#143 - Our Aunts Host The Podcast

Theresa? Theresa. Mother Theresa. Oh, it's Mother's Day. And who better than Mother Theresa? Oh goodness. It's Mother's Day, which is always a joyful day for me. I don't have a day for me. Kind of a hard day for me. But I think I would have been a great Mother. I just adopted cats in Key West. All right, here we go. Are we ready? All right. All right. So, someone comes in and talks to us? I guess so. I mean, nobody was in the room. And now people are filtering in. They look a little scared. Hello. So many cameras around me. Oh. So many cameras. All of these recording. Someone take a selfie. Do all of these record. Yes. And you upload this straight to Facebook. Oh, God. So, my favorite thing is watching everything on Facebook. So, if it's not on Facebook, it doesn't exist. You know what I'm saying? Except if it's on Netflix. Does this go on Netflix? No. I'm constantly surprised that Jesus does say Jesus does so much on Facebook. Yeah. But you don't see him anywhere else. Well, it's because it's really God doing it. So, God is actually, you know, the backbone of Facebook. Right. Right. Right. Anyways. So, I think normally I've only seen clips of this show. Oh, yeah. I've seen their skits. My nephew Shane does this show. And he usually says, "Hi." He's a sweet boy. He's sweet. He's my beautiful niece. She looks like the sunshine. Yeah. She's a goddess in woman's clothing. Like that. Her name is Amanda. Lehan Cantos. So, Lehan's actually her father's last name. Oh, really? He can't toes. I'll ask them. I'm Theresa Cantos. Hi. How are you? How are you doing? Oh, and I'm Sandy Topp. Yeah. So, Sandy and I actually, we met each other on the road, which is crazy. We found out we were both coming to visit for Mother's Day. Big studio. Yeah. I heard they moved to a new studio. I thought, you know, I didn't know that my nephew did much of this entertainment stuff. I knew he'd done it. Acting. I heard long time ago. You know. I thought she did. I thought she did plays. I thought she did, like, a children's theater type play. You know, they have you come to your birthday house and you do a birthday play. You know, when they come to your, when they come to your house. I heard that, like, I do cat on a hot tin roof for ten-year-olds. Oh, yeah. Well, I heard that they do a hot tin on a cat roof. Yeah. And then they do, I think she does. She's done Phantom of the Opera. Oh. And I think that's what she's doing out here. But then I see this place. And I'm like, wait a second. What's going on with this place? And then I notice that she's not doing a play. She's talking. I think they're doing more like Dateline here. Because this is like more. Don't get me shot. You see the most Dateline set up. Have you seen the most recent one with Keith Morrison? With the Keith Morrison. Oh, my God. Light of my life. I saw this one and I was like, who did it? It's clearly the husband. So it was a cruise ship. Always the husband. That's my biggest fear. It's getting pushed off a cruise ship and being in international waters. And then they can't find the killer. But it's always the husband. I know. That's not a fear I have because I can swim so strongly. You can? Oh. So you have no idea growing up. I've lived in Key West for decades. Yeah, you were saying that. You were saying that. I am basically half mahi mahi. Oh, wait. A mahi mahi fish. The one that can kawaii. They're also there. They're all over the place. A little mahi mahi. Oh, it's so delicious. Have you ever had mahi mahi talking? Oh, yes. Of course I've had. So here's the deal with me is, you know, what's really weird is that I catch fish all the time. You know, I'm catching, you know, bass scallops and stuff like that. You know, but I also love to eat it too. Mm-hmm. And I'm the same way. I love to catch snapper, grouper. Oh, you know what? If I was a fish, you know what I would be if I was a fish? What would be a jellyfish? A jellyfish. A jellyfish because, you know, I'm good to look at. But if you get close, I'm going to wrap my, my legs around you and sting you to shit. A woman of war. That's exactly what I say. Yeah. That's crazy. We're so similar. We have a lot in common. So what's great about, you know, Sandy and I, we met each other in Indiana. And, you know, we did this road trip together to see our niece and nephew. We found out we both connected on Facebook beforehand. Oh, yeah. Lots of messages. Because I think we were both maybe in some group. I think, where were we in a group? A fan page? Oh yeah. We were a fan page. Shane can get it. Shane can get it. I don't think, you know what? And I thought we were talking about awards. Yeah, of course. And more work. You can get it. You can get it. And also, I was looking for a fan page for a man deal. But they just said, big feet. Love that. And I was like, oh, big feet. I love that too. Because, you know, big feet, bigger shoes. Right. You know, you get more bang for your buck. Absolutely. Yeah, of course, of course. Yeah. And they're looking for that. I think that's what they're looking for in Hollywood now. It's big feet. Well, good, good for me. I put my puppies out. Watch out. I know. Everybody can see them. Well, you know, I like to wear socks on the beach, which is, you know, kind of weird. People think that's kind of weird. Because when I take off my socks, there's a lot of sand that comes out. That's okay. Add weight to it. Yeah. So, you know, it's crazy. You know, it's crazy. It's crazy. I actually have never done a marathon. Oh, you could, you could crush. Because I think you only have to take a few steps and you're already passed a mile. Oh, God. You're hilarious. That's the fun thing about Sandy is she's just like a nephew. Very funny. Very funny. I know. I should do comedy. I used to, sometimes at Margaritaville, they would just leave the microphone out and I'd just go up and I would just start talking and people would be laughing so hard. Oh, I bet. Yeah. And I thought, you know, I could do stand up. But. Oh, yeah. I heard that it's, I heard that stand-ups actually kind of a lonely, a lonely game. Well, yeah. Because you're up there by yourself. Yeah. And you're doing on your own. You don't have anybody else with you. As opposed to a band, you got, you got all the people in the band that are all there with you. I once saw this band. It was so good. It was a Pink Floyd cover band. Docs out of the moon is what they were playing. And I was, Docs out of the moon is one of my favorite songs. Because it's very mysterious. Yeah. And it was one dollar oysters. It was, it was one dollar oysters. And it was Docs out of the moon. And I was like, wait a second. Would you guys ever need a female singer? And they said, not right now, we're not looking. But I thought, you know, I would love to be a singer. So I don't know if it's, if I never pursued a singing career. Did you ever pursue a stand up career? I never pursued a stand up. I never really did it because they weren't looking for that at Margaritaville. They were looking for dancers. Oh, oh, oh, oh. And I was a dancer at Margaritaville. Oh, good. The Margaritaville, the Margarita senior readers. And the rule was we were only allowed to speak Spanish. Oh, come on with stars. I'm moving any two. See, I don't speak Spanish. So I was silent the whole time. Oh, you know what? I never spoke a word. Oh, my goodness. I never danced. So that's all that they needed. Well, of course, dancers don't need to talk. That's it. You know, it's funny. You shouldn't mention that because I actually do have a CD in the car. In the rental car that is all Spanish. I noticed that. You were playing that. And I thought, over a little bit of time, I thought I was like, I'm going to start picking this up. Okay. So Ola. Ola. Correct. Okay. And I'm out of it. So well done. And what if we did this whole podcast in Spanish? You know, they need to do that. Oh, my God. They need to do that. You should pitch that to Shane. Shane Boyle. I will. I will. I've been messaging him all over the place, but I think maybe it's maybe I thought his Facebook account, he doesn't, he doesn't respond. Oh, you know what's crazy is I, yeah. And I've been, I've been trying, I've been posting pictures of Amanda on my wall. Right. And then I'm commenting on those pictures below because if you tag a picture of them and you put it on your Facebook wall and then you comment below, they, they, it's a private, that's a private message. Completely private. I send a whole entire letters to, so when someone comments, I make sure to respond. I'm like, hot day. All good. Good to see you. Good to hear from you. I hope you and the family are doing well. Good. Yeah. And then I give them a whole explanation of what my life's been like. Oh, good. Yeah. It's correspondence. So, you know, you were talking a little bit in the car that your, your life is going pretty well. My life is going so good for you. Yeah. Key West has been just an absolute dream. I live. I live in an old house. And the salt water is starting to tear away at it and but that's kind of the gorgeous thing about it. Oh, good news. I get it. I, I make pukachelle necklaces that I sell and I saw that you make them too and I thought, you know, that's so funny. You're up in a beach miles away. We've never connected. Oh, yeah. So, I'm, I'm in, I'm in sandwich, Massachusetts. It's actually one of the oldest. Is that where they, is that where they made, is that where it was invented? Yeah. Sandwich? Sandwich. Yes. Wow. That's the first to start. Oh, that's so fast. And you know, what's crazy is a settler came in and said, what, what if we do turkey and pepper jack cheese and everyone's out of freaking out? Oh. Can you believe it? I, I can't believe that. It was crazy. So that, what, what a mysterious whimsical path. It's been around since the 1600s. There's an old house. They're called the Hawke'sy house. It's, it's been around since, it's 60, 54. And there's this great place that I go to and you can make pukachelle necklaces. The only thing is, okay, I didn't catch this one. So, so my son Ricky did. Huh. So he goes, he goes bait. He calls the puka. Yeah. He calls the puka. Ferrocious. Ferrocious creatures. Oh. Oh, you, you don't not understand the monster that's living in pukachels. They, people don't, people only see the shell. They do not see the monster. People do not see the, so Ricky, Ricky man handled this puka and you know, he got the puka out. And of course we ate it. Right up with a little blood sausage or a white wine or clam sauce and then you eat it. But you know he had he my son's it isn't I love my son, but he is a fucking dumbass all right He's he's a good kid, but he doesn't know left from right right a to b He doesn't understand it one to five. He's not actually dumb But he's just he's just a good heart, though. He's a good heart But I'm like Ricky, you know turn off the lights in the car the car still running you came in and went to bed Ricky shut the window. You're gonna get a cold. Ricky. Why are your shoes out in the rain? You dumbass So anyways, and he leaves outdoor shower door open all the time so you know records shower. Yeah Oh, that's so fast that we have though. We have to we actually do have those in Key West obviously you do not owner I don't have an outdoor shower. Oh sandy in my house. Oh no, no, no sandy. All right, so an outdoor shower It's it's actually very very very very nice. So you put it huh you okay? You build an outdoor shower listen listen to this. I'm actually gonna change your whole life So this is now this is what is this what podcasting is all about of course you talk about your most intimate details And then you give advice on how to build things a building outdoor shower. Yeah, so so you get wood from a whoever Oh, okay a driftwood. Yes Yes, I got snorkeling and they have they used to have these watch towers out Where Ernest Hemingway used to write his book and and you can find the driftwood underneath the ocean Yeah, Ernest Hemingway wrote his books in a P town on the dunes and where P town? Well, he also wrote some books in Key West because old man and C is off of Key West I don't know well close to Cuba, which was not in my way. Sometimes I'd swim over there Anyways, he wrote you know, but he told well, I know his ghost Okay, okay, okay. He goes is all over Key West. Wait a second. You cannot avoid him now. I know he died in Idaho But his ghost traveled all across the country all the way Ernest Hemingway is from whom the bell told fairway to arms the sun also rises I've only read a couple books what books the Bible. Okay, good. It's a big book and every book written by Nancy Grace Oh Nancy Grace is one of my favorite, but also you know what I love which which wicked good is I love a Patricia Cornwell Have you know Patricia Cornwell? She writes the Scott Peta series. Oh, I don't think I know it's about a corner. It's about a corner who's who's who's investigating bodies a corner? A corner a corner. Oh, a corner like like down on the corner where I get my thing. No, no, no, no, no, no, don't be resin me No, I'm talking about a corner. They do forensics files so so there's a body And a corner comes in. So the corner comes in and they you know dissect about you. They go okay strangulations dead Yeah, well of course. Yeah, they actually are the number one does the death pot. Oh, so Scott Peta the Scott Peta series Is about a corner who dissect the bodies and what's crazy Patricia Cornwell writes these books very good Uh Nicole Kidman is actually doing a show called Scott Peta's Scott Peta. I love her so much. She's excellent. Do they have very good? They don't ever kiss the bodies do they? Oh, I hope no Well, I don't know. I mean Patricia Cornwell doesn't touch on it. Okay, but you know what between you and me Can we turn off the mics for one time? Wait, can we talk not recording for a second between you and me? Yeah I think that they do kiss the bodies. Oh god. I think that's how they determine the time of death. They they are So they put their mouth to their lips. I mean and they count Yeah, of course, or they they stuck out the last bit of oxygen that was in there Well, you know they suck out the spirit. Yeah, they eat the spirits Oh, well, that's how they keep surviving. That's why when I die I say you know don't take don't let anybody know Just take me to the beach just just drift me off saying You know what I want to do I want to be buried deep in the sand and I want them to do a clam bake over me Oh, I want to be buried deep I want them to set up the wood and I want my whole family to feast on lapses and clams and trim and scallops and base scallops Seasoning a little potato a little blood sausage and I want to be underneath it So I want to be the fire that's burning through the food. Oh, that's just so romantic And then they eat and they pop open you know bottles. I love a Kim Crawford. Yeah, I love a Mum a mum sparkling is for very good times of boof if you're very if you're very fancy. Oh, I love a boof Yeah, so I want a clam bake in my on I don't so that is that and is that custom in New Jersey? No, what it's not where I'm sorry. We're sandwich sandwiches and it's in the you know Cape Cod So get over born bridge. There's math is vineyard you go Foulmouth and then sandwiches like the oldest town there and then you got Chad and I'm province town Howwich and so have have you done a clam bake burial for someone before you know what one of my exes Wanted to do it and we decided no You just that after he passed his body wasn't in good shape. Yeah, so we didn't want that it would affect the clan Yeah, so it the yeah, you have to kind of be pristine you have to think about the food first Right, it was important that the loss is the right temp and uh, you know, but you know what we sang a song in his in his honor So that's so lovely, but he you know, he we burned him into a crisp on the top of a mountain The mountains of Massachusetts. Yeah, so it's not actually a mountain. It's a cliff. Oh, okay Yeah, so so it's overlooking the oh, that's lovely. You have cliffs in a key west We do not we don't have cliffs. It's only two square miles of sand there now other There's so many keys now and I've I have had my fair share of stories and all the keys key lago Oh, like that song key lago Bon tea. Oh, are we gonna are they gonna kill us if we do that? Oh, I've heard they can do they can come and fucking try I called it I called chain once and I said you should sing songs. He picked up. He picked up. Oh my god I well what I was doing is I was I was changing my number around So that I would make oh did you do star six seven? I did star six there good for you. That's the only way to get them to pick up And so I tricked him um and and so he picked up and I said this sandy And he couldn't hang up then because then he would feel bad. He's a guilty. He's a guilty little he seems like a little pussy Yeah, he seems like a guilt guilt really little pussy. Yeah, he seems like a pus um and and so I And I started talking to him about I just give him tips like an aunt does of course and I said they need us Oh, they absolutely our advice is him what they do without us. No seriously. I mean who are they gonna call? I'm shocked. He's managing at all. I don't understand how that boy dresses himself. He seems like he cries every five minutes I know and he does kind of sad to me. I know he looks sometimes he looks like if the pills very doughboy tried to wear jeans Oh my god, and I'm just like what do you do? I don't even know how those jeans fit his body. I know So you know I was thinking what's what's wicked weird is that it's like his body a too big tall Like trees like trunks and then how does he put you know It's like he has no curves whatsoever right except in his arms kind of just a pillar. He's just a pillar Just like a like I one of those old Greek pillars. He's that yeah, he's like a Greek one But not in the main museum like in the back room right right not in a good way no no in a bad way No, like when I went to Greece, I was like whoa there's so many so many so many statues here But but there's a back room with it with a where they were the stuff that Michael Angelo kind of gave up on yeah He he finished it. Yeah, that's kind of like what Shane is to me. He's like I have finished uh, you know a thing I agree Anyways, he seems like something I could you know get to know I hope he's nice to my niece. He seems like he's nice to her sometimes. He seems okay I think he's he's definitely shy. I don't think he's I think he's still figuring out how to talk a little bit I love that they gave him This show clearly has a bit of an exercise for him to learn it seems like a test Cuz he just doesn't seem like he knows But I told him I was like you should sing more songs on the podcast and and I think people would like to listen because people mostly when they're See a songbird and people drive their wanting to listen to songs. He's not a songbird. Oh goodness gracious I don't even think I don't know what he listens to I don't know how he got this job because you know my sweet niece You know she's a songboard. She's a dancer. She's an erotic dancer. Sometimes what I actually heard she stopped doing that Of course for the part and I did that myself Margarita sandy shut your mouth margarita. Margarita. Margarita. Vilsan. You read us. No way. Were you wearing those big ass heels? You know those six and shields massive heels. Talk to me about that. So we had to it was incredibly hard now They were six inch heels on top of the fact that they were also platform shoes So they were massive. Okay, okay. They were basically we called them boardwalks. Oh god nothing better than a boardwalk a boardwalk shoe And so it was massive made me look like a giant And yeah now our whole bit was that we'd love to go up and down stairs the senior he does love to go up and down stairs That was our whole thing. Oh my god. So we're actually it was less dancing more like skittering up and down stairs So you would just go with up and down the stairs up and down stairs of the music or up to the beat of the music We would also have trays of food that we would bring to people's table. Oh my god. That's hard And so we were doing that and And we'll lit up. Yeah, and it was a lot and and people fell people died people died people died We lost we lost most of the senior senior readers they they passed During the job. Oh my god. Oh my god. Hard work. That you know what death comes to you so fast Really it really what you love to do it really happens. That's really sad. They had no railings Oh my god. You were just back back in the 80s when we were doing this they didn't have railings on the second floor on the stairway. - Oh my God. - You tripped and you fell, you fell. - We're done. - And it's-- - Concrete. - Concrete, concrete, and if you didn't die, they'd make sure that they would let you lay there and they would let it happen. - Well, because they, you know, that's a lawsuit on the hands. If you fall and you don't die-- - They can't, 'cause if they try to restustate you, then they, then you get the money. - That's on them. - Do you think anyone has fallen on purpose to kind of get, you know, the, the, oh, no, no. Okay, that makes you proud of that. - No, I was there, they, I tried to save some of them. - How did you try to save them? - Well, as I remember once, Maria, she fell off and I tried to grab her hand. - Oh goodness. - And I was holding her hand. But I remember, we were only allowed to speak in Spanish. - Oh good. - And so I couldn't say anything. - Oh, you were silent. - And she was saying Spanish to me and I didn't know if she was saying-- - If she was saying Spanish to talk-- - If she was saying to save her or let her go, I don't know the Spanish words for those things. So I just-- - I let her go. - I let her go, I said to assume that she was saying-- - Did she ever use the words "puff of war"? - Yes. - Yeah. - So, okay. - So, is that save me? - It's please. - So, I'm assuming she probably saved me. - Well, she was saying or let me go, please. - Oh, actually, you know what, you're right. - Or like, let me go, please. - You, yeah. Oh yeah, of course. - We don't know. We will never know. - Well, yeah, let me go, please. She probably wanted some independence. She probably like, if I'm gonna die, I'm gonna do it by myself. - Right. - That's what I would want. I would never want someone to save me at a death. - Let me save myself. - Give me a Viking, you know. - I'm an independent woman. - Save myself. - Absolutely. You know, when we went on this road trip, I was like, you know, I wasn't sure. I'm gonna be completely honest. I don't know, I don't know, squat about the keys. - Right. - I know that it's, you know, I know that was salt to sea over here. - Yeah. - But I thought, you know, what, we're going and with one purpose in mind. And I'm glad because I can't see at night when I drive. You know, these glasses, you know, there's nothing in here. Nothing. - Right. - So, I was struggling. So, I was glad that you could drive the rent to car at night. - Right. - You know. You could drive a license, but I just, I knew that I could just go for it. I knew that I trusted, I trusted, and I know how hard it can't be, you know. 'Cause I can drive a boat. I have my boating license, my whole life. - Oh, of course. It's easy to get a boat. - You can drive a boat, you can drive a car. - You drive a boat, you know, just don't hit rocks and don't hit another boat. - Exactly, that's all the rules here. - It's not hard. - And I feel like that's no different in the car. - Now agree, don't hit, don't hit the side. - Don't hit rocks. - Don't hit an uncommon truck. - Don't hit another boat. - You know what was crazy is, so we shot it in Indiana, and then we were going to California. And what was great, I love that we stopped in Louisiana. That was fun. - Oh, we stopped in Louisiana. - Oh, we had a time. - That was nice, we just-- - French quarter. - Oh, French quarter. - We drank so many grenades. - Oh my God, and then we got, you know, and then we got dancing, and we were in that cemetery for a long time. - We were in that long time, and I can remember-- - We slept there. - And don't you forget, here's the thing that people don't know, we see ghosts. - Oh yeah. - We see ghosts. - So podcasts, so podcasts people in Facebook and Facebook Marketplace, you know, we see ghosts. So, say it's the end of the day. - I see everybody here is doubting that. - Do you know what's crazy? - And that's okay. - I see a couple ghosts in here too. - Oh, I see ghosts in here too. - And you know what I see? I see them right over there, shoulder, and they're whispering something in the air, and they're telling them what to do with their lives. And you know what they're not doing? They're not listening. And you know what that ghost is called? Intuition. - That's right. And that is the most important thing. - And you know what I don't see? - What do you know? - It goes on your shoulder. - I don't see any, I don't feel any ghosts on my shoulders. No, see ghosts on your shoulders. I see ghosts over there. - Wait, you see ghosts on my shoulder? - I see a ghost on your shoulder. - Okay, wait a second. He's got a very thin mustache. - Yep. - Goes out very, very far. - Okay. - He's wearing, he's wearing big old pants. - Oh yeah. - We're in top, little jacket. - Oh, that's very weird that you say that. Does he have a macarena? - He's got a, you know what I'm saying? What's that called? - He's got a macarena. - He's got a mac, they're called macarena. - Yeah, he's got two little macarena. - So he's got two little macarena? - Yeah, I think he must have been in a band of some sort. - Yeah. - Probably far in the back of the band, not that important. - I know. - You can tell he's not resolved that he was not the star. - He's not a star. - And he wants to be the star, and that's why he's here in the studio, but you cannot go. You cannot be the star. You need to let go. Your dreams did not happen. You are a failure. You need to leave. - Wait, hold on. That's what you could read. I just felt like a wash in my ear. A little jingle, jingle. And thank you. - Yeah. - Did he go? - He left. - You are so powerful. You are so powerful. You know, I thought only people from the East Coast Massachusetts was powerful, but the keys is a powerful place. - That's a very powerful place. It's the most southern point of the United States. - Really? - Yep, at its day. - Or southern tip. - So southern tip. That's like, you know, that's like P town. That's the most southern tip. - The most northern tip. - It's not a southern tip, but it's a tip. - It is the tip. It's the most farthest East. - Yes, it's a big tip. - I think they say it's the most East. - Yep. - The Sandwich of the East. - So yeah. - And you know what I think about the ocean is that a lot of people don't understand. Is the ocean is bringing in memories and they're taking out ghosts. - It's the salt. - Of the sea. - It's soaks up, you know, it soaks up the memories and demons, and they're all there in Key West. Because the currents go down there. - My favorite thing to do is to talk about death. - I like it. - I like it. - We talk about death so much on our road trip. - On our road trip, I talked about all the people that have passed in my life. And you know, I call up Amanda and I say, you know, "Sweetie, you know, I want to talk to you about someone who's died." And she keeps going, "Terisa, you've got to stop with that." - She doesn't want to hear anything. - Why don't these young people want to hear about all the people dying? - I don't understand it. - It's important to respect the dead and it's important to talk about very sad things as often as you can. - Amanda's just a very, she seems like a very cold, very, very hard. - She actually is kind of a cold woman. So she's, she's very standoffish, aloof. She's not as friendly as everyone thinks she is. She's actually kind of rude. She was a rough child. Let me just tell you that. - Are you facetimed her at one point we were driving? And when you hung up and I said, are you really gonna take that? Are you really gonna take that from her? - And I'm very grateful for you, Sandy, because normally I'd kick that, I'd kick her in the shins, right? Like I do Ricky often, but you know, I thought it seems like a lost cause with her. - It does seem like a lost cause. - She seems like she's already too far gone. - I know. - And maybe it's Hollywood. - I think it's Hollywood's gotten to her. - I think Hollywood's gotten to her 'cause she's one of the elites now. - She had her hair done and I was like, what are you doing? To relax, it's me on the phone. - And she wears all those colors. - Oh my God, she's so bright. And this is the brightest thing that I own. - I know. - This is the black dog. - It's beautiful 'cause I'd say salmon's about as bright as you ever wanna go. - So what's crazy is actually this is coral. - Oh it's coral. - I know that 'cause I'm from Key West and there's lots of coral. - Yeah, so this is coral, but everyone thinks it's salmon. And I'm like salmon. - What? - That's a different place. - That's a farm raised. - Farm raised salmon. - Not good. - Have you seen wild salmon? - Swimming up the Yemen? - Yeah. - No. - Mm. (laughing) - So, I took a Greyhound from Key West. - Yeah. - All the way to Indiana. - Oh. - What a trip I had. - Oh, you said it was brutal. - Oh, it was so brutal, gotten so many fights. - Fish fights? - Oh, yeah. - Oh, I bet you lay it down. - Oh, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I lay the hammer down. They called me Thor by the time I got all that. - Oh goodness, oh my goodness. Oh my goodness. - Oh yeah. - The several windows were broken on that grayhound. - Oh my goodness. - I had a great time. - Oh, I, and I'm Iron Man. - You are Iron Man. - Yeah. - Yeah. - Or, have you ever done an Iron Man? Do you wanna do an Iron Man? - You know what's crazy? Is I've only ever done a Tough Mudder? And I've always wanted to do an Iron Man. - You've done a Tough Mudder? - I've done a tough, oh, oh, Sandy, you don't know. You don't know who I was 20 years ago. I did Tough Mudders like it was fucking Tuesday. - I didn't know they had those back then. - Well, they had stuff where you're running in mud. - Were you just running in mud maybe? - Yes. - That's so great. - You know what? Yes. - That's awful. - It was my papa's backyard and he got it all wet with a sprinkle and I ran. - And you just ran through it. Well, that's not a, if that's not tough, it wasn't a lot more than I don't know what is. - And, you know, I didn't win in a war, but I felt really tough. - We used to do mudrestling over at Margaritaville, and I was the champion over there. - In the heels? - In the heels. - My God, someone could lose an, you know what I'm doing. - And kicking was allowed. - You're a badass. - Thank you. - Did anyone die during that one? - Yes. - Oh. - We met up in Indiana. - Yeah. - And we met up at a bus stop. - Oh, this bus stop wreaked a poop. I was like, "Why don't we do it here?" - I got off of it and I said, "Let's run." - God, I miss the ocean. Like this is a nightmare. - And we ran down the street to an enterprise. - Oh yeah. - With our bags. - 'Cause you didn't have a car, but how did you get to Indiana? - Such a long story. So my good friend, he's a lobster fisherman. He owns a motorcycle. And I said, "I never am gonna get on a motorcycle, never once in my life, never once in my life." - And I'm crazy as shit, but I will never get on a motorcycle. - You seem crazy as shit. I like you. - I'm out of my goddamn mind, but I will knock it on a motorcycle. - Well, you know. - Well, Sanji, you know, same, you know, diddo because I'm out of my goddamn mind because you know what I said? Find, do it. Put me in the back, put, give me a helmet at least. So I wrote on this motorcycle praying to, you know, St. Anthony, just like save me, find me, you know. Anyways, so we take the motorcycle after 10 minutes. I say, "I'm done with this, I'm done. I can't do this anymore." You know, the Bible says you can't get on a motorcycle. This is an extra chapter. - Corinthians 13.5. - Yes, very good chapter. Took me a month to read that one. So I get off and this guy's just sitting there in a Ford pickup and I say, "Hi." And he goes, "You need a ride and I go, Yes, sir, I do. I gave him five bucks. We talked the whole way. All the way up to Indiana, it was five hours. - It sounds like an angel. - Six hours, you know what I think he was? I think he was my god in angel. - Probably. - 'Cause you know what? He said is your name, Teh, and I said Teresa, and he said I thought so. It seemed like there was a tea. - Yeah. - I don't know what he was, I think he was gonna say Tina, but I took it. - I think everything happens for a reason. - So why? - And you know what I felt? You know, the craziest thing that I felt, Santee, I felt this overwhelming feeling of deja vu. And I was like, I've been here before. This is my life path. This is what I need to do in life. - I like to think that in every, maybe in every life, at some point, you were on your way somewhere, and that guardian angel showed up in some sort of wagon or horse or boat or, or maybe a camel. - Not motorcycle. - Not well, no. - Oh a camel? - Your guardian angel would never show up in a motorcycle. - That's why I got off, because Santee, I felt pain, you know, in my life, it was shoulder. - Perhaps that was a demon. - So when you feel pain in your shoulders, it is demon. - It's a demon. - So I was like, - That's the demons on your shoulders - So the demon on, yes. - They got those little pitchforks there. - And they go stabbing in there, yeah. - They go to research, a research. - Yeah. - So the guardian angel called me in and his name was Floyd. - Floyd. - Like the barber shop. - Yeah. Oh, there's one in California, LA. - Mm-hmm. - You know what I was thinking? Crazy, crazy subject change. I kind of want to do a shave cut. - Oh. - And two lines, right here. I got here and I went, everybody's rocking that and I want that. - Mm-hmm. - But you gotta be careful. - Why? - Because, well, they're rocking that around here in California, but it's sometimes, I don't know what kind of. - Oh, do you think they're part of a cult? - Like a Viking. - Well, okay, here's the crazy part. Is, if there's a cult that has anything to do with the Vikings, I would like to join it. - You would like to join a cult. - That has anything to do with the Vikings. - Mm-hmm. - Well, I'll have to look for that. - So I bet on Facebook, we can find, if anyone-- - We should find cults on Facebook. - Yeah. - I bet we could find a Viking. - 'Cause everyone says they're trying to get out and I'm like, I'm trying to get in. I've never been part of, I mean, my nephew and other family members have said that I have been part of cults, but I don't think I've ever been part of cults. - You don't think the Magarita place was called? - No, that wasn't a cult. - That wasn't a cult, and I mean, there was one time where I was selling pans, while selling pans to, I had a bunch of pans, and I was giving my friends' pans, and if they sold, if they gave their friends' pans. (laughing) - And so I would make, you would all make money, but that wasn't a cult, that was if we all, we have all so many pans, and it was the panhandle of pans, is what they called it, and so I was thinking, no, this is a great opportunity for all of us to make so much money. - Are you kidding me? - Perfect opportunity. - If I can give people pans, they can make money off of it, then I'll do that. - And you know what's great is everybody needs a pan, and it's never gonna go out of town. - Everybody needs a pan. - You know what's crazy is I actually, my good friend, Charlotte, she sounded a jewelry potty, so she sounded the potty, and you go to the potty, and you pick out jewelry, and you go, I want that one, and she goes sell it to five of your friends, and then you'll get the money. - And that sounds amazing. - It's actually perfect. - And everyone kept saying, you know, you're in a pyramid scheme, and I said, I don't even know what that is. - I've never been to Egypt. - I would love to. - I would love to see that. - I would love to go to Egypt and understand what these pyramids came from about. - And as far as the Ana pyramids, they have like, powers of some sort. - Well, the dead is buried there, so speaking of the dead, if you do something naughty, you're buried underneath it, you're buried underneath, you're in a sarcophagus in the pyramid, and you're buried deep underneath. Have you seen the mommy? - I've seen the mommy. - It's everything that you need to know. - And that's all real. - It's all, the history is right there. So there actually was that guy. He was actually buried in that place. An oxen of moon was his lady. And so then, you know, there actually was a Brendan Frazier. - It was a real man. - Oh yeah, he played a real man, which I thought he did very good research job on him. He's a very funny guy, Brendan Frazier. - It's so funny. - He's a funny guy. - He's so funny. - He feels like, you know, a friend of Stadamy. - Oh, oh yes. I should tell Shane to watch that movie so he can learn how to be funny like that. - Yeah, so I'm glad that you brought that up because, you know, I'm watching the podcast through clips that I find on Facebook. And I'm like, oh, this is fun. They're talking about fun stuff, so I have some problems. And Amanda's making me laugh, laugh, laugh. And then Shane talks and it's kind of like, it's like a little bit of a bummer. - No, I want to go like, you know, in Gladiator when they go, that's what I want to do. - I know. - I just want him to, I want to shake him and go, you know, take a class. - Right. - Find, read about comedy. - It's clear that he's devoid of passion. - Yeah, so, you can tell through his whole body. - Yeah, oh, oh, the way you hold himself. - You wear a t-shirt. - I'm not, I'm not inflamed with creativity. - He's like, he's like, if you let a child play with Play-Doh for a little bit and they make something and they like, here's what I made, but it's kind of hard. - And they're like, look, it's a pond. And you're like, oh, just flatten the Play-Doh. - Yeah, that's him. - Where is a man? It's like, look at the frogs and, you know, there's a tree coming out and guess what? There's a fairy on top. - Right. - She's a bitch, but I like what she does. - Right, I agree. - Yeah. - So we made up in Indiana and-- - Yeah. - The car we got was so silly. - It was a Mustang. - It was a Mustang convertible. - Convertible, which, you know, it took us 20 minutes to open the top. - Oh, you did it. - I was like, I was like, you know, Sandy Top, open the top. - I know, and I'm here, I am trying to jam back the thing. - You almost broke it. - I know. - You had the strongest arms I ever seen in my life. - Well, yeah. - I mean-- - Boating. - And, you know, saving, well, not saving people. - Not saving people. From dancing and then stailing around. - Oh, yeah. - Key West, you know, if you're opening up masks all day, if you're, you know, if you're-- - Oh, of course. If you open up a mask, the wind can catch you-- - From working ropes all day. - My biceps, they are big. You took off your sweatshirt and you have a little tank top on and I was stunned. - I know, it's scary people. - It was frightening. - But the song so that people aren't frightened by me because it's really my demeanor is so polite. - Your demeanor is so polite. But I like the strength that you have underneath you because-- - Absolutely. - At someone who also works, you know, I sucks the base cups all day long, so I'm raking base scallops. - And your wrists are thick. - My wrists are very thick. - So I can't actually wear watches. - Oh. - None of them are flat off. - They, they unclasp in-- (laughing) I never know what time it is. - And that's your curse. - The only thing, I know what time it is based on the sun going down. - Right. - Because I'm out there with my dumbass son Ricky and we're scraping the, you know, the bay for scallops and I go, what time is it Ricky and he goes, "Duh," and I go, "Look at the sun." And then I go, "Oh, it's the sunset." And I, you know, I love him. He's my first and only. - But dumb is rock. - Dumb is rocks. - That's really hard. - You open the Mustang? - I open it in Indiana. - So we're in Indiana. - Yeah. So I finally get it open. Several bats fly out. - Oh, this thing was covered in bats. - Covered in bats. - I mean, my god. - And they've been telling us to get rabies shots since that happened, but-- - I don't think I need it. - I don't want pain in my rat. Other than the devil. - Rat. - So-- - But we get into this Mustang and we start driving. And you know, we decided how we do things. We weren't gonna look up and print out directions from Google. - Nope. - We were gonna fall the sun. - Because if we drive west, we're gonna get to California. All roads lead to Hollywood. - All roads lead to Hollywood. So, you know, so we get in the car and I put on, you know, my book on tape, which is one of my favorites, Patricia Kwanwell, and, you know, we do 10 minutes of it, but we're basically talking the whole time, so I have to go back. - Yeah. - I don't recall much from it. - No, 'cause we were talking. - It kind of felt like she was just in the backseat talking. - Yeah, so I put her on low 'cause it helps me concentrate to have someone talking constantly, but, you know, she was getting into it. - And you only know how to talk over people, so I think it actually helps you. - Well, well, yeah. Well, well, you know, I actually think I'm just, you know, yeah. So I connect. I process things, but I'm actually a very good listener. - I know, I know, you know, but a lot of people tell me that I don't know silence, and I don't understand why I would ever need to know silence. - Well, in the silences, when the ghosts come out. - That's when they're the-- - We are both scared of that. - That's when the loudest, remember in sixth sense, when he finally turned it up, and all he heard was that guy talking in Italian. Well, Latin, that's what I'm afraid of. And the aliens show up, and they hit him with a baseball bat. - So that's signs. - What did I say? - I said sixth sense. - So two different movies. - Oh, I thought those were connected. - No, so same, and that's Shia Moan. - I thought that was kind of like a Titanic situation, where you put in one VHS, and then you put in the second VHS, and you're watching one movie. So I thought those were one movie. - You know what's wickedly here is that they could be one movie. I think they could be one movie. - Because actually, yeah. - 'Cause it's the same. - Did you ever see the village where it's this kid and this bald kid who can move air with his hands? - Oh my God. - That hair bander guy was incredible. - Oh. - I was like, whoa, the air bander is in the village and Ron Howard's daughter is there too. And you know what, she looks just like Ron Howard. - And they spoiled that guy. the ending, that it was all the fire demon people. - It was a fire demon butt. - And then they spoiled it so they had to say, oh no, is the parents doing it all time? - Oh no, but it was definitely that kid. - It ruined it. - You know, the airbender kid. - Oh no, I can do that with water, with water. - Wait a second. - I can do it. I was one time, so I was in Key Vista. - Is that part of the keys? - It's part of the keys. - Key Vista. - One of the lower keys, it's a kind of a bum. - That means visit in Spanish. - Oh. - Yep. - When we find out what let go means in Spanish, can you win me? - I think I would really like. - Well, we'll go back to my book on tape when we leave the studio to go out to, you know, breakfast. - Right. - I'll find out let go. I think it's in like chapter five. - Okay. - Is that? - I would love some word. - These words are on that. - Yeah. - I really would like that, anyways. So we were in Key Vista and we were out by the main groves. We were up in a way, steep water and we were looking at the manateeds that were there. They were swimming around. And I started to move my hands and I noticed that the water was rippling underneath my hands. And my hands were a good foot above the water and I was doing this and they were rippling. I said, I said, Nancy, Nancy, look over here. Who's Nancy? - Nancy's my friend. - Oh, okay, good friend. - My platonic friend and she was, she looked over. - Okay, no. Trust me, I understand platonic friends. - And so she looks over and I said, look at this and she said, no, there's little tiny fish in the water and they think you're feeding them and I said, no, water's moving. - Did you have, you know, clam juice on your fingers or something? Did you have any lures to do? - Yeah, if you didn't have any leftover food on your fingers. - You know what, I hadn't read the do on my hands and so I wasn't actually a waterbender. - No, no, no, I realized, I realized, no, it was just it was just the little tiny fish and probably little tiny shrimp. And they were probably skittering around 'cause it was just, the briny stuff was falling off my hands so I realized I'm not actually a waterbender. So that's the fun thing to realize right now, but. - So I do, I do wanna apologize for saying what I said. - No, and no, I didn't actually mean to. - No, Teresa, everyone needs someone like you and they're left to bring them back down to earth, you know? And here I was, here I was out in space, having a good time. - Yeah. - Think it like, thinking that I'm special. But everybody needs, everybody needs someone like you, Teresa, to remind us that actually I'm just some stupid bitch. - Well, that actually, I'm not really worth it. - Sanji, listen, I like to really wrap my anchor around people and tug them back down to earth, but. - Come on, back down. - I, you know, for a second, here's the deal. I did believe you, and I wanted to say to you that anyone who's that close to water has magic, so. - Thank you for saying that. - I know that, you know, the hands were covered in, you know, food, but those fish, they didn't know who you were, so they were expanding. - And, in a way, I was, I guess in a way, kind of water bending in that, I was influencing the fish. And so that was, that was kind of making current. And currents are made by fish. - Oh, that's, no, it's true actually. - When they swim in schools, it causes the water to move. - And they cause the waves to break. - And that causes water and that causes. - So, anyways, I think at the end of it all, my opinion's not changed. - No, no, actually, you know what? I think that you're in, you know, a water benda, and I'm a pyromaniac. - Oh yeah, well, you were lighting a lot of fires. We never got to stay anywhere too long because you would like fires. We would leave a diner, and I'd be like, that place was nice, and you'd be like, not for long. - Not for long. - And we'd get in the car, and we'd see it just, right behind us. - Well, it was, you know, there's something about old wood. I just got to get my hands on a match book and light it up. - I know, something changes in you. - I don't know what it is, but I kept taking match boxes from you, I'd say, give me that, and I'll take it, but you just can have a whole bag coming out of nowhere. - Well, I go to restaurants and I collect match books, but there's just something about wood, and I see it from afar, and I can smell it, and I just go, that wood needs to be disintegrated. - I know. - It needs to be lit up. - You have a hatred for wood. - It's not a hatred, it's just like a disapproval. - Uh-huh. You won't-- - I want to see, I want to see it burned. - Do you feel that way about trees when you see like a forest? - No, so trees are living. - Trees are living, but dead wood. - Here's my deal, here's my deal. You know what, what is? - What is it? - Trees that have been slaughtered. - It's so rot. - Trees that are corpse. - Trees that are corpse and death. So I'm going there to avenge the tree. So I see a dumbass diner that serves, you know, mild pancakes. They weren't even that good. - They were mild, they were mild. - But a milk my ass. - They put way too much whipped cream on them, and it's like at that point, it's like you are. You are giving up. - Oh, giving up. - You are trying to hide. - Oh, giving up. - What, what you have done. - You know, the coffee, the coffee was fine, but I was like, lady, go back in there and you know, fix whatever this is. - I know. - So anyways, I sit in there and I mean, you know, mid pancakes, and I look and I go, oh, look. It's all the slaughtered trees of America. I must avenge it. So you were telling a story about one of your exes and I honestly couldn't hear it because all I could hear was the wood. - Yeah, is that real wood? - Let me fix my hair one second. Yeah, let's get up and check this out. - I think, I think this isn't real wood. - Smoshmown. Oh, that's the name of the podcast. - And this isn't real brick. This is plastic. - This isn't real. - No, this is not, this is real. - These lights are real. Wow, showing feet. Hey, who's this? - Oh, is that, is that, is that the gorilla that fell in love with Robin Williams? (laughing) - Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, wait a second. - There's that gorilla that, have you seen that video? - They were, it's a gorilla that loved Robin Williams. - Wait a second. Was that in the movie Patch Adams? - No. - It might have been, it might have been, oh. - So, I love gorillas, and you love gorillas and you love Latin things on fire. - Yeah. - So I did come out to, you know, my family's saying, I'm a pyromaniac, and they said we know. - And you're so brave for that. - And I'm so brave for that, thank you. And, you know, I've never been to therapy. - Good. - I don't, I don't think it's, I don't, I don't need it. And I hope, I hope Shane puts that message forward on this show, 'cause, you know what? - And I think that's the message that we want to put out there. That it's bad for you. - It's bad, you know, there's nothing that, there's nothing that you need to work out. The only thing that you need to work out is, you know, how do you get the wood from the diner and how to light it on fire? - Right, right. - And the only, you know what, my therapy is? You know, watching old movies, that's, that's my therapy. - That's therapy. - And a little bit of masturbating. Just a tiny bit, just like a small amount. 'Cause I think it really, you know. - Well, at our age, we've gotten so good at it. (laughing) - I'm very efficient. - Oh, at our age, are you kidding me? - Every time-- - One minute flat, I'm done. - When we were driving, we had an understanding that whenever we came to a porta-potty or anything, it was like, boom. - And we'd go into separate ones, doors closed, doors open. - Boom! - We were different. - You know, all those times that I said, I needed to poop, I didn't. I needed to rub one out. - Limit our age, we don't poop. - Of course not. - No, we're only going into the porta-potty to-- - Anytime a woman, our age, says they're going to use the bathroom, we know what they're doing. - Yeah. - And are you thinking about something in particular when you do it? Because I can think about food and do it. - I can think about it. Yeah, I can think about it. - I could think about a fresh grilled cheese with fresh tomato and melted cheese and go, oh, I'm coming. - Be careful, be careful. Be careful, I'm gonna need to find the bathroom here. - I don't think there is one. - There isn't a bathroom. - No, so I learned that. - What is that? - They have a kind of, well, I thought they had one bathroom and I kind of looked at it, but they kind of had it Roman style, where it's just a bunch of toilets all around the world. - All around, look at each other. - And no privacy, and they all stare at each other when they're doing it. - No, these kids are crazy. They all kiss each other, they all pee in front of each other. I'm just like-- - I don't understand it. - Find a private place and do the damn thing. - Yeah. - So do you use two fingers or one finger? - That's four. - Four. - Wow. (laughing) - Yeah, you cover more. (laughing) (laughing) - You are seriously the greatest one I've ever had. - I'm good now, it's almost like I'm wiping. And it's just like I'm like-- - You tried? (laughing) - You wiping, you done? - Basically, yeah. - Do you know what I do? - What do you do? - I do a quick circle, I go in for one second, I come out, done. (laughing) Anyways, I love a podcast. [BLANK_AUDIO] - I love a podcast, you know why? 'Cause I feel free. - We should have our own podcast. - Shut, and this type of stuff we're talking about, this is what people really want to hear. - People really want to hear what they want to do. - I think we're just two, two. - Everyone's two women. - Two women, just talking about whatever we want to talk about. No, not afraid of anything, and you know, we don't need a man here. I think we could call it like, call the podcast, call her daddy or something like that. - Call her daddy. - That would be a great podcast name. - So when we're calling daddy, who's calling a daddy? - We call each other daddy maybe. - Oh my God. - Think about that. - I actually really like that. - Do you think call a daddy is taken? - No. - No. - No, it's too original. - Oh, I love that. - No, I'm not. I've never listened to a podcast before, except for the clips of this one. - Well, listen to books on tape. - That's the same thing, right? - And I think, well, I don't know how to put them out. We could record them. What I think we do is we record a bunch, put them on a tape, and then we sell them at a bookstore. - Oh, or, you know what? So when we get to California, I heard that Venice Beach. You can actually sell your stuff there, and you can make a lot of money. - Trees, that's something to tell you. We're in California, I believe. - Oh. - I think this is, well, we're in Austin. - I thought we were in the studio. - We're in Oxnard. - Oh my God. - I think we did make it. - I got all turned around because we went to Indiana, we went to Louisiana. - We went to Louisiana. We went up to North Dakota. - We went up to North Dakota next, which I liked. I liked that journey. It felt very, very fun. - I thought not Rushmore was not as good as I thought. - No. - It was gonna be. - You know, I couldn't even see what their faces were. - No. - They would not chisel in. And I wanted to climb it. We would not allow to. - They wouldn't let us. - And then we went back to New York, which I thought was fun and different. - It was really different. - But then we went all the way to Texas. - Oh. - And then it was, what a ride. - Beef, there's beef everywhere. - There is a lot of beef. - And I was like, well, we're gonna have to fill up. So I'm glad that we took Bobby Hugh home with us. - I know. - In the car. - I had someone walking on me in the outhouse there. - Did they see? - I was only there for 30 seconds. - And they saw? - They saw. - Had to swipe. - That's swap. - Mid-swap. - You hate to have someone catch a mid-swap. - You know what, you hate. - And I can't stop at that point. The inertia's going, the momentum started. - You're all coil that. - You see my arms, they're massive. The amount of strength, the amount of torque I'm putting into that swipe. There's no stopping it. - Oh, I caught it. - Shocked. - Shocked. - It was made. - Oh goodness gracious. - That poor cowboy. - Oh, he probably shed his pants. - He did shed his pants. Well, he needed to go. - Oh, right, yeah. - But he didn't make it. I was sitting on the toilet. Well, standing above the toilet seat. - Squat above it. - Oh, good for you. You know what, I do it. I just do it right next to the door and I don't lock it. - Oh. - I kind of want to get caught. - Oh. - But I don't actually fully pull my pants down. I go from the back. So anyway, so we were in Texas. - And we were in Texas. - The barbecue was, it was pretty good. - It was pretty good. - It was fire in the hole. - I think it's okay. - Yeah. - I think Texas barbecue overrated. - It's definitely overrated. - I'll say it. - All the sauces, why? - All you need is ketchup and ranch. - Yeah. - So that we went to Texas. - Yeah, and it got their names for their hot sauces that make no sense, atomic boom. - Oh my God. - I'm just like, okay, it's hot. And I just drink that shit down, doesn't affect me. - It was yummy. - Nothing's like kiwi hot sauce. - You were chugging hot sauce. - I was chugging hot sauce. So you like to make fire and I like to drink it. - Drink it. - And that's why maybe I'm a bit of a firebender in a way. - So, okay, so you're a firebender? - Well, you know it's crazy. If you were a waterbender and a firebender, how would they both work? Cause one's gonna put out the other. - Maybe I'm the avatar. - Oh my God. That movie was so good. - That was the best movie ever made. - I've never seen a better movie in my life. James Cameron is a sea creature, right? Is it James Cameron? - Yeah, that's, no, you're talking about the movie where he goes down, where he goes down to the bottom of the ocean. - And there's the sea creatures there. - So that's Avatar. - That's Avatar. - Isn't it, where Kate Winslet's in it? I'm talking about Avatar. - No, Kate Winslet's Tatanae. - No, she was in Avatar too. - Oh, was she really? - She played a travel woman. And I was like, huh, okay. - Is that okay? - You know what, it's not for me to judge. - You know, it's not for me to say either. - But I feel like, I feel like, no. Anyway, so James Cameron's actually one of the best directors I've ever seen. - Have you met him? - You know, here. - Yeah, thank you. - I had a dream about him. You know what I did the next day? - Oh. - Was it the bathroom? - Hard core 10 seconds. - That was quick. - Yeah. - It was like all the way crashing. - No, exactly. Sometimes when you see the rock movie, you're just like, oh my gosh, it's-- - Hulk fiction. - As good as it gets. - You know what, Jack Nicholson? Jack Nicholson? - I was like, I like him. You know how he's not cute, but then he's very cute. - Right, right, right. - You know my favorite movie? - What? - And my favorite actor? Ever? Cocktail with Tom Cruise. - Oh. - He's making cocktails on a beach and I said, I'll quit everything, I'll leave my son. I will move to the beach. - I'll let shit on fire for that. - Oh, oh, that's what I want to do. I want to light shit on fire at the beach and make out with Tom Cruise. - Absolutely. - You know what? I want many more missions and possible. - Oh, I want the missions to get more and more impossible. - But he doesn't stand on fire. - Oh my God, you know what he should do? - What should he do? - You know what he should do? He should try swimming. I've never seen him swim. - You're so rough. - Every mission is possible. He's jumping out of a plane. He's jumping off a cliff. He's talking, it's scary women or men who have accents. But I've never seen him swim. Try swimming. They should do another mission impossible. And he's in the sea. - Oh my goodness. - Oh, and I could be an extra in that movie 'cause I can swim so good. - You know what? They wouldn't even be able to catch you on camera because you've gone so fast. - I've been so fast. That happens. I out swim a barracuda once. - How did you do that? - Well, see, I had my earrings on. They're very sparkly and so barracuda are attracted to that when they start coming towards me and ask that I need to swim so fast. - Oh my goodness. - And so I swim, I can do butterfly underwater. - Oh my goodness. - And nobody's ever seen that before, but I can do it. And I think that's might be why I'm probably a little bit of a water bin. But I do. - I think you're definitely a water bin. - And so I'm doing this. - You're doing butterfly underwater. - Underwater and I'm moving so fast. And-- - Do you look barracuda can take off your whole foot? - Oh, I know, and it almost got me. - So it was chasing your shiny, your shiny earrings. - My shiny earrings, then I was moving fast which made them shine even more. And then that's why I'm not wearing them today. 'Cause I didn't, you know, I've never driven through so many of these states and I was like, I don't know if they have barracuda. - You know, it's crazy. - 'Cause we were bathing in the rivers and so I was like in case there's barracuda's there. - Big star was very nice for me. I jumped to that river naked and you know, the kids started running and I was like, relax. - I know. - It's fine. - It's scary. - Have you ever seen a woman before? - Double ease before, relax. Anyways, you know what's crazy for me? - You caught three splashes when you jumped to the river. - I jumped in, there was a one big splash, a second splash. And then there was a third splash from all the way, all the way like half a mile away. - That was me. Double ease, man. You take 'em out of the bra, you don't know what's gonna happen. - You gotta throw 'em in there like you're casting a lot. - Oh, of course. And you know what comes up? Catfish. - Yeah, don't grab one. - Oh my god, I definitely have a nipple bitten. And it was all-- - Ooh, gosh. But then you have dinner. - Well, yeah, they hang on and I go, got you a motherfucker. - That's right. And that's my favorite. - And that's my bare hands. - Yeah. - What? - I stopped wearing wetsuits when I swam. - You know why? - Because in sandwich and chat 'em in Cape Cod, there's great whites. - Yeah. - And they'll think you're a-- - A steal. - A little seal. - I've heard about that. - Good friend of mine got eaten by a shark. - That's too bad. - Yeah, he's okay though. - That's too bad. We have hammerheads in Key West. - Scary, scary. - Very scary, but if you catch onto 'em, you get to ride 'em like a motorcycle. Only to have a motorcycle all ride. Grab both eyes, if you put your hands up-- - You blunt it. - You blind it, then it can't see, and then you get to steer it, where you wanna go. - Stop it right now. - And that's how I got, when I started this trip, that's how I got from Key West to Key Largo. - Okay, so I was gonna ask you how you got through all the keys, which I still don't-- - Got through all the keys, 'cause there's no gray hair 'cause they can't go there, 'cause the bridges will collapse underneath them. - So you took a hammerhead shark. - I took a hammerhead shark all the way to Key Largo and from Key Largo I was able to walk up to, to, to, to, to Apollo Beach. And then, from there, I was able to get a gray hair. - Apollo Beach, is that where, you know, Apollo did the lift off? - Yeah. - That's probably why they didn't make it. - So they have NASA down there. - Oh. - They made it. Well, some of them did 11 of them made it. Apollo 11 made it. I think Apollo. - I don't know, I got all my research from Armageddon. That's a very good movie. And I thought, okay, I, well, I know NASA. I get it now. - I love that movie so much. - Bruce Willis was a very-- - Thank God they did that, because-- - So many lives could have been-- - And that's so incredible. - Yeah, so, you know what, I, I'm very proud of you for doing a hammerhead because, you know, riding a hammerhead, you know, being on a hammerhead, you know. I'm ready to have her head, yeah. - Yep, you know, I don't. - I'm proud of you. You did so much your journey all the way to Indiana. I could tell that it took a toll on you and your emotional toll. - Floyd, Floyd just, you know, he tucked my ear off and you know, I didn't get a wink of sleep and you know what's crazy is when he dropped me off, he told me to tuck and roll. - Oh. - So I opened the door and I actually tucked and rolled out to the bus stop to meet you. So when I came up, I was actually crawling on the, you know, highway to get to you. - We had to take you to a hospital to get stitches. - Oh yeah, my whole shin. - All the top layer of my skin is off. - Yeah. - But the drugs are very nice that they gave me. - Yeah, you're still taking them. - Yeah, of course. They said I should as long as I feel uncomfortable and I had to pee earlier. So I felt a little uncomfortable. - Yeah. - Theresa and Sandy, Shane and Amanda have questions they want to ask. - Oh. - There we go. - Oh, okay. - They didn't show up, but they have questions for us. - Yes, so nice. - So they said they were going to show up and take us to breakfast, but I guess they'll meet us at the breakfast place. - Yeah, okay. - Okay, great. - All right. - What's the questions? - After this episode, would you consider each other your best friends? - Listen, I know that you have this frenzy that you keep talking about. - Yeah, she is lovely. - That's fine. I just want to say to you, I'm an independent woman. I've got my son, Ricky, who I do love a lot. I don't need you to be my best friend, but I very much enjoy your company. - I think I feel the same way. I think I feel I see in you not necessarily just like a best friend, but more of, you know, a dynamic duo, oh. - Perhaps we, like I think you are a liability in ways that I wouldn't want in a friend, but I think you are someone that I would want in war, and for if we are taking on challenges, businesses, men, I would maybe want you on my side. - Oh trust me. - But I wouldn't trust you. - Well, okay, okay, okay, fair. - I would trust you on a personal sense, but in a business sense, I would rely on you. I know you could get shit done. - Well, that makes me very happy that you would feel that way, because I think in a business sense, I would appreciate you because it feels like you've traveled a lot. And you definitely have lived. But I think, you know, I did, I shouldn't have shown you the fire pot of me. - You really shouldn't, but you did. And so I know that now, but that's okay, that's who you are, you're a criminal. And that's okay, and you know, I am too. - Well, yeah, it seems like you, you know, you didn't help a lot of ladies when they were on their way out. - No, no. - And you know what, here's the deal. It's late in my life, okay? But not too late. And I accept you. And your words, criminal to me, is your opinion. - That's, and you know what, that's true. - And it's your opinion, and I can't control your opinion. The only thing I control is my reaction. And right now, I'm okay. - And that says a lot, you know. - Are you gonna lot the studio on fire when we leave? - Well, not this room. - Oh, okay, it's a nice, it's actually, I like that they have the Robin Williams Gorilla. - I know. - It's a gorilla from Mighty Joe Young. - You're right, that's the same one. - The egg. - So, not this room. - Okay. - But I did see a lot of nice rooms with all the cast pictures. - Right. - And those frames I would, they were screaming. - Yeah. - They were screaming how. - Okay, good to know. - And I said, I'll get you out of there. - Okay. - Do you guys have any other advice for Shane and Amanda as they do this podcast? - Oh goodness, I've got so much advice. I should write a book. - I should write a book too. We should write a book together. You write a page. - Salt and sea. - Salt and sea. You write a page, I write a page. - You like you can soup noodles for. - Chicken soup noodles. (laughing) - Chicken soup, chicken soup. Oh, I love chicken soup noodles for the soul. - Right, so, so, so, if I were to write advice on the first page, I would say, trust your instincts. - Right. - Trust no one. - Right. - But care for them. Listen to them. Eat as much seafood as possible. Talk to strangers. Don't pick up the check. But add to the tip. Where you see belt. Call you son of dumbass because later health, thank you because it'll add humor. And find a point of potty whenever you can. - I love that. The only self-reflecting you need to do is looking at the water on the side of your boat when you're trying to see what's on the end of the line. Pick up every hitchhike. Pick up every hitchhiker you see because a couple will be a dud, but one of them will be your guardian angel. - Yep, named Floyd. - That's right. Always do a double. (laughing) And part your hair down the middle. - Oh, always. And if you have a straightener, it's the best way to get these up. - That's right. And that's some real advice. - Honestly, a curling iron is not your friend. A straightener, make sure it sizzles and then flick it up. - And I think Amanda needs to hear that. - I'm gonna tell her and I cannot wait to see what she comes out. - I hope she listens to you. - I hope she listens because the last thing I want to say to seize the day, but seize is spelled S-E-A-S. You get it? - I think I get it. - Wow. I love your-- - I have chills, I have chills all over. - I have chills. - I'm gonna have to go to the bathroom after this. - Which one? - I'm true. - There's so many bathrooms, but you know what's outside? - Poor bodies. - Poor bodies. - Any other questions from the audience? - Do you have a little bit more respect for Shane and Amanda? Now that you've done this, was as easy, was as hard. This was literally the easiest thing I've ever done in my life. I think what they do is actually kind of wick it easy. - It's kind of embarrassing. - It work hard. Like what? - I don't wanna up. - I can't pick up my calls. He can answer his phone while he's doing this. - Yeah, seriously, this is easy. I actually think we did a better job. - I think we did a better job. - Now, you know. - Send us messages on Facebook if we did a better job. - Yeah, you can find me at Teresa sees the day, a clam bake soon. - And you can find me at sandy tops. Pukeshell, stand. - This is a good one. So those aren't Pukeshells. It's so interesting that you talk about you. - You gave these to me before because we were coming on and I said, "Do I look like shit?" And you said, "Yes." - And I said, "Well." - And I said, "Give me some necklace." - And I said, "I got you some necklace." - And you frisbeeed it across the room and it landed over my head. - And I banged that shit right around your neck. - Thank you so much for that. - You're so welcome. And also, I do appreciate that you wear in diamonds on your glasses. - They're real. - No, I know. - A last question. - Oh my God. - I don't like this one. - I'll run out of breath. - Did anyone wish you a happy Mother's Day? It was yesterday. - No. - My son, okay, okay, listen to this. My son wished me happy Mother's Day. - Oh, yeah. - That's so sweet. - In a text message. Yeah. And then he sent, you know, he sent like a heartbreak. (laughing) (laughing) - Are you fucking yawning? - No, I'm talking about my fucking son Ricky. - I was a little bit saliva in my mouth and I gulped it. (laughing) - I was doing yawning with your mouth. (laughing) - What's in your mouth? - Wow, all these days together. And you yawning when I talk about my son's sweet text. Anyways. - That sounds so sweet. - He said, "Happy Mother's Day. Wish it was different with a high and then a break." And then he said, "Love you Ricky. Stop playing games, you stupid idiot." - Yeah. - Anyways, that's how I was doing glitch. - Yeah, that's tough to have such a dumb son. - Seems like we need to put O'Gram on a bed right now. - Okay, okay, okay, okay Sandy. - All right, Theresa, let's settle down. - Okay, let's put Sandy to bed or maybe a hammerhead could grind her to bed. - Okay, all right, all right. - Yeah, let's get it, you know. - You know, you know, dancing again. - Okay, all right, let's settle down. - All right. - Theresa need to, ooh, try not to let this place on fire. Okay, all right. - Morphing is kicking in. - Yeah, liquid morphing. It's pretty impressive. - Don't talk to me while I'm trying to swallow. - Oh. - No. - Trying to stifle a yawn there? - No, I'm fully awake and alert. - Yeah. - I only sleep when you're driving. - Oh, well, good, glad you got to have that opportunity. - Don't fight with me there. - You would drop for an hour and then I would drop for eight. - I told you I couldn't see the road. - Oh, okay. It was middle of the day. - The glare and the sun when you're driving is really, it hits. - Okay, yeah, sorry, I'm yawned 'cause I'm tired from driving for weeks. - 'Cause it took us weeks to get from Indiana to California. - Yeah, okay. Well, you wanted to go get binyez and I said, we got to go see Mount Rushmore. So we basically did a zigzag. - That's true, that's true. - I mean, at one point we were in Canada and I said, how do we get here? - We said we want to try Aswan, huh? - We said we want to try Aswan. - Oh, and it was so good. - Go on, I could swim in an ice wine. - I know. - I want to go to bed in the freezing cold. - I know, but then once we did that, we wanted barbecue from Texas, so we went down to Texas. And then I said, oh, let's go up to Montana. - Oh, yeah. - I want to see those. - Bison. - Bison. - Well. - All right. - I want to get some food. - Okay. - And I heard that they've got some good food in California. - Yeah, avocados. - Oh, that's what I want. I just want toast and avocado on it. - I think that's all they have here. - Oh, okay. - No meat. - That's fine. Well, I still have some leftover barbecue in the cooler. - Oh, I think it's still. - Well, saying to you. - All right. Teresa. - It's been an absolute fucking journey with you. - It's been just such a wild spin around this sun. - I've been flip-flopping spinning. - Mm-hmm. - Well. - Well. - All right. - Captain to Captain. Fisherman to fisherman. We could keep going. - Yeah. - They're saying that we should get off, but honestly, we could just keep going. - Time to sink this ship, I guess. - Where are your shoes? - Lost 'em back in Nevada. - Oh, I love that we went to Nevada. That was one of our last stops. - We meant to go to Vegas, we ended up in Reno, which was basically Vegas. - It's the same. - It was the same. I mean, they had, yeah, it was basically the same. - Yeah, yeah. - It's a, yeah, that guy was crazy. - That guy, boy. - He was like spinning around. - Spinning around, and he had two balls in his hands. - I know. - There were basketball balls, and he was just two. - Juggling them with one hand. - And then he had, and then he, you know, he had a machini on a table. - And I was aware to get that, and he threw a basketball at me.