Welcome to the Strickly Adonymous Podcast. Strickly Adonis Podcast conversations with online strangers. We place ads online. The Craigslist is definitely like the gift that keeps on giving. Real people respond. You don't share a poor title and you cannot do it. The temptation is too long to solve the real problem. Your friend know that you're banging her now. No, it's no idea. And anything goes. The motto of the show, let your freak flag fly. Probably the only good advice I'll ever give you is to rehide your whips and chain. Here is your host, Kathy. Hey, welcome to the Strickly Adonis Podcast with Kathy. If you want to follow the Strickly Adonis Podcast on Instagram or Twitter, follow me @StrictAnonymous. If you want to be on the show, it's called Strickly Adonis. 'Cause they change everyone's voices and names, okay? So if you have an interesting secret naughty life that you want to talk about while remaining anonymous or not anonymous if you're out and proud, you can email me at Strickly Adonis Podcast at gmail.com or go to my website, Strickly Adonis Podcast.com and click on be on the show. Now listen, if you have a naughty confession, you want to leave on my confessions line, you could do that 24/7. The number is 347-4203579. That's 347-4203579. Call from a quiet place. I can't use at once when people call where they're driving. Some of those confessions make it onto a confession's episode. The rest go on to my Patreon. My Patreon is super fun and it's very inexpensive if you ask me. It's only $7 a month and you get every single episode. I do seven episodes a week. You get every single one of them early before anyone gets them as well as intro and add free. You also get all the confessions and you also get Q&As that I do like every other month where I answer a lot of questions as well as you get anonymous picks of probably every single girl that has called into my show, every single female guest. I got pictures of them over on my Patreon. Like I said, it's $7 a month. The link to Patreon is in the description. If you do send it for my Patreon or buy my book, I wrote a book. It's called "Strictly and Non-Musical Infession, Secret Sex Lives of Total Strangers." It's all stories from my show told in the third person. They're super fun. And the audiobook is coming out in August. So if you buy my book either in paperback or ebook or audiobook version, the links are all in description. I will also give you access to my private discord. Like I said, if you join my Patreon or if you call into my show or if you buy my book, I will give complimentary access to my private discord. My private discord is not a paid site. It is free, but it is private and you can only get in if I send you the link. I promise you you will not be disappointed in my discord is full of great, effing people. Okay, so if you buy my book, send me a screenshot of your purchase and I will send you the link to my discord. Last thing I'm going to tell you about is if you want to sign up for stc.com. I do have a free trial for my listeners. Stc is like the world's largest online dating website. And it's such a place where you can hook up with people. You can learn all about the lifestyle, you can find out about all the lifestyle events and meetups and all kinds of things going on in your neighborhood as well as if you're going to travel and you want to have a little fun. You're going to find it all on stc.com. Like I said, you get a free trial if you use my code 37712 or just go to the description and click on the link that's 37712 or just go to the description and click on the link. Okay, today I have a great convo with Dr. Stacey. She was on before when we ended the conversation. She had told me she was in a previously been it was in a very long term open relationship and she open marriage actually and she does help couples with open marriages and couples who want to get into the lifestyle. So I was like, oh, let's do a whole episode on that because the first time she called in we talked about mismatch libidos erectile dysfunction and what men really need in and out of the bedroom. She's great. You're going to love that episode if you haven't listened to it. It's 1473. But this time she called into talk all about, you know, how a couple can get into the lifestyle. First we talk about, you know, the first step, which would be, you know, just bringing up to a partner that you want to maybe open things up and get into the lifestyle and be non monogamous. She talks about how she coaches couples through that phase. They get very detailed in how to bring up fantasies. She talks about how she talks to couples and how she helps guide them to talk about it and bring these things up because that's always the hardest part. Okay. And it's actually like the step that changes the game. She also does talk about how like couples who want to maybe spice things up and really open things up. So I have to go all the way and she talks about how her and her guy now because she had a long term open marriage. She talks in detail about that what they used to do and everything she talks about her 14 year second marriage and she talks about how with this guy they are not open, but they still go to swingers clubs and she talks all about how that can be super fun. And she talks about other options for couples to take that isn't necessarily going out and fucking other people. Then we get into the next page which would be the couple that have already decided to get into the lifestyle. She talks about how she coaches them before they open things up like the important things to discuss what to do the types of things that could come up. And then we talk about problems in a lifestyle a couple that comes to her because someone's feeling jealous or there didn't work out for them and she talks about how couples can work through that phase. It's a very informative episode each step of the way she gives so much great information for couples no matter where you're at in this you know lifestyle journey. You're going to get something out of this episode. She's also available to help people. She does that all the time. She gives a free call to people and she calls it a free call to an exploratory call. But it's free. It's like a free consultation call to find out if she could help you. She typically works with couples short term on a short term basis where she guides them through getting into the lifestyle you know and all that kind of good stuff. She's great. I think she's great. If I was in a relationship and wanting to open things up and wanted a little help I'd hire her. I think you're going to love her. I'm going to put her link to her website in the description but anyway I'm going to get right to it and be right back on with Dr. Stacey Friedman. This is the strictly anonymous podcast strictly anonymous podcast. Oh hi Dr. Stacey. Welcome back to the strictly anonymous podcast. How are you today? I'm doing great. Thanks for having me back again. I enjoyed our first time so I'm sure it'll be great again today. Well you did throw out at the last minute when we spoke last time that you were in a non-monogamous relationship or maybe you told me that but like you talk on that too and I'm like why don't we just talk about that as well because that's a whole other side of you that I didn't know but it's also something that you talk about right and talk on. Are you a sexist? Give me your credentials again. Yeah I'm a private intimacy advisor. I'm a clinical sexologist and sex coach and I also have 26 years in the medical field as an ultrasound tech so I have a lot of medical background as well so I love you. I love you. I love you. Talk about all that good stuff. When I go get ultrasounds and biopsies like I'm just like I'm watching in like such interest like I can't even tell you I'm like so jealous I'm not doing the work you know and don't know everything is going to be interesting to me for some reason but anyway your first episode was four times that your first episode would be enough to do with ultrasounds. I had to do with a mismatched libido as we talked about a reptile dysfunction what men really need in and out of the bedroom right that was a really good episode of people have been checked it out they should check it out it's number 1473 I'll put that number next year name in the description so people can remember but you did tell me I think a little bit I forget it was right in the beginning right at the end that you are in a non-monogamous relationship right and we are going to yeah this time I'm not but I was. I have history of it and it is one of my specialties working with people that are trying to either do any type of alternative lifestyle or ethical what they call FEM ethical nominative okay but were you a dominatrix to or is that not you. No but I can be. What was it that you said at the end I forgot that was like oh wait why are you telling me this now do you remember what it is. Well I think that's what kind of yeah I think that's kind of what got the subject started about the like swinging lifestyle and all that kind of stuff is that I had been in one and you help people yeah and you help people with it now yeah and I love that because my people are all listening to my show either they're in open relationships or they want to be in an open relationship you know so yeah that's what I thought we should talk about now when you're typically helping couples is it like couple and I'm assuming you're going to be like all of the above you know but like are you talking to couples who want to open who are open already and having issues like who are you typically talking to about open relationships. All of the above right but no but I think that a lot of people I'll actually get some people that reach out to me alone saying this is something I'm interested in how do I even bring it up to my partner how I get started so there's like actual three different types of people is the ones that want to get started don't know how to bring it up and then couples that are both brought it up and are interested in getting started and want to know the pros and cons and how to make sure they do that. And then there's couples who say I wish we found you sooner when we didn't screw it up okay well you just gave me the whole outline for our whole podcast episode okay we're going to start and go through it.
each phase and talk about like what's going on in those phases, what to do, what not to do, and all that kind of good stuff, right? Because probably people that are listening are going to fall into those three categories as well. And I think you told it in the perfect chronological order, right? So let's start with the person wanting to get into it and they, but they don't know how to bring it up with their partner. I think that people are so quick too. And I did this whole month on my social media on fantasy. And people like, there's no way I would say anything to her, you're just going to cause us to get a divorce. And I'm like, you don't just come right out and say, I want to be in a three-some. I'm sorry, but I'm sorry I'm cutting you off and I'm not going to do that. I promise. But I'm sorry, no person's going to end a whole marriage because you brought up a fantasy that they're not even, they don't even leave people after they cheated on them. I know. And houses, I mean, your wife's not going to divorce you over a fucking fantasy, but anyway, go on. I know, but these be it's just like, you know, I guess their insecurities come up or, you know, I said, if they're, if they're going to divorce you over something so, so there's other problems. There's other issues that need to be addressed. But I try to tell people, we can't just go right ahead and just say, Hey, I was thinking about being in a three-some or thinking about doing this because the partner, if it's just coming out of nowhere, they're going to look at you and be like, what's wrong with me? Why am I not enough? You know, they're going to probably personalize it, internalize it. And so it's very important to be able to start having a conversation just about sex and general and finding out what are some things that you might like or what are some things you're interested in or sometimes you could even like Google or do a chat and saying like, you know, a hundred questions on sex and different types of open relationships. And then when the question comes up, it's a good conversation starter. So you can at least test the waters, you know, to see what people might think about it. Oh my god. And they're they are so smart nowadays. How they have these because like I've done some Q&As recently on Sundays and people have been emailing me like, oh, and I, you know, I do the Q&As with the person on the call, but people have been emailing me. Oh, give me the list because I want to do it with my partner because you do learn a lot about people, but they have these apps out nowadays that are so perfect the way they're set up because what happens is they're like a swipe right swipe left. You do it with your partner. And I forget the name of the apps. I'll look it up and put it in the description, but it really isn't app that like you and your partner go through kinks and things that you're into. Yeah. And you say whether you are or aren't and what happens, and this is what's so brilliant about the way that they're set up is what happens is you only see what you match the way you're connected. Yeah. Exactly. You do not see that your partner, you know, clicked on. I want to have an orgy if they're not into having an orgy. So they're never going to know, right? Well, it's it's kind of like on my website, drstacey Friedman.com, my website. I have a free sex tips, free downloads. And one of them is the yes, no, maybe list. And it's kind of similar to what you were saying, but usually when I'm working with people, I tell them to fill up the list and bring them to me. So it's private. When I read it to the people when I'm working with them side by side, I usually just pick the ones that are matched. That's mark. If you have a very safe relationship where you feel like you can share things, it's also something you can do together. But the sites like you were talking about where they match them up and you only get to the ones that are matching is really good. But that can help bring up a conversation where before rather than just saying, Hey, would you be wanting to do a three summer? Would you want a swinging relationship? It's much more difficult. So having that where it just comes up kind of organically is a much better way to start that conversation. Yeah, of course. And listen, I don't think it's that big of a deal to bring up the stuff that you're into that your partner isn't into because a lot of times that's how people wind up realizing what they're into. I don't think we're all born with like stuff that we're into and that stays the same or whole lives, right? It's absolutely 1000% true that even what we're into sexually grows and changes so much as you get older. And I've heard millions of people talk about how they tried something that they never thought they were into because their partner opened them up to it and they were into it. So I say go for it and even bring up don't be afraid to bring up something that maybe your partner didn't say yes to because maybe you'll get them into it. You never know. You can change on a daily basis on a yearly basis. The problem is that there are a lot and this is what my month of July is all about is religious cultural and slut-shaming and a lot of people have a hard time bringing things up because their partners shame them. And for example, men that want to be pegged, let's say many of them won't bring it up. One guy said he brought it up and his wife said what do you gay and like automatically shamed him so he's like I'm not bringing anything up, you know, the way she talked to me, things like that. So that's why sometimes when it comes up organically rather than just sharing something if you're not sure where your relationship lies, that could be the safer space. Otherwise if you're able to share fantasies or ideas of things you like, then go ahead and just say hey let's just talk about some things we were interested in. Does it mean it has to happen? But let's just talk about it. Okay everyone, remember the good old days when sex wasn't rushed and you and your partner and savored every moment? Well this summer why not slow the fuck down and start savoring sex again? And while you're at it, since sex really is a skill, why not up your game by learning something new? And you know where you're going to learn something new? It's unbejudicated. But if it is, the Netflix of sex education, they literally have over 150 courses on sex. They have courses on everything from Yoni massage to different sex positions, guided masturbation if you're down to play with yourself and the best oral sex courses ever. Okay listen if you're a guy, you need to check out their connolly-ness courses. It features 10 different new moves that you could try on your girl that she's going to love. Okay and the best thing about bejudicated is you're going to learn those moves by seeing a guy doing them on a girl. That's right most of their courses include a video tutorial featuring real hot humans guiding you. Okay so you're not just going to learn by reading about it, you're going to learn by seeing it in action. So what are you waiting for? Go check out bejudicated. All you got to do is go to the description, click on the link in you're going to get your own personalized roadmap to a slower, more pleasurable sex life. That's right. It's super easy. Just go to the description, click on the link to get your personalized roadmap to better sex. Yeah no. It's and that's what I think the biggest fear is. It's because I think putting out your like fancy, especially your sexual ones are, is a very vulnerable place to do. Absolutely. Yes. Especially because what a lot of people are faced, their biggest fear is like, "Oh, are you're gross?" You know what I mean? And a lot of times that's what people say and give someone if they're not open to it. And that's like a terrible feeling for the other person. It is. It closes them up immediately. Yeah and that's what I think most people are afraid of bringing something up. For women it's like, "I'm a whore." For men it's like, "Oh, you're disgusting pig." You know what I mean? It's like it's scary for plenty of reasons. But it has to be something that, like that is though the first step, right? Because how else are you going to get there? Yeah. It's the first step of just getting the idea out there and just seeing like if one of the questions were, "Oh, would you ever be in a three-summer? Would you ever want an open marriage? Would you ever want a swinging?" And so on goes, "Oh God, that's ridiculous. Never. I would never do that." Then you kind of already know it without even having to bring it up or someone might say, "I don't really know enough about it to make a decision." Then you might be like, "Oh, would you want to just look at it and see what it's about?" Right? And are all those things like even if someone says, "No, that's something I would never do." Like, isn't it possible that like there's other alternatives? Like you could just like then mock up the situations in role play and right in the battle. Role play. Role play is ideal talking about it and what a lot of people don't really know is because I was in the lifestyle. I know all this as well as my education, but you don't have to be in a swinging lifestyle or alternative lifestyle to go to a swing club and just enjoy the atmosphere and the sex sexy vibe that's out there and you could just be with your partner. Nobody else. You can go into a room. You could shut the door, but you could be watching people. They could watch you if you want any of that. And that could just give you an idea of what the environment is like. And that's where you could stop if you wanted to. That's what I love having couples on who are totally vanilla like that because I feel like a lot of times it's like so much more like relatable than my couples who are doing orgies and gang bings and hard swabs because you know maybe the majority of people aren't ever going to go that far, but I think what's really great is to show them this other side of things. And the fact and the truth is because you lived in that world and I've heard it before. It's like the swinging community is nobody pushes anyone to do anything. No, you could not absolutely go to a club right and not engage at all. At all right. And no one's going to judge you for it right. No, no, and then you could be so horny and go fuck your partner when you get home. You know, it's like you don't even have to do it at the club. But that's what it is. It's the most consensual space more so than going to a bar and having someone try to pick you up when you have this nasty person just like leave me alone. I said no, where if you go to a club, if you go as another couple because I've gone with my husband now when we're not in a lifestyle, we go just because of the environment to be able to watch others to be able to do things in front of people to just have that freedom. And if someone says, oh, can I join? No, thank you. Okay, do you mind if we watch? Sure, go ahead and watch. You know what I mean? It's It's so easy and so. open to be able to just enjoy each other. - Right. And you don't even have to take your clothes off. I mean, you could, no, you could stay as vanilla as you want and literally say that's what we're gonna do. You never know how you're gonna feel when you're there. - Oh, yes, sure. - Exactly, right? Can I ask you a quick question? Then we're gonna get back to exactly where we're just at. Like, why did you go from having an open relationship and now you're not in one? Like, what's the difference? Is it a new partner and they're not into it? Or you don't want to yet with them? Like, what changed in you or in the relationship? - Well, I think that in my previous relationship, not saying that you have to be in the lifestyle because you're missing something. Because I know that in my marriage right now, I have absolutely everything I could ever want or need sexually, emotionally, physically, everything. So I don't need anything else. And they usually, most people, there's always something maybe missing, not dramatically, but even with my partner, if we go, we still enjoy it and you know what we've been together for 14 years, it's still open, it's still a possibility. I might still have a three-sub, I might still bring in another couple every once in a while if we decide to, but it's not something that is, first of all, in the time of my life that I want or need. But in my previous marriage, it was something that was needed. I was younger, it was a little bit more wild. And I was missing quite a few things from my marriage, even though I had a very solid, good marriage. And we like to explore and experiment. So we wound up doing that. And I was actually the pusher of it. - Well listen, maybe it's not so much that it's, like there's nothing missing now, but maybe it had more to do with just like, now actually you just having been there done that. Like you got it all out of, also right? - I mean, you're somebody - I think that's all out of my system. - You know, I have to assume if you were the pusher of it, you were someone that was very curious, very open and very much wanting to experience all the stuff. And you did, right? For how many years were you in the lifestyle with your plus? - Oh gosh, most of the marriage, I'd probably say about 15 years maybe. - Yeah, that's a long time. You've been there done that. Everything, like what were you and your husband into? - Just swapping with couples or being, three sums, you know, we start off with just the three sums and then it got to be a little bit more because then start, people started getting married and then the men started having to be included, but then, you know, and then we're like, okay, well the men can just watch and not touch and then it's like, okay, well then maybe the men can touch but we can't have sex and then it developed into like, okay, maybe we can have sex. There were all little levels, all little steps, the guys stayed again away from the guys. It was all about the women and it was all about just the fun and the connections we made because it wasn't always like we got together and had sex, the relationships, the friendships, were what was very valuable, which it's a different, it's so open, like you could just joke around with people and it was just easy, you don't have to worry about it. - Yeah, I think that's why they call it the lifestyle, right? So yeah, maybe it's like, you've kind of been there done that and I think it's like, you know, that's maybe that's the reason why some people who are in a 14 year vanilla marriage for so long, the second time around me, they want to open things up because they've never done that before, you know? - Yes, yes. So it totally makes sense. So last question though about that, when you met your second husband, the guy that you're with now, when did you cop to the fact that this is like who you were and this was your past and how did he react? - Immediately. - Okay, and how did he react? Was he like, oh, one of the things is like, I wasn't looking for anything serious at the time because my now husband was in the middle of splitting up with his wife, I was splitting up with mine and we just wanted to have a good time. - Right. - And I said, you know what, I don't want to have to hide who I am. I was always having to hide in my previous relationship who I was, who I spoke to and I said, this is who I am. I'm very sexual, I'm very open-minded and whoever's going to know me is going to know me, 100% me and if they're not into it, then they can, it's not right person for me. So I was very open about just saying, yeah, you know, this is who I am. I explained, you know, when we talked about the history, if I felt any shame or any pushback, then it wasn't somebody that I wanted to be with. - And what was his reaction, your guy? - Yeah, he was just like, cool, sign me up. - You know. - But then, but I was disappointed that you're like, but I don't want to do it anymore. Like, how did you guys decide not to go down that route? Considering you come into the relationship by somebody that had been there, done that, did you, were you also done with it by the time you met him and knew going into a new relationship that you were going to be open again? - I was, I was pretty done with it because I had it for so many years, but I always said that, you know, if it's something you were interested in or opened to, 'cause he had just a regular, I say regular, a monogamous relationship. - But now we call it a relationship. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's my regular. And I basically said, if you ever have an interest in being with somebody else or doing other things or experimenting, let me know, I'm open. I'm completely open, but because, I mean, it's a very unique relationship that he and I have because it's not something that most people have. It is perfection. I mean, our relationship is literal perfection and I'm happy and he's happy spending 24/7 with each other in a little hole. You know, I mean, it's just a very, very solid relationship. But, you know, when I asked him, I was like, well, what are some of your fantasies? And he's like, I don't know, I'd be cool to have, you know, three sums or this or that. I'm like, okay, well, let's keep our eyes open if it's ever an opportunity, I'm open to it. And that was it. It's just having those conversations and saying, you know, he didn't need to have everything that I had. He didn't need it. We've gone to the clubs. We've enjoyed the clubs. And he loves the clubs, but does he need to go sleep around with people? He doesn't care. He's got me. I'm a sexologist, sex coach. I give him what he needs. Yeah, yeah. That's great. I mean, listen, I don't think, like, I just think everybody's wired very different and I think some people are wired to be, like, listen, some people want to eat the same thing every time they go to a restaurant and some people want variety, right? Like, we're all very different, you know? Yes. So I don't know that it's like, oh, you don't need anything, but you just happy with each other. And that's what's like working right now. But I love that. Your, and what I think sometimes, like, what you resist persists and sometimes when someone knows they can't have something, it's like so elusive to them. Oh, what's in their whole mind? Fucking think about. You're kind of like a chip cookie. Yeah, I can't eat that chocolate chip cookies. I'm like, I ain't fucking it. I want the cookie. Yeah, that's all you ever want. I think, you know, with your guy knowing that it's whenever and going to the clubs and he gets it, you know, there's so much less pressure. And that's why he doesn't even think of it because it just could be when I, you know, and there's something to that. So that brings us right back to like where we were starting from, right? Like where you bring it up and you have those conversations and you get, you know, you talk about your quote unquote fantasies. Let's say the part of the-- I made it a safe space. I made it a safe space. If he ever needed to talk about it or wanted something different just to let me know and we'll talk about it. Well, plus you also made it like, let's go to some clubs and do it. I mean, you took it a step further than most vanilla people. And that's what I think is such a great thing that couples can also bring up. Like, let's just like, we don't even need to go and do these things. Like, I had a couple that were talking about three Sims and Hot Wafing and they wound up getting a fuck machine. And it was like so great for them to like mock it up with that that they didn't ever wind up crossing the line. And then the furthest they went was like exchanging like videos with another couple of mine, which I think is also another creative way of maybe staying with only your partner, but also doing something a little more naughty than regular vanilla something, you know? Yeah, I tell people to bring in like a suction cup dong if the guy wants to see his wife with somebody else and doing things like that. There's ways around it. It's a feeling many times people will get that they want to have not necessarily the actual fantasy itself. Exactly. So there's ways around it. Yeah, a good role play goes a long way. But let's say the partner is open and interested, right? And now you're with that couple that's about to maybe open things up. Like how do you counsel them and what kind of conversations should they be having? Well, first of all, the reason why that is so important because if people say, oh, everything sucks, our marriage is that we need to spice things up, you know, because things are not doing well. No, that's not what you do. You make sure you add on a solid ground. It's really about solidifying your relationship and then saying, OK, you know what? We have a great relationship. What are some things we want to do to add to it? It's adding to it. It's not doing it in place of. You know, things are not good. So let's try to do this. These then that can just get worse. If there's jealousy involved, you have to say, am I a jealous person? If you don't know, you need to start small, such as just going to a club without doing anything. You have to have boundaries. You have to think of the pros and the cons, any scenario that you can imagine. So these are things that I work with people. It's like, OK, well, these are some scenarios. I've been there, I've done it. I've worked with people. And I know scenarios that people have been in, they're drinking. You do not drink the first time you're going to a club. But then people sometimes want to drink because they want to be comfortable. But then you're not 100% in control. Oh, no, yeah, no. First of all, when you're a whore, it's like your drunk already. So-- You're not saying that properly. If you had alcohol on top of it, that's like the rest of people. And you know what? I'm really surprised at-- and I mean, maybe this is just the people who call into my show-- but how much less alcohol that's taking going on in the Swinger community than in a regular bar? Most people that I talk to are not doing this shit at half loaded. You know what I'm saying? At all. They're not.
- No, because they want to be able to feel it and enjoy it. And most of these on-premise clubs, when I say on-premise, it means you're allowed to have sex there. They don't even sell alcohol. You have to bring in your own alcohol. They only have the other side drinks, like juices and coax and things like that. - And as a professional singer, you and your husband, would you have want even approached the person that seemed like totally drunk in a swingers club? Probably not. - No, because then you're worried about, are they gonna be able to take a sense? - Yeah, and are they going to listen if I say no? You know, are they going to be respectful? Even though I've really never had negative experiences that I can remember, everyone has been really, really good. But, you know, it's usually people have to start off with the drinking because they're not necessarily comfortable. But when you're dealing with everybody that has the same mindset, it's all like, hey, you know, are you interested? No, thanks, I'm good. Okay, cool, no problem. And go, it's just so much easier where you don't have to worry about it because you're not fearing that rejection in the same way. It's hard to explain, but it just, that's one of the things that I'm like, you know what, go sober and just don't do anything with anybody, go with your boundaries, write down the pros and cons, write down why you're doing this. Think of different scenarios and like, if this happens, what do we do? If this happens, especially when you get started, you could get started and just saying, no, we're not able to do anything, but if someone wants to kiss you, you can kiss and that's it. - Right. - Okay, you know, these little baby steps and these little baby boundaries are okay, but you always have to focus on your partner. You always have to be in tune with your partner. - Right. And how important are boundaries before people even get started? - And rules, right? - Oh, right. - You know, all that kind of good stuff. - Otherwise, they come to me and that's a third step. - We're gonna get there. That's our next thing. - Oh my god. - Oh my god. - Yes, the boundaries are the thing. You should never do it unless you really talk through those boundaries because they will get crossed if you do not discuss them before. - Right. - And then you're gonna wind up having to do the work after to fix it or to be able to try to get those feelings past that, oh my god, they did something that I didn't want them to or that made me uncomfortable or now I don't know if I can look at them the same way. - Yeah. - As you can suck up your marriage. - Yeah, totally. And it's important for couples to know that those boundaries most likely will change. Some will be added. - Oh, they change all the time. - They change all the time. - Do you remember the ones you and your husband, your first husband had? - Yes, we changed them with every single experience we did. And sometimes it just depended on the day. If we weren't in the mood or let's say for some reason I had a period or something, we'd be like, okay, well there's no sex today because I'm not able to or this is, you know, whatever it is. The boundaries can change every single time you go out to a new experience. - Right. - And so yeah. And what's most important, like for that couple to take into consideration may be like besides boundaries and stuff, anything else that they should do before they head out to their first experience? - Well, a lot of people are very careful with condoms. So you always wanna make sure that you're protected and you always wanna double check and do safety checks. Medical, you know, making sure that you're physically healthy. - Yeah. - That would be the first thing. Second thing, yes, obviously there's the boundaries, but knowing that your partner is your number one because what I've seen happen is that people will go and especially if they're drinking, they'll get so into what they're doing and they're not realizing their partner is sitting there three steps away with their hands crossed just watching pissed off. And so you have to always check in. Are you doing okay? How is everything? Is there anything that you wanna talk about or have a safe word where if your partner says, "Um, not pineapple," because that just means swinging. But you could say something like, "You know, I need to get some ice water if you don't wanna make it obvious," or you could say, "Red light," or whatever. So the person knows, "Okay, this person needs me to stop what I'm doing. You need to stop. I don't care how turned on you are. I don't care if you're in the middle of fucking, you listen to your partner." - Yeah. - Safe words can be helpful night or day. - Yeah, and explain some situations that you would, like tell couples about that they might get into and they will have to work through so that they kinda know what they might be in for. Like what are some of those, we give two maybe examples of what you would go through with a couple just to test them out. - Yeah. - Well, a lot of people don't know if they're gonna be jealous or not. - Yeah. - So you need to definitely start slow. And so if you're gonna start kissing or making out and your partner feels some jealousy and you're sitting here going, "Oh my God, this is amazing. I've been with the same person for 20 years. I can't believe that I'm with somebody else." This is so exciting. And then your partner says something and you be like, "Oh wait, wait, let me just finish up here. I'm almost done," or whatever it is. No, it needs to be immediate. Because if not, then you lose respect and that partner loses that safety. - Yeah. - You have to listen immediately to your partner. I don't care if you're in the middle of having sex and you're gonna blow any second. - Okay. - Yeah. - You have to, you literally, it could completely do rail your entire situation. That would be one of them. And also just sometimes if you're doing something with a part with somebody else, reach for your partner. Don't make it all about, especially if your partner is there because this was a situation where the partner's like, "I'm sitting here by myself three feet away, just staring and that person didn't even know I was even in the room anymore." So always try to include, depending on what you talked about, obviously. But try to include, try to look back at your partner, try to recognize, acknowledge, so your partner knows that you are there. - Yeah, and listen, and that's an area that you're talking about. I just had a couple on that, had that exact thing happen. And the details were not, oh, 'cause it sounds like you're talking about like a guy that just like, or a girl who's just forgetting about their partner, that's not necessarily the case. The reason why it happened with a couple recently, and this is like a real situation that could happen is, like they were couple swapping, right? They both approved of the man and the woman, and they were both attracted to them to start off. But once they started going, the guy, the woman, was with the guy, and the guy was horrible. He couldn't get it up, he, you know what I mean? So she was having a terrible experience. Her guy was having the best experience, but he didn't know, you know what I mean? He wasn't, it wasn't like he just forgot about her, you know, they had agreed, they went into a couple swap, but it didn't work out, and a lot of times those four-way connections are hard to get, right? So that could very well happen. So she was very upset because there she was not having a good time, and he wasn't, he just didn't even take that time to look over. They were newbie couple, right? To do what you said, which was make sure your partner's also having a good time, 'cause that's the kind of scenario that could wind up happening, especially with the four-way connection. You don't know. And, but sometimes you're not gonna have the exact connection, there's many times, 'cause swinging is a woman's world. And I say that because they're usually the ones that make the rules. And what happens many times is that the guy may not get a situation where the woman may want, or I mean, sometimes you say, oh, I take one for the team. Sometimes there is a take one for the team, but not every experience is gonna go well, and that doesn't mean that you need to be upset with your partner. So if this situation doesn't go well because let's say someone can't get it up, for example, that is, it's not really fair to sit there and get mad at your partner because they're enjoying themselves when you are not. Find other ways to have fun, and this just goes back to just regular sex. It's not all about the intercourse. There's other things that you can do to have fun, and if you're getting bored and you're done, and you're done with it, you go up to your partner and just say, hey, I'm ready when you are, or whatever, if you wanna let 'em finish, let 'em finish, if you wanna just get them off right there and say that you're gonna help them, maybe you help them, maybe you involve yourself. So there's just a lot of scenarios that people may not know exist. - Yeah, and one thing that I didn't know really exists in a Swinger Club and is more common than I thought, is that a lot of men do have getting it up problem while they're, who might typically not have it, outside. - Oh, they're almost all in meds. - Yeah, right? And that, so it happens, I just had Mr. and Mrs. Jones from We Got a Thing podcast, and he had like, prostate cancer, and he went through a time where he couldn't get up, and he did figure out ways to keep that other person happy and comfortable because even when he couldn't get it up, 'cause it happens, and by the way, the other thing I was gonna point down and say is like, the taking one for the team thing gets old really fast. Like I talked a lot about it. - Yes, it does. - Beginning, the lals take one for the team. But after a while, all those rules and boundaries, they start adding them and like taking one for the team isn't working for anyone down the line. - Yeah. - They figure out other ways to have fun because that becomes not so great after a while. So let's talk about when, I mean, in that couple, when she looked over in her husband, I mean, they didn't, she totally understood what was going on, and she didn't get mad. But I have had plenty of couples on my call, who, you know, and I have couple of friends of mine in New York City who are professional swingers, and once in a blue moon, one of them might get jealous, and they're not jealous people, 'cause who knows? - Right. - You know what I mean? - It happens. - Yeah, everyone's human. You never know how you're gonna feel on a certain day, you know, and it could be the other person's acting away that makes you feel a certain way, you know? - Right. - You know, what is, how do you talk to people and tell them like, what are they supposed to do when they have the
- Those kinds of love words. - Yeah, afterwards. - Yeah. - And they all, even if they are, like you said, professional lifestyle, swingers, things, you are gonna have situations that that's gonna happen. - Totally. - The most important thing is understanding that it is a situation, it doesn't, we don't always know how it's gonna come out and we don't always know how we or our partners are gonna feel. - Right. - So always come from a place of curiosity and a place of compassion. And so after, if you're getting a little upset or jealous or anxious about something, don't sit there and just start yelling at your partner because that can just ruin everything. Just say, listen, you always need to have some type of a, when you're done with the evening or the morning to talk about it and say, was there anything that bothered you? Is there anything you need to change? Always have like a little powwow about it, so that way you know the next time. But if something's bothering you, say, listen, this upset me and the person should not be defensive. Well, when never upset you before, then it can start getting into an issue. But majority of the time in the lifestyle, people are very understanding that these things happen. So it's really saying something about it. Just saying, you know, when you did that, I did get jealous and let the person have the compassion back and say, I'm so sorry, it wasn't what I intended. You know, it's usually not even sent necessarily their fault. It's just the feeling that that person had. So talking through it and saying, well, what could I have done? Well, what can I do next time so that doesn't happen? And it's just having a conversation. People don't know how to have conversations anymore. And what people don't understand, and I say this all the time and make jokes about it, is that the over communication that takes place and open relationships, because you know, for the successful ones at least, the ones who are successful are talking ad nauseam, right? They are talking before they go. They're talking while they're looking through the apps. They're talking on their way. Always talking. They're always talking. And ultimately, that's what makes them feel so much closer to their partners. It's the fucking talking, they're finally talking again about something else besides kids. And what are we having for the same bullshit that everyone else is talking about? They're talking about new things. They have something in common. And that's like the exciting part. And to me, it's like the reason why these couples always at the end of my episodes with them, I always ask them, how is your relationship different because of this? Because a lot of times that they're married 30 years, and now they just opened it up. And it's that they feel so much closer. And I think it's the over talking. And because that's the part of communication. Yeah. Because these are things that you can't talk about. I mean, there's so many people when I did all these posts on fantasy that are like, oh, I can't talk to my partner about that. I can't talk to my partner about that. And it's like, that's this lifestyle. Even though it's not something I'm in right now, I have that communication ability with my partner. But it did help us, my ex and I stay together even that much longer because we had so much better communication, because we were able to really tune in on to how are we feeling? What do we need? What do we want? Right. And people that are in these lifestyles, a lot of people like, oh, it's just an excuse to get out of your marriage or it's just an excuse to cheat and all this kind of stuff. No, it actually can bring you closer with all of the connections that you make, not even just with yourself knowing yourself better on your body, but your partners. Oh, yeah. And I had a guy recently and I know he put in towards what so many other guys have never put in towards, 'cause it was the first time I ever heard it. And I've totally talked to tons of guys who have had, like, jealous feelings after seeing their wife with someone the first time. I've heard that story many times, like they want their wife to hot wife. They finally, it happens and they don't feel that okay with it the first time for whatever reason. You know, in this one guy, he worked through it. It was very important for him to work through his feelings and get to the other side, 'cause he still wanted to experience it. That was his decision. You know, and what he said is over time, and now he enjoys it and he was able to work through it pretty fast, by the way. It wasn't like it took him two years to not feel jealous. It was like by the third time he wasn't jealous at all. But what he said, and I feel like, oh, this must be so true for so many other guys is that he felt like being vulnerable about feeling like jealous and putting that out there with his wife, made him feel closer to his wife than he ever had been because he showed aside of, he just felt more seen by his wife than he had ever before. And I think that really helps men, 'cause typically men aren't walking around vulnerable and open about their feelings, about fucking anything, right? It's so not manly, right? Like blah, blah, blah, blah. It's like the thing, but you have to in the lifestyle, right? So when these guys start opening up, I'm feeling jealous, or I felt, you know, like this guy said it, like made him feel closer to his wife to sort of show that part of him, 'cause we all know guys have those vulnerable sides of themselves, right? But they're totally hidden. Yeah, and it helps the wife show compassion and help feed the ego a little bit for the man to be able to say, I'm here for you, I got you, I love you. Totally. You know, things like that. And so that vulnerability also helps the woman feel more attracted to the man because they are opening themselves up and being more vulnerable. Yeah, I mean, as a woman, yeah, I mean, as a woman, we could just sit here and tell guys right away, like all we want is to see that side of our partner, right? Like, it would never be, it's like me to turn off to another guy, you know what I mean? 'Cause you're all so worried about not being a fucking man, but no woman is ever upset if she sees a vulnerable side. Like, we always just want to be closer and get deeper with our guys. That's like what every woman wants from her guy. So you're never gonna get a woman looking at you funny for that. She's only gonna, like you said, be more turned on if you ask me because that you, she felt like, she feels like she's getting a side of you that nobody else has ever seen, right? That's what we all want. Yeah, yeah. More guys, right? And it's very sexy. It can be very, very sexy, absolutely. Yeah, and I thought, oh, it was key is that the guy talked about how he felt like it so much better about doing it because he was this macho guy who had never put himself out there, you know? I mean, have you seen a lot of, like, when you're seeing people come in who are having the problems, do you ever tell some couples, like maybe this just isn't for you? Like, what kind of couples is this not for? Well, there's many times I tell people that they should not because when they're coming to me a lot of times, they are in a situation that they are one person might be wanting it and the other one's not really crazy about it, but then they're like, well, you know, it's something that he's constantly or she's constantly bringing up or something like that. I think people who have a lot of jealousy, people who are fighting all the time and they're just looking to, you know, try to do something different, those, it's not healthy. And I think that if you're trying to do it where you just want a way to be with other people, it's not necessarily healthy too because then you're looking for it because of going somewhere else and not doing it with your partner. Right. Yeah, and how many people, maybe like, there's people out there, I don't know, maybe you've seen them, maybe they don't even realize that that's, you know, kind of the reason why they went down that path, but maybe looking back, they see it, you know, like, right? Well, that's why when I've talked to a lot of people, listen, there could be a situation where the wife is like, you know what, I have no interest in really having sex anymore. I have this, you know, I have pain, I'm not interested. Go ahead, let's have an open relationship, you do what you want to do, I don't really need to do it. And then the person is doing it, the way they want to do it, and it's fine. So it can be for a lot of different reasons. So I think the reason, that's why I said, when you first figure out this is something you want to do, figure out why, and figure out if it makes sense. And, you know, and thinking of the pros and cons, because that's going to make the whole difference, because it's definitely not for everybody. And it definitely can ruin a relationship if not done, I don't want to say the right way, but not done in a healthy way. Yeah, totally. I mean, I love a Swinger God wrong story. Only because I feel like people learn from it. This is what you shouldn't do. I have plenty, and what I think is important is that the majority of my episodes are stories that show that non-monogamy can work, because I feel like the typical word on the street out in the vanilla world is the minute you open up your relationship, it's doomed for failure. You know, I heard two people talking on a regular, like Bravo podcast I listened to, that's my world, you know. And they were talking about like, 'cause all these women on a real house I've shown recently, we're talking about all the three since they had with their husband. You know, and the women discussing it, we're saying like, oh, you know, that just means your partner doesn't love you and all this kind of stuff. And so I, you know, I'm like, you know, what my show is always here to say is like, I don't think everyone should be non-monogamous. Most of my friends are monogamous. I've never had a Bento Swinger Club myself, you know what I mean? I'm not saying people should do this. All I'm saying is that people can do it, and if they do do it and it works, right? They can be happier because of it. So that's what's important. But I do think that the stories of it not working out, 'cause it is not for everybody are super important to. And typically a lot of times, my gone wrong stories are like when people stop doing it as like a couple and are doing it like in a separate way, right? Like to me, it should always be about something that adds to your relationship. Yeah, right? Then, yeah, and that's why I said, if it's starting to go where it's just you doing something and then someone else, then you're in an open relationship and it's not really a lifestyle relationship, it just really depends on what you're looking for to get out of it. Yeah, I always get afraid when people are like solo play. I'm like, that's always like a recipe for disaster. Some couples do it and they do it forever and it works out but a lot of times that leaves to me the window open. If there are any stories,
sort of things not in your relationship. - Yeah, it leaves room for someone to go and fall for somebody else, but I don't think that can happen unless there's something wrong to begin with. Don't you think? - Right. No, I agree, and I think that just even let's say my situation with my partner, we have, like I said, the most incredible relationship. And even if I did something or he and I did something in the lifestyle and were with other people, it's all because sex is fun. There's nothing to do with emotion. We can come back and be like, okay, so someone touched him. Some people get turned on by watching their partner get turned on by other people. Knowing that the partner is good at what they do and seeing someone else feel that pleasure, that could be a turn on for many people. And you can't yuck somebody's yum. If it's something that you are doing and you're in a healthy relationship and you have those conversations, it could be really rewarding. And like I said, I'm not against if that was something that we wanted to do together, but I'm open to that. It's just, we never really got to that place where we needed it at this point. And that's why just going there and enjoying the atmosphere, meeting people, talking to people, it's fun. - Yeah, totally. - Now, how do you help people in your practice? Like say, people are listening and they're either at any part of this phase that we were in these phases we were talking about. How do you work with them? Do you have stuff on your website that they could like courses or is it something that you do in practice? Like how does it work for you? - Well, if it's something specific, I do one-to-one coaching and I do individual coaching as well as couples. And it's everything's on my website at drstasyfreedman.com. But first of all, depending on what level they're at, if they're just starting, just asking questions, are they're in it and trying to fix it? I work with all of that. And it's just basically trying to, it's a reclaimed framework and it just helps people in different stages get to the point that they need to. And it's just coaching and figuring out where they are now, where do they want to be and how do we get them there. I also have a private online community of people all in midlife dealing with all different things. It's fairly new, so it's a little bit small right now, but it's all different types of people with different types of needs. Some people getting rid of shame, getting rid of trying to understand the mismatch drive. There's a lot of opportunity to learn. I'm all over social media at drstasyfreedman and I do a lot of helpful videos and things like that. And I have a lot of free resources on my page as well. - Yeah, remind, let's tell everybody again about the sex tips because I think that's really like, that's like this place you start, right? The sex quiz, right? - Yes, it's a sex quiz not tips. - No, it's six tips. - Okay. - Yeah, if there's a place on my website that just says free sex tips and when you click it, I have the blog with all these articles. I do have some articles on the lifestyle and swinging and how to have another person, how to add another person. And then there's also free downloads. There's about 16 plus downloads where you just put your information in and you can have access to all 16 of those free things. And I also offer a free private, it's confidential 30 minute call for anyone that just wants to kind of get some guidance, a little discovery call. And if coaching is something that can benefit, we could talk about that. But otherwise, I always leave everybody with something that they can take, some information, some helpful resources. And so that 30 minutes for free is very, very helpful and they can find that information right on my website as well. - And for a couple that is looking to maybe get a little coaching, you know, because they want to get into the lifestyle. What are they looking at? Is it like, you know, typically once a week for three months, like what do you recommend? Is a life-threatening commitment or short term? - No, coaching is a little different than therapy. It is more short term. I do have a single clarity session, which is 50 minutes for people that might just have some, you know, quick kind of questions. - That's good. - Yeah. But then if they needed something, let's say, a couple is like, okay, well, I need just to have a couple of months to figure out all this out. I have a three month and a six month. And they're only like, either if it's an individual, it's six sessions, if it's a couple it's eight. And then if they have a little more issues where maybe they did it backwards and are trying to fix things, they might need a six month program where there's about 18 sessions. So it just depends on what they need. And that's what that discovery call, that is 30 minutes for free. If I see that it could benefit, I will offer it. It's not a sales call. It's actual discovery to help you figure things out. And that's something that we can see if it's needed. But it's three months, six month, or I have a clarity call for an hour. - Yeah. And I love that you, you know, you're available to kind of help couples with that first step, which sounds like super easy, just like bring up what you're into. But it really isn't. - Yeah. And I have to say to people listening, that is like the first domino in like, you know, changing the whole game. Like that is like where I, when I have couples and episodes on where like the title is like these people were very vanilla and now they're swinging and having forces, you know what I mean? It always starts with somebody brought something up in conversation. It's never they accidentally walked into a for some. It has to start somewhere and it starts with those conversations. And I think that's the hardest thing. And I think it's like super great that they could have somebody like you there so that if the partner does say like, what the fuck? Or, you know, what does that mean? And you know, you feel like explain. Like, no, first of all, pegging doesn't mean you're gay or just because this person wants to see you fuck someone else. It doesn't mean that they don't love you, right? - Yeah. It's so important to have that. And, you know, for the people that I hear when they comment on my social media about, oh, it's been 20 years and I can't do this. I'm like, well, maybe you need to have a conversation and I can help guide that conversation. That's all it is is somebody helping guide to be able to make sense of what people are thinking or feeling and making sure that it's done the right way so you can have the sex life that you want. - Yes. And it could change everything. It likes you. - Oh, absolutely. - But I get that it is hard or sometimes to bring it up after 20 years and then it is to bring into like a new relationship. - A brand new. - Yeah, it's always going to be harder. And sometimes those 20 year relationships are the ones that would like benefit the most from maybe a little fucking spice. - Yes. - A new conversation about sex after kids and all that, you know, a lot of times you put couples lose their way, you know what I mean? So I think it's so great that nowadays, like everyone is so connected and there's so much like a bit help available out there because a little help goes a long way. I love that we did this whole episode and that you all are fun. - Yes, it was fun. - This kind of help because, you know, I know a lot of people listening could use your services. So give a shout out again to your website but I will literally put it in the description for anyone driving, which is give your shout out to all your stuff. And like I said, I'll put it in the description too. - Yes. Thank you so much, Kathy. I'm so glad you're doing this because people need to hear this information. So thank you for having me on. But people can find me at Dr. Stacey Friedman. There's no e in my name Stacey. Dr. is dr. Dr. Stacey Friedman. I am all over the internet and a nice way, not a naughty way. You're not going to see any nude photos. But there are, there are everything on every social media you can find me. And like I said, I do offer that free private 30 minute discovery call if anyone needs. - And that's on the website. Like they could find that easily. - Yep. As soon as they go to the website, yep. And every single social media, if you go to the bio, it's on there where they can just click for free call and schedule it. - All right. Awesome. This was great. I love this conversation to me. So informative with the information that people need. So thanks so much for calling back in again, Dr. Stacey. - Yes. Thanks for having me. And I'm happy to do it any time for something else. - Awesome. Awesome. You're the boss. We'll do a Q&A or something fun in the future. - All right. Sounds good. Appreciate it. - Thanks. All right. Take care. Bye. - Bye. - Okay. I just want to tell you before you go that my book, it's called Strickly Anonymous Confession, Secret Sex Lives of Total Strangers, is now available, not only in paperback and e-book, but you can pre-order the audio book. It's still not going to be out until August 25th, but you can pre-order it. The book is basically 17 different stories taken from my show. I kind of picked one story from each category that I talk about on my show. Like there's a hot wife story. There's a cuck queen story. There's a cuck story. There's a gang-beangirl story. Like I said, 17 stories. And they're all told in the third person and they're all true. I took the interview and re-wrote it in the third person. And I wouldn't really call it like a total erotic a book, think like Penthouse letters. It's more direct. It's not so over the top like erotic. I don't really like that kind of vibe, right? But these are true stories. 17 of them. They're really short. There's easy read. You could read one or two and then skip around. You could read the whole book. It's available in e-back format, paperback format, and finally the audio book is available. Coming out August 25th, but you could pre-order it now. And if you buy my book in any format or pre-order it, I will throw in a complimentary link to my discord. My discord does not just appoint. Okay, there's no way you get into my discord any other way than getting the link from me. Okay, I give it to people who buy my book. There's tons of people in there. Everybody shares content with each other. And that's what you get to do there. You could post your own pictures and videos. There's tons of channels. We have lots of contests where you could win a lot of money. It's a super fun place.
place to be. It's a total strictly anonymous community and you will love it. I will be giving anyone who buys my book access to my discord. It's private like I said. All you got to do is email me a screenshot of your purchase, whether you did the audiobook, the ebook or the paperbacks. Send it to me at
[email protected]. That's strictly anonymous
[email protected]. And I will send you the link to a discord. So anyway, thanks so much for tuning in.
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