still working and I kept calling off my shift and the manager was like, bro You got a you got a quit or something like you leaving me hanging like yeah, you can't call me on a Friday at four being like, yeah It's gonna go late tonight. Yeah, yeah, so I quit It's fun with would you go straight from filming to bouncing? Yeah, absolutely Yeah, and all for the opportunity to tell it on a podcast like yeah, but yeah I would I would leave I would leave work and and go do my and do you ever about who's ever bounced you ever fucking toss anybody out? DJ jazzy Jeff slide. Yeah, I so there's definitely times I got one story and I think the statute of limitations is up But um there was one time these these cops used to come in because they were played softball Yeah, and they would come in and eat pizza Like burnings had pizza. They were just like eating watch games or whatever and one night they brought one guy in and I didn't realize that he was also a cop, but like He was drunk off his ass like crazy drunk and he's fucking with people Mm-hmm, and but these guys were regulars and they were cool and they were caught like so like that, you know It's just like all right, man. Just watch it. Yeah, and you back the blue like all the way back to me now that you back the blue I will walk over to their table and hand in their chili and go y'all lives matter y'all But this dude was tripping out and I saw him like tripping on somebody one time and it was a woman that was there And I walked over like hey, man. We all good here, you know, I was nice and and And it was yeah, we're good. Yeah, leave us alone like I'm like all right Well, I left that slide But also and again, I didn't know this guy was caught cuz the other guys had left. Oh, they took off and he stayed there and he was talking to this woman And that's a problem. Yeah Yeah, when they're like when the problem is the one who stays. Yeah, yeah, I think they just let he must not have been friends with them Or something like that or they just like he just like join a team that night and then He left they all left him there and then They he next thing I look up and he's got his hands around his woman's neck So I go over for now. So like you're out. You're done And I think they knew each other. Okay, they didn't know each other And yeah, and I'm like that's it. You're done. Yeah, full Nelson get him out Talks him out bartender homie my homie will Jump's over the bar. We both get this dude out. She comes out like what are you doing the stop? It's okay. It's okay. It's okay Well, block next day. Yeah, we sent him on like you're done Like y'all bokeh get out of here like it's over with we sent him on Next thing you know Somebody comes for the patio. I was like yo man that dudes get into a fight outside. Oh my god. Her dad pulled up Her dad jumped out the van going at it with this dude. Oh, it's still on bar property. So we got a brand like what oh, what? Oh, what? What's called a cop's called a cop's so we can we call rings. Yeah, we call it he's the only cop it down and then he starts We pull him off she gets in the van like with with her dad they pull off a Lee shit And dad comes in. Yeah, yeah, and he's sitting there lecturing us and This like really put me in a mind like sometimes what cops be like fake it Because he's lecturing me and my boy because we like standing in front of him now, and he's like and you guys you guys hate us Shoking a woman in your bar is trying to become morally superior to you. You hate us because because I call you the end word Well, you hate me. I'm protecting you. I'm protecting you from yourself I'll say oh, this is the psyche Yeah, that's what I found out he was a cop cuz I got scared. I was like I like got this doing full-nelson push him out like I was like no, I was like I'm done man I ain't gonna be able to drive through Glendale and all what my ass and And like he he was he was lecturing us and I was like getting into the and I'm like oh that's what they like they're like You you guys are the real threat and good ones like you I'm protecting you so you get mad at me because we got to rough up right because this is around the time of like Mike Brown Of course like there's like 2016 and Which is like also completely had nothing to do with the situation nothing he was just a piece of shit patron You had no idea nobody as far as I know nobody in the story was black It was all white on white crime And he was He so the cops came and they're trying to arrest him and he starts resisting like a mother fucker Oh, like he starts fucking fight back like punch like this like a lady cop this is a real problem with women Cuz he jammed the lady cop against the door other cops are come out and it is and now we just stand there like we not involved in this and and like as much as I hate like police brutality They finally got this dude on the ground and one of the other cops just went Got his ass and I was like get his ass get his ass Shouldn't have been resisted mother fucker Shouldn't have been resisted you got to get him and then I had to like go to court for that and everything because I was like one of the main Witnesses of course holy shit. Yeah, and what happened to him dude? I don't know and I do not care you don't care Yeah, I don't know that's been that's been I was I was already like by the time The court case came I was already you were done at the job I literally was in the writers room for this show called Brock Meyer that I wrote. Yeah, this Hankers area baseball show Yeah, and I got a call from a detective and I was like if you could just give me a call back and it's about an incident that happened at Barney's being a read two years ago
- That's fucking wild, dude. - So I hope that's a okay story to tell. I think it should be, but it has been a long time. - It's fun. - But now I've reupped my clock. I'm not being able to drive through Glendale. - Yeah, you talking about me? - My guess is that guy was disciplined and he did some counseling and he's really changed his waist. - And that's what the court vibe was. He was crying and was like, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, "I wasn't in a good place that night." - I don't know, you missed me with that blue shit, man. I don't care much of the fucking apology. - That's fucking awesome. - Yeah. - That's beautiful, man. Well, hopefully our callers have some questions about-- - Oh hell yeah. - At least bouncing people, police brutality, what have you. I'll just give you some calls, little buddy. - Hold on, real quick. Some happy news. Thriftie ice cream is still in business. - Oh, that's great to hear. - They were acquired by an invest-- Hillrod Holdings, an investment group formed by executives work at Monster Energy. - Oh, interesting. Ice cream must be different. Thriftie is now in the control of Monster Energy drink. - Interesting. - They owe something else too, that's not the energy drink. They owe something else that's like, oh, like Hansen's, remember to help, like what was supposed to be healthy soda, but it actually still had like 40 grams of sugar. Hansen's, that they would sell that whole food. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - I think that was also Monster Energy drink. - Interesting. - Like some of them pipes getting crossed. - Well, I'm usually not a fan of corporate acquisitions. - Yeah. - But let's keep Thriftie alive as long as possible. - Keep Thriftie ice cream alive. - Yeah, keep the corporate Thriftie going. - Sylinder, they had these iconic scoops that were like flat on the top. - Ooh, see, I know it solely as a prepackage point. And I gotta say the malt, I go to bat four. - I want it right now, see if there's any around. Google Thriftie malt ice cream near me. - And it can be like, dude, just eat Jamaican ice cream. (laughing) - Play some calls, little buddy, while you do that. - Hey StarVay, hey eldest, hey guest. So, my wife and I have started doing an only fans, she is on the smaller side and I'm on the larger side. Problem is, is I keep rubbing up against her IUD string. And it's like causing a lot of friction, obviously. - How do we know they have an only fans now? - Yeah, true. - So, she has been telling me that she's gonna take it out but she wants me to get a bisectomy. I am 28, ideally, I don't want to have to do that while I'm the Cersei, right? But yeah, that's basically my question is, should I get a bisectomy? She won't go on any other kind of birth control if she gets this taken out. And I can't afford to keep popping out children. We have to already, and we're not planning on having any more. - Why do you want to get a bisectomy? - Let me know. Sorry, that was so short. - Yeah. - She prefer short. - Hopefully this is not a free one 'cause I don't. - All right, we got it, shut the fuck up. (laughing) So, so his issue is, he has, now that him and his wife have it only for hands, the people demand cream pies, is what I'm hearing, 'cause that's the only reason he would have to mention the only fans. There's no, in fact, he didn't need to mention the only fans, but it seems that his, his, the, what we can infer here is that he has to noten his wife 'cause that's what makes money, I guess. Otherwise, why would you give a fuck? - Why would you care? Yeah. You could've just said, my wife wants me to get a bisectomy. - Right. (laughing) - I could've been so. - So, okay. So the thing rubs up, the little string cuts his cock 'cause his wife, IUD, his cock is huge. He has to brag about his huge dick and his wife's little pussy. But I'll show my dick's bleeding right now from that. (laughing) Right now. - What is, can't, and we had calls about this, can't you get that shit trimmed? - And can't you get it in your arm too? - The IUD? - Yeah. - I don't know that. - But she only wants that one, which, her right. - Yeah. - It's also your right to not wanna get a bisectomy. - And then, but then you wanna hear the most heartbreaking thing possible. That's, if you're both standing your ground, you're gonna start, you're gonna start using cons with the woman you have two kids with, can you think of a fate worse than that? That's insane. Hey, so look dude, it's up to you. Why do you have this weird, well, I'm only 28, I should get a bisectomy. He says he's already, he's planning not to have kids again. - Yeah. - He also, when he asked to put it on the free episode, he was like, I'm not on the Patreon. My kids are expensive enough as it is. So, which is also like, did you guys just start this only fans? Is that money coming in? - Yeah, the only fans is just, he wanted to brag. - Yeah. - Also, it's like, yeah, is it making money is a really great question, oldest? Because it's like, if it's not, what are we even doing? - I hear that Mountain Dew helps with this issue. - Oh, true. Oh, that's a good point. Put a bunch of, sit on a bunch of hot, get some Jamaican patty, sit on that. - Yes, some Jamaican patty's, sit on them. - Right, get your nuts hot. Sit in the hot tub, every day. - Hot tub while you're drinking ice cold Mountain Dew? - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. - What else is bad for you? Look up stuff bad for yours. - Oh, you should know this, you were trying to juice your nut. What's good, what's bad for a sperm? - I mean, yours, for me, you know? - I wasn't told this would be bad. - Be very fat, here's a terrible diet. Smoke weed a lot, bird. McDonald's. - 10, 15 years. Drink a lot. - Dingerheads. - My juice must be so low quality right now. I'm on 100 MGs, basically, every day. That shit must be swimming slow as fuck, dude. - We, maybe this isn't the story to tell. - Yeah, man, whatever. - You wanna, yeah. - There was a mutual friend of ours who I had a conversation with when we were talking about not getting morning wood anymore. - Yes, yes, yes. - And it was something good. - Oh, no, it's a story to tell, don't worry. This is the right pod. - And I got nervous because I had stopped thinking about it. - Right. - And I was like, well, when I'm stimulated, if I have a bed guest on my bed, I'm good. I'm still good to more, unless I'm too tired. - And I'm like, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. - Sometimes I'm sleepy. - I'm sleepy. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - But if it, but if, if like, I ain't never had a problem with it. - Right. - And, but then I started paying attention to it every morning. - Tracking it. - Even when it was a day journal. - Like, that's what, like, started making me like slow down drinking. Cause I was like waking up and being like, I should own worm right now. Goddamn it. - Like, fuck, dude. That's very funny. Starting a little chart that's like smiley face forowny face. Every morning if you're dick is harder, it's not. - But this guy's problem basically is like, look, what, if you, if you don't plan on having any other kids, a vasectomy does seem like an okay solution here. If you didn't have kids, I would say don't get one. - Yeah. - And, but if you, if you're already had kids and aren't planning on having any other ones, and you just have some weird emotional rejection of getting a vasectomy, we're here to tell you that you don't need to do that. - No. - Or, and if you're really, really, you know, worried about it, free some jizz, I guess. Can you do that? - I think so. - Yeah, if you, if you already got two kids, and you're like, we not planning on having more, and this is your lady for life, and y'all, y'all add it, like, yeah, get them a vasectomy. It probably doesn't hurt at all. I am scared to get one, but I also want to have kids. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - But like, it is, like, I'm fine with wearing a condo. - Yeah, yeah. - I will, I would, if I was in this position, I would get a vasectomy, no problem. - Yeah. - That seems actually kind of nice. Knowing you can never get anybody pregnant after you're done having kids, seems just like a good, just kind of good general business, I would say. - Yeah, a good way to, a good way to behave. Next question, Eldis. Uh-oh, what the hell? What the hell's going on? Holy fuck. It's time to fucking keep it, fucking twisted. - Keep it twisted. - With fucking twisted teeth. It's time for the fucked up ass mother fucking question of the week you want, yeah, you can have this if you want. - You don't have to drink. - Yeah, sure. I'll take a sip. - I'll, I'll break fast. Oh, no, no, you're, you're on intermittent fasting, please. Just put it, just put it on the table, look. We love twisted teeth here, but we love, you know, we love the fat diet, our plus size friends are on this week. Even more. - It's the twisted ass fucked up ass mother fucking ass question of the week. Of course, Carl, as you know, in this summer, it's extra twisted and mother fucking ass fucked up 'cause we got the summer party pack, baby. We're talking original half and half rocket pop and the new twisted lemonade. - Yeah. - And a really nice element that I love. That's right, the new twisted lemonade. It comes in a red color changing can. It is only available in the summer party pack. - Oh. - Ooh, you got to keep it extra twisted with this new summer party pack. Holy shit, eldest, what's this week's fucked up mother fucking twisted ass question of the week? - All right, hey, what's up Stavvy? I have a bit of a moral dilemma and I need a little bit of your council of Greek philosophers. So in June, my five year old daughter has a dance recital. It's important she's been practicing the whole thing. She's been going to dance for a bit. But it also happens to be the same weekend as the biggest professional wrestling death match tournament in the next video.
the world. Come on man, take place in Atlantic City. Basically like the super bowl of natural. So ball is real. So also a tradition we get for me and my friend, he's a sober. So I get absolutely loaded while he responsibly makes sure I don't die. Oh, okay. It's a great system. But my kid, like I mentioned, she flies and we have things just about every month or every other week, dancing, school things, soccer. Oh, you mean, hold on. I think we're describing as being a parent. And you know, every day we feed her and I never make her pay for anything. I've sent her no Venmo request. I get every launch. Keep going. That happens a lot. And generally if I'm invited or if it is an occasion I can go to, I will. So I asked my wife about it. She said it was okay, but in that, you know, it could go either way with her. And you know, I figured she'd be okay with it. But and my kid doesn't really remember things. She's five. I don't expect her to remember this one. One guy's awesome. This is the least objective. Like this is the, this is the most fucking unreliable narrator we've ever heard for anything ever. I'm sure your wife and child both are like, yeah, dude. Oh, yeah, no. So I'll go to the end, dude. Of course, get fucked up. I'll get fucked up and watch. I guess it sounds like low grade professional wrestling. Yeah. Sounds like the kind where they still let them like cut each other with fucking razors for it. Yeah. Like you're real bricks. That's not a WrestleMania. He's talking about something called deathmatch wrestling. Look this up. This is what the fuck deathmatch wrestling is. Anyway, finishes call to. You know, another hundred. But I'm sitting here like is that bad if I miss one real bad for deathmatch wrestling? I mean, I'm gonna tell my daughter I'm working, which is technically and, you know, spiritually. No, you're not. Yeah, I'm wondering. No, you're not at all. What do you mean spiritually? You're working. You're having the best time of your fucking life. Or a monster. You're not a monster. You're a fucking loser. Oh, we'll tell you the truth. Chief. You think I'm gonna fucking mince words when a wrestling fan asks if he should go to his daughter's recital or get or go to death. What is deathmatch wrestling? All this is anything specific. It's even faker than the WWE. Yeah. Or even like TNA. You're like, you know, one of those other ones. I mean, now I will say now I'm, I think that's probably a pretty fun thing to go. Sure. Low level pressure wrestling is actually more fun than I like. We went to some. I went to some WWE stuff from my brother's bachelor party. Yeah. We wanted to some wholesome shit. He's not a strip club guy. So we did like, you know, went to some basketball games. We went to WWE. We had a fun. You know, it was just fun. I bet you that's fun as shit. So, you know, sorry for the shots at deathmatch wrestling. Yeah. But the thing that pisses me off the most about this. Here's where you're really not keeping it twisted. Part of the keep it twisted ethos is not lying to yourself and lying to your friends. All right. You, I despise that you wouldn't just give me the facts of the matter here. That you're, you're trying to tell me what really pissed me off when he said he was technically working. Yeah. That's just a pure lie. Yeah. In no way are you working. You're fully, you are fully just ignoring your family responsibilities to do the opposite of working, which is fine, but don't lie to me. And I, I feel like I'm being lied to throughout this whole thing. I think you are really underplaying how much they would care. And so I'm just going to, instead of listening to you and you're reporting, I'm just going to summarize the facts. A grown man who complains that there's pretty much something to do every week with his daughter and claims that a five year old, not a one year old, doesn't remember things. A five year old remembers. Especially the recital. Like, this isn't a soccer game. This isn't a dance practice. This is the thing she's, he even said himself, she's been practicing for months. And you're saying it's like, I just think, dude, you and your fucking friend can go, okay, you're missing the WrestleMania of deathmatch wrestling. Yeah. How about go to the summer slam of deathmatch wrestling this year and get drunk as fuck? How about just any other weekend than the weekend your fucking daughter is doing a rehearsal is the weekend you get fucked up with your friend? That's what tipped me off too. When he said, my friend is sober. I was thinking he's going to say something like, so this is an event that we do together. We're standing somewhere. No, he said, and so he's going to be able to keep me, make sure I don't die. So this is it. This isn't fun for anybody but you. You're a burden on everyone in this story. Yeah, I mean, look, you're keeping it way too fucking twisted. You want to keep, because part of again, the keep it twisted ethos is drinking responsibly. And you've already talked about not drinking responsibly. That's one thing I know twisted T would never stand for. Okay. So right now, you're keeping it way too fucking twisted. Grow up, you fucking pussy. You have a daughter. I'm sorry, you can't watch fucking grown men shatter the collagen in their shoulders for your enjoyment. I'm sorry, you have to fucking make sure your daughter becomes a purse, a well, you know, a well-rounded person who has no psychological issues with men or authority figures. Just go to the fucking important recital. And from now on, the stuff your kids do, your kids big, your dumb ass should think of your daughters recital as this now. These are your super bulls, dude. And by the way, doesn't that make you, aren't you? We seeing your kids do shit should be what parents want to do. Yes, it'd be fun, right? Seeing my dude, I can't wait to go to my nephew's fucking. He's one and a half when that motherfucker has baseball or soccer games or I know my brother wants to put him in jujitsu and wrestling and shit like that. I'm going, I can't wait to go to that little motherfucker's meetups. And I get it. You're their parent. I'm the uncle. I fly. I get to fly in for the fun stuff. You're their day to day. I get it. I get it. But still, I would say if this is a big, if this is the big recital, you have to go. If, now if it was a soccer game and you miss one and you, but you're at all the other ones, you fine, dude. But it's like your kids big events are now the biggest events in your life. She's been practicing for it. She's been practicing you fucking animal. You got to be, you got to bring the grill and have some wings on the grill. Exactly. All tailgale. Dude, tailgating a kid's thing. Yeah. I started, yeah, I saw a tweet somebody was talking about like, why don't we start tailgating movies. And I was like, dude, that sounds awesome. That kind of, when we saw speed racer, imagine if we had a grill going before we're smoking weed and eating fucking, you know what I mean? Like pork chops right before going to the internet before Michael. That would be a great one. Because that's not really a movie. That's more of like a shitty YouTube video like an AI. It's an AI were like upscale of old Michael Jackson stuff. You loaded on wings and twisted tea. Exactly. Exactly. How good would it be to be? Yeah, having, yeah, here's what you do, buddy. You, it ain't wrestling, but why don't you pre-gave your daughter's recital responsibly with some ice cold twisted teas. Keep it twisted. Keep it twisted, but not too twisted. And go to your daughter's recital or you're a piece of shit. That's so fucking awesome. Oh, fuck. Oh, we're leaving the twisted zone. Yeah. We kept it fucking twisted. What else we got, eldest? Hi, sovy baby. Hello, hello. Hello. I am calling with a take from a good issue. Kind of in a background. I've been with my husband for nine years. We've been married for six and we have a two-year-old daughter. Nice. We have an active and fulfilling sex life, but something recently put me off in a weird way. Okay. I sit in my house in a series of titty pictures. And we affect the look at what he had replied. All he had done was open them, didn't save them, didn't heart react, didn't just any response. So I thought maybe my photos inspired some impromptu jerking session. So I said, not even a thank you. She responded, that will in a. Oh, I respect that. I said, what is funny? He said, my reaction was funny, but I was being ridiculous. I asked him about it the next day. He got defensive and was annoyed that I wanted some sort of breakfast and breakfast. Interesting. Because the news photos I sent him told me why do I have to say them? Why do I have to say anything? I'm not obligated. Wow. This is crazy. This is a crazy line in the sand to draw. Yeah. Which a wife with your wife. Oh no. And I'm my baby. I don't have the best rack ever. This is being a bad hug. This is what you have now done has made your wife insecure yeah it's that you're because it's done first of all it's rude
Correct us. Yeah. Yeah, let us see this here and I will say in general We are always open to looking at tits on this podcast. So we will look at them and we'll say nice tits You know anyway finish up elders Back ever especially after breastfeeding For him to respond to my titty pictures with something nice. No like so sexy of those titties I mean something I know he's an obligator to do anything, but I don't know Let me now study baby. Love you. This actually this breaks my heart. That's pretty me. This is so mean Like I can't fathom Not even a listen. You got a heart react. Yeah at the absolute least Yeah, if your office is on fire and you're being rescued by firefighters Like if you're if you're being hoisted over a stronger man shoulder and you and your wife sent you some titty pictures and you're busy You got even in that case you send her a heart react. Yeah, the heart react is for when there's an emergency and emoji The hierarchy is bespoke You know written sentence back maybe trying to get some fucking, you know getting getting frisky some text some sexting That's the highest thing you do is get horny enough to start sexting immediately, right? Second horny is a second best is like a slightly less horny, you know texture ply then You hit her with an emoji and the or at the very bottom of the hierarchy is a simple heart react simple Are you for you got to hit I send back a gift not a gift Well, you can send back the gift of the 1930s wolf the wolf's class and yeah, yeah, the tongue out class I send pictures that I've seen on Twitter. There's there's one picture that I like to send of of skip bailess Getting into a ice bath where he looks like he's in the bus in the night There's a picture of a guy who's doing a cock push up with his both his arms are to the side like I'm so hard I could do a push up. You gotta say that that's good. You go. Yeah, I'll send those two I mean, I will say this from from this like after I'm been in therapy and stuff, but as a Emotionally unavailable guy in the past. I have to admit to it. Sure I definitely have gotten a text from somebody and I'm like I got to say nothing to you right right right hearing that you do that to your wife wife is way the mother of your children Even if you but also listen wife a text is also different than nude. Yes, nude is like You got it. You got to come on man Exactly. I'm thinking of the type of person I would risk. I would ignore a nude from it's a woman who's ruined my life before yes That's whose nude you ignore because they know that's the most potent guaranteed to get a reaction you know Form of correspondence that exists. Yeah, so for a husband to get the most the most guaranteed response Message from his wife and he's basically treating you the way we would treat women. We hate. Yeah Yes, and that's fucking crazy. Yeah, because even somebody that I don't I have no even if somebody says me there are titties And I have no intention of sucking those titties. I'll give them a heart react. I'll say nice. I'll give them something This is I think this we don't want to be over dramatic here. Yeah, but this is actually a really bad sign I think do you I'll just you're the only one who committed relationship here if you were to send the cockpink hilariously or to receive some kind of It doesn't have to be a nude but any kind of horny correspondence. There's no way in the world you would ignore that would you? I couldn't imagine I couldn't imagine like not responding at all waiting for her to ask for a response and then like Yeah, just being completely flipping about it when she expresses like you know Morse or sadness. I just basically ignored it. It's crazy. This is crazy. This is crazy behavior So we're just letting you know You don't don't be gaslit. It is not to not give you at minimum a heart especially especially like just from her insecurity about breast Reading. Yeah, right. They have a two-year-old. They probably not fucking the last couple of years It's a really hard time for women like our friends who have had kids when they're when they're like two and younger Your as a mom you feel bad like you're so overworked with the baby and your body's taken a beating from having it Yeah, so this is maybe arguably the worst time in your life for your husband to be treating you like this Yeah, that is a red flag unfortunately and that straight-up gas like to to to respond with LMAO as if y'all been dating for two months Like that is that's a wild thing and I just like you said don't be not to be dramatic But I could hear the hurt in her voice absolutely and that's bro. You got to be better and I'm not trying to be we're not like we're not These guys either necessarily I am not we've probably between us probably mistreated plenty of women. Yes, but this level even we can't go stand behind You got it. You got to stop. You got it. You got it now. Let me play Devils Sure for one moment. What you know, that's why I'm going to you for the long because I could see long term being a little Different he maybe he's also overworked. Anyway, I won't take Devils. I haven't get from you. Go ahead. I'll just you know Have you guys barely been fucking has he been like making advances that you know You just you just have been like rejecting because you're busy with a kid life work whatever the fuck Has there been like is there like some kind of recent history of something like that where you know You're you're throwing up. I'm horny flair right and he's just like, oh, I've barked up this tree recently You know nothing's a comment not not that that you know you're going red pill Sula right now not that that not that alleviates him But is there something of that? I'd be curious to know like what the dynamics are the last couple years That's true. She did and now and also I see what you're saying I don't think that's the devil's advocate position though. I think the devil first of all I would say LMAO If I were to get an LMAO back, it would should be like LMAO my bad I saw them and then I had to do something immediately like that was a great you know whatever But I think the the devil's advocate position is like He's also overworked. He's also like it was more of like a right now You guys have have shifted into more of like a Unfortunately, almost please although even though she said they have a good sex life when it's the kid You know when it's a baby. You're almost like a team. That's kind of trying to survive day-to-day I don't know but even that am I I'm trying to find this argument. It's half-hearted. I can't find it. Yeah because your argument is You're explaining the behavior, but what you're saying is he's being passive aggressive because he didn't get something he wanted Which is not a good sign. Yeah, and if they're living in a if their sex life is taking a hit or maybe I think the argument is maybe She perceives their sex life to be healthy, but he's not as as happy with it But the what you do is not Ignore her sexual advances if that's how you feel you let her know and If you're trying to get the get it going you can't react that way when she gets sexual Yeah, then in fact, that's the opposite thing because now we see we hear it She's more insecure. She's gonna put out less. It's just it is a red flag Because this is exactly what you would do to like kind of punish your wife unfortunately Unfortunately, this is the behavior of someone who is resentful and is hurting her in a way that is acceptable right he couldn't like, you know Stop doing his half of the chores or whatever or like stop but he can be like oh come on you're being ridiculous In within their private sex life where no one where no one else is really a party to That's where you can do a lot of gaslighting when you're being when you're being resentful That's why I think it's a red flag. Yeah, that was nuts. Yeah, I mean ultimately I agree you know I try you know me and my wife are playful, but I try to make my relationship The one relationship in my life for sure where I won't let like irony creep in the world just like stop You know yes, I'm higher life. If stop sent me a text. That's like oh dude. I'm so fucking proud of this thing I'd be like wow you're a fucking pussy Hey, man, really proud of the work you put in this tour. We've been doing so great It's nothing but the top if we keep doing trying our hardest. I love you so much man. I can't fathom texting you But you that's that's what you want to talk to me. Oh, you're gay But your wife when your wife is sending you her titties you do not send the LMA Exactly if I sent you my dick you would respond LMA. Oh, you're being weird for wanting a response That's actually he's responding like his boys send him their nuts Big big project want me to say about these And that's a huge huge issue. Oh man. So yeah, sorry. I think unfortunately it is as bad as you think it is But you know we're bring it up and in terms of advice You know, you could say like hey, you know, it did hurt my feelings And if he if he's like I'm sorry, I didn't realize it was this serious and apologizes good And if he's like you're being really fucking ridiculous and if he just doubles and triples down that's a really bad
- That's such a vulnerable thing, those you get leaked. Like those good, she could accidentally text that to somebody at work. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. - That's like a crazy thing for you to just be flipping about. Even if you've seen them every day for nine years. - Of course, yeah, I don't like that. I don't like his behaves right. You got time for one more of my friend? - Hell yeah. - Hit us with something to go out on little LD. - Hey, guys, you're Sven. It's like to be ex-new at the Radio City Hall coming up this weekend. I got a question for you. I'll just cut right to it. I own a whale skull and it's not endangered, but it's protected. And I think it's pretty sick. It's like a, you know, it's a big, it's got four feet or so, and it's about 50 pounds. - 50 pounds. - It really ties the room together. - You've got it in a room. - And, I've had girls, you know, like come over and, you know, see it in summer really, really into it. I think it's pretty sick. I'll have like lights on and it's shit. Some girls aren't really that into it or just don't give a shit about it. I just wanted to ask you, you know, maybe get a second opinion on it. It's, you know, do you think this is like a red flag for, you know, for potential, you know, people who are romantically interested and they're not, if it's fucking weird. I'm just, I think, I feel like because I've had some pushback, I shake my mom, how I told you know, I still have it, it might set up. She thinks it's scarce. She thinks it's gonna scare the ladies away. - Scared of hosts. - And you scare the hosts? - I do think you get the bad rap because, you know, R.K. I've found a whale skull and, you know, kept it and traumatized his kid. So, I don't know, who's one of the second opinion? - You rock. - Are you supporting your argument? - Yeah. - Oh, I've gated this. - And traumatized his kid with that. - Hey, you guys, Cheryl, hi. - Yeah. - Cheryl is fine. - Cheryl's a piece ass. That is one of the funniest couples of all time. Whale skull. I will say, having like fossils or like, or a sculpture or some shit that you see in a museum in your house is kind of interesting. It is like, you know, whenever, when you see somebody who has like a real painting, you know what I mean? Like not just a poster, like a real, I'm trying to buy a little art. Like the only thing I'm kind of interested in in terms of rich guy shit is art. - Yeah. - Like I do think in general, decorating in a way that's different than like a boondock saints, a pulp fiction poster and like, you know, whatever the fuck, like a fat head of your favorite. - All right, my LeBron fat head. Watching me, watching me from the wall in front of my bed. (laughing) And if a girl comes over and she don't like it, you can go to hell. (laughing) - King James is going to watch me lay it down. (laughing) I literally always wanted a fat head. And then I became, well, I'll tell you about my apartment. And I became a god my own place. It is a cacophony of nonsense. - Yeah, very shit. - Very immature young man shit. - Yes. - But the fat head is the one thing that I didn't do. Because I was like, this is crazy. You can't do the fat head. - Although I was thinking like that wall right there between those light switches. - Come on, man. - I was like, that would be perfect for a fat head. - Come on, Lamar. Jackson, right into this room. - It's a Lamar right there. Like I bought all this expensive nice furniture, but still in me, I'm like, let's put the Lamar fat in for that. - That's when you got to get a like, I have a step, a step signed picture. - Yeah. - And I'm like, that's going up. - That's cool, yeah. - Because he signed it and I got a, I got a Blake Griffin jersey. - That's awesome. - Like that he signed as well. - Oh, for. - And it's framed. So I'm like cool with shit like that. I think the, let's go ahead thing is interesting. And if you are, if you, if that's what you into, if you like that, if you could explain everything about it. - That's a good point. - Then you could keep that joke. - That's actually a great point. What does it signify to you? - Yeah. - Because having shit that's a little weird, but that matters to you and that you like, that you're the, that makes you like, the way I'm decorating my shit now is like, you know what? I'm just doing shit that I love that has a story behind it that's like, so I bought this weird little thing at an antique store on tour. That's always going to remind me of that. Stop on the tour. I have a fun story to tell, you know, an art, a movie or an artist that was really important to me and my mom or something like that. But the sense I'm getting from him is that he's just like, it's fucking sick. It's a fucking bone like he didn't really, he wasn't like, I'm studying whales. We got it in an ethical way and I like to point out though, you know, how the, how the different shape of there, whatever the fuck to me was just like, I have a skull in my fucking apartment. I put lights on it. It's awesome. - And in you it, boil the meat off. (laughing) We ate the meat and then I kept the skull with me. - Yeah. - Right, if it was if you were like at an Inuit fucking coming of age ceremony and you had a traditional fucking Wayne Brains stew, whale brains stew. Yeah, that's different. That would be my main thing. How did you come, it seems like it's a family heirloom. His mom, his mom knows about it. Did he give us any background here? - He said his mom says he's scared in the host too. - He didn't really say exactly how he got it. He just said, yeah, he says his mom is aware of it, but he doesn't say he'll scare the host. - Now look, I think ultimately, yeah, it comes down to, I mean, how, he said four feet? - Four feet, 50 pounds. - That's fucking huge. How big is your fucking plate? - I know. - Like, if you got a number over a four foot wheel. - In this apartment, I wouldn't put a fucking four foot, 50 pound piece of sculptural, you know. - It definitely is a conversation starter. You look at it and you, all right. Now what's the deal with that? - Yeah. - I guess my question is, yes. Definitely a conversation starter, but does it make sense in your apartment? - Yeah. - Is it in the middle of everything? Like, if you have a big enough place where it makes sense and you're passionate about it, okay. But if you're like, if it's the only thing like hanging behind your couch and if it's the only thing on your wall, my hunch is probably not. But look, the day-to-day, if you like it fine, but what are your reasons for liking it? Like, for example, to me, it's a little, it's close to having a fucking deer head on your wall. - Yeah. - And I don't think that I would want that. Other than if I was kind of doing a kitschy, if I was trying to make a room look like a shitty bar on purpose. - Exactly. - If it was the kind of irony eldest is trying to avoid with his wife. (laughing) But it doesn't sound like this guy's doing ironic. - No. - The core. So I personally probably wouldn't do it. But ultimately, you know, I would probably tell you, you're not to do it, but if you really want to, I don't give a fuck. - Not in my apartment. - I would never. - It's almost like in a house. Like, "Ah, my p-fowl." (laughing) But like, not in my apartment. - Yeah, let me take you to the menagerie. (laughing) It's gonna be some knives out in here, too. - Yeah. - Shit, we should get a Lamar fat head for the office, oldest. - Yeah. - We have a lot of wall real estate to cover at the office. But all right, I think that's our advice, whatever. Fuck you, fuck you, dude. (laughing) - But imagine, here's what I would tell you, if that cost me getting pussy even once, it's gotta go on. - It's gotta go. - If it fucks you up even one time, it's gone. - Yeah. - Now, I think it's more like, it comes down to like, I think it's okay if it keeps you from getting pussy once or twice. You will find, I think when you're single, it's good to like be invested in how your room is laid out. - Yes. - You know, you're thinking about your interior, even if it's like something as stupid as this. But it's still better than like, you know, empty Bacardi bottles above the cabin. - That's a great point. Maybe you're just, maybe this was okay from, you know, 2024 to 26. And but now at 27, 28, 30, it's time to let go. - Yeah. - Because I do feel like heads in general, like antlers and skulls kind of work cool decor. Like, you know, it's kind of like, it kind of goes hand in hand with like, the Edison bulb movement, you know, skulls and like, brix, exposed brick and all that shit kind of goes together. So I think you're just, maybe it has served you well for a few years, but it's time to grow up. That might just be it. You're right. - And the bottom line is, I don't think it'll like, a girl that likes you. I don't think it's gonna make her not want to fuck you. - True. - But if it gets serious, you guys are moving in. She's looking at that thing. That's the first thing that's gotta go on the curb, you know, hundred percent. - That's actually a good point. Tell it now, what it might have some worth. - Right, right, right, right, right. Absolutely. Sell it now. Dude, get a smaller skull. - Yeah. - Think about the next thing you want to be into decor wise, 'cause that's a good, that's actually a good lesson for life. You nailed it with that. That served you well for a second. You gotta keep moving, brother. You can't do it well once. You can't decorate once when you're 25. You'd be like, well, this is it forever. You gotta keep growing and changing. Or else you become like, you know, like, just old guys that are still, like, dressing like, you know, like the 90s right now or whatever. Although I guess now it's kind of back. If you just kind of, like, I feel like Timothy Schalmay will come out in a fucking, in Nietzsche. So it's like, you know, maybe, you know, I don't know what the, I don't know what the moral is actually. - I'm waiting for Echo to come back. - Echo is, yeah. - I feel like there'll ever do. But it feels like it should have already happened. - Yeah. - It feel like that really, like the Rhino, I actually have a sick, [laughs]
- You still got it? - I still have it. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Anyway, you ever needed those in LA? - Yeah, yeah, yeah, jacket. That's true, not big jacket, jacket culture. Yeah, you were pretty much in warm places your whole life. - Yeah. - It's spending any time in the cold pissing you off? - Yeah, I hate it. - It's the worst. It's the fucking worst. I was in Vegas a couple weeks ago and it was like 102 degrees and I had left here where it was like 25 degrees. - Yeah. - Got sick, absolutely. And then, but I got there and I was like, you know, after experience in both of those extremes, like that Vegas shit is uncomfortable. I can't do the cold. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Now, only thing that makes the hot terrible is when you don't have AC in your bedrooms. I can't sleep on it. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - But there's no way I can see it. And that's what does kill me about Europe is a fat American. I love everything about it except, bro, sometimes you go to a hotel room and they'll be like, and sometimes you'll search AC and they have some bullshit. - Yeah. - Some bullshit European. It's like a fan with like an ice cube that a fucking, you know, the door guy comes and puts up every four hours. They refresh your ice cube in front of the fan. But yeah, whatever the fuck your question was. Fuck your whale head. Fuck you. Whale head socks, actually. All right. That's going to do it for us. Carl. We should say, Carl's one of the funniest fucking guys. - Yeah. - I mean, an incredible improviser. I was kind of out of the, like the, because we're the same age and it was like, there was, I think right before you were like a comedy bang, bang, mainstay, I was like really in there. But there was a period where I was like, I gotta stop listening to other comedy pods. And so I missed kind of your tenure, but every time I would see clips you were on, so fucking hilarious. - Thank you. - As a child of, as someone who was dropped off to play Carmen Sandiego on the library computer, while my mom did errands, you're like, if you're, if you're a Carmen Sandiego head at all, look up Carl's chief character on comedy bang, bang. And if you're ever seeing a bail of odds are, it's Carl Tarney. - Yeah. - And my name will be Carl Gary Arcrig. (laughing) But yeah, let's plug some stuff. - I want Instagram. - Yeah. - And Dammit Carl, D-A-M-M-I-T-C-A-R-L. You gotta listen to, I got a basketball podcast where my boy is Hayes Davenport and Shawn Clements, called The Flagrant Ones. It's on Patreon. If you go to patreon.com/HollywoodHandbook, they got a show over there called "Hollywood Handbook." Check that out. Same with that network, I got a sopranos watch podcast on my boy Lamar called "XOXO" by the fans. - So hilarious. - It's called it, it's called it because we had a, we watched Gossip Girl. - Hell yeah. - We called it "XOXO" Gossip Kings. Two black dudes in their mid-30s watch a Gossip Girl. Our favorite character on the show was the dad. - That's awesome. - They disrespected this dude. - That sounds like a hilarious show. It also sounds like the perfect show for white improv fans. - Oh, they love it. - For them to be like, "I have black friends." And they're covering a show I like. And then we move to the sopranos. Much darker than Gossip Girl. So definitely harder than mine jokes out of some of the scenes. 'Cause we went from being like, "Blare and Chuck are having a fight." So Ralphie killed that stripper. - But to be fair, that is the most evil episode of the show. - That was fucking awful. - It was almost like they had to be like, and just so you guys remember, these are monsters. - Yeah. - Like they kinda every, last for six seasons. Every like, let me like two and a half seasons. Every two seasons they would just remind you. - Yeah. - These are the worst guys of all time. - And it's crazy man. It's so hard to mind comment. But we still do. We have a good time. - I love it. - So come on over to patreon.com/HollyWahembook. I'm doing live shows in Boston, Philly, and DC, and June. - Nice to see you. - Kero Sullivan and friends and her friends from work. We all SNL writers and a couple SNL cast members. - Nice. - And then one more, in Pittsburgh, I'll be with my team, the big team, and then we'll be back in New York for the DCM festival. - Fuck yeah. - So all that stuff will be on Instagram. And yeah, just. - Yeah. - Check out Carl's shit. So fucking funny. - Thank you. - Absolutely dude. Anytime, anytime for sure. And we, we're probably, we've announced this by, but the time this episode comes out, we have added the West Coast swing. As everybody knows, I broke my arm like a fucking clumsy piece of shit. And it postponed the special recording. Special is gonna be the July 18th and 19th in Baltimore. We're still doing it in Baltimore. - We're seeing thousands. - The fuck was that? What are you playing, motherfucker? It's your computer. Someone's coming through the speaker. What are you playing through the speakers? - What video are you watching? - It's like jerk your pathetic penis. (laughing) - Jerk your pathetic penis, you tall piece of shit. (laughing) - As an elevator falling on you. Pull that dick out. You dropped the box you were holding. You pathetic small cocked loser. - I don't know what the fuck that was. - Anyway, well, hopefully we don't figure it out ever. But yes, the special, a lot of people are asking for refunds. And I understand that. But listen, the rest of you that can make it, if you couldn't have made it in April, now July 18th and 19th, please come out. But we've added a West Coast swing again. So one last time we're gonna hit a lot of the markets. We started a tour with two and a half years ago now. So Seattle, Portland, LA. We're coming to Reno for the first time. - Yeah, yeah. - I'm excited for that. We're doing the Bay Area. We're doing San Jose this time. We've never done San Jose. We always do either Oakland or San Francisco. So that'll be fun. Phoenix. And then we've added July 3rd. July 4th week in Atlantic City, Casino, baby. That's gonna be fucking awesome. And then we're ending right before the special. And we're gonna do Long Island. And we're gonna do somewhere in Jersey close so we don't have to drive too far. So anyway, that's gonna do it for us folks. Please come back to the special. Go watch Carl's shit. And we'll talk to you guys next time. Bye-bye.
Podcast Summary
Key Points:
The hosts reflect on generational shifts in culture, noting how older references like the Simpsons and old sports tropes now seem foreign to younger audiences.
They discuss how their own childhood experiences with sports, especially football, were shaped by family, bullying, and a deep sense of insecurity.
A recurring theme is the contrast between youthful ambition and the reality of growing up—many of them found themselves disconnected from athletic dreams and instead pursued comedy.
The conversation highlights the absurdity of modern advertising, like rebranded olive oil, as a reflection of Millennials’ overexposure to "cool" marketing.
There’s a nostalgic yet critical reflection on food traditions, especially seafood boils, with a push to innovate by adding texture and better ingredients.
The hosts share personal stories of cultural exposure, such as discovering Jamaican patties and Greek food, which broadened their understanding of diverse cuisines.
They express pride in their roots—Mississippi upbringing, family influence, and early comic writing—while acknowledging how limited childhood food and cultural experiences were.
The conversation ends with a humorous take on how outdated corporate training videos are still being played today, showing how early work shaped their careers in comedy and media.
Summary:
The hosts reflect on generational changes in culture, from the nostalgic appeal of classic shows like The Simpsons to the absurdity of modern advertising, such as rebranded olive oil. Drawing from personal experiences, they discuss how their childhood in Mississippi shaped their love of sports and family, including early exposure to football and bullying. They contrast their youthful athletic dreams with a later pivot to comedy, which became a meaningful career path.
The conversation touches on food traditions, especially seafood boils, where they advocate for innovation through better textures and ingredients. Personal anecdotes highlight cultural discovery—like finding Jamaican patties or exploring Greek food—showing how limited early experiences were expanded over time. They also recall early corporate work, such as creating training videos, which now seem absurdly outdated but were vital to their development.
Ultimately, the dialogue blends humor, self-awareness, and nostalgia, illustrating how upbringing, insecurity, and cultural exposure shaped their journey into comedy and self-expression.
FAQs
Carl finds the rebranding of products like olive oil to be a last-minute, millennial-driven marketing tactic that feels outdated and forced, comparing it to the absurd rebranding of Metamusel as 'bloom' or a 'probiotic' product.
Carl observes that younger generations are more attuned to current trends, while older generations, like himself, are more emotionally moved by nostalgic music, such as the 'Nellie and Kelly Rowling' song, which he sees as a romantic, almost operatic experience.
Carl believes that 'The Simpsons' served as a cultural marker for his generation, with deep references to historical events and figures like Kennedy, which older viewers recognize but younger audiences often don't.
Carl started playing football not out of passion, but because his coach, who had a history of misconduct, was forced to offer him a spot, and it was a significant moment of identity and belonging in his formative years.
Carl sees bullying as a form of social currency, where being mocked for being goofy or overweight allowed him to gain acceptance, and he reflects on how it tied into his insecurities and later comedic self-deprecation.
Carl shares that while traditional seafood boils are a beloved Southern tradition, he believes they lack texture and innovation, and he's inspired by modern twists like using tampeco or air-frying to enhance the experience.
Chat with AI
Loading...
Pro features
Go deeper with this episode
Unlock creator-grade tools that turn any transcript into show notes and subtitle files.
PodcastTranscript AI