Bon giorno, Prince de Pesa. Hello, multi-emory listeners. I'm going to be taking my next somatic healing retreat to Italy. So I know that they all say "when in Rome" but we're going to be skipping Rome entirely and we're heading somewhere better. We're holding our next somatic retreat at this absolutely gorgeous former winery located in Piedmont in northern Italy from September 22nd to the 25th, 2026. I'm really excited about the fact that this time we're going to a much more quiet tucked away corner of Italy that hasn't quite been discovered yet, so there's not going to be a ton of tourists, just rolling hills, fresh air, and access to authentic local food. And over the course of four days, my colleague Orriet and I will be guiding group somatic sessions to help you work through some of the emotional patterns that talk therapy alone hasn't been able to shift. Plus, there's going to be plenty of downtime for you to wander, to decompress, or to just exist and hang out alongside other polyamorous people who get it. We handle everything so that you can be totally present. All of your accommodations are included all meals, snacks, drinks, we hire a private chef to be on site, you're welcome to come solo or you can bring a partner or multiple partners. We offer sliding-scale pricing and if cost is a concern for you, please don't let that stop you from applying. We're happy to work with you on that. So go to multi-amory.com/retreat to apply again. That's multi-amory.com/retreat and I hope to see you in Italy. You have to text me before anything gets sexual on a date, and a person responding says, "Okay great, I'll be sure to try and find a loophole so that as soon as I can." If you're happy with the same old ways of dating, if you enjoy sucking at communications, and you have no desire to improve your romantic life, then our podcast might not be for you. But you want some out-of-the-box ideas to deepen your current relationships, broaden your sexual horizons, develop a better understanding of yourself, or learn more about non-monogamy, than you've come to the right place. I'm Jason, I'm Emily, and I'm Dedicarn. And this is the multi-amory podcast. [Music] On this episode of the multi-amory podcast, we're talking about agreement pitfalls. These are common agreements that people make in non-monogamous relationships that seem solid on the surface, but may actually cause problems in the long run or be hiding some kind of emotional manipulation. But first, the lovely Kenzie, who is a $15 patron of ours, wanted to do a shout-out to the one and only Mr. Will McMillan for his birthday, which is ironically right before Jason's. Yeah, right. It's a one-day apart, I just found out. So yours is July 9th, and is it July 8th? Or something. I don't know. Probably shouldn't give away a bunch of his personal information. All sorts of social security issues. No, oh come on. I'm sure McMillan, congratulations. I'm getting a year older. Yes. Happy birthday. Happy birthday to Will. We do appreciate everything that you do. If you are also a $15 patron and want to give a shout-out or something on the show, reach out to us because that's part of your perk, is being a $15 patron. We'll talk a little bit more about that later on in the show. Oh yes. Okay, we're ready to get into this. I am. I'm a little uncomfortable because this isn't exactly a happy topic, but I think it's important to address this. It's important, no? Yeah. We did a happy topic last week. That's true. That's time to get back into the meat of it. Back into the dark swamp. Yeah. Well, okay, so let's start by saying that we've come up with a list of five of the most common agreements that we have come across either in our own relationships in the past or with people that we have dated or considered dating, and then also people who are clients or who've talked to us about their relationships. That these are some pretty common ones. This is not comprehensive. You may find that you may realize there's something in your life that's similar or has elements of these. That's not just these. I mean, these are not the only, these are not the only troubling agreements that people can make. Definitely, but the common thread in a lot of these is like Jay said at the beginning of the episode, they actually seem like a good idea at first, and that's why they're so common actually. And some people will even suggest them to you as like, oh, this is a healthy way of, of making agreements or structuring your relationships, something like that. Right. Yeah. To try to create the illusion of safety within a relationship. Yeah. That's one of those interesting. Because these tend to be relatively hierarchical as well. Hmm. Sometimes. I will say I have seen these for the most part with relationships that were monogamous that have since opened up. I tend to see these the most often in those relationships or in relationships that do have a more clearly established hierarchy, such as people who are married or people who live together that these tend to be more prevalent in those relationships. Not exclusive to those, but I have noticed that's where these come up the most. Yeah. Yeah. It comes to mind as the phrase that the path to hell is paid with good intentions. Because I feel on this show, we've already spent a lot of time talking about how we don't agree with setting up a bunch of really strict rules in your relationships, how we don't necessarily agree with having super strict hierarchy. But now it's going more into the details of these gray areas with agreements where even in an established relationship where you go like, okay, yeah, I get it. No harsh rules. We're not going to do the common ones like fetopower or things similar in that nature. But these ones can just be like a little coerce, a little manipulative. Yeah. Yeah. Or could just cause problems later on. All right. So let's get into this. So the very first one here is there's a few different ways that this can look. But basically it goes like this, that we have to do the same kind of dating as each other. So what that could mean is coming from the swinging world, it would be we can both date casually, but you can't fall in love with somebody, for example, or you can't have anyone that you see more than once a month or some kind of thing like that. And then on the other side could be, well, we can't have any casual relationships, that you can't have any kind of casual sex. Everything has to be with the intention of building some longer relationship. I think people who listen to our multi-amerianes is your questions episode. This will sound familiar because we did get a question about, well, I want to have more serious relationships. My husband wants all of our other relationships to be more casual, but I don't really like casual relationships. How do we see eye to eye on this? And then the other way this can look just to cover this before we get into it a little bit more is the other one that you can only go on a date when I go on a date. But it can look a few different ways of trying to force things to be equal in one way or another. Yeah. Yeah, I was going to say it kind of creates this illusion of equanimity and that all of a sudden all of your problems are going to be, I guess, solved if you to are equal in the way in which you date or the amount of people that you date or the amount of time that you spend dating other people. Yeah. And I think an important takeaway, if this kind of agreement is present in one of one or more of your relationships, or this is an agreement that you're considering making, just remember that first of all, things don't have to look exactly equal on both sides or look exactly even on both sides of your relationship. Of course, in the instance where it's well, I can only go on a date. If you're going on a date, that's freaking impossible to coordinate in reality, like freaking impossible. I mean, aside from it being difficult, from what I've seen, it usually ends up with one partner being put at a significant disadvantage to the other. The way I've seen this go down is there's partner number one who would like to go on dates with people, but can't until partner number two also has a date lined up. Partner number two finally lines up a date and then partner number one is now scrambling, you know, especially if they're the one who's more excited about trying nonmenogamy or they're more the one leading this in the relationship. That now they're scrambling to try to find somebody to go out with because they want their partner to be able to go out and do this. And now they're having this problem of not being able to make plans with anyone in advance and then having to scrumble to try to find someone who's free. We talked about this in an earlier episode of wanting something just for the sake of wanting it, not like wanting what you don't really want, but I know Jace, when you and I started our nonmenogamous journey together that you started dating someone, not obviously it wasn't like a huge intense relationship, but you definitely went on more dates with this person while I was just kind of scrambling to try to find someone anyone. And so I was going on a lot of like miniature dates with various people, but yeah, that was I think me trying to cope with the fact that you had a more serious relationship.
relationship just almost instantaneously and I was just trying to find something anything to try to take the edge off. Yeah. And you get into a more serious relationship. Right. And over time in relationships, it can it can have been flow and go one way or the other. Mm-hmm. That there have been times where you know whatever it is, it could be that, oh well, I'm envious because my partner has more serious relationships and I can't seem to find anyone to be serious within their only casual or the other way around. Of man, my partner is getting to go on all these fun casual dates and hooking up with people and I wish I could do that but my time is stretched so thin now with all the people I'm dating who are more serious relationships or maybe I just can't find a date at all. There's so many different ways this can look but that it's okay for things to not be equal all the time. And I do want to address for people who are in that situation where maybe you want relationships to be more casual and your partner wants them to be more serious, more long term, more emotionally invested. If you guys have an opportunity to try out your partner's dating style, quote unquote, organically, if that opportunity organically arises, you have the opportunity to go on a date that might be more casual or have a casual hook up when you don't normally pursue that or if you're the person who normally has casual relationships and you find yourself developing feelings for somebody. Let yourself explore that because I've seen a lot of couples in particular where once they get to walk a mile in their partner shoes as it were, then that's the aha moment of like, oh, now I see why this is appealing to my partner. Oh, and now I see why even though my partner has casual sex that it doesn't change how they feel about me, things like that. But the important part there is that it is an organic opportunity that you guys aren't trying to force each other to date in a different style than you want. Otherwise, if you think that, you know, if you get more joy out of casual relationships that you're not forcing your partner to only have casual relationships or vice versa, because just because you don't particularly like maybe casual sex, let's say, or just because you don't want to pursue that, it doesn't mean that it is a bad thing. It doesn't mean that having casual sex or having more serious relationships are objectively a bad thing. It's just that the two of you get your itches scratched in different ways. And we all got on into this to kind of have different people give us different needs that we may want. And potentially your partner doesn't want that thing, but that doesn't mean that they can't get their needs from met from someone else. Yeah, definitely. Should we move along to the next one? Yeah, let's move on to the next one. Yeah, so the next one that comes up a lot is this agreement that if you're going to have sex with somebody new, all three of us need to have sex together first before you can go have sex with that person independently. This can be correct. Or even if you're dating that person together before either of the people have sex with that person alone that yeah, you have sex together. Everyone has sex together. And this crops up in a number of scenarios. It crops up often, obviously, in unicorn hunting scenarios where a couple is trying to find a hot buy babe to be the third in their relationship. And usually they're not very comfortable with either half of the couple having a relationship independently with this third. It can come up with couples who are just opening up and the idea of one partner having independent sex with somebody is too scary and they think, well, if it's all of us having sex together, maybe it'll feel better. This comes up a lot. And I've also, I do want to say that I've seen this come up not only in the unicorn hunting sort of situation. I've also seen this happen with, for example, a couple where the, if it's a heterosexual couple and the female wants to date another guy that's still her husband or whoever this primary partner is might say, no, well, we still all need to have this threesome first. Even if he doesn't want to interact with that guy sexually, but that it's still, there's something about kind of controlling that. Or it's giving like context, I guess, for how that person would act outside of the threesome situation. Right. So there's a few different causes of this when we were discussing this earlier that there's this fear of being left out, which can happen. But I think actually something that is a little trickier to identify that can happen is that there's this, this fear that your partner might be having better sex without you. Or it's fear of loss of control. Right. Well, and I think that this one though, like for a lot of people, it's this fear of, you know, my partner having some kind of experiences that I'm not getting to have and that somehow by having sex together, I'll get to have those two or I'll know what kinds of other sex they're having or there's different ways this can look. But I feel like that's another root cause that can sometimes get overlooked. So the litmus test that I always give my clients and we've addressed this earlier on the podcast as well is that if you, so if you and your partner have this kind of agreement that you're going to have sex with a new person first before anybody can have sex with them independently. If you imagine your partner having sex with this new person independently and you just cannot stand it like that drives you crazy, you're probably not ready to go past the threesome stage with having an open relationship where it's independent and autonomous. And you know, that's where a lot of triads fall apart because usually it's an established couple adding a third and independent relationships are not allowed to form. And related to that, we want to make it clear that we're not shaming having threesome's and we're not shaming seeking a partner to have a threesome with you and your partner. Like that's totally okay. However, if what you want is just threesome's or regular threesome's, you know, go after that. Maybe don't go for specifically polyamory, maybe don't go for, oh, we're going to have a triad or don't go for, we're going to have independent dating lives because you maybe aren't ready for it. Or it might just not be what you want. Yeah. It might not even be a question of being ready for something. That just, if you're really honest with yourselves, you might just want more of a swing kind of experience or going to play parties or just finding people to have, you know, friends who want to have casual threesome's. And that's fine. If that is what you want, what's not fine is giving someone the impression that they're getting into a relationship with you, which is just going to be dumped later on. Right. being blamed for the problems in the relationship or feel like they're being blamed for it, even if you don't think you are because they're the one who's come in and now you're putting all these things in place to control the types of experiences they can have with the people they're dating who happens to be the two of you. Yeah. So can we turn up the heat a little bit? Yeah. Do the grinning higher in Singapore right now where it is very hot and humid every day so no, please don't. It's pretty nice here in LA. Got to say. But I mean can I turn up the heat of controversy a little bit in these agreements? Sure. I think here we would say controversy. Really? I don't know. What? Please go on. Please go on. Emily, do you want to tackle this one? Yeah, so the idea that someone has to call or text or get approval before a date gets sexual or even just I need to meet this person before you can date them or I need to meet this person before you can sleep with them. Creating again this sort of illusion of control like I'm going to meet that person or get to know them so that I know what you are getting into and so I don't have to be so scared about it. Yeah. And this one I think is really tricky because on the surface it sounds good. Right? We talk a lot about the importance of being able to meet your metamorphosis and you know that that it's kind of a red flag if you have a partner who will not meet your other partners that is something to that would raise some concerns. It's also tricky because we also talk about the importance of being honest and keeping all your partners in the loop as to what's going on you know that if you do get sexual with somebody that is somebody new that isn't something that you should hide or not talk about or omit. Of course. That it's important to be upfront about all of that. Now that there's a big difference between that and having to actually meet this person before anything potentially sexual occurs. Right. Similarly, even just needing to call or text or check in or you even get permission before a date gets sexual right so in the middle of our date I have to stop call or text and make sure that their you know that my partner is by their phone and that they respond to this. And just as a side note, I think doing this for logistics is fine as in if it's looking like this date it might get sexual and you're planning on spending the night. I think it's fine to reach out and be like hey I'm probably not going to come home tonight. Right. You know like that's that's totally fine but if but having an agreement where there's kind of the stop gap where you have to take yourself out of the date checking with your other partner get the yes or no and then you can proceed or not but that's really problematic. Yeah it's a different implication there for sure. Yeah so the other part of this which is something that's come up a lot in our discussions about rules and agreements in general is that part of this too is aside from the fact that it's putting up a barrier on another relationship which is
which is something that can cause problems later on or can be used to be manipulative, even unintentionally. But on top of that, there's also this element of making a rule that's very specific about following a certain protocol that are the rules which are most prone to being bent, trying to find ways around that we're trying to find ways to bend them, trying to find the loophole. There was a recent kimchi cuddles comic that was passed around in our group and that we were talking about where the section on coercive agreements was the term that she used in that one was you have to text me before anything gets sexual on a date and the person responding says, "Okay great, I'll be sure to try and find a loophole that as soon as I can." Oh God. I do think that there's something to, well to use Dettaker's example, the difference between just out of a courtesy, I'm going to check in with my partner or maybe they could even request and say, "Hey if you are going to spend the night just let me know so I don't stay up or so I know I can watch the really violent movies tonight that you don't want to watch." That was surprisingly harsh. No, I knew a lot of couples that are like that. It's you know one doesn't like the super violent John Wu movies or something. So it's like well I get to watch them when you're out. It's time for audition. Oh please never. Okay I'm going to take his past this. Well I want to finish my thought but just that there is that difference between you're doing something out of a courtesy for your partner versus doing something because it's a rule. And I think that's a big difference because one is that the rule tends to encourage finding this way around it if it's uncomfortable or if it's inconvenient. And then on top of that, if someone asks you to do something and you don't do it, the response is a little more civil. It's hey I really wanted to know earlier than that that you weren't going to come home and it can be a discussion of sorry I didn't really know yet. I wasn't sure how it was going to go or yeah you're right my mistake I'm sorry I suppose to breaking an agreement. As opposed to you broken agreement you broken rule right I think that might seem like a small small small. Small. And we're suddenly two. Yes. Yes. And we're small. Might seem like a small semantic difference but there's actually a big world of difference in how that actually plays out in a lot of relationships. So various things can motivate these kind of agreements it could be one partner is just afraid of being out of the loop or afraid of being surprised that's one that's come up for me personally a lot is feeling like if I know ahead of time what's going to happen then everything's going to be great. If I just know the plan if I know everything that's going to happen if I just know all the details right then nothing will surprise me and and then I won't be hurt and then I won't be hurt which is complete bullshit because you can still be hurt whether it was a surprise to you or not you know whether you gave approval or not it can still feel weird to you. For me I've had to make peace with if I have a partner who's out on a date and I'm really curious about what's going on and I don't know if it's going to be sexual or not and I'm trying to evaluate how do I feel about that. I pulled from a meditation technique about actually resting and finding relaxation in the state of not knowing something like this idea of just not having to carry that knowledge and not having to worry about it that has allowed me to be able to take a step back and be like you know what it's fine whatever happens is going to happen we'll talk about it afterwards I'll know eventually and it'll be cool it'll be fine so that's how I have to come terms to this in the past. I've also found that as an approach to going on dates to go in with this sense of I don't have to have an agenda for how this is going to go I'm not going to be disappointed if it goes one way or another I mean maybe I will I don't know how I'm going to feel but not going in with oh I really need to be sure I'm doing the right things to get this outcome and so if both partners in this relationship that we're talking about here that has these agreements can embrace that well I don't know I will know and it's going to be okay that that can help take away the need for this kind of rule. Yeah I mean you fell in love with this person when they were a complete unknown and so just it kind of putting the power back in their hands and saying like I don't own this human being now just because we're together they I don't have to know they're every single move instead they can be an autonomous person yeah that means they can do their own thing right now and that's going to be okay and I will be able to live with that right. Yeah and that is a tough thing which we could do an entire episode on but just adjusting to your partner being an independent human being is a big hurdle for some people and you know making independent choices and I do find like Emily said it's really helpful to just remember well when I fell in love with this person they were that they were something I didn't know everything about I didn't know everything they were doing I didn't feel like I needed to be their parent or control them or give them permission to do things and I I find that when you shift your thinking to that it can actually make the experience instead of being oh I'm scary I'm losing control to an exciting opportunity yeah to to to fall in love with that person again to have that excitement that you had with that person when you were first meeting instead of being their parent which I feel like it's how this feels right I need to meet them before they take you out and make sure that yeah things good to make sure his shoes are shine good lord I think so yeah I think so good lord okay this episode is brought to you by masterclass the platform that lets you learn from some of the most brilliant minds in the world all from the comfort of your own home and honestly as somebody who spends a lot of time thinking about relationships I'm genuinely excited to dig into what masterclass has to offer so for instance ester perl who is the patron saint of relationship podcasters one of the most celebrated voices in the world on love desire and human connection she has a class specifically on relational intelligence on masterclass that is right up our alley and if you want to go a little bit deeper into the science of attraction shan budrums class on the art of sex appeal looks absolutely fascinating and masterclass has so many courses on whatever you're interested in like science or writing like nk jemisin has a class on writing science fiction which is amazing wellness health mathematics community and 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just keep on giving great gifts to us and to our listeners you can bring more pleasure and satisfaction into your bedroom by going to adamany of dot com at a mail dot com or eaves toys dot com and select any one item it can be you know an adventurous new toy or anything you desire something fine something sexy whatever sounds good so just enter offer code multi at checkout and you'll get 50% off almost any item plus free shipping that's multi mUL ti at adamany of dot com at a mail dot com or eaves toys dot com this is an exclusive offer that is specific to this podcast and it's better than any offer that is currently available on their site so again use code multi to get you not just the 50% discount but also the 100% free shipping code mUL ti okay back into it yeah I'm going to turn up the heat again again again so hot in here so hot here I'm only starting to wilt okay I think this one is going to be divisive okay but I agree agreement that I see all the time is that you need to get tested your new partner needs to get tested and ideally even their partner
need to get tested before anybody can have any kind of sexual contact. Let me just add to this. Something I've heard a lot of people express in discussion groups and things online is not only that, but they have to have not had sex with any other new partners who haven't been tested within the last 30 days or three months or whatever the requirement is because oh well some STIs can be dormant and aren't detectable for the first few months. But putting these very strict requirements on other people's checking in on their sexual safety. And this can look a few different ways like we're saying. And of course the reason why this is controversial is because of course sexual health and safety is super important. Yes. We can't stress that enough and I don't want anyone to interpret as a saying that you can be sexually cavalier that you don't need to be safe that you don't need to use any kind of protection that you don't need to get tested. We're definitely not saying that. However, because of the fact that no one can argue that often people will hide behind that and requiring people to jump through a whole bunch of hoops is actually a way of controlling and limiting the amount of freedom that their partner has as far as sexually exploring with other people. That it is again something that's come up in a lot of these is one relationship kind of exerting control or limiting another relationship. And that is this is one way that that can look. And one of the ways in which the two of you tend to sort of take that possibility out of the equation is that you just use condoms with every single person. So you're only you're just making sure that you yourself are protected. Well, but the important thing there is that that is not an agreement that Jason I made with each other. Those are individual I guess boundaries that we just made for ourselves as in like I made the personal decision to use condoms with everybody that includes Jason that includes literally everybody I use condoms with. And if I'm feeling unsafe if I'm feeling something's risky then I make the choice on how I'm going to protect myself. I make the choice to be like, okay, actually, I want to use protection for these different sexual acts or I want to avoid these sexual acts and I want to make me feel safe. And there's the same thing with Jason as well as that he has made the choice to use condoms with everybody. And that's the important thing here is that what usually happens is that there will be one relationship where people have decided to food bond. And of course, this is common that if a couple was monogamous before usually that means that they're not using any kind of protection. And so that maybe birth control. Yeah, and they don't want to change that. You know, they don't want to change that. And so that means everybody else has to take care of their safety. And that's that's the important thing here. Now your partners are my problem. Exactly. Exactly. And the thing that I always try to tell people to empower them, not to be judgy or or lectur. Is that you always have the power to protect yourself. At the end of the day, you always have that decision making power to protect yourself. I don't care what is that your partner wants. I don't care what it is that their partners partners wants. Like you have the ability to protect yourself. And so that's why I always find it so ridiculous. And people freak out about, well, my partners partner's partner once had an STD six months ago. And and like I everybody needs to get tested. Everybody needs to wear a hazmat suit because I don't want to have to do that. Basically is what happens. And when we're planning this. Again, this is based on that assumption where they are then fluid bonded with their partner. So they feel like anything that might happen to their partner is got to them. And as I said earlier, is that it's just as ridiculous if you were like, well, I don't want to have to wear a seat belt. Because seat belts bother me. Seat belts are annoying. So everyone else needs to drive safer and make sure that they don't hit me or hurt me. You know, like that, like we would think that's ridiculous, right? We would tell that person like, no, where a freaking seat belt just do it. Because you can't control the behavior of everybody else. All right. This last one is another one that we see a lot. I've definitely run into a number of people I've gone on dates with who've had some variation on this. And that is that their primary partner requires either a certain number of nights or a certain ratio of nights in the week to just have with themselves, you know, for that, for that primary relationship. As an eye come to you and I say, we need to spend a minimum of five nights together. Right. If you're going to be dating somebody else. Right. So you can date other people. But I need five nights. Or I need four nights. And what it often boils down to is I need more than whatever the other person is getting. Sure. This is really honestly what after often happens. Yes. And this can also look like, I mean, some people it's even more extreme. Actually, see this a lot too, where it's you can date other people and you can have sex with them, but you always have to come home and sleep with me in bed. It's almost, we almost skipped over that because it's just that's very limiting to another relationship and shows that maybe again, as Deidre was saying with her other question, you might not be ready to make that kind of choice to have relationships like that if you're going to be that restrictive of them. So I see this come up a lot. People make this argument of, well, but I like having a lot of time with my partner. If my partner is then splitting up that time with somebody else, how am I going to get my needs for time met? Or sometimes it can even be actually I'm happy with the amount of time that my partner spends with me, but the idea of him spending time with somebody else or somebody else even approaching that amount of time, that makes me unhappy. And suddenly I feel like I need more time because I need to monopolize it or I just need to have more. Yeah, I mean, that gets into the whole I want something. I think that I want something that I don't actually want, which is again, I mean, you can have a lot of nights with a partner, but they're not all necessarily going to be spent doing something really incredible or amazing. They may just be sort of everyday interaction. And so I think again, the important thing is to I guess have dates with your primary or with the person that you live with or your nesting partner or whomever, as opposed to just saying like, I need this specific time and that's the end of it or I need more time, but it's said create quality time with that person. Yeah, and this can definitely apply whether you're in a primary secondary hierarchy or whether you live with somebody or not that often it boils down to the existing relationship feeling like, well, maybe you do spend most of your time with me, but the one night a week that you spend with this new partner is all romantic date time or playful sexy time and our time is Netflix and chill and adults. Well, not even chill. Just Netflix and sleep. And so anybody who starts feeling sticky about time, first of all, I ask them to examine, first of all, determine, you know, is quality time your love language? Is that why this is so important to you or is this a situation where it's, you know, I want what I don't want like we covered on earlier podcast episode. But again, to bring it back to the focus of the quality time rather than counting up the hours, counting up the days, counting up the nights, you know, are you getting the quality of time together that you want? Because usually that's what the actual crux of the issue is. It's not that I just need more of your time, it's I just need better time with you. I need to make sure that maybe at least one night a week, we have a date night also or or whatever or at least occasionally enough to make me also feel loved and special. Yeah, Josh and I created this Saturday thing where I used to work brunch, both Saturday and Sunday and his only two days off of work each week or Saturday and Sunday. So we never had a completely full day together. So I'm taking Saturdays off now. And it's wonderful because we do get an entirely, you know, specific one day for us where all that we do is go on like a Saturday adventure or something or make a specific date for the two of us. And it definitely is, I see a great change in that just that there is the specific time set aside that is more special and makes each of us feel more special and the relationship and more loved and wanted. Right. And that if something comes up like having to travel for work or something, then you can change it. But at least you have something there to ensure that you're getting that quality time together. Absolutely. I would also want to just follow up with what Dettaker was saying that it's sometimes quality time can become this kind of general term. I think this can also be really helpful to think about what is the quality of time that you want. For example, it could be that we want to have more time dedicated to sexy times or maybe it is more times dedicated to romance and dating or it's doing new things together because you heard about that in our science of happy relationships that doing new stuff together makes you happier. Creating memory is not just quality time as a general concept, but what kinds of qualities do you want from this time so that you don't feel so threatened by anyone else getting some sort of quality time? Yeah. Well, so as we said, this is far from a comprehensive list of agreement pitfalls or course of agreements or agreements that seem nice on the outside, but actually can cause trouble in the long run. We definitely want to dig into those more in future episodes and Jason looks like he wants to say something. Well, there's just, I know there's plenty of people out there who are probably going to disagree with a lot of these too. Yeah. And you will very likely find advice from other people that might directly contradict some of this because we wanted to really get into some of the stuff that
you know, that we really looked at a lot and thought about these things and seen some stuff that is different from the advice that we got when we were starting out. It was different from the things that each of us did in our first poly relationships. Well, we bring it home now. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. So thank you guys so much for listening as always. If you would like to have your question or comment played on the show, then you can call us at 678 MULTI05 for our international listeners. You can reach out to us on our Facebook page and leave an audio message. And I think we're about coming up on time to do another multi-amory answers your questions show. Yeah, we might do one of those questions. Yeah. So Colin now. Colin now. Colin now. Leave your questions. You can also email us. If you're calling in next 20 minutes, we'll throw in a free sham wow. A multi-amory sham wow. What the fuck is a sham wow again? What? Just go watch some late night TV. Yeah, no, go watch some YouTube memes from 10 years ago. Anyway, you can also email us at
[email protected]. You can send us a message on Twitter, on Facebook, or Instagram. Does a partner show and to join our private Facebook community? You can go to patreon.com/multiamory. Multi-amory is created and produced by Emily Matlak, Dedekir Winston and me, Jace Limgren. Our episodes are edited by Mauricio. Our social media wizard is birthday boy Will Mcmillan. And our theme song is "Forms I Know I Did" by Josh Anand from the Fractal Cave EP.
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