Anna Conkel’s memoir *The Same One* offers a deeply personal and emotionally resonant exploration of her complex relationship with her father, who served as both a nurturing childhood figure and a source of long-standing estrangement. The narrative unfolds non-linearly, allowing readers to trace the evolution of their bond from a close, idealized childhood connection to a painful, distant separation, and ultimately to reconciliation. Anna emphasizes how her memories of her father—shaped by his sharp sense of humor, emotional volatility, and difficult confrontations—have profoundly influenced her identity and self-perception. The book highlights the therapeutic power of honest communication, especially through letters written during therapy, which led to a meaningful, though imperfect, reconnection. Anna also reflects on how societal expectations around family relationships often lead to guilt, avoidance, or "no contact," but she argues that true healing comes not from erasing the past, but from confronting it with honesty and self-awareness. Her work challenges the idea that parents are fixed or unchangeable, showing how personal growth and evolving perspectives allow for deeper understanding. The memoir is both raw and humorous, capturing the dark comedy of family dysfunction while offering a poignant message about the necessity of self-acceptance and emotional authenticity in repairing relationships. It resonates with readers who have struggled with parental figures, illustrating that healing is not about perfection, but about courageously showing up as one’s true self.
- Hi, welcome to Smosh Mouth, I'm Shane. - And I'm Amanda and we have a really, really exciting guest for this today. It's Anna Conkel, she is the co-creator of Penn 15, currently on the new season of Hacks and we're talking about her memoir, The Same One, which we all read and I'm so excited to talk about it. Hi, Anna. - Hi, thanks for having me. - Of course. - My mic in the right. - Your mic is. - We're still adjusting to these as well. - Okay. - So maybe mine's in the wrong place. - No, it looks great. - Yeah, thank you. - Her mic's, yeah, he says they're great. - Scott's like, it's chill, dude. Does a kick flip. (laughing) - Yeah, Scott's very cool. - Hey Scott. - Hey Scott. - Hey Scott. (laughing) - Hey. - Talk later. - Yeah. - Wow, you did Amanda's bit. Every time we do Sound Check, Amanda goes into this long rant where it's like her calling Scott after it's so long. - Yeah, we understand each other. We understand each other. - I think we do, we really do. And maybe Scott too. - Yeah, maybe Scott. - Anyways. (laughing) How are you? I was gonna say, I'm not just randomly touching my book, I'm gonna say like, let's connect later. (laughing) - How am I? I'm good, I'm good, I'm happy to be here. We're so happy to have you. - When we found out you were gonna be coming on the show, I was literally so stoked. I didn't mention this before, but Penn 15 truly is like one of my favorite shows. - Really? - Yeah. - Recent time, like I was obsessed with that show. I still am. - It's so good. - And I related to so much of it. - Really? - I know it's about like preteen girls, but I was like so much of the experiences. I was like, wow, this hits really hard for me. - Thank you, that's so nice. I feel like it's now, I'm realizing on TikTok, which I'm not on, but I'm thinking about it. - Okay, I think about it too. - I'm not on it too. - Yeah, we think about it. - We think about it. But a lot of like teenagers or middle schoolers or whatever are coming up to me being like, I love you on TikTok. (gasps) - Whoa. - Because wait, you're kind of like Penn 15 or on TikTok, they don't know it's a show. They don't know it's a TV show. They just see it on TikTok. - Okay. - And they're like, you, you might have to cut this with a like, you're the one that called your mama Kant. - No, we can keep it. - And I'm like, oh we're 12. - Oh my god. - You know what I'm like, oh, but don't say that. Like, I'm gonna get arrested. - Oh yeah. - Are you kidding me? - 12 year olds say crazy things. - I didn't real life call my mom that in high school. Did she? - She was very angry at that point. - That's insane. - I know wasn't good. I'm not proud of it. - I'm proud of it publicly. - I'm honestly surprised because I was so, I once said F you to my mom and it was like thunder. - Yeah. - The ground's lifted. - Yeah. No, we were in a huge fight and I said that from my bedroom. Before, she was in the other room and I was like, you're a Kant and I remember feeling like I couldn't get it out like right before. I was like, you're not gonna do this. And I was like, doing it. And I said it and then everything went silent. Which was actually the scariest thing that could happen. And then it was just stamped. Like it's low walk and I was like, oh no. - Oh no. - You're like, Bobby, Bobby, Bobby, no, Bobby, no. - And then she yelled at me. - Okay. - Yeah. It wasn't as bad as you'd think. - Oh. - Yeah, it wasn't an opening for more. - Okay. - It was just like, can I be, maybe honest? - Maybe because the word Kant, I don't know. It like, I feel like for Boston, that was just how you guys talk to each other. - Yeah, that was just how long. - Yeah, I was just like, hey, what's up mom? - Which were both from Massachusetts, we found out. - Yeah. - Situate and I'm from Easton. - Oh, everybody's from Massachusetts. - Everyone makes fun of me 'cause all I do is talk about the East Coast, but oh, same. - There's not enough wrap about it. - Oh, yeah. - What were you from? - Yeah, where are you from? - Bommel. - Mostly Arizona. - Oh, Arizona. - No, my family. So, born in Florida, moved to Virginia, moved to Arizona. But, (beep) - Sorry, sorry. - Okay, cool, I live in (beep) now. (laughs) My address is, she's going. - I lived there too, for a while. - Okay. - I actually went to college in (beep) - Really? - That's where I started going to college before I then switched to online college to ASU online. - Oh, ASU? - Even though I was living out here. - And a military, what kind of military? - My dad was in the Air Force, he was a lieutenant colonel. - Oh, wow. - Yeah, and he was a pilot for Southwest. - Southwest. - Amazing. Does he fly Boeing? Or did he? - He's retired, I mean, whatever Southwest planes are. - Wait, okay, Boeing scares me. - Oh, Boeing scares me. - He scares the shit out of me, too. - Oh, Boeing scares the shit out of me, too. - But, yeah. Boeing scares me, too. - For saying that, but Boeing, but I love Boeing. - And your memoir is all about how Boeing is corrupt. - But my first boyfriend and love was from Arizona. - Greg. - Greg. - Greg. - Greg changed his name, and Greg. - Greg. - To West Point. - Whoa! - Yeah. - Okay. - He tense love. - That's like from a hippie family. Especially when it was like, oh my god, it's not gonna like you. - Oh, yeah. - Of course. - And maybe that's why we date them. - Yeah. - Yeah. - Yeah. - For sure. - Foundry is in the West Point. - So, so your book, give us just maybe like two log lines about it. - The book that we read. - The book that I read, tell me what it's about. - I don't want to give it in my terms. No, no, no, let's hear your log line. - The same one. - Your daughter dies. - Your dad dies. - This is die. (laughing) - Spoiler alert. - Spoiler alert. - It's kind of obvious in the beginning now, right? - It's. - Or no. - Okay, in the beginning, what was obvious to me is the astrangement. - Yep. - The, haven't met my boyfriend that I've been with, that I share a place with, so that's an astrangement. - Right, right. - And there, I mean, I already knew before I read it. - Yeah. - That was happening, but to me, it was like, I really love that you gave us the present moment, not fully the present moment, but like a scene in the future and then we went backwards. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - And for me, 'cause we talked about this earlier, is that all my memories are burned into my head because I have sisters, and all we do to process life is talk about what happened with mom, or what happened with dad. And so for me, it was like I was locked in on the journey. I was like, oh, here we go. The complicated, complex relationship with your parent that you're estranged from. But I knew that there was gonna be a coming together. But it wasn't clear to me. - That actually is the perfect, you did it. And I didn't, and I didn't mean, I didn't mean to grill you, and then like, I'm sorry, but they love to be grilled. - Wow. - My mom would grill me all the time on that question. - Oh, man, so good, like, good school. - It wasn't good at that. - Okay. - Me neither. - Wow, thank you for that. - Yeah, I mean, trying to do the log line is something that I'm not great at. - Neither am I. - No. - I don't know why I put you in that position. - No, no, no, no, no, I want to. I mean, I really want to talk about it. I feel like part of being in my 30s was recognizing how much the relationship with my dad had been very transformational over and over in over in very dramatic ways. And so later in life, we were estranged for five years, but then back into my early childhood, he was my best friend. - Yeah. - Cool dad, angel. - Angel, number one. - Like the thing giving innocence to childhood of my mom being freaky and my dad being like, let's go to the movies. Here's $20, just the safe part. And then I think as you get older, it's normal to feel like the pedestal, the parent falling off the pedestal. What about the breaking of that is super, super painful. - Yeah. - And especially the parent that you were like, no, but that one's perfect. - That one's great because we're all, we're kind of like us versus mom, right guys. - Right, right. - Yeah, and then we get to the patriarchy and that's a whole nother. You're kind of taught to not like your mom versus your dad. - It's just. - Which I'm going through as a parent also. - Oh. - Anyway, no, we're, she's five. - Well, you have a daughter. - Yeah, you do have a daughter. Anyway, so yeah, I think like, and then I was able by the end of his life, which we thought was gonna be, he got a diagnosis. We thought it was gonna be one to five years and it ended up being two months. - And you wanted to go to Italy. And he didn't get to Italy. But we brought Italy to him in a sense. And I got to be his caregiver at the end. But I mean, as heavy as the spine and the trajectory of my relationship with my dad was, he's the funniest person I've ever met. My mom, you know, unintentionally, also very, very funny. And it's really sifting through memories of my childhood of like, who was he? Was he that god like figure that I remembered or not? And that continued to affect my identity. - It's breaking the script. - Yeah. - It's like, you're figuring yourself out by figuring out who your parents were to you. - Yeah. - I read this great book when I was like, doing my breaking of my relationship with my mom. 'Cause I was like, okay, I want this relationship. It's called forgiving ourselves, forgiving our parents. I've never heard of it. It was so good and it's not about, it's not about like forgiving your parents. I'm going, I forgive you. But it's like forgiving the memories of who you thought your parents were. - Yeah. - You know, 'cause I know your dad was like, oh, I read the divorce scene and, whoa, it was different from your eyes. And it was like, yeah, that's how, you know, relationships with your parents are. So it's like, I feel like most people start to go through this. I don't know if it happens in their 30s or 20s or 60s. - Yeah. - I've seen your parent differently than the idealist version of the script of it. - I feel like it's probably different for each person based on like circumstances, right? Like your dad passing away. It's like, it's a dark thing to think about, but it almost like gives you more permission to think about things. - Not really. - You've got people, if they're not passed away, if they're still here, like, 'cause I feel like I talk to everybody in everybody's journey.
is so different but everything kind of goes through it. No matter how ideal your relationship with your family is, like it's an inevitable thing. That's what I think seem to go through. I think you like have to go through it. But then I don't know if you feel this way, but I feel like our parents' generation, boomers, they like never went through it with their parents. But then, when their parents get a little old, they like unpack it. They unpack it, but in a way that's like, it's so tight totally. Whereas we're like, I almost disagree though, that I feel like a lot of our parents aren't, didn't unpack anything. Well, I don't think a lot of them did. Maybe I'm speaking personally. Sure. Is my mom is definitely unpacking all the years. And she's holding on tight. And her parents are, her dad passed. Okay. And but her mom is alive. And she's her number one caretaker. Oh, wow, yeah. Wow, and she also has six siblings now. Yeah. How long has she been the caretaker? Years. Wow. Years. But my father is very like Portuguese Catholic, goes to church, very wants to be independent. So, which is complicated because she's like, I can drive. Yeah. It's like, no, I shouldn't and can't. We actually should be taking away your license forever. But she still tried me. I mean, you did it. No. Very well. Some of my mom was like, I picked her up and I let Vava drive home. And I'm like, don't do that. Wow. God. Meow. There's something about that I think it's funny about death and interesting, which is like, it's so much easier to forgive I find afterwards. Or there's like this softening to the edges of the things that hurt where you're like, yeah, that was hard, but it doesn't sting the same way. And I keep trying to, even though my mom and I are actually in a really good place now. But I keep, at times when I, this is morbid, where I'll try to apply and go like, OK, I was in such a bad place with my dad. And fortunately, we got things back together before he left. But thinking back on the, there's a softening to the memories of him. Can I apply that retroactively to my mom, who's a lie? Oh, yeah. And go like, maybe Anna don't be such an asshole when she says something that, and I can't. The answer is you actually can't. You can't change that. And also, yeah, with, yeah, with my dad and like, and trying to prepare myself earlier for what it would feel like when he died. I also was not possible. It's until after I was like, oh, there's nothing I could do to prepare myself. It's just like a removal of a thread that no one asks you if they could take. And then it's just out of you and gone. Yeah. When someone's alive, you have to have your boundaries, whereas when they're not here, there's no boundaries anymore. You're safe to like-- You're safe. You're safe to think about. However, whereas like, when your parents are alive, and I see so much discussion about this online of people who are like, should I cut my parents off? Yeah. Well, it's like a thing now, right? Of like no contact is a hashtag. And the problem is with Sony people's parents, it's like the line of like, oh, they are destructive for your life is such a tough line. I know. It's such a weird line to me because I know I'm different, but like, I personally, I couldn't imagine getting older and not making those types of amends for me personally. OK. Like, meaning not getting things better. Like, not figuring it out. I don't know if it's because I'm obsessed with people and the relationships and studying relationships and the complexity. And I don't know if that's having sisters and processing a lot, but I couldn't imagine getting older and not finally saying the thing, or having them say the thing, even if it is painful, because I know reading in your book, you and your dad had some like pretty raw, exposed painful conversations. And part of me when I was reading it was like, laughing because I was just like, oh, yeah. Like, I got a chill through me because I was just like, yup. You know, that thing that you want to like expose to them and be like, why did you do that? That was weird. That made me feel weird. And that's set up my relationships in a weird way. But they don't-- it's not-- I know. It feels like they're at least for me with this distraction with my dad. It was like kind of a slow burn of unsettling events after being super, super close when I was young. And then kind of holding his feet to the fire slowly of being like, will you see a therapist? Will you, like, this thing made me uncomfortable? And he would get-- he was just in a different point in his life where maybe he wasn't. He was the same the whole time. I don't know. But he was pissed about it, like, every time. And it-- I pushed the limit to a point where, like, I wasn't comfortable around him anymore. And it was like an explosive, you know, goodbye. I'm never going to see you again instead of, like, hey, I'm making this. I wish that I had had the courage, I think, earlier to just say, like, I'm not comfortable with this relationship anymore in these terms. So it wasn't-- and then the tragedy and the death before he actually had was knowing that he was still on Earth. And then I wasn't talking to him and feeling so guilty that he would call me and I wouldn't pick up or whatever. But I really had to, like, I couldn't hear myself and my own thoughts and my own needs while we were communicating. Because you can't change your upbringing in that, like, I saw him as the authority figure period. We all do. We're-- it's in our DNA. I saw him. I needed, like, ultimate approval from him. These things that actually-- some aspects that aren't his faults. Do you know what I mean? We're just embedded in thoughts. And I had to, like, get comfortable with the idea of the ultimate disappointment for my own needs. And the ultimate disappointing him was not fucking calling him back. It killed me. Oh, god. But he finally-- I was lucky in the sense that, like, I was willing to do it at a time when, like, we may have never come back together. But it was the thing that ultimately led us back together was that he was-- I was able to hear myself. I was able to show up differently. I wasn't the same person as I was five years earlier. That was, like, as reactive. So I also ended up taking a lot more responsibility for myself. And he did, too. That was the miracle. And that's the part that wasn't guaranteed. So that's the leap. But I don't know. It makes me sad online to see the-- it's such a fractured community of, like, the no contact of are you on the parent side or the kid side. And I'm, like, I'm always kid side kind of person. Because I have a child inside me. That's alive and well. But I also feel for everybody. Because most people are doing their best. They're doing-- And that's sad. I think there's a couple of points in your book where, like, you with your dad-- you did such a good job of, like, really detailing out such a complicated relationship in such a, like, complicated person in your dad. Where, like, I was reading the book. And I-- it was weird where I was, like, OK, I'm preparing for this episode. And I'm like, I don't know how I feel about your dad. And I was almost like, I was like, I don't know how you want me to feel about your dad. Where I was like, oh, I was almost nervous to talk to you about it. Because I was like, oh, I'm scared. What if I have this opinion of your dad? But I'm like, but you wrote this. And I'm just reading this. And this is my take on it. No, I-- like, that's-- I intentionally am not telling-- and then pen 15, too, which is, like, you know, I don't want to tell people how to feel about something. I really want to, like, hold up a mirror to what it was to me. And the problem with me is also, I'm always questioning my, you know, point of view or reality. Sure, it's actually saying. Yeah, so anyway, I-- Whatever you think and feel is-- I'm, like, honored you read it and have-- Oh, yeah, absolutely. I was stoked to read it and, uh, truly, like, started reading it. And I was like, oh, my God. And then I was, like, hooked on it. Oh, thank you. Thank you. What do you think about my dad by the end? I mean, I go-- I think a lot of layered things about him now, in addition to-- And also just to play this groundwork, which I should have set off the bat, is, like, he had the darkest sense of humor. Yeah. And one of his last days on Earth, a nurse, came in and was, like, you know, he's, like, com-a-e. And that's a word, right? Yeah, com-a-e. I was like, like, yeah, com-a-e. And you can't, like, move his mouth very well. And the nurse is like, um, are you hot? And he goes, I'd like to think so. What? Dude, he's like, he's fucking funny. Dude, I do wish I could hear it. I do wish I could hear it. I love that. So I think that's why I'm comfortable talking about it so much, because, like, he's, like, life is funny. Oh, yeah. The highs and the lows are funny. As it got to, like, the darkest moments, it always seemed like he was kind of just, like, not taking it too seriously. And, uh, it's hard-- like, I wish I could hear his voice, like, saying so much of it, but-- Oh, voice. No, I mean, there was things that you address, like, um, things that he did, right? I don't know if I don't want to, like, spoil things for the books, but there's, like, really uncomfortable things that are brought up that you even bring up, like, hey, and I'm trying to think if maybe you say it early in the book, or if, later on, you kind of surprise us, the reader of, like, when you're recollecting, like, hey, our relationship, our whole life, you-- you did this thing, and it made me really uncomfortable. And then, but there's-- you have some very honest conversations with him, and I think as I'm reading it, I'm kind of like, do I-- do I trust him?
- Yeah. - Do I trust that he is, he's saying like, you're right, you're right, and I'm sorry. - And I'm sorry. - Do I trust him? But that's almost like a thing, that's more of like a societal thing of how many stories we hear. I think if you ask the average person our age, 30s, 20s, like, do they think their parents could change? I think the, I think the average answer would be no. My parents are never gonna change, right? And I think we've all, like, as a generation, so many of us are just like, no, our parents are this way and we can say whatever we want to say our piece, but they're not gonna change. I think like, - It's interesting. - I feel like that's so much of the landscape. I think the political landscape, I think everything is just kinda like, it's this wedge. And that's why I think you see so much of this cutoff idea because it's just like, well, if they are hurting me, I do think there's something to be said. I think what you did was so important, which is like, hey, lay it all out. If you feel safe to do it, like there's obviously levels to this shit, right, I think. - And it took me four or five years of the astrangement of going to therapy and writing letter after letter with the therapist to him that I never sent of going, what is the letter that exists so that I feel better? So that I know I said the things that I need to be seen, that I can sleep at night and that he, if he blamed, 'cause the first letter I wrote wanted something from him, was like, I'm saying these things and I'm sweetening this and that, so maybe he'll just apologize and we can be better. But in the more holistic version of being, and if, you know, not being estranged anymore and feeling genuinely comfortable around him, it was a version of writing something where even if he blamed everything on me and said I was crazy and whatever, there was still something that I was gaining from the letter and that's where my heart breaks a little bit because I'm so, and but to loop back to what you're saying, but I'm so lucky that the letter back that he wrote was, I feel lucky, was reflective. He didn't say you're crazy, like he hadn't passed. He was like, oh, I made you uncomfortable in this way. So sorry. - So sorry. - I didn't know that was wrong. - I was shocked. - What are you talking about? - Yeah. - I was shocked when I was reading, I was like, - What? - Who is that? - That's why, like I said, when I read that I was like, I don't know if I'm believing this, but I feel like in the next chapter you're about to be like, and then he approves that he doesn't actually believe. - No, that's fair. - I don't know. I also, I love the way he wrote because I was able to project my own feelings onto it. I was able to read it through my childhood, my eyes also and like trying to relate. And it's funny because I had that initial feeling of like, okay, who is this guy? - I want to just talk to him. - I want to talk to him. - Yeah, attention. - But then what's crazy is when you wrote the letter, I somehow knew he was gonna write back to you in this, in this, I'm sorry, I blah, blah. And I don't know if it's because like my mom writes letters when she's a very, she cannot, she is not a, let's talk it out person, my mom writes letters. I know, it makes me emotional. - I know, I almost just started. (laughing) - But like, the cool thing about the letter part, sorry. - New mom. - Yeah, I know, I know, I know. - The cool thing about the like letters part is that you're able to really like, I think that they are really able to express themselves. And so when you wrote a letter, and you did it multiple times with your therapist, you were able to actually present a letter that fulfilled like replenished your well, replenished like your cup, so that you were able to be like, whatever happens, I'm going to be okay, and whatever your response is. And I think that honestly, that that was the right formula for your dad. I'm like, I don't know your dad, obviously. But I went through all the emotions with him, but there was something that was very connected to my family and that like, when you laid it out, I'm like, there's only one way that he could respond. If he was, if this relationship was ever going to make amends. - Yeah. - And when he did that, I was like, they're going to make amends. It was so impactful to me. - Well, and who knows, and thank you for sharing that. Who knows, if like, it was, you know, after the coming back together, after the instrument, we did not have a lot of time together. Like, and I didn't know that he was gonna, you know, get sick. And so we happened to make amends really soon before he found out. And so, listen, he, my dad, and I say this in the book, was best when he was taken care of. So the fact that I became his caregiver, it was like the best version of him. - Yeah. - Who knows? I mean, you know, who knows if he had lived five years, would we have gotten another huge fight? - Possibly in Italy. - Like Italy. - He would be in Italy. - He really wanted to go to Italy. He never got to Italy. Spoiler. He wants to serve her and you're like, Dad, give it one second and he's like, don't tell me what to do. That's another weird thing when parents are like, don't tell me what to do. Like when you're in his place and you set up the oxidant, and he's like, why would you, and you're like, "Uh oh." - He's throwing pillows. - Oh, yeah, yeah. Did you wash the strawberries in the vinaigrana? (laughing) They last longer that way. I was like, we will leave your condo. - That. - Then stop leaving, do me that way. Yeah, so I don't know, like life is, life is funny, but it is the way that it ended, where we got to end in a really beautiful place, but it also isn't a perfect bow, it's not, and that it rarely is, I think. - No, and I think, I do think, this is very much an internet thing, and we do a lot of shows where we talk about a lot of different types of situations and relationships. I think we want so badly to just be like, make black and white out of situations, and it would be so convenient to do that, and I think your book does a great job of exploring how complicated everything is, and that kind of, you're never gonna feel like you're doing the right thing, ultimately. It's always kind of just like, "Well, this is what I have to do." And I always think there's something in your book that's kind of beautiful of kind of, in between of like, the cutting people off and not, of like, you gave yourself some space, and you're able to communicate to your dad in a place where you weren't beholden to him, where you're like, "Okay, this is true to me." And I'm saying this, and I'm getting it off my chest. So I think there is almost like, to people who are debating on what they want to do with their parents, like, it doesn't have to be forever, but it is okay to also be like, "Hey, like, if I'm in a complicated relationship with my parent where I can't communicate honestly to them because they're this authority figure, and they're looming over me to like, if you need to take that time to then communicate to them." I think it's also like, what do you want from your parent? I felt like it was just like, what you were exploring is like, what do you, what do you hope to gain? Because they're not going to come to you and erase all the trauma from the past. But our inner child wants that. We want a softening of memories. We want like a redo. Because it sucks to go to bed thinking about the memories. We're thinking about the conversation. We're like, oh my god, those edges are so sharp. I want a softness, but like, they're not, that's why when people say they're never going to change, I think it's more like, they're not going to do that thing that you want them to do. Then you're changing because we're growing up. We're going to go into adult and so our needs change. And I think the best parents, there's a flexibility even if they're not going to like change deep into their core, they can still pretend. Right. Hey, come on, just pretend for a little bit. You don't say that at dinner to my boyfriend this time. For sure. Even your mom was like a rapid changer. So I was thinking about her when you said that on the other end, we're like, she changed her name when she was 75 from Janet to Janet because that is more open. And it reflects me. Your mom is definitely the funniest to me, but also the most terrifying at times. Yeah. It's for the blanket, the prayer blanket, the church blanket. You know what I love about my parents? We're going to get back together and that was the love story. Your mom can come visit. Yeah, after not seeing her for 15 years, I thought, am I going to be going to kiss right before he dies? Is this like a fucked up notebook? You're like putting the button the most toxic. Yeah, mom. My mom's the one because there's like a kiss for five. One more. Kiss, kiss, kiss. For those who have read the book, that is the darkest, yeah. But that's what made me laugh the most because like our brains go there. Yeah. To like the darkest place. Because I swear that's what she wanted. Because there was this seeking drama from my mom's shape. Wow, can you feel the deepest of things in your life. And I bust see my ex-husband's dying. Yeah, eyes and tell him, I love him. Yeah, you know, I'm a nurse. I can help. I can help. And yeah. And then I was like, is this going to happen? And then on the one of the last days he was, because I kept asking, he's like, can mom come? No. Wow. OK, that's the pin. To be under debt, I didn't say that is pretty. And to be like, he was like, like, an athlete. He was like, I love the lot. Because she divorced him. Yeah. So I think you got the last like-- Yeah. And then I'm divorcing you for life. I'll be honest, that's got to probably hit pretty hard. That's got to feel pretty good. He was like, I'm going into the other life. - You're a good man.
I'm like there's a few things when you're like about to die like what what probably feels so awesome and getting that like last little bit Yeah, she's like haha. I got her and her person left her like yeah person. They're like mom. Yeah. Oh, it's awful But like but then it's funny. It's so funny that it's like you're good at capturing You're good at capturing the funny of like really dark moments, but just very impressive I don't know why I like funny and dark I think things aren't dark. I don't think they're funny. Well, they that weird Tragedy and comedy are like right there. Wait, what did you say? I said I said I think when things aren't dark They're not I agree funny. Yeah, like there's like a darkness to even like even I don't know I don't know if that's true across the board But that's what I'm the most attracted to like strangers with candy the comeback Those are the thing that the characters are like so broken And pretending and posing. Uh-huh to be fine. Yeah Like that's a darkness that I'm like because that's I can never I want that. Yeah, it's absurdity of just like what the hell Or is anyone doing you're eating show. Yes, the movie might that's all I like characters that are like it's so trying to be enough It's you know me scrunching my wig I loved that wig because it looked like it was half scrunched so I just kept scrunching it so good I mean I keep adjusting my hair sitting right here Well, that's how I put this here trust me I don't want to I'm just like but my favorite I loved our comedy so much too because It's so honest. Yeah, it's the truth of it if you're just like oh my god me too, right? It's like yeah, I want to say that it's like I don't I know a lot of comedians feel this way But I don't come home after a day of work. Yeah, you know doing comedy and put on comedy right? I'm like it better be dark as hell intervention power on yeah quarters. What about you quarters? I love quarters. Orgers is maybe that gets that's that is the scariest show of all time But there's something so Psychological and therapeutic about it towards the end because that I'm not in it I'm not there. Well, they pile on all the clothes because they're hiding this shame this sadness this like Man, what is this brain does we are freaky freaky Can I can I ask a bit of a topic change but I was so fascinated and this is same with pen 15 you're so good at remembering Dialogue from your life like specific scenes. You have a three-page scene between you and two other kids when you're like six I think Where you guys have an argument over whether the cat the stray cat that your family adopted actually below You are not yeah, and it goes on for so long and you were it's like line by line of like an agonizing argument between children I was like I I remember having these types of arguments I don't remember what was actually said there's some moments that I that there's just like a lot of yeah I can it's auditory like I can kind of hear it But there's plenty that are not like we were talking about this before and like if I lose my I never can find my keys my phone But there's just like these moments of like that was a defining moment for me of moving to Massachusetts and Like leaving Vermont which I loved as a kid and my moving out of my parents in this idyllic looking house and The cat had just like the the neighborhood cat had just moved into our house And that was like a real comfort, you know, and there are these like two neighbor friends that could be my best friends If I could try and really hard and like what an amazing I was always in fantasy, so like what an amazing life to have like And a good day for and your garden our cats are in your own so for them to be like that's actually the neighborhood cat How dare you bring in a deal the cat like that yeah, that's just alive and well unfortunately, and that's this brain like I Remember a lot more than I wish Did you just take it out? Yeah, I feel like you're thinking with like your imagination fantasy. You're like whoa How beautiful the world could be and then there are these people coming in and being like no Anna And it's what everybody else's life looks like to me. Yes, where I'm like I'm just trying to reach the happiness that other people have I think it's like a like a Breaking of your own of script of of just like this Because I also relate is like I I felt like I was literally in the secret garden like I was like this garden is Secret and magical and fairies are everywhere and then my my mom that get inside now and I was like True I lived in my head a lot. Yeah me too. Did you ever have feelings? I don't I rarely have this anymore, but especially when I was get especially when there was like intense moments funny or otherwise Of like a zoom out of being able to see yourself. Yes. Oh, yeah It's kind of that Feeling of like like you're observing your own life. I don't be I wonder if you sat down and you like just were like Put yourself there if you could be like and he said You know your dick. Oh, yeah, I said that like if you started in a granular way I wonder if you could like you could definitely Maybe I feel like I think I think I think I think you could go I think how I go there is I tell Definitely, okay. Oh a thousand brain. How often do you think about your childhood all the time? I'm so jealous of people that don't third. I think about it all I like thoughts, but like there are there are it almost scares me where I'm like there's Years like big like five young cheer five year chunks of my life. I'm like. I don't know if I remember a single thing from that era I want to get out Maybe it's that I don't think about it enough. No, I don't think about that I want to get some hypnotherapy. I know lock it. Yeah, what's going on? I'm a certified hypnotherapist really and I have That I was so excited for a moment. I had a therapist. I had a therapist try to do hypnotherapy And it didn't wait my sister was a hypnotherapist for seven years did she like and she stopped and then moved back to Vermont Why'd she stop? She couldn't do it well? No? She didn't she did it in front of me or by accident She was like, huh, past life regression. I was what a buffalo No, I want to do that. I did that. What were you? Whoa? Whoa? You were a lady from Massachusetts I was just a woman collecting oysters from Massachusetts. It was so weird. No, I was like I'm so gullible No, what kind of fantasy world, fantasy, too? No, I was like I did this past life regression with my sister So at first with our hypno sessions. I was like her voice. I was like, what are you? What are you doing with your voice? She's like and your Baba and then finally after a few times I really got there and I was like, oh, this is fun Wow and my past life regression was actually pretty legit I was like part of this community. I don't know what year it was. I have no idea Like the queen of the community, but I know I was definitely not the queen. I was like the rejected. Oh, but I didn't want to be a part of the community Yeah, I was your sister's like in a past life. You were a huge Loser. My sister's like you were covered in shit. I wanted you you were not the pretty sister You were actually kind of ugly, which is so interesting. We should unpack that later But the main theme of it was is that I wanted to leave this community and Like explore I was like I loved my community, but I wanted to explore and when I got back they drowned me and killed me No, I think no wrong not true. No, whatever my sister said was totally true It's totally healthy to have your sister to your path like regression, but I also mean it was decidedly wrong Yeah, not cool not cool to drown someone guys to drown in a well is a really tough experience Oh, yeah, okay, I call bullshit because that's their drinking water. Yeah, well they put me in there Yeah, the corpse put in the drinking water. They put in corpse and then the community did drink. They are the idiots wait All-time a man. There's something suit about that you drowned in a past life. Yeah, I drowned as a child And we found each other Smoshed, but you mean I don't remember this it might be This is really sad Oh, and I also interrupted you earlier when you said that your sister stopped for a certain reason I'm not there. Oh, no she just stopped because she just couldn't Okay, you know what she wanted to change. Okay. She's like so bored with your past life Shut up. Okay. No, but this story is crazy. I've told the story many times. No, it's this is very Your life. You're here. I'm alive. I'm here. I think you remember it. See this picture. No, I don't I was 18 months old This was in Florida We laugh about it. No, we we love dark humor here I when I was 18 months old my parents were on the other side of the house I was behind a baby gate. I got past it because I'm fucking awesome Different flip over it probably and I went out to our pool and I was throwing rocks in the pool Probably dropping them in there. Nope. How do they know? How do you know that part because there's rocks in the pool? Got it. It's like They look there's like there's rocks in those buildings. Well, he did a past like that. You don't remember how do you know that there's rocks? Apparently they they assess that I must have been dropping rocks in the pool fell in and then they found me I know I know I know I was gray. I wasn't breathing. Oh my god I just started throwing up I jumped in he was wearing his full like flight suit Air Force flight suit jumped in the pool got me out and then my mom started doing CPR and then when the ambulance came
They took me in there like, you know, like she had just got me breathing again I think when they showed up and then the funny thing I told this is really funny Okay, is that they were like they were like I know I know he's alive We don't know if there's brain damage and you're not gonna really know until kindergarten And I think back on my memories and I'm like man That's so funny that every time I brought like a drawing or did anything I was like check this out They're like My dad was like he was gonna be in the Air Force now he's gonna be a fucking actor some shit Podcasts talking and yeah, yeah, it's gonna be a podcaster. He said that in 1995 like what the hell? No, so I Drowned and was brought back to life in Florida. Oh my which is very Florida thing to do. It's all happened in Florida Not Arizona. Florida. No, it's very Florida behavior. This is Florida be yeah throwing rocks in a pool, you know Hearing that story now as is is quite hard to hear Fine, right? I think when my when I finally had nieces and nephews and they were 18 months old I think it hit me then I'm just like oh my god if I had to see one of them Like not alive for a second. I'd be haunted. My heart is still beating hard, but I know another funny thing here Another funny thing is so my my family. I was like wow That's like the most haunting moment of their life probably that I don't remember But my brother and my dad my nickname was Shane Bobber for so long and I actually didn't know and it wasn't until I was like 12 that I connected I've like oh it's cuz I was bobbing up and down in the pool Your dad is funny. Is he funny? I don't know if it was my dad or my brother. They're both funny. They're funny. I mean that's fucked up But that's funny. It's pretty funny. I don't know how much how long after it's really dark now we're talking now we're talking Remember that let's get a memory. Let's play a drinking game where every time I stop at a page I read it and then we all take a shot Don't cry. I'm sorry mom. Don't cry. No, no, no, we're gonna come on. Don't bring out the depressing shit Shane Bobber. Oh, yeah, it's giving me a mental image. That's the problem Do you read do you read a book know me too? Do you read a book and you have the whole image in your head Projecting it and so then whenever a book is turned into a movie you're like uh-oh. Oh, yeah That's not how I pictured him. Yeah, I don't like that. It wasn't supposed to be a gone girl That's not what's supposed to happen, but I realize it's also why I I could be a better speaker Because Let's That's a perfect point because I feel like I picture everything that said I so like I I can write it down It's like nice to be like see it and then like write it down, but like when I'm talking just hit the mic It's like an oh, I get like overstimulated. Do you guys? Yeah, you do I I picture everything like I think okay Of another in joke here at smosh is that I laugh at all my own jokes, right? And I do but I it's because I just want to laugh all the time But here's my here's a thing people think that I think I'm funny. I don't think I'm funny In fact, what frustrates me is when I'm saying a joke. I'm picturing this image in my head. That's making me laugh And I never deliver What I'm seeing in my head, but I'll be like I'll say a joke, but I'm imagining someone else saying it in my head I never knew that makes me laugh So like who's saying it? It'll just be me always she's like anybody ever right? Like I'll just be picturing some imagery in my head as I'm saying it I really whenever I do an impression the way I do impressions is I truly just I'm barely seeing what's in front of me I'm thinking of the person in my head and I'm just Having them acted out and it's almost like I'm to me. I'm so interesting. Yeah, wait, do you not see like a face? I see a face. Okay, okay. No, it's the person. Well, no, it's it'll be different every time He's gonna be saying a joke of like oh, it's like as if this person was saying this. I don't know It's hard to describe. Yeah, I relate to that. Yeah, but I'm imagining someone else saying it usually But it is a funny idea that all of your jokes are someone else like one specific person in your head saying I didn't know that Yeah, I'm usually trying to like Santa. You know, you're like it's always Santa But Mrs. Claus gets one joke one joke a year. What's going on with Mrs. Claus? Why do I? What is she thinking about her a lot? I we think about Mrs. Claus all the time. Um, do you guys? No, I think about her all the time. What about her? What? I just want to know what she's doing with her time for the rest of the year. She's relaxing. She's probably the one building all The fans and wrapping it. No, the elves. They're barely doing anything. I will not take elves lander. Okay, on this podcast Mrs. Claus is doing probably almost everything. She's doing the books. She's doing the budget. She's doing the financial Financial budget. She's working with quickbooks. Let's all be she's managing all the elves. The elves show up late. She is probably the earliest. They're wasted. They love a lot of life. They're always looking for. Yeah, drinking rum. And she's wearing jeans most of the time. She's wearing jeans. She's not wearing like velvet racks. Yeah, she's wearing jeans. She's with it. She's with it. I don't know why I'm thinking about that. But talking about Impressive. She wears thongs. Oh, she wears and high thongs. Thongs that like reach the midway where when you see her in a thong, you're like High thongs. Very sexy. You know, like 80's thongs. Yes. Yeah. And they've been asking for human resources and they don't have it. But it's awkward because whenever she bends over you see like the sort of thongs. And they're not allowed to say anything about it. And the elves They're like, I can't mostly offended. She choose their steps. Except for our news turned on, but he's too young and it's awkward and chasing Santa. He's way too young and he's Talked to Santa about. He's like, how long are you and Mrs. Claus going to be together? And he's like, why are you You asked me these questions, son, brother, son, because all the elves are his sons, yeah, they be fucking. Yeah, they all be fucking. That's the thing. And it's kind of weird to Santa and Mrs. Claus are humans, Mrs. Claus, but their children are elves. We'll be have a genetic. Um, it's a weird thing. Yeah, it's like when you put the genetic. It's like your excessive jeans. It's like, we're not elves, but our children are elves. Yeah. Yeah. It's like when it like when it's like two people with brown eyes have a child with blue eyes. And every birth is a litter. Yeah. We're turning Mrs. Claus into some sort of eldritch terror. There's some runs. That's the North Pole guys. In case you needed to. That's also in your book. So I love the chapter. We talk about the North Pole. The apple log is actually about Mrs. Claus. It's a metaphor and the thong is about being oppressed by the patriarchy. I'm not realizing that you're just trying to please the patriarchy. Just trying to please the patriarchy, Santa, whatever. And let me tell you everyone looks good in in an 80's thong. I really? Oh, yeah. I'm really trying not to do thongs anymore. Larry the cable guy. We like hold up your thong and you were like, yeah, a little in the mirror. No, or you're talking about just like I did it in life. No, no, no. Just like that's a whole episode of the couple. Yeah, that's the path. Yeah, the thong episode. And I know that. Yeah, I know that. I'm winning the host. Yes. Wait, wait, wait, no. Hold on. Hold on. You better cook something up. Bullcat. Bullcat. Bullcat. Oh, you got the whole red station wagon. Um, um, we read your whole book. So Mrs. Claus. Yeah, let's say ding, ding, ding, ding. I'm sure there's a red station wagon in there. But I'm winning. I'm winning it life. Okay, that's true. But I will say one thing. That's true. This is what I wanted to say that I love that you therapist your life through pen 15. That's true. And I have to ask a question. I know your dad had a response about reading it. But like, what was your mom's response? Because I know you wrote your parents. No, pen 15. One pen 15. Um, they, they were both pretty supportive. My mom would always go like, it's fine. I'll move out of the universe. Just move out of the universe kind of as a joke, of course. But then for example, like I did, um, Jimmy Fallon one night. Hey, honey. I mean, she accidentally, because you know, all the conversations are mostly pre-planned, obviously, blah, blah, blah, what? Not here, guys. Let me just give you the Santa Claus from like, it's all real, right? I didn't really know until the first time I was like surprised. I know. I'm such an idiot. Sat. No. I'm saying I'm sad by that. Oh, yeah. I thought that I was like more. I mean, there is. I think they're all a little differently, right? Every late night host does it a little differently. But Jimmy Fallon. We planned for Jimmy. Sorry, not Jimmy Fallon. Jimmy Kimmel. Well, Jimmy Fallon too. All of them. Oh, I'm really bad at games. Jimmy Fallon. I used to wait on when I waited tables. They loved Mimosa brunch. Oh, I've heard. Craft bar and New York City. Oh, I've heard. Interesting. And that, um, Jimmy Kimmel. We started talking about my mom and that was, it took a turn. And I talked about her changing her name. And I thought she was going to be really mad at me afterwards. She wasn't. She wasn't. She was like my friend Jimmy. Oh, she's probably loved that. But with this book, you were saying that your mom was read the whole book. Well, so I thought, yeah, so all I, yeah, she read it. I sent it to her a while ago before it was finished finished and was like, what? Because I want to give everybody a chance to read it and be like, this my memory or this isn't fair blah blah blah and off
Obviously, it's not the moments that she intended to let be public. She was so incredible while she was reading it, honestly, and she was writing me apologies. And also explaining things that I included too, I was working three jobs, and I was like, when your dad got fired, I kept whatever. And then a week or two before this was going to be final, I was like, I think I'm going to change this one other thing, someone's name, and she was like, I have no idea what you're talking about. And I was like, but you read it, and she was like, I scanned it. But that's her, that is who she honestly was validation that like who she is. Yep. She's like, I'm a vegetarian, and you're like, you're eating a steak, and she's like, just Tuesday. Yeah. I don't usually eat steaks. And then she goes and she's like, is that bacon? I'll have a little. That almost, that almost like juxtaposed, but fits in like you were talking about how like you live in like a fantasy or like whatever, and she's really living in a fantasy. Yeah. This is very, she is the idea of herself in a way. Absolutely. Absolutely. She's like, I am this person. And that's so many people's parents. Yeah. Because the way people talk about their parents, just like, oh, I am whatever I say I am. Is that just what happens to humans? Like, well, we all be like, like are we like that now, and we'll continue to be like that, where it's like, because there's things people say to me where I'm like, wait, that's how I am. That does happen. That's all. Same. A thought that I have a lot, because I don't think about my childhood. I have having these other thoughts is, uh, we're going to get it there. Don't worry about it. Having a time machine and going back to seeing your parents when they're the same age as you, to be like, because then you can be like, okay, were you just like me? Or are we how similar? My mom's just a huge believer. And then you go back and be like, were you like you are now then, but I'm just remembering differently. And if they're a me or not now, or if you can see them, just all sorts of things, right? Kind of everything. When I was a teenager, I thought about it a lot of just like, I wonder what my parents were like when they were teenagers. I never thought about that. And would we have even liked each other, if we were to? That's very bad. We spent a time thinking about. Sure. Cause if you fall in love with his mom? Well, his mom's kind of weird to him, yeah, yeah. Oh, not that. Yeah. I'm not talking. No contact. I want to write a letter. What I would really want is to go back in a bubble, invisible bubble. They can't see me, but I just get to observe them and just be like, what were you like? And then especially when it's like, you know, when they're the age that they, you were born. Yeah. What were you like? My parents were talking to me. I want to know. I mean, we have like video camera footage. And my mom was very much like, she was in her power all the time. In the power. Every time the camera went to her, she was like, what are you doing? And I'm like, that's kind of cute. I really have any video. Really cute. It was really cute. Apparently I have any video of my parents, like of childhood videos. There's nothing like that. Oh, I got a video camera and I kept filming them and I would zoom in on my mom. What are you doing? And I would zoom in on my dad. And he'd be like, get that camera out of my face, Amanda. Like, so I learned a lot and then I was like, oh, oh, but they're do, they're, they're kind of different. Yeah. Like my, you know, so I don't know if I'd want to see them at that age. I guess I saw them there, but they knew I was filming them. So what would they be like if they didn't know I was there? God. But it is the thing because people think like, oh, am I going to become just like them? Like how much do we change over time and how much is generational? Yeah. Like how much is, how, what were baby boomers like when they were in their 30s? Yes. And then how much do we become like that? But I definitely think a part of us is like them and that's what makes us frustrated about them. Sure. Yes. But I also heard this can't remember where, can't remember what could have been a reality show. I heard about a study that I meant to look up. It's fine. About mice that I want to see they were shown the color orange and then they were, and then there was a loud sound. And they would like jump or something like that. I'm butchering this, but it was like four generations of my, and then they stopped doing it. It was four generations of mice later when they saw the color. I know I cried when I heard it. But I can't remember it exactly. They saw the color orange and they, there was still a reaction compared to other mice. That is so we're fucked because of our great, great, great, great grandmothers issue. We're so fucked up. I can't wait for you to do it past my progression one day. Yeah. One day. I also am dying to know what you were like in middle school and get into a chocolate memory. I do remember things. I have a character that I play here in Smosh called the Chosen. And he's just that, he's just like this guy who thinks he's like an action hero guy, right? And he is largely based on like in my head, what I would think all the time was like, you know, just that I'm like deep down I'm like, what if I'm actually super badass, but I'm just like not at all. Yeah. Were you popular? Like, were you that badass action? No. Were you the funny kid? No. Were you, did you say in your own corner? Was becoming a class clown. When I was in, I think I was in fourth or fifth grade when there was this kid who like would just interrupt class and say crazy shit and it would get a laugh sometimes. And you were like, I was like, I was like, I was like, no, I was like, that's fucking awesome. I was like, I need to start doing that and I started like being like, oh, wow, because I was when I was a little kid, super dead quiet, never spoke just kind of like in the corner. And then like for some reason, like, I saw that and it was like, okay, like, whoa, attention. What is that? Wow. Because I was like the youngest by a lot. My brothers were 8 and 11. So actually, I felt kind of not in a bad way, and if my mom watches this, like invisible in a way of just like, yeah, I'm just kind of like here while the world happens around me a little bit. And then you do things where it's like, whoa, like, and I think I equated attention with like, I'm real. And then. Oh, I'm a real boy. Like, oh, I'm a real. I'm a real person. Wow. I was 12 when in 5th grade we did a classroom play and I had never done any theater, any performing or any getting up in front of people at all. And I just got hooked on it and I played Willy Wonka. I was the only one who auditioned for like, oh, the only kid who auditioned. No, honey, you got it because of your talent. Yeah. But I did it. And it was like an immediate response from everybody, including my parents, of like, oh, my god. Like, whoa, you should do this. This is amazing. So it went from like zero to like a hundred of like zero to hero, holy shit. And then so then within two years, I was an auditioning for shit and going out to pilot season and stuff. So it was like going out for pilot season. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. It happened. It happened. Quit. Oh, my god. That was my dream. Yeah. And it was cool. But then it was also this like, oh, childhood over there, like, I now, this is my life. Wow. And this is my career. Wow. Wow. That's the very unique. So that kind of also shifted because I didn't have them like the regular high school experience. Right. And it was just into what I'm still in now, which is why I'm in the entertainment industry. Yeah. Did you, did you, you said that was your dream? Did you know early on that you wanted to like, I go to Hollywood and I didn't think Hollywood, but I was like, I loved, I loved like doing community theater in my town. Yeah. I loved singing. It's a lot of just like, pretend in the mirror, of like really adult situations. Of course. Of course. Like being like, oh, Edward, I related that so hard. Remember being in the. Deniver. Where are you? I'll never find him. Go home and time. What is, what? I remember being in the bathtub and the, um, the soap, there's like, you know, mold between the tile and whatever. In my mind, the soap container was like the intercom for my butler and there was always a break in. Yes. Like, cause like really like, Oscar, not like, yes, crying to the Meryl Street like, no, nothing irony about it. Like, how real could I cry? Yeah. How real could I. How fast could I cry? Don't ever remember, by the way, my parents would be like, you good? No, me neither. I don't think my parents ever, they just must have heard a sobbing in the, in the bathtub. Yeah. And they're like, that's life. So your butler. Did he come to say? Did the baller ever, um, did he ever save me? He didn't really. No, of course not. No, he tried. You have to save yourself. He was busy. Oh, that's kind of like that. I feel like the mind of this was every, and this was going on for a long time. Maybe still sometimes. Yeah, I think we're all, we're all being the showers and like, as I turn off the shower, I'm like, what if there was an intruder like in my house now and I'm, I'm buttoning. What would I have to do? What would you do? I, well, I envision in my head the badass version where I'm like, so chosen, whip open the curtain and like fight. Wow. And then I'm like, no real version. I don't know what the fuck I'm doing. You, you really version of it. I'm so full. You fall. Yeah, we're all curtain down with the air. We're a virgin. We're a virgin. I get it over the curtain. I piss and shit and spin. No. No. You hit your bottom off. What can you do if I'm doing that? Confuse your enemy. So we're all doing bathroom play. So we're all having a fun time. We're all doing bathroom play. Thank you. No, I think we all still imagine things. We're like, what if this scenario, I don't know about you, but sometimes I drive and listen to a song. I'm like, I am at the end of an indie film and I am driving and this is my moment and the camera is right here and I'm just driving. Sometimes I'll get hold of you just coming down and they're not because of my life. No. They're because of your inner life, my, the indie film, this is the last stop where the camera's right at me. Well, to your point, I remember being in the car as a kid and getting a fight with one of my parents in the car.
and like tear streaming down my face and looking out the window, and like the images are blaring, and then looking at myself in the side of queer, and I was like staring at like the crowd. [singing] I got a mute like her. And you were just like, and I'm like, I'm proud of this. Yeah, you're like, and you turn around and you're like, and then you catch your parents eye in the freaking mirror, and you're like, don't look at me. Why? Stop, stop. Nothing. Can we stop her? Don't. Oh, I'm fine. Yeah, fine. Leave me alone. Yeah. What are you listening to? Nothing just the same song on repeat, because I have to get the music video right in the head. I'm thinking about math. Yeah, exactly. To a guy. I relate to this so hard. You do. Yes. Everything is that man, and then speaking of Boston, I would go in, like I was in some community theater, and more a tie, who owned tie casting, she after performance came up to me and my parents and was like, would she be interested in coming into commercials? And I was like, absolutely, she would. What time do you need me? Absolutely. And then my dad was like, and I am as well free to audition. He really wanted to. Wow. Did you guys have an audition in the book? Yeah. And in his, I remember in his 70s, I'm now in L.A., and he calls me and he's like, I was scouted for a commercial, and they said I'd be perfect for Walmart. They said I have Walmart face. I'm really dead. That thing was like, they're asking for $8,000. I was like, 'cause you know headshots are expensive. And I was like, run. No, no. But yeah, so I started going to audition for commercials, which I was like thrilled about. Of course. And like, it never worked out. Well, senior year, senior year, I got finally got an industrial, an anti-drug. Good, an anti-drug. That's really good. I remember the line was, are you stressed out? I don't believe you. Everyone gets stressed out. Were you the first thing in the commercial like giving someone drugs? No, I was saying like, we don't do that. It was like dare, but for like adults kind of teens. It was like a cool teen website. And it was like, I know you want to smoke, because we all get stressed out. We all get stressed out. But don't do that. But don't do it, right? Oh my god. I went to dare camp. Oh yeah. How much drug did you do? Oh, it was run by police officers. I was hiding the best time in my life. Wait, I'm not even kidding. The dare officer officer Dom was our dance DJ. Officer Dom. So he would, he would come. Jesus Christ. Officer Dom comes, he's like. Officer Dom was in the magic lecture. He's in jail actually right now. Okay, so I had a bunch of dare officers running this. I don't know what we did, but we, it was a normal camp. It was down the street from our house. I don't think it's a normal camp. And we always had the briefcase conversation. Remember they opened the briefcase and it's all different drugs. Oh yeah. We would act out scenes like if you got off our drugs. And I was like, here's my fucking chance. I don't want drugs. We're going to play out the scene. I don't know what was wrong with me. My whole time, that's, I mean, what's wrong with you is wrong with me. I was just like, we're talking this. Anyway, can we take that again? Amanda, give us more. And I'm like, give us a bit more. But my favorite was I was so into like Marilyn. Everyone wanted me to do Marilyn Monroe. Don't ask me why. Well, because you're in your drug scene. Yeah. I would be like, Miss Happy Birthday. So I equated that. Well, wait. I was like, there's one character. And that's her in the drug scenes. So I'm like, I don't want that. So you were like sexy hot girl. Yeah, that doesn't want to. I was like, 10. I was just like, hot, this is a weird world. I know. But I know their sisters were there. Keep going. Yeah. Exactly. Take that again. Want drugs. And you're Marilyn Monroe. And you don't want drugs. Let's take it off. Let's take it off. Let's take it off. Let's take it off. Let's take it off. Let's take it in. Let's do a little more improv. Take this wherever you want to take it. Yeah, take it off. You're in this time. You take the drugs. This time, take a little bit of cocaine and see how far where are we going? It's like, yeah. Okay, a helicopter. A helicopter is coming in. You're open to anything. Okay. Didn't get proven that dare cause more people to do drugs. Yeah. That's why it doesn't exist anymore. Yeah, more people did drugs. Does it exist? Man, I put my heart so into that company. Your performances were so good that people did drugs. They were so good. I'm sorry Amanda, it's actually your fault that the drug was got worse. You know what I think is hard is that every every camp I went to my older sisters were there. So they were just like, oh, that sucks. What are you doing? You're so lucky though, because I would do that. I was your older sisters being like, come on and then you got cooler. You did get cooler. For me, I didn't. And so I would do it. And I'd be like, that was awesome. And people would be like, we're going to sit over there. And you're like, okay, I'll meet I'm meet up with you in a little bit. Yeah, it would take me months to realize what was happening. Yeah, Amanda, you have no idea what it's like. Your sisters really feel I know they filter you. They also they tell you they don't like don't ever date this person, but they also filter you. My brother's 11 years older and he was like put your sunscreen on. Yeah, he was like an adult. Yeah, my brothers are 11 and eight years older than me. So they were like out of the house. Yeah. And that's what you wrote that you didn't have anyone to like bounce ideas off of to be like, wait, am I crazy or is mom crazy? Well, and we didn't talk about that stuff at all until my late 20s during the Astrangement was like, because then I realized that my brother hadn't spoken to him in 15 years. And it was like, and then he became a parent, well, a stepdad. Yeah. And then he was like, oh, really like, yeah, I dug in. Nobody I dug in. I got a shot. I got a shot of Selena. Selena legitimately, fucking wrote a book report on your, if you want that actually, yeah, I love to see it. And if you have any ideas for me more succinctly talking about the book, I would absolutely take it. Wait, I know we talked before. Yeah, you're killing it. I know you said like, it was hard for you to talk about the book, but like, you're killing it. I think, no, maybe it's because you're talking to other actors. No, hey, you're killing it. Hey, you're killing it. No, put that back. I'm done. No, no, hey, I want to put these on. Sorry, I'm so. Oh my god. I regret. No, it's not throwing it. I'm, I'm, wait, you have no idea. We fuck shit up. You do. What do you do? Oh, we do insane. We do. The last one we recorded, we were drinking wine. Can you do that next time? Yes. You want to come back and drink wine? That's our new bed. We drink wine every episode. Do you really? No, we did it for 8 a.m. I wish. It's so early. You guys start this so early. Thank you for being yourself there. Well, we're filming a ton of other stuff after this. We're filming it. We're filming it to do. Four podcasts episodes today. Your team's better appreciate you because you guys are fucking working and I'm in a gas. You're killing it. That they don't have to do much. Thank you. Yeah. When you really did a lot here. You're really busy and you're just doing everything yourself. But also, like, I don't know. You just kind of get used to the love of it. But also, like, we're coming in. We're improvising. We're like being personality words. Like, when you, when you were going through this stuff with your dad, you were writing a show. You were going in. You were, you were tired. Where are you filming? Also. We were filming and it was, when my dad got sick. It was the end of the writer's room for pen 15. We were in pre-production and we had insisted. It's our fault on show running everything. You know, and so we really didn't have a break because we're going from editing to promoting it. Yeah. We found Jimmy Kimmel. Whoever is of Jimmy. What ever Jimmy's there. And then going into the writer's room, not enough time. No one has enough time. And then we're like about to go into, yeah, we're about, we're going to pre-production. And then he told me that he was sick. And we had mended things at that point a little bit and then ended up going to see him in Florida that weekend. And then it was, yeah. Yeah. And then cockroach city. How crazy is that? I mean, I mean, living in LA. Sorry to say, but half the places in LA are covered in cockroaches. I mean, and I was just like, who knew that cockroach eggs look like these small, perfect little beads. And there were, there was a lamp of my dad. He was OCD clean. He was at the hospital. He stayed overnight in Alex and I, after just getting off the plane, ending up at the hospital, Alex and my partner got home and he sees these two little, I see two beads on a lamp, the edge of this white lamp. And I was like, that's a weird place for two beads. Oh, and I was like, are those beads? And I was like, yeah, they're beads. Why are you saying why are they beads? And we both started panic and we realized, yeah, they were cockroach eggs. That freaked that for me. We put the, yeah. We put the compost disposal. You really, I'm like, so honored. Oh, yeah, I went in deep. I've not had many cockroaches. Actually, sorry, I'm lying. I've had multiple. Oh, wow. Okay. So you say, you surprised me. And I was 13. They're cockroaches all the way up there. And my dad said, oh, get the cockroaches. You're back. No, I forgot. You have the time out. I was going to say here living in LA for all that I've lived here. I've not had many cockroach experiences, but I've had two distinct ones. One I was living in a house in East Hollywood, this old, like, 100-year-old house. Of course.
Where they live. - And there was a cockroach. - They party there. - I was in the back attached to the garage house. - Cute. - So I would see cockroaches all the time, just on the driveway, in between my- - Fucking so gross. - My sliding glass for my bedroom to the house, and so I would just see cockroaches, and I was like, all right, I hope they don't come into my room. And then there was one time where there was one in the bathroom, and I think I saw it go down the drain, and I was like, - Yeah, they love it. - Like the drain. - And I was like, all right, it's down there, so I can't, I don't know what to do about that. And then my roommate, my roommate, I hear my roommate, and maybe my fault for not doing something about it. But I was like, what do I do, it's gone. And then my roommate, her later, which was like, "Oh my God, it's like come out of the drain." - No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. - Sorry, I should have told you that he's there. And then, - Dude. - Years later. - This is a few years ago. - Do you kill it? Did she kill it? - I think she killed it. - You just put it back down the drain. - Did you just put it back down? - Go back, go back, go back, go back to Shane. - Pop, pop. - But after that, years later, I'm living with my now wife, Courtney, and we were actually, - Okay, okay, all right. - She's us on the channel. - Yeah. - Okay. - Worked together for a long time. - Oh my God. - It's crazy, we have to split the whole thing. - It's like you didn't do it like a televised marriage. - No, we could still do it. - Okay, you were so reality showin', I love it. - Fun facts, Lorette, vise or bachelor. - Yeah, you could do the wedding here. - No, we didn't tell anybody, - We actually didn't tell anybody. - And we posted on April 6th. - The fans had no idea. - It's our problem. - Did you know? - Yeah. - No, we just, she didn't know. - Yes I did. - We lived on a fifth story apartment and never had bugs. No bugs, ever, and we have two cats. And just never saw bugs. And then one day, I see our cat kinda like. - Oh, no, no. - Doing some stuff, and I was like, - No, no, no, no. - She was looking at. - And I go over and we had a cardboard box filled with records next to a record player. And I look over and massive cockroaches. - I am just chilling there. - You hate that? - And I was like them. I hate that. - I was struggling over some bugs. - And then also there's a big ol' cockroach in there. - Okay, you said this and now you just said this. What is happening? - It's like, it was like this being a bug. - It was a bug. - This, sorry. - Cockroaches are huge. - This big. - That means it's a hundred years old and it's been in your house since the 70s. - Well, they can squeeze down to like, the size of a black nickel. - They lived just six years old. (laughing) - I'm so grossed out. - Why didn't I bring this out? - They were like turtles. - No, no, no, no, no, no. - No, so, of course, now it starts crawling around really fast and our cats aren't taking care of business like they should. They're just kind of like hitting it and it's kind of whatever. I'm proud of this because I don't like to kill things. I grab our vacuum, our Dyson. - What the hell? - High technology. - This is so much worse. - I suck it up into it and I see it inside the canister crawling around. - And it's going like, no. - It's going where am I? - It's like, what? - I take it to our trash suit. No, I gave this thing a great life. 'Cause I open up our trash suit. I like open it up and it flies and I watch it fly down. - Do I have other persons? - No. - To the trash. - And I was like, I sent it. - Where's the trash suit going? - It goes down to the dumpster. - Oh, one is home. - What is this? - The 50s? - It goes down. - It's so cool. - The trash suit goes down to the dumpster. - I've never had a trash suit go directly to a dumpster. - It's real. - What do you think trash suits go? - What do you mean? - The dumpster? - Yes. - Who has a trash suit? - What about a laundry suit? - This isn't a laundry suit. - No, no. - Horror movies are made. - I leave my apartment to the hallway of the apartment complex where there's a trash suit room. - This is shocking. - And you open up a thing and you open it and I open up the vacuum and it flies down into a dumpster down in the parking garage and I sent it to Cockroach Heaven. - No. - That's a dumpster. - That's a one-up house. - She said, you can put the suit in my apartment. - Well. - Cockroach just landed and she went, oh hello little friend and now they're having tea together. - So that doesn't gross you out, but me talking about the Cockroach earlier grosses you out. - Yes, because you said this and then you said this. Maybe that's real and once a fantasy. - Okay. - The fantasy cockroach. - As a top hat, I can handle that. - Anyways. - Speaking of, actually, can I just tell another Cockroach story? - Yeah. - Please. - Hey, thank you. So the night before we found the beads, so this is part of Alex's horror of seeing the beads. He had just caught an Alex's from Malibu. So I was a little bit. - Whoa. - What the hell is that? - I was just like. - And he surfs away. - Whoa. - She was. - That's all I felt. - Brothers? - Very. He's not like, you know, but he grew up in Malibu around like, yeah, I'm like, have you seen Cockroach? - He's like, no, dolphins. Yes. - Cockroaches, yes. - Cockroaches, yes. - Cockroaches. - Cockroaches. I only know Nobu. - Cockroaches. - I know Nobu. - Nobu. - Nobu. - Your honor is Rockstar from the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. - Sand and Ben Surfers and Baves. - No, no, bro. - Baves. Cockroaches. - I know that cocked. - Whoa. - Whoa. - And now. - And now. - Shoo. - And now. - And now. - And now. - And now. - That's your part. - That's your part. - That's no. - We had determined. - It's a good stamp shot. So yeah, he from Malibu, he was like, cocked and stuff. And so I was like, okay, so you're coming down outside of Tampa, it's a little, you know, it's rough around the edges. - Yeah. - There we go. And we were, so first we saw a couple of really baby tiny cockroaches in the top. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. - Yeah. - Sorry. But you have to hear this. - No, I do. - And then at night we turned the light off and he had his computer on in bed. - Oh. - And we heard something fall. - No. - Oh. - He was like, he was like, he was like, he turned and he was like, it's kind of cute. - They're kind of, kind of cute. - Oh yeah, kind of cute. - Yeah, kind of cute. - But then he told me a story of his friend in college and then I'll wrap up the cockroach stuff, sleep in with his mouth open. - What are you saying? - That's tough. - That's tough. - Tell you. - I'm gonna take his mouth while he was sleeping. - And that sucks, but luckily he'll swallow seven spiders throughout the year and they'll take care of it. - I'm gonna take my mouth shut tonight. - I know, it's really scary. - I'm gonna be like full taper on my mouth and just, that's how I'm gonna sleep tonight. - And then when the cockroach lands on your case, it's grim. - And he just goes, yeah, I'm going to, that's better. - It's his top hat on. - Yeah, his is top hat on and that's how I can handle it. - And he has a cane. That means he's all these aren't doing super well, but he likes to have it. - You can handle that. - You have the most stereotypical like phobias because it's this in rats. - Oh, you don't like rats? - And rats, I have zero problem with. - What about ratatouille? - She said she had a hard time watching it. - I don't want to see a rat near food. Why would I want a rat cooking my food? I don't care. - Yeah. - No, it's a problem. - He's so sweet. - He's so sweet. - He's so sweet. - Fine. - I had a hamster. - Me too. Gimme pigs. - Okay, did your hamster ever get loose and go through the walls of your house? - Absolutely did. - Oh my God. - Chucky. - Twinkle. - Okay. - Chewed through the plastic cage. - Yes. Got out was lost for three weeks and I was like Twinkle and he was through the house the whole time and when he decided to come out, my older sister and her cool last friend, they were in like dying their hair, phase, like listening to like metal and they were out by the toaster and frickin Twinkle comes out, scurries on her bear-ass foot. - Oh, okay. I thought you were going to say got toasted. - No, no. - No. - Samsters have a way of dying in crazy ways. - Well, no. - Like mine. - No. - I'm so sorry. - He just got sick. - And that was fine. - Oh, okay. - No, it was fine. And I was like, oh my God, Twinkle and the friend was mortified. - Oh my. Because it was just on. - It was just on her, but they're cute. My hamster got out many, many times, but this time, I woke up to my mom screaming downstairs, crying and screaming. - Oh, no, no. - And then I just remember going halfway down the stairs and going, "Mom, I can't believe this isn't in the book." And she was trying to get the hamster away from my cat. - Oh. - Which she didn't. - She didn't. - It was really sad. - She didn't. - And she went to sleep crying and I remember going to sleep going like, "It's okay, Mommy." You're taking care of her. - It's tough. - Yeah. That was really sad. - Wait, the cat got chucky. - Yeah, Mo, Mohamed Minnig, Twiukonkel, got chucky. - Yeah, as they do. - Yeah, it was not as they do. - Well, cats are. - Well, cats are. - That's why I was like, "Oh, it was toasted." - Yeah, right. - You were like, "Whoa, no, it just had a party on my sister's friends." And I was like, "Oh, weird." - Oh, that's so weird. - Oh, that's so stupid. - It's so weird. - It's not your husband's. - Oh, that's really hard. - It's just flashing to letting my hamster crawl out my sleeve. - Uh-huh. - Did you ever do that? - Uh-huh. - Oh, yeah. Am I almost like any memories of that? - No, I never had hamsters. And I'll be at the pet store sometimes, and I'll look at the hamsters and guinea pigs. I'm like, "So sweet." I'm like, "You can't." - I can't. I don't want to see my cats become the demons that I know they are. I'm like, pretending that they're sweet. - Well, they sound a little soft with the cockroach stuff. - Some sort of bugs they've disappointed me. We had to bring mantis once, and I-- - Ah! - It was in our bathroom. - They're sweet. - They're sweet. They want them to-- - Big old praying mantis. - Wait, they're lucky. - Yeah, they're lucky, but I was like, "It's what are you going to do about it?" - 'Cause they killed men. The women-- - Yeah. - Women praying mantis killed the man. - Yes. - And so you're like, "Get rid of that." - But I like to throw my cat in the bathroom, shut the door. I'm like, "Take care of business." And then I open it up to seeing the-- the praying mantis was on a hairspray bottle. My cat was on the set, and they're trading jabs. Like, truly like trading jabs at one another.
- They were having fun. - Or communicating. Your cat was like, don't use me. - I also love this idea of like, you don't like to kill things. - I don't. - I do whatever I can. - But then there's like a beautiful praying mantis. - Well, yes, it's a beautiful praying mantis. - Right? - Yeah, I were like, go. - That thing was huge and it was in our bathroom and was like, I have, like-- - But do we not feel like you're like the karate kid? - I love praying mantis. - When I see them outside, I love them, but that thing actually did scare me 'cause I at one point opened up the bathroom and it was on one of the light bulbs. - Smoking cigarettes. - Yeah, smoking a six. - Jane. - That's about your childhood. - No, look at you. Most bugs don't look at you, but that thing literally, like, I open up, I see it silhouette and I see it just like this. And I was like, you're freaky as hell. I gotta do some about this. - See, if I saw that I would've been like, oh my god, it's a sign. What is going on in the universe that I need to listen to? - Oh, but cockroaches. - This is sacred signs. - But cockroaches can't bring you signs. - They don't bring me signs. - Cockroaches can bring you signs. - No. - Like cockroaches live for 60 years. - They're like in the mummy when they open the book and it's like, do not read from the book. That's what a cockroach feels like. When the locus come and the devil, have you watched the mummy recently? - Completely different, completely different. - One of my favorite movies. Anyways, do you think Brendan Fraser's hot? - Yeah. - Okay. - Anyways. - I like Anna. - Do you? I do. - Okay, but at times, no. - Growing up. Growing up hot. Are you kidding me? - Hot, hot, hot. - I love him now. - It was on and off of him, so to speak. - Okay. - You're talking about this like it's dear. - Which I chose the different times. - Yeah, on and off. No, we know. I got it. Yeah, yeah, mentally, mentally, mentally. You were on and off of Brendan Fraser. Totally. I got it. - Yeah, yeah, okay. - Yeah, no, we got it. That's really all. - Yeah, good, good, good, yeah. I would have loved to have been on for a while and then there was an off point and I was like, I'm off, you know? And then I came back on. Came back on. - Okay, so we have another segment that we are going to do. - Oh, I was gonna. (laughing) - Oh, yeah. - Selena wrote down some questions and I feel like. - To end, to end. - Send the poll. - I feel like I could talk to you for days. - We have five minutes, so. - Okay. - Okay. - Okay. - Oh, well. - Right. Okay, so since you shared. - I feel like we talked about. - Should we read one? - Someone said, I clicked on the wrong contact on Google chat and sent a cutesy message intended for my then girlfriend to a former high school classmate who I was not close with and had not spoken to in several years. After realizing my mistake, I quickly blocked him and haven't spoken to him since. Ooh. - This reminds me of Reddit, they wrote it like Reddit. That's like a way out. - They used to stay for me. - Someone said, I peed myself at my high school grad night in six flags. My friend is really scared of rollercoaster, so we wrote a kitty ride and when we were on it, she was screaming since she thought there would be a big drop, LOL. I was laughing really hard that I peed and then we got off the ride. My friend was laughing at me and took a pic of my wet pants and made it her lock screen. My friends will never let me live it down. - Okay. - I don't get those are friends. - Also Wednesday. - This is actually reminding me of one moment that I had that was so embarrassing. I hated it. It was like sixth grade. I was like coming into myself, like getting taller, like getting some boobs. So I was feeling a little bit like insecure and I'll never forget this. We were all in class. This is awful. Our chairs are like, we pushed our chairs lined up. We're watching the teacher and I'm in the front row. And my legs were really long as they are right now. - Okay. - Okay. - Okay. - This is not a cute story. So I don't know why I decided it would be so fun to see if this foot could go around this foot and hook on the other side. - Like this? - Yeah. - Exactly. But it wasn't happening for me. So I was bending over and trying to hook this one around this foot. I was like, do people know what you were doing? This was just a private moment. - This was, I'm from the front row. So people were probably watching me. - This could be an episode of Penn. - Yeah. - Just that. - No, exactly. It's via watch Penn. - Oh really? - Exactly. So they're doing the whole thing. Students are watching the teacher and I'm just like, bent over. Just fully trying to put this foot behind this foot and I'm like fully bent over. And I'm just like doing that and then I did the loudest fart. (laughing) - You unlocked something. - Oh. (laughing) - And it wasn't like, uh-oh, it's coming. I should probably, I hope it says-- - It was there. - When it scared you? - Bop. (laughing) - And this is what's awful. And this is something that I have to really look at. - Okay. - Personally about myself is I go immediately. I go into survival mode and I just go. (laughing) That is quintessential middle school. - Yeah, I turn around and I go, who did that? - You have to guess like everybody around you. - You find the one who pops, the boy in your class who looks the stinkiest. - No. - Probably isn't and he's actually the sweetest and he definitely didn't fart but I straight up went. (laughing) - You just go. - I went it right to him. - Of course you did. - And I wish I could find him to stay and apologize. I won't say his name. - Did you convince a lot of people? - Everybody thought it was him. - No way. - And he looked at me like, I didn't fart. - I did not. - And he knew that I was lying to cover up my-- - You think? - You crucible to-- - You know what I don't know. - You think he knew? I bet he didn't know. - I can say that with confidence. - Because I was the blame to fart person. - Wow. - So in a way, we can move forward. - So in a way I did it to you. - Well in a way and we could do some processing to move forward on both our ends. Ouch. Yeah, my friend Corey did that to me at a Girl Scout camp. It was silent and we were doing luminate and she farted. But you can't make that face when you do that. - That must have been so hard for your life. - I'm sure-- - You received it and you pass it on. - Yeah. - Kind of like the ring. - Yeah, you laid it through the heart. - Well, you know what, to that boy, I'm very sorry because even though you looked the most stinkiest, you were the sweetest person. And you probably weren't even stinky. - No, the stinkiest, sweetest, end up being the best adult. - The best, the best person. It's me who's the nightmare. And I have to face that. But it sounds like I faced it with you. - Yeah, and I faced it with you. And now you have a podcast. - And a lot of other great shit going on. - And this means the miss, wow, just. We've all been this person and done this to someone. We've all done it in one way or another. - Man. - Am I right? - I would have been so much cooler if I didn't remember. - Oh, he can't remember anything. Okay, I have a mission now. I'm going to like dig into Shane's memories and see what I find. - Next step on our podcast episode. - I've told, I have told childhood memories on this show. I have. - God be more. - I wear out of time so I can't tell mine. - It was such an absolute honor. I felt like I was the only one in my whole life. - Same, you want to hang out? - Yeah. - Okay. - I do. - You remind me of a friend also that you'd really like. - Who's stinky? - You know what? And I'll take it. I'll take it, we're going to pass it on. I'm the stinky one now. I'm stinky and I'm a man and I'm proud of it. - And I'm stinky too. I'm Anna. - Yeah. - And I'm not stinky. I'm glad to be here with you guys. - One day, you'll find out what a stinkiness is. - Yeah, you'll know what it is. It's real life. We're touching the truth here. - And let's just do this to go out. - So easy. - I just sh-sh-sh-sh-sh. - You sh-sh-sh-sh-sh-sh-sh-sh. - You're sh-sh-sh-sh-sh-sh-sh. - Really into it. - Sh-sh-sh-sh. - I'm like, we don't even promote the book after that. We're just like done. Get out of here. - We do a slam cut at it. Just like boom. - For the sound. - For the sound. - Okay guys. - Hannah Cunkel, your book, The Same One, it comes out tomorrow. - Oh, it comes out May 5th. - May 5th. - Oh, tomorrow. - So this is airing May 4th. (laughing) - Media, savvy. - No, honey, you're good. Tomorrow, guys, and your audio book that you recorded, your own voice, I watched clips of you on your Instagram. It sounded amazing. That also comes out tomorrow as well. Maybe. - Tomorrow. - Yeah, thank you. May 5th. - So get the same one. Book or audio, it is amazing. - So good. Thank you for having me. - Thanks for being here. - Yes, this was awesome. - This was awesome. - This was amazing. - Thank you. - All right. - Bye. - Bye.
Podcast Summary
Key Points:
Anna Conkel’s memoir *The Same One* explores the complex, transformative, and painful reevaluation of her relationship with her father, who was both a beloved childhood figure and a source of estrangement.
The book uses a non-linear narrative structure, moving backward through time to reveal how past memories and emotional experiences shaped her identity and current relationships.
A central theme is the difficulty of reconciling idealized childhood memories of parents with the reality of their flaws, especially when those relationships later break down and evolve.
Anna emphasizes the emotional power of honest, vulnerable conversations with her father, including letters written during therapy that led to a healing connection and mutual accountability.
The memoir highlights how parents are often not static figures—changes in perspective, especially in later life, allow for deeper understanding and emotional growth.
Anna reflects on societal expectations around parent-child relationships, noting how the desire for forgiveness and communication often stems from a need to reclaim one’s own identity.
The book blends humor and darkness, capturing the absurdity and emotional depth of family dynamics, especially during moments of crisis or conflict.
A key takeaway is that healing doesn’t require perfect change in the past, but rather authenticity in the present—accepting one’s own growth and the imperfections of relationships.
Summary:
Anna Conkel’s memoir *The Same One* offers a deeply personal and emotionally resonant exploration of her complex relationship with her father, who served as both a nurturing childhood figure and a source of long-standing estrangement. The narrative unfolds non-linearly, allowing readers to trace the evolution of their bond from a close, idealized childhood connection to a painful, distant separation, and ultimately to reconciliation. Anna emphasizes how her memories of her father—shaped by his sharp sense of humor, emotional volatility, and difficult confrontations—have profoundly influenced her identity and self-perception.
The book highlights the therapeutic power of honest communication, especially through letters written during therapy, which led to a meaningful, though imperfect, reconnection. Anna also reflects on how societal expectations around family relationships often lead to guilt, avoidance, or "no contact," but she argues that true healing comes not from erasing the past, but from confronting it with honesty and self-awareness. Her work challenges the idea that parents are fixed or unchangeable, showing how personal growth and evolving perspectives allow for deeper understanding.
The memoir is both raw and humorous, capturing the dark comedy of family dysfunction while offering a poignant message about the necessity of self-acceptance and emotional authenticity in repairing relationships. It resonates with readers who have struggled with parental figures, illustrating that healing is not about perfection, but about courageously showing up as one’s true self.
FAQs
The memoir explores the complex, evolving relationship between Anna and her father, focusing on themes of estrangement, forgiveness, identity, and the painful yet transformative process of redefining family dynamics after years of emotional distance.
Anna portrays a deeply complicated relationship where her father was both a childhood hero and a source of emotional conflict. Their bond shifted dramatically over time, from close and warm in early life to estrangement, with a powerful return to connection in later years.
Anna writes multiple letters to her father over years of therapy, using them as a tool to process her emotions and assert her needs. The letters help her gain emotional clarity and, ultimately, receive a response that reflects genuine remorse and understanding.
Yes, Anna and her father eventually reconciled, though it was not a smooth process. The reconciliation was deeply emotional and rooted in honest conversations, with Anna gaining the courage to speak openly about her discomfort and needs.
Her father's death was a profound emotional turning point. It allowed Anna to reflect on their relationship and process years of unresolved feelings, leading to a deeper understanding of both her father and herself.
She means that people often grow up with idealized or scripted versions of their parents, but growing up reveals these are not always true. The book shows how confronting these false narratives leads to personal growth and authenticity.
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