#137 - These Sketches Are Absolutely MENTAL (that's British for crazy)

Hey guys, welcome to Smoshmouth. I'm Shane and I am Amanda Lehan Cantal. Whoa, the full whole thing. Hey, whoa the full. And we have two very special guests for us today. Chance and Arashah. Hello. Hey, yeah, yeah. We got four people today. I feel like we swapped the way we would usually say hello. Yeah, but mine was like not off-pitch. Oh, we're starting off with that. I'm watching straight. God, he burned you so hard. Okay. He's in one of those moods. You know, like that I said, burned you so hard. Burned you so hard. You burned me. We are still in our temporary studio. Hundreds of feet below the Earth's crust. Yes, we had to go through a tunnel. May used to get here. Yeah. Well, those little mine carts. Oh my god. And they made me kind of sick. What do you guys do? What is the mine cart from mine carts? No, you know that game where you were like, is that club penguin? Mario Party, you have some of them. Harry Potter, Mario Party, do you like mine carts? Yeah, there's one in club penguin though too, right? Maybe I never played club penguin. Donkey Kong's got some mine carts in it. The Hobbit. I think that's where it hurts. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hobbit. Is that true? And then Indian, Indiana Jones. No, it's the dwarves that get in the fucking mine cart. Harry Potter. That's so fucked up. Some thumbs up. What? There's lots of mine carts. Do other things than mine? Either way, you guys got in one. That's their main thing. That is like the main thing that they live in the mountain and they mine the mountain. Either way, we got two of us here. That is what's the show that came out about the dwarves? I watched trolls. Why are we talking about? Oh my god. The Lord of the Rings show that came out brings a power, rings a power. Rings a power. Yeah, it's got dwarves in there. I know, but they don't. And they are in mines in there too. They don't have mine carts in there. I think I've ever seen that show. Oh, it's okay. I like rings a power. A little stuff. Yeah, but the Lord of the Rings is such. I have a red Lord of the Rings, so I don't know. People, we talked about this last week, but people who read the books and then a show or movie comes out about a book and people are always mad. But I've heard rings of power is very loosely based. It's pretty. It's pretty cool. It's the making of the rings. The merillian? Yeah, the merillian. Anyway, this is going to be crazy. This is the same thing as Percy, right? Oh my god. All right, all right. Hey, never mind. Get his name out of your mouth. Listen, and that's why I didn't go with the full name. Two separate beloved franchises. They are. They're very, very different. One is Greek myth, and one is James is wearing a Lord of the Rings shirt right now. You shall not pass the famous scene. James is literally always where we've touched. You've not watched Lord of the Rings. No, he wears different iterations. This is going to be the craziest episode you guys have ever seen. You're already on. We're already on each other. We're reading reject. We're burning each other. I heard someone like a teenager in line the other day go, what were you in line for? All right. He hates you right now. I heard the teenager goes, he's chopped Jenkins. He's low-key chug. What? Did you ask him what that means? No. Okay, we know chop. You can bring this down. What a chop. I don't know what chop is. Chopped is like old. Like you're out. I thought chop was ugly because if your own it's your own. Oh right. Yeah. Yeah. Chopped is ugly. Okay. Expand the rest. Jenkins. I have no idea. I think Jenkins comes from Uncle. So it's like Uncle Jenkins. Uncle Jenkins. At least Uncle. I'll decide that. I mean, he's low-key chud. What the hell is chud? Chud's just kind of like, yeah, you're a loser. Guys, put in the comments what chud means. It's not only, I will say it's not sounding low-key. People have started to misuse low-key a lot. That sounds very the opposite of low-key. Like a comet could hit earth and people be like, this is low-key bad. No, it's not. It's not low-key bad. It's pretty bad. You're so great. People have like, low-key started off in a good place where it's like, oh, yeah, it's like, oh, we're not all picking up how this is being read. It's like literally now. Yeah. Literally. I'm literally going to leave. I'm low-key going to leave. Some phrases are some of the ones. Do people still use cinema? Oh, cinema? Yeah, that's it. Oh, that's that's the Martin Scorsese. My favorite is a aura. I think aura farming is fucking awesome. That's such a perfect phrase for situations. I don't think I have that. So, you know, when someone's like vibing, like say you're at a party and someone's in the corner just looking really cool. Like maybe they have a cigarette. You know, like how I am when you see me like in social situations. Yeah, I definitely. Just like usually when you're not. That's just like a not a lot of people chatting with you though. Yeah, they're intimidated. Oh, yeah, yeah. I'm sucking up all of them. Because he's gonna burn people. If you're not actually doing something but you're looking really cool, it's aura farming because you're just like, oh, you're just there just like you're gaining like points. I thought you were like searching for the oras. No, like you think actively farming. No, he's farming his. I'm saying that chances like farming his oras, which makes me think do you do that on purpose so people comment on it? No, it's if you're aura farming on purpose, I've been like, uh, then then that's not a good aura. Yeah. Oh, we're only a few minutes into this episode and some of the comments are going to rip us to shred. Oh, yeah, yeah. And I'm trying to. I'm trying to show respect. I'm saying, hey, some of these phrases, I think, yeah, chute doesn't feel like a good. No, it's a nice stuff. It's self-explanatory. Chute is just like, yeah, your chute sounds like chote to me. I think that's where it derived from. Yeah, that's its origins. Cool. So chute is chote, which is sad. Chote Jenkins. Chote. Got it. Chote. So today, Orasha, you are Gen Z. So like, there's no excuse. No, that's why I know all of these. I don't think you're Gen Z. Whoa. I don't think you're Gen Z, babe. Um, if I was born in 2001, that doesn't make me Gen Z. I think you need to pull out. Were you born in 2009? So today, we're doing rejected sketches. We need a bloodate textbook. What are you watching out at textbook 2001? Yeah. Pull out Amanda. Don't even question it. I will forever question it. I'm basically Cole's age. Okay. Let's, we're going to school together. Yeah. So today, we're reading some, we wrote a bunch of sketches, or we pulled sketches from our past. Okay. Yeah. You're calling this rejected sketches, but as we've come to find out, some went hard. Hopefully, but they might end up being chopped. Yeah. There could be some chute sketches in here. We're not totally sure. No. I actually see I for some reason have gotten a pass. When you started saying 67, everyone was like, it's okay if she says it. Because it's like when you're teacher said, no, no, no, no, comments are like Amanda, stop it now. I didn't see those comments. People were like, no, this is funny. Okay. We were also all several months behind. I was saying it in such like a, I know this is dumb, right? Yeah. I was a, I was away. Yeah. I was away doing that thing. It's fine. Look, I, I think we're about to see it come up. I think millennial stock was down for a while. Really bad? Yeah, it's coming up. I think millennial futures are looking pretty good. I've seen a lot of millennial appreciation coming back. Really? They're like, you guys legalized gay marriage. Thank you. You got out of a housing crisis. Also, to be clear, you elected Obama twice. To be clear, our ringy phase is just not as well documented. Our, yeah, we had some bad shit. Sure. We don't get to pass and be like, you guys are awful. We weren't. Definitely. I think there's a good mix of everything, right? I think a lot of millennials have been like, oh, I was fucked up. And now I can see that I'm not fucked up. I think it's the whole cringe. I think it's the cringe thing. It's just like, yeah, we did wear wide brim hats and dance around fireplaces going, oh, like a lot. And like fake glasses and yeah, there was a time. Oh, those were bad. Fake glasses. I had some. Can I be honest? We can, we can make fun of chatting all that stuff. There was a time where I was at Disneyland. No, no. And we were, we got off California's screaming. And we're looking at the like photos of like when you're on the roller coaster and a kid and a guy my age at the time in front of me, their photo comes up and goes, oh, nice. Yolo. And I remember being like, that doesn't make sense. Oh, not a happy Yolo. I hated the phrase at the time, but I was like, no, you can't. No, look at a photo of yourself on a roller coaster. You just rode and go, Yolo wants. What? That doesn't work. That's supposed to be before you go on the roller coaster. You know, you know what? I'm scared. I'm scared to go on the roller coaster. Yolo. Sure. But he did it wrong. How was he millennial? Yeah, we were, this is, this is 2000. Some, this is many, this is many a year ago. He could have been something. He could have. This is this is still in Yolo's heyday. Like the Drake song had not been out that long. Right. So do I still get a massage at a place called Yolo? I do. Should we be these rejected sketches? All right. So Yolo massage is you. Yes, because I only live once and I need to get a massage once and all. Okay. Okay. And I offer it. I said, Mom, I want to get you a massage when you're here. And she's like, great. I'm like, you're going to go to Yolo. She's like, you kind of warned me. They were going to beat the shit. And then you come, you, you go back and they're like, oh, they're, they're closed for renovations. And it's now changed to chug, Jenkins, chop, massage. This episode of Smoshmouth is sponsored by Rocket Money. I was going through my banking statements and this is really embarrassing. But I was paying for subscription for months. And I completely forgot to cancel it. Oh, yeah. That is embarrassing. What? No, you're supposed to say, no, don't worry about it. That's not even that embarrassing. It's okay. You know what I'm actually going to say? You should be using Rocket Money. Rocket Money is a personal finance app that helps find and cancel your unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending, and helps lower your bills so you can grow your savings. Rocket Money has a clear dashboard and you can track all your subscriptions. and then with a few taps, it has the ability to cancel so you can start saving. I've been using rocket money for years and it gives me real-time alerts on anything, of upcoming bills, of things I might be missing. I am, I got everything in the know. Nothing slips by me now, thanks to rocket money. - Wow. - Yeah. - You're getting like a clear financial picture. I really need that. - Let rocket money help you reach your financial goals faster. Join at rocketmoney.com/smoshmouth. That's rocketmoney.com/smoshmouth. - rocketmoney.com/smoshmouth. Back to the show. - Let's go. - All right. - All right. - Another of our dumbass millennial humor. - Enough of this. - Who wants to go first with their rejected sketches? - Me. - Yay! - Oh, okay. - Yeah. - Me. - Okay, we'll split up now. - Me. - Me. - What is the four seasons, baby? - Yeah. - Speaking of four seasons, this sketch is called four. - Oh. - It, I went back through my sketch packets and this one was one that I wrote in college. - Oh, yeah. This has been scanned. - Oh, this is. - And it's rough. - Yeah, I mean, I'm sure it's great. - I don't think I laughed a single time when I read it. - I'm dead. - So this is vulnerable. So this is vulnerable because I was trying to make it fun. - Yeah, and actually incredibly bold and brave of you to also volunteer to go first with it. - Yeah, because the other ones are like so funny that you're gonna be like peeing your hands on shit. - Oh, okay. - But like this one, like-- - That's so wide. - Okay, I'm sure. - I'm gonna be pissed. - So you were, okay. - Okay, so cast it. - This one, I'm trying to make it funny. And this is like, how long had you been getting into comedy at this stage? - I think I was a sophomore in college. - Okay. - So I mean, I started improv in like middle school, but like-- - Oh my god. - Like the womb. - And sketch writing in, like let's say five years. - Okay. - It's too long to be dishing out this. - You're young, like-- - Okay, you're in college. We're reading it as chance is trying to be funny. - Yeah. - Yeah. - So who's cast-- - Got a few characters here. - So there's Danny, Maddie, Gabby, Yubie, Maddie, Yubie, Gabby, Yubie, Danny, got it. And then I'll be random student number one-- - Oh. - Humble. - And I'll be gay student number two. And you be, just like fill it in. There's a lot of random students. - Cool. - Okay. - Okay, you're gonna do speech. - There's gay number four and gay student number two. - A lot of, so-- - Yeah, I don't think, I think one of my bits is that I will skip people. All be like, okay, so there's gay number two, skip gay number three. There's a gay number four. Gay number three doesn't have any speaking lines. - Oh, I love it, so the casting is even a bit. - So it's a great, that's great. - That's great. - Do you want, do you want Stagee's red? Do you want to read those? Okay. - Okay. - So we can play any gay student. - You specifically can only play random student-- - Don't get that outside of the chat. - Then we shouldn't-- - That one can play, Shane and Arasha can play any gay student. - Okay. - Okay. - Great. - I'll play random student, which doesn't feel similar to me. Let's start. - Let's go. - Okay. - This is four, interior, lecture day, hall. Dozens of nervous students anxiously sit with laptops, notebooks, and writing utensils at the ready. Danny sitting in the front leans over to Maudi and Gabby. - Wasn't this class supposed to start 15 minutes ago? - Yeah, but I'm not leaving. The wait list for this class was insane. - Apparently, everyone who passes this class goes on to be insanely successful. The professor is a genius. - Whoa, really? But isn't this just intro to business? - It is, and-- - The door opens up, and everyone sucks in a breath as the room stills. The professor walks into the room holding a briefcase. He sets his briefcase on the desk, and he removes his coat and hat delicately, places them on the chair. He opens the briefcase and takes out a singular piece of chalk. He walks up to the dry erase board, holds up his chalk, and writes four. He stares at it for a moment, he nods, and without making eye contact with anyone in the room, he places the chalk back in the briefcase, dons his coat and hat, and walks out of the room. Beat, beat, someone coughs. - Is that it? - He just walked in and wrote four. - Yeah, he just walked in, wrote four, then walked out. - Beat. - This must be a test. - How is this a test? It's just one number. - I don't know, that's for us to figure out. Maybe he'll come back. - He took his stuff with him, so I don't think he's coming back. - Maybe he had to go to the bathroom? - With all his stuff? - What could four mean? - What do you mean what it could mean? It's the number four, it is what it is, one, two, three, four. - Yeah, but maybe we need to look deeper. There are four years of college. Okay, and? - Maybe four is the time he's coming back. Wouldn't he have written four o'clock? - No, no, we need to look deeper, you guys. - There are four called cardinal directions. Maybe we need to find him. - Okay, there's not enough direction to possibly even start to find him. We could split up. - And go where? What about for the Beyonce album? I'm gay. - That is their best one, I'm gay. - It is absolutely not how dare you. - Deeper you guys. - There are four gospels. - He looked Jewish. - Damn. - What if it's not a four, but an upside down age? - How would that make any more sense? - H is in Harvard. - H is in Howie Mandel. - H is in head on down to the catfish cabbage where we fry him up real good. - No way. - I told you a little joke from my school. - You guys, it's not an H, stop riffing on H. - Four horsemen of the apocalypse. That's four and eight. - Oh my god, four H. - Maybe there is a four H exhibition nearby. Quick Google. - Hey Siri, find four H competitions near me. - What if it doesn't mean anything? - It has to mean something. - I found eight results for forehead wrinkled reductions. - Oh my god. - No, Siri, not four head, four H, four head. Put your head on the four. - That's the key. It's gotta be. - She runs up full force in the head with the whiteboard hard. She falls back and hits the ground. He wouldn't. - End of sketch. - How is it? - I cannot catch fish cabin games. - I know, that was crazy. - I literally didn't even read that part. - Is it end, how does it end there? - What does it mean? - No, and there's no period after he wouldn't either. It's just he wouldn't and chance to stop typing. - Wait, I have my character. What does it mean? - How to pitch for how this could end. - Okay, let's hear it. - If that ends, she hits the board and then Danny's like, what the hell? And then also one of the students takes off a mask and it's the profession. He's like, it only took you four minutes. - If you don't stop it, that one's the answer. - To put your head together. - That was the answer. - To kill her. - So there wasn't like a single joke, really. I mean, there was. - It's just kind of a dilemma. - It's just crazy. - It wasn't anything. - It's a mystery. - I think there's also so much humor that we could only tell by looking at the script 'cause I love that there were all these random students. And then at some point, we just have random woman with blah, blah, blah. - She walked by the classroom, and just jumped in. - And you gave her the Gapish Gap in that. - I did. - I forgot that Gapish Gap was in this. I didn't read it so good. - That's crazy. - Mostly. - That is why. - Yeah, I don't, I think as a sketch, there needs to be more jokes, but I think this reads almost like a scene in a sitcom. Like a sitcom about college students, where they're like, yeah, this class is so hard to get into, and then the teacher comes and writes four and leaves. That's really funny. - That's such a good point. - Yes, feels like the setup of like, whoa, where at college, what's it going to be like? - Yeah. - Just like. - You're a sitcom writer. - Because I think it's pointing about how some professors are like, oh, they're the professor, they're so soft, and they're like so good. - Yeah. - So they're half-assing. - Yeah, they're so hard. - So the setup is very strong. Like, immediately, I felt like I was visualizing it. I can see this professor coming down the stairs of this briefcase. I knew what he looked like. Like, we have something here. - Yeah. - The gay students. - I like that you specified like gay students. - Because they're arguing about Beyonce. I don't know. - I was also-- - If you were arguing about Beyonce, I think I was also straight at this time. - I was going to say-- - I was straight at this time. - So my colleague arguing about Beyonce, me, the one arguing about Beyonce. - Yeah. - Wow. - All right, I enjoyed this. - What was the title of it? - Four. - Yeah. Oh, right. It's right here. Yeah. - Mm-hmm. - Great job. - Yay. - That was uprope. - The series joke? - I liked it. - No. - No, it wasn't bad. - No, it was bad. - The series joke was cute. - Did you ever read this out loud back in the day? - I think I did with my sketch group, ODB, in college. - ODB. - Old dirty bastard. - But it was out de box. It was what it said for. - That's cute. - In college or like any like early on sketch group, you're reading rough sketches all the time. - Oh, yeah. - Like more often than. - It was so interesting because. So there were two main sketch groups at Northwestern. One group was set up by Second City alum, so it was like really legit. Like the writer process, the audition process, it was super legit. - Wow. - It was awesome. And it was like super like, if you got in this group, you couldn't be in, it counted as like the school curriculum show, so you couldn't be in an outside school curriculum show. - Oh. - 'Cause you have rehearsals, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, six to ten. - So much. You didn't have a social life at all. - That is your school. - I still did, but you got out of that. - No, then rehearsals for Acapella or improv were 10, I'm getting my schedule exam. Six to 10 and 10 to 12 were improv and Acapella for rehearsals. - And then you had 8 am's the next morning for class? - I did 9 am Spanish class, Monday, Wednesday, Friday, and then Tuesday's, I usually did an 11 o'clock class. - Oh my god. - Think about our schedules back in the day. - We were going hot until we think we're busy now. - Yeah. - And then it was like full pack day and then afterwards rehearsals, extracurriculars, eating dinner, doing homework? - Yeah, eating dinner was like top ramen and an Oreo. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, college. - That's crazy. - Wow. - The other group that I wrote it for was the black group. It was like the diverse group. And so it was less set up and less funded. And it was honestly, I thought it was way funnier than the other group. Like, people weren't designed to think a certain way. So the sketches they would write were just so out there and different and fun and not contrived, basically. - I love that. - Yeah, like an actual POV on things. - Yeah, yeah. - Yeah. - Okay, pause. Do you guys remember this movie? You guys are like, what is that? I'm like, it's a DVD grow up. Okay, so I wrote a musical about this movie, based on this movie, and it comes out April 5th and 6th at Dynasty typewriter. You can live stream it anywhere in the world, April 6th at Dynasty.tv or watch live and person at Dynasty typewriter in Los Angeles, the city of angels, the city of love. Ooh, it's a musical coming to you. - Before we move on, I think of improv troops and sketch groups. I saw an ad for like a sketch show the other day, which you see all the time in LA. And I realized like improv face is such a real thing of like, there's every single show. Of like, oh, here's this improv or this sketch show. There's a white guy doing this. - Mm-hmm. - Stop. - Why? Every time I'm like, they know. It's like that's the one, you will see it every time. - I know. - They're in a plaid shirt and they're going of this. - Oh, that's not just improv. - Literally that's Boston Improv. - It's all improv. - Why? - Improv Boston. - I have no problem with it. I'm just kind of fascinated of like, what is the correlation there? - What does that happen every time? - It's eyebrows up, mouth, tight, just like. - I don't mean. - That's not exclusive to improv. That guy's literally everywhere. - I guess that's also just a very bad. - That's also just a white guy face. - Yeah, yeah. - But it's very specific with it. - Yeah, that's exactly how improv groups on the East Coast are. (laughing) - That's what you do. - You do. - You do. - So my sketch is, I wrote these stream of conscious. I did not reread them. - Oh, you want to go next? - I'm down to going next. - Yeah, he's going. - Yeah. I could, but no, I think you've got your sketches in hand. Let's do you. - Yeah, let's do it. - Okay, I wrote two and they are probably bad. - Great. - I don't remember. - Okay. - Let's read this one first and then we'll go to reverse one. - No bad sketches. - This is a stream of conscious. - Thank you. - Conscious. - Oh, actually, the whole conscious. - Oh, good. Take one, pass it down. - So there's two characters in this, Mark and Joanne. - Great names. - Amanda, why don't you be Joanne and chance you can be Mark. - Great. - And always the understudy. - Do you want to read, do you want to read Stagia? - Yeah, Stagia's awesome. - And I'll just hang out and be a viewer. - Stagia's actually so. - I would love to. - Okay. - Yeah, that's great. There's spelling errors, just read them as is. - We'll call it out. - Great. - Do not fix them. - Good job. - Do not fix them. And yeah, they are, I'll give you a little bit of a, this is a rock and roll marathon. - That's really hard for me 'cause I'm like, really solution oriented. So like, oh. - Too bad. - Get in here. And these are both the announcers for the end of the marathon race. - Heard. - And they're talking about the finalists as they're running. - Got it. - Very upbeat. - Yeah. - Have a great time. - Love it. - All right. Go ahead. - Next year, your marathon finish line day. We hear Mark and Joanne announcing the winners of the Phoenix Rock and Roll Marathon. - It's a bright sunny day here in Phoenix as the first finishers of the Rock and Roll Marathon are just about around the corner. - These runners have been training day after day for months, leading up to this point. Oh, and I see our first one now. - We see a road runner zipping down the road. - Oh, that actually appears to be a road runner. One of the native birds here in Arizona. Gorgeous creatures. - Well, I guess it won't count, but I'm sure impressed by the speed. He's taking gold in my eyes. - Same here, Joanna. Oh, and we have another runner coming around the corner. Oh, never mind, it's just a coyote. Another one of the beautiful animals native to this desert climate. - And it appears the coyote has a rocket strap to its back, propelling it forward at an immensely fast pace. - Not quite enough to catch up to the road runner, unfortunately, just out of reach. - Oh, and it looks like the coyote's rocket has malfunctioned, launching him off the road and right into a large boulder. - And it looks like the impact has turned him into some sort of accordion. - Oh, isn't nature wonderful? - It sure is, Joanna. And here comes our first official human runner. First place is theirs for the taking. - She's moving at an incredible pace. Number 31, Laurie Strode. Ladies and gentlemen, she appears to be limping, but she's not giving up now. - You can see the adrenaline pushing her harder than ever. - Oh, and our next runner isn't far behind, despite moving at a very slow, almost walking pace. - I'm getting word that the runner's name is Michael Myers, and despite for going running for walking instead, is somehow miraculously closing in on Laurie for first place. - Yeah, Laurie appears to be desperately screaming for help, but this is a competition and you must finish it on your own. And Laurie finishes. Congratulations on first place. - Oh, but she's not done yet. It looks like Laurie is continuing to run past the line and into the crowds. - And Michael Myers has finished in second place and is also continuing on. Probably in hopes of congratulating Laurie on the win. - Oh, that's the type of sportsmanship you'd like to see. - Next up around the corner, opting for a very unusual outfit for such a hot day, dressed in khaki pants and a leather jacket, it's Indiana Jones. - Oh, he appears to be holding some form of idle. - Well, if he continues at this pace, he'll be getting another treasure. And that being the bronze medal, of course. - Oh, but right behind him, it's a giant boulder, rolling at an incredible speed. - This is why they call it the rock and roll marathon, Joanne. - I always thought it was because of the cover bands placed throughout the race. - What? - No, why would you think that? - Yeah, I don't know. Are you drunk? - Yeah. - Same. (laughing) - And scene. - Wow. - And scene. - Wow. - Yeah. - Oh my God. - Love. - This is so, yeah. - Yeah, I loved it. - Wait, it's a great premon. - I know what it is. - It's my cousin. - It is. - My cousin to like go after her for longer. And I just wanted them to not just be like, wow, what good sportsmanship that is. - Yeah. - Like keeping up with, like she's now going down like different roads and they somehow still have cameras on her, even though she's down with the city. - She's running into her basement. (laughing) - To the gas station. - Yes, I agree, 'cause the part that made me laugh was, you know, like them assuming that this is all endearing. Like, oh, he's probably wanting to congratulate her on the wind. - Yeah. - I love that they're drunk because it makes me think that they're so fucked up. - Yeah. - Oh, no, they don't even see it. - It's only runners and they're not seeing that. - They're not even at a race. They're just watching this happen in front of them. - Oh my God. - They're so sad. - They're like, turn this off. - That's a funny separate sketch of two announcers who accidentally took shrooms beforehand or acid. And they're like, and next up coming is, you're not gonna believe we're talking about it. - Yeah, and it's some sort of fucking turtle. - It's indignation. - It's morphing, it's moving, it's moving, it's moving. - That's amazing. Yeah. - Yeah. - This could definitely go in a lot of different places. You got something good here. - Yeah, I was just laughing at the imagery of Michael Myers just walking and chasing someone. - Yeah, there was a good-- - And she's like winning the race. - Yeah. - Yeah. - Tell me how this sportsmanship is so incredible. - Yeah. - And now he's giving her a hug with a nice hand. - With a nice hand. - Yeah, with her hands. - Her neck. - Her neck. - Oh, what? - He's giving her CPR with a nice hug. - And that's the bond that you see with runners. You know, it's a different thing. - Oh, and he's letting her lay there 'cause she's tired. - Yeah. - She wants to rest. - Make sure to give her a banana. - Yeah. - I love this. - What was the title? - Thanks. - Marathon, rock and roll marathon. - Rock and roll marathon. - Oh my God. Walking epic. - Yeah. - The biggest rock and roll marathon is cool. - I do want to cut to the rock and roll bands. - Just one of the bands, just like. - And like keep going. - Keep going. - My problem is I would stop. - Oh, I'm running and appreciate it. - Before me, I'd be like, I got to stop. - Yeah. - Thank you for sharing that chain. - You're welcome. - This is the vulnerability. - Oh, I can't wait. - And speaking of worse, let's get into this sketch. - Well, well, let's see how it goes. - Well, well, well, okay. This is. - And you wrote this to me. - This is stupid. - I wrote this recently. This is called chicken. - Good. - And that's just what it's going to be. I will be woman. - Great. - I wrote the first line, it would be loud. - Yeah, so, and then, you know, that's great chain. I'll have you do drive through that. That'd be great. - Yes. - Both of that. - And then, chance, I'm going to have you be supervisor. They come in later and then Amanda, you're going to be stage direction. - Oh, great. - So everybody's got a part here. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Yeah, but drive through is crazy. 'Cause that's the name of the sketch. That's my character. - That's crazy. - And it is crazy. - Okay. - The titular roll. - Okay, we ready? (laughs) - Exterior, a drive through. Here we go. My first drive through ever. She pulls up to a Wendy's drive through. - Chicken, chicken, chicken, which combo you picking? - I can't. - What? - I can't finish a whole combo. - You don't have to get a combo. - Look, kid, I can only eat two chicken fingers, max. I'm setting a boundary. - That's totally fine. - All right. - Can I just please take your order? - That's not fair. - What, what's not fair? - Why do you get to take my order? If I'm paying, I should keep it. No matter how few chicken fingers I can eat. - Okay, you keep misunderstanding me. I'm just trying to get your food. Get you your food. Unique. to stop yelling at me, sir. You're the only one who's yelling, ma'am. How dare you call me ma'am. This is a casual drive-through interaction. I'm doing great. That's fine. All right, I'm getting my supervisor. Super. What's the problem here? This guy's forcing me to get a combo. That's not true. He said get a combo where I'm going to kill your kids. James, that's incredibly inappropriate. Why would you say that? Why would you say that, James? Why, James? I did not say that. I didn't say anything about your kids. I didn't even know you had kids. Oh, why, yes I do. She pulls out photos of her children. This is Kyle and Pyle. They're six and seven. Can you see? The drive-through camera is pretty grainy, but they sound precious just from their names. Yeah, Pyle's a great name for a kid. Oh, shut up, James. Yeah, James, you got to stop forcing women to hog down your combos. What the fuck is wrong with you? I was just reading the script that we used for customers in the drive-through. Chicken, chicken, chicken, which combo you pick in. I can't. I knew you were a piece of shit. I just didn't know that you were this big of a piece of shit. You're a surprising amount of piece of shit. You're not even a piece anymore, James. You're a pile. Pyle! That's it. You're fired. But mom, that's enough, James. Oh, my God. Go upstairs to your room. I hate that we limit Wendy's. Please pull up to the second window, dear. Woman pulls up as we hear Supervisor slap, James, and reveal a Wendy's. But the interior is a house with a couch, TV, and stairs leading up to the bedrooms. We hear a headset being taken off as James stomps up to his room at the Wendy's then. We are so sorry to hear about that. Here you go. Two chicken fingers. Thank you for actually being kind and listening. You have a wonderful home. Well, thank you so much for coming to Wendy's. You drive safe. Thank you. And you drive through. Woman drives off. Wow. Incredible. I love switchups like that. Oh, thanks. The Supervisor was a woman, and that's the riddle. And that's the riddle. Yes. And I think your character is so works. Absolutely. Yeah, 100%. OK, inspiration? Yeah, what the hell happened? OK, so as you may know, I actually used to work at a raising canes. Yes. I did not know that. Yes, we-- you've talked about this lore on Sposhroth, I thought. I'd believe so, maybe. Didn't we go through our jobs at some point? Maybe not. Selena's not remembering it. So maybe not. But I know you've told me this story. And it's-- do you've got some tales? I've got-- yes, I do. And who knows? But do you have some ideas? Sorry. He said, but do you have some wings? Or do you have fingers? Hey. OK, I like that. I like that. So working at raising canes is the inspiration. I, of course, made this a Wendy's, but at raising canes, this is truly what you say in the drive-through when customers come through is. You have technically a sheet. And you can choose from sayings. And I chose the coolest one, which was, hey, what's kick-in, want some chicken. That's the coolest one of the bunch, you guys. That's pretty cool. Yeah, it's cool. It's cool. The other one was, what's up, fucker? No, literally, other ones were like, no, literally, it was like, fuck, fuck, fuck. Like, how do you want to spend your buck, buck, buck? Like crazy, cringy, cringy, cringy. I would drive out of the drive-through. Right, smashing all the cars. I'd be like, no, I don't want raising canes anymore. But the second most utilized one was chicken, chicken, chicken, which combo you pick in. So I-- Would you say it really fast to get it over with? Chicken, chicken, chicken, what do you call it? Yeah, so when you're working the drive, you know, you have the headsets and everybody. And it's like, the system is like, you can sort of press the button. And then you hear them. And your mic is active, like, the pop star mic. But then if you press the button, it's not active anymore. So at a certain point, everyone would get-- you know, once you got casual with the drive-through, you'd just be like, laughing with your buzz. And then you'd be like, chicken, chicken, chicken, which combo you pick in. Yeah, no, that's crazy. That's crazy. Yeah, OK, Diet Coke. And it was just like what the vibes were, like, once you learned. And I had only worked there for three months. I really didn't last long. But the drive-through was the most stressful part of my job. It was awful. It's actually terrible. Because you're doing that. You're bantering with your co-workers. You're putting stuff in. You're also filling up the drinks. You're also taking another customer's payment. And you have to just be chill the whole time. Yeah. Really bad and really scary. So I decided to write it out. And the people are insane. Like, the people rolling through, you're going to deal with someone who's awful every day. Yeah. I mean, I will say I didn't-- I don't remember that many rude people. Oh, that's nice. I remember actually laughing a lot. Because what would happen so often was people would roll up to the second window. They'd pay. And then they'd drive off. And they'd forget their food. They forget their food. Like, I forgot my chain. And then they'd just come back around and they'd be like, so sorry about that. I got a drop in my car. Oh, that's impossible for me. Yeah. Because when I'm at a drive-through, I'm usually so hungry. Right. I'm like, I'm so hungry right now. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I'm going to get-- And he says, do I like that they lived there? Do you guys make the sauce in house? The raising can't sauce, dude. The cane sauce is so good. I want to say I signed. I didn't actually sign. But I signed some sort of-- The D.A. I was like, don't tell. Don't tell the secret sauce. Whatever. It was like ketchup and-- It's truly ketchup and stuff. Yeah. Mayo probably-- It's not a complicated sauce. It's just delicious. I love it. It's just getting really hungry. I don't really have a hungry here. I prefer a X-beast, though. Whoa. I've heard people talk about-- There's so many more sauces. Are you kidding me? I'm a sauce fan. I heard people talking shit about raising canes online. The other day, and I was like, look, I can't defend it. Because the chicken itself has no flavor. No seasoning. What's the one that you like? It's the sauce. It's the sauce. And it's the toast. The sauce toast is crazy. Let's talk about that text toast. And you know what they got? The X-beast, too. And they got it on the clock. And you're going to have a sandwich. Oh my god. I know. I love it. I love it. No, it's a fried chicken. I am obsessed with fried chicken. It's in the south of the lot. A lot around the south. OK, never in the x-beast. And the next time I'm rolling through the south, ever, if we do shows, there's-- I'd love to see you rolling through the south. I'll roll through the south. No, the food. OK, Nashville. Oh my god, Nashville. No, the food is just so fucking. Did you say no? No, I said, I said, like, no, yeah, no, yeah, no, yeah, no, yeah, no. Yeah, no, no, we're going. Let's go. No, yeah. Oh my god. Ah, now I want fried chicken. OK, sorry. OK, I want this kid and gravy. I want this kid and gravy. Sorry, everybody. What they're offering, but I love it. Yeah, I'm fine with it. And I'm sorry, I'm still going to go on Zaxby's. They're similar fries to Cain's, but they're seasoned. They're like, they got this special fried season. Crinkle cut needs to be seasoned a little bit. 100%. And it can hold it, too. It's got the creases to how it's out. That's funny. I said, I talked shit about this a while ago about pastas. And I'm like, how are pastas really that different based on their shape? What? I'm hypocritical for saying that because fried fries are so fucking different based on their shape. Oh, it's how they hold the soft. Don't get me started on spuds, but it's crazy though. Like how different you cut a fry. It's a completely different game. It sure is, it sure is. All right, so this one's got your name on it, so you are out. Okay. No. Fried for all different. Okay, guys, so this I wrote yesterday. It's way too long. It's so-- Amanda, this is a book. I don't care. OK. You've been read any velvet wrapped steel in here. This is inspired by something that really happened, but of course it's a sketch, so it went to a fun place. So you heightened it. So I'm dying to read the main characters, but I'm not going to. I'm going to read stage and manager. You can read whatever you want. Because I like all the characters so much. You can be the main character. If it has to be read a certain way, you know? But if you feel like one of us will pick up on it, then that's OK. Just do it. OK. I'm going to-- Jesus, I'm such a child. You got it. I'm going to play Laurie. You're going to play Richard. Shane, I want you to play-- I want you to play manager. Arosha, can you play woman? And I'm going to read-- I'm so sorry. That's not-- No, it's OK. I'm going to read-- It's fine. This is me being a psycho. No, I love this. Just two into it. And I'm going to read stage as well. The stage is like also just part of it. OK. OK. Reward. By a manly-- You're proud of this one, I love it. Jesus Christ. I don't know if I am proud of this one. But I had a really good time writing it. Interior Sprouts, which is a grocery store. Interior Sprouts Day. Two grocery store employees, Richard and Laurie, are in the middle of scanning a woman's groceries. Richard scans a plastic bag full of nuts and looks up at the woman. Did you get the barcode for these nuts? Oh, shoot, I didn't. Well, then I can't scan it. Laurie stops unfolding a paper bag. Let me see the nuts, Richard. Richard hands her the bag of nuts. Oh, these are the raw pine nuts. Yeah, I think the number for these nuts is-- Oh, the number is-- Oh, wait, wait, wait, I know this. What is the blue number? Oh, wait. I know it. I know it. God, what is the number? Oh, man. Richard stands there, eyes dead, staring at Laurie. Because this happens all the time. With the pine nuts, people don't get the barcode, which is totally fine, because it's usually hidden. But, oh, man, it's on the tip of my tongue. Oh. - What is it? - I can go run and check real quick if you need. - No, it's fine, ma'am. I'll just look it up. Lori, I'm looking it up. - Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. It's, oh, it's five. Oh, wait. Oh, okay, it's five, five, one, six, four, seven, eight, one, zero. Got it. Richard blinks twice slowly, then turns to register and types in the code. Lori is very proud of herself. New I had it. - Richard finishes scanning all of the woman's groceries. - Did you want to use your reward points? The system is showing me based on your account that you have 10 reward points, which you could equal $2 off your haul today. - Oh, I think I'll just keep stacking the rewards up. Lori stops bagging immediately. Ma'am, you know those reward points expire. So if you don't use them, then it's just, they'll be gone. It's crazy that customers don't know that. Oh, yeah, I had no idea. - That's not true. Sprouts for reward points don't ever expire. - Lori has taken it back. What? Yes, they do. - No, they don't, Lori. I've had mine since October and they rolled over into the next year. - What? No, no. I had like 100 reward points last year and I didn't want to lose them, so I had to use them on stakes for my dad's retirement party. But I would have saved them and used them for this big month because I'm having a big birthday. - Lori, they don't expire. I have five hundred and 45 points that I haven't touched. So when I finally use them, I'm basically going to get all my groceries for free plus my employee discount. So I'll be walking out here with a free haul. - No. - Yes. - That's impossible. I was told. - You were misinformed, Lori. All employees know that rewards don't expire. - Yes, they do expire. Don't waste the rewards, Richard. Beat of Lori staring intensely at the side of Richard's face. He doesn't take his eyes off the woman. - Okay, yeah, you know what? I'll use my reward points. Why not? I don't come here that often and having two dollars off is a deal. - That's the right decision. - Lori finishes bagging her groceries, Richard aggressively plugs in numbers into the register. - You're wasting your reward. - The woman awkwardly laughs. Richard takes her credit card and prints out her receipt. Richard, she wants to use her reward because she doesn't want to lose her points and miss out. - Well, I guess that decision has been made with false information. - No, it's true information. - It's false. - True. - False. - False. - Liar. - Bitch. Beat. (laughs) - Okay, thanks. - Woman grabs her grocery bags and politely walks out while Richard and Lori stare at each other intensely. - So, bitch, your birthday's coming up. (laughs) - Yep. And come to think of it. I don't need my reward points to enjoy the day because you can't really bring anything with you when you are riding huge, beautiful horses through a flower farm. - Oh, I know all about your birthday plans because everyone who was invited at work can't shut up about it. - Oh, uh-huh. - Yeah, and come to think of it. I didn't know they allowed mean bitches to ride horses. - Oh, oh, and I didn't know they allowed ugly monsters to scan groceries. - Oh, yeah? Well, I didn't know that they allowed annoying hookers to even be anywhere near a calming gorgeous animal like a horse. - Oh, oh, oh, yeah? Well, I didn't know that they allowed the saddest, nastiest man in the room to even have the privilege of speaking to me. That's why I didn't invite you because you're so goddamn sad. - Richard stiffens his whole body and headbutts Lori. - Oh, my God. - Lori pulls back in shock. With blood pouring down her face, she grabs a paper bag and slashes Richard's face. - Oh, my God, oh! - They don't hold back. Lori has Richard up in the air above her while Richard kicks and kicks his feet. They sooner tumbling on the checkout conveyor belt, pulling each other's hair and screaming. Eventually, and I mean eventually, the manager comes over. - Guys, guys, guys, guys, stop, stop it, stop it. - He kind of tries to pull them off each other, but it's almost like he doesn't have the will before the screen. - Whoa. - You guys can't do this, okay? They're customers. They're people watching, okay, stop, stop. - They finally stop and collect themselves. Lori wipes blood from her nose and Richard takes off his mangled glasses and places them in his pocket. - What is this all about? - Do the reward points expire? - Or do they roll over and you can bank them so one grocery ship you get basically get the entire haul for free, including your employees discount. - The reward points expire, but we roll your points over, Richard, because you never use them and we don't want you to take away that. We don't want to take that perk away from you. - Richard is stunned. Lori is victorious. - Oh, so the structure of the reward points was specific to me? - Yeah, pretty much. And Amy, because she lost her card months ago and it's easier this way when they, then to tell her the truth. - We see Amy walking by with a handful of milks smiling. - Oh, that's thoughtful, thanks. - So use them up, Richard. And guys, please don't do that again. This job is hard enough. - Yes, sir. - Oh, also, Lori, I can't come to your birthday. I get motion sickness on horses, but thanks for coming over to my home and personally inviting me at my front door during dinner with my wife and kids. That was a lot of fun. - Manager walks away. Richard turns to Lori. - I guess you win. - Yeah, I do win. Thanks for recognizing that. Lori goes to walk away. Hey, Richard. - It's okay. I don't feel comfortable being that high up on a horse. I barely know anyways. - Oh, I wasn't gonna invite you to my birthday party. I just wanted to say all the boars head meets are on sale if you wanted to use your reward points there. You could get a lot. - Thanks. I do love pepper turkey. - Nice. Lori walks away. Cut to interior manager's office same day. We see him on his computer typing in Google. Top rated white sand beaches in the tropics. With those cool huts that are on the jetty and those sandals commercials. Peena Kalata type hotel affordable, clean. We then see his face and he's smiling relieved. - One day I'll get my reward. - Blackout. - What? What? - Wow. - Okay, so they fight. - You fight? - This thing got a bullet. - You don't want to act. - I can't say. - You wrote a pilot. - Okay, I was having, wait, I wanted it to go further. - Yeah. - I was gonna have a whole other ending. - No, this is great. - Okay, so-- - I love Lori. - Yes, this is awesome. - Lori takes her job very seriously. - If you actually wanted to just shorten it and make it a sketch, though the nuts was hilarious at the beginning and showed us exactly-- - Be sure that I was reaching the realm. - I would say you could get straight. - Straight with the reward point. - You could get straight into that. "Oh, and did you want to use your rewards?" But the nuts is awesome because it shows us that she's insane. - That was gonna be the whole sketch. - Me too. - But they were just gonna be waiting for it. - No, I know. - I thought that was it. - And I knew it was always gonna be about the reward points, I was having so much fun writing the nut bit. - Yeah. - And while we were reading it, I was like, "Okay, the nut bits too." That was me just indulging way too hard in myself. - I mean, you could like stupidly come back to it and you could like call her nuts and she can be like, "Don't joke about my nuts, you know." - It does establish her character, though. - That's the only reason why I wrote it. - Yeah, like I said, this is the beginning of a pilot more than a sketch. - Yeah. - Okay, so I did actually go grocery shopping and there was two people. There was a man, a really tall, long man, with like a lanyard and like a shorter woman who was just like really into it. And they had a little bit of a better argument about reward points. - Whoa. - She was like, "Do you wanna use your reward points?" And I was like, "No, I don't really have enough." And she's like, "It's crazy that you don't know that these could expire." - I love-- - She's up. - That's as far as the line. - I love checking out at a grocery store where they're bantering between each other. It happens a lot. What usually happens is they're talking shit. Like they're talking shit about someone else. Like something will happen. They'll be like, "Can you fucking believe this shit?" - Yes. - Can you believe what, like, yeah, like whatever. Like I'm doing this, I'm doing my thing. - Yes. - And they're bothering me. And I'm sitting there just like. - Yeah. - They're kind of hard as in their own. - But this guy literally was, it was like he was a ghost. He was just like, "No, they don't expire." And she was like, "Yeah, they do." - I love it. - And it was just like a back and forth and I was like, "Okay, what if they just. " But then once I brought in the manager, I was like, "I wanna see his whole story." - Oh no, that was a great, that was an awesome bite. - I just love a manager who slowly walks up to people beating the shit out of each other. He's like, "Can I stop?" - Yeah. - Hey, cut it out. - You love telling into anyone's story. Like it's hard for you to let any small character just go. - Yeah, this was my biggest issue with writing sketches is I would go so hard, deep onto characters. And they're like, "Yes." - You brought up that thing and I wanted to go there. I struggled to like. - I feel like the next time you do this, you should just keep going and go until you hit 60 pages. And then just send it to an age. - Yeah, that's funny. - Don't even read it. - You're like I've written, yeah. - I feel like I have that similar problem sometimes with sketches where like for me, it's funny that you brought up like writing things like kind of like a sitcom sometimes. 'Cause I feel like I do that too where I put so many different games and I just end up stacking all these different stories, these different plot lines and all of these different things are different jokes. And it ends up just being very difficult to keep track. 'Cause you're like, similarly, you're like, "Wait, where are the nuts? "What happened to this and what happened to that?" And it's really hard to keep it so cohesive. So I definitely relate to that. - That's so interesting. Mine's like, I think I have the opposite problem where like when I'm writing a sketch, everyone is in service to the sketch, it's not true enough to each character. And then I have to go through like, especially when I'm writing like pilots or things, I have to go through and differentiate the character's voices 'cause they all start to sound the same 'cause they're all serving the same. - I think is that just from like someone who's, You like to write game and then you're a man and you're such a character person. - Yeah, like I struggled to find the game. - But it's just like where you're like brain going. - I go off on, 'cause like an alternate ending, my first initial got and then I was like, I can't, this is gonna go way too long, but I wanted the manager to secretly be fucking with Lori the whole time. - That's funny. - He's writing to like the head of Sprouts being like, make sure that you keep expiring Lori's point. - Yes, yes, yes. - And then you find that he has like, he's like this evil villain guy. And then I was like, I can't go further. - Yep. - So I actually, the game of it all, I don't often think of it when I'm writing sketch. - Mm-hmm. - Which is like my work that I gotta figure out. - I feel the same way. You gotta like find it once you're actually in it. That's like, what's working? What is making me laugh in this? - But I was laughing a lot when I was writing this. - I believe it. It's just like, I don't know. If they don't like it, I had a good time writing it. - Hell yeah. - I loved it. - Awesome. - Yay. - Chance, you wanna go next or should I go? Okay. - Okay, I'll give you two options. These were both rejected. These are both from my SNL writers package. - Yay. - And they were both rejected by SNL. - Yay. - Wow. - So these are some that you feel proud of though. - These are some that I feel proud of. Their one is like a, one is called understudy and it's about like, it's like one quirky girl in a stage show that she's at a place. The other one is called Bachelor Dino Date. It's like Bachelor and they're talking about dinos. - I know which one of Roshan wants. I know which one I want. - I don't know. You pick. - It's your show. - No, no, no, no. - Yes. - No, you guys are the guests. You decide. - Understudy. - That's what I was gonna choose. - Oh my God. Yay. - I was just about to choose it too, if you didn't choose it. - I feel like I said that word earlier, so it feels like I'm-- - I heard it and that's what I was like. - Yes, I'm Aura Farming. - Okay. (laughing) - No. - Fuck. I personally love this sketch. My old manager who actually reps someone who was on SNL, he hated this one, so I was like, okay, whatever. - Well, we're gonna love it. - He really didn't like it. - I'm excited. - I'm gonna give you a yes, please. - Okay, you're definitely being understudy. - Great. - And her name is Rachel. - No, no, her name is understudy. - Understudy. - Yeah, no, of course. Don't fix that off. - You'd be Rachel. - Yes. - Charles. - Great. - And then I'll be everyone else. - Well, let's start. - Okay. - If there's anyone else. - And you do stage. - Yes, and I'll do stage. Okay, here we go. This is understudy. Interior theater. A production of the musical Chicago is underway. The orchestra is playing the opening of the cell block tango. - Dunk. (singing) - The director fanically runs up to the tech booth and talks to Charles, the lights and sound guy. - Charles, one of the actresses just had a really bad yogurt incident backstage, so we are sending in the understudy for cell block tango. - Oh, Jesus, is she okay? Also yogurt incident. - Giovanni. - Say no more. Understudy is going in, got it. - Here they come. - The six ladies come out one at a time. Lady one comes out, she's a sexy, she's professional. Pop. Lady two comes out, equally gorgeous, equally professional. Six. The understudy comes out and she's wearing a fake beard. She comes out like a person doing a bit walk. - Squish. - The ladies continue their intros muted. - Is she wearing a fake beard? - Yes, yes, she is. Mother of fuck, she's a comedian. Do you still have the resumes? - I'm the lighting guy, of course I do. Charles has her resume. (laughing) - It's worse than I thought, she's not just a comedian. She's a girl who won class clown in high school and based her entire adult identity on that one superlative. - Well, I mean, it's just one solo. She can't fuck it up that bad. Cut to the stage, she's handing it up. - Now I'm standing in the kitchen. I'm carving up the chicken for dinner, mining my own business. - So far so good. - And in storms my husband Wilbur in a jealous rage. Can I get a suggestion of a profession? - She didn't just ask for a suggestion during a scripted performance. - Unfortunately, she did. It says here on her resume, she took almost three full improv classes. She didn't finish the third because she self-proclaimed herself homophobic. (laughing) - She can't just keep going, what about the orchestra? - They're vamping until the queue line. - She can go as long as she wants. We are at her mercy. - Anything at all. Like firemen or therapist or butthole inspector. - Awkward beat, the audience doesn't know what to do. - Yell out milkman, the actual line is milkman. - Milkman. - No, no, no, that's cheating, Charles. Come on, any profession, okay? You can say butthole inspector. - Pediatrician? - Pediatrician, yes, thank you. You've been screwing the pediatrician. My husband said, he was crazy and he kept on screaming. And then I told him, that's not true. My feet are just fine. I haven't even needed to go to the pediatrician in years. - What? (laughing) - Jesus Christ, I don't think she knows what a pediatrician is. - No way. - I've always had really great feet. That's why I assumed my husband was jealous of the alleged feet doctor I was sleeping with. - Let me pull the lights. Please, for the love of sweet little baby God. Let me pull the lights. - Contracts, Charles. Hmm, besides, she's only got one line left. (laughing) - The two dots are just like that. (laughing) - Hmm, besides, she's only got one line left technically. And it's the queue line. Come on, you well-o-wells, as bitch. Say it, say your god damn line. And then he ran into my knife. - The orchestra stops vamping. - Yes. - He ran into my knife 10 times. And then you know what happened next. - And the orchestra comes back in. - No, wait, hold up, I'm not done. - Orchestra stops again. - You know what happened next? Boy, he ran into my knife 10 more times. I said, bitch, you're gonna talk to me like that? I don't think so, honey. - Oh no. - She's running about out of ideas. So no, she's improvising in a black sense. And in terms, she hears her gay friends. - Oh my god, I hate you. My mouth said, bruh, bruh, bruh, bruh. And bitch, I can't just ask, uh, it felt so good. I was like licking the damn knife, girl. And it was just like, when I licked that knife in Paris, lights up on a Parisian kitchen. - What was she doing? - Fuck, she had a one woman show with the fringe. I think she's trying to slip that into the show. - Oh my god. - The other actresses on stage began to sit down and get a little more comfy. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. How lovely it is to be here in the city of lights. Paris, I'm in Paris. And yes, Paris here with my baguettes. - Understood, he holds up one of the police batons that was on stage. Rachel looks at the resume. - Prop, comic. Rachel holds up the resume. And it says prop, comic, can big letters. - Yep. - She's doing everything. She's doing literally the most. And for what? - One of the other actresses pulls out her phone and begins to text on stage. - Understood, he perceives to mine, eating the baton. - And now the other actresses are giving up. Yummy, yummy, me like this baguette. - Rachel, what's happening now? - I, I don't know. Her resume doesn't cover this one. - Rachel's phone begins to ring. - Ring, ring, ring. - Oh my god. The big time Broadway lawyers are calling me. - She answers her flip phone. - Hello? Yes, I know. But, but, but the contracts. - One, one, one, one. - Okay, I understand. Thank you, goodbye. - What did they say? They love her performance. They said, quote, it's slaps. It's gonna be added to every production of Chicago, but you're on out. - God help us. - Boy. - Boy. - Boy. - Boy. - My next thing, bruh, bruh. - I love how at the start of this, you were like, Amanda, you have to be. - You know what it is, Chance? - This is right. - This is right. - I'm the story. This is hilarious. And I think upon just reading it and not getting the vibrant performances that you got today, I think that is maybe what was the gap. - Yeah. - But it's, but it's very funny. - It's so super silly. - Wow. - Super silly concept. - Wow. - My knife said, bruh, bruh, bruh, bruh. - Bitch, I carved his hand. (laughing) - That is so good. - I love it. - It's so fun. - It's so fun. - The clown, the one woman show lights up in Paris. - Paris. - Ooh. - No, don't verbalize the set that you were going to. - Yeah, no. - It's not a one woman show. - But it was perfect set up. New exactly what was happening. - I love that. - I love that. - I love that. - Wow. - Oi, oi. - Oi, oi. - It's me in Paris. - Oi, oi. - Oi, oi. - Oi, oi, oi. - Oi, oi, oi. - Oi, oi, oi, oi. - Oi, oi, oi, oi. - Oi, oi, oi, oi. - Oi, oi, oi, oi. - It's being in Paris. It's like, oh God, she didn't even get the mirror to her face. - Oh, no. Jesus. - I don't think she knows what a pediatrician is. (laughing) - His feet. - Okay, so the other two that I have is shitter and Lloyd. - Let's read shitter. - Okay. - Shitter. - Well, actually I already made the decision and we're going to do Lloyd. - Oh, okay. - Why did you give us? - Why did you give us the illusion of Lloyd? - I just said that I had to go. - Okay, right. - I wanted Lloyd personally. - Thank you. - All right, fine, we'll read Lloyd. - We're doing Lloyd shitter. - I want to have me back on your show. - All right. - So, there you go. - I think you need a part two. - And then after this, could I read mine really fast? - Yeah. - Okay, so then we'll go to this book. - This is mostly stage rec. - Okay, so, let's see, Shane, I'm going to have you be Trenton and Mike. - Okay. - Double book. I'm going to be Lloyd. - Yes. - Amanda, you're Lisa. - Lisa. - And I'm out there. - And I'm out there. - And I'm out there. - You're out there. - I'm so out there. - You're so out there. - You know what? I'm also going to give you stage directions. Terrier, apartment, game night, in the middle of the game, Weirwolf. OK, Weirwolf, close your eyes. If you have the queen card, you're the fortune teller. Wake up and point to someone whose role you wish to uncover. Lisa wakes up, points to Lloyd, and Trenton informs them that Lloyd is the Weirwolf. OK, fortune teller, go to sleep. Now, everyone, wake up. So last night someone was killed by the Weirwolf. It was Mike. Oh, no, fuck. This is so scary, you guys. Shit. I'm so sad. I'm surprised, and I'm sad. Lloyd is freaking out. Everyone is staring at Lloyd. So you will now discuss who you all suspect is the Weirwolf. I mean, shit, you guys. I mean, what do we think? They all exchange awkward glances. I'm really sorry to reveal this so soon, but I am the fortune teller. And I did find out that Lloyd is the Weirwolf. Oh, classic. Pick on the new guy. Am I right? So classic, Chica. Any other leads? No bad answers. That feels pretty clear. It sounds like it's you, Lloyd. That is the dumbest fucking thing I've ever heard in my life. Why would I kill Mike? He's right over there. If he was dead, he wouldn't be there, OK? Use your head. Plus, if Mike's going to die, it's going to be because of his alcohol problem. OK. Well, do you have anything to contribute? Yeah. Yeah, I do. I do. Crazy news. I'm the fortune teller. And last night, when you were sleeping, I saw Lisa killing Heather as the Weirwolf. Mike was the one who was killed. What? No! Fuck! This sucks! I love Mike! I loved Mike! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! Mike! OK. So you're claiming? So you're claiming to be the fortune teller? And you're claiming that you've had zero work done? Whoa! Lloyd! Oh! Oh! Oh! He's literally howling like a Weirwolf. And you're dead, Mike. You can't say shit, OK? That's not how Weirwolf works. You ever been to a game night? Or do you just invite people to yours and tell them to show up at the wrong time? What is that? It means that you texted me this morning and said, "Hey Lloyd, I'm having a little game night at my place tonight. Just a few friends. If you want to come over, it's tonight around eight." So? So? You say around eight, and I show up at eight thirty, and everybody's already here. So I look like the big bad wolf because around eight is evidently eight PM and not a moment later. Beat. Lloyd, we're not upset with you for being late. And we're sorry we started a game before you got here and made you feel like you were late. I just hate being rude. We hate that too. Oh, Heather. It just felt like you were getting a little aggressive while we were playing. Oh, shut your fucking trap, Trenton. Don't you have enough on your mind with your affair. Oh, no. OK, Lloyd, I'm sorry. I have to ask you to leave. Please go. Fine. Fuck you, man. And by the way, Lisa, I think you're settling. So does Mike. He told me himself. This is bullshit. Lloyd slams the door shut. There's a few seconds of silence until Lloyd busts back into the house. Fuck! Oh my god! I am so sorry, you guys. I completely forgot to hug you all goodby. I literally hate to be rude. Hey, take care, everybody. OK, goodnight. I love you guys. Oh my god. Just leave again and not hug any of us. We're all just like, oh, yeah, he's just announcing that he forgot. I love this. I love these types of characters. I have a pitch for a button. Please. After he leaves, if Heather's like, I was the way. Yeah. Yeah. That's good. I was the way. Oh. Heather. Heather. Heather. OK, so obviously you guys know this was inspired because I'm literally always the werewolf. But you are. I thought that this could be really fun and in the lore of what we usually do. This was also one of those things where I had so many different versions of this because I thought it would be really funny if they started turning on each other as Lloyd would be like releasing more information and they'd be like, you told him, yeah, and they started getting mad at each other and I liked that. And then it was like, then I just felt like I was doing a lot because it was like, he's late, but then also he's just crazy, but also he's, she's bad at being a werewolf. It's just all over the place, but I just felt like I'm turning on each other. And then at the end, he's like, oh my god. I was a werewolf. What did you guys think? And they're all, they're all just really upset. Yeah, yeah. I love that. It's super Tim Robinson. It's very Tim Robinson. It's all. Just like latching onto something and refusing to let it go. Yeah. Yeah, it's so good. And just like the arbitrary reaction of like, oh, and everybody being like, what is hug you guys? Yeah. Just like Lloyd. No one wants your name. Yeah, so his name was Lloyd and everyone just know Lloyd Lloyd. Lloyd Lloyd. Wasn't there a show on Disney Channel and his name was Lloyd? Probably. I was like, he was like an alien, he was an alien, an high schooler, an alien, yeah, they would be Lloyd. I don't remember that. Um, well, we're running out of time. I have one more crazy sketch that I wrote and I did not reread it. If I have time. Speedrun. Speedrun. Let's speedrun it. Okay. I'm so grateful that you guys brought on sketches. Thank you for taking that. Thank you guys so much. It's a good exercise. And your sketches were far better than mine. Yeah. Okay. This is mostly stage direction. I will read stage direction. And myself. Uh, uh, Russia. Can you be Selena and Amanda? Oh god. Can you be Amanda? Yes. Yes, yes, yes. All right. And then chance. Can you be any other character that shows up? Yes. Wow. Wow. Thanks Shane. You're the absolute best. I also think you're the best Shane. All the crew in the room. Not an agreement. Through the window. We see several garbage men taking out the trash. They paused their work to also not an agreement that Shane is the fucking best and you better not ever doubt that shit. All right. Well, I'm just going to set them on the table over there. As Shane Moses over to the table, his foot catches on a cable running along the floor. Oh, no. Shane, look out. Shane loses his balance, tripping forward. The stacks of donuts tip forward as he tumbles toward a window. Oh, shit. Shane cannot stop the momentum. He fully crashes through the window and does a full front flip through the broken glass, lying outside. Oh my god. Shane somehow does a perfect front flip without losing any of the donuts, but lands directly on a skateboard, launching down the street with speed of a cheetah. Jesus. Oh, shit. Stacks of donuts wobbling in his hands. Shane sways back and forth on the skateboard as it zips down the street onto a highway ramp and directly into oncoming freeway traffic. Shit. He weaves between cars and trucks. One of the donuts at the top of the stack falls off and perfectly hits a motorcyclist in the face. Oh, Boston Creek. His head explodes. Oh, shit. Shane turns back to see that he's about to run directly into a snow plow going 80 miles per hour. He flies with it, but the plow on the front acts as a sick-ass ramp, launching Shane directly into the sky. Oh, shit. Shane breaks the sound barrier as he flies higher and higher above the clouds, above the atmosphere. Oh, shit. Shane passes into the stratosphere at a speed so intense. So insane. It's like, dude, you really can't even comprehend how fast this speed is. Like it's nuts. A satellite nearly collides with him, but he does a grind on one of the antenna and flip kick flips off of it, improving the Wi-Fi for millions of people. He flies past the moon. It disappears in the distance. He passes Mars, the asteroid belt, Jupiter, Neptune, Uranus, and even Pluto, which as he glides past can see is in fact a planet. It says it on the surface. It says it's a planet. I don't make the rules. Then resembling a comet at the speed he's traveling, Shane leaves the solar system, hurling into the nothingness of the galaxy. Oh, shit. For days, weeks, months, perhaps even years, Shane drifts in the eternal darkness as his home shrinks in the distance until it is nothing more than a speck, yet another light begins to grow. A white, shining orb of light expands with more colors and details coming into view. Shane squints as encompasses his entire field of vision. It is indeed Alpha Centauri, the nearest system to our own. Shane blasts forward at nearly the speed of light, the spheres of the system growing near and near. What's that? Ah, yes. Proxima Centauri B, a planet in the Goldilocks Zone, possibly habitable for life, Shane's new home. The dazzling blaze forms around Shane as he falls into the atmosphere, adding a nice crispy texture to the donuts, which he is still carrying, let's not forget that. On the surface, it is a quiet, peaceful night on this foreign planet. Tall, rubber-like grass, sways in the gentle breeze, calls of mysterious creatures sound in the distance, then a streak of fire darts across the sky, and a burst of light erupts out from the horizon. A flock of flying creatures escape from the trees, a massive crater has formed on the surface, the trees and brush on the outer rings gently burning. At the center, curled up naked, clutching a stack of donuts in his shame. Oh, shit. Just then, humanoid-like beings emerge from the trees and slowly approach Shane. Their large, crystalline eyes gaze over this alien creature. They reach out slowly with their long, purple hands and touch his shoulder, Shane awakens with a gasp. Ah, shit! Then the creature's lurch back and fear, Shane, eyes wide, stares in disbelief at this strange [BLANK_AUDIO] world and strange new company. He slowly holds up the boxes in his hands. I brought donuts. One of the creatures steps forward, carefully opening the box and pulling one of the powdered covered pastries. Slowly it raises it to its mouth, which opens vertically and takes a bite. It's eyes wide and in delight of the taste. It speaks. Oh, sick, Boston cream. It's head explodes. [LAUGHTER] I could not have predicted. It was, I'm obsessed with that. That's insane. That's what those aliens said, Boston. And then the head explodes. Yeah. OK. This is so fun. I wanted them to go to you in the crater and be like lights and fives. So if you can just sit in your pocket-- Yeah, I have a podcast waiting for you. I know what the hell was going to happen. And then it's Amanda and Selena as aliens. Like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. You're the best. And it just says, you're the best. That's so funny. Wait, I need to see this animated. This photo, you're going to get animated. Like, this is so fucking sick. You're going to get that. Wow. Yeah. This is what happened. I have a question about Shane Hansom carrying several boxes of donuts. Yeah. Is it like a different version of you or-- No, that's just part of this. It's just like clear. That's a character breakdown. He wanted to also be naked. It's like, yeah, it's something at the end of the day. He ever plays the character. Just make sure that they're handsome. OK, got it. It's something he's like going. Shane, going. Hansom, like, got it. It's just a little confusing. He's celebrating himself. Sure, for sure. Yeah, sure. But that almost did happen. What part? All of that. Yeah. Because I brought donuts and I almost tripped and then, like, and you know, if I did trip, that might have happened. I'd like to bring on this motorcycle character onto our pod at any time. Oh, what is that? What is that? It's a real. It's a real. It's a real. It's a real. Awesome, cool. I'm kind of motorcycle rider. Anyway, that was so much fun. I think we need to do rejected sketches. Like, again, ASAP. You have to, because I really want to read shitter. We got to read shitter. OK, we have to read shitter. And we have to read the other one that-- Chance brought, which was-- Dino date. Dino date and shitter. So have us back. And they've heard an actor. Yeah, I want to see more from Lori. Yes. What's up, Lori? OK, please. Lori's got a whole world. OK, this is awesome. We have to go. Which sucks, but we have to go now. Chance and Rashi, you guys are the absolute best. Thank you. What were in here? What were you about to do? I don't know. This is why I like to do the-- Eee! Bost of green. Bost of green. Bost of green. That means better than a motorcycleist. On their going, boom, boom. Bost of green. Bost of green. Bost of green. All right. Bye, guys. Bye, bye. See ya. No. No.