#137 - These Sketches Are Absolutely MENTAL (that's British for crazy)

Hey guys, welcome to Smosh Mountain. I'm Shane and I am Amanda, Leigh-Han Cantal. Whoa the full, full three. Hey, well the full. And we have two very special guests for us today, Chance and Arashah. Hello. Hey, yeah, yeah. We got four people today. I feel like we swapped the way we would usually say hello. Yeah, but mine was like not off pitch. Oh, we're turning off like that. I'm touching straight. God, he burned you so hard. Okay, that's fine. He's in one of those moods. Like that I said, it burned you so hard. It burned you so hard. You burned me. We are still in our temporary studio, hundreds of feet below the Earth's crust. Yes, we had to go through a tunnel maze to get here. Yeah, well those little mine carts. Oh my God. And they made me kind of sick. Yeah, I do. Yeah, I do. What is the mine cart from mine carts? No, you know, that game where you were like, is that club penguin Mario Party? You have some of them here in a potter. Yeah, there's one in club penguin, though too, right? Maybe I never played club penguin. Donkey Kong's got some mine carts in it. The Hobbit. Yeah, yeah, the Hobbit. Is that true? And then Indian, Indiana Jones, then don't the dwarves like get in a fucking mine cart. That's so fucked up. Some thumbs up. There's lots of mine carts. Do other things than mine? Either way, you guys got their main thing. That is like the main thing that they live in the mountain. Mine the mountain. Either way, we got two of them in here. That is what's the show that came out about the dwarves? I watched trolls. Why am I talking about? Oh my God. The Lord of the Rings show that came out. Oh, rings of power. Rings of power. Yeah, it's got dwarves in there. I know, but they don't. And they are in mines in there too. They don't have mine carts in there. I think I've ever seen that show. Oh, it's okay. I liked rings of power at Louisville. Yeah, but the Lord of the Rings has watched it. I haven't read Lord of the Rings, so I don't know. People, we talked about this last week, but people who read the books and then a show or movie comes out about a book and people are always mad. But I've heard rings of power is like very loosely based. It's pre. It's pre-Lord of the Rings. It's the making of the ring. It's the making of the rings. Simmerillion? Yeah. Simmerillion or whatever. Saddle on. Anyway. This is gonna be crazy. This is the same thing as Percy, right? Oh my God. All right. All right. Hey, never mind. Get his name out of your mouth. All right. Listen, and that's why I didn't go with the full name. Two separate beloved franchises. They're very, very different. One is Greek myth and one is. James is wearing a Lord of the Rings shirt right now. You shall not pass the famous scene. James is literally always wearing a shirt. You've not watched Lord of the Rings. No, he wears different iterations. This is gonna be the craziest episode you guys have ever seen. You're already on. We're already on each other. We're reading rejected. We're burning each other. I heard someone like a teenager in line the other day go, what were you in line for? All right. He hates you right now. I heard the teenager goes. He's chopped Jenkins. He's low-key chug. What? Did you ask him what that means? No. Okay, we know chock. You can bring this down. What a chock. I don't know what chock is. Chopt is like like old. Like like you're out. I thought chopt was ugly because it's own if you're own. It's your own. Yeah. Yeah. Chopt is ugly. Okay, explain the rest. Jenkins. I have no idea. I think Jenkins comes from Uncle. So it's like Uncle Jenkins. Uncle Jenkins. I'm going to decide that. I'm going to use low-key chud. What the hell is chud? Chud's just kind of like, yeah, you're a loser. Guys, put in the comments what chud means. It's not sounding low-key. People have started to misuse low-key. That sounds very the opposite of low-key. Like a comet could hit earth and people be like, this is low-key bad. No, it's not. It's not low-key bad. It's pretty bad. You're so right. People have like, like, low-key started off in a good place where it's like, oh, yeah, it's like, oh, we're not all picking up how this is being read. It's like literally now. Yeah. Literally. I'm literally going to leave it. I'm low-key going to leave it. Some phrases are some of the ones. Do people still use cinema? Oh, cinema? Yeah. That's what Martin Scorsese, my favorite is a aura. I think aura farming is fucking awesome. That's such a perfect phrase for situations. I don't think I have that. So, you know, when someone's like vibing, like, say you're at a party and someone's in the corner just looking really cool, like maybe they have a suggestion. You know how I am when you see me like in social situations? Yeah, I definitely. Yeah. That's not confusing. That's just like a lot of people chatting with you though. Yeah, they're intimidated. Oh, yeah, yeah. I'm sucking up all that. If you're not 'cause he's going to burn people. If you're not actually doing something but you're looking really cool, it's aura farming because you're just like, oh, you're just there just like you're gaining like points. I thought you were like searching for the auras. No, like you think actively farming. No, he's farming his. I'm saying that chances like farming his auras, which makes me think, do you do that on purpose so people comment on it? No, it's if you're aura farming on purpose, I've been like, uh, then then that's not a good aura. Yeah. Oh, we're only a few minutes into this episode and some of the comments are going to rip us to shred. Oh, yeah. Oh, I'm trying to, I'm trying to show respect. I'm saying, hey, some of these phrases I think are killer. Chad doesn't feel like a good. No, it's an incident. I'm self-explanatory. Chad is just like, yeah, your chug. Chad sounds like chowed to me. I think that's where it derived from. Yeah, that's its origins. Cool. So Chad is chowed. We just had it. Chop Jenkins. Chad got it. So today, Rasha, you are Gen Z. So like, there's no excuse. No, that's why I know all these. I don't think you're Gen Z or former. I don't think you're Gen Z, babe. Um, if I was born in 2001, that doesn't make me Gen Z. I think you need to pull out a text book. So today we're doing rejected sketches. We need to pull out a text book 2001. Yeah. Pull out Amanda. Don't even question it. I will forever question it. I'm basically Cole's age. Okay, let's go ahead. We're going to school together. Yeah. So today, we're reading some we wrote a bunch of sketches or we we pulled sketches from our past. Okay. Yeah. You're calling this rejected sketches, but as we've come to find out, some went hard. Hopefully, but they might end up being chopped. Yeah. There could be some chud sketches in here. We're not totally sure. No. I actually see. I feel like you for some reason have gotten a pass. When you started saying six, seven, everyone was like, it's okay if she says it. Because it's like when you're teachers, everybody else, like you're not saying no comments for like Amanda. Stop it now. I didn't see those comments. People were like, no, this is funny. Okay. We were also all several months behind. I was saying it in such like a I know this is dumb, right? Yeah. I was away. Yeah. I was away doing that thing. It's fine. Look, I, I, I think we're about to see it come up. I think Millennial stock was down for a while. Really bad. Yeah, it's coming up. I think Millennial futures are looking pretty. I've seen a lot of Millennial appreciation. I think it's coming back. Really? You guys legalized gay marriage. Thank you. You got out of a housing crisis. Also to be clear, you elected Obama twice to be clear, our fringy phase is just not as well documented. Aren't, yeah, we had some bad shit. Sure. We don't get to pass and be like, you guys are awful. We weren't. Definitely. I think there's a good mix of everything, right? I think a lot of Millennials have been like, oh, I was fucked up. And now I can see that I'm not fucked up. I think it's the whole fringe. I think it's the cringe thing. It's just like, yeah, we did wear wide brim hats and dance around fireplace going like a lot and like fake glasses and yeah, there was a time. Oh, those were bad. Fake glasses. I had some. Can I be honest? We can we can make fun of chud and all that stuff. There was a time where I was at Disneyland. No, no. And we were we got off California screaming and we're looking at the like photos of like when you're on the roller coaster and a kid and for a guy my age at the time in front of me, their photo comes up and goes, oh nice, yolo. And I remember being like that doesn't make sense. I hated the praise at the time, but I was like, no, you can't. No, look at a photo of yourself on a roller coaster. You just rode and go, you'll look once. That doesn't work. That's supposed to be before you go on the roller coaster. You know, you know what? I'm scared to go on the roller coaster. Yolo. Sure. But he did it wrong. Was he millennial? Yeah, we were this is this is 2000. This is many. This is many a year ago. He could have. He could have. This is this is still in Yolo's heyday. Like the Drake song had not been out that long. Right. So. Do I still get a massage in a place called Yolo? I do. Should we be these rejected sketches? Alright, so. Yolo massage is you. Yes, because I only live once and I need to get a massage once in a while. Okay. Okay. And I offered I said, Mom, I want to get you a massage when you're here. She's like, great. I'm like, you're going to go to Yolo and she's like, great. She's like, you kind of warned me. They were going to beat the shit. And then you come and you you go back and they're like, Oh, they're they're closed for renovations. And it's now changed to Chud Jenkins. Chock massage. This episode of Smoshmouth is sponsored by Rocket Money. I was going through my banking statements and this is really embarrassing, but I was paying for a subscription for months. And I completely forgot to cancel it. Oh, yeah. That is embarrassing. What? No, you're supposed to say no, don't worry about it. That's not even that embarrassing. It's okay. You know what I'm actually going to say? You should be using Rocket Money. Rocket Money is a personal finance app that helps find and cancel your unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending, and helps lower your bills so you can grow your savings. Rocket Money has a clear dashboard and you can track all your subscriptions. and then with a few taps, it has the ability to cancel so you can start saving. I've been using Rocky Money for years and it gives me real-time alerts on anything, of upcoming bills, of things I might be missing. I am, I got everything in the know. Nothing slips by me now, thanks to Rocket Money. - Wow. - Yeah. - You're getting like a clear financial picture. I really need that. - Let Rocket Money help you reach your financial goals faster. Join at rocketmoney.com/smoshmouth. That's rocketmoney.com/smoshmouth. - Rocket Money.com/smoshmouth. Back to the show. - Let's go. - All right. - All right. - Another of our dumbass millennial humors. - Enough of this. - Who wants to go first with their rejected sketches? - Me. - Yay. - Oh, Chase. - Me. - Okay, what's it about? - Me. - What is the Four Seasons, baby? - Yeah. - Speaking of Four Seasons, this sketch is called Four. - Oh. - It, I went back through my sketch packets and this one was one that I wrote in college. - Oh, yeah, this has been scanned. - Oh, this is. - And it's rough. - Yeah, I mean, no, I'm sure it's great. - Okay. - I don't think I laughed a single time when I read it. - I'm dead. - So this is vulnerable. So this is vulnerable because I was trying to make it fun. - Yeah, and actually incredibly bold and brave of you to also volunteer to go first with it. - Yeah, because the other ones are like so funny that you're gonna be like peeing your hands on shit. - Oh, okay. - That's so wide. - I'm sure. - So you were okay. - Okay, so cast it. - This one, I'm trying to make it funny. - And this is like, how long had you been getting into comedy at this stage? - I think I was a sophomore in college. - Okay. - So I mean, I started improv in like middle school but like. - Oh my. - Like the womb. - And sketch writing in, like let's say five years. - Okay. - It's too long to be dishing out this. - That's your young. - Okay, you're in college. We're reading it as chance is trying to be funny. - Yeah. - So who's cast? - Got a few characters here. - So there's Danny, Maudi, Gabby. - You be Maudi. - Yes. - You be Gabby. - Yes. - You be Danny. - Got it. - And then I'll be a random student number one. - Oh. - Humble. - And I'll be gay student number two. And you be just like fill it in. There's a lot of random students. - Well, okay. - Okay. - And you're gonna do sketch. - There's gay number four and gay student number two. - A lot of. - Yeah, I don't think, I think one of my bits is that I will skip people. I'll be like, okay, so there's gay number two, skip, gay number three. There's a gay number four. Gay number three doesn't have any speaking lines. - Oh, I love it. So the casting is even a bit. - So it's great. - That's great. - That's great. - Do you want Stagie's red? Do you want to read those? Okay. - So we can play any gay student? - You specifically can only play random students. - Don't give that up. - And then we can play, Shane and Rosha can play any gay student. - Okay. - Okay. - Great. - I'll play random student, which doesn't feel similar to me. Let's start. - Let's go. - Okay. - Okay. - This is four interior lecture day hall. - Dozens of nervous students anxiously sit with laptops, notebooks, and writing utensils at the ready. Danny sitting in the front, leans over to Maudi and Gabby. - Wasn't this class supposed to start 15 minutes ago? - Yeah, but I'm not leaving. The wait list for this class was insane. - Apparently everyone who passes this class goes on to be insanely successful. The professor is a genius. - Whoa, really? But isn't this just intro to business? - It is. - The door opens up and everyone sucks in a breath as the room stills. The professor walks into the room holding a briefcase. He sets his briefcase on the desk and he removes his coat and hat delicately places them on the chair. He opens the briefcase and takes out a singular piece of chalk. He walks up to the dry erase board, holds up his chalk, and writes four. He stares at it for a moment. He nods. And without making eye contact with anyone in the room, he places the chalk back in the briefcase, dons his coat and hat, and walks out of the room. Beat, beat, someone coughs. Is that it? - He just walked in and wrote four. - Yeah, he just walked in, wrote four, then walked out. - Beat. - This must be a test. - How is this a test? It's just one number. - I don't know, that's for us to figure out. Maybe he'll come back. - He took his stuff with him, so I don't think he's coming back. - Maybe he had to go to the bathroom? - With all his stuff? - What could four mean? - What do you mean what it could mean? It's the number four, it is what it is, one, two, three, four. - Yeah, but maybe we need to look deeper. There are four years of college. Okay, and? - Maybe four is the time he's coming back. Wouldn't he have written four o'clock? - No, no, we need to look deeper, you guys. - There are four cardinal directions. Maybe we need to find him. - Okay, there's not enough direction to possibly even start to find him. We could split up. - And go where? - What about four of the Beyonce album? I'm gay. - That is the best one, I'm gay. - It is absolutely not how dare you. - Deeper you guys. - There are four gospels. - He looked Jewish. - Damn. - What if it's not a four, but an upside down H? - How would that make any more sense? H is in Harvard. - H is in Howie Mandel. - H is in head-on down to the catfish cabin where we fry him up real good. - No way. - I told you a little bit. - You don't provide school. - You guys, it's not an H, stop riffing on H. - For horsemen of the apocalypse, that's four and eight. - Oh my God, four H. - Maybe there is a four H exhibition nearby. Quick Google. - Hey Siri, find four H competitions near me. - What if it doesn't mean anything? - It has to mean something. - I found eight results for forehead wrinkled reductions. - Oh my God. - No, Siri, not four head, four H. - Four head, put your head on the four. - That's the key, it's gotta be. - She runs up full force and head puts my forehead hard. She falls back and it's the ground. He wouldn't. - End of sketch. (laughing) - How does that happen? - How does that happen? - I can have catfish cabin things. - No, that was crazy. - I literally didn't even read that part. - How does it end? How does it end there? - What does it mean? - No, and there's no period after he wouldn't either. It's just he wouldn't and chance to stop typing. - Oh wait, I have my character. What does it mean? - You have to pitch for how this could end. - Okay, let's hear it. - 'Cause if that ends, she hits the board and then Danny's like, what the hell? And then also one of the students takes off a mask and it's the professor and he's like. - It only took you four minutes. - And then like, that one's the answer. - To put your head on the floor. - That was the answer. - To put your head. - To kill her. (laughing) - Yeah. So there wasn't like a single joke really. I mean, there was, it's just kind of a dilemma. - It's just crazy. - It wasn't anything. - It's a mystery. - I think there's also so much humor that we could only tell by looking at the script 'cause I love that there were all these random students. And then at some point, we just have random woman with one line where she walked by the classroom and just jumped in. - And you gave her the catfish that and then. - I forgot that catfish cabin was in this. I didn't read it though, mostly. - That's crazy. - Yeah, I don't, I think as a sketch, there needs to be more jokes. But I think this reads almost like a scene in a sitcom. Like a sitcom about college students where they're like, yeah, this class is so hard to get into and then the teacher comes and writes four and leaves. That's really funny. - That's such a good point. - This feels like the setup of like, whoa, where at college, what's it gonna be like? - Yeah. - You're a sitcom writer. - 'Cause it also, I think it's pointing about how some professors are like, oh, they're the professor, they're so strong, and they're like so good. - So they're half-assing. - Totally. - So the setup is very strong. Like immediately I felt like I was visualizing it. I could see this professor coming down the stairs to this briefcase and knew what he looked like. Like we have something here. - Yeah. - The gay students. - I like that you specified like gay students because they're arguing about Beyonce. I don't know. (laughing) - I was also, if you're arguing about Beyonce, I think I was also straight at this time. - I was gonna say, I was straight at this time. - I was straight at this time. - I'm arguing about Beyonce. Me, the one arguing about Beyonce. - Yeah. - Wow. - All right, I enjoyed this. - What was the title of it? - Four. - Yeah, oh, right, it's right here. Yeah. - Great job. - Great job. - That was not rough. - The series joke. - I like this. - No. - No, it wasn't bad. - It was bad. - The series joke was cute. - Did you ever read this out loud back in the day? - I think I did with my sketch group ODB in college. - ODB. - Old dirty bastard. - But it was out de box. It was what it said for. - That's cute. - But in college or like any like early on sketch group, you're reading rough sketches all the time. - Oh yeah. - Like more often than that. - It was so interesting because, so there were two main sketch groups at Northwestern. One group was set up by second city alum, so it was like really legit. Like the writer process, the audition process, it was super legit. - Wow. - It was awesome. And it was like super like, if you got in this group, you couldn't be in, it counted as like the school curriculum show, so you couldn't be in an outside school curriculum show because you have rehearsals Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, six to 10. - So much. - You didn't have a social life at all. - That is your school. - I still did. - Oh yeah. - Did you go out after that? - No, then rehearsals for acapella or improv were 10, I'm getting my schedule exam. Six to 10 and 10 to 12 were improv and acapella for rehearsals. - And then you had eight a.m.s the next morning for class? - I did nine a.m. Spanish class. Monday, Wednesday, Friday, and then Tuesdays, I usually did an 11 o'clock class. - Oh my god. - Think about our schedules back in that day. - We were going home and we think we're busy now. - Yeah. - And then it was like full pack day and then afterwards, rehearsals, extracurriculars, eating dinner, doing homework. - Yeah. - Eating dinner was like top ramen and an Oreo. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, college. - Yeah. - Yeah, that's crazy. - The other group, this group that I wrote it for was like the black group, it was like the diverse group. And so it was less set up and less funded. And it was, honestly, I thought it was way far bigger than the other group. Like it was, we, the shit, people weren't designed to think a certain way. So the sketches they would write were just so out there and different and fun and not contrived, basically. - I love that. - It's like a real POV and thing. - Yeah, yeah. - Okay, pause. Do you guys remember this movie? You guys are like, what is that? I'm like, it's a DVD, grow up. Okay, so I wrote a musical about this movie, based on this movie. And it comes out April 5th and 6th at Dynasty Typewriter. You can live stream it anywhere in the world, April 6th at Dynasty.tv. Or watch live and person at Dynasty Typewriter in Los Angeles, the city of angels, the city of, love, ooh, hit some musical coming to you. - Before we move on, thinking of improv troops and sketch groups, I saw an ad for like a sketch show the other day, which you see all the time in LA. And I realized like improv face is such a real thing of like, there's every single show of like, oh, here's this, this improv or this sketch show. There's a white guy doing this. - Stop. - Why, every time I'm like, they know. - It's like that's the one, you will see it every time. - I know. - They're in a plaid shirt and they're going of this. - Oh, that's not just improv. - Literally that's Boston Improv. - It's all improv. - Why? - Improv Boston. - I have no problem with it. I'm just kind of fascinated of like, what is the correlation there? What does that happen every time? It's eyebrows up, mouth, tight, just like. - I don't mean. - That's not exclusive to improv. - That guy's literally everywhere. - I guess that's also just a very plaid. - That's also just a white guy face. - Yeah, yeah. - But it's very specific with. - Yeah, that's exactly how improv groups on the east coast are. (laughing) - That's what you did. - That's what you did. - So my sketch is, I wrote these stream of conscious. I did not reread them. - Oh, you want to go next? - I'm down to go next. - Yeah, I could, but no. I think you've got your sketches in hand. Let's do you. - Okay, I wrote two, and they are probably bad. - Great. - I don't remember. - Okay. - Let's read this one first, and then we'll go to reverse one. - No bad sketches. - This is a stream of conscious. - Thank you. - Conscious. - Oh, I shouldn't tell you the whole conscious. - Oh good, take one, pass it down. - So there's two characters in this mark in Joanne. - Great names. - Amanda, why don't you be Joanne and chance you can be Mark. - Great. - Always the understudy. - Do you want to read, do you want to read Stage? - Yeah, Stage is awesome. - I'll just hang out and be a viewer. - Stage is actually so. - I would love to. - Okay. - Yeah, that's great. - If there's spelling errors, just read them as is. - We'll call it as is. - Great, do not fix them. - Good job. - Do not fix them. And yeah, they are, I'll give you a little bit of a, this is a rock and roll marathon. - That's really hard for me because I'm like, really solution oriented. So I'm like, - We'll call it. - Too bad. (laughing) And these are both the announcers for the end of the marathon race, and they're talking about the finalists as they're running very upbeat in the great time. - Love it. - All right. Go ahead. - Exterior marathon finish line day. We hear Mark and Joanne announcing the winners of the Phoenix rock and roll marathon. - It's a bright sunny day here in Phoenix as the first finishers of the rock and roll marathon are just about around the corner. - These runners have been training day after day for months leading up to this point. Oh, and I see our first one now. - We see a road runner zipping down the road. - Oh, that actually appears to be a road runner. One of the native birds here in Arizona. Gorgeous creatures. - Well, I guess it won't count, but I'm sure impressed by the speed. He's taking gold in my eyes. - Same here, Joanne. Oh, and we have another runner coming around the corner. Oh, never mind, it's just a coyote. Another one of the beautiful animals native to this desert climate. - And it appears the coyote has a rocket strap to its back, propelling it forward at an immensely fast pace. - Not quite enough to catch up to the road runner, unfortunately, just out of reach. - Oh, and it looks like the coyote's rocket has malfunctioned, launching him off the road and right into a large bolter. - And it looks like the impact has turned him into some sort of accordion. - Oh, isn't nature wonderful? - It sure is, Joanne. And here comes our first official human runner. First place is theirs for the taking. - She's moving at an incredible pace. Number 31, Laurie Strode, ladies and gentlemen. She appears to be limping, but she's not giving up now. - You can see the adrenaline pushing her harder than ever. - Oh, and our next runner isn't far behind, despite moving at a very slow, almost walking pace. - I'm getting word that the runner's name is Michael Myers. And despite for going running for walking instead, is somehow miraculously closing in on Laurie for first place. - Yeah, Laurie appears to be desperately screaming for help, but this is a competition and you must finish it on your own. - And Laurie finishes. Congratulations on first place. - Oh, but she's not done yet. It looks like Laurie is continuing to run past the line and into the crowds. - And Michael Myers has finished in second place and is also continuing on. Probably in hopes of congratulating Laurie on the win. - Oh, that's the type of sportsmanship you'd like to see. Next up around the corner, opting for a very unusual outfit for such a hot day, dressed in khaki bands and a leather jacket, it's Indiana Jones. - He appears to be holding some form of idol. - Well, if he continues at this pace, he'll be getting another treasure. And that being the bronze medal, of course. - Oh, but right behind him, it's a giant boulder, rolling at an incredible speed. - This is why they call it the rock and roll marathon, Joanne. - I always thought it was because of the cover bands placed throughout the race. - What? No, why would you think that? - Yeah, I don't know. - Are you drunk? - Yeah, and. - Same. (laughing) - And scene. - Wow, and scene, wow. - Oh my God, love. - This is so, yeah. - Yeah, I loved it. - Wait, it's a great premise. - It is, Michael Myers to go after her for longer. And I just wanted them to not, just be like, wow, what good sportsmanship that is. - Yeah, yeah. - Like keeping up with. - He's now going down like different roads and they somehow still have cameras on her, even though she's down with the city. - Yeah, she's running into her basement. - She's running into the basement. (laughing) - Yeah, I agree, 'cause the part that made me laugh was, like them assuming that this is all endearing. Like, oh, he's probably wanting to congratulate her on the win. - Yeah. - I love that they're drunk because it makes me think that they're so fucked up. - Yeah, oh, none of them don't even see it. - It's only runners and they're not seeing that. - They're not even at a race. They're just watching this happen in front of them. - Oh my God, that's actually sad. - They're like, turn this off. - That's a funny separate sketch of two announcers who accidentally took shrooms beforehand or acid, and they're like, and next up coming is, you're not gonna believe me. - We're not coming around the corner. - It's some sort of fucking turtle. - It's indeed a challenge. - It's morphing, it's moving. - It's on a scooter. - That's amazing. - Yeah. - This could definitely go in a lot of different places. You got something good here. - Yeah, I was just laughing at the imagery of Michael Myers just walking and chasing someone. - Yeah, they're so good. - And she's like winning the race. - Yeah. - And it went well. - Wow, the sportsmanship is so incredible. - Yeah. - And now we're giving her a hug with a nice hands. - Yeah, with a nice hands, her neck. - Oh, he's giving her CPR with a nice hug. - And that's the bond that you see with runners. It's a different thing. - Oh, and he's letting her lay there 'cause she's tired. - Yeah. - She wants to rest. - Make sure to give her a banana. - Yeah. - I love this. What was the title? - Thanks. Marathon, rock and roll marathon. - Rock and roll marathon. - Oh my god. - Rocking epic. - Yeah. - Okay. - The biggest rock and roll marathon is cool. - I do want to cut to the rock and roll bands. - Just one of the bands, just like-- - I'm like, keep going. - They're really excited. - My problem is, I would stop. - Oh, I'm running and watching. - Before me, I'd be like, I gotta stop. - Yeah. - Thank you for sharing that chain. - You're welcome. - This is the vulnerability. - Oh, I can't wait. - And speaking of worse, let's get into this sketch. - Well, well, let's see how it goes. - Well, well, well, okay. This is stupid. Yeah, I wrote this recently. This is called chicken. - Good. - And that's just what it's gonna be. I will be woman. Great. - I run the first line if it be loud. - Yeah, so, and then, you know, that's great chain. I'll have you do drive through this. That'd be great. - Yes. - Both of that. - And then, chance, I'm gonna have you be supervisor. They come in later, and then Amanda, you're gonna be stage directions. - Oh, great. Everybody's got a part here. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Okay. - You have a drive through. - It's crazy. 'Cause that's the name of the sketch. And that's my character. - That's crazy. - It is crazy. - Okay. - The titular roll. - Okay, we ready? - Exterior. A drive through. Here we go. My first drive through ever. She pulls up to a Wendy's drive through. - Chicken, chicken, chicken. Which combo you picking? - I can't. - What? - I can't finish a whole combo. - You don't have to get a combo. - Look, kid, I can only eat two chicken fingers, Max. I'm setting a boundary. - That's totally fine. - All right. - Can I just please take your order? - That's not fair. - What, what's not fair? - Why do you get to take my order? If I'm paying, I should keep it. No matter how few chicken fingers I can eat. - Okay, you keep misunderstanding me. I'm just trying to get your food. Get your food. you. - You need to stop yelling at me, sir. - You're the only one who's yelling, ma'am. - How dare you call me ma'am. This is a casual drive-through interaction. I'm doing great. - That's far. - All right, I'm getting my supervisor. - Super. - What's the problem here? - This guy's forcing me to get a combo. - That's not true. - He said get a combo where I'm gonna kill your kids. - James, that's incredibly inappropriate. Why would you say that? - Why would you say that, James? - Why, James? I did not say that. I didn't say anything about your kids. I didn't even know you had kids. - Oh, why, yes, I do. (laughing) - She pulls out photos of her children. - This is Kyle and Pyle. They're six and seven. Can you see? - The drive-through camera is pretty grainy, but they sound precious just from their names. - Yeah, Pyle's a great name for a kid. - Oh, shut up, James. - Yeah, James, you gotta stop forcing women to hog down your combos. What the fuck is wrong with you? - I was just reading the script that we use for customers in the drive-through. Chicken, chicken, chicken, which combo you pick in. - I can't. - I knew you were a piece of shit. I just didn't know that you were this big of a piece of shit. You're a surprising amount of piece of shit. You're not even a piece anymore, James, you're a Pyle. - Pyle! - That's it, you're fired, but mom! - That's enough, James. Go upstairs to your room. - I hate that we limit Wendy's. - Please pull up to the second window, dear. - Woman pulls up as we hear Supervisor slap, James, and reveal a Wendy's. But the interior is a house for the couch, TV, and stairs leading up to the bedrooms. We hear a headset being taken off as James stomps up to his room at the Wendy's then. - We are so sorry to hear about that. Here you go, two chicken fingers. - Thank you for actually being kind and listening. You have a wonderful home. - Well, thank you so much for coming to Wendy's. You drive safe. - Thank you. And you drive through. Woman drives off. - Wow. - Holy shit. - Incredible. - I love switchups like that. - Oh, thanks. - And you drive through. - Supervisor was a woman, and that's the riddle. - And that's the riddle. - Yes, I think your character's so works. - Absolutely, yeah, 100%. - Okay, inspiration? - Yeah, what the hell happened? - Okay, so as you may know, I actually used to work at a raising canes. - Yes. - I did not know that. - Yes, we, you've talked about this lore from Sposhmouth, I thought. - I believe so, maybe? - No. - Didn't we go through our jobs at some point? - Yeah. - Maybe not, Selena's not remembering it, so maybe not. - But I know you've told me this story. And it's, you've got some tails. - I've got, yes, I do. - I know. - But do you have some wings? - Sorry, he said, but do you have some wings? - Or do you have fingers? - Hey, okay, I like that. I like that. - So working at raising canes. - Working at raising canes is the inspiration. I, of course, made this a Wendy's, but at raising canes, this is truly what you say in the drive through when customers come through is awful. You have, you have technically a sheet and you can choose from sayings. And I chose the coolest one, which was, hey, what's kickin' wants some chicken. That's the coolest one of the bunch, you guys. - That's pretty cool. - Yeah, it's cool. - The other one was what's up, fucker. - Yeah, no, literally, other ones were like, no, literally, it was like clock, clock, clock. Like, how do you want to spend your buck, buck, buck? Like, oh, crazy, cringey, cringey, cringey, cringey, cringey, cringey. - I would drive all out of the drive. - You drive, smashing all the cars. - I'd like, no, I don't want to raise you can anymore. - But the second most utilized one was chicken, chicken, chicken, which combo you pick in. So I-- - Would you say it really fast to get it over with? - Chicken, chicken, chicken, chicken, chicken, chicken, chicken. - Yeah, so when you're working the drive through, you know, you have the headsets and everybody, and it's like, the system is like, you can sort of like press the button and then you hear them and your mic is active, like the pop star mic, but then if you press the button, it's not active anymore, so at a certain point, everyone would get, like, you know, once you got casual with the drive through, you'd just be like, laughing with your buzz and then you'd be like, "Chicken, chicken, chicken, which combo you pick in?" - Yeah. - Yeah, no, that's crazy, that's crazy. - Yeah. - Yeah, okay, Diet Coke. And it was just like, what the, like, vibes were, like, once you, like, learned. And I had only worked there for three months. I really didn't last long. But the drive through was the most stressful part of my job. It was awful. It's actually terrible because you're doing that. You're, you're, you know, bandering with your co-workers, you're putting stuff in, you're also filling up the drinks, you're also taking another customer's payment, and you're all, and you have to just be chill the whole time. - Yeah. - Really bad and really scary, so I decided to write it out. - And the people are insane. - Wow. - Like, the people rolling through, you're gonna deal with someone who's awful every day. - Yeah, I mean, you know, I will say, I didn't, I don't remember that many rude people. - Oh, that's nice. - I remember actually, like, laughing a lot, 'cause what would happen so often was people would roll up to the second window, they'd pay, and then they'd drive off. - Oh. - And they'd, they'd, from back to, - They forget their food. - They forget their food. - Like, I forgot my chocolate. - And then they'd just come back around and they'd be like, sorry about that. - Sorry about that. - I got a drop in my car. - I'm like, oh, I can, that's impossible for me. - Yeah. - 'Cause when I'm at a drive-through, I'm usually so hungry. - Right. - I'm like, I'm so hungry right now. - Yeah. - I know, I'm gonna think, when he's so good too. - I know. - And he says, I like that they lived there. - Did you guys make the sauce in house, the Raisin Canes sauce, dude? - We did. - The Canes sauce is so good. - I wanna say, I signed, I didn't actually sign, but I signed some sort of, like, D-A-A's, like, don't tell. - Don't tell the secret sauce. - Whatever, it was like, catch up. - It's truly catch-up and stuff. - Yeah, mayo, probably, I don't know. - It's not a complicated sauce, it's just delicious. I love it. - It's just getting really hungry. - I was just really hungry here. - I'm so hungry. I prefer X-B's though. - Whoa. - I've heard people talk about sauce. - There's so many more sauces. - You prefer? - Are you kidding me? - I'm a sauce man. - I heard people talking shit about Raisin Canes online the other day, and I was like, look, I can't defend it 'cause the chicken itself has no flavor. - No seasoning. - What's the one that you like? - Nothing. - It's the sauce. - It's the main sauce. - It's the sauce. - I don't know what it is. - It's the sauce. - The sauce toast is crazy. - Let's talk about that text toast. - And you know what they got? - I don't know what they got. - X-B's too, and they got it on the clock. - I've never had that. - Oh my God. - I know. - We need to give you a wink. - That's a thing's combo. - No, it's a fried chicken. - I am obsessed with fried chicken. - It's in the South of Laugh. A lot around the South. - Okay, never find a X-Face. - The next time I'm rolling through the South, ever if we do show a third of the-- - I would love to see you rolling through the South. - I'll roll through the South of Laugh. - How should I believe you? - No, the food. - Okay, Nashville. - Oh my God. - Blue Nashville. - Blue Nashville. - Yeah, Nashville. - No, the food is just so fucking. - Did you say no? - It's so good. - No, I said so like no. - I said so like no. - Yeah, no, yeah, no, yeah, no, yeah, no. - Yeah, no, no, we're going, let's go. - Let's go. - No, yeah. - Yeah. - Oh my God. - Ah, ah, now I want fried chicken. - Okay, sorry. - Okay, I want this, it engraved. - I'm sorry, everybody. - Like a pickle on it. - I drew it with Texas toast. - My mouth is watering. - We're going to read my neck. - Okay, sorry. - The fries at Canes though, mid. - I will say, like I get the argument that Canes overall, what they're offering, but I love it. - Yeah, I'm fine with it. - And I'm sorry, I'm still going to go on X-Face. - They're similar fries to Canes, but they're seasoned. They're like, they got this special fried. - Oh, they? - Crinkle cut needs to be seasoned a little bit. - 100%. - Yeah. - And it can hold it too, it's got the creases to hold it out. - I thought it was funny. I've said, I talked shit about this a while ago about pastas. I'm like, how are pastas really that different based on their shape? - What? - But I am hypocritical for saying that because fries are so fucking different based on their shape. - It's how they hold the soft. - Don't get me started on the spot. - But it's crazy though, like how different you cut a fry. It's a completely different game. - Sure is. - It sure is. - Okay, so this one's got your name on it, so you're wrong. - Okay. - No, you're wrong. - Fried for all different. - Okay, guys, so this I wrote yesterday, it's way too long. It's so-- - Amanda, this is a bug. - I don't care. - We better not read any velvet wrapped steel in here. - This is inspired by something that really happened, but of course it's a sketch, so it went to a fun place. - So you heightened it. - So I'm dying to read the main characters, but I'm not going to, I'm gonna read stage and manager. - You can read whatever you want. - 'Cause I like all the characters so much. - You can be the main character. - If it has to be read a certain way, you know? But if you feel like one of us will pick up on it, then that's okay. - Just do it. - Okay. - I'm gonna-- - Jesus, I'm such a child. - You got it. - I'm gonna play Laurie. You're gonna play Richard. Shane, I want you to play-- - Oh. - I want you to play manager. Arasha, can you play woman? And I'm gonna read-- - I'm so sorry, that's not-- - No, it's okay. - I'm gonna read-- - It's fine. - This is me being-- - I got it. - Literally, this is me being a psycho. - No, I love this. - Just two into it. And I'm gonna read stage as well. - Her stage is like also just part of it. - Okay. - Okay. - Reward. - By a manly-- - You're proud of this one, I love it. - Jesus Christ. - I don't know if I am proud of this one, but I had a really good time writing it. - Okay. - Interior Sprouts, which is a grocery store. Interior Sprouts Day. Two grocery store employees, Richard and Laurie, are in the middle of scanning a woman's groceries. Richard scans a plastic bag full of nuts and looks up at the woman. - Did you get the barcode for these nuts? - Oh, shoot, I didn't. - Well, then I can't scan it. - Laurie stops unfolding a paper bag. Let me see the nuts, Richard. Richard hands her the bag of nuts. - Oh, these are the raw pine nuts. Yeah, I think the number for these nuts is-- Oh, the number is-- Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait, I know this. What is the blue number? Oh, wait, oh, I know it. I know it. God, what is the number? Oh, man. Richard stands there, eyes dead, staring at Laurie, because this happens all the time. With the pine nuts, people don't get the barcode, which is totally fine because it's usually hidden. But, oh, man. It's on the tip of my tongue. Oh! - What is it? - I can go run and check real quick if you need. - No, it's fine, ma'am. I'll just look it up. Laurie, I'm looking it up. - Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. It's um, oh, it's five, wait. Oh, okay, it's five, five, one, six, four, seven, eight, one, zero. Got it. Richard blinks twice slowly, then turns to register and types in the code. Laurie is very proud of herself. New I had it. - Richard finishes scanning all of the woman's groceries. - Did you want to use your reward points? The system is showing me based on your account that you have 10 reward points, which you could equal $2 off your haul today. - Oh, I think I'll just keep stacking the rewards up. Laurie stops bagging immediately. Ma'am, you know those reward points expire. So if you don't use them, then it's just, they'll be gone. It's crazy that customers don't know that. Oh, yeah, I had no idea. That's not true. Sprouts reward points don't ever expire. - Laurie's taken it back. What? Yes, they do. - No, they don't, Laurie. I've had mine since October, and they rolled over into the next year. - What? No, no. I had like 100 reward points last year, and I didn't want to lose them, so I had to use them on stakes for my dad's retirement party. But I would have saved them and used them for this big month because I'm having a big birthday. - Laurie, they don't expire. I have 545 points that I haven't touched. So when I finally use them, I'm basically going to get all my groceries for free plus my employee discount. So I'll be walking out here with a free haul. - No. - Yes. - That's impossible. I was told. - You were misinformed, Laurie. All employees know that rewards don't expire. - Yes, they do expire. Don't waste the rewards, Richard. Beat of Laurie staring intensely at the side of Richard's face. He doesn't take his eyes off the woman. - Okay, yeah, you know what? I'll use my reward points. Why not? I don't come here that often and having $2 off is a deal. - That's the right decision. Laurie finishes bagging her groceries, Richard aggressively plugs in numbers into the register. - You're wasting your reward. - The woman awkwardly laughs. Richard takes her credit card and prints out her receipt. Richard, she wants to use her reward because she doesn't want to lose her points and miss out. - Well, I guess that decision has been made with false information. - No, it's true information. - It's false. - True. - False. - False. - Liar. - Bitch. (laughing) - Okay, thanks. - Woman grabs her grocery bags and politely walks out while Richard and Laurie stare at each other intensely. - So, bitch, your birthday's coming up. (laughing) - Yep. And come to think of it. I don't need my reward points to enjoy the day because you can't really bring anything with you when you are riding huge, beautiful horses through a flower farm. - Oh, I know all about your birthday plans because everyone who was invited at work can't shut up about it. - Oh, uh-huh. - Yeah, and come to think of it. I didn't know they allowed mean bitches to ride horses. (laughing) - Oh, oh, and I didn't know they allowed ugly monsters to scan groceries. - Oh, yeah? Well, I didn't know that they allowed annoying hookers to even be anywhere near a calming gorgeous animal like a horse. - Oh, oh, oh, yeah? Well, I didn't know that they allowed the saddest, nastiest man in the room to even have the privilege of speaking to me. That's why I didn't invite you because you're so goddamn sad. - Richard stiffens his whole body and headbutts Laurie. - Oh my God! - Laurie pulls back in shock. With blood pouring down her face, she grabs a paper bag and slashes Richard's face. - Oh my God, ow! - They don't hold back. Laurie has Richard up in the air above her while Richard kicks and kicks his feet. They sooner tumbling on the check out conveyor belt, pulling each other's hair and screaming. Eventually, and I mean eventually, the manager comes over. - Guys, guys, guys, guys, stop, stop it, stop it. - He kind of tries to pull them off each other, but it's almost like he doesn't have the will for this drink. - Whoa. - You guys can't do this, okay? They're customers. They're people watching, okay, stop, stop. - They finally stop and collect themselves. Laurie wipes blood from her nose and Richard takes off his mangled glasses and places them in his pocket. - What is this all about? - Do the reward points expire? - Or do they roll over and you can bank them so one grocery ship you get basically get the entire hall for free, including your employees discount? - The reward points expire, but we roll your points over, Richard, because you never use them and we don't want you to take away that. We don't want to take that perk away from you. - Richard is stunned. Laurie is victorious. - Oh. - So the structure of the reward points was specific to me? - Yeah, pretty much. And Amy, because she lost her card months ago and it's easier this way when they then to tell her the truth. - We see Amy walking by with a handful of milks, smiling. - Oh, that's thoughtful, thanks. - So use them up, Richard. And guys, please don't do that again. This job is hard enough. - Yes, sir. - Oh, also, Laurie, I can't come to your birthday. I get motion sickness on horses, but thanks for coming over to my home and personally inviting me at my front door during dinner with my wife and kids. That was a lot of fun. - Manager walks away. Richard turns to Laurie. - I guess you win. - Yeah, I do win. Thanks for recognizing that. Laurie goes to walk away. Hey, Richard. - It's okay. I don't feel comfortable being that high up on a horse. I barely know anyways. - Oh, I wasn't gonna invite you to my birthday party. I just wanted to say all the board's head meets are on sale if you wanted to use your reward points there. You could get a lot. - Thanks. I do love pepper turkey. - Nice. Laurie walks away. Cut to interior manager's office same day. We see him on his computer typing in Google. Top rated white sand beaches in the tropics. With those cool huts that are on the jetty and those sandals commercials. Pina Colada type hotel affordable, clean. We then see his face and he's smiling relieved. - One day I'll get my reward. - Blackout. - What? - Wow. - Okay, so they fight. - You fight? - This is incredible. - You don't want to act. - I guess. - You wrote a pilot. - I was having, wait, I wanted it to go further. - Yeah. - I was gonna have a whole other ending. - No, this is great. - Okay. - I love Laurie. - Yes, this is awesome. - Laurie takes her job very seriously. - If you actually wanted to just shorten it and make it a sketch, though the nuts was hilarious at the beginning and showed us exactly which she was, I would say you could get straight. - You could get straight into that. Oh, and did you want to use your rewards? But the nuts is awesome because it shows us that she's insane. - That was gonna be the whole sketch. - Me too. - But they were just gonna be waiting for it. - I thought that was it. - And I knew it was always gonna be about the reward points, but I was having so much fun writing the nut bit. - Yeah. - And while we were reading it, I was like, okay, the nut bits too. That was me just indulging way too hard in myself. - I mean, you could like stupidly come back to it and you could like call her nuts and she can be like, don't joke about my nuts, you know? - It does establish her character, though. - That's the only reason why I wrote it. - Yeah, like I said, this begins like, this is the beginning of a pilot more than a sketch. - Yeah. - Okay, so I did actually go grocery shopping and there was two people. There was a man, a really tall long man with like a lanyard and like a shorter woman who was just like really into it and they had a little bit of a better argument about reward points. She was like, do you want to use your reward points? And I was like, no, I don't really have enough and she's like, it's crazy that you don't know that these could expire. - I love she's up. - That's as far as the one. - I love checking out at a grocery store where they're bantering between each other. It happens a lot, but it usually happens is they're talking shit. Like they're talking shit about someone else, like something will happen. It'll be like, can you fucking believe this shit? - Yes. - Can you believe what like, like yeah, like whatever, like I'm doing this, I'm doing my thing. And they're bothering me. And I'm sitting there just like, yeah. - They're kind of hard as in their own. But this guy literally was, it was like he was a ghost. He was just like, no, they don't expire. And she was like, yeah, they do. - I love it. - And it was just like a back and forth and I was like, okay. What if they just, but then once I brought in the manager, I was like, I want to see his whole story. - Oh, no, that was a great, that was an awesome bite. - I just love a manager who slowly walks up to people beating the shit out of each other. And he's like, stop, hey, cut it out. - You love telling into any one's story. Like it's hard for you to let any small character just go. - Yeah, this was my biggest issue with writing sketches is I would go so hard, deep onto characters. And they're like, yes, you brought up that thing and I wanted to go there. I struggled to like-- - I feel like the next time you do this, you should just keep going and go till you hit 60 pages. - And then just send it to an age. - Yeah, that's funny. - Don't even read it. - You're like, I've written, yeah. - I feel like I have that similar problem sometimes with sketches where like for me, it's funny that you brought up like writing things like kind of like a sitcom sometimes. So I feel like I do that too, where I put so many different games and I just end up stacking all these different stories, these different plot lines and all of these different things are different jokes and it ends up just being very difficult to keep track 'cause you're like, similarly, you're like, wait, where are the nuts? What happened to this and what happened to that? And it's really hard to keep it so cohesive. So I definitely relate to that. - That's so interesting. Mine's like, I think I have the opposite problem where like, when I'm writing a sketch, everyone is in service to the sketch, it's not true enough to each character. And then I have to go through like, especially when I'm writing like pilots or things, I have to go through and differentiate the character's voices 'cause they all start to sound the same 'cause they're all serving the same. - I think is that just from like someone who's-- You like to write game and then you're a man or you're such a character person. - Yeah, like I struggle to find the game. - But it's just like where you're like brain gulps. - I go off on, 'cause like an alternate ending, my first initial gut and then I was like, I can't, this is gonna go way too long. But I wanted the manager to secretly be fucking with Lori the whole time. - That's funny. - But he's writing to like the head of Sprouts being like make sure that you keep expiring Lori's point. - Yes, yes, yes. - And then you find that he has like, he's like this evil villain guy. And then I was like, I can't go further. - Yep. - So I actually, the game of it all, I more, I don't like often think of it when I'm writing sketch, which is my work that I gotta figure out. - I feel the same way. You gotta like find it once you're actually in it. That's like, what's working? What is making me laugh in this? - But I was laughing a lot when I was writing this. - I believe it. I was like, I don't know. If they don't like it, I had a good time writing it. - Hell yeah. - I loved it. - Awesome. - Yay. Chance, you wanna go next or should I go? Okay. - Okay, I'll give you two options. These were both rejected. These are both from my SNL writers package. And they were both rejected by SNL. - Yay. - Wow. - Okay. So these are some that you feel proud of though. - These are some that I feel proud of. Their one is like a, one is called understudy and it's about like one quirky girl in a stage show that's like she's out in place. The other one is called Bachelor Dino Date. It's like Bachelor and they're talking about Dino's. - I know which one I'm wrong. I know which one I want. - I don't know. You pick. - It's your show. - No, no, no. You guys are the guests. You decide. - Understudy. - Let's do it. - That's what I was gonna choose. - Oh my God. - Yay. - I was just about to choose it too if you didn't choose it. - I feel like I said that word earlier so it feels like I'm-- - I heard it and that's what I was like-- - Understudy. - Yes, I'm or a farmer. - Okay. (laughing) - No. - Fuck. I personally love this sketch. My old manager who actually reps someone who was on SNL. He hated this one so I was like okay, whatever. - Well, we're gonna love it. - He really didn't like it. - I'm excited. - I'm gonna give you a yesterday. - Okay, you're definitely being understudy. - Great. - And her name is Rachel. - No, no, her name is understudy. - Understudy. - Yeah, no, of course. Don't mix that up. - Rachel. - Yes. - You be Charles. - Great. - And then I'll be everyone else. - Oh, sorry. - If there's anyone else. - And you do stage? - Yes, and I'll do stage. Okay, here we go. This is understudy. Interior theater. A production of the musical Chicago is underway. The orchestra is playing the opening of the cell-block tango. The conductor fanically runs up to the tech booth and talks to Charles, the lights and sound guy. - Charles, one of the actresses just had a really bad yogurt incident backstage. So we are sending in the understudy for cell-block tango. - Oh, Jesus, is she okay? Also yogurt incident. - Chobani. - Say no more. Understudy is going in, got it. - Here they come. - The six ladies come out one at a time. Lady one comes out, she's a sexy, she's professional. Pop. Lady two comes out, equally gorgeous, equally professional. Six, the understudy comes out and she's wearing a fake beard. She comes out like a person doing a bit walk. - Squish. - The ladies continue their intros muted. Is she wearing a fake beard? - Yes, yes, she is. Mother of fuck, she's a comedian. Do you still have the resumes? - I'm the lighting guy, of course I do. Charles, and it's her, that's the thing. - It's worse than I thought. She's not just a comedian. She's a girl who won class clown in high school and based her entire adult identity on that one superlative. - Well, I mean, it's just one solo. She can't fuck it up that bad. Cut to the stage, she's handing it up. - Now I'm standing in the kitchen. I'm carving up the chicken for dinner, mining my own business. - So far so good. - And in storms, my husband Wilbur in a jealous rage. Can I get a suggestion of a profession? - She didn't just ask for a suggestion during a scripted performance. - Unfortunately, she did. It says here on her resume, she took almost three full improv classes. She didn't finish the third because she self-proclaimed herself homophobic. - She can't just keep going what about the orchestra? - They're vamping until the queue line. She can go as long as she wants. We are at her mercy. Anything at all, like firemen or therapist or butthole inspector. - Awkward beat, the audience doesn't know what to do. - Yell out milkman, the actual line is milkman. - Milkman. - No, no, no, that's cheating, Charles. Come on, any profession, okay? You can say butthole inspector. - A pediatrician? - Pediatrician, yes, thank you. You've been screwing the pediatrician. My husband said he was crazy and he kept on screaming. And then I told him, that's not true. My feet are just fine. I haven't even needed to go to the pediatrician in years. - What? - Jesus Christ, I don't think she knows what a pediatrician is. - No way. - I've always had really great feet. That's why I assumed my husband was jealous of the alleged feet doctor I was sleeping with. - Let me pull the lights. Please, for the love of sweet little baby God. Let me pull the lights. - Contracts, Charles. Hmm, besides, she's only got one line left. (laughing) - The two dots are asleep. (laughing) - Hmm, besides, she's only got one line left technically and it's the queue line. - Come on, you well-o-wells ass bitch. Say it, say your goddamn line. And then he ran into my knife. - The orchestra stops vamping. - Yes! - He ran into my knife 10 times. And then you know what happened next. - And the orchestra comes back in. - No, wait, hold up, I'm not done. - Orchestra stops again. - You know what happened next? Boy, he ran into my knife 10 more times. I said, bitch, you're gonna talk to me like that? I don't think so, honey. - Oh, no, she's running out of ideas. So no, she's improvising in a black sense. And terms, she hears her gay friends, you. - Oh my god, I hate you. My nip said, bruh, bruh, bruh, bruh, bruh. And bitch, I carved his ass up. It felt so good. I was like, licking the damn knife, girl. And it was just like, when I licked that knife in Paris, lights up on a Parisian kitchen. - What was she doing? - Fuck, she had a one woman show with the fringe. I think she's trying to slip that into the show. - Oh my god. - The other actresses on stage begin to sit down and get a little more comfy. - Oi, oi, munche, how lovely it is to be here in the city of lights. Paris, I'm in Paris. And yes, Paris here with my baguette. - Understanding holds up one of the police batons that was on stage, Rachel looks at the resume. - Prop, comic? Rachel holds up the resume and it says prop, comic, and big letters. - Yep. - She's doing everything. She's doing literally the most and for what? - One of the other actresses pulls out her phone and begins to text on stage. Understudy perceives to mine, eating the baton. - And now the other actresses are giving up. Yummy, yummy, me like this baguette. - Rachel, what's happening now? - I, I don't know. Her resume doesn't cover this one. - Rachel's phone begins to ring. - Ring, ring, ring. - Oh my god. The big time Broadway lawyers are calling me. - She answers her flip phone. - Hello? Yes, I know. But, but the contracts. - One, one, one, one, one, one. - Okay, I understand. Thank you, goodbye. - What did they say? - They love her performance. They said, quote, it's slaps. It's gonna be added to every production of Chicago, but you're on out. - God help us. - Boy. - Boy. - Boy. - Boy. - My nights are in, bra, bra, bra. - I love how at the start of this, you were like, Amanda, you have to be. - You know what it is, Chance? - This is right. - I'm the star. This is hilarious, and I think upon just reading it and not getting the vibrant performances that you thought today, I think that is maybe what was the gap, but it's very funny. - It's so super silly. - Wow. - Super silly concept. - My nights are in, bra, bra. - Bitch, I carved his hand. (laughing) That is so good. - I love it so much. - It's so fun. - The clown, the one woman show lights up in Paris. - Paris. - Oh yeah. - Don't verbalize the set that you were going to. - Yeah, no. - This is not a one woman show. - But it was perfect set up. New exactly what was happening. - I love it. - I love it so much. - Shit. - Wow. - Oi, oi. - It's me in Paris. - Oi, oi. - It's you. - Oi, oi, oi, oi. - Oi, oi, oi, oi, oi. - Jesus. - I don't think she knows what a pediatrician is. - He's feet. - I haven't been to a pediatrician in years. - That was awesome. - I loved it. - It was fun. - Okay, so the other two that I have is shitter and Lloyd. - Let's read shitter. - Okay, shitter. - Well, actually, I already made the decision and we're going to do Lloyd. - Oh. - Okay. - Why did you give us the illusion of Lloyd? - I just said that I had to do Lloyd personally. - Thank you. - All right, fine. We'll read Lloyd. - We're doing Lloyd shitter. You're going to have to have me back on your show. - All right. - So. - There you go. - I think you need a part two. - And then after this, could I read mine really fast? - Yeah. - Yeah. - Okay. - So then we'll go to this question. - Mine's mostly state trick. - Okay, so let's see. - Yes. - Great. - And Mike. - Okay. - Double book. - Yes. - I'm going to be Lloyd. - Yes. - Amanda, you're Lisa. - Lisa. - And I'm a child there. - You're so Heather. - You're so Heather. - You're so Heather. - You know what? Interior, apartment, game night, in the middle of the game, werewolf. OK, werewolf, close your eyes. If you have the queen card, you're the fortune teller. Wake up and point to someone whose role you wish to uncover. Lisa wakes up, points to Lloyd, and Trenton informs them that Lloyd is the werewolf. OK, fortune teller, go to sleep. Now everyone, wake up. So last night someone was killed by the werewolf. It was Mike. Oh, no, fuck. This is so scary, you guys. Shit. I'm so sad. I'm surprised. And I'm sad. Lloyd is freaking out. Everyone is staring at Lloyd. So you will now discuss who you all suspect is the werewolf. I mean, shit, you guys. I mean, what do we think? They all exchange awkward glances. I'm really sorry to reveal this so soon, but I am the fortune teller. And I did find out that Lloyd is the werewolf. Oh, classic. Pick on the new guy. Am I right? So classic, Chica. Any other leads? No bad answers. That feels pretty clear. It sound like it's you, Lloyd. That is the dumbest fucking thing I've ever heard in my life. Why would I kill Mike? He's right over there. If he was dead, he wouldn't be there. OK, use your head. Plus, if Mike's going to die, it's going to be because of his alcohol problem. OK. Well, do you have anything to contribute? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, I do. I do. OK. So crazy news. I'm the fortune teller. And last night, when you were sleeping, I saw Lisa killing Heather as the werewolf. Mike was the one who was killed. What? No, fuck. This sucks. I love Mike. I loved Mike. No. No, no, no, no, no, no, my God. OK, so you're claiming to be the fortune teller? And you're claiming that you've had zero work done? Whoa, Lloyd. Oh, oh, oh, oh. He's literally howling like a werewolf. And you're dead, Mike. You can't say shit, OK? That's not how werewolf works. You ever been to a game night? Or do you just invite people to yours and tell them to show up at the wrong time? What is that? It means that you texted me this morning and said, hey, Lloyd, I'm having a little game night at my place tonight, just a few friends. If you want to come over, it's tonight around 8. So? So you say around 8. And I show up at 8.30. And everybody's already here. So I look like the big bad wolf. Because around 8 is evidently 8 p.m. and not a moment later. Beat. Lloyd, we're not upset with you for being late. And we're sorry. We started a game before you got here and made you feel like you were late. I just hate being rude. We hate that too. Oh, Heather. It just felt like you were getting a little aggressive while we were playing. Oh, shut your fucking trap trend. Don't you have enough on your mind with your affair. Oh, no. OK, Lloyd, I'm sorry. I have to ask you to leave. Please go. Fine. Fuck you, man. And by the way, Lisa, I think you're settling. So does Mike. He told me himself. This is bullshit. Lloyd slams the door shut. There's a few seconds of silence until Lloyd busts back into the house. Fuck! Oh, my God. I am so sorry, you guys. I completely forgot to hug you all goodbye. I literally hate to be rude. Hey, take care, everybody. OK, good night. I love you, guys. Oh, my God. Just leave again and not hug any of us. We're all just like, oh, yeah. He's just announcing that he forgot. This is so good. I love these types of characters. I have a pitch for a button. Please. After he leaves, if Heather's like, I was the way. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I was the way. I was the way. Oh, yeah. Heather. Heather. OK, so obviously you guys know this was inspired because I'm literally always the werewolf. But you are. I thought that this could be really fun and in the lore of what we usually do. This was also one of those things where I had so many different versions of this because I thought it would be really funny if they started turning on each other as Lloyd would be releasing more information. And they'd be like, you told him. Yeah. And they started getting mad at each other. And I liked that. And then it was like, then I just felt like I was doing a lot because it was like, he's late. But then also he's just crazy. But also he's, she's bad at being a werewolf. It's just all over the place. But I just love this button. It's so good. I love it. I'm turning on each other. And then at the end, he's like, oh, my God, I was a werewolf. What did you guys think? And they're all just really upset. Yeah. I like it. Yeah. I love that. It's super Tim Robinson. It's very Tim Robinson. It's all. It's all. Yeah. Yeah. It's so good. And just like the arbitrary reaction of like, oh, and everybody being like, what is hug you guys? Yeah. Just like Lloyd. No one will ruin. Yeah. His name was Lloyd. And everyone just, no. Lloyd. Lloyd. Wasn't there a show on Disney Channel? And his name was Lloyd? Probably. He was like an alien. Lloyd. He was an alien. I schooled the alien. Yeah. They would be Lloyd. I don't remember that. Well, we're running out of time. I have one more crazy sketch that I wrote and I did not reread it if I have time. Speedrun. Speedrun. Let's speedrun it. Okay. I'm so grateful that you guys brought on sketches. Thank you for that. Thank you guys. Oh, my God. That was so much. It was a good exercise. And your sketches were far better than mine. Yeah. Okay. This is mostly stage direction. I will read stage direction. And myself. A Russia. Can you be Selena and Amanda? Oh, God. Can you be Amanda? I see. Yes. Yes, yes, yes. All right. And then chance. Can you be any other character that shows up? Yes. Selena are setting up the podcast mics and shit like they always do because that's how we roll. When suddenly the doors slam open revealing Shane, handsome, carrying several boxes of donuts. Hey, gang. Sorry. I'm late. I was buying donuts for everyone. Everyone cheers. Shane is the absolute best. Wow. Thanks, Shane. You're the absolute best. I also think you're the best, Shane. All the crew in the room nod in agreement. Through the window, we see several garbage men taking out the trash. They pause their work to also nod in agreement that Shane is the fucking best and you better not ever doubt that shit. All right. Well, I'm just going to set them on the table over there as Shane Moses over to the table. His foot catches on a cable running along the floor. Oh, no. Shane, look out. Shane loses his balance, tripping forward. The stacks of donuts tip forward as he tumbles toward a window. Oh, shit. Shane cannot stop the momentum. He fully crashes through the window and does a full front flip through the broken glass, flying outside. Oh, my God. Shane somehow does a perfect front flip without losing any of the donuts but lands directly on a skateboard, launching down the street with speed of a cheetah. Jesus. Oh, shit. Stacks of donuts wobbling in his hands. Shane sways back and forth on the skateboard as it zips down the street onto a highway ramp and directly into oncoming freeway traffic. Shit. He weaves between cars and trucks. One of the donuts at the top of the stack falls off and perfectly hits a motorcyclist in the face. Oh, Boston Creek, his head explodes. Oh, shit. Shane turns back to see that he's about to run directly into a snow plow going 80 miles per hour. He flies with it, but the plow on the front acts as a sick ass ramp, launching Shane directly into the sky. Oh, shit. Shane breaks the sound barrier as he flies higher and higher above the clouds, above the atmosphere. Oh, shit. Shane passes into the stratosphere at a speed so intense. So insane. It's like, dude, you really can't even comprehend how fast this speed is. Like it's nuts. A satellite nearly collides with him, but he does a grind on one of the antenna and flip kick flips off of it, improving the Wi-Fi for millions of people. He flies past the moon, it disappears in the distance. He passes Mars, the asteroid belt, Jupiter, Neptune, Uranus, and even Pluto, which as he glides past can see is in fact a planet. It says it on the surface. It says it's a planet. I don't make the rules. Then resembling a comet at the speed he's traveling, Shane leaves the solar system, hurling into the nothingness of the galaxy. Oh, shit. For days, weeks, months, perhaps even years, Shane drifts in the eternal darkness as his home shrinks in the distance until it is nothing more than a speck. Yet another light begins to grow, a white shining orb of light expands with more colors and details coming into view. Shane squints as encompasses his entire field of vision. It is indeed Alpha Centauri, the nearest system to our own. Shane blasts forward at nearly the speed of light, the spheres of the system growing near and near. What's that? Ah, yes. Proxima Centauri B, a planet in the Goldilocks Zone, possibly habitable for life, Shane's new home. The dazzling blaze forms around Shane as he falls into the atmosphere, adding a nice crispy texture to the donuts, which he is still carrying, let's not forget that. On the surface, it is a quiet, peaceful night on this foreign planet. Tall, rubber-like grass, sways in the gentle breeze, calls of mysterious creatures sound in the distance. Then, a streak of fire darts across the sky, and a burst of light erupts out from the horizon. A flock of flying creatures escape from the trees. A massive crater has formed on the surface. The trees and brush on the outer rings gently burning. At the center, curled up naked, clutching a stack of donuts. Naked. Shane. Oh, shit. That's what he wants. Just then, humanoid-like beings emerge from the trees and slowly approach Shane. Their large, crystalline eyes gaze over this alien creature. They reach out slowly with their long, purple hands and touch his shoulder. Shane awakens with a gasp. Oh, shit. Then, the creature's lurch back and fear. Shane, eyes wide, stairs and disbelief at the stream. world and strange new company. He slowly holds up the boxes in his hands. I brought doughnuts, one of the creatures steps forward, carefully opening the box and pulling one of the powdered covered pastries. Slowly, it raises it to its mouth, which opens vertically and takes a bite. It's eyes wide and in delight of the taste. It speaks. Oh, sick, Boston cream. It's head explodes. I could not have predicted. That's what those aliens sound like. And then the head explodes. Yeah, okay. This is so fun. I wanted them to like go to you in the crater and be like lights and five. So if you can just sit in your mouth. Yeah, no, it's going to happen. And then it's Amanda and Selena as aliens. And they're like, Jane, you're here. You're the best. Yeah. And it just says, you're the best. Funny. Wait, I need to see this like animated. This feels like you're going to get animated. Like, this is so fucking sick. You're going to get that. Wow. Yeah. This is what happened. I have a question about Shane handsome carrying several boxes of doughnuts. Yeah. Is it like a different version of you? No, that's just part of this. It's just like clear. Like, that's a character breakdown. He wanted to also be naked. Like, yeah, it's something that he ever plays the character. Just make sure that they're handsome. Okay, got it. It's something he's like going. Jane, going to handsome. Like, you know, got it. It's just a little confusing. He's celebrating himself. Sure for sure. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But that almost did happen. What part? Oh, yeah. Because I brought doughnuts and I almost tripped and then like, and you know, if I did trip that matter, okay. I'd like to bring on this motorcycle character onto our pod at any time. Anyway, that was so much fun. I think we need to do rejected sketches again. I love that. You have to because I really want to read shitter. We got to read shitter. Okay, we have to read shitter. And we have to read the other one that, um, Chan's brought, which was Dino date. Dino date and shitter. So have us back. Yeah, I want to see more from Laurie. Yes. What's up? Laurie's got a whole world. Okay, this is awesome. We have to go. Which sucks, but we have to go now. Chance and Rashi, you guys are the absolute best. Thank you. What we're in here. What were you about to do? I don't know. This is why I like to do the most green motorcycle on. They're going. All right. Bye guys. See you.