#178 - Mark Normand

Buh-bye! Welcome everybody to Stop Is World 904 800 Stop. Colin will solve all your problems. We've got our boy Mark Norman returning to the couch, special on Netflix. It's been out for two months at this point. As we all know, you got to get that late April bump, but you're promoting a special. What you need is after it's out of the top 10 to just get it maybe 300 more views. Yeah, thank you. Perfect. We're on YouTube soon. But yeah, thank you. Yeah, watch the special, none too pleased. Very funny stuff. Yeah, thanks for coming, buddy. Thanks for being back on the program. Thanks for having me. Great upgrade with the apartment. This place is sick. Thank you. I'm in Manhattan. You're in your door, man. It's a little annoying. He's the man. He's cool. He really is. I would like someone attentive. Yeah, he's on it. Because he is, he fucking knows it. He'll chat with you. And if he was bad at his job, it's the most annoying thing of all time. If he's good at his job, you get warm when you talk to him. And it's like a family member that's good versus bad. Yeah, listen, if my mom calls me all the time, it's like, it's my mother. She's done everything for me. It's like, do I read? Do I have? Do I want to pause what I'm doing and talk to her right now? No, but it's my mother, whatever. But then it's like some uncle calls you. You fucking just some piece of shit from the motherland and the money. Please don't report me. Those were tough, tough times. It was the eighties. But yeah, your mom won't stop calling me. It's the whole thing. But no, I know what you mean. But he saw me dealing with the box outside. He was looking for your name and he was like, what are you doing? I was like, I'm going to see Stavros and he's like, he's a celebrity. And I'm like, I know. I know. I know. I've known him before that. I was around him, come to our baby and say, pre-comptown, you're a pre-comptown. I remember that gig we did and I opened for you. You were opening for Schumer and it was a bar in Fels Point. I remember that. It was a, I believe, Deelia Foley's, if I'm not mistaken. So you weren't headlining. No, no. That's how much we've actually known each other is that you were like featuring, transitioning to headlining. Right. And I was like featuring solidly. Yeah. That's when we like, and then yes, that was a very funny, that was a hilarious gig too. Cause it was just like, you know, we just got hammered. We got so long to back then because we were all sad. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But we had some good times. We had some great times. Yeah. That was fun shit, a shitty Baltimore fucking bar getting drunk as hell. And then I was I living with my parents and nothing to lose back to me. You were like, yeah, I talked to Bobby Kelly. I think I'm gonna go on the road with it. This is good. I was like, whoa, wait a minute, quick bragging. Holy shit, I know what a beautiful fucking innocent time. Yeah, yeah, Baltimore was cool, but I did a guy, a show on a guy's house. He had like a three story crazy house. And it was that we did that show to that was I took you to that show that was amazing. That was really fun. Shout out to a friend of the show Peter Mooth on the show. Yes, that house was awesome, dude. That was like, they had like just some guy owned it. And it was like just a it was like the classic. It's like when a rich kid like puts his powers to use for good. Yeah, when it's like, hey, I've got the resources. I'm buying a house and I'm not going to be because there's nothing worse than when like fucking rich kid would remind you who's Nintendo 64 was when they're like when they're getting bullied because their personality's bad, you know, I'm like, okay, I guess we won't play my Donkey Kong country. That was the worst. Yeah. Oh, no, no, it's okay, dude, we were joking about wanting to fuck your mom. I had the friend with Golden Eye. If you started beating him, you would just unplug it. I was like, you're a fucking school shooter before school shoot. You're a terrorist. He was the worst. That's the worst. But this guy had a little money, bought a fucking and let the boys hang out and play parties. It was a fixer upper, but it was fun. It was just beer everywhere. I miss it, dude, made out with a girl in the bathroom. I remember. Love that. That was fun. Fun times. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That part, that house is maybe one of the first places I had like confidence separate from anything. You know, it was like that was, I remember like getting to fuck girls from parties at that house and being like, whoa, I'm not a fucking fat gay loser anymore. I can get a girl with big tits to come to my shitty apartment to come to my shitty or like the first time you like want to get the first time you say want to get out of here. Oh, it works. Yeah. You want to go watch TV? I'm like 22 and I'm like, want to get out. I don't believe it. Oh, my voice is cracking. Want to get out of here? That was great. The first time you start getting laid after parties, you're like, oh, getting drunk was fun, but this is this is what I want to do for the rest of the day. I should stay sober and get them drunk. Maybe even get like, I don't know, some kind of medicine to get some drunk faster. You put on a Cosby record. Joke, satire, satire, we are not rapists of any sort. Humor, humor folks, it's good for you. Yes. Oh, man, now you're putting me down memory lane, too. Oh, yeah. What would you say is the best year of your life if you had to pick one year? That's tough. Because it's a tough one because you know, you've obviously accomplished playing stuff. And even in the special, great special about having a kid, there's so much good material there. You know, you've accomplished professionally, personally, shit's going good. But when you have to boil down, and there's different metrics, too, like your happiness, there's being carefree. Because those years, mine might be the year we met when I was living in my friends. My friends were leaving me living a subsidized house. Where it was like, they literally just let me pay $300 worth of rent. Hell yeah. That's all I can afford. And basically, my pitch was, you want $400 more a month, but the guy could be annoying. Yeah. I'm the best hang of all time, maybe, and they went for it. And shout out to them. Shout out to straight George, friend of the program was one of the original patron. And was there a gay George? No, but if you met George, you'd know why he's called straight George. Oh, okay. Because you have to let people know he's straight. Got it. Got it. Got it. Got it. Got it. Okay. And I won't dox the other person, but we should come up with a nickname for him. As well. Because we got to get him in the mix a little bit. My old roommate from that year in Baltimore, I don't want to give away his personal information until I know he's cool with it. But we had a very funny set up. And anyway, there's something about that to me that was like, I don't know. There's like the how intoxicating potential is. You don't have to do anything. You have to maybe do something. Yes. So it's like, I'm like, dude, I'm like, you said, dude, Bobby Kelly might let me open. Yeah. I get to share a best western with Chris Scopo. I get to get the laugh. I get to do fucking seven at laugh Boston. Oh, that was, yeah. Hope is the best. Hope. Because, you know, we've all made it. But it's still not as happy as you are when you were about to make no exactly. The journey is what it's all about and not even a lot of the journey actually sucks dick. Yeah. Of course. But there's four good parts of the journey. Yeah. It's like, it's not even it's the journey's a destination. Like, no, they're both dog shit, but you're happy like for four days out of the 25 year journey. Yeah. Yeah. It's the little one. You get laid in here. You have a great night here. It's kind of like when you, uh, you're driving to get coke. It's almost more fun than the coke. Oh, yeah. Oh, the second you're fucking the, when you're in the car, yeah, you're like, whoa, baby. Let's go. And then you're fucking sad as fuck afterwards. Oh, yeah. Then you hate yourself the next day. You know, but regret. I spent 12 hours talking about Donkey Kong in a fucking, in a hotel room with four other guys. Uh-huh. We all offered drugs to the one hot girl. She did a line and left and then it was just us talking about GameCube. Yeah. Yeah. I don't fucking know. I don't know. I just like it. I like GameCube better. It doesn't fucking matter. Alright, fine. Alright, fine. You're a fucking plastic guy. I don't fucking attend it. I fucking fuck. You know. I think such a fucking loser that you're doing Coke or Adderall. I remember doing these exact thing happening at a party and then me being like, oh, nice. I feel like, you know, I tried Adder, I snorted Adderall for the first time in, in college. And then I'm feeling like, you know, you're buzzing. You're like, this is awesome. I'm going to fucking party all night. And I just ended up truly playing GameCube upstairs upstairs where you go to smoke weed. Yeah. Yeah. You go in, you smoke weed in the one room at the college house, right? And you leave and you try and get pussy whatever I got, I was on Adderall. I smoked weed and I just truly played fucking Mario Kart. I bet you had a good time though. It was okay. But it was into it. But it was one of those. But it was one of those words like, you're like, oh, yeah, would I play like two games of Mario Kart and they're like, four 30. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. We're the girls. I fucking already. I don't even like these guys. He's gotten his own. Yeah. What do you say when you go downstairs? Like, they're like, where the fuck were you? Like, I was trying to get pussy. I just can't say. I was playing Gamecube for four hours. I was playing Gamecube. Yeah, you just go downstairs. It's one fact. I'm playing an acoustic guitar. Yeah. And like, just two guys making out in the kitchen, you're like, ah, fuck. That's, yeah dude, there's something about the client. Truly, I think that 'cause to me, I keep coming back to that one year in Baltimore. Yeah. That's like right before I move. Yeah. I'm making friends with other comic. Like the fact that, 'cause when you're in a small town, you think you might be funny, but then when you like comics that you think are good, actually tell you that. Yeah. That's big. Oh, huge. That's huge. Anytime, 'cause you're just swimming and not, you're like, am I good, am I bad? What is going on? Am I ever gonna make it? You have no like, no lifeline. So when anybody said like, hey, you got something or that's a great bit, you're like, oh, thank you. And then that feeds into just your light, your, your like confidence as a guy. Yes. And then you're like, oh, yeah, this is awesome. It's, it's second semester senior year stuff too. Where it's like senior, right? Especially when you're gonna go from a small city to a big city. Yeah. And then, you know, you move to New York, you wanna kill yourself for a decade. Sure. Sure. That year in Baltimore. Oh, 'cause it's all up, everything's up. And you, I don't know about you. My imagination is so gay. I'm like picturing me killing there and like Todd Berry, high-fiving me. And a guy with a cigar with his feet up, good. You got a kid, you know? Meanwhile, I bombed in New York for like two years. Yeah, yeah. 'Cause I was doing rough rooms. And I remember one time I went on stage and I was just doing sign-filled for the first year. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And this guy went, I was walking to the mic and he goes, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. And it crushed me. I was crushed 'cause he got me right to the core. He nailed it there. I was like, you're right. And I just went off on them on the mic and there. Oh, dear you, what a totally different kind of coming. What's the deal with assholes? Yeah. I didn't break in New York, like out of my bullshit, like rolled up sleeves. What's the deal with? Till a guy heckled me and I called him out and that was working. So that's kind of how I broke free of that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's fucking, yeah, it is very funny how depressing the first couple of years are. Oh, yeah. So what do you think? I mean, I was a bedbugs person. Really? Oh, it's hell. It sucks. I'm still like paranoid. You wake up like a non-fed, right? Oh, yeah. I bought my first non-medal bed this year. Woo! It's been 10 years and for like five years I would wake up and be like, I got him. Yeah, I got him. Totally. Yeah, it will fuck with you forever, bud. I thought I had an STD. I went to the hospital 'cause I didn't know about bedbugs. And he was like, I don't know. I think you're fine 'cause I had him all over here. All the legs and I was like, oh, this is bad. And he goes, I can give you a biopsy, but you don't have healthcare. It's gonna be like two grand. I was like, two grand, Jesus. A biopsy. Meaning like they take a sample and examine it and all this. And I was like, fuck it, let's do it. And I went into my savings or whatever. Oh my god, to find out you have a bedbugs. To find out he's like, it's a bike. It's a mosquito bike. And I was like, fuck me. I wish I had an STD, you cut. Also, what kind of STD are you thinking is on your thought? You just, you got rotten pussy juice on your thighs. I didn't know. I didn't know. 'Cause, you know, it was hookin' up with some real trash, man. Sure, of course. So, okay, what now, I don't mean to put you on the spot, but do you have like an era or a year that if you had to put, do you have one? 'Cause I do think my answer probably would be the year I'm 24 right before I moved to New York. Is your best year? I think just pure happiness. That's pretty good. I was broke as fuck. I had no money, I'm eating fucking beans. And I would cook beans and eggs in the oven. Wow. 'Cause it was quicker. And I just eat off the aluminum foil. Look at that one, it's good. It's like what I could fucking afford. Yeah. And chicken thighs. That was like what I want. Chicken thighs. I would have chicken thighs. I still buy that rack of frozen ones. And the wife cooks them up, it's amazing. But yeah, that's pretty, I might go 2011. Okay. That was a good year. I like started opening for Schumer, quit my job. I got out of the cellar in about 2013. And I was doing the road. She got up to arenas. Oh, yeah. So, you know, get laid by, you know, arena gals. Sure. That was pretty great. While you were in like an eight-year relationship, too? Or? No, no. When did you, you broken it off? I dated a girl for like 10 years, high school sweetheart, college sweetheart, moved to New York together, did comedy, she hated it. That broke us up. Cool. That was single for like four years. I went ape shit. Okay. And then, yeah, yeah. You know, that's, that's a great time to be single is opening for Amy Schumer and Arinas. Because yeah, she can't fuck them, you know. So, that was exciting. Oh, yeah. Just private. Everything was crazy and new. And she paid so well. I bought an apartment off the money. Oh, my God. She paid me, yeah. Like, so that was good times that I met the eventually met the future Mrs. Norman. Look at that. Yeah. That's beautiful. So, I had a good run. It was a rollercoaster. That's nice. Yeah. I had to pinpoint it. And I was at the cellar every night and just, you know, Sam's there. And Lisa's there. All hanging out. It was a good, good core crew. Yeah. I'll just, do you have a one year that stands out to you? Uh, honestly, the year when I was working at a CBS radio, remember that year, we were roommates. Yeah. That was like just such a nothing job. And I, and I had just a very productive like three to six months where I was like legit exercising. Just went to like a monk borderline in cell mode, but then you met your wife, then then met my wife soon after that. Maybe you're, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So that was a pretty good time in my life. I like that. I was happy. You were happy. That is true. I was happy. Uh, you could dip into getting high and eating Ben and Jerry's whatever you wanted to because I was there holding that down still. For sure. I was still depressed while you were coming out of it. Yeah. I had the Ben and Jerry's already. I was like, dude. We had the Ben and Jerry's in that house. The fuck up. There were a ton of money. I had no money. I probably spent. That's not cheap. That's not cheap. It's not. At the time, the price at the time, this is almost 10 years ago, six bucks, probably for like the, for like the, the pint, the pint. That's a lot. And I'm probably averaging 20 a month. Woo. You know. And that's that's maybe that's might be low and for being honest, that might be on the low end. Someone that doesn't menstruate. That's a lot of ice cream. So that's a hundred. That's a 180. Let's just say $200 a month when my rent was $500. Oh my god, I've never done the numbers. My rent was 500 and my ice cream budget was $200 and I made no money. Oh, my god. You're crushing them, like the way Shane is with Bud lights. You're doing the pint. It was a bloodbath and they were fucking crazy. Your Ben and Jerry's pint was never safe in that place. Never. I will never hesitate. Especially when I was like, high as fucking. Like, I'll have a couple praise on rules. It was really prison rules. And I'm like, well, what the worst that could happen, I'll just go to the grocery store and get another one if he gets off. Yeah. Yeah. That's great. Oh, yeah. You're like norm at the bodega, you know, they're like, Oh, no, you know, I never settled into my the right ice cream spot. I always had to look at five different. I had like a network of bodegas I would go to. Yeah. Some of them didn't have the good shit. Yeah. I like truly knew when like my bodega got ice cream shipments, but I knew when this is like Miami drugs. You know, when the chopper's coming in, I was like, Oh, fuck, we're behind. It's like, don't go to the corner. They don't have anything except strawberry cheesecake. Yeah. Yeah. Absolutely. I mean, the chunky monkey. Yeah. There's a one called like late night something tonight. Tonight. Tonight. Tonight. Who are you talking to, pal? And later they would make a variant called Netflix and chilled. I was very similar to that. Okay. Yeah. I love that. Actually, that was more chunky. That was more chubby hubby. Got it. I was a chubby hubby guy. And Netflix and chilled had similar core elements. Okay. You ever want to talk Ben and Jerry's. We're the guys to talk. Do you go cream based or do you or like vanilla base or chocolate based? It depends. I probably find myself gravitating chocolate or something interesting. Yeah. That's what I liked about the chubby hubby. It was malt flavored ice cream. It wasn't quite vanilla. It was vanilla with a little twist. Got it. They all said the cores at the time. In fact, now I walk by a freezer and I see the new stuff that I missed out on and it really makes me feel nostalgic. What do you gave up? It's not too late. I can't be. You can have a taste. Dude, I cannot. All right. If I let that back into my life. You have no, I really think ice cream is my will when it all is said and done is my greatest addiction. Wow. When I really think about how many times in my life, what I can give up the easiest, it was weed for a long time, food, I guess, in general. But if we really boil it down to the type, the food, that's the problem. It's the fact that at night, I can tack on anywhere from 300 to 3000 calories in desserts only. Wow. Dude, there's like, there's been years of my life where I still have ice cream almost every day, but it's halo top. I've been on methadone. What's that? It's a glow cow. Oh. It's not good. It doesn't taste good. But it's about the ritual of eating an entire pint. You ever do the thing where you eat it with a fork and you kind of skim the top and you think you're eating less? Of course. But you're still just there for an hour and a half. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It still goes down that much. Well, then you can dislodge the brownie bits easier. God, you're talking like Charlie Sheen in the documentary. I mean, it really is the way that's truly Charlie Sheen, that's what's in my. Like I bought, hopefully what we'll say, I've given up on quitting ice cream and I bought one of the Ninja Creamy machines where you can make your own ice cream bases. Well, no, you're making it at home. But you can make it from like a protein shake and it's like 250 calories, but it's a whole It's a whole pint got it. So anyway, we'll see we'll keep you updated. Okay. Okay. I'm just worried you're gonna Pull a like a Matthew Perry in a hot tub. You're gonna have one last night. It's gonna be all these canisters I'm not kidding the hearing about Gandalfine's Do last meal they have the meal on done records sometimes. I just look at that and I'm like like I'm not joking like I'm calm Thinking about it. Yeah, I've liked that so many times Like I the thing that always stands out is the double fried shrimp. I know that he had a thing of fried shrimp And he said fuck it. I'm on vacation. Give me a whole other one. Yes, he was in Rome He was in Rome with his new wife. Oh, he's in he's got the best room of all time Dyson like a hot tub probably like I think I think it was like you do you have the thing pulled up? I think there's a couple pina coladas in there. Two orders of fried king prawns a large portion of fwagra Oh, that's what did it that's a good four shots of rum two pina coladas and two beers, which is like That you know, I'm gonna do that every day at the beach this summer Nothing that's awesome. Yeah, yeah, it's the combination it's a speed ball of fwagra and four shots of rock That's an incredible. That's an incredible order. Yeah, it really is Yeah, I want to experience that so like is it fucked up to take solace in One in the way one of your heroes died when you know you have the exact same problem Right, I hear that and it's more but as it is I'm like that sounds all maybe some depressed Because I'm like I would love to have a great day in Italy. Yeah, I have a great meal and die peacefully in my sleep That sounds nice. And I do think it's because I'm depressed. Yeah, I do think I'm sort of it's like even being fed is kind of Coward suicide where you're like, no, it's slow. It's slow. Right. It's like eventually. This will happen Yeah, I don't have the guts to do it and you're having a good time on the way there You have a good time, but also Bourdain should have gone that way too. Let's be on a board. I think what do you hung himself or something? Yeah, who knows You know, we really can't get into the end of him board day in his life You know, but I do here. There's a great film coming out Dealing with another the earlier part of his life that everyone should really enjoy. Oh, hey. All right. Yeah, it's something called Tony And I may or may not play a fat line cook Yeah, it's a movie from the future 50 just a Greek restaurant cooking up fucking calamari right, right? Um, but yeah, dude It is sometimes I'm like is this morbid how much like I'm not getting comfort I get out of thinking about dying like James Gandalfina is pretty badass He went out happy and we don't know that it's obviously tragic. Yeah, and I feel bad for his family, but In that moment like sometimes I guess again, who knows? Maybe it's purely depression and craving death on some level It's also tough for the wife. She's like my husband and also the bill. Yeah He's gonna get that bill in Rome. I'm sure that was a couple grand. I'm gonna start it. Can we Before the ambulance again here. Can we just to settle up? I'm with my husband you got to leave it with the gurney. That's Absolutely, absolutely. Well, yeah, do you have you thought about your death at all? Are you a man who thinks about mortality? I should cuz I anxious, but it doesn't feel like you were worried about the ultimate about death We're about people and you know whatever, but like I drive drunk I don't wear a helmet when I try to bike. I do a lot of drugs. I Yeah, I should worry about that. I live on the edge sure like list is worried He's like look at this lump on my leg right right. I'm going down. I have none of that Yeah, I could have like a big old egg shaped Carbuncle in my ass, and I'm like, let it ride yeah, just go around it But yeah, I don't worry about death too much. I should cuz I I got dored once on a bike Whoa, and over the door I was on my mopid and I hit a pothole Oh, it's kind of recent. Well the door was about six months ago. The mopad was about two years ago My god pothole fell off no helmet knocked out on a fat My god in the street and construction workers cared me onto the sidewalk and I woke up and I was like Fucking so in pain my head was ringing and you go I'm good They walked away and they pulled my bike off and I just wrote home. Oh my you wrote home in the bike And I was so in pain, but you just faked it, you know, you're like walking to a glass wall Your nose is hurting like hell They're all laughing at you Yeah, interesting. I should I should take it and I got a kid now so I should yeah I was gonna just the kid have had any like worrying about just you have to be around for it Yes, it does give you that which is kind of nice cuz I had no reason to live before You know, I just want to go over the new bed have a good have a cocktail But now I'm like oh, I should eat right Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, exercise hang out. Sure. Yeah, we got a sudden example for him of course That's that's fucking hilarious to think about. Yeah, I got I got pulled over drunk driving once. This is like a Yeah a month ago Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, how fucked up is this the cop was like wait, are you that comedian? And I'm like oh, yeah, he goes make me laugh and I'll let you go true story I'm not gonna say the state cuz it might fuck the guy. Yeah, yeah, I told a black joke Yeah, yeah, what's gonna happen? Yeah, definitely the police will be held accountable for their actions You're right, Mark. Yeah, you can have a fucking video of a guy shooting a woman in the head and they'll be like We don't know but God forbid you say Alabama on a podcast Anyway, go ahead. Oh, yeah, I was a Rhode Island and small state But yeah, he was a cool guy and he was a comedy fan and I told a black joke it didn't laugh And I was like, uh-oh, and I told a gay joke it in loud. I told a trans joke and he died I was like, that's so funny we can track what's hack. Yeah, real time I guess I guess yep Well, they've really evolved the black joke didn't work. He's like, oh can you turn his body cam on? Turns it back on I find that very tasteless or is the Norman just winking at you the whole time That's so fucking funny. Yeah What's going on that like Cops think about trans people you're like just blue collar it has become The go to if you're fucking stupid. It's like Polish jokes or like racist or whatever now It is trans in a way where it's like why did this many it's like you don't fucking live in listen You live on the Lower East Side you live in Bushwick. Yeah, you might come across right but it's like I bet most of those people see a Trans person I in their life. I think that's what it is. I think they're not exposed to it So they're like, oh, that's kind of exotic like a joke about it and they hear about it so much You know, it's like autistic in trans the clock's taken on those jokes, you know what I mean because it's like because it is the There's both novelties. I think you're right. Yeah, it is like it's more new and it's more nuanced then right right Or you get the pronoun Joe. There's a lot of layers to true. You know this and you get a dick joke sure Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, there's a lot there. It is so fast like I don't know how the fucking happen that culturally that's like a main Signifier what's the newest thing too? It's like the newest thing to joke about, you know like Polish is so 50s Yes, you know, then it was like blonde juice. I guess that's true. I guess it starts in pureeth starts in pure color Starts pure black white. Yes easy or you know, whatever different color and then it moves on That's it that is fascinating. I wonder what the next what's the next thing everyone like dick picks were a thing You know what the iPhone now everybody's a dick pick joke or dating apps and it was a dating app joke Yeah, yeah, so yeah, what is the next thing with the next demographic? I don't know petos, but yeah, petos is pretty fair Albanians, you wish no one cares enough Yeah, they're Albanians. They do have there is a little internet cachet to Albanians right now That's true and now this unfortunately is is position is one of the top online Albanians Another one of this another thing. Yeah, another one of the many things he doesn't deserve Yeah, yeah, that's wild. That's a poor finger line. Do you covet the hairline? You're looking okay. I'm okay I do the pro-pish. I grow it out long. Yeah, but when it's wet. I look like a sweaty rabbi. It's bad I worry about a pool. I don't get my hair. Oh, okay. You'll get in the pool with the fuck it Yeah, yeah, there's times I can jump you like you can just let it ride a certain level of freedom That's a beautiful day caring. Yeah, or yeah, you're kind of a no man's land. Exactly. You're not you're not gonna go It doesn't seem like you're gonna go to Turkey right now no chance, but you're out of you're out of nom I'm still a shit. I'm like in the bush. No, I know I went native I'm like, it's all bullshit brother. Let it go You started an opioid farm with a Vietnamese woman. Yeah I've started a I've started a fucking compound. Yeah on the lay ocean border In a gnot and an NGO Yeah, I you know, I'm enjoying going fucking full native hair hair wise. Well chicks. I think they dig it because they're like this guy is cool and confident and doesn't give a fuck. Yeah, it's back to, it is back to, it is, it's definitely novel. Yeah. Where no one, no one lets their hair. Every, I mean, look, the advancements in fucking plugs. Unreal. Or out of control. We have close friends who-- Out of controlless. Out of control. The Mateos, the Soda. I mean, they-- Pretty would be there. Oh, dude. You find out, like, everyone on TV has hair plugs. I know. Everyone on TV basically has hair plugs. And what's crazy, we have footage of, like, Kimmel, Seth McFarlane, Elon Musk, Joel McHale. The list goes on. We have them in the, you know, 1998s when they're fucking crazy. Crazy back. Totally, totally. I don't know. We'll see. You're good. You're fine. You're not going to consider it. You're not going to go plugs. I don't know. I don't know. Maybe later in life. I would only, I'm only debating because it's, it ain't cheap. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I'm waiting for it to come down. You're doing okay. Like a flat screen. Yeah. You're such a piece of shit. You remember the old-- - You mixed reviews. You used to be $10,000. - That's true. - That you could be like, you know, 500. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, you're right, you're right. That is so funny that you're still, you're still worried about that amount of money. Because I know it's not cheap, but like, you're fine. - I could be fine. But-- - Do you think it's a mentality? - You think it's a mentality. - That's true. That is true. I guess that's important. It is important to stay. You'd rather stay cheap than be somebody who doesn't understand money at all. Which is kind of where I am where I'm like, because my whole life I never care about money. But on either way, like I should have been cheap. I should have known what stuff cost. But I never did. And then I just kind of kept going until I didn't have to. I basically primed to get Bernie made-offed. And I don't try it. Nobody tried it, all right? I got a couple layers of protection. - There you go. - But I really don't like-- - I'm the same way. I got a money guy and that he saved me. - Yeah. - She was like, "Let me see your finances." And I was like, "Oh shit, okay. What is she gonna do? Steal it all." But I eventually showed her after hours of fighting. And she was like-- - She's like only fans, only fans, only fans, only fans. - Venmo directly to a 22-year-old barista. - No, that's a thing. You're too cheap to ever get fin-dombed. - No, no, no. - No way. - You will never get exploit-extorted. - You would go letterman so fast, dude. - You would have a public announcement. You'd be like, "These horrors are trying to get me from my money. I will never allow that to happen." - That happened to Louis Anderson, remember that? - No. - Oh man, he was hosting Family Feud with Greg Gig. - Yeah, he was-- - My dream gig, by the way. - Greg Gig. - I would love to be to one day host Family Feud. - My number one game showed-- - I'm putting that out there. - Someone, look, Steve Harvey's gonna do this job for another 20 years. - Easy. - He's built for it. He'll be doing that till he retires. - He has one move, by the way. Somebody says something stupid and he goes, "Yeah." - Absolutely. I do not-- - That's it. - An incredulity. Is his number one move? - That's a sister's day. - Yeah. (laughing) - But yeah, no, you're right. Okay, so Family Feud. - I would love-- That is my-- I would love to be 60 and host Family Feud. - And you do, like, what do they call it? - They call it bump bulk shooting, where you shoot like six in a day. - Yeah. - You're done for a month. - It's my dream. - Yeah. - So I'm putting that out in the universe. That's my show bit, sort of, like, retirement gig. - That is great. That's a sweet gig. Remember the old one? You could kiss every woman on it. - Yeah, that was big. (laughing) - Yeah, dude, the one guy is just fingering every fucking-- (laughing) Every grandma, you look beautiful. - And then the guy just have to sit there. - Right. - And he's just smiling as this guy. Like, that is, by the way, how, like, everything in society is degraded. You used to, a level of fame. Like, being a game show host. - Yeah. - Allowed you, you had premonocta for everyone in America. - Pop Barker and all those horse. - By being all those horse. - A level of famous. - Yes. - That's fucking crazy, dude. - Crazy. - Anyway. - Anyway, we're here. - What were we talking about? - Hello. - Hello, Andrewson. - Yes. - Hello, hello, hello. - I love the show. - I love the show. - I love the show. - We remember that show that the kids show. - The cartoon. - The cartoon. - The cartoon, I fucking loved it. - Yeah. - Anyway, give us your recollection. Then Elders will fact check. - I don't know everything. But I know he was a closeted gay guy. And back, it was a night. - He's really hard to tell. - And I mentioned playing a woman on TV. But yeah. - And it was incredible at it. - Great. He's so funny. - That is one of the best. He plays a, he plays Zach Yalfenakis' mother in baskets. - Yes. - He plays a middle aged, an elderly woman. - Mm-hmm. - And it fully works. - It totally works. - It doesn't even come off as like a gimmick. - No, no. - In like eight seconds. At first you're like, "Ha, that's hilarious. "Louie Anderson is a premium woman." And then you're like, "That's his mom." - Right. - And then 10 seconds and you're like, "Whoa, that's his mom." - It's basically Robert Downey Jr. Black. He is as a woman. - Yeah, he's pulled it off perfectly. But yeah, so he was hooking up with this guy. He would like hook up with a guy in Vegas where they shot every, you know, a couple of weeks. - Oh, they shot in Vegas back then. - I think so. And they would just hook up in a van. He would blow the guy. And then he would be like, "Don't tell anybody." And then one day the guy's like, "I'm gonna tell the press unless you give me 20 grand." Or so. And then the guy and Louie's like, "All right, all right, all right." And then, you know, month later he's like, "You know what, I need like 100 grand now." And he's like, "All right, all right, all right." And then millions of dollars go by eventually. The guy is still told. - Oh. - Something like that. - That was mostly right. What I'm saying here is, Anderson made several payments to Gordon totaling around 100K before eventually going to the FBI where. - Oh, Louie went to the. - Oh, Louie went to the FBI. - Yeah, yeah. - But he was still at 100K. - Oh, I was way off of it. - It cost him 100K to just fucking. - 'Cause it was just accumulating, I think. 'Cause I kept hook it up. - Yeah. - The guy was a piece of shit. - I was arrested in a sting operation and sentenced to 21 months in prison. - Good for Louie in the institution. - Yeah. - And Louie, why did the guy get arrested? - Because it's illegal to fucking bribe someone like failing him. - But isn't it illegal to pay for sex? Well, I guess he was paying for sex. - No, no, he wasn't paying the guy threatened to tell tablets. - Got it. - That Anderson had solicited him for sex years earlier. - Got it. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - There you go. - And Louie was afraid that would like damage his rep. Poor guy. - That sucks. - That sucks. - Tim, now look at Tim's life. Now you can be part. Now you can openly be a gay villain. Who's drunk? Who's, who's, who dresses up as members of the media. Tim, Tim dressed and mocked the woman who runs CBS News. You can now be, that's how gay you can be and not be a scared of the media. - Yeah. - Where Louie Anderson is like, just probably having gentle gay sex in a van and then doing a great job hosting. And now you could just, at least we've made some advance with him. - It's true, it's like Ellen couldn't be gay. She got canceled. And she was like, okay to be gay. And then she got canceled being a cop. - I'm being a progress. - Just a piece of shit. - Yeah. - Here's a little fucked up tidbit about Louie. He also, his sister alleged that he suffered elder abuse on his deathbed when his fucking agent and manager conspired to change his trust. - Cheese. - Like in his dying moments. - Cheese. - And make themselves the primary beneficiaries. - What? - Wow. - Tim. - Yeah, man. - Louie Anderson is the man. - That pisses me the fuck off. - I hope for him a few times. - Really? - Yeah, cool guy. - He was the first fat comic to do the, let me get the mic stand out of the way. You can see me. - Which has been done today. - He did it first in the days. - Yes. - In that? - Yes, respect him for that. That's a good one. - Love you, Louie. - Fuck, dude. Yeah, he would have been a dream. He truly would have been a dream guest. Because I feel like right as I, I try, I think I like, there was like something up in the air where I could have opened from very early. And I was, that was the most pumped I was. But I was way too. It was like, would have been a real stretch at the time. - Yeah, yeah. - Because I feel like by the time I was even, you know, 10 years ago, like when did Louie Anderson die? - Ooh, I don't know. - Oh, really? - That reason? Wow. Yeah, the coolest part about opening forum, when you're like, in awe, he's killing. He's, you know, he's got jokes from decades and decades. But then we go to McDonald's after. - Fuck you. - And then he would order like crazy shit. - Fuck you. - And you're like. - It was like, like opening for, oh my God. - That was wasted on you. - I know. - I was like, I want some nuggets and he's like, get out of the way, son. - But it'd be like over prior that he's just like, let's do blow on that. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Even if you're not a blow guy, you'll figure it out. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - You'll figure it out. - Damn, dude. - Yeah, he was the fucking man for sure. - I did love Louie, the cartoon was a fucking banger. - Right. - A lot of fat representation. - Yeah. - He was kind of a cool little fat kid and I was like, yeah, hell yeah, that's me. - You had fat Albert and then Louie, there wasn't much for fat kids. - That's true, let me think about. And then you had heavy weights. - Oh, that was great. - Great. - Great movie. - Great movie. - A couple, it's pretty like Mighty Ducks had the fat goal. Like he had a couple guys. - By the way, that guy is not doing good. - Rosenberg. - He is. And he was in heavy weights as well. - Yes, he was really talented. - He was great. - He, honestly, I probably modeled a lot of my, like, personality as a little fat kid. 'Cause he was like the cool fat guy. - Yeah, he was cool. - He always had wise cracks. He would do like the L. - Yeah. - He was like, yeah. - He was like, really? And now the guys, that guy's looking tough. - I think math got him. - I mean dude, being a child star. - It fucks everybody. - There is no way, like that should be illegal. If you try, if you take your child to every audition should be a sting operation. - Oh, that's good. - Every single time apparent. - That's good. - The kid should child for anything. Yes. They should go to jail. I love it. They should go to fucking jail. I love it. It's weird. You're like, you, it's like a cattle call where you bring your kid like hoping that he gets discovered and you get rich, right? It's so weird. You're using the kid. Yeah. It's the same with pageant cuts. These pageants even worse. That's crazy. Pageants even fucking worse, dude. Yeah. I mean, watch every one of them. Yeah. Yeah. You got a fucking feed. Yeah. You got to feed a security cam footage from every Hilton garden in ballroom. Like you got potential. Yeah. I like her. I've got like a fantasy football league going with spreadsheets. I like the Virginia chick. I think I think what you're describing is just how you got to Epstein's Island. I mean, that's the other other thing is like everyone acting for sure, but pageants are straight up feeder systems for pedophiles. There's no way that the fact that that exists, I mean, that is despicable, dude. Pedophiles must love it because they can go in the audience. Of course. It's like a show. It's like a, you get a free strip tease. Yeah. It's like going to a fucking fashion show. Yes. Oh, what's coming up this season? Exactly. Before the children to groom this season. Right. Right. So, I mean, the pedophilic shit that goes on. Like they don't have that in other countries. Do they all this? Do they have like, are there European beauty pageants? This is where I'd love to blame America for something, but there probably is. Unfortunately, they probably exist other places. I'd say so. Yeah. Yeah. But we have a very like, there's something about that like Southern churchy. Right. Right. High book. You know what I mean? There's just some so fucked about it. Yeah. But you know, whatever. Yeah. That's now it's just a bunch of Florida teachers is keep fucking students every, every time I open Twitter, it's just like a new teacher. And they're all kind of like kind of hot. Yeah. Yeah. So strange. Yeah. Some's in the, some's in the air down there in Florida. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You'll know. Yeah. Anyway, you're not, you're preparing your son for his first pageant soon. I guess. Yeah. Yeah. Well, what's the boy version of that? I got a little boy. I guess it's like alter boy. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, yeah. So what's because the other thing is that your, your kid was born like a couple days with my nephew. So I always think about when I track my nephew's development, I think about your son because I'm like, oh, what's this little fucker up to? Oh, yeah. Because they're, they're basically the same age. Yes, 17th. Yes. Yeah. MLK weekend and Trump. So inauguration. Yeah. So everybody's like the saddest day ever. I was like, this is a great day. I'm like, fist pumping in the street. Best day. I mean, we always knew it about Mark. He finally comes forward and shows who he's been the whole time. Google MAGA. You named your son 47. Yeah. 47 Norman. Yeah. Isn't that because I, you know, my wife's Baron. Okay. Okay. Uh, Donald Trump Jr. Norman. That guy loves the YAMM. Yeah. Every time I see that guy on TV, he's like, he's, I know it is so fucking annoying that just unobjectively, some of the worst people of all time won the decade. Like DJT Jr. just gets to be on cocaine on TV. He only did listen to what that fucking idiot has to say. He's the most classic example of a fail son I can possibly imagine. He's accomplished almost nothing without, and then plus the like, how has got to fuck you up psychologically for that to be your day? Like that story about totally, that story about, I don't know. Look up if there's a pocryphal or not where he's going to take him to a Yankee game. And he's like in a, in a Jersey and Trump slaps his son in front of his friends for not wearing a suit. No, look up. Is that real altitude? Did I, did I get got by some MSNBC? Oh, AI shit. That's correct. But then you got Hunter Biden as well. He got the two sides of the coin there with the coke fight coke folk. Who do you really want to do coke with? Oh, you got to go on. Hunter in a, you know, in a mile by a mile. I remember those videos of him with hookers and doing crack in a town. I'm like, why would he film this? And I realized, oh, he's on crack. He's on crack. Why would you film this? Yeah. Yeah. He's, uh, he really, I mean, now you're like, not like now every fucking like every, there's like a story where it's like, oh, yeah. Baron Trump just made $40 million on crypto. Sh. It's like, give me the old fashioned corruption where it's like the son is getting his dick sucks by sex workers. Yeah. He's on crack. That's a fun presidential scandal. I know. And he just, he did an interview with a Callahan. Yeah. It was, it was, he comes off so incredible and like a very smart guy. And it's like, yeah. And then I'm like, of course, like, why would I judge this guy? This is what I'm like. I would do, I would do drugs with fucking a couple of prostitutes for a week. That's awesome. Sure. Probably some of our money. Yeah. Yeah. But you're like, this guy can talk. And then you realize, well, yeah, he's a cocaine. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. He comes away and he comes interested. Yeah. Yeah. I watch the whole thing. I was shocked at how, because I put him in the same kind of bracket as like, Oh, just some political fail son. Right. And he's cool. And then when you think about like that family got so fucked up by the like good son getting fucking brain cancer out of no way. And then you think about like, damn, these people fucking grow up under such a fucked up microscope. Totally. Totally. Being a kid of a politician. I mean, it's like child star times 10. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Totally. Yeah. I mean, it can go, it can go that fucking. I mean, anyone, anyone who's parent as a politician, if you want to be president, you, another president should be in jail. Everyone that wants to be president is a sociopath. Thinking you deserve that much power. I can't even imagine being raised by that. Even if he's like a good, the funny thing is the only time Biden seemed like a reasonable human being and not completely seen. I was when you would see their leaked exchanges between him and Hunter. Right. Son. I love you so much. We're going to get through this. You're like, damn, he's capable of being fucking cogent. At least a good father. Yeah. Yeah. He's been, he's been running the country. Right. But he could at least give his crack head, yeah, former crack addicted son, some solace. Right. Well, that's why Baron is so because he doesn't seem to have a vice. So he almost seems scarier. He's got like a Darth Vader thing where he's just like. Yeah. He's like, eyes on the prize. Yeah. He's dark. He's gloomy. Yeah. There's, there's a, yeah, there, you know, like the weird, like the type of fucking guy who's throwing Trump right now and pretending it's cool to be a pedophile. You know, they've got some like designs for Baron being president. Oh, you know, something's in the works. You know, like when, like, there was that AI, early AI of like Trump, uh, with a beard and a shaved head. I see that. All these guys that just make Trump seem like hot and weirdly want to fuck it. They like, they're like, they're daddy that they respect psychosexually. Yeah. You know, they want Trump. You know, they want Baron to be like our seven foot tall president. Oh, yeah. Who like gets every, every ethnic minority out of the country. Like they have visions of Baron Trump and like white armor, you know, like a fucking horse. Yeah. Being like that. Is it weird that he goes to NYU that is walking that camp, like he's walking through Washington square far right now. It's crazy. Oh, dude. I want to be that tall. He's got to be. He's got to be. He's six, eleven. Wow. He's rich. He's getting pushed. Yeah. There's no way you're not, but he doesn't seem like he wants it. You know, that's what I want. I went 100. Oh, dude, if you, if if Baron gets busted doing fucking ketamine with fucking strippers, I like a bit. I'm like, all right. I'm listening. Yeah. You got, you've caught my attention. Yes. It's like what Mulaney did blow. You're like, all right. Yeah. Oh, I like it way more now. We, I became reasonably fully post, fully post him on cocaine. Exactly. And it was a moment where you're like, yes. Yeah. You're here one of us. Yeah. You're fucked. He clearly is one of it. It made, it made Mulaney snap into picture into like, because you're like, before you're like, is he just like a comedy robot? And they're like, no, he's a fucking ad. He's been fucking. He's yipped out of his mind. No. And he loves comedy so much. He fucking does. He writes like jokes on cocaine. Oh, that's what it's all about. It's crazy, dude. Yeah. Yeah. Cause before he was so polished, he was always a great comic, but he was, he just seemed like a like a relative that went to Yale. They're like, oh, yeah. No, no, it definitely humanized him as a just not, cause the one thing I do love about stand up is that it does. There are people that if you took us doing comedy out of the equation, we would have almost nothing in common, right? Like I do, I do like that as, as like kind of embarrassing as it sounds, it is an identity in a way where I'm like, I do get along with people that outside of this, I wouldn't have anything. And get along with them and form real connections in a way where it's like, what did I, what would I really have in common with somebody who like, you know, like you went to fucking Georgetown. Yeah. Exactly. Exactly. Like just, but because he was so good at comedy, it almost took me a while to realize like, oh, he's like a fucking, you know, like a rich kid from the Chicago burbs who went to Georgetown, whatever. And then when you throw the drug use in there. - Yes. - One of us. - Yes. - One of us. - One of us. - One of the volume of Wall Street. - One of us. - One of the roses in the backroom. (laughing) - I love when the rose was just like his main credit. - Yeah. - He's like, he's just one of the most hilarious careers of all time. - I know, I know. - In "Wulf of Wall Street" for one second. - I didn't know that. - But he's gonna be there. - Oh, he literally is. - Wow. - He's in, he's a trader. - What? - In whatever's Strathmore, whatever the four. - Yeah, well, that fits. I mean, he lives like those guys. - Yes, yes. No, it made sense. I mean, yeah. The, in the Breaking Bad universe. - Oh, that's right, that's right. Now, do you feel on the movie sets? Do you feel a little like, oh, these guys are like, Thesbyans and I'm a fucking, you know, nightclub comic. - I mean, dude, I'm on Bagonia. - Yeah. - It's Jesse Plemons and Emma Stone. - That's the, it's like top. - It's like the best actors alive, maybe. I think the best actors of their generation, I'm obviously a little biased, but even before I work with them, I re, like, I felt that stone and Plemons. It's like, I really do think it's pure actors. - Mm-hmm. - Nobody is better than them. So that was like, fucking insane. - I mean, I would have been like Leo in the trailer of Once Upon a Time where you're like, come on, man. - Yeah. - You gotta get together. - Oh, dude. - You're gonna stop eating Ben and Jerry's every night. You gotta get in your act together. - Dude, not even kidding. There was a day where I got so lucky that my big, one of my big scenes, the night before for some reason, I just went to, I took the train into London, front of the show Caleb here, you know Caleb? - Yeah. - Very funny, very funny. We got fucked up on Indian food. - And then even without him, I'm eating a little treats. I'm, you know, I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'm gonna foreign land. I gotta try all their treats. - That thing there too, it's the Indian food. - Yeah, oh, dude, so good. And I get, I just overeat and I have a horrific headache. And they're like, hey, we had to change the schedule. Sorry, you're not shooting for like, you know, a couple of days. - Oh great. - And I was like, I almost fucked up. - Wow. - Like my big, like, it was nerves. It was nerves like, it was truly nervous eating in a way where-- - Stress eating. - But still, I was like, you're a fucking idiot. - Yeah. - You almost had so much fucking like biryani that you had a sodium headache and would have been bad on set. - Yeah. - That whole thing was so surreal that I just, that the whole thing felt like a dream. - Sure. - Like it never felt real. I mean, this Oscar, I think best picture now I'm here. - We got nominated and, you know, Stone is one two fucking Oscars. Plemmon has been nominated. He should have, I think he should have won this year. He's the fucking man. - He's great, he's great. - But on that set, for sure, it was fucking crazy. And then, you know, then you go to tires and it's like, someone who's-- - That's my speed. - That's my speed. - At a gas station has like a major B plot of the season. Like, I'm okay, yeah, I'm feeling pretty good on the tireset. - Yeah. - But, you know, it just kind of, the other thing you kind of realize is that like, you know, it was a crazy moment to just be like, these are just dudes. - Yeah. - You're just fucking, and I guess I got lucky 'cause they're both just actually cool people. But also, you see people who've been on TV and you see them as, or in films and you see them as like larger than life. And then you're like, these are also 36-year-olds. - Yeah. - We have all the same, like, we grew up at the same time. Like, it's like, it kind of demystifies them. And I do think in a weird way, stand up as such bullshit. And so like, tough in ways that it's like, you're embarrassed so much, you bomb so much. Even your friends will roast you to fucking smithereens. That when you're just on a place where people have to be professional, it's easy, you're like, no one's gonna come after me. - Yeah. - My co-stars are gonna call me a big fat piece of shit. - Yeah, you're gonna get heckled by the crew. - I actually fucking, I have a great time doing that shit. So we'll see, until I have to open that Greek restaurant we'll see how it goes. - Yeah. - But, you know. - Man, yeah, you're on a roll. - Yeah, it's crazy. I don't fucking understand. I never, I was like, oh, hopefully I get to be in some stuff. But we'll see how it goes. You're cooking and work, but gets work. So then somebody's using something else. Do you think the cult movie was the, was that help? - I think it helped in that no, but like, the whole reason I made it, 'cause I was like, I was like, I think I can act and no one is ever gonna cast me in anything. I think very quickly after that though I got, I mean, tires in Bagonia, I got, like I got tires right after the cult movie and they just, that was just 'cause I'm friends with Shane. - Yeah. - I think what the cult movie has been helpful for is now, I thought it was gonna be a launch. I don't think it really did much. - Okay. - In terms of getting me more work, but now the fact that I made it, I think proves to people that like, oh, he's written something, he's written executive produced and starred in something. So now it's like, now they've seen, hope, this is the hope anyway, that they see me in this other shit and I do okay. And they're like, oh, we can trust him a little more than a random guy. He's already made his own movie. - Yeah. - At a time when nobody makes movies. - That's true. - So, you know, whatever, we'll see. I got some ideas, but I also just, dude, I'm craving not doing shit. - I know. - I'm craving not doing shit. - Again with the poor mentality, I have that like, relevance mentality. Like, oh God. Like, Ari just took eight months off. Nobody noticed. Now he's back. We're miserable. We hate to see him. He looks like an Iatola now. He's the gay one. - Yeah. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. He's back and he's like coming out of the gate hot with his fucking team. - Yeah, yeah. Storytelling show. - Yeah. - That's gonna be huge. Shanes and it Nate's. - Totally totally. - All these, you know, Miss Patton. - It's gonna be big. - It's gonna be big. So then, you're like, oh, Ari's back. Okay, there you go. But I get worried like if I'm going a week, my wife's like, let's go on a fucking vacation. You psycho. - You should. - I don't want to. I got to do this Upper West Side New York comedy club spot. Or those cities gonna forget about me. - Yeah, well, it goes with your class. I think your biggest issue, and it's mine too. It's a lot of people's. But you have like a class, like a bit that I'm jealous of because it was like, it's basically just your headphones. The headphones like big tape. You were the fur, you had a great take that I think. That's like really great jokes that everyone, when you hear a great joke, you're like, I felt like that for the last six months. - Oh, yeah. - And I've never been able to put that together. But it's like, yeah, just your, just saying like thoughts, are not good. - Not good. - It's like, I feel like every, I think we all lived through, I think when AirPods first came out, everyone was just didn't have a thought in their head for five years. - That's so true. I really think that, and I do think what you're describing is staying in the anxiety of it means you never have to reflect, you know, 'cause you're constantly in the rat race. - Right. - So you're just like, it's survival, survival, survival. If you have fuckin' took two weeks off, you'd have to think about yourself. It would have to be your thoughts on an even larger level. - Yeah. - And I think that's your, I think that's your big thing. - Oh, interesting. - I think that's your big thing to conquer. - Okay. - It's a little, I think you're, you know, and I get it, 'cause I'm the same way where it's scary to sit down and like, honestly, self-reflect. - Yeah. - As opposed to just keep doing it. 'Cause I'm, dude, I've been talking about taking a break for four years. - Exactly. - And every time we talk, it's like, oh, I gotta finish this first and then the break's coming. - I never thought about the reflection. To me, it's more of like, you know, you're gonna be rusty. You're not gonna know how to do standup anymore. You're gonna lose your house, you know. - But that's over, that ended. I think the pandemic ended all those thoughts for me anyway. 'Cause I was the same way over on a technical standpoint. - Yeah. - And then you can't do standup, just 'cause it doesn't exist. And I felt like I wasn't that bad when I came back. - Yeah, it took like two sets. - Two sets and you're fine. - Yeah, yeah. - A week tops and you are better rested, whatever, but I don't know who's to tell you. That's my hunch. I feel like everyone could, everyone who's in that mentality could just use a little time off and you'd have to just face the stuff you've been running from. - Be real with yourself. - That's funny 'cause every vacation we went to Miami for New Year's, that was like a little vacation. And I drank from sun up to sundowns for like nine days for seven days and just put some mushrooms in there and whatever. - Oh, dude. - Yeah, it was wild. - I'm the kid. - Yeah, yeah. - I'm in the pool with a kid. - You're holding him no floaties. - You're using him as a floaty. (laughing) - He's saving me. - Yeah. - I do think self-reflection is scary. And look, it's a little projection here, but I think a lot of my friends that I see similar traits in, I think we all need to actually be like what am I, what is my life like? What have I done? What's good about it? What would I like to change? And again, this is mostly projection because I'm in a state right now where I'm like, I need to actually think about what I want. - Right, right. - 'Cause the worst thing is you do the math and you're like wait, is my career directly detrimental to my happiness? And unfortunately, I hate to admit every time, I've been running the equations a lot. - Yeah, yeah. - I've been running the numbers and the answer really is do not work as much. - And there's just, and I still try to be like, no, I can figure it out, I can figure it out. But I just, anyway, every man on the street I see, it's like, here's me with 20, 85 year old guys, they all say don't work as much. I wish I hadn't worked as much. I wish I saw my family more. I wish I slowed down. I wish I had you like, oh God, maybe they're onto something. - Every one of them says that. - Yes, then you have not one single one. - No, yeah. - It's not even the one guy who's like, "I loved it." - Right. - He had no one. - I grinded it to a hot day. - I missed some stuff. - But the energy of it wasn't nobody. - Nothing. - Nobody thinks that. - Yeah, yeah. You know what? Another great, you know, the joke you said about the headphones where you're like, "Oh, I've thought that. "Gulben has that great joke where I'm about depression." And he goes, "You know, think about life is, "is it's every day." That is such a great line. And we've all had that like, uh, another day. - Here we go. - Yeah. - So good. It's a similar idea where it's like you can't call out of being in love. It's like when you're, yeah. It's kind of a similar idea to the headphones. - Oh, yeah. - It's funny that like, to Patrice, love with a woman is depressing. Like, actually loving a woman is like, "Can I get a break from loving my wife?" You know, I wasn't even his wife, but dude, the, that called the "Gulben Depression" stuff is unbelievable. - Right. - It's unbelievable. - Right, yeah, he's a beast. - All right, well, listen. We've, uh, it's time for us to take some, you know, we can talk about ourselves, but really we need to take, we need to help the people. We're, in some ways, me and you are beyond fixing. - Yeah. - Let's, let's fucking, let's focus on this next generation. - Yeah, we might help that car that gets it a wreck and the door never closes, right? That's us. You can do everything when we were still going to be fucking dented. - When I was a star, the eldest, the themed guest or guest, a long time first time, you know, the fucking deal. - Thanks, man. - So basically, I'm a student teacher. Right now, I'm currently a student teaching in the middle school, and this is a student of mine who really wants me to get with our sister. - And what? - I'm not gonna lie, she's pretty hot. The sister and not the student for reference. - You're a student, want you to fuck her sister? And you're thinking about it, you fucking idiot. You finished up, but this is crazy. - Whoa. - Well, the sister is like 25, I'm gonna be 28 in a few months. The sister's already like a nurse, have their license and shit, have a house apparently. - Why is this? - And I'm gonna be graduating with both my masters and bachelor's, and I was just curious to know, how could I let my student know that I'm down to date her sister, but how can I do it in a way that doesn't come off as like creepier desperate? - What? - Wait a minute. - This guy's out of his fucking mind. - I don't think this is so bad. Wait a minute, wait. - Whoa, hold on, hold on. - This sister is 25. Does the sister even know he fucking exists? - He's saying, a child who he's teaching wants to set him up with her sister, and he's like, nice. - Well, she's 25, but I was fucking kidding. - He's 28, and he's 28, I'm not saying that if this guy met this sister, and they hit it off, and he asked her respectfully to go out, that it's very, that that's weird. It's not weird for this guy to happen to be dating. One of his students, older, one of his students' family members, right? That's not weird. Teachers are in the community, fine. What's weird is, having a child you teach set you up. That's what to me, he doesn't even know, this is a fucking 12-year-old. - Right. - Did she, how does she said to her sister? I want to, because the other thing is like, it's a weird thing where maybe this kid is trying to process her crush on an adult by setting her up. Just like, by setting it up. - Oh, I see. - We've been in middle school, and we've all had a teacher we've loved. - Yeah, yeah, sure. - Sometimes, that's just an innocent whatever, but sometimes, and look, it's innocent for kids to have crushes, whatever. - I had that, and I was homeschooled. (laughing) - It's in, whatever, but I just think having a child who you teach, during your trial period of teaching, set you up, and it's not even like, during a parent teacher conference, or during a conference, he sees the sister. They have a cute little moment. She's like, you're doing such a great job with my, you're doing such a great job with my sister. - There you go. - And, you know, I hope to see you with the fucking spring fair or whatever, right? We don't, this woman might not even know this guy exists. A child wants two adults to fuck. - Right. - And he's think, that's, to me, this is the odd part. - Yes. - Not that he might date students, you know, a student sibling, whatever. Let's, I'm not saying that's weird. I'm just saying, 'cause, yes, now let's figure this out. Let's say we're trying to get him laid from this 25-year-old, you know, sibling. - Uh-huh. - How does he go about it? - Yeah, I think he got to wait, 'cause he's a student teacher, so he'll never see this kid again. - Problem. - Once the year is over. I think you should wait till the year is over, the semester is over, then I think it's a little more appropriate. - Sure, but then what? You fucking take this kid's fucking, you steal this kid's address from the school. You know, like, have a great summer. What's your sister's Instagram? - Yeah, there you go. I'm not, I'm not, this could be a small town, you know. - That's what I'm, that's what I'm talking about. - Just thinking of, if it's like a small town kind of thing, I can kind of see this vibe a little more. - Yeah. - You cannot be a teacher who gets their 12-year-old student to set you up with someone. - I think if he was gunning for, like, damn, this student's got a hot sister, let me work this out, but the student is coming to him, going my sister's single, you guys will be perfect together. I don't know, I think this is kind of-- - And then what does he do say? Okay, give me your sister's number. Does he say that to a student? - I think the girl, the student has to go back to her sister and go, hey, he's interested. Where do you want to go with this? - Isn't it a little odd? That it's child is your go-between here? - That's a little odd. - Oh, I'm saying it, here's what I'm saying. - He's not fucking the student. - No, no, no, no, no, look, look, he is not a criminal. - Yeah. - This is a wholesome calling. I'm not accusing him of anything. I'm just saying, the only way this happens is if there's a legitimate, is there some school event? Is there a graduation? Is there something where-- 'Cause we don't even know who this fucking-- Again, we don't know if this girl even knows that he exists. Or if this is just a fantasy that his 11-year-old student has, right? So the only way this happens is if like, or if you're truly blessed, and this is a small town, you're out at Chili's one day with the fellas. She's at Chili's with her family. And you can be like, oh, this is Mr. That, if you have one of those weird seeing this teacher in the supermarket moments, and you happen to be with your sister, okay. But to me, even though you're not, I'm not accusing you of anything untoward here. I'm just saying, it's too weird to push the envelope in any way. This is something you have to see if it happens. And if it happens great and no one's saying you're weird, but to just be like, hey, can I get your address? Can I get your sister's number? Like, imagine if a fucking principal just over here's, hey, what's going on? Can I get your sister's number or what? Oh, yeah, that's good point. When you put it like that. If it's not, if a different parent, and by the way, he's student teaching, right? Yeah. What does that mean? I don't even know what that means. He's not a, he's ending his masters or whatever. Oh, okay. It's part of your training to become a teacher. The student teach for six months or whatever. Okay. So what if this ruins his fucking, what if this gets back that he was trying to fuck this student's siblings? And again, that's not being a pedophile, but it is like a string that we will all admit that is a weird relationship to have with an 11 year old. This is the weirdest dating app all the time. It's inappropriate. Yes, there's no dating app that's like, have our underage sibling set us up. Right, right. So anyway, that's, that's my take on this. You cannot push the envelope. You have to sort of let that, it's kind of like when someone asks, can I get back together with my ex? It's like, look, if you fully break up, you fully lead different lives, you go no contact. And then you happen to come into each other's lives again and hit it off as almost essentially different versions of yourselves. Yeah. Maybe, but when you try and keep getting back together with someone, it's never gonna work. No, no. And to me, this is one of those like, you gotta set it free. There's just a girl that sounds cool that you might be able to fuck. Either it happens or it doesn't, but you cannot push the envelope as a student teacher. In my opinion, that's all I'm saying. We're, I say, let it ride, buddy. Get that number. I mean, like, I've watched enough incest porn where I'm like, this is wholesome. Yeah, this is nothing. No, I mean, compared to student teacher in propriety, compared to what a 28 year old man and a 12 year old girl could have as an inappropriate relationship. Yeah. This is nothing. Yes, exactly. But it still is technically and inappropriate relationship. What? You're right. But I think it's about how you play it. You go up and go, Hey, you want to, can I get your sister's number in the hallway? You know, the guidance council here is that. You're going to jail or whatever. You corner her. You say, I have a gun. Something bad is gonna happen unless you give me your sister's number. I do. I do. I do wonder if there's a small element here. It's like, is this, is this teenage girl just fucking with you too? Very possible. Is it like, you know, the girls are gay. Oh, you should name my sister and like, you know, here's the, here's her number and they're just fucking fucking with you. Yeah. Does she even have a sister? - Right. - She's trying to get you to send her nudes so that she can accuse you of it. Not that this child is, I'm not sure I make this child not to be a mastermind, but that's possible that, I mean, look, he said the sister was hot. So maybe she concocted a photo, she just took a picture out of a magazine, or so. - Whatever, look, this could, this could be a very wholesome thing that unfortunately our world has ruined, right? It's again, not to keep quoting different great bits, but Bill Burr's joke about how pedophiles have ruined, like, going up your fat kid in front of him and giving him a good deal of tea. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, get out there fat boy or whatever. - I still have kids. I'm like, get this fucking thing away Chris. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. Unfortunately, 'cause yes, this is like almost some like 1950s, the school teacher, the school teacher. Oh, I met your older sister at the sock hop and we hit it off, right? - Exactly. - But we don't live in that world anymore. - Yeah, I guess not. - That's gone, thanks to Florida. - Thanks to the teachers in Florida, that's gone. - Thanks a lot, horrors. (laughing) - You ruined everything. - So yeah, man, good luck. Energetically, maybe put it out there that you want this, you know, vision boards is about as, it's about as active as you can get. Manifestation is about as active as you can get. - And wait for the opinion. - Wait for the semester ends. - Mark thinks you should fucking ask for the number. - Yeah, I just say, fuck the semester end of the mom. Have a good time. - And then sit a timer on your watch for when she turns 18. (laughing) - All right, Eldi, what else we got, little buddy? - Yo, job, Eldis, esteemed guests, long time listener, first time caller. I've got a bit of a doozy. It was longer once or hang with me. I've been in business with two childhood best friends for the last five years roughly. We opened a company together after working our 20s in normal corporate jobs and business has been relatively successful and so far, so good on the front. However, six months ago, one of my business partners broke up with his at the time girlfriend because he took a bunch of Molly and saw one of our employees in a wedding dress and decided to start dating her instead, that relationship has created a massive shift in the power dynamic and definitely some tension between me and my other business partner and him because this employee has been a problem at our company for the entirety of her tenure. - Oh. - She is miserable and depressed all the time. There is no dragging her out of it. She is just an awful, miserable person. Unfortunately, my business partner who started dating her is starting to become an awful, miserable person. So my real question is, what the hell do we do? Do we confront him and tell him that dating this girl is only creating more problems? Do we just let it ride out and start to cut him out of the business? And add a loss as to how to handle this. - This is tough. - This is tough. - This is tough. - This is tough. - This is tough. - And he is an autistic little cat struggles to literally impress his emotions outwardly and it's gotten to the point where we just don't want to be around him. So I don't know what you think we should do, but curious to hear your thoughts. Thanks, bud. - Can you explain though, so this is a, he broke up with his girlfriend and started dating an employee. - Yeah, basically. - Basically, yes, they basically started a small business that seems to be going well. And he broke up with his girlfriend and started dating an employee. So there's a couple elements to this. First of all, your friend fucked you, right? That's important to note that he is your boy and he completely fucked you. And by the way, starting a business with your friends, you know, I have done it. Obviously there's huge downsides. Sometimes your best friends barely know how to do their fucking job. I would actually love it if Elders was competent and actually started fucking JP on the side. That would actually, that would help stop you maybe enterprise a lot more. - That would be a tall baby. (laughing) - Elders is definitely the one carrying it. - Yeah. - Elders definitely has the birthing hips. (laughing) But so, okay, the first thing is, there's a business perspective, and there's a friendship perspective. And this is also classically why people tell you not to go in business with people very close to you, right? - Yep. - So, I think you have to start from the friendship perspective. You have to start from there because this is your boy, right? And he is, you know, he has trouble with his feet, whatever. You need to tell him like, you gotta figure this shit out, you know, we can't. The other thing is, he's really complicated things 'cause it's an employee. - Exactly. - If it was just, if you just had some dumb bitch girlfriend, you could figure that out a little bit. But now they can't fire her. That's a fucking, that's a crazy lawsuit probably. - Right. - And you have to kind of be like, dude, what the fuck are you doing? You have, we have to figure out a way to fucking, like, you know, this was a mis, I mean, taking Molly and dating and, first of all, did you ever punish him or did he ever get his comeuppance for dating and employee? That's a very interesting, like how small is this company? Is there an HR? Did you guys say, what the fuck are you doing? You're her boss, you can't fucking do that. - Doesn't sound like it. - Probably not, right? So you have to have a conversation. I don't know how that goes, 'cause I don't really even know what you can say to him. - Yeah. - Like, what do you need from him to break up with this person? That, as it's a, it's own. - Yeah. Well, I think the only thing I can think of is, 'cause you can't fire her, she might sue. So that sucks. So you gotta go, anything that happens with her is on you. - Yeah. - And like, you can't affect the whole company. - Yeah. - So maybe you can get that in writing or something, 'cause you brought this crazy bitch into this situation. So you're responsible for her. So she tries to fuck us, Suez. You're gonna have to deal with that. I don't know, this is a tough one. - Yeah. - Or just break up, try to break up with her. - I think, yes. I think like, this is really, this is a difficult, - You could do it us or her kind of thing. You could get the two friends, like, break up with her, stay with the job or. - I think a good starting place might be like, do you even understand like, what happened here with your friend? He's essentially describing this guy, blowing his life up. Like, he took Molly, he broke up with his long-term ex. And I don't know what, what he meant like. - The wedding dress. - It's all one of our employees. - He had a vision. - He had a vision of this, I put the breast woman in a wedding dress. - I didn't get that either. - That's how it felt like to me anyway. - Oh, let's guys, sucks. - Yeah, a vision, but it's like what? - That sounds like, you know, I don't know how old they are, quarter-life, mid-life crisis, something where you're just like. - Well, first of all, even leaving the corporate world and starting a business, that's a little fucking mid-life, quarter-life crisis right there. It's positive 'cause you want to be like, fuck the corp, I don't want to be a corporate fucking slave, I want to start something with my friends. So yeah, maybe all of them will have a little bit of that going on, right? But I do think so there's the friend portion and you do have to have a tough, and that's a good point out, sort of cut you off. 'Cause I think you're right, we're thinking to have the conversation that's like, what the fuck happened, man? Can we start? - Yes. - Can we start there? How are you feeling? It don't even make it about her specifically. It would be like, dude, I'd be honest. You've been a little erratic, you've been a little all over the place, your mood, don't link it to her. It's like, you seem to have gotten more depressed. Like, let's talk about how you're feeling. Like, is everything like, you know, we've had a couple crazy years, 'cause that's the other thing. When you have a successful business popping off, it is like, you don't really have time to reflect. That's a classic poor everything into the business, don't think. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, right. - So maybe you could be like, hey, man, we've been doing this for a couple of years, she's kind of stable. What the fuck's going on? We feel like she's going a little, you feel like you feel a little depressed, you feel a little erratic, you broke up with what's your face, you're starting to get an employee, you kind of fucked us there. Let's talk about it. And really go to him as friends, first and foremost, but then you also have to have the business side of it, right? - Yeah, yeah. - And look, like if Elvis was ultimately doing something, it was fucking things up so, so bad. I would just have to be like, like if Elvis was fucking addicted to fucking drugs, cheating on his wife on the road, I'd be like, all right, man, well, you're suspended indefinitely. - Sure. - You have to go to fucking rehab. - Yeah. - You have to figure your shit out. You're my boy. And right now you're fucking both our relationship and our business up. - Yeah. - I'm not gonna fire you, but I am gonna say you can't fucking be here until you finish figure your shit out. - But he's also sane. - I mean, the other guy, yeah. - Talk about, he's like a, - We're talking about a scenario where he's not. He's lost his mind. - Okay, okay. - Like, and so you gotta approach him as a friend first, but you have a fucking business here and I hate to, and there are obviously things that are more important than business, we're an anti-capitalist podcast here. We don't think just money for money sake will make you happy. There's nothing wrong with having a successful business, but putting just success over everything's a mistake. But also, if you're running a business, you wanna make sure it's fucking functioning. - Yeah. - And if one of your friends is fucking it up, you can be like, "Hey, after we've had the discussion about you as our boy, this is blood into the business." And now you've kind of fucked a couple of things up where you're dating an employee, that's a fucking knife. nightmare, we might have to demote you on paper or we might have to do something because like now, you know, you don't want, you can't, you don't want it to be behind this back because you don't want business to destroy your relationship. He's fucked you. You want to give him the opportunity to redeem himself. But then if he just, if he's like, fuck you, it's love, how dare you talking this way. And he's decided, okay, fine, we're in a corporate fucking, now it's like us versus you. Yeah, exactly. And then you do maybe have to cut him out or just sort of like have, have less decision-making or whatever, or buy him out. Yeah. Cause two against one now. Yeah. And if you pick her over the company, it's not a good time for the company. So I think the, the way to do it is to give your boy, because the cold-hearted way is to cut him out and business-wise, it's like he fucked you behind his back, come up with a plan to cut him out of your business, right, because he's a headache, whatever. That's the smart on paper move, the human thing to do because, and by the way, if he wasn't one of your best friends, I would even say that might be the smart thing to do because he's clearly putting your business in jeopardy. Yeah. But the fact he's one of your best friends means you have to do a what is not smart from a business standpoint and approaching with all your cards on the table and be like, I care about you. Let's figure your shit out. Here's how you fuck the company. Here's how we need to fix it. And if he, if he takes that personally and he's like, fuck you, whatever, that was your attempt to being the bigger man. Yeah. That's true. And he kind of squandered it. Yeah. Cause he did, by the way, he did fuck you again, if Elvis fucking got fucked up and posted his dick on my fucking YouTube and got it taken down, yeah. I would kill him. Right. But the fuck out of it. Right. I wouldn't cut him out of my life again because he is my best friend, but there would be a, there would be retribution. Yeah. Right. And this guy needs to understand he's kind of fucked you and you can still be the bigger person and not be a cold-hearted fucking businessman first and foremost. But if he pushes your hand, you can still just cut him out because he did fuck you. I think that's sort of after thinking about it, I feel like that's right to me. There you go. I mean, I wish we knew what they'd coveted. Great if it was like truth, social or something, guys, it didn't only fans. You like rifle coffee. That would be awesome. If we have some troop coffee, yeah, it's probably, yeah, it's going to be such a bullshit. It's like, we do so. Remember Chiapet? We're doing it. Yeah. Exactly. We have a licensing deal with like fucking Hasbro, just some low level bullshit. Yeah. Anyway, that's an interesting one. That is tough. And I bet you this guy is just, this is Clash. That's a quarter life midlife crisis. Sounds like it. I started a business. He's dating the wrong, he's dating a depressed girl with bangs and piercings probably. He's never tasted depressed pussy in his life. Right. He thinks it's the elixir. He's never was a open-micro in his 20s. Yes, yes. He owns a company now. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. He's never had that before. Of course, of course. A lot of problems here. Hit us with another one. A little L. Dutz. Hi style, me and my husband are in a non monogamous relationship. I don't really date that much mostly because I hate people. Sure. But he's very outgoing, so he does have like a few girlfriends. Respect. Yeah. Unfortunately, every time he gets a girlfriend, they want to have sex with me. Hi, don't, I mean, they want to have sex with him too, but I don't want to have sex with them. Like, I barely want to have sex with my husband. Wow. I'm a non-monogamous really. What's going on? This is interesting. I'd love to talk to him. How would you tell these girls that you don't want to have sex with them in a way that makes them want to continue having sex with my husband? This is crazy. I can't believe my wife's called it. Oh, dude, why the fuck do you patch in Mark's live voice mails? This is a wild one. This is a good one. This is a real. I'd love to talk to this person on a live call because I think it's very interesting to think of a non-monogamous relationship working solely because we, you know, we get questions about mismatched sex drives a lot. Sure. And there's something kind of nice about someone who's not really like a weird poly sex nerd, but she just seems to be kind of an open-minded person who's like, look, I don't like fucking that much. I love my husband. If he wants to go out and fuck girls and he wears a condom and it's safe, great. Yeah. I respect. If you never hear about polyamorous relationships that are purely about like logistics, you know, it's usually about touchy-feeling, weird kind of people trying to get over some kind of sexual drama. Yeah. Just some kind of weird relationship to sex. This is a very pragmatic one that is kind of fun and fun to talk about. Yeah. And also they're trying to bang her and she's not into it. That's also rare. Most of the girls like, let's all fuck and let's all be together. Which is probably my read is that these women want to sort of, because these are all clearly people who are very comfortable in being in a polyamorous non-non-monogamous situation. To me, it's almost like when you're the girlfriend that gets to fuck the wife, that kind of co-signs you as like an upper tier girlfriend, they kind of in the in the harem power rankings. Yes, yes. If you're the one who got to be in the threesome with the wife, you sort of have her blessing almost. That's the top, as the top concubine. Very interesting. That's my guess is that there is some kind of psychology here to that. Yeah. I conquered the husband and the wife. Right. Right. The wife gives me her tacit approval. Right. And, you know, maybe they're just, you know, also maybe they just, you know, they want to fuck you. They think you're hot, whatever. That makes sense too. Yeah. But how do you tell them how about you, I don't think that's a big problem. No, no. Your, your, your husband and his girlfriends can fuck each other, like if they really want a threesome, you know, they, they'll, I don't think this is a big deal. You could just be like, I'm not really into it. By the way, he's in a great set up. This guy. This guy's not going to be like, oh, come on. Exactly. Why would you have a threesome with me and my girlfriend? No. He's pretty pumped. Yeah. You don't even really date. I would ask, is this a, like, just look, maybe I'm just being too, after praising it, now I got to play the opposite, which is like, is, you know, it's in the news right now. Are you in a Lindy West situation? You know, you sound kind of sad. Are you just, are you just depressed person? Right. That's okay. Listen, if you're a depressed person or maybe you just have a flat affect, maybe you're very happy and maybe you don't have a high sex drive, that's okay. But by the way, being the lack of sex drive is part of depression sometimes. That's true. That's true. Did you used to have a high sex drive? Did you used to be more outgoing and because, you know, you didn't even say like he's less horny than me. You're like, he's a more outgoing guy. Yeah. Maybe you're just a homebody who does, she says she doesn't like people. That's fine. It's like fucking her husband. She said even. Yeah. You're even like, so now maybe this is best case scenario. You're kind of like ace, almost asexual. Yeah. You do have a true romantic and even platonic and life partner love with your husband and you're like, yeah, it's not that important to me. I don't care if you fucks girls. Great. But I am curious, is that really the case? Because you just sounded a little sad to me. Agreed. And it's like, I love to make sure you are actually okay with this. It's kind of my thought. Yeah. Because is anybody really okay with this? We do a lot of poly stuff, but a lot of it falls apart. Yeah. A lot of it ends in drama. I agree. And I think what unlocked me was when people were like, well, what about regular marriages? When a poly person is like, okay, yeah, our relationship is doing bad. What about your relationship? That's a good point. That's actually one of their best counters. That's pretty good. Because when I heard that, because I used to love arguing with my friends back home who were really like, because look, to me, I think they just reinvented cheating. Yeah, exactly. They branded it. Like when someone is like, I'm solo poly, it's like, you're just getting pushed, you're getting dick. Yeah. Solo poly means you're seeing people say they're solo but polyamorous. Okay. Which means they're not in a relationship, but they're just letting everybody know. If we ever got in a relationship, I would also need to fuck other people. Day. Which to me, it just means like, no, you're just, you're really just dating. Yeah. That's it. Like a lot of this is just rebranded. Exactly. And listen to me, I think I could see myself being in a fucking, you could argue I have been in open relationships with all the girls I've been in the last couple years because I've never been in a committed relationship. Sure. But I have, you know, I've seen, there's people in my life that I see on a regular basis, whatever, by accident, you kind of enter into one of those. But it's like, yes, the, I think the amount of people that this really works for is probably really small. Yeah. Yeah. But I do think if it does work, it's, it is a situation, it is the best case situation of this one, which is like, yeah, I'm just, it doesn't bother me. And I don't want to fuck that much. And this is just who I am. So maybe that's just who you are. But to my antenna are up. Yes. I'm like, let's, let's examine this. Yes. Are you actually happy? Yeah. Because if you're really into the appali world, you would be kind of like, like, "Oh, the husband and the new girl want to fuck me." - Yeah. - Like at least be flattered by it. She haven't seen flattered. - Even if someone who doesn't like dating very much 'cause you don't like seeing other people it's like, "Well, ostensibly you trust your husband's judgment." - Exactly. - And so this is actually an easy way for you if you weren't social, but-- - Yes, silver platter. - Yeah, silver platter. - My fucking husband's already vetted her. - Exactly. - If you're by, which I assume, you know, I'm a shit man. - Yeah, she's gotta be fine. - But anyway, even the way she's framing it it makes her husband like sound so passive or something. And it's like, how can I just keep these horrors on his dick and keep the intimacy and sex completely outsourced so I don't have to like, deal about like worrying with that with him. - Yeah, right, that's easy. - Yeah, he's living. He's busy this guy. - Yeah, it's like, does he even notice that? - That she's kinda sad. - That you're kinda sad. - That sounds like it. - Or he's like, "All right, yeah, the thing tomorrow, the thing that shocks me is the idea that you would be, you would have found someone you wanna be with." And then you're still on Tinder. - Yeah. - Like to me, it's a lot of work. - I've known people who are in over relationships and it's like, and they really do like their partners. And I'm like, you guys got it. - Yeah. - You wanna go have a first date? - I know, get to know somebody. - Some of them don't even just fuck. If they just fuck that, I kind of, I don't understand that way more. Where it's like, look, we're adults. If you have fucking fuck every once in a while, but it doesn't mean anything. But these are people who have multiple girlfriends and whatever. So anyway, I would examine it, but also your actual problem does not sound like a problem. - No, you got it, you got it made. You don't wanna fuck your husband and somebody else is doing it. And you have to turn them down a few times. Yeah, you're cruising. - But is that her problem overall? Is the lack of communication? 'Cause if she doesn't know how to say this, she definitely doesn't know how to say more complicated stuff. - That's true, that's true. - If she has any nuanced issues with their arrangement, she has no way of voicing that. - Yeah. - I would love to see if you can contact her. I'd love to talk to her on a live call. - Yeah. - I'd love to get to the bottom of this. - And to tell your point about the marriage also falling apart, 'cause Polly should fall apart. Polly should, you break up, there's no legal. - Right. - There's no money, there's no like enough or lawsuit or lawyers or anything. So that's also better. - Or does it end up worse? We're now you have to pay four people. (laughing) - Look, I'm not giving my wife's boyfriend, Jonathan Ascent. - Yeah. (laughing) - We have it. - Yeah. - All right, I'll write it down. The fourth hour, we gotta get that going. - Mm-hmm. - A little LD, why don't you play a something fun to go out on, little buddy. - Sure, let's try this one on for size. - Gustav, LDIS, yes. So my name is a family name that's been in my family for several generations now. And the name itself, like first and last name together, are kind of hilarious. It sounds like a porn star's name. It's something along the lines of like a Hugh Johnson or something like that, obviously not my real name, but it's not the name. And it's striking, but like a great asset in my life, to be honest, the girls love it, the guys love it even more. - Yeah. - Now when it comes to my wife. - My name is Dick Horne. - Yeah, it's Dick Rock. - Dick Rock would be an awesome rock, great name. (laughing) - Dick Rock. - Luke Warms. (laughing) - Keep going, Eld. - My wife and potentially keeping the name in our family, she's probably against it. You think it's a ridiculous name, which I kind of agree with, but like I said, it's done nothing but do great things in my life. So the question is, keep the name or not. Thanks, appreciate you guys. Love the show, bye. - I mean, I'd love to know your real name. - Yeah. - But you gotta keep the name. - Yeah, come on. - If it's a generational thing, look, it's one thing if you had a generational name, like I've known people who are like, you know, whatever, Stanley, whatever the fuck the ninth, or the ship. Like I knew somebody who I was like somebody the sixth. His son would have been the sixth or the seventh. - Wow. - And he's like, that's cool, but also my experience with it, and they're not rich, or anything. People expect you to be some like. - Some air. - Some air, some like, and he had a horrible time with it, and he just decided we're stopping it. - Wow. - 'Cause it wasn't, he doesn't really feel any connection, it whatever, and it's like, okay, that's totally your decision. But if this has been around the family for generations. - And it's funny. - And you like it, that's the main thing. And here's the thing, you can change the kid's name. - Right. - If they don't like it, or they can go by fucking, you know, junior, whatever the fuck, I think it got, personally I think you got to keep it. And I think where you fucked up was not having this conversation with your wife earlier. 'Cause maybe it's not a deal, break it for him. Maybe he's like, to me, I'm just, I still can't get dick rock out of my head. - Yeah, I'm not trying to think about it. - Or like dick powder. (laughing) - Who was that? What the fuck with the Seattle, the quarterbacks, his grandfather was named something hilarious. - Oh really? - Can you look it up? Sam Darnold grandfather. He was the original like Marlboro man, and he was named like Dick, honestly not far off. It was Dick something, Dick Stroker, or something like that. - Damn. - Dick Hammer. - Dick Hammer! - Dick Hammer! - That sounds like one of the Trump's operations. (laughing) - Prison Dick Hammer. - Yeah, Operation Dick Hammer. We're giving Israel all of Europe for Operation Righteous Dick Hammer. - Yeah, that took a certain size. (laughing) - Dick Hammer, come on, let's do it. - Anyway, so let's just say it's Dick Hammer. - Okay, okay. - And your wife wants to make your son's name Gregory Hammer? (laughing) - Oh, the Frank Hammer sounds pretty good too. - Frank Hammer's up, it's not, we're getting bogged down in Hammer. - No. - But the idea that I had Dick Hammer in my family, and I willingly chose not to bestow that on my son, that pisses me the fuck off. - Yeah. - The idea that you would not keep your hilarious name. And again, he loved it. - Right. - If you had an experience where you're like this sucked, people treat, I got made fun of, and look, let's be honest, you might not have, your kid might have the kind of dispensation where they don't like it. And that's all right, nicknames exist, name changes exist, who cares, I think you at least have to give, when it comes to tradition, if it's something you like, I think you got to give it a shot. - Can you go, oh sorry, can you go legal name, but then have a nickname? - Sure. - You know, I give the kid the name, but just call them something else. - Dick is so good, 'cause if they don't fuck with it, when they grow up, - We don't know that it's Dick. - Go Richard. I know, but as an example, it's like, is your name something that could go by those same rules? - No, I wish you would, I wish you told us his name, so we could work really well. - I know, 'cause Hammer, you could do Jack. - Yeah, I know Jack Hammer. - I mean, there's a lot of fun things to do. - Anyway, text, text tell this your actual name, and we'll think about it more. - Yes, please, a text be later, 'cause I'm curious too. But I am firmly in the camp, and look, obviously, you're appealing to us, we're stupid, right? We're the kind of people that if we met a guy named Dick Hammer in a bar, we were buying him drinks all night. - Yes. - We were taking him, we were trying to make him our best friend. - Yeah. - On the strength of his name being Dick Hammer, you know, Dick Rock or whatever. - Yeah, Jack off me, it's up there. (laughing) - But, so whatever, but I do think there, even you take that out of the mix, I think in general, family and tradition, as long as it's not, it doesn't, you know, stop you from developing a sense of individualism, as long as there's nothing, you know, that you're embarrassed by, or they did anything fucked up, 'cause that's another problem with tradition, it's like some of the most, like, you know, some of the most storied New York families, it's like, you go to all the streets and like, Brooke, like, stifes in, well, that's basically a list of slave owners in New York. - Yeah, that's what it does to my, yeah. - So, unfortunately, sometimes tradition does interact with some, - Of course. - Unchill things. - All the time. - But if it's just a fun, - Yeah, it's fun. What do you got, like, Rusty Hog, you know? (laughing) - Rusty Hogger. - Yeah. - I love that, man. So anyway, you gotta keep it. You're fucking wasteful. - Keep it. - Fucking bitch. - Yeah. - No, she's, I get where she's coming from, too. - Yeah. - But, her name's Harry Kooz. (laughing) - That's a guy, wait, no. (laughing) - Harrieta Kooz. - There we go. - Yes, keep the name and let us know what it actually is. - Please. - We wanna know. - He didn't tell you secretly in any back channel. Did he elders? - I just announced the text. Let's see if we get it. We will not get it in the 10 seconds. A small one. - Nice. - Just a pooper. - That's gonna do for folks. Go watch the special. - Yes. - None to please. - None to please on Netflix right now. And yeah, thank you for, I guess we're done touring, eldest. - Woo! - Oh, actually, I just filmed my special. - There you go. - All right, Zelda. - Just two days ago, I was filming my special. - Hell yeah. - Anyway, that's gonna do for us folks. Thank you. Go see Mark on the road. Listen to Tuesdays. Listen to we might be drunk. You do really, you do podcasts with two of my favorite guys in the world. - Oh, I am. - I don't even think about that. - Dude, the funny is guys. - Evan Joe really are like my boy. Maybe the two and Soder, like who once I moved, we're like so over and over. over the top nice to me, but I was like, fuck, man. What's going on here? - We got a good crew out there. - Good crew, good crew. Anyway, that's gonna do it for us folks. We will talk to you next week. Bye bye. (upbeat music)