Speaker 1So when I got clean, I was kind of looking to find out if my near-death experiences had been strictly hallucination or if there was more to it, right? And through certain practices around yoga nidra, deep meditative relaxation, and the breath work as a foundational tool, accompanying that with binaural beats and music, binaural induction music, I've had some successes in leaving my body and confirming for myself that we are actually spiritual beings having a human experience.
Speaker 2Love it. Hi there. Welcome back or welcome to Recovering Out Loud podcast, the show where we get real about mental health and addiction. I'm so glad you're here. If you or someone you love is struggling with drugs or alcohol, please reach out for help. Send me a message on all social media platforms at Recovering Out Loud podcast. Or by email at RecoveringOutLoudpod at gmail.com. You are no longer alone. So you're going to U of T coming up. I am. So what kind of studies are you doing there exactly? Do you want to describe? I'm very intrigued about this breath work thing because I've used it recently and it was a very powerful experience, right? And I think we can do a lot of healing through breath work. You know, prayer and meditation, very similar things in my experience. I was always taught prayer is talking to God, higher power, whatever the fuck you want to call it. And meditation was listening, right? So what's the schooling about and why are you so passionate about it, man? Because. It fires me up, too. Just listening to you talk about it.
Speaker 1Okay. Well, I know that the breath is the only autonomic system within the body that we can control, right? And I decided to go to U of T basically for certification purposes, right? Like speaking with my sponsor, who is actually an accredited Tibetan meditation instructor. Oh. For many years. He told me that I didn't really need to go to a breath work school per se, but U of T would be a good fit for me around the certification. So I'm attending the Mindfulness Meditation Foundations course, which is the prerequisite for any expansion into that, you know, into that academic study, right? So when I got clean, I was kind of. I was looking to find out if my near-death experiences had been strictly hallucination or if there was more to it, right? And through certain practices around yoga nidra, deep meditative relaxation, and the breath work as a foundational tool, accompanying that with binaural beats and music, binaural induction music, I was, I've had some successes in leaving my body and confirming for myself. That we are actually spiritual beings having a human experience. Love it.
Speaker 2Yeah. Couldn't agree more. I loved hearing that sentence, term, whatever you want to call it, because I find that to be true today. And, you know, that to me is completely evidenced by, fuck dude, I can make a bad situation out of anything, right? Like I'll tell somebody a problem, just a small example. I'll tell somebody a problem I have and they're like, dude, that's really, it's really not that bad, you know? Or yesterday I'll have a really bad day. And then the same thing that happened to me a year later and it's, it's not that bad. And I'm putting a complete spin, I'm projecting a movie onto it and based on where I am, where I'm at in life. And it's like, yeah, like I'm having a human experience, you know? But then there's other situations, other times in my life where just unexplainable shit will happen, right? One, I don't know, me not, not, not dying, you know, from the amount of drugs that I was doing or, or me not getting into, ending up flipping a bike. Yeah. Or getting in a car when I was driving, right? And DUIs and killing people. There's a reason for that, right? I don't know. I just, I find that that's, there's a lot of spiritual experiences, God winks, if you will, that happened in my life today that I'm just like, it can't be a coincidence. You know what I mean?
Speaker 1I do agree. I mean, like from a lot of my research into these topics and my personal experience, I almost feel today like we cannot jump the queue when it comes to our experience here. We come into this, you know, third density experience blindfolded and we as human beings are the only animals on the planet capable of ascending our consciousness, right? Where some people will say things like, oh, I want to come back as a butterfly or I want to come back as a bird. Well, not really, you know, because then you're still going to have to come back again as a human to ascend your consciousness to, you know, to reunite with source. To reunite with source. In the third density is to ascend the consciousness, right? So as we ascend the consciousness into fourth density and we start to know that there is a path that we're walking, to start to know that there is a divinity, a spark of the divine within the human body. I liken it to being a snowflake. You know, some people will say that here we are to drop on the other side where the ocean and that's valid, you know, but I like to prefer to say that here we are like a snowflake, an individual fraction. I liken it to being a snowflake, an individual fraction. It's a fractal representation of the water that, you know, grants us life and keeps us alive in this little reality, this dream that we call reality or this, you know, this state that we're frozen in for a short time.
Speaker 2And exactly, that's what I was going to say is it's a short time, right? And we don't know if we have tomorrow, right? And that's why all these cheesy sayings that you hear when you come in one day at a time and, you know, just for today and the things that really pissed me off when I came in the beginning, they're like, they're really helpful and really true because I, you know, I'm not going to be able to do that. You know, I even got a bracelet on me that says one day at a time because I'll have, I'll go through moments in my life where I'm like, this is never going to end, right? This is never going to end. My life is hard, blah, blah, blah, all this bullshit that I, again, spinning the story and I'm just, I'll just look down and I'll remember. It's like, dude, just don't drink today, right? And it'll be okay. That's a, that's a successful day to me today because I don't know about you, but I couldn't put five minutes together of sobriety before, right?
Speaker 1Well, for me, I like, I'm a, I'm what my doctor calls a legacy patient, okay? So I was, I started using around the age of 11 regularly. I remember crawling out of my crib as a three-year-old, four-year-old going around to the parent. My parents were all sleeping. The people had been partying or whatever. And I'd go around and I'd steal the little half beers that were left over from the night before. And I would drink them, you know, as a child, a baby. And until the first time when I got a one full of cigarette butts and I drank it. And from there I learned how to. I learned how to pour it into a glass, you know? So by the time I was 11, 11, 12 years old, you know, I was from a broken home and my mother was, you know, she was suffering from alcoholism. She was not a spiritual person or into any type of recovery programs. God knows she was trying, but things were difficult, you know, and the neighborhood where I grew up was a predominantly Jamaican neighborhood. So Ganja was, you know. It was just available. It was just there. It was a normal part of everyday life. Nobody looked at it in any funny way. And we started smoking weed, you know, after a few years of that, going in and out of juvenile facilities, right? Being, becoming a crown ward for a couple of few years. Upon my release at the age of 16, I moved to the UK for about a year, a little bit less than a year where I picked up booze full time, right? I came back. When I got back, you know, did a little more time, met a few more friends, ended up doing some, getting into some serious street level crime, organized, whatever. And that's when I found cocaine, you know. I had been, as a child, a young, young lad, I'd been diagnosed with ADHD. And I'm not so sure that that diagnosis was accurate because crystal meth gets me freaking high. Right? It gets me really high. So it's, they were pumping me full of speed. From the age of maybe seven, eight years old to about 11, 12 years old. And then they yanked it from me, right?
Speaker 2That's Ritalin or whatever. Yeah. Prescription.
Speaker 1And that's when I found cocaine. And bada boom, bada bing, you know, that was it, right? I was off to the races. And then, you know, it's, it's, it's a progressive fatal illness, you know, and nature versus nurture, you know, moral deficiency versus sickness. It's all the same thing, really, by the end of the day, right? It's, it's going to be a mixture for each individual, I feel, you know.
Speaker 2So you, you mentioned, you know, you had a rough upbringing, childhood, um, alcohol was sort of always around. And what, like, do you, do you remember that moment? I'm sure you do. But what was the moment like where you, you were brought to your knees and you sort of said, like, I'm done?
Speaker 1Well. - Which time? - Same. - You know what I mean? There was a time my baby brother had just gone to a rehab center up in Sundridge. It was for construction guys. He was in the union. And he came home and he was doing really well. You know, he'd stopped using alcohol. He was doing the marijuana maintenance back then. And he was still struggling. But I had given myself an overdose from shooting cocaine. And he came to see me and he was upset. And I just, you know, I pulled up my sleeve and said, look, bro, look what's going on here. And he's like, no, no more. Sends me up to the rehab facility. So I was willing. And it was an AA program, you know. And I remember going to the meetings and getting clean for about 30 days, 60 days. I didn't complete the program. And I just, I didn't take to it. I didn't surrender. You know, I came out of there, went on about living my life, maybe a couple years, a year or so down the road. Ended up back in the joint. I remember calling them from the Don jail, like, yo, you know, can you guys get me back in a program? And they're like, dude, you are a hardcore drug addict. We do not have the tools for you. You need a two year program. And I was like, yeah, two years or I got, I only got to do a couple months here. So forget it. Right. So I, I, I, I just shut it out. Right. I wouldn't, I wouldn't go. I continued to, to do what I was doing until. Down the road, you know, I was using a lot of Oxycontin. That was probably the first time I really got, got sick. When I, when I got sick off of opium, you know, I, I, I, I looked in the mirror. I said, how was I ever addicted to cocaine? You know, I just did not. I just, I was like, wow, this is what addiction is. This is addiction. I was sick and, and really, really dying. A girlfriend of mine who, uh, at the time she had gone onto the methadone program. And, um, she got me to, you know, to go. Um, so I started taking a methadone program from which I did eventually after three years or so, um, I was able to, and this is without any 12 step help. Right. This is just, just white knuckling, as they say, or, or trying to do it on my own or, or using that, that I'm sober enough mentality, right. Where I'm taking the methadone, um, getting after. A few years, I'm getting my caries, you know, I'm smoking refers, I'm drinking beer, but, um, I'm still involved with, uh, you know, with sex trade workers and gang members and, uh, drug dealing and so on and so forth, um, living a life of, uh, you know, guns and, and, um, and large amounts of dope. So what happened there, uh, I had about six years where I was living like that. I had all my caries, you know, I felt like I'm sober enough. It's okay. There's no issues. I'm I'm I can do what I gotta do. And then my, um, my lady at the time, she, um, she went into my safe and she stole, um, just the tiniest little drop of my methadone carry and she put herself into a coma, I woke up that morning, um, beside her and she was blue and she was not breathing very well at all. I, um, I. I, I bit the bullet called the ambulance, got her rushed to hospital, followed her there, went into the hospital with her where, um, the doctor says to me, you know, um, listen, man, you know, don't hang around here. You're just scaring people. Um, I mean, I was honestly quietly praying to myself in the corner as I'm watching them cut her clothes off and rip her wide open in front of everybody and hitting her with the things and such, and there's like, just go home. Um. prepare yourself because when you get back here in the morning she might not be with us and um you know i'll tell you something i um i was i was really uh i was really uh i was i was in a sick sick place and i says to the doctor i says okay doc you know i'll go home and i'll prepare myself but if i come back here in the morning and she's not breathing doc i said you sir you'll be dead by fucking breakfast and he looked at me funny and tilted his head like a puppy does and it doesn't understand you i says oh because i'll fucking kill you i told the man i said i'll fucking kill you i'll come back here about 7 15 you know 7 20 when you're having your toast and melon in the cafeteria i'll take out a handgun and i'll empty it into your face and chest like nothing happened then i'll drop in and walk away and uh he looked at the police and the firefighters that were all over the place and kind of gave me a look like and i said go ahead pal go ahead go right ahead i says you can have me arrested now but then in the morning time you're gonna have to deal with my fun my friends and they're not gonna be polite like me so uh i left i took my leave and i didn't jump off the wagon bro i i i i i high dived i did a a super triple back flip you know face first off the wagon and um head straight to a bar where i ordered a bottle and then uh straight back to um my place of residence where you know i proceeded to um abuse drugs uh i went back in the morning um armed and uh she was there breathing on a machine she was in a coma uh the doctor was nowhere to be found but she was breathing so he had uh you know he kept his end of the deal i guess and um and i uh i stayed as long as i could they sent me home i went home and i just proceeded to dig myself deeper and deeper and deeper until um finally uh she came out of the coma about 10 days later uh where the police were there when she woke up and the only question they had was where did you get the drugs by the grace of god she told the truth uh she had stolen them and the murder investigation that they would launched was you know it ended they they were no longer under the impression that i tried to kill my wife um which was no longer under the impression that i tried you know for me but um it still left me in a place uh where i wanted to get back on the wagon but i physically couldn't i just couldn't i i had a friend of mine he's passed away now um he was a a big drug dealer in the in the jamaican community in the brampton area and he used to say to me mikey man it's just why i don't even know why you don't go on the wagon you run beside it all day long you know because i went back to mexico and i was like i'm gonna have to go and i tried to try to kick the drugs and i was i would just use uh the crack cocaine until i couldn't um till i couldn't see straight right and uh around them times uh my baby brother was uh diagnosed with fourth stage lymphoma uh cancer of the lung and that's not there's not usually too many happy endings with that story and i'm gonna you know i'm gonna talk to you guys here honestly and i'm gonna tell you what um what i did i um i ended up in a really bad state where i was using uh opium opium derivatives um liquid uh morphine oxycontin heroin fentanyl and um crack cocaine literally by the fucking you know quarter pound i um i had no shortage of narcotics availability to me and every time i would try to sleep the only thing i could think of was my baby brother's cancer and i can't do nothing about it every time i fell asleep i would have intense nightmares around this situation every time i woke up the only thought in my head was my baby brother's got the cancer i can't do anything about it i went to uh speak to my family to go visit him in the hospital where my mother begged me not to come seeing that um him seeing me in that state would probably kill him uh because he was trying so hard to to be clean and it would uh it would probably bring him down and then we had to keep his hopes up and so forth so uh that was not very good no connection to family that's tough yeah so um at that time i got uh really really low bro it was really bad it was like it was desperation it was destitution it was well maybe not destitution i mean i was i had a roof over my head and and sneakers on my feet and all that stuff but i was spiritually destitute you know what i'm saying so i decided to um to take my own life i um i decided to stop sleeping first um because you know i couldn't and i uh i would use the i would use the the junk um every time i would run i would use the crack cocaine okay and i would use it and use it and use it to stay awake and every time i ran out of crack cocaine i would stick a big shot into my arm and it would bring me down enough that i could wait to get more crack cocaine i would use the more crack cocaine until it ran out and then again another shot and so on and so forth this went on for about 12 to 14 days without any sleep um by the end of it you know i'm obviously in psychosis and i you're seeing all types of shit yeah i was i was um like i had had a near death experience before this where i found myself outside of my body inside of a nightclub where um while my body was on the ground and i'm standing there looking at myself i couldn't pull my foot out of my body and i and i realized you know oh i'm not really dead i'm just mostly dead so i started telling my body hey hey, yo, just wake up, just wake up. And the bouncer comes over and I see him pick up my body from the ground and I can hear this guy in his head. He's like, oh, I'm going to beat this guy and throw him out the back door. And then he picks me up. He knows it's me. He's like, oh, not this guy. It's not this asshole. I'm not even supposed to fucking be here today. You know, he's like that. And I'm just whispering to my body. I'm like, yo, just wake up, just wake up. But in reality, my body, I guess my body was responding to what I was doing because it starts screaming at him, telling him to wake up, you know, just wake up, just wake up. And luckily the guy knew me and whether he liked me or not is debatable, but he dragged me to the front and threw me into a chair where I landed. And that's when I regained back into my body. That was when I lost all fear of death. I realized that our consciousness does exist outside of the body, that we're just connected to the body. But I didn't really understand it. I couldn't articulate it. I couldn't, it took me a long time to wrap my head around it. So as like, as day 12, day 14 is going by in this harsh time, it is this dark time in our lives. I believe that I was conversing with deities, you know, I believed that the guides that had brought me back to the third density were able to hear my thoughts and that I could communicate with them. And I tried to make a deal, you know, and I says, you know, in exchange for my niece to never suffer a day in her life, to never have to go through what we've been through. I will leave this reality now. I will join you on the other side. I will serve you until the, you know, till eternity, until there's no more eternity. And then I consciously and willingly took a shot three or four times the regular dosage that I was used to, knowing what that would do. I then waited for my girlfriend at the time. She's the same girl who had been in the coma. I waited for her to come home. I waited for her to come in and out of the house because she was on crystal meth. And I knew that she would be in and out of the house five, six times before she actually left for the day. So five times, six times, no problem. Okay, bye baby. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, no, no, nothing. You know, stuck that shit in my arm and I would lay down and I was ready to go. Thinking I had pulled a fast one, you know, pulled a trick on the guides or the devil or whatever. As the curtains began to close, I didn't feel any fear. I didn't feel any remorse. I didn't feel any shame or desire. I felt like I was going home. I felt warm. I felt not alone. Until the very last thought in my mind, I guess I blacked out and I was, my consciousness was transported, I guess, to a possible future where I was given a vision. Of the mess that I was leaving behind. And I did not like it. I became, the only emotion that I had at that time was sheer unadulterated anger and disgust with my own greed, my own selfishness, my own ignorance and my own lack of fundamental respect for life. And I lived with that for a long time. You know, I was, I didn't see Jesus. I didn't see Buddha. There was something there with me. It was massive. It was big as a building. It didn't have no face. It just had a presence. It was there. It brought me, showed me this future that I was appalled by. And before I could even beg to be sent back or asked if I wanted to go back, I opened my eyes and I'm in the hospital with the nurses running around. He's breathing, he's breathing, you know, the machines and the beeping and all the rest of it. And I turned to the girl and I says, to her, what the fuck, I'm not dead. And she's like, no, baby, you're here. You're here with me. You know, I'm like, well, how long was I? It was 18 hours. Wow. Yeah. Yeah. It was wild, man.
Speaker 2How did you get to the hospital?
Speaker 1There was some kids in my house that were in and out of the house all the time. And I had actually Narcan content of them over the years. And she actually did. Something brought her back into the house that day because she came in from wherever she was going, came in, found me. She was on the floor, convulsing, blue, not breathing. And the story goes that she started screaming at these kids. Yo, he saved each and every one of you. Save him, save him, save him. They proceeded to Narcan me, no response. They got the needle Narcan, hit me with it, got me on my feet. And I remember every time that I had Narcan any one of them, I had three questions for them. You know, do you know who I am? Do you know your name? Do you know where you are? And if they could answer those questions, you know, I would say, look, you want to go to hospital or not? It's up to you, right? If they could not answer those questions, then off to the hospital they would go. So I have no memory of this. I have none, no memory of it whatsoever. But apparently they got me on my feet, asked me those questions and I started yelling at them. I saying to saying something like something like, just ask them. They're right there. They've seen the whole effing thing, you know, just ask them. And apparently I'm pointing over their shoulder and I'm pointing over their shoulders at the bedroom wall where I had a every prayer card and newspaper article and photograph of all the friends that I had lost up to that point. I have no memory of it, but this is what they told me. So they realized that I was not there. You know, lights on nobody's home. They put me into a car and the young lady she that was driving, she drove into oncoming traffic to get me to the hospital, saved my life. She did. She did. Young lady. She's a, she's a good friend. I'm in recovery now. So I haven't been in contact with her or the other kids that are still out there. They're unfortunately still out there. As far as I know. Yes.
Speaker 2Wow. That's incredible, man. What are it's in, I always look at those stories and like for things to line up, it's like now you have a choice, right? It's like, I can go back to that life every day. You have a choice. I can go back to that life and keep doing what I was doing, or I can choose this life of recovery and be of service. And, uh, you know, you're doing that with, with what you're telling me, but also the, the breathwork stuff and being, becoming a teacher essentially. Right. Um, so it's beautiful, man. It's, it's amazing. Um, how long ago was that?
Speaker 1Oh, that would have been about 10 years ago now. I mean, I, I, I, it's not like I stopped using at that point. I mean, I got out of the hospital and immediately needed a hit because I was sick, you know, and, um, I, I was using in the hospital parking lot, um, I got back to my place there and, um, at the time some friends of mine and myself were under investigation, uh, for, for some stuff, I'm not going to get into that end of it, but the police were raiding my home like clockwork every six months, just boom, boom, boom. I got so bad. The apartment owners were refusing to fix the door, you know? So I had about a foot missing off the top of my, my door in the apartment. And, um, this had been going on for some time. So, uh, once I finally, uh, was able to get back onto the methadone program after that experience, I, um, moved my apartment to another, to another, um, building where I am, I ended up getting, um, arrested on a gun charge. Um, it was, uh, it was, it was just a mess. Right. So after that, I left that building cause I was released on bail, but not allowed to go home. Right. Um, there, it wasn't like, so it wasn't domestic, but it was the, I guess the informants lived in the building. Uh, so they gave me bail, but they wouldn't let me go back within whatever. Um, so I ended up going into hotels, you know, and, um, and, and dragging that. And this is like right, right around COVID time started. Right. So I'm clawing tooth and nail to stay on the methadone program and, and, and get myself together, which about a year I was living like that, you know? Um, and I was able to get my head above water for a short period of time, uh, when the COVID, um, got really bad. I was able to, uh, get, um, a trailer, um, like a nice, like a really nice, like, um, brand new trailer. Yeah. And, and move it out to, uh, out into the west, um, by the border of, um, Marine city in Michigan and, um, a place called Walpole island, um, in Ontario, it's a reserve. Um. In between, um, like just before, uh, Windsor basically half an hour to Windsor kind of thing. And, uh, when I got into the trailer, I was on the program. I was doing okay. You know, I was just, well, I thought I was doing okay. Right. I'm smoking, referring on the program. I wasn't drinking booze. I wasn't using Coke. I wasn't using smack. I was just getting my carries and trying to live my life. You know, um, times got tough again after that I lost connection to my family. I got into arguments with my, with my mother and her and her husband. I, I lost contact with my brother. Things were getting, you know, things progressively got worse, right. Cause that's what happens. You know, if you don't stay abstinent, um, you may feel like you're in control, but you're not, we're not, you know, cause our brains are not wired that way when we're using, right. Our reward system is all fucked up. And the only thing we can bring into our lives is more misery and more trauma and more sorrow. You know what I mean? So as time was going by things. for getting progressively worse. uh police got you know got my location out there and uh i was raided again this time um they caught me cold they got me cold they got me with uh with a bag of firearms uh and parts um and a uh and a pack of um fentanyl where um by the grace of god by the grace of something outside of myself something better than me something you know higher power they had they raided my home this time using my the informant's address so i was released on my own recognizance from this incident and uh the next day they sent an informant asking me to if i would sell him some guns and i i knew i knew what they were doing i kind of laughed and said buddy you're a day late and a dollar short you know i'm saying the police were here last night they took him off so fuck off right so he kicks rocks so uh and after that it it really got bad because i was trying to hide the fact that i'd been arrested again and i was uh i'd lost connection to to everybody i wasn't talking to my friends i wasn't talking to the guys that i did you know uh did crime with i wasn't talking to my brother as he wouldn't let me see his kids uh my cousin got into recovery and he wouldn't speak with me and my other cousin who's unfortunately still out there he um him and i were on you know sparse talking terms i lost connection to the girl um that i was living with the only connection i had was to the to the drug and to the dog you know um after a few weeks after they uh raided my home and took the guns the informant was actually my neighbor he uh decided he was gonna pump 18 rounds of buckshot into my home while i was sleeping missing me but hitting my girl and um and she was um she was okay she was fine but um after that you know she couldn't sleep in that place anymore and uh even though you know i was i was i wasn't i wouldn't act as a witness i was a hostile witness um i told them you know how do i know who shot the place where i come from you don't stick your head out the window when there's bullets flying at you for all i know it was you guys the cops didn't like that too much but they did their own investigation and uh apparently the neighbor was charged with the uh attempt murder times too um which he eventually i guess pled guilty to i don't i don't know i didn't follow the case but um i couldn't live in there anymore you know the place was shot to shit and then the police destroyed it while they were doing their investigation right trying to find some more of my shit i guess i don't know so excuse me it was back to back to hotels back to you know renting rooms back to just progressively worse and worse and worse um until i got to the point until i i guess then i just decided you know i i i that's right around the time i was ready to give it up i mean i i was able to stop drinking i was able to stop using cocaine but i just could not kick the fucking opium yeah you know i just couldn't kick it i no matter what i did i couldn't do it so i ended up getting um i was leaving that area to come into the city here to pick up a package which um i was i was planning on distributing obviously um i ended up um getting popped on my way out of town from there thank god again by the grace of god because had i been getting had i gotten popped on my way into town you know it would have been a mess um i was um i was arrested uh with um with a replica firearm and a bulletproof vest uh a half ounce of crystal methamphetamine in my pocket that uh went straight into the suitcase and um when i was weighed in the jail i was weighed in at 130 pounds soaking wet right i was dying wow yeah but you're like six three six four six one i'm six one 195 pounds today geez uh-huh yeah so 130 pounds soaking wet with a bag of change in my pocket um that is when the um you know i still wasn't ready to give it up i um i knew that the case with the raid was bogus uh they didn't find the drugs on me during this arrest it was another weapon discharge concealed but it was a replica firearm it wasn't loaded um i hadn't pulled it on anybody you know the bulletproof vest was not exactly illegal uh so i'm thinking in my head yeah well actually to be honest i wasn't thinking anything in my head i wasn't thinking anything except i need some fucking opium um i was placed into a cell luckily for me it was a guy that i knew from the streets um he'd been in there for a little while i you know i i pop up the package uh i was i i lasted maybe 24 or 48 hours before i was just done i ended up giving away that package of dope and um and being taken to the infirmary uh where i spent 10 days um you know rock and roll and detoxing detoxing hallucinating absolutely hallucinating i i remember uh sitting in my own private hospital room cell with the hospital bed and my own television and i and i was watching a television program called the nonas but it wasn't a cooking show bro it was about this uh this this organized crime family out of cleveland that was burying bodies in a cemetery that this show doesn't exist i watched i watched seven episodes of it okay it's amazing i watched seven episodes of a non-existent program you literally created your show i was i was i was out of my fucking mind i was out of my mind i can relate yeah so uh but but by the grace of god they they they kept me there and um i just you know i called my baby brother i says look i need you to move a little bit of money around for me for my accounts you say whatever buddy you're an asshole i'm like yeah i know and then uh after a couple more phone calls he says look but you know do you want to live or do you want to die and um he offered to come and post my bail if i agreed to go to treatment at first i rejected his offer no no sir no thank you i will fucking do my time and uh continue to live like an asshole appreciate it i love you but no a couple more phone calls you know hey this is your this is your nephew you haven't met put some on the phone with me you know and uh talking to my stepdad who i hadn't spoken to in a long time and and another friend of mine from here that um has been a friend of mine a lifelong friend of mine and and uh they were able to talk a little sense into me and um and i and that's when that was when when uh when i spoke to my nephew on the phone for the first time from the windsor bucket with the uh option to you know to move forward i had had maybe um 10 days away from my last use i was getting my suboxone from the guys in the jail not not the guards not the doctors they refused my treat they refused to treat me um they they were aware that i had smuggled a package into the joint they just didn't catch me with it um so they were not helping me out at all you know um so i agreed uh i agreed gratefully agreed you know and um the arrangements were made my baby brother traveled all the way out there to pick me up took me to a hotel for the night it was like uh it was like we hadn't skipped a beat you know he was uh he was there for me he was all the way there for me you know he brought me home to his home which um he gives all the credit to the program he credits the program with all of the things in his life today and um and i love him he's my brother i love him you know so he took me to the uh na um orkna that like that month i guess the conference yeah the conference was around that month maybe a week or two since i'd gotten released and i went to orkna and i got a real um a real taste of of narcotics anonymous for the first time with an open mind an open heart and uh and i and i remember saying to him i says you know bro if it's between getting high and and having you in my life you know let's go right let's do this so uh i you know went to the detox program a couple times i was gonna i was set up to go to a rehab um facility that uh my buddy had suggested he he's friendly with the staff there and um the detox program was very good it was the york region detox program they were you know phenomenal um right before like one hour before i was to leave for that rehabilitation uh the farm or whatever um they declined my um my application you know it was all set to go i bought all the farm boots and all this stuff and they're like no we can't take him not with that ankle bracelet no no no no okay well the universe has other plans for me right so back to my brother's house okay back to detox back to brian's but i was clean right i was clean um after a little while i started to i'd had some you know 60 days 90 days for my last use i'm on suboxone my dose is leveled out um i'm i'm going to program with my brother he's taking me to na i'm not happy about it i'm still not happy about it back at that time i mean i'm i'm trying to be you know i'm trying to be but i wasn't yet um but I started to get that community. I started to get, you know, hugs, not drugs. And I started to, um, try to go into my mind. Like when I would go and I would hear the readings, you know, I always had these, these resentments, these, these little quick, quick little responses in my brain about, about this and that, these little arguments with the, with the language and literature. And, and after a while I said, you know, I, I, I'm going to just meditate through the preamble, you know, to open up my, open up my, um, my system to be more receptive of the language instead of arguing with it. So I consciously, even till now, I, you might catch me in a meeting and during the preamble, you'll see me and I'm, you know, and, and people may think I'm, I'm ignoring or I'm, I'm posting somewhere else, but I'm not, I'm, I'm right there. I'm trying to sponge up that, that good stuff that, that the program has to offer, you know, and, and just, uh, to, to rewire my own ideas and let, let go of those, those kind of resentments and stuff. So it's, it's, it's been, it's been helpful. It's, it's definitely not hurtful. I, uh, the anxiety, or I used to get a high anxiety state when I would walk into the rooms, um, physical, you know, physical anxiety. But, um, after using some other outside, you know, outside of the program, um, ideologies around, um, consciousness, you know, neuroplasticity and, and, and some of these other ideas. And, and implementing, uh, the yoga nidra practices and, um, you know, reality co-creation practices and stuff like this, um, which is, which is for me, it's, it's a really fundamental part of my program, you know, cause being on, I've been under house arrest for the past 16 months, right. And, uh, as much as my brother would love to take me to 90 and 90, he's got a job and two kids and a wife and a house and a life, you know, so it's, it's not really, it's not really, you know. Feasible. So I had to find other, other avenues of, uh, recovery, which is, it's, it's fine. You know, it's, it's no problem, right. I'm, I'm, I'm living the dream, you know? Um, so I, I, I like to find a combination. I like to, um, take as many angles as I can get and, and, and watch for the, you know, the synchronicities and then, and then mold my recovery. Um, with balance.
Speaker 2Yeah. It's a good point though, too, is like, uh, I was always taught that, you know, humans will fail us eventually, right. No matter how much they care, no matter how much they'll show up for you. Yeah. I can't rely on a human for everything. Right. And you mentioned it perfectly is like, you got to turn to this power greater than yourself, right. Whether that's God, the universe, I don't care as long as it's not me today. Right. I can have my own conception of it. And, uh, it seems like at that time you were sort of forced into that and now it's become a part of, of your life and your practice. I want to ask you, what do you think kept you, what do
Speaker 1you think kept you out there so long using? Ah, well, I guess fear, shame, desire, you know, no awareness around anything better. Um, once I got clean, once I got clean, I, um, I was watching a podcast. It's a guy called, um, well, it's, it's, uh, it's a co-creation podcast or YouTube channel. Anyway, he, uh, had a guest on and, uh, the thumbnail for the, for the, for the show was, uh, it says an angel in a human body. Right. And I'm like, yeah, fuck off. Right. You know, what are you talking about? And I was going to just pass it over. Right. But I really liked this guy's stuff. Like he's, he's really good with what he does. So I says, okay, you know what? I'm going to do this. I'm going to do this. I'm going to check it out. So I put it on and this woman comes on and she starts telling us how she's an angel in a human body. And, uh, she got her angelic name from the, you know, angelic realms. And she talks to her guides, like we're talking to each other and I'm about ready to turn it off, you know, um, thinking she's a loon from the moon. Right. And she starts telling my story. She starts telling my story. She starts telling us how she had a, uh, a near death experience as a person, uh, in her case. And she'd had an awakening, um, at that time. And she came back different and she came back different. And, um, it was a hardship for her for many, many years. So she had turned to drugs and alcohol. And, uh, the key takeaway for me from her story was that we are conditioned here, especially in the West to believe that the only way we can feel high vibrations that alcohol and drugs bring, even though they're fake and they only last a short time and they come with a lot of harm. The only way we can feel those, those high vibrational frequencies is through drugs and alcohol, but that's the lie. That's the lie, right? Um, we can feel those high vibrational frequencies through meditation, through wellness practices, through yoga, through, you know, through just, just by raising our vibration, uh, our inner vibration, our emotional state and keeping it there, you know? Um, she, she was, uh, she was serious. Had she been, had it been in a 12 step meeting, I would have been, you know, begging her to sponsor me. You know what I mean? Um, I heard a story and it was my story. It was just from a different, a different perspective. And basically what I was doing, what I didn't know I was doing at the time, but what I was doing was I was trying to reach that unconditional love that we come from, that we're headed to one day. And I was trying to have it here in the third density. And the only way I knew how to fracture it was with drugs and alcohol. And that's what I was seeking. I was seeking death, not in a negative way. Death for me is not a negative thing. As sure as we're born one day, we're going to die. It's a natural process. It's transition. It's not afterlife. It's just life, but it's not third density life. It's just life. It's just a transition. We don't, we don't, uh, we don't really die. Our bodies die, but our consciousness exists outside of our bodies. And, and, and I mean, until somebody experiences it, they're, they're, I can't really tell them. I can't really like, I can't make them know. All I can do is share my experience. Right. And, um, for me, it's no, it's not a belief. It's, it's an, it's a knowing through experiential, you know, knowledge, right. It's experiential knowledge. It's, it's a knowing from, from, from my experiences. Um, because, and I'll tell you this because when, um, when I got clean, I was backtracking and second guessing my experiences. Was I really, um, out of my body was I, my body dead and I was not, was that real or was I just hallucinating from overdose? Fair question, right? Um, that led me to really, I mean, obsessed is not the right word to use, but I was very highly motivated to, um, to learn the practices of these, uh, yogis and, and, uh, shaman and so forth to, um, to be able to exit my body. Sober as a judge. And after about eight months or nine months of, um, clean time, I've had some, you know, some limited successes. I don't really leave my body with intention. Like I'm not going to come over to your house, see what you're watching on TV and then call you in the morning and freak you out. Right. It's not like that. Yeah. It's not like that, but I, but I have found myself, you know, conscious that I'm sitting in my chair, conscious of my breaths. Uh, but I opened my eyes and I'm out in my backyard looking in the window and I'm like, Oh, I'm not going to come over to your house. I'm not going to come over to your window where I go to smoke, you know, and I see myself in the backyard and I could see my, and I go to take a drag of my smoke and I'm like, Oh, wait a second. I'm not smoking. I'm in my chair. And it's like, Holy F man. Wow. Right. Um, and, and some other, you know, some other short, short experiences similar to that. It's, it's, it's not the same as dreaming. It does have a dreamlike quality, near death experiences, out of body experiences, and a lucid dreaming there. There is similar, but they're different in my experience. They've been very similar, but also very different. They have different, uh, tangible qualities to them. So with, um, with those experiences, uh, adding to my, adding to my, um, the confirmation for me that I am a spiritual being having a human experience. I, um, continue to progress into lucid dream work where, you know, you're, you're, you're in a REM sleep, but you're, you light up your prefrontal cortex and you, uh, you wake up within your dream. At first I would spend a lot of time flying around and striking things with lightning, you know, like this God complex of mine. And, uh, after a few, after a few sessions like that, I started to get boring. Well, why am I really doing this? You know? So today when I go into those States, I will take the time to ask the universe, what am I doing here? What am I supposed to be doing? You know, or I will find myself in a, in a horrible knife fight situation in a prison wall. And I'll realize, well, wait a minute, I'm dreaming and I'll jump over the wall and I'll just go meditate, you know? And, um, and it's brought me, it's brought me an insane amount of peace. You know, it's, it's brought me to a point where, um, I'm still, I'm still early in my step work progress where, um, I, it's unfortunate for I have so much of a stubborn, thick head Where I read the words, I see the language, I get frustrated. I still have these little arguments in my head. So I'm taking my time around doing my step work, you know. And as I'm moving forward with it, I'm finding a lot of questions around, like, things that seem to be, like, OCD related. I'm not very deep into it yet. So I'm not judging the whole book by the first, you know, few questions. I myself, I don't, like, I will obsess if I pick up. If I pick up and I got it in front of me, I will obsessively use it until it's gone or I'm dead. That's it. No problem. I get it. But I don't have those types of compulsive thoughts around anything else in my life. I never really have. And I don't see myself having them on a regular basis. So, and I think some of that is due, because I did, when I first got home, I did have some. Um, recurring thoughts of past experiences, you know, traumas and, and, um, less than preferable experiences that would pop into my head, especially during meditations. Um, what I learned, I learned is a skill, you know, I learned how to allow those thoughts to drift away like clouds in the sky and return to focus of the breath, you know, and, uh, and to, to enter that vibrational state and, and, and listen for the thought for the space between thoughts, you know. Cause I think that's where higher consciousness resides. And it's like you said, that's where we get the answers, you know?
Speaker 2Yeah. And the direction, right? I love that. Um, what are sort of your like essentials in recovery daily? Like, what does that look like to you?
Speaker 1Well, I got to make, make my bed. Yeah.
Speaker 2I got to get up. You know, a lot of people laugh at that one, but it's, it's true. I was taught that in treatment too. It's like you start off the day with doing one good thing.
Speaker 1Yeah. You get up, you make your bed. Um, I, I definitely have to limit my, uh, exposure to negative content. You know, um, I listen to conscious music. I generally watch only, um, uplifting or like science fiction type of movies. Uh, limit my exposure to negative content. I, um, I, I surround myself with, um, people in recovery. You know, I, um, I, I don't accept friend requests from, uh, people from my old, my old Facebook account. I changed my Facebook. Facebook account, new YouTube, new Instagram, all those things. Um, when I do get, um, the occasional contact from people from that, um, spectrum, if they're, if they're not in recovery and they want to see me, they have to come see me at a meeting. As much as I love them. Um, it's not about them or their behavior. It's about me and my susceptibility to joining that. Yeah.
Speaker 2Right. It's a slippery slope. Yeah.
Speaker 1Yeah. Um, I'm also in a bit of a bubble. So too, right. Like being under house arrest with the ankle monitor, I, I, I've got a lot of help, you know, I'm getting a lot of help. Right. Um, I've, I've met somebody in recovery and, uh, and she helps me a lot. She helps me. Um, she's like my brother. She's, uh, she credits everything to her program. Right. And I spent a lot of time talking to my cousin who's, who's, you know, gone ahead, uh, for me in this program. They, um, my cousin, my brother, they work in the industry. Of recovery, you know, um, the people that I surround myself with are, are good. They have good recovery people, you know, and I also try to gravitate to newcomers too. If I see a newcomer, I'm, I'm extra weight, right. Like I will give them cigarette and I will give them my phone number, whether they choose to call me or not, it's up to them. But, um, yeah, those things, those things are, are pretty key. Um, you know, a little, a little bit of, of, um, exercise obviously. Right. And, uh, lots of coffee. Yeah. Lots of coffee. Same.
Speaker 2Need something, right? Oh, that's great, man. Um, if you, I'll ask you two last things and then we'll close it out. Cause, uh, it was, it was good. I got a lot today. Um, I appreciate you coming down, Mike. Thank you. Um, what do you hope people get out of your story?
Speaker 1Well, um, anything that's going to help them, anything that can come from the, the horror shit show dumpster fire of my previous life, um, that can open the mind of the still suffering addict or help to steer the course of the white knuckler or to, you know, even to engage, um, an argument from somebody who doesn't see it my way, you know, as long as we're engaging conversation and we're growing, you know what I mean? I'm here to give away what was freely given to me, you know, and, uh, and, and just, uh, raise the vibration, bro. I just want to raise people vibration. I love it, man.
Speaker 2Um, and what's one thing that you would say to somebody struggling right now, maybe a newcomer?
Speaker 1Um, well to a newcomer right now, as of today's date, bro, I'm going to give you guys this warning. Um, I was talking to my doctor the other day and as an ex. Cook, um, he knows that I'm familiar with the derivatives and, uh, combinations that go into today's narcotics. And he was, uh, given an alert warning that the xylosine is, is no more today. We got to worry about nitrosine and nitrosine makes a car fentanyl look like a fucking aspirin and it's in everything. So even a legacy user like myself, uh, who survived it all and can seem to punish myself over and over and over. I go, I go, I go. I go out there today, I leave the studio, I go hit the gas station and I score from some guy. I don't know. I'm a fucking dead man. So there is life after recovery. Um, people love you. And you know what? If you don't believe me, come to the program and I'll love you until you can love yourself. Love it, man.
Speaker 3Thanks so much, Mike, for coming down. I appreciate you.
Speaker 1Thanks for having me. Thank you, bro.
Speaker 3Thanks for listening. Please help us grow the channel and like share and subscribe for more content. The discussions and stories shared on this podcast are for informational and motivational purposes only. This content is not a substitute for professional medical advice, addiction treatment, or therapy. If you or someone you know is struggling with addiction, please consult a licensed physician, addiction specialist, or mental health professional. You are no longer alone. Thanks for watching!
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